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spacebarbarianweird · 1 day

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I know you probably have a deluge of requests, but may I add Astarion/Male Drow Tav headcannons to the list? SFW or NSFW, either one!

Ok, I usually don't do M!Tav but I think it would be a nice change since I mostly write fem!Tav (and especially OC Tav). Besides, relationship with a Drow is always an interesting gender dynamics!

Masterlist

Headcanons

Astarion x M!Drow!Tav

You are that third son who is up to be killed since you can't be used even for giving your mother-matriarch more female descendants.

You were spared though and given to serve Lolth.

The day of your iniciation approaches and you know one thing for sure.

You will fail the Lolth test. You will be turned into a deranged monster, a Drider, and suffer from madness and pain till your long elven days come to an end.

You decide to run.

Besides, there are rumors about drow men who have managed to do that.

It takes you almost a year to find your way to the surface and you immediately get blinded by the sun.

You don't know how to make decisions for yourself, you are afraid of the Lolth curse, and you see spies and scouts in every Drow you encounter.

And you have no fucking clue how to lead this small party of weirdos you end up with.

You still try - you are so desperate to make it work, that you become a leader (and even think your mother would have been proud of you, after all)

Even though you are the smallest in the group (what, 5.2 is absolutely normal for a male drow! You are even called 'tall as a woman'!)

Astarion tries to play on your own insecurities, your fears, your anxieties.

Sweet words, praise. You don't need much to seduce a young drow.

But Astarion has one trait he hates to admit.

He enjoys taking care of others.

And he enjoys taking care of you - and he is actually ready to fight drows should they come for you.

It takes him some time to realize he, indeed, loves you. And he isn't sure how you'd take his confession.

Well, he expected anything but not tears.

But in the end, you forgive him and you end up together, promising to protect each other from evil.

Though, Astarion almost decides to ascend. Mostly because he isn't sure if a spawn can protect his beloved from Lolth.

He still makes a choice not to ascend and you end up cradling him through the night since he needs to mourn all the decades he's lost.

Once it's all over, return to the Underdark is out of the question. And you decide to get somewhere far enough not to think of your clan coming for your soul.

And somewhere Astarion can walk freely.

NSFW undercut

You are at the bottom. It wasn't actually something you'd discussed, you just ended up on your fourth in the clearance while having your ass pounded.

Sometimes Astarion is tender, sometimes he's rough - and you don't actually know what to expect from your lover.

Ever since his vampiric strength has returned, he often makes love to you standing. And the session can last for a very long period because he can't get exhausted.

Probably, the most embarrassing moment for you was when Astarion offered to give you a head (since you didn't finish).

The way your cock disappeared in his mouth and the way he maintained eye contact were unexpected, that's for sure.

Later, you asked Astarion to teach you how to give a blowjob, and you enjoyed the process much more than you initially thought.

@tugoslovenka

@herstxrgirl

@herdarkestnightelegance

@vixstarria

@not-so-lost-after-all

@marcynomercy

@theearthsfinalconfession

@starlight-ipomoea

@micropoe10

@astarion-imagine-archive

@veillsar

@elora-the-slutty-songstress

@fayeriess

@lumienyx

@tallymonster

@caitlincat-95

@tragedybunny

@valeprati

@lynnlovesthestars

@marina-and-the-memes

@waking-eyes

@ayselluna

@connorsui

@asterordinary

@darkarchangel96

@locallegume

@brainfullofhotsauce

@coffeeanddonutscafe

@my-queen-rhaenyra-targaryen

@queenofthespacesquids

@ednaaa-04

@dajeong

@wilteddreamsofbaldursgate

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that-weird-skeleton-bastard · 7 months

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*insert profound metaphor about how Raz as a trans boy hugging and conforting his younger, pre-self discovery self represents him imbracing his past even tho he isn't that person anymore*

Anyway

Egg

#psychonauts #psychonauts fanart #psychonauts 2 #razputin aquato #psychonauts raz #raz aquato #color palete challenge #color palette #color palette challenge #psychonauts angst ?#psychonauts fluff ?#raz is trans #trans pride #can i offer you a nice egg in this trying time?#trans egg #psychonauts memes

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motti-the-cat · 10 months

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This blog

#mötti #motti cat #mötti-kissa #cats #mötti meme #egg meme #frank reynolds #can i offer you a nice egg in this trying time #it's always sunny in philadelphia

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from-thoseghosts · 3 months

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POV : first run in Sins of the flesh

#cult of the lamb #cotl #cotl lamb #the lamb #cult of the lamb lambert #cotl lambert #sins of the flesh #cotl update #meme #gun #idk #can i offer you a nice gun in this trying time ?

