#cause people either relate so hard they feel personally attacked

[silent-raven13]

Miles' love

There's days when Miles is overwhelmed with the world, where his anxiety goes haywire and got him going through panic attacks. Sometimes he just needs someone to be comfortable with or be by himself. Mostly he either talks to his Hobie about personal issues, sometimes talk to his parents like stuff about school and relationship advices.

Now, many seem that Miles' is the princess type always being taken care of, always spoiled with love and being cherished like a rare gem. That may be true especially, with his punker boyfriend. Hobie had always shower his Sunflower with gifts, love, anything and everything to make sure he is happy.

But, this isn't about Miles being taken care- No, this is about Miles' being a supportive and loving partner.

Now, many would assume Hobie Brown is a punker without no issues or problems, except if he's being Spider-Punk. All Spider-Heroes have dealt with trauma and lost of their loved ones, and being a Hero- err, he doesn't believe in heroism, anyway, the struggle of protecting the innocent is already relatable with Spider-people.

However, not many knows he too have his own depression, which Miles have been very aware. it started when Hobie mentions his neglectful mother and absent father, how much he hated them for leaving such a dysfunctional family. The worst part being poor with so many siblings and trying to survive dealing with an alcoholic mother. One of the major cause of his depression when he sometimes looks over a happy family, seeing both parents loving their child can hit a nerve.

He always wanted to be loved, to be hold and often to question if he desire it. Sometimes he believe he's trash and desire to be tossed aside, because of his abusive mum's words cut him like a knife. Many think words don't bother him, it's because he had the biggest BULLY of all, his mother! Foul words have been thrown at him in such an early age that he could remember his mom sneered at how much he look a lot like his father or how ugly he is. The distasteful foul slurs she uses in spiteful hate on her children shows how bitter she became when her husband left them- her!

So yeah, he never found loving parents, and his siblings can only do so much. He always wanted to have a family that would love him. In honesty, he does get jealous at his friends' connection with their families. Of course, he loves and cherish the family he build! That's the whole point, a person create their own community, their own family with trust and love. Yet...

Ha, it's always that yet, funny?

The punker yearn to be loved, to be worth it. There's times he believe he give so much and in the end he believe he isn't worth of love. Isn't worth of being with his Sunflowers. Too flawed. Too messed up to be with his darling Miles. No, he sees how much Miles can do so much better than him- WAY BETTER!

Ganke would be perfect him.

Is always his final thoughts or many a bloke with money and kindness would be better for his Miles. These dark thoughts got him restless, spend days not sleeping well. Smoking, drinking and doing a bit of drugs would help numb the pain, and he would carefully to use a little.

Don't want to tweet out being a crackhead on the slums of New York in his world. He refuses that lifestyle, he almost went there and it was hell crawling back out especially without support.

The Punker sat on the edge of his boathouse having a smoke; a little cigarette. Days like this makes him crave for a cigarette. Just when the twenty year old tries to quit, it always comes back to him.

Miles is gonna hate me for this. Nah, he'll for sure leave. i don't deserve him. I don't deserve to be love...

He looks at the river seeing how calm it is.

Everyone is only friends with me because I don't give a shit. No one ask for my opinion or how I'me doing... I'm a shit person.

He sighs feeling his depression hitting hard.

Maybe I should call Miles- No, he doesn't want to see me like this.

He always prefer Hobie when he's cooler. The Punker believed his Sunflower wants him to be the rock, the wall that protects the two.

It's better if I just deal with this on my own.

He had trouble calling out for help, too. It's difficult for him to talk about his personal troubles rather making everything into riddles or jokes. It's a way to shield him off from the world and from his Sunflower. He knows he shouldn't, before he was about to go to his bedroom.

An orange portal opens up right in the middle of the boathouse, Miles jumps out looking at his partner. This time the nineteen year old took off his Spider-man mask to show a frown, to go over to hug him.

Hobie looked surprised for the moment, "Luv, what are you doing here?" He quickly tap his cigarette bud out.

His boyfriend hugs him tighter, "I had a feeling you weren't feeling well."

"How?"

"You're not the only that gone through this kind of stuff." Miles softly spoke, "I noticed yesterday you were quiet and distant like I was a virus. My Spider Senses been going off too. Hobie, what's wrong? You can talk to me." He kisses his Hobie's cheek, "Mi amor, please. I know, your going through with something."

"I..." The Punker frowns giving a sad puppy pout with his inky eyes looking teary then he sighs being silent.

Great, now he'll get mad and leave me. All because I don't want to bloody talk! Hobart, you are one fucking wanker!

Instead of Miles being upset with the answer, he completely understood. See, he had a feeling his boyfriend might be sensitive to talk about certain stuff, so he went to Dr. Sims for advice. Rather than demanding or expecting an answer so quick, it was best to be there to listen. Dr. Sims recommended to be patient. So Miles will, gladly being the partner his Moonflower needs.

Miles cup his punker's face pulling him into a gentle kiss on the lips. "Whatever you're going through, I'm here with you." He pulls him into another tight hug, "We don't have to talk, we can be quiet, snuggling together. You know, you have me to cry on. Take all the time you need, Hobie. I love you and I'm not leaving your side." Another kiss on the punker's cheek.

Hobie felt tears coming down his cheek as he sniffs. Miles wiped them away, and gave another kiss on his boyfriend's face. "Thanks, luv... I don't fucking deserve you." Hobie finally hugs his Sunflower tightly as he weeps to him. "Sorry...Sorry, luv. I just feel like shit today!"

Miles hugs him tighter, with his face being buries into Hobie's shoulder as he spoke, "Bae- mi alma, mi carińo! I love you, and everything about you that includes your flaws. We deserve each other! You're so worth it! I'm happy being with you." He took his boyfriends' face, again to say to his face, "Hobie Laurence Brown, I fucking love you! Your mine and I will never let you go!"

"Fuck, luv. You always have a way for words." Hobie gave a small smile through his cries, he sniffs before kissing his Sunflower. "You're my everything, luv. I just often think-" Miles cut his off, "Don't ever think like that! I will always be with you! You and me are soulmates, remember! You and I made a promise we riding this train till we die."

"Heh, you're right, luv. I just-" He buries his face into his Miles' chest to breaths in his scent. "I'm sorry..."

"Shh, it's okay. Come, I'll take you to your room! Did you eat anything? Had some water?" Miles picks his boyfriend up which caught the punker off guard. It's kinda funny seeing Miles being shorter than him picking him up like a girlfriend, especially when it's a hug carry style. Then again, Spider-man powers!

"Sweeping off me feet, Sunflower? To make me feel better..." Hobie jokes.

"We both know I wear the pants of this relationship!" Miles giggles as he happily carries his boo to his bedroom, so the two can cuddle and spend some quality time. This is the perfect time for Miles to show all his love, self care to his man, and cook for him! This is the perfect cure to making his Hobie feeling better. Everyone needs some self-care from time to time.

It wasn't long till Hobie his cuddling with his Sunflower on their bed having giggles and laughter in the room as they play with the electric guitar. Miles' love is always special to him, and he knows no one will never replace that!

#punkflower #miles morales #hobie brown #spiderman #across the spider verse #fanfic

[petitesmafia]

Genuinely what did Dazai do? Out of even anime characters in general, what is so bad and evil about him? In the same anime he’s from there’s a pedophile, why doesn’t he cause such visceral hatred from people? Most Dazai haters like characters like Light or Sasuke, are you telling me Dazai is worse than a genocidal maniac or a Dictator with a god complex? More specifically, his main competitor, Chuuya, why is he considered so kind and good just because he’s not “manipulative”? Why is Chuuya’s evil actions either ignored or justified constantly 24/7 but we have to be reminded of Dazai’s everytime? Why is there such hypocrisy? Why are all Dazai ships so hated? Why do people ship Soukoku or any other Dazai ship if they hate Dazai and think he shouldn’t be with anyone romantically? Why do you even think that way? Dazai also deserves love, what did he do so evil that even a pedophile and a misogynist gets so much more sympathy from him? What exactly did Dazai do to this fandom?

