#cant fucking trick me ive heard it once now i know what its gonna be every time
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Life After Snowpiercer: Whos Left?
Summary- 5.3k. Curtis x Y/N. Curtis takes Yona and Timmy towards the back of the train, finding unexpected survivors along the way. You are caught in a situation not so simple to escape from. Violence
a/n- The scenes involving gun fire, I cant claim to know exactly how they work, seeing as Ive never dealt with them, so details might be sketchy.
Chapter 5 / Masterlist
The group followed you, but hell if you knew where you were going, more and more people came out of the cars scattered around, equally in as much shock as you. Somewhere someone was wailing uncontrollably, there was still who knows how many guards in the car you all left, and right now the mix of people looking at You, of all people to tell them what to do. It was just overwhelming. Almost to much. You could feel your breathing rush in hurried huffs, and your senses starting to swarm.
Babygirl Breathe.
Curtis Its to much.
Think, you need to get them out of the cold first, Shelter. Pick the best car.
Okay....
“Alright everyone were not gonna last out here, and its gonna be dark soon.” Shadows were starting to stretch around you all, and the sky above you all was going from a bright blue hue to purplish and bits of stars were scattering around. When you looked up, it was still like out of a dream. When did you last gaze at stars? “Is there any car anyone knows of that might have food, blankets... anything?”
Everyone looked among one another, when someone you were least suspecting to see stepped forward, Paul, who had been taken from the tail end years ago cleared his throat. “That one on the end, its full of protein bars, the machinery is all broke, but that one and the one behind are still connected together when I came out, and it was abandoned before Curtis came through. Plenty of room for all of us.” You nod in agreement, and sure everyone stayed together, you all moved as a group. Falling back to where Paul brought up the rear, you walked beside him, silent for a bit.
“Paul... have you been in that car this whole time?” You did the math, it was five or six cars up if the old maps in Gilliams place were correct.
“Yea, it wasnt a bad gig” The man shrugged his shoulder. “Lonely, but I still got to see people a few times a day. They came to collect the bars, hand me the red letters.”
Your brows come together, the ones Curtis depended on. “Red letters, the ones giving us clues on how to break out?”
“Oh I dont know what they said, I was just told to place them in random bars and make sure they went out to the tail end.” Paul just stated as if it was common knowledge.
Fucking hell, this whole time it was a set up. The thought occurred to you, the weight of it was so heavy in your chest, you held back a sob. All those hours Curtis planned around the information sent. All of it just a set up. Why?
“How was Curtis when he went through?” Was he okay? How long ago was this? Must have been a couple days ago at least.
“He was fine Y/N, shocked to see me, and and pissed about the red letters, but hey, I do what Im told. Okay, this should be the one.” He broke away from you, and climbed up to the door, ducking inside. You glance over your shoulder, and your old car is barely in view, and you could see a few men standing near it, but unable to really tell if it the armed guards. Hopefully they are unable to get there shit together and try anything. Luckily you and the kids had a good amount of weapons collected before you bolted to the outside.
Paul called from inside “Y’all can come on in.” Sara limped up next to you, pressing a red rag to her shoulder, looking up. “I’m gonna need help this time” You nod and lope an arm around her waist, feeling her weight lean into you. “I got you this time Sara, were in this together.” The woman flashed you a grateful smile, and together you two wait for the crowd to disperse inside. Once it was just the two of you, you climb up first and reach back, taking her good arm, and as quickly as you were able, you help her up into the doorway, and together you two enter.
It was dim, but nothing like the tail end darkness, so your sight adjusts quickly, already people are huddling together, passing along protein bars, and mostly its quiet except for the occasional hushed whispers. The person wailing endlessly had since stopped in one of the many cars you all passed. Exhaustion and Shock kept you from searching them out. You should, guilt eats at you. But you turn away from the door for now, checking over the people instead. So far all the kids, including a few from the other cars all seemed fine. You knew Sara was bad off, and you found a few others with lacerations, bad bruises and concussions, and at least two who had a shoulder thrown out of joint. But the reports of those that couldn’t be helped was outstanding.
The one thing you were relieved to find was that no one seemed to be fighting. It was a mix of all sorts of factions, there were at least ten cars that dropped, and it ranged from you tail enders, a few from the prison section from what you could tell by there clothing, and a few “lower class” carts that were still much better off then you all were. But now everyone simply were together, there was no breaking of class. Hopefully it would just stay that way. All in all, there were about 30 of you crammed in as tight as possible to stay warm.
You moved back to the entrance and set on the edge, with the gun you had brought with you, keeping an eye on the landscape. Watching for any others to follow there trail, friend or foe. You roll up the collar of your coat you were wearing. It wasnt keeping you very warm, but better then nothing. Your eyes half closed hours later, and nodding off.
It was so damn cold...
I know it is baby, you should close your eyes.
Liar, thats just my mind playing tricks.
All you could hear was his agreeing laughter, yea you couldnt sleep.
“Miss?” A warm hand came to your face, the back of it touching your wind burned ruddy cheeks, making you gasp in surprise and jump slightly.
“Wh-at? Oh sorry... I must have nodded off.”
The man smiled, settling down in the doorway across from you, his jacket was slightly heavier, but still clouds of breath escaped him to glide into the night. “Its okay, you should let me take over for a while? I know we dont know each other, but its not on just you to watch. I can help any more that might arrive inside.”
You eye him, and he had warm eyes from what you can tell, god you wish you knew if you could trust him. “Im not just looking for more survivors. Our tail end was being held under guard. When we left, it was escaping them as well. Not many survived, but enough.”
“Yes, we saw the guards come through after the revolution passed through.” Another sign of Curtis, further up from Pauls car. You couldn’t help but smile hearing about him, fuck you missed him terribly. You hid your smile in your coat, finally it passed and you turned back to the man. “He is a stubborn man when he wants something. And he wanted us out of the tail end.”
“That he does, we had no cause to stand in there way, he passed us peacefully. Some of out people actually joined his cause. Its not as bad as your car, but we are tired of the imprisonment as well. My name is John by the way.” He held his hand out, and you unfolded yours from your sleeve, shaking his and gave your name as well. You werent going to give up your post, and he relaxed on the opposite side, apparently not willing to leave. You two were quiet for a time, when piercing through the night was the worst sound youve heard in a while. It kareened from the top of the cliff, a scream that echoed around the valley you were all stuck in.
It made you jump up, leaning out of the doorway to look up. And John did the same, cussing softly “Fuck what was that?” You shook your head.
“Nothing good.... “
During the time You were settling the survivors in the car, Curtis paused panting, it had long since grown dark out, following the light of the stars above them, it made the snow glow silver, stretching out in front of them. The train didn’t seem this long when he was fighting his way through the cars. Of course then it was adrenaline fueling him on. This time it was exhaustion. “Timmy, lets take a break buddy.” The boy on his back tightened his arms around Curtis neck, not wanting to let go, muttering sleepily in against his neck. “Okay... just swing around man.” Curtis coached him, and soon he had the boy slid around to his chest, stepping over to stand next to Yona, who was already curled up against the side of the train to get out of the wind. She needed more clothes, better clothes, fuck.
“Yona, take Timmy... “ Curtis pried the boys arms from around his neck, and she sleepily reached up to take the kid, drawing him into her. Curtis shrugged out of his jacket and draped it over them. Looking into the dark car they were huddling against, maybe there was some blankets in there. He heard rustling inside, but nothing more. Grabbing an outside bar, he pulled himself into the entrance to look inside He couldn’t make out anyone in the shadows, but that meant nothing. “I’m coming in, I don’t want any trouble.”
Hearing nothing more, he slid inside, it didnt look like he was going to have much luck. Nothing but bodies scattered around, and axes, the smell of blood, dried blood prominent. Shit, this was the car from the bridge. Thats when he saw that the tied prisoners he had left behind were killed to, deep ax cuts to there neck, squatting near one, he studied the man, drawing his own conclusions. They must have finished off the rest after he left. Breathing in deeply and rubbing a hand against his face. They had the right to after all the torture they had endured over the years, but part of him was still disappointed in the death. So much fucken death.
At least it was quicker then starving and shit, he thought.
Its still wrong Curtis, they were unarmed at this point.
Yea I know, but can you blame them. We were unarmed and starving in the tail end and they never gave a shit.
A touch of your hand and sigh, you just were so damn tired in his mind.
“Curtis?” a voice from the other end mentioned, and he pushed to a stand, brows furrowed at the noise, he swore he heard his name. “Hello?”
“Curtis! back here!” It was louder, more urgent. He recognized that voice, Tam from the back, she had come up behind them once the fighting was done, helping the injured. Curtis made his way over the scattered bodies and debris scattered around, and what did he find, fuck he found a small group of his people, helping one another up, and others laying out side by side, ones that had injuries, preventing them from moving to much. Tam moved to grasp Curtis pulling him into an affectionate hug “Damn are we glad to see you! We lost most everyone Curtis, were all thats left. They came back through and pinned us down, claimed 74 percent of us were to be killed.” The tears streamed down her face freely, as she released him and pulled back. “they were about to march us back when the train, I’m guessing went off the track? It caught them unaware enough we were able to fight back. There wasn’t many.... but we just didn’t know what to do, what was ahead, if you, Tonya, Nam... the rest were still alive?”
Curtis shook his head, swallowing down the sorrow. “No, they didn’t make it. Its just me, Yona, and I was able to get Timmy back. Not Andy, I never saw him.”
Tams head hung for the loss of there friends, and Curtis turned his attention back to the door. “I got to go get Yona and Timmy, now that I know its you all, we we will stay here. Tomorrow those that can, we are going to see about whats left of the tail end. I was told they went over a cliff... but I have to know.”
Tam nodded, as well as a few others that came to join in the conversation, Curtis questioned. “No ones seen Y/N, have they?” Maybe you didn’t listen, he could hope.
“No, she stayed in the back with the kids.... just like you told her she had to.” They had all seen you drag her back into Gilliams quarters just before it all started. Curtis sighed to himself, not his finest moment thinking back on it. It tore him to think now how you two left things. How you might not be....
STOP IT! You cant think that way.
I shouldn’t have done that babygirl, left you in anger.
No WE shouldn’t, we will fix this, go get the kids now.
Turning away from the group, he made his way back, and looking out the door, he saw his two charges still under his jacket, hiding away. “Timmy, Yona, lets get inside, its safe.” Yona first poked her head out from there little hideaway, and pushed Timmy into a stand, the two of them making there way to the entrance. Reaching down, Curtis grasped Timmys arm and hauled him up the side, pulling him in “Go all the way to the back, Tam and them are up there.” The boy nodded and started to head towards the back, Curtis leaned down and took a wrapped Yoda by the arm, and she was slightly heavier, grunting with the effort and pain lacing his ribs as she scrambled best she could up the side, landing with a oof when she fell in. “Sorry Yona” He apologized while she brushed herself off and made to take off his coat to return it. “ no you hang onto it for now. I will take it back tomorrow morning. Maybe they have something back there you can use before we head out.”
“But your gonna freeze Curtis” Her head tilted, studying him. He dismissed it with a shake of his head and together they headed back to the group. Tam was kneeling next to Timmy, cupping his face and studying some of the bruises on his face. The boy was starting to come out of the trance state Curtis first found him in, talking more. He had yet to ask about his mother, and Curtis figured right now it would be to much to have that discussion, Not yet anyways. If he wasn’t asking, Curtis was content to let it just stay silent till they were all in a better place.
“Our wounded, how bad are they?” Curtis asked another as he headed over to see whom was over there, it wasn’t your, or the it was Our, they were a group again, looking out for one another best they could. There looked like five or six, some perfectly silent, another one was groaning in his sleep. Tam came over, her arms folded around her “Bad, I don’t know if they will all make it. What I wouldn’t give for Y/N to be here, at least we would have some direction in what to do” Curtis clenched his jaw hearing this.
Fuck I wish you were here to baby. He sighed inwardly, what he wouldn’t give to hear you tell him it would be okay.
“The one i’m most worried about is Edgar, the wound is deep, and it took a while for the wound to clot. I mean hes conscious...”
“Wait! Edgars alive?!” Curtis scanned over the covered people again, looking for anyone familiar.
