Sometimes, the poems get stuck inside my throat. Sometimes, the words run through my mind so fast that I can only see their spectre, mere foam. In vain, I try to catch them, but they laugh; nymphs of an enchanted forest, hiding behind flowers and trees, dancing in the wind. And there I am, under the light, exposed to their mystery, unable of discerning, lost in their realm – the realm of meanings and seamless feelings that are simultaneously universal and unique, just another glimpse of eternity to me.
Sometimes, I hum a melody for you and then put some words around it. I remember thinking about writing them down so a friend could sing with me, but your sweetest voice told me no, don't do it. Those small songs were supposed to be our eternal secret. Only I sang, only you listened. The angels leaned forward, but no notes were taken. It is stored in another dimension, far away from prying eyes, far away from bad intentions. No one can touch our secret or corrupt the levels of descent in my devotion. What is the praise of men compared to the whisper of heaven in your shoulders? Worms in a plate of bones.
Now it's another season. I sing a lot less while I try to listen. I'm not very good at it, I confess, I insist—help me discern your voice in this, at times, abyssal experience. You lift me up with a kiss! I'm yours, I'm yours, my eyelids are half open, and my face is covered in tears. Obliterated from the inside out, fully naked it is. So I recite the spectre of these words I gather in the forests of my wild mind and offer you a poem. In the silent night, ceiling-staring all the time, trying to see past the firmament, piercing the skies, I pray in poetry; my verses shakily whispered. I feel you, hypnotic and soothing as fire. You smile; our secret is safe in my childlike, devotional desire.
I always look back on the times I rejected Christ because of others. I inherently chose to hate him and myself because other people made me feel unworthy, unlovable, unforgiven? And then the spree of rebellion I went on to prove to Jesus that ‘I don’t need him.’ It breaks my heart, it angers me to remember how long and how much I went through thinking that. It fills me with a scorching shame I can’t even describe, sitting so harshly in my face and bones- and I feel more bitter about who I am now. Like I don’t even know how to forgive myself, even as Jesus’ forgives me. How can I love myself as He loves me after all this time. After all I’ve said and done and imagined.
At this point as a believer, I only feel I have enough in me to love Him alone.
In fields of gold, where sunbeams dance and play,
God's majesty shines bright, in a wondrous way.
His beauty's seen, in every single grace,
A reflection of His loving embrace.
The heavens declare, with voices loud and clear,
God's glory, and His power, so pure and dear.
The stars and moon, they dance and sing,
A celestial choir, with God as their king.
In the depths of the sea, where darkness reigns,
God's light shines bright, and calms the soul's pain.
The waves and tides, they ebb and flow,
A divine symphony, that we all know.
In the heart of every man, woman, and child,
God's love resides, and His beauty's wild.
For He is the one, who gives and forgives,
And in His love, our souls forever lives.
What you pray for God to take away, means you must be willing to give it up to Him. You cannot be sold out and want to own that one thing at the same time.
When I was twenty-one, I met a man who later was my mentor
He told me that our dreams will always end in disappointment
And I remember then of just how much I was offended
I ghosted him, and never had a subsequent appointment
When I was twenty-three, I wrote a song addressed to God
Requesting He addresses a specific set of prayers
Eleven years later, still waiting for responses
On top of all the others that I sent Him through the years
I thought at twenty-four, that I’d be married to this girl
I was on and off with since I was sixteen (really)
Then again at twenty-six, then again at thirty-three
Zero for three; homie, my record is pristine.
And I don’t want to rap, I just really want to slow dance
I got too many passions, but my biggest one is romance
I need to talk to God, I’ve been running out of hope
This ain’t shekinah glory, but I’m looking for the smoke
Father… I think we gotta to talk about your “timing"
My whole en“tire” season is in dire “misalignment”
When I was just a kid, you put a vision in my chest
I’m thirty-freaking something, but You left it unaddressed
This season here is weird, ‘cause it’s partly a transition
But part of its identical with minimal distinction
My life is just a story stuck in character development
Chapter after chapter, but the plot isn’t progressing yet
Feeling more reclusive, I don’t eat like how I used to
Pleasures of the world feel increasingly more useless
And social media feeds the meaningless descent
The algorithm knows me much better than my friends
This isn’t what I wanted and I feel a bit disjointed.