Why does Dazai only need to be in love with Chuuya in soukoku and not the other way around? Why do the shippers only enjoy this ship when it’s one sided and Dazai is constantly suffering? Why do Skk shippers not want Chuuya to like Dazai back? How is it exactly that Chuuya is the one who deserves better, when it’s Dazai who keeps saying Chuuya is a human but is told his own humanity is a “joke” by this same person Dazai is kind to? Why do shippers defend this? Apparently both Skk are not perfect people, so when it’s Dazai is accepted he did Chuuya wrong which is I don’t know what exactly, but when it’s Chuuya doing shitty things to Dazai, it’s not an issue, it needs to justified somehow? Why do Dazai “stans” like this people or this ship so much if they “love” Dazai, why are all Dazai “stans” even okay with this? Why do you stan him then? Why do you say you “love” Dazai if you think Chuuya is cooler?? Why can’t you just go and stan him?? What did Dazai do to skk shippers? What is so cool about Chuuya when he’s criminal who still actively harms people?

imagine how successful you'd be if you showed this level of tenacity in academics and life instead of being on my ass for liking Chuuya

genuinely why are you constantly sending me shit still when i haven't even done anything to you or said anything hateful about Dazai. it has been almost 4 YEARS. why are you still in this one-sided beef with Chuuya and with me. why do you feel the need to harass and send people death threats simply bc they like Chuuya more. why do you claim to dislike Chuuya and Chuuya stans yet you come searching for my account all the time and doing the absolute fucking most to circumvent my blocking. why is it so difficult for you to grasp that just bc some people like Chuuya more, it does not mean they hate or even dislike Dazai. why is it so hard for you to take a step back and realize that not everything is meant to be "anti-Dazai" just bc you have interpreted it as such. you have harassed people over obvious jokes, you have harassed people when they haven't even mentioned Dazai bc you always feel the need to insert him into the narrative and then attack the person. i could mention Chuuya and the Flags and here you come with 10 messages telling me i should kill myself and slit my wrists bc the Flags are "flop Buraiha". why are you making it seem like it's about you defending Dazai when reality is it's about you not liking Chuuya. why do you not spend your time talking about Dazai on your own account rather than searching up Chuuya on the daily and making 5 million burners on every social media platform possible to attack people for posts that aren't even remotely harmful or related to Dazai. do you actually give a fuck about Dazai, or do you just hate to see Chuuya get loved by the fandom?

majority of the people you have deemed "Dazai haters" (which, frankly, you have deluded yourself into thinking is everyone besides you) don't even hate Dazai. they'll make one harmless joke or a random post and suddenly they'll be branded by you as a "Dazai anti", bc you do not know how to consume media in a healthy way, and you feel the need to project and make your problem everyone else's. there are plenty of people who have spoken in Dazai's defense of his change after leaving port mafia, about his fight in the light, yet you don't see that bc you are too busy searching up Chuuya and getting mad at Chuuya stans for talking about Chuuya. you seek out certain content that you know you don't like, then nitpick and generalize the fandom as a whole when it is your problem to deal with. don't even come here with that bitchass whining about certain people not "loving" Dazai bc the minute someone you don't like says something about Dazai, even if it's positive, you'll be there telling them to shut up and not speak on him. i have already been through your questions with you in the past so there's no point in going over them again, considering all you'll do is spam me with insults and threats bc you have no actual intentions of having a civil conversation. byeee

#ena replies #are you in love with me or something #the way you make burners just to check in on me constantly...like ok #i implore you to go outside breathe in some fresh air to clear out the cobwebs in that echo chamber you call a skull

[dropintomanga]

Berserk's Continued Popularity and Trauma

I often keep up with what's selling in the manga world, so it's not a surprise that I check out ICv2's Manga Week when the site posts up interviews and insights about the industry. What caught my eye this time was Kentaro Miura's Berserk still being a top-seller and a top manga franchise in the English-speaking side of the world.

How popular is Berserk right now? It was the top manga franchise of Fall 2023 beating out everything that was either Shonen Jump, Junji Ito or Attack on Titan. The Deluxe Editions have sold well for all of 2023, especially the first edition (which contains Volumes 1-3 of the series). It helps that Dark Horse Comics, the North American publisher for the manga, has been promoting the Berserk Deluxe Editions non-stop. Even when they didn't announce anything new at Anime NYC last year, Dark Horse made a huge note about the latest Berserk Deluxe Edition that would come out.

I think it's great that Berserk is getting a lot more attention (especially after Kentaro Miura died) because this is a story about trauma and how we still carry the wounds of it at times.

In my opinion, Berserk is a story about people trying to overcome their own trauma - one caused by interpersonal relations. Ultimately, it's about three people in particular. Guts, the main hero who falls into despair after his experiences in the Golden Age Arc and has to deal with the curse of constantly being hunted by monsters beyond his imagination. Griffith, the antagonist who once had admirable dreams, but fully gives into darkness after going through painful torture and is the main source of Guts' trauma. And Casca, the strong heroine who becomes a victim of Griffith's desires and mentally shattered as a result until recent events in the manga. The connection between all three characters says it all - sometimes, the trauma caused is not from strangers who are "dangerous," but those closest and dearest to us.

Berserk is so relatable because we carry on the weight of whatever personal trauma we experienced without realizing its hold on us until it becomes apparent. The worse thing is we often have a very hard time talking about it.

Around 2021, I heard about a certain book about trauma that took during the COVID pandemic. It was Bessel van der Kolk's The Body Keeps the Score. Originally published in 2014, the book blew up for good reason because COVID forced everyone to confront issues kept hidden for a long time. Van der Kolk talks about how horrible people can be to one another and that psychiatry seems to ignore the complexity of trauma when it comes to helping its victims.

Because of the nuance and how long it takes to heal, maybe that's why we can't talk about trauma easily.

Which is why I want to get to this point - I sometimes find it hard to talk about Berserk because of the sexual violence and horror aspects. Yes, fans love to call it the GOAT and/or recommending the manga to other manga/Western comics fans. But I will say I can't exactly recommend Berserk to anyone who's experienced trauma, especially sexual trauma. If they haven't come to terms and/or processed their pain, why would any manga fan shove Berserk in their face? I know there's heavy debate about microagressions and triggers, but just because it's critically-acclaimed doesn't mean it's for everyone.

I will say that the sexual violence in Berserk is used in a way to highlight the brutality of the real world at times. It serves its purpose in the story. Maybe I feel that Berserk is about acknowledging the dark side of life. The world is full of absolute cruelty. And maybe more importantly, you never fully move on. That's the key point. Moments that hurt will stick by you for a long time. People love to shame others for not being able to move on and/or cheer up. They don't know how trauma forces its victims to stay still out of a realistic yet unhelpful fear of certain kinds of people.

But you can still move forward. I'm admired by Guts fighting in the face of despair. He embodies the belief that you probably can never move on from whatever emotional pain you experience and that's okay. At least take the steps to make your own life worth living. It's the best you can do for yourself.

And a good start to moving forward is accepting the bad thoughts. I recently read how positive thinking is pushed so hard to promote better mental health. Some positivity is fine, but there's so much pain in this world that all the wellness industry strategies in the world will never make go away. It is a huge problem when we're told to grit and grind while suppressing our inner-most vulnerabilities.

A lot of people can't handle that kind of vulnerability. Maybe that's why I'm happy that Berserk is being discovered by new fans. Guts is a strong yet so very vulnerable hero. I think it's those vulnerabilities due to his trauma that allow him to gain some very good friends (Puck, Farnese, Serpico, Isidro, and Schierke) along the way who genuinely care about him.

We all want someone to acknowledge our pain and be willing to sit with and stick by us through the neck of it all.

I remember a friend who once told me that when they went to see someone perform, all of their grief and vulnerability was so apparent that they wished that they didn't need to air it out since a lot of people can't handle it. I told them I can handle it and they said that I was built different.

Much like the popularity of Berserk these days and what I hope the series encourages, I want my difference of being able to sit with trauma to be the norm.

#Berserk #manga #anime #mental health #trauma #trauma recovery #Kentaro Miura #Guts #Casca #Griffith

[avoidantrecovery]

i'm trying to put my new "thoughts" and "findings" about AvPD into words and coherent sentences and i find it nearly impossible. i have a plan, i want to try something new, but i don't know how to explain it all. maybe i can try a list:

disclaimer: this is just a list with things i want to do for myself not medical advice or some tried and tested key on how to solve avpd or anything like that 😭

i noticed that many who suffer with AvPD have an extremely negative view of themselves (their "self" if you will) including me of course

our "self" was wounded through trauma, abuse, neglect, being ostracized or abandoned etc...

the fear, inhibition, anxiety, feeling unappealing, etc... we struggle with is a result of having a self that is wounded, not the personality in of itself

moving through this world with a "self" that is not strong enough to support us causes us to appear that way

we internalized our abusers view of ourselves, leading to the "wounded self" and extremely negative view of self

and that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy since a wounded self leads to avoidance, retreat and isolation

it's just natural to want to protect yourself and feel safe if you feel your "self" is so fragile and makes you easily attackable

but that then leads to more feelings of inadequacy which leads to more avoidance etc...

the relational self atrophies over time and we feel worse as time goes on

i wrote about that here and also here

but still, there is no point in superficially forming connections with people (be they friendships, jobs, relationships, etc...) without taking care of that wounded self first

if the wounded self isn't, i don't want to use the word "healed" here, but let's say filled with more positive view of itself, all that happens is that you take the negative view of self wherever you go

wherever you go, there you are, as they say

it simply leads to self-sabotage, ghosting and feelings of inadequacy etc... just in a new surrounding

or you mask up in order to fit in, which is not tenable over time

especially with relationships you will sooner or later have to reveal your truly vulnerable side, which requires shedding of the mask, which is when people with AvPD usually bail

if anything those are the stories of AvPD that scare me the most, people who through sheer grit and hard work manage to reach their goals and then end up abandoning it all, because nothing has changed and the feelings of adequacy are still there and they can only keep up the facade for so long

people quit jobs they worked hard to get, ghost their friends and dump loving partners to return to the solitude and isolation they think they deserve (due to the negative self view)

so what is to do?

