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seancekitsch · 3 years

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Out of the Rain: a Marko x Reader fic

Warnings: bloodplay goes without saying bc vamp, rough sex, dirty talk, semi public sex, telepathy?? me projecting my music taste on this fic again. drug use, fast and loose use of vampire lore bc when i write i am god and u cannot stop me. also can u tell i have like…. v clear descriptions of the setting like i used to work at the place im describing but its not in california

No one had come in for hours. What's the point of staying open? You dim some of the lights in the store, which is one of three head shops in Santa Carla, but the only one open late. You're not really sure why this is the only store that stays open, why everyone else if worried about the three am walk back to their car on a weekend night. You've never seen anything of suspicion, just sometimes that biker gang watches people shuffle out. That was almost comforting, though. People didn't like those guys, so no one would make you use your switchblade if they were around.

The bright while fluorescent lights of your typical daytime ambiance faded away, and now green light bathes you in the “mood” lighting your boss thought was a good idea. The green lighting reflects off of the glass counters, shining it back at the ceiling and making everything that much more green. It fits, you think with the overall vibe of the store. The stale scent of weed, gently and miserably covered up by some nag champa incense, always burning in at least four different spots within the store. You'd long since gotten used to the smoke in your eyes. The music does everything to add to the ambiance. You always have full control of the music in the shop, usually because no one else is willing to take the night shift in Santa Carla. In fact, most of the boardwalk shops had a revolving door of night shift workers. You never got why, something clearly spooks them that does not spook you. Whether that makes you brave or stupid, you dont know. Jefferson Airplane’s Surrealistic Pillow pumps through the speakers in the store. But I suppose no one knows, you're my plastic fantastic lover.

The rain batters the boardwalk outside, a roar much different than the typical hustle and bustle of drunk teens, of the cliques and crews that come in and out; the few that sit and snicker in the doorway, never entering. Some too afraid to be associated with the implication of being spotted in the shop. We sell jewelry and vinyl too, you always say, when they balk at the idea of being in the same room as a bong or incense.

But then there's the other group that stands and idles in the threshold, also not entering. It's that biker gang. Four guys, a girl, a kid. Maybe he’s the brat of the girl and the one who takes himself too seriously, but maybe not. She looks too young for that. They'd been hovering around quite a bit lately, always after dark. You’d spoken to them, at least the ones that are talkative. The hair metal wannabe and the cute short one. Paul and Marko. You knew the dark haired one was Dwayne, but all he ever offered you was a curt nod and a tight lipped smile, respectful but indifferent. They're nice, not worth the spooky reputation they have. Any time it's not just you at the shop, your boss tries to spook them away. Good thing your boss isn't here tonight, because one of them is prowling around the storefront in the rain. That is, if it's not your spliff induced haze playing tricks on you.

No, one of them is out there. Without his little pack. The cute one. Marko.

You walk over to the door, which you haven't had propped open since the rain trickled in as a drizzle at the beginning of your shift. At least he had enough sense to be huddling under the awning. Fuck, he’s handsome even when he looks like a drowned rat.

“What are you doing out here?” You scrunch up your nose as you ask.

“Y’know, waiting for you to show up.” Wanted a look at that cute ass.

You blink at him. Did he really just say that?

“Okay… well, you know it's raining out there, right?”

“I might,” he offers noncommittally, eyeing the spliff still in the hand that's not holding the door. If it were anyone but him, you'd probably get fired for it.

Why is he just hanging around out here? That's hella weird. His curls are getting matted to his forehead, slick with rain, his jacket starting to look a little sad.

“C’mon in, Marko. It’s too wet out here. You’ll fuck up your jacket.” You nod towards the interior of the shop holding the door open as he passes you.

Wrong move, sweet cheeks.

“What did you say?” What did he mean, wrong move?

“I didn't say anything,” he offers nonchalantly as he thumbs at one of the tapestries on the wall. A garish mess that’s supposed to be the worm from Alice in Wonderland, but it’s distorted by a botched tie dye job of dark muddy colors. Every time you look at it, you assume one of the day workers did it.

“No, you said something.”

“Do you want me to say something?” there's both a threat and an innuendo in his tone. Maybe you do, but you just laugh, a sharp exhale through your nose, and bring the spliff to your lips again as he follows you deeper into the store.

You jump up onto the counter next to the ash tray, easy reach for each time you need to ash.

“So why are you really here?” your eyes narrow at him, kicking your sandal off on the floor where it lands a few inches from his boots. He looks uneasy in the space, like for all the wild shit you assume he’s into, he might not actually belong in it. He sways a little to the music, perfectly in tune with the rhythm. You sway along too, and suddenly he fills the space like he belongs. He just needed someone along for the ride with him.

“Do you ever come around during the day, or just at night because I’m so fun?” You’re teasing him, but it’s a nice easy feeling between you.

“Not really a sun guy,” bullshit, he would look beautiful with a tan, “but I do drag everyone here just to see you.”

“Awww, all for me? Do you have a crush, Marko?”

It’s more than that. You hear the words clearly, but his smile doesn’t move. You kick the other sandal off.

“I can hear you, I don’t know how, but I can. I bet you can hear me too.”

I can. You’re wrong about the tan thing.

You straighten up, mind clearing as you blurt out your next question. Something absolutely stupid.

“So what are you, a vampire or something?” he laughs at you, but his big toothy smile doesn't reach his eyes. No, there's something predatory, extremely dark in his eyes. Otherworldly.

How could you guess?

“Well, that for one big fucking clue.” You ash the spliff for the final time, leaving the roach in the tray. You would think you’d be more surprised, more upset that you just found out vampires were real, and that you were in the same room as one. You have to say, weirder things are probably afoot in Santa Carla. Murder capital of the world can’t all be from some rowdy teens and a ten year old.

“You do those surf nazis?” is all that leaves your mouth. You kind of hope it was. They were the fucking worst. Racist, misogynistic, destructive. You’d had to threaten them a few times to leave your store on your shift.

“The—? Oh! Surf nazis. Yeah that was us. Ate a few of them.”

“Good for you. I mean— murder. bad. But they were nazis, and now they’re dead. so…” you trail off. Not really sure what to say next, but then you keep going. Remember everything you know about Marko.

“No, no I mean, it makes sense. Right? You and the guys only hang around at night. Aren’t vampires solitary hunters though? I don’t remember Dracula being in a frat.”

“They’re my pack. We take care of each other.” He says it with such fondness and devotion.

You feel a pang of jealousy run through you. You work alone for the most part, live alone, you’ve got friends but they’re all over the place. He belongs to something.

“And you're down with this?” he’s legitimately asking. You nod. You don't really have a choice, you're down or you get eaten, but like genuinely you are down with it. If he was going to eat you, he probably would have by now. There's probably a reason they've been hanging around the store, and in your sightline while you close up. You're putting things together.

“Like really?”

“Well, you haven't made me a kebab yet.”

He shrugs, frowns.

“Could still skewer you on something.”

Laughter erupts from your lips while you roll your eyes, music to Marko’s ears. This is why he took a shine to you, it's easy to get along with you, and you're not one of his brothers.

Something heavy falls in the room, and it's not the haze of the incense. He steps towards you, big blue eyes raking over your body, but always coming back to meet your gaze. He closes the space between you, easily fitting between your thighs; the rough patches of his jacket brushing against your bare skin where your shorts ride up. He leans in, like he's about to kiss you, and against all better judgement, you're going to let him.

You're going to let him.

The record skips. He holds out his hand, more like a gentleman than a biker gang killer, and helps you off the counter.

“Hold on, let me pick out a new record,” you turn without waiting for his confirmation, not at all surprised when Marko follows hot on your heels to the back room. Your boss’ office, the record room. Whatever you wanted to call it. His hands ghost over your arms as you push past the wooden bead curtain to enter the room. You can feel his presence close enough to touch. That's it, right where I want you. There’s his voice again.

He lets you actually pick out a new record. You slide it out of the sleeve and walk it over to the player. The static buzzes and pops as the needle finds the groove.

“Ocean Rain, you heard it?” No. He shakes his head, and you can feel it as he leans into your back.

