#chu xuanji | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

shamera · 5 months

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NaNo day 11

Title: birds of a feather? look where it lead her Fandom: Love and Redemption Character/Pairing(s): Yu Sifeng/Chu Xuanji, Zhong Minyan/Chu Linglong Rating: PG-13 Warning: SILLY, REALLY SILLY. Fluff and romance! 8k of it. Summary: Post-canon (but pre-epilogue), Xuanji has some questions about Sifeng that need answering, and she is willing to ask ANYONE but Sifeng.

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It wasn’t that her sister was acting strange, per say.

Chu Linglong was used to her sister’s strangeness, having grown up with a little girl who didn’t seem to understand the world around her, constantly imitating her movements and actions curiously. Poor Xuanji was always called strange by the disciples, even if the title was fond and well-meaning. After all, a girl who felt no physical or emotional pain really did get up to strange things.

But now that her Xuanji had all her senses back, now that she understood what both love and pain were, she tended to behave in a more rational manner.

Rational to Linglong, that is. Irrational to others, who now saw Chu Xuanji as a devastatingly powerful being, both the God of War from a thousand years ago, and the Star of Mosha that could decimate the heavens. Most people didn’t mention those titles anymore, respecting her little sister’s decision to live a normal life. It had taken almost a full year for the rumours and whispers to die down, even with the help of Linglong and Minyan hunting down anyone who would maliciously spread those rumours.

Now, Linglong found her younger sister in the sect library, sitting on the ground in her nightclothes and surrounded by scrolls and booklets, looking both frantic and disheartened.

“Xuanji?” Linglong asked softly, paddling her way quietly across the library in hopes she wouldn’t startle her younger twin. “Are you alright? How long have you been here?”

It must have been several sichen already, judging by the mess. Linglong was only up so early because of breakfast cravings, as even the most stalwart of maids were just starting to prepare for the day. They were meant to prepare a feast for Xuanji and Sifeng’s visit, an event celebrated greatly since Linglong and Minyan moved back into the sect to help her ageing father.

“Linglong!” Xuanji’s eyes were frantic when she saw her sister, and the younger woman immediately stood in a flurry of white robes, sleeves flailing as she stepped over the papers in her socks, making a beeline toward Linglong with such gusto that the older twin found herself taken aback. “Linglong, I need your help!”

Lately, Xuanji had been happy to live a quiet, comfortable life now that the world-ending events of the past were finally over, and Linglong felt a familiar panic set in her chest as Xuanji clung to her arms, fingers tight in the fabric of her sleeves.

“What is it? What’s wrong?” Linglong asked, hands coming up automatically to cling back to her sister’s arms.

“We have all this information on different yao but there’s—” Xuanji’s frown was pronounced, her upset obvious within the furrow of her brows and the sad eyes, “how come we don’t have enough information on— on—”

“On what?” Linglong urged, skin tingling at the thought of what might be a new threat in their world, one that they didn’t have any information on—

“Birds!” Xuanji burst out in what was almost a wail, shaking her sister. “We don’t even have— we thought the golden-winged bird yaos were extinct for years, I understand that, but we don’t even study regular birds here? Birds migrate? Should we be moving south for the winters? Am I doing this wrong? What else am I doing wrong?”

It’s been years since Linglong felt the urge to drag her sister around by the ear, but that familiar feeling was back as easy as anything. Linglong sighed, her panic dropping into mild irritation as Xuanji stared at her with wide, panicked eyes. She took a moment to pat at Xuanji’s hand affectionately, wondering why she was here instead of with her husband asking these questions instead.

Because of course this was about Sifeng.

“I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong,” Linglong soothed her, “but I really do think you should be talking to Sifeng instead of… researching birds? Xuanji, really. Haven’t you learned already that it’s best to just talk to him? Besides, I don’t think you need to. Hmm. Migrate. Don’t worry too much about it.”

Linglong really should have expected this, with the way her younger sister has been fixated on Sifeng since they were sixteen, going from aloof and carefree to suddenly having his name on her lips every other sentence while her eyes shone with a light that hadn’t been there before. She hadn’t worried back then, instead found it cute because she imagined nothing would come of it and besides, Sifeng was a cute kid himself who really needed to socialise with other people.

More than a decade later, and they were back at their nonsense again.

At last this time, Linglong learned to appreciate it better, amusement winning over irritation as Xuanji pouted and clung onto her arms, words slurred together with how fast she was protesting, talking about wanting to surprise the love her life and how she needed her beloved sister’s help to do it because he always knew what she was up to lately (and wasn’t that her own fault? Linglong could distinctly remember just last night over dinner when half of Xuanji’s conversations had been directed at Sifeng talking about every little thing she thought and saw while they weren’t joined at the hips), and how inadequate Shaoyang Sect’s library was if it didn’t include regular animals in their beastiaries, particularly the feathered types.

“Besides,” Linglong said as Xuanji nearly collapsed in her arms, babbling about sparrows and ducks and peacocks and swans and how she didn’t really know the difference between them other than visually and what about chickens, Linglong?! I eat chickens!, “I’m sure I’ve heard father mention before that golden-winged bird yaos are more closely related to phoenixes than regular birds. Especially the twelve feathered ones… I think? Something about them being distant cousins to phoenixes.”

She might have heard that. More than that, she remembered the intimidating wide wingspan of golden fire, and the heat those wings added to the battlefield.

Xuanji brightened immediately, eyes shining as she said, “He does run hot! I’ll go ask father, he’ll know!”

More likely was that their father would spit blood as his youngest daughter once again hounded him again for information that… Now that Linglong thought about it, it was far more likely their library didn’t have the books because their father burned them after their mother was killed.

“Wait, wait,” Linglong said as Xuanji detached from her, already twirling to leave. She reached to yank at her younger twin’s clothes, watching as Xuanji flailed for balance one second and then turned to give her sad eyes at not allowing her to leave immediately. “Let’s not do that yet. It’s too early in the morning to disturb him. How about…”

How could Linglong defuse this situation? It took years for their father to accept the idea of Sifeng as a son-in-law, and even now it was a tentative and nebulous acceptance. But Xuanji had always been determined to follow through her strange thoughts, and Linglong was only one person, and a hungry one without adequate information.

“I have an idea,” Linglong announced.

—

“Why.” Minyan announced as he was dragged into the darkened kitchen, the sun barely a hint below the horizon still. “Wife of mine, of course I will feed you anytime you want, but this…”

Xuanji was just giving the chicken Linglong was consuming a sad look, her lower lip nearly trembling as her sister continued to quickly and elegantly debone the meat.

