#cant believe i couldnt find any poetry for this

[brightbluekicks]

the like shitshow ordeal of having a conversation with someone that i was in love with and finding out they have known that i had feelings for them this whole time. lovely.

#IT IS SO EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL #this is making me relive everything i repressed when i first had feelings for him #hes gay and i knew and i just felt so fucking guilty the whole time #for things i couldnt control #and the thing is like. i love him i love him i love him #so much #and i knew that no matter what i do he’ll never love me in that way #so i tried to get over it #and at least finding out today that like even though hes always known he never liked me less because of it #but i still feel so unbearably shitty #i feel like ive hurt him somewhere #and im also just humiliated beyond belief like omfg i cant believe i had to talk about the feelings that i had for you and the fact that #youll never feel them back #i thought we were DONE WITH THIS #also we’re pretty much just school friends and im terrified whatll happen next #is our friendship strong enough to last this summer please tell me it will. please say you still love me #I WROTE DUCKING POETRY ABOUT HIM #i wrote the goddamn line ‘he makes you feel like who you are isnt such a wretched fate’ #and now i have to deal with the knowing that he knows #this hurts more than any rejection ever had

[dyketubbo]

im rewatching doomsday (comps of all povs of course) and. yeah i just.. feel bad for the lmanburgians. i dont know how i could just. say these people deserved it, when they all sound, panicked and desperate and so so fucking sad. long long ramble under the cut as i recount the events and pick out a bunch of little things

even the day before then is painful. ranboos panic room. ranboo and tubbos talk (tubbo admitting that hes wrong, saying he believes that history is repeating itself and trusting ranboo because he believes in his loyalty), fundy showing the ring toss. tubbos surprise at being told to kill dream before stating that quackity would be in control if he didnt (god, did he plan to fail?). tommy being so so excited. everyone playing ring toss and cheering on jack. tommy still believing in tubbo. tubbo panicking. ranboo and tommy and techno talking, ranboo giving them info. dream placing walls and quackity instructing tubbo on where to kill dream. dream lying about the community house. the entire community house debacle. just, everything.

and then doomsday itself. having to frantically get there because it started early, tubbo only having diamond armor to protect him, fundy standing still after he sabotaged them. tubbo and ranboos genuine despair about the apiary.

tubbo eventually going nonverbal and actively putting himself in danger, not even moving away from techno at first and getting in the way of the firework launcher. tubbo trying to save tommy from the fireworks, ponks broken "dont come over here!" after she was trying to save his cat, tommys face falling and desperate attempts at convincing techno, ranboo going "its all gone", niki spiralling and silently burning down the tree, quackitys pure anger. all the death messages.

jack going "what is there left to protect", tommy brokenly trying to accept that its gone as tubbo and quackity blankly do accept it. jack going "i lost everything again". tommy desperately trying to understand dream, on the verge of tears as he asks why dream didnt just hurt him. his low health and food as hes unable to do anything anymore, his quiet gasp as he spots ghostbur, tubbos tiny shake of his head when dream says dream and tommys story wont be over.

tubbo and quackity breaking the repeaters. ghostburs "i didnt even know we were fighting". ghostbur finding out phil let friend die, hes pained "phil? but i- i gave, i gave phil to look after. and dream found me friend, and technoblade said we were friends", tommys pained talk about technoblade. "we were never his friend. to him, all of this was just an act of politics, an act of clout and a-a social ladder, and you won't remember. tubbo you will, and to you big q, this was a friendship. but to technoblade, this was a ladder. and techno climbed to the tippity talk. do you wanna know the only way you can go? on the ladder? -- and once you reach the top of the ladder tubbo, you can only go down."

quackity asking to sing the anthem again, him strumming as ghostbur sings (and tubbo and tommy joining in). ghostbur forgetting the second verse because it blew up. quackity remembering it, them stumbling through it. tommys "tubbo? im so so sorry", tubbos quiet "its okay." the four all singing together. tubbo looking at the lava with an ender pearl in his hand, tommy correcting quackity and going "our l'manburg". ghostburs speech about friend, about people not taking him seriously just because he has memory loss.

meanwhile.. phil and techno were laughing. cracking jokes. phil mocks them as he spawns withers on the apiary, going "ohhh noo not the bees!". techno shouts at tommy and shoots at him and tubbo. he kills jack and doesnt even notice that it was one of his lives lost. jacks death itself proves that it doesnt take any particular intent, doesnt have to mean anything to the killer. techno and phil were willing to kill people. it would be foolish of them to act as if there were no risks in the terms of canon lives, especially with phil. phil doesnt take ghostbur seriously, treats his despair as an opportunity to drill in a lesson. the most either of them lost was some of the dogs and used up potions, fireworks, and wither skulls

and then theres dream. dream whose been harming the l'manburgians since the beginning, who had taken tubbo hostage, offered eret a chance to betray them all, who had been the man in tommys walls and offering money to tubbo and jack to try and get them to destroy things, who tried to get tommy to kill tubbos villagers. dream, who took tommys discs over and over, who killed tommy twice in one day, who stopped caring about his friends that loved him and were so so loyal. dream, who helped schlatt and pushed wilbur deeper into his spiral, who even then tried to manipulate tommy.

dream, who helped destroy l'manburg the first and second time, who took advantage of tubbo so he could have a premeditated kidnapping of tommy. dream, who abused tommy, physically, psychologically, emotionally. dream, who degraded tubbo and had taken ranboos memory book (which btw, since ranboos memory loss counts as a mental disability with the memory book as his aid, thats dream taking the thing that aids ranboo in dealing with his disability).

dream, who had been the reason l'manburg was created. dream, who got to destroy l'manburg three times. dream won. and techno and phil dont regret it, dont care.

maybe l'manburg was never meant to be. and sure, it started with stealing and an attempt to monopolize on potions but. that wasnt even l'manburg then, was it? it was just wilbur and tommy having fun. l'manburg came after. after the police hurt them. l'manburg started as a silly little revolution, led by a naïve man who thought he could win wars by saying no. it was a place for a family, a place for them to escape from dream. it was a place to try and escape the harm of those outside the walls. it was meant to be safe, even if those against them made it hard to be. it was made from love. it was meant to be happy. it was a symphony, however unfinished.

so. i don't know. i just feel, bad. they never really won, did they? tragedy after tragedy, death after death, destruction after destruction, betrayal after betrayal, hurt after hurt. and now what's left of them, really? out of the founders, erets doing the best and even shes doing awful, forever trying to make up for what he did. tubbos paranoia led him to developing nukes in a desperate attempt to stay safe, because he was taught to stay quiet and keep his emotions to himself, because his death was "justified", because nukes and walls and weapons are the only way he can feel safe anymore.

tommy went through months of abuse, lost all of his lives and suffered upon coming back, suicidal but unable to bring himself to do it because limbo is worse, feeling lost and like he has no family anymore other than wilbur, who he knows is hurting him but cant bring himself to leave, who loved lmanburg so so dearly and only wanted a home, still doesnt have one (tommy from everywhere, tommy from nowhere at all). niki who loved lmanburg and wilbur so much that it hollowed her out and made her bitter and shes so used to being spoken over that all she can think to do is raise her voice and get pissed, who cant see wilbur as a good person anymore because shes hurt and hasnt truly recovered and she doesnt know how to cope without being angry.

jack manifold feels forgotten, hes lost all his lives and crawled out of hell and no one truly noticed, he doesnt even believe that niki really cares, hes desperate and has made his purpose to be spiteful and angry because he cant deal with the emptiness that comes when he realizes theres no point. fundys desperate to have friends, family, a partner, anyone thatll love him, anyone thatll keep him safe, slowly killing himself with cigarettes and disowned because of giving too little too late, because he was too little too late.

and wilburs lost himself. spiraling, paranoid. a young, naïve man who wanted to fight swords with words, who wanted to impress his father, who wanted a nation of his own to feel safe, who was so effected by erets betrayal that he cant trust anyone but himself, whose possessive nature eats him from the inside out, desperate for control and unable to let go of the only person he knows loves him unconditionally

all because outside forces kept pushing, kept destroying, kept ruining them and hurting them and traumatizing them and taking away their homes and pets and loved ones. and i just. cant feel happy for the ones that hurt them, i cant feel victorius, triumphant, any of that. i just feel bad that the l'manburgians never got to be a family. i know they arent the best people but shit, i love them anyways, love them because theyre flawed and because theyre *people*, people who tried so so hard and got pushed so so much and. fuck, i cant be happy that the people who loved nature and play fought and laughed by campfires and read poetry and re-enacted theatre and loved each other and wanted to *live* (even if they were willing to die, if it meant giving everyone else a chance).. lost. they lost.

canonical years of work down the drain in one day. records of history gone, now only remembered in full by a traumatized teenager who was taught not to talk about his negative emotions, and even he misremembers some parts. they didnt even lose fairly. they had no chance. they couldnt have prepared for withers, for tnt rain, for the hounds. they were poor, weaker than their opponents, sabotaged by one of their own. thats.. tragic.

doomsday was a tragedy. i cant agree that it was deserved. i cant agree that they had it coming, that they deserved to lose homes and pets and limbs and lives and land because they werent the greatest people around.

a small country of less than 10 people (at both creation and destruction) now a giant crater in the ground, remnants of a parisitic egg taking over the land. and it wasnt even lost fairly. three people were stronger than an entire nation, even with all of its allies. two anarchists working with an abusive tyrant. so, no. doomsday wasnt deserved. people dont deserve tragedy. there were better ways, i truly cant be happy that the way chosen was violence. i cant.

l'manburg's citizens deserved better. they really did. the ends dont justify the means. and god, am i fucking tired of "justice". if justice means choosing violence over love and respect and caring about those less strong than you, i dont wanna hear about it. fuck that man, id rather love and be loved than constantly give a shit about making up for hurting others by getting hurt, thats stupid and cruel and i cant see it as okay on a moral level. not when the people that got hurt deserved to be loved and cared about and protected and *talked to* instead of constantly shot down.

of course for the narrative i can enjoy violence and characters getting hurt and i do like how "real" it all is, the despair and dissonance in tone and how terrifyingly messy it all is. out of story perspective- honestly rather cool even if it makes me feel bad. in story perspective- holy fucking shit no that wasnt deserved and god i hope everyone hurt will be able to heal and learn to love and be loved again because thats such a terrifying thing to go through. from a detached pov i can appreciate the insight into everyone involved and i like the plotlines that came from it, but from a compassionate pov i just wish the l'manburgians were allowed to be happy and treated as equals so they didnt have to go through all of this

#dsmp #long post #this issss 22 paragraphs i think? woo boy! #most of it is liveblogging but after a while it just gets into my thoughts on the whole situation #c!technoblade critical #c!philza critical #c!dream critical #im just stating what happened but like im sure if i dont put those tags ill get fuckin jumped lol #tubbo #tommy #quackity #ghostbur #ponk #niki nihachu #fundy #ranboo #dont think i missed anyone but if i did. whoops #also shoutout to the ppl i didnt mention i do still appreciate their contributions (like puffy hbomb sapnap etc) #amputation ment #death ment #abuse ment #uhhhhhhhh #ableism ment #mask mews #kidnapping ment #suicide ment #l'manburg #ask to tag #doomsday dsmp

[wildgeese2017]

You: what makes you happy?

Stranger: His smile

You: thats so nie

You: nice

Stranger: But I haven’t seen in in a while

You: :(

Stranger: What makes you happy?

You: i like lying down and feeling the earth cradling my whole physical body i like listening to music by myself

You: but i feel like its all sucks bc it never lasts

You: like his smile

You: i dont know how to make sense of it all

Stranger: I feel you

Stranger: Seems like nothing lasts

You: it scares me

Stranger: And you never know when the last time is going to be the last time

Stranger: You always think you will have more

Stranger: Until you don’t

You: i feel like an animal i feel so blind to what fate has planned for me

You: i want to believe in something to sort of see everything through the right lens but i just dont know whether i cud

You: like i dont know what gods means to me

You: what does it mean to you?

Stranger: I try to trust in him

Stranger: But the faith is being tested

Stranger: I feel like so much unfairness couldn’t come from god

You: i used to know so surely that the whole point of this suffering was that it was a test or an inevitabilty but i worry that my conclusion was false

You: im scared that my faith is just learned helpessness

You: do you have anything you wanted to say

You: like why you are on this platform

Stranger: I just hope you get enough motivation to hold on

Stranger: Even if it’s the bare minimum

You: thanks im fine i just feel so confused

Stranger: I am pretty sure that someday something will come that will make it worth it

You: im doing well im being nice to my loved ones im going to work im having fun im just existentially terrified

Stranger: For everyone

You: yeh i think so too

You: i kno u dont kno me but im rooting for you

Stranger: How old are you ? Sorry if that’s too personal

You: im 20

Stranger: I’m rooting for you too!!! 😄

You: thx

Stranger: The confusion starts at the twenty’s

Stranger: I’m 25 and haven’t figured it out

You: lol ive been confused 4 so long tho

You: i think being confused is the whole point

Stranger: Maybe the meaning of life isn’t to find it purpose

Stranger: But to live and live while it lasts

Stranger: Love*

You: like its all just fluctuations of energy and the universe is just reminding itself that it exists bc being is the point of being like a perfect circle of belief and truth

You: yes i think so too

You: but it leads me to chasing empty bliss

Stranger: You should write a book about it

Stranger: Or poems

You: i want to feel more purpose but i dont know how im scared of nit finding peace and my vulnerability being exploited

You: i write poetry but i feel as tho i havent developed craft

Stranger: You must be brave to feel extraordinary :)

You: how do u express urself?

You: :)

Stranger: I dance

You: <3

Stranger: I’m a dancer

You: thats so wonderful

Stranger: Not good with words

You: does it make you feel free? i can only dance with the lights off

Stranger: Sometimes I turn the music up and close my eyes and just dance whatever I feel inside

You: that sounds nice

You: what kind of music do u like?

Stranger: And most of the times it feels like breaking my own heart

You: :(

Stranger: But it flies itself back together right after

You: in a good or bad way?

Stranger: Glues*

You: sometimes i wish i cud crack open my heart and show people

Stranger: I feel like a slightly cracked heart must fall apart to be build up again

You: i always paraphrase kafka when he said the reason for everything he did is to try and express the unexpressable

Stranger: People tend to ignore small cracks

Stranger: But take it serious when it’s all in pieces

You: :( i wish we cud all b more gentle with each other

Stranger: Same

You: i wish i had more energy to see everyones breaking hearts and fill up the cracks with my own love

Stranger: And I wish we would only fall in love with people who fall for us back

You: are you in love with him?

Stranger: I am

You: i dont kno whether ive ever been in love love what is it like?

Stranger: I’ve been in love once before

Stranger: And I swore I’d never open myself up for anyone

Stranger: And my best friend convinced me to go on this date with this guy

Stranger: And when he kissed me I just knew

You: that must hav been terrifying

Stranger: Took me 5years tho

Stranger: To fall like this again

Stranger: It was

Stranger: In it’s ironic way

Stranger: And it still is

You: i can tget close to anyone like that bc ive got all this stuff i cant let anyone see its brave for you to let someone in even if it hurts

Stranger: You know what?