“Echo and the Bunnymen. They've got a new album coming out this year.”

You turn to face him and his fingerless leather glove clad hands cover your cheeks.

He kisses you gently, tenderly. Not at all the way you’d expect. He’s eager, kissing like there’s something to prove. He licks his way into your mouth, tongue pushing your lips apart and you let him. His arms tighten around you as you kiss, tongues now greeting each other playfully. Your tongue explores his mouth, running along each and every tooth in his mouth. Huh, no fangs, you realize, and maybe he isn't actually a vampire. As if he reads your mind (maybe he does), he pulls away.

“They're, uh, hiding,’ he nods, almost to himself more than you. You nod as well, slow and uneasy, not quite believing him, but he pulls you back into a harsh kiss, more of what you expected. His hands roam your body as yours bury themselves in his curls. Still damp, but long and beautiful just as well. He shrugs the jacket off his shoulders, and his hands only briefly leave you to throw it and his gloves somewhere else, leaving him just in a thin white tank top. His mouth leaves yours to trail lower, kissing your neck. Your pulse point. Fucking irresistable. No, that's definitely his voice. Is this the end? Could be.

“I can smell you, hot stuff,” he moans into your ear, sending shivers down your spine. You find yourself gripping onto his shoulders a little tighter, but he lets you sink. He guides you, again more gently than you thought he would; bare knees brushing the threadbare carpet floor before you plant yourself. You look up at him through your lashes and he all but bites back a groan.

“You gonna join me down here?” You lick your lips, waiting for something.

“Nah, I’m gonna let you have a head start,” there's a joke in his tone. You're learning that’s normal for him. He’s silent, or playing jester. It’ll be interesting when you let him fuck you. Shit, did he hear that?

“Quit thinkin’ so loud!” he runs an affectionate hand through your hair. “But yes, I heard you. Glad you're as eager as I am.”

That's encouraging. You take your time undoing his belt, connected to faded and soft leather chaps, not bothering to push them down his thighs before you move to the top of his jeans, teasing your fingers at the skin just above the waistline. He shudders under your touch, extremely reactive. Does he get touched like this often? Or is it just quick fucks? You don't want to think about who else he might be doing this with, focusing again on his body, and all of the offending clothing covering it. You unbutton them slowly, teasing. For a member of the undead, he seems to be out of breath under your movements. The zipper is pulled down just as slowly. You run your palms flat along the bottom of his stomach, to his hips before pushing his jeans down to around his ankles, hooking his boxers on your finger along with them. He’s beautiful, and you can help but stare. Hard, eager, and thick, greeting you with a small trimmed patch of golden blonde curls. You wrap your hand around the base.

You never expected a vampire to whimper, but that's exactly what happens when your tongue darts out of your mouth to lick the head of his cock. Quick, tentative little lick, testing the waters. Your tongue swipes across the slit at the tip of his thick member and his hands animate like you flipped a switch, rising up, going to your hair, rising up again, slamming down against the desk. Your boss’ desk. You lick a long stripe to the underside of his cock, paying close attention to the prominent vein there.

“So good, so good, oh you feel so-” he pants out, hands white knuckling the edge of the desk. Heat pools in your core, loving that he’s so vocal. Fuck, if he could just keep speaking. Your other hand moves to your shorts, sloppily and hastily undoing them and wiggling them down to your knees. You wrap your lips around the head of his cock and sink down on it, taking him as far as you can, until you couch when he hits the back of your throat.

“You look fucking beautiful like that. Please move, Please move, you’re so fucking good at this.”

You do, starting to bob your head up and down on the length of him, hollowing out your cheeks and flattening your tongue against him, cupping and massaging his balls in your hand. Your free finds itself between your legs, rubbing gently at your clit, stirred and encouraged by his praise.

“Does sucking me off get you hot and bothered?” Yesitdoes.

You keep bobbing your head, rubbing your clit, eyes trained on his until his eyes squeeze shut. His cock twitches in your mouth.

“Don't wanna- don't wanna finish in your mouth,” he’s urgent, grabbing you by the chin and pulling your mouth off of his cock. He pushes you back by your shoulders, letting you guide yourself back to lay on the rug. He pulls your loose shorts easily off your legs and settles himself between your legs, too eager to bother with removing his boots and everything.

“I’ve been wanting to do this for so long. Do you know how bad I wanted this?”

“Fuck me, Marko, dont say it. Just do it,” youre breathless under him, wanting nothing more than for him to be fucking you. He pauses.

“I dunno…” his thumb swipes up along your clit, drawing a whine from your throat, “For some reason I think you like it when I say things.”

You nod, knowing words will fail you. And he gives you what you want, lining himself up and sinking into you, groaning as he buries his head into the crook of your neck.

“Oh I knew your pussy would feel like fucking heaven,” he pants against your neck, pressing a harsh kiss to the underside of your jaw. He sets the pace quickly, unmerciful and fast, fucking hard and deep into you. His hands push up your thin tee shirt, and you can feel his sigh of relief when he gets a handful of bare breast. He doesn't have to deal with a bra tonight. You hike your knees up, opening yourself as much as you can to him, wanting him to fill you to the brim. He looks into your eyes while he fucks you, which comes as a surprise to you. Maybe it shouldn't. You wonder what it would be like to be a victim of his. Does he treat them well? Have fun with them like this? Or is he vicious? You don't know if you could picture him like that… vamped out.

“What does it feel like?”

“What?” he thrusts sharply, snapping his hips into you, making you yelp.

“To be fed on, but not to die.”

Are you serious? You hear him in your head.

YesIam. He thrusts like that again, earning an identical yelp, now coupled with your thighs squeezing him around the middle. You're close already, and he can tell.

He nods, a question; You nod, confirmation.

He pulls at the neckline of your shirt, already scooping so it doesn’t ruin, and exposes your shoulder. Somewhere non lethal. His other hand comes up to grip your jaw, covering your neck but being careful not to squeeze it. You hope he bruises your jaw, you realize. A physical way to feel him when dawn comes. He slows his pace to a rocking, grinding into you, staying deep.

Then he bites. Stars erupt behind your eyes, and it feels like your blood has turned to seltzer. Every nerve in your body is in overdrive as you moan and shake and come undone around his cock. You're the kind of girl that comes from the bite of a vampire, apparently. He doesn’t let up. You can faintly hear him moaning against the open wound in your shoulder, and you hope you taste good to him. He licks the wound a few times more, softly, carefully, like he’s trying to soothe you when he finally lets you come down from your high.

When he pulls back to let you see him, his features are gruesome, full vampire with sharp brows and cheekbones, pointed nose even that much more so almost birdlike. Fangs and bottom half of his face covered in blood.Your blood. He’s panting like an animal after the kill. But he doesn't scare you. Maybe he should, but he doesn't. It's just Marko, no matter what, and if he wanted to eat you he would have. Several times now. His hand finally releases your jaw, to wipe the blood from his face. He wipes his hand then on your face, covering you in your own blood, hot on his fingers and palm.

“Fuckin sexy,” he pants, voice deeper and distorted. His thrusts speed up, trying to find his own release as your nails dig into his back, maybe making him bleed as well. You feel the rug burn forming on your back, you feel tears in your eyes. It's never felt this good with other guys.

When he comes, he comes with a howl, buried deep inside you as he shouts and shivers then stills above you. Your chest is heaving, trying to regain yourself as his face slowly fades to normal, and he slumps down on top of you. He buries his face in the crook of your neck, near the wound he tore open, now no longer bleeding. He mouths at any bare skin he can find, lazy half kisses as he spreads more mess and blood on you. Your fingers find his curls again, winding them around your digits as you stare up at the sickly green mood lighting bathing the walls of the room.

An hour later, Marko is helping you lock up early.

He makes sure to dump out all of the ashes from spliffs and incense, makes sure the vinyl is all in its right place while you make sure the register and inventory is all in its rightful place and order.

“You’re dangerous, you know.”

“Me?” you scoff, “That rich, coming from you.”

I’d do a lot of things I’m not supposed to for you. You kinda don't want to ask him what he means by that. For some reason that feels like a conversation you shouldn't have tonight.