“Because Xuanji wanted to know about the migration of birds,” Linglong said, as if that was a normal everyday thing to bring up that required them to be awake before sunrise.

“Flight patterns,” Xuanji said sadly, still eying the chicken even as Linglong took a large bite in defiance, staring hard at her sister the entire time. “Habits. Sifeng always wakes so early in the morning…”

“I’m pretty sure that has to do with his training and how he was raised,” Minyan pointed out. “The rest of us usually wake that early as well, except for you, Xuanji.”

Chu Xuanji, reincarnation of the terrifying God of War, slouched down into her arms on the table and pouted at them. “...I like sleeping.”

“Not to mention, Sifeng isn’t actually a bird,” Minyan continued. “You of all people should know that!”

“He’s a bird yao,” Xuanji pointed out.

“He’s a twelve-feathered golden-winged yao, and there has got to be a better name for them than that,” Minyan mused before he shook himself out of that thought, “and that’s closer to phoenixes than regular birds!”

“See?” Linglong used a chicken bone to point at Xuanji, who only scowled at her.

“I don’t see,” Xuanji grumbled, her voice half-swallowed by her arms as she sullenly glared at them from the mess of her sleeves. “Because there’s no books on them here! No one knows anything!”

“Why don’t you just ask Sifeng yourself?” Minyan suggested, ever the voice of reason. “If you’re wondering if he migrates, I doubt it. He grew up in Lize Palace, right? All the golden-winged yao did, and we’ve seen them at yearly events, including winters. I don’t really think he has any habits you can relate to birds, either. But if he does, then you can ask him and he'll tell you.”

Linglong took the momentary pause in conversation to shove her near empty plate toward Minyan and demand, “I want another one.”

That derailed Xuanji’s thoughtful look. “No more!”

“Quail, this time.” Linglong said gleefully, dodging her sister’s grabbing hands. “And eggs, too!”

“Of course, of course,” Minyan said, already standing to find his pregnant wife whatever she wanted to eat.

Xuanji only gasped, as if an idea had come upon her.

“Eggs,” she breathed out, eyes wide in horror. “Do you think Lize disciples lay eggs, too?”

Oh no, Minyan thought as he struggled between his wife’s wheezing laughter as she leaned her entire weight against him, and his own attempt to keep a straight face as he watched Xuanji raise both hands to her cheeks, the horror in her tone giving way to an inquisitive fascination that left her mouth in the shape of an ‘o’, before stretching out into a smile that didn’t bode well for Minyan’s poor brother-in-law.

“Xuanji, don’t—” Minyan started before giving up against the volume of his wife’s laughter, loud enough to disturb some curious servants who were still waiting for them to clear out of the kitchen before they could start on breakfast.

Sorry, Sifeng, Minyan thought guiltily as Xuanji stood in a flurry, eyes glinting with an unholy light. I tried.

—

“Sifeng!” Xuanji’s running steps stopped as she stepped over the door frame, her momentum helping her slide on her socks the rest of the way into the room. Inside, the bedroom was lit softly by candlelight, as the sun was just starting to shine orange in the distance, peeking over the horizon. “Sifeng, Sifeng!”

“Xuanji?” Sifeng appeared from behind a screen, already dressed for the day in immaculate dark blue robes, hair tied in place. She stopped in disappointment. She loved doing Sifeng’s hair. “What’s wrong, where have you been?”

“I—” What was she talking about again? She always felt so distracted in the same room as him, whenever he looked at her like she was the only person in the world. “I was in the library!”

“This early?” He asked, and Xuanji was once again struck by a wave of fondness remembering that had she said that to anyone else when they were younger, others would have mocked her as the worse cultivator in the entire sect, even if the words held no malice, yet Sifeng never doubted a thing about her. “Did you find something interesting?”

He took another step out from behind the screen to greet her, shaking out his sleeves, and she found herself absolutely breathless when he smiled at her. It was a soft smile, easy and full of confidence, crinkling the edges of his eyes just a bit until Xuanji wanted to reach up and poke him in the cheeks as she used to when they were kids. It was so different from the first time he smiled at her, and Xuanji remembered how his smiles used to be so shy and hesitant, like he was unused to making such gestures, and how it would stop her in her tracks entirely, emptying her mind of anything else because gosh, Sifeng had such a nice smile, didn’t he?

“Xuanji?” He asked again, stepping toward her, and Xuanji couldn’t help but give a giddy smile in return, feeling a little goofy and light as she took two quick steps to close the distance between them and reach her hands out to cup his face, pulling him down for a quick kiss.

She could do this now, she was allowed to do this, because they were married, and Sifeng’s smiles were hers and for her, and— he was smiling when she pulled away, and Xuanji just couldn’t help it, she had to press another kiss on those smiling lips, and another.

Yes, Chu Xuanji sighed happily as she felt her husband wrap his arms around her. This was the best morning.

—

It was past breakfast when Minyan saw Xuanji again, humming to herself as she walked down the garden path outside, with a general air of cheer and bright smile.

He only came to the path to pick some flowers for Linglong, but it seemed Xuanji had the same idea as she hopped from flower patch to flower patch, plucking at the brightest blooms. Luckily, she was finally dressed properly for the day, in bright pink with matching hair ribbons, outfit tied together with a thin piece of dark blue silk wrapped around her waist.

Minyan offered a prayer to the heavens and wondered just how many apologies he owed to his brother-in-law before bracing himself and calling out to the woman, “Xuanji! So how did it go?”

Xuanji looked up, head tilted curiously as if she had overlooked Minyan’s presence in the garden entirely, and then gave him a beaming smile. “Brother-in-law! It’s good to see you on this wonderful day.”

At least her tone boded well.

“We missed you and Sifeng at breakfast today,” Minyan ventured cautiously as he walked toward her with his empty flower basket. “How did your talk with him go? Did everything get cleared up?”

He hoped it did. Sifeng might have been embarrassed, but it was better than if Xuanji had gone around the sect asking random people about bird anatomy because she really needed to talk to her own husband.

Xuanji’s beaming smile widened into something conspiratorial. “Oh, he’s resting! We’ll be out for lunch, I’m sure. We had a very long, hmmm, talk.”

“That’s good, that’s good.” Minyan nodded along. “So how did he react?”

“Uh.” Xuanji hesitated, and then brought her bundle of flowers up to hide half her face, although her reddened ears still gave her away. Her fingers fiddled with the flower stems as she continued, “Uhhhhh. Good?”

“Really?” He rather imagined Sifeng might not react well to the implications, but they must have resolved that early on. That was good. Xuanji and Sifeng really weren’t meant to argue with each other, and Minyan hoped they would never have to after the decade that they had.

