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#cant stop thinking about a lot of things we did
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i can fix him (no really i can) // mattheo riddle x fem reader
playlist : i can fix him (no really i can) - taylor swift
summary : mattheo riddle is cold as ice , he always has been , so who are you to think you can fix him?
gryffindor reader , friends with golden trio , makes a bet , fluff , harry x reader platonic , swearing , honestly cringe but wtv
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you sat in the great hall staring ahead of you at a certain brown haired boy , eating his food silently surrounded by his chatty friends he didnt seem to pay any mind to. mattheo riddle. he had always intriuged you , you werent sure your curiousity was requited but you knew you liked him. a lot.
"you best not be looking at him again y/n" hermione sighed , sat opposite to you and in front of the slytherin table.
"hermione , ive liked him since first year are we still seriously asking this question every day." you pulled your eyes away from him , and looked at the girl with a teasing smile , knowing you were guilty of staring.
"gosh you really need to get over it , i mean what about dean he seems to really like you?" you both turned your heads to look at hermiones suggested replacement for mattheo , who was currently trying to turn his pumkin juice into water just with his eyes.
you scoffed and turned back to hermione , who looked defeated , "im sure the conversation would be great."
hermione ingorned your sarcasm and continued to argue , "mattheo isnt a good guy we both know this,"
"i can fix him," you winked at her teasingly as she scoffed , containing a laugh.
"arent you just our brave little bob the builder," harry joked , you and hermione being completely startled by his and rons prescence next to you both , eventhough theyd been there the whole time.
you laughed at him , attempting to defend your claim, "no really i can! ill fix him so hard that he gets mistaken for golden boy cedric!"
"this is starting to sound oddly sexua-" ron stated blandly before hermione slapped his arm , making him stop talking abruptly and clutch it.
"i dont believe you," hermione stated simply as you smirked at her.
"end of the week and he'll like me back or atleast talk to me," you stuck your hand out as she hesitated before shaking it muttering a disapproving , 'deal'.
looking at her smugly you let your eyes quickly wander to mattheo , only to see him staring right at you. this caused you to gasp and turn you whole body to face harry next to you , who looked at you in confusion.
holding a hand to harrys ear and whispering , "is he still staring at me" timidly.
harry looked , only to see a very threatening mattheo riddle stare back at him like he started the wizarding war.
"oh merlin no not at you , hes looking at me , not in a .... very nice way," harry whispered back as you refused to turn , nervous by your crush of years staring in your direction.
grabbing harrys arm with your two hands and shaking it with a small cry of terror harry turned back to you, "hes so hot even when he looks like he wants to kill you! id let him as long as he never changed that gorgeous face"
"wow great to know you value my life," harry muttered sarcastically as you laughed at him before slowly turning bcak to face hermione , avoiding looking in mattheos direction.
"well hermione its great to do business with you," you smiled at her as she grimaced at you.
"he is a person you know," she said sternly.
"i know , thats the problem! hes good looking hes smart AND hes a good person!" you sighed.
"well i dont know about one of those things-" ron started in disinterested grumble.
"thats why im doing this hermione! hes so perfect that a little bet is the motivation i need to actually talk to him!" you ranted to her.
she just looked back a you blankly , nodding along to what you said , too bored to argue back.
"anyways , did anyone do their herbology homework?" hermione asked all three of us.
ron let out a defeated sigh , "how many times hermione , not all of us have that little time turning watch thing , we cant do herbology because its at the same time as history of magic!"
"well , ronald , i apolagise that i forgot!...." hermiones arguing back faded into the background as your sudden realisation that you had just made an impossible bet sunk in.
no one can melt mattheo riddle , it is literally impossible.
what have you gotten yourself into.
-----
maybe it is possible! oh the Gods of luck had blessed you today.
Dumbledore just announced the triwizard tournament and from your oh so knowledgable friend hermione , you knew that a ball was involved in the triwizard tournament. maybe the fact harrys name came out the goblet wasnt so good but you had a plan! now this may seem ridiculous , the ball isnt until christmas! but...throughout the term youre doing practices , the first one on friday! two days from now!
and your great plan was to dance with mattheo in this practice, gain his interest , ask him to hogsmeade over the weekend and then BOOM , hes in love!! all by the end of the week!
as you recited your plan to your three friends they looked back at you , horrified.
"right and... you expect mattheo riddle to fall in love with you , in three days?" ron asked in pure confusion.
"well yeah thats what i just said," you said with a shrug.
"y/n you're really not that charismatic i dont think youve ever flirted with anyeone nevermind asked a boy to hogsmeade," hermione said , almost with sympathy for your pure delusion.
