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If I’m being honest, the odds of my raising a black child in the future is extremely high because my partner is an African American man. we both want kids, and since we’re being so honest, I’ll say that nothing would make me happier than seeing a mini version of my partner running around. However, I have found a shadow to lurk behind my excitement over our future family grow in rapid strength.

While I recognize that I am generally more anxious than most people, I can’t help but worry over the state of our nation. I can’t help but worry about my future brown children. They haven’t even gotten here, and I’m already concerned for their wellbeing and how the outside world will see them. 

Are they going to be seen as thugs as they’re dressed in a hoodie and sweatpants as they walk into the nearest gas station? Are they going to be stopped in our neighborhood just for the sake of “looking” like a criminal? Are the police going to smile and be kind to my babies, or are they going to look at my young son and see the image of a criminal? 

How am I going to teach them that being a good person matters and that they shouldn’t judge someone based on their appearance while I teach them that others will not be doing the same? How will I look into the innocent eyes of my beautiful children and tell them that people will judge them simply based on the color of their beautiful brown skin? How can I take away their naivety? How do I explain to my children that they aren’t allowed to play with toys shaped like weapons outside because the Karen down the street may perceive them as a threat to her even though her white neighbors can play cops and robbers up and down the street?

Is it even possible to teach my children to respect life and be mindful of others when the outside world demonizes them?

The double standard is exhausting to think about. It’s exhausting to think that despite all of the attempts by minorities to gain equity in this world, to get equality, many people fail to see the truth. It’s exhausting to think that there are still so many people brainwashed by the idea that the United States is really free, really equal

Freedom? For whom? Equality? For whom? Who is actually free, and who is actually equal.

For many of us, we can’t even breathe.

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Today is national children’s day. As a child of two divorced adults, I decided to look for a local therapist. I have been living in Amsterdam for six days now and taking care of my mental health has been one of my priorities for the next one and a half years. I made an embarrassing bucket list for my 25th birthday. I have been visiting therapist since I was about fourteen or fifteen when my fellow students decided to bully me to the point I hated everything about me and was crying everyday. While looking for my mental health superhero I discovered how pricey it is. Maybe my mental health is not that fucked up? Hmmm…Another point of the bucket list: Do not lie to yourself. One person mentioned they accept health insurance. Great. Let’s find out what health insurance program my company proposed to me for my six-month internship. Am I like insured here? Right? confused

I am checking my contract. Ctr+F: insurance

The company does not cover health insurance.

……….

I did not expect this. Let’s not panic. Let’s figure out this. Getting insurance is probably easy.

Google: Insurance in the Netherlands

I am checking the first website which compares insurance. Sort by Price low to high. 100 euros. That is fine for a year. Wait. This is per month. What the fuck. Just as my brain adjusts to this number I have a flashback of all my expenses, of all the food I had, of shitty money I will earn in next month which does not even cover even my rent. I am staying in Amsterdam for the next six months. There is COVID-19 pandemic going on in the world. I am not insured since July. I have one more month of insurance and some stupid European card to confirm my insurance. 6x100=600 euros. 600 euros I could spend. 600 euros I could save. Bucket list: save money each month. I feel as I cannot breathe. How the hell am I supposed to spend each month 100 euros on insurance? I do not have 100 euros for this. Is this a joke? Maybe I can fake the insurance? If you work in the Netherlands for more than 4 months and you do not get health insurance you will be obtained to pay a penalty of…… fuck.

I am about to cry. I look around at the room that I have been occupying since last Tuesday and everywhere I see how much something was. I take my cigarettes (9 euros) and go outside to smoke. I am trying to convince myself not to cry and not to panic. My heart is racing. Make a joke out of it. You will lose this additional 5 kilos. You will have a greater appreciation of money. Get a part-time job. It is fine. You have some money on your bank account. It is fine. Lose the smoking. 1 pack is 9 euros. I smoke one per week. 4x9= 36 euros. I need an additional 64 euros. Sell yourself. It is a pandemic. Prostitution is banned. Do not panic. I came back to my computer. I want to cry. I cannot. Basically being a child of divorced squizzes out of you all the emotions and you have problems with crying or showing any emotions. But you are fake happy like a pro.

Should I call my parents? No. First thing you will hear. How you were not aware you do not have insurance? Apparently. I am not mature enough for this. Maybe I will start a weight loss program: Six months in Amsterdam.

So the gift I gave myself this year for children’s day was expensive insurance I cannot afford and multiple panic attacks.

AD: REACH IN SIX MONTHS THE BODY YOU WANT BY EATING NOTHING BECASUE YOU DO NOT HAVE MONEY TO BUY SHIT

Immediately searching for part time job….

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I drew this in late 2019(a carricature of my friend) that I unintentionally drew really seductive,

I redrew it earlier this day so

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I think the redraw looks a THOUSAND times better

I’ll be honest, I’m not a big fan of the light of the fire

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