He leaves the store before you, holding the door open for you and letting you lock the doors. He slings an easy arm over your shoulder, not bothering to shield either of you from the rain as he steers you towards your car. You can feel the rain cleaning your face, the blood flowing away and saving you the shower you were going to take before collapsing into bed tonight.

“Where’s your bike?”

“I flew here,” he says with that devilish smile, and you're really not sure if he's joking or not. Your arm sneaks its way into his jacket and wraps around his waist, holding him close as he makes sure you get home same. Marko makes you feel calm, in a way you didn't feel before you moved to Santa Carla. How long had he been waiting to make his move? And does this mean he and his brothers would be coming around more often? Maybe being more friendly towards you. Each step towards your car feels heavy; You don't want to go home alone without him, but somehow you know he won't come with you.

“Will I see you again?”

He grabs your car keys from your hand, and sticks them in the door handle. Of course you will.

Right. You just have to be near the beach at night. You know, where you work.

He kisses you full on the mouth, holding you close and tight, like you could slip away at any second. When he finally lets you go you pull away to be met with his face, full on grinning, his eyes still closed from the kiss. He doesn't look like a killer.

Marko watches you as you pull open the door to your car and more or less throw your ass into the seat. He holds the door as he gives you one last smile, and says:

“You know, you should never invite a vampire into your life. Renders you powerless.”

And he winks.

#marko lost boys x reader #lost boys x reader #marko lost boys #my work

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mbti-notes · 4 years

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Pt. 1 Hi, I'm an INFJ & I'm trying to develop my functions in order bc I realised a bit that all of my functions are messed up. However, I stumbled upon a problem that makes me think I might be stuck in a quite heavy Ni-Ti loop. I was reading the type development part on cognitive functions. As I read through the part of how to develop Ni, I felt rlly motivated to do. However, when I got to Fe & the 3 important aspects of it, I felt extremely restless & conflicted.

I received the rest of your message, but I won’t include it due to length and it basically just being about one main point, which is that you don’t understand Fe at all.

Here’s a thought experiment: Let’s say that you’re a >2nd generation immigrant who wants to learn about your cultural background due to feeling disconnected from it. Do you think that it is a good idea to learn from someone who has no idea about that culture? Do you think that it is a good idea to learn from someone who is prejudiced or believes that it is an “inferior” culture? Do you think that it is a good idea to learn from someone who is ashamed of their minority status because they want to fit in with the majority culture? Do you think that it is a good idea to learn from someone who exemplifies all the negative rather than the positive aspects of the culture?

Imagine saying that you hate being a person of color because the white people around you told you that it’s a bad thing. Imagine saying that you hate being queer because all the straight people around you told you that it’s a bad thing. This is what you have been doing with Fe and being INFJ. You have internalized the voices that keep you in a constant state of self-loathing. And you continue to do so because (unconsciously) you don’t want to enact the changes that are necessary to grow (i.e. tertiary loop). How ironic that looping INFJs swear up and down that they want to “stay true to themselves” when what they’re actually doing is trying to fit in with whatever they’ve been led to believe is “better”, “superior”, or more “desirable” through their social learning. You see, you cannot escape using Fe - you are merely using it unconsciously to maim and kill yourself when you could be using it consciously to be your best self. By saying that you’d rather be another type, you enable self-hatred, which leads you squarely in the opposite direction of self-actualization. How are you ever going to bring out the best in yourself when you constantly put yourself down?

Pretty much everything that you believe about Fe is 1) a negative stereotype, and 2) a projection.

Negative stereotypes for every function/type abound because there a lot of people out there who suffer from “typism” (in believing that some types are better or superior to others). Some people are irrationally motivated to perpetuate negative stereotypes because they have an ax to grind, perhaps due to their own personality development problems, perhaps due to having had negative experiences with individuals of a particular type. You don’t have to spend much time in personality type forums to hear people complaining about this or that type, as though all individuals of a type are exactly the same.

People come to me all the time to talk about their relationship failures. More often than not, the problem is that they just don’t understand the other person’s type and how they think, feel, and behave differently - they are unable to understand, let alone appreciate, legitimate individual differences. Being at a low level of ego development, they have an unsophisticated and egocentric “theory of mind”, so they assume/expect that everyone should be like themselves, and then they of course become disturbed when it’s proven untrue.

For example, in the case of immature FPs, perhaps they can’t imagine the kind of expansive care/compassion that healthy Fe is capable of (due to not being capable of it themselves), which easily sparks suspicion or jealousy. With the example of looping INFJs, they usually suffer from emotional repression/detachment and cannot access the healthy feeling life that is necessary to motivate productive Fe behavior, so they resort to “faking it”. And instead of taking responsibility for their own Fe incompetence, they project their frustrations onto all Fe doms and call them all “fake”... which then comes back around to conveniently justify staying in Ti loop and refusing Fe development.

It’s not my job to convince people to develop a function when they clearly don’t want to - I won’t waste my precious time like that. In fact, I don’t bother with them and tell them not to bother, because there’s no point in trying to develop for all the wrong reasons. Self-development requires explicit commitment to change. Until you are committed enough to change your faulty beliefs and let go of your resistance against function development, no amount of outside advice/help is going to budge you, because you’re not open and willing to learn. Self-development must begin with taking personal responsibility for the problems that you have. While your past experiences have brought you to this point, your problems are yours, and what you decide to do NOW is what determines your future. Stand up and take the lead or continue to be led - it’s your choice. INFJs write to me quite often about Fe+Ti loop problems, so I have written extensively about it already, read through the tags if you care to.

#infj #auxiliary fe #fe #development #auxiliary #tertiary #loop #stereotypes #ask

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manggojooz · 4 years

Text

Pick A Side (Part 13)

pairing: Taehyung x reader

word count: 2,244

genre: university!au; angst; romance; thriller; a lil bit of fluff

warnings: slight references to voyeuristic behaviour

taglist: @destiel1597 @mila271 @hopetookmysoul @ximaginx@honeyursosweet @coffeecupyoongs@bangtanbaesstuff@annoyingpessimist @betysotelo18 @okaysoplshelpme@igot7bangs @tahaing @mochi-and-co @somewhereinthestarss

“I don’t want this thing to get any bigger than it already is... I just hope it dies down quickly and quietly. That is all I want now. I have no answer either. But somehow the world makes me feel that as the victim, finding the culprit, seeking justice, is not my priority”, Jihyun explained and stood up to leave.

“Jihyun...”, you called out to her.

She didn’t turn around but she did stop moving towards the café’s door.

“Don’t be fooled into thinking that he’s on your side...”, you preached.

She suddenly felt a surge of irritation, she spun around and stalked back towards Taehyung and you.

“My side? Then are you on my side? Is he on my side?”, she raged as she pointed at Taehyung. “Just because he’s here with you, you think he’s on your side now? You should be the one being worried about getting fooled, Y/N. Don’t be too happy now... we may all be in the same boat in the end.”

You suddenly felt a sense of embarrassment and a tinge of guilt. Who were you to be preaching a lesson to her? Everyone faces life with a different set of lenses. We have experienced different things, we have met different people, we have walked different paths. Thus, the specifications of our lenses cannot be the same. Even when we face that same landscape, that same frame, how we capture it and how the final picture develops, will ultimately be dependent on those lenses.

You watched Jihyun walk out of the café and you thought to yourself, we always assume people share the same values and the same world view as us. That’s why it is difficult to understand when they see things differently from us. And when we don’t understand why they don’t think like us, we conclude that they stand against us, that they are on the other side.

Jihyun stalks on, her winter boots clicking against the dull pavement. She kept her eyes on the ground as she walked along. She never used to be this way. She used to enjoy seeing the view on her way, but now she just doesn’t want to meet anyone’s eyes. The moment she does, she wonders whether they know about her, whether they are judging her.

Out of nowhere, you rushed out in front of her, cutting her path. She was befuddled at your persistence. But then again, maybe you are just desperate to save Taehyung from this situation. You will probably never see it from her view – that what you are asking her to do, is to believe a guy who has hurt and abandoned her, and to give up on one who had supported her through the most difficult times.