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rando-posts · 2 months

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Other Pals: Let players travel faster or fly. Add special effects to player attacks. Buff Pals in the same party. Chikipi:

#palworld #chikipi #pals #can i offer you a nice egg in this trying time?#memes #video games #mine

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little-legend-baby · 2 years

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This is it. This is my magnum opus contribution to this fandom.

#this is peak comedy #you’re welcome #egon spengler #spengler #harold ramis #ghostbusters egon #ghostbusters #ghostbusters 1984 #ghostbusters 2 #ghostbusters afterlife #meme #danny devito #can i offer you a nice egg in this trying time?

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shinobi-illuminator · 2 years

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Arcane meets It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Viktor is not amused.

#arcane #meme #it’s always sunny in philly #can i offer you a nice egg in this trying time?#heimerdinger #viktor #viktor arcane #arcane viktor #funny #spoof

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ineedfairypee · 28 days

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No one:

Easter: Can I offer you a nice egg in this trying time?

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iirulancorrino · 1 year

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I cannot believe you are how I found out Gordon Lightfood died

I'm sorry/you're welcome

#a literal 'can I offer you a nice meme in this trying time'

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livin4mybabes · 11 months

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You need to do it | charles leclerc (twitter au)

paring: charles leclerc x reader summary: you and charles' fans are tired of his broken phone so you'll do something about it. warnings: none author's note: I'm back after many months, I hope you liked this story because I enjoyed writing it and I've been wanting to write about it for a long time because I thought it was so funny how people were complaining about Charles's phone, well, as I always say... english is not my first language so pardon me if there are mistakes —feel free to tell me—

"So, Char... we're going shopping today," you said to your boyfriend as you sat next to him on the couch.

"What do you mean when you say "we"?" He dropped his phone and turned his attention to you.

"Obviously you and me."

"Love, you know I love spending time with you but I just don't feel like it today. Why don't you ask Gemma?" He said as he tilted his head.

"Baby, it's been a while since we've hung out, it would be nice to do it to distract you a bit, please" You said as you climbed on his lap and pouted trying to convince him.

"Y/n" "Charlessss, please"

"Alright, come on" He finally said and you squealed with happiness. He couldn't resist not saying "no" for so long, he always or almost always gave in.

The whole idea had appeared after a few weeks when you were on your phone scrolling through twitter, you found many fans laughing and complaining about Charles' broken phone, which had been like that for two months and it seemed that every time it was cracking a little bit more. Although you had suggested changing it, he replied that he would, then said he didn't have time to go and buy one, which seemed a bit silly to you as he could buy one from the online shop and even you had offered to go and buy him one but somehow or other he refused so you thought this would be the opportunity to force him to do it.

Arriving at the mall you started to walk around, entering some clothing shops for you and some for Charles. Regardless of the goal you wanted to accomplish today, you loved going out with Charles anywhere, but shopping with him was great because it was like going out with your best friend. He would help you pick out clothes, he would tell you how you looked —to him, everything on you looked amazing "you look beautiful mon amour, it looks like everything you try on is made for you"— so yes, you loved shopping with him.

You did the same with him, you would try to help him find clothes that matched and he would buy them, but he always seemed to forget how to match them because his outfit in the paddock indicated that.

Eventually, you would go to the shop to make him buy it.

"Charles, I'm hungry." The idea is that near the food court, there was the Apple shop, so " casually" you would walk in there.

"Yeah, me too, let's see what we can find."

Right, your plan was working.

You started walking around the shop a bit until you decided it was a good idea to suggest a new mobile phone.

"Baby, don't you think it's time to change your phone? I mean, it works, but... at some point it won't, and..."

"You too? My fans keep making fun of it." He said pretending to be offended.

"Charles, your phone is broken as... I don't even know how you can still use it..." "Because it still works," he cut you off.

"You literally can't even see the full screen, the text and even the memes you try to show me I can't even see them because of how broken it is" I said laughing trying to make him reason.

And certainly every time he wanted to show you a funny tweet, you couldn't even see it so you didn't understand how he was still laughing at something he DIDN'T SEE.

"Besides, you have to change it because you will lose all your photos, videos because you told me you didn't pay for iCloud so you say..." You said as you headed to the checkout to pay for the charger which of course you don't need but could be useful at some point.

