#cannot make this shit up if you tried

[pepprs]

my depression is getting really really bad. like it’s been bad before but this is like… consistently really bad. like a long unending stretch for several weeks (and tbh months) now. to the point where no inoculation actually sticks (and im isolating myself from most of my inoculations anyway and feel unable to stop doing it even though i know it’s self destructive). im either helplessly unbearably miserable or numbing out on video games. i just don’t feel like it’s going to get better for me and i KNOW that is factually untrue but the feeling is louder than the knowledge and it’s just utterly immobilizing. ive been sinking in quicksand for 2 years.

#purrs #longer than that too ofc but i think ever since i moved to campus in 2021 and shit started hitting the fan my life just started snowballing #and picked up speed majorly when i moved back home and ive been stuck in this horrible limbo ever since. like im scaring myself with how #deeply profoundly unhappy and unwell i am. i am just detached and scattered and bewildered by everything. and the only way to break free is #to fight it but i don’t even have the strength. like in order to fight it i have to have the strength and it s exactly the thing that is #being stolen from me. and i work really really hard to suppress it when im around people so no one can tell but on the inside im being eaten #alive and every day that goes on the pain gets harder to bear except im numb most of the time so i can’t tell except for when i can #one of the things that makes me saddest is ive pushed everyone away either by ghosting them or scaring them. when what i want and need the #most is love and comfort. but then when i get it it isn’t enough. idk. im not explaining it well i just feel like. horrible. unbearably #i think i need to go on meds like i truly cannot go on like this not even in a s*i cidal way it’s like i just can’t take living like this #delete later #i know im causing the people who love me pain by being unable to accept that they do love me and that’s the worst fucking part. is hurting #people by being like this. scaring people by being like this. and being so disconnected from myself #and feeling completely and utterly beyond help like nothing ive tried has fixed it but also there are a lot of things i haven’t tried but i #feel so terrible or my freedom is limited so i can’t. idk. #also the crushing knowledge / sense that i have lost the most precious important years of my life both bc of the lockdown and bc of mental #illness lol. except that’s not true bc of all the stuff abt how your best years are always ahead of you and you can make them. but it doesnt #feel like it for me and then i beat myself up bc my job is literally to exude that belief and help other ppl feel it and i increasingly cant #i remember in high school having the thought that one day i could be depressed and being conscious that i wasn’t and now i look back on that #and am like… how. and will i ever not be. i don’t think so. it just feels unending

[mementoasts]

jonathan sims head archivist of the magnus institute london

#IM JUST POSTING HIM RANDOMLY BECAUSE I CANNOOOOOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME DRAW ANYONE ELSE. I HAVE APHANTASIA MAN IT'S HARD OUT HERE #i just started season 3 and heard him mention the graying hair i was like hm.. what if i tried drawring some characters. #i'm actually super happy with how he looks... i had some prior inspiration bc i followed one artist who's posted fanart b4-- #(which is how i first heard of the series) and so i already kinda had a picture of him in my head bc of that (i love their art sdfghgfdjh) #so i was jus sketchin and i was like.... yeah this looks ok. i wanted his hair to be kinda just pokin up every which way in front-- #--because i imagine him constantly running a hand through it. otherwise it'd look nice n tidy. i just sketched til it looked good enough #the eyes were easy because i wanted sharp and tired. the color was just me testin shit out and being like oooo that looks pretty #the outfit..... i just googled some like business casual stuff LOL. i thought it looked nice #bag and flashlight because he's dungeon crawling #he's also filipino for no reason other than i said so #OHHH YEAH freckles. freckles are cute. also worm scars. #i gotta say i didn't wanna put glasses on him but i thought he looked nakey without em.. but also it might be bc i was strugglin w lineart #the glasses make him look younger i think. which is bad!! he needs to look at least 35!!! #i dunno if i have it in me to draw the others;;;;;;;;;; martin i can't figure out a color scheme for-- and tim & sasha.... waauugghhh.... #it's hhhhaaardd because when i'm like reading anything i cannot *picture* characters.... i just get like..... a feeling yknow..... #again i already had some vague images for jon (and martin) bc i saw fanart before lol so that's what showed up in my head #i have a good *feeling* of what sasha should look like but i cannot for the life of me draw it.... #i keep sketching and going “noo this doesn't look like her” <- i DON'T know what she looks like #i've somehow instead ended up with a sketch that really feels like melanie tho lmao #if you're somehow at the bottom of this long ramble i will send you $500. #the void given form