The biggest dream I had seems to lead to disappointment.
I had it all figured out, yet I don’t
What do I do? Where do I go?
I had it all figured out, yet I...
Whatever. You are God, do as you freaking may
I just want to be okay with what You choose to take away
That’s all I ask.
That’s all I ask.
I just want to be okay with Your plan.
That’s all I ask.
That’s all I ask.
I just want to be content. That’s all I ask.
Ages ago, they sharpened their axes and decided carefully how it would be done. First, slowly, step by step inside your open mind, then they kicked the door like swat and messed it all up. Turning tables, breaking walls, destroying bedrooms, spraying the white sheets of your bed with blood and then twisting all the protection bars and mirrors. Now you are blind and confused and they are opening the chest of virtue, that was under your bed. They picked beauty by its fragile neck, and murdering it was so easy - then, they removed the meaning. If they can make you believe it, they will help you kill the sacredness and secrecy. Yes, with your own hands, so they can blame it on you and rub your nose against the mud, like the pig they think you always were, accuse you of the things they made you perform. Now you're horrible, they say, after perverting the design and convincing you to not stay. The chaos is the exit, says the open door, and will you run? Will you let reality be undone? Will you call good what is bad and bad what is good and lay your head at night on a suffocating pillow, blaming your sickness on the useless doctors you know will never help you? Or will you look up and ask for meaning once again? For beauty to resurrect and to get rid of that pain? Will you face duality, mountains and valleys, and swim into the abyss if you must, so you can check how all of it began? Will you be brave enough to watch the first ray of light that came through the voice of eternity? The power floating on top of the waters that would make your mind forget, right before entering this world... Will you reach out for such a glorious presence? Because your heart did not forget.
Without God, I am nothing but to return to dust: so let me be moved by the winds of his Compassion and love. By the North of His law, by the South of His mercy, by the East of His Glory, and by the West of His Revelation. Let me be carried, as far as East is from the West, knowing all of His forgiveness. Let me be settled in every land of His, meeting every nation of the Father. Let me be sent through the day and night, hearing every letter of the Gospel, start to finish. Let me be slow, nourishing as the Fruit from His abundant vine. Let me be as I am: dust and Spirit. For my flesh is only limited, and I am His. His Most Beautiful and Most High, a crafted creation in the image of the One and True Adonai. With God, I want to be His dust.
I didn’t have friends. I had no one to talk to. I was so used to being friendless. I’m not anymore, but I don’t know how to use them. Use them. That sounds wrong. It’s true though. I don’t call them when I panic. I self soothe. I don’t call them when I’m angry. I self soothe. I don’t call them when I’m excited. I celebrate myself. I am so used to being alone. I don’t know how to share with people anymore. I had ‘friends’ who were in name only. They didn’t care about me deeply. And it was a good thing back then. It was necessary. I was terrified of people seeing the real me. I was so used to being othered, outcasted. I became my own best friend. Sometimes i truly believe I don’t need anybody else. I know how important community is and I deeply appreciate it. The pain of the past can speak louder than reason at times though. I suppose I am being rather dramatic. I did have friends, they just didn’t take the form I expected them to. I’m working towards striking a balance. I’ve been living in too many extremes. Things are settling within me now. It’s about damn time. All glory goes to my Father. Through Him all things were made and all things are made possible. He is the One perfecting everything concerning me. I trust Him now. I didn’t really before, couldn’t really before. I was so broken. He has brought me healing and given me space to breathe. It’s exactly what I needed. He knows exactly what I need and He is kind enough to give it to me on every single occasion. Aren’t I privileged? Spoilt even? I have always had a friend in Him. Thank you Spirit, for being a friend to me when no one else would. For being a Father when I didn’t have one. For being my hope when I had none. Thank you. I know I have enemies. It’s ok. Because I’m safe with you. Everything will work out exactly as you have willed it because you are God. You are good. And you love me. It is well 🫶🏾