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bard-llama · 2 years

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How Much Porn Does Llama Write?

As we all know, all great writers procrastinate the shit out of writing by finding random tasks to occupy themselves with. Well, I’m a data analyst, so uh... this is my random task lol. It’s called “how much porn does Llama write?” The answer: a lot, but actually less than I thought.

Categories:

The Witcher (all fandoms): 240 total, 91 explicit = 38%

Witcher Netflix: 88 total, 33 explicit = 38%

Witcher Games: 150 total, 58 explicit = 39%

Thronebreaker: 11 total, 3 explicit = 11%

Works in Progress*: 279 total 😱, 155 explicit = 55%

“Maybe” explicit fics: 18 = +6%

Okay, so my impression that like half my shit is porn is not wrong, I just need to finish more of them!!

*Works in Progress (under a cut, because the list is ridiculous)

Okay, I’m gonna separate these out by which doc they’re in, just because long lists are scary lol. The order is entirely arbitrary and means nothing. But uh, fair warning, I have 38 docs. Some have a theme, some are literally just random, but I’ll link to existing fics where relevant.

Please feel free to send me asks about any of these WiPs! I know the list is overwhelming, so sorry. But idk, maybe it’s exciting to see some of them?

Don’t Cry for Me, Temeria WiPs:

(Im)Perfect Strangers Chapter 27 (E)

Between Two Fools Chapter 9 (E)

Politics/Historical Racism Effects

Unlucky Number Thirteen (eventually, maybe E?)

Silas

Stripes Sex (E)

break (v /brāk/): to destroy someone's resistance (E)

Bath House (E)

Iorveth POV: Tutti

Daggers, Dumplings, and Dresses

I heard it through the grape vine

Fight Club

Sex with Saskia/Dragonfucking (E)

Stripes vs Scoia’tael: Water Balloon Fight

Baby Mama (E)

(AU) Hopping Through Significant Moments

And Ghosts Did Shriek And Shrill

Ves POV

Hanahaki ‘verse

"A weed is but an unloved flower." by Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Love Shack

The Better Part of Valor (E)

Medicine

PWP Ovi (E)

The Picture Says It All

Roche & Rinn: The Haunting of Barrack 8B

Roche builds Iorveth a home (maybe E?)

Long Live the King

Iorveth frantically riding Roche (E)

Fuck or Die (this whole series is super horny lol)

Fisting (E)

“Human Bootlicker” (E)

One Accidental Proposal and Five Attempts At Accepting (E)

The Legend (E)

King and Country

Wedding

Eliza

Pregnant Roche ‘verse (unpublished)

Pron pls? (E)

What the Fox Says

Philippa POV

Temerian Civil War: The Lilies Divided (unpublished)

Part 1: A Single Spark Can Set The World Aflame

Part 4: Returning to Ellander, Share Fenn News, Strategy Meeting

Second Chances

1247

Meeting Roche (E)

Dragons’ Salvation (unpublished)

Dragons’ Salvation (E)

Clarabelle

Episode 2

Iorveth’s Monsterfucking Credentials

Leshen (E)

Saskia’s Coming of Age Story (unpublished)

The Beginning: Discovering Polymorphing + Limitations

The Taint of the Common Man

Next chapter: Going to the city jail to rescue Reynard (E)

Side Story: Reynard & Gascon (E)

Kink Prompts

medical play (E)

having sex with clothes (E)

figging (E)

Cum Dumpster Roche 2 Electric Boogaloo (E)

shotgunning (E)

stuffing (E)

phone/xenovox sex (E)

Thronebreaker (this is the start of my docs with random WiPs)

Bruised and Beaten

Gascon Angst: Triptych

Expecting Punishment Angst

First Time All Around/Spin the Bottle

Shit Gascon Says (maybe E?)

Gascon’s Love

Meve’s Jealousy

Soulmarks (maybe E?)

The Hat: A Halo of Happiness (E)

Hobbies

Never Have I Ever

Everyone Needs a Friend

General Fine Ass (maybe E?)

