#cause it’s still 2 weeks away

[lemon-wedges]

Its been a while since I updated this little project but heres the dealio. I got "mysteriously" sick for the last 2 months and it kinda halted my work on getting this thing physically printed. BUT IM BACK and ready to start this up again. I'm really hoping i get everything done by Jan. or very latest feb (mostly anticipating for holiday slow down)

In the meantime i got a few questions on my interest check asking if i would offer a digital version of the zine. and the answer 2 months late is YES I WILL YOU CAN GET IT NOW ACTUALLY ON MY GUMROAD OR KO-FI HURRRAYYYYYY!!!! 🥳🥳 GO CHECK IT OUT ITS $3

GUMROAD | KO-FI

#the art of a lemon wedge #homumiko #baroryuu #otasune #feel like a fucking #victorian woman in a novel the way i got sick for no reason those months #vertigo. brain fog. parts of my body would go tingley. and for 2-3 hours at a random time of the day my entire body would just feel BAD #idk else how to describe it cause it was not pain #i could not predict what would trigger those 2-3 hours of BAD and it seemed to change every day #and then some days i wouldnt get them but i would still get vertigo and brain fog whenever i would go to bed #anyways #IT WAS THE WATER #STUPID LA WATER BLEH BLEH #I WENT TO TEXAS TO VISIT FAM FOR A WEEK AND ALL MY SYMPTOMS WENT AWAY #-_- #and now im on a strict distilled/purified bottle water diet #i cant even eat food thats been boiled in whatever the hell gets put into the gallons at the store.....sigh #BUT IM BETTER #and ready to get back into it #:D

[fuckingstupidbracket]

like a regular bin, not even recycled or anything

#poll #okay so uh #dont read the tags ahead unless you care about my little vent #my mom got me a hoodie in December from shein #even tho i had two very similar hoodies already both from better brands #still fast fashion but not as fast #and one of them was modded by me #but the hoodie was fucking soft and comfy and good length so it quickly became my favourite hoodie #according to my mother tho after a month she started complaining that it's ugly. #it had those little balls idk what they're called but #1 i don't fucking care #2 they're removable #so anyway fot the past week or two shes been complaining every time i wore the hoodie and today she screamed at me and threw it in the trash #she also kicked me but thats unrelated #and like even if she bought me a new identical one that wouldn't help at all cause she still threw my stuff in the trasg #and bought from a company that goes against my values #and she keeps excusing it like “its cheaper” #im sorry but buying one good thing and wearing it too death is cheaper than buying a hundred things you throw away after less than 3 months #so fucking sick of this!!!!!!!! #i have more than enough clothes too and am currently trying to get rid of some #BUT NOT LIKE THAT WHAT THE FUCK #btw my vinted is dupiarz it's mostly stuff from 2017-2020 so not really trendy but maybe youd like something #the pnly clothing i dont bother repairing and just throw out is underwear #but i do fix socks because good socks are good socks

[brittlebutch]

it's actually so fascinating to me that Brennan has created a character that maintains a pretty relaxed and mild-mannered demeanor and has said multiple times that the absolute Core of her is "FEAR" and how often we see this Fear manifest specifically in Avoidance; it really nails a relationship to that mentality where your brain fully Stops recognizing the emotion properly out of like, sheer self-defense from the stress of having to carry it all the time

I think this is also perfectly showcased in the way we tend to see Tula swing so suddenly from 'level and steady' to 'snarling Panic' and then back again - Just because your brain has detached itself from the Conscious Recognition of the emotion doesn't mean it can Actually stop itself from experiencing it. So the Fear is always there and always acting as a stressor, but because of that inability to Identify it there's no way to recognize or address it before that final straw hits and your bodymind jumps Straight into Full Meltdown Mode; but then once again, once you drop even a Little bit below that Peak Terror your brain ceases to process the emotion; it's like the most exhausting form of Poor Object Permanence in the world