"you guys are cruel i think i can ..... i cant do it." you dropped your act of confidence.
your shoulder slouched as you lost all hopes of catching the boy of your dreams , the plan drifting into the forgotten corner of your mind.
the trio watched you lose all happiness and life and let out sighs , harry deciding to speak up , "y/n i think your plan could work. i mean your flirting will be ... raw and.... new". he spoke with uncertainty as he tried to speak in a way that was reassuring , eventhough he didnt believe a word he said.
"really?" you said with hope , looking up at him.
"sure!" he smiled .
"let me practice on you harry!" as you turned to him with an excited smile drowning out his words of declining your request.
you looked at him with your prettiest smile , shuffling closer than before and playing with your hair , "hey boy , want me to be your chosen one?"
you winked at him as he blushed a deep red and looked anywhere but at you.
ron laughed loudly at harrys panic , "that really made you flustered?!, fucking hell!"
ron howled with laughter as harry rubbed his neck , until you turned to ron with the same flirtatious smile , "i really like your hair , i heard gingers are rare - wanna be my one in a million?"
ron paused his laughter and looked at you with horror , "there is literally like 5 other gingers in this room right now-"
"and out of all of them , i chose you" you winked at him as he was left speechless.
"yeah shes kinda good," ron laughed.
"all i can say is good luck, " hermione stated as you smiled in victory.
meanwhile an extremely angered mattheo riddle stood up from the slytherin table and stormed out the hall , having seen your whole encouter with harry.
----
the next thing you knew , you were sat on a bench with all of your year group present , boys on one side , girls on the other. you clenched your shaking hands onto the bench on either side of you , staring directly forward and avoiding mattheo who was stood a few metres away from where you stared.
"you were so confident a few days ago why are you shaking?" hermione asked teasingly.
you snapped your head towards her with a hard glare , "im in no mood for teasing mione im gonna throw up."
she sighed , "just ask him to dance its not that bad y/n dont worry!"
"and if he says no?" you asked in panic.
"then he says no and you lose the bet , " she smiled.
"its...its not really about the bet mione i really like him , if he rejects me i dont think ill recover." you look down at your lap as your leg bounces.
"oh give over! theres about 5 people i can see right now , staring at you , itching to dance with you," she nodded her head in the direction of a group of ravenclaws staring at you as you cringed internally , "and... ha it looks like mattheos seen them too!" she teasingly whsipered in a sing-song voice.
you gave her a confused look before turning to see mattheo , who was actually throwing a deathly glare at the boys who were staring at you.
"theyre probably looking at you mione," you sulked as she went to argue back , interrupted by Mcgonagall walking into the room.
"silence!" she started as you drowned out her words for the next 5 minutes , only tuning back in when she made ron dance with her , laughing hysterically at him.
after a few minutes of rons awkward dancing she urged everyone to join in , everyone hesitated and stayed seated until - to everyones -suprise mattheo was the first person to walk forward with a confident stride to our side of the room , coming straight towards......you?!!
you made eye contact with him and held a hopeful smile until daphne stood infront of him, blocking your view of him and stopping him in his tracks . he tried to get past her until she whispered something to him , making him stop and put his hand on her waist , beginning to dance as everyone else seemed to do the same.
but you remained in your seat , motified by the sight of the boy you liked dancing with one of the prettiest girls in your year , right infront of you.
hermione rested her hand on your shoulder sympathetically before being dragged away by a guy shes friends with in ravenclaw.
you sat in silence until a hand came into your view , held out to you. following up the arm the hand was attached to you finally reached harrys smiling face.
"he sucks anyway , dance with me instead?" he smiled as you allow you sadness to fade slightly , nodding and grabbing harrys hand allowing yourself to be pulled into the middle of the floor , about two metres from where mattheo and daphne danced.
"thanks harry," you said softly as you rested your arms around his neck , his hands resting on your waist.
"no worries, theres no other girl id rather dance with in this room."
"asides from cho chang but ill let you have it because she isnt technically in the room," as you laughed at his flustered face.
"hows ron after dancing with-" you started.
"oh hes horrified , dont worry ill make sure to bring that up for the rest of his life. im sure fred and george will too when i tell them," you both laughed together , letting yourself feel the meloncholia leave.
"i-" you began before being cut off by a sudden presence stood next to you and harry.
turning to look at who had created the shadow inbetween you , you were just as horrified as ron was to see mattheo stood there looking at you.
"can we dance?" he said sternly , not sparing a single glance at harry who had let go of your waist.
"but you were dancing with daphne-"
"i just danced with her whilst draco mustered up the courage to ask her himself , she didnt want to have no one to dance with. i wanted to dance with you." he said with zero hesitation , only breaking eye contact to glance at your arms still behind harrys neck , making you drop them quickly.
"s-...sure" he didnt wait to grab your hand and bring you towards him , resting his hands on your hips and shoving harry out the way with his side.
you felt the blood rush up to your cheeks , hesitantly bringing your arms around his neck and swaying to the music with him , falling into step with everyone else.
he pulled you in closer , his expression becoming softer as harry was gone and it was just you.
"why did you want to dance with me?" you asked so softly it was almost a whisper , a low exchange between two unknowingly requited lovers.
"why wouldnt i?" he paused , a so small - it was almost not visible -smile gracing his lips , "youre interesting."
"how so?" you laughed.
he laughed too before replying , "i dont know im..drawn to you. i have been since first year , i guess i just never acted on it till now."
"why?..."
he paused , "well you like potter dont you? and i dont know if you realise this but every guy here wants to be with you , theyre just too scared and i guess i was too."
you looked at him with pure confusion , "i dont not like harry , hes my best friend!"
he laughed , "well considering you left him to dance with me i think i know that now."
you smiled up at him , admiring every feature you hadnt seen before from your distant pining. from his deep brown eyes to how perfect his curls layed on his head , the small scar across his eyebrow and the so faint freckles that you can only see them at this close proximity.
"i think youre interesting too," he smiled at your words as you left the first sign of your requited feelings , "i dont know you well but ive always liked you. at first it was just because youre hot - but now its much more! youre cold to everyone but i can tell youre probably really nice, and youre so passionate during quidditch matches , and youre so smart which is really suprising considering you only show up to the lessons we share- oh. oh!" you rambled as you realised how obvious his signs were this whole time.
he laughed at you a very light pink painting itself across his cheeks , "yeah , oh."
you looked down sheepishly until his soft voice caught your attention again, "well i guess a trip to hogsmeade has been due for quite a while then?"
you grinned at him nodding your head in excitement , "definetly!"
as you and mattheo continued to sway and talk about everything you could think of - harry , ron and hermione stood in the corner of the room.
"fuck off she actually did it!!" ron said in pure suprise.
"ive never seen mattheo riddle smile before," harry commented before turning to a happy hermione , "you owe her five chocolate bars."
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forestfae · 2 years
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cant stop thinking about him not letting me look while giving me spankings so idk when the next one's coming
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haunted-xander · 7 months
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So. Fatebreaker, right? Ryne's biggest fears made manifest, daddy issues personified, yes?
He's an amalgamation of Thancred and Ran'jit, his face, his voice and his weapon is Thancred's, but his body, his fighting style and his words are Ran'jit's.
Throughout the fight Fatebreaker constantly makes comments about how only he can protect Ryne, only he can provide for her, only he has even the right to so much as stand beside her, to be in her general presence. He's possessive and obsessive, repeatedly asserting that she is HIS and his only. Which is exactly what Ran'jit says basically every time we encounter him.
But this time it's in Thancred's voice. This time it's with the voice and face of a man she actually cares about.
Ryne isn't scared of Thancred, she never has been. Even when she first met him she was barely even nervous (as clearly shown in Thancred's short story). There's a lot of different feelings happening between those two, but fear has never been one of them.
But now, after things have gotten so much better, she is scared of Thancred becoming like Ran'jit. Because if Thancred was just a little further gone, if he was just a little less compassionate, he would've. It wouldn't be hard for him to go down the same path as Ran'jit did, to be incapable of letting go of the ghost of that girl he loved so so much to the point he'd stubbornly grip anything close to her he could. He didn't, but the fact he could've is terrifying.
It makes his final words, words that are Thancred's, so very important. This is her deepest fears made manifest, but he still says he wants her to be happy. Her happiness not only matters, but is important to him.
#Now we -the audience- ofc knew Thancred was unlikely to go down that path#bc if theres one thing hes been consistent in even in his darkest moments its living up to his loved ones' wishes and legacies#the only time he even speaks against it is his conversation w minfilia in amh araeng#and thats more a case of all his (poorly) repressed grief and stress exploding than him actually meaning what he says#and trying to control rynes life after minfilia literally told him to just let her live her life goes directly against that#i think about fatebreaker a lot. as i do all things related to ryne & thancred#and to me its so important to note that hes more or less ran'jit with just enough thancred in him to be *too* thancred for comfort#its so. her greatest fear isnt even the thing thats been haunting her her whole life (being forced to fill in for minfilia)#its having her free will taken from her by the person she cares about the most (thancred)#and for him to be trapped in endless suffering because he cant move on#just like ran'jit did and was#its not even necessarily that shes all that scared of ran'jit himself#what shes scared about is caring about someone like that#because then she wont say no or try to be anyone but minfilia#(thats also why this fear appears specifically after things get better)#(because she was already ready to forsake herself if it eased thancred suffering)#okay im gonna stop now i need to sleep gnight everyone#ryne waters#thancred waters#ran'jit#final fantasy#final fantasy 14#final fantasy xiv#ff14#ffxiv#xander rambles#at this point i should make a tag for ryne ramble posts i make so many of them#tomorrow. maybe. if i remember#edit: i made it#xander being insane about ryne
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candlebel · 1 month
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I cared. I still do. I still think of you and I still cry over you. You were importat to me. You still are.
#I was interested. I wanted to get to know you.#I did not want validation. I only said it because you said it... I don't know why. I was susceptible.#I was blindly accepting certain things that you said about me. Judgement that you had for me.#I was under severe stress from my job at the time; while at the same time dealing with unresolved emotional trauma and very low self worth.#I was burnt out. Crushed... Completely.#I didn't want attention. I did not want you to cure my depression. I though I was just letting you know me. I wasn't aware I was oversharin#I tried... SO HARD to get over the things that triggered me and hurt me but I just couldn't...#I wanted to. I did everything in my might; I took it to therapy; I looked everywhere within me; to either get over it#or completely forget about you and stop caring at all; so things were ok and normal again; but it didn't go away...#to this day...#I just feel so... unsafe... at the idea of talking again#I know I wasn't the best listener and I profoundly regret that.#I was not only thinking about myself like you said and I was aware of the effort that other's put; but I was afraid/resistant to PRECISELY#that cause of past events with other people. Because in some I was the one putting that effort and ended badly for me. Looking back#that was inappropiate of you because you felt too comfortable generalizing my past relationships and why in your head they failed.#“I cant help but feel you are looking down on people who” Stay away from me if you ever make a stretch like this again.#By “experiment” I meant that you don't know how a relatioship with somebody is gonna turn out until you go and try. That's all I meant.#I didn't want things to turn out this way. I'm sorry they did.#The effort I put for you may have been shit to you. But to me it was a lot. And I'm done taking judgement.#Altho I love my friends I still keep distance. I still can't completely help that. I can go months not talking to my BF.#You were my BF during my teenage years. I remembered you fondly. I still do.#I don't feel ready to talk again having to keep to myself interest that I might have. Related to trauma. I do not feel comfortable with tha#No I do not look at your blogs.#The day I said I was abused I had a panic attack right after that. That's mainly why I had to cut contact: I didn't want another one.#I didn't tell you because I didn't trust you to not say “talk to the void” again. I didn't trust you to want to hear about it. I didnt feel#safe with you anymore. Event tho we ressumed contact I felt that way the entire time.#I wanted to answer all the questions you had; I really did; until I couldn't stand it anymore.#And the day I removed you from discord... I know you probably had an awful day that day... I'm so; so sorry...#I'd like to one day be completely unbothered by assumptions and stuff cuz I know it's not your fault... You went through stuff too...#vent
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fleshdyke · 11 months
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ahsgsjaugejwjg
#sh/sui warning for tags#been having a shit day and just not feeling great overall and usually drinking water and eating helps but it hasnt today :/#which means its an Actual Problem this time. like i knew it was an actual problem when i fucking cut AGAIN but idk#idk man. im just so so so scared of my friends hating me#and i know i have to see my partner again bc she is the one and only person that never ever makes me feel safe and unjudged and everything#but idk. as of right now im just not havin a great time.#like its actually so stupid the things i get upset about. there was some motivational speaker at my school today and when we got called down#to go watch the presentation i had to take like five seconds to grab my bag and phone from my desk#and my two friends got up and left together without waiting for me#and i know it wasn’t their intention and they weren’t trying to be mean or anything but man. doesnt make it hurt less yk.#and i saw some post from a guy in my school of him and his friends in the cafeteria and idk why but it made me so sad. it made me think abt#one time my friends said they wanted to walk around at lunch so i was like ok i’ll eat alone that’s fine bc i’m too disabled to walk around#the school. and then someone sent me a pic of them all eating together in the cafeteria. and i know they probably just stopped there for a#second and weren’t purposely ignoring me or anything but man that did not help yk#i want to leave them alone bc they never seem to want to talk to me but im trying to tell myself its just my mind but its so hard to#and i do love my friends and im making them seem a lot worse here than they are but its just. god im so scared.#idk. i dont actually want to die but i wish i could kms like. temporarily.#i know this is bad and manipulative but i just cant shake the want to know what would happen if i did yk. and this is a terrible train of#thought but like i want my friends to realize how scared this makes me and if i have to kms to do that. idk.#ive brought it up to them before and they pretty much told me to eat with someone else and i said i didnt have any other friends and they#kind of just said not my problem. so i dont want to bring it up again bc im mature enough to deal with my own issues and shit#it’s just hard man. i dont know how im supposed to communicate w them bc everything feels like im traumadumping on them and i dont want to#bother them. im trying to convince myself its not an issue and it doesnt actually bother me but i know it does bc i just fucking relapsed#and i had a city council thing in class today and i was the only person that was denied any funding at all and i was trying not to take it#personally and i was doing pretty good but i told my mom about it and she started defending the ppl that refused me anything and then it was#suddenly personal to me for some reason. its stupid and i know that but god that doesnt make it any better#rambles#vent
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opens-up-4-nobody · 7 months
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...
#so theres this terrible thing i do where i force myself to get up way too early and go into the lab before anyone else#bc i get overwhelmed when lots of ppl r around. its terrible bc if u do that over and over it kinda breaks ur brain#but there is something i like abt walking around while its still dark out and on ones on thr roads looking up at the stars and theyre all#haloed here bc theres actually moisture in thr air here. i feel. idk how i feel. more normal i guess. like neutral but in a negative way.#like i dont really care about anything. probably im just tired. i haven't been sleeping well. maybe its the birth control#which im still taking bc im too curious abt how my mood fluctuates when my hormones r controlled. or maybe its my mood. but ive been tired#and ive not been having fun. i just feel like im very no thoughts empty head. here's info do u have anything to say abt it? any observations#? no. no. cant read cant think cant talk in a way that makes may sense. what do we do abt it? i dunno. i dunno.#sleep maybe. stop taking the birth control maybe. talk to my councilor monday definitely. give her an insane rant abt how im definitely not#bipolar lol i think ive got a point. but i go back and forth idk. it doesn't really matter. i just find it interesting#sigh. remember when i had time to draw? remember when i wanted to draw? now im just tired#whatever. ill sleep and feel better. get my executives to function maybe. maybe. but probably not#i did cut off like 3 inches of hair on impulse. got that chin length depression haircut. classic#unrelated
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horrorwebs · 2 years
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fucking hell fucking hell is she gonna reject me? i want to let sth out for a second and didnt want to tell my psychologist until i have answers so. tags it is
#so. i told my friend i like her. i really really do you cant imagine how much. this was while i was away on a trip last week and we were#messaging.honestly i wanted to be brave enough to tell her in person but i tried already and i was tired of waiting for 'the perfect moment#i was tired of not doing anything ever and watching my life go by. so i drann a bit and told her. not bc i was a bit drunk thats just an#excuse. i was plenty conscious and still scared as fuck (so much that after i sent the message i took a lap around the building lol)#she said i should be scared first. then that she wasnt sure what to say. in her words 'more yes than no. but i dont know what to say'#understandable. she prob wasnt expecting it and its not amazing to have a conversation like that through text (despite the fact that our#relationship has always relied heavily on texting cause weve always stayed up talking. like from day 1)#anyway. she said that before we met she had a crush on me (i already knew this) and that she sometimes felt this way too wbut was scared i#didnt feel that way as well and didnt wanna risk anything so didnt do anything (granted. but she DID say plenty of ambiguous things +#told me i could sleep w her then um. slept on top of me. hugging. you know)#my friend said this was a good sign i was nervous and told her that i thought it was weird and she said her response was p good#and later she uploaded on her cf story a video that said a ring she shares w me is her 'married ring' so i think thats good??#but also. we havent talked yet (hard to do in 15 min at school) and i have a bad fweling#i feel shes going to say sth like she likes me but doesnt want to risk what we have esp considering her other friends sometimes treat her#badly/exclude her and that shes worried if we fight we are going to lose our friendship + shes going to lose my friends as well#which is well. stupid of course. because i always want her in my life. i think she knows this. i want her to know this.#ever since we met i want her in my life and i cant stop thinking about her and how i miss her and her eyes and how she hugs me and GOD#THE OTHER DAY WHEN WE SAW EACH OTHER AFTER I WENT ON A WEEK LONG TRIP SHE FUCKIN. LIFTED ME OFF THE GROUND AND. CARRIED ME AROUND#HONESTLY IT WAS A BIT EMBARASSING THERE WERE LOTS OF PPL SRIUND AND IM A VERY PRIVATE PERSON BUT I WAS SO HAPPY !!!!#and idk i just dont want her to reject me. shes the first person i really like and i see myself together with. we have so much in common an#we understand each other and we are GOOD for each other. shes so good for my life and i want to believe i am as awell and god how i#want to kiss her and call her my girlfriend and just. agh#its exhausting liking someone huh#loveposting#spikeposting#if anyone has read this far omg hi thank you what do you think?
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gothcarmelasoprano · 1 year
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maw why are these troll accounts linked through my ex best friends STILL following me
#im highly convinced at this stage she was the one that made the fake accounts#the gas thing is is that she was mainly an online friend and had she kept in touch with me at the time she wouldve known i was in the#studio in college preparing for my assignment for the semester so i dont fail like there were specific requirements we had to get done for#that week... and you think i would have that time to make fake accounts if anything itd be you and your online friends#emphasis on online because you could hardly make friends or even get a job here so you got one back home#the saddest thing is that the memes can be funny but its just what they represent in this whole situation that sours it completely#dont get me started on her friend she is honestly so polarising even from an outsider's perspective#ugh it doesnt annoy me anymore as it did because at the end of the day it has nothing to do with me but the fact that theyre STILL going on#about it makes me think that her and her online buddies have nothing else to do apart from being with themselves constantly#i had that life but no way did i want to live that way in my 20s 💀#i fucked up before that incident but isnt it convenient when we hardly spoke for a month just for the ~fake account~ to appear to stop#being friends like as awful as it sounds but itd actually be a lot easier just to say you dont want to be friends#instead of dragging outsiders into it like you do best#the saddest thing is that she was actually quite fake even before she went down a permanent online rabbit hole#and i was aware of it but because i was emotionally vulnerable at the time i never cut her off since i really wanted friends to talk to#play that cool girl alty idgaf attitude all you like but it doesn't change the fact that you're superficial no matter how much you mask it#ugh im hormonal and i cant sleep but at the same time its nice to be able to freely bc not as many people use tumblr anymore#i block those accounts not because im offended or im precious about my image but they do spam and its annoying af so i dont want that tbh#having pictures with a school friend whilst under the same breath making jokes of their dead brother is not a good look 😬#i did fucked up things as a result of coping with trauma and alienation as a teenager but this is actually low?#im sorry but it does it screams fake and im pretty sure that the fake treatment was given to me when we first became friends#fake people rarely ever change#i have to get ready for work in an hour this was unexpected#might vent later because i feel like i can do anything on this godforsaken website#the shocking thing to them is that they nothing on me if anything the 'proof' she showed me almost exposed her and her crowd#i have deleted my fb account but i still have the screenshots somewhere
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sovaharbor · 1 year
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tbh all i want to write is a fic where all the x-men student classes sit in a circle and talk about their traumas
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pizzapizzadickz · 2 years
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...somedays are just so much worse than others. Lately, I've been caught up in thinking, yet again, what if I'm faking everything. Well. Not that persay. More like. What if everything I think is going on is actually based on something false. And it sucks. Bc. I just start to worry that I cannot fix anything. Idk. Its just. Its nice to have an answer to things. And it'd hurt if my answer is wrong I suppose. You could show me all the evidence in the world and in the end I still won't believe it. I'll still think im wrong somehow. But at the same time I believe I'm right. How odd is that?
Ever since ive been young I've always questioned myself like that. I used to question who I am and what makes up me. And I never rly had an answer. I always just felt hollow and out of place. Even now that's all I feel.
Sometimes I can tell my thinking is heavily distorted. And honestly sometimes I question if it's ever not.
#diary#personal#its a little ramble-y i guess. idk if anyone but me can understand this. but its hard to put into words...#more and more i just feel this giant glass wall between me and everything else.#sometimes ive been thinking if anything is real. just. idk.#but even more than that i just keep doubting everything i think. maybe if i just tried harder. mayber if i was a better person...#maybe then that wouldntve happened. maybe if i just did more id be functional.#and. its just been a really hard day today. mn. really bad.#i dont rly eanna go into details tbh. but me and my dad fought again and everythings changed again and i dont like it.#mn. but in the end. the reason why im going to therapy is bc ive tried just working harder.#just. ignoring everything. and unfortunately it doesnt seem like everything is all in my head#well. i mean some of it LITTERALLY is all in my head. well i mean really the whole human experience is kinda sorta.#but. the things i get exhausted for. the things i just feel like i cant do anymore. theyre real#i guess thats a comfort at least. i may not know why i cannot function. but at least the pain i feel is real i suppose#haha. but what if thats like. just malfunctioning hardware. haha. ha.#i hate this loop. its probably like an ocd obsesive thought spiral. i do this a lot.#bc in the end this is probably one thing i cant actually prove or think my way out of.#bc i know the human experience is innately flawed. we easily could be in a simulation. and bc of that i discount nothing.#mn. its. getting sorta dissociatey or depersonalizationy now. i should stop n sleep.#im just rly sad. i was a bit too honest with mom today about dad and everything hurts now.#...somedays i rly dont wanna be alive. not bc i wanna die. just. im really really tired. its easier when things are laid out for me#when i know that if x happens i do y. and i dont like this autonomy i have sometimes. sometime i wish i didnt have it. haha.#suicidal ideation#...i dont know how the fuck i can talk to a therapist about all of this. or how useful itd even be. in the end it feels like im not me.#im. sorta scared of myself. and tired of it. i dont like the way i react. the way i am. im so scared.#i have to deliberate so long on something thatd take someone else no time. and its pitiful sometimes#trying to keep up with everything like this is exhausting.#i. sometimes i wonder what id actually be like if so many things were different. but its a useless question. bc they arent#in the end all you can do is move forward with the current you. nothing more. nothing less.#even if i dont rememebr the past or its different from what i recal. i suppose its okay. bc the now is my truth in the end.
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"Entjs are known as the most rational type. But studies keep showing that most entjs are religious. And that seems contradictory!!"
Oooooh boy.
Lots to unpack there.
#i get that mbti is my dads special interest#i would really like to stop hearing about it tho#one of the videos he was watching yesterday was claiming Margaret fuckin thatcher as a positive representation of an entj#my dude i dont think Margaret thatcher is a good example. of anything.#also i always wonder how they know ''x famous person had y personality type''#like.......did you give them the test????? or are you just going off information we have on them????#or like. julius Caesar. how tf could you possibly know his fuckin mbti type#its like trying to posthumously diagnose someone with like...autism.#like. sure. we can say that based off what we know that Einstein had some autistic traits#but i think its a bit disingenuous to say Einstein was autistic. CUZ WE DONT KNOW THAT#or henry cavendish. based on everything we know about him and his mannerisms he had a lot of autistic traits.#but theres no way to know with 100% certainty that he was autistic#that would require being able to talk to him and we cant cuz hes been dead since 1810#now obviously autism and personality types are not the same thing but both are being assigned based on observable traits#like man at least when people do astrology for famous people at least theyre going off verifiable information#.....as in what the persons sign is....not the rest of it lol#like yes we know what this persons sign is cuz we know when their birthday is#astrology people are annoying but at least the aesthetics are nice#mbti doesnt even have that going for it#the people are just as annoying
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daimoan · 9 days
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dont remember if i ever was this angry at anyone before
#keep thinking abt [redacted]#wack. tbh#like embarrassing idgaf abt this guy why is he still on my mind.#this is some ego feeding shit like its cool to hate and be angry or something?#its just that i think he should be corrected. but the system is not in agreement on this.#guy was like my best friend for a couple months never even asked abt the system lol n theyr like looking out for him#or i guess mby theyre looking out for me/us. so as to not go to jail/be haunted by our choices our whole lives.#whatever#i know how to make it stop it is just taking time and effort. because its like 1. kind of addictive so i keep accidentaly/habitually reinfo#cing it and 2. the other option is to face that im hurt and i cant do shit about it realy other than ... LeArN from it or some shit#like learn what? i already went full schizoid over this.#maybe i dont need to learn shit lol maybe i already did it :)#so just the pain then. and overcoming the hate habit. and like just letting it go and forgetting abt it#but the thing is that he needs to die i think.#i want to kill kill kill kill him so bad.#i hope hes not reading this in case i ask to meet him again sometime. for business.#maybe thats why its still on my mind#because im unwilling to let go of the idea that we could help eachother if i wasnt so stupid hurt over some little thing (the nasty shit he#pulled that hurt me lol) like bro. bro. im not going to just get over it. like thts rly the thing. 3-5 yrs ago i would have totally just#elected to get over it and make up or smth like that.#and im v unwilling to do that now while lots of my brain architecture is still built for that interaction style.#so when im thinking kill kill kill kill im going to [redacted as fuck im not putting that shit online this is already bad enough] mby im#actually killing the mental structures that make me a target for abuse :)))))))))#all is good in the world i love myself and my life. and absolutely no one else. except my mom and my friends and that one other guy who als#might read my blog but i really doubt it bc he doesnt evenrly ask me how im doing or anything . its cool though. for now.
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jazzzhd · 26 days
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Rant in tags with suicide mention
#im struggling a lot today#i just keep thinking about my grandma and how she refused to help me in this hopeless situation#she has a huge house with three open bedrooms and a whole basement and she refused to let us stay with her#because she wants her new fucking boyfriend to move in with her#and now im out over $2000 for staying a month in this shitty fucking hotel room#when that money could have went towards permanent housing if only she had let us stay a month or two and figure it out#i already cut contact with her when she said she wouldnt let us stay with her#but all day today i cant stop thinking about it. i thought she fucking cared about me but apparently she cares more about a guy#that shes known for maybe 2 years?#combined with the suicidal thiughts i have#i just cant stop thinking about committing and what i would say to her before doing so#i cant stop thinking that if i did commit if we become homeless that she could have easily prevented it#i just want to hurt her as much as she has hurt me#and i hate that. but im in the worst situation ive ever been in my life and she cant even help me by giving us money even#when all the rest of my family is doing everything they can#becuase weve wasted all our savings were going to have to stay here at least another month#but possibly even 2-3 more months#when we could have just taken a month or two at max to get things figured out and get permanent housing#i cant rationalize why she would not help us unless she doesnt give a shit about me#so honestly FUCK her. i told her she should never expect to hear from me again and i stand by that.
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my heels have been raw for a WEEK now from the flats i wore to my interview last week. i had to go out, get a decent looking outfit JUST for it, had to put on some makeup -i don’t wear makeup-, had to buy a cheap ass pair of dress shoes from walmart to go with it, couldn’t just show up in my old tennis shoes… only to get there and for all the guys i was up against to be wearing jeans and their tennis shoes like they just came from the gym- and MOST of them got the job. every single woman in there was dressed nice, hair done, modest yet professional clothes, PRESENTABLE. and almost every guy was dressed like they just came from a bar. idk.
they tell you not to have blue hair or visible tattoos or piercings “BeCaUsE nO oNe WiLl HiRe YoU!!” and so you never dye your hair like you want to, you dress nice, you put effort into your appearance for this one day, you wear uncomfortable shoes that shred your heels and you have to wear bandaids for the next week, you give your most thoughtful answers to the interview questions, and it still might not be enough. meanwhile Mr Burger Grease Stained Shirt McGee beside you in his beat up sketchers bullshitted all his answers and landed the job
#i shouldnt still be thinking about it. but i just had to change my bandaids AGAIN and my heels dont look like theyre getting better at all#theyre still raw#it was a group interview and the only other lady in there didnt get the job#only a couple guys out of thr entire pool for my time slot were dressed Nice#like not in their every day casual clothes. one guy wore a marble looking maroon suit jacket which i respect the hell out of#he got the job.#but almost everyone else was in casual wear. hell I was the only girl in pants!! business type pants but still#ALL the women were dressed up. only a few of us made it through#a lot more effort was put in on our part. and yet#idk. im not trying to articulate any specific point here. just kinda cant stop thinking#about how none of the guys are having to wear bandaids on their heels for a week#after their 4 hour interview process#i was only in the damn things for 4 hours. from start to the time i already had the job and drug tested it was only ~4 hours#just my life#vent#im not complaining that they got the job…its just the fact that they didnt put half the effort into looking presentable as we did yknow?#why did i have to put concealer on to be taken seriously. why couldnt i have gone in in my old tennis shoes and still gotten the job#because LAST time i went in for the same interview i DIDNT wesr makeup#and i DIDNT wear flats. i went in in my tennis shoes and formal-ish pants and a sweater and didnt get the job#im not saying how i dressed this time is what did get me the job…but i know that i put more effort into looking the part of an interviewee#this time and i did get the job. so idk. did it make a difference? it was the only thing i did different this time so i have to think it did#idk. i guess i just would like to see the same amount of effort put in. either that or dont make ME put in so much effort.#let me show up in MY casual wear and MY comfortable shoes.#idk. my heels hurt and its annoying
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toytulini · 1 year
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Why did you have to read Ben Carson's book to get access to the twilight books? What was stopping you from just getting the twilight books? I'm confused and curious
BKGDJWVIVE oh my god i just saw this sorry. my mom made me read the ben carson book before she was willing to buy me the last 2 books while i was in middle school. it was dumb but in retrospect its so ridiculous its funny.
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