That's when Charles started to think about the cons of not changing his phone. Even though it was broken, it still worked, but eventually it would stop working and as you were right, he would lose all his photos, which included photos of the two of you and that would hurt, so....

"See, it wasn't that hard to do. You see, it wasn't that hard to do it. 'Don't worry, I'll help you set it up quickly,' you said smiling as you hugged him by the waist and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"I can't believe you convinced me, you have a power over me..." "We all know that, now let's go home we might need our first pictures with your new mobile phone."

"Char, we can go into Apple, I think I need a new charger because mine doesn't work anymore."

"But, you didn't have...?" You pulled him towards the shop without letting him finish his sentence.

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thatdeadaquarius · 6 months

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imagine if reader is given an ancient scripture from around the time humanity founded out how to write and do the alphabet (somehow it was preserved so well that you can still see the words with no issue)

and it's the most heart wrenching, soul crushing, tear inducing, hyperventilating, sanity disappearing angst, misunderstandings, hurt/no comfort, it gets worse but never better, major character death, unrequited love story to have ever existed in teyvat.

and after reader goes through the whole thing, they can barely talk or breathe properly with how much they're crying.

(even better, it was smut not angst and reader is staring ar the scripture, jaw dropped to the floor with shaking hands.)

STOP- I avoid fanfics like that at all costs 😭 id stop reading it after the first angsty event LMAO

Im like... too emotionally affected by fanfics, esp angst ones 💀

Its just, ppl who write closer to my generation or just very psychologically honestly, are like fucking deadly writers. Got my day ruined and shit w/just fanfics 😭

LMAO THE GIF IS JUST YOU ON THE SPOT NOT EVEN HALFWAY THRU-

☆

Sun: Gender Neutral Reader (you/they/them)

Orbit: Short! Headcanons-ish

Stars: my first of the Fontians!! Fontainianes? Fontainains?? u get it

Comets & Meteors: Content Warnings: sobbing, discussion of vague smut/NSFW book at the end, okay for Teen/Mature audiences, & Trigger Warnings: none known.

no but it’d be hilarious if u got this crazy like hand-width deep tablet for each “page” of the book, like how every novel or info in genshin is like one page at a time 😭

Sumeru and other international academics are literally constantly harassing politely requesting your translation of these and sending them to you in whichever country you’re visiting at the moment

Fontaine was even more complex and pretty in real life than it could ever be in game and i can def see you at like Neuvillette’s office or a nice french fontaine cafe and just WHAM

huge ass tablet bc as much as the fic tortures you, you have to know what the fuck happens to these miserable idiots

Neuvillette, Clorinde, and Lynette are all the type to immediately try and dissuade you from reading it again, bc from their point of view you just pull out this huge old rock and start sobbing quietly about 10 mins into the read every time 😭😭

(unsurprisingly, Neuvillette would even go so far as to get the Marechaussee Phantom to sneakily steal ur most recent tablets of the story to hide them, which sucks for you LMAO)

Freminet, Wriothesley, Navia, Lyney, and Furina,all frantically try to distract you, and also theyre in order of who would be the most dramatic w/it lmao

NO BC I JUST HAD THE THOUGHT-

Ur tears absolutely are top priority to Neuvillette and Furina so when they inevitably find the memories in them (and the traveler too maybe)

of what the story is about, except its like all the feelings and stuff, so like its the best “translation” they get of the book so far, u best believe it rains for a week straight

it started out as a light drizzle, but as Neuvillette “read on” in ur tear’s memories if got worse HAHA

mans is out here trying to convince himself like, “this is a classic tragedy from eons ago, its about a human romance, im definitely unaffected, though im glad i could figure out what ails My Majesty so”

meanwhile the story gets worse and its just like that meme “ohHHhhhHH its got a little kiicckkk”

Neuvillette nearly floods the streets by chapter 5 when the miscommunication happens and then they cant get in contact with each other to fix it lmao

LMAO I JUST HAD A VISIONNN

ur in fontaine and while yes drinks were popular (like obv fonta)

business is rlly booming bc now everyone you know (like the Vision-users or archons Neuvill, etc) all have develop this habit of having a water bottle or drink on them to offer you when u start reading to rehydrate you 😭😭😭

Navia, Clorinde, Neuvillette, Wriothesley, Lyney, Lynette all have a handkerchief on them at all times too 😭😭