the "self" needs to be strengthened, but how do that?

this is also about mitigating shame

for once i have a bit of a plan: i believe that our sense of self consists in part of our own self-view, but also of the feedback we get from the outside world in regards to said "self"

i wrote about that here

the relational self has to be propped up and filled up with positive feedback we get from the outside world

genuine positive feedback to override the negative views the self holds about itself

this has to be done over and over again until it sticks

one part is of course how i self-talk and think/envision myself.

things like mindfulness, self-care (not through products, but genuine things i do for myself) etc...

the other part is the outside world

i'm still trying to figure out how to do this while also mitigating possible negative feedback i could receive

since there is no controlling what others do or feel

i don't think that is ever the point, in fact it is important to get away from the idea of thinking one can control others through our behaviour

either way, negative feedback does not mean their feedback has to be internalized, no?

and knowing how to handle the negative feedback one might get is crucial, as to not further entrench the negative self view and make things worse

but i think the idea of overriding the old (negative view) neural pathways is crucial

and it can be the smallest of small steps, just as long as something is happening

at least that is my plan for now so turn that negative self view into something more positive, one neural pathway at a time

i want to set some goals for myself for every week

sensible goals to slowly dig myself out of this hole

🥲😮‍💨

#avpd ramblings #avpd recovery #recovery goals #avpd thoughts #healing habits #relational self #the self

[bloglizziekamiya]

So I’ve seen a couple of these going around but here’s my thoughts on how I would want Wish improved because nothing bugs me more than a movie that I feel could have been SO GOOD but was held back by something (cough corporate cough)

SPOILERS FOR WISH 2023

-Have Asha start off AS King Magnifico’s apprentice, she’s totally loyal and his number one fan etc, I’ve seen a couple of ideas where maybe she should have been an orphan cause a) classic disney b) did her family actually do anything?

-So she gets to finally be trusted to see the wishes, we see that scene and it basically plays out as in canon, she questions why are most of these never granted? Why is it an arbitrary system only You decide? Why not give the wishes back if you’re not gonna grant them cause they are “unsafe”?

-Magnifico intimidates/gets after her enough that she backs down, tries to convince herself that he knows what he’s doing, it’s not her place to question etc

-We still have “This Wish” song play as Asha can’t help but question and same thing happens, a star responds. Only instead of chibi star we get shapeshifting human star LIKE WAS ORIGINALLY PLANNED

-Asha freaks out and tries to disguise the star as a regular human cause oh no magic is forbidden which is kind of hard to do when this kid barely knows how to walk or talk like the average citizen and also keeps trying to eat their own shirt

-“Are you a boy or a girl btw?” “I’m a celestial being from outer space.” “Fair enough”.

-Meanwhile Magnifico is freaking out because he knows a star fell and he Wants It for its power

-It all comes to a head when Asha gets to witness her only human friend Simon giving his wish to the king and she’s Horrified because the change in Simon is instant and disturbing it’s like something inside Simon has died

-There’s a confrontation, Star attacks Magnifico to protect their new friend Asha, they have to leave the kingdom in a hurry

-Maybe Star and Asha find other people who are hiding out from the kingdom who have been wrongly treated by the king, maybe that’s where Asha can meet the other friends who were totally unmemorable in the original

-Star starts teaching Asha magic so she can fight back against Magnifico one day, maybe we also have a falling in love montage? Hey we haven’t had a romance in a while.

-Meanwhile back in the kingdom Magnifico is going nuts/more dictator as he tries to hunt Asha and the star down “This is the Thanks I Get”

-Climax plays a lot like the original the gang tries to free the wishes, Star gets captured and sucked into Magnifico’s staff which is a lot more horrifying if it’s a sentient person

-WE 👏 GET 👏 A 👏 PROPER 👏 ASHA VS MAGNIFICO MAGIC FIGHT

Either Magnifico gets sucked into a mirror again or, in true classic disney villain fashion, he gets thrown off a high building to his death

I dunno I think in general one of the main problems was the main characters struggle wasn’t as relatable. “I want to save the wishes” is vague and kind of confusing

“I just found out my political leader is not who I thought he was, now I have to decide between keeping the status quo or fighting for what I know to be right and what I believe in even if I may lose friends and family?”

THAT is relatable.

Aaand Disney would never have the guts but I can dream can’t i?

#wish 2023 #wish 2023 spoilers #sorry guys i couldn’t think of anything for amaya #i’m not sure she was necessary tbh

[caitierose-butwithfics]

Birds Of A Feather

Description: After the events of Majesty, Jack decides it's time to move out of Nightswan tower, at least until they can defeat Nightswan for good. But when his final trip home turns more bitter then sweet, he finds help and sympathy in the most unlikely of places.

Authors Note: This is my first fic on this site, so please remember to reblog, like, and share your love. This particular fic is not based on any other preexisting fic. This is based on a prompt from the fabulous @anja-the-sane-sibling, so make sure to show them some love as well!! If you have a prompt you would like me to write about, make sure to message me!!! I also have a different blog, @caitlynnrosespn, which is my primary blog. (Side note: In advance, I would like to apologize for any missing special characters, since Tumblr is causing me issues :D)(Side note #2: If the panic attack scene reads a bit too much like Imperfect's panic attack scene, that's mostly because @thornkinglegacy is a terrific writer who perfectly wrote what being triggered looks like. I have PTSD, so I'm basing my scene off of actual triggers I experience:D)

VIEWER DISCRETION: There is discussion of child abuse, child neglect, and alcoholism. Characters are depicted to have scars on their persons, and one character experiences a trauma related panic attack. Mention of bruises, burns, and blood.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jack paced his old room impatiently. Wanderlust and the others insisted on helping Jack pack up his things, despite the fact that Mother had not allowed him to own much more than the clothes on his back. They said that this day may be quite hard on his own, and he should have others to help him. In a way they were quite right.

Jack had never lived anywhere outside of the Tower; had never even ventured outside of Cygnus. All his life he had been deepened on Mother to live, depended on her to decide he was worth something enough to keep him alive. Now that the Tower was empty of all inhabitants, Jack thought that he could just survive there until he figured out a better living situation. But things were... strange here. Odd things kept happening to Jack. He could be going down the stairs, and almost be to the bottom when he would suddenly reappear at the top. Or when he tries to sleep, how the second he drifts off a million hands seems to appear out of nowhere and cling on to him. Only when he wakes up, the feeling disappears instantly. Jack couldn't remember the last time he actually slept.

Wanderlust had asked his father about it,and his father said that it was possible that they were just lingering effects of Mother's magic. She had managed to disturb the Flow of millions of Dancers, after all. But, he also said that there was a possibility that Mother knew Jack was back in the Tower, and was trying to reach him through her magic. He said that that might explain why Jack felt like millions of hands were trying to drag him away in his dreams. Because they might be trying to drag him back to her.

Either way, The Traveler had suggested that Jack live with him while they sort things out. Jack would be safe with them, he had said, since The Traveler already had extensive barriers against dark magic around his home. They were quite the powerful family, after all. Jack had, at first, rejected the offer. For one, he barely knew Wanderlust's family. For years Mother had told him that they were terrible people, and while Jack knew she was probably lying, years of conditioning does wonders on one's psyche. And for another, if they were truly good people, he didn't want to put them in harms way. The Traveler may be powerful, but Jack had seen his Mother's power too. Were these magical barriers truly enough to keep them all safe from Mother's magic?

But despite his protests, Wanderlust was persistent. He was the only reason Jack eventually agreed. He trusted the Prince, and if he genuinely thought this was a good plan, that Jack will trust him.

Almost as if thinking about him summoned him, a portal appeared behind Jack, and four giggling people stepped out. Wanderlust, with Sara, Brezziana, and Mihaly. Their good mood was almost enough to brighten Jack's dim room. Almost.

"Jack!" Brezziana was always the first one to rush forward and give him a huge hug. Ever since the battle with Mother, Brezziana took every opportunity to remind him that he was one of them, despite who his mother was.

"You are about twenty minutes late," Jack said with a small smile, bending down slightly to wrap his arms around the energetic Dancer.

"We would have been on time if Mihaly hadn't lost their earbuds!"

Mihaly stood, admiring the room, earbuds surely blasting music, completely oblivious to the new attention turned their way. They spun on one foot, suddenly realizing all eyes were turned on them. They removed one earbud, and sure enough music loudly blared out of it. "What?"

That was met with more laughter as Mihaly did their customary bow. Mihaly was not one for physical touch, which Jack appreciated. Sara, on the other hand, gave him a soft hug. She always seemed to understand him better than the others, treating him gently and giving him space when needed.

Lastly, Wanderlust stepped forward, giving him his signature bow with the biggest smile. Jack gave him a slight bow in response. He didn't really know what was the right way to respond to his greetings, but that always seemed to work alright.

Brezziana bit her lip, taking the room into consideration. "Is this your room Jack?"