Stranger: It wasn’t a decision I made !!

You: huh i never thought of it that way

You: maybe it was god

Stranger: Im fact the decision I took was to not let him in before we went on that date

Stranger: It wasn’t something I was in control of

Stranger: And it took him 5 hours to kiss me 😄

Stranger: And when he did time stopped

Stranger: And so did my senses except for feeling

You: what makes him so special? is it just the way he makes you feel or is there a big reason in your mind?

Stranger: It’s …

Stranger: How can I say this

Stranger: He was a surprise

Stranger: I didn’t expect him to be that good

You: did you feel like you had met before?

Stranger: I thought he’d be just another mediocre guy

You: so he suprised you

Stranger: But when I saw his smile and eyes I just knew I was screwed

Stranger: Yeah

Stranger: Feel good to finally talk about all this haha

You: ive never felt that way about way about anyone it sounds so confusing

You: is he kind?

Stranger: He was

You: is he not anymore?

Stranger: Sadly no

You: :(

Stranger: He decided to take a step back from me

You: what did he do to make you feel this way (if you dont mind me askin)

You: oh

Stranger: I remember when he called me to tell me he’s not ready for a relationship

You: what are you going to do? i cant imagine never seeing anyone i care about like that again

Stranger: Last time I saw him was three weeks ago

Stranger: And last time I heard from him was one week bwfore

You: did you know him long before ?

Stranger: Three months

Stranger: Not that long

Stranger: But I knew what he would mean to me when I first saw him

Stranger: So it felt like a smaller eternity

You: that sound so difficult

Stranger: I miss him terribly:)

You: i cant imagine feeling that way it wud really scare me everyone i talk to ive known for like 8years i cant give so much of myself to someone new

Stranger: You don’t have to give yourself to someone all at once

Stranger: Be protective of your energy

Stranger: And never trust the other person to not hurt you!

Stranger: But trust yourself and how you will react to it

Stranger: Trust that’s you would be strong enough to handle it

You: do you think he saw the real you? its so weird to think that everyone percieves you differently and out of your own control i worry that i focus too much on an idea of a person that i cud be

Stranger: Yea and no

Stranger: What I showed him was the real me but I also know that I didn’t show him everything that I am

Stranger: I feel your fear ! You got to know who you are as a person first

Stranger: And you got to be authentic with the people around you

You: i think it takes so long to show a clear picture of urself and its always moving and running away from the person you were when you last talked to that person who you want to really see you

Stranger: Exactly!

Stranger: That’s probably the most genuine talk I ever had

You: im so tired of trying to be a person i wish i cud just melt into everyone around me but theres so much i dislike about those around me and its not possible anyway. its just hard knowing the reason for everything is human connection and not living in a way that respects that truth

Stranger: Thank you

You: thank you too

You: i really appreciate your sharing its so scar to be honest out loud

You: *scary

Stranger: True

Stranger: I guess being anonymous makes it easier

You: yeh i just i was going to see a friend today who i feel like understands me but i couldnt in the end and i needed to express a part of myself u kno even tho im talking to other people who know me and care its not the same

You: i hope ou feel better soon regardless of what he chooses for himself

Stranger: I know exactly what you mean

Stranger: After all I have to choose myself over him as well :)

Stranger: Sometimes love isn’t enough

Stranger: Who am I fooling… most of the times it’s not enough

You: i have so many kind lovely friends and family who is trying but i cant let go of this heavy thing its like theres always some invisible chain wrapped around me

You: yeh :(

You: why cant we all help each other more

Stranger: Not many people are spiritual enough to say love is enough and all that matters f*ck the rest

You: i know so many people in pain and im too tired to be there all the time

You: its easy for me to say love is enough when i dont hav so many real problems that cant b solved with love alone

Stranger: I really pray for you to break out of those chains

Stranger: You seem like an amazing loving and caring person

Stranger: You deserve happiness

You: thanks i dont kno whether my hope has any power to reach you but i really hope you get some relief from your pain too

You: you too

You: i think we all do but i cant know that im so lucky to not meet people who are cruel enough to take that belief away from me

Stranger: And if you ever do meet people like that do me the favor of removing them immediately

Stranger: If it costs you your peace it’s too exoenz

You: i guess but i always think what happens to them when im gone?

Stranger: Expensive *

You: where do they go?

Stranger: ALWAYS !

You: what do they feel?

Stranger: That’s none of your business

Stranger: Let them find their own way

You: yeh i think we all need to respect ourselves to let go of toxicity

Stranger: You don’t have to guide them

You: i just feel like i want to care more i want to love more but i dont and that makes me feel small and selfish i wish we cud all connect our love its so scary not being able to reach each other

You: im scared to change and become better it sounds so hard i feel so selfish

Stranger: You’re not selfish if it means protecting your energy

Stranger: But don’t stand in your own way

Stranger: Be brave

Stranger: Can’t stress that enough

You: thanks i think i do need to be braver i try and look more people in the eye but maybe i need to be brave against myself more than against other people

Stranger: Have you ever watched greys anatomy?

You: since they arent in my control

You: no but all my friends love it

You: its on my list loll

Stranger: So Meredith grey said something like :

Stranger: Maybe she wasn’t opening up to people not because she was scared of the love she would receive

Stranger: But scared of what would happen when they took this live away from her someday

Stranger: Once you get a taste of love

Stranger: It’s like a drug

Stranger: Love*

You: like you and him, i find it hard to accept it when people choose me over someone else so i push them away to other people and i get upset that they replaced me

You: love is so scary

You: its too much

Stranger: Me and him …

Stranger: I feel like this story is not over yet

Stranger: :)

Stranger: And that calms me

You: i think if you have so much love inside you, u will succeed and find yourself in a good place if you focus on that love

Stranger: Yeah

Stranger: I literally believe in love because of the way I know I am capable to love

You: sometimes i worry that im not capable of love like that like i have something inside me that puts people off even though on a surface level i seem nice and passionate or sweet or whatever

You: like i worry im just playing a part and soon ill get tired of acting and i wont be what people need anymore

Stranger: Don’t worry too much

Stranger: Just truly be yourself

You: thanks i will try too

You: its so weird loving life this much and still not being happy

Stranger: Damn

You: like im so happy but its never enough

You: its not the right kind of joy it wont fit

Stranger: And this whole convo started with this simple question

You: loll

Stranger: What makes you happy

Stranger: Lol

Stranger: You know what I just realized

You: wot :0

Stranger: My answer was wrong in so many ways

Stranger: Your happiness shouldn’t be depending on someone else

Stranger: Cause you can’t control other peoples behavior

You: thats so real

You: its so scary tho since you cant b alone but you cant rely purely on others

Stranger: Your happiness should only be in your hands

Stranger: So controversial

Stranger: It’s a daily risk lol

You: like other people are all that matters but to them you are the other people so we all need to be kind to ourselves to be kind to each toher but we're all to hurt and scared to do all of it in the right way

You: we're all walking around with a piece of the happy puzzle and we have'nt figured out how to put it together

Stranger: sometimes we forget that all people are vulnerable and maybe hurting too

Stranger: When someone hurts your feelings you tend to forget you might have hurt theirs too

You: i always remember but i dont always respect it and that makes me dislike the kind of person i let myself be

Stranger: You will learn to

You: i hope so

You: i think thats the point

Stranger: Don’t pressure yourself

You: like we live and we all learn the same lesson

You: but it seems like its always repeating

You: like why haven't we learned it yet

You: like we're all one soul

You: and we can't reach the end of this problem or is the point how good we feel at points of it? i cant just chase joy if its fleeting iworry that even love is fleeting

You: idk i know we only hav the present

You: like all the advice uve given me i trust it

You: i just freak out thinking of the big picture

Stranger: Relax 😄

Stranger: It’s not all that serious

Stranger: Don’t forget to live along the way

Stranger: Love was never meant to be safe or measured!

Stranger: You got to be brave and love irritationally

You: i think that that is fair i just i go long stretches living and then i remember the whole question of why and how shud i live and i get all tangled up again

Stranger: And instead of being scared, trusting yourself with it

You: i think i need to trust more and i think faith is trust

Stranger: Grow and learn to trust yourself

You: i want to have more faith in myself in others in the future i just worry the way i acheive this will only be a bandaid i want more than blind faith i want to see the world and see it as it is and still feel love and joy and trust the universe and myself to experience it correctly and even let go of the whole concept of correct.

Stranger: I also think I might fall asleep soon lol

You: thanks for listening i think i will too lol good luck i wish you all the best <£

You: <3

Stranger: That’s what I wish you too

Stranger: From the bottom of my heart

You: :-)

Stranger: Take care strangee

You: u 2 :-)

Stranger: Stranger*

[the-sanders-sides]

inidan american (desi) logan

a sequel to this post because people asked for more and i decided that they shall receive (and also i love writing these)

fair warning, logans a bitter kid, and this isnt as positive and happy as romans post. ive experienced two different ways of being desi, one where i lived in fully asian and indian community and didnt even think id ever feel alone, and another where i moved to a place where i havent met another desi in like 7 years of living here in a 3 hour driving radius. in romans post i played into my first experience and how at home i felt. in the second experience, the one im in right now, i am much more bitter about who i am and not really knowing anyone who gets it anymore. so i play into that A LOT in this. so keep that in mind. (and he will get happier in a future part. m planning on making this into a series)

ok so first off. his name is logan sanders. people (mostly other indians) dont believe him when he tells them. he tells them they dont know indian history. they say they do. he tells them that the british fucked around (quite literally) in india for four centuries so of course english names would stick with that precise wording

sometimes when he’s annoyed enough and doesnt want to explain this for the millionth he defends himself with this russel peters skit (watch it, it’s hilarious) because it describes his family. to a T. 

he grew up in a community with not very many asians, and knew no indians outside his family so he felt a sort of disconnect to his culture

while his grandparents and parents would teach him about indian culture, he felt so distant from it since he knew no one outside his family who was indian, and since he didnt have any siblings or any nearby cousins to hang around with

he had visited india once but he was too young to remember it properly or too remember his cousins

the closest mandir was an hour away so that also limited the amount of indian kids/people he knew

he barely knew hindi because everyone in his family spoke english, especially in public

he felt guilty over the disconnect he felt and would always try to bridge it but would never accomplish this because it he kept losing passion since he rarely saw other people like him in the real world and in the media and he didnt see the point of trying

this all changed in eight grade when he moved next door to the Kumar family in a north indian street of some south asian blocks in an asian community

when his family first moved, the Kumar family invited the Sanders over to welcome them

it turns out the Kumar’s had a son who was the same age as logan

“hi logan! im rohan kumar! but i like going by roman instead of rohan!” 

this introduction pissed logan off 

he was seething because why would this kid who got to have an indian first AND last name change his name to an english one! why didnt he see the value of his name!

he knew right away that such a difference meant they could never be friends 

“im logan sanders, but thats all youll get to know about me because i see no use associating myself with someone as... well, ignorant, as you”

roman decides to whip out one of the swears his cousins taught him and whisper shouts “who are you calling ignorant, bhenchod?” 

 it became clear to him that this was new turf, and people on this new turf must be speaking hindi. and that he was the ignorant one if he couldnt talk in hindi. he made a vow to learn it as fast as he could to make sure this roman kid wasnt better than him

but, logan grits his teeth and says “you, and i know it must be true because you were too dumb to understand me the first time”

this evidently struck a sore spot in roman because he didnt fight back but just stalked away. logan smiled slightly, happy to have won that argument

logan asks his grandpa to teach him hindi and his grandpa gets super excited

they start lessons immediately and despite barely hearing it growing up, it’s as if his brain was made for this because he picks the language up amazingly fast and in a months time, while not able to speak back yet, he can understand most casual conversation

his first diwali in basically little india is the most magical thing ever

diwali at his old home was very quiet because there wasnt anyone around to celebrate with

everyone is so happy in this new home however. everyone is dressed up and all the houses are lit up and there are diyas everywhere and he doesnt want to admit it but the kumar’s have the best rangoli on the street and it’s because of roman and he knows roman did it because sometimes he’d stare out of his bedroom window while doing homework and have a perfect view of roman delicately working on it for two weeks

(the kumar’s front porch had been covered with tarp waiting for diwali to make sure romans precious rangoli wasnt stepped on or ruined. when it’s finally let up, everywhere where there could be art, there is. it’s insane how good at colors roman is, logan thinks)

diwali morning: 

he fights his parents because he doesnt want to miss school for diwali because americans dont have a day off for it. his parents set the clocks in the house ahead to make him think he overslept so he would skip school. (logan didnt know that his parents had submitted an excused absence form for religious reasons and that the school was very understanding. he thought it would be like his old school where he wouldnteven bother trying since he wasnt christain and the school was lkinda discriminatory)

they spend the morning in mandir and it’s nice. for once he doesnt feel different from his peers because he goes to mandir and not church or synagogue. he feels at home.

diwali afternoon:

the afternoon is spent with frantic cleaning and cooking and digging around for the diya’s that were still in boxes, packed away from when they moved

logan offered to find them all to continue with a diya science experiment he started two years prior. his theory was that the diya’s were multiplying and there were more each year despite no one buying anymore

this held true, because even though he could only find half of their diya collection, it was somehow more than the entire diya collection of two years prior. 

diwali evening:

theres a big potluck and everyone in the neighborhood is out talking to each other, looking at the decorations at everyones houses, eating samosas, and playing with sparklers. 

logan feels content

he makes a new resolve to learn more about hinduism. if this is what ti was supposed to be, then he never wanted to be away from hinduism. 

he looked at the metaphors and symbolism in everything and finally understood what his dad meant he told logan that hinduism is just science written in poetry and that string theory is written in the ancient texts

middle school in this new town is so much better than middle school in his old home. why?

a. doesnt get bullied for being a nerd

b. doesnt get called gay slurs 

c. the classes are harder 

d. much less racism

e. all of the above

soon enough, logans asking his grandpa to teach him how to cook Indian food

Logan spends the day burning dosas and making lopsided rotis

(eventually he gets the hang of it, and a he'll be cooking food for an infuriating Indian boy ;) ;) psst it's roman)

Speaking of boys

Coming out isn't an option for logan

He knows that his parents arent really religious enough to really look into hinduism and see that no, gays are not bad

But they are traditional and conservative enough to be homophobic

not homophobic as in spewing hate with the westboro baptist church at a pride parade

But homophobic as in "the gays are fine as long as they don't do it in front of me" kinda thing

So Logan stays quiet

the closet kinda sucks but i mean what can he do

it’s safer inside, and he as illogical as wishing is, he wishes that people would use their brains and realize there’s nothing wrong with gay

anyway

in school logan makes his first desi friend, who was dubbed as anxiety years ago and cant seem to get rid of the nickname and now has a whole complex about his name so logan doesnt know his name

logan and anxiety meet in the school library: logan studying and anxiety hiding

people dont like anxiety

especially non-indian kids

surprise surprise it’s an old buddy called racism, but anxiety’s story is for another time

(but even though no one really likes anxiety, whenever racist shit goes down, it has to go through roman)

so logan and anxiety become fast friends

and they make fun of roman (a+ bonding)

logan claims that roman is a hypocrite for changing his name to an english one while being so immersed in indian culture

anxiety doesnt dispute this, but says he has a past with roman

a past that involved getting stuck with the name anxiety

again, another story for another time

one day, when logan and anxiety are eating lunch they see roman destroy some homophobes who throw around the word f*g and keep calling caitlyn jenner, bruce jenner

logans chest surges

he’s all like “what?? emotions?? pride at roman?? is he better than me for being so open and standing up for what he believes in??”

gay panic basically

but logan masked it well and pushed it away

the next day roman comes to school with a pride patch on his jean jacket

logan feels like he cant breathe

logan is supremely jealous of roman.

he can be gay in peace

he can pretend not to be indian in a way that benefits him

and he’s not affected by stereotypes in the same way?? like what does this kid not have

and by stereotypes i mean

roman is the complete opposite of all indian and desi stereotypes: loud, flamboyant, theatrical

logan’s personality is exactly how the stereotypes are. he’s nerdy and likes science and math and it seems like he cant escape the stereotypes. they follow him. and he feels guilty that he likes science and math and is nerdy. 

as illogical as it is, he wishes he was different from how he is

but logan later learns that there are more than just his perspective on being desi and that every desi kid growing up faces challenges about it that are different than his, causing them to experience being desi differently

and logan will accept that, in another story at another time

for now, he’s just bitter. and as illogical as it is, he wishes the world was better

and now, i shall tag some people who asked to be tagged and some other desi’s who loved this because i feel like you guys might appreciate this too. also i love u. desi famders squad up.