Good God-

the moment you translate the now instant Shakespearean-level tragedy classic, it is a known tear-jerker thruout all of Teyvat,

like theres trigger warnings and age limits and shit 💀

◇

on another note,

if its smut,

ur desperately combing thru all the tablets and wall carvings and cave paintings to try and lowkey cover it up LMAO

and its not like a story with a smut scene either, its like what anon said,

just fully like the ao3 tag “Porn What Plot/Porn With Plot”

STOP

not u yanking the tablets out of Neuvillette’s hands when he curiously picks them up one time lmao

(he is now invested in getting these translated too bc of ur reaction lol)

☆

consider supporting me with an iced coffee? :0

Spooky Season! Spooky Season!! Spooky Season!!!

still not dead btw

just got hired at my new job so ive been training and busy!! :)

im a host at Olive Garden lol its weird and kinda hard, my feet hurt a lot and i havent had a full shift yet ;-; its a brand new one so it opens the 23rd

dw that eldritch one shot is still coming btw, just talking with betas and editing it now lol

hope if you read this you have a great upcoming weekend!!

Safe Travels Anon,

💀♒

☆

If you wanna join a taglist, DM me what for! "Pspspsss, please tag me for [All SAGAU posts, Only SAGAU Language AUs, diff fandom, etc.]!"

(If you ever wanna drop, just DM me! "No more taglists/[specifically this AU/fandom] please!")

☆

♡the beloveds♡

@karmawonders / @0rah-s / @randomnatics / @glxssynarvi / @nexylaza / @genshin-impacts-me / @wholesomey-artist / @thedevioussmirk / @the-dumber-scaramouche / @chocogi / @fallen-starr / @areaderofbooks / @devilangel657

#hello #its me #reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated #if anyone was reporting my death #ironic bc of my user #<3 cant wait to post that one shot #hope u guys will like it #its the eldritch au 1000+ followers celeb if u remember #sagau #genshin isekai #genshin imagines #genshin sagau #genshin impact #aqua asks #my asks #genshin impact sagau #genshin self aware #genshin x reader #gender neutral reader

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absolutely-not-my-main-blog · 3 months

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Before watching Sunny I was like vaguely aware of its existence and I'd see meme templates from the show all the time on my dash and it was like yeah, that's normal, didn't phase me, but after watching Sunny, every meme or screenshot of them in the wild is a jump scare and existential crisis in one because I'm like in spite of everything the odds really are that most of these people don't even really know them, can I offer you a nice egg in this trying time and Pepe Sylvia and etc. are the only context they've ever been exposed to, they don't know, oh my god they don't know they don't know

#iasip #text #anmmbposts #it's always sunny in philadelphia #been seeing a lot of memes today from non sunny blogs and it's nothing new but it just feels so odd

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neroushalvaus · 5 months

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Tumblr in the 60s – Part 2

Part 1 / Deleted Scenes

💁🏼‍♀️brigittebardots Follow

anyone want to get fake married so i can get the pill to slut around

💋 marrymetwiggy Follow

Just say you have painful monthlies, I heard it works if you have a nice doctor!

💫 treatmetendermaureen Follow

Remember you still should use the sheet whenever possible. Stay safe ♡

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♒ let-the-sunshine-in Follow

i think there's something wrong with me, i'm just so sleepy all the time, it's not fair

👭 marvelettesofficial Follow

That's because you spend all your nights listening to radio luxembourg

♒ let-the-sunshine-in Follow

i heard nothing last night so i built an antenna out of poultry net, iron wire and bits of tin. i cut my fingers and our family chickens ran away

☁️ ankin-vaimo Follow

A small price to pay for some music.

♒ let-the-sunshine-in Follow

the antenna fell apart before the german guy stopped talking

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🗣 ilovejohnlennon-deactivated19660729

me: chilling

my brain: if you were shot and weren't sure whether you'd live or die should you call the cops to make sure your murderer gets caught or call the ambulance to increase your chance of survival

me: what

🗣 elviskneesofficial-deactivated19631119

There should be a number that'd reach both of those

🕺 elvisherselvis Follow

That number already exists. It's been used in my city for like a two decades.

🏆 petebest-or-bust Follow

🕺 elvisherselvis Follow

Fuck you I'm British.

🪛 patrickwhoghton Follow

Oh my G, this post from -62 sounds so prophetic now that they're trying to make the 911 thing catch on, where's that jagger meme

🖖 spock-in-tardis Follow

🕺 elvisherselvis Follow

This is literally not gift of prophecy. I told you back when this post was first made that this number has already existed in UK for years. It was obviously going to spread elsewhere, even US was bound to catch on at some point.