"Always has been."

Brezziana touched one of the gray walls. "But it just seems so..."

"Lifeless? I believe that's the point."

His friends looked at him, shock, disbelief, and sympathy all toying with their features. They knew his life was far from pretty, but now being inside of his childhood room, everything he said about his childhood felt different. Jack looked down, suddenly ashamed. He had been careful not to share too much about his childhood. Had they seen too much already?

The silence seemed to stretch out forever before Wanderlust finally said, a bit too cheerfully, "I have an idea! How about me, Brezziana, and Mihaly stay here to pack up your room, and you and Sara go and see if there's anything around the Tower you would like to take with us?" Brezziana nodded eagerly, while Mihaly shared a small smile. Jack stood for a moment, scared to venture much past his bedroom door. Finally, he nodded. His mother kept many things from him in this Tower, and it would do him good to find them again.

Sara grabbed his hand and gently guided out of the room, where the others were already packing up anything they could find. Their laughter, and Brezziana's startled "Dios mio, Wanderlust! Who taught you to pack?" were soon nothing but echoes in the halls.

"So, where do you want to start?" Sara asked, inspecting the walls of the Tower. Jack stared straight ahead, thinking about everything that he could possibly want from his childhood home. His clothes, of course, maybe a few trinkets from his room, his ca-

Oh no. His cane.

"Shit!"

"What's wrong?"

"My cane. It's in my rehearsal room."

"Oh. Oh no."

The rehearsal room. The room where he spent every waking moment of his childhood. The room where his mom tortured him with endless hours of dancing, singing, and beatings if he was not perfect. Jack could feel the sting of her claws still, making deep cuts on his face and his arms.

"Jack? I could go and grab it for you."

He shook his head. No, that wouldn't do. Because then he would be left alone. And he couldn't be alone right now. He couldn't go back to his room either. That would worry the others, and they would panic more than Sara if they saw him like this. The only option was to press forward.

He moved, almost mechanically, towards that dreaded room. Sara followed at a safe distance, biting her lip nervously. She was unsure of what she should do, what would even help at this point.

Jack considered leaving it, but that wasn't an option either. It was left for him by his father, and one of the only things from Father that Mother actually let him have. He couldn't leave that behind.

He reached the room, breathing heavy. The mirrors, identical to the ones underneath the performance room, were reflecting back his panicked face. In, out. He tried to keep breathing as he entered the room, unwelcome memories pouring in. Memories of his mom stalking the doorway, watching him dance. Watching him continuously fail. Always there to remind him what the cost of failure was. Such painful reminders, they always were.

There. His cane was lying, neglected, in the middle of the room. He just had to grab it and get the fuck out of here. But he could barely breathe, his vision blurry. Sara called his name, distressed. She had been calling his name for a little while, but he couldn't hear.

He dropped to his knees suddenly, unable to go further. He pulled his knees close to his chest, squeezing his eyes shut so hard that he could see patterns in his visions.

"Again." Mother would demand, watching him fall to the floor in exhaustion, not moving to help him up again.

"I can't," He would breathe in exhaustion. It didn't matter if he was 8, or 12, or 15, or as of just recently, 18. That response always would get her moving. She would stand over him, waiting for him to get up on his own. But he never could. Exhausted, sleep deprived, and starved, Jack couldn't move. So Mother made him. She would grab him by the arm, or the collar of his shirt, or his throat, and force him back to his feet, her claws always so close to tearing his skin. Sometimes she would cut him, to make a point.

"Did I say you could practice until you couldn't?"

"No, Mother."

"So when did I say you could stop practicing?"

"Mother, I can't do much mo-" A hard smack to his face would always cut him off. Those claws would often times would cut deep into his skin as well, leaving it blue, black, and covered in blood.

"When, Jack, did I say you could stop practicing?"

"When it's perfect," he would whisper pitifully.

"And is it perfect."

"No, Mother."

"Then you will keep practicing. I don't care how long it takes, I don't care if you drop dead! It will be perfect!"

She would throw him to the ground like a ragdoll, and it would take all of his willpower to stand up and keep practicing.

Jack could feel each tiny little scar on his arms, each one of them from her. She had always shamed him for how easily his arms scared. If he was truly strong, she said, she wouldn't be able to hurt him as easily. But he wasn't strong, Mother would taunt. He was weak. Fragile. Nothing. A failure.

Even now, he could hear her voice yell at him for messing up once again. Jack. Jack. Jack! JACK!

"JACK! Can you hear me?"

Jack blinked in surprise. That wasn't Mother's voice. He looked up to a shocking display.

Sara sat on her jacket, directly across from him, palms up. She was so concerned, her eyes focused on him. But that was the least shocking thing about her.

This was the first time he had seen Sara without her jacket. Scars danced up her arms, mostly burns that looked like they were caused by a cigarette, but some cut scars as well.

It took a second for her to notice where his gaze was, but when she finally did, she put her hands down and instead thrust her arms towards Jack for inspection.

"These? They were caused by my father. He always had a hot temper, but when my mom left him and I when I was 10? He uh... he found his comfort in other things. Alcohol, mostly. And when he was drunk, his temper turned from hot to scorching. And I guess I looked a little too much like my mom when he was drunk, so he took all the anger directed at her out on me." She gave an empty chuckle, lowering her arms. "That's why I poured so much of myself into my job. Why I hid myself. Wanderlust taught me to live when he transported me here. You guys helped me heal."

Jack stared at her, shocked. He would have never guessed that he and Sara were so...similar. She knew his pain. Things made so much more sense now. She looked him in the eye and gave him a small smile.

"You don't have to hide what you went through Jack. You're not weak because of the things she put you through. You were vulnerable, and she took advantage of that. But she's gone. We are here for you, now." She reached out and gently held out his hand. "And you are safe now."

Jack stared at Sara, something building in him. Safe? He didn't think he deserved safety. Love. But maybe Sara was right. Maybe...

Jack couldn't help it as uncontrollable tears slid down his checks. Sara smiled sadly, and wrapped her arms around him gently as he wept quietly on her shoulder. It felt good. Years and years of pain, sadness, and broken trust all let out in a moment. Sara gently rubbed his back, reassuring and encouraging him to let it all out.

Minutes, who knows how many, passed before Jack finally sat back, taking a wavering deep breath. "We should go back before they start to worry."

"Of course."

"First, I should probably grab my ca-" Jack looked up from wiping his eyes, to see Sara standing, already holding his cane.

"You needed some space, so I thought I would grab it for you," Sara said with a smile as she offered him her hand.

He accepted with a similar smile, only ruined a tiny bit by his red rimmed eyes. "Good idea."

He held his cane in one hand, Sara's hand in another, as they walked together out of the room that held so much hurt, so much pain. But no longer did it hold any power over Jack.

"Sara?"

"Hm?"

"Thank you. Thank you for... well... thank you."

Sara met his eyes with a kind smile. "Anytime.

***

Back with the others, Wanderlust, Brezziana, and Mihaly had made quick work of Jack's room. Thankfully, the red in Jack's eyes had gone down. He will tell them everything, eventually, but not yet.

"You ready?" Wanderlust asked with the biggest smile on his face. The excitement he had over having a new roommate was almost palpable.

Jack took one last look at the childhood room. The room that was vacant of life, vacant of light. It hadn't changed much, they hadn't taken much. No longer would he have to dread sleeping in this barren room. He looked down at Sara, who had a reassuring smile on her face, and took a deep breath.

"Yeah. I'm ready."

And all together, he walked through the portal with his four friends, into new beginnings.

#jd jack rose #jd sara #jd mihaly #jd brezziana #just dance 2024 #just dance #jd wanderlust #jd headcanons #jd night swan

[blackmambaboobs]