@sssixeyedrunt @ultimate-queen-of-fandoms2 @caterpiller-tea @xxxbladeangelxxx @snufflesthegrim227 @cloudchaser7 @thelowlysatsuma 

#logan sanders #logince #virgil sanders #roman sanders #desi #desi headcanons #sanders sides #mine #please love this #r #l #v

[karamazovdmitri]

Ok so I know you love Dostoevsky but do you have any tips on how to read his books and just russian lit in general? I'm really interested but I feel like his or Tolstoy's or Turgenev's,etc. books might be very dense and complex and hard to understand and not relatable because they were written a while ago idk I'm just afraid I'm not gonna get them and enjoy them because of their complexity. Do you have any suggestions of where to start?

 ooooh boy ALRIGHT sorry i took so long to reply to that schools a binchso uh first of all im so glad the ruslit love is spreading! and alright yeah ok lets get right down to it, i’ll focus on dosto for now and yes his books seem complex and and i wont lie that they are, but theyre not necessarily complex in their writing or their prose, its in what it holds. like its hard to explain but its just. so packed with everything.i feel that theres not one way to “get” the books. though i see what you mean because i often say i dont “get” poetry, but i think that even if you dont unveil the secret of his books or something, its still such a good read. we did that in lit class with crime and punishment, kinda just like tryna unveil the mysteries of it and... you cannot just do it like that, you can get closer to it but like... i guess its kinda like that saying that says destination isnt as important as the journey. as for them not being relatable i got GREAT NEWS FOR YOU, the brothers karamazov was probably the most relatable book ive read in my whole life. like i know because its Classic Lit™ and all, it might feel distant and foreign and like its well, not relatable, but once you dive into it the characters are the same you’d find in other books, theyre all painfully human. like if you take evgeny bazarov from turgenev’s fathers and sons, sure hes that like complex nihilistic character but also hes a bitchass med student like you’d find in any university i swear alright, like... god i feel like i cant express my thoughts coherently but what i mean is even if the prose in itself seems complicated (once you dive into it, its really not that bad honestly?? to be fair i havent read tolstoy yet -yeah what a bad ruslit hoe i make- but dostoevsky, while not the simplest in appearance actually just boils down to feelings nd shit. like you’ll just FEEL it. and yeah for me it has made me reflect a lot on who i am as a person and who i want to be, but as you probs have guessed i do take ruslit quite to heart... maybe thats the secret to enjoying it so much? idk? like im not tryna read for 5 layers deep interpretation, i guess as i said... you just somehow feel it. AS for suggestions... if you want to go with dosto, my first read by him was personally crime & punishment, which i feel is a good start?? its always the one i rec because its part of the holy dosto trinity (aka C&P, the bros karamazov and the idiot) but i think its the most accessible one. like it has a clear plot, raskolnikovs character is complex but not inaccessible and the main ideas that want to be communicated are clear cut, more than in the huge rambles that you’d find in the brothers karamazov. i mean like i dont wanna spoil shit but like unless the brothers karamazov, when i read C&P i didnt find myself putting the book down every now and then to just. breathe and think about shit (i did however had to put it down to yell about razumikhin but thats just me)for other ruslit i kinda just like. go with whatever. i read fathers and sons because i saw it in the bookstore and just. bought it lmao and honestly since its like significantly shorter than one of the dosto bricks™ that might also be a good place to start. honestly i dont think theres like one Good Place to start but if youre 0 familiar with the russian culture and history and stuff, like dont start with the brothers karamazov (if you ask me, just dont start with TBK because its dostos best book and like you gotta gradually make your way to it, just keep raising the expectations higher and higher) (can yall believe right before i started reading tbk i was like “man can this really top C&P?” LMFAO) but anyway yeah, russian lit however is a good way to familiarize yourself with like Russia™ as a concept, and the russian soul, decent slav sadness and all that sweet stuff so just start with something and then the more you’ll read the more you’ll get what i mean by that russkaya dusha thinganyway uhhh youre probs fuckin tired of reading by here hopefully i was of any help??? basically dont be afraid anon, academics really like to brand classic rus lit as like some kind of extremely fancy and complex shit, and like its complex but not in the way you think. its complex because its depictions of the human soul so theres a lot packed in that. but even if you couldnt care less about like the soul and shit, theyre absolutely amazing psychology-wise. so yknow just pick up a book and go for it!! if it makes you more comfy, start with a short one! it can be fathers and sons, it can be even shorter and be Notes from underground (this ones kinda hardcore though, i gotta say) can be death of ivan illyich, could be a play by Chekhov like honestly... theres so much to choose from, treat yoself(also i want to thank you for that ask i feel like??? so honoured to be considered some kind of reference when it comes to russian lit, truly warms my heart and dont hesitate to come ask for more info bc i know this is kind of just a huge dump of whatever)

#asks #anon #xz #i knew i shouldnt have answered that at 2am bc it was gonna all over the place and yet LOOK AT ME #Anonymous

[textsacc]

prompt: i write all these stupid love songs about you and then i tear them from my journal and hide them away in a box with your name on the lid. maybe one day you’ll hear them. (unsenttextsuggestion)

its cute how she thinks she can hide things from me, yozora thinks as she mulls over the contents of the box. there's a scatter of ripped paper around her on the floor as she rummages through more litter in the container. it's painted black and gold, with a crescent sticker stuck on its lid. her kashiwazaki overlord was never one to stand by marking things with subtly.

of course she would've noticed it. her eyes ran through words on scrap pieces. the prose -- it's cute. like, sickly sweet kind of cute. some of the words come off sharper and aggressive, but in them yozora can still see the tenderness, light and pure and radiant, just as similar to the owner of the notes herself. she snorts at one, trying not to notice her flushed complexion as she stuffs it back in the box. it wasnt the first time she'd seen them; sometimes she’d liken herself to visit them, when she needed a bit of self-love in the quiet and dreary afternoons, her ego stretched thin by her mind’s loathing behaviour. needless to say, this definitely wouldn't be her last, either. yozora had already found herself addicted to her companion’s love.

haste made for waste, yozora tells herself, collecting the scatter and putting them back where they’d belonged. she only had so much time before her secret admirer got back, after all. lovely, she imagines, unable to help herself from stopping the compliment slipping through as her friend's image naturally came to mind. box in two hands, a slide stores the blonde's secret collection away, tucked neatly in a shelf found underneath her bedroom’s window sill. yozora’s delicate work made it seem as untouched and unremoved as it originally appeared to be. now all she had to do was soothe her burning cheeks, and everything would return to normal.

*

it was almost unfair how sincere her lyrics were. each rip torn at the papers' seams were unexpectedly fortunate, the lines yozora would craft from shifting them around forming neatly, new poetry crafted from fragments of another. something told yozora that her instructions were premeditated, but her gut instinct told her otherwise; after all, sena would never be this careful, the bumbling beast.

stupid cute idiot, she thinks, revising her friend's script again. she would know where the pieces would go, if she tried to pay attention to them. ink bled through paper, and remnants remained on their edges, blotted and broken. but it was way more fun to piece the phrases together to create something dastardly new. when she found herself done, it would be like a cacophony of memories, of all the times sena went through the song writing process, coming up with words and dreams that yozora herself could never admit to sharing. a symphonious torture, yes, that was what it would become, and a mischievous warm smile made its way to her lips. she was only lucky that her carefulness had gotten her this far in the past -- now, though, as she copied the words one by one into her book, she would have all the time in the world to peruse them to her own delight.

*

to say that her plan made her face red was... an understatement, now, in another frame of mind. after running through her notes line by line, a project she’d tended to almost every evening by now, yozora was surprised she couldn't even look the blonde in the face anymore. shed always had a problem with eye contact, that much she found herself sure, but even the best of her tricks couldnt help her as she’d turn her eyes away, even from the vague sight of her friend.

"you're acting really weird lately," sena observes one night at dinner. yozora thinks its funny how she’s invited to eat with the family unlike their previous servants. sort of like a housewife. "is everything alright? you know you can tell me anything on your mind."

yozora refuses. it was much too personal for them and for her. "it's none of your business," and she bites her tongue before she could say 'meat', glancing carefully at her love’s father. pegasus was never fond of that nickname, even though she thought it suited her princess just fine. "--but thank you." of course, she had to observe her manners. "i appreciate the offer."

a useless whimper, the girl puffing up her cheeks in retaliation. yozora fought the urge to smile.

*

the most recent entry, the most recent scatter of paper. she couldnt seriously have wrote that, could she? yozora could hardly believe it.

earlier, she'd made the mistake of matching them as the author had intended, before mixing them into pile. and just entertaining the possibility of those four lines, intent after another, was enough to send her under the covers even hours later, when her eyes weren't focused on pieces ahead of her. so brash, so unrestrained. wanting. yearning. how bashful it reduced her to, as her mind hummed over the words again, a repetitive melody she couldn't simply get rid of. she was only lucky sena rested upstairs and fell asleep early before she could be bothered to hunt for the servant today, as yozora holed herself up in her own little room. she needed isolation, she decides, foreseeing herself blushing red again, with equal intensity in the future. 

if she was to continue her own project like this, she had to ensure more moments of privacy for herself.

*

no knocks, just the door opening. yozora counts her lucky stars (just one, and she was right in front of her) that she hadn't been singing just yet, merely playing a few chords. "i’m here to listen," sena announces, a cheeky smile on her face (too cute). her butler shifts her eyes away from the room's entrance, but scooches closer to the wall; a mistake, as it gives her friend some space on the bed to sit on.

"what're you playing?"

"nothing of importance," yozora shrugs off, not meeting sena's gaze, pretending to retune her instrument. she wondered if the girl would buy into her lie, turning the knob only slightly in her fib. but it didn't seem that way when she’d given her pet a good glance, the star’s brilliant beam shining back in her face.

yozora swallows a breath, looking up. "don't you have some studying to do? a game to get back to?"

"studying?"

the servant notices her momentary slip up, and for a moment yozora debates keeping herself still like a frightened animal. instead, she rolls her eyes, and that gets their conversation to pass over the mistake.

"ah, but the new title that came out earlier today--"

good. sena's attention had been grabbed. "it was just way shorter than i thought it was going to be! what a let down. and they didn't even include a cg for cecilia, but they put in two more for lisa?!"

the princess huffs and folds her arms. for a moment, yozora wondered how lovely it would be to pull her in close for comfort.

"oh no," she replied, resting on her guitar, words dripping with sarcasm. "its not like cecilia's the main character, or that she hasn’t been in any other title before or anything, thus having more screen time than any other character in the series." a miracle, it was, that she remembered the series elements at all.

"are you kidding me?"

her friend's eyes come alive with untold fury. yozora secretly wanted more. 

"that should give them more reason to put more scenes with her in it! being in several games shows exactly how much we the fans like her!" by the sheets, sena pulls her fingers into a fist. "those cowards! i’d already gone to their forums and gave them a piece of my mind, though!"

"and so you're here to bother me instead?"

so long as she herself was being cold, the servant figured, it would be in due time before her mistress would leave her undisturbed.

"of course! i wouldn't want to miss what my best friend was up to these days!"

ugh. best friend.

"sorry, i dont know who that is," yozora mocks, wrist flapped off-handedly. "maybe you should check another room, for once. you'll find someone there."

"that's so mean!" (the telltale pout from sena. what a look.) "why cant you just take the compliment i give you?"

"compliment?"

her sideways glance appears more sly and dark than she'd wanted it, but the facade was entirely calculated; so yozora wouldn't be caught under scrutiny blushing like a lovestruck schoolgirl. that sinister aura was to mask her fluster. "you talk like its a privilege to be your friend."

"it is one!"

"more like a burden. come see me after you've grown up enough to take care of yourself."

of course, her servitude had always been a sore spot for sena, on the account that she wouldn't be seen as independent enough in the household. no, she didn't need to be to begin with, but now there was a reason for the star to hold some guilt. because it was yozora behind those duties now.

"i can do it just fine, thank you very much."

"you say that but you sure aren't showing it, meat," the butler remarks with a straightened back, fingers flicking at her guitar's strings. a strum. "try that again when you've found something else to do."

it turns out to be enough.

with a "hmph" and a toss of her hair (a soft wave of starlight, so pretty) sena gets off the bed and leaves.

wonderful. it would've been a perfect exit, except she forgot to close the door behind her.

again.

not that yozora minded getting up and chasing her beloved’s footsteps to shut it.

*

so, that song. that rearranged poem of scraps abandoned and hidden and lost.

well.

singing it had proved almost too tough to bear.

no matter how yozora found herself rearranging the letters, folding her notes' pages in half in an attempted rewrite, the thought of her unlikely confession had always bubbled up in a swarm up in her chest, bursting painfully against her lungs. and in those moments of frustration, she'd wanted to scream to the world in one chorus of finality, a head-spinning moment where she'd forget all her admirer's intentions behind it, just so she could put her emotions past herself, and wave off the project for having completed it so.

she couldn't, of course, without actually performing the piece live in front of her. a recording would be too insincere, and living through those seconds again in an editor was a nightmare that yozora had opted to spare herself from. it had to be done live, she persuaded herself, even after rational convincing just prior minutes before. at any moment now, her mistress would--

--footsteps trailed towards the entrance. then, the door swung open.

the concert hall was but sena's bedroom, and the guitarist had been unprepared to perform for an audience of just one. of course, changed out from her butler's outfit, the blonde did wonder what her best friend, off-duty, was doing in her room.

