Or How My Obsession with Ewan McGregor Evolved and then Resolved Itself
(Be warned, this is not a short post. It does however contain a photo of possible interest toward the end).
The first thing you should know is that I am not really an autograph person. I’ve encountered a fair amount of people who might be considered celebrities, mostly after theater performances and at art events, but I can count on one hand the number of people whose autograph I actually sought. The main one being, of course, Ewan McGregor’s.
I’m pretty sure I can pinpoint the moment my obsession began. It was my first year of high school, and while I’d been crushing on boys left and right, I’d never had an honest-to-goodness movie star crush. That changed after I saw Moulin Rouge! in the theater, with one of my best friends. She managed to score a promotional poster for me afterward, and throughout the rest of high school and into college, I would keep the poster of Ewan pinned to my bedroom door.
My feelings about him were a bit complicated. I didn’t have sexual feelings, exactly, because he was older than me and shared a birthday with a relative. I would dream about him occasionally, but the context was usually theater, or performance, and not anything that might be interpreted as “real life.” I would kiss the poster occasionally, more out of curiosity than lust, and I listened to the Moulin Rouge soundtrack CD on repeat while I was studying, memorizing all of the lyrics and teaching them to my other friend who was equally obsessed with the music. I didn’t think Ewan had the greatest voice, but he was so earnest, so joyful, and so broken-hearted and raw by the end, that I couldn’t help but empathize with him and his character’s plight.
I suppose this primed me for the next level of obsession, which was triggered by the discovery of Velvet Goldmine. A relative had told me about the movie, and since I knew I already liked Ewan, I gave it a watch, and immediately felt a sense of Oh, these are my people. Just how much I identified with some of them, I wouldn’t realize for a while yet. I also didn’t realize right away that the movie and its characters were only loosely based on what had actually happened during the glam rock era, and I would assume that Brian Slade was in fact meant to be an accurate representation of David Bowie for an embarrassingly long time. I also didn’t realize how much of a patchwork quilt the soundtrack was, although I would love it to death and memorize many of the lyrics like I did with Moulin Rouge before (which was even more of a patchwork job, ironically enough).
In the meantime, Ewan’s career began to take off with the continued Star Wars franchise, which I had been watching since I was a middle-schooler. I wasn’t a huge fan of the movies, but once I’d started to obsess over Ewan, I watched them with renewed interest, until the day I happened to be in New York City during the one of the premieres. I can’t remember which one it was (maybe the third movie?) or which theater the premiere was being held at (Google? I don’t know it). But what I do remember was the incredible flood of excitement and adrenaline I felt at the thought that my chance to see Ewan in person and get his autograph was at hand.
It wasn’t the first time I’d tried. At some point (again, I’m very spotty on the timeline), I’d drawn a small portrait of Ewan and mailed it to a US address I’d found somewhere on the internet, asking for his autograph on a photo I’d torn from a magazine. I never heard back from his agent, and had contented myself with watching and collecting his earlier movies and various memorabilia like the Velvet Goldmine script. Which was why the thought of actually getting to meet him in person came as such a thrill when it seemed like a possibility.
Because I was a teenager with very little money saved up, there was no way in hell I could buy a ticket to attend the premiere, so I made it my mission to show up outside the theater as early as possible. The weather was overcast but not miserable, and I had fun watching all sorts of cosplaying fans arrive while the event staff set up the red carpet and barriers on the street side to keep passersby at bay. They didn’t block off the other side of the red carpet though, which I thought was rather strange, but I parked myself there so I could be among the first row of people to see the actors entering the theater.
Finally, the procession began, up a red carpet now surrounded by a sea of people and Storm Troopers. The first actor I recognized was Liam Neeson, dressed in a white suit. I was a fan of his too, after having seen Love Actually, and when he came our way to sign a few autographs, I almost died.
I didn’t ask him for one, preferring to let others take the lead while I furiously snapped photos with my camera, most of which turned out terribly once I'd finally developed them (yes, this was before digital cameras and cell phones with lenses were a widespread thing). From a distance, I could see Samuel L. Jackson strolling down the red carpet, plus a few other younger actors who followed Liam’s lead in approaching fans to offer autographs, but alas, no Ewan.