TF2 Monster Mercs

So, I was thinking about the TF2 mercs as monsters/mythical creatures... Scout: Jackalope  -It’s known in the game that he’s called “Jackrabbit” by Engi and is known as the fastest member of the team.  -Rabbits are fast, can be skittish and alert (especially wild ones). -Jackalopes are from North American folklore, and seem harmless (though I’d imagine that their horns can do quite a bit of damage, like a buck). -Rabbits are good kickers because of their strong legs and are good at defending themselves despite the fact that they are prey to many animals. Spy: Matagot -It’s known in game and just in regular canon that Spy is seen as sly (AKA, being sneaky and tricky) and is hard to know which person he’s turned into. -He’d be a Fox Matagot.  -Matagots are from Southern France and can turn into multiple animals, but I feel a Fox fits him. -Foxes are amazing hunters, they’re quick and hard to catch and are known for causing trouble. Soldier: Sasquatch   -Soldier is a loud Guy and is violent when protecting his team, this is just a fact in canon and in game. -Sasquatches are commonly from North america and are said to be violent, smashing rocks on things to kill it and even yelling.  -And while Sasquatches are known to run away if needed, they will roar and/or act similar to a Gorilla to scare off prey. Sniper: PouKai -Sniper is known for being a Bushman, and being able to kill someone with good aim just from a single gun and being silent at it too. -He’d be a Poukai, why? Poukai’s are from New Zealand, they’re large man-eating birds and while they are considered mythical they may have actually existed at one point because of an actual extinct bird’s similarities.  -They’re like Eagles and are able to quickly kill and eat their prey silently.  Demoman: Kelpie -Demo’s known for his many bombs and somehow inability to not die despite the fact he is just a l c o h o l. And his disliking for Nessie. -He’d be a Kelpie for these reasons, 1: Kelpies are water spirits and while there are debates about it, it’s generally believed they lived near the Loch Ness Monster. and 2: Kelpies are known for tricking people by turning into a beautiful looking person (man or woman) and/or beautiful horse and then attacking that said person, even causing the Kelpie to be called the Devil because of it (honestly, gives me the vibes that Demo calls himself when he says he’s a monster because of his cyber eye).  Heavy: Leshy -Heavy, while known for carrying a big ass gun, is a big softie and doesn’t speak much, being kind and respectful to many people regardless of size and shape. -Leshy’s are in Russian and/or Polish origin, they are known to be masculine and said to be a forest spirit that watches the woods it protects. And while they seem evil, they tend to be quite nice depending on the Humans they meet. -This fits Heavy very well, he’s not mean at his core (literally a gentle giant). And he protects his team and family and friends, always making sure they’re safe. Medic: Nachzehrer -It’s known in game and in canon that Medic is a bit unstable and likes to experiment with different organs and such (animal or Human). He’s also known for making a deal with Satan himself in the comics. -In German folklore,  Nachzehrers are kinda a mixture of Vampires and Ghouls. They are also known for being related to sickness and disease (like a plague). They are often created in sad ways (Suicide, ETC), and eat either their own bodies or their family members.  -While I don’t believe Medic would ever eat someone (including himself),  Nachzehrers are also created because of sickness (it’s believed the first person that dies becomes one in most cases).  -Medic would honestly probably just eat random people, or at the very least, his enemies. Engineer: Goatman  -Engi’s known for his sentries and many PHDs and fast thinking. And because of this, is hard to get rid of.  -From Texas and other places, the Goatman is known for protecting bridges by attacking and/or scaring off people, especially at night, by either scratching (or just generally hurting) the person and/or making many terrifying noises. -They tend to be seen as the Devil because of their violent acts if you stay on his bridge for too long. Reminds me of the line “And you best hope... not pointed at you.” Pyro: Cockatrice -It’s known in game that Pyro is well, a pyromaniac and a bit weird. But they’re protective over their friends but seem unsettling to others especially with the mask they wear. -Cockatrices is a biblical beast, known for turning people they make eye contact with into stone and/or using fire breath.  -They are violent to Humans, though I’d imagine they’d be protective over their own kind and offspring. Note: I made these little headcanons of the mercs as monsters/mythical creatures based on where they’re from and what fits them personality and job-wise- The knowledge of these creatures are from my own research, so if I get anything wrong, I do apologize- If you have more info’ on these creatures (especially if they are from where you live), please educate me! I’d be happy to learn! :) 

#tf2 #tf2 pyro #tf2 engineer #tf2 scout #tf2 sniper #tf2 heavy #tf2 medic #tf2 soldier #tf2 demoman #tf2 spy #estrella rambles #headcanon #headcanons

[sporkdoesclasspect]

could you do a general analysis of a prince of void, since we are discussing void? its one of the aspects im most interested in, but i dont see a lot of people discuss it.

sure! void is a very cool aspect and i am totally not biased at all >:3

as we know, princes are destroyer classes. similar to knights, they weaponize their aspect very effectively, but where knights wield their aspect in order to fulfill their duty, princes are more suited to attacking, dealing damage, and generally destroying, with all of these things being both literal and metaphorical.

i feel like they tend to be loners, but at the same time they desire connection and belonging - or if that's not your jam, they could have some other conflicting sort of nature relating to their aspect. either way, they're very contradictory, and will usually be self-sabotaging as a result. this internal conflict will ultimately be their downfall if they can't overcome it, their aspect very ironically destroying them in return.

for a prince of void, i think "lone wolf who craves connection" is actually really well-suited to the title. void players in particular often heavily repress things - roxy with her feelings (romantic and otherwise), equius with his overall weirdness, horuss with his negativity as per meulin's suggestion. however, this repression is never fully effective, and these things slip through and cause various neuroses; unconscious attempts at coping, atypical behavior and unintentional revealing of the very thing they're trying to hide. in other words, they try so hard not to think about or address certain things that they actually bring those things into focus.

it's like a black hole, kind of. you can't actually see it, but you can see the effect it has on the things around it. a void player repressing something probably talks around it in conversation, thus bringing attention to it via the obviousness of its absence. it's a very interesting intersection of light and void, where they can both have the same qualities and effects, but go about it in different ways.

void players will sometimes cling to the familiar - tradition, nostalgia, social norms, things that are tried and tested - in an attempt to find belonging, security, or any manner of thing they long for. in a world of uncertainty, these things can bring comfort. unfortunately, they can also do harm - see equius' hemoloyalty for a... D-> STRONG example.

with a prince of void, i'd expect void's themes of isolation to play a big part. to me, this could be a person who feels deeply alone or insignificant, and tries to compensate for this by being aggressively sociable, though they might not quite understand how to do that in ways that are acceptable. we see this kind of behavior in roxy, who is similarly lonely and desperate for interaction and affection.

a prince's problems, though, might not be so direct - it may be that the prince of void doesn't even realize just how isolated they really are, or maybe they just don't see how much of an effect it's having on them. this seems like a prince trait to me: their aspect has a ton of influence on their life, but that just means they're so used to it that they might not think their situation is that atypical until it's pointed out or they're otherwise forced to come to terms with it. that can probably apply to a lot of the homestuck characters, but with princes being destroyers, i think it's fitting for them to have to first figure out what it even is that they need to destroy.

regardless, i can see them being clingy and overly people-pleasing. this could be attempting to destroy Void As In Lack/Absence, or destroying themselves With void - self-minimizing and denying their own desires so that people will like them, kind of like horuss. the thing with horuss is he believed himself to be "everything and nothing" (a blank Page, so to speak), and so he let everyone else decide who he would be.

a prince of void could be similar, but less in a "letting people tell them who to be" way and more in a "trying to be everything for everyone" way. they might switch up their behavior and persona depending on what the person they're talking to responds the most positively to, entirely ignoring their own wants and suppressing their inherent traits. of course, if this sounds too much like a prince of heart to you, there are other ways it could go! (though i think this would be a very good direction to take for prince of void who was raised by or otherwise greatly influenced by a heart player.)

a prince of void could destroy void-as-mystery, making them the kind of person who aggresively uncovers the truth. they may refuse to tolerate lies, or even try to force people to be upfront and honest even if they're not comfortable doing so. or they might just bring clarity to situations, making any uncertain elements or variables into definite ones - think of a super observant detective with incredible deductive abilities, filling in the gaps in their knowledge by determining what most likely happened at a crime scene. i could see this prince playing that sort of role, and combining it with the truth-seeking idea, maybe they're really good at interrogation, using a combination of social deduction and intimidation to get someone to confess.

in that case, their struggle could be similar to something i mentioned in the seer post. the prince might be this cool, skilled and intimidating detective, but they might be an overthinker, even kind of paranoid. they think everyone is lying or hiding something, when in reality, the thing they're missing is that there's really, genuinely Nothing there. they're so caught up in Mystery and Secrets and Hidden Things that they don't even notice the complete Lack of an actual problem, the Absence of guilt. perhaps their whole investigation was false from the start, either as an intentional distraction orchestrated by some enemy or just turning out to be a paranoia-fueled overreaction that the prince was totally convinced was legit.

on the other hand, a prince focused on nonexistence/potential might be the type who builds or creates things to try and fill a void in their soul, or something like that. or maybe they feel their existence has no meaning, so they desperately reach for any shred of importance or relevance they can find. they might destroy things just to try and make an impact on the world, lashing out because they want to make a difference, they don't want to be forgotten. you can combine those concepts too: a prince of void who's an artist of some sort, but they're underappreciated and feel their work is worthless, so they decide there's more value in destroying things than in creating them. if they can't go down in history for their art, then they'll just have to be immortalized as a villain. vandalism could be a good option for that, especially since things like grafitti, while destructive to property, are still an act of creative self-expression.

honestly, though, there's so many ways to do this i feel like i could go on forever. do tumblr posts have a character limit?? i dunno, but i bet i'll find out one day. :p

i mean, hey, maybe the prince of void is just a full-on brawler who beats the shit out of people empty-handed. or maybe they use deception and secrets to destroy, breaking down group cohesion from the inside by spreading lies and blackmailing people. and they could always be a ninja! ninja is always a valid approach. :3

powerways: roxylike summoning of items via destroying their nonexistence, or complete obliteration of items via destroying through void, effectively vaporizing them by dispersing matter (creating empty space). maybe even deleting things from the timeline entirely, making them retroactively nonexistent, like they were never there in the first place. scientifically inaccurate but really cool looking black hole attacks. they could have the ability to erase things, but only when no one else can see them? like, they have to be the only observer.

and that reminds me of schrodinger's cat... if void is potential, maybe they can even do some really weird quantum physics stuff that i don't super understand and force certain outcomes so long as they haven't been confirmed or decided yet, by destroying the potential alternatives? destroying uncertainty, like making it so a coin will land on heads by destroying the possibility that it will land on tails mid-flip. i'm not a sciencer or anything, and that's kinda out there, but it sounds like a fun idea to explore!

i hope this is interesting! i think i may have focused more on the void part than the prince part... sorry if it's not what you were looking for. princes aren't my strong suit, i always have a lot of ideas for them but i struggle putting them into words for some reason. -u-

#classpect #prince class #void aspect #prince of void

[sundayswiththeilluminati]

Some Divinity-related math I started typing in a reply but it got too long so it gets a post instead:

Assume each player contributes 1 point of damage. 