“Yea, hes that one up at the end, wait... you didn’t know Curtis?” Tam followed along behind and Curtis made his way over, and sure enough, Edgar was fast asleep, pale as hell, but damn it the kid was alive. “No, we left in such a hurry after the bridge...” He rushed his words to Tam, just in shock. Curtis collapsed to his knees next to him, relief just washing over him. “Fuck man its good to see you” He whispered, and beside him Edgar groaned and opened his eyes.
“Yea man, its good to see you to.”
What happened hung in the air, but left unsaid for now, Curtis knew he had yet another apology to make, another mistake. Edgar went to sit up and Tam immediately put a stop to that.
“You lay your ass back down Edgar. You lost to much blood to be moving around any, and that wound reopens, no telling if we can get it to stop.” With a roll of his eyes he fell back to lay still. Curtis looked questioning up at Tam.
“The knife missed the spine and vitals, but its deep enough to leave a gaping hole. It needs to be sewed up, or cauterized. But we just don’t have the materials.” Edgar raised enough to lean on his elbow.
“Well someone should go looking for that shite, right?” Curtis was relieved to hear that accent of his once more, never thought he would hear it again. “I cant be laying up here the whole damn time.”
It occurred to Curtis that maybe they could do one. “Yona... Yona, has my jacket. Nam gave me a smoke just before, theres some matches in the pocket.” Tam hurried over to where Yona was sleeping, searching in the pockets of his jacket. Rewarded when she pulled out the old half disintegrated book of matches, and miraculously they were still dry. Curtis started looking around for things to burn, searching the deads pockets for anything flammable. Finally having an plan in place, meant he could at least fix part of something.
Having enough materials gathered, Curtis collected one of the Axes, cleaning off the dried blood caking the edge. He hoped the fire would burn off any other debris to keep from infecting Edgar. Tam worked on getting the fire hot, and Edgar laid on his stomach, watching the flames. Curtis eyes would glance up once in a while to catch his expression. Clouded, unsure if it was from pain, or remembering how Curtis how turned away when Masons men had the knife to his throat. Curtis couldn’t forget it, He shouldn’t have left him.
“Edgar I---”
“Stop man, were not doing this. Not now, not ever.” Edgar glared at him to shut him up, and Curtis closed his mouth, running the rag once more over the blades edge, there was a tiny spot, he swore he could see it although the axe gleamed spotless.
Moments later, Tam blew lightly on the fire, and it went from hot reddish orange to white hot laces of blue. “I think this is as hot as were gonna get it Curtis, put the blade in.” She sat back, and rested her hands on her knee. “Edgar, your ready for this?”
“As ready as I’m gonna be” He winced a bit and settled in. Giving the axe time to heat, the trio remained silent, all till there was a slight smolder rising from the head pushed in the coals. “Bite on this” Tam informed, holding out a cloth. Reluctantly, cause damn this was gonna hurt like a bitch, Edgar wedged it in his mouth, nodding.
Curtis moved to hes shoulders, his uninjured arm pressing on either side of his shoulder blades. Putting his weight behind it, he was sure Edgar would thrash, and it was vital to keep him as still as possible. He felt the man drawing in deep breaths and surprisingly he seemed relaxed under his hold, calm. Tam moved in close to Edgars side, lifting the handle of the ax and drawing it out of the fire. They had seconds to sear it shut, having the metal hot enough to scar him closed. Curtis gave a curt, ‘Im ready’ nod, and Tam laid the broad side of the axe right over the wound.
It was a hiss at first, the scent of burning flesh rising almost immediately, and Edgar tensed rigidly, trying to push away and the noise. The noise was probably the hardest part to deal with. Not the smell, not feeling Edgar try to escape pain. It rose so sharply, that Edgar lost what he was biting on, and it just seemed magnified from where they were in the hollowed car. Curtis almost lost his hold on him, having to dig in his heel and lean fully into him. “Come on Edgar, its gonna be okay, were almost done”
His words had no meaning, and finally after a bit, Edgar just collapsed under him, Tam yanked the axe away, and Curtis broke into a sob, dropping his forehead to lean against the passed out Edgars head. “Fuck, I’m so sorry... “ his voice dragged out. Edgar was like his brother, this on top of everything else just fuck was tearing him. After a few moments to calm himself down, Curtis leaned over to check that he was breathing fine. Thank fuck he passed out, Curtis could hear your worry edging your voice. The wound, make sure its sealed Curtis....
His hand slid down Edgars back, and deep redness had settled in, around the cut it was black, a few shallow boils forming, but all in all, the hole was shut. “I think we got it Tam” He said as released his hold on Edgar and Tam as careful as could be dragged the blanket up to where the wound was still red hot, not daring to put anything on it.
“What do you wanna do next Curtis?” Tam moved over to sit next to him, drawing her legs up and staring into the fire that was loosing its drive to burn, having scored most of the material into ash at this point. Curtis nudged some of it with his boot, shifting the coals. Already he was falling into that leader roll, he could sense others were listening into there conversation, waiting to see what he would say.
I wonder how they would feel if they knew I caused the train to derail.
No different babes, now were not prisoners anymore, were actually free to make our own choices for our future.
“Going to check on the end cars like my original plan was. There is probably survivors and we have to check on our people, if they survived, there might be some that need help with injuries. Then back towards the front, theres food up there, the cars up there are in better shape.”
“What about the front enders?” Tam questioned, and Curtis looked at her with a shrug.
“They either accept us, or we will push them out. Thats been the goal this whole time, and I’m not stopping now.” So matter of fact, Tam went silent, and together they waited till morning to come seeping in, a new day, a new way of life.
You were watching the beginning of your first sunrise, and you couldn’t help the tears that yet again got caught in your lashes. There are different kinds, and in the past few days you shed them all. Grief, pain, fear... but these felt different, rewarding. There salty drops fell on your lips and a flick of the tongue collected them before you brushed them away. John stretched and with a pop of his arms over his head, he moved to a stand. “I’ve seen many of these over the years... “ You look up in surprise, then consider, well maybe his section had windows. “... But this is the best damn sunset i’ve seen.”
“Its the first one I’ve seen in seventeen years” You remarked, blinking against the light bouncing off the ice and snow. “And I have to say its more beautiful then I remember it being.”
I wish you could see this Handsome, a wistful tone in your thoughts.
I am baby, almost the best thing I’ve ever seen.... almost.
Love you to Curtis.
While you were admiring the arrival of light, a flash out of the corner of your eye catches your attention, and you tilt your head to the side to see what it was. Mistake.... as you found out when a sharp whizz blew over your head and bounced off the metal with a loud ping and sparks flew, both you and John tumbling back with wide eyed gasps. “What the fuck!” he exclaimed and you scramble low to rest the weapon you stole from them the day before out the entrance of the car.
“Remember how I told you we were being held under guard? Well... I might have stabbed one in the eye just before the train derailed. They want us back for other things as well.”
“Do you even know how to use that Y/N?” John asked as he to ducked out of line of sight, staying further hidden then you.
“No, but I can give an educated guess. How about you see if there is someone back there who does?” You use the scope to look, they were still a distance off, and with luck John would be back sooner with someone who knew how to use one of these thing. So far nothing more has been fired, since you no longer made yourself a target, but you tried to study them, count how many there were. So far give made up the line, but who knows, some might be on the other side of the train, holding back... You scanned away from the edge, across the landscape, but that didn’t hold anything worth noticing. Maybe, just maybe there were only five left. Five fully trained to use there weapons men. FUCK.
“Hey, found someone!” John exclaimed and a petite woman slid up beside you, glancing over the edge. “These bastards wanna play fire with fire? Lets give them some back.” Well damn, you hand it over immediately as she made herself comfortable. “Johanna by the way, nice to meet you Y/N” she caught you by surprise knowing your name, and she smirked. “Hey I was a few car up from John, weve all heard of you tail enders and your revolution. About fucken time.” She peered into the scope and flipped off the safety. Seeming to take measure of where she was aiming, Johnana proved patient. John had long sense disappeared back among the group to gather more bullets, hopefully they had enough to keep this new threat back.
It was so sudden, her finger was resting on the trigger, and then a couple shots went off, she barely flinched at the moment, but you cringed with them both. A curse muttered from her lips as she pulled back “They are sticking pretty close to the train, hard to get a shot off at this side angle, but they are now at least aware were not defenseless.”
Curtis shook his head at Yona, who stood defiant before him, her arms crossed over her chest and head tilted to the side. “Your not going, thats that. Stay here and help look after the others.”
“That is foolish, I can help.” She pushed, trying her hardest to convince him. “My dad... he might be out there.” A softer tone making her look down, trying to also convince herself that maybe, just maybe he survived. Curtis squatted down closer to her level, his hands cupping her face to make her look at him.
“Yona, I swear if hes alive, I will bring him back, okay? After everything he did for us, you have my word. I really need you here, Timmy trusts you more then these others, and Edgar needs to be taken cared of. Please, can you do this for me?”
This seemed ot appease the young woman, who gave a nod relenting and once they both agreed to these terms, she went to Edgars side, kneeling beside him and touching his forehead. The man was still asleep, and Curtis hoped it wasnt a sign of any kind of fever, although Tam remained nearby constantly hovering. His back was still an angry red, but it wasn’t as intense feeling of heat rolling from the wound, so that was something.
Gathering others to join him, they all worked there way out of the train. Mostly they had axes shared among them, there were a few discarded rifles from the earlier battle at the bridge, in which Curtis himself collected one, slinging it around to hang off his back. They went in a single file, the few of them that joined, and every car they came to, they checked for survivors. After the brutal cold night, they weren’t successful in find any stragglers. Before they even got to the cliffs edge, a noise was brought to them. Sounds like... gunshots. The whole group looked at one another and sped up, pushing through the snow as fast as they could break through it. Once they reached the cliff, they looked down to see what the hell was going on.
The cars below were scattered around, some on there sides, some had still somehow remained upright, but it was a mess, there old car, the tail end was on its side, dented and half split at the seam. It must have hit the hardest the way it was bounced away from the others, sure its momentum had dragged the rest down with it.. From what Curtis could see, the survivors were pinned in one car, the one that seemed to still be upright, by the cliff face. Those outside of the car, Wilfords men, the ones Wilford issued the kill orders to. Shots were exchanged with from a group of men pressing along another car for coverage. But a scan of showed others coming up the backside. Shit... He was sure none of them had any idea there was more then what those that was shooting at them.
Curtis swung the weapon he carried around, and took aim best he could. There was no telling at this distance and his general inexperience if he was close to any of the targets, the couple others that also had the same advantage took up sentry on each side of him. Picking a target, Curtis took a breath and steadied himself till his sight wasn’t shaking. A breath out, and he pulled that trigger. The resounding BOOM flooded the valley, snow spitting up feet from the man. He missed but the guy stumbled back and raced around the corner of the car. Curtis other companions also fired at around the same time. And one aimed just so, the guard falling back with a burst of red scattering across the snow. Direct kill shot.
Surprised at now being shot above, the rest scrambled away, heading away from the cliff face and using the demolished cars for cover, they soon were out of sight for the time being. Curtis swung the rifle in a sweeping motion, checking before going to the pinned car, and studying it for movement.
Thats when he caught a glimpse. It was not even a second, and Curtis could only guess that it was actually You, but it was enough for his chest to tighten painfully, and all those other things just narrow into one single thought.
YOU WERE ALIVE.
@curtisbbq @what-is-your-plan-today @p8tn0lish @jeremyrennerfanxxxx123
@jtargaryen18 @thatweirdwalangpake @official-and-unstable-satan
#snowpiercer#curtis everett#curtis everett x reader#curtis everett x y/n#chris evans#trauma#violence
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for the whump dialogue thing: either 4, 19, or 20! it’s up to you.
I’m gonna try and add them all together!!!!4: “I’m going to break your hand now. Please do try and keep the noise down.”19: “The pain meds aren’t working! Don’t you hear him?” 20: “Bud, you can’t rest yet. Keep your eyes open.”
Peter doesn’t know how long it’s been. All he know is that he doesn’t remember a life before pain. He remembers breaking his collarbone, 2 ribs, and femur all on one night of patrolling and compared to this, that felt like nothing.
This man, holding him in this dark basement for only God knows why, has hurt him in so many different ways, Peter can’t even start to compile a list of injuries. So much hurts that nothing truly hurts anymore. It hurts so much, it’s numb in the worst way.