I would find out later that he’d attended an overseas premiere instead, which was disappointing but made sense, given that he was from Scotland and his wife was French and they had young children. To assuage the disappointment, I went to the Museum of Television & Radio and binge-watched Lipstick On Your Collar, which was very hard to find at the time. And that was that, I thought.
Sophomore year of college, I made the impromptu decision to study abroad in France. There were many reasons behind the decision, one of them being a crush I’d developed on a female classmate who was also studying abroad that year, but that’s neither here nor there. What ended up happening was that while I was living with a host family in France, I took it upon myself to write to Ewan again, this time through his agent’s office in London.
I kept it simple this time – no hand-drawn portraits, no glitter stickers, no magazine pages or anything besides a single sheet of paper and a heartfelt message, and of course a self-stamped self-addressed envelope. I wrote it, partially in French to acknowledge his wife and daughters, sent it, and forgot about it for most of the school year.
Until the day that my envelope returned in the post, and inside, much to my surprise and delight, was this:
It was a simple gesture, and while it didn’t come with the thrills and prestige I’d hoped to experience a few years earlier, it warmed my heart. Ewan is no longer my main man, so to speak, but I will always remember that breathless moment in France with a smile. 🤩
(Tagging some fellow VG fans here, but if anyone else has a celebrity autograph or crush story to tell, I'd love to hear it!)
1 year ago, to this day, my friend bought me Sonic Frontiers. It has now been 1 year of me being completely hyperfixed on the blue blur, his twin tailed brother, and all the others. I can't thank my friend enough for what he did.
I will be taking a week or two off from posting, just as a small break.
In a year, there have been
646 drawing pages (at least, saved on my phone)
2 au's (Re:Donely and Road Trip)
So many friends and acquaintances (if you know who you are, pat yourself on the back)
Hundreds of laughs
Dozens of au's I've become obsessed with
Too many times where I redesigned a character
and 1 year where I have certainly smiled at least once each day.
I know it's not that deep but those "[insert celebrity] is evidence of how people don't age when they're unproblematic" posts bug me because a) that's how people age when they have lots of money and resources to put towards their appearance lol but also b) someone could be the kindest most generous unproblematic person and still get wrinkles and grey hair because ageing isn't some kind of moral failure
Starting off the new year with I think the most background heavy piece I've ever made!
I think Rainwings and Nightwings would celebrate their traditional holidays together after the events of The brightest night. So this drawing is meant to show their cultures kind of blending together during a very joyful time.
I remember talking about this concept with someone on tumblr a year ago but when I went back through my posts I couldn't for the life of me find it - so if your reading this, I remember you and this drawing stems from that conversation so thank you!
You turn around with your baby girl and see Levi donned in a Santa hat, an unamused expression on his face.
You giggle as you walk over to him. “You look so cute!” You exclaim.
His mini me on your hip seems to agree as she coos excitedly when her eyes land on him. “Yes, doesn’t daddy look so cute?” You say in an exaggerated happy voice.
Levi rolls his eyes at you but you can see the corners of his lips curve upwards. “C’mere, sweetheart.” He speaks softly as he carefully takes her from your arms. Her chubby little hand immediately starts to pull on the white ball at the end of Levi’s hat. “She wants it off just like I do.” He remarks.
“Shush.” You adjust the hat for him so it’s harder for her to grab.
Levi playfully pouts. “I know…” Levi murmurs into the babe’s cheek, “Mama’s so mean for not letting you play with it.” He smirks as his gaze sets on you while he gently bounces her in his arms.
You’re about to playfully chastise him when your daughter babbles happily at the skin to skin contact between her and her father. Your heart melts at the sight and you quickly grab your phone to commemorate the moment. Levi never used to be a fan of photos (and for the record he still isn’t) but he feels differently when you or her are included, especially her.
“Happy Birthday Daddy!” You say with a beaming smile before you take the photo. Little babe follows the sound of your voice as she smushes her cheek against Levi’s, emitting a small chuckle from him. You’re grateful you’re able to catch their expressions on camera, the beautiful moment now frozen in time.