A fireteam of 6 therefore does 6 x 1 = 6.

Now take one player out, but add 25% to the others: 5 x 1.25 = 6.25, or ~105% of 6.

Change the buff to 15%: 5 x 1.15 = 5.75 ~ 95% of previous damage, a net swing of 10%.

To break exactly even (i.e. same damage with or without Div) the buff would need to be 20% (5 x 1.2 = 6) 

With a 15% buff, not having Div would have to cause each player to lose 5% of their damage to break even.

Whether aim can cause you to lose >5% of your damage depends a lot on *how* you’re doing damage. It depends on the burstiness of your damage, length of damage phase, the usefulness of AoE/DoT damage (remember Breach & Clear Anarchy?) and weirder factors like “are you using weapons that don’t care about crits (Xeno, Wardcliff, etc.)? Are you using weapons that give other advantages for hitting crits (Whisper, Hawkmoon, etc.)? Are you a Golden Gun/Nighthawk Hunter, for whom one missed shot might be 15% or more of your damage? Or are you a Nova Bomb warlock and your damage depends entirely on whether Big Happy Fun Ball goes for the right target?”

All of this math assumes each player does equal amounts of damage. In reality encounter design and player loadouts vary so much that it’s impossible to even say how often this assumption is true. For instance Kingsfall Day 1 a large chunk of our Warpriest boss phase damage was being put down by three Star-Eater/Golden Gun Hunters, so taking someone else off direct damage to run Div and ensure all of those shots hit would be an excellent investment even if Div only gave a 5% buff. By contrast we used Wardcliff for the sisters, which doesn’t even do precision damage; in that case a 15% Div buff, i.e. incurring a net 5% damage decrease, makes Div not worth it.

In conclusion: at a 25% buff, in all situations where Divinity gave a usable crit bubble for five attackers, it gave a net damage increase (i.e. was “worth it”). At a 15% buff, whether it is “worth it” becomes highly situational, dependent on factors like team composition and encounter design.

And now for the opinions section:

Do I like this change? Not really, no. I don’t feel that Divinity was distorting encounter design in a significant way. Oh, they took it into account like they do all meta-relevant weapons, but it certainly wasn’t a back-breaker like Gjally or Whisper. That “usable crit bubble for five attackers” clause cuts out a lot of bosses. In the last two new raids Div has only been useful in a single encounter each. Even in Kingsfall, which followed the old “sack of HP” design philosophy, it’s only useful in two encounters (Warpriest and Oryx). Raiding - okay, “six-player pinnacle activities” - is Div’s only use-case; it’s not like it rules the roost in every situation. The hitboxes of Destiny bosses aren’t known for their consistency, either - ever tried to hit Taniks in the head? Div is also a one-person weapon, not a mandate for an entire fireteam. I just don’t believe it’s a problem that needed addressing. 

Then again, I’m not Bungie. I don’t know how much Divinity has messed with encounter design behind the scenes, or what they have planned that might be disrupted by it. Maybe this is like the Sleeper ricochet nerf where they know it’s going to screw with stuff that hasn’t yet been released.

Anyone implying that hyper-precise aim should be a required skill for Destiny content, even extremely high-level Destiny content, can go play CoD and leave the rest of us the hell alone. Even leaving aside the issue of how aim is a “skill” with hard physical limits that are a lot more common and restrictive than people realize, the fact is: Destiny is not a twitch shooter. It will never be a twitch shooter. It literally can’t be a twitch shooter, because of how its netcode works. Destiny does not have “dedicated servers” the way games like CoD or Battlefront do. Why do you think the PvP players are always bitching about how they totally hit that shot? Its server architecture will always cause a certain level of network latency, and that level is much higher than “pure FPS” games - higher than I think a lot of people who play other online multiplayer games realize. That constrains how fast any player can be expected to act or react. You can’t hit perfect shots if the visual on your screen is literally inaccurate. Yes, I do think it’s reasonable to ask for a certain base level of aim in content like Day 1 raids. But success should never be conditioned on near-perfect aim, if only because Destiny literally doesn’t work like that. Remember the hideous rubberbanding on Atraks damage in DSC Day 1? Remember the year of Whisper, where you were SOL if you couldn’t hit three rapid precision shots on a moving target? 

Do you really want to combine those things?? 

You do not.

#Destiny 2 #Divinity drama #alright I'm done talking about this mess I think #it makes me upset #and I get especially pissed off about the aim thing #so I'm done now #unless something else big happens #this is the wager of existence

[charmixpower]

From best to worst individually, how good are the Trix at commanding, channeling and harmonising?

Thank you for the lore questions!! Fun fact I'm making a lore bible with now with some major rewrites and somethings that are exactly the same, and that will be out... Before next year XD

The notes are about 7,000 words right now and I can say with complete certainty that it will be over 10,000 by the time I'm done XD I've already broken it down by part to make it easier to explain. Focused, thriving, moisturized, in my lane, ect ect. Excited for that, I'll rewrite this when I finish my lore

Icy: Commanding, Harmonizing, Channeling

Icy is a straight up prodigy at commanding magic. She uses cold air and water in the air to make her ice and throw it at people. That takes an insane amount of control!! Stormy is also really good at it, making lighting is hard, but she gets to start with air and wind being already present. Icy has to MacGyver that shit. Icy is theeee baddest bitch. As for harmonizing if she had literally any other domain she'd suck massive dick at it, I mean she'd be TERRIBLE. Icy just really REALLY vibes with ice in particular, both physically and metaphorically, making it extremely easy for her to harmonize with ice/cold. She kinda views the cold as an extension of herself, so it's almost second nature to her. Adding Bloom's power to her massively fucked up her ability to do that btw bc there was something foreign was in her. As for channeling magic she's still really good at it! Remember in s2 where she nearly killed Sky in RF by, I think it's implied that she kinda internally freezes him??? Yeah but she's good at that too. It requires more thought than the first two that she's a genius in and she can do by instinct but that only makes a difference of a couple seconds. Icy is EXTREMELY good at magic

Stormy: Harmonizing, Commanding, Channeling

It's really funny to say Stormy "chaos reigns" is good at harmonizing but that's exactly why she's good at it. Baby girl IS the storms. She's like the concept lightning tornados were a person, and said storm magic reacts to her back like that. They GET each other. Relating to that, Stormy is obviously far less controlled about her magic. Stormy intuits her magic, the only thing she's really intentionally controlling is her lighting bolts, otherwise she's just pulling at the magic and letting it do what it wants while pointing it in the direction of whatever she wants dead. On that note, channeling, channeling a large wild source of magic into a little box is literally the worst thing in the world for Stormy. She sucks ass at it. Like. Barely passing her requirements sucks at it. She's all like, fuck OFF storms are not meant to be contained in tiny little magic stones, immediately die about it. And then the teacher tells her to stop being insubordinate and just do the assignment

Darcy: Channeling, Commanding, Harmonizing

I feel like Darcy is at her best in combat when she's not a powerhouse. Icy and Stormy are already power houses, we don't need all three of them to be. Darcy's commanding and channeling magic are at the same level. She's not Icy levels of good at either but still extremely good. She uses her commanding magic to throw things around and attack from multiple directions and basically uses it to influence her environment physically, and channeling magic to use things inner darkness to cause havoc. She deserves a unique fighting style her magic is so cool. As for harmonizing. You remember in s1 where she pretended to be Stella and was SO TERRIBLE AT IT??? Remember in s2 when only Icy was any good at pretending to be a normal CT witch??? Darcy is good with physical darkness, she's great with messing with internal darkness, she's TERRIBLE at the trickster parts of darkness. Like. Blowing up Riven and gaslighting him into falling in love with her wasn't even HER idea, IT WAS ICYS!! She sucks at harmonizing, she's much better at it than Stormy is at channeling, she can mostly do it but it's not very good. It's passable. High C, low B grade

#winx club #winx #rus chatters #asks #winx headcanons #winx club headcanons #winx Trix #winx icy #winx darcy #winx stormy #winx witches

[inhumanliquid]

"It's not abuse if it doesn't break any bones" and other lies you can tell yourself

An incoherent(?) ramble(?) about the effects of certain "punishments" from the perspective of someone who realizes they didn't turn out fine

I was hit and yelled at from the age of about two to a time I have no memory of. I wasn't even a bad kid, I just didn't understand social rules (autistic) and got upset easily (little kid).