And even if Tula is aware of this happening to her, that doesn't really make it any easier to deal with / address. Even if you're able to spot the symptoms Around the emotion -- chest pain, irritation, nausea, whatever -- because the Emotion Itself is basically impossible to find, you can't really Successfully Pin Down what the problem is OR a way to cope with it. If you can't figure out That You Are Anxious, then figuring out What Is Making You Anxious is impossible, which makes Find A Way To Make Peace With That incomprehensible. That's where the Avoidance comes in: you can no longer identify what might be a Dangerous Situation, which means that Anything New has a big potential to be Really Bad in a variety of ways (ranging "I don't Feel Good" to "Fully Lashing Out bc you've entered Fight/Flight and can't get out of it" to "Actual Outside Danger This Time") and that means the Only Way you know how to be Safe is to just Avoid Doing Anything New and Only stick to Familiar Situations, because anything unfamiliar is a monster of a gamble you don't know how to prepare for or cope with

#N posts stuff #one could argue ‘we see tula worry a lot tho’ but that’s bc Worry is an Action that can occur Separately from Recognizing Anxiety #now that I know tumblr will put a hard cap on your tags w/o telling you i'm resigning myself to posting rambling meta in post body #but i'm not happy about it; anyway i love how often life is full of Coincidences bc this is something I've Finally identified in myself #like. This Month. like this is brand new articulation for some of the problems i have in life; again knowing this doesn't help lmao #bc even when you know to look Around the shape of the emotion - like 'oh my face is Snarling rn. i'm probably experiencing Something' #like i said bc you don't know What that something is OR What might have caused it then the only solution you Ever get to come up with #is just 'fully retreat and go calm down somewhere else' which INVARIABLY means that you will wind up in that same situation again #and Still have no idea how to handle it bc you never could figure out what caused it so you don't know how to handle it any better than #'fully retreat and go calm down somewhere else'; so 'be somewhere else' is the ONLY way you can ever think to Help it #which usually invariably turns into 'Just Avoid Fucking Everything just in case'; which doesn't work! bc life doesn't let you do that #so then it's just a cycle of falling into the same pitfalls and feeling miserable all the time; gotta love it :) #if you're like me this also gives you Bad Bad Bad Memory bc your brain will Promptly hide evidence of Scary Situation instinctively #like 3 weeks ago this dude ran a red light and almost t-boned me Full Speed & managed to stop like. maybe 3 feet away. #and i like. Startled Laughed and said 'that was scary' and then within 30 seconds i had Fully Forgotten it happened & only remembered #like 2 days ago. Ha! believe it or not this Does Not Help with 'How can I Address the Problem instead of Avoiding It Entirely?' #dimension 20 #d20: stupendous stoats #tula #d20lb

[themanwhowouldbefruit]

my doctor was sooooo fucking worthless and unhelpful im going to masturbate and i hope it fucking kills me

#“no need for follow up” #“yeah you did have several cysts we scrapped off your remaining ovary but. dw about it. idk why they were there. dw about it. oh also your #ovary on that side was freakishly huge but. dw about it. it might go away. dw about it #*doctor shrug emoji* “ #“go see a gyno next year maybe. but not me im too important for that. go find and onboard a gyno to your situation. next year maybe idk lol” #he barely even looked at my incision like #this fucking appointment could have been an email. or a phone call. or they just could have let me start driving again. also i forgot to ask #if i can stop drinking ensure now or after the 6 weeks? cause that shit cost $$$$. but he probably would have been super unhelpful if i had #fr fr this guy only wanted to give me the time of day when he thought i might have fun cancer inside and now he's like gtfo!!!! get your #fugly cancerless ass out of here!!!! recover from a major surgery on your own you swagless cancerless loser 🤣 we arent helping your #swagless ass!!! #anyway it seems weird and fucked up that im was never offered to see a physical therapist and i guess am going to have to blindly trust my #abs they sliced thru are healing or whatever and to rawdog my own physical recovery of my muscles? even just dumb shit like. my center of #gravity has drastically changed since the mass removal and my back hurts like shit all the time because all my posture muscles were built up #for when i had an extra 30 pounds of cyst hanging in the front and my posture and walking reflected that. and i lowkey don't know how #hard i am able to be with my healing incision because its really tight and makes me hunch forwards still. like i would really like to know #how much i can safely or maybe should be forcing my skin and incision to stretch. without damage? is that crazy #am i crazy??? #this shit is why i didnt see a doctor for 2 years until my problems had snowballed into a 30 pounds ovarian cyst that was crushing my other #organs and had one of my kidneys all backed up with piss. and even getting emergency treatment for it everyone was like. how did you like it #get this bad?? how could you not know you needed to seek medical treatment???? like. bro. seeking medical treatment isnt even a guarantee to #get medical treatment. #anyway he said my “remaining ovary seemed low key polycystic but dw about it. don't quote me on that im not dealing with it.” #bro i dont want to doctor google it i wanted an actual doctor to deal with it. fuck you. #like. maybe even a doctor who knows my situation so i dont have to struggle with getting someone to believe me and take me seriously. #but whatever. back to trying to figure out the daily protein and extra calories my body needs for recovery via doctor google i guess. #its fine 🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬

[desperatepleasures]

urge to sleep on the floor rising...