“Now a picture with both of my girls.” Levi gently tugs you by the waist and you eagerly oblige, briefly pausing to let Levi put your daughter between the two of you.
Your daughter continues to assault Levi’s cheek regardless of where she’s placed and you do the same with your daughter, pressing your lips lovingly against her cheek.
You don’t know it but in that moment Levi’s never felt more happy, or more loved. In that moment, he’s certain birthdays/Christmases aren’t so terrible after all.
I started to think about a 1000 followers celebration post before we reached it and then suddenly we were already at 1000 and I hadn't started the drawing yet😭. I JUST took this screenshot and there were so many new people
I'm happy so many people are interested in this concept as well:D thank you sm for all the kind words and motivation
Now Valentinian was chosen emperor in Bithynia (as we have said before). He gave the signal for the march for the next day but one, and assembling the chief civil and military officials, as if ready to follow safe and sound advice rather than his own inclination, inquired who ought to be chosen as partner in the rule. [...] Dagalaifus, at that time commander of the cavalry, boldly answered: "If you love your relatives, most excellent emperor, you have a brother; if it is the state that you love, seek out another man to clothe with the purple." The emperor, angered by this, but keeping silence and concealing his thoughts, forcing the pace, entered Nicomedia on the first of March, and appointed his brother Valens chief of his stable with the rank of tribune. Then, on his arrival in Constantinople, [...] on the twenty-eighth of March he brought the aforesaid Valens into one of the suburbs and with the consent of all (for no one ventured to oppose) proclaimed him Augustus. Then he adorned him with the imperial insignia and put a diadem on his head, and brought him back in his own carriage, thus having indeed a lawful partner in his power, but, as the further course of our narrative will show, one who was as compliant as a subordinate.
AM 26.4.1-4
there's some hint of 'no one's allowed to talk shit about my brother but me,' energy, but also generally I'm just kind of obsessed. not with Valentinian I, but with Valens. hello.
I'll probably get into Valens later, since he's taking up a significant amount of room in my thoughts, but for now, it's the 'oh! the brothers were co emperors!' that's making the wheels spin. (the last time I was reading about brothers, or people made to be like brothers, as co-rulers, it was with Tiberius. and that goes about as well as you expect it to lmao)
Failure of Empire: Valens and the Roman State in the Fourth Century A.D, Noel Lenski
⭐ I have a tip jar (ko-fi)!
⭐ and other places I'm at! bsky / pixiv / pillowfort /cohost / cara.app
“So, as you know the movie has now become a major success in the movie industry,”
You and the man beside you both nod in unision at the hostess statement, confirming her remark with a certain pride one receives after all the hard work finally pays off.
“-what would you say was your favourite part to film?” The woman asked, intrigued. She turns her curious gaze towards you first, so you go ahead and answer.
“Well I would say it was the resturant scene, since we actually got to eat real food. And if the shot wasn’t good enough they’d have to bring out a new full plate to reshoot it.” You professionally replied with a laugh.
The woman and rest of the audience chuckled along at your confession. She even made a joke of accusing you of messing up on purpose so you’d be able to taste the dish over and over again.
The question was then directed at the other guest. He crossed his legs while straightening the tie on his very expensive suit, giving him a cold and rigid appearance.
“I personally favoured doing the wedding.” Was all he said. Nothing more nothing less.
The show host laughed in an awkward manner at the short and uninterested reply. You wanted to sink into the cushioned chair and pinch your brow. Could he stop doing that, you begged mentally.
Although it’s basically what he’s been doing all through his career and people should’ve really seen it coming by now, you still wished to save the embarrassment.
Deciding to do something, you nudged his arm with your elbow and whispered, “What else? What about it made you like it?”
Ace’s face lit up in realisation and ‘ah’ed. “The Production Designers made a great job in creating the venue. They made it feel like a real ceremony. Everything was done in near perfection, the decorations were good suiting my tastes and all.”
“Oh, is that so, and what was the best part of ‘your wedding’?” The hostess leaned in closer, anticipating his answer.