All I remember from when it would happen was the pain and fear. I don't know what I did to make them so mad. That's a problem.

Because they never bothered to explain what I did wrong, I didn't get that what I did was bad. I assumed that they didn't love me and that I was irredeemable.

Once, I was hit just because I was crying because I got yelled at for no reason. My mother likes to threaten punishments for showing emotions pretty damn often for someone who claims she's okay.

They used to lock me in my room. Now I do it myself so others can't do it for me. I'd love to feel safe going out without being scared of being forcefully isolated again.

I grew up with horrible self-esteem issues as a result. I hated myself and assumed everyone else hated me, too. I was suicidal from the age of around five (which I only know due to a diary my mom bought me and decided it was perfectly fine to snoop through). I got yelled at for that, too. It made it worse.

I still can't trust my parents because of what they did. Loud noises, especially literally anyone yelling, cause me to have panic attacks. I hate being touched unless I personally initiate it or the other person asks very specifically if the form of physical affection they're looking for is okay because it makes me anxious. I'm unable to communicate effectively with others and quick to resort to verbal or physical violence because, believe it or not, it's hard to get past things you internalize as a little kid.

Part of why I refuse to even adopt a kid is that I'm scared of being like my parents. I don't want to make another human being feel like they're just an object for people to take their anger out on or to teach them to view others in that way.

Because of how my parents treated me, I struggle to maintain stable relationships. I blow things out of proportion and make them the problem of people who were never involved to begin with. People are either totally evil (my parents) or completely perfect (the few people who actually stay around that aren't obligated to) with absolutely no in-between. I'm not a person, but a ceramic doll that's been completely shattered and then shoddily glued back together without all the pieces because some of them were either turned to dust or simply lost.

I dissociate a lot. Usually, it's derealization (disconnection from the world) or depersonalization (disconnection from the self), but it's also things like feeling like someone else got yelled at or hit or locked in that room for simply being alive.

Tangentially related to that point is that I just... don't have an actual identity. I can’t even answer basic questions like what my favorite color is.

My name is anything but my deadname, and my pronouns are any but the ones associated with my agab... which could easily be because of the association I have with that specific name and those specific pronouns, so I doubt myself on my own gender identity.

I could give you a list of things I do to waste time and call them hobbies, but hobbies are something you enjoy. I don't really enjoy anything at all anymore.

Online strangers, like MatPat and some of my Tumblr mutuals, and various fictional characters are more like family than my parents have ever been, or ever will be. Because they're actually nice to me.

So maybe think twice before treating a kid like they're subhuman just because they're young.

#written at 1-ish am my time (send help) #vent ish #okay to reblog #child abuse #parenting #childhood trauma

[breachverse]

Hii. I love the Breach series so much I'm practically obsessed. I play other choice script games but none has come close to how much I enjoy playing Breach. I've also played the demo almost a hundred times it's Soo good!

I'm new to the Tumblr so I'm not sure if this has already been asked but which of the characters do you relate the most with? As in you would most likely make the same decisions if you were in their situations? And does that make the character easier to write?

Also would it be a possibility for the MC to be completely mute in the story in the future? I am very grateful for the fact there are options not to talk in situations but there are still times MC still has to talk and was wondering if it would be too hard to make it possible for them to be mute like Raquel. Thanks again!

Which characters do I relate to most? 🤔

It's pretty hard for me to pin point one character so I'll put out three. Breach's characters have some part of me in them in one way or another, but three charactes have been pretty consistent in getting the same vibe as me in certain cases 😅

Gabriel's determination and slight case of paranoia is something I vibe with and, is pretty much something I would love to be but, I know I need to put the work in to become someone like him. Gabriel wasn't born that way, he's turned into who he is through... well... numerous life changing events.

Rook is the pinnacle of chaos manifest and a huge part of me loves writing Rook and Bishop because they're basically just the regular banters I would usually do with my best friend, sprinkled in with a bit of madness and chaos.

And... well, Mouse. Their anxiety and hopeful optimism is, kinda close to who I am as a person in general and, like Mouse, I constantly worry about whether or not I'm doing enough, and I feel horrible whenever I can't deliver what I've optimistically promised... It hurts to know that I may have disappointed some people in how much I can write and for that I'm sorry.

But yeah, those three in combination. Anxiety is no joke, but with a mix of Rook's dark humor and Gabriel's stoicism, I feel like a wreck of different emotions that general makes me feel like shit but at the same time, I feel hopeful and optimistic cause I know whatever comes my way, I'll either laugh it off or push through it... or have an anxiety attack about it. Either way, I know I'll be fine.

As for making the MC completely mute... unfortunately, I've written Breach 1 in a way that doesn't make that possible, I'm sorry. 😓

But eversince I implemented the personality system, I've been trying to write in automatic responses where the MC just says nothing if they have a quiet personality. You can't be completely and entirely quiet, but, you can get very close to it, only saying a very small number of words through the entire trilogy.

[xxlovelynovaxx]

Hi as soon as you say "x people must reblog this" I'm not going to reblog it. That's an OCD trigger for me personally and the way I've learned to cope is literally by saying "fuck you you guilt-tripping bastard, no".

I don't care if I'm in the group you're specifying or if I'm a member of the same marginalized group as you. I don't give a shit. I'm not going to reblog that onto my dash and have it become a trigger for my followers with OCD or psychosis or related conditions. If you have a good enough point, I might screenshot it, crop that part out, and post it without the LITERAL ACCESSIBILITY ISSUE.

Also not to beat a dead point but THIS IS WHAT THE CONFLATION OF NEURODIVERGENT WITH ABLED DOES. People see this and think "oh a whiny person with mental illness who could just get over it if they tried hard enough and should be supporting ACTUAL disabled people" as if that's not just textbook ableism! I don't have to sacrifice my own well being or that of my followers for a POST on TUMBLR talking about disability stuff.

Anyway since those kinds of posts used to send me spiraling until I either reblogged it and then created a guilt spiral about potentially causing that spiral for others, or for as long as I refused to do so, to the point I had massive panic attacks and literally couldn't do ANYTHING ELSE because I had no capacity left in my brain for functioning, and often caused me to literally become SUICIDAL or to SELF-HARM, yeah no, fuck off with that shit.

You can make your point without guilt-tripping, which disproportionately affects disabled people without your specific disability who you like to pretend the privilege along that axis makes your oppressors. In fact, if you guilt-trip, you're actively being counterproductive to your point, because I've seen dozens of posts from people about how they also don't want to reblog those and make their followers feel bad. So congrats! You're actually really bad at even the easiest form of blogging activism!

I have no patience left for this shit so I'm not gonna be nice about it anymore. If we're moots and your reblog something like this btw this isn't about you, I get whether it's out of guilt or because you're sharing a good message in spite of it, I love you and you've done nothing wrong. But the OOPs of those posts, catch an insta-block, you manipulative shitty assholes.

Maybe don't act like a fucking abuser while pretending to be doing social justice and you'd actually have SUCCESS at doing social justice - but is that even what you care about, or do you just want an excuse to "righteously" rage at others and be a slimy manipulative fuck?

[icarus-suraki]

@bending-sickle no, we are not. (re: this post)

A huge part of my therapy over the years has been religious anxiety and religious trauma caused by not being part of an extreme or fundamentalist church or anything but just by existing in this culture infused with extreme eschatological beliefs.

I've had people come up to me at the reference desk and spontaneously explain that the discovery of exoplanets is a sign of the apocalypse.

I've had classmates say that they can't wait to die so they can be with Jesus, or that they're envious of someone who died because that person is with Jesus now, or that they're excited about the Rapture and the Apocalypse, or that 9/11 was clearly a sign that the Rapture was coming. Another popular one was "Are you Rapture Ready?"

I got woken up at something like 2am by my college roommate who burst in to collect her Bible and her concordance so she could prove to someone that the Fundamentalist eschatology was undeniably true and here was where it said so in the Bible.

News articles about the second Iraq war would send me into a spiral of anxiety because someone said it was a sign of the End times, streetcorner preachers would freak me out, overhearing people would freak me out, even going to my family's progressive and left-leaning Episcopalian church (just miles removed from the Left Behind crowd) was hard.

I literally went to my family's priest to ask for a "professional" opinion. I had a panic attack in her office because I was so afraid of all of this stuff and whether I was going to be suffering horrors or if I was going to hell. Politicians were saying things. My friends were saying things. My classmates were saying things. I was surrounded by these images of horror and war and being told to get saved get saved GET SAVED, HURRY UP AND GET SAVED, but someone you (I, anyone) was never good enough somehow? Unless you were? I have no idea. It made no sense and yet I was fixated on it.

I first heard about "the world will end in the year 2000" when I was something like 8 or 9 years old and I would literally pray every night that that wouldn't happen. I prayed constantly, which was really more of an OCD symptom than anything.

