#by leaving. not to sound guilt trippy. i should just do it. i have to

[whocaresanymoreamiright]

i wanted to make a short post bc my grandma said something to me which was not rly what i expected idk but yeah now it's a long long vent i had been writing for more than an hour enjoy

also i asked my grandma to take me and my friends to the train station by car bc my friends needed a ride there and i did have spare bus tickets to there but i didn't want to make them walk and ride the bus in the rain whoch would've taken like 3 times longer than by car, so i asked my grandma and she took us there but on our way back she was like "yeah.. needs to learn how to drive" i was like "who needs to learn how to drive?" and she was like you. and i'm like no way. bc i don't want to drive it's expensive to learn and to do and in the city where i usually am (so not where she gave us the ride) there's such good puclic transport it's rly quicker than by car, also i don't have the time to learn this rn and it's stressful and i just. don't want it. and it's valid and there's nothing wrong with that.

but then i realised she said it bc i asked for a ride. bc she was cutting her hair at the time i called her (an hour before we wanted to leave) and yeah it's probably rly inconvenient for her. but like she told me the day before that she helps with whatever we need especially if we need a ride to somewhere so like :( wtf. also like what is this leaving-the-subject-of-the-sentence-out-to-make-it-sound-less-guilt-trippy bitch ass method like?? give me a break from it. like say it to my face. that you don't want to or can't take us to the station. we could've gone by bus, we still had time for that too. wtf.

idk why i am so mad. i just feel like i was scolded. and i'm sorry i am sorry i didn't mean to ask for things that are too much to ask for i thought this was okay. also i didn't want to make my friends go by bus, they had to travel a lot the day before and on this day too :( like my party was so lame i know and i just didn't want to make it even worse by making them travel by that shitty bus one more time. idl they will probably never visit me again bc this was boring and lame.

we went to sleep at 1 am :( which is fucking early. like at other parties we don't even sleep at all. so sad. i was so anxious. idk i just felt bad and lame and it was awful maybe bc i haven't rly been taking my meds and i just felt so bad there was also sth i wanted to ask but the conversation just didn't go that direction by itself and i didn't want to bring it up since i wasn't rly talking at all and it would've sounded like i only invited her to ask her this shit. it's not important though. just something stupid i was curious about idk. i'm such an inconvenience honestly, i feel sorry for my friends. i wish it was different.

also i got fucking fat i am not even beautiful anymore i loom awful and ruin the pictures and everything. it's bad. i should diet or idk like it makes everything sm harder i have to plan everything and i can't eat homecooked stuff unless i cook it bc othervise how tf could i count the calories and i can't eat what people give me to eat i can't go out and enjoy the time without being like fuck it it's a binge now and then eating everything and then continuing it for a week and more bc one slip up and it's over i've ruined 3 week's progress and got to a point worse than when i started, i'm the heaviest i've been in years. and i think i'm still depressed, but yes i don't have the pills anymore, right this is what every other one of my posts is about. awful.

this is why alcohol. and this is why food too, yeah. it's sad. idk how to get happier. i feel like my biggest problem is definitely the food though. i haven't been able to eat normally for a week for almost 3 years and now i am confused and clueless. i don't know how to recover.

but i still go running in the mornings, my stomach hurts in the meantime from all the food i had consumed the day before, but i run. and it's good, i've been getting slower unfortunstely but it's still an acceptable pace.

i wish everything was easier. i know that it's the summer vacation rn. i'm sorry for not being able to function.

every time i drink alcohol or coffee or when i got my tatto or when i eat unhealthy snacks or too much, i wonder if he'd be disappointed in me or think that i'm a lazy gluttonous unpure and stupidly rebellious stupid person who does bad things on purpose. it's the saddest thing. i haven't even seen him in such a long time, he probably doesn't even care. i wish he didn't bc i'd hate to disappoint him. please don't care about me please don't form opinions about me. i am so sorry for being like this. idk how to change.

and i feel so awful about it like i should just get up and change myself, my behaviour. but it's such a big project and hard work and everything and i don't even feel like starting it bc i used to have high hopes and trying to recover working harder than ever even while i was denied all bodily autonomy and even while my father was saying the most cruel harmful evil things to me every day, and itried my best, believed in it, and i didn't succeed. progress slowed down then stopped, things got less and less ideal, and then worse, and worse and worse, and now i am here. this is the 2nd time btw. okay, the first time i didn't believe it wholeheartedly but still tried my best. but the second time was different bc then i rly did believe in recovering fully, becoming a happy person. now here i am. fat and miserable, still having an eating disorder. and i have no help now, but i don't know if i want any since last time the "help" was more traumatic than the disorder itself. so i do not want to go through that again. but idk what to do. idk how to pick myself up. i get so anxious and depressed and these mood swings and it's bad and i haven't felt satisfied after a meal in almost 3 years and idk what to do about it. like i could fight it yeah, with chewing gum and sugar free sodas but they probably can only help for so long, and i don't feel strong enough to do this while dealing with everything else. i want meds, i need something.

alcohol though. feel like eating more? get some pálinka. actually i've never tried it before lol, but that's not the point. drink something and feel better. you don't need more food sweetheart. get a drink. cheap antidepressant ig.

and not to romanticise this very serious condition but like.. that's something you can hide more easily. probably comes with more stigma when they eventually do find out but at least you get some help. and sympathy or something. because people know that that is a problem and they feel sorry. but ig i don't actually need people tk feel sorry for me, and i probably don't want help either bc i am afraid, like so fucking scared for life bc of my experiences from last year and the year before (but mostly last year). just no, i don't want anything like that ever again.

but i don't want to gain more weight it's awful how fat i am and i also don't want to think about what and how much i am eating all the time i literally have no idea how much would be ideal i don't want to think about it every meal bc then what is the point like then i can just fucking do a restrictive diet and at least feel pretty too while being miserable not just being miserable for nothing. like losing weight doesn't require a lot more effort than just maintaining, so i might as well lose yk. or i gain. maintaining os effort without reward and i am not strong enough to do that rn.

or maybe i should idk. the reward is ✨️happiness✨️ lmao. idk if i can recover. being an alcoholic doesn't sound fun either. it's sad. at least i'd feel more valid. or i should smoke or something. but that's probably more unhealthy than alcohol? idk but definitely less convenient, sou can't do that everywhere. but you can drink alcohol almost anywhere. from your pretty pink and silver bottle you got for very cheap actually. it looks like you'd put some fucking protein shake or smoothies or some shit like that in it. but no, in mine there's vodka. um. idk lol whatever. currently there's vine in it though.

honestly now i feel like trying this. i am sorry. this sounds better than this binging misery. so. yeah. idk. i'll probably try it.

[enigmaincrimson-personal]

When it comes to a certain RP server...

There were too many people trying to write at the same time, so all responses were either buried and forgotten or so thrown out of context that I could see someone could find it coming off as being rude and godmoddy.

The venting room is for venting and considering nobody else was using it at the time while I was having a complete and utter meltdown... While flooding it wasn't intentional and neither as coming off as vague and guilt trippy. Effectively screaming bloody murder in text for hours on end tends to come out that way.

People seem to like pulling the same shit as "Let's not check my messages for five months and then get upset because only one person had sent me anything when I get back." many times and I don't like naming names as well as terrible at remembering them that there's not really a point in doing so at that point.

I was trying to talk to the moderators and the server owner about the rootbound rooms issue and was trying to offer some solutions, but they didn't seem interested in resolving it.

Someone had leaked what was in the venting room onto Tumblr and my blog and Discord was being bombarded with nasty messages and got me banned from the server before I could recover enough to figure out what was going on.

I did in fact try to apologize to the people that I did inadvertently offend, but neither that or the fact I did try to offer to quietly leave isn't being shown in the "Evidence" being passed about.

Also, I did in fact try to make text starters multiple times, but they totally ignored them and refused to discuss anything... while discarding all the work in writing any form of notes or attempts to plot out a proper starter.

In fact, it's really hard to do much of anything when the other party is constantly complaining how you aren't trimming things to your liking (literally down to one paragraph without any context at all) and somehow the stock (and unaltered) mobile Tumblr theme is crashing their phone.

What I will say is that those people tend to come at me like rabid dogs frothing at the mouth over something as petty as a color they didn't like on a blog theme I used seven years ago and making it sound like I do horrible things like eat babies with barbecue sauce to everyone they meet.

I mean... I could see some people on here doing that, but that's just gross... and you can't exactly reason with crazy angry people, and I'd keep going on about everything else, but it's not like anything I say matters... all the "evidence" says that I'm an unredeemable pile of crap and there's nothing I can do to prove otherwise.

Seriously though... in all this time, has any one of these people actually tried talking things over like a calm, sane person?

This isn't just about me by the way... I'm not the only person people get yelled at by crazy people demanding that you serve them moon sparkles and stardust jelly while insisting that your entire existence is ruining their life and you should just throw yourself off the nearest tall building and how much better their life would be if you were dead and gone.

My entire life is full of toxic crap like this... to the point that if I could list the things I do remember, you'd probably think of me as more insane than I already am.

What I will say that the phrase of "Blame the rock for breaking the church window" is pretty much a summary of my life and not an experience I'd wish on anyone... and it tends to lead to major trust issues.

I'm sorry for coming off as overeager and clingy at times, but there's not many people around that are willing to treat me like a real person.

#enigmaincrimson #ooc

[polyamorouspunk]

How does one go about telling their partner that they don't feel special enough to them without making it sound like none of their efforts were noticed.

I know he's trying, but it feels like I'm trying leagues more to be perfect for him, or at the very least good enough.

But it doesn't feel like he's giving the same effort, it feels like he's just taking what he can get from me, and assumes things about my mental state of mind.

Guh

1. Don’t wait for a “good time” to bring this up

A lot of times depending on the kind of person you’re talking to you can either

1. Have a conversation that spans over a few days because of sporadic texting so you don’t want to change the subject because you’re already in the middle of a conversation but it’s taking days

2. Have someone who texts often but changes the subject here and there because you do talk so frequently and you feel like you don’t get a chance to start a topic of conversation yourself because of this

Make sure you take the time to say “hey we need to talk” if that’s something that won’t stress the other person out or if it is be like “do you mind if I say something?” Or something along those lines.

2. Be gentle about what you’re saying without minimizing your feelings, but be direct

Be gentle about what you’re saying. Try not to get angry emotional. There’s a good chance you might get sad emotional, but try your best to come across as even-keeled. Don’t minimize your feelings. It’s easy to say “it’s not a big deal” and “I’m sure it’s just me”. Your feelings are valid. Try to be short and concise about how you feel while hitting as many points as you can. If you feel it’s needed, add specific examples to relate to your points. In fact, this might be a very good idea as it can help the other person see exactly what you mean.

3. If this isn’t taken well, you should probably check out

If you’ve started off being gentle and not guilt-trippy or angry, there is no reason for them to get mad at you, so if they do, this is a huge red flag. There’s a good chance they’ll probably apologize while also giving excuses. Weigh the apology against the excuses. Which one has more effort put into it? If they say they’re going to change, do you really believe them? Have you brought this up before, and if so, how many times?