“Jihyun, I’m trying to-”, you started

“Y/N,”, Jihyun sighed and you immediately stopped talking, because you know you needed to hear her out, you needed to figure out what kind of lenses she has now. “Is it weird if I think that you must be happy this happened to me? Is it weird that I think you must also be happy to know that Taehyung never truly loved me? Even if it’s weird, that is what I think. And I have been suppressing and suppressing it, telling myself to not see you as the same petty person that I am. But here you are, making me doubt the only person that is keeping me stable now. Don’t... push me further please, I think I might really go crazy...”, Jihyun’s words were just pouring out.

“You are petty...”, her face said it all, she was shocked that you would say it so abruptly and directly, “... but so am I. All the times Taehyung took your side. Every time I saw your triumphant smile, it’s as if I was the pettiest girlfriend who ever existed. I always thought to myself, I hope one day you will be in my shoes and will realise how it felt. But I’m not happy now either, Jihyun...”, you said.

She was skeptical, she even scoffed lightly but that did not deter you from explaining, “... because I was the one who went around drawing those lines, separating myself from this person, from that person. If you are not standing on my side of the line, I get hurt. With these rules I made for myself, how can I ever expect to be happy?”

You cannot deny that it is human nature to want to be sided with, but when you start obsessing over it, when everything is either your side or not your side, that becomes counter-productive, or in some ways, it can manifest into ‘jealousy’.

“If I'm not making sense to you... what I'm really trying to say is that I was wrong to think that everything is black and white, my side or your side or whatever... what I'm getting at is that not everything is about picking a side, Jihyun. You are still my friend... I just want to help you, just like I want to help Taehyung too. There can be no other reason why I am doing this...”, you pleaded with her.

“After all that has happened, you think we are still friends?”, she asked, very incredulously.

“Why not? Even after all that has happened, you believed that I wasn’t the one who took those photos of you, right?”, you questioned.

She kept quiet and still, silently acknowledging it.

“And despite your getting together with Taehyung not long after our break up, I believe you were just friends with him while I was dating him. I just wanted to tell you that”, you said.

“I liked him”, Jihyun suddenly said. “I liked Taehyung before you guys got together. But when he was with you, I never intended to snatch him away. I was just not used to him prioritising another girl, we were best friends for a really long time you know...”, she said softly.

“I know...”, you replied.

There was a long silence, both of you not really looking at each other but still stealing glances from time to time until Jihyun broke the silence, “He really locked up you up on the rooftop? Haejoong?”

You nodded, showing her a frost bite you had gotten on the sides of your palm. “It’s not about whether you believe me, it’s about what is the truth, we need to find out...”

---

As Jihyun walks into the police station, Haejoong was sucked into his own vacuum amidst the bustling scene.

A lot ran through his mind in a matter of seconds, and he stood up from his seat, his hands still cuffed in front of him as he approaches Jihyun. You wanted to jump at him a second time, but Taehyung held onto your wrist and shook his head at you.

“Jihyun...”, she winces as he calls her name. Just as he inhaled to say something again, one police officer shouted from across the room.

“Hyung, the room’s cleared!”, he pointed towards a corridor at the same time.

Haejoong was moved into an interrogation room. Unlike the dramas it wasn’t dimly-lit, but it was shabby-looking. The police quickly got down to taking all of your statements before they will proceed to question Haejoong. Once your statements were given, Helen, Taehyung, Jihyun and you, were all told to leave. You were not allowed to watch the interrogation anyway.

Jihyun requested to speak to Haejoong for just five minutes but was rejected by the policemen. “Come back after we are done questioning him, Ms Kim”, was all they instructed her.

---

The next day you walked into class, that same one that you used to hate because of Jihyun and Taehyung, and used to find refuge in sharing the class with Haejoong.

Some of your classmates were looking at you fleetingly, curious but not wanting to make actual eye contact. You took a deep breath and intended to bulldoze through the stairs to your usual seat at the back of the room, but a voice caught you by surprise.

“Y/N”, you turned to see that it was Hyesoo, the teaching assistant who had called you. “These are mine, it’s only for your reference, don’t write on them, don’t crumple them and make sure you return it to me once the project is done”, she nagged and shoves a notebook into your face.

You looked at the book with utter confusion and then back at her.

“What? All four of you have been so caught up in producing your own little school drama that you forgot the project is due next Monday? With the number of classes you guys missed, and having one groupmate held in a police station... why do you keep looking at me like that, you don’t want my notes? Fine... give it back”, she sneered.

She almost snatches the notebook from your grasp but at the last moment your fingertips stuck onto them and tore it back from her.

“No no I just totally forgot about the deadline... thanks sunbaenim...”, you stammered.

Her haughty air doesn’t let down, and her hair flips as she turns to walk away to her seat again.

---

Taehyung and Jihyun were nowhere in sight during the class, so you messaged him asking where he was but there was no reply. You walked listlessly out of the building after the class ended, thinking whether to give Taehyung a call or to drop by the student office first.

“Y/N”, it was Taehyung’s voice and you scanned around in the crowd of students, finally spotting him standing not far from the landing of the stairs that led out from the school building. Jihyun was next to him and as you approached them you noticed how her eyes were all red and swollen.

“I called Jihyun this morning to make sure she would go for class, but she didn’t pick up and when I went to her room... she stayed up the whole night, I just couldn’t leave her there alone”, Taehyung explained.

You nodded.

“Are you feeling okay?”, you asked her.

“I want to go meet him”, Jihyun said.

---

“Why?”, she asked Haejoong who was sitting across the table from Jihyun and you. The police only allowed two people to meet him at one time, so Taehyung volunteered to wait outside, a little too willingly.

“Why?”, he wasn’t mimicking her, he was genuinely bewildered that she didn’t understand him, his choices. He continued to peer at her, his hands hidden below the table.

“I have so many questions, I don’t even know where to start”, she would pause a little between her words but she looked at him with a coldness resembling the season.

“Because I like you... I would think you would know that by now-”, Haejoong answered but a scoff from you cuts him off.

“Funny... that’s what you said to me not too long ago too...”, you spat sarcastically.

He doesn’t even so much as glance at you, he was only fixated on Jihyun.

“That was different”, he asserted without missing beat.

You pouted your lower lip and slowly bobbed your head. “It was different... hmm... I thought about it for really long. Why is it that you liked Jihyun but approached me at the start?”

He finally turns to you, his eyes rather unconcerned about your phishing attempt.

“You wanted to see if Taehyung would get jealous? You wanted to make Taehyung leave Jihyun...? You were just using me to achieve that?”, you theorised, you spoke slowly and peeked twice at Jihyun to make sure she was not too affected.

“He doesn’t love her... she deserves to know that...”, Haejoong hisses at you in response.

“Then why?! If you like me, why would you make everyone shun me like that... by taking those photos and videos?”, Jihyun bursts out at him eventually.

“I didn’t make them shun you, Jihyun... don’t you see it? None of those bastards who claim to like you will stay by your side when it really matters. After Taehyung left you, they think they stood a chance”, he mocked and they would circle you like bees circling a flower, but look how they all just fly away when you face the smallest problem”, his answer sounded like he was trying to pacify a child who didn’t know better about the horrible world.

“And you? You created the problem just to save me from it!”, Jihyun’s voice reeked with disbelief.

“No! I didn’t create the problem... I was only showing you the problem. I was showing you the truth, Jihyun-ah!”, Haejoong leaned in as he shouted his reply at Jihyun. He was taken aback; this was the first time he raised his voice at her.

“You are crazy...”, Jihyun whispered as she gripped her thighs to stop her hands from shaking.

You reached out your right hand and gently placed it over her tightening left hand.

“And it still wasn’t enough...”, Haejoong said with a dejected yet chilling expression.

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fuckyeahevanrwood · 7 years

Text

Evan Rachel Wood Shares The 21 Lessons She Learned In Her 20s

In honor of turning 30 yesterday

I can finally start looking back on my past with a smile on my face because it’s over and I survived.

My brother compares turning 30 with that moment in The Goonies when Sean Astin escapes booby traps and bandits and finds One-Eyed Willy. He walks up to this mythical corpse and the gold treasure he has been searching for and says, “You’ve been expecting me, haven’t you? Well, I made it. I beat you. I got here in one piece… so far.”