Besides, Linglong was happier when her sister was happy, and Minyan was extremely determined to keep his wife happy.

But still… Minyan just had to know, because it would haunt his thoughts if he didn’t. “So he didn’t react badly when you asked if he laid eggs?”

Xuanji gave him a blank stare.

“Because,” Minyan continued, “you know that all Lize Palace disciples are male. Right?”

“EGGS.” Xuanji shrieked, dropping her flowers and startling Minyan back a step. “I forgot!”

—

“Tengshe!”

The heavenly being choked as Xuanji wrapped an arm around his throat, yanking him one way and another like a child would to a doll if the child was actually a thousand year old war god who could easily destroy the realms and didn’t know her own strength, and the doll was her poor spiritual beast who happened to be the handsome and talented flying snake of the heavens.

“Oh good, you’re here!” Xuanji announced, even as Tengshe clawed weakly at her arm, face contorting as he tried to draw in air against her grip. “I have a really important question for you!”

He hit her arm, but it was like attacking a stone mountain. Wasn’t she mortal now? How was she still so strong?!

“You can’t tell Sifeng I asked you this, either,” Xuanji continued to say, even as she swung him around. “Because I wanted to prepare a surprise for him, but then I got sidetracked, okay? And now I have so many questions! But I can’t find any books on any of them, and no one is answering me seriously, either! Linglong said I could ask Lize Palace disciples, and Minyan said I should ask Sifeng, but how can I when it’s a surprise? And asking a Lize Palace disciple just feels like cheating somehow…”

“Air!” Tengshe gasped out, both hands yanking at her arm.

“Air? Oh!” Xuanji let him go, and then crouched down guiltily as Tengshe dropped to his knees, wheezing. “...Sorry. I got really excited.”

“You horrid woman,” Tengshe wheezed out, pointing a finger right into her face. “Why are you… why are you like this, huh? Are you actually related to Green Dragon?”

“Huh? Of course not! Or at least, I don’t think so? He’s one of the four great beasts of heaven, right?”

Of course she would barely remember the four great beasts of heaven when she managed to defeat all of them in one swing the last time she stormed the heavens. Tengshe tried to jab at her with a finger again, but then gave up as he patted his own chest instead, just glad for the air. Honestly. Both Xuanji and Green Dragon were far too similar in the way they manhandled him.

Seeing her now, expression guileless and head tilted at him, crouched with her arms resting on her knees, Xuanji really seemed clueless.

“Whatever,” Tengshe tried to regain his composure, sniffing and brushing aside a pale strand of hair. “I’ll let you off this time, but don’t do it again! And what question do you have for this honourable one, then? I was in the middle of something, you know!”

“A nap?” Xuanji guessed, and then laughed as he swatted at her half-heartedly. “Okay, okay, I won’t tease. But I do have a question for you.”

“Ask, ask,” Tengshe insisted, twisting his head to look at her, and then grimacing at the strong scent of wildflowers on her. What had she done, rolled in a field of pollen?

Xuanji just brightened, hunching down lower as if sharing a secret, “So your original form is that of a snake, right? Before you gained human form? Like— like Xiao Yinghua, right?”

“This honourable one is a celestial snake!” Tengshe hissed, the indignance stuffing up his throat until he deflated seconds later. He would not be compared to a common garden snake! But… it wouldn’t do to speak ill of the dead, and if nothing else, Xiao Yinghua had been a funny companion in the short duration they had been companions, and she did conspire with him when he needed someone to conspire with…

“Yes, but yao can ascend to become celestial beings the same way humans can,” Xuanji recited, eyes glazing over in thought. “So physically, you guys should be about the same.”

“I am far superior,” Tengshe insisted with an offended sniff. “Vastly more powerful.”

“Okay,” Xuanji allowed easily. “So, like… you lay eggs, right?”

This actually drew Tengshe short, nearly choking him.

“What?” Xuanji asked, arms extended and waving as Tengshe continued to choke. “What! I’m right, aren’t I? Both birds and snakes lay eggs!”

“Xuanji,” Tengshe said once he regained air, and it felt like she just choked him twice in a row even though she hadn’t touched him the second time. His eyes were round with disbelief, even as he pointed to himself. “Me? Does this form look like a female’s to you?”

“No?” She said, although she sounded uncertain in a strange way. “You look very handsome, I’m sure.”

He leaned forward to swat at her head, proud when he landed the hit even if she just frowned at him.

“Men don’t lay eggs, you horrid woman,” he told her.

She raised a hand to rub lightly at the spot he hit, frowning.

“Surely you know that much,” he added weakly. She did, didn’t she?

“I do.” Xuanji’s words were slow and sure, but her brows were furrowed. Her mouth slanted downward in upset for a long moment, and then she tucked her chin into her arms resting atop her knees. “...I guess that makes sense. Yeah. That makes sense.”

Her quiet voice stopped Tengshe’s scathing words, and instead he sat back, uncertain himself in her uncertainty. “You guess?”

“I forget, sometimes,” Xuanji admitted quietly. “Being a man. Being a woman. It mostly feels the same to me. I just feel like me? Maybe I’m lucky that way. But I was one, and now I’m another, and sometimes I forget that everyone else only gets to be one and not the other. Sorry.”

Tengshe squirmed. “You shouldn’t apologise for that.”

They settled in silence for a long moment before Xuanji’s head jerked up and she slapped at her own cheeks, harder than when Tengshe reached to hit her previously.

“Urg!” She gritted out, cheeks bright red with her palm prints, and then asked him, “So, then, you don’t think Sifeng…”

“How would I know?” Tengshe responded. “I’m a snake, not a bird.”

—

“So I’m now relatively certain about one thing.” Xuanji said loudly when she went to visit her sister, bringing along a tray of tea. Linglong was now doing paperwork in bed, having eaten too much earlier and now resting her heavy belly.

“Oh?” Linglong asked, not lifting her gaze up from her brushstrokes, her ink plate precariously close to the edge of the tray above her lap. “And what’s that?”

“I don’t think I’m getting any eggs from Sifeng,” Xuanji said sadly, and then yelled as Linglong knocked over the ink plate onto her bed in her laughter.

—

“You called for me, father?”

Chu Lei raised his head from where he was frowning at his paperwork, and tried to muster his expression into something less severe as he watched his youngest daughter peek at him from around the doorway.

“Xuanji,” he greeted, pushing to smile. He set his brush down carefully, and then waved her in. He always had such trouble connecting with his youngest, at first due to her lack of emotions, and after due to her aptitude for rebellion. Where he was once unnerved by her stares and lack of tears even at her own mother’s funeral, he later wondered if it had been a blessing when he found just how deeply Xuanji felt when her heart was given back to her. “I’ve heard you had quite the time with your sister today.”