*-*-*-*-*

A lot of people, myself included, feel like they haven’t been appreciated enough by their partner. My ex dumped me because he got tired of feeling like I was seeing other people without talking to him about it first and that I had hurt him one too many times and he needed to let go. I just took a step back from someone I was seeing because while they said we weren’t together they acted like we were and then turned around and shut me out while doing things that directly hurt me. I have someone I talk to every day who I’ve been talking to for months now who started seeing someone and when they developed feelings for this person that person shut down the fwb thing they had going on. I just started talking to someone daily who feels unappreciated by his boyfriend and feels like his boyfriend is paying more attention to their other partner instead of him. You are not alone.

Normally I’m not one to give advice of “if you feel unwanted by someone you should leave them” because I’ve never been good at that and I don’t believe in giving I wouldn’t take, but after just distancing myself from someone who really wasn’t appreciating me enough and then straight-up telling them that I need space from them because they’ve hurt me I feel… good. I’ve always been one who will come crawling back at any cost I feel like and putting my foot down and finally saying “no, as much as I want to be with you, if you can’t treat me right, it’s a no” feels very, very good. It feels better than crawling back and hoping they’ll love me like I deserve. And I’m willing to give them a second chance- but it is NOT going to be right now and it’s going to be VERY conditional.

Different people have different needs and different levels of needs. I’m a very needy person. I need attention, I need to be shown affection, I need to be openly and honestly loved. The person I was seeing doesn’t need that right now, and maybe not ever. Objectively we are not a good match because they’re not affectionate or lovey and I’m the kind of person who craves that. In person, however, they are.

People reflect what they want. If you’re someone who craves love and affection you’re going to naturally give that in hopes someone will return it. If someone doesn’t really want or need that there’s a chance they’re not going to exude that.

You don’t have to cut someone out of your life forever. In fact, none of the people I mentioned above are doing that. Everyone just decided people were better off as friends instead of romantic partners.

Don’t let people assume things about your mental state. That’s a huge red flag. People should ask about how you’re feeling, not assume. One thing I love about the person I was just seeing is that they always asked me about things. I talked about having bpd and all say something like “I’m having an episode” and he’ll ask what that’s like for me. And I’ll say “I feel everything too much, and when I say I’m having an episode what I mean is I can feel myself wanting to lash out or shut down and being upset over something that probably seems trivial to the outside person looking in but in my head I can very clearly connect the dots of why I’m upset.” My ex and I regularly checked in with each other to see how we were feeling, asking at least once a day “how are you?” And knowing what the different levels of “great”, “good”, “okay”, “alright”, “fine”, “not great”, “not well at all”, and “terrible” meant. That was a gauge we had to see how much attention the other person needed. We also asked every once in a while if there was anything that needed to be discussed between the two of us to maintain our relationship. As natural as some relationships might feel they still need work and upkeep. If you feel like you never need to discuss things with your partner because they’re just perfectly intuitive to how you feel all the time and things are just perfect and you never need relationship maintenance… I don’t trust that. Life isn’t a fairytale. That being said, relationships can still be great and even perfect- they just take work. And if someone isn’t working as much as you and you’re feeling the effects you should say something. And I’m glad you are.

#when I get home I’m going to adjust this to a ‘read more’ but I can’t right now #but I want to separate the two halves of the ask #punk gets mail #the punk gives good advice #relationship advice

[the-dreadful-canine]

Thank you @noire-pandora @oxygenforthewicked @emerald-amidst-gold tagging me *puts a sunflower crown on your heads* 🌻💖

Elizabeth tries to pspspsps a dog, and he's not amused.

...As if summoned by my wishful thinking, the dog materializes out of thin air and I trip over the creature, yelping and falling ungracefully on the ground. I twist around, hand flying to my chest in an attempt to calm down the heart bucking between my ribs while I access the dog's condition. It doesn’t look mangled, and still got its limbs all present and accounted for.

Thank the gods. Guilt lifts off and away from my shoulders like dust scattering in the wind. I’d never forgive myself for hurting a dog. Perhaps death was on vacation, or not even the Reaper itself wanted anything to do with this middle of nowhere desert the both of us were stranded at. Trying to look as small and non-threatening as possible, I crouch and reach out my palm, making kissy noises and pspspsps-ing to convince the pupper to approach me.

“Hey buddy, you scared the hell out of me! Sorry for tripping over you, human eyes are kind of useless and you’re as black as the shadows and-” I stop talking when it swiftly turns around to face me. No teeth is showing, but a low growl rumbles on its chest. Oh boy... An aggressive dog is as bad as any predator. “Easy, easy…!” I whimper as it gets up “We are both stuck here in this wasteland, it would do us no good to fight we can be friends an- WHAT THE FU-” the pain from my tailbone hitting the ground cuts my cursing short, and I hastily crabwalk away from the thing.

The sting of sharp rocks on my palms does nothing to ease the feeling of getting shocked where the dark fur came in contact with my skin. Fear washes over me while the creature stalks towards my quickly retreating form. I run out of space when my back hits a solid wall, and I bite my lip to hold back my terrified tears, reaching around blindly for something to protect myself from the incoming attack.

My hands close around something right before it reaches me, and I swing my fist with all my might, intent on hitting it on the muzzle… Except my hand goes right trough as if it was made out of smoke, and I watch with no small dose of horror as frost climbs up the skin that went trough its body.

Oh hell no.

It snarls indignantly at the assault, the sound reverberating down to my bones and making me look up from the frost over skin to its face. The creature lunges at me and the snapping of sharp teeth a hair away from my face is terribly loud, but I can’t find it in myself to flinch. I'm too mesmerized by the way its glowing red eyes leave a red trail behind, as if I was watching a long exposure video, or a very trippy hallucination. No living thing should have eyes like this... Huh... Just my luck that I’m dealing with something that shouldn’t exist. So fucking much for a nice vacation!

The beast doesn’t step away at my apparent defiance, the face so close to mine that each of its breathes sends puffs of freezing cold air over my cheeks and neck, leaving patches of frost on their wake.

Too terrified to twitch a single muscl I unwillingly stare it down, waiting for my gruesome end at its jaws. An eternity seems to pass before it decides I’m not worth the trouble and steps back -but still standing too close for comfort-, and a shaky breath leaves my lips when whatever spell I was under recedes, finally allowing me to look away...

BONUS:

Elizabeth' tarot card WIP that I decided to pick up again! Her card is "The Strength" (but at the start of the fic, it's upside down because life in Thedas is hard and terrifying.)

*I regret nothing about giving her these shiny scars*

#wip wednesday #survival tip 1: dont pspspsps fen'harel #survival tip 2: dont hit fen'harel with a rock #mgit #oc: elizabeth montes #fenharel #fen'harel #modern girl in thedas #dragon age inquisition #solas #but not quite him #dragon age fanfiction #fic: stormbringer #long post #long post tw #my art #my wips

[narrators-journal]

Unlearning

Hi! I’m sorry for vanishing, I went to hang out for a friend’s birthday, but I return with Killua content!

Sorry if it’s shoddy, I didn’t really have more than a vague plan when I started it, just wanted to explore the idea of Killua having to unlearn all of the bad shit his family had normalized in him, so I hope it’s at minimum enjoyable!

You were something of a traveling worker, so you thought you were experienced with hiking, driving, boating, just about any mode of transportation in all of your months and maybe years of getting yourself to new clients, but you'd learned the hard way that no. No you were not. However, there was a bright side to your failed attempt to take a short cut through the woods, you ended up meeting quite the cast of characters.

In total, there were four. First, a tall, lean man named Leorio who was a bit of a whiner at times but otherwise pretty creative with solutions to issues and pretty level-headed when it was really needed. Second, a shorter blonde named Kurapika who seemed to be the sensible one in the group, something of an older sibling to the last two, and the source of most of the non-sketchy or non-chaotic ideas. Finally, there were the last two, Killua and Gon, the youngest of the group and by far the most inspired when it came to plans, but they weren't always the most thought through. Together, these odd friends were really good at helping you get through the forest, but also quite the sight to behold at times.

Man, this trip is gonna be one to remember You thought on the third night of your walk as you helped Kurapika do the dishes in a small stream near your campsite, half listening to Killua and Gon argue nearby while Gon was finding rocks or something in the chilly stream water. You were drawn out of the thoughts when you overheard Killua say something that didn't sit right with you,            "Oh, so the years of physical and emotional abuse I've gone through aren't good enough experience for this?" That set your teeth on edge.            "Hey Kurapika, I'm gonna go see what's going on over there," you explained, putting the plastic plate you'd been scrubbing to the side while the blonde nodded and let you get up. So, you headed over to the shouting and arguing boys, "Hey you two, what're you fighting about?" You asked nonchalantly, making the two boys look at you like deer in headlights.             "Huh? Oh yeah, we're just talking about an...acquaintance," Killua hummed, his anger instantly dropped and his hands shoved back into his short pockets while Gon nodded,          "You sure? You seemed pretty heated,"         "Oh nah, it's fine!" Gon chirped, "Killua's just helping me learn to problem solve," he explained, and after a moment of looking between them, taking in their more relaxed expressions, finding no signs of rage or hostility on either of them, you nodded         "Okay, just wanted to make sure," you hummed, turning to walk back to Kurapika and help with the dishes again, leaving the boys to continue to argue or whatever they decided to do while your stomach was left to thaw. Later that night, you were sitting around the fire with Killua and Leorio, who'd dozed off on the forest floor instead of in his sleeping bag. It was quiet, only marred by the occasional snores of the older, dark-haired male, the crackling of the campfire, and the chirping of bugs while you sat and pondered over the earlier incident while Killua simply poked at the burning wood with a stick. Is it really my place to chide Killua on this topic? You asked yourself, I'm not exactly a professional, and this is DEFINITELY something a therapist should handle, but... You pursed your lips, glancing over at the young boy, he should probably know of the bad habit so he can work on it, right? Whether or not I'm overreacting it could grow into manipulation, so I should at least tell him about that. The thought made your stomach squirm, but you decided that you should gently point out your concerns. So, with a deep breath, you got up and moved closer to Killua while he was jabbing at the warm flames,           "Hey Killua?" You hummed nonchalantly, despite your anxiety of being out of line, and making the kid hum in acknowledgement,           "Listen, I know you don't know me well, but e-earlier I heard you bring up some abuse you've gone through-" He cut you off with a groan and a roll of his blue eyes,           "Are you gonna try to check on me? I'm fine, I don't need therapy and I'm not 'damaged' or anything." he huffed, getting that prickly air he commonly got whenever he didn't want to talk about something or was embarrassed, but you just shook your head and flicked a bit of (h/l), (h/c) hair out of your face if needed,            "No, I'm not going to pry into you or anything, I just...wanted to warn you of a habit I heard." you explained, getting eyed in response, so you just continued, "you see, the way you brought up what happened to you came off as somewhat guilt-trippy, and I just wanted to come and say that maybe you shouldn't phrase it like that. You might not mean to sound like you're pulling a pity card, but others can see it that way and begin to avoid you because of it," As you spoke, Killua's eyes turned from narrowed, guarded, and curious, to slightly confused. For a moment, the two of you just sat there awkwardly, your thoughts spinning in a panicked flurry of oh my god, did I overstep?! I don't know this kid that well, I should've kept my mouth shut! and Oh god, I don't want to have to explain this in-depth to a kid. but, Killua's voice suddenly yanked you free of that storm,          "Do...do I really come off like that?" His voice was uncharacteristically quiet, full of terror and shame, which sent a knife right through your heart as you nodded.           "I'm sorry to say that you do, and I just wanted to point it out to you so that you could work on unlearning it, I guess." you explained, fighting the urge to hug the scared looking twelve year old, he might bite you if you did. There was another, longer stretch of silence between you two, leaving you to listen to the quiet chirping of crickets and the popping and crackling of the flames in front of you until he spoke again,               "I know all of the ways to manipulate people, but...could you re-explain them? J-just so I know how to avoid them in my own conversations," he asked, looking back at the fire as he spoke to try and hide how vulnerable he must've felt. This poor kid, you thought with a sigh, but nodded nonetheless. After that, you spent a while explaining all of the ways you knew that someone could guilt trip, gaslight, or turn a conversation around. It wasn't much, but you did your best to give examples and ignore the look of growing distress in Killua's sapphire eyes as you spoke. In the end, Killua stood up, taking a deep breath and shoving his hands into his pockets again as he thanked you,          "I'm sorry if I ever did something like that to you," he muttered, but you were quick to shake your head,          "It's fine, really. You're young, you've apparently had an awful life, no one can hold your bad habits against you." you assured, but it didn't seem to be too comforting as he walked off into the trees. But, you'd done your best, and you'd told him what you needed to, so you just decided to go to bed and leave him be for the rest of the night.