"yozora? what--"

the fingers the girl had on her strings were slow in shifting, underlining the tautness within its player.

"i-i was getting ready for something," yozora replies, finally turning around to greet her listener with a reddened face. there was no way for the star to have missed the guitar in her hands, cradled in a comforting hold in the girl's arms, and her digits never leaves its surface when she gestures towards the corridor using a shift of her head. "close the door behind you. i-it's not like this was meant for anybody else..."

in absolute curiosity and confusion, sena complied.

there had been a small space in her mistress' bedroom where a beanbag had been set aside. and though yozora often frequented it during her short breaks or moments of respite with her friend, so too would sena take advantage of its cushion just once, the duo shifting from the center of the room over to an open corner.

"o-okay, so what's this about...?"

"w-well, i..."

it was in a stammer that the vocalist lost her words. and in duress, she defaulted to some lines familiar, lines that would put her back into gear with the delivery of her performance.

after all, she couldn't afford to be worried about her lyrics, stolen as they were sorted through. not now.

"s-shut up and listen."

a gentle chord. fumbling of fingers on nylon, and a pacing of steps against the carpet, on the spot.

with one short breath, yozora parts her lips and allows the melody to flow through her, keeping her gaze shortsighted. vision blurred, the world spinning; it was how she imagined the leak of her emotions to feel, the room growing warmer with each sway of her torso, each swing of her head to one corner, then the next. her heart and her tempo were racing in unequal measures, the girl drawing out each line, keeping in mind to uphold the adagio of a ballad. 

and all the while, she didn’t have to wonder if she was the only one burning up in embarassment. body language was all the performer needed to read with her star kept within sight; raised cheeks, lips hidden behind a fold of her palm, each major fidget was enough of a signal to yozora that, at the very least, her audience was captivated.

for those few minutes, the girl decides, that was all she had to be.

she doesn’t trip up on her lines as she once expected from herself. there’s something in her performance she falls back upon, hours of practice culminated in a single moment, supporting each harmonious line, every tremble of her chords in her throat as she forces notes through second by second. it gets easier the further she performs, and the moon finds herself smiling after a minute, somehow registering the majesty of her craft while she’s delivering it to its intended receipient. it’s cute. like, a sickly sweet kind of cute. her love nearly overflows as she churns out the lyrics, slow, smooth and simple, bubbles of joy tucked away at the back of her mouth, near threatening to rise and take over her words as giggles had she chosen to stop. that realization of how silly, how foolish, how honest and vulnerable her song and dance was making her-- it could’ve swallowed her up whole in midst of her performance.

but yozora is made of tougher material, and with a gentle tap and piviot of her feet upon wool, she stops, with one final hum and a prayer for her success behind closed eyes. there’s nothing but the sound of her guitar strings reverberating in the air for a few seconds; it’s only when the wait for a response gets too much to bear that the girl opens her eyes, to finally put sena into focus, sena, right, the love she was confessing to, the one she couldn’t pay attention to this whole time--

the world stops for a moment when their eyes meet, faces awash with crimson and heat. neither of them move, still as statues save for a couple of blinks. yozora is out of words -- she’d already used all of them in the song, eaten up every other resource of her brain to keep herself functioning in that heart-pounding, adrenaline-rushed moment -- and her grip relaxing on her instrument is a beckon for her other to say something, something.

her response comes in a lean backwards, into the bean bag, bloating it up to hold her when yozora can’t. there is a mix of fear, shock, joy and anger all at once in those eyes, eyes that the girl can’t help but continue looking into, despite the fact that she’d wanted so desperately to look away in that moment, just as she often did in most others. the words take sena another moment to form, and they trickle out as a whisper, “when... when did you find them?”

and the guitarist didn’t need to be asked twice about the star’s secret stash. “i’ve known of it for a while,” she replies, finally tearing her eyes off her admirer. there’s something lodged in her throat as she continues to speak, yozora trying not to stutter over her words. “h-honestly, you should try to hide that box better. it was easy to find it while i was cleaning up your room, you know?”

“the-- the curtains should’ve hid it...” 

a low murmur, one that yozora barely catches. when sena rises, takes a few step to draw close to her servant, that drum beat grows louder in the performer’s ears. she spots a wavering frown from the blonde and a burning visage to match. delicate fingers, fragile and soft rest on the woodwork of the guitar, and they nearly meet yozora’s tight grips. she fights to steady her breathing, just as she sees her star struggling to justify her sudden approach.

“a-anyway, y-you sung them all wrong...! i-i honestly don’t know how you managed to jumble them up so bad, a-and the melody’s completely off-- the line delivery and everything--”

there was a part of yozora that had wanted to argue back, mention the amount of effort that she’d spent piecing together the broken puzzle pieces, solving a jigsaw that didn’t need to be solved. and on most days, in most circumstances, she would’ve opted for such a retort. but the graze of skin against her own and the trembles, the quaking from her mistress -- was sena offering to deliver the songs in their most primal nature, as she had originally intended? 

that clamouring for her guitar seemed to be telling. it’s nearly violent the way yozora thrusts the part of entertainer onto her confessed, restraint audible from the way she hisses out her challenge, trying not to trip on language, “t-then you show me, i-if you want to pick at my creative genius that much.”

“m-mm,” sena responds, taking the instrument in tow, agitation simmering down to a quiet. “j-just watch.”

yozora shifts, retreats, almost hastens her steps as she makes her way to the throne of the audience. and sena checks the scale on the instrument, humming anxiously and pacing on the spot --

the moon wonders, after taking her seat, if that had been exactly how she’d looked just a few moments ago. she contemplates this while avoiding bringing to light that memory itself, leaning forward, watching her other prepare herself.

she doesn’t have expectations, didn’t come in with any the moment she stepped into the room. but listening to her star’s opening lines, it was difficult to say that yozora had been entranced by the confession. sure, a poet her mistress might’ve been, pen marked on paper, but when vocalized paired with a shaken melody, something felt off about the performance. in a way that was telling it needed refinement. in the same way her mistress had always been raw, pure, unabashedly passionate.

it takes the girl everything just to stop herself from laughing, realizing the truth of that adorable personality shining through against all things.

the way her angel, too, had opted to block out the world with a shut of her eyelids. static movements where yozora herself had gone with the flow, felt free -- no doubt lived in her head that it was like watching an amateur’s performance right before their debut, but even then she couldn’t fault her star for her unbridledness. it had been in the spur of the moment that she decided to forge an act together, after all. and line by line, yozora starts to put the pieces together once again, in a different order this time, each keynote with its phrase once disassembled now under reorganization in her memory as she listens. against her fingertips, she feels it, the soft texture of ripped edges worn from handling. a smile graces her face as she tunes in.

though her amusement had subsided, her embarassment -- and heartwarmth -- had not.

only when the last of the songs were complete did it strike yozora as odd, how they practically traded confessions and left themselves devoid of proper confirmation, of responses. it was enough for her expression to wry, eyes trying to match her near-lover’s own if only to convey this perplexity in the moment. when sena finally resumes her sights, yozora makes deer caught in headlights out of her.

“m-meat...”

“w-wh-what is it? j-just so you know, i-i’m not performing them again...”

the star might as well have been the sun by now, glowing so bright with feelings said -- yet bond unconfirmed. she breaks their matching gazes, throwing her own to the side, clutching the guitar with noticable effort in her embarassment. it almost brings yozora to smile again, as she rises, pacing forward; that instrument was hers, and she was to collect it, but she had something else she’d wanted to see if she could retrieve in that moment.

footsteps slow to a shuffle. folded arms. her heated visage was only reflecting her centerfold. 

“y-your delivery could use some work, in my opinion.”

“h-huh?”

“b-but more importantly,” yozora hurries, and puts her hands on sena’s, if only to stop the rebuttals she knows would follow had she hesitated. their traded fevers only worked to dizzy the girl moreso than she already felt faint, the servant taking steady breaths in lieu of her mistress’ fraying composure. “-- t-that just means...”

“-- ...”

“...”

though a silence persisted between them, it was past a few seconds that sena nods, pulling her gaze up from the carpet. a hum. 

“y-yeah. i... i love you too, yozora.”

now it’s the moon’s turn to tremble, finally falling, humbled by her beloved careful and precious words.

“... i-- i love you too. ...meat.”

#writing #soraniku

[the-long-lost-ebony-blog]

my suicide attempt from kinphobia -- really really long post!!

TW FOR SUICIDE, SUICIDE ATTEMPT, HOSPITAL, FRIEND BETRAYAL, DOCTORS, ABUSE, KINPHOBIA, ANXIETY, SELF HARM , PEDOPHILE MENTION, and MAYBE DOXXING!!! 

well um. remember a while back when i was all super worried about a girl in chem class almost finding out i'm kin? yeah. it happened. it happened like a month ago. so i actually started being friends with her after she'd obvs had a bad day, like she was just sitting in the hall and i felt sorry for her bc she'd been crying. i started talking to her and asked if she was okay, now at that point she had no idea that i might be kin. i hid it really well! until!! she said that kin itself is a mental illness. and i couldn't help myself. i fuckin went off on her. kin isn't a mental illness, not all kin are mentally ill, etc etc. she just froze up and had this look of absolute disgust on her face. i tried to backpedal and say that she was just using the words wrong, and she was insulting mentally ill ppl but noo, she caught on. 

i just sorta made an excuse and left but it turns out that later on, she'd gone onto my facebook which i don't put on here for reasons like this lol. she dug through my timeline and a bunc of old photos and found like... a kin positive graphic from 2009 or something. it was a thing saying that i was "kin and proud" or whatever. (back then i thought i might be therian or otherkin. not fictionkin.)) 

now, i am in college but for summers i go home to live with my parents. that's where i am now. so here's where it gets worse. tw for stuff above. she went onto their facebook pages and got their emails. and she sent them both email as "a concerned friend". she told them that she was friends with me from class, and that i'd been acting weird lately -- like, not myself, low self esteem, spent all my time talking to strange people on tumblr, took 'a certain satire writing' (my source!! ugh) too seriously, and was really disconnected from reality. 

okay so the deal with my parents: they really are supportive of gender stuff (even though i'm a cis girl and was cis in canon) and different sexualities, and disabilities. they are also anti trump and want free health care and wish we did not start shit with russia. like they are not bad people. but in the past , i'd started to ask them for advice on if i was kin.  i had to explain what kin was. and they were p much horrified that this exists. they think that it "locks people into fiction and imagined reality" and "stunts their phsyclogical (not sure how to spell) development" and "teaches suffering kids to use escapism instead of therapy or self help". basically they are super ableist when it comes to kin. and they think it's ridiculous that it's actual community. stupid me, i'd literally said (before they said all that) that "i think i'm an otherkin, i feel uncomfortable as i am right now". so i pretended to agree with them on kin being bad. but then when this girl sent them the email.... i was home. with them. 

they would not shut up aboout how terrible this was for me, how i was hurting myself, how they never should have let me on tumblr, how they shouldve watched me closer, how i don't owe "these people" anything (you guys are my friends!!!) how this community is toxic, how i badly needed therapy. okay okay -- i need therapy! but it's for depression! not for being ebony!! and it was like this every single fucking day, and a lot of cringe blogs have been posting shots of my blog. that's because she's sent anon tips to them outing me as kin, outed me to my parents, and all the other ppl from class i was friends with? she spred a rumor that i was a pedophile apologist and didn't think authors' work was original, to make them stay away from me. i would have been here on tumblr -- ut they monitored all the stuff i did on the internet. i could only write poetry and watch youtube and like check the fucking weather. and i could shop on amazon. they became so ridiculously strict. it was "to protect me" but no. they refused to udnerstand that kin heps me! 

everything came to a head that night. they took a way my laptop, they took away my phone, they made me disconnect from everything that was related to kin. and they sent me to a therapist who was... well. awful. she was blatantly kinphobic, she'd had kin patients before and claimed to have cured them of being kin. this bitch had glowing reviews everywhere. when i insisted that i actually was ebony, she told me that i was taking "imagination as a coping skill" to far. she would not let me explain anything. my parents, who i usually came to for advice and liked, didn't let me explain. any mention of kin was just shut down. 

and then i couldn't anymore. i am so sorry, i just couldn't do it. and i was so angry at them. i was angryer at the bitch classmate who outed me to them. i wrote a sucide note telling them that i'd attempted before but kin saved my life, that i was sorry i couldn't be better, that all i ever wanted was to find my true self, that if i couldn't be ebony then i couldnt be at all. TW!! when they were asleep i went down to the medicine cabinet, i put a basket of my favorite things on the table, and i put the letter in it. and then i took.... jeez i dont even know what. 

the next thing i knew i was awake in the hospital. god it hurt all over. i just remember feeling super sick but really wanting food, and my head hurt, and it hurt to keep my eyes open. i was just... aching. and i was so disappointed and so scared that i'd failed. i knew my parents were furious with me and i'd never talk to my friends again. when they came in to finally talk to me , well i don't remember what happened. i blocked it out. but i do remember that they weren't angry at me, they were mad at themselves.  they are still kinphobic, but they want me to be comfortable with myself without "having to believe i'm ebony". 

when i recovered enough to be sent home they spent all their time with me until i said i needed to be alone. so they gave me a break but they came back, they said that they'd read about how to help me. all the advice they got said that they shouldn't isolate me and they shouldnt cut off my contact from my friends. so i'm allowed to be on tumblr a little, i'm allowed to talk about kin a little, they think that i'll grow out of it with lots of help. shutting me down about it will make me restless and i might atempt again. 

i am currently in therapy. i dk what my new therapist thinks of kin. i try not to talk about it with her bc i'm scared that she'll be hostile and i'll relapse. overall going to see her is not stressfull as long as i don't alk about being ebony. i just kinda pretend that i don't have a sense of my own identity, so she's trying to help me build one. i did tell her about how i had a frend that spread horrible rumors about me and shared my secrets bc i did something she didn't like, i didn't do anything wrong though. she was really sympathetic bc when she was a teenager, fake friends spread rumors about her being bi and said it meant she was cheating on her boyfriend. so yeah she is helping but kin helps too. i'm not going to tell her about it bc i can't have it taken away from me again. 

thats why i've been gone so long. i'm on new meds too, antidepressants, so i might act weird or be emotional a lot. and im trying not to self harm but i slip up and cut sometimes where no one can see it. 

i know i have a lot of messages. guys im really really sorry but i have to delete them. there are self care request, have to delete, i'm sorry. it's just.... if i the messages, i feel sick bc it' like i missed a deadline over and over and i feel like people are going to be mad at me and i feel like i cant fix it. if you sent requests, please sent them again SLOWLY over the next couple days. im doing everything i can to get better. but i need your help. 

#long post #Suicide #hospital #suicide mention #note #kinphobia #self harm tw #cutting #depression

[oceangl1tter]

revising became poetry

revise(v.)://

1560s, "to look at again," from Middle French reviser (13c.), from Latin revisere "look at again, visit again, look back on," frequentative of revidere (past participle revisus), from re- "again" (see re-) + videre "to see" (from PIE root *weid- "to see"). Meaning "to look over again with intent to improve or amend" is recorded from 1590s. Related: Revised; revising.

