#bxy journal

[nonegenderleftpain]

Transition update 12/5/21

There's something so deeply euphoric about using nice shave tools. When I first started growing a beard proper, despite knowing I would, I was distressed from a sensory perspective. Shaving was a necessary evil, with a five blade razor in the shower until I could tolerate it again.

But when I visited my dad several months ago, watching him shave was entrancing. My dad wasn't around when I was a kid, and my stepdad always used an electric razor, so watching my dad shave the way my grandpa taught him was a moment of intimacy I've never really had with my dad. He sent me home with a bar of shave soap, and it sat on my sink for six months while I tried to tackle how much I hated this beard. But I decided one day - fuck it. I wanna be like my dad. I want to have this connection with him, and my grandpa, and my great grandpa. So I picked it up and gave it a try.

It sucked. I cut myself and it was hell learning to handle a safety razor. But I've kept trying, and as I've gotten better at it... I understand why there is such a love for good shaving tools. Taking the time to sit and attend to it instead of trying to pretend it's not there and rub my skin raw has been such a soothing and satisfying experience. It's hard. I nick myself sometimes and getting proper lather on a brush is hard. But every time I put my brush to my face, I see my dad bent over the sink, moving with his military precision, and I think maybe I can learn to love it after all.

#bxy journal #transition journal #transition timeline #gender stuff #trans #transgender #transmasc #nonbinary

[wanderandbloomco]

be creative . ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ time to catch up on the #projectme19 may daily challenge by @cafeanalog17 ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ 11/31 ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ prompt: how are you feeling today?⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ saturday was a day of mixed feelings . i was still tired from the day before, as i had a full day going to the zoo and celebrating my daughter’s birthday . it was great that I could play some badminton in the morning though . feels good to be playing again after my injury in december . i am grateful for where i am . even though there is a lot i would like to do in the next year, but i am so grateful for the blessings i am living in right now .⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ .⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ .⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ .⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ #cafeanalogtalk #cafeanalog #cafeanalog17 #dailychallenge #may #challenge #becreative #papercraft #craft #journaling artjournal #bujo #creativejournal #collage #layering #flatlay #onthetable #happy #memories #instax #flowers #grateful #tired https://www.instagram.com/p/BxY-mtAJknd/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1m3qfoz92ouq5

#projectme19 #cafeanalogtalk #cafeanalog #cafeanalog17 #dailychallenge #may #challenge #becreative #papercraft #craft #journaling #bujo #creativejournal #collage #layering #flatlay #onthetable #happy #memories #instax #flowers #grateful #tired

[nonegenderleftpain]

So I don't have an intention of growing a beard, right? Like, I shave every time I shower cuz it's not a look I like on myself. But I decided I was curious what it would look like if I grew it out a bit. Just enough to see how full it is. I dealt with hirsutism long before I started t, so I figure it'll be pretty far along. And as far as I can feel, it's actually pretty thick.

But you CANNOT TELL because the face wash I use has benzoyl peroxide in it - which bleaches. I'm already blonde, but this? Is RIDICULOUS lol. So how far along is Drew's facial hair? The world may never know

#testosterone #hrt #bxy journal #trans #transmasc

[nonegenderleftpain]

Contents: genitals mention, menstruation mention, transition details

I cannot get the readmore to function on mobile, apologies.

Bxy Journal Day Who Even Knows - Three month check-in

Woo! It's been a little over three months on low-dose T, and I thought I'd catalog my changes. This journal has definitely turned into a not every day kind of thing because chronic illness sucks, but I'm going to update when I can.

Dosage: 2mg/day Androderm testosterone patch

Changes so far:

Increased facial hair growth. It's not much more than was already present due to PCOS, but it's enough that I have to shave to feel comfortable and not pick at it. I don't tolerate anything on my face, so this was the side-effect I'm least excited about - I'll be getting laser hair removal in the future so I don't scar my face. That said, to anyone else the growth would be almost unnoticeable - it's not visible (granted, I'm white) and not thick in the least. My handful of thick hairs have just expanded to a larger handful.

Voice changes! While my speaking voice hasn't much changed (I haven't been doing any vocal exercises to change it, I'm going to let that happen naturally), my singing voice has dropped several notes. Regular singing in the car, shower, and at my desk has helped maintain my upper register thus far, but those low notes are SUPER satisfying. My laugh has also deepened just a smidge. This is the most important part, for me. Pre-T, my laugh was identical to my abusive mother and I've given myself panic attacks by laughing in the past. It's starting to sound like me instead of her and I'm delighted. (Full disclosure, first time I noticed it, I cried.)