“I didn’t do anything,” Xuanji denied immediately. “She knocked the ink plate over herself! I was just bringing her tea.”

“Is that so?” He asked.

“It’s true,” Xuanji said sullenly, pouting. She sat in front of his desk, fingers fiddling with the pink silk of her sleeves. Chu Lei couldn’t remember that dress in particular, which meant it had to be newly bought after her marriage.

Perhaps he was being overly protective of his first grandchild, and Linglong’s health was so delicate the past several years that he couldn’t help but be worried that Xuanji’s wild, happy movements might be an unintended stress for Linglong.

When the two were but girls, it was Linglong who always fussed and pleaded for her younger, weaker sister. Yet now they were all grown up, and Xuanji was wild and carefree while Linglong struggled with her health.

“Ahh.” He breathed out, smile softening into something more genuine. “She did come to me earlier. Something about you wanting to find some books in the library that weren’t there.”

Xuanji slumped her shoulders and looked down, her cheeks puffing out just slightly in a look similar to when she was far younger. Chu Lei remembered each instance of his youngest staring wide-eyed at Linglong for long moments when her sister pouted, and then looking forward again attempting to do the same thing, cute and dejected if not for her sparkling eyes that spoke of both innocence and a deeper cunning edge that alarmed him.

She was all grown up now, but finally that sweet look was genuine.

“I know that…” he hesitated, because this topic always escaped him. His youngest had been angry with him so long because he couldn’t find the right words for her, and he finally learned to navigate carefully.

“Sifeng is a good child,” he said instead, rote because it was a true thing driven home over and over again, and something that could soften the edge of Xuanji’s inevitable ire. The words felt awkward in his mouth, a part of him still seething at association with yao when he spent his many decades learning and teaching that yao were things to be exterminated, and that all cultivators had one duty above all else, and that was to kill evil yao before they could destroy humanity.

But, Chu Lei, had to repeat to himself over and over, the teachings were about evil ones. Even if his association of them evidenced yao as spirits and souls corrupted with hate and brutality (because that’s what they were), they were not… all the same. And surely, with his daughters so closely associated with a jiaoren who served heaven before, with the terrible Wu Zhiqi who was once a great general fighting against heaven but never cared to attack human… with Yu Sifeng who…

Ahh. Chu Lei still had trouble, especially knowing that his son-in-law was a twelve-feathered golden-winged yao, and knowing that someone with those wings murdered his wife while she was running away, protecting her daughter. Xuanji claimed Sifeng found the murderer, and he saw justice done with his own eyes, but…

“He’s a good child,” he repeated, resigned. Saying anything else meant Xuanji would just storm away, and perhaps not visit for years on end. He didn’t want that, especially at his age. It was hard for him to swallow down the protests, the admonitions, the words that would lead to berating his daughter, his daughter with endless potential, on choosing an enemy— their family’s enemy. Yu Sifeng was loyal and true, and disregarding his blood, was the best person he could have hoped for his daughter.

Xuanji was looking at him now, a tentative hope in her eyes.

Chu Lei hoped desperately to not betray that hope now, remembering the half year she spent away, alone, to take care of Yu Sifeng while he was comatose. Rather than rely on her family, she moved them to a town weeks away to care for him, because she was afraid her family would sabotage her and harm him.

“The books you’re searching for are no longer there.” Chu Lei said hesitantly. He stood from his desk carefully, minding his knees, and made his way over to the shelf next to the window, mostly displaying a large bronze work that hid a compartment behind it, where he reached for several scrolls.

Two decades ago, Shaoyang sect organised a hunt for his wife’s murderer, joining with several minor sects to call for the blood of golden-winged yaos until none were seen out in the wild ever again. He thought it was something to be proud of, to know that he had a hand in stopping those murderous monsters. After, he burned all works containing their name, hiding a sense of unease that was building in his heart.

Even if the race survived, if he could rid the world of information on them, then perhaps the young ones wouldn’t ever turn into the blood-thirsty monsters they used to be, if only because they would never learn to their full potential. That too, was a mercy.

There was a faint tremor in his hands as he handed the scrolls over to his youngest, who stared at it with wide-eyed wonder. Chu Lei buried his hands back within his own sleeves the moment the scroll was passed over, fingers inexplicably cold. He couldn’t admit that he spent a sichen after Linglong came to visit him staring blankly at nothing and then inscribing everything he could remember onto those scrolls.

It sickened him that most of his recalled information was how to force a transformation, and to dissect the nearly incorporeal wings before it faded away into flames when the yao died. On weaknesses and places likely to find clusters of them, families and children and all.

Knowing what he knew now, he would never again allow such a thing to happen.

“It’s best to contact Liza Palace if you want anything more,” Chu Lei dismissed, unable to look straight at his daughter’s slowly growing smile. He pivoted sharply away, embarrassed. “And… if they can spare any scrolls… Shaoyang Sect’s library is lacking on a certain topic.”

He heard rather than saw Xuanji’s gasp of happiness, and then arms wrapped tightly around him, the grip strong enough to bruise as his daughter said tearily, “Thank you, father.”

—

“I’m not sure I feel comfortable knowing this,” Linglong said as they stared at the unravelled scrolls. She had a hand under her stomach, and another covering her mouth, jaw tense with worry. She was swaying side to side as if already cradling the baby that was to come, but there was a tension to her posture as she glanced away rapidly when confronted with information on how to extract feathers—

“...Maybe we should ask Brother Liu instead,” Minyan suggested, his voice also affected as Xuanji examined the diagrams and labels on the scroll. He had an arm hovering around the small of Linglong’s back, and was deliberately staring at Xuanji instead of the scroll.

“Maybe we should be telling Sifeng,” Linglong suggested instead. “Where is he? It doesn’t feel right to be reading this, especially without him. I feel like we should at least let him know, or ask him what he thinks…”

“I think it’s amazing!”

“Xuanji,” Minyan exclaimed in horror.

The woman in question had brought the scroll up to her face, nuzzling against it with a bright smile as if she could give it a hug. Her eyes were bright as she beamed up at her sister and brother-in-law.

“Think of it,” Xuanji said, bringing up one finger. “Even the Star of Mosha couldn’t get too close to Sifeng’s wings! If the Star of Mosha couldn’t, then no one can! And,” she brought up another finger, “birds preen, right? They groom their wings, I’ve seen it! I can learn to do it, too! And maybe with this, I can get close enough for long enough to do it.”

“Oh,” Linglong’s posture loosened in relief. “...That’s a very good idea, Xuanji. That’s very sweet.”