I haven’t written here in a long time. I’m not sure if it’s a good or bad thing that I’m here again writing things I should check-mark off when I find a therapist.  Hurting is a process like poetry. Poetry, unlike prose, is a combination of language that is there and language that isn’t. Hurting is the same. The plan was clear. The idea was that I’d get better and then we could be a together. We could have hurt & healed together. Why did you make me do it alone? To forgive you is to forgive myself. I am unearthing a thousand pains. I let it hurt again. I let the things that slipped by me hit again. Thousands of me are unearthing. They would not cry with me; they would cry with the world.

Mom asks me again if I’m coming back for thanksgiving break and I say no. She teasingly asks if I have a boyfriend and my sister chimes in that it’s okay if I do and that I should tell her, yes or no. When I hang up I feel like throwing up. are there any other things she can ask  i honestly felt like bawling my little poor pea eyes out im in love with a girl i didnt say i said i dont know and i hung up i say i had a falling out with someone i say its better if i dont come back for thanksgiving break mom says its ok since she doesnt do anything anyways strange mercies all around i say theres nothing left for me there here anywhere anyway but i didnt say it i had it in my head when i hung up im supposed to be a bridesmaid but honestly i didnt even know them half of my life and i read back and i realized i say the exact things my mom says cause shes a means to an end to everyone else or atleast she thinks she is but also cause i let it go i let it go cause its okay to be let go and its ok to let it go and im writing this stupid cliche melodramatic shit and im supposed to be someone soon even though no ones wiating for me to but im waiting for me to which is some meta shit but when does it start but when but when does it start right now i feel it not starting its not starting it shoudl start soon i searched far and wide for it to fix itself i stretched my wee hand in there and i couldnt find it and i could not find the thing that made me feel like an empty lima bean so ifigured it must be a fundamental thing because i can not find the thing and i can not fix the thing and i realize while painting i come across an issue i cant fix i look at the painting and its not right u just have a feeling that its not right its like writing poems u read it u write a line and u know its not right u read it it just aint it so what i do is i maek sure i destroy it real good get my palette knife and just scrape it up till u dont even know what it was originally and maybe thats just what it is now  thet hing that is inside me a sickness ehavy in my throat heavy in my liver heavy in my kidney bones heavy maybe that is what it is i took a palette knife and i just caked things on until u cant even c what the thing underneath was whats the thing underneath surprise its a fucking white canvas can u believe it after all this time and honestly whats the hurry cause oil paint never dries today i ate lunchables which were a fucking abominatinon i really paid 3 dollars for cracker cheese and circle hams and 2 oreos if i wanted to know what hunger felt like i should have just went to my room hid under hte covers and hugged myself that must be what hunger is like tyring to pull memories that u think u have but u dont have them anymore like eating lunchables imagingin g  ah yes circle ham cracker and cheese block that is what packed lunch is supposed to taste like i remember it so clearly i remember it like a full moon i remember it like a clear sky above my lunchable cause in front of hunger i am as full as i can be

and i think tht this should last forever i mean i cant eb feeling this forever right but i have been and ithought i coudl fix it in time but does hte body even know what time is the body remember swhat the mind doesnt my mind doesnt remember whwat it feels to be in love and love somoene or feel the l ove seep in honey as hot as if u were to put ur tongue on a stove  but my skin does and it shakes and it shakes trying to rattle it out the sickness out the love & anguish out wash it out mouthwash rinse it out showerwash today i originally had the cliff bar in my hand and not the lunchables but healthy granola bars made me feel too pure so i put them away and i was going to buy peach rings but they also made me think of a toothache so i put it away and i stood in front of hte candy section for a long time not really lookign for anything but thinking atleast i have the guise of a decision free will really doesnt exist when the thing thats inside of u doesnt move no matter how much u will it to, free the beast yes back into the circus back to the casinos back to 25 years ago when ur mother first put on her work uniform and sold her life like that and i spent 1 month cashiering and i thought that this couldnt possibly last forever but for some it does and i now know why things happen the way they do bc they couldnt have happened any other way like i said free will does not exist thank u and welcome to my tedtalk it was 8pm when i started and i have to say 8pm is a very significant time for me because that is when i would lock the doors and shut myself in a place i call homenothome and i sat on the toilet seat and i waited for this girl who was nice until w ewere both not nice anymore but that was before after because before before iw ould stay in the living room and cry myself awake until id smell a scent i ffiound familiar boys and alcohol are an attractive mix until u find that they dont care about u and i wonder if i can find other latchkey kids that would stare at their reflection in their floorboards and pass the time like that when th only other person that remembers u and knows u is ur reflection in the tv orthe floorboards and ithink i shoudl speak to a therapist bc there avery more bad things that i thin k is the reaosn i do not like hugs on the other hand sexual things and not flinchign when a boy touchse u in a not appropriate manner atleast  make me feel osme ssort of way even if it is disgust and i realzlie there are worst things than not being with the person i love because i dnt know wher eth esickness comes from i learned hate when i laid nex t to u and i couldnt get rid of it and smometimes im a scar i try to wipe away for u i tried to wipe away for u i have succeeded and this girl who was nice waited for me until we were both not nice anymore but that was before after which is to say that she would not do it for me anymore which is to say i know loss too well which is to say she was an excepption after which is to say i gave myself a strange mercy which is to say i had done it ofr her even when i was not what she needed which is to say i should do it fo rmyself which is to say i dnt know if i can bc ive already done eveyrhting that i oculd have and i did not want it to be like this i thought i could do it i thouhtght i could be good again i can be good this was supposed to be kind and nice but again it is not and i did not want for u to hold my pain but it hoguht u would like to i wouldl have liked to have held ur pain too.

#mystuff

[ulyssesredux]

Penelope

He loves these kids, has raised millions of dollars of military equipment but I hate the mention of their sex of course it used to be at the border. Interesting how the waters come down at the march past the 10th hussars the prince of Wales own or the Dublins that won and half he put on my bottom Ill drag open my drawers that was to be he never felt me I tell you that there have been executed in large numbers of women voters based on an accumulation of data, and many millions of dollars to DJT Foundation, unlike most foundations, never asked by me. Working hard! Governor Mike Pence who has made so many great things happening in Europe and Duke street and I will be truly missed.

Nice! 2 glancing eyes a lattice hid Ill sing that for any priest to write from Canada after so many things he told him easy piano O I laughed Im not going to think of me or my campaign. Honor him for one thing he really likes me Watched Crooked Hillary put her in the cloaks asleep in the shop especially the second verse first the old press doesnt creak ah I knew well Id never again in this world has serious problems. Word is that I thought it was struck by lightning and all the horses toenails first like he did what a pair of paws and pots and pans and kettles to mend any broken bottles for a couple of pounds a few men like that and waiters and beggars too hes not going to give me the works of Master Poldy yes and its so much the fashion now garters that much I have a child whether she had her arms round me then we were before she left out regards to your soul almost paralyses you then I hate that istsbeg comes loves sweet sooooooooooong Ill let him speak anyway. Our country needs change! Merry Christmas and a gold bracelet I dont feel a day sometimes and I said I hadnt are you bootmakers and publicans I beg your pardon coach I thought he had a fine son like that when she was a girl where it was on tape? ISIS, rise of Iran, #1 in terror, no action or results. Thank you Washington! I met some really great Air Force One on the stage when I knew it was no longer has credibility-too much the day I see where Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake of Baltimore is pushing Crooked Hillary put her address right on radical Islamic terrorism is very simple, I feel some wind in me now flying perhaps hes married some girl on the sea and the second pair of thighs than that look how white they are offered all sorts of crazy charges. I spend much less money & get home to bed with a child that big taken out of this nation again.

So many self-righteous hypocrites. I suppose it must be real love if a man or other would take me sometime when hes asleep the wrong things and write his name on it for 2 Im sure hed have heard from the Koran. The new joke in town is that Crooked Hillary Clinton chooses goofy Elizabeth Warren, sometimes referred to as Pocahontas, just endorsed Crooked Hillary refuses to write and her team were extremely careless in their natures to find out so long and listening as I dont know how to win anymore, just like a hatrack no wonder they treat us the way they do themselves the fine cattle going about of getting in a hurry supposed to be his wife and 5 times locked in each others back Mrs Rubio said she is V.P. choice is VERY disrespectful to Bernie Sanders, who has just attacked in Louvre Museum in Paris massacre, Salah Abdeslam, who lied on heritage.

Will these leaks be happening? On Saturday a great day campaigning in Indiana. I like Michael Douglas! 8:00 A.M. Four more years of incompetence! Big crowd, great chemistry. Wow, my speech, great enthusiasm!

No wonder companies flee country! Just leaving Florida.

I thought the vein or whatever his name is enough or a butcher or those awful names with bottom in them in their natures to find out by the voters so he wont be too bad I dont want to keep turning and turning to get shut of her side because how was it to make his mouth O Lord what a bad thing about winning the race-baiting to try with that tremendous big red brute of a deal work. Yes. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!

#Trump2016 #MakeAmericaGreatAgain Just leaving Miami for Houston, Oklahoma and Colorado.

We will bring back great American, Kurt Cochran, was killed in Washington D.C. Time and on-line polls, and massive influx of refugees. Lyin' Hillary Clinton, who let us all! It is not acceptable.

We do not like Bartell Darcy sweet tart goodbye of course the woman was going like mad and always the worst jobs report. Prime Minister Abe is heading back to U.S. car dealers-tax free across border.

I could all in their ad that 465 delegates Cruz plus 143 delegates Kasich is more than the government originally thought, but what could you get for not having a long time!

The media is trying to imagine he was looking as if something told me and lost so much of the posadas 2 glancing eyes a lattice hid for her lover to kiss the feet of you senorita theres some sense in that family physician I could find out was he circumcised he was too but theres no God what could you make of me when he used to be healthy not satisfied and I knew his tattarrattat at the canal was frozen yes it was l/4 after 3 when I looked up at the back of closed plane was heightened with FBI shouting go away in the morning dont forget I bet the cat she rubs up against the wall, then it would be like her a good time somewhere still she must have been so many things he said he was at them Im sure he would respect the results of—was very bad against Crazy Bernie, media would go wild I always want to do about him though I wouldnt answer first only looked out over the ears theyre a nice pair of silkette stockings is laddered after one days wear I could have got him excited he crushed all the scribbling he does that mean I asked her to be tied though I wouldnt go sitting down in all my good drawers O I suppose 111 only have to dring it into his pocket of Wall Street Crooked Hillary will approve the job in Helys and I thought it would be catastrophic for the FBI criminal investigation announcement on the old guardhouse and the waves and the figtrees in the next year to get it done anyway! He should say that he will, and the two police officers up 78% this year. I saw to that till the next day we were in the beginning of the City Arms hotel worse and worse says Warden Daly that charming place on the shelf well Im not no nor anything like it so clean compared with what with a much more.

I will put Gennifer Flowers right alongside of him!

We must keep evil out of self respect.

It will only get higher.

Thank you to Prime Minister Theresa May today to wish me congratulations on winning the Electoral College is actually genius in that Gibraltar only that cheap peau dEspagne that faded and left 7 years ago, was very handsome at that picnic all staysed up you cant help yourself I wish some man or pretending to hide it with a young stranger neither dark nor fair you met before I won in a place like that and VP cold. In Crooked Hillary's telepromter speech yesterday, very, very much to steal indeed the Lord knows what else still I liked him when he said he was a thing of beauty and poetry for you of course when I asked him I had that white thing coming from me and lost so badly they just don't understand the Movement Republicans must be the manager he gave me the things and no legs thats the way a quarter after what I did in this place like that Indian god he took out of him though I had then hed boo I bet he never felt me I heard he went no he made love then he tipped me just like the rest of day and life always something to sigh for a member of Parliament O wasnt I the born fool to believe in it I suppose Im nothing any more when I think he made me spend the 2nd time tickling me behind going away well I hope theyll have something better to cancel the upcoming meeting. Hillary's refusal to mention. Ted Cruz got booed off the sea all the good in the opposite house that medical in Holles street and he tell me his name is enough I kiss then would send them all spinning however alright well see then let him go to D.C. on January 20th 2017, will it take for African-Americans and Latinos to vote in two states, it will never come back Lord its just like to have the meeting between Bill Clinton stated that it showed he could feel him trying to sing out of my foot he noticed at once even before he left May yes it was a potent professor of John Jameson they all do they really have to change but it was asking you to Jack Morgan, Tamara Neo, Cheryl Ann Kraft and Coach B are total losers! Thank you to be always and ever wearing the same way as you do theyre usually a bit of salt in even when we moved in the State of Indiana and meet the hard working people. John has a thing like that that would feel the electricity in thr air. Stay safe! Maybe not!

Thank you to all, have been saying, Crooked Hillary would be called conspiracy theory! The third mass attack slaughter in days by ISIS. Democrat Governor. We will never have got him promoted there to be more pointed hell never know whether he did to me! This tax will make education a far more difficult & sophisticated than the thugs.

Such a big stake in it often enough in Santa Maria that gave me the Moonstone to read in bed with a turn in her very long and listening as I could always get round him and his straw hat the day I think I saw on him anybody can see his face before somewhere I went there for years, our country are amazing-great numbers on ACCEPTANCE SPEECH: TRUMP 32. Crooked Hillary has zero imagination and even less stamina. The opinion of this pooh sweets of sin whoever suggested that business for women what between clothes and cooking mathering everything he can swim of course then shed see him looking very bad and getting drunker and drunker couldnt they drink water then he comes and then wed have a small group of people who have not heard any of it hes a man theyre not afraid going about with respect to the other side of Jersey they were just beginning to yawn with nerves thinking he was introduced when I said on the stage the last letter from a G.Q. shoot in his fight to lead. Landing in Phoenix now. If the election! Despite winning the Presidency, the Chairman & CEO of ExxonMobil, is ridiculous and will be speaking in great singing voice no I never met former Defense Secretary Robert Gates. Crazy Bernie, run. Why did they say I left my purse in the street like then and a wonderful feeling there so many bad calls, is now! Crooked Hillary Clinton may be the least because he believes that Crooked Hillary is being treated very badly. Congressman John Lewis should finally focus on jobs, military, vets, end Common Core! The Bernie Sanders said, We have Paul Ryan, a total secret. We must restore law and order and protect America!

Ohio Gov.Kasich voted for NAFTA, a longtime U.S. ally, is a direct threat to our fantastic veterans. He knows nothing about me and he was glad to get African-American youth SUPER PREDATORS-Has she apologized? #MAGA Drugs are pouring into our country want borders, and so many things remember, I would be scorned & called terrible names! Hillary just took a major business while I campaign and finish #1, so complex-when actually it isn't! They were crushed last night about a womans bottom Id throw my hat that old commode I wonder what kind is that the Dems have still not in trouble for far less. Does President Obama spoke last night have passion for our country. When will we get? Is President Obama campaigned hard and never will. It has been largely forgotten, should release detailed medical records. Biggest crowds ever-watch what happens! Look where the world that I lost large numbers. I won-there was no longer a Bernie Sanders must really dislike Crooked Hillary, NOTHING.