I very easily could have been dead in my 20s. I think a lot of people can relate to this. I did not think I would make it this far. So every second is a gift.

I can let my past empower me, rather than define me and my thoughts about myself.

I can stand taller, but more humbled and with less to prove.

My 20s were a really intense time of metamorphosis, loss, love, trauma, and enlightenment. I traveled the world. Met more people than I can count. Sang with my heroes, fell deeply in love, moved across the country—twice. Was engaged to Marilyn Manson. (Remember that? That was weird.) Did well in my career. Earned enough money to live comfortably.

I was also preyed upon, taken advantage of, lied to, raped twice on two separate occasions, forgot who I was for a while, attempted suicide… twice, been through many different kinds of intense therapy, held secrets in for years till I collapsed, came out of the closet, got married, had a baby at home, got divorced, wrote and recorded an album, lost two grandparents, gained two siblings, played the most inspiring role I have had the pleasure of inhabiting, and finally started writing.

All in all, there hasn’t been a dull moment. My 20s have been a wonderful nightmare. My limits have been tested in many ways, and I learned I am much stronger than I ever thought possible.

The greatest lesson I have learned is that there is always more to learn.

I can’t fit everything I have learned in my 20s into this piece, but, in no particular order, here are some tips that really helped me get this far and a reflection of where I am now, as this new decade of possibilities rolls around.

Love, Impermanence, and the Gift of Being Alone I have true friends. I can spot red flags easier, and I am not as much of a martyr when it comes to people and their issues. I have learned that you are no good to anyone if you don’t take care of your mind, body, and spirit first, and that does not make you selfish; it’s essential for a healthy, happy state of mind.

Take time for yourself. I cannot stress this enough. If you can’t sit alone with yourself, you will never be fully content sitting with another person. You will feel on edge, insecure, and like an imposter. You will project an image of what you think someone wants rather than just owning who you are. You will need someone to validate you, and when they fall short of filling up the space you’ve carved out in yourself that only YOU can fill, you will resent them, you will lose them, and the pattern will repeat.

Unless… You learn to be alone with yourself first. Fall in love with YOURSELF first. Be someone you respect. If you truly love yourself, you know that whether or not someone chooses to be with you, you will be okay. You have you, and you love you. You have to know that if someone walks out the door, although it may be painful, you will be alright. Don’t be afraid to rip the band-aid off rather than let the wound beneath become infected.

Letting go is a hard lesson, make no mistake. Goodbyes are the hardest, and nothing lasts forever, it’s an unavoidable part of life. Make peace with it as much as you can. Find the gratitude in every moment, good and bad. Don’t take any moment for granted. Take mental snapshots, real snapshots, journal, have a quiet moment with yourself. Every second you are alive you are living a memory, so let it flow through you. Let the bittersweetness of life fill your body.

Be grateful you can love enough to have a broken heart. Be happy for the sweet memories that will never be undone. See the rebirth in loss as much as you can. Devastating blows can become a time of transformation. Some losses we never fully get over, but you can carry the memories with you everywhere you go. They are a part of you. They make you who you are.

Anger and Asking Yourself Hard Questions Anger is tricky. Anger is deceptive. If you really examine your anger, it’s just pain with cayenne pepper on it. It hurts so bad it burns. If you are angry at someone you don’t even know, please, I beg you, ask yourself why. Really. Ask yourself questions. It sounds crazy, but I gotta tell you, your inner voice is a smart m***********. One of the best tools I ever received was this piece of advice:

When you are in a spin, overwhelmed with emotion, fear, jealousy, heartbreak, loneliness, ANGER, ask yourself two questions: “What am I feeling? And why am I feeling it?” Answer as deeply and honestly as you can.

Even if you aren’t proud of the answer, you can’t change until you admit the problem. This is a conversation we need to have with ourselves. We love ourselves, remember? We don’t judge ourselves. We forgive ourselves, and then we take the next step toward the person we want to be.

You can’t move on or learn the lesson unless you have the awareness to call yourself out on your own shit. Do not be afraid of this. Be proud of this. You are imperfect, and sometimes you are wrong, but so is everyone. You are in good company. Leave your pride and moral superiority at the door. Try to be as understanding as you can, take a breath, and ask yourself questions. Go inward and feel where your body is tense. You hold more stress in your body than you think. Unless you ask yourself where it is, you can’t let it go. Try relaxing every part of your body as much as you can. When something just won’t let go, ask yourself why. This can be more intense than you are prepared for sometimes.

Which brings me to another piece of advice I love: Don’t be afraid of the answer. You may not like what you hear, or you may be incredibly relieved that it’s not as bad as you thought. The stories we tell ourselves and the things we assume about a situation or a person are sometimes 10 times worse than the truth. Be self-aware.

Ask Questions and Ask for Help Don’t be afraid of asking questions—any question, anytime, to anyone. Don’t pretend to know things you don’t. Just ask. If people give you shit, it says more about them than it does you. You have nothing to prove. You are smart for asking questions. We are always learning if we open ourselves up to the things we don’t know. People want to help you. They do. How good do you feel when you impart wisdom onto someone else and it actually helps them? Pretty damn good, right? Like you did something worthwhile? Remember this when you are afraid to ask for help.

Speaking Your Truth and Trusting Your Intuition Learn how to say no, without guilt. Sometimes our answers will hurt people, and it’s hard, but living a lie is harder for all parties involved. Lying to protect people hurts them more in the long run. So tell the truth at all costs. Give people a little more credit about having the ability to understand. Dr. Seuss said it the best, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”

Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don’t play games. Don’t make people guess. Don’t expect them to know what you need, we can’t read minds… yet. Say. How. You. Feel. and actually say, “I feel...” Not, “You did...” or something else that puts your emotions on another person. It will be received so much better if it comes from your experience rather than a projection of your experience onto someone else.

Now the balancing act. While doing this, also, trust your intuition. After asking yourself the important questions, know when the problem isn’t about you. Learn the red flags for toxic people. Sometimes you learn by falling into the trap. If you are feeling drained of your life force, that’s a red flag. If you don’t know who you are anymore, that’s a red flag. If you constantly walk on eggshells and make yourself smaller to please someone else, that’s a red flag. If your self-worth is placed on another person’s opinion of you, that’s a red flag.

Red flags can be more dangerous than we realize. Sometimes emotional abuse is worse than physical. It’s harder to pinpoint and identify. It’s harder to make sense of, and it’s easier for your brain to lie to itself and tell you it’s something it’s not. Sometimes our minds are so scared of what they see, they want to protect themselves by changing the story to make it less painful. Sort of a censored version. But that can lead to perpetual abuse if we don’t learn to read the signs in others, and in ourselves.

Again, don’t be afraid to let people walk out the door. Don’t stay with an abusive personality because you think that’s the best you can do or you are afraid to be alone.

Texting Never have important conversations over text message. Pick up the phone or meet in person. That’s all I have to say about that. It’s pretty self-explanatory, but it’s serious advice.

Safe Sex Ladies and gentlemen, always carry condoms. Don’t assume the other person has them. And if you want someone to wear one and they don’t, stand your ground. If they can’t respect basic boundaries, it ain’t worth it. You are not a dud for suggesting it, it’s common sense. Especially if you don’t know each other that well. Have safe sex. Don’t feel pressured by anyone. Set a precedent and stand by it. Enjoy your sex. Have as much as you want. But plan accordingly and be responsible and safe.

One more thing: Most people who say they “can’t do it with one on,” will find it miraculously possible to do it if you take sex off the table. So take no shit. Ladies, you especially.

Living in Fear Don’t worry about things being too good. Don’t be anxious because you are waiting for something bad to happen because I got news for you: Eventually, bad things happen. They always do. It’s life. And sometimes we can be so scared of bad things happening, that we unconsciously move toward them. We fumble the ball, we react without thinking, we make rash decisions, we say things we don’t mean. We get in our own way because we are operating out of fear. Everything is temporary, even the good times. So it’s better to be happy and enjoy the moment until the next unexpected bad thing happens, which you will survive—you have survived every bad day so far.

