#care a lot abt my identity and the asexual identities | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

annabelle--cane · 1 year

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hii I saw your post abt not wanting sex and i was wondering if you had any tips for unlearning the feeling of needing to and feeling like the need to 'prove something'? hopefully this makes sense but anyway thank u for writing it, i felt really seen by it :')

that's a real bastard of a feeling to try and work through and I'm glad you could get something from my post, unlearning that stuff is an annoyingly long process and I hope it doesn't suck for you too much. I tried looking up tips for those feelings a few times when they were really hitting me a while back and didn't really find anything that felt right, so all advice I have is based on what I figured out for myself. (hello irls on this account, I'm gonna be a bit personal so if you see this no you didn't xoxo)

my experiences with this were greatly shaped by the fact that I realized I was ace while I was already a year into a relationship with an allo person (now 3 1/2 years into that relationship, hehe), and I think that made it both easier and harder. it was harder in that I had someone I really cared about right in front of me who I'd feel guilty about constantly rejecting, but it was easier in that, since I found the guts to explain everything to her, she's made sure to thank me for being honest every time I set a boundary or say no. but, obviously, "ask for support and reassurance from your partner" isn't something that's useful if you don't have a partner, so I have a few other things.

another thing that I found helpful was looking into asexual theory and nonfiction. blog posts, video essays, articles, books, etc. I'm a very academically inclined person so it may not appeal to everyone to try and look into, like, how asexuality influences contemporary feminist and disability theory on sexual politics, but I really appreciate seeing other aspec people talk about their identities and experiences as things with importance that add to the world. it helps to, sort of, normalize the concepts to me and provide reminders that there are other people out there having thoughts similar to mine, if that makes sense. a book rec I'd have for this is ace by angela chen (I have a few disagreements with one or two of its takes but overall it's very solid and provides a lot of good insights), and I haven't read these myself but I've seen the invisible orientation by julie sondra decker and refusing compulsory sexuality by sherronda j brown referenced a lot aspec lit circles.

I've also found it helpful to try and take a step back and figure out, socially speaking, where these impulses that sex is necessary come from. reading theory does a lot of this for me, but I also try and untangle it by myself. who does it benefit for me to feel like this? what social structures are reinforced through compulsory sexuality? historically, when did these beliefs start being pushed? if I can trace the idea back to root causes like structural misogyny or classism, I find it easier to reject; I know those things suck and were designed to hurt me so I don't want anything to do with them.

those are the main concrete things I can think of, but if anyone reading this has anything to add then feel free to reply/reblog

#anons #answered

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berrymeter · 2 years

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Now I'm curious about this bedman 👀 also feel free take to ur time answering my (many) questions 💕💕💕💕

BED.MAN. lies down (like him). ok let me grab a picture of this freak

first thank u for asking about the simplest thing in there LMAOOO ... so... Him. & his fucking downvote on his forehead. lmao. i'm laughing so i don't start crying i love this fucking guy

he & his sister were both born with a condition that is. pretty funny in theory but in practice it's kinda awful actually. the condition is such that they have wayyy too high human intellect to the point their bodies' cells are literally unable to keep up with their brains if they wake up, & would die in a matter of seconds if they did wake. his sister ended up like, kinda Going To The Backyard (source code of the universe i mentioned) & he's been motivated to bring her back ever since. he can affect the world around him through his bed which is his weapon, & the world of dreams, which is where he essentially lives & where he communicates with others from. he can also teleport ppl but don't worry about it

his personality is that essentially he's a redditor i fucking GUESS... "you have to have a high iq to understand rick & morty" type of guy except rick & morty is sooo far beneath him. he's a hitman & he's really good at it too bc he learns his opponents' weaknesses & breaks them down physically & mentally by listing their failings & shit lmao, except he also memorises the names & identities of every single person he kills so he can bring them back to life in the ideal world he's aiming to create. (this makes me fucking sick btw the whole 'oh haha this guy sucks' & then he actually wants to bring them back to life? i'm going to kms!!!) he also Does kill ram.lethal's puppy to teach her the importance of life/how to feel emotions (which is grand coming from him) but like he brings it back or smth so like it's whatever. he was supposed to kill ram.lethal but refused which thanks dude. he has never shown attraction to anybody & even his magnum wedding quotes (attack that makes you gay/straight for el.phelt) are like... "leave me alone wtf!!!" so ? asexuality win!

so anyway he fucking dies bc he gets taken on by ve.nom & ro.bo-ky (again feel free to ask abt them) & is forced to wake up to use his full abilities. except well. *pained smile* after they defeat him ar.iels shows up & mocks him etc etc & he's so fucking pissed & resentful & probably feeling like an idiot & also remorseful that he tries to kill her. and fails. and he turns into stone. and then into dust. now his consciousness remains in his bed apparently. & his sister's back! & she wants revenge! & she's friends with ba.iken who is so cool! but be.dman is fucking dead. & like i get why ve.nom & ro.bo-ky attacked him he Was a threat but godddd ... sigh;.. i care about him a lot i just need a moment look at him while i recover from shitty scrunkly's fucking dead disease

#asks #elle🐱#imagine getting the morbs over this guy. im a fool #guilted gears lore

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lessbaguetteplease · 6 months

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Ok imma sincere myself a bit and 'vent' (? Abt my aromanticism and asexuality

I realized I was aroace after a lot of internal debate, but the braking point was when I met my long distance gf for the first time. I felt so uncomfortable with all the couple stuff that I just knew I had to be aroace, it was crystal clear. But although I love my identity, I sometimes feel so lonely.

Probably bc of childhood trauma and stuff of never feeling like the priority of anyone and that I was invisible for other people, cus other didn't care abt me, that I feel so affection starved. I always felt like "I want someone to love me that deeply, but I can't correspond that kind of love. Even if I want to"

Also probably bc I'm autistic, most of the time I don't know where is the limit between friendship affection and flirting, so I'm scared to get too close to people in case they missinterpretate it, or if I'm to annoying to them and that kind of stuff

I recently came across the term queerplatonic relationships and god fucking dammit, how I wish I find someone to have one. Someone I know we won't have romantic feelings and won't fall for each other, but can get as close and intimate (not in a sexual way) as normative couples. In fact I met someone that I felt if we got to meet eachother more, we could have had it. He is a gay boy and I'm an aroace "girl" (I identify more with the term agender, but never really come out as it, so yeah) and we had this kind of connexion I don't feel with most people, where I'm truly comfortable and enjoying socializing cuz we are similar souls. I met him in a student residence, but sadly I had to move to another residence. We are actually pretty close and want to keep the contact, but we are both too busy to hang out, plus I don't think he feels all this things the way I do so, whatever, I'll try my best at least. And even if we hang out, it's not the same as coexisting in the same building, having dinner together and go to our rooms or the community livings to chat and play.