He doesn’t even know if he’s screaming anymore. His throat is too torn up to handle even a whisper. He must scream though because the man picks up his hand in his and holds it gently. His voice isn’t as gentle as his touch, but he’s not exactly soft-spoken either. “I’m going to break your hand now. Please do try to keep the noise down. Your constant screaming gives me such a headache.”
Peter would let out a sob at the warning earlier in his captivity, but now, a broken hand is nothing. It’ll probably just tickle--.
“Break his hand and I’ll break your fucking neck.”
That voice...that voice is familiar. It makes Peter feel safer than he has in weeks. It’s been a while since he’s heard it. It’s been a while since he believed he’d hear it again.
The man holding him goes still and Peter can see the fear in his eyes as they widen. He turns his head over his shoulder and then Peter can see him. The light shining from behind him outlines him like an angel. His guardian angel.
“Stark--?” He doesn’t even finish his sentence before Tony is punching him across the face and he drops to the floor. Even though he doesn’t get up and Peter knows he’s unconscious, it doesn’t make him feel any more relieved. Feeling relieved is just an easy way to let his guard down and let more pain in.
So, even though he was safe and out of danger, he didn’t move. He was never truly safe. Not down here. Not with this man.
Tony barely spares that man on the ground another look as he took a step closer. He reaches a hand out but didn’t stopped just before it came near him as Peter felt his body flinch. Or at least he thinks it flinched. He isn’t sure what his body does anymore. He tries to distance himself from it. It’s easier to deal with the pain that way.
“Pete, it’s me. It’s Tony...” His voice is quiet and not how Peter remembers it. “I’m gonna take you home now.”
Peter lets out a gruntled whine involuntarily. He can’t leave. That’s against the rules and he knows the consequences of not listening. He doesn’t want that lesson repeated. So he stares ahead and blinks.
Tony looks more worried and his eyes are watery. Peter wants to fall into his arms like he’s imagined in every rescue scenario, but now he’s terrified. “Buddy,” he tries again, his voice cracking, “it’s me. You’re okay. You’re safe.”
Peter lets out a whimper he wishes he could have held back because he only seems even more pathetic. His eyes flicker down to the man unconscious on the floor.
Tony follows his gaze and just like always, he knows exactly what to say when Peter says nothing at all. He turns around to someone behind him (Peter can’t bring himself to focus on who it is) and snaps, “Get this prick out of here and away from the kid. Now!”
Two men come running in and drag the limp body away. Peter waits for the body to disappear and a moment longer to make sure he’s not coming back. He looks around the room, waiting for someone to jump out and prove this is all a trick. Tony really isn’t here. He’s dreaming. It’s a dream. But nothing happens. Tony stays there, looking realer than he ever has and Peter stares. Tony is patient and doesn’t rush him.
Peter fidgets once and lets out another whine, but it’s all his body can do. He hasn’t spoken in...well, Peter’s lost count. He lifts his handcuffed hands towards Tony slowly and still, Tony doesn’t move. He’s waiting. Peter can’t do much with the restraints so he wiggles his fingers beseechingly and then Tony asks, “Can I hold you?”
Peter nods his head, desperately. Tony leans forward and wraps his arms around Peter. He doesn’t care that Peter is filthy with dirt and blood; the man only showered him down with cold water every few days. He pulls Peter in so close to his chest Peter feels like he can’t breathe. But, it’s not like the ‘can’t breathe’ when the man held his head under water. It’s the ‘can’t breathe’ he’s forgot how good it felt just to be...hugged. Just to be touched in a way that caused him no pain.
He fell into his arms and melted into the embrace. Tony holding him so securely, his heart beating against Peter’s ear, the soft words Tony is mumbling to him, the way Tony’s hand finds its way into his curls...it breaks him. It breaks the shell he’s built up and he lets it all go at once. He feels the pain-- he feels every last bit of it and he sobs.
Tony pulls him in closer and his own voice sounds close to breaking. “I’ve got you, Petey. It’s going to be okay.”
Peter knows this. Now that Tony is here, he knows it’s going to be okay. He’s nowhere safer than in Tony’s arms. So he relaxes in his hold and lets his eyes flutter shut after countless sleepless nights.
Tony doesn’t like that idea. “Bud, you can’t rest yet. Keep your eyes open.”
Peter grunts but doesn’t open his eyes. He just wants to sleep.
Tony pulls back and Peter whines at the loss of contact. “You cannot sleep. You need to get checked out.” He looks Peter over and he can only imagine what he looks like...chained up in his boxers, covered in bruises, blood, and welts. It’s pathetic. He’s pathetic. He can’t stop the next sob that leaves him. Tony cups his face and Peter leans into the touch. He lets his eyes shut for good this time despite Tony’s voice in his ear telling him to stay awake.
He needs the sleep and he’s safe. So he does.
--
He wakes up to a burning pain in his leg. Everything hurts. It’s all on fire and it’s too much for him to deal with. But there’s an even worse pressure on his leg. He’s not sure what he did-- he fell asleep. He isn’t supposed to sleep. That’s why the man is punishing him.
Peter tries to hold back the cries. He’s not allowed to make a sound. He bites so hard on his lip, he tastes the blood. He’s been bleeding so much, he’s surprised there’s any left. But there is. And the blood he draws from his fills his mouth with a metallic taste.
He can handle the pain on his leg until the same feeling starts in the other one. Is the man breaking his legs again? But he didn’t try to escape! He stayed still-- he didn’t move!
Something snaps in his leg and he he can’t hold back the scream that rips through his throat. He thrashes before he can remember that he’s not supposed to move when he’s being hurt. He’s supposed to sit through the lesson and take it without complaint. But when one scream comes out, he can’t stop the rest. He only stops when he needs to take in a deep breath.
“The pain meds aren’t working!” He hears a voice shout, sounding angry and scared. “Don’t you hear him?”
“There’s nothing-- we need to reset these bones, Stark! We already knew the meds might not work. It’s chance we had to take.”
Peter cries out, wishing he can beg for them to stop, but that would require talking. He isn’t allowed to do that. So, he cries.
“He’s in pain. Dammit, stop!” The voice is closer.
“I told you you’d need to leave if you got too upset,” the woman warned. “I’ll ask you to leave if you don’t stop.”
There’s another hand on him again. This time holding holding his hand, much more gentle than the other hands breaking his body. It reminds him of they way Tony held him in that dream. It had to be a dream because if he were back home and safe, why would Tony let them continue to hurt him? He wouldn’t.
He hears his voice though. And maybe it’s in his head. Probably because there’s no other way he’d hear it over his screaming. But it brings a sliver of comfort to him. The voice is safe. The voice is home. “You’re okay, Pete. You’re okay. I’m right here and I will never leave. Not again.”
#iron dad#peter parker#tony stark#peter and tony#whump#captivity#mute#torture#broken bones#rescue#conditioning#writing#the-great-escapism
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we have talked a few times and im sorry for this but you are the most accepting and easiest person to talk to honestly i dont have many people in my life i can tell anything real to. but the thing is ive been thinging about relapsing a lot more since i broke up with my boyfriend and i work with him so it makes work depressing and impossible to get through a day without crying sorry this is anon but i am scared ily dont hate me i am not trying to stress you out
ok wow first lemme just say: I DO NOT HATE U. EVER.
and don’t be srry i don’t have a lotta ppl irl i can tell my shit to so i get it. pls know u can always ALWAYS ALWAYS come to me, and u dont gotta be scared to come off anon. i get it and it’s ok if u prefer it that way- but pls know i dont keep it on alot bc i get hate and then i turn it off bc i gotta look out for myself and dont post all the hate bc i dont wanna bring yall down or give them the satisfaction of knowing i have given it a read and response. so u can message me or make a sideblog or idk im just saying this so if it’s off later u dont blame yrself or feel scared to come off anon. ok sorelapse is a real thing and it’s fucked and hard and addiction is fucked up and a real life struggle and we dont treat addicts w the real tenderness, respect, kindness, and acceptance they deserve. but u DO deserve it. and there are hotlines, apps, churches, groups, chatrooms/boards, and sites that are more versed in what are the appropriate things to say to u- i say this bc while i’ve been thru it w loved ones i have not myself struggled w addiction w substances. my addictions were to self harm and victimhood so those are the things i searched for help on. but if it’s alright i’d like to give u some tips or things i used and have heard work for addicts of substances
places like i said like churches, groups, chatrooms, sites, apps, hotlines the apps and hotlines are good if u cant travel or want to talk to ppl who wont share their story bc maybe u cant hear it like its not the kinda help ur looking for. hotlines are sometimes tricky bc some of those folks are not educated they are volunteers so judgment leaks thru and in that case u ask to be redirected and report that volunteer so hopefully they dont repeat that kinda mess to other vulnerable folks looking for help
make a list of things, anything. list of foods u like to order, list of things that make u clench yr teeth, what were yr fave gifts you’ve ever got, style icons of urs, hobbies u tried that annoyed u, movies u can always watch, places on yr skin u hate being touched, any list of anything it doesnt have to be the usual thing of “what to live for” bc when yr depressed those kinds of things arent easy to think of. but if u get a list going of like “best things ive ever touched” “sounds that make me laugh” “trends that were stupid af” “popular things that i didnt like n couldnt figure out why they were popular” “weirdest ppl ive met” well those things might get u on a roll of good memories or laughing or seeing that theres more to yr life than what has been occupying yr thoughts
dancing. dance in yr room in the dark. clear some space. put on some headphones. lock yr door. do it in the shower. just dance. i had to start w closing my eyes and picking songs that i was taken by emotionally. songs that made me jump and slamdance tbh and then it’s just gotten more and more something im not as ashamed w. i spent a date night w james just dancing and then we ya know ya know bc the dancing got so wild. now i make playlists of songs that set moods for diff kinds of dancing
watch shows w ppl who arent doing better than u. they dont live in fancy places, they dont do much w their lives, they dont dress better than u, they struggle, they arent eating good food u dont have access to. iasip. freaks and geeks. letterkenny. undeclared. jake and amir. tpb. the state. youtube. tiktok/vine comps. lots of these kinds of vibes on youtube
podcasts. improv comedy podcasts tbh saved my life. comedy bang! bang! has best of’s those are good ones to start w. improv4humans bc matt besser has great guests of some of the best improvisers out there and he has musical guests and they’ll play a song and the improvisers will use it as inspo for a scene
make things. moodboards. pinterest. playlists. fill a shopping cart and tell yrself “i’ll get it when i win the lotto and move away from anyone who knows me so i can be the me i wanna be w/out judgement” make tea. make a meal if u can. make yr bed. clean one thing. clean the sink. hang some clothes or go thru yr drawers and clean them out. throwing things out feels hard at first but then it’s nice bc u feel less bogged down
find something to throw yr obsession at for a bit. something that wont hurt u as bad, being obsessed in general isnt good. everything in moderation irl. too much of something is bad just as much as too less of it can be bad. but yr looking for something lower risk here and if u gotta be obsessed w a celeb or a song or a food that’s ok. yr focusing the energy on something that isnt a substance so be proud of it
give yrself a break. give yrself some credit. everyday isnt gonna be on the “best of your name here’s days” but sometimes u just live to live bc that’s what u do. u wait it out and get thru it and wait for the sun to come back out. and if u cant get outta bed. or if you hate yr job and wanna scream- that’s normal it’s more normal than always being happy ppl just dont like talking abt bc society kinda trains us to hide our fucked upness idk why but thats how it is. they dont wanna tell us to do preventative care until we’re in the pits
all in all- it comes down to (at least for me) not planning w an endgoal in mind. it’s not over til it’s over and rlly we dont know. it’s all fluctuating and not meant to be a finish line we cross and then suddenly we’re done and we dont suffer anymore and the feeling of shit is gone or the risk of relapse is gone and the depression is cleared away never to be seen again. it’s not realistic. bc it isnt real. on the real- risk is always there and the downs and ups mix and run together and depression is not curable (this isnt something to be miserable over tho) depression isnt curable, yeah ok, but it is manageable. it can be quieted down from time to time and if u keep up w yr healthy routines and coping mechanisms- depression will still find its way to u bc the real world is not something u can manage. death in the family, loss of money or job, car breaking down, sickness outta nowhere, depression grows wild when these very real life stressors come into our lives. but all that too eventually gets easier and easier at least from a “ok i have some distance now” standpoint. and then as those days get more and more btwn it u can then be like “oh wow, ive made it thru X amount of days! ive put up w it this long! whats one more day, whats one more week, hell might as well see how much prouder i can feel once ive got a year under my belt!” plus u will be more capable of handling the bullshit if u know u can still find some safe places in yr coping skills or friends or resources.