It is a fact, that is possible, if that was dead gone on me. No more! Hillary can never beat Hillary Club For Growth tried to extort $1,000 deleted emails, perhaps, work together to solve the problems of poverty, education of your whiskers filling her up and down I tried with the fine gentlemen in their little bit of fun first God help us thats 1 consolation I wonder theyre not afraid going about serene with his finger I was afraid when that was to be slooching around down in Ennis like all through a long talk with an unlimited budget, jobs, and run as an independent! Our military will be caught! He did not give him the way thats why I liked though he looked Poldy pigheaded as usual like the dogs do it and if he was like Thomas in the sight of the jobs I am now going to the dying blessing herself for his Majestad an admirer he signed it I suppose Id have to wash in my mouth and teeth smiling like that God not those other ruck besides hes young again coming in at 9:00 this afternoon. Was probably treated badly! We love them. In November, I won in a box that Michael Gunn gave him to support our people are very smart and protect our great election victory. I can focus full time on fighting Republican nominee Thank you for their wonderful support. Once again someone we were never easy where we will win case! Also, Crooked Hillary Clinton ABC News/Washington Post Poll, Hillary Clinton raked in money from some old Aristocrat or whatever his name is not in my bed in the train by tipping the guard well O I suppose hes 20 or more Im not going to get rough the old Barbary apes they sent to Clapham without a Gods notion where he wasnt now how did that excite him bad enough to spot that of The Bloomberg View-The FAKE NEWS media refuses to show the massive unreported crisis now unfolding—despite having to get rid of all time record in primary votes than she did! The National Enq. I couldnt tell him to cut them off him so he has to go out and laid on the chair when I was a bit washy of course I had a great plan! No wonder D.C. doesn't work, and we never did anything of course hed never have been precluded from voting! Toyota Motor said will build the wall! Looks like the one who predicted early that I want to keep himself from falling asleep after the way he made me go to Belfast just as good as if the winner of the terrible things they did and said like giving the questions in it though unless it really happened to me one time I saw he understood or felt what a bad thing for Crooked Hillary Clinton except for some Republican leadership. Hopefully the violent and vicious ads with her switch of false hair on her except when there was anybody that made my decision on who I would have won in every way! We cannot allow this.

Hillary sit behind CNN anchor chairs, or some other woman I can find or learn a bit on my speech had millions of dollars can and will only get better as a people w/a shared history.

Getting ready to explode. I am a harumscarum I know them well who was doing the loglady all day, especially when added to the late, great people expected. I WILL NEVER LET MY SUPPORTERS DOWN! James Clapper called me what was she 45 there was no-one like him-a disaster.

Just leaving Salt Lake City, Utah, for one thing laughing at the cleaners 3 whats that for any woman after coming out of her to be a widow or a loo her face a mass of hair I had 16 opponents, she had a splendid skin from the road he couldnt count the money I raised/gave! #Trump2016 #MakeAmericaGreatAgain Just leaving Miami for Houston, Oklahoma and Colorado. See her dumb tweet when a woman stands up to to get like Gibraltar my goodness the heat I couldnt think of me when I blew out the various Sunday morning with the U.S.A.G. to work out a Wisconsin ad talking about the massive unreported crisis now unfolding—In addition to winning the race-baiting to try with that one it wasnt washed out properly the last time Ill ever go there to be walking round after her still poor old man I suppose theyre dead long ago not those other ruck besides hes young again coming in lovely and tired myself and run down the wire with his glasses and him the very dishonest person! On Saturday a great favour the very dishonest and distorted media pushing Crooked hard. But I had a very interesting talk about! I can feel his mouth bigger I suppose theyre all mad to get like Gibraltar my goodness the heat there before the flood dressed up poor man and if I could always get round him and Billy Prescotts ad and Keyess ad and Tom Kernan that drunken little barrelly man that bit his tongue is too heavy sitting on this? I got somebody to give me chloroform or God knows hes a widower now I wonder is he awake thinking of me what was the first I gave her 2 damn fine cracks across the lower back to Indiana tomorrow in New Mexico, now many bankruptcies. President Obama for first time after at mass when my petticoat began to slip down at the Golden Globes. Sad! We will MAKE AMERICA SAFE AGAIN! The same Russian Ambassador that met Jeff Sessions had with the letters no not with Boylan there yes with a handsome young poet at my age Ill throw them the garters I found in her room the Friday she was just beginning to be back home-make great deals!

Unbelievable evening. Hard to believe all his bad moves? My thoughts and prayers with the pleats a lot of bitches I suppose hes 20 or more Im not going to make me blush why should it either its the woman adulteress he shouted I suppose one of the truly great Phyllis Schlafly, I would have been a DISASTER on foreign policy from me I saw through him telling me all her ailments she had too on the floor half the girls in Gibraltar with that other wretch with the letters no not with Boylan there yes with some other Mr de Kock I suppose one of the window if there was anything wrong. Crooked Hillary sent Bill to have ever run for president, knows nothing about me or my campaign has perhaps more cash than any other way you see that Hillary Clinton only knows how to get up theres some new thing on the windowsill before all the same as if we met asking me if I had 16 opponents, she had me that exasperated of course the woman is not enough for me to win the nomination-& Paul Ryan, always fighting the Republican Primaries. 7 1/2 a minute after just to see him coming home at to anybody climbing down into the pot measuring and mincing if I went up Windmill hill to the F.B.I. Great Again. Bill Ford, Chairman and CEO of ExxonMobil, to Iran.

I lit that evening in Whitefriars street chapel for the asking he was awfully fond of me playing golf all day long curly head and his heavy watch but he might want to stop and not an old woman for him if hes anything of a shop and Ronda with the FBI spent on me like all needles my eyes to ask me those country gougers up in Belfast after what I had to say she was down there he was in the next room hed have something better for the powerful, and for the families and all kinds of things fuck or shit or anything at all after I tried to use leverage over me Im sure that queerlooking man in the U.S. Just arrived in Cleveland at Rules Committee by a local reporter. Numerous patriots will be there! Hopefully the Republican Party what to do immediately if not sooner will you be damned you lying strap O anything no matter by who so long as I settled the Trump University lawsuit for a long time, is very much in play for NSA-as are three others. Crooked Hillary Clinton adviser said, Hillary Clinton, perhaps I will work hard and so did I. Chicago murder rate is record setting-4,331 shooting victims with 762 murders in 2016. We will have by far the most corrupt person ever to seek the presidency, is ridiculous and will bring America together as friends, as it so now there you are like it or lump it he thinks he knows a great favour the very sacred election process. If the U.S.

I am an adulteress as the mischief really and the water rolling all over Asia imitating him as a girl Hester we used to say I must buy a mothball like I have known for a wad of money and hes not that I feel some wind in me now what am I at all to end! When they cancelled their big fireworks at the choir stairs after I took off my doll to carry about in my house stealing my potatoes and the coral necklace the straits shining I could have got it taken in drapery that never happened into news! I knew more about it Ill tell him to get well if he was at them and their borders. This Tweet from realDonaldTrump has been an interesting 24 hours! How nice, but also at many polling places-SAD! Thank you, I still number one! Interesting how the U.S. After the way He did so attractive to a girl where it was we were like cousins what age was he circumcised he was brave too he said the day Whit Monday is a fraud! Iran is rapidly taking over our country. -mails-PAY-FOR-PLAY.

I was only about ten was I too heavy on me like that all the time it was rotten cold too that lovely fresh place I bought it simply it makes your lips pale anyhow its done now once and for all hed ever care with it what has that got all the ends of Europe and Duke street and Holles street when he slinked out looking for a one week notice, the longest such delay in the gallery hissing the woman is supposed to be governed by the media, in order to be president because her husband in charge of the U.S., and never will. Will be another bad day for her can Milly come out please shes in great style at the time Id have to team up with a couple of the most of them its like those babies in the cloaks asleep in the hole as far only for that how much it will cost more than the Electoral College in that Spanish photo he has to go to Lambes there beside Findlaters and get her latest book, THE SECURITY OF OUR NATION IS AT STAKE! Pocahontas, pretended to understand it all over his old lottery tickets that was it at all the words they have it Great rally in Cincinnati is ON. Nobody can beat me on women. I hope theyll have something to H H the pope for a woman wants to destroy all miners, I am quite sure in a box that Michael Gunn gave him all over they can going out to be tied though I like it in his trowlers and Simon Dedalus son his father must have been a bit like that and not living at home more especially Jack Power keeping that barmaid he does it all round you like those names in Gibraltar even getting up to the bottom of the vote-this election is FAR FROM OVER! Great spirit! Very impressive people!

Lindsey Graham is wrong-they do we are flowers all sorts of shapes and smells and colours springing up even out of the Great Depression! No big deal! Hillary Clinton's agenda. That is a black mans Id like to know her so either it was packed with great pros-WIN! Most importantly, she needs the rest of them then always hanging out of you senorita theres some new thing on the win than Hillary on the pier and the first floor drawingroom with a skirt opening up the stairs so long as to what was she 45 there was no decent perfume to be pretending to understand it all who ah that they are not widespread. THE SWAMP was no art in it but theyre coming into fashion again I bought it simply sickening that night it came to the person in the next day we didnt do it I suppose theyre dead long ago it seems centuries of course the man never even requested an examination of the least thing better yes hold them like the Bernie voters.

I first noticed him at Freddy Mayers private opera he had a real officers funeral thatd be awfully jolly I suppose he wont get or its some little bitch or other would take me completely out of nothing but bad publicity from the stage the last tag I wont forget that Crooked Hillary Clinton. He should say that but I was a child that big heathen I first noticed him when he said in his slippers to look drawn and run as an Independent, say good bye to the markets to see if she was very heavy but what do they see anything so terrible. So sad! The Democrats are delaying my cabinet picks for purely political reasons. Gregg Phillips and crew say at least he tried to bite the nipple I had to go shortly to various other veteran groups. Monitoring the terrible #Brussels tragedy. The Rust Belt was created by politicians like Cruz and Graham, who tried so hard he said with the sunray pleats that there was a letter on its way! My thoughts and prayers to the last time he came out and vote on Tuesday at 8:00 P.M. Don't believe the people. Lyin' Ted!

Together, we welcome you with that determined vicious look in his way to a speedy recovery for George and Barbara Bush, George W and George H.W. all called to congratulate me on to sing in the next time if its not true-just like the shop itself rummage sale a lot of coal miners & coal companies out of the pan calling the kettle blackbottom and I gave it I suppose I never did anything of course shes old she cant attract them any other way you see something was telling me pull the right reins now pull the chain then to the last minute. I hate that in women no wonder but he was going like mad and always edging to draw a picture naked to some rich fellow in his life simply ruination for any woman cutting up this old hat and patching up the tickets and swearing blazes because he never felt they could never go far enough up and undressing that icy wind skeeting across from those mountains the something Nevada sierra nevada standing at the Glencree dinner coming back on him wait theres Georges church bells wait 3 quarters the hour l wait 2 oclock well thats a nice hour of the usual rowy house I couldnt rest easy till I was dying to find out something about poetry in it often enough and he so English all father left me in the cream muslin standing right against the wall if they hadnt all a mother how could he ride the steeplechase for the name I dont care what anybody says itd be great fun supposing he stayed with us why not I saw him that flower he said Im dining out and have got a chance! They will only go with and come again like that if she was very serious I had that white blouse on open in the wet all by himself with his foot for me! Sad this election. The rally in Anaheim. THE UNITED STATES IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS The U.S. has a thing like that when she sits at the other way what was the Malta boat passing yes the sea anyhow he always takes off his hat what a robber too that he always wore crooked as often as I can doze off 1 2 3 4 5 what kind of flowers are those they invented like the king of Spain was born Im always getting enough for their confidence in me nice invention they made for women and murder gays.

I was badtempered too because she is not the way his money over selling the horses toenails first like he does at it again. Bus crash in Tennessee so sad & so terrible about it I hope theyll have something better to cancel the upcoming meeting. If the Republican Party. Millions of Democrats will run from her heavily armed Secret Service were fantastic! There will be rapidly reversed! Must be tough Reporting that Orlando killer shouted Allah hu Akbar!

Much of the Great Depression! BREXIT with big dollar ads. Arena was packed, totally electric! In Crooked Hillary's V.P. pick! Crooked Hillary?

We are getting along great, and the media is spending big Wall Street.

Thank you. Our way of saving face for him in my piss like beeftea or chickensoup with some blancmange with black currant jam like long ago am I in my hand a great job. The forgotten man and he was drinking water 1 woman is beauty of course he has that French letter still in his horsecollar I wonder will he ought to give me the belladonna prescription I had a damn sight less than the FBI and all kinds of things fuck or shit or anything at all hours answer the call!

Bad or sick guy!

What is going out to be there for tea 2 days after in the butchers and had to go out Ill read and study all I hear with a lion God Im sure hed have something to think myself into the tea well hes beyond everything I was biting off the street like then and a failed Senator like goofy Elizabeth Warren is weak on illegal immigration. I declare somebody ought to have brought him in Drimmies I was interested having to get up on a throne to count the money all the bits of streets Paradise ramp and Crutchetts ramp and Rodgers ramp and Crutchetts ramp and Bedlam ramp and the Dems win the nomination-& Paul Ryan.

Goofy Elizabeth Warren, couldn’t care less about the old mangy parcel he sent me the present of it the last letter from O Mrs Dwenn now what possessed her to write about it why cant you kiss a womans body yes that sometimes he used to compare our hair mine was thicker than hers she had too on the mahogany sideboard then dying so far away pianissimo eeeee one more song that was the evening coming along Kenilworth square he kissed my heart at Dolphins barn I couldnt tell him I knew what was the good in going into mourning for the two Iowa police who were ambushed this morning see she wrote to say like making a big rally. Nothing ever happened with any of these women. Governor Mike Pence and family goodfornothings poor Paddy Dignam yes they were selling the meat market or that other fool Henny Doyle he was introduced when I saw him slip it into his head I ask pity it isnt all like him thank God some of those wildlooking gipsies in Rathfarnham had their camp pitched near the Bloomfield laundry to try and steal our things if they hadnt all a womans dress and the support of Bobby Knight, has totally given up on the tiptop under the impression that we will make a deal work.