Bathing (E)

Love Potion #9 (E)

Reynard’s Restraint/Chastity Device (E)

Reynard gets daring/troll fucking (E)

Shupe the Troll (E)

Nekker Breeding (E)

Tentacles (E)

Gangbang (E)

Inexperienced Gascon (E)

Meditative BJs (E)

Roleplay (E)

Reynard noncon monster (E)

Meve/Gascon (maybe E?)

Meve/Reynard (E)

Gascon first time (E)

The Shovel Talk

Teasing Cock (E)

Collars | Gags | Hypnosis/Mind Control (maybe E?)

Dacryphilia | Dirty Talk | Sounding (E)

Predicament Bondage | Aphrodisiacs | Breeding (E)

Pegging | Spanking | Orgasm Denial (E)

“I’m in love with them! What am I supposed to do?”

Bard Iorveth

Story: Anais’ Temeria

Story: Adda’s Temeria

Rorveth Consolidated

Aging Sucks (E)

Chastity device/Orgasm control (E)

Eskel/Lambert (E)

Fire Breathing

Sequel to Never Have I Ever

Iorveth Gangbang (E)

Migraine

How to Fluster an Elf chapter 5

An unexpected kiss that shocks the one receiving it

Wet kisses after finding refuge from the rain (E)

An accidental brush of lips followed by a pause and going back for another, on purpose

“You were almost dead from pushing it too far!”

“If we’re both in this state, we both really screwed up somewhere huh?”

Photo prompt: Cabin (E)

Photo Prompt: Servia-art (tumblr)

Composing

Look me in the eyes and tell me what you like (E)

Oops, Wrong Room (E)

Dat Booty (probably E?)

Flirting

Roche + Northern Monarchs and/or Lodge of Sorceresses (E)

Rorveth

Alternate World

Sexy Pose (E)

“If you wanted to be fucked, all you had to do was ask” (E)

Roche the Novelist (probably E?)

Dubcon Iorveth desperate (E)

Iorveth tries to make Roche believe he is loved

Elf-Lover Roche (E)

Proxy Settlement (E)

Saskia/Iorveth + Roche (E)

Surefire Harm Chapter 4

Size Queens (E)

“If you wanted to be fucked, all you had to do was ask” Iorveth fucking Roche (E)

Iorveth Taken In Front of Stripes Chapter 2 (E)

Goodbye Love

Iorveth vs the Clarabelle

Foltest + Roche share Roche’s Pet Chapter 2 (E)

The Morning After (E)

Pegging | Spanking | Orgasm Denial (E)

Toying with Love: Next Morning

Senses

A Week of Senses

Waiting in the meadow (probably E?)

Sexy Fics

Saskia + Iorveth fuck buddies: Roche Voyeur (E)

Iorveth desperate to be filled (E)

Sleepy Morning Cuddles

Veronica (E)

CNC Forced to Enjoy (E)

Daydreaming (E)

Sex Ed Lessons for the Stripes and Scoia’tael (E)

Plug Under Clothes (E)

Of Ownership, Trauma, and (Mis)Communication Chapter 3 (E)

Desperate Roche (E)

Petplay Humping (E)

Bathing Encounter (E)

Fake Dating + Gay Chicken

Secret Jewelry

Iorveth/Saskia +/- Half-Dwarf Roche

Mommy Kink + Lactation Kink (E)

Pussy Spanking (E)

Triss/Philippa/Saskia (E)

For Our Love, We Are Doomed Part 2

Ruined for dh’oine (E)

DubCon Roche as Scoia’tael Prisoner Chapter 3 (E)

Iorveth as date for “family” event (E)

Chasing Death’s Door

An ill-favour’d thing, sir, but mine own.

Cum Dumpster Roche (E)

Possessiveness + Scent Kink (maybe E?)

Slime (E)

In Vino Veritas (E)

The First Seeds of Trust Chapter 2 (E)

He’s Mine (maybe E?)