Whatever, I'm driving off topic. It's just a bit frustrating being aroace in my situation sometimes. I feel lonely and that's the feeling I most hate. Of course I'm proud of my identity and I'm happy to be independent without the need of a partner and sex in my life. But as I said, sometimes I just want someone to love me like that, even if I can't correspond

Thank you if you have read until the end. Have a cookie 🍪 good night!

#queerplatonic #aroace #aromanitc #aroace pride #aromantic asexual #aromanticism #lgbtq #arospec #vent post #personal experience

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oh-no-boi · 9 months

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its sort of.. eh? seeing the post abt like how figuring out ur identity to all the micro identities is uh individualistic and we should focus on what we have in common and stuff.... and i mean i agree

but its so weird bc i struggled with it and tried to dissect it all so much bc i felt like i didnt fit in with the ace community lol like it literally felt so isolating feeling like im ace but not emotionally connecting with what a lot of people were saying

im rly happy there are a lot more micro identites that are under asexuality and aromatism now and i can see myself in them better

finding the aces who wrote/drew porn, who also were facinated by sex, was just so comforting. and like there many of us, kinky aces are known as a thing now. i didnt see that when in high school, i saw more abt how oh aces dont want sex, and aros dont want relationships, and actually its so progressive to not want these things that even if u want them, u should not want them as a way to rebel. maybe that was a single post and many didnt feel this way but this *was* a pretty popular blog or at least it felt like it! and it fucked me up a bit lol

the day i did see a post of someone mentioning the same thing of like "oh daydreaming sex between ur ocs is hot but thats bc ur not in the equation and thats the only way u enjoy sex" with a name for the identity.. lol there were plenty of shitty replies that just diminished it as "lol no one cares abt ur sex fantasies, like we all have those, its not a sexuality/indentity" misunderstanding the frustration of like what it feels like to be into that and then left confused by not being turned on by like porn and actual human beings and just in relation to urself

i dont go by that micro identity, i dont need it anymore but teen me did

so i guess i just have a lot of emotion and stuff abt micro identities and figuring those out and feeling like ur not alone

i do just say im queer or gay and ace/aro spec these days, and of course trans nonbiney and also just dont rly care that much

i very much agree that a lot of shit gets used as gatekeeping and also pitting ppl against each other.. but i rly cant help but feel like sometimes it feels dismissive of figuring out wtf is going on with urself even if thats prob, u kno, not the point at all

idk i think when ur identity is complex and u feel so weirdly out if the loop of the rest, it matters a lot for self discovery.. but i guess with a focus in just what we have in common.. like i guess a bunch of this shouldnt have mattered if the focus from the start was just "oh yeah im queer and thats chill" but also like how do u seperate it from a journey of discovery of urself? even something like are u bi or just gay, does it matter? maybe not but it probably will to u.

u kno, its also funny but i feel like— well first i chilled out of sexuality bc i got all explorational and ?? with gender so mumy focus shifted— but a huge part of what helped me sort of figure out shit further is... masturbation haha and like please understand, im still a somewhat sex repulsed ace who has also been a bit sex/smut obsessed. it used to not make much sense in my mind, now maybe its still just as complicated but also eh simple enough. im still a kinky and smut obsessed little weirdo?, and im still sex repulsed and probably still wont end up having sex with anyone, i even look away from ppl kissing bc i find it gross, but heyyyy i also fucking love to jerk off 😏 and its all just been... thanks sex toys! bc the thing is, i still find it kinda gross, but also not as much now.. and also i cant do anything without sex toys bc i guess they give that distance my brain needs? but basically figuring this out and coming to be able to enjoy my body has also quieted the part of my brain that kept being curious abt sex and fully unsure if i could ever have it. im still not fully sure bc i feel like i can still change but its made me understand a lot more abt myself.

theres also still a lot im ?? abt.. my mind abt top surgery swings so wildly from yes to no, even like thoughts of micro dosing t is like yes i'd like to but also i like what i look like as well?? and as a friend kinda laughed at me, im most nervous abt facial hair, something that is not that hrd to deal with but im just ,,shaving 😱 lik3 buddy i havnt even shaved anything in years! (tho i used to hate armpit hair.. tho mainly i guess society 🙄 and now im.. ok with it but also yeah u prob wont catch me wearing a not tshirt in the summer lol)

..this post has gone nowhere

uh im gonna post bc i spend too long typing even tho i got a headache (tho hey the ice pack has helped! thanks google) but we can pretend i never did lol

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cowardsanctuary · 5 years

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asexual people are great!!!!!!!!!!!!!! aroace power dude!!!!!!!!!! be yourself we will always stand with you!!!!!!!! 💚💚💚💚

you couldn’t be ANY more correct thank you SO much

#inanimate insanity #art #ii cheesy #humanization #mspaint #my art #mango's art #ask #tr45hy #the coward speaks #headcanon #yeah i hc cheesy as aro/ace tbh...#like. the idea of a one-sided trophy x cheesy is HILARIOUS to me but like!!! also!!!#local cheester not interested in romance and just wants to party #everyone is Bros...#i know the way i'm talking is like. kinda weird rn. idk. i just #care a lot abt my identity and the asexual identities #and honest to god sometimes love isn't reciprocated but the relationship didn't need to be romantic anyways #so that's all i have to say on that!

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closet-begone · 2 years

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I'm coming out as an asexual panromantic pangender roseboy! Is it a lot of labels? YES!! Am I also neurodivergent? YES!!! I am proud of who I am, and how far I've come, and I don't care about negative comments! I shall proudly swish my flowy pants, flash my it/its pronoun pin, and DANCE like the GAYEST GAY to EVER grace the Earth. Ɛ>

this is such a wholesome ask?? yes!!! you should have so much pride abt who you are, every part of your identity is incredible. ily anon, keep flying your flag high. we are all dancing w/ you in spirit.

-lepi

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77of76-moved · 3 years

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i remade lol dm if you want my new url

abt

sophie/red/kirby + more

20 (nov 14)

they/them + she/her + xe/xem/xyr + he/him if we're close + fae/faer + others (pronouny)

genderfluid (tme), bi, acespec

white

converting to judaism

physically disabled

osdd-1b system

other assorted mental illnesses i don't feel like listing for the world to see <3

i block liberally. if i dont like you i will block you. its that simple. some of my stances are under the cut tho. also dnf if you are under 15 and ask to follow if you're under 17

current interests include sailor moon, hermitcraft, terrain of magical expertise, eddsworld, metalocalypse, and many more!! i am cringe but i am free

please tag: sibling death, harm to cats/cats dying, dsmp stuff, christianity, the r slur, the umbrella academy, pokemon death, pokemon abuse (my catchall is "#kirby don(')t look" or "#sophie don(')t look")

please tag me in: frogs, jellyfish, space, trains, ships/boats (esp steamboats and old ships!), pkmn (esp team rocket), and any of my other hyperfixations/interests!!!

