I think I’m just having a rough day, so I’m just going to vent here because none of my friends follow this account so I wont upset them or bother them. Ignore this if you want to, I’m not going to proof read it lol.
I’m so tired of being sick. I’ve basically lost all my IRL friends because I never went to school. I’ve been pushing myself away from my online friends and I don’t know how to talk to them again. I’m tried and I’m lonely. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to deal with the fact the I’m never going to get better, and that I’m going to have to deal with this for the rest of my life. I don’t blame my friends for letting me distance myself cause I’ve not been putting in the effort to maintain the friendships because I’m so tired. I can’t expect them to put all the effort in.
I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m tired.
I can’t focus on anything so I can’t even get the last bit of my schoolwork done. And because I was so behind in school this year, I’ll be doing more courses over the summer. It’s never going to stop. I feel like I never get a moment to breath. Any time I have ANY energy I just put it into school work and nothing else. I don’t get to have the summer off because my I fell so behind in school. I don’t get to have a relaxing summer.
Everything makes me tired and I feel like I have no energy left to use. But it doesn’t matter because I still have stuff to do, so I have ignore the fact I’m so tired because I’m not allowed a break. Taking a break means I fall more behind. I realize that I have so much internalized ableism, but I also know that it doesn’t matter.
I’ve also been thinking about a wheelchair for months. I know we can’t go out rn anyway but I think it would help with me going out more. I’ve had the conversation with my mom about it so I think she would be okay with it. But I just know that my doctors wouldn’t like it. They’d think I’d failed, or I hadn’t tried hard enough to get better. Each time I go back it’s always just, “you need to exercise more and strengthen your muscles”. LIKE, I KNOW CARRIE. I’M TRYING MY FUCKING BEST. It’s really fucking hard to exercise when I either faint or am to tired to even lift my fucking head. They’d basically be like “oh a wheelchair won’t help because you’ll be less active”. But at least I’d be out and doing things?? Idk, I know people say that if you think it would help, to get one but I don’t think my doctors feel the same. When I was in Paris, I used wheelchairs in so many places and it helped SO MUCH.
Idk. I’m just tired of being sick. I’m lonely and tired. I feel like I can never get a moment to breathe. I don’t know how I can deal with this for the rest of my life. No treatment I’ve ever tried has actually helped me and I’m still getting worse.
Goodnight, I’ll still be tired in the morning…