🏆 petebest-or-bust Follow

you are still here?? keeping an eye on this post??

💋 marrymetwiggy Follow

you're so grumpy @elvisherselvis maybe you should phone the emergency number and get a wahhh-mbulance

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📼 bisexualbarbaradane Follow

my date: Oh I listen to folk as well!

me: That's so cool! Who are your favourites?

my date: I'm sooo into Bob Dylan.

me:

my date: Is everything okay?

me, stuffing jelly babies into my purse: I have to go, like, right now, immediately, sorry

#it's okay if you liked dylan before he became the judas he is #but you can't call yourself a folk fan if you still support him #ugghh i hate him #electric guitar using lil bitch #sigh #jelly baby meme #bob dylan critical // #anti bob dylan // #bob dylan hate //

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🛸 premisendgame Follow

Cock and balls, I'm watching this previously banned american film where an american man is trying to fuck a soviet spy (played by famously very russian Greta Garbo) by offering her champagne and he is like "have you never had champagne?" and Greta is like "never 🥺 only goat's milk and a ration of vodka in the army" and the tv screen freezed and was like "ERROR!! CHAMPAGNE HAS BEEN SERVED IN SOVIET UNION SINCE 1936" I'm 😂😂😂

🪐 stalincredible Follow

You Americans will say anything to make Soviet stuff look silly

🛸 premisendgame Follow

Where do you think I am watching soviet tv from?? Or did I miss the memo where americans have the monopoly on joking about their own damn country??

322 notes

🥁 ringoforpresident Follow

"In future there will be telephones you can take with you anywhere" I can't even fucking listen to Radio Luxembourg without building a goddamn satellite, sending it to space, reciting spells and prayers, and sticking the radio out of the window at 2am EET. And even then it needs to be snowing for it to work because the radio wave fairies like snow or some shit

♒ let-the-sunshine-in Follow

preach

540 notes

#this probably won't be very popular because some of these are very niche but i had fun #is the radio luxembourg station being impossible to listen to an universal experience?#i feel like older people in finland have a permanent chip on their shoulder because listening to it was so hard #there is a possibility ninotchka is doing a little time travel here; i remember this corrected version was shown at some point #but it may have been later #anyway just enjoy the ride #tumblr in the 60s #1960s #dashboard simulator #fake dashboard #60s #unreality

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absolutepokemontrash · 11 months

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What time is it? Time for Stupid Headcanons!

So, you all know those “weird little girl” memes where we all talk about how we do blood oaths and sacrifices and ancient ceremonies to summon elder gods into this mortal plane during sleepovers? Yeah.

The most popular of those memes involves the summoning of demons, of course~ so can you imagine the brothers getting summoned??

I’m reality, I think they’d just leave immediately after seeing their summoners are just a bunch of preteens who had no clue what the fuck they were messing with…

All but the king of sleepovers himself, ASMODEUS

Little Girl 1: So… you’re a demon?

Asmodeus (braiding her hair): Mhm~ <3

Little Girl 2: Does that mean you can like… steal people’s souls n’ stuff.

Asmodeus: Eh, only sometimes when I’m feeling particularly crazy~

——————

Little Girl 1: Do you think Jason likes me?

Asmodeus: Honey no, from what you’ve told me you deserve better than him.

Little Girl 3: See! That’s what we’ve been trying to tell you!

Asmodeus: But that girl he’s seeing, Jessica, do you want me to kill her for you? Like- summoners choice. I’m down. She sounds like a bitch.

Little Girl 1: …mmm.. I dunno. I feel like it’d take a lot of therapy for me to get over.

Asmodeus: Fair~ but the offer’s still on the table for later~

———————-

Asmodeus: So, as much as I like hanging out with you girls, I have to ask…

Asmodeus: Do any of you have some single parents~? Or a lonely widower father who needs some action? Ooo, or a recently divorced mom who needs to take a new man for a spin?

Little Girl 2: Well uh… my mom’s divorced.

Asmodeus: Ooo~ show me a picture~

Asmodeus: …niiiiiiice~ okay~ see you girls later~! Thanks for summoning me~ this was really cute!

Little Girl 3: Bro I think he’s gonna fuck your mom.

Little Girl 1: Did we just have a sleepover with your new demon step-dad?

Little Girl 2: EW!