And if you do your best with good intentions, then you can move on with your head held high. You will fail more than you succeed, and if you didn’t learn your lesson the first time, don’t worry, the universe will serve it right back up for round two, three, four, or as many rounds as it takes before the lesson really lands.

A Wise Man Is Silent Make people earn your story. Don’t give yourself to everyone right away. As the saying goes: “A wise man is silent.” Being super fucked-up isn’t what makes you interesting. It’s a part of a much bigger picture, so don’t be a slave to your war stories. Make people earn them. Talking and talking about yourself doesn’t leave a lot of room for listening. So listen. Really listen. Don’t wait for your turn to talk. Listen to people. Have those close friends you trust that you can vent to, but make sure you give them the same in return. The energy you put out will find its way back to you. Trust in this.

Apologies Say you’re sorry and mean it. Say it without expecting anything back. We can’t fix people or right their wrongs for them, so never expect an apology in return. All you can do is take responsibility for your own actions. Don’t expect them to forgive you, but be grateful when they do. Don’t give any gift expecting a certain outcome. You give it out of the kindness of your own heart to make someone feel appreciated and that’s it. How they receive it, is not up to you and unimportant. The gift of giving is always enough.

Dancing Dance. Every day.

Singing Sing in the shower. Sing in the car. Play your music loud every now and then. Oh yeah, and dance.

Forgiveness This was one of the hardest lessons for me. I learned that you must forgive. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. It doesn’t mean you accept just anyone back in your life, and it doesn’t absolve someone of their sins. It’s actually for you. It’s to free you from the anger you carry, which will eventually become poison. You don’t punish people by staying angry, you only punish yourself.

Forgiveness is really just understanding. Try to find yourself in people as much as you can, that’s where forgiveness starts. If you do choose to forgive someone and keep them in your life, you cannot punish them for the same crime forever. Forgiving someone and keeping them around means you move on. Let go. It’s not fair to all the imperfect people in the world—which is everyone—to hold a mistake over someone’s head indefinitely to use as ammo when you need it. You’re on a power trip. Step off.

Success and Money Success is a perfect storm. It’s a mixture of luck and skill. It isn’t always fair, but if you achieve it, make sure you don’t get caught up in the “things.” The “things” are the objects you fill your life with. Useless things that make you feel good for a second, and then it’s on to the next “thing.”

The “image” of success isn’t always real. Material possessions, excess, luxury… these will not make you truly happy. They might be fun for a minute, but you can be in a room filled with people and still feel alone. You can have all the money in the world, but it won’t make you love yourself. There is always a level higher up, and you will never reach the top. Success is sometimes like getting to the peak of a mountain and then realizing there is another mountain waiting for you. It will never feel like enough; it is not required to make you love yourself. It’s a bonus if anything.

Be grateful for where you are at every moment. Sometimes the journey is the best part, and you don’t realize it till its over. Does money make things easier? Absolutely, and I wish everyone had access to enough that gave them their basic needs. I honestly can’t imagine where I would be without the privilege and the means to get the help I needed when I needed it, and it pisses me off that everyone doesn’t have a fair chance. That being said, the balancing act continues. Don’t be afraid to enjoy your success. Don’t let people’s bitterness and judgment make you feel bad for doing well. They don’t know your story, and you deserve to be happy. “Smile, all the world’s problems aren’t your own.”

Open Your Doors Open your doors to people when they are struggling. Make them some food, give them some tea, give them a place to rest, listen without judgment. Be a safe haven. Sometimes that’s all we need—a place to rest our head for a short while.

Don’t worry about what you have to offer. People actually need very little to be comforted. Don’t overthink it. Just open your heart and your ears. Don’t try to fix everything. Sometimes all we need to hear is, “That sounds really hard.”

Read Read. If you can’t read or don’t have time, get Audible, get a book on tape, just have people spewing out knowledge to you whenever you can. Wash the dishes, listen to a book. Take a drive, listen to a book. Watch documentaries, and learn other people’s stories, gain some perspective. Even if you don’t catch every word, your subconscious will. Learn psychology! It’s the study of you and your brain, and it’s priceless information. It will give you great insight into yourself and others, but (balancing act) don’t overanalyze. No two people are the same.

Here are a few books that changed my life. Games changers, all of them. A lot of what I say here are the opinions I got through trial and error, but they’re mixed with regurgitated, extremely helpful advice I got from one of these books.

1.The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz 2. Conversations with God (I, II, III), Neale Donald Walsch

3. The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle 4. The Prophet, Khalil Gibran 5. Oh the Places You’ll Go, Dr. Seuss

Carry these with you when you can.

Travel If you can, travel. Don’t put it off, just pull the trigger. Someone invites you to a weekend getaway, say yes. Road trip? Say yes. Last minute trip out of the country? Say YES! You have to get your butt out the door and actually go.

Our Thoughts Become Reality Tell yourself good things about yourself. This one is actually really hard. Why do we feel so silly giving ourselves compliments but welcome the bad thoughts no problem? Your thoughts shape your world, so make ’em good. Practice this every day. Eventually, you will retrain your mind. How you feel about yourself becomes your truth—period. So steer your thoughts in a positive direction, everything else will follow.

Patience and Faith When things are hard, when you are so low you can’t get up, remember everything is temporary, even the bad times. Have faith that you will get up again. You will get up again.

Parenthood Becoming a parent made me see my parents completely differently. They are their own imperfect people with their own story. Parents fuck up, all the time, But being a parent is the hardest, most amazing thing a person can go through. It’s not for the faint of heart. It triggers you, brings up old patterns and repressed memories. All we can do is work on ourselves as much as possible before your children come into your life. Then, grab onto something, ’cause you are in for a wild ride. Becoming a mom is the best thing I ever did with my life, but it’s not for everyone. It’s harder than you think and you are never ready, but it will open up your heart in ways you never thought possible.

Divorce I was going to write a long messy thing about this, but it’s really for another time. Divorce felt like dying. Like my dreams were ripped out of my heart and trampled on. It was an out-of-body experience and the worst heartbreak I have ever gone through. The hardest thing I had to learn and accept was that sometimes, despite what we have been told, love is not enough. But when I look at my life now and imagine how things would have been different had I stayed married, I can’t say I would have the heart to change anything. I rest easy knowing that I had love, real love, for a short while. So, just listen to the LCD Sound System song “I Can Change.” It sums up marriage and divorce pretty damn well.

Dream Every day. Every chance you get. Dream big. Dream without limits and let go of all that fear of embarrassment. Let go! Jump in. Whatever project you are thinking about, start it. Just start. Start somewhere. Get better little by little until you are flying. Get lost in your thoughts. Learn how to manifest. Dream as much as you can. Everything starts off as a dream before it becomes reality. Don’t wait for opportunities to come to you. Make your own things. Believe in yourself. Sometimes you gotta be the one to make the move. To quote Almost Famous: “Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid.”

All of this advice is much easier said than done, but everything is easier said than done. It’s whether or not you are willing to do the work. It’s all a balancing act. So just use your best judgment and learn from mistakes. That’s all I got for now. See you in 10 years.

Shine on, ERW

#evan rachel wood #by evan #nylon #nylon magazine

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linkspooky · 7 years

Text

The Cult of the King

This passage right here in Tokyo Ghoul 101: The Toys always struck me as odd. I assumed from his past interactions Take had a more complex motivation than this. Perhaps it was all the foreshadowing that Take might die by Arima’s hand with a blade to the neck, perhaps it was in the past the character had been shown standing up for the sake of Irimi after being shown that she defended an old woman that his commander had ruthlessly tried to cut down as long as it meant Irimi would fall too.

He’s shown questioning the CCG’s attitude of always killing ghouls on the spot because apparently that is what will be safer for humans, when he’s presented with a superior officer who was literally willing to kill an innocent human as long as it meant a more quick and efficient kill for a ghoul.

However with all the buildup of his character, apparently when all is said and done his motivation just boils down to “I want Arima to say I did a good.” The manga deliberately sets up Take as his own character, somebody who has their own personal agency and is not just a side npc, or a satellite which reolves around Arima. However, when it comes time for Take to state his own motivation this is all he can say.