#curbed only by 1) i already rolled up my yoga mat and put it away #and 2) my floor is SO dusty it's rly bad you guys #MAYBE THAT WILL GET ME TO CLEAN MY ROOM FINALLY. I CAN HAVE A FLOORSLEEP!!! #sigh i put all my Cleaning Spoons into the bathroom for the past ??? and still I've only managed to maintain parts of the bathroom clean #it is getting a little better every week though. i know it'll take time #but i should give more attention to my bedroom maybe cause i mean. it's My Room!! i deserve a clean room!! and yet.

[tittyinfinity]

. Aaaaaaaa

#i got on birth control to fix the issues thst getting my tubes tied caused. #i am having a second fucking period this month after i had one for over a week and only went away for 2-3 days #last time i was on this birth control i had no period at all #im like no fucking wonder i feel so weird and emotional and all over the fuckin place still #fuck #.bdr #.bdo

[8-worms-in-a-trenchcoat]

am i avoiding finishing my animatic by scrolling through the dungeons and daddies tag? maybe

do i feel bad about it? also maybe

#i’ve been working on it for like a week now #(not actually cause i’ve had my actual job in between but still) #i’m procrastinating cause i’m like 2 minutes away from finishing the song but i just hhhhg #by the time i finish it i’ll have seen all the posts ever #dungeons and daddies #dndads

[sunsetcowboy]

Nothing makes me feel like I'm getting older than straining or maybe tearing my fucking quadriceps tendon while trying climbing into bed🥲

#my birthday is a month away and my body needed to remind me. #felt extreme pain unlike I've ever felt before above my knee and was like 'well that hurt like hell but im probably fine' like an idiot #my sister had to get me a bag of ice cause i couldn't move #im still in a lot of pain and this was 2 nights ago #rin posting💌 #week from hell I'll tell ya. so many bad things keep happening. im at my limit🙃 #anyway fck this im gonna go draw p*rn. ugh #edit: not my p atellar

[fantabulisticity]

Just screamed so loud in my car that both my ears rang and a spider fell from the ceiling. My throat hurts.

#my pharmacy won't fill my meds AGAIN because some motherfucker decided to make a new policy that requires more instructions or something #i keep not getting my meds when I need them because every time i get a new script sent out (like one I haven't been on before) i hear... #...nothing back from the pharmacy; generally for days; and then when i call them (every 10 or 15 or 30 minutes for several hours) no... #...one picks up the goddamn phone and i have to make time to go in in person and ask the pharmacist when my meds will be ready. #and then they tell me 'oh yeah we HAVE the script from your doctor. we just need MORE INFORMATION and sent them an ELECTRONIC NOTE... #...(reminder that i live in fucking rural idaho so most people use a fucking phone and not 'an electronic note') and haven't heard back... #...from them yet so we're just waiting on that :)' and then i have to smile and thank them bc it isn't their fucking fault the policy is... #...some fucking bullshit and then i have to call my doctor on the phone (and can never reach them directly so i have to get a... #...receptionist to leave them a note that i HOPE they'll see in the next couple of days but sometimes they don't) and since i never have... #...an emergency it's often 2 or more weeks before anyone gets back to me. i usually have to call the pharmacy again. and then they don't... #...always answer and i usually have to go in and ask AGAIN why my meds aren't ready and they go 'oh we're still waiting on your doctor'... #...:) or 'they sent us a message back but it wasn't ENOUGH information and we sent them another ELECTRONIC NOTE that they won't see for... #...days or weeks so we recommend YOU call your doctor even though we're the ones flinging you around like a rag doll and you have 0... #...control over it. and by the way we're going to continue doing this for like a fucking year every time you get a new script. and when... #...your doctor asks you if the new meds are working you're going to have to say 'i have no fucking clue because it took 6 weeks to get... #...my goddamn prescription filled and it takes 3 months for the medication to show signs of working so my pharmacy wasted HALF of that... #...time sending electronic notes instead of filling my motherfucking prescription and i was supposed to be off these meds by summer... #...since they cause intense sunburn and shit and i have an OUTDOOR JOB NOW but my acne is still bad and hasn't gone away enough to stop... #...using the super intense stuff and my face hurts and swells and oozes and i have to wear a wide-brimmed hat and sunscreen EVERY time... #...i go outside because i can get a sunburn in 20 minutes now and i've been having heat rashes from the sun for the first time in my... #...LIFE and i have to fucking monitor myself every time i go outside and it's the warm season and i need a new pair of lighter work... #...pants but they don't sell above a size 18 for women even though men go up to like a size 45 which is like a size 24 or 26 in women's... #...and men's pants don't fit me bc i was blessed with the largest ass in the history of mankind' and i am so. fucking. tired. #of all the bullshit. #i feel miserable. my mom is buying me otc imodium bc i have NO IDEA when my prescription will come available. i just want the cramping... #...to stop. i've been having diarrhea all day every day since sunday. the cramps HURT and they keep me up at night. i haven't been... #...eating much bc there's so much shit moving around and hurting in my gut that i can't feel when i'm hungry and food doesn't soumd great. #so i'm weak and slow and tired and can't go to work and i'm using up all the sick days i was hoping to save up to visit my friend in... #...cyprus this winter. so that probably can't happen. but anyways. my mom came by while i was typing this out and i feel betterish. #personal