#hxh #killua #hunter x hunter #killua zoldyck #scenario #unlearning #manipulation #bad habits

[queen-of-deans-booty]

Dark Side of the Moon: Part Two

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Word Count: 2,033

Warnings: typical supernatural violence, language, angst, blood, you know the usual

Author’s Note: I do not own anything from Supernatural. All credit goes to their respective owners. Any and all comments on these are appreciated. I really want to hear what you guys think about this one!

Feedback is the glue that holds my writing together.

Tags at the bottom

“Hide!” you hissed, ducking underneath the window where the searchlight is.

Sam rushed over to you in a panic and stood beside it while Dean ducked behind the couch. The glass in a picture on the mantle breaks, but the family continued to eat. The searchlight streams through the window right above your head, and Dean dropped down lower so he wouldn’t be detected. More furniture falls over as more glass breaks. The searchlight stayed for a few more seconds before disappearing. The lights come on in the house, and everything goes back to the way it was before this happened.

“What the hell was that?” Sam asked when everyone came out of hiding.

“I don’t know, but we are taking the escalator back downstairs,” Dean declared. He noticed a radio on the mantle, and he went over to it since it’s what Castiel decided to use in order to talk to you. He hit the top of the radio with force, yelling out the angel’s name. “Cas!”

“What are you doing?” Sam asked.

“What’s it look like?”

“Like you’ve lost your mind.”

“Cas talked to me before using this phone-home radio thing, so I— Cas!”

“I can hear you,” the angel said, flickering to life on TV.

His whole face was on screen, and you backed up to look at him. The picture is rolled and is filled with static. His voice fades in and out and is sometimes being distorted. Whatever connection he has isn’t good.

“Cas. Hey! So I, uh, I found Sam and Y/N but something just happened. There was this weird beam of light,” Dean was the first to speak.

“Don’t go into the light.”

“Okay. Thanks, Carol Ann. What was it?”

“Not what, whom. Zachariah. He’s searching for you.”

“What if he finds us?” you asked.

“You can’t say yes to Michael, Lucifer, and Amara if you’re dead, so Zachariah needs to return you to your bodies.”

“Great! Problem solved!” Sam exclaimed.

“No, you don’t understand. You’re behind the Wall. This is a rare opportunity.”

“For what?”

“You need to find an angel. His name is Joshua. “

“Hey, man, no offense but we are kind of ass full of angels, okay. You find him,” Dean scoffed.

“I can’t. I can’t return to Heaven.”

“What’s so important about Joshua?” you asked.

“The rumor is, he talks to God.”

“Yeah, so?” Dean shrugged.

“You think maybe—just maybe—we should find out what the hell God has been saying?”

“Jeez. Touchy.”

“Please. I just need you to follow the road.”

“What road?” Sam asked.

“It’s called the Axis Mundi. It’s a path that runs through Heaven. Different people see it as different things. For you, it’s two-lane asphalt. The road will lead you to the Garden. You’ll find Joshua there. And Joshua… can take us to God,” the picture on TV starts to break up badly which meant the connection was fading fast. “The Garden. Quick. Hurry.”

“So... What do you think?” Sam asked when the TV suddenly died.

“I think we hit the yellow bricks and find this Joshua cat.”

“Really?” Sam asked surprisingly.

“What? You don’t?” you wondered.

“No, uh. I’m just surprised you do. Last time I checked you wanted to break God’s nose, now you think he can help?”

“He’s the only one who can. I mean, come on, Sam. We are royally boned. So prayer? The last hope of a desperate man,” Dean shrugged.

“It’s either kill or be killed at this point, and we’re kind of already dead,” you pointed out.

The family was still eating the same fucking plate of food, so you three started to leave the house. However, when you opened the door, there was nothing but trees surrounding the house. Nothing but trees to replace the road that was supposed to be there.

“Wasn’t there a street out here?” Sam asked.

“There was.”

“We have to find a road somewhere,” you shrugged, going back inside the house.

As soon as you did, you began trying to look for it. Dean began to do the same kind of thing, but Sam watched with a confused eye.

“You,” Dean opens the closet door underneath the stairs, “you think the road is in a closet?”

“We’re in Heaven, Sam, okay?” he turned on the light. “I mean, our memories are coming true. Cas is on TV. Finding a road in a closet would be pretty much the most normal thing to happen to us today.”

You and Dean looked down to see the same exact thing on the floor. It was a small Hot Wheels set that Dean used to have when he was a kid. He bends down and picks up the small blue car to inspect it.

“What is it?” Sam asked.

“I used to have one of these when I was a kid,” he muttered, placing the car on the track and flung it in motion.

Your surroundings immediately began to change, and you three were suddenly in a child’s bedroom. More than just the scenery has changed because Dean’s clothing had changed into a t-shirt that reads “I wuv hugs”, a flannel button up, and sneakers with one shoe untied. Both you and Sam were in your normal hunting clothes.

“That was the road?” Sam asked.

“I guess.”

“Where the hell are we?” you asked.

“Kind of trippy, right?” Dean chuckled.

“Yeah,” Sam peeks at his brother’s shirt. “More trippy. Um, apparently, you ‘wuv hugs’.”

“Shut up,” he grumbled, covering his shirt with the flannel button-up. Sam laughed at his brother’s discomfort until he began to recognize the room you three were in. “Wait a minute. I know where we are.”

“Where?”

“We’re home,” he whispered.

“Dean!”

Mary’s voice filtered into the room from the hallway. All three of you turned to the doorway to see a young Mary in a white dress. She wasn’t as young as when you met her for the first time, but she wasn’t as old as she looked in the pictures Dean secretly kept.

“Hey, Dean. You hungry?” she asked with a smile.

It seemed as if the brothers didn’t know what to do, especially Dean. Mary didn’t wait for an answer as she left out of sight. The brothers couldn’t help but flock after her in curiosity. If they were seeing their mother, then where was yours? Why was the only thing you were seeing was an unborn child? Was Amara trying to guilt you into having another child so she can have another vessel in case you died? Like you did now?

The brothers followed her into the kitchen where Dean sat at the kitchen table. In front of him sat a sandwich on a plate and an empty glass. As soon as he took a seat, she began pouring him a glass of milk to accompany the food she made.

“You want the crust cut off?” she asked.

“Yeah, I’d love that,” he grinned.

“Mom?”

Sam asked, but he received no answer from her. She continued to look at Dean without acknowledging Sam in any way.

“I guess this is not your memory, Sam. Sorry.”

“Dean, we should go. We need to keep looking for the road,” you said softly.

“Just… just give me a minute, okay?”

“Dean,” you whispered.

“Y/N. Please. One minute,” he begged.

Sighing softly, you nodded once before turning away from the scene. Dean would have loved a child in his life, and you were stupid to get rid of it in the first place. You needed to take a step back, and you did so without Dean noticing the discomfort and guilt in your eyes. Sam, however, noticed immediately.

“You okay?” he whispered as he joined you.

“I saw my unborn child, Sam. That is what I woke up to. That is my memory only it wasn’t a memory because it never happened. Sam, what did I do?” you whispered fearfully.

He could only sigh because he didn’t know what to say. Well, he knew what he wanted to say, but it would sound mean if he said it now. He knew you would reach this point eventually, and now it seemed impossible to tell Dean.

“It was a girl,” you whimpered tearfully.

Sam pulled you into a tight hug because he knew how much this meant to you.

“I remember this. Mom and Dad were fighting and then he moved out for a couple days,” Dean spoke, breaking the moment between you and Sam.

He looked back to see you wipe your eyes and became worried. Before he had a chance to say anything about it, Mary spoke in a loud voice.

“Fine. Then don’t… There’s nothing more to talk about,” she hung up the phone and turned away from the table.

She sniffled as if she’s fighting back tears.

“What happens next?” Sam asked, pointing to his mother.

Dean turned away from you to go over to his mother. He hugged her tightly as a son would normally do for his mother who was clearly sad.

“It’s okay, Mom. Dad still loves you. I love you, too. I’ll never leave you,” he said truthfully.

They break apart and she cups his cheek in one palm.

“You are my little angel,” she smiles too wide, “How 'bout some pie?”

She moves away from her son’s side to get the pie, and Sam shakes his head sadly. Dean noticed this and walked over to you two with a dismissive look.

“What?”

“I just never realized how long you’ve been cleaning up Dad’s messes,” he sighed.

“Whatever,” he frowned. “Let’s keep moving.”

While Mary was getting the pie, you and the two brothers searched what you could--cabinets, drawers, and even the damn oven. You didn’t seem to find anything that resembles a road anywhere until Sam picked up something that might.

“I’ve seen this somewhere before,” he commented, showing the postcard that says Route 66.

Your surroundings immediately changed to that of a shack. The wall in front of you is covered with postcards all from along Route 66. Dean was wearing his normal hunting clothes, but he was wearing a canvas coat instead of the usual leather one. Sam’s clothes have changed as well but only slightly. Yours remained the same except you had on sneakers instead of your hunting boots.

“Where are we?” you asked.

“No way,” Sam gasped happily.

Through the open front door, a golden retriever enters the room excitedly. The dog ran right to Sam as if they’ve been separated for a long time.

“Bones! Hey, c’mere! C’mere!” Sam laughed when the dog licked his face.

“Bones?” you wondered.

“Yeah. Bones was my dog,” he explained, getting up and walking over to the cheap coffee table where a pizza box sat.

“Your… your dog?” Dean asked.

“Yeah,” he shrugged.

He took a seat on the couch with a slice of pizza in his hands and Bones right beside him, tail wagging. This place was starting to look familiar, but it looks like Dean recognized this place before you did… and he wasn’t happy about it.