[dysaniadisorder]

i am so sick of all in-community homophobia & transphobia being blamed on teenagers shut the fuck up i was raised by a butch woman do u know the amount of 25-year-olds who have claimed to be elders and told me not to use neos or say the word queer. a lot ok

#the sheer amount of queer teens in shit households. who do not believe they'll live to thirty. #years pass and one thing stays consistent adults are fffucking assholes #like. yeah. even the theater kid who's annoying about the terms twink and bear is still misgendered every minute of every day #like do u know how little we are even encouraged to know... i dont even see ppl having hope for us at this point #somewhere it went from 'queer kids; read queer books!!' #to 'gay babies are all sooo homophobic and they don't even know it' #shut up shut up i hate you. you cannot blame the entire communities problems on someone who's writing an essay on the pearl #shout out to my cw teacher who reccomended me a book; told me the main character was gay in the 1920's and winked at me #triple negative shout out to the 20-smth lesbian who tried making casual conversation w me about how she knows all her bi friends #are either special straight women or lesbians in denial. and i went ahaha. mhm. im gonna go #u guys are losing fucking sight................. anyways #just a rant ignore this

[alexbkrieger13]

#You cannot make this shit up if you tried

[moriphyte]

just debated a zionist at work i need a fuckin smoke

#told him to look up the definition of genocide and then come back and tell me i’m wrong #like i get that you’re brainwashed by our government to think being against israel equals antisemitism #but that is not the case #you think you’re doing the right thing #but in reality you’re excusing a fucking genocide #and anyone who knows anything about judaism knows that israel and the shit they’re doing is a disgusting affront to the jewish faith #like i wouldn’t normally share my opinion on this unprompted but this teacher too it upon himself to argue w one of my students #and i couldn’t stop myself from saying something #i tried but the shit he was saying was making me furious #so i took the kids side and gave my own two cents and he dismissed me just the same #fuck him tho #we won the debate #but really the wik goes to my one student for being endlessly informed and patient enough to explain it #i told him j admire that like i woulda jjst walked out #i know i’m not supposed to voice any controversial opinions here at this fucking job in this fucking place i know very well is corrupt #but liek #i cant just fucjing sit there and listen to you excuse fucking ethnic cleansing without speaking up #i don’t care #morally i cannot stand by and listen to that shit without saying something #p

[thenarrativefoil]

WHY DID HOUSE TAKE WILSON AND WILSON'S EX WIFE ON A REALLY GOOD DATE?? AND THEN FUCKING THREATENED HER LIFE BASICALLY???

#house md #I MEAN I KNOW WHY #if you pretend #wait 13 wearing ren garb #WAIT THE KING TRIED TO KILL THE KNIGHT BC THE KNITE AND THE QUEEN WERE SECRETLY IN LOVE #THESE REN COSTUMES ARE P GOOD #but the hemlock isnt even killing him omg.... #wait girlie just ate house for breakfast #WHY IS HE KISSING THE SWORD #IS HOUSE FUCKING #PLEDGING HIMSELF TO WILSON BY KISSING THE SWORD???!!!!!??? #wait 13 relationship advice #these camp ass mfs put a big ass confidential sticker on that envelope #omg house's leg started hurting bc he missed wilson and he had to make his peace with having to take ibuprophen for when wilson wasnt there #i CANNOT make this shit up

[muppetminge]

look i'm not going to pretend like my generation didn't have models that weighed less than a bag of sand and airbrushing in the magazines and all that shit because we did and that was fucked up too

but i get so like. genuinely freaked out by like filters on social media and those kinds of things. it makes me worry for the girls who are growing up with these things as normal. i just can't help but feel like a filter that tries to *correct* your fucking face in real time must be so so so much worse than what we had? even just the "silly/fun" ones still smooth out your skin and shave off half your nose and reshape your face. so many phones have magic smoothing as an automatic feature on the front cams. so it's like not even an active choice or something you're aware of. and so much of this world is based on selfies and videos so you're gonna be seeing it *constantly*. you take a selfie for fun but the photo is unrecognisable. it's not you. if that's not a breeding ground for body dysmorphia i don't know what is.

