Hello lovely humans,
Sorry for the distance between posts as of late. Things have been a bit more than a bit difficult lately. As strange as this feels to be posting on a blog I have created with the intention to help others, I am struggling with my situation and am looking for outside perspectives. The following contains discussion of heath worries and physical illness, if that is triggering feel free to skip the post. Take care of yourselves.
So I am sick. I have been sick for quite a freaking long time but due to financial issues, abusive living situations and years of medical neglect none of my many struggles have been addressed. I have had extreme struggles with allergies (hives, food reactions and even anaphylatic responses that change and are highly unpredictable), struggles with immune function, as well as grueling and debilitating joint pain among other things. Through most of my life this was dismissed as me being ‘attention seeking’ or ‘crazy’ and eventually I learned it was safer to not say anything at all. I was a star student, dancer, active , and energetic. Bu that didn’t change anything, in fact it just made things worse.
I can’t hide the fact that I am sick any longer. My illness is chronic and is stopping me from continuing with my life as I want it. I look sick, I am loosing weight despite eating as much as I can (stomach issues and nausea complicate things) but am staying in recovery for my anorexia. Pain is bad, I struggle with stairs and exersize of any kind which is hard for working as a cleaner. I am tired all the time and can’t sleep. In short, this is grueling, and I am unbelievably scared.
I am seeing a doctor, and getting referred to specialist after specialist, but I am struggling and afraid. I cant tell my parents they are toxic at the best of times, and my doctor won’t say more than ‘do this as soon as possible’, ‘your results are abnormal’ and ‘I’m not sure what’s going on’. She has dropped the idea of feeding tubes, gastric scoping and tests that even as a pre med student I am terrified about. I dont expect anyone to have answers or tell me whats wrong, I just thought it could be cathartic to address and useful to ask for any advice or experience an of you amazing humans have on or around this topic.
If there is anyone with advice, answers, support or wisdom of any kind, please reach out, anythings welcome right now. To be perfectly honest what I need more than anything is a friend.
I hope you all are doing well, I send good vibes and support as always and am trying to keep my blog active. I am so sorry for being so distant when positivity is so important now. Stay safe and know that you aren’t alone