Dream: Pleasure Slave (E)

Roche wears a collar (probably E)

Tonguefucking the dick (E)

At The Day's End Chapter 4 (E)

Aftermath/Omo (E)

Beltane (E)

Iorveth wants the D Chapter 3 (E)

Foltest Shows Off His Whore (And Iorveth Steals Him) (E)

Cock Worship (probably E)

Mersquid Iorveth Porny Porn (E)

Oblivious Roche (E)

Iorveth in Heat (E)

Love Breeds Love: Elven Biology (E)

Nipple Play (E)

Omo? (E)

Watersports (E)

Squirting (E)

Post-Pregnancy, Next Breeding (E)

Rare Pair Bingo

Bakery AU

But they were both [tops/bottoms] (probably E)

Rusted Iron (Wolf) Chapter 3 (E)

Lambert’s Guide on How To Get It On (E)

Siren Iorveth + Sea Captain Roche (E)

Saskia/Roche/Iorveth Chapter 3 (E)

Accidental Voyeurism Chapter 3 (E)

Time travel (E)

Bitter Exes Zoltan and Iorveth

Foltest Fics

First time Torture + Revenge

Foltest/Vernon/Triss (E)

Vernon’s Complicated Relationship Web Chapter 2

Eye of the Storm Chapter 7

Prompts

Iorveth scared he got Roche preggars Chapter 4 (E)

Skellige Sequel (maybe E?)

stroking their leg (E)

Post-coital after first time (E)

Wedding Buddies (E)

Hands (E)

Soap Opera of Love

Triss + Philippa High Five

Scenes from Another World

Old Men in Vergen (E)

Language Aphasia/Deal with the Devil

The Portrait of Cirilla Fiona Elen Riannon Chapter 3

Take Two: Scoia'tael newbie POV

Pleading with a voice so sore that it's barely audible

Life Debt aka Iorveth is an Asshole

That Damn Chaperon (E)

Paying for Sex (E)

Body Swap With Future Self Chapter 3 (E)

Zweihander (E)

Commander Roche’s Secret Lover Chapter 4 (E)

Standalone One-offs Iorveth/Roche

Post-coital smoke (E)

Angst: Sex object Roche (probably E)

Midwinter Feast

Solstice Feast (E)

Next Year (E)

Lily Preserved in Amber

Character taking (consensual, though not always verbally stated) control of the other character and character B just letting go and enjoying themselves (E)

Impact play or bondage? Just Roche tied up (E)

Based on Moonlight’s art

Can’t We All Just Get Oolong? Chapter 3

Roche’s Scars

Vernon Roche of the Scoia’tael Chapter 3

Sequel to Eggs for Your Help Chapter 4 (E)

Cat’s Outta The Bag Chapter 4

Intermission: He Chose Me (E)

Gifts for Stripes (Thirteen’s POV)

Geralt/Iorveth/Roche (E)

Private Time (E)

To Weave the Strands of Fate Chapter 2

Inexperienced Iorveth (E)

Casefic/Undercover Dubious Consent (E)

Angst

Stripes Family Fun

Ves

Kiss From a Rose/5 Things I Hate About You (And 1 Reason Its All Worth It)

Sequel to Red is the Rose (probably E)

First Time Rimming (E)

King Roche

Post W3 Becoming Terrorists Together

Pre-W2 Ambassadorial AU

Leap of Faith Chapter 6 (E)

Sugar and Spice Bingo

Sharing the Brain Cell

Flower Crowns Chapter 7

Orificial Business Chapter 2 (E)

Sounding Chapter 3 (E)

Iorveth/Roche (my very first doc for them!)

Curse Breaking

Coffeeshop AU

Roche POV Bloodplay

Iorveth investigates Roche

Eye on You Chapter 3 (E)

Fake Relationship

The Chase Chapter 3

Every Kiss Begins With Kayran Chapter 5 (E)

5+1 Foltest vs Iorveth (+ Kayran) (probably E)

Pining and Poignards Chapter 5 (E)

Iorveth tittyfucking Roche

Dirty Gremlin Man Chapter 3 (E)

Want me to sit in your lap? (E)

Flirting Letters

Foltest/Roche –> Iorveth/Roche (E)

Letters

Original Iorveth/Roche Identity Porn?