“Is this Flagstaff?”

“Yeah,” he said happily, petting his dog once more.

“This is a good memory for you?” you inquired.

“Yeah. I mean, I was on my own for two weeks. I lived on Funyuns and Mr. Pibb,” he laughed.

“Wow,” Dean scoffed, unimpressed.

“What?”

“Well, you don’t remember, do you? You ran away on my watch. We looked everywhere for you. We thought you were dead. And when Dad came home—”

He stopped himself short because you were there. You’d never seen John get so mad at Dean before. He almost got the point where he would have laid a hand on him if you hadn’t stepped in. Sam suddenly looked guilty, but Dean turned away from him.

“Dean, look, I’m sorry. I never thought about it like that,” Sam sighed.

“Forget it. Let’s roll,” he shrugged.

It was time like these that you told yourself that telling Dean about the mistake you made wasn’t such a good idea. Giving Sam one more look, you left the shack with Dean. Sam pet his dog once more before leaving as well.

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#supernatural fanfiction #supernatural series rewrite #dean winchester #dean winchester x reader #dean winchester fanfiction #dean winchester fic #dean winchester fiction #dean winchester fan fiction #dean winchester fanfic #dean winchester fan fic #dean x reader #dean fic #dean fiction #dean fan fiction #dean fanfiction #dean fanfic #dean fan fic #season 5 episode 18 #s5e18 #spn #supernatural

[trulycertain]

I’ve just finished Hearts of Stone for the first time (I got the expansion packs last birthday, thanks Ma), and cor, I’m... still a bit dazed. That was one of the best experiences I’ve had with a game for a long time. Heck, in some games that would’ve been the main campaign. It truly feels like a work of passion.

The negative, to get it over with

I had some issues with the portrayal of the Ofieri. The people we see are monsters, mages, mystics and enemy guards. The first Ofieri person you meet is... a toad monster you kill. And then the next ones are your jailers. 

And you might say that Temeria and Redania are full of yokel stereotypes - I mean, the “How often should I beat my wife?” NPC line is a clear nod to that kinda thing - and plays on Slavic mythology, folk tales, and fairy tales, and Ofier is the nod to the Arabian Nights... but we don’t get many Ofieri characters, nor clear examinations of those tales. Instead we’re quietly directed back to Robin Hood and Beauty and the Beast homages (which I adore, but). And one of the first introductions you get to their pseudo-Arabic language (which doesn’t feel as researched as Sapkowksi’s cod-Welsh Elven, but I don’t know about Nilfgaard’s language) is a Redanian guy calling it “gargling.” *wince* After the interesting, often nuanced takes on pseudo-Slavic culture and the fantasy non-human racism, I found that a bit frustrating. 

And yet... In some ways, it feels like CDPR were aware of this. Because you don’t actually have to kill the rest of the Ofieri guards, and then the next people you meet from Ofier are scholars and thoroughly nice dudes. (And... merchants, which is another stereotype on its own, but maybe I’m reading too much into that and reading British biases into it.) And gosh, I find it interesting what little we see of Ofieri scholarship and spirituality, and runeworking/smithing as prayer. It’s like a mix of Islamic Golden Age mathematics - but with languages instead - and humanism, maybe with some Pagan influences. It’s really, really beautiful, and it’s clearly had some thought put into it. Also interesting is the interlinked duchies/city-states sort of system that the merchant nods at, which I’d love to know more about.

OK, so... maybe this is easy for me to say as an English lass who looks like a flour explosion in a snowstorm, but it feels wonky (to say the least), but... not ill-intentioned. If anything, the portrayal of the Ofieri is rather less biting than portrayals of other countries, though those portrayals also feel less.. loaded. I’m not sure what to think, to be honest. I had some issues with how strongly the pack tries to force you into romance with Shani and makes it a bit all-or-nothing. I wish I’d been able to buy her a drink or give her a nice rowan garland (actually, seriously, I need to draw her in that flower crown, it’s lovely and she was adorable) even as a friend, as a way to say goodbye, rather than just... buggering off and leaving her there sad, and failing a side quest to boot. Framing the romance that way made it very clear that “oi, you’ve made the wrong choice,” even if you had your reasons. And when you talk to her later, it’ll still treat things like you romanced her.

The Order of the Flaming Rose didn’t do much. Yay, fancy bandits. But... thanks for the armour, guys? Made a fair bit of cash off that, nice of you.

The positive (my favourite bit)

Shani! I haven’t played the first game or the second (I’ll... get there), so I hadn’t met her before. She’s wonderful. And much as I love Yen - and stayed faithful to her, though I was sitting there thinking, “Would books Geralt do this? I’m really not sure” - I liked how in contrast, Shani often gets into the thick of it with you. I also love a) doctor characters b) characters who put their calling above all else and have such strong purpose. She’s kind and wry and I was seriously tempted to romance her. I also like her admitting that it was a “make the most of the time we have” thing, and that it probably wouldn’t work long-term. I appreciate that honesty and again, that sense of purpose. Much like Triss, she’s not dropping everything for Geralt, who has his own crazy timetable and travels to deal with. That straightforwardness is lovely. 

And also... god, I really like her friendship with Geralt. Even if you don’t romance her, they’re so comfortable with each other, and it’s so clear how happy he is to see her. They relax around each other and she knows how to gently poke fun. Seriously, I can see why people liked her and wanted her back.

“And now I have nowt.” Bloody hell, is Olgierd von Everec actually written with Northern dialect as well as voiced with the accent? Is the dashing rogue... Yorkshire-accented? God, they must be Polish, Northerners almost never get to be upper-class or smooth in British media. (Even Sean Bean had to go posher for GoldenEye.) Nice to hear the language spoken properly.  I always admire the localisation when I’m playing Wild Hunt; it’s beautifully thought-out and detailed. And yes, Von Everec was an absolute jerk in a lot of ways even before the wish, but... a well-written, nuanced one. Also, considering some of the lasses we see in Skellige: sometime, I’d really like to have seen a female character along similar lines somewhere (one Geralt couldn’t bonk), though I know that won’t happen. (No more Geralt games. ;_; )

“A man must have some moments of madness from time to time. Tells him he’s alive.”

Iris! Goodness, I hesitated for nearly ten minutes over That Decision, and I still feel sad for her typing this post up on my couch, having finished the expansion an hour ago. I think it adds even more that I’d purchased “Starry Night Over the Pontar River” by Van Rogh (I can’t believe they even did that). I played Geralt as genuinely loving her paintings. (And seriously, speaking of assets, that Iris/Olgierd marriage portrait is lovely.) She was as complicated as her husband, though she got less screentime - and some part of me would have gladly trapped Olgierd in a painting and brought her back into the world, but I also know that necromancy in The Witcher doesn’t work like that. A very romantic-fairy-tale take on the tortured artist trope.

I even found Vlodimir interesting. I was glad that Shani called him on what was basically fancy sexual harassment and told him to keep his hands to himself, and he was clearly a real shite in life, but... yeah, even I felt rather sad for him after the dressing-down he got from O’Dimm. And to be honest, he does have some bloody hilarious lines. This series excels in “likeable bastard” characters.

I get shades! And I’ve been going round with the Mastercrafted Wolven Armour and those, doing the look I fondly call Douchebag Geralt, ever since. CDPR’s nerdery. It wasn’t particularly immersion-breaking, and it made me cackle. “Merchant With A Pearl Earring”? “Witness me”? “Geralt: The Professional”? “The Professor’s Glasses”?

All the optional NPC dialogue. You can doom yourself by not researching enough. You can never find the runewright. You can miss half the wedding party dialogue. You can miss things like the Van Rogh painting and the sad, rather interesting story of Vesemir and his lover (and the Viper Armour!). The game always rewards you for being interested in the story, and thorough (you are playing a detective, after all), but because it was smaller, they’ve also made HoS so dense and all that’s here in abundance.

“Delight in the world and all its glorious creations.”

The furious pace. It’s a rollicking, rip-roaring adventure. A frog prince! An old friend/lover! A political plot! A storm! A deal with... something not-good that may or may not be The Devil! A shirtless tied-up action-movie fight with five dudes! Dueling a reluctant immortal! Characters from distant shores! A horse race through the streets of a village! A Guy Ritchie-esque heist movie nod to Robin Hood! Getting possessed by a ghost and sitcom/rom-com hijinks while fishing for boots, herding swine, and retrieving fire-eaters! Haunted mansions and tortured artists and interesting grief and depression metaphors! A Seventh Seal-esque game of wits with something very old and very unkind! O’Dimm promised a big adventure... he wasn’t wrong. And it probably sounds like they’re throwing shit at the wall to see what sticks... and yet, it all makes sense and ties in beautifully. It’s really well-written and thought-out, and balances a touching story with CDPR clearly wanting to give you your money’s worth and take you on the best journey they can.

Gaunter O’Dimm. The one thing I did think was that they’d be more vague about who/what he actually was. I was surprised at the more overt things like the crossroads deal, and the Oxenfurt scholar. But I immensely enjoyed his character, and that trippy finale was fantastic, even if I spent everything after the first second or so muttering, “It’s a REFLECTION, oh my god Gaunter you have commitment to your theme, please let there be a mirror in the house.” (And it’s also kind of perfect that one of the main spectres who attacks you in his realm is a Hym. Punishment for misdeeds, the guilty conscience... I’m seeing a theme here.)

Treasure hunts and new armour.

“Like your new gear, Roach?” We got to see a bit more of Geralt's fondness for this Roach (not sure what number she is, to be honest) and that he treats her well.

Lots of quiet but intense, lovely Geralt moments. The kindness with which he treats Shani, and his quiet, wry joking around with her in comparison to Vlodimir’s crudeness; the fondness and understated grief with which he speaks of Vesemir, and finally getting to hear a bit more of what he thinks about his mentor; the guilt he feels over being pulled here, there and everywhere on adventures and how many people he’s left behind; more stuff on “Witchers are heartless bastards because mutations” and how untrue that actually is; his steadfastness about trying to avoid bloodshed in the heist; how he doesn’t like to see Vlodimir tortured, even if he is... Vlodimir. Course, I play Geralt as a (pragmatic, blunt) goody-two-shoes, so it might be different if you play him bloodthirstier, but there were some lovely not-blank-slate-protag moments. CDPR get that the characters are why people come to the games; I adore playing a game where “go to a wedding reception” and “have a snowball fight with your daughter to cheer her up” are missions.

I’d be interested to see anyone’s takes on this pack, because I was so busy trying to avoid spoilers when it came out (and I think I might have been knee-deep in Fallout 4? Not sure) that I missed most of the stuff on it. But it was full of fascinating characters, wonderful performances, some really sad, achey complex themes, and pulpy adventure. I spent... too many moments trying not to cackle in joy. And much as I tried to be a completionist and do base-game sidequests remaining after the main story and drag it out over several days, I spent enough time on this expansion that Geralt’s beard grew back and my backside went numb. So. Even with its imperfections, probably one of my favourite gaming experiences of all time. So.

...God, and there’s another, slightly bigger expansion to go. I’m not sure I’ll survive.