Minyan frowned. “No, you were right before. We should tell Sifeng instead. This is about him, and we shouldn’t keep him in the dark anymore.”

Xuanji gave him a watery-eyed look, and then turned to pout at her sister when Minyan didn’t back down. “But it’s meant to be a surprise for him! I want to do something nice!”

With that, both twins turned to give Minyan wide-eyed looks.

Minyan found himself wavering for a second, taken aback by the double attack until he wanted to just agree with them because Linglong was definitely not going to be happy with him later if he upset her sister, but…

“No,” he said firmly. “No surprises like that. What if he doesn’t want it? And then you’ll be upset, and he’ll be upset because of that. Or worse, he accepts but hates it? Xuanji, if you want to do something like that, you’ll need to talk to Sifeng first. Or if you really want it to be a surprise, talk to Brother Liu first. Talk to a golden-winged yao first. Don’t just spring this on him; I won’t—”

Unwillingly, he stared at the scroll in Xuanji’s hands that detailed failed experiments on cutting off their wings and gulped, throat suddenly dry and painful.

“I think your idea is good,” he relented. “But let’s start with something else first, alright? Didn’t you say— flight patterns? Habits?”

His genuine upset cut through Linglong’s frown, and she turned to her sister. “Let’s listen to Minyan, okay, Xuanji? There’s no rush.”

“Just something not as,” he made a wild gesture, uncertain how to convey his meaning, “prone to go wrong? How about flowers? You gave him flowers today, right?”

Xuanji sulked. “...I dropped all the flowers.”

Well, that wasn’t a good start. Minyan tried again, “How about cooking something?”

Xuanji hid her face behind the scroll before saying, “But Sifeng’s cooking is so much better than mine, so he insists on doing it and making my favourite dishes. And he—! He manages money better than I do, and he buys all sorts of things for me. Last time I got a really bad cut on my leg, he went to find herbs and made medicine for me. I ripped my dress, and he sewed it up for me, too. And, and… last time I made a mess, and he just cleaned everything up! I meant to do it, but he finished before I could think to start!”

Her voice was nearly a wail by the end, and even Linglong was taken aback.

Minyan stared blankly at her. “...Is Sifeng your wife or your husband?”

“Husband, wife, who cares?” Xuanji murmured tearfully, hands grasping too tightly on the scroll. “He’s mine, but what can I do for him? The only thing I’m really good at is fighting, but he can fight, too? He’s just good at everything, and he knows everything about me, too. I just love talking to him, so I keep bothering him about everything, and do you know he’s really good at playing music? He does my makeup for me in the mornings, and…

“And what can I do?” Xuanji lowered the scroll, the upset in her voice reflected on her expression even as she tried to untangle her fingers from the scroll before she accidentally destroyed the fragile paper. She was frowning down at the ink without seeing it, flexing her hands to stare down at them.

Chu Xuanji was the reincarnation of the God of War and the Star of Mosha, the greatest enemy and greatest ally of heaven. The one who murdered all the Asura, the last standing Asura, the demon general who stormed the heavens and the war god who protected the heavens. Yet none of that felt as important as kind, loyal Sifeng who always supported her, whose gentle and warm love melted through a thousand years of hatred and agony to redeem a soul the three realms deemed the greatest evil. Where would the world be without her Sifeng? Where would she be?

She brought him so much pain and heartbreak, and she just wanted to make up for it tenfold. A thousand times over, if she could.

Sifeng was right. It was so hard to be human, but she wanted to be that for him so very badly. Or rather, she just wanted to be his. It was a feeling that didn’t disappear with marriage, but rather grew stronger from day to day.

“Oh, Xuanji,” Linglong sighed, and Xuanji felt her sister’s warm hands cover her own. “You make him really happy, you know. Just by being yourself. And I think,” here, she rearranged her sister’s hands so that they were holding onto each other. “He would be happy just for you to spend the day with him. Maybe you can ask him all your questions instead. He’d be happy to answer them.”

Xuanji sniffed, and then swiped across her eyes with a forearm, unwilling to let her sister go. “That’s not a surprise, though. I do that all the time. If I could hold his hand forever and never let go, I’d do it.”

“Then there you go,” Linglong told her, swinging their hands together. Her smile was soft as candlelight, and sweet when Xuanji looked at her. “You make him a very, very happy man.”

—

“Okay,” Xuanji said eventually as her tears dried up and she patted her cheeks in determination. “You’re right. I’m going to do just a little thing to start! But I’m going to need help.”

“Name it,” Minyan said.

“Normally I’d ask Linglong to come with me and you to distract Sifeng for me, but…” Xuanji dragged her sister’s arm to stand where Minyan was standing, and then Minyan’s arm to stand where Linglong had been standing previously, grinning at them with her slightly swollen red eyes.

“Distract Sifeng?” Linglong's smile grew sharp. “I’m sure I can do that.”

—

Yu Sifeng stumbled his way back into his room hours after sunset, having spent the majority of the day assisting Linglong along with Tengshe. He was glad to spend time with his sister-in-law, and helping her with chores was no trouble at all, yet it had been a surprisingly tiring experience. He didn’t understand how she could lose that many items around the estate and surrounding forests, but then again Xuanji had always been so absent-minded, so perhaps it was an inherited trait after all.

Not to mention, he enjoyed listening to her and Tengshe argue over proper baby care, especially since it was obvious that the heavenly snake had no idea what human babies even looked like, much less how to care for them. Still, his insistence on being right was hilarious paired with Linglong’s threats of wrapping him on a stick and throwing him into the mud.

He only ran into Chu Lei once while he and Tengshe were carting around an old crib, and the old sect leader merely mumbled about how they were both ‘good boys’ for helping around the house before going back the way he came.

Twice, Sifeng had been besieged by the younger disciples who wanted him to help with their training, even though he didn’t know Shaoyang forms and wasn’t sure if what he learned from Lize Palace would be compatible with their ways of cultivation.

Twice more, Linglong begged him to make a delicacy for her cravings that the cooks at Shaoyang didn’t know, and Sifeng found himself glad to oblige. After all, it was good practice in case—

He wondered what Xuanji and Minyan were up to, especially since he was sure that Minyan wouldn’t normally leave Linglong alone for this long, and Xuanji tended to appear at his shoulder every few minutes on a normal day. As glad as he was to spend time with Linglong, especially in recent times when she was normally swarmed with people, Sifeng found that he missed Xuanji.

“Surprise!” Slim arms hooked underneath his own to reach up and cover his eyes mischievously, a warm body hugging him from behind. “Guess who it is!”

He would have been able to tell just by her presence, or her voice, or the calluses on her fingers, or the scent of her perfume, or a thousand different things, but Sifeng played along and gave a thoughtful hum.