and we knew that those "model standards" were unrealistic and unattainable and they still fucked us up! but today you're seeing your peers all made up like that online and logically that must connect into a feeling of like. that should be attainable? but it's still not! and idk but that can't be fucking healthy.

it just feels like to me there's a difference between seeing heidi klum or whoever and then your classmate maria posting pictures with perfect skin, straightened nose, whitened teeth. it's like the insane otherworldly standards we grew up with has been pulled down into everyday life. idk i just don't think it's coincidence that today we have 15 year olds sharing anti-aging routines and wearing 5 layers of makeup just to leave the house. the standards for a normal face has been digitally altered

#mona mona mona #anti beauty industry #anti beauty culture #maybe i'm just being old lady yells at cloud idk but it makes me so uncomfortable #also like those ai filters that seem to define woman by long hair and makeup #anyway i tried one of those “fun” filters on sc and it just. genuinely didn't look like me #like that's not my face. that's not my nose that's not my jaw that's not my cheekbones that's not my facial structure #and like. imagine growing up in that world. shit dude #and then it's like scroll on and see tradwives. and bimbocore. and oh girls so silly dumb haha. and you know everything bad in the west is #ecause of women's rights' #you cannot tell me that does not affect the worldview of young girls!!!!! #like i grew up with pink feminism and girlpower tm and yknow it had its faults but it was better thsn this bullshit i'll fucking say

[pickyperkypenguin]

And I should be on the lookout. It is not working out.

#well i tried bc that place has incredibly solid advantages #but it seems it's another thing where i don't use what talents i have and instead i do in a very mediocre way #apparently from the outside it looks like i am tired to the point of loosing the will to life #and as much as i have that sense in me rather skewed and comparing to my lowest i feel i am maybe not flying but surely not crawling #in the mud and certainly not scratching from beneath #my closest people are concerned #and my wife told me frankly 'you don't have to feel like shit when you are working' #it is something i don't really even remember as a possibility #trauma really fucks up some responses and boudaries eh? #my survival instinct has been really sanded down to a minimum #that is not helpful at all #now when i don't want to die as an everyday obvious thing #i struggle to remember that i can walk away from environments and situations that make me feel like i'm simultaneously drowning and being #burned on a stake #moreover that there are some things that maybe will let me live as in pay rent and both will be requiring from me what i can do well #i was really good at my former jobs and it was validated both by what people had told me and formal documents with results #it feels really sad when i just cannot promise oh i will do better when i know i am at my max already and it is not enough

[angorwhosebabyisthis]

i think it would be a lot easier to examine the morality and effectiveness of setrákus' cause (spoiler alert: It's Bad), and the irl worldviews/rhetoric it's critiquing, if the books came out and acknowledged that the entity:

a) is working from the exact same fundamental principles, just glowier and prettier and has Nicer Neighborhoods about it, and ultimately gets away with it, and

b) in its own right is just plain fucking evil

#lorien legacies #setrákus ra #LL entity #there is a MAJOR running theme in this series of poisonous 'help' being offered by people who position themselves as Selflessly Benevolent #and wanting nothing more than to pile you with generous gifts out of the goodness of their hearts #too-good-to-be-true offers when you need them most #they just need one little thing from you. they just need you to do the work of spreading their Help for them. #whether through direct violent subjugation (hi loric history!); or cutting off their options so they get more and more desperate #until they have no option but to give in. until they have no choice but to suffer and die or Choose Peace #or through just y'know terraforming the entire fcking planet and changing the biology of its sapient inhabitants to make them Better #without asking a single person on it first let alone any of the humans #it shows up with setrákus; it shows up with what five goes through; it shows up with mogpro; and it shows up with the entity #but the entity and the loric acting in its name are The Actually Benevolent Ones This Time You Guys #and they don't even show ANY harmful effects from past instances of garde pulling ancient-aliens shit to ~help advance human cultures~ #the moral of the story should have followed through on 'power does not make you a god' #and taken the next step to 'if any objectively sapient being with the agency to tangibly affect the world; in a way you cannot opt out of' #'tries to position themself as a god because they are powerful; or should be powerful' #'tie on a bib and eat them' #i have a lot of words in me about this and it really sank in when i realized the way sandor talks about life on lorien under the entity #and the culture around it sound E E R I L Y like how five talks about ethan and the mogs when he's being groomed and indoctrinated #lorien was some warren of the shining snares shit back in the day and it's both fascinating and absolutely chilling #your neighborhood isn't less racist because it has breweries and brick pizza ovens etc etc #ANYWAY #LL tag #LL crit tag #the crit files

