What I Remember From The Time Of My Mum’s Death 💔 - 18/06/2021
I was 6 years old when my Mum died in 1998 so I don’t really remember her and only remember a few things from the time of her death.
My Dad coming to pick me up from my Granny’s and talking to the rest of the family in the kitchen without me. I remember continuing to play in the lounge and thinking it was strange they shut the door. Obviously I realise now he was either telling them my Mum died or talking about it.
I remember going home with my Dad and he sat me on his lap and told me my Mum had died.
He said along the lines of “You know Mummy was really poorly, well she’s died” or “she’s gone”. I don’t remember the wording exactly.
I remember crying with my Dad and he cried too. I went to the bathroom and got him some tissue.
I remember then we talked about how she could now see the hamster we’d got.
I remember going to school on the Monday (my Mum died on the Saturday). I remember my Granny asking if I wanted her to tell my teacher and I said no I would. She came with me but I remember saying to the teacher that my Mum had died at the weekend. I don’t remember her reaction.
I remember telling my friends what happened and I remember some didn’t believe me at first. I understand we were very young but I remember being so confused as to why they wouldn’t believe me as obviously I knew it was true. I guess it was hard to comprehend at such a young age.
I remember when it was the funeral I wasn’t allowed to go, I stayed with my Granny. I was also told I was poorly but I don’t actually think I was I just think my family felt it was too much for me to go which I do understand on one hand but for me personally I’ve spent my whole life wishing I’d gone to the funeral. It was the only chance I could have said goodbye. Like some kind of closure. I know it would have been incredibly difficult but it’s always been something I’ve struggled with actually that I never went to her funeral.
I think I remember going to the Grave Yard after the funeral with my Dad and my Auntie but I can’t remember how long after this was. I think it was to show me when she was buried but I don’t know if this is a real memory or not.
I don’t actually remember anything else that followed this time to be honest. I remember general things like hating Mother’s Day as I felt different because I made my cards at school or Brownies for my Granny. She was like my Mum anyway but I just didn’t like feeling different or having to talk to the teacher about it. I wanted to make a card for my Mum still but I don’t think I ever asked if I could. I think I felt like maybe people would find that weird why I’d make a card for someone that’s no longer here but I think it would have helped me. As I got older I did sometimes buy her a card and I’d put it under my pillow and in my mind tell myself she’d get to see it somehow.
I think some of my grief was actually complicated by the fact I had so few memories of my Mum myself and my family were reluctant to talk about her and I became too scared to ask as I always felt like they didn’t like her. I don’t know if that’s true or not and I know they were probably just hurt for me but she was ill, it doesn’t matter that it was Mental Illness, she was ill and shouldn’t be judged for that. I think it was just a very sad situation and I hope that she is no longer suffering and now at peace.