A small hint of a smile grew on the caramel-haired man’s face, so small in fact that it would be hard for anyone but you and the other woman to catch it. “The best part you ask? It is without a doubt that I got to see (Y/n) looking so beautiful- not to say she isn’t always- but I am sure you understand what I mean.”
She burst out in giggles at his confession and so did the audience, loving the prospect of a real life romance that might be happening behind the camera. You and Ace seemed like the ideal couple after all. Both being highly attractive, talented and having some unexplainable connection.
The perfect pair.
“Wow, I don’t think I’ve had any guest be so honest with their feelings toward their co-star!Say, Mr. Lee, you’re not one known to form a close bond to your fellow actors but there’s an obvious exception here.” She pried, all giddy. If she managed to get a juicy reply, her show would definitely make the top from there. “Does this mean miss (Y/n) is someone very special?”
News on your relationship would spread and be the topic of magazines and conversations. Everyone were invested in it, even though it wasn’t officially confirmed that you and Ace were a thing.
Your body tensed at the question. You didn’t want people to think you were dating for real, as if it were confirmed. That would cause a bunch of trouble you had no interest in handling. All those people were fooled.
Tough you didn’t wish to call your fans and the general public idiots, it’s exactly what they were when it came to him. They had no idea of what he was really like. Sure they knew he could be taken as a bit of an oddball, not the person to gladly socialise like other celebrities.
But only those who had worked closely with him knew the extent of his troubling personality. Picky, selfish, entitled and rude towards everyone; those were the prominent qualities. You couldn’t count on the times you’d been forced to save some poor employee from his clutches.
Only after noticing your presence did he switch up his act and turn into a completely different person. Front of you he’d act sweetly, if you hadn’t caught him being horrible to others you wouldn’t have believed he was capable of such things.
In all honesty, it was somewhat disturbing how he was able to turn the switch so quickly. That’s the prodigy actors, you supposed.
You sent Ace a firm look, warning him not to do something he’ll regret. AKA, lying and saying you were together. And what does he do? He had the audacity to freaking smirk. You nearly scream in your seat. What an ass!
“Yes, she is indeed very special to me.” Ace said as he sent you a meaningful gaze.
By now you were ready to slap him. It had been hard enough to keep more rumours about the two at bay than the already existing ones, there was no need for this shit. Angrily, you kicked his leg. Which no one saw because the angle worked in your favour. Ace hissed in response.
And instead of getting mad like the normal human being, he said with a sly grin, “Actually, do you want to know another favourite scene of mine?”
The hostess perked up at this, “Yes, certainly!”
“The one where I get the privilege of proposing to (Y/n). It was wonderful, just wishing she’d accept my real one.”
Silence. Then an uproar.
“Does this imply the rumours are true? And have you gone so far you’re thinking of marriage?”
“No, no!” You instantly deny, “He’s not serious, he loves to joke around sometimes, haha. Isn’t that right?” You regard Ace who sits calmly in his position, not caring to say a word.
‘He’s getting off from this, isn’t he!’
“Oh don’t be shy miss (Y/n)! It’s been obvious since a long time ago. You’re made for each other!”
“No. We’re not! We’re really not. There’s nothing more between us than friendship. ”
———-
‘Ugh. Why did he have to do that?’ You complained to yourself after the show was over.
As you stumbled around in the corridors, the person who caused your irritated state popped up.
“Just the person I wanted to see.” You spat at him.
“It’s good to see you too, love. Since the wrap-up of the movie I haven’t had the chance to see you for so long. It’s been very lonely.” Ace approached you and tried to caress your cheek, you stepped away.
“What the hell did you do that for? Don’t go around spouting shit that isn’t true.”
“I can assure you, my love for you is very true. There isn’t anything more genuine than that.” He pleaded.
“Just stop!” You pushed him away, “I don’t want you anywhere near me. I’m done with you! No more movies together. We’ll never see each other again, okay!”
The moment you started leaving, a voice sounded behind you. In a confident tone your now nemesis asserted, “We’ll see about that, dear.”