#tru plays the witcher #hearts of stone #the witcher #the witcher 3 #long post

[benhardyisdaddy]

What A Time - Part 10

MASTERLIST 

(hello ily all !! i hope this part is okay <3 ALSO that’s the shirt i used in the story that y/n wears, i love it sm and i love him in that pic OOOOF look @ him)

Word Count: 1,717

You had curled up in bed and didn’t leave your room for the remainder of the day and night. You could still hear quiet voices downstairs, knowing that it was probably you they were speaking about. You squeezed your eyes shut and felt hot tears stream down your face. A certain pang of guilt hits you. You felt bad for treating Roger the way you did. He only did that to make you feel loved and at home, even if you don’t remember this being your home. His face, when you were yelling at him, had broken your heart. You didn’t mean to lash out like that at him, but you felt overwhelmed and like an animal in a cage, having strangers stare at you with no place to go. You were embarrassed and didn’t want to face Roger, but you knew you had to.

Morning had finally arrived as you’re sprawled out in bed. You yawn and rub your eyes and sit up. You look around when suddenly a pain shoots through your head. You grab it fast with your hands and hunch over. Everything around you spins. You squeeze your eyes close and whimper. Suddenly, it stops. You exhale as you open your eyes and look around once more. You blink a few times and keep thinking something over and over in your head. Roger Meddows Taylor, Roger Meddows Taylor, Roger Meddows Taylor. You keep repeating that in your head over and over when suddenly, it hits you. His name, you think to yourself.

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK

You look to the door fast and jump up from bed. You steady yourself as you get lightheaded, but ignore it. You rush to it and open it up. Roger is stood in front of you, dark bags under his eyes. He looks exhausted and your guilt returns. You lightly smile as your eyes lock together. Your grin makes Roger’s eyes gleam for a moment.

“I just wanted to apologize for last ni-”

“Roger Meddows Taylor.” you whisper.

Rog freezes and his brows slightly furrow. He shakes his head.

“What?” he whispers.

“Is that your name?” you ask. “Roger Meddows Taylor? If so, I remembered it.”

His eyes open wide and he forces himself to smile, even though he’s secretly freaking out. You remembered his name, which means you’ll more than likely begin to remember everything else.

“I had this excruciating pain in my head and then all of a sudden, I remembered. Isn’t that great?” you ask, beaming with excitement.

Roger grins back and shakes his head.

“That’s so amazing!” he lies.

The two of you smile at each other for a moment when you suddenly look away, your heart skipping a beat. You clear your throat and look back to him.

“I should be the apologizing, by the way. So I’m sorry for how I treated you last night. I was overwhelmed, but I shouldn't have yelled at you. I realize now that you were trying to welcome me home. So, I’m sorry.”

Roger’s half smile drops and he swallows hard. He doesn’t want you to ever apologize to him. He knows that he should be the one apologizing to you. For a lot of things. He shakes his head fast.

“No! Don’t apologize. Please. I should’ve thought everything through more clearly and not have thrown all of them at you on your first day back. So, I’m sorry. It was on me. You’re fragile right now and I need to remember that. Just, I guess it’s taking me some time getting use to… This.” he says, referring to your memory loss.

You nod and look down at the floor.

“Would… Would you like to eat breakfast with me? It’s okay if not, I can get it brought to your room.” he says quickly.

You look to him and smile.

“I would love to.” you whisper.

Roger’s eyes soften and he smiles. He runs a hand through his hair and takes a step back.

“Um, okay, yeah! I’ll just be downstairs, so… Uh, take your time.” he says.

You smile back and bite your bottom lip. Watching this man get flustered around you was honestly adorable. Something deep inside of you couldn’t resist the urge to want to touch him. Just reach out and run your hand through his hair or glide your finger over his lips. Yet something else deep inside of you was almost sad? Like every time you look at him, you almost want to cry and you weren’t sure why. You weren’t sure you wanted to know why.

“I’ll just get around real quick and I’ll be down.” you say.

Roger smiles, nods and turns to walk away. You watch him walk down the steps and you close the door. You turn around and lean against it, exhaling hard. You look over to the room’s closet and walk to it. You open it up and gasp. The closet was almost like a second bedroom, it was so large. You walk inside and look around. There were racks and racks of clothes, you didn’t know what to look at first. You glide your fingers against the clothes and stop at a tan fur coat. Your hearts jumps as you remember where you’ve seen this coat from. This was the same coat in those Polaroid pictures of you from the hospital. Your cheeks get hot as you run your hands through the soft material and continue looking. An over-sized white shirt caught your eyes. You slip it off of the hanger stare at the trippy Disney design on the front. You like it a lot, so you take it for yourself. You browse the shelf section of the closet and skim through sleep shorts that were yours. You opt for a pair of short, ruffly purple ones.

You walk from the closet and into the bathroom. You stare at yourself in the mirror and at the purple, swollen bruise against your eye. Your slight fractures had heeled perfectly, but the stitches on your abdomen still stung if you touched them. You slowly lift and toss your shirt to the floor. Dark bruises still covered your body and you wince at the sight. The scars from the defibrillator were red and tender as you close your eyes at the memory of you almost dying. You shake your head and discard the rest of your clothing and turn the shower on. Hot steam fills the room as you step inside. You sigh at the hot water cascading down onto your sore muscles. You gently wash yourself off and wash your hair. First time in forever since you feel actually clean. You sigh at the feeling and shut the water off. You slip a towel over you and step out. You quickly change and allow your hair to air dry. You slip on a pair of socks and make your way to exit the room.

Roger had been sat downstairs at the dining room table waiting for you. He kept looking at his watch, wondering how much longer it’ll be until you make your way down to him. He checks it once more when sounds of footsteps against the stairs makes his head fly up. You round the corner and he can’t help but smile. He stands up quickly and looks down at the shirt you have on. His smile falls and you notice it.

“That’s my shirt.” he says, looking to you with a grin on his face. “It was one of your favorites.”

You look down and run your hand over the design. You look back up and smile as he pulls back your seat for you. You thank him as you sit down. He takes his seat as you look around. Eggs, bacon, fruit, hash browns, pancakes, and sausage fill the table. Roger watches as you glance around and smiles.

“I know how much breakfast is your favorite food group, so…”

You look to him and smile.

“Yeah… You’re right, it is. Thank you for this.”

He nods and looks down. You grab your plate and begin filling it up. Your stomach growled as the delicious aromas fill the air. Roger grabs a pitcher of orange juice and holds it up.

“Juice?” he asks.

You take a bite of bacon and quickly nod your head, handing him your glass.

“Thank you.” you reply back as you take a gulp.

“I’m really happy you remembered my name.” he says, taking a bite of food.

He really was happy you remembered. Not excited that you remembered, but happy. You smile and nod, your cheeks flushing.

“The remembering part wasn’t as nice as I would have liked it to be, but I’m happy I did too. Maybe I’ll remember a bunch of other things too.”

Roger’s smile falls a bit, but he quickly regains it.

“So… We went to Paris?” you ask, trying to make the silence not so silent.

Roger nods quickly and leans back in his chair.

“You had begged me to go for forever, so I set up a giant surprise visit for you. You were so in love with the city, I thought I’d have to drag you on the plane when we left. The thought of the Eiffel Tower was so exciting to you, until you were actually on top. You got so scared of the height, I had to hold you close the whole time.”

The two of you laugh as you look down.

“That definitely sounds like me.” you giggle.

Roger watches as you laugh to yourself and he can’t help but smile.

“You have no idea how much I missed that smile.” he whispers.

You look up to him quickly and your grin falls. Roger realizes that his comment would confuse you, so he quickly explains himself.

“Just, you being away in the hospital. I missed it.” he half lies.

Your eyes soften as you lightly smile at him. The two of you lock eyes as Roger’s eyes fall to look at your lips. You catch yourself doing the same thing. Another second passes, when suddenly a loud buzzing sound makes the both of you jump. Roger exhales loudly as he gets up and walks over to a speaker system on the wall. He presses a red button and leans in.

“Who is it?” he asks, upset that someone had interrupted.

“Yeah, I’m looking for y/n?” says a familiar voice.

You gasp when you realize who it is.

“Max!?”

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[tomeandflickcorner]

Episode Review- The Real Ghostbusters: Venkman’s Ghost Repellers

Well.  That was certainly different.

It starts off with a prologue scene, with a tanker ship of some kind sailing through the open ocean. A member of the crew nervously informs the ship’s captain that they’re starting to get dangerously close to the New Jersey Parallelogram.  Which, the show explains, is like a smaller version of the Bermuda Triangle.  If you’ve never heard of the New Jersey Parallelogram, don’t worry; it appears to have been something they made up exclusively for this episode, considering I can’t seem to find any information beyond its appearance here.  Anyway, mere seconds after they mention the New Jersey Parallelogram, a strange grid-like pattern in the shape of a dome appears before them, and the tanker vanishes into thin air upon colliding with the grid dome.

We then cut to the Firehouse, where Egon is tinkering with his PKE Meter and Ray is doing some stretch exercises.  They’re both currently listening to a report on the radio, which is discussing the missing tanker.  As the news report winds up, Peter begins to walk down the stairs.  Judging by the fact that Peter is only wearing sweatpants and has a towel draped over his shoulders, I can only guess he just got out of the shower.  That or they have a weight machine upstairs and Peter was working out.  Though it really doesn’t matter either way.  Ray begins to tell Peter about how another ship disappeared in the New Jersey Parallelogram and suggests that perhaps they should head out to try and investigate the strange location, in the hopes of cleaning it up.  But Peter is quick to reject the idea, since the New Jersey Parallelogram is out in the middle of the ocean, so there would be nobody to pay them for the work.  While this does fit in with Peter’s character, considering we’ve already established that his favorite part of Ghostbusting is writing out the bill for their services, does he really not think there wouldn’t be some monetary reward involved should they find and manage to return the ships that had gone missing?

Anyway, Janine walks in at this point, sporting a pretty sweet looking red poncho.  And Peter, for some reason, decides to be a bit snooty in greeting her.  Though I suppose his over-the-top sarcasm was because she was showing up late, as Janine apologizes for such.  She explains that she couldn’t resist buying the poncho she’s currently wearing.  Of course, right when you start to think the show is making some sexist joke about women and their shopping habits, it’s subtly revealed that Janine was actually informing the Ghostbusters about something in a roundabout manner when she tosses Peter the poncho and tells him to read the label.  Upon doing so, Peter sees the poncho is being marketed as ‘Venkman’s Ghost Repellers.’  It turns out that Peter’s father, who was previously mentioned in X-Mas Marks the Spot, is trying to cash in on his son’s success as a Ghostbuster and is selling these ‘ghost repellers.’  Peter, upon learning about his father’s latest business venture, is nothing short of horrified and frustrated, as this is apparently not the first time Jim Venkman did something like this.  Egon voices his concern that Jim selling these ponchos and claiming they can repel ghosts would be considered fraud.  Especially when Peter, in order to determine their effectiveness, gets Slimer to assist him in putting the poncho to the test.  In doing so, it’s proven that the so-called ‘ghost repellers’ are completely useless.