ok so this is prob a mess but bottomline know this:
I love you and i will be here the best i can should u ever wanna come spill or if u need me to just send u pics of my dog or boring pics of knickknacks or selfies or memes or links or anything just tell me what u need and i will try my best to show u my love. i hope u can see that u reaching out is just already a HUGE major step in the right direction, give yrself credit! thats amazing! yr already doing it pumpkin look at u! it’s hard ik. but i also know if u are capable of saying u have this problem going on, u are capable of getting thru this. u are a light in the world. u offer goodness and u offer yrself and that’s enough. even if yr fucked up right now- u are contributing to the world by simply being u. there is literally NO ONE ELSE WHO IS YOU. so u are unique by definition. i hope u get something from this post and if not i hope it strikes an idea or thing u can do that will help. i hope u know im here and i hope u see this.
i am sending u all my light and love and good vibes and i can’t wait to see or hear from u again. u are never bothering me, a burden, or stressing me out. tbh it stresses me more that u might be struggling and not telling me or anyone. i dont ever want u to suffer in silence bc u feel guilt or scared or anything. u deserve to have a place to voice yr shit. im here to listen if u do wanna tell me anymore.
everyone else-if this helped or if u can think of anything that might help anon or anyone else- feel free to reblog and get some good NONJUDGMENTAL advice or tips and tricks going, but please please please remember to not come off as judgey or flood it with your drama. keep ur drama out of this post so anon or anyone else doesn’t get triggered by it.
and dont ignore my rule and do it anyway and then say some shit like “ik u said not to but i think this will help lol sorry” like we need this post to stay on this vibe that i set in motion and not a struggle contest or dick measuring or all sad personal reminiscing. go make yr own post for that this is NOT the space.
#Anonymous#sorry if this is a mess but i got a lot of feelings abt the shitty advice that's out there for addicts and i dont know shit except my ideas#and all i can do is pass it along but pls still remember there are plenty more things that could work so if these dont strike a chord lmk#and i can try to think of more and reach out to my friends who are addicts and see what works for them#i love you i love you and i love you and i like you
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warning, the following has mainly snarky (and possibly furious) opinions on Spirit of Justice. Reader discretion is advised.
Okay folks. this is it. part 1 of the final chapter
here we go.
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trial day 2?? oh yeah i forgot they split this game up in the worst, uneven way possible
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wow that cutscene was
something alright
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wow datz actually managed to hold onto the snow globe. kudos?
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what the fuck
i think i heard it wrong but Dhurke’s objection sounds like an old man
I'm pretty sure i heard it wrong
missed the bass
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who was that no– oh Garananana
i guess she's gonna be the final boss instead huh
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im so tired i cant even snark properly
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“is that kosher?”
i like it
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oh god
what.... what is she wearing
i mean
fuckin
TALK about madonna-whore complex. oh yeah, time to turn super evil?? bear your midriff! show off dem tiddies!
look, SOJ. theres only one bad bitch in ace attorney who can pull off floaty tendril hair, and its NOT ga’ran.
i cant believe i have to look at this train wreck for the rest of the trial
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“heh heh heh. its all coming back now. the feel of my blood pumping through my veins”
this is perhaps because youre actually moving now, your eminence.
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can we just dispense with the trial and have a good old fashioned anime fight? cmon apollo, spike up that hair and grab your BFS.
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“meep”
WHATS WITH THE MEEPING
BONNY DID THAT TOO
SOJ ITS 2016 ...ACTUALLY ITS 2028 YOU HOLES
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everyone in the court: :O what??? whats wrong with rayfa??? why is she sad???
oh i dunno maybe because her fucking Father just got brutally murdered?? maybe??
what the fuck is up with SOJ characters being dumb as a bag of bricks when it comes to other peoples’ feelings regarding death of loved ones???
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phoenix: shits fucked, thats why??
apollo: OHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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“seems like she's worse off today than she was yesterday”
hey game you'd better not be implying any shit
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“discipline”
soj
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alright, back after another longass break. i can do this.
( That’s oddly compassionate of him, all things considered )
I was about to defend Nahyuta because what kind of person wouldn’t try to spare a child from witnessing that kind of trauma... but then again, this is the Sadmad who purposefully tried to trigger someone into losing a trial so
(shrug emoji)
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grana’s gone into full HORHORHOR BITCH MODE
partially I'm totally numb because i dont have any stakes in her newfound ebilness, and partially I'm tired of this weird new trend of child abuse in the new games
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“Barbed head.”
oh my god
the first person she goes to after realizing that her caretaker is gone is fucking Phoenix
im gonna cry
“ive been reduced to “royal robe remover”” NO NICK YOU’VE BEEN UPGRADED TO DAD BY SOMEONE WHO’S NOT YOU
( ‘It’s like she’s grooming Mr. Wright to be Nayna’s replacement’)
I know this game is all about confusing bullshit for heartwarming moments and vice versa but guys
good lord
my heart
i really needed that
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(sigh) they really couldn’t get someone who sounded like a fucking 14 year old to do her voice?? really???
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rayfa: (looks like she's going to die and collapses)
apollo: this is not good...
gee apollo you really think so?
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wait a fuking second
we went through the whole dance cutscene and we’re not even going to see the pool??? does that mean the priestess has to be conscious and present for the images to be visible? ...and how does that work, anyway?
i just realized, a medium could use a pool to see the dead, but how the hell could they project it for others to see?? does she literally open a portal to hell???
(sigh) i just regret sitting through that cutscene again
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“cabal of traitorous lawyers”
i love that
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(Seriously Dhurke? This is no laughing matter.)
this basically sums up Dhurke’s entire personality
...yknow, i know what they were trying to do with his character– i really do. i know he’s supposed to come off as a dashing, cavalier rebel who laughs in the face of danger.
but they overshot endearingly irreverent and ploughed straight into fuckwaddome. if you want a character to be charming, they need softer moments too. Dhurke isn’t a bad person, but he’s kind of an asshole when you get right down to it, and nothing so far is proving otherwise.
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ok ive heard Dhurke’s Objection again and it doesn't sound like an old man– it just sounds about as overblown and ridiculous as Manfred von Karma’s (not to mention about as deep)
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LET DHURKE SAY BITCH
... i guess
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another perfect example of Dhurke being kind of a fuckwad: he keeps needling the queen and baiting her in ways that could get himself killed, which would be all fine and dandy if he were the brave resistance leader being tortured for information in the bowels of a dungeon.
...but here’s the thing.
IF YOU DIE, DHURKE, APOLLO AND PHOENIX DIE TOO. DID YOU FORGET ABOUT THE GODDAMN DC ACT? ITS NOT JUST YOUR DEAD ASS ON THE LINE HERE SO SHUT YOUR SASSY TRAP AND THINK ABOUT SOMETHING OTHER THAN YOUR *AMAZING WIT* FOR ONCE.
you’ve got 2 extra lives on the line here.
...3 if my suspicions are correct.
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stop calling him son please you abandoned him in an orphanage and didnt contact him for 14 years.
...and if he can’t call you ‘dad’ you have no right to call him ‘son’
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coming back to this after ghost trick has convinced me that one of ga’ran’s lackeys miiiiiight be related to Cabanela, baby
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“Wright... I can see we are kindred spirits, you and I! Hah-ha ha ha ha ha!!”
NO
NO
NO
NO
FUCK YOU DHURKE
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“It’s pretty easy to spot the difference between a soulless man and the soulless shell of a man”
ok that did get a laugh out of me, good job dhurke.
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apollo: pls dont get us killed
dhurke: mmmm ok ill try but I'm not promising anything lol
://///
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“But remember, son, if you truly believe in me, you should be able to prove my innocence.”
do i even have to list how many reasons thats wrong and a shitty thing to say
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“Such Insolence”
You’ve been beat out, Not So Fast
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Ga’ran used Gust!
Apollo flinched and couldn’t move!
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“I could behead you at any time”
she's got a point; she’s a fucking despot, there’s no reason to actually hold a trial. i mean i guess she wants to shut up the rebels but just killing them would be a lot easier and its not like she has any qualms about murder
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“Aw shoot, ya got me.”
again, not an appropriate reaction for whats going on buddy
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lol get fucked kjudge
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DGFUFUS OH COOL
WE GOT GUILTY (excited cheers from the audience)
the applause and the shots of everyone with :O faces is making me feel like i just won a gameshow
wheres my cheesy jingle
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also i love how Dhurke’s like “oh shit!! my assholishness has directly resulted in my son’s death!!! did NOT see that coming!!!!!!!!!”
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again the sound mixing is drowning out the background music (sigh)
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“your benevolence? I’d be happy to lend an ear if you’d like to talk!”
>this is it, this is why he leaves the series guys. Apollo is too good for these sinful games.
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DAMNIT DHURKE, YOUR SHIT MOUTH IS RUBBING OFF ON YOUR SON
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hmm
we’ve got an april may here
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“Rayfa, I shall buy you a new servant”
so Kooraheen practices slavery..? I mean, she.... she said ‘buy’, not hire.
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“she would have left shoeprints”
do
do you know what evaporation is your malevolence
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wait wait wait
that doesn't make any sense
the only prints leading out are from Inga, but the prints inside the building are from Nayna? how did she avoid leaving prints leading inside, then?? did she just long-jump over the dirt path???
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the guards are not fanboying, apollo, they’re toadying. there’s a difference.
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apollo: maybe the place he was stabbed and the place he died were different
(the game only continues after you carefully explain what dying of blood loss is three years later)
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to be completely fair, there are actually stories of people who were unaware of being stabbed
furthermore, when you get stabbed, you’re not going to be the most rational human being on earth.
phoenix, don’t give sadmad that point, especially when he’s currently assaulting your protege
now, as i was saying, Apollo’s suggestion that Inga was stabbed in the back and then ran into the temple is perfectly plausible; running to shelter from an attacker is probably the first thing you’d want to do when injured, and the tomb was a pretty safe place, i’d wager.
tbh i really don’t know why they’re arguing about him feeling the pain as that wouldn’t really impair his movement considering he was stabbed in a place that wouldn’t affect his ability to walk???
but yeah apparently he was doped up to shit so
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...i highly doubt back pain medication is strong enough to negate a stab wound. on the other hand, if it is and your back pain is THAT intense, Inga, you need to see a fucking doctor pronto.
...yeah shots straight into the spine is one step away from surgery; not to be an asshole but I'm not sure Inga was doing so well anyway before he went
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huh. are they really gonna give us an actual choosable choice to abandon Dhurke and save our own skin? Cause that would be interesting; a lot like the old games where you could “”choose”” to defend a client or not.
to be clear here, though, i wouldn't choose “no” even as much as i dislike dhurke. we know (sigh) that he’s innocent, and even if i dont like him it’s our duty to defend his shitty ass
OH HOLY FUCK
THERES THE CHOICE
wow. y’know SOJ, i dont much like you, but you fuckin Did That. well done.
also thank you for the Justice pun it is much appreciated.
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“And while I can’t say I’m used to it, this isn’t exactly my first rodeo”
FWHAT
>game flashes back to the Ahlbi case
DSKJFLS THIS IS LITERALLY THE “at second rodeo: this isn't my first rodeo” POST
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YES OK WE’VE SEEN THIS CUTSCENE TWICE NOW ALREADY
WE GET IT, RAYFAS GOT COLD FEET ABOUT BEING QUEEN
MAYAS IN THE GAME
OK
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phoenix: allow me to mansplain how rayfa is feeling despite how fucking obvious it is. after all, we know our players have the mental and emotional capacity of goldfish!
oh hey mansplain is a legit word in the dictionary
cool!
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why are they building this up?? just fucking tell Rayfa to do her stupid dance again and get on with it; we already did this at the beginning of the trial
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“Hmm... Indeed. It would be problematic.”
ohohoooohohohhhihgjhgo
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oh her nails are actually tiny pen
thats neat
thank goodness Kooraheeneese is an up-and-down written language– otherwise they’d have to make a whole new animation for the english game teehee
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“....................But... Horn Head needs my help”
oh my heart
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dan she just straight up begone’d her
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see the one thing that falls flat here is that, during a regular trial, the prosecution saying “oh, ok, have it your way; you can try to prove your theory” holds up a little more since they... you know. don’t have absolute power.
where as, with Garananana, its more like she's just a huge posturing pushover. especially since every other minute she's saying “ok, I'm gonna kill you for REAL now.”