softblock to break mutuals please. like/reply if you read this or i will softblock you

i tag tws as "[trigger] tw" and "[trigger] ment". i do my best to tag common triggers, but i may not remember individual ones. if you need me to tag smth that i missed, please dm me or send me an ask

follow my polycule!! regal @zenithdesignofourage ashtree (we're matching) @78of76 violet @violetkatgrove mutt @muttculture they all mean the world to me okay?

also prev url miseryxcpr if you forgot who i was

aes blog | wall of text | last.fm \ header art credit /

anti-ship/i think fiction impacts reality even if it isnt a direct 1:1 because i paid attention in english class

sysmed/anti-endo*

i think the pansexual identity is rooted in biphobia but i also think a lot of people who identify as pan dont. necessarily know that so i dont care too much so long as youre not being biphobic otherwise

asexuality is real and also i'm acespec so

radical inclusion is inherently harmful and a lot of the things you think are good-faith that you're including are not in fact good faith

i think mogai identities generally dont hurt anyone tho. let people have fun w their identity and relationship to it

all mlm can reclaim the f slur and all wlw can reclaim the d slur and i reclaim both because i am both

idk i can't remember other discourse stances come ask me if you want to know smth not listed here

* did and osdd are traumagenic disorders, ergo it is not possible to be a system without trauma. i do believe there are other disorders that cause plurality and things similar, but there is not non-disordered plurality. i also believe that a lot of "endo" systems just have heavily repressed trauma (normal thing w traumagenic systems is repressed/locked away trauma)

#sophie speaks #pinned post

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aro-aizawa · 2 years

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I posted 10,574 times in 2021

396 posts created (4%)

10178 posts reblogged (96%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 25.7 posts.

I added 5,098 tags in 2021

#video - 1269 posts

#art - 1136 posts

#fave - 529 posts

#shut up danni - 440 posts

#cats - 437 posts

#actually me - 285 posts

#gif - 278 posts

#accurate - 249 posts

#ml - 239 posts

#atla - 236 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#also want a big dog that’s old so doesn’t need much exercise but loves cuddles and thinks they’re still a puppy so they clamber all over me

My Top Posts in 2021

sometimes i forget how a lot of my identity is tied up in danny phantom. like. completely unironically i would not be the person i am nowadays if i didn’t watch it as a kid growing up.

26 notes • Posted 2021-05-26 21:51:40 GMT

having adhd be like needing to tell someone abt this neat little thing that you did that’s literally pointless but you think it’s fun so you want to tell someone and have them agree and have a lil bit of happiness but it’s not big enough to bother someone out of the blue but you wanna make sure that someone reads it and interacts w it so you don’t really wanna put it out on tumblr to be ignored but the only other option left is letting the thing pass by w/o being told to anyone

36 notes • Posted 2021-01-18 15:53:59 GMT

do you ever just wish you could erase other ppl’s memory of you? like sure i went to school w the same sixty kids from age 5-11 but they’re not allowed to remember me anymore. i don’t care if they never think of me, the idea that any of them remembers who i was is enough to turn my stomach

40 notes • Posted 2021-01-28 15:49:23 GMT

@ everyone who missed out on funding the coral island kickstarter. PLEASE. consider actually buying the game when it comes out because!!!!

LOOK!!! CUSTOM HONORIFICS!!!!

80 notes • Posted 2021-04-30 17:12:55 GMT

// negativity tw

anyways i always get heavily mixed feelings during pride because on one hand, i’m very very prideful about my identity and will take absolutely any opportunity to talk about how very aromantic i am, or how ace i am, but on the other....it’s also where i feel the most isolated from the queer community.

like. it’s all about romantic love, it’s all about being comfortable and open about sexuality. neither of those things apply to me, and not to even mention that people will always. always. forget to mention aromantics and asexuals. maybe they’ll mention ace people very briefly, but they don’t celebrate it on the same scale as the rest of the “bigger” identities. they’ll be a pride post celebrating the main four, gay, lesbian, trans, bisexual, sometimes there’ll be a nonbinary flag there too. and then they’ll be an addition with the asexual flag and even rarer that addition will have the aro flag too.

aro and ace people are always thought of as an afterthought if they’re ever thought of before. and of course, i hate thinking about the negative of a time of celebration, but it’s. it’s hard. it’s hard and every time that i feel like i want to speak up i’ll get silenced or ignored hard by alloromantics and allosexuals. yes! be prideful about your own orientations but you do not have to step over us to do that??? we’re not trying to shove you into the closet. there’s a stage for pride, and you’re shoving us off it. there’s room for all of us, please just. acknowledge us.

224 notes • Posted 2021-06-02 01:33:36 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

#my 2021 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #yes i am completely surprised by my inability to shut the fuck up lol

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shouta-aizawow · 4 years

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1) Hope u are ok, i will let you this one here. Bakugou coming out as asexual-aromanitc, and having to explain to everyone what is it. (And if you want angst, people not believing him, that he's not grown enough to know, all that bullshit) Sorry is a little bit of proyection.

I’m doing well, thank you!!! And dw, I project HARDCORE and I also LOVE aroace Katsuki so it’s all good!! (i’m actually gonna project a bit in this one lol)

OKAY!!!

When the other kids were busy talking about crushes and who they were dating, Katsuki was focused on becoming a hero.

He had no time for romance, especially that sappy type he always sees on tv.

No, Katsuki was gonna become the greatest hero, and he would do that alone.

He never thought much of it. It didn’t seem unusual to him that he never had an interest in anyone else, that he couldn’t join in on conversations where the topic was romantic love or sexual attraction.

In fact, he felt smug when all the other extras were held down by girlfriends and boyfriends and datemates while he was forging on ahead. Seeing the confusion and awe on their faces when he told them that he had never been attracted to anyone was enough to erase the slight embarrassment he felt at not being able to relate to them.

Katsuki was invincible, unaffected by the curse that is romantic and sexual attraction, and he needs to let everybody know it.

(A few years later, at the tender age of 13, Katsuki finds he isn’t a superior being, he’s just aroace...

Well... okay then.)

He is aroace and still unaffected by the curse that is romantic and sexual attraction!

He didn’t really have friends to share his epiphany with, and the extras that followed him around were too dense to know what he was talking about to care. Besides, they’d probably just hear that he wasn’t attracted to girls and throw a fit.

Anyway, it’s not like he really wants to share this. No, this information is for Katsuki and Katsuki only.

But when he gets into UA, starts building a, admittedly reluctant at first, relationship with his classmates, the desire to tell them something he’s kept locked away grows.

It all comes to a head one night at the dorms. It’s a rare night of him hanging out in the common room with most of his other classmates.

Katsuki doesn’t know how the conversation steers this way, but the topic is now crushes. Some people are coming out, some people are just observing. Katsuki is becoming bored, and just as he gets up to leave, he’s noticed and asked, “Who do you have a crush on?”

He’s tempted to ignore the question, but surrounded by this open group of people that showed their support whenever someone revealed themself to be gay or bisexual or pan, he has the urge to let them know this part of him as well.

So he replies. “I don’t have one.”

“So who did you have a crush on?”

“Never had one either, Earjacks.”