Out of nowhere, Jim Venkman appears at the entrance of the Firehouse.  (Talk about impeccable timing.)  Peter immediately begins to reprimand his father for the ponchos, but Jim doesn’t see what the problem is, considering he doesn’t think he’s hurting anyone by distributing the ponchos under false advertising.  Strange thing is, there’s apparently some serious concern that Jim’s dishonesty could come back around and land the Ghostbusters into major legal trouble.  Especially when Peter begins yelling at Jim about having lawyers hounding him for the rest of his life.  Admittedly, I’m not a lawyer and have little knowledge in regards to the legal technicalities that would probably be at play here.  But why exactly would anyone be held responsible for the actions of their parent?  Of course, perhaps the problem is that Jim actually stated that he was the father of one of the Ghostbusters on the labels of his ‘ghost repellers’  Which I guess would give people the impression that the Ghostbusters themselves are endorsing the product.  But if that’s the case, couldn’t the Ghostbusters sue Jim for copyright infringement or something?  Again, I’m no lawyer, so I don’t have the legal know-how to properly judge this situation.  In any event, Jim does agree to stop selling his ‘ghost repeller’ ponchos, if that’s what Peter wants him to do, and he makes his leave.  After Jim leaves, Peter kinda sighs, stating his father isn’t a bad guy, but is still a con man who can’t make an honest buck.  Ray replies by commenting that it’s not surprising, since that sort of behavior is clearly in Peter’s blood.  Which is possibly a callback to how the movie clearly illustrated that Peter wasn’t a completely honest person in regards to the experiments he conducted.  Peter responds to the jab by blowing a raspberry at Ray, but in a good-natured way.

Of course, it’s then shown that Jim didn’t honor his word and is still distributing the fake ‘ghost repeller’ ponchos.  After the Ghostbusters wrap up a nighttime bust down at the pier, they notice a ship is preparing to depart to the location of the New Jersey Parallelogram in order to study it or something.  And we see that, unbeknownst to the Ghostbusters, Jim has ended up giving the crew of this ship some of the phony ponchos, which leads to the crew of this ship believing that they’ll be protected from whatever is causing the ships to disappear within the New Jersey Parallelogram.  Of course, because the ponchos don’t work, this ship ends up disappearing as well.

Three days later, Peter receives a visit from a Coast Guard official, who informs him that the ship they’d seen leaving for the Parallelogram, the MS Applegon, has vanished, and that he’s expecting the Ghostbusters to help locate it and rescue the missing crew.  Even though the official offers to pay them for their assistance, Peter tries to come up with an excuse by claiming they were booked up.  Until the Coast Guard Official mentions the ‘ghost repellers.’  Upon realizing his father was involved, Peter quickly changes his tune and pretends to be very eager to head out.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in town, Jim is watching TV from his hotel room.  When he learns the MS Applegon went missing, he seems to be filled by guilt, realizing that he’s to blame for this.  (Seriously though, guy.  What did you THINK was going to happen when you gave fake ghost repellers to a group of people you knew were going into a place noted for paranormal disturbances?) To try and make up for his mistake, he heads down to the docks and rents a speedboat in order to go off and find the missing MS Applegon himself.

Eventually, the Ghostbusters make it out to the site where the Coast Guard lost contact with the MS Applegon.  Like all the other ships that have appeared in the episode so far, they witness the dome-shaped grid appearing before them.  The Coast Guard tries to avoid colliding with the lines in the grid, as per Egon’s instructions, but to no avail.  And they end up vanishing as well.  Though we do get a rather funny moment here:

Peter: Egon, what now?

Egon: As long as we don’t disappear, we’ll be alright!

(They disappear)

Egon: Aw, nuts.

What follows is a rather trippy sequence when the ship they’re on seems to fly through the Tron version of light speed.  When they come out on the other side, they find themselves in a surreal dimension where the ship they’re on seems to be floating through mid-air.  Of course, now that they’ve made it inside the New Jersey Parallelogram, there’s still the question of how they’re supposed to locate the MS Applegon. Fortunately, Egon is already way ahead of everyone.  He managed to rewire the PKE Meter somewhat, so instead of it detecting paranormal entities, it will go off around people and objects from the physical plane. Such as the missing ship.  (Huh, the PKE Meter can do that?)

They begin to try to locate the missing ship with the altered PKE Meter.  Briefly, Ray notes that they’re detecting a signal, but it’s only at a strength of 0.04. Egon announces the signal they’re picking up is too small to be coming from the MS Applegon, and that they should focus on finding a signal that’s at least 6 or 7.  Winston points out that the weak signal could be a lifeboat, but Egon is rather quick to dismiss this possibility, insisting it’s probably just a malfunction.  Okay, no offense to Egon, of course, but it is a bit thoughtless of him to not even bother checking on this before dismissing it as a malfuntion.  Because Winston does have a legit point.  After all, the start of the episode stated clearly that 7 ships had disappeared around the New Jersey Parallelogram.  So seeing Egon’s sudden hubris here is a bit bothersome.  Particularly when it’s then revealed to the audience that the weak signal is coming from the speedboat Jim rented.  Because he ended up here, too.  Though he’s not having much luck in finding the MS Applegon, either.  He’s currently being chased by a pair of ghosts that almost remind me of those geometric shape puzzles.  And while I can’t be sure, I’m fairly certain they recycled the audio sound file of the Banshee from Darby O’Gill and the Little People, because the ghostly wails of these geometric ghosts bear a strong resemblance to the wails of the Banshee.  Anyway, Jim does soon find the MS Applegon, but because he’s still being chased after by ghosts, he can’t really do anything.

As this is going on, The Ghostbusters run into a bit of trouble themselves, as a torpedo appears out of nowhere.  Fortunately for them, the torpedo misses them, but they’re a bit confused by the fact that the torpedo actually changed course before it could collide with them.  Egon once again is able to explain things by stating that, in this dimension, reality is all crumpled up, and no two lines can intersect with each other.  Which explains why everything is so topsy-turvy.

It’s at this point that they locate the MS Applegon. Because of what was just established, it’s determined that they have to physically tether the MS Applegon to the Coast Guard’s ship, to ensure that they’ll stay together.  Once the two ships are secured to one another, they use the altered PKE Meter in order to locate the entrance to this dimension within the New Jersey Parallelogram.  Which they manage to do relatively easily.  

Of course, things aren’t quite wrapped up yet.  Especially since there’s still 5 minutes left.  They end up noticing the speedboat that Jim had rented floating nearby.  Except now, it’s empty.  Which means that Jim is still inside that other dimension somewhere.  So Peter and the others have little choice other than to go back inside and locate the man, even though Peter states that Jim probably deserves to be left where he is.  After returning to the warped dimension inside the New Jersey Parallelogram, the Ghostbusters end up entering this weird area that was covered by a dome. Inside the dome, they manage to locate Jim, who is trying to ward off the ghosts swarming around him with an oar. The Ghostbusters come to his aid, driving the ghosts away with their Proton Packs.  

But it turns out the Ghostbusters firing off their Proton Packs weakened the structure of the dome they were in.  Which apparently results in the New Jersey Parallelogram getting destroyed as well.  I’m not exactly sure how this was achieved, but there we are.  And at least, with the dimension inside the New Jersey Parallelogram closed off, they’re all able to make it back in one piece.  Though Egon laments that he never got the opportunity to study it. So Ray tries to put a silver lining on things by stating that they’re probably the first guys to successfully destroy a wonder of the unnatural world.

As the Ghostbusters make their way back to shore, Jim gives Peter his word that he now intends to go straight.  But that promise apparently didn’t last long, as the next scene shows Peter receiving a postcard from his father.  The postcard states that Jim got a job in northern Alaska- selling iceboxes to Eskimos.  (A statement I find slightly problematic, since not only is the term Eskimo considered offensive by some, but also because iceboxes actually CAN be useful to people living in arctic areas, as the alternative is storing food outside in the natural artic freeze, which could often lead to the food getting severely damaged by the subzero temperatures.  So iceboxes can help keep that food cold enough to prevent spoilage and warm enough to avoid the damaging freeze.  But still, I get what they were trying to say here.)  Ray jokingly states that perhaps they should ask Jim to come work with them, seeing as how persistent he is.  In response to this joke, Peter apparently threatens to throw something at Ray (we have to guess as to what, since we can only hear Ray’s voice over an exterior shot of the Firehouse), but Ray soon realizes he’s only teasing.

While the overall premise of this episode was certainly interesting, and the dimension they wound up in was pretty cool, I still think the ending was a bit weak.  Not only am I still not sure how the warped dimension got destroyed, they never actually indicate what happened to the other ships that were lost within the New Jersey Parallelogram.  Although, seeing as how the mentioned disappearances began in 1980 and this episode supposedly takes place around 1987, the crews of the other missing ships may have ended up starving to death, since I’m sure their food stores could only last them so long.  But what about that tanker from the start of the episode?  I suppose it’s possible they were also freed when the dimension got destroyed, but some confirmation would have been appreciated.  It’s also interesting to meet Peter’s father, Jim. We’d already established that he was always working when Peter was a boy.  Now we got an idea of exactly what kind of work he was involved in.  Still, it’s clear that, while Peter still has major issues with his father (and for good reason), he still cares about him. Which is arguably a good character trait for Peter, as it suggests that he doesn’t give up on people easily.

(Click here for more Ghostbusters reviews)

#the real ghostbusters #rgb episode review #ghostbusters franchise

[lavander-galaxy]

Sanders Sides Analysis: Logos, Pathos, and Ethos

A few days ago in my English class, we reviewed ethos, pathos, and logos. It sparked my interest because I knew that Logan’s name was based off of logos and Patton’s off of pathos. I have seen plenty of theories about these tools of persuasion, so I decided to analyze the sides through each of these concepts. 

Enjoy!

LOGOS

Logos is an appeal to logic and reason, it is also a Greek word that means ‘a word’ or ‘reasoning’.This tool of persuasion is used to “prove” an argument through logical and sound reasoning. Now of course this sounds pretty accurate for our nerd, but I couldn’t help but realize who else this connected to. Deceit. Throughput the entirety of SvS Dee used LOGIC in order to show Thomas his point and make the other sides listen to him. Heck he even showed up as Logan in the beginning. But why would Deceit shut Logan out of the conversation if they are so similar? Well, Logan wasn’t completely shut out since Dee did use Logan to answer some questions in the episode, and he had some outbursts at some point. However, It does make some sense why Deceit wouldn’t want Logan to have an input based on later parts of the episode. For example: At the very end Logan interrupts Dee as he is trying to prove his point to the others. He says “leave the teaching to me”. Logan is the true source of logic in the group, that is what he represents. Maybe Logan feels competition between him and Dee because they both use logos to prove their arguments and explain their reasoning.