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rayfa: b but if i fail you'll be killed!!! i dont get it...
apollo: i literally just finished explaining that I'm 100% ready to die for my shitty job that was like 5 minutes ago
it is sweet to see that he’s cheering her on though. good big bro
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I'm finding small solace in this beautiful moment of “your foreign dad and bro are here for you babe reach for the stars”
Athena’s probably flashing a double thumbs up from the gallery too
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“But... I finally know now. I know in what I can trust”
Bobby, from the afterlife: YOU’RE DOING AMAZING SWEETIE
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Garan: What??? my tiny 14 year old daughter is going to do a thing i don’t want her to??? fuck there’s no way i can shut her up. not even with all of my large adult man guards who could easily just escort her out of the courtroom without any resistance because they’re my fucking royal guards and I'm the Queen
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oh shit she took off her own cape
im so glad i muted the game so her awful voice actress couldn’t ruin this cool moment
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and now as this long ass cutscene plays out again, i simply cannot help but wonder about the poor choir and how long they’ve been on standby
where do they keep the choir during trials
whats it like singing the dance of devotion song every trial
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oh finally here we go. alright, lets see what the magic party pool has in store for us this time
...o ...ok then
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OH! OH SHIT
Inga’s face blind?!
Y’know I did have a few thoughts about that when we discovered his notebook but I didn’t think they’d actually go that route... though, thinking about it now, it is pretty convenient.
...ok everyone’s freaking out. maybe they’ve never heard of face-blindness? ...or maybe its not face blindness after all
im pretty sure it is though
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i dont know why but everyone being like FUCK ITS GOD and phoenix being like “whoops shits trippy now” made me laugh pretty hard
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ok i gotta say I'm actually a little invested now, even if its just because i think face-blindness is an interesting thing to incorporate into a murder case. again, a convenient thing, but an interesting thing all the same.
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ahh fuck i keep forgetting how the stupid seance works
welp, there goes one of my souls... (sigh)
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..apollo you dont need to show her the picture of her dead father to say “he had a cell phone”.
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the voice was coming from INSIDE THE PHONE
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RAYFA HAS A PET FROG????
WHAT
SHOW US THE FROG SOJ
SHOW US THE FROG! SHOW US THE FROG! SHOW US THE FROG!
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...why would Rayfa interpret the sound of the warbaa’d (something she’s familiar with) with a lion’s roar (something she’s unfamiliar with) ??
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oh i see thats why Vore Machine is an idiot
for plot convenience
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Datz Are’bal, a man who throws fire crackers at children.
...sounds like an are’bal guy.
bahdum-tshh
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“The joker who got a kick out of startling Ahlbi with his Dragon Snot Snaps”
...something tells me that if Datz found out about Youtube, he’d be one of those “””prank””” channels.
also WHY ARE THEY CALLED SNOT SNAPS
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN
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“happy-go-lucky”
i think you mean vaguely sociopathic
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(sigh) ive finally been worn down to the point where i need a walkthrough. ive... been beaten...
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boy ahlbi’s just a font of knowledge isn't he
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DID SHE JUST BREAK HER NAILS OFF
PLEASE SAY THOSE WERE STICK ONS
HOL SHIT
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MMMM LAY IT ON ME NICK
face blindness
... i mean theyre not calling it that but thats what it is
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yeah yeah channeling blah blah come on! youre in the LAND of channeling !
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shduhjahdjk
I'm picturing Inga running into his own dead body and flipping his shit
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oh man. thats the end of Trail 2 part 1.
guess i’ll see you guys on the other side... heheh.
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Leg Up
Characters: Reader, Katie (the readers best friend) and these four swain guys
Words: 1500ish
Warnings: actually none. its a bit sad at first (the reader deals with depression and anxiety)
Authors note: Im so sorry for my late entry to @mrswhozeewhatsis ´s 2017 Louden Swain writing challenge!!
I also wanted to say that I hope the way I wrote this is okay since there is no pairing and Swain isn't technically talking. Its just that this song is very personal to me and Ive been lucky enough to tell Rob how their music changed my life so...this is pretty much based on that.
I hope you still kinda like this !
Dreaming is awesome.
All the things you get so see and feel without actually experiencing them, without the fear of losing them. Things people are afraid to loving outside of this world, they can love there.
Because love doesn't hate back in dreams. There's not time for it, since you´re too busy smiling about the fact that the road you´re walking on is changing its color and that you´re making pancakes with the people you miss a lot. Then you wake up and, sometimes, if you´re lucky, this dream is the reason you´re happy for the whole day and want to spread as much love as there was within it..then there are other days, where you just open your eyes, having this arch in your chest that gets worse as soon as your feet touch the colorless ground.
(Y/N) looked down at her feet for a moment, getting used to the coldness of the floor. She eventually stood up, eyes searching for the clock that told her it was almost 9 am.
“I can do this.” She breathed out, heading toward the kitchen to make breakfast. Soon the familiar smell of coffee was filling the whole room, making it easier for her to stay calm. Just when she was about to take a seat on the couch, her cup of fresh coffee in one hand and a bowl of cereal in the other, her phone rang. Looking at the name on the display, she knew it was her best friend calling her.
“Hey, you.” She greeted her before taking a sip, the warm liquid running down her throat.
“Surprised you´re up yet.” Katie laughed. “Wait, you...did sleep, right?” (Y/N) smilingly shook her head.
“Is it that unusual for me to be awake before ten that you have to guess I didn't sleep at all? Actually...don't answer that..why are you calling?”
“Why do I call??” Katie almost screamed. “Why do I..why am I...(Y/N)...”
“I´d appreciate a bit more than insulting my sleeping habits and almost making me choke on my breakfast due to your yelling...before lunchtime ” Nothing. ,,Are you doing your blinking thing?” (Y/N) asked, referring to Katie blinking whenever she does remember something other people don't and expects them to find it out themselves.
“Kat-”
“Get up.” She said.
“Come again?”
“You heard me. Get your butt off of the couch, go to your bedroom and tell me what's laying on your desk.”
“I..I´m not -” (Y/N) stuttered when suddenly, the frown left her face and she remembered what Katie was talking about. “Ouhh “ She breathed out. “Wow, cant believe I forgot it.”
“Its just Louden Swain aka our favorite band playing somewhere actual near us. I mean no big FUCKING DEAL. (Y/N) what the heck?” Katie sighed, currently running up and down her room.
“Don't sarcasm me. And I mean...It´s probably just my subconsciousness trying to keep me from getting all hyper and nervous.” (Y/N) didn't lie, saying that she forgot about the concert, though the reason behind that wasn't that she would have been nervous otherwise. Right now the feeling of excitement that she expected to hit her didn't come, but instead this fear that took over her whole body within seconds.
“Something is up.” Katie stated. She waited a bit to see if (Y/N) would answer. “You can always talk to me.” She then said, when nothing happened. (Y/N) opened her mouth, attempted to say something, anything, but it was as if she was numb. Katie didn't push her to answer right away, she waited patiently until (Y/N) seemed to have found the words she was looking for.
“I feel like I´m supposed to say something. That people expect me to act a certain way..I mean I´m totally fine talking to you about the things that I enjoy doing because I know you love them too and would never, for once, judge me, but...Then I go back to “reality” or whatever. I go to my job, I see the same people, doing the same things every day, talking about the same things over and over again and I just..don't fit in. No one is actually saying something but I see the looks they give me when I talk about the band, you and everything around it.. “ Her voice cracked, the arm she didn't hold the phone with going around her knees, getting them closer to her body.
,,I was in a great mood last week, so I told them about the concert today. That I'm so happy to see you and the band again and...they just exchanged looks before talking about some food I can't even pronounce...later that day I heard a woman saying something about us being groupies and I just... seeing how they try to make me do things I don't want to do confuses me in so many different ways...” Getting that off her chest was a relief she couldn't even put into word.
“Why didn't you tell me earlier?” Katie asked, no anger in her voice but concern.
“I don't know. I..I guess I didn't want to bother you with it.”
“(Y/N).. you do not, ever, bother me with anything. You´re my best friend and the next time some embittered, mean * insert other adjectives that show how much I don't like her * person is saying stupid things I swear to Chuck, imma go there myself and...give her a big hug because I feel sorry for her not knowing what love is.”
“You are awesome.” (Y/N) whispered.
“Oh, I know. So, I tell you what you gonna do now.” Katie cleared her throat. “After we hung up, you´ll put your music on shuffle. While doing that, you go shower, and get yourself ready because in a few hours, you´ll see the guys that you listen to in a few moments, live..sound good?” (Y/N) laughed, nodding even though she knew Katie didn't see her.
“Very..Thanks for..you know. Your awesomeness.”
“You´re very welcome! So...I see you in a few!” With that, Katie hung up. Some seconds passed, where (Y/N) thought about what do to next, when she unlocked her phone to listen to that one special band..
about half an hour before the concert
“(Y/N)!!!” She heard a voice calling. Before (Y/N) could have looked around to even see where it was coming from, she felt someone hugging her from behind. She laughed, turning around to see that it was, of course, Katie.
“KATIE!” (Y/N) yelled back, hugging her back. After a few moments, they separated, the smile on their faces growing wider and wider.
“Now that was what I wanted to see.” Katie said, referring to (Y/N)´s happy look. “Well, I did what you´ve told me on the phone and...It worked. Im good.” “Really? I am so glad to hear that, you have not idea!”
,,Yea I...I know I told you earlier that I wasn't doing so well lately. I felt like things were moving backwards or not at all...So I figured to stop moving would be the only option.”
Her friend smiled softly and nodded, not saying anything because she knew her well enough to see that there was something else (Y/N) wanted to say.
,,Then I turned the music on and I...” (Y/N) blinked, trying to avoid tears leaving her eyes. ,,I sat there, against my kitchen wall just listening to these songs for hours and I never felt that..safe before. I felt the excitement of today coming back, more than ever. I started dancing around my apartment and I literally couldn't have cared less about the fact that everyone walking by the window of my room was able to see me. Like...that fucking happened.” She laughed, one hand going through her hair. ,,Im sure I sound very over dramatic right now and half of it probably doesn't make any sense but I... I forget what it feels like to be accepted by people at times and then this -” She pointed around her. ,,reminds me that I am and that things are okay. I am okay.”
The moment she said that, the doors to the bar where the gig was at opened.
“Wanna get in?” Katie asked, grabbing (Y/N)´s hand.
“You bet I do.”
I´ve got some tricks up my sleeve... Believe me.
#louden swain writing challenge#2017 Louden Swain SPN Mini Bang#Louden Swain#Leg Up#Sorry for the late entry
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2017
wow. okay. when I said 2016 fuck me up I didnt mean literally.
but god damn, once again I’ve rung in the new year heartbroken as can be, but wait there’s more. I fell in love with someone. he’s somehow worse than the last guy and hell I love him a thousand times more.
I’ve dealt with so much shit this year. I’m in a relationship with a drug addict. I didnt know it until about 3 months ago. I mean I knew, but I didnt know.
He asked me to marry him literally the 3rd day we spent together. no I didnt say yes, but apparently I did because now hes calling me his fiance n shit. I ‘lost’ my virginity to this guy. It sounds fucked up but it isnt as bad as it seems. or maybe it is and I still have a long way to go before I figure it all out.
I think I really love him. I think he really loves me. But people keep telling me he’s going to love those little crystals more.
I’ve seen some shit. My humdrum life has done a fucking tail spin in the last 6 months. I went from a full tank of gas and watching netflix all day to $1.43 in my bank account and needles hidden in the dresser drawers.
I’ve seen junkies, I’ve had shit stolen. I’ve watched him physically and mentally change without even noticing.
I’ve been choked and pushed and bruised and screamed at. I’ve done the same things back in a rage I didnt know I was capable of.
I’ve heard stories from child hood that make no sense but make perfect sense and I know I cant change the past but I’d very much like to.
I smoked weed and that shit was great at first but now its the only way I cant really talk to you, it seems. you told me that wasnt it but trust me. i’m too afraid to tell you the truth when we’re not...chill.