[a9saga]

tbt - big bang - sober // two years ago this song brought me a lot of comfort after my grandmother died. this one was a long time coming.

#the world was such a bleak place i finally got into bigbang #a development which i am grateful my grandmother never had to see #i had been thinking of a cnblue song or also maybe zutter #but nah this is the one #far and away my favorite song by them although i am a pretty casual fan #where's that album gdragon said he was working on two years ago #we got still life and still... crickets since it seems #its ok i spent a long time thinking how i wasnt ready for The Discourse after bigbang comes back from hiatus #after all that shit with seungri as well after bts became the biggest fucking thing in the world #cause these guys eclipsed kpop before bts got to their prime #i digress #ive been posting fewer songs lately that makes me a little sad #im not sleeping well this past week ive been on my laptop for hours dude i need to eat breakfast #i have a snow day today #wishing all of you the best #q'd 2/28 #bigbang #big bang #kpop #tbt #song rec #shut up kaily

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#my opening line to a prospective phd advisor: hello dr. [blank] i find ur reasearch heartstoppingly interesting #like was the email i sent the most polished an professional thing? maybe not. was that a little fangirl ish? maybe #but i dont care. ive got passion and if u dont like it i dont wanna waste 4 yrs of my life with u #god i hope she likes me tho. some of her papers r so fucking cool..... #hhhhhhhh also apparently the reason ive been feeling so out of my head is prob mostly just menstrual stuff yayyyy #i mean broad issues still there but the more acute symptoms prob chemical #idont even kno what to call it. like i feel so crazy. its not like mania i dont think bc i dont feel euphoric #but i feel like im gonna vibrate out of my skin and i want to scream to make the energy leave my body #so idk whats up with that lol #it is annoying tho bc i only have 18 days between periods. which i think is irregularly short? but its like always been that way and its #really consistent for the most part... unless i completely skip like a month. probably for stress reasons lol #so i think that's fine? i mean losing my mind basically every 2 weeks is not so great but idk #but at least im not in a lot of physical agony usually. just gotta deal with a sudden barage of intrusive thoughts #bah! annoying. go away! ur wasting my time. causing damage is not productive so shut up! #ugh anyway i digress when i should b sleeping #unrelated

[liturgusakrattorum]

hmm. i should revisit the runes au sometime

#i still have all the original docs! #no idea what i was on when i made em but they all look so nice #plus the plans and story notes i had were genuinely really interesting #i think in terms of writing i'd be much more willing to flesh smth out for runes more than ft cause ft was kinda just born from vibes #and extreme d//2 brainrot LMAOOOO #i'd love to revisit my redesigns too #im gonna be starting my job again this week + im also v much continuing my dnd campaign this summer #so needless to say i'll be busy #but i'd love to start chipping away at it again :') #hmmm. much to think about #skip speaks

[piesandstars]

.