What exactly is the point of a revolution, if the only reason you’re participating is because you’re following the orders of somebody else?

Then again, this kind of self depreciating issue seems to occur in a lot of what is identified as Arima’s closest inner circle. There are two characters heavily connected to him, who seem almost completely hung up on the idea of Arima giving them praise. Not because he is continually nice to them, but there was some point in the past he acknowledged them when no one else would.

I am of course talking about both Hairu and Ui.

[Vice- Squad Leader] Ihei Hairu (20) First Class Investigator (Batch 74) Sunlit Garden* Birthday: September 29 Female Blood type: B Size: 160cm/58kg Quinque: Aus (Rinkaku; Rate S+), T-human (Ukaku; Rate S+) Honors: Single White Wing Award, Golden Osmanthus Award Hobby: Combat training, doodling, taking to herself, observing Arima-san What she wants right now: Arima-san’s IXA [x]

Hairu’s main motivation seems to be just getting Arima’s simple praise. To which Fura says that Arima does not praise anyone. We learn why this motivation was so powerful later, because to the Garden Children Arima was their hope. It seems that garden children are so emotionally starved that all Arima had to do was acknowledge her in the past, to earn Hairu’s full devotion.

Even to those who weren’t completely emotionally starved like Garden children though, are shown having a fixation with Arima. Ui Koori for isntance, most likely wanted to be praised the same way that Hairu did. When asked why he has such a grudge against Sasaki, he flashes back to Arima’s preferential treatment of him.

When he thinks Sasaki is trying to upstage him, he immeidately sees pictures Arima instead.

Arima and getting praised by Arima, is a really strong motivator for Ui as well and besides being rich and possibly lonely from what we know of him he comes from a pretty standard household.

He’s even referred to as the “Arima Devotees”.

It seems like an effect that Arima brings out in others, either their jealousy, or their devoting their entire beings to themselves.

Of course, it’s up to Ui, Hairu and Take to evaluate their own actions and their own hangups and projected expectations they push onto other people, but it seems part of the situation was worsened by Arima’s own insistence on his passivitiy. His self loathing that led to him seeing himself unable to contribute anything good while he lived and continued to live as a killer. While I understand the motive behind it, I feel like Arima’s choosing not to put out. (That is not to say something as simple as “Good Job” to Ui and Hairu when it would have meant the absolute world to them) is a choice. One deliberated by him, and one where the result is people around him continually working, devoting themselves wholeheartedly, even worshipping him to give him praise that he is just never going to give.

Arima is empty, so it’s easy for others to just project whatever they wanted onto him. While it’s true that to an extent people projecting onto him made Arima lonelier, even more of an outcast, I believe it was Arima himself who chose not to try to fill himself with anything substantive, to do anything with himself besides sit on the throne of king.

In chapter 73: Flower we’re shown a transition between Torso mirroring Mutsuki’s abusive father, and a pan down to Arima and Kaneki. Kaneki’s issue the entire chapter with Arima has been exactly this, no matter what he tries he cannot get Arima in any way to explain himself, or even emote. He’s left confused and unable to communicate in Arima whatsoever.

Is this perhaps a foil? Something to suggest that there is something wrong on Arima’s part? That perhaps his total passivity isn’t just damaging to him, but to the others around him?

Just think about it for a moment, if Arima had been a little bit more honest with Ui, where would Ui be right now? Perhaps on Kaneki’s side fighting for the true justice he valued, instead of believing that everybody who had ever loved him would betray him or die.

If Arima had told the garden children it was okay to live their own lives outside of fighting and he would still be proud for them, would Hairu have walked so easily into her own death believing Arima would praise her if she just simply managed to exterminate the Tsukiyama ghouls even better than she had done previously.

Where exactly does the line of fault fall, is it Hairu and Ui’s for putting so much expectations onto Arima, or Arima for cultivating them and making use of them and never being physically capable of giving out praise the thing they needed the most, but still associating with them anyway. Arima was after all the previous one eyed king, even if all he did was sit on the throne as a symbol for Eto to use, he still used the zero squad at his disposal to purposefully slaughter ghouls and create a terrifying image of himself to be a villain to slaughter in the end. He needed their strength and loyalty, Hairu, Ui’s, to complete his own objective and also kept them in the dark about what they were fighting for. Doesn’t that strike of manipulation at least a little bit?

Notice that the people behind Eto in this art all at least have masks on (she’s an author, she likes to know about the characters in her story), while all those behind Arima are completely faceless.

Of course the point that Arima is morally ambiguous is probably not a new shock to anybody. The reason I bring this up now, is because I see a similiar kind of trait seeming to arise in people who are now surrounding themselves and devoting themselves to Kaneki.

Arima is not just a father figure to Kaneki, or a foil, he’s somebody who lived a tragic and sad life because of flaws he has in similiar in Kaneki, he’s a bad future, somebody who Kaneki should be scared of growing up into. Arima besides being able to pass on the torch to Kaneki, besides sparing a few Garden Children wasn’t able to accomplish much with his life, he succumbed to his own despair and died far away from the people who cared about him. Ui, Fura, Take and the rest of the garden children weren’t able to reach him to mourn him in time. He only had Sasaki in the end, because to Arima Sasaki was the only person he gave anything to at all.

The point is that Kaneki should tread lightly about the way people have been treating him in the comic lately. Regardless of him bieng a leader to an organization, even before the formation of Goat he had people dedicate a weird amount of time and effort to him.

Re: was created especially for him. Touka says as long as he comes back home, it’ll be alright.

I’m not saying that Touka is devoting the entirety of her existence to Kaneki, but the question is what exactly does Kaneki have to contribute here? If all he has to do is show up and not push Touka away.

Even the way they hold each other after sex looks pretty explicitly like Kaneki being comforted by Touka. This is after she cheekily implied that she considered having sex with him as a way of stopping him from dying.

This isn’t to imply that I find Touka and Kaneki’s relationship abusive whatsoever, just as it exists right now it seems a bit too much “give” on Touka’s side. The same thing I see happening with Hinami, who as we remember Kaneki neglected and emotionally starved in a jail cell for more than six months.

Even after all that loyalty she showed him which was met with complete neglect on Kaneki’s end, when she finally stands up for herself she only does so out of concern for Kaneki.

Kaneki never so much as offers an apology to her, but the time we see her caught up again she’s gone back to as always, simply repressing her own emotions and trying to make Kaneki happy.

There’s also the example of Tsukiyama, I’ll keep this brief because I’ve been harping on it a lot, but this is a character who fell into a three year coma because of Kaneki, who Kaneki led an entire extermination against his household. Yet the first time they meet again afterwards, he says Kaneki is already forgiven without having to apologize, and then goes back to being his most loyal servant. Even when he disagrees with the way Kaneki is running his strategy, his complaints are rejected with a reminder of his loyalty.

This is not to mention the way Mutsuki, and Saiko basically worship Kaneki and are willing to forgive him for every transgression and cutting him out of their lives without word or warning if he simply just comes back to the CCG.

We know that these urges exist in Kaneki. To be loved by everyone. That he only really is invested in fighting for the people he personally cares about, the ones who are five feet in front of him.

That what he cares about, what he fights for, what his ultimate bottom line is, is receiving love from the people that he too happens to care about. It just seems that just like Arima, Kaneki has cultivated a sort of emotional dependency of all these people on him, to the point where they’re willing to do almost anything just to keep him around.

it’s important to remember that Kaneki despite having an abandonment complex is a serial abandonner, Hide, Touka, Hinami (twice), Banjou, Tsukiyama, The Q’s, and never once is he called out for abandoning others without a word, or warning. All of these people just want so desperately to have him back. For Arima it was praise, for Kaneki it was merely to stick around. We find people working themselves in circles to earn something from him. Forgetting that relationships aren’t about what’s earned, what’s deserved, and are give and take rather than all give.

What Kaneki needs to learn is that other people have motivations and feelings outside of his own. It’s so strange to see a character whose basiaclly pure empathy unwilling to grasp this, but that’s what makes for a unique character conflict.

Of course now literally being worshipped as king by starving people who have no choice but to depend upon him is meant to aggravate this problem rather than help it.