PATHOS

Pathos is an appeal to the emotions, so it makes sense that Patton is the main man representing this. Pathos is also a Greek word that means ‘experience’ or ‘suffering’. Wait.. suffering?? It is important to note that even though Patton is a bubbly character he still encompasses sad emotions. Something I found interesting about Pathos is that a way to use it is by appealing to an audiences hopes and dreams, playing on their fears and worries, or appealing to their particular beliefs or ideals. But, that’s not all only Patton. ‘Hopes and dreams’ I don’t know about you, but that sounds like Roman to me. ‘Playing on their fears and worries’ and that right their sounds like Virgil. How could all of these characters be connected? Well, A part of the series that I have noticed is how the three of them always seem to understand each other better. On the other hand, Logan is left misunderstood, not listened too, and disregarded because the other three don’t understand his way of reasoning. We really saw the clash in WDWGOOBITM. Logan and Roman kept going back and forth about who was right and wrong, but they didn’t even understand what either of them was trying to argue the while time. Not until the end when Thomas brought up their points again, and pointed out that they actually make a good team at least. In fact a way to show pathos while persuading someone is by using descriptive language and imagery which evokes emotion. Sounds pretty familiar right? That is exactly how Roman chose to explain his point of view during that whole episode. Another way to use pathos in an argument is by identifying values or emotions which relate particularly to your audience, and play to them. This was Patton’s plan during SvS. Remember how he got info out of Virgil while he was on the stand? He played to the fact that he knew how much losing a friend would hurt Virgil, so that’s how he approached his case with him. He attempted to do the same with Logan, but since they are so opposite when it comes to the tools of persuasion, it was a flop. He didn’t know what to ask, or how to get more information that he needs out of Logan. Partially was probably because he knew that Thomas didn’t actually want to go to the callback, but I can’t help but think that it is also because Patton doesn’t understand how Logan works. This also makes sense on why Logan refuses to believe he has emotions. Not only is he the furthest away from using pathos ever, but he doesn’t understand  the reason behind it. Why does he need emotions, when he can get his point across clearly with facts? Another part of pathos that I noticed is how it is connected to guilt. Pay attention to both of these examples of pathos that I found:1- If you don’t buy this life insurance you are letting your family down. 2- If you don’t go on this holiday you will regret it. You don’t want to live with regrets, do you? Wow. very guilt-trippy I know. This brings light to a quote by Roman after Patton scolds him for siding with Dee in SvS, “Yeesh, I would’ve stayed in my room if I knew dad was gonna take us on a guilt trip.” (This also just strengthens my argument that the next side is gonna be guilt but that is besides the point).It now makes sense why Patton has been using guilt as a way to persuade lately. That is what he knows, that is how he knows he is able to get the others to agree with him. Besides, if your audience is more emotionally invested and engaged with your case or argument, they are more likely to be persuaded. Right?

ETHOS

Finally ethos is up. This is the tool of persuasion that I have seen most people put Dee with. However, I think I am going to have to disagree. Ethos is an appeal to authority and credibility and it is a Greek word meaning ‘character’. One thing we know of Dee so far is that right now he is not trusted to be credible. Also every side literally takes whatever he says as a lie or not the complete truth. The main goal of using the ethos form of persuasion is to convince your audience to do what you believe is right or just to convince them of your point is by using your character or credibility. That is not deceit’s angle throughout svs at. all. The only time in that episode that used ethos is in the beginning of the episode when Patton tried to convince Thomas that he needs to skip the callback because of his morality. Patton says “what is this wacky talk? You don’t mean any of this. I’m your morality. I wouldn’t be here if you did.” And to that Deceit responds with the same exact reasoning. “You know who else is here? me. so maybe Thomas isn’t so innocent.” Ironically enough, ethos is used more against deceit than in deceit’s favor. Take Virgil for example, he has pointed out how deceit is a liar and how no one should ever trust his too many times to count. Whenever Dee is starting to make a valid point it is always shot down by his own character and credibility at the hands of the lights. Rather that his own credibility, Dee’s preferred tactic is fact and truth. (which is ironic since he is deceit). Sounds like logos right? That’s cause it is. He using the same tactics as Logan does, which explains why they butt heads so much. Deceit is there to show Thomas the truth. He hates it when Thomas lies to himself and covers up what he truly believes is true. Which is exactly the point of svs. As Dee says in the video, “What am I doing here, Thomas? Am I the snake come to trick you into sinning or have you had your mind made up since the moment you received the news about the callback?” Deceit’s arguments all focus on fact, truth, and the ABSENCE of lies. In fact whenever a side lies during this episode Deceit immediately calls them out. (I would list them but that’s for a different post) The curious case of Dee’s questions throughout that video also leave many questions. My favorite of his questions is that whenever Deceit was questioning the other sides he began with asking them what their functions were as a part of Thomas. It’s almost like he was setting Patton up to ask him the same question. Maybe then his side of the story would have made a little more sense. But alas! I guess we will just have to wait a little longer to fully understand Dee as a character. However, we did get an insight on his motives of the video. And he was doing it all to protect Thomas. Funny right? It’s almost like that was Virgil’s motive as well when he was an outcast. But, that is a completely different topic so I will leave you guys, gals, and non-binary pals with this.

Deceit obviously isn’t as cut and dry as the rest of the sides. I don’t think we can perfectly put him in a box in order to try and predict his name or his motives just yet. It is the same as the case with Virgil. The others are different. And I can’t wait to see how they flourish within the series. 

 So basically what I am trying to say is, based on what we have seen Deceit’s arguments are based more on fact that character and credibility. This leads me to believe his character, argumentative style, and name, are not based on ethos. His character seems like it is leaning more towards logos actually. 

Thanks for reading all of this! I hope that the people who decided to read this ridiculously long post (and who patiently waited for me to get off my butt and finish it) enjoyed what i had to say. If i missed anything, or you want to bring up your own p.o.v to what I offered feel free to! <333

#sanders sides theory #thomas sanders #character thomas #deceit sanders #long reads #logan sanders #patton sanders #roman sanders #virgil sanders #ethos logos pathos #ethos #pathos #logos #sanders sides analysis #long post #svs

[takadasaiko]

Houseguest Chapter Nine

FFN II AO3

Summary: Tony trusts Cap with a story he doesn't often share and they receive bad news in regards to the stolen alien tech.

Chapter Nine: Consequences of Warnings Ignored

Sneider hadn't lied. The old man had warned him that his ribs were going to feel worse before they felt better. Sometime around three in the morning the painkillers had worn off just enough for the pain to slice through the trippy dreams he had been having and wake him up coughing and sputtering. He rolled to his side, curling in on himself as he did his best to will his body under control. His best wasn't cutting it. He was going to hurl, but he had no idea how to get himself up and out of bed, much less to the bathroom.

"I gotcha, Tones," a familiar voice said, and he squinted to see a trash can being held ready for him. He dove for it, emptying what little he had in his stomach until there was less than nothing left. He sank down, draped against the edge of the bed and focused on breathing for a long moment.

He could hear Rhodey shuffling, taking the trash can to the bathroom and running water in it. Tony couldn't muster the energy to move, just listen, and he heard his friend's footsteps returning. "Just like old times, huh?" he rasped, the joke sounding weak even to him.

"Yeah, I don't remember old times including as many broken bones," Rhodey huffed, moving back into his line of sight. It looked like he'd pilfered a pair of sweatpants and an MIT hoodie that Tony thought he actually remembered stealing from Rhodey years before. Well, he supposed that was fair.

"Cracked ribs, not broken," he corrected as his gaze slid past his friend to a chair not too far from the bed.

"Oh yeah? How's that foot?"

A blanket was slung over the back of the chair that wasn't usually there. "Rude. Did you sleep in a chair? I have guest rooms you know."

"Yeah, six of them. When do you ever have that many people stay over?"

"I like to have options."

Rhodey snorted. "I can't hear you from the guest bedroom."

"You worried about me, Rhodes?" Tony teased, but the other man's expression was more serious.

"Always these days, Tones. How're you feeling?"

Tony gave a dramatic groan. "Like a building exploded with me inside of it about thirty-six hours ago."

"That good, huh?"

"Oh yeah. That and I took pain meds on an empty stomach."

"Could be why you woke up like you did."

"Leaning in that direction, yeah."

Rhodey reached forward, the back of his hand pressed against Tony's forehead like he was checking for a fever and looked satisfied with the results. "You should -"

"I apologize for the interruption," JARVIS' voice cut in, "but I've just received a report that the transfer vehicle and police escort that was taking Ms Mira to a new holding facility was attacked."

"Just now?" Tony demanded. "It's the middle of the night."

"Probably avoiding morning traffic," Rhodey mused.

"How bad, J?"

"The reports are still coming in, but there appears to have been an explosion. Three confirmed fatalities currently, but medical is on its way."

Tony felt his chest tighten, his anxiety levels on the rise and he tried to think through them. He needed more information. More data. He couldn't do anything unless he had all the facts. "Explosion? Where?" He shifted, steeling himself.

Rhodey turned a half panicked look on him. "No no no. You stay down."

He had barely started the struggle to sit when two hands pushed gently against his shoulders, forcing him back against the pillows. "I have to help -"

"You're not in any condition to go help anyone right now."

Brown eyes met a darker set. "I tried to warn him."

Rhodey's determination shifted into an expression Tony couldn't quite place. It wasn't pity. He knew better than that, but where Tony felt the sudden onslaught of guilt at not being able to make Ito see reason and that failure costing likely good cops their lives, Rhodey seemed to join him somewhere on that spectrum of pain. "I know you did, buddy," he answered softly. "Listen, try to get some more sleep. You know I have enough contacts to run something down. As soon as I've got something I'll let you know. Okay?"

He still felt the overwhelming need to act, to make sure that this didn't happen again, but Tony found himself nodding and accepting Rhodey's admittedly reasonable proposal.

"Right. I'm gonna go wake Rogers up and -"

"Why?"

Rhodey snorted. "Because if someone isn't here you're gonna faceplant into the floor when you try to get up the second I'm out the door. C'mon, man. I know you." He reached forward, his touch brief on the side of Tony's face. "Get some rest. I'll call it in as soon as I've got it."

"Promise?"

"Promise." He turned towards the door and paused. "I know you won't believe me, but this wasn't your fault, Tones."

And then he was gone, leaving Tony to loose a trembling, pained breath as he squeezed his eyes shut, his imagination filling in the gaps of JARVIS' limited report.

                                                     ___________

Colonel Rhodes was convinced that if someone wasn't watching Tony that he would try to slip out of the house as soon as Rhodes was gone. It seemed like a stretch until Steve poked his head into the presumably sleeping man's room to find it empty. A quick search through the bedroom and a call into the adjacent bathroom suite confirmed it.

Panic threatened his sleep deprived mind. Five minutes. He'd been responsible for Stark for five minutes and he'd lost him. Fantastic.

Just as quick as the panic had threatened, Steve pushed it aside. It wasn't useful anyway. Never had been. No, he needed to think this through. It hadn't been long since Rhodes had left, and as slow as he'd been moving a few hours before when they had all turned in for the night, he couldn't have gotten dressed and out the door yet. Maybe the garage? Or….

He stopped. "Jarvis?"

"Yes, Captain?"

"Where's Tony? Is he still in the house?"

"Mr Stark is in the kitchen," the AI answered briskly and Steve was off.

Down the stairs and into the kitchen, there was no immediate sign of the missing Stark. The coffee pot was on and brewing, but the lights were dimmed.

"Rhodey tell you what happened?"