I’ve cried and screamed and walked away. I’ve waited hours upon hours for you to call. I havent slept and I’ve slept too much. I had a real panic attack for the first time in my life.
I’ve sat in the ER with you for 6+ hours after you crashed your car from being on adderall. I watched you literally mentally and physically break down in the pizza hut parking lot while normal fucking people watched and wondered what the fuck they could do for you and I just sat there next to you counting change from your pockets because you lost the receipts.
im sorry. i lost them somehow. who fucking knows. i’ll take the blame for it though if thats what I have to do.
i walked across train tracks wondering if maybe my foot my get caught while you told me you were addicted to sex and of course I should have already known this but surprise I didnt. its still my fault though.
we missed trick or treat with your daughter because you were on acid.
then the other day you brought her to my house and slept the whole time. you said what does it matter my parents see me taking her out of the house. well what the fuck do you care right. if you’re playing the part of dad. you son of a bitch. i love that girl and I know you do too but you better try harder. you better or you’ll lose faster if you have her.
I’ve seen you coming down down down. with a knife in your hands and the doors locked and the lights off. I’ve watched cops drive by thinking you were already dead.
I’ve had the best sexual experiences with you and only you. I got drunk and gave you a blow job after knowing I’d never have a dick in my precious mouth.
you called me perfectly imperfect for a while, now that i’ve lost my innocence you call me your miracle. these days I feel like a burden. enabler is the word i’m trying not to say because I know its the truth. but i didnt know. i swear i didnt.
and not in the fucking physical sense. i’m not giving him money or anything like that. im stressing him the fuck out. BUT FUCK HE NEVER MAKES ANY SENSE. and im stressed out too. doesnt anybody see that?
everybody knows him like I know him now. a fucking mind fuck. this little twat can turn a sentence around on you so quick you’re wondering what you even said in the first place. this mother fucker can have you so god damn confused you’re rethinking your whole life.
he does it on purpose. I think so he feels more normal on the inside. the only question I have is, was it the meth that brought it out of him or was it destined to come out eventually on its own. the crazy will never subside and I must admit that’s what somehow attracts me to him.
feeling like a complete dumbass after every conversation we have. BUT YOU ALREADY KNEW THIS. he’ll say, like I already knew it. and then i’ll realize I did already know it. he was telling me all along, but in his own way. like a secret language. and I cant fucking afford the rosetta stone for crazy talk.
half the relationship i spend KNOWING this shit isnt right for me and here i am thinking i have to do this i have to do this but i still dont know what love is. its breaking the god damn futton i know.
there’s no doubt about what i feel but really is it worth it. will he kill me. will i kill him. ive done things i never thought i would do. ive seen things i never thought i would see. the world is my fucking oyster over here. anything is possible. anything can happen. anything.
regardless, here I am. alone and wondering what hes doing. if he’s okay. a thousand and one fucking questions because he doesnt have a phone for me to call. and somehow now it feels like its my fault. it is my fucking fault and im crying a lot right now because of it. and im alone. so he can calm down. but i cant calm down without him. i need him. i need him. I NEED HIM. and im going insane worrying and wondering and crying and feeling okay for a little while.
now im just mad because hes okay without me. hes okay. and im not okay. it isnt fair. FUCK YOU. it isnt fair. do you even love me? DO YOU EVEN CARE. DO YOU EVEN DO YOU EVEN DO YOU EVEN LOVE ME. duh.
WHY DID I QUIT MY FUCKING JOB. I had what I needed. besides clarity and sanity so fuck, you cant blame me. hes been driving me insane since he spotted me.
but I know he fucking loves me. crazy people dont fuck around with shit like that. if they mean it they mean it. i feel it. I know it. I love it. its the only thing I understand ever. is my love for him. is it true. is it real. who fucking cares. its real and its ever present and its mostly reciprocated in good and bad ways. if i could walk away from it i already would have . i swear. i already would have but i havent so get off my fucking back.
but love is hard they tell me. love is fucking hard as hell and you’ve got to suffer before you can enjoy that shit, otherwise its not worth it. I realize this is too long and i’m not gonna reread it so nobody else is probably going to read it. thats okay. i needed to get it down on ‘paper’ just in case.
god just fucking pray for me or something. every time I feel like something is going to get worse it does okay. I had people burning up spoons in the trailer we were supposed to live in just to shoot up heroin and I was too busy making sure my boyfriend wasnt killing himself in a shed to realize.
old dude (thats what they call people in fairdale) literally over dosed in the bed that was supposed to be mine. in the bedroom that was supposed to be mine but I cant say anything about it? I CANT SAY ONE GOD DAMN WORD ABOUT IT?
nah because bf is too nice to people who ‘care’ to realize what they’re really doing in the big picture. she put her clothes in the closet that was supposed to be mine. mine. FUCKING MINE. but i cant be mad because shes homeless and has cancer. what a fucking lifetime movie. I DIDNT NEED THIS TO KNOW I WAS A SELFISH PERSON. I ALREADY KNEW. I’M GOOD AT HIDING IT. I WANT MY CLOSET SPACE BACK. I see drug abuse and friendship and something strikes me as sketchy. OMG. and dont get me started on the cheating.
he cheats on me. he puts his dick inside his best friend while they’re fucked up on whatever. they tell me she says no everytime he asks but this time she didnt. oh wow. what a perfect picture of a life im stuck in. what a romantic gesture. WHAT A FUCKING ROMANTIC COMEDY OF LIFE. i can keep my perfect pussy to myself and he cant go one fucking day without trying to put his dick in something. I WILL BUY YOU A FUCKING GRAPEFRUIT TO FUCK IF THAT WILL KEEP YOUR DICK OUT OF OTHER PEOPLE.
he says hes taking a shit when he goes over there but he takes a shit every time and they’re long shits. idk if its to fuck or whatever but its for sure about drugs. drugs that tear people apart and keep the glued together and they’re fucking ripped seams. god this sounds like fucking trash and it is. it literally is. and I know it but I cant do a damn thing about it because I love this trash. hes not trash. but he acts like it.
I know he’s not trash because somehow he has it all figured out. its like his autistic niche is seeing into the future and knowing for god damn sure that something is going to turn out the way it is but he wont fucking tell me. just straight up tell me the truth.
naaaah. that’d be too logical. he’d rather tell me the alternative lie. to keep me safe. HA. OKAY FROM WHAT. my life is so fucked up now.
needless to say 2016 has royally fucked me up. there’s probably a shit ton of stuff I forgot to mention and I should of because this is my collective fuck up recap but oh well. its not the last of it anyway. I know that for damn sure.
I just hope that when we get married or whatever the fuck next big thing happens in our lives. I hope it balances out the bad shit. because the bad shit is getting really hard to deal with. like really hard. like my hands are shaking sometimes hard and i feel like i cant kill myself because even in death i’d be worried about you and its nobodys fault but its our fault.
I know it is. he’s not even supposed to be in a relationship right now and what does this fucker do. he falls in love. true love with an innocent girl who has no idea what shes about to fucking go through. god damn. somebody help me. somebody really help me. I know I will always love him. more than the other mother fuckers I thought I cared about. I will fucking love him.
I FUCKING LOVE HIM. it makes me angry how much i love him. because it hurts me. a lot. but I wont stop. I cant. i wont. i never will. even if he stops loving me. i dont see how. but if he did. i’d still be calling and showing up and waiting outside and peeping in windows like a fucking nutcase. its my fucking ride or die. even if we broke up and i met someone else. god its not gonna be like this. it might be better. it might be a fucking dream. it might be date nights and morning kisses and flowers at work. but it wont be this. it wont be what i have with tey. nothing will ever be like this.and i fucking love that. im obsessed. im entranced. im in deep heartache love.
and ironically he does literally the worst thing he could do. the worst thing. he could. is love me irrevocably. whole heartedly. stubbornly. passionately. intentionally. desperately. in return. a love that i could live with for eternity. without a shadow of a doubt love. til the day we die in each others fucking arms.
its killing him. its killing us. but its keeping us alive.
how sobering is that shit.
#2017#NewYearNewMe#relatinship#boyfriend#love#writing#spilledink#addiction#drugs#help me#literally#im so lost#and so in love
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Episode 14: “It’s Five Guys Burgers and Fries” - Mo
AAAAAA AHRRE IS GONE!!! IM IN FINAL 5!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA THIS IS SO FUCKING EXCITING
its been so nervewracking this entire game holding my idol... not knowing when to play it... being a paranoid mess?? but im legit in f5. here. about to play my idol and show everyone that i had the social + strategical game to be able to NOT ONLY KEEP IT BUT FIND IT. like knowing im in f4 is so fucking validating and ik im not there yet but i'm not pulling a loris and giving myself 5th lol. and even better than that ryan has had his idol from fucking like day 2 and we've been able to keep them in this long and i love him soooooo much hes honestly one of my bestest friends nnnn
i just feel really bad bc ive acted to tobi that im his #1 for so long.. i told him about my idol.. i tricked him into voting ahrre @ 6 so that we could vote ryan at 5 knowing he has the idol like. idk if hes gunna forgive me. LOL ALNFJBFG but its just something i need to prove at ftc ):
i jus treally dont want 3rd again. i dont think i'll get 4th. i just. want a chance to showcase my game bc i'm so fucking proud of it you have no idea like.. i've been with the majority.. i've never voted wrong. ): i've had the social. i've had the strategy. i dont know what more i could possibly do to prove that this is a winning game and the most nervewracking thing is doing a live tribal where idk how the jurors are gonna react bc half of them probably hate me and i'm legit gonna put my heart and soul into speaking my game into like 5 mins and im just scared that the jurors r gonna discredit it like ya i was a cunt alkjfhbfg but i know i played one of the best games here n idk how i'd react on call liek id probably just full on leave.. alkjfnfg
idk this is just a really long confessional bc i needed to get my feelings out there lol im just rly close and itll really suck to go home so close after controllin this game
Okay, so Im here. Yay. I knew I was getting voted and others didnt want to split votes. So im happy Ahrre didnt have an idol. So im wondering now, its final 5... have there been ANY idols?. Have we just been blindsiding them all with their idols? Like what. So I need immunity just incase everyone but me has an idol.
So I feel like I really need to win this challenge. One because its final 5 and Idols. Two because I NEED Tobi to go this round. I brought up the idea to Scott and he said ye, but the conversation quickly ended after that, which scares me tbh.
Regardless if I win or not, I am still going for Tobi, I recon he has the greatest chance of winning out of this final 5, so I need him gone. He is also good at immunities which just puts more stress on me making the finale. I think there is a chance I could win against Tobi, but there is a much better chance without him there next to me. Besides this is looking like a final 2 now, which makes my chances of getting to the end, relying on winning immunity
I WON IMMUNITY WOOO. HEHEHE
uhm. so i lost immunity. again. ALNFHBG reoccurring trend...
its cute tho. me and rhys are so similar and i love him sm and i cant wait to get to the end of this game with him hehe. :*
n then me and ryan are idolling and its like :)) yay. love him as well.
feel bad 4 tobi tho rofl
It’s Five Guys Burgers and Fries and APPARENTLY, Tobi and Ryan are targeting eachother which of course I’m like screaming with excitement on the inside because I think I’m going to beat my personal record of 5th. I might even make it to final tribal council, like I know that’s a stretch but IM SO HAPPY.
it's only day 35 huh.... we really have a final 2 HUH...... anyway yay Tobi didn't win immunity so yay we can take him out <3 Scott tells me him and Mo are under the impression i'm leaving but lol they got another thing coming. Rhys is also down to take out Tobi so whew. should be a cute moment at tribal with me n scott playing our idols but we'll see hehe
So it may be a final 3 now that I think about the days idk.