Libido. My sex drive has definitely increased a significant amount. I'm already a hypersexual person, so it came out the gate swinging. So far it hasn't posed a problem, but Partner One has an incredibly low libido so there's a solid chance it might moving forward - we'll see.

Body odor. I smell different. I'd heard this mentioned before and kind of side-eyed it, but by the gods I really do smell different. My general body odor is stronger, and my groin smells... well, it smells like dick. Seriously. It's almost identical to how Partner One's groin smells, which is WILD. I in no way expected that to happen, especially not so soon, and I didn't expect it to be so satisfying. It's taking some getting used to, but there it is.

Clitoral growth. This one I can't quite tell yet. It feels like maybe my dick has gotten bigger, but if so it's a very small amount. Unsurprising, considering the low dose and short time span. I'm chomping at the bit for more changes in this department.

Acne. This is something I was already dealing with because of the aforementioned PCOS, but it's gotten worse. If you're not prone to acne, this might be a drastic change for you. Be prepared for it. It's been especially annoying on my chest and under my breasts - no amount of acne body wash and careful cleanliness has kept it from happening. Quite annoying, but nothing new.

Menstruation. If you were expecting T to stop your periods, you need a higher dose than this. I am actually going to be talking to my doctor about getting back on progesterone because my periods are so excruciating that they flare all of my chronic pain issues and leave me bedridden for several days. Not too much more to say on that except god I did not miss periods and I'll go back on pills to stop them immediately cuz fuck. that.

Emotions. I haven't seen any of the stunted emotional range that some people talk about with T. Not sure if this is because it's bullshit man-hating rhetoric, if it's because I'm bipolar and have hyper emotions, or because of my dosage. We'll see.

Well, three month check-in complete. Go testosterone and go me!

#bxy journal #bxy #transmasc #transition journal #nonbinary hrt #nonbinary transition #agender #t #testosterone #hrt

[nonegenderleftpain]

Well, I finally started T! I've decided to keep a journal of my experiences as an agender, disabled individual here on my blog, as close to daily as possible. It will be under the tag [#bxy journal] if you'd like to mute the stream of selfies and information.

Day 1

I'm doing HRT through patches at a very low dose, for gradual changes and more control over vocal changes. I am a vocalist and will be working with an instructor biweekly to maintain my upper register. I've been in constant contact with my slew of doctors to ensure this won't worsen my chronic illness issues.

So far today, I feel tingly and jittery. I'm unsure if this is the T, a placebo effect, or riding the high of my first good day in weeks. I'm picking up a set of free weights because it's getting too cold to go to the gym without causing pain flares. I'm hoping increased muscle mass from T will make walking easier for me in the future!

#bxy journal #agender #transgender #transition #testosterone #queer #queer stuff #gender stuff #nonbinary

[nonegenderleftpain]

Bxy Journal update:

I've started having an allergic reaction to my androderm patches. I was prescribed a corticosteroid cream to use to help prevent that, but the patch will not stick to the skin after applying it. Still seeking solutions and in close contact with my endo, but definitely something to keep an eye on. My allergy isn't to the adhesive, but to the medication itself. I don't have an answer to why this suddenly started.

Also, I think I've mentioned it before, but the reduction in frequency and severity of crying has been a blessing. With my PTSD attacks and bipolar freakouts, I have a tendency to cry so hard I nearly pass out. Since starting t I've been much calmer and less prone to these episodes, and when they happen I don't have the same reaction. It's LOVELY.

#bxy journal #testosterone #transition journal #nonbinary transition #trans #nonbinary #agender #bxy #transgender #gender stuff

[nonegenderleftpain]

hey i hate to awkwardly barge into ur blog like this but i was scrolling the nonbinary tag and saw ur post abt starting t. ur the first person i’ve seen who’s both a vocalist and taking low dose t and i was wondering if u had any insights into how ur gonna maintain ur singing voice?? or how it’d be affected?? r u gonna document this on ur blog?? :0

sorry for the questions it’s just worries abt losing my singing voice (especially if i stop t before “fully” transitioning) is the only thing holding me back from low dose t rn haha. if this is too weird or u can’t answer feel free to ignore me! hope t works out well for u and u have a great day!! :^)

It's not weird at all, that's why I posted it on here! I am DEFINITELY gonna document the process on my blog, to answer the easiest question. I have my first voice lesson tomorrow over Zoom with my choir director and I'll be sharing her insights as they come, as well as any issues/effects T has on my voice.