[vladimpale]

Zukki week 2022 day 1: Only one bed/Bedsharing

@zukki-week

Zuko is a blanket hoarder

#dont click on the image if you dont want to see how messy this is #im a slow artist so i tried finnishing this on time #i had my exams last week sooo #i have an excuse #the colours are pretty funky(?) because i tried playing with the colour balance to make it look like its night #im shit at colour theory #theres just something so domestic and beautiful about zukki sleeping together #sokka is always taking the most space #suki snores and drools and cannot sleep alone(habit from the kyoshi warriors) #zuko always ends up almost on the foolr somehow #little momo cameo #i couldnt just not draw him #(did i use a cat reference? why yes i did) #is that really the foot sokka injured on the pillow or was i too lazy to look it up #well never know #that blanket was the death of me #and the fabrics in general #not my forte ngl #anyways #enjoy zukki week cause this might be my only contribution #atla #sokka #suki #zuko #momo #zukki week #zukka #sukka #zuki #my art

[toxtricity-v]

I know posts aren’t written with a universal audience in mind and that when people make posts like this they are probably not talking to me but

I HATE posts that are phrased to talk to everyone and say shit like “you NEED to be eating X”

shut up! you do not know a persons needs. just saw one that even went so far as to say they didn’t care if a person has a condition that makes it hard. shut up shut up! things that are healthy for most people are not necessarily good for everyone! like. my body does not tolerate cellulose. it makes me throw up. I can only tolerate vegetables in very specific circumstances, and I’m even then I will, not might, WILL, throw up part of the meal. I also receive premade meals in the mail as a disability accommodation. These meals are inevitably designed to cater to the Healthy Diet For Everyone. and as a result, I can’t eat like half of every single one because it’s steamed vegetables that will make me sick. nothing I can even do about it. it’s not possible to receive medical meals for MY medical needs. not to mention all the other stuff they send me that is prohibited for me (whole grain bread —I’m on a low fiber diet. milk —lactose intolerant. pineapple fruit/juice —allergic. tomatoes…allergic again.)

idk man it is an active problem in my life that everything presumes there is only one way to be healthy. I’m so sick of dealing with it. I DONT want to see it on tumblr too! leave nutrition advice to people’s doctors!!!

#rant #disability #actually disabled #actual diet advice from MY doctors that actually know me: #low fiber (GI specialist) high sodium (cardiologist and geneticist) drink lemonade instead of water (urologist) #reduce vegetable consumption (GI) drink high calorie beverages to supplement calorie intake (GI) #the only ‘normal’ advice was to avoid large amounts of fat #which I do because it makes me as sick as the vegetables #stop presuming you know what’s good for people! #I watch my bf do caretaker training videos to hired to care for me and the nutrition and meal planning section was all the same shit #I cannot express enough that if you try to make me live on high fiber and meals that are half steamed veggies with water to drink and #no salt #I will become malnourished #I will throw up so much that I lose weight and lose cognitive function #I will start collapsing whenever I stand up #and I will become so bloated that I only try to eat once a day #I know this because I’ve been there already due to stupid doctors that tried to shove me into a one size fits all diet #it was the most miserable time of my life #toward the end I was only able to stomach cups of tuna #i developed an aversion to eating in general bc I had linked the act of eating with being sick #I lost like 30 pounds in two months #sorry if I take the subject a little personal

[evanatsuhi]

i cannot believe they pulled an axl with zelda but instead of it being interesting it just ended up pissing me off