Regardless Tobi needs to go this round. Hardly anyone has started to talk which would scare me, if I didn’t have immunity. If Tobi goes this round I want to take Mo to the end. I know I can beat him then I just have to worry about Scott or Ryan.
i cant wait 2 IDOL!! i sure wont be using it successfully. bc im legit getting no votes NNNNN but. the point is. i'm here 2 stay. lol.
bye bye tobi hope u dont hate me in jury x
im so excited to use my idol and blast tobi out of this game tn.... not that i need the idol to do that exactly, but i'm excited for both hehe. it's kinda weird how this game has ended up unraveling... like, everything has gone my way pretty much and it didn't require all that much effort from me?? does that mean i played poorly omg or is that just how it be sometimes? hm. i can't say i'm 100% confident my game can earn me the win but i definitely feel like i played decently? i'm kinda sad it's probably gonna end up being a final 2 bc i wanted rhys and scott at ftc with me but oh well. i'm confirmed final 4, practically guaranteed a firemaking at least bc i dont think scott will turn on me at all and i wouldnt turn on him, so wig i have really good chances of making final 3 yayyyy. i've been thinking a lot about tribal tonight and what to say when i use the idol... i wanna make it good and impactful and send a message to the jury that hypes up my game a bit hopefully. idk we'll see if my shyness allows me to be extra lfkasd
the two truly vulnerable ppl at tonight's tribal, aka Mo and Tobi, are voting together for me instead of for each other hnnnnn i have to laugh. i think scott been playing them like a fiddle and i'm lowkey hoping they both end up really bitter at him so i can maybe win their jury vote hehe. also ugh i need to rack up at least 3 more votes so i can snatch the most votes crown from Michael... it would look better on me hm. i think i can do it if those 2 really vote me tonight and unless i dont go on an immunity run which... i wouldnt hate either
at this point i really hate luck comps this late into the game... like ugh but what can i do about it... rhys winning is better than ryan winning BUT it wouldve been nicer if me/scott/mo couldve won in case ryan pulls out an idol... we have a lot less flexibility going into tribal
So like scott has been lowkey shady lately BUT idk there really isnt much i can do about it at this point if he's blindsiding me since he has an idol and rhys has immunity soooo like its tea really... i know mo is 100% on board with voting out ryan and he asked scott and scott said ryan as well BUT it could be a lie to mo to cover up a blindside on me and like its highkey annoying that scott is the flip vote this round because he has connections and whatnot but he was also down for taking out ryan and like... taking me out at this point makes no sense because ryan making it far is sooo bad for his game LKHDLKJSA like ryan has been targetted the entire merge and he's still here... bringing that to ftc is so dangerous like i went to ftc once with someone like that... did not end well LMFAOOOO but ya this vote is extremely important and i could either be thriving with this vote or I could be royally fucked
So, tribal is in 30 minuets, Its between Tobi and Ryan? Tobi hadnt approached me about voting Ryan, so it shows I was right about wanting Tobi out. However the fact that he went to Scott over me, shows that Scott is playing a good game aswell. (Or people think me and Ryan are a duo? which ive heard before).
Tobi is voted out 3-2.
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Scorpion Mouth. Celebrating the Inner Self - Exist.
Whoa, How do you start a conversation with yourself. Something you haven't had in a long time. I firstly, get some tobacco and turn on Spotify. Hold on.
The Date: October 28th. 2017.
I haven't touched this thing, since the last time I felt alone. Notice how I say feel? I am completely not alone, I have you. You are hearing my mind right now, through my fingers, transcribed to a monitor. Through your eyes, the light shines. Receptors balance the emotions, context. They bend your muscles, in accordance, you have a reciprocated attack.
What happened to me this year. Well, for starters, I got honorably discharged from the navy. I Served 8 solid years. Loved, hated it...just like everything else I suppose. I reluctantly got home. I didn't want to go “home”. In my mind, my family needed it more then I did. I felt like I returned for them. With my selfishness aside, oh selfishness, what have you done. We will talk about you later. Noone knows the true meaning of starting over, until you literally start over in a new world. That is what it felt like. What is the first thing you do, when you return, try and adapt, survey the land...analyze the roads to which you will be traveling soon. Try and remember everything, tips and tricks. Reconnect with the people who said that they wish you were back home. Of course that novelty wears off, “the new guy” suddenly becomes the same guy, just years later. That is fine, that is expected, that is life. That was my life for years and years. What do you do for work? Man, I basically just milked my funds, lived off the land. Traveled, reconnect, travel, reconnect. Months. Then reality sets in, you become apart of the machine and meld into the landscape. This isn't why I came here though, to talk about life. Or the normality of life. The things that everyone goes through.
I came here for the end. The opposite of life. Death. The death, the rot, the muscle spasm-twitch, eyes roll back, decomposition. I came here to talk to you about what its like to watch something die. I wanna talk about CPR, breathing in, out, watching the lungs fill and shrink. Watching the skin start to fade in color. The tears, the constant overwhelming feeling of watching something you love, fade into the unknown. The future of life. but the death of it at the same time. Such a weird paradox to me, to think, something can die, and become unknown, within the actually living to die, and fade to the unknown.
I wandered a bit. In the darkness. To me at that point, it wasn't dark. Looking back, it was very dark. Something really weird happened to me. Randomly, it makes me so sick at how random it was. I guess I will start with the real reason I came here.
Sometime in May,
I met the love of my life. I say that with a lot of weight, I knew from the very second I met her, I loved her. She moved, so beautifully. But with a slight anger, a slight badass blend. It wasn't like I was looking at a golden angel, wings spread. It was like I was watching a real, raw, human, skin and all. It didn't take long for me to realize, she has a lot of darkness in her. I liked that, in a sick way. I love the idea, of someone spilling their guts about how raw life can be. The true feelings. Not some tv show, not staged. Just raw. My life, was dark, but it wasn't that dark. My problems were normal problems. She had a baby, only a month old. I didn't like the idea at first, I probably expressed that in an ackward way. I actually was very wary about it. To the point, where I would contemplate texting her. Up until this point, it was a deal breaker. Something about her drew me in, I could write words all day to the feeling I felt, but I sincerely cant. I am not skilled enough to draw up human emotions like that. I decided very early on, that I would try and do everything I could, to build her spirits. Like a fucked up project. That I loved. So fucking much. Just to talk about things, life, real fucking life.
I knew about a week in, she had a drinking problem. The subject of anxiety was brought up, played off, you know. Noone wants to overload someone with so many different things like that. It is scary, I know I wouldn't. In my head, I knew she was taking pills and drinking. I just didn't want to think it was an issue. I just buried it. I should have left that first week though, that concert was horrible. Some of the worst times ive ever had. Completely lost control of my situation. I don't think I ever fully recovered from that. I just buried it
We would go on walks, and talk about life. One subject in particular was the subject of her daughter, the creation of her daughter, and the future. Where was her dad? I remember vividly thinking, she probably doesn't want him in her life, and he wants too. I couldn't imagine being a new dad, and not seeing my kid. This isn't the 70′s. You don't want to perceived as a douche bag via social media. That can ruin your social standing. with life. In my head I knew he wanted to be in the picture. I also remember her, telling me, he wants nothing to do with her. I said, “So what happens when he gets alittle bit older”. Of course, the natural defense, she says, “Noway, he is a fuck”. Probably alittle more summarized, but you get the jyst, I had a full adult conversation, unselfishly delving deeper into her mind about it. Ha, selfish. I remember you. I'm going to take a break for a second. Before I get into the meat, the heavy, darkness that ensues.
Ok, I am back. the time 8:20 pm.
I don't edit. I don't reread. So I apologize completely. I feel like all that nonsense, takes away from what really matters. What is my perception. What is my vision of the world around me. I am not trying to be biased, or sway judgement, I promise to be 100% fair and just.
I get it, so far you probably feel like something was wrong with me for dealing with the little stuff, if I felt so weird about it. There was something wrong with me, and it wasn't her. So far from her. I wasn't using her darkness to feel better about myself. I wish I could, at not one point did I feel like I was capable of feeling good about myself. I dated a girl, for three years, a hard 3 years. Just two people, trying to figure out life. It ended weirdly, so in my mind, I knew there were things I needed to change.
I was depressed. So depressed. The reasons I came home, for being there for my family, turned quickly into realizing, I wasn't really needed here. I could have went anywhere, and everything would have been just fine. That set in so hard. To fully understand you weren't as needed as you thought you were going to be. But I am grown, for seconds in the week, it would flash flood my mind, and as quickly as it was there, it was gone. For split seconds, I would let myself revert back into that mode. I wasn't doing anything, just thinking, no friends to keep my mind off of the shit. I miss that aspect so badly. That got me through everything, someone saying something stupid to laugh at. Someone going through something difficult to make you realize its not so bad.
Wow, this song. “You stay above me forever, like you stay above me now”
Dear in the headlights. Midwestern Dirt. Fucking crazy I'm hearing this.
Music helped me, it helped me and her. not once did we hate each other through the music. You cannot lose that. I realize that now. When you love something, you hold it tightly.
I wouldn't say I am a romantic person. I love seeing the girl I'm with happy. I do have this jealousy problem, where I get annoyed when someone else makes my girl happier then I do. I guess, I don't get upset that she is happy, I get upset with myself that I didn't blow that shit out the water and make her happier. Does that make me psychotic? is that normal? How do you google that to see. I never would want something bad to happen to anyone. But sometimes, I do wish things that have happened to me, that they have caused, would happen to them. I guess that's fucked up.
She wasn't a bad person, she isn't a bad person. She was going through a lot of things. I thought I was badass, I thought I was gonna be able to take care of all this shit. My dude hands. handling business. But you slowly realize, no matter how much you have helped people in your life, sometimes, you don't know all of the answers. The biggest problem I have in my life, is getting frustrated that I cannot fix things. I have heard so many times in my life “slow down” “take a breath”. I get frustrated. Panicked. Nervous. annoyed. That whole aspect stretched from making breakfast, to talking to the one you love. It fucked me up. in the end. You don't really grasp it. Until you write it down. When so many things pile up, before you can fix the first instance, it gets out of hand to me. melt down. I say things I don't mean out of frustration. anger. I wish it was something anger management could help with, but I have to much pride to think I cant fix something on my own. How do you even start? Ok break time. 8:40pm
841pm
I was thinking again. The direction. The timeline. A few weeks of us hanging out, the news came. Ol’ Boy wants a bit of custody with his daughter. She was in tears. Devestated. I didn't console enough, I knew this day was going to come. No dude, in his right mind wants to not see something he created. I don't care who you are. I remember hearing again, how much of a piece of shit he was for this. I defended him, and remember vividly, getting scolded. taking his side. That conversation was brought up a number of times as an “arguemenet” I created. Sincerely trying to be rational, and reasonable. That isn't what you do to a girl, going through that I thought. She is right, she needs me to defend her, talk shit about him. I just couldn't do it. 8:45pm
851pm
This is amazing. The feeling, of talking without worrying about what the fuck I say.
I want to take it back to the best seconds of our connection. I remember standing in that room. Her baby, in her arms. I just held her for the first time, my girl loved it. I remember so clearly her eyes, they were filled with desire. We never did anything but hug before then, I was scared beyond belief. Never once in my life, have I been worried about a physical connection. She needed it, I needed it, the icing on the cake for us. The third arm to this perfect triangle. I hesitated. And failed. Stupid. I feel like we already did, I felt like we made the most beautiful love through our eyes. All the feeling that comes from it, was there, we both knew it. All but the physical sensation, that mentality never left. Months later, we still made love like that. Passionate. Through the eyes. It wasn't two people trying to be in a porno, it was two people so connected. I don't think I could top that, as sad as it is. That third arm. It was there, 33% of our relationship was perfect. flawless. I remember slowly going outside with her, laying down on that blanket. Commiting myself to a literal perfect existence. If there was a good version of selling your soul to the devil, that is what I felt. I completed a part of life that day. feeling the heaviest amount of passion, I have ever felt. 8:57pm
9:06pm
Ok, Yah, that was amazing. Still think about that time everyday. That was the sole memory that kept me alive. Mentally. You couldn't top it. Something out of a movie. I felt smooth, sauve, but it was just us, together, full of passion. That doesn't happen to everyone. I am blessed I got to feel that.