Steve startled just a little at the unexpected voice from the room just beyond the kitchen. He followed it to find Tony curled into a chair, that old robe wrapped around him, and a tablet in hand. He flicked at it and the video feed he was looking at projected out so that Steve could see the mangled mess of vehicles left behind from the explosion.

"Two local cops are dead, one US Marshal," Tony said, his voice raw sounding and there was none of his usual enthusiasm.

"How?"

"Still waiting on more intel, but it happened when they were transferring our woman. If I were to take a guess, I'd bet she found a way to smuggle a piece of the alien tech with her and set it off."

Steve looked him over as subtly as he could. He looked exhausted and in no small amount of pain still. "Maybe you should get some sleep while we wait? It could be a while."

"I can't sleep."

"Just -"

"No."

The snap took Steve off guard and he stiffened. Tony must have seen the reaction because he loosed a long breath. "Sorry. I'm just…. I need to figure this out. There could be more out there. Until we figure out who these people are and if they got any more of it…" He squeezed his eyes and massaged the bridge of his nose. "I can't let anybody else get hurt."

You only fight for yourself. That's what Steve has told Tony when they'd first met. He'd seen footage, he'd read reports. He had thought he knew him, but all he'd seen was the image Tony projected for the world. This man - bruised, beaten, and heartbroken over the lives he couldn't save - somehow seemed so much more real than the mask of bravado that he usually wore. Steve took a careful seat across from him and pursed his lips thoughtfully.

"What?" Tony prompted tiredly.

"You said you created the Iron Man suit to make sure your tech didn't hurt anyone."

"Yeah," he managed, not sounding like he liked where this was going. Steve would have to tread carefully.

"SHIELD's files are… thin on what happened in Afghanistan, but that's where it started, right?"

Tony managed to look even more uncomfortable than before. "What are you asking, Cap?"

"What happened there? What made you choose this?"

Tony looked at him for a long moment and Steve thought the dark haired man might tell him to mind his own business. His reasons were his own, and when Tony uncurled and stood, he was pretty sure that was what he was expected to take away. He didn't move, but watched as the injured man limped slowly back towards the kitchen. "You coming or are you gonna make me shout?"

His invitations left a lot to be desired, but at least Steve was certain that's what it was. He followed, doing his best to keep his movements casual and unhurried. Tony looked uncomfortable enough with the subject as it stood.

The other man moved stiffly to the coffee pot, his voice soft and distant as he spoke. "I was there for a presentation. The Jericho Missile. The convoy escorting us back to base was hit and I was taken. Spent about three months there and built the suit to get out."

"That's about where the SHIELD files end. I just… I guess I'm asking what got you from there to being willing to get blown skyhigh."

Tony snorted. "I could ask you the same thing." He turned to lean back against the cabinets and sip at his steaming coffee. "There was a man I worked with. A… mentor. He was close with my dad. I found out he was selling my weapons to terrorists. This -" he taped the ARC reactor set into his chest - "keeps the shrapnel from my own bomb away from my heart. They were using those weapons on local families to keep them under their thumb. They ripped airmen to pieces with them to get to me. I swore I wouldn't let anyone use one of my designs like that again."

"The early missions that you ran," Steve breathed. "The ones with near to no information on them."

"They were to destroy my stolen tech."

Steve loosed a breath. That had been the missing piece. It made more sense now, and he knew he'd misjudged the other man early on. He knew it now more than ever. "I'm sorry."

That seemed to startle him out of the increasingly brooding mood he had been sinking into as he spoke. "Huh? For what?"

"The things I said before New York."

Tony ducked his head a little. "Yeah, well, you turned out to be more than just some hopped up super soldier so… live and learn, right?"

"Guess so," Steve murmured, the corner of his lips quirking up.

If Tony was going to offer anything further, he didn't get the chance. There was a loud chime that must have been the doorbell and he shot a questioning lol towards the front door. "J, what've we got?"

"I'm sorry, sir, but I'm unable to get a clear visual of the individual for ID recognition."

Steve frowned. That didn't sound good.

"Show me what you dohave," Tony answered irritably.

An image popped up on the tablet he'd left on the kitchen island and Steve leaned in for a closer look. The man on the porch was slender, medium height, and very good at making sure his baseball cap shielded his face from view. Tony pushes a breath out through his nose. "I'll be damned. I think that's Ito."

Now that he said it, the figure did resemble the police captain. "What would he be doing here?"

"Won't know until we talk to him. Jarvis, let him in."

                                                    ___________

TBC

Notes: For a story that I never actually meant to write, this thing has grown like crazy....

And it's almost done. I just wrapped up the writing for chapter 10 and I think, at most, there may be 12 chapters all together. Watch it somehow turn into 20. That'd be just like my traitor brain to add on another arc to prove me wrong. :P

For those of you that celebrate, I want to wish you a very happy Chunukkah and a Merry Christmas! I hope everyone has a safe and fun holiday, and here's hoping that I can get the next chapter up by New Year! :D

Next Time: Danger follows Ito to Tony's doorstep.

#MCU fanfiction #Tony Stark #Steve Rogers #James Rhodes #Iron Man #Captain America

[phoenix]

Urgh.

So, I have a septic tank (thankfully no problems THERE knock on wood) but there’s this company my da dealt with, that supplied this product that would help take care/feed the bacteria in the tank.

They are...very VERY pushy.  They sell you a four year supply, then call *two* years later saying they have a New Improved formula, and use high pressure scare tactics to make you think the OLD stuff will ruin your tank or something.  Once I could see, but when it KEEPS happening, I get very suspicious.

(I’m suspicious of the product itself, since it’s a thing that does what it does invisibly with no way to confirm or deny, but fine enough).

They called me last year, and I knew I had a two year supply left.  They said oh, my dad must have missed a bunch, because he should be just about used up!  I said FINE send me the new stuff, just to get them off my back, and wrote down dates so they wouldn’t bug me for four years.  (I later dug around and found some old bills and no, dad had not missed any, and was right on track, they were either wrong or outright lied, but whatevs.)

THIS year they called back, and I put a stop to it right away, but the guy pivoted, saying they had ANOTHER product that would help keep the DRAINS clean because products can cause them to something something and more high pressure scare tactics and at the time it SOUNDED reasonable and I sighed and ordered, and now regret it because it’s glorified Draino.  And it’s a ‘preventative’ thing they expect you to use once a month, and again, that bugs me.  “Here’s a tiger repellent device!  You don’t see any tigers so it must be working!”

Got a call this morning which woke me up and was from a generic local number with no name, just location. (This is what ALL their numbers look like, which is wicked sketch IMO, but again fine).  I ignored the call because it was unknown, but they called back a few hours later.  I answered since it was local, and MAYBE it was important

Nope, it was the septic people again, probably thinking they had found a sucker, and calling back a month after their last attempt.

THIS time it wasn’t about product, they wanted to sell me septic tank insurance.  Which...I dunno?  Maybe I need?  I have no idea?  My dad never paid for anything like that, and we’d been here for 30 years, so okay.

First of all, I don’t have the money to pay for this (Wait, this gets better, but bear with me) and because this company is SO pushy and scare tactic (seriously, I recognise several plays from the scammer playbook that you get from those people claiming to be from Windows and you have viruses, but I digress) that I am REALLY REALLY not interested.  Any other company making a pitch, or if they weren’t constantly calling me to milk more money out of me, I might MIGHT have found a way to make it work, but I just SO do not want to deal MORE with these people, no matter how much I might actually need this.

She finishes her pitch, I say I’m not interested, and she wants to know WHY.  Which, I guess is fine, but at the same time, if I’m not interested in a product, I should be able to say no, and that’s the end of it.  I don’t really have a good answer and don’t REALLY want to say “you’re pushy weasels” because she’s just doing a job and trying to make a sale.  I try and come up with something vague, and she pushes again for a reason, and I come up with “Look, this is just something I am not interested in getting involved with.”

“WELL ooohKAY then.”  It is REALLY hard to capture her emotion here, but I hope I got it.  It’s that guilt trippy “FINE it’s YOUR fault then!” kinda thing.

I have spent the rest of the afternoon freaking out because what if I DO need this, and something goes wrong??  Even if I can’t afford it??  But, there are three reasons I feel good about NOT doing it despite worrying at the same time.

1) Like I said numerous times, that hard sell pushy stuff of “You DO realise this could cost thousands of dollars??” scare tactics really really bugs me.  You should be able to sell your product or service without scaring me and threatening me.

B) She NEVER not ONCE pointed out *the actual price of the insurance* before asking if I was ready to sign up.  That is WAY questionable to me.  I still don’t know what it would cost.  She could’ve said “For just five dollars a month!” or whatever and you know what?  I might’ve just gone with that.

3) If they were serious and a genuine service I should be interested in, I feel like she should have left me a number to contact her/the company, in case I changed my mind.  Nope, she just said well FINE and was done with me.  If you really think insurance for my septic system is THAT important and THAT dangerous to not have, you’d leave a number for me to mull things over and call back, yes?

So yeah.  Today was fun.  Anyone else have similar encounters, or think I made the right choice, or made a grave error that I will regret?

#Foenix rambles #And yes #I deliberately did not name them

[cipherr]

one more and i’m done

let me preface this by saying i’m fully aware of how guilt-trippy this is going to sound, i swear it’s not my intent, i just need to let it out

i can feel myself spiraling again and on the one hand i feel like i need to talk it out but on the other i still feel so fucking guilty for talking about it to people because once i start it just keeps coming out and i’m tired of ruining relationships because of it, that’s why i started therapy. but the therapy isn’t helping me in this moment.

i want to talk but i also don’t want to talk.

it’s exhausting to talk about but also if i keep it bottled up i just feel worse. if i talk about it, i always end up feeling guilty. it’s not productive. it’s so hard to pinpoint the root of the problem when even just trying to make sense of what’s going on in my brain is overwhelming.

i feel so stuck and i know this is all because of my anxiety for tomorrow and i’ll feel better when it’s all over with but even then, where does that leave me? i thought i was doing so much better but it’s as i feared, i’m not that much better at all. and again, i KNOW thinking this way is not productive. i know. i also don’t want me to be doing what i’m doing right now.

plus, if i even get this job, how am i going to hold onto it? how am i not just going to get overwhelmed again? i can’t afford to let what happened to me last time happen again. recovering took so long and it took so much out of me. i’m still not done recovering, evidently. and i don’t think my body can physically take that again. not now. not yet. i probably should have been hospitalized last time.

it’s so hard not to get discouraged and feel like these past many months of therapy were a total waste when i have ONE simple task coming up and i feel like i’m right back to where i started. i’m really trying to not get discouraged. i know there’s no easy fix. i know it’s not just going to go away forever. it doesn’t work like that. but i need a better support system, apparently, and i don’t know how to get one that’s healthy and effective. 

i’m so tired of being overwhelmed!!! i just want to be healthy and i want to function normally and be able to do all the shit that i NEED to do!!!!!!!! i need a fucking job and i need to pay my fucking loans and i need to get on my fucking feet!!!!!!!!!!!!! why is it so hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#personal #i honest to god hate doing this sometimes but i really don't know what else to do? #please don't feel obligated to say anything about this just because i'm posting it #i just need to get things off my chest