My biggest tactic moving forward is to sing through the voice changes. During puberty, a lot of cis men who were previously vocalists stop singing because they are embarrassed with voice cracks and squeaks. This same cracking and squeaky happens during T puberty as well. Continuing to sing during the transition of your voice even through discomfort (not pain, if it hurts you should not be doing it!) and cracking will help maintain your upper register.

I'm a first soprano who has always sang higher than everyone around me. I may lose some of my egregiously high notes, but I hope through diligence I'll be able to keep them. And it's not unheard of to do so! Vocalist Dimash Kudaibergen is a trans man who absolutely kills those soprano notes.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PzO6wxtCCfs

Losing my singing voice was the biggest barrier to starting medical transition for me, so I completely understand the fear of losing it. And I still might! But I'm gonna fight tooth and nail and work hard with weekly lessons to keep it going.

I don't know if you know, but the reason voice changes happen is that the presence of testosterone in the body thickens the vocal chords and cartilage in the larynx. When you sing, stretching your vocal chords tight is what produces higher pitch. By continuing to stretch the muscle of your vocal chords as they thicken, you train them just like any other muscle. It's part of the reason why cis men can sing falsetto, where cis women have a much more solid stopping point to their lower register - you can only relax those muscles so far before the only way to achieve a lower voice is through thickening the muscles.

If you have more questions or want to talk about this more, I'm more than happy to! The main reason I'm writing about it is because I haven't seen anyone else share this experience, and I want more people to have a detailed look at what medical transition can look like as a nonbinary person. I hope it helps!

#the ask and the answer but not the book #crptdkssr #nonbinary #queer stuff #gender stuff #testosterone #singing #agender #transition #bxy journal

[nonegenderleftpain]

Bxy Journal - Day 10 & 11

11/7/2020 Waking up to learn Trump has lost was the best possible thing to happen. I am celebrating by getting drunk and drawing gay fanart. I even created a playlist!

I feel better today than I have in ages. The headaches may well have been entirely stress cuz I am doing really well, pain-wise. Not much else to say. Trump is gone and now we can start fighting a new fight - holding Biden accountable. This is gonna be hard as fuck. The battle is far from over. Support BIPOC, queer folks and women who need it. Be critical. Keep pushing. Celebrate the horse leaving the hospital but remember that we still have a hospital to demolish and rebuild.

#bxy journal #politics #agender #nonbinary #election 2020 #nonbinary hrt #nonbinary transition #transgender

[nonegenderleftpain]

Bxy Journal - Day 8 & 9

Featuring picture taken by Partner One while I was attempting to hold a conversation about my joint pain lol

Yesterday was a rough day but my memory is a little shot so I can't even really remember why. I know that I had some sort of weird irritable episode regarding the bind-off row of a piece I'm knitting not matching the math I did and running out of yarn, and spent most of the day hyperfocused on finishing it only to realize I need to buy a whole new hank for proper yardage. A tragedy, really.

I continue to struggle with the adhesive on my Androderm patches. I'm fat and short so there aren't a lot of places on my body that stay still when I move, which leads to the patch popping off. I'm still trying to find appropriate places to put them.

Had therapy with my general therapist for the first time in weeks and spent the whole hour just getting her up to speed about appointments and other things. I made sure to mention the mood instability so I remember to track it. I really should find my mood journal and start using it again - especially if my hormonal base will be changing.

I've decided to reach out to the folks in my apartment complex to set up a knitting circle and knit hats and scarves for the local homeless for winter. I will radicalize these folks if it's the last thing I do.

#bxy journal #nonbinary hrt #nonbinary transition #hrt #testosterone #knitting #transgender #transition #agender #bxy #chronic pain #chronic illness

[nonegenderleftpain]

Tw genital mention

Catch me staring at the WPATH hrt timeline chart going WHERE'S MY DICK and tapping my watch like an angry coach whose kids are late for practice

#gender stuff #bxy journal #trans #nonbinary #transmasc #hrt #transgender

[nonegenderleftpain]

Bxy Journal - Day 4

10/31/2020 Nothing really to report except fatigue. Waiting in long-ass lines to vote will do that to you. But I have received my sticker of Democratic Process and will display it proudly.

[ID: a sign reading "This line brought to you by Governor Eric Holcomb who would not allow no-excuse absentee voting... During a pandemic. Let him know what you think 317-232-4567

End ID]

And fuck Gov. Holcomb, I hope his ass gets voted the fuck out. If I get covid cuz I had to expose myself to exercise my rights, I'm gonna fucking sue. Not to mention this polling place wasn't exactly accessible - it was humiliating trying to balance on my feet while Partner One wrestled my wheelchair onto the curb. All this could have been avoided with no-excuse absentee voting.

