January 2022
Home, or Time Travel
I drove home today
as I’ve done a thousand times
the same streets, the same signs
the same buildings with the same lights
and the same people still inside
I drove home today
half-expecting everything to be as I left it
I guess you could say I indulged myself
I drove home today
up the same state highway
I saw myself on the sidewalk to my right
out for the run I used to go on every night
I slowed to a stop at the same traffic light
and turned the corner, the same corner
I passed by the same neighbors
with the same lawn ornaments
I drove home today
and from the outside, it looked
like home was still there where I left it
and I guess you could say I indulged myself
because for a moment, I chose to believe
we were all still inside
in the same yellow farmhouse
on the same quiet street
and there were the four sets of windows
and the large, glass front door
and our lives still existed behind them
I drove home today
and all at once, three years were erased
all that’s happened never happened
all that’s different never changed
how could it, when all of this is still the same?
I drove home today
and wondered how it is that no one knows
all along, time travel was as simple as this
I passed by the same yellow farmouse
on the same quiet street
and told myself I’d pull into the driveway
promised myself that if I walked inside
everything would be as I left it
I drove home today
knowing I’d find him there
in the home office, working
but never too busy to look up and smile at me
ask me how am I doing?
and what would I like to talk about?
I drove home today
believing I’d find her there
in her dream kitchen, preparing
a gourmet, homemade spread for guests
and I actually wished she’d send me
out to run an errand, another errand
the same way she always had
I drove home today
pretending I’d find myself there, too
that purer me, the inspired me
that healthier, happier, still so hopeful me
but the image of my bedroom was blurry
and I realized the memory was skewed
I drove home today
seeing ghosts
evoking memories
reliving the past
and as I drove away, I was forced to recognize
that all of this was only that
and we can never get back what we once had
all that’s gone is gone
a life that ends is really over
a house can stay the same
but home never lingers
so though it may be the same yellow farmhouse
on the same quiet street
today, there was a tree lit up inside
and I saw that those same walls
now hold some other people’s lives
I drove home today
but home was no longer where I left it
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Date: Sometime in 1999.
As a poor child growing up, I was made to feel inferior about the size of my parents’ house. It was called “cheap and small” by my comfortable middle and upper middle class schoolmates who lived in newly manufactured neighborhoods with cutesy names and brick mailboxes.
I remember in high school feeling ashamed when at the lunch table one day, a kid was talking about how he hated living in this small house (that was around the size of my own) while his family built their new home. My “best” friend took the liberty of saying “X’s house is like that, you basically walk in and you’re practically outside already.” Up until that point, I had no idea she was judging me over my house.
High school was the first time I realize that even your friends looked down upon you. That we’re not all middle class. That her nice lawyer father looked down upon us uneducated. That her own home which needed repairs and was never really clean was still superior to my own, even though my own was tidy.
Now, as an adult, I feel so sad that we no longer own my childhood home. My father decided to go gambling instead of paying the bills around 2005ish. My childhood is gone forever. And I can’t afford a mortgage by myself.
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This is my childhood home. I lived here for about 20 years and it’s been up for sale for about 1 year now.
No one told me that letting go of a home could be such a grieving experience. Now, I find myself desperately trying to hold onto every single moment that this house possesses. Including sunsets; this is the last sunset I’ve seen in my house.
Beautiful yet painful nonetheless.
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Horizon
Right, here is the English translation. It doesn't rhyme, so it's a little hard on the ear, but I hope you can enjoy the imagery!
I was here, my toes between sand.
At the southpoint of the world my name is branded.
For old times sake let my hair blow in the wind
And enclosed Bloubergstrand in my heart.
Look behind and see Table Mountain's cloak
Of cloud and mist; the Devil's suffering.
Van Honk sits on top and smokes for his life.
In battle with old Satan, the mountain peak forgotten.
For the last time the salt smell clings to the air.
See farmlands of plants of the sweet winefruit.
The mountains surrounding take turns to step.
The lands between gorges joined together like cloth.
The road is lifted to a big mountain's belly
And we shoot through the tunnel that makes daylight fade.
After minutes of quiet echo driving, slightly anxious,
The sun shines bright white, forever faithful.
Mountains melt beside us, but come to a stop
As the sun slowly crawls towards the world's top.
Among dry bushes lie Karoo village dew
Pockets of memories that envelope love.
White clouds roll lazily over the ocean of colour,
Of green, yellow, red, purple-gray that ignores borders.
The breaking waves form white down grass.
The power cords follow and keep watch from their mast.
Train tracks come and go; smoke the countryside through.
Past flat grasses, bushes, sandsoil that lubricates dust.
One peeks at mountains over the horizon, and they peek back,
Mountains that are bluer than the sky.
When one stops, the brids' chatter trills.
A one tooth man weaves baskets for some money.
A long road where thoughts wander and slip over boulders
Through ghost towns' streets of old tar and stone.
Matjiesfontein lies forgotten and abandoned.
Beaufort-West's balconies whisper glory to the streets.
Uniondale's ghost remains a laughing evil.
Hanover's white letters lay mixed up on the hill.
Tarred roads break open again to a aeroplane's view.
Wrinkled mountains bear marks of old Earth's moods.
Three Sisters on their thrones, forever cursed
To glare at our passing and to seek mortality.
Yellow grass turns green as the rain regions switch
In our endless journey to where the cloud sources hide.
White clouds in the sky the nearest to snow we get
So far north of Sutherland, that gets an excess of chill.
Trees become bundles 'come rows, like the houses around,
Before the pattern evaporates to grassy plateus in the sun again.
The clouds are still trapped in the distance,
But the cluster has grown in their togetherness.
They form dark clumps that float before the sun,
But when the clouds open, a pool's eyewink would show.
The green becomes richer, the blue ever grayer,
Then the clouds pour down as if they're going to fall out of the sky.
Blue becomes purple while the rain drags through the distance.
Like a new day, the sun comes to break over the flatland.
Dusty wildfire is smelled; 'tis out of season.
Mixes red and white and black with blue and yellow and green.
My eyes follow the pebbles, become rocks become homes.
The houses grow large and form cities for kings.
The line in the distance has now come closer,
The sun that had led us, now under the horizon.
Stars collect bright and become lights along the street.
The street that were wild, now stand pretty in rows.
Bridges over rivers now are bridges o'er gray tar roads.
Every road winds to end, if the end ever comes.
The route grows familiar, time and space is tangible now.
The sun vanishes, it knows its work is done.
The adventurers enter their home; finally arrived
At their endpoint, their home, on the edge of the horizon.
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