Everyone becomes interested now.

Jirou looks skeptical, “It’s not weak to have a crush, yknow. If you don’t wanna tell us, fine, but to lie—”

“I ain’t lying, I’m aroace.”

There’s silent confusion, and Katsuki’s heartbeat thunders in his chest.

Someone asks what that is and, huffing, Katsuki tells them, “It means I don’t experience romantic, aro, or sexual, ace, attraction.”

They ignore his muttered “dumbasses” in favor of questioning him with a “You don’t, or you haven’t?”

“I just said I don’t. What are you on about?”

Kaminari then decides to speak up. “Dude, just give it time! You don’t know who you’re gonna meet that’ll knock you right off those stubborn feet of yours.” And he punctuates it with a wink.

Katsuki is getting annoyed.

“Okay, whatever. If that happens, that happens, but right now, it hasn’t. Therefore, I’m choosing the label aroace.”

Momo, with a finger on her chin and a contemplative expression on her face decides to voice, “But aren’t you acting a little hasty, Bakugou-kun? You shouldn’t use such a definitive label when you’re so young.”

Some people are voicing their agreement, and Katsuki feels like screaming, but he’s too busy being frozen in shock, looking at Momo with with the most incredulous look he could muster.

“What the actual fuck? How is me calling myself aroace any more ‘definitive’ than y’all calling yourself gay?” He can’t help the crack in his voice as he continues, “I’m genuinely confused.”

Before they could reply, Katsuki asks his own question with the most deadpan look he could offer:

“Do you ever wanna date a cat?”

There are exclamations of “No” and looks of bewilderment, but Katsuki continues, crossing his arms.

“Well I don’t think you should act so certain. I mean, maybe you haven’t met the right cat, yet.”

They’re telling him that that’s different, shouldn’t be used as an argument.

But then Kirishima perks up, and Katsuki feels dread consume him.

“Love, or don’t love I guess, who you... don’t... love, bro!”

And Katsuki feels hope bloom in his chest.

Only to have it crushed with his best friend’s next words.

“But we’re just trying to help you! We don’t want you to feel like you’re moving too fa—“

“Not only did I not ask for any help, but how is any of this helping me?!” Katsuki throws his arms in the air. “I came out to you guys, something we’ve been doing all evening, and you have the audacity to tell me I’m wrong?!”

He’s pacing now.

“Why the hell are you acting like I’m signing a death wish with my identity! You guys are the biggest fucking hypocrites, holy hell.”

Katsuki shakes his head and storms off, unwilling to be in that toxic situation any longer.

The next few days are met with guilt-ridden eyes from his classmates and the cold shoulder from him.

They don’t try to approach him, and for that, Katsuki is grateful, because he doesn’t know what he’d do if the people that rejected who he is tried to act like they did nothing wrong.

Yeah, maybe they weren’t being malicious, maybe it was just ignorance, but Katsuki is by no means obligated to forgive nor teach them. Until they pull their heads out of their asses and realize there’s a plus after LGBTQ for a reason, he’s perfectly fine with the distance.

OKAY SO TWO ENDINGS

1) The class that was there does their research and apologizes and are forgiven and whatnot (happy ending)

2) The class doesn’t do their research and just assumes that Katsuki doesn’t want to have sex or kiss anyone. They apologize, but the relationship is still tense with their ignorant comments and jokes. Katsuki is still hurt, especially when they start dating each other or other students, and he’s left to be the only one that values a strong friendship over romance. He feels left behind. (Angsty ending)

OR WAIT!!! ANOTHER ENDING!!!

3) The class doesn’t apologize or do their research, because they think Katsuki was making a big deal out of nothing. After those few weeks of the silent treatment, they try to approach him and act like everything is great.

Katsuki is angry and hurt, but eventually he finds comfort and very close friendships with Todoroki, Tokoyami, Shinsou, and Shoji. Not all of them are aroace, but they’re on the spectrum for one or both (bittersweet ending)

IM DONE!!! This honestly didn’t go the way I was thinking it would go, but I ain’t upset so it’s all good.

So ofc I projected with the being annoyed when people act like my sexuality isn’t a real thing (which is lots of ppl online and the classmates I told when they asked)

Also, that part about telling people that you’ve never had a crush and being smug when they’re like :0? Yeah, I used to do that until I was 13 when my older sib was like “yeah, you’re aroace” and I was like :0 “i saw that term in one fanfiction years back but i genuinely didn’t think abt it when i looked up to see what ‘ace’ meant but it fits perfectly”

So anyway, my sib also told me that what I was is Agender (which I knew abt but thought “that’s not me,,, right?” wrong) and I realized when they asked me if they could tell their friend my gender identity. I was confused like sure?? and then they said i was agender and their friend asked for my pronouns and i said i didn’t care

like,, i thought i was nb, but i wasn’t sure exactly what “type”(?) idk, but after that, i looked at the definition for agender that i didn’t understand before and was like :0 yep that’s me

ANYWAY YOU PROBABLY DIDNT WANT ALL OF THAT PERSONAL MUMBO JUMBO BUT THIS HC RELATES TO ME A LOT SO

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS 💖💗💕💞💝

#wow! asks!#bnha #boku no hero academia #mha #my hero academia #bakugou katsuki #bakugo katsuki #bakugou #aroace #aromantism #asexual #tw aphobia #but it’s due to ignorance #bakugou headcanons #bnha headcanons

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nonbinaryresource · 4 years

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ive been thinking abt this for a little while & have been needing to ask someone abt it. i am nb & have always considered myself trans but recently ive not been vibing with the trans label bc i am so sick of seeing ppl exclude & invalidate nb ppl. ik that i shouldnt stop doing smth just bc other ppl r being assholes but its so tiring to see ppl constantly say how u dont belong or arent valid. srry this is long & kinda rambly i just dont really know how to feel abt it

I will directly address your ask, but I’m going to start by telling you a story about my journey with identifying as asexual and queer.

When I was about 11, my friends suddenly started drooling over magazines and calling people hot, and I didn’t know what it was, but I knew I did not feel whatever it is my friends were feeling.

Until I was about 16/17, this part of me remained a mystery to me and to my friends. I never had crushes, I never found people hot, I never liked complimenting people physically, I was uncomfortable with sex on TV, and I didn’t even like platonic touch. Now my group of friends were all repressed and closeted queer folk, so I didn’t have to deal with “being left behind” as my friends dated. But the later we got into high school, the more my friends began discovering and exploring their sexualities. A freshman became a part of our friend group and was openly trans and gay. One friend came out as gay. Another as bi. They started commenting more and more about other’s looks and having crushes.

Still, there was nothing on my end. My friends used to think I was just being vague and secretive because this is what I tended to be like. I don’t think they’ve ever realized how much of it was that I truly didn’t know or understand what my lack of sexual feelings meant or that it could even mean anything. I used to just consider it a “nothingness” of myself. Until, by complete chance, I came across the term asexual. I immediately connected with it. It explained so much that I didn’t even know I needed explained.