“Is it… the maid who cleaned our room?” He asked, not moving from underneath her fingers, and smiling as she pressed against his eyes and squawked in protest. “I’m sorry, but I’m afraid I’ll have to ask you to stand a little further away. I’m married, and my wife would be terribly angry if she found us like this. She might misunderstand, you see.”

“I’m not the maid!” Xuanji protested indignantly.

“Oh, are you not? The cook, then? I wouldn’t know why she would be here, though…”

“Not her either!”

“Are you sure?” Sifeng asked. “Really, really sure?”

Xuanji was giggling by now, pressing her laughter against the back of his neck and rubbing her cheeks against his collar before biting teasingly where his neck met shoulder. “How’s this for a clue, then?”

“Oh, you must be the dog I saw yesterday. Congratulations on cultivating your human form, but I must insist once more on the distance, since my wife—”

Xuanji laughed, loud and unrestrained, and then jumped up to hook her legs around his hips, allowing for Sifeng to slip his hands under her thighs to hold her up, steady in his movement even with her hands still pressed against his eyes.

“Madam,” he teased. “This is most inappropriate.”

“You’re right,” Xuanji giggled out, “I didn’t think this through at all, your arms are— keep your eyes closed, okay!” He did as she asked, and Xuanji slipped her arms out from underneath his so that she wasn’t slouched over his back while he carried her, and then wrapped her arms around his shoulders, squeezing tightly just once as she pressed a kiss against the side of his neck, and then her hands were gently covering his eyes again.

“Sifeng,” she breathed against the shell of his ear, and he could feel the upward curve of her lips. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too, puppy,” he couldn’t help the grin as Xuanji nipped at his ear in protest, and then bounced her higher up on his back for a more solid grip, walking further into the room even with her hands still covering his eyes. “Should I ask what you’ve been up to today?”

“You should always ask,” she confirmed, and then said, “no, no, stop right here. Turn left. No, not that much! Go back a bit. Yeah, that’s good enough. I’ll show you what I’ve been up to.”

With that, she uncovered his eyes and leaned forward with her arms wrapped around his shoulders, nosing against his hair before pressing her cheek against his with a smile. “Surprise.”

Their room was lit softly with candlelight, strategically placed to catch the glimmer of shining quartz netted at various heights from the ceiling, creating a prism of light as the firelight flickered. Their bed was piled high with thick blankets and soft pillows, most edged with tassels and gold or silver embroidery. Even the curtains framing the bed were replaced with ones embroidered thickly with silver thread, catching the shine of the light. There were soft furs and quilts at the edge.

Added together, it was both too much but also suffused with a warm, ethereal shine.

Sifeng blinked. “Did I… miss an important date?”

Was it an anniversary he forgot?

“No,” Xuanji’s voice was warm with fondness next to his ear, and he could feel her grin as she tilted her head to kiss his cheek with a wet smack. “Today’s not special, I just felt like doing something for you!”

“Thank you,” Sifeng said automatically, but still felt a bit confused. “And this is…?”

At that question, Xuanji’s tone brightened and she kicked her legs excitedly within his grip. “I built you a nest! Is it good? Is it pretty? I know it’s not much yet, but I’ll keep adding to it! It’s just the start, but when we get home again…” She gave a happy sigh, and rubbed her cheek against his. “All the furs there will be from my hunts, alright? I’ll sew the pillows and blankets, and I’ll make it even more beautiful than what we have here. Sifeng, I’m going to build the most beautiful, most wonderful nest for you. So every time you go to sleep, and every time you wake up, you’ll be surrounded by all my love for you.”

The reflection of prism light through quartz bounced around the walls, and Sifeng found himself following the beams of colour with a dry throat.The shine of silver and gold thread was almost overwhelming. With the light and the warmth of the room, along with the press of Xuanji’s body along his back, he felt the exhaustion of the day transform into something else altogether. He wasn’t sure what it was, but there was a wonderful comfort in the room Xuanji created, one that settled him in a manner he couldn’t understand.

“Xuanji,” he breathed out, tone unexpectedly shaky and wet even as he turned his head to give her a soft smile, meeting her dark eyes. “I already go to sleep surrounded by your love, and I wake up basking in it. So long as you’re with me, so long as you’re the last thing I see before I close my eyes and the first thing I see when I wake, how could I not feel that way already? I don’t need anything else, so long as I have you.”

She leaned her temple against his, and her excited smile warmed him inside, “You’ll always have me. From this life to forever. I’m never going to let you go, not this life and not the next or the next. But for this lifetime… this time just my love isn’t enough. I want everything good for you, Sifeng. And one day you’ll see just how lucky I am, to have you to myself.”

His eyes felt hot, but his chest was warm. “I already know, because that’s how lucky I am to have you.”

Those words made Xuanji grin, and she tapped his shoulder for him to let her down, swerving quickly so that she could hug him from the front, tilting her head up to smile goofily at him.

“Sifeng,” she said, revelling in the rumble of response from his chest, “you have to make sure no one else can sneak up on you the way I just did, okay? No maid, no cook, no dog yao. Just like you said to me before— if a man tries that on you, you have to hit them!”

His laughter was soft and so close that she could feel the sounds wash right over her.

“And what if it’s a woman?” He teased in a low voice.

“Hmm,” Xuanji pretended to think, but then responded quickly, “you have to hit them, too! If they try to… to hug you, or give you gifts, or kiss you, or…”

“So I respond in kind?”

“No!” She huffed at him, and pulled back an arm from where she wrapped it around his back, forming a fist to wave in front of him. “Hit them! You married me.”

Sifeng leaned down to kiss her, overcome by the happiness bursting within his chest.

—

The next day Linglong once again found Xuanji in the library far too early in the morning, in her nightgown and frantically looking through various books, making a mess of the place that servants only managed to clean up last night.

She didn’t manage to voice her concern before Xuanji raised her head and zeroed in on her, nearly leaping over her books to cover the distance between them in a handful of steps, grabbing onto Linglong’s hands urgently.

“Linglong, Linglong,” Xuanji breathed out, hair a mess of wisps and tangles, eyes feverishly bright, “I have the best idea. The greatest. But there aren’t any books in the library I can use, and I need your help!”

Before Linglong could offer her help, Xuanji continued, “I need Sifeng to give me an egg, I need to figure out how I’m getting an egg from him! Tengshe says he doesn’t know anything, but—”

Linglong looked heavenward, pleading to the gods to give her patience, and then decided that there were just some things she couldn’t help her cute little sister with. “...No.”

No, she wasn’t going to be part of this anymore. She was far too pregnant and far too hungry to be compassionate toward Xuanji’s harebrained ideas. Not at this hour of the morning.