Little Girl 2: …but it’d be cool to have a stepdad that can braid hair so nicely-

#obey me #obey me!#obey me! shall we date?#obey me shall we date #obey me Asmodeus #obey me shitpost #obey me headcanons #obey me headcanon #obey me! headcanon #obey me! headcanons #obey me crack #obey me! crack

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batwritings · 4 months

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Hii, I hope you're doing well! Can I please ask for headcannons for the brothers and dateables (if not everyone, you can choose, but please write for Lucifer, mammon and barbatos) would react if MC offers to put chapstick on their lips.

I know it's a strange ask, but imagine this scenario: It's gotten really cold suddenly (in? On? At?) the devildom and MC notices said character has chapped lips and seems very uncomfortable with it. She offers them her (can be gn!reader but I'm using she/her for better explaining) chapstick and they deny, but she insistist in putting on them, and they feel giddy because she's caring so softly for them 😭😭😭

I in the vibe of soft casual love, stay warm and hydrated 🫶🩷🩷🩷🩷

I don't think this is strange at all! Soft caring actions like that are honestly cute as fuck to me. Enjoy!~

Lucifer The absolute quickest to deny you. The great and powerful Lucifer? Receiving a smidgen of help??? The greatest travesty in all the realms, clearly. But bat your eyes and maybe bring him some Demonus and he might crack. Once you get it on, he didn't realize just how badly his lips were chapped. You'll be offered a small thanks, and a promise of something more substantial for a reward once he has more free time.

Mammon How could the cold affect the great Mammon so much? He simply didn't believe you at first. Fun fact, he knew damn well his lips were chapped as fuck. He just really didn't want to admit he needed the help. Simply subdue him with a kiss after putting on the chap stick and he'll be a puddle of grimm in your hands.

Leviathan <Insert MC doing the inhale "BOI" meme here> Being a shut-in means Levi doesn't exactly get out into the cold much. Therefor, he's a little more susceptible to the effects of the cold than his brothers. One trip to get a new Ruri-chan figurine and he's got chapped lips for days. Thankfully he has you to thoughtfully apply chapstick to his lips which leaves him with a persistent blush every time the two of you cross paths.

Satan Oh? It honestly hadn't crossed his mind. While he's no Asmo, Satan does take pretty good care of himself. He's actually the most lenient of the brothers in letting you help. If this were the Nightbringer universe, he's fight you a bit more. Yet the wrestle session would be a nice release for his anger, even if he couldn't go full force on you. He'd thank you by letting you put the chapstick on, blushing in denial of enjoying the attention.

Asmodeus Asmo, sweetheart, darling, you can't use lip gloss as chapstick, I'm sorry. And that'll be his excuse, mark my words! You have to explain to him that sadly, most gloss doesn't cover the chapping and he'll be more than amenable to let you put it on him. In true Asmo-chan fashion, of course he'll need to test it on you, just to be sure. A reward for helping him always look beautiful.

Beelzebub This man's gonna try to eat the chapstick, and no, you cannot convince me otherwise. You know how people see a big animal and go "if not friend, why friend shaped"? Beel, sweet himbo lad that he is will legit ask you, "if not food, why food smelling?". Did you have to reapply it multiple times because he kept licking it off? Yes. Did he complain to you every time that it didn't taste nearly as good as it smelled? Also yes. Did he learn his lesson? Nope!

Belphegor He spends ONE (1) NIGHT up in the observatory and ends up with chapped lips. It's rather annoying to him, and he genuinely doesn't hear you the first few times when you offer to put chapstick on for him. Belphie will deny it at first purely on the basis of "I'm not a little kid just because I'm the youngest". Just wait til he gets too tired to fight you on it and you'll get a mumbled little "thank you" before becoming his favorite pillow. Hope you have nothing to do for the next few hours.

Solomon Unsurprisingly enough, it wasn't the cold that got him! It was a spell gone wrong in trying to make a chapstick that would never let your lips chap again. Solomon sighs very defeatedly and sits back with a pout as he lets you put the balm on his lips. For practice purposes, he has you sit down and look over the ingredients to see where he went wrong. May or may not purposefully mess it up again to have you so close again.

Simeon You can't tell me this man wouldn't absentmindedly pick at the chapped parts of his lips. He can't be perfect forever ya'll, he's gotta be a little weird like the rest of us. (/j) You actually catch him in the act which makes Simeon fluster and admit to forgetting his chapstick in his room. His denial of attention and care for you is half-hearted and he very quickly crumbles at the chance to be so close to you. Maybe he'll have to forget his chapstick more often.