I came out quickly after that and I was really excited and happy and proud to know who I was and what how I felt meant. My friends were great and supportive. My mom was a little ignorant but overall supportive. AVEN was great and a community for me. But if I tried to talk about it anywhere else online…

Well, the effects of how people treated me would fester for years. See, I came out as asexual before exclusionism (the specific movement of anti-aro and anti-ace erasure and gatekeeping from lgbt+ spaces) was a movement or a named thing. Yet exclusionist attitudes were exactly what I faced. My queer friends all completely accepted me as one of them and I helped co-run our school’s new GSA with the rest of them. But online, as a teen, I was facing 30+ year olds telling me I wasn’t queer and that I was just trying to seem special and that I needed to shut up about my asexuality and my experiences and that I wasn’t valid and that asexuality wasn’t a real thing and that even if asexuality was a real thing it wasn’t valid and it certainly didn’t matter.

I graduated high school and went to college and was no longer really in touch with my group of friends. I therefore completely cut myself off from any lgbt+/queer community, even though a friend invited me to join the college’s queer association. I stopped participating so much in online asexual spaces. I become wrapped up in other things.

A couple of years went by and a lot of things in my life changed. By chance, mod applications for a blog about aro and ace headcanons for a fandom I enjoyed came across my dash. I had extra time on my hands and thought I could help, so I applied and was accepted. This increased my exposure to the aspec community again and thrust me back in… just around the time exclusionism was becoming a specific and named movement of bigotry.

At the same time I resisted these ideals, I was also still hurt and unhealed from what I’d gone through as a teen. I internalized a lot of the hatred and gatekeeping. I was so hurt and so tired. I just wanted to be able to exist in peace. And people I considered myself one of were harassing me and dismissing even my biromanticism. So I struggled with my identity and my asexuality. I did not specifically become an exclusionist, but I turned my back on the lgbt+ community and spaces. I did not consider myself lgbt+ because I learned that doing so only brought pain and upset and made me feel alone and isolated. I didn’t speak a lot on exclusionism or inclusionism, but at some point I did make a plea to my fellow aspecs to just let the larger community go and be our own community and accept that maybe we could be straight. I did it out of desperation and hurt, wanting to stop feeling targeted and attacked and to stop seeing the fighting on my dash and in the tags. I just wanted us all to be happy and feel accepted and supported.

On that post, one wonderfully kind and patient person opened up a discussion with me, explaining their own hurts over exclusionism and being so damn exhausted of them and fellow aspecs being targeted and excluded and written out and not supported and feeling like they had to split their asexuality from their other queer identities and how being asexual was a part of them and how it had strongly shaped their experiences, especially with realizing and coming to terms with the other parts of their queer identity. And through their raw honesty I came to realize… I had never stopped to process the harassment I had faced and the pain and hurt that cut me so deeply.

It was a changing point for me. I realized that I had handled my pain in a bad way and had ended up lashing out at other aspecs instead of the people who were actually hurting me. I realized how much I had hurt myself and held myself back and cut myself down and dismissed parts of myself trying to fit into the box exclusionists had laid out for me, as if I could ever made them happy enough to stop harassing me and just let me exist. I cut myself down for them, but the truth is that exclusionists don’t just want aspecs “out” of the community. They want to hurt us. They want us to hurt. They want us to doubt ourselves. They want to feel strong and powerful, and they feel they can achieve this through bullying us. Perhaps some, like myself, are trying to appeal to their oppressors by pointing out another vulnerable group they could target more/instead. They are passing on hurt instead of standing up to it and so they are actually festering in hurt instead of changing anything.

Today, I am a staunch inclusionist. I understand myself and the issues aspecs face much better. I am a more compassionate person regarding the confusion and upset aros and aces have over their identity and their place in the world. I feel more stable and confident regarding my identity as an asexual - and now as an aromantic - queer person who is lgbt+.

But it was a long, hard, difficult journey to get here. It was full of a lot of turmoil. I wish I would have had a happier journey where I felt more supported and accepted, and I hope I can help provide more stability and support for future generations to not have to go through what I did.

My point (or one among a few, anyway) is that I deeply and personally understand how you are feeling and the decision facing you now. As someone who went through a very similar experience, my advice to you is to take care of yourself and to prioritize your mental health.

It’s okay if you can’t handle identifying as trans right now. Maybe you do need some space from the label (and definitely from the hatred and gatekeeping). Maybe you need to pull back from certain communities or blogs or discussions.

However, I will say that not identifying as trans may not bring the peace you desire. It may end up making you feel even more isolated. Not identifying as LGBT+ certainly didn’t help me. It was reactionary and it only made me feel like there were less spaces for me. That said, you may find peace in this. But I think the bigger action to take is to separate yourself from those who are saying harmful things more than to separate yourself from a label you feel really suits you. Use your block button liberally. Don’t force yourself to partake in spaces where gatekeeping is allowed or encouraged. Follow and listen to more people who are inclusive.

I think burnout like this is unfortunately pretty common. You do not have to force yourself to face this hatred or exhaustion because you think it’s the right thing to do. It’s okay to pull back and just take care of yourself. Just work on some self-care. Work on building up a community of people around you who don’t resort to bigotry and hatred and exorsexism and gatekeeping and identity policing. Engage only with what you can actually, honestly handle.

We will confront and move past this bigotry only by acting as a united front. The responsibility for improving things isn’t on any one person’s shoulders. And no one needs to be on the front lines 100% of the time, especially at the cost of their own wellbeing. Take care of yourself and rest now before you completely burn out and break down.

You do not have anything to prove, okay? I have both hope and faith that there is a lot more to your journey - a lot more good things and a lot more happiness and belonging. Take whatever time it is you need to help heal yourself and recover from the hurt and harassment that’s been plaguing you. You are important and you matter, much moreso than whatever label you use at whatever point in time. It will be okay.

I am here for you.

~Pluto

#mod pluto #validation #exorsexism #gatekeeping #exclusionism #long post #identity policing #self care #identity #coping #queer #lgbt #mod tera #anonymous #ask #answered #asked #nonbinary

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aroaceconfessions · 2 years

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rant below (internalize arophobia and acephobia pls beware)

i get self conscious a lot about my identity as an aroace especially these days where my family are always bringing up me having an s/o since my cousin is abt to be engaged and my brother is dating someone. the little nagging part of me wonders if im just faking it ,, and that i havent met “the one” or im just being delusional and wanting to fit in someplace that im not in order to cope. to cope with the fact that i “wont have the stereotypical life” everyone expects me to have. i know its just insecurities but i just want to “fit in” so badly and have that stereotypical family and husband so i dont have to spend the rest of my life hearing snide comments from society (ESPECIALLY MY FAMILY) about how i disappointed them or how they look down on my aunts for not marrying and having kids. i know i wouldnt be the happiest in a life like that, probably end up with some dude who i only like as a friend at most if im lucky,,,,, but a small part of me keeps wondering “when will i be an allo and experience what everyone else experiences so i dont have to face the nitpicking and condescending comments from parents.” atleast right now i can escape them by saying “oh i just wanna focus on school i dont care about love” but how am i gonna be able to keep that up when im older and their expectations are higher ,,,,

im trying my damn hardest to just live the life i want and be comfortable in my identity as an aroace but its so hard ,,, societal and parental expectations are so hard ,,,,,, there shouldnt even be anything wrong w aromantic or asexual identities in the first place i wish i could toss these feelings away.