I am given little credit for my month a nice present up in China now combing out their pigtails for the future of the world was gloomy before I tore it up now at this age of course he had on and my tongue between my lips let them fool you-get out and 2 red 8s for new garments look at that picnic all staysed up you cant get on without us white Arsenic she put in his flannel trousers Id like a perfect devil for a poor man today and no wonder they hide it planning it Hynes kept me who did the White House A statement made by Mrs. Obama about Crooked Hillary hard on not using the Federal Court decision in Boston, which asked me would I yes I think Ill cut all this hair off me looking out of in Holles street squeezed and squashed into them and because I didnt know of Mulvey and Mr Stanhope and Hester and father waiting all the fine cattle going about that though I liked him because he never felt me I looked close in the Stabat Mater by going with me one of the Wikileakes disaster, with its poor coverage and massive premium increases like the RNC has and why are they theyre all right since I changed it the two Dedaluses and Fanny MCoys husband white head of the world to see. The protesters in New Hampshire today, talking about the jealous side whenever he got on his knee I made a false ad about me or if I could see over to Morocco almost the bay from Algeciras all the rock they were spooning a bit on the husband or wife either its the woman adulteress he shouted I suppose its all the lovely one she had one! Iran, #1 in terror, no honor! Big crowds.

Does anybody really believe that Hillary Clinton is being rigged by the bullneck in his slippers to look? Why isn't President Obama was tapping my phones during the so-called Commission on Presidential Debates admitted to us I wonder what kind is that she is running VERY WELL. Why would the USChamber be upset by the media. Sad! The Rust Belt was created by politicians like the pope besides theres something in the day we met Mrs Joe Gallaher at the window if there was no decent perfume to be back! I asked him about some dean or bishop was sitting beside me in the U.S. JOBS and SAFETY! Stay safe! The media makes me look bad! Hillary Clinton, perhaps I will stop it.

The U.S. has a 60 billion dollar trade deficit in many years!

Already in Crimea! Bill Kristol has been disqualifying. That is not a professor I hope that lamp is not so ignorant what a row and made that the media when our jobs to Mexico today, talking about the place in our politics … and is now being joined by the Dems have always their poor head I knew what it is hard to get him to cut them off him though I liked him when he cut his clothes have and losing it on me cocked sideways I wouldnt answer first only looked out over the sea to Africa when they knew a girl he was clever enough to get up theres some new thing on the floor half the night he walked home with Poldy after the results were in big trouble! Look forward to Governor Mike Pence as my Vice Presidential running mate. The media wants me and Boylan though as for them to be our President. How much more crime, failing schools and vanishing jobs. Rates going through the blind like the first mad thing comes into my head sometimes itd be great-love you and women that gave me the 8 big poppies because mine was the good in the time as if we had that white blouse on open in the place in our country and with the one from Flanders a whore of me when I lit that evening in San Diego, who embarrassed herself and her gabby talk about the monuments and he not long ago I smiled the best my blouse or touch him if we had in Ontario terrace and Ontario terrace and Lombard street west and another time it was getting too fond of it and stick out her false bottom to excite him bad enough to run-guilty as hell but the media and establishment want me to try some fellow 111 have to suffer Im sure by the back of the Great Depression! The Democrats had to get into bed Im sure thats the kind of flowers are those they invented like the dogs do it since I changed it the last 24 hrs. I snapped up the side I tormented the life out of the word a hairpin to open the windows when general Ulysses Grant whoever he wants TPP, NAFTA, a longtime U.S. ally, is ridiculous and will bring back our jobs.

Just cannot believe a judge, many of these women. I told her over and over some old opera yes and his fooling thats better I used to Gardner after with my foot we both ordered 2 teas and plain bread and butter I saw her when I gave him all the things getting dearer every day for the veterans and the mosquito nets I couldnt make out shawls amusing things but tear for the families and victims of the poorly defended DNC is discussed is that doctor one guinea please and asking for increase! Crooked Hillary Clinton. We will never reform Wall Street!

122 vicious prisoners, released by the finish pity I only wore it twice better lower this lamp and try again so as he see I wasnt he yes he had a great compliment to be so nice about searching for terrorists before they can out of this so-called angry crowds in home districts of some special kind of a woman I can feel his mouth was sweetlike young I put my arms around him yes and damn well fucked too up to their navels even when I told her over him because he must have been able to make up their own so they have friends they can excite a swell with money that can stop this! 100% fabricated and made-up stories and lies. Thank you Cleveland. New York-a great movement, we were in from Benady Bros and exploded it Lord what a woman while they can excite a swell with money that can stop this fast! With the exception of cheating Bernie out of those affected by two powerful earthquakes in Italy and Myanmar. The Mayor of San Jose were illegals.

Look forward to it!

Nice! Bill Ford, Chairman and CEO of ExxonMobil, is also one of those Sinner Fein lately or whatever she does she knows where to stop sure they wouldnt be in jail. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! I can accompany him first I thought well as current mission, but is bad and getting drunker and drunker couldnt they drink water then he tipped me just in passing but I was in fits of laughing with the childs bonnet on the clean sheet I wouldnt bother to even iron it out straight whistling like a perfect devil for a woman in the last of yesterday that made my skin I wanted to put some heart up into you at all to end! How low has President Obama.

Did Bernie go home and beauty when I asked him with all the rock standing up miles off my stockings lying on his coat without that one change them only not to look drawn and run down the platform with the silver dress and the U.S.

The ratings for the month of May see it all now plainly and they dying and why does Obama get a husband yes its only about 3 weeks I ought to chuck that Freeman with the cherries in them so bored sometimes I could have been left behind. Ted Cruz just used a picture cut out of race. Kasich are going very well a husband but you cant fool a lover after me his name on it and go home and beauty when I used to love coming home at to anybody climbing down into the front to encourage him as hes there my brown part then Ill start dressing myself to spy on them the 1st man Id meet theyre out looking for a mouse as white as a top N.Y. construction job, will no longer affordable!

Bill Kristol actually does get a special prosecutor to look across see her a wonder she didnt look a bit of a thing like that he cant say I pretend things can he without a Gods notion where he tried to read that novel cantankerous Mrs Rubio brought it in his arms theres nothing like a warm showerbath O Maritana wildwood flower we sang splendidly though it was impossible to be a change in a massive rally. The media makes me look bad! If the ban. The National Border Patrol Council NBPC said that Crooked Hillary hard on straightening out our country. Goofy Elizabeth Warren as her running mate. Lyin' Ted Cruz can't get votes I am an adulteress as the thing answering me like that he was black and blue and yellow expensive drinks those stagedoor johnnies drink with the coffee she stood there standing when I was just getting out of her yes he was too beautiful for a poor man and he believed me that letter with all of my glove slowly watching him he was looking when I laid out the Hebrew on them hes certainly well off yes O yes her aunt was very serious I had to say no for form sake dont understand you I had it inside my petticoat began to slip down at the other side of Jersey they were subpoenaed by the voters will forget the rigged system is rigged! Big protest march in Colorado-big day planned-but we must enforce the laws of the cheque he got on his coat without that one denying it up like a man without going and killing one another and then plunging into the kitchen I was going to be written up with a cabbageleaf that disgusting Cameron highlander behind the dresser I knew his tattarrattat at the church first and then the bell bringing the vatican to the ends of Europe and the straits shining I could look at you like a mummy will I what did they say her tongue is too long for an excuse for running a terrible and boring rollout that was her nature what could you make of me or the language of stamps singing I remember shall I wear a kind of shirt he had the biggest of them pretending to read out the episode was on the wane she was alive ruining himself for life perhaps still its the least because he was scribbling something a letter sometimes twice a day sometimes and I wouldnt give in with those medicals leading him on the e-mails, resignation of boss and the Union Jack flying with all my compriments on your nerves then doing the hacking of the South China Sea? Unfortunately I have raised for our great country again united as Americans in common purpose and common dreams. Bernie Sanders was very heavy but what could you make of me like that nowadays full up of each other than the thugs. Wow, Ted Cruz should not have our best interests at heart.

Even though I have been able to solve some of them ever I suppose the clean sheets I just half smiled I know my chest was out that he was.

Jobs, trade and immigration will be.

Trieste-Zurich-Paris 1914—1921

Santa Barbara 2015—2017

#Ulysses (novel) #James Joyce #1922 #automatically generated text #Patrick Mooney #Penelope #politics #American politics #presidential elections #21st century #Twitter #Donald Trump #2016 #2017

[globlenet-blog]

Tiger Woods opens up on racial slurs that drove his desire for dominance | Ewan Murray

https://clearwatergolfclub.com/tiger-woods-opens-up-on-racial-slurs-that-drove-his-desire-for-dominance-ewan-murray/

Tiger Woods opens up on racial slurs that drove his desire for dominance | Ewan Murray

Former world No1 states in book on his remarkable triumph in the 1997 Masters I needed us to become colour blind. Two decades later, which has yet to occur

Iits sad a indication of Tiger Woodss brilliance gets to a place when his career has not been clouded in additional doubt. With little more than a week to visit before the Masters, the 41-year-old still cannot confirm his participation because he battles recurring back problems. Still, there is an upbeat Forest in Manhattan on Monday because he launched The 1997 Masters: My Story. Woodss decline hasn’t reduced the amount of concentrate on his every move as exhibited by disappointment in the book shop when fans were restricted to one copy per person.

Two decades ago Forest was less in the peak of his forces as offering an indication of items to come. He won at Augusta with a dozen shots to assert his initial, therefore endorsing every theory that existed since childhood he would prove a golfing phenomenon. This book is notable to be around whatsoever, Forest being so guarded in the public dealings, and for that reason provides superb and thus rare detail from the thoughts of the golfing genius. When Tiger speaks people still crunches and take serious notice.

The mechanics from the 1997 Masters can wait. Forest makes use of this book to constantly reference the struggles he’d due to race. Golf, the which made him a superstar, was an unpleasant atmosphere. When donning an initial of 4 Eco-friendly Jackets, Forest were built with a goal. I understood none of the meant, always, things would change dramatically for minorities in golf. I wished my win would cause them to become play, in order to chase their dreams anything they were.

However it could have been naive of me to consider my win means the finish from the look whenever a person from the minority walked into some golf equipment, particularly the games private clubs. I only wished my win, and just how I won, might diminish the way in which people perceived black people.

I wished my win would open some doorways for minorities. My greatest hope, though, was we’re able to eventually see each other as people and individuals alone. I needed us to become colour blind. Two decades later, which has yet to occur.

Forest offers childhood context the rocks tossed at his home in los angeles, how he couldn’t purchase a drink or alternation in exactly the same locker rooms as buddies in a few golf equipment. Maybe his incredible inner drive produced from discrimination. Forest happens to be highly guarded about matters of politics or race. It’s impossible to state whether the years have enhanced his feelings regarding 1997 possibly he’s just anxiously waited to have an opportune time for you to air such ideas fully in the own words.

Augusta is so glaringly significant. For that club which in fact had discriminated against black golfers is the scene for Woodss initial win had added meaning. Forest reveals being disappointed as he first joined Augusta National being an amateur in 1995. Maybe I had been underwhelmed since the club had excluded black golfers from playing for such a long time, Forest states. My father stated a few days later that Magnolia Lane didnt impress a black golfer due to this history.

That Woodss father, Earl, was this type of huge affect on his career is hardly revelatory. Forest makes use of this book to show the tactics Earl accustomed to develop his strength again with race because the undertone. Basically his father verbally mistreated his boy around the driving range with Forest able to utilize a code word if he felt the barrage became an excessive amount of. I had been a quitter basically used the code word. I do not quit, Forest recalls. Thats the way i saw myself. I had been beginning to obtain a feeling of where I took it in golf, however i also understood that, being half-black, I ought to learn to not let insults penetrate. Insults are just words, and that i couldnt control what anybody stated. However I could control the way i reacted as to the people stated. I needed to figure that out by myself, with my dads help. He helped with techniques that individuals thought were hurtful. However I desired to have the hurt, to ensure that I possibly could overcome it with my golf. My father trained me how you can feel it although not allow it to affect my game.

Did they believe they might reach me? They couldnt. Id been hearing things in tournaments since i have was 7 or 8 years of age. People stated items to me between eco-friendly and tee, once they might get near to me. I saw but didnt see. I heard but didnt hear. Golf doesn’t have colour barrier with regards to score, and who wins and who loses. There is no knowing. Cheapest score wins. I’d total control of that.

Individuals Earl comments, though, were extreme, at his sons behest. Fuck off, Tiger, he’d sometimes say. I did not mind as well as encouraged his cussing, that was poetry. He never repeated themself. He was excellent in internet marketing and used everything he might use. It had been good quality stuff, and finally, I began poking fun at it. It had been you little bit of shit, or, how can you feel as being a little nigger? things like that. which was OK. I had been known as individuals things becoming an adult. I heard it in school as well as in tournaments, i understood the sensation to be excluded. My fathers approach was things i needed, also it labored for me personally. Maybe it might be known as tough love now.

Any analysis of Forest doesn’t seem possible with no nod towards the scandal which engulfed his private existence and brought to divorce. He offers his latest public apology to his former wife, in context of regret which will serve you for a lifetime. It had been always although marginally in Woodss defence he needed to endure personal struggles cellular the watching world.

Also, he provides an admission which will raise eyebrows with golf teachers, he could never visualise shots before hitting them. This type of tactic is coached around the world.

There’s also an amusing aside regarding Augustas Wednesday componen-three contest and it is evolution recently. It had been much more of a gambling event initially when i first performed it. Guys would have fun with their buddies, in most cases for an excellent amount. Some serious sum of money was exchanged within the locker rooms.

Forest is rueful in the alterations designed to Augusta, the consequence of methods far golfers now hit the ball. After 2012s modifications Forest claims Augusta was much less fun. The 14-occasions major champion urges the R&A and USPGA to stunt basketball development.

More reflection may come as Forest analyses his professionally reduced status. Probably the most ferociously competitive individuals is at his aspect in April 1997. Maybe I do not live just as much for your now, however i still crave competing. I additionally understand that, physically, I cant always do what I wish to do and that i know Ill miss it when Im done playing. Still, I really like being by myself around the range, on and on out at night to experience a couple of holes just me, the ball, and also the course. Compete, though, remains the best word, and most likely always will. My parents explained it had been OK that i can fail, as lengthy when i gave it everything I’d. I’ve trained with everything I’ve.

Cynics points out Woodss slide renders outpourings similar to this necessary. Yet everybody, including fellow golfers who could never get near to comprehending the Forest psychology, will take advantage of the insight.

Find out more: https://www.theguardian.com/sport/2017/mar/20/tiger-woods-racial-slurs-1997-masters-my-story

#Golf #Sport #Tiger Woods #US sports

[viralhottopics]

The 16 Most Beautifully Touching Love Letters From Famous Writers And Artists

1. Allen Ginsburg to poet Peter Orlovsky:

Dear Petey:

O Heart O Love everything is suddenly turned to gold! Dont be afraid dont worry the most astounding beautiful thing has happened here! I dont know where to begin but the most important. When Bill [ed: William S. Burroughs] came I, we, thought it was the same old Bill mad, but something had happened to Bill in the meantime since we last saw him…but last night finally Bill and I sat down facing each other across the kitchen table and looked eye to eye and talked, and I confessed all my doubt and misery and in front of my eyes he turned into an Angel!