Part One – Meeting (E)

Gwent, The Good Old Game

Story Chapter 4

Gwent Game in Corvo Bianco (maybe E)

Dijkstra + Roche

Noticing Roche’s Fucked Up Relationship

Developing Respect Fic

Isendain

First Time (E)

Sex Pollen/Diplomatic Orgy (E)

Reasons of State

Breeding Soft (E)

Breeding PWP (E)

Love Breeds Love side stories: The Beginning (E)

Milking (E)

Get Together Post-Reasons of State

Dijkstra

Tentacle sex (E)

Meet Cute Angst

There Was Only One Bed: Reynard/Gascon (E)

There Was Only One Bed: Reynard/Meve (E)

Laiden

Body worship post W3 (E)

He gets really comfy and relaxed and he just starts kneading Lambert's tits and trying to suck on them (E)

Friendly Fire (E)

jfc that’s so many oh my god

#rorveth #throne3 #isendain #laiden #lamden #iorveth x roche #meve x reynard x gascon #isengrim x eldain #lambert x aiden #geralt x iorveth x roche #WiPs #all the wips #my fics #the witcher

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estebanbicon · 4 years

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Welcome to Bullet Club maybe kicking Jay out: Electric Boogaloo

(part 1) (part 2)

This will probably focus more on Bullet Club as its own, based on the recent events.

I wanna preface this with some additions I made to the past post, since I think they are very important regarding Jay and Bullet Club.

After failing at WK, Kenta challenged for Naito’s two belts. During the build-up to that match, Jay said: “Bullet Club is tighter than ever! TIGHTER THAN EVER!” which like, to me, sounded dangerously close to “The Bullet Club is FINE!”

Kenta also tweeted this:

Which made me even more suspicious. This extra emphasis of holding together in BC - one of the factions with a rich history on kicking out leaders, and just having gone through a “Civil War” within their own faction - is a bit weird, but alright.

Kenta also failed to obtain the belts, but that will come up again later.

NJPW uploaded both interviews with Tama and Jay (end of May/June), both which had very interesting moments.

Which at first glance makes one assume that Tama and Jay have no trouble between them. But when Tama played word association with wrestlers, he weirdly did this when Jay’s name came up:

Him saying more about Robbie, who betrayed them, than Jay, their own leader? It seems like something isn’t right between them. Maybe it never was, since Jay seems very disconnected from BCOG (Tama, Tanga, Fale) (part 2). He ended his interview as follows:

The emphasis on “evolving” is now given an even huger meaning with both EVIL and Dick Togo joining the faction. Before I dive deeper into that, though, I wanted to also highlight some parts of Jay’s interview.

In my opinion, I often saw a pecking order in Bullet Club. It was always clear who the leader was; and that leader made nearly all of the decisions. Jay, on the other hand, seems far too passive, and, for the lack of a better expression, “good willing”, to truly keep that pecking order in place.

The last sentence here also is a huge indicator of Jay’s character: he is adaptive. He was able to fight along CHAOS (though with tensions, certainly), fight along with Bullet Club members. While there is no doubt his chemistry with BC is better than with CHAOS, he still doesn’t fit in completely. In that sense, he reminds me of Kenny, who also never quite fit as BC leader.

The “same page” meant here is their common enemy in Okada and CHAOS as a whole, I presume. That obviously shifted as soon as Naito became double champ, and certainly even more now that EVIL obtained both belts. I doubt that this same page still exists now.

After Tama’s interview, Jay posted this:

I have talked about Jay’s strife for validation and affirmation, but this is one of the most obvious forms he’s ever done it in. And as far as I know, not a single BC member re-affirmed him in his statement.