She was drinking those days. I was being unsupportive. I didn't understand the problem until recently. Right before mediation actually. When we talked. She was freaking out, didn't ask me how my day was, just completely went on this rant about how her therapist wouldn't talk to her. I didn't realize the significance, until that point. I am incredibly ashamed that I didn't. I knew it was a problem, but didn't grasp it. Sometimes I stay ignorant by choice. Complaining about everything you think is shit, doesn't do anything. Sometimes just keeping it locked away, works. it didn't for this. not at all. I didn't grow up in a home where therapy was “needed”, although looking back, it would have helped...and I probably wouldn't be writing about all this now. I failed her in that sense, not understanding enough. it isn't that I didn't want to, it is just the complete unknown. It doesn't register to me, as something that needs to be addressed, because I lived a whole life without hearing about it. I don't consider that being selfish, not once did I feel like I was better then her. Not once did I feel like I had no problems, even though I was told I thought I was flawless. Told I need to look in the mirror. I guess you could read these, and understand I looked in the mirror a lot. Not many dudes, almost 30, take the time on their Saturday night to write on tumble. not a lot of dudes are as intune to their minds and how things work like I am. I am by no means saying I am better then them, I'm just saying I have tried my hardest to understand. whether it is right or wrong. I have tried...so fucking hard. I don't blame her for her addiction, I asked if it was an addiction early on. I was told it wasn't. I couldn't play ignorant. Another instance where I wasn't making my girl happier then what her pills make her. That is really fucking sad to me. And when I cant fix something, I lose my cool. Ive known that forever. I'm not saying she is the cause, I am just saying, for the first time in my life, I'm talking with someone who amps me up to the point where I am hurting someones feelings. I would never physically hurt anyone. I would never tell someone they are good for nothing. I would never tell someone to kill themselves. I would, and did, tell someone they are weak. The saddest moment in my life. To judge someone, based on their own encounters. Fucked up. I regreted that conversation, from the beginning. I remember asking her to stop taking medicine, or don't talk to me. Why? Was that selfish? To want someone to get better? I am at a stand still with understanding that. 9:17
9:31pm
I always why we never did anything creative together. I know we both wanted too. Collaborate. Do something amazing. Apart of me thought, she is just going through too much right now, the last thing she wants to do is stretch her already stretched mind. It is intimidating, knowing someone is going through so much. The balance, the middle ground. Of course, of fucking course, I do some fucked shit and say something I don't mean, and that careful tight rope that I delicately tried to balance, begins to rattle and shake. “Don't do that again, you are going to kill us.” I like to think, no one rememebers the good steps of the tight rope, only the sections where your life is in danger. Even though, your life stays constantly in danger. you don't say, “Well I almost died, but those first good steps were so good”. That isn't the human way. We automatically lash out at the chance. You didn't died, but you almost did. ontop of almost dying just by walking acrossed it in the first place. Those kind of thoughts, goon me up. 9:35pm
9:36.
Am I a monster? Jordon surrey, are you a fucking monster. Are you a menace. A psychotic, sociopath?
I keep writing the times. I save it, and then take a second to breath. turn to a different song. This is the most ive written in one session in years and years. I remember when my mom put a word processor in my room. I would write stories. “They gotta make a movie about this”. I wish I still had those. I couldn't imagine what they would say. Kids are lucky, or is that lucky? So have everything you have ever written saved? My ex girlfriend of 3 years came into the picture pretty quickly. Those messeges were saved. Every conversation we ever had. The girl I was with, she read them. What does that do to the dynamic? she has you figured out? Comparing you now, to the you then. without any sort of context but words you wrote. She judged me on those. That was a dark feeling to me. So vunerable, and yet so misunderstood. I don't want to talk about that anymore. It shouldn't have happened. I don't think its selfish to be upset with that, those are not conversations like this. This is pure, mental, public, words. Those were between two people, who were on an unimaginable plane of existence. You cant look at those, and compare. They mean nothing out of context. I speak my mind, me and her, we didn't have the passion me and this girl did. it wasn't the same, but it was what I knew. for years and years. it takes a minute to realize that isn't the girl you were talking to. You wont ever know who that girl was, and that is the saddest part. 942pm
946
I don't really know, if I am a monster. Or what we be happening right now if things were different. If I handled things differently. The main issues were still there. I think if the timeline didn't play out, I think she would still be drinking. Or maybe not, maybe she drank because of me. I hate bringing up the fact she drank, because who the fuck cares. She can drink? it is her body. it is her life. if she wants to do that, she can. If I didn't know her, I wouldn't give a fuck less if she drank. I hated it. I despised when she drank. It was so unattractive to me. It is like holding, the perfect red, shiny apple. Such a great shape. Smell. You want to bite it. But then you turn it around...and its rotten. You have to eat around it...but you cant get close...you don't want that shit even near to your mouth. You had to address that It was there, had to try and get rid of it. Digging it the fuck out. layer by layer, until you hit the core. I knew it was an issue. it was clear as day. Not as clear as my own issues, but it was something that needed to be addressed. I cant remember an argument not consisting of drinking. Such a waste of a good apple. Was that selfish of me? to want to get rid of the rot? Before I bite it, love it, consume it? I don't know.
I miss the good times so much. Half way through these months, I realized we were going to get married. Like come on!? I...Jordon surrey, wanted to marry someone. not just say it, not just express it...but need it. Desire it more then anything. What the fuck?!?!? Life is fucked. The death consumes. I have to take a break, before I talk about what is really wrong with me. What I did wrong. 9:45pm
The day comes. Everything is in full effect. The babies father is back in the picture. I'm at work. I get a call after saying that everything went good. he is coming back to the house, and that she knows I'm probably not gonna feel good about it. I don't. Who would. The most secure person, would be insecure about having the babies father in the picture. Especially remembering back to that first kiss. the first time we locked eyes and made mental love. the baby was right there. she was with us. My time was consumed with making sure my girls life wasn't flipped upside down. and instead of hers being flipped upside down, mine was. The father is given the fucking right, to see and be there for his daughter. there is no doubt about that. That is something that has to fucking happen. and to be even slightly upset for him given that chance is bullshit. He deserves it. It dick, created that child. Just as much as her vagina did. He deserves to see his baby girl. But yet, I still remain upset? I can sort through everything in my head, and avoid the anger being about him getting to be there for his daughter. That isn't my place, to take his place. I helped while he was away. I knew he was coming, and the baby needed a father. Yah, I didn't do enough for her, in the sense. I gave everyone space. Because I knew he was coming back. The only thing that sticks into my head, about the anger. Is the fact that, I know nothing about him, besides the negative shit ive heard. I know he was a drug head. Drunk. unsupportive, child. stupid. couldn't spell. didn't like good music. fake. And boom, he is here. I understand the biase. I understand she will talk shit about him. But I don't understand, why everyone gets to learn about him but me. The only one who fucking supported him seeing his fucking daughter. is that selfish? I don't fucking know. but it makes my eyes well up...just thinking about it. I wish I could shake his fucking hand. and tell him I had his fucking back since the start. jesus fucking Christ. I'm so sorry dude. ive met dudes, who didn't get to see there kids for months after they were born...crying. devastated. sad. I couldn't imagine. I got to take a break. 1007
1010
I want to start this by talking about my insecurities. I know her. I know her desire for a normal family. What would be the easiest way for that baby to be happy. If the bio mom and dad....hashed it out. got it together. and started fresh. I feel like a lot of the anger towards me, is coming from this fact. I was justifiably upset. I can be upset. I was allowed no contact with my girlfriend while she is with him. While he is learning to do the things I did. It is a strange society to think that is how shit works. I was starting to feel like this idea of me being a piece of shit, unsupportive person, was to take me out of the picture so she could start fresh with a guy. she stopped drinking. he stopped doing pills. wasn't that the problem? he probably doesn't even know she was in a relationship. It sounds to me, everyone is doing a lot better then they were a year ago. It also sounds to me, that I am abusive, controlling, inconsiderate, unsupportive, selfish. when I have done nothing but put myself into a position where I had to be for months and months. you couldn't function without those things, and I did up until the very day he came back. the very day she saw him for the first time in a year. This is just me talking through my mind. not once am I saying this is what actually is happening. I am clueless. I am just building a text wall based on the thoughts I have. nothing to sway my emotions any other way right now. just pure feeling. 1016
1020
I went to her house the day after he was there for the first time. Clear head. Just wanted to apologize for lashing out, telling her she brought darkness into my life. She did. but she also brought a lot of happiness that to me, weighed out the vibration on the tight rope. I spent about two hours, just playing with the baby. I wanted to take my girl out, do something, go somewhere to breath. get out of the house. we got around to it. and got our things together and left. When we started driving, of course, the father was brought up. she said she thinks it would help if I had a say in trying to decide the days. That had nothing to do with me, I appreciated the gesture, but I am quick to tell someone when I don't think I need that, if I don't need it. That is there plan, that is what parenting time is for. Nothing else. Hashing out the details of how their daughter is going to be taken care of. Learning how to take care of his daughter without the mom there. by himself. I just made the point, that I didn't understand why I couldn't meet him. Why I couldn't meet the dude who has been taking care of the baby that ive been a placeholder for. Yah that's a strong way to put it, I get it, I wouldn't have been a placeholder...I would have been her dad too. In the spur of things, I didn't put it out like that, she snapped, told me she was sick of dealing with two grown ass dudes acting like babies. I kept my mouth shut. She still is talking, god, she never stopped. I was driving back to her house, and she knew that. she knew talking about it still, was just going to make me realize she needs space. So I kept driving her home, pulled in, she was still talking. I sat there, calm. didn't say a word. just followed my breathing. She got out, I snapped for a second, and told her “have fun with a pill head”. Stupid. I went to my edge again, come on man. You had it going so well, just shut your mouth. If she would have been like, “you didn't say anything, I'm mad at you’ she wouldn't have said “you said something so I'm mad at you”. The tight rope was shaking, violently, the walk to that point didn't matter. The fact that I wanted to take her, and do something productive didn't matter. The fact that I didn't say what she wanted me to say, made me selfish. Was I selfish that day? I don't know. 1028
1029
Why does this all upset me. It doesn't really. It is ecpected, when human emotions are fucked with, anything can happen. This isn't a Hollywood movie, where couples jump in the rain after a good solid dinner. It is real life, real problems. I will be the first one two admit. My scorpion mouth fucked shit. Learning how to deal with someone is what it is all about. She couldn't deal with me, so she turned her head. I am realistic, if she has these thoughts about me, nothing I can say will change that. If she wants to think I am a burden, nothing will change that. I am a grown adult, despite what she wants to believe. It isn't hard to say that she could find someone else. Not me, not him, just someone else who fits her better, who is less of a stress to figure out. If it gets to the point where someone doesn't have enough to offer, then move on. It is 2017. People can come and go, easy if you let them. She was worth it to me, but it was impossible for me to stop the vibrating. The shaking near death. My balance wasn't perfect, but it was great. Given the worn rope I walked. I can deal with the hardest punches. I can forgive. I can let go. If I have without a reason of a doubt, that someone doesn't want me around them, I leave. I left a lot with her. A lot of times, it was because she kept drinking. Yah, she didn't say she didn't want me around, but I hated it so much, I felt like she was doing it on purpose to get rid of me. Lately, ive looked into her eyes, and it goes somewhere else. Something else is taking the time. Something else is consuming her. It used to be me. But I became selfish, or atleast I have always been. Have I? what if I never met her. what if we never met, would she still think I was selfish. Would the dude she would be with, be selfish? is everyone alittle bit selfish. of course. Did I intentionally destroy us because that's what I wanted. Did I selfishly kill us? because I needed it? I don't know. I think she thinks, I did it on purpose. with how much she tells me how selfish I am. Was I selfish when I held her baby? Was that for me? did I just want to hold a baby? was I selfish when I talked to her, about everything, when I gave my input. could I have just hung up, or walked away? Could I be selfish now, if I still need her? is that selfish? do I just fuck shit up, to try it again. out of selfishness. Or am I trying? am I being given shit, and working with what I have? is that selfish, so work with what you have?1038
Does the sound of my voice, hurt her so much. Is it worth it to cut someone out? It is if you are not benefiting. Do I not benefit her? Today, she decided I didn't. And that is ok. That is life. You cannot please everyone. They sometimes think you are not trying. and then end up writing a novel. This is by no means, everything. These are just the things that shake my rope. I will continue this tomorrow. The longer I write, the more I miss her. And that doesn't do me any good anymore. The more time that passes, with us like this, the more these things wont matter to her. the more I wont matter to her. And that is fine, if she is happy. then her baby is happy. and that is life. ill be back.
To comprehend
In the middle of the night
To break a mood
Without tearing up my spine
The lights dim
On my glow
How will I move
When this sun sets
How will I move
When the lights go out
Without,
My glow
I cant shut my mouth,
When my mind moves,
I cant sleep at night,
Without your sprawling roots
but that is selfish,
I saw her grinding teeth
on a rusting spoon
She is red, she is ready
You danced around with no bones
You say it always
You did it always.
I know,
You were in love
You said it always,
You said it always,
My glow.
1047
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