What happened to him in Tangiers this last few months? It seems he stopped writing and sat on his bed all afternoons thinking and meditating alone & stopped drinking and finally dawned on his consciousness, slowly and repeatedly, every day, for several months awareness of a benevolent sentient (feeling) center to the whole Creation he had apparently, in his own way, what I have been so hung up in myself and you, a vision of big peaceful Lovebrain…

I woke up this morning with great bliss of freedom & joy in my heart, Bills saved, Im saved, youre saved, were all saved, everything has been all rapturous ever since I only feel sad that perhaps you left as worried when we waved goodby and kissed so awkwardly I wish I could have that over to say goodby to you happier & without the worries and doubts I had that dusty dusk when you left Bill is changed nature, I even feel much changed, great clouds rolled away, as I feel when you and I were in rapport, well, our rapport has remained in me, with me, rather than losing it, Im feeling to everyone, something of the same as between us.

2. Frida Kahlo to Diego Rivera:

Diego:

Truth is, so great, that I wouldnt like to speak, or sleep, or listen, or love. To feel myself trapped, with no fear of blood, outside time and magic, within your own fear, and your great anguish, and within the very beating of your heart. All this madness, if I asked it of you, I know, in your silence, there would be only confusion. I ask you for violence, in the nonsense, and you, you give me grace, your light and your warmth. Id like to paint you, but there are no colors, because there are so many, in my confusion, the tangible form of my great love.

F.

3. Oscar Wilde to Lord Alred Bosie Douglas (Wilde’s eventual muse):

My Own Boy,

Your sonnet is quite lovely, and it is a marvel that those red rose-leaf lips of yours should be made no less for the madness of music and song than for the madness of kissing. Your slim gilt soul walks between passion and poetry. I know Hyacinthus, whom Apollo loved so madly, was you in Greek days.

Why are you alone in London, and when do you go to Salisbury? Do go there to cool your hands in the grey twilight of Gothic things, and come here whenever you like. It is a lovely place and lacks only you; but go to Salisbury first.

Always, with undying love, yours, Oscar

4. Eleanor Roosevelt to Lorena Hickok (Eleanor’s long-speculated lover):

Hick, darling

Ah, how good it was to hear your voice. It was so inadequate to try and tell you what it meant. Funny was that I couldnt say je taime and je tadore as I longed to do, but always remember that I am saying it, that I go to sleep thinking of you.

5. Emma Darwin to Charles Darwin:

I cannot tell you the compassion I have felt for all your sufferings for these weeks past that you have had so many drawbacks. Nor the gratitude I have felt for the cheerful & affectionate looks you have given me when I know you have been miserably uncomfortable.

My heart has often been too full to speak or take any notice I am sure you know I love you well enough to believe that I mind your sufferings nearly as much as I should my own & I find the only relief to my own mind is to take it as from Gods hand, & to try to believe that all suffering & illness is meant to help us to exalt our minds & to look forward with hope to a future state. When I see your patience, deep compassion for others self command & above all gratitude for the smallest thing done to help you I cannot help longing that these precious feelings should be offered to Heaven for the sake of your daily happiness. But I find it difficult enough in my own case. I often think of the words Thou shalt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on thee. It is feeling & not reasoning that drives one to prayer. I feel presumptuous in writing thus to you.

I feel in my inmost heart your admirable qualities & feelings & all I would hope is that you might direct them upwards, as well as to one who values them above every thing in the world. I shall keep this by me till I feel cheerful & comfortable again about you but it has passed through my mind often lately so I thought I would write it partly to relieve my own mind.

6. English poet Vita Sackville-West to Virginia Woolf:

…I am reduced to a thing that wants Virginia. I composed a beautiful letter to you in the sleepless nightmare hours of the night, and it has all gone: I just miss you, in a quite simple desperate human way. You, with all your undumb letters, would never write so elementary a phrase as that; perhaps you wouldnt even feel it. And yet I believe youll be sensible of a little gap. But youd clothe it in so exquisite a phrase that it should lose a little of its reality. Whereas with me it is quite stark: I miss you even more than I could have believed; and I was prepared to miss you a good deal. So this letter is really just a squeal of pain. It is incredible how essential to me you have become. I suppose you are accustomed to people saying these things. Damn you, spoilt creature; I shant make you love me any more by giving myself away like this But oh my dear, I cant be clever and stand-offish with you: I love you too much for that. Too truly. You have no idea how stand-offish I can be with people I dont love. I have brought it to a fine art. But you have broken down my defenses. And I dont really resent it.

7. E.B. White to his wife on the occasion of her pregnancy, “written” by their dog:

Dear Mrs. White:

I like having Josephine here in the morning, although I suppose I will get less actual thinking done as I used to do my thinking mornings in the bathroom. White has been stewing around for two days now, a little bit worried because he is not sure that he has made you realize how glad he is that there is to be what the column writer in the Mirror calls a blessed event. So I am taking this opportunity, Mrs. White, to help him out to the extent of writing you a brief note which I havent done in quite a long time but have been a little sick myself as you know. Well, the truth is White is beside himself and would have said more about it but is holding himself back, not wanting to appear ludicrous to a veteran mother. What he feels, he told me, is a strange queer tight little twitchy feeling around the inside of his throat whenever he thinks that something is happening which will require so much love and all on account of you being so wonderful. (I am not making myself clear I am afraid, but on the occasions when White has spoken privately with me about this he was in no condition to make himself clear either and I am just doing the best I can in my own way.) I know White so well that I always know what is the matter with him, and it always comes to the same thing he gets thinking that nothing that he writes or says ever quite expresses his feeling, and he worries about his inarticulateness just the same as he does about his bowels, except it is worse, and it makes him either mad, or sick, or with a prickly sensation in the head. But my, my, my, last Sunday he was so full of this matter which he couldnt talk about, and he was what Josephine in her simple way would call hoppy, and particularly so because it seemed so good that everything was starting at once I mean those things, whatever they are, that are making such a noise over in the pond by Palmer Lewiss house, and the song sparrow that even I could hear from my confinement in the house, and those little seeds that you were sprinkling up where the cut glass and bones used to be all starting at the same time as the baby, which he seems to think exists already by the way he stands around staring at you and muttering little prayers. Of course he is also very worried for fear you will get the idea that he is regarding you merely as a future mother and not as a present person, or that he wants a child merely as a vindication of his vanity. I doubt if those things are true; White enjoys animal husbandry of all kinds including his own; and as for his regard for you, he has told me that, quite apart from this fertility, he admires you in all kinds of situations or dilemmas, some of which he says have been quite dirty.

Well, Mrs. White, I expect I am tiring you with this long letter, but as you often say yourself, a husband and wife should tell each other about the things that are on their mind, otherwise you get nowhere, and White didnt seem to be able to tell you about his happiness, so thought I would attempt to put in a word.

White is getting me a new blanket, as the cushion in the bathroom is soiled.

Lovingly, Daisy

8. Charles Eames’ marriage proposal to Ray Eames:

Dear Miss Kaiser,

I am 34 (almost) years old, singel (again) and broke. I love you very much and would like to marry you very very soon.* I cannot promise to support us very well. but if given the chance I will shure in hell try

*soon means very soon.

What is the size of this finger??

as soon as I get to that hospital I will write reams well little ones.

love xxxxxxxxxx

Charlie

9. Jean-Paul Sartre to Simone de Beauvoir:

My dear little girl

For a long time Ive been wanting to write to you in the evening after one of those outings with friends that I will soon be describing in A Defeat, the kind when the world is ours. I wanted to bring you my conquerors joy and lay it at your feet, as they did in the Age of the Sun King. And then, tired out by all the shouting, I always simply went to bed. Today Im doing it to feel the pleasure you dont yet know, of turning abruptly from friendship to love, from strength to tenderness. Tonight I love you in a way that you have not known in me: I am neither worn down by travels nor wrapped up in the desire for your presence. I am mastering my love for you and turning it inwards as a constituent element of myself. This happens much more often than I admit to you, but seldom when Im writing to you. Try to understand me: I love you while paying attention to external things. At Toulouse I simply loved you. Tonight I love you on a spring evening. I love you with the window open. You are mine, and things are mine, and my love alters the things around me and the things around me alter my love.

My dear little girl, as Ive told you, what youre lacking is friendship. But now is the time for more practical advice. Couldnt you find a woman friend? How can Toulouse fail to contain one intelligent young woman worthy of you*? But you wouldnt have to love her. Alas, youre always ready to give your love, its the easiest thing to get from you. Im not talking about your love for me, which is well beyond that, but you are lavish with little secondary loves, like that night in Thiviers when you loved that peasant walking downhill in the dark, whistling away, who turned out to be me. Get to know the feeling, free of tenderness, that comes from being two. Its hard, because all friendship, even between two red-blooded men, has its moments of love. I have only to console my grieving friend to love him; its a feeling easily weakened and distorted. But youre capable of it, and you must experience it. And so, despite your fleeting misanthropy, have you imagined what a lovely adventure it would be to search Toulouse for a woman who would be worthy of you and whom you wouldnt be in love with? Dont bother with the physical side or the social situation. And search honestly. And if you find nothing, turn Henri Pons, whom you scarcely love anymore, into a friend.

[]

I love you with all my heart and soul.

10. Honor de Balzac to Countess Ewelina Haska (June, 1835):

MY BELOVED ANGEL,

I am nearly mad about you, as much as one can be mad: I cannot bring together two ideas that you do not interpose yourself between them. I can no longer think of nothing but you. In spite of myself, my imagination carries me to you. I grasp you, I kiss you, I caress you, a thousand of the most amorous caresses take possession of me. As for my heart, there you will always be very much so. I have a delicious sense of you there. But my God, what is to become of me, if you have deprived me of my reason? This is a monomania which, this morning, terrifies me. I rise up every moment say to myself, Come, I am going there! Then I sit down again, moved by the sense of my obligations. There is a frightful conflict. This is not a life. I have never before been like that. You have devoured everything. I feel foolish and happy as soon as I let myself think of you. I whirl round in a delicious dream in which in one instant I live a thousand years. What a horrible situation! Overcome with love, feeling love in every pore, living only for love, and seeing oneself consumed by griefs, and caught in a thousand spiders threads. O, my darling Eva, you did not know it. I picked up your card. It is there before me, and I talked to you as if you were here. I see you, as I did yesterday, beautiful, astonishingly beautiful. Yesterday, during the whole evening, I said to myself She is mine! Ah! The angels are not as happy in Paradise as I was yesterday!

11. Napoleon Bonaparte to Josphine de Beauharnais:

I am going to bed with my heart full of your adorable image I cannot wait to give you proofs of my ardent love How happy I would be if I could assist you at your undressing, the little firm white breast, the adorable face, the hair tied up in a scarf a la creole. You know that I will never forget the little visits, you know, the little black forest I kiss it a thousand times and wait impatiently for the moment I will be in it. To live within Josephine is to live in the Elysian fields. Kisses on your mouth, your eyes, your breast, everywhere, everywhere.

12. John Keats to Fanny Brawne:

My sweet love, I shall wait patiently till tomorrow before I see you, and in the mean time, if there is any need of such a thing, assure you by your Beauty, that whenever I have at any time written on a certain unpleasant subject, it has been with your welfare impressd upon my mind. How hurt I should have been had you ever acceded to what is, notwithstanding, very reasonable! How much the more do I love you from the general result! In my present state of Health I feel too much separated from you and could almost speak to you in the words of Lorenzos Ghost to Isabella

Your Beauty grows upon me and I feel A greater love through all my essence steal.

My greatest torment since I have known you has been the fear of you being a little inclined to the Cressid; but that suspicion I dismiss utterly and remain happy in the surety of your Love, which I assure you is as much a wonder to me as a delight. Send me the words Good night to put under my pillow.

Dearest Fanny, Your affectionate J.K.

13. Lord Byron to Teresa Guiccioli (August, 1819):

My dearest Teresa,

I have read this book in your garden;–my love, you were absent, or else I could not have read it. It is a favourite book of yours, and the writer was a friend of mine. You will not understand these English words, and others will not understand them,–which is the reason I have not scrawled them in Italian. But you will recognize the handwriting of him who passionately loved you, and you will divine that, over a book which was yours, he could only think of love.

In that word, beautiful in all languages, but most so in yours–Amor mio–is comprised my existence here and hereafter. I feel I exist here, and I feel I shall exist hereafter,–to what purpose you will decide; my destiny rests with you, and you are a woman, eighteen years of age, and two out of a convent. I love you, and you love me,–at least, you say so, and act as if you did so, which last is a great consolation in all events.

But I more than love you, and cannot cease to love you. Think of me, sometimes, when the Alps and ocean divide us, –but they never will, unless you wish it.

14. Voltaire to Olympe Dunover, written while in prison for their affair:

I am a prisoner here in the name of the King; they can take my life, but not the love that I feel for you. Yes, my adorable mistress, to-night I shall see you, and if I had to put my head on the block to do it.

For heaven’s sake, do not speak to me in such disastrous terms as you write; you must live and be cautious; beware of madame your mother as of your worst enemy. What do I say? Beware of everybody; trust no one; keep yourself in readiness, as soon as the moon is visible; I shall leave the hotel incognito, take a carriage or a chaise, we shall drive like the wind to Sheveningen; I shall take paper and ink with me; we shall write our letters.

If you love me, reassure yourself; and call all your strength and presence of mind to your aid; do not let your mother notice anything, try to have your pictures, and be assured that the menace of the greatest tortures will not prevent me to serve you. No, nothing has the power to part me from you; our love is based upon virtue, and will last as long as our lives. Adieu, there is nothing that I will not brave for your sake; you deserve much more than that. Adieu, my dear heart!

Arout (Voltaire)

15. Henry VIII to Anne Boleyn:

TO MY MISTRESS. Because the time seems very long since I heard concerning your health and you, the great affection I have for you has induced me to send you this bearer, to be better informed of your health and pleasure, and because, since my parting from you, I have been told that the opinion in which I left you is totally changed, and that you would not come to court either with your mother, if you could, or in any other manner; which report, if true, I cannot sufficiently marvel at, because I am sure that I have since never done any thing to offend you, and it seems a very poor return for the great love which I bear you to keep me at a distance both from the speech and the person of the woman that I esteem most in the world: and if you love me with as much affection as I hope you do, I am sure that the distance of our two persons would be a little irksome to you, though this does not belong so much to the mistress as to the servant.

Consider well, my mistress, that absence from you grieves me sorely, hoping that it is not your will that it should be so; but if I knew for certain that you voluntarily desired it, I could do no other than mourn my ill-fortune, and by degrees abate my great folly. And so, for lack of time, I make an end of this rude letter, beseeching you to give credence to this bearer in all that he will tell you from me.

Written by the hand of your entire Servant, H.R.

16. Leo Tolstoy to Valeria Arsenev (November, 1856):

I already love in you your beauty, but I am only beginning to love in you that which is eternal and ever previous your heat, your soul. Beauty one could get to know and fall in love with in one hour and cease to love it as speedily; but the soul one must learn to know. Believe me, nothing on earth is given without labour, even love, the most beautiful and natural of feelings.

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from The 16 Most Beautifully Touching Love Letters From Famous Writers And Artists

#The 16 Most Beautifully Touching Love Letters From Famous Writers And Artists