Also, my biggest complaint so far with the T patch is that the adhesive is trash. I get you want it to be easy to remove but if I can't move my leg without the damn thing coming up, it's not useful. Come on, androderm.

#bxy journal #queer #agender #nonbinary hrt #nonbinary transition #nonbinary #hrt #testosterone #transgender #politics #crip the vote #vote blue #votetrumpout #go vote #vote2020

[nonegenderleftpain]

Bxy Journal - Day 6 & 7

Yesterday was so rough I didn't have the spoons to post. Recovering from family visits is always a toss-up on how bad I'm gonna hurt the next day, and the answer this time was "A Lot." Accompanied by god-awful cramping, I was in bed the whole day.

Today was a grocery day, and I learned that avoiding the surround-sound that is the checkout prevents a lot of my brain fog, so I'm doing shockingly well even after putting groceries away. My lower back is furious, but I'm lucid and mostly clear.

I've been anxious since 3am when I realized it was election day and I am doing everything in my power not to check the polls. This ice-bath of anxiety is worse than I've felt since I was living at home, and it just won't go away. I know I'm not alone - Partner Two has also been pointedly ignoring the news. At least ze's cis-passing, so I don't have to worry so much about zir safety but I'm still worried about zir health. All of our health. This sucks.

Following the dietician's advice on eating smaller meals more often to try and fix some of the stomach problems so I'm having salmon/cream cheese roll ups and crackers for dinner. Let's see how this works.

One week anniversary on T, and we're determining the fate of the country. Fun. Stay safe out there.

#nonbinary hrt #nonbinary transition #nonbinary #bxy journal #transgender #transition #hrt #testosterone #politics #2020 #spoonie

[nonegenderleftpain]

Bxy Journal - Month 1 T-versary

Well it's been a hot minute (turns out daily updates when you're disabled can be a bit hard to maintain) but I'm checking in to give one month updates.

Now keep in mind I'm on a very low dose (2mg/day patch) so ymmv, but my findings one month in:

Androderm is lying - you cannot shower or swim in these patches, they WILL come off. I mostly use my boxers to keep them adhered to my thighs because I'm too short and fat to have any other space to put them. Plan around this - if you shower in the morning, take yesterday's patch off, shower, then put the new one on.

My voice appears to be dropping. It's not a huge change, but as I sing I notice that low notes that used to hurt feel normal. I am not going to be doing vocal therapy to change feminine tones/inflections in my voice, so it will likely only be noticeable when I sing or laugh, which was the goal. If I get my voice where I want it, I'll hopefully confuse people when I talk, which is gender goals for me.

My libido? Through the roof. I've not seen any genital growth or changes there but I am horny all. the. time. I'm lucky to have a partner who indulges me and a box of toys, but if you don't have something to take the edge off I truly wish you godspeed.

I'm not feeling increased aggression that I've heard some people report. My moods were a bit uncontrollable at first, but with a change in my bipolar meds and a month to let it chill out, I seem to be back to my normal mood baseline. A mini manic episode in there last week, but other than that I feel fine.

Acne hasn't... worsened? But it's there, same as always. Adult acne runs in my family so I dunno how bad it would have to get before I even noticed. There's been no change in body or facial hair (yay me, I'm not looking forward to the hair removal) but I'm expecting it eventually.

I started getting headaches for a bit. I still don't know if this is disability related or T related, so something to watch out for.

All in all, on the one-month mark I feel okay. I've been pretty sick, but nothing that could be attributed to the T. I'm extremely excited to see how this turns out and now that I'm actually doing it, the sense of euphoria hasn't left, even with no visible changes yet. And I'm super excited to grow a dick. I didn't think it was something that I really wanted? I was neutral about it compared to other things. But now I'm chomping at the bit for it.

So far, A+ experience, and I may see about boosting my dose up a little when I see my endo next month.

#bxy journal #bxy #agender #nonbinary #nb #enby #nonbinary hrt #nonbinary transition #nonbinary lesbian #hrt #trans #transition #transgender

[nonegenderleftpain]

Bxy Journal - Day 5

11/1/2020 Today was Partner One's birthday. Dealing with family is draining no matter how much I love them and being deadnamed and called by the wrong pronouns all evening while being expected to maintain constant conversation was too much. Drained, stressed, tired and in pain. Had a muscle seize in my temple, and -John Mulaney voice- I didn't know it could DO that.

Cramping has continued, seeing some bleeding. Bad time all around.

#bxy journal #nonbinary hrt #nonbinary transition #nonbinary #agender #transition #transgender #hrt #testosterone