This time around, she shook off Xuanji’s grip and walked right out of the library, closing the door on her twin sister.

Let someone else deal with this for today.

#Love and Redemption #NaNoWriMo #Yu Sifeng #Chu Xuanji #AS THIS IS NANO IT'S UNEDITED AND WILL REMAIN SO UNTIL DECEMBER AT BEST #I had a lot of fun writing this tho so it will eventually end up on AO3 #thank GOD this fic put my wordcount to where it needs to be #it's 4am tho so I am dropping off the program that is life until whenever I wake up again #FUN FACT because this was so silly and romantic and I always have people in the same room while I'm writing #I wrote this with the words two shades off from the background so that I can barely see what I'm writing #and everyone else DEFINITELY couldn't see what I was writing

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aredhel-erinti · 9 months

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Love and Redemption – Bailin

Behold! A meta about Bailin from Love and Redemption, if there’s anyone interested. It’s quite long, so be warned...

Many thanks to my dear @nieninque-nyerea for huge help with the translation from my mother tongue - I would never have the mental strength to do it by my self!

Bailin

Bailin is a complicated character... and that's the reason why it's so sad that all opinions about him are so simplified and can be summed up in three words "he's the worst". Because he isn't... and at the same time, yes, he definitely is. As you can see, the situation is complicated. It's honestly quite surprising how much people want to simplify his actions and character, especially considering the complex psyche of the main trio (or quartet, depending on viewer's philosophy) which makes the whole story so interesting, compelling and surprising (with a help of the wonderful secondary characters, but shh :)). I guess human desire for simple, black and white answers is our greatest superpower…

I would like to start with a small polemic about whether Bailin is a villain. I realize I'm being a bit loose with the terminology here, but I'd argue that he is not a villain. "What?" I hear the indignant voice of the internet – as if we didn't have enough evidence that in the end it was all his fault! (And there really is plenty of evidence.) If I may, I would call Bailin more of an antagonist, someone who is in opposition to the hero – if we consider Si Feng the hero of the story, then completely deliberately, if the hero is Xuan Ji/Rahu Ketu, then Bailin is in opposition which he himself is hardly aware of, or at least does not admit to. As horrible as Bailin's actions are (and they are), what's really interesting are his motivations. So, enough of the quibble – what is really Bailin's deal?

The answer is very surprising in its simplicity – it's all about doing good. That's right - Bailin is unable to see his actions as problematic, let alone evil, because he firmly believes that whatever he does, he is acting in the service of what is „right“. Terrible is the surprise at the end of the story for him and his subjects, who got dragged along by the unbreakable strength of his conviction that what they are doing is right. (Flying Snake is the only exception, and even his dilemma it is not about the goodness of Heavenly Realm, but about the choice of duty vs friends.) It is not unusual in stories that even a completely unadulterated villain, let alone an antagonist, is convinced of the rightness of his behavior and the hero is primary someone who ignores his motivations and constantly stands in his way, and is therefore in the villain's/antagonist's interest to get rid of them. (We could include the relationship between Bailin and Si Feng into this category.) It is considerably less common when the antagonist is not aware of his opposition to the hero, and is even convinced on fundemental level that everything he does is only helping the hero - even if it‘s the very disintegration of hero's personality. And that is exactly the relationship between Bailin and Xuan Ji/Rahu Ketu. When one looks back at all of Bailin's actions, crimes, and even wilful acts it's actually surprising that his plan isn't more sinister and his motivations far darker. After all, Bailin really wants victory over the enemy (in his case, the victory of Heavenly Realm over demons), and in doing so he does not stand out from the ranks of other characters on both sides of the conflict. What makes Bailin truly unique is the radicality and disproportionality of his solutions, which often not only worsen the entire problem, but in several cases directly cause a brand new one. And all of this happens while Bailin is fully convinced of his truth, his rationality and the infallibility of his own decisions.

And that brings us to what is Bailin really like. Bailin does not have to be inherently evil to be destructive - both to himself and to others. He only needs two characteristics to do this, and both can be summed up in one problem - the lack of (appropriate) self-reflection.

These two characteristics are paranoia and lying to himself (especially in emotional matters).

Bailin belongs to that group of people who believe there is someone after them. Who? Everyone, anyone. The world is full of tricks and traps, you can't trust anyone, except maybe those you have authority over, and even there you're on a thin ice. You can't rely on anyone - and trusting someone emotionally is out of the question! It is always necessary to count on the worst possibility imaginable and look for the worst conceivable motive in others. Bailin's decisions in their monstrosity unsurprisingly match this mindset. Why wouldn't he decide for the worst possible solution, when he is convinced that only his own alertness and preparedness prevent others from using similar weapon against him?

To paranoia is strongly linked lying to oneself. In the world as Bailin sees it, is no place for weakness, hesitation, trust, let alone feelings. All of these things make Bailin (in his mind) an easy prey. Feelings most of all – for him to have feelings for anyone would be a tragedy indeed! It is necessary to fight against these things, or rather to deny their existence, not only in front of others, but above all in front of yourself. All unpleasant feelings and unexpected emotions can be rationalized! Woe be him who tries to impose feelings and emotions on you while you are working so hard for the good of Heavenly Realm! The problem is that Bailin is a good liar - he manages to manipulate a number of characters throughout the story, but he doesn't manipulate anyone better than himself.

Such relationship with reality can be deadly enough on itself, but the circumstances of Bailin's life take it to a truly terrifying extreme. Bailin is no nobody, he is the king of Heavenly Realm (I don't know the exact title), and the ongoing war with demons directly affects him. The very necessity of winning would justify a lot in Bailin's eyes. And into that comes Rahu Ketu and the much-hated feelings and emotions. Bailin does not understand himself - or, more precisely, does not want to understand himself. He is in a complicated situation and he knows only two things for sure. First: there is a war that is not going well, and he must win it – but it is the demons who hold all the triumphs in the form of their strongest general. In order for Bailin to win, he will have to get rid of this obstacle. Second: It is the same demon general that he must get rid of, without whom he cannot imagine his life. But Bailin doesn't like to think about that.

Bailin's paranoia does not allow him to accept or even imagine any other solution to their situation than victory, preferably an absolute victory – the enemy cannot be trusted, just as one cannot trust any peace designs, even should the enemy party come up with them. If Bailin doesn't attack first, in the fastest and smartest way, they will definitely lose! Of course, he can't even trust that „friend“ who sits and drinks with him so often, Bailin mustn't be fooled! Although he might wish they could sit together like this forever...

The solution Bailin will choose is a truly horrifying display of rationalized paranoia.