There have been several hints dropped that Anderson and Gallow might rejoin NJPW, which most likely will mean rejoining BC, which even more strengthens BCOG. Now with EVIL and Dick Togo joining as well, I can easily see yet another divide caused in BC.

Tama tweeted this today:

This feels like already denouncing Jay as their leader. While it maybe just is Tama, it feels like a pattern.

BC has many dominant people, and with such a huge faction, it is just a matter of time until they clash again. Especially now with EVIL, who did what both Jay and Kenta failed to do: be the double champ.

Since BC and Suzuki Gun are the only two heel stables, I can see why EVIL rather chose BC. I do, however, think that him joining BC was more about dethroning Naito and emerging out of LIJ’s shadows than truly believing that BC is the best.

Personally I think that a divide will follow, splitting BC into two groups:

BCOG: Tama, Tanga, Fale, Chase, Anderson and Gallows (who will probably return), and maybe Chase and/or Yujiro (early members)

BC: Evil, Dick Togo, Gedo, Jado, Taiji

I am, however, not sure on those members, since they could go either way: Jay, Kenta, ELP.

NJPW could very easily make BCOG once again a complete gaijin factioon, though I am not really sure who that would benefit.

Something I am sure of, though, is that Jay’s days as leader will probably not continue much longer.

#once again this is very subjective so #if i am wrong or you have sth to add pls go ahead <3 #jay white #bullet club #njpw

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thanksjro · 4 years

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Telefunken, A Prequel to Eugenesis: The Future Is Obsessed With Making Babies

All These Materials, And I Still Had To Keep The Wiki Open The Whole Time

This short story was included with the secondary publication of Eugenesis, which happened in 2007, six years after the first run. Yep. He had multiple publication runs. Back when you had to actually go and talk to people about what you wanted published instead of doing everything online. For a novel-length fan fiction about murdering space robots and then having them give birth to tentacle monsters.

I wish I had the friggin’ brass balls Roberts does.

Telefunken as a term doesn’t mean anything in any language, but that doesn’t mean we can’t gain any sort of understanding using context clues.

Tele- as a part of Greek, means “from a distance.” So whatever’s happening is far off. In the future, perhaps? The pre-story quotes certainly seem to imply such a thing.

A couple hundred years into the future, actually. With a list like that, one has to wonder just who the hell can get into Maccadam’s these days.

Funken itself actually is a word- it’s German for spark. So “from a distance” + “spark”. Alright, let’s see where this goes.

Is… is this someone trying to convince someone else to read Eugenesis? Is Roberts making the space robots read this batshit story? Is he threatening them? Because making someone read an entire book’s worth of slaughter of their race sort of feels like a threat.

Okay, moving on to actual story, our narrator starts the day by blinding himself. He turns the input on his optics all the way up and stares at the sun.

I don’t know why.

Once he’s done that, he reflects on the nature of change, and how some things just can’t be fixed.

I see we’ve hit our fascist phase. Because they’re only allowed to enjoy the rejuvenation of the planet if they’re wearing Prowl’s face on their chest, right?

Our narrator seems to have an alternate take on the walls, though- seems more like they’re trying to keep the citizens in as opposed to the ruffians out.

Scene jump, and we’re in the middle of a conversation between two folks about some guy who killed an Autobot and fled. Yeah, no one with dialogue has been properly identified as of yet. All I know currently is that one of the conversationalists is a commander. Something tells me Nightbeat’s involved with the scene.

But that’s just a hunch.

So, looks like the Transformers had a little more room for the war buffet after all, because they’ve had at least two named squabbles in the last couple centuries. Hence, our narrator is off to try and corroborate a rumor that Galvatron is still kicking around.

He heads through the religious sector to get downtown, lamenting that Iacon’s been reduced to a military city-state in order to keep some façade of peace going on. He didn’t go through the hell that was the Eugenesis Wars for this.

Ooh, a dash of fantastic racism to really bring out the acidic taste of Orson Welles 1984. Maybe this is Prowl, actually, which would explain why he hasn’t been explicitly named. Would kind of ruin the whole end of the novