#cap_julz

[julesdroools]

livin this gud dog life

I hit 5 months sober and clean. I am doing the work and feeling drained and full simultaneously. I love the sun and the people I’ve met in the recent months. The love and gratitude I have for these people I never knew I’d adore is wild.

Life is alright yknw, I have no money but hey that’s alright. I’m here and for once I’m grateful to be here. I’ll be 24 in a couple weeks and that blows my mind. I’ll be in San Francisco with my pal and camp in the woods for part of the week. What a dream

#cap_julz #queer #trans #sober #miss y’all

[julesdroools]

ended the trip in SF

going from complete isolation in the woods to this was a bit jarring. But we made the most of it and enjoyed the beginning of the parade

Grateful I got to go and enjoy the days, I was surprisingly calm most of the time. Only on edge as we walked across the city for a meeting

Can’t believe I’m 24, dunno how that happened but that seems to be how it goes. Not sure how things work - I’m just here for the ride

#cap_julz #lgbtq #queer #trans #san fransico #pride

[julesdroools]

grateful to be where I am

#cap_julz #queer #trans #sober

[julesdroools]

grateful to be here, especially on the days it’s hard to hear.

I’m farther than I’ve ever been and still feel like I’m slacking. I love my days. I love the old women in the rooms who I see regularly.

grateful for the people in my days and those who I don’t even talk to regularly. Grateful for G, and all her light she’s shared with me. Thank dog for my days

#cap_julz #queer #aa #sober #hope yr days bring you light

[julesdroools]

i got a couple handful of days and am grateful for them and the sunrise meeting I get to go

I’m painting and it’s going, i made a zine after months not making one. I get to celebrate g’s albums release this week with her and im grateful for that, for her wanting me there with her and her close friends.

I am trying to mingle more with fellows, tho it’s a slow process. But still going well

#cap_julz #queer #trans #aa

[julesdroools]

Christmas was sweet and painful

#cap_julz #queer #trans

[julesdroools]

to the love I have taken for granted

#cap_julz #queer #trans #queer artist #hrt #i hope yr all well #remember when tumblr use to be like a hotspot of all kinds of guds #i use to get so many weird asks but it was entertaining at best

[julesdroools]

Grateful for the past couple weeks and the opportunities given to me. I had my show and it went surprisingly well. I have been filling a couple commitments at my meeting. Working a lot and I’m very drained lately.

But still here and still going. Writing more, painting less. I (soberly) cried for the first time about my mom the other night. It was surreal, left me shakey the next day. As brutal as it was, I’m glad that I did it.

#cap_julz #queer #trans #aa #queer artist #hrt #queer art #i hope yr all well #hope the Xmas blues aren’t too brutal #i can feel mine kicking in but that’s what a bowl of nighttime cereal

[julesdroools]

I reached two weeks, and everyday- I think of picking up. I ring up countless bottles of wine and beer, the occasional whiskey or vodka and my mouth waters. I salivate, like pavlovs dog.

I did my t shot the other day and my hands were shaking. My heart was racing and all day I was jittery, craving to shoot up.

I share in the meetings, and I talk to my sponsor everyday. I’m scared of re-opening my big book. I’ve been thinking of dog a lot the past few days- turning it over. I finally slept last night, the whole night through. Rough dreams but I slept

It’s going

#cap_julz #aa #queer #i hope yr all well

[julesdroools]

I have a show coming up (!) in December which I’m both nervous and excited for.

Spent a whole day of fellowship and was completely drained after. But a pal gifted me the best chair I’ve ever sat in. And I gifted them a painting.

And I’m excited to spend the holidays with G, I went to her show a few weeks ago and it was really warm to see her perform. She wishes I could go with her to Portland for her show which makes me nervous.

I’ve just been trying to show up, clean house, talk to dog, write about the things that flood my mind and so far it’s okay. I got 38(?) days clean and sober

#cap_julz #queer #trans #aa #hrt #queer artist #queer art #i hope yr all well #tell me yr days pls

[julesdroools]

some zine pgs from multiple issues, thinking of making a little book of all the issues

#cap_julz #queer #trans #trans artist #queer artist #queer art #trans art #trans zine #queer zine #looking back at old issues is strange to see how I thought

[julesdroools]

21 days sober and clean kiid; I am in a new home and I am so wildly grateful for this place. A place im welcomed and wanted- place to make it my own.

Spent my morning with the chickens and eating cereal, going to a meeting everyday, calling my sponsor. Listen to speaker tapes the last hour of my shift. Today was the first day I actually felt gratitude in a long time- a deep compassion for gratitude.

I have tomorrow off and im nervous for the free time but am going on a hike in the evening- and my meeting in the morning. But still nervous, to actually breathe and sit.

I did find out my work’s health care covers all gender affirming care and you bet once it kicks in- I’m getting these b**bies removed.

#cap_julz #queer #trans #aa #hrt #i hope yr all doing well #I still think of picking up everyday sometimes multiple days #but that’s how it goes

[julesdroools]

I met my dad yesterday, haven’t seen him in like 17 years. He is -not what I had thought but in a good way.

Much softer voice, but still strong. Smaller hands than I imagined, but good eyes that felt very far away. Maybe it was nerves to see my sister and I or the guilt he feels. Tears were quick for him, easy almost and I noticed myself becoming envious of how easy it seemed for him to cry.

I had a weird amount of compassion for him. It was much easier to feel how he feels than when I would try with my mom.

I also went to a show with my old pal and have 10 days and was thinking yesterday I’d break it but somehow I didn’t (cause I was honest). I also may have found a more permanent home which I am grateful for >> dog is that you ?

#cap_julz #queer #trans #aa #queer artist #hrt #i hope yr all well #I’m over Halloween which is very rare #also been thinking of gifts for a fellow who I care for so deeply #and for my sponsor #I already got invited to a sober Friendsgiving which is cute #I am nervous for actual thanksgiving but we’ll see

[julesdroools]

i love shared warmth and I wish I knew how to better

I hit 90 days, longest in almost two years. I’m doing my work and I’m showing up. I’m continually being honest with myself and people around me and it’s fuggin hard. Im tired as hell and I want so badly to just go back into wut I know even tho I know it won’t bring comfort or relief. At least not for the amount of time I wish for.

I will write more, paint, finish the paintings and kiss the dog as the sun kisses me

#cap_julz #i love you too

[julesdroools]

I got 7 days today and wanna blow my brains out. Not literally but damn, feels harder this time. More irritable, more anger, more restless sweaty nights.

But there’s warmth somewhere under it all. This is generally what my days look like so enjoy

#cap_julz #queer #trans #aa #queer artist #hrt #smoking way too many cigarettes but if that’s the bad I’ll take it #grateful for the weird meetings I’ve been going to full of old men #also strange they see me as a young man but WuteveR

[julesdroools]

my days lately have been holding a lot of beauty. I’ve been real tired lately but at the same time there’s some influx of ideas and belief in things of my life.

my pal gave me a tattoo, I hit 60 days, I am working out consistently again, and my lunch walks help me stay grateful for having a job.

#cap_julz #queer #trans #i am living in a lot of gratitude today #not sure why but I’m embracing it