Barbatos This man is far too busy to realize his lips were chapped. It was one of those rare instances that you two crossed paths that you noticed and offered to put some on for him. In another rare instance, you notice Barbatos blush slightly because he didn't realize he'd looked so out of sorts. He had meetings with Lord Diavolo later that day as well, so yes! Please! Quickly! You make sure to add a generous amount in the hopes that it would last him through his meetings.

Diavolo His lips were chapped? Truly? It's only then that the demon lord to be realizes how absolutely flooded he'd been and that Barbatos had even told him about that earlier in the day. When you offer, Diavolo tries to politely decline, asking you not to waste what you have on him. It only takes a few minutes of remembering how busy he'll be and how this is absolutely a chance to know even a smidgen more info about you that he relents and lets you apply it gingerly to his lips.

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bonny-kookoo · 7 months

Text

Jungkook

Dearly Beloved 🔞 Final.

In which you've got a crush on your coworker- and a stalker problem.

Tags/Warnings: I do not condone any of Jungkooks questionable actions, this is fiction, soft Yandere!Jungkook, stalking, criminal actions (trespassing, stealing), obsession, he's really not quite right in the head, mc is kind of stupid for not involving police but wbk

Additional Chapter Warnings: insert 'oh no' tiktok meme here.

Length: long?

There is no taglist for this fic.

-> Masterlist

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He's gonna do it. He has to. What if he misses his chance? You already love him.

You just don't know it yet.

But the entire day at the office, someone steals your attention away. There's always someone standing at your desk, asking pointless things, chasing you around like a slave for things that could've been a fucking e-mail. Why do you need to go and copy something for Yaerin when she's got to working legs?

Maybe if she didn't wear those high heels she constantly trips in she would be able to do her job correctly. Or maybe she's simply a viper, trying to work you down until you burn out, unable to offer this place anymore of your energy. She's done it before. She'll do it again.

People like her disgust him. She's rotten to the core, especially considering how she constantly soils the office seats in the meeting room with her disgusting perfume every time she fucks another one of the higher ups in there. He knows it's happening, has walked in on her and a CEO once- and while he told her that her secret was safe with him, he really only did it to have something up his sleeve if he ever needed her for something.

Does that make him just as rotten as her? Maybe. But all is fair in love and war.

He can't help but fidget at this point, watching how you clearly try and stay nice to a coworker currently attempting to convince you to go drinking with everyone after this shift. You don't like karaoke, you don't even drink in social settings because it makes you anxious- Jungkook knows these things.

He would never ask something of you that you're not comfortable with- he'd take you out for your favorite fast food instead to eat it in the car while listening to crappy pop-songs on the radio. That's what you love.

You've mentioned it before. And he never forgets those things.

Who's that man to you anyways? He can sense the tenseness in your muscles as the guy leans on your table, clearly taking up space and showing that he's not going to leave anytime soon- and Jungkook feels his anger grow inside his chest. You don't like this guy. He needs to get him away from you.

"Uh- Steven, right?" Jungkook meekly asks, the man's face snapping to him with an annoyed smile.

"Yeah. What's up kook?" He jokes as if they're best buddies.

They're not. Jungkook couldn't care less if the guy died in a ditch.

"I think Yaerin wanted to talk to you about something being wrong with the calculations for last month?" Jungkook stammers, needing to uphold his image. And also, he can't help it- his emotions make him quiver a bit, muscles unable to stay still as he rubs his hands. "She said it's urgent." He presses.

That's actually only half a lie. It's not urgent- but that whore did want to talk to him about something. There probably won't be much talking involved except maybe a command to take his dick further down her throat- but Jungkook doesn't care what they do. The only thing he does care about is that he fucking leaves.

Which he does, finally, making Jungkook take in a deep breath as he watches the man walk off.

"Thank you so much." You say behind him, and when Jungkook turns around to look at you, you're gazing at him with such warm eyes he feels his trembling body levitate on nothing but thin air. Everything's alright again- if he could look at you like this for the next years of his life, he'd thank every god in existence for it. "I have.. a hard time telling people no." You sigh, running your hands over your face.

"That's.. that's fine." Jungkook nods, a little awkwardly, smiling back. "I'm not that.. good at it either." He chuckles, and you laugh along, already feeling a lot better.

"Do you.. uhm.." You look at your keyboard for a second before you lick your lips- is that new lipgloss you wear? Or did you eat something that stained them? Jungkook isn't sure, but he wants a taste. "Do you wanna.. grab a drink or two after work with me?" You wonder, rushing the sentence out, and Jungkook's lips part a little, eyes round and open as they stare you down with their boba-pearl charm.