#totk spoilers #‘how do i get back to my present time? by suffering for a billion more years alone of course :3’ girlie…no one asked you to do all that 😭. #like idk having her go through this amount of suffering while link is like blowing up fish with bombs or whatever is so unserious #‘link you are our final hope’ link is BUILDING AN 8 WHEELER #also another part of it is just me really disliking the whole ‘ooohjjhjj ganon is pure EVIL’ thing #idk i guess botw/totk’s plot and lore are just really annoying to me. ‘the demon king is rising’ damn…i kind of don’t give a shit #.txt #also another thing is that i just don’t like zelda (character) LOL she’s very nothing to me #ANOTHER THING the cutscene where zelda tries to stop ganon from killing sofia or whatever her name was and the one where ganon appears #before rauru for the first time was so… idk something about zelda going ‘i believe that man holds dark ambitions in his heart’ makes me ill #i know we’re supposed to accept that ganon is some kind of embodiment of evil with no nuance but like i just cannot do it LMFAO this shit #is so stupid and immature

[widevibratobitch]

.

#coming to tumblr for the first time in three days just to bitch because i feel like shit <333 #sorry if i havent responded to your message i will as soon as i get a grip but rn im just too busy #both with uni and with crying because a friend said a mean thing to me lol #and because im tired of this new friendship already and tired of hearing this girl talking how great she is lol #am i jealous? fuck yeah i am. #and it's not like she's mean like straight up. cause like. #when i say im really considering quitting and dropping out she tries to encourage me ig #but then she follows it up with 'ofc *I* never had a problem with this and that because it always just came naturally to me teehee #but yknow. dont give up uwu' #and she keeps sending me recordings of her singing to tell her how good she is and always tells me how her teacher praises her #and like. its cool. like i get it that its a nice feeling when you do something well and wanna share that joy with a friend #but idk. i just think its kinda. well not mean but a litt #*a little tone deaf? when ive just been telling her that im in a Bad Place rn and my voice isnt working as it should #and my pianist is bullying me and i end up crying on almost every lesson #and she hits me with a 'damn that sucks fuck that pianist dont give up tho <3 #now do you wanna listen to me sing bel raggio lusinghier like a pro and my professor telling me i am sublime?' #also when i tell her that im sorry that im not very social and i just cannot stay and chat cause im having a horrible day today #and really dont feel well and she's like 'yeah i havent noticed anything you're always like that... *side eye*' in a way that suggests #im a horrible friend cause im not talking with her enough and yet again im disappointing her (aint that familiar lol) #i just. idk. the last two-three weeks have been absolutely horrible to me. i cant get out of bed i havent done a single colorful make up #in so long ive basically forgotten how to do that. and i loved doing fun make up looks that make people tell me i look like a clown. #but i just dont have the energy to do anything more than put on a random tshirt and spray dry shampoo on my unwashed hair #i dont even wear my rings anymore. ive stopped caring about being the pinkest slayest queerest looking bitch in the room cause i just. cant #and even some casual friend of mine asked me yesterday if im okay cause they can see something is Not Right. but SHE not only doesnt notice #anything. i have a feeling she feels like im disappoing and neglecting her because i cant be bothered to text with her 24/7 #like idk. maybe its just my imagination but i barely even feel like an actual person. more like just a homunculus made to trail after her #and listen to her bragging about how pretty/talented/unbothered she is #oh and also for her to keep dissing m/ozart lol like idk why it hurts me so bad but then ig its not that unusual to feel shitty #when someone keeps talking shit about something you really love and are passionate about and making you feel like an idiot #because you like it. because its stupid and boring and you're a simpleton for enjoying it instead of liking sth more 'ambitious'

[plantpest]

@ the anons in my ask telling me i'm a bully: have you ever wondered what the world could be like if you gained some basic reading comprehension?

#this whole shit is making me so fucking frustrated #like yah regarding one specific topic with one specific person i have very strong evidence to support A HUNCH (or like idea ig idk english) #nothing black or white #i'm trying to be very open about this but idek what more i could do at this point #i have literally tried to talk to k as this is (according to me) very heavy accusations but her immediate reaction was to tell me #she reported me for harassment which has me baffled #she could have denied it and that would've been fine but nope #she is digging herself into a very very deep hole for literally nothing if she's ''innocent'' #but all her actions is furthering the idea that she holds extremely vile opinions that i personally cannot support in any way #@ the people accusing me of being jealous of her skills: when have you seen me paint plants and/or in watercolours #@ the person accusing me of sailing on her popularity: i have a decent following of my own and i've been very open abt publicly calling out #people with what i believe to have very dangerous or ''just'' hurtful opinions for years before this whole k debacle #because i don't want MY blog or my circles to be safe for those people #and like i don't mind stirring up shit (even though my personal drama threshold is low) bc i'm a reactive person #so i play with open cards rather than acting like the bigger person and silently block and so on #idk y'all at this point i just wanna know what the fuck you want from me lmao #not plants #kategate #<- for blacklisting purposes

[timeisacephalopod]

It took me YEARS to find a full time job and because of my managers bullshit I'm half tempted to find another one because I went and checked ALL the logs for the day she blamed ME for not doing the hot foods log and I did EVERY SINGLE ONE but the hot foods one because SHE said she wanted "hands on experience" and I should have treated her like an incompetent baby with THAT log too, not just every other log, half the food prep, dating things, and running around getting stuff for her to be polite.

I'll be letting her know when she asks me how to do something that I'm not comfortable giving her direction on anything because she decided to put my LIVELIHOOD at stake over a fucking log by badmouthing me to other managers and the store owner literally AS I moved into a significantly more expensive apartment my parents cosigned for so THEYRE on the hook if she gets me fired and I don't take kindly to people fucking with my life let alone my parents lives. Im also half tempted to go to the assistant manager of the store (because the owner is a DOUCHEBAG) and tell him because of her I'm tempted to find a different job after YEARS of looking for the full time position I JUST landed because of her bullshit. If she wants to fuck with MY money then fine, I'll fuck with you right the fuck back and then blame her for everything while I'm at it, except at least I'll be RIGHT that she's fucking everything up.

#winters ramblings #she cant even fucking DO her job right half of everything is fucked up shes slow as FUCK wants is to measure and weigh EVERYTHING #and she wants me to go on break at 11. the hot food goes out FOR 11 the morning chickens expire at 11 and im supposed to go on BREAK then?? #tell me you didnt listen to FUCK ALL of my training eithout telling me you listened to FUCK ALL #if she complains i WILL tell her april let me know and i TRIED but i CANNOT get those tasks done any fast and i am NOT #pawning MY JOB DUTIES off onto other people with their OWN job duties thats RUDE and its LAZY #*i* will do my job because that is what ive been hired to do #not pawn all my shit off so i can adhere to her dumb fuck rules that dont make sense #fucking BULLSHIT is what this is i actually LIKED this job before she showed up

[thenerdcommander]

My family is so fucking exhausting I'm so fucking sick of it

#mom was complaining about noise at night so I made a joke about her sucking it up and sleeping in her bedroom with dad (he snores) #and just collect on life insurance #they all pretended I made a threat/serious suggestion despite THEM making ACTUALLY suspicious jokes all the time (about murdering people/ #using racial slurs/doling out general hate speech and laughing at it as though it's funny) #and they tried to gaslight me into believing they DON'T say worse shit every time they open their mouths #“We've NEVER heard a joke like that!!! That's messed up!!!” lies. You “joke” about killing/enslaving black and trans people all the time #and you make no effort to make it come off as a joke (because it's not and you mean it) but when *I* make an OBVIOUSLY NOT SERIOUS #comment it's suddenly horrible and I belong in a psych ward??? just because the delivery wasn't to suit you???? #then they turned around and cried racist because I called them out on their bullshit because apparently pointing out that the things THEY #say and do they're going to eventually do in front of the wrong person and they will get attacked for it (esp using racial slurs #openly and with the mentality that “Only white people get mad at them!!!” like no I'm sorry that's just not the case) is??? Racist??? #POC (black and otherwise) have been telling white people not to use those words for a VERY FUCKING LONG TIME you shitstains #and me saying you're going to get retaliated against has nothing to do with whatever skin color you attributed to that statement. Another #white person would attack you for using those words just as likely as the people you're oppressing. So how about you don't??? Use them??? #but nah that makes me racist apparently #racism according to repubs: telling them not to use racial slurs #they seriously cannot fucking grasp that what I said does no harm but what they say ALL THE TIME causes a LOT for a lot of people #but *I'm* the bad guy??? Ok. #my humor and yours aren't comparable but sure. Keep projecting