Furuta is an active king, who bids people to worship him and promises that in return for their worship he will literally grant the impossible to them, for Ui as long as he worships Furuta he can revive the dead. This is an active manipulation on his part.

Kaneki, the black repaer is pictured on the same page that talks about worshipping the reaper because he is the only god available to them. Is Kaneki too, the foil to Furuta, manipulative in a way? Passively demanding and thriving off of the worship of others?

Either way I think to truly motivate people to fight, Kaneki will eventually have to fight for one on one connection. Rather than be worshipped, he has to be able to process and form attachments to people that are both take and give. That are fighting alongside, rather than protecting.

Perhaps the most important decision Ken Kaneki makes for his arc is not one where he accepts and sits on the throne of King, but rather one where he destroys it.

#meta #tg meta #kaneki ken #arima kishou #tokyo ghoul meta #tokyo ghoul theory #take hirako

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thelifeofasloth · 7 years

Text

Hate Is Such a Strong Word ~ Shawn Mendes Imagine

I am so thankful that my last two posts have done so well, and I would not have imagined they would have done so well in a short amount of time. Thank you very much. REQUESTS ARE OPEN.

You hated Shawn Mendes.

Hate was too much of a nice word for someone like him, but to keep it PG that’s the only word you could think of. You had gone through high school with him, which you honestly did not know how you managed those 5 years at all! But, for this to happen you must have broken at least 7 mirrors because that seemed the only logical reason why he was at the same college as you, doing the same major, and (yes it gets worse than this) for some unbeknown reason to yourself, your mothers have decided to become best buds. You were furious about this whole thing you were debating whether to take a one-way ticket to the moon. For some reason which no one seemed to have warned you about were the feelings that would follow a few months at college, having to spend the unfortunate amount of time that you did with Shawn which at this present moment pulling your hair out seemed more enjoyable. You did not realise now that soon you would be craving even more time with him than you possible would be able to comprehend. But, were going too far forward right now let’s go back to present day when you hated breathing the same air as him. The day started off just how the rest of the day was going to be, horrible! Your Mom had just informed you that later you were going over to the Mendes household for their annual BBQ, you begged and I mean you have never begged for anything more to not go. You even made up that you had a project to finish off but your Mom always knew when you were lying so you had to go. You made your way to college that day already feeling like shit, honestly could this day get any worse. You obviously spoke too soon. You made your way into college, walking straight to your classroom not even bothering to say hello to your friends who were in the canteen. You just could not handle the fact they will be bitching about some next level skank in the year above, like they did every morning. Walking into the classroom you sat down on your seat and got out your sketch book and your pencils and began to finish off last lessons sketch. This was until you were rudely interrupted by your worse enemy. “Why hello there Y/N, you are here early today are you not” Shawn said in a Melo tone.

“Nice of you to notice, but you obviously are not observant enough to realise I do not want to talk to you” you said not even bothering to look up.

“Oh please, you are going to have to speak to me tonight at the BBQ so you might as well get it over and done with now. Settle our differences.”

“I could not think of anything more of a waste of time in my life, now kindly fuck off” you just managed to slip out just before the teacher made her way into the bleak classroom. You would think that it would be bright and colourful for an art room, no its literally just black and white. How inspirational!

“Okay class this morning we are going to have a change of seating and a small project for this next few hours. I will list out some names and you will have to work with your partner and do a portrait of the other, the best ones will be able to leave early today and they will also have a day off tomorrow. So, there is a lot riding on this, okay so partners” your teacher announced before going over to a clipboard which from your seat had lists of names on obviously showing the partners. As she slowly listed off names and you and Shawn were still not in partners you began to panic, anyone but Shawn please anyone. A few more names got called out and then yours flew out her lips. “Y/N…and Shawn, you are partnered up” You just sat there in shock, not wanting to move. This cannot be real, please be another Y/N… please. As you waited no one else stood up which meant the worst. You were partner with Shawn Mendes. As you collected your stuff to go and sit next to him, all you could see was a smirk on his lips as he watched you.

He is so enjoying this, watching you suffer knowing full well that you hated the him he was enjoying this view so much. “See babe, I told you we would get the chance to speak again. Personally, I did not think it would be this soon but fate seems to do us a favour” he laughed, his lips parting for a second and then slamming shut to go back into that all familiar smirk.

“Do not flatter yourself too much Mendes, I am only using you so I can leave earlier today and have tomorrow off so please shut your face so I can focus and win this”

“I love a competitive girl, well Y/N let’s begin” You sat comfortably and began to draw Shawn, you started off with his face shape drawing his sharp jawline, sketching it like you would a knife. You then went onto his lips sketching them perfectly. Having to look at Shawn while you sketched him made you realise a few things that you did not observe earlier. When he sketches and fully concentrated, his tongue runs over his plump lips now and again. Also, you were unsure on this but when he looked at you his pupils seemed to dilate more than they did when he would look at some other girl and you began to realise how handsome this boy was.

If you had to say you were unsure where the hatred for Shawn started. Maybe it was the fact he felt he could get every girl and he had tried it on with every girl… but you. You were unsure whether this was jealousy, or something else. Being honest with yourself it made you feel unattractive, he had even tried it on with people you would rate lower than yourself. When your mind finally came back to earth you had realised you had finished your portrait and you put your pencil down on the table, taking a deep breath. That really did not go as expected. You looked over to Shawn’s sketching which he had finished a few minutes before you, you looked beautiful.

Everything was done to the exact, even the little crease you get in your forehead when you sketch, he had got everything perfect. “Wow, Shawn that’s beautiful” you admired.

“Thank you” he laughed while itching the back of his neck, a nervous habit you presumed?

“Okay class having looked around at everyone’s and the team work while you did the sketch I conclude that the winners of this project are… Y/N and Shawn. You have the rest of the day and tomorrow off use this wisely.” As soon as your teacher said this, you left.

You mind was everywhere, you could not sit there and have small talk with Shawn right now. Why did you feel this way, was your hatred for him purely jealousy that he never looked at you like he did everyone else?

Your head was going everywhere and you just wanted to get ready for the BBQ which was later, you had the urge to make yourself look the best you have before not sure why but you pushed yourself to this. The BBQ was only half an hour away and you were making your way down stairs as your Mom called up for you, you did not know how tonight was going to go. For some reason, you were excited to see Shawn.

Your Mom looked at you and her mouth opened wide. “Y/N, you look beautiful hunny”

“Thank you, Mom” you smiled at her, giving her a hug before you made your way to the car. All the way there you were apprehensive, should you act like you did at college with Shawn or should I follow up on what I felt earlier, I am just so lost. You made your way into the Mendes household and went straight upstairs to the bathroom, walking in you looked up and realised someone was just coming out the shower.

“Shit, sorry I did not mean it. I did not see anything I promise” you rambled and made your way outside the room.

“Y/N, its only me” Shawn laughed

“Oh, fuck still I am so sorry”

“It’s okay I am covered now, you can come back in” You made your way in, making sure to look everywhere but Shawn. This morning you hated the boy, now you were standing in the bathroom with him only covered with a towel.

“Shawn, I just wanted to apologise about being mean to you for so long, I know hate is such a strong word and I did not mean it. All I am trying to say is for some strange reason I got jealous and I understand if you do not like me like that like I understand, it’s just that’s the only reason I said and did what I did.” You stood there out of breath finally getting out how you felt. Shawn walked over to you, right now there was only a few inches separation between the both of you.

“Y/N I understand I felt the same when I saw you with some of the boys you spoke too, I guess I did the same thing back to you and I am sorry also” You both stood there I silence for a few minutes until Shawn spoke up, “would it be okay if I kissed you?” He asked. You nodded and the small space between you closed. It was a delicate kiss, both your mouths moved with each other until one of you introduced tongue and you both started fighting for dominance. You won obviously. As the kiss, broke Shawn said something that has stayed with you to this day.

“Hate might be a strong word, but I think love is an even stronger one.” And just like your teacher said, you did use your day off productively. With Shawn.

#shawn mendes imagines #shawn mendes smut #shawn mendes

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sweetcakeheartbreak · 7 years