"Uh- yes! Yes, sure!" He nods, closing his mouth, before he pats his pants, looking for his phone. "W-wait, I'll uh- I'll give you my number!" He rushes out, writing it down with trembling hands on a sticky note, before offering it to you, who smiles shyly.

"Alright!" You nod. "I'll.. see you tonight then?" You ask, and Jungkook nods, entire body set aflame.

"Tonight."

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He fucked up.

He's pacing in front of your door because you surely know. You had to have found out- there's no way you didn't. The moment you texted him, he knew you knew-

because he gave you the wrong number. In his panic, he gave you a number you already have.

Is the police on its way? Did you call the cops? Or another friend maybe to beat the shit out of him? You must be terrified, creeped out to no ends, and he can't blame you. What the hell did he even do? This isn't right.

"Jungkook?" You ask, ripping him out of whatever panicked episode he was going through, wild eyes staring at you who's looking at him with an unreadable expression.

It's quiet as you stare each other down, tension able to be cut with a knife for a good while, before you speak.

"You could've.. just said something." You mumble, and Jungkook isn't sure what you mean. There's a variety of things and situations this sentence could apply to- and he doesn't want to out himself if he's not caught yet. If there's just a simple chance of getting away with it, he will take it. "Do you... like me this much?" You ask, and he's swallowing thickly now.

You clearly want an answer, but he doesn't know in what context. What is he supposed to say.

"I mean, I knew something was off when.." you explain, playing with the strings of your hoodie as you fumble with your words. "When.. I wasn't scared." You admit.

"Because it was you all along."

His entire body grows cold, veins freezing over as he gets his confirmation. You know. You know, and you're probably going to tell him next that you've already asked for a restraining order-

Wait. What do you mean by you weren't scared?

"Do you want to.. come in with permission this time?" You ask, trying to lighten the mood, but he's confused. This isn't the reaction he thought he'd get.

"I-" he starts, stammers. "I'm sorry." He presses out. "I don't.. I just-" he fails to find appropriate words because he really doesn't know why he's like this. He knows it's a problem, he knows he's sick- it's obvious, that little sane part of him is aware of the pure wrongness of his actions up until now.

"I know." You say, nodding, before you step aside to let him inside.

"I can't." Jungkook denies. "I can't- I shouldn't, I'm not- don't let me in, don't ever let me in-" he worries, unsure what's wrong with him now. Is this what realization feels like?

If that's the case, he wants to go back to insanity, because this is torturous.

"Its fine." You reassure. "You're.. I'd really hate to see you leave right now." You deny, offering compassion. "You're not well right now." You say, and he agrees.

But he's never been well ever since he met you almost a year ago.

He'll never be well.

"You're too.. you shouldn't. I might hurt you." He explains in a hurry.

"You won't." You deny. You're not sure why you're so convinced about it- maybe because he's had the chance to hurt you so many times and didn't. Or maybe because you're so lonely that you'll take this love no matter how tainted it is.

"Please come inside." You ask once more.

And slowly, with great hesitance, does he enter your home, painfully wringing his hands as if to keep himself occupied.

"When my mom had a brain stroke, years ago, she changed a lot." You explain, walking in to fill up two glasses of water before you set them on the coffee table in the living room area, sitting down on the couch right after- inviting him.

He takes the invitation. His eyes sting with unshed tears.

"She suddenly hated me. Hated almost everyone." You remember. "The doctors said that it can happen. That if we.. injure just a tiny little specific part of our brains, our whole personality changes." You retell, and Jungkook listens, unsure where to look now.

He's been here before, but he's never seen the apartment with the lights on.

"But we still got along until she passed." You nod. "She went to therapy, and reconnected with me and her old friends." You say.

"I'm.. I think I know what you're suggesting-" he says, before he puts his face in his hands. "But I don't want to." He denies.

"Why not?" You worry with a soft tone. "Jungkook, you're not a bad person. You just need help." You offer.

"But what if my love for you is just mental illness?!" He yells out, panicked, eyes now leaking tears. "I don't want them to kill that. I want to stay- I want to stay sick if it means that I still love you.." he weeps, looking at you with desperation.

"Then we'll rebuild it." You shrug easily. "I'll make you love me again." You say, and Jungkook breaks.

"C-can I touch you?" He whimpers from the other side of the couch. "Just a bit?" He wonders, and you nod, opening your arms.

Welcoming him, because he's not a threat or a danger or a monster.

He's just a little sick.

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