-r

#aromantic #asexual #aroace #internalized aphobia #internalized arophobia #internalized acephobia

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zagorodnik · 4 years

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found something i had snoozed until 2022 and like

it was a post of me saying “hey discoursers im 13 and asexual what do you have to say about that”

and someone told me to screenshot it and look back on it in 5 years. so i guess that was my plan, but i discovered it 3 years later

looking back on it im not very :/ at the 13 and ace bc thats still a part of my identity i hold kinda close? even though i keep it hidden away bc um Internalized Aphobia Due To Discourse Baybee. that and also like if thats how i was comfy identifying, then sure. im the only one that’ll ever understand me.

im more :/ at the fact i was 13 and engaging in discourse that i knew was bad for me. like from about 12 (a few months after i joined tumblr initially) to 14 or so i was very um. i would seek out this kind of stuff well aware it would harm me and stuff because you know even people who are very confident in themselves get undermined eventually. frankly i dont think anyone should engage in the discourse bc its stupid but if you really want to then like please dont traumatize yourself lol dont do what i did as a kid

nowadays of course im very like chill about my identity and feel comfortable reclaiming slurs and those words dont rlly hurt me anymore u know. but there are still parts of my sexuality that i dont talk abt. like the way i explain it is in layers and some layers are more painful to talk abt (like the whole ace part)? idk at this point im rambling

tl;dr please dont engage in discourse at all but ESPECIALLY if youre like under 16 or so. arguing over the internet against people who wont change their opinion or validate you is... not a good habit to get into and will result in a lot of mental fuckshit even if you are careful

#poet.txt #ace discourse #this is ok 2 rb!

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lookwhatilost · 4 years

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i finished my second watch of bojack s6 p1 and here’s a predictably massive post of some thoughts/observations abt it

spoilers under the cut obviously

the “fuck” of the season definitely came in a moment that i didn’t expect, but i rly liked how it was used. like, it was a callback to when gina dropped it in the last season –– something that traumatized her vs a reaction to her PTSD symptoms. a lot of people seem unhappy w it but i think it’s more powerful than people are giving it credit for being

the gatsby reference in e3 rly brought to mind that there are, like, a lot of gatsby tie-ins w this show and i never rly pasted them together mentally bc of the ubiquity of the “rich guy is utterly depressed and alone” trope. like, the imagery related to the pool, the shallow parties, the yellow car, the spacious but empty house, the billboards staring him down as he drives when he’s hallucinating in s5. charlotte/daisy being a weak parallel in that he had feelings for her when they were younger, held onto them for years, only for her to be married when they reconnect, but it’s worth mentioning that the glow stick balloons were green.

someone on reddit pointed out that jameson’s baby in e1 had physical traits associated w fetal alcohol syndrome. like, short, upturned nose, eyes that are far apart, and low ears. it’s hard to say if it’s intentional, but he’s drawn w a lot more detail than a lot of the other babies i’ve seen in the show. if it’s purposeful, like, that’s amazing attention to detail

i liked how the season opened on a planetarium flashback, because honestly, the immediate aftermath of sarah lynn’s death is definitely kind of glossed over in s3 when it initially happens. and though i suppose the added information isn’t terribly surprising (like him lying abt the events that lead up to her overdose and minimizing his own role in it as much as possible), it did make me wonder why i hadn’t thought abt it before

bojack rly does show signs of serious growth in the 6th season and it’s cool to finally see him move forward w/o simultaneously backsliding in other ways. a lot of his good actions in previous seasons were only rly things that benefitted him. and there are a lot of examples of it, but i think the one that stuck out to me the most was w his therapist. when he fell off the wagon, it’d have been rly easy for bojack to look the other direction and walk away like we’ve seen him do before. realistically, he has no real incentive to care for doctor champ’s wellbeing if he’s no longer staying at pastiches, but he checks him into rehab anyway, and when doctor champ throws his insecurities in his face to be hurtful, he immediately identifies it for the petty jab it is instead of letting it fuel his negative thoughts and using it as an excuse to dive into self-destructive behavior. honestly e6 was the emotional high water mark of part 1, even though it wasn’t the kind of gut punch that the dramatic, narrative focused episodes of bojack tend to be

i’m glad that the writers finally /did/ something w todd that made him feel like an actual character instead of jst a device for the comedy part of the show. i used to watch this show w a friend and we always used to say that todd had very little depth given the amount of screen time he occupies and seeing them move away from that was refreshing. his struggle w jorge is very relatable as someone whose parents have always pushed me towards things i didn’t sincerely want based on their expectations and desires for me vs my actual opinions of what success and happiness would look like for myself. but, on the other side of the coin, there’s finally a little bit of confrontation of the fact that todd’s erratic behavior and shenanigans are very taxing things for people who care abt him to deal w. and todd is rly the only character who’s somehow defied the show’s formula in that he never faces accountability for the things he does. like, he’s enabled PB’s impulsivity many times and drove him to bankruptcy, care of PB Livin’, and it’s a detail in the show that’s never truly been acknowledged or talked abt at all. he fucked PC over when he wouldn’t follow through w his sham marriage to courtney, and it was met w a cheesy speech from her abt how he needs to follow his heart and do what he thinks is right. it always struck me as a weird oversight, and to finally see someone take him to task for how taxing his behavior can be was refreshing. his only other “depth” was the asexual stuff and honestly? that is stupid and does not actually count for anything

if it didnt warm your heart when PC named her daughter ruthie then you dnt have one. i wasn’t as invested in her narrative as i’d have liked to be, but its good when PC is happy and that’s what everyone wants

