A Near Death Experience in Chemistry Lab…
A dramatic retelling by University Penguin
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Why has my blog not been very active for the past month?
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I’ve had a crazy schedule. That’s basically the whole answer. Grad school picked up, there were problems at work and I ended up roped into putting in extra time to help fix things. Then, to pile on top of that, I got stuck covering a lab for another grad student who was sick. It was supposed to be just a one time thing.
And let me tell you… never teach chemistry lab to a bunch of 19-20 year olds. It is not safe!
Ugh.
Some back story. I have Fridays off and the lab period in question is on a Friday morning. When the other graduate student got sick, I was a logical substitute. Not knowing what I was getting myself into, I agreed.
…. I am an idiot! (More on that later.)
Scene: my college’s chemistry building; Lab Room 108
The students are coming in. I’ve read through the lab hand out twice, diluted the right concentration of reactants from the stock chemicals, etc. I’m feeling prepared and confident. I start the lecture on safety, because that’s what you do first - when their attention span is fresh.
Of immediate notice, a guy in the front has a remarkably blank look on his face. Next to him is his lab partner, who’s mouth appears stuck to be stuck in a permanent smirk. They’re barely paying attention. Already, I know who my problem students are going to be. Since I’m a substitute, I don’t bother learning names. They’re going to be referred to as Thing 1 and Thing 2 from here on.
I quickly realize Thing 1 and Thing 2 have made it to mid-semester because they didn’t bother to drop the class before the cut off. They’re not familiar with the reaction mechanism and can’t even tell me what the function of a Lewis Acid is. Now I’m not wondering how they made it to mid-semester; I’m wondering how they made it through the prerequisites to be in this class at all.
Everyone takes the safety quiz. In order to do the experiment you have to pass this in class quiz first.
Thing 1 has to re-take it three times before he passes. Thing 2 only has to retake it once.
The rest of the class is already well into their experiment when I get these two started. Knowing they’re not serious about the work, I stick close and keep an eye on their progress.
Thing 1 collects the right glassware for our reaction from the cabinet. My low expectations have been exceeded - some optimism returns to my spirit. He even sets up the correct heating apparatus. Maybe there’s hope? Thing 2 finds the right chemicals, measures them out, and only spills a small beaker of acid in the process. Fortunately, it was under the safety hood. No big deal.
Still. I’m twitchy about them doing the next steps and go over to watch. They’re goofing off and Thing 1 is watching an Instagram video.
Am I going to be a Karen and call him out on it?
This is an option. However, I’m not getting paid for this and he’s an adult. Too much trouble. Instead of dressing him down, I turn my attention to Thing 2.
“You have to pour in chemicals A and then add chemical B. You swirl the flask to mix them and wait until they’re cool to add chemical C. Okay? You mix the first two. Then you wait for the glassware to be cool enough to touch. When it’s cooled off you can add the last reactant.”
Thing 2 gives a nod of understanding. It is not a convincing nod. I have him repeat the steps out loud before stepping back to observe.
Thing 1 has been scrolling Instagram this entire time. I’m well aware he’s not processed a single word I said. While I’m not being paid to substitute for this lab - lowly graduate student status for the win - I’m not so lazy I won’t at least talk to the guy.
“You should see this next step, it’s very cool.”
“Mmhh.”
I realize from the lingering smell he might be high and wonder if there’s a rule against smoking weed before chem lab. Probably not. In undergrad, my physical chemistry professor was high for every lecture he gave. He told us about his favorite THC tinctures and said (in a full classroom) that he went into chemistry because he was into drugs. Both making them and taking them. Anyways, back to the main plot. Thing 1 is high. Fine. Whatever.
Thing 2 pours the first chemicals together.
Reactant A and Reactant B mix without issue. He reaches for Reactant C far too quickly.
“Wait for it to cool down,” I remind him.
He picks up Reactant C.
Before I can speak, it’s poured into the flask.
😳
*moment of denial* 😐
*internal screaming* 😱 🫣
*panic* 🙊🙈🙉
*crisis mode* 😑
This is not good.
It’s very, very, bad.
When combined at a certain temperature, reactants A, B, and C make liquid TNT.
Of course, the color change that’s supposed to occur in our lab doesn’t happen. I see Thing 2 is check his lab print out, confused. He picks up the flask, staring at it for a moment and… swirls the liquid.
😬
“I’ll take that!!”
He’s startled when I snatch the flask away, using both hands. When I move to block him out from trying to take it back, as if the flask is a football and he’s the left tackle for the opposing team. He holds up his hands in surrender. The look on his face says ‘lady, what’s your problem?’
At this point I become aware that:
I’m holding a chemical bomb.
The flask is still hot, so I can tell that the reaction is continuing. 🫤 GREAT NEWS!!
There are fifteen students in the room.
If this goes off, it will level the lab room we’re all standing in. Maybe even the entire building.
Should the TNT detonate, the stock room next door will also explode. The contents in it would keep a hazmat team busy for a month.
“Alright, everyone needs to leave the lab!”
Complaints from the other students erupt. They’re in the last step, but I could care less.
“You’re dismissed. The assignment will be altered, we’ll figure it out. Leave the lab - right now.”
“Like, just us? Or everyone?” Thing 1 asks.
“Everyone get out! I’m canceling lab.”
“Shouldn’t we clean up first?”
“No, you don’t have to clean up, I’ll take care of it. Get out.”
Remarkably, I don’t sound too panicked. Bitchy, for sure. The students left.
Okay, the students are safe. But now I’m holding a liquid chemical bomb in an empty college lab. To make a bad situation worse, it’s Friday. Morning lab sections on Friday aren’t most students first choice when they’re picking classes. Hence, the only lab being conducted in the building was ours. Given the bomb in my hands, knowing I’m alone helps settle my nerves. Feeling a bit calmer is great, because for my next trick, I have to dispose of this stuff without help.
Guess what I spent the rest of the morning and afternoon doing?
Yes. Disposing of liquid TNT.
In conclusion, I offer this advice: never substitute for a sick graduate student TA. It’s not worth it. You might end up disposing of a bomb created by a 19 year old sophomore with a Zac Efron haircut and braces.
I wish I could be writing more and I want you all to know that I haven’t forgotten about the requests I promised. They’re in progress. Very slow progress.
The thing is, I’m covering this lab until the end of semester. The other grad student who has been their TA is actually sick. I found this out after I told the lab coordinator what had gone down with the chemical bomb and unintentional TNT synthesis. She was impressed by how I’d handled it and proceeded to recommend to the department that I get paid to cover the rest of the semester. Thing 1 and Thing 2 have been removed from the class, so I said yes.
I am an idiot. But at least I’m an idiot who’s getting paid for being so stupid.
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