#had an existential crisis yesterday #well more like have been having waves of one for two weeks #talked about it in therapy yesterday to try and deal but that ended up bringing it to the surface #cause it’s not like there’s an actual solution #so my anxiety was through the roof yesterday and going to choir helped some but then it still was majorly elevated #ended up waking up at about 3:15 due to these rushing thoughts and then tried a meditation thing for 30 minutes #finally remembered the sleep with me podcast exists at like 4:15 and that knocked me out until my alarm went off at 5:30 #got to bed late too because of when choir rehearsal ends and needing to finish work before i slept #so i got a total of like 5 hours of sleep and am currently feeling a bit nauseous and the existential crisis feelings? #they are still THERE #aaahhhh #i know it will go away eventually because will certainly do not feel like this all the time and it’s lessening in intensity #leaves on a stream and all that #but on top of all the grading that i have to do today i certainly did not need this #so your girl is 1) sleepy 2) stressed 3) anxious as FUCK 4) annoyed that i can’t control my thoughts and feelings 5) sad #🙃 #anywho.

[chocolate-cream-soldier]

>.<

#it's been what 2 weeks? #and I am still ruminating over the GJ s2 #it keeps bothering me #cause i thought maybe with some time passing i will get some clarity #but it's just so effing confusing still #what was the point of this entire season narrative wise #like what exactly am I to take away from it?!!! #there were good moments i am not denying that #but over all it was just a too much yet too little and chaos but not in a way that i enjoy! #it's extremely frustrating #i am so lost #this was my show #and i feel just so meh about it now it's bothering me #i hate it here #ughhh #raee in rantmode #rambling about gj #it's actually messing with my muse too #smh #why can't i learn to let things go #:/ #i be talking to the void #blogtalk #for ts

[be-good-to-bugs]

hey what if i like, didn't have a headache right now. that idea sounds cool we should do that idea.

#the bin #ack. i cant like. do anything. #i want to draw right now but i cant cause of this :/ #the screen hurts my eyes and the leaning over makes it worse. and the leaning from traditional art is SO BAD. #hhh. i hope it will go away soon but i dont think it will. im feeling stomach sick too so i cant take ibuprofen either. sad. #i didnt end up getting to call my mom yesterday. i was SO tired probably because i had a 2 hour panic attack and it was past when #id been going to sleep anyway so i fell asleep. today should be more idea bc i stayed in bed till kinda late. #im really nervous. theres other stuff stressing me too like lending a bunch of money to my sister again. i dont have a lot right now and i #will need some extra for moving costs regardless of if i stay here or get to go home. supposedly she will return it in a week #its not for her technically. its for her boyfriends rent. if it was for her i probably wouldnt have tbh bc she sucks SO MUCH about this #stuff. i do have the money and i get it. i dont know him but its not a problem for me as long as i get it back very soon #ive lent a couple smaller amounts to him before and he was quick to get it back. and he always offers to send back more which i dont care #about but like. he gets that im not REALLY in a position to be able to do this. im still stressed the fuck out tho. #my body hurts so bad all the time. im glad i get time off this week but god damn. #i was gonna use it to clean but idk if my body is gonna let me. well. at least one of the days it will have to. #i hope i get good news today when i talk to her. i wanna stop having to stress so bad about this

[noburden]

EMILY HOW ARE THINGS are we so excited to see our gf hozier ??? give me a life update how is that girl tell me everything

omg i haven’t checked tumblr in a few days and suddenly get the urge to and see a message from THE betsy !!! i’m very excited to see hozier i’ve been listening to his album on repeat so i know the lyrics and everything when i’m there 😏😏 hbu are you excited ??? it’s gonna be a road trip fr for youuu that’s so exciting

#for me it’s only like 30 min away #😭😭 #the girl is good !!! we’re still really close it’s just tough rn cause i don’t get to see her a lot :(( #BOOOOO #but i love my wife 😮‍💨🙏 #hbuuu how is college how is life ?? :))) did you enjoy spring break 🤞🤞 #also did you watch Zayn on hot ones ? that was a fun video i had an obsession w hot ones for like 2 weeks and binged them #and then i saw ZAYN WAS ON IT !! i was like wait what is this new or old #and it was new #i know he’s ur fav ms. zaynsclitoris #anyways i adore youuuu give me a life update too !! :))) i can’t wait for the concert #ask #betsy boop #okay just realized i actually posted yesterday #maybe i post without even realizing it’s the tumblr girl blood