IM SO GLAD JUDAH IS BACK. also i still hope he and PC end up together (and maybe she has a viable pregnancy this time w him a la sex and the city charlotte but that’s a little too cornball sappy for this show). generally rly enjoyed how characters from previous seasons were incorporated this time around. but i dnt want them to bring back vincent adultman jst to spite everyone who’s always saying “bring back vincent adultman”

pickles is still my least favorite character even tho the surprise wedding episode was probably the one i found the funniest. realistically i wanna see things work out for PB but his relationship w her is obviously not the move for him, and she’s also the worst

i like diane and guy together, they have rly good chemistry but i also have a bad feeling abt where things are headed w them. he seems ambivalent abt how principled she is and the scene where his son comes to the party and he makes her leave when he could have jst introduced her as a party guest if it even needed to happen at all... there was jst something off abt it. like you can definitely see the cracks in the foundation already and it’s disappointing

the scene btwn PB and bojack where bojack says to him “but i understand that feeling of needing to bottle up your guilt, not burden other people w it. you think you’re protecting them from your toxicity, you convince yourself that you’re being selfless, but it comes out in other ways and it infects everything” hit close to home bc it reminded me of someone i used to bond over this show w and like... whew

i rly love how the dominoes are being set up w the reporters (even tho their his girl friday shtick got old fast) bc the way things are culminating, the story getting out is liable to expose bojack for everything. if they approach penny and she talks to them abt what happened, she’s liable to tell them that bojack and sarah lynn went to ohio to find her in the time before sarah lynn overdosed, and the pictures that her classmates took of them could establish a time frame. he was in new mexico when he was supposed to be filming secretariat, and that knowledge could lead to them finding out that he’d been digitally replaced in the movie. when this information gets out, it’s very likely that gina will dogpile onto it w the truth abt what happened on the set of philbert, since trying to conceal her ptsd is actively hurting her acting career bc of the reputation she’s developing as a problem actress, and even though she dznt *want* to be “that girl that got choked by bojack horseman”, she won’t have a choice if she can’t get jobs otherwise. i guess there’s always a chance that penny and charlotte won’t talk to them, but now that hollyhock knows about what happened in new mexico, either way his personal life will be hurt by this. i’m not sure what’ll happen to him professionally, since there’s a recurring point the series has been making w famous people never being held fully culpable for their negative actions, and it’s a dicey thing for them to approach w a character that many viewers find sympathetic without ending on some myopic note abt cancel culture (whether intentionally or by popular interpretation) but im excited

i also hate how my obsessive watching and rewatching of this show meant that the intended pete repeat reveal (like, you’re not supposed to recognize him until his identity becomes obvious through the prom night story) was sort of compromised for me bc i recognized his voice and the second he introduced himself, i placed him IMMEDIATELY but it was still such a great scene. it’s the most tense i remember feeling when watching and an all around great cliffhanger

the final line of e7 comes off as some rly grim foreshadowing–– “it looks like you found solace in our show. stay if you’d like. in 30 minutes, we start over”. but it’s such an incredible line in context. my god, i fucking love this show, you guys

#i might add more to this later but for now

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duckseamail · 3 years

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just talked abt my sexuality with my therapist. (the rest under the cut cuz idk if ppl would be interested in reading abt this lol. it’s mostly just me thinking some of my thoughts “out loud” if you will.)

there was a thing where I watched the movie Booksmart a couple weeks ago and i needed to talk to her abt it but she was moving so I had to wait till now to see her again. Basically Booksmart made me incredibly anxious and uncomfortable bc of all the sex stuff (though i guess it’s not actually a lot), but I couldn’t stop watching it cuz my friends wanted to watch it the night before their graduation since that’s when the movie takes place. I remember the movie had actually been recommended to me before and I started watching it but I abandoned ship part way through lol.

anyway, talking with her helped lots of the stress go away. Cuz i was extremely sex repulsed by Booksmart to a degree I’d never felt before (cuz I’ve never thought of myself as being repulsed before cuz I don’t care about sex that much and it doesn’t bother me in books and the like) and I don’t talk abt my sexuality with my therapist cuz that seems kinda awkward (and this was an awkward but good conversation) but she was like do you ever feel like anything about demisexuality/asexuality resonates with you? (I didn’t tell her that i kind of knew i’m on the ace spectrum for a while now cuz again. Seemed sort of awkward. but it made me so happy that she brought it up)

anyway, i’m feeling super awesome rn and I’m glad my therapist is supportive even if I dont usually talk abt my identity

#asexuality #lgbtq+#duck's email

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lizzieraindrops · 7 years

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sally grissom

part of advanced PLACEMENT: an ars PARADOXICA high school au about a gang of queer teen nerds, by @estherroberts , @podcastmecaptain , and @lizzieraindrops

all three of the aformentioned dorks are responsible for the hijinks found in this post. @lizzieraindrops especially for this one

click here for the au masterpost | track #ars placement for updates! ALSO: things aren’t always showing up in the tags, so your most reliable bet is the aforementioned masterpost.

this is one of many individualized advanced PLACEMENT works, for stories of each character involved. we each wrote the story that we each post, with input from the others.

IMPORTANT NOTE: sally is deliberately written as aroace (aromantic and asexual) for the purposes of this au, but this particular individual representation of this orientation may not look quite like what you’re expecting. please see the separate post i made discussing why that is for further information.

sally grissom grew up on a farm in iowa in a town even smaller than point-of-exile, trying to construct rube goldberg machines out of cornstalks and accidentally starting more than one crop circle conspiracy theory

she got moved up a grade way back in second because she’s really bright, so not only is she Younger than everyone, she is even Smoller

literally always the scrawniest tiniest in class

she didn’t really get along with most of the kids, they thought she was weird and tended to ignore her

which was not fun but still preferable to active bullying, although she wonders sometimes if the only reason it didn’t escalate was because she was good at keeping to herself and out of the way

she actually enjoys her own company over that of most people, but she definitely gets lonely, too

but there was one girl who actually asked sally why she was eating raisins on tortilla chips instead of laughing at her

and actually tried the raisin-laden chip sally offered her and pronounced it “not bad,” even though she never tried it again

she became sally’s absolute best friend

and sally felt like she had everything she really needed

tiny sally never really thought much about boys, or girls, or dating, or anything

she’s always been more preoccupied by just existing. it’s a complicated but exciting business, existence, even and perhaps especially when you’re small, and just look at all the other things that be out here existing in the world, it’s incredible

science and especially the field of physics appealed to her from a very young age, because at heart and in the right hands, it’s the pursuit of understanding, tiny piece by tiny piece, how the existing world works at a very deep level, and she finds that incredibly satisfying

she’s always been pretty happy and fulfilled by just bopping along doing her own thing as she moves through the world

but she got increasingly uneasy as she got older and everyone around her started obsessing about things she found relatively uninteresting compared to the miracles of the workings of the universe, and looked at her like there was something wrong with her when she said so

eventually she learned to deflect attention when people asked who she had a crush on or who she thought was cute

because she didn’t have an answer, and she knew that not having an answer was the Wrong answer, because it’s a witch hunt question. if you don't answer it Properly, you're hiding something, and your accuser definitely knows what it is better than you do

she just wanted to tinker with her projects and learn about the world and spend her time with her best friend who was so near and dear to her, why was everyone talking about kissing and sex and ??? expecting her to Do something about it, whether she wanted to or not

“why on earth would i want to kiss a boy when i could be hanging out with you and wiring more LEDs onto my halloween costume. I’m gonna look badass this year”

this friend, she was sally’s everything, and that was never a problem

until everything and everyone changed around her

(even her)

(long before she lost her, sally knew she was losing her to whatever inexorable forces were changing everything and she could neither understand it nor stop it)

and then, sally had to move to colorado the summer before 8th grade, relocating for one of her parents’ jobs

and everything was gone

no; sally was gone. and she wasn’t going to be able to go back.

she was dropped into the point-of-exile school system just too late to get to know the current batch of junior high kids, and too early to make a fresh start of it going into high school along with everyone else

and then, of course, she had to have an identity crisis right then, on top of the stress of relocation

sally had to really rethink things after The Move, because although she tried so hard to maintain contact, she lost touch with her best friend, and it shattered her heart. and she knew she wasn’t Supposed to have this much of a broken heart over something like that, but that didn’t make the shards any smoother. actually, it only made it hurt worse, because she didn’t feel like she could tell anyone

she had to wonder, was she actually gay? had she been in love with her the whole time without knowing? sally might not Get people a lot of the time, but she knew that girls were only supposed to feel like this about boys they wanted to kiss, not their best friends. was this what people meant about crushes and all?? but she didn’t want any of that gross romantic stuff, either. was she just lonely? or did classic hyperfocus sally just plain care too much? she didn’t know. she didn’t know.

this prompted a whole lot of questioning and self-exploration

she spent much of her time online, at first, when she got to colorado

like, more than usual

sally has always been a meme trash internet junkie

she stayed in her little bedroom with the blinds half-shuttered until she started finding words that made sense

she learned that asexuality was a Thing and identified strongly with it right off the bat and has never looked back

aromanticism also made a Lot of sense to her and she knows she’s somewhere (enthusiastic handwavey gestures) there on that spectrum, too

she also learned a lot about other LGBT stuff during this intensive research period because parts of that Also made sense

the jury’s still out on whether she was gay for her friend or not, and probably always will be, but that’s okay

because she started realizing that it was okay for the the most important relationships in her life to Not look like what people expected them to, and that she could do anything she wanted to and didn’t have to do anything she didn't

and at some point during the summer before she starts high school, esther roberts walked up to her with a slightly manic grin, looking like she was gonna befriend her or die trying

sallys instinct when esther marches up to her is to ignore and avoid, but esther is a sharp girl whose opening move is to compliment the star trek t-shirt that you can barely see under sally's oversized flannel

(sally loves overlarge floppy clothes)

because of that sally decides to give her a chance

even though she’d really just like to be left alone to try and sort herself out

anyway, sally ends up getting dragged to lunch with her and jack and anthony

and anthony’s like “for heaven’s sake esther will you stop strongarming random strangers into coming to lunch with you, i bet she doesn’t even know trigonometry”

and sally's like “fuck you i’m going straight into calculus in the fall”

and anthony perks up his ears and is like !!!!!!! friend!!!!!!!!!! MATH FRIEND!!!!!!!!!!

and esther’s like “she looked like a nerd, i thought she might like to hang out with you losers”

and jack’s like “hey!!” but anthony doesn’t even notice bc he’s already started talking to sally about math

and slowly, sally realizes how not-straight all her new friends are and she just. feels so comfortable, without so many expectations

sally and esther have a special Bond abt queer stuff. it’s harder for sally to talk about things like that with anthony even though he becomes her best friend in the whole world

(perhaps because he’s her best friend in the whole world, and she has trouble reconciling her current reality with the old sally grissom who had never lost one)

for a long, long time, esther is the Only person who knows about the girl from iowa

because esther’s a girl who likes girls and it’s a lot less scary to tell her that sally might-have-liked-a-girl-once but isn’t sure and may never be

and she cries because she wants definitive answers, she wants something that makes sense, but this time she may never get it. this, she, is an experiment that will probably never have enough data to draw any kind of conclusion.

but esther tells her it’s okay either way. it’s okay if she did and it’s okay if she didn’t.

and sally gradually realizes it’s okay to be uncertain. it’s okay to exist blurred across the lines of what people expect and outside the boxes of what makes sense. hell, maybe it’s okay for what’s outside the boxes to make more sense than what’s in them. isn’t heisenberg’s uncertainty principle necessary to understanding quantum mechanics?

and slowly,

slowly

that old wound finally starts healing, though it leaves a scar

and the question becomes less and less pressing, with time

later, in high school, sally and esther meet down by the garden shed at school whenever they need to Talk about things

nothing calms sally down like the feeling of sitting down cross-legged on a solid-but-squishy spare bag of Miracle Gro

once, someone started teasing about them going to the shed to mess around and sally kicked a watering can in frustration and accidentally sent it through a window and got detention for destroying school property

but esther ended up in detention with her because she chased down whoever was making fun of them

and kicked their ass

sally runs back into the shed because of the double embarrassment of the accusation and the watering can mishap

(esther later teases sally kindly with jokes about going back into the closet/shed)

one time the science beans are chilling in the lab one afternoon and jack and esther are playing dilemma at the bench next to anthony, who is finishing up his lab writeup

quentin is dozing on the couch with an open manila folder over his face

sally is somehow sitting cross-legged on a lab stool, eating her way through a tin of anchovies that she’s individually wrapping in steamed spinach and then devouring with gusto

and jack is sure he’s about to beat esther at cards but she suddenly pulls the rug out from under him with an unexpected play and beats him

“goddamit esther, how do you always do this, do you keep a fricken ace up your sleeve just to fuck with me”

and esther just makes three seconds’ worth of eye contact with sally in dead silence, not moving because if she moves she’ll start laughing

and sally, who has been agonizing over coming out to the rest of the gang as ace for awhile now but hasn’t been able to figure out how to do it,

suddenly blurts “i don’t wanna be in anyone’s pants OR sleeves”

esther fucking loses it

quentin peers out from under his folder, bemused as to why the two girls are laughing their asses off

once she stops cackling, sally really awkwardly gives ace and aro 101 explanations with help from esther

quentin’s the only one who’s already familiar with asexuality and aromanticism already and he perks up because hey! i know this!

but they all take it really well

jack’s like “wow yeah, that really sounds like you”

anthony notices that sally’s fidgeting and stimming way more than usual and says “oh, sally, you were really nervous about this, weren’t you”

she just kinda nods, not looking at anyone and rocking a little on her stool

“come here, you”

he goes and wraps her in a great big soft bear hug and she nuzzles against him

“it’s okay, you’re okay, you’re good, we love you, i love you”

sally’s definitely sniffling a little

at one point during her junior year, sally finds herself dozing off in a pile on the couch between anthony and esther toward the end of a movie night. she briefly wakes up all the way and freaks out a little because this is, so intimate

and she’s used to people expecting that to mean something More that she doesn’t and something Less than she does

but then

she realizes

that it’s okay if she loves her friends more than anything else in the world, and it's okay if it's a little weird, and it's okay if other people don't get how that works and how powerful it is, because her people get it

she's not too much; she's not too little

she sighs snuggles down into the pile and passes the fuck out, because that realization drew a lot of poison out of her

and she sleeps

and for the first time in a long time, she feels safe not only with her friends, but with her self.

#ars PLACEMENT #ars paradoxica #sally grissom #lizzie taking up space #lizzie's adventures in writing

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