He is not committing a war crime, he is just doing what is necessary for Heavenly Realm to win! (Regarding the war crime: I'm sure poisoning a peace messenger would fall in this category. And yes, Bailin didn't know what message Rahu Ketu carried, but he would have known if he had listened to him. But he won't because he convinced himself such thing is not possible – that it will be either his solution or his loss. But even if we give him the benefit if doubt for not knowing, the attack was still made by trickery during friendly negotiation.)

And it's not like he wants to keep Rahu Ketu with him at all times, so he can never leave him, faithful and stripped of any identity that could possibly cause them to become enemies again! No, he is merely providing a weapon for Heavenly Realm which they never had and that will guarantee their victory!

And he doesn't at all take revenge on all the demons (including Rahu Ketu) when he orders God of War to slaughter her own people and her king. No, he's just making sure the rebellion will never happen again! So what – God of War will never even remember who she is, or realize who she killed, so why would it matter???

All altruistic and selfless reasons! In one move Bailin won the war and got rid of all his enemies. How could that be wrong??

In the same way it is later absolutely necessary that Xuan Ji does not regain her senses - not because she could then fall in love and forever leave Bailin for Si Feng, but because she could then become terrible, evil (or rather rightfully pissed off) demon and destroy the whole world! And if that strategy fails, then it's necessary to get rid of Xuan Ji, Si Feng and Jade Cup, because evil demon, war, and the destruction of the world are all serious problems - they don't necessarily have anything to do with the fact that Bailin really does not want to meet Rahu Ketu again and face him after all the things he had done to him.

From Bailin's point of view all of his decisions seem reasonable and sound. Logical. As if there really was nothing else to do. Of course, the problem is that Bailin's perception of the world is anything but reasonable and sound. It's paranoid and distorted – the demons are asking for peace after all, Rahu Ketu's feelings are sincere and he's not plotting any treachery or attack, Si Feng isn't after him... we could go on. Bailin can pass off his paranoia as rationality only by the force of his will and his own lies. But he indeed has a strong will and had believed his own lies a long time ago.

And so finally, Bailin stands before us as we know him - in his own eyes, and in the eyes of many, the paragon of goodness, purity and fighting for the right thing, especially in a world where the enemy could be everywhere, even (or maybe especially?) among one's closest people. Bailin shines so brightly precisely because he firmly believes that what he is doing is right. He relies on his own abilities and his own judgment, because his suspiciousness does not allow him to trust the judgment and motives of others. He is controlling, dominating even , because deep down he fears abandonment (without acknowledging it) and he is not able in front of himself to call love by its real name - he'd rather dress it up in a guise of usefulness and calculation, because what he fears most of all is to be loved only to be betrayed. If that should be the case, isn't it less painful to betray first?

Rahu Ketu is the person Bailin loves in all his complexity, including the potential danger he represents. God of War is the same beloved person, robbed of everything that could threaten Bailin – loyalty to the enemy, knowledge of her past, awareness of her own self; she is ideal because she is Bailin's and she cannot leave or betray him – she would be leaving and betraying her only identity. (Or rather Bailin thinks she can't, but life sucks...) Xuan Ji, on the other hand, is for Bailin the worst possible version of the same person: she's another erasure, a desperate attempt to recreate the person God of War was before her rebellion. But this time she doesn't know or love Bailin and her will is her own. She is not burdened by Rahu Ketu's consciousness, and yet Bailin has to watch her "worst" instincts win for nine lifetimes. When the tenth life comes, Bailin panics and heads down to Earth to get her back under his control before it's too late. But alas, it's too late already – while he wasn't with Xuan Ji, someone else had been... Bailin has hurt all three versions of his beloved person – denying or trying to deny each of them the right to freedom, an independent life and, what is most painfull, their own identity. Rahu Ketu states many times that he is not Xuan Ji and wants nothing to do with her, even though Xuan Ji undoubtedly is a part of him – but it's the part that was forced on him, that he was bound into, and for that Bailin can't be so easily forgiven... And Bailin, high above everyone in his white clouds but unable to admit the truth, says: "I didn't do anything wrong, just what was necessary!"

So what's the conclusion? Is Bailin really "the worst"? As I said in the beginning – he is, as well as he isn't… but for me Bailin is primarily tragic figure. He is definitely the person whose decision will negatively affect the largest number of people. His decisions are some of the worst. But his motivations... are surprisingly pure, although absolutely misguided. Bailin doesn't want to commit evil – he just hasn't realized that he is doing exactly that. What is worse – conscious malice or a mistaken belief in one's own sanctity, is up to everyone. Bailin's actions and their appalling utilitarianism cannot be very well defended, but I would find extenuating circumstances in his motivations.

And it's not only that - perhaps the most telling part is the end of Bailin's story. Because in the end Bailin submits and admits his fault. Yes, a higher up must appear - Bailin is too convinced that the world, as seen through his paranoia, is the real world so it is impossible for anyone but the ultimate authority to open his eyes - the most powerful one and the one with "the patent for the truth", the one in whose interest was Bailin convinced he has been acting. Metaphorically speaking, Bailin must cry out upwards: I did it all for You and for the sake of Heavenly Realm! And he must hear emperor's „no“ to find humility. But Bailin‘s humility is real - such humility can only exist in someone who was not only truly convinced that he was doing the right thing, but who also sincerely wanted to do the right thing. Bailin's humility is beautiful in its tragedy - although Bailin had a habit of listening mostly only to himself, his ego is not what matters the most to him. The prosperity of Heavenly Realm is what matters the most, so the knowledge of his own failure is therefore more painful to him than any punishment.

Simply put, Bailin has a beautiful “Am I a baddie?” moment, and the most tragic part of the whole situation is that this really is a brand new information for him. What should he do with himself now?

All that remains is to drink the offered cup, resigned to his fate.

It's a different punishment than voluntarily giving up one's powers – that was an acknowledgment of incompetence, of mistakes. I surrender that with which I have done much evil in the name of good. I'm giving up my powers because I can't no longer trust myself.

This is a different kind of punishment - it carries hope. It carries within itself a new chance to get it right.

Perhaps at the very end, Rahu Ketu isn't really asking for a punishment, but for a sign of trust - a sign of the biggest change Bailin will have to go through.

Will you drink? Will you relinquish the control, you've clung to, the one for which you've ruined so many lives? Because of which you ruined my life? Will you overcome your fear and walk with me into the unknown? I already know what it's like to lose control, what it's like to be tossed around by forces more powerful than yourself and don't even know your own name - will you dare? Can you surrender yourself to the world and the people in it with the faith that they won't hurt you?

Will you drink with me?

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