Every so often, some whackadoo would declare that the world would end on XYZ date and I would panic (and try to keep it a secret as much as I could, not that I was all that skilled at that yet) until that day came and went. Or I'd have a breakdown and cry about it to my mom. I had no idea how she could just brush these things off.

And, yes, I unintentionally believed every ostensible "prophecy" about the end of the world. There's some Catholic "prophecy" about how many popes there will be before the Apocalypse and I'm still hung up on that. The phrase "end of the world" was an OCD no-go. The word "revelation" would set me off. I had to take religion classes in college and that was agony. Some of my OCD therapy was related to religious anxiety. I'm not completely over it either. It's still in me. I still feel this weird spike of panic when I hear from someone who says they're no longer a Christian--it's a purely obsessive thought or an intrusive thought. I'm still hung up on all of this.

There have been so many times that I've wondered if it's worth trying to do anything since the world is going to end soon. Why bother? Why go to school? But ending your own life means you'll go to hell, so don't do that. Just keep suffering. Keep suffering. And maybe, if you're good enough and have Gotten Saved the right way, you'll go to Heaven and be happy someday.

At my absolute worst, I was working in a bookstore and I was afraid of having to walk through the Christianity/religion section because I might see the title of a book that would trigger a full-on panic attack and multi-day anxiety attack while I had to keep working in this shitty retail job.

And this shit is still inside me. I can't seem to purge it out of me.

No. We are Not Okay.

#caution #religion #eschatology #mental illness #ocd #anxiety #depression #panic attacks #i am not okay #religious trauma #religious ocd

[scarsmood]

clinical lycanthropy

Content warning: abuse, violence, symptoms of delusions and trauma

I wanted to document my experience with clinical lycanthropy so people may understand exactly what it encompasses for me as an individual. My experience is going to vary from others but typically i think people are under the impression you mental shift or experience transformation on a non physical level.

Since I can’t afford therapy (we love america) it has come back since mine is based in trauma. Without trauma therapy it has come back.

Here’s what I experience:

Pseudoseizures- often to me feel like left over energy from trying and failing to shift. I get those twice a day now.

Nervous system overstimulation- my highly sensitive nerves are more raw and on end than usual because of the stress from shifting every night and turning into an animal

Emotional ups and downs- my emotions are more animalistic and raw. You cry some days you snarl at people. Its very hard for me to control my emotions and impulsivity since im tired and have the urge to turn into an animal that can’t perceive consequences

No more late nights- my clock for friends stops at 9pm now. Typically i used to stay out till 2-3am but now I have to be in a designated safe space by 9pm. I have 2 hours from when i first feel the urge to shift starts. That gives me time to either drive home or improvise and find somewhere safe for me to sleep.

Shifts- painful and disorienting. My m-shifted mind has its own set of values and associations to objects. I notice routine is the most benefit and anything related to my bed or my own smell is comforting since it means i was there before. My personality definitely anxious wolf type behavior. I’ve growled at walls because shadows make them look slightly different

Diet changes- I’ll eat more (ig that helps the developing eating disorder lol) i now crave blood and organ meat often and a lot, along with beef or goat. Though sometimes i just want water filled vegtables.

Exhaustion- staying up till 3am every night cause your a scared dog pacing its enclosure is not fun on your body. I am in pain often and tired more so.

Friend averse- I don’t wanna make friends. I don’t want to talk to people. I often want to cut any ties i can. This is due to the stickied add on to this delusion that a werewolf is a monster and it’s better people don’t interact with those. Touching and hugging takes much more of my tolerance now and i wouldnt be suprised if i snarled at someone now instead of just being polite

Sadism- hunting and killing animals at night is what my brain wants to do every night now. Issue being. Everything is an animal. It typically triggers when im starving and never ate that day. Some days i just want to eat anything i can. Including people. I do remember that i can recognize faces to some degree but its more like flipping a coin and not a garenteed thing.

Strained muscles- my werewolf self loves over excerting itself and doing stupid things. Sometimes seizures or particularly active nights i wake up with strained muscles.

Inability to understand human society- as this continues the passive inflection to understand how humans and human culture works will slowly leave me. Until i feel completely alien and rejected from society. This often turns to anger and anxiousness. Which can trigger day time shifts.

Inability to read, write and understand language- as time progresses i may slowly loose these abilities. During shifts I completely loose them until I wake up the next morning. I can learn commands similar to other animals but i cannot understand english if that makes sense.

Red eyes- I’m not at this point (yet) but as my delusion gets stronger it’ll come back. Red eyes is a trigger state while I’m m-shifted that is 100% rage. This is how I’ve attempted to attack and kill my previous partner due to abuse. Red eyes is fun that it isn’t an if but a when. Each shift that doesn’t trigger a red eyes moment adds onto the pressure to trigger a red eyes shift. Similiar to setting a bear trap each m-shift is another additional weight against the spring until it sets off. This in particular is why I stopped having irl friends before trauma treatment. As i am simply straight up dangerous to be around. Not even a muzzle is gonna fix that shit.

Chaotic mindset- my mental alignment typically shifts from content and chill to aggitated asshole. I may start passively picking fights or in general be harder to be around because i am just abrasive. This typically is most apparent with places like jobs or with strangers. I seem to usually be ok with friends.

I just like this song rn have it as a gift

In short? Being an actual werewolf is stressful. My suicide risk probably went up 70% if this keeps up. Because living in constant pain, fear and anxiety of a world you do not understand that is working against you is extremely stressful.

Would I ever recommend someone to try werewolf’ing? No

#delusion #clinical lycanthropy #otherkin #therian #endel #Spotify

[binalakai]

🍅🧅🍏🥑 wahoo fruit party!!

How misunderstood is your OC? In-universe or IRL. oh god. okay. okay Hue Man on Earth is a story that is. REALLY hard for me to share, despite how much I do try to talk about it publicly (or at least update my toyhouse as much as possible when i feel like doing that), there's always that sense of. people either boiling my characters down to Tropes/who's the Bad one and who's the Good One. whos the character thats meant to be a personal attack on someone (none of them are) n whos the character that is meant to be relatable (none of them are PURPOSELY written to be that way) n it just. really goddamn sucks sometimes. i could talk about specifics with my main trio specifically, over the course of time that i've had Hue, Magni, and Clyde, theyve all been weirdly misunderstood in their own way that i have gotten to the point of having to reevaluate those folks n look inward into seeing if that perception of themselves can be weaved into the plot. but honestly i think ill catch myself in a bad mood atm if i think about it too hard. tldr on that; i try to microdose my story when sharing it to others, n even then i get really nervous about the idea that my story wont be valued/understood as a whole, which is partially of my own doing as well bc i do have a tendency to Put a Lot into characters once i get super attached to them. ..so nowadays im too burned out to do that :"P once i make that pitch bible, it probably still wont fix that, but its still a project im committing to nonetheless! 🧅 [ONION] What is surefire to make your OC cry? Who knows of this information? Hue) hard to answer with a creature like him. objectively, he doesnt cry. its not needed for him to release emotion the same way it does for Earth-things. but he does it anyway, or at least the equivalent (letting go of parts of his body in droplets from his eyes, just for them to crawl back to his body) it's less about "am i sad right now and do i have to cry" and more like "is crying appropriate for this situation.". after his Human arc in arc 5, its something he actually stops doing as a whole because experiencing the feeling of crying in a human body like. Actually Fucks him up REAL bad NJWKEFNAJKWFNAKWEF Magni) the "sillier" or "unrelated to themselves" the issue is, the more theyll have a tendency to genuinely cry over it. they cry when they know no one else is there to mourn over the problem they're crying about, which is why they'll have a very Stone Flat Face when Witnessing the horrors, but will have an absolute meltdown over dropping their favorite cup Clyde) Honestly that motherfucker will cry over. like....anything? Honestly? to the point where it can be unpredictable. Clyde's emotions are based less on the Cause of Crying and more about the intensity of its emotions. any time it gets overwhelmed, it will cry, and its been labeled a crybaby inuniverse because of that 🍏 [GREEN APPLE] How do they differ from the norm and how are they punished for it? answering this all together, and honestly without having to like. explain the whole plot of HMoE in one setting. Hue seen as different from the norm not because he's an alien but because he's technically an illegal immigrant, Magni and Clyde are autistic PoC that also Do Not Fit Well into their hometown whatsoever. may i need to say anything else. 🥑 [AVACADO] What will they never back down about, even if it makes them seem bad?

Hue) trying to be seen as a good person, even if it means doing the most heinous shit possible (as long as he's able to hide it/insist on good intentions) Magni) trying to be seen as the Right Person, even if it means twisting things in their favor SPECIFICALLY to be right (though will admit to it redhanded if theyre caught, more out of being impressed if anything) Clyde) trying to be seen as the Truthful Person, even if it means ruining everyone's day/life about it (it''ll try to seem like it doesnt care about being "bad", but it very much actually eats away at it. every single damn day)

#hue man on earth #HI .FINALLY GETTING TO THIS.