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#cause it makes me so happy to think about

yeah im emo keep scrolling

#tw: suicide, #negative, #holly.txt, #why is it always the small shit that gets me lol, #im currently crying over a kpop photocard binder and i dont fucking know why THAT of all things is what broke me hnskdjshndf, #im crying cause it rly was the final nail in this coffin i put myself in yknow? my friend offered to get me one and i said no, #just straight up lied to them and said no when in reality i would like one, #made me realize that im never truly gonna be kind to myself, #i never give myself what i want and even when i do i feel guilty the whole time, #i just... idk i wish i would let myself live easier and be happier, #i dont know why i spend all this time making myself miserable but im so tired of it i wish it would end, #but i cant stop i just cant do it i keep lying about what i want and literally depriving myself of happiness for fucking what, #this just made me realize that i am truly going to kill myself... like its real to me now i know its going to happen, #and i think thats what im truly sad about because that fucking sucks honestly, #i wish there was more for me but i just wont let myself have it i wont let myself get help yknow?, #i wont let myself be saved.. and i just now realized it lol, #i wish i was kinder to myself i wish i made my own life easier but i cant, #maybe thats bc of lack of trying on my part but.., #idk im not looking forward to committing ? but i just dont know what else there is to do i cant keep living like this, #i dont even know how to end this post im just so sad and alone and angry at myself for making me go through this, #i wish i knew if it all turns out okay
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Ya know what’s great? One of the only reason i go outside is because when I go to check the PO box there’s this cat that lives on my street, she’s a grey calico with green eyes and she’s legit the cutest

Well I LOVE cats and so when I go out she’s usually out so I sit on the curb for HOURS and pet her and cuddle with her and ya know what? The amount of serotonin it gives me is godly.

Ya know what’s better? My grandma has like 13 (thats a low estimate btw) outside cats that are mostly super Afeconate and loveing, and the ones that arnt warm up to people if they see em enough! She also lives in the country so no people!! So I can sit outside, alone and comfy with 13ish cats who love me. It’s heaven. And my grandma in true grandma fashion has lots of snacks! It’s literally the best

My other grandma has cats to! And they love me! One is super fluffy and one is a absolute chonk. They also have a bluenose pit who is an absolute UNIT of a big ole good boy, he’s such a sweetheart 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥰

My grandma’s are great and I love visiting. I’m also 6'0 and they are like 5'2 little old lady’s so I have to bend down to hug em and I just akansjaksbsks I miss them so much rn

Gah I have so many stories that are fun so I might just info dump tonight

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love how i was told my whole life that taking pleasure in “the little things” and “stopping to smell the roses” are noble and praiseworthy qualities and now, at a time when the little things are kind of all i have, the same people who’ve been telling me I should appreciate those little things my whole life are somehow both jealous and dismissive when I’m able to find genuine happiness in like a nice meal or an afternoon spent listening to music I like. if i express any upset or dissatisfaction or…. grief about our current situation I’m being “too negative” or “giving in to hopelessness” and “some people have it worse” but if I successfully make the best of a bad situation by finding pleasant ways to occupy my times that don’t put myself or anyone else at risk then I’m “not taking things seriously” or “becoming complacent” or “unfortunately not everyone is as easy to please” as I am. okay but how is that my fault? if I could somehow change the circumstances and personalities of everyone in the world in such a way to allow them to feel content with a good novel or album and something good to eat i would but I don’t have that kind of power, and if i did I wouldn’t I just, you know, end disease and social inequality and bigotry and climate change and suffering in general….? I am only a person! a person who tries to help people whenever they can and take happiness wherever they can get it to avoid falling into the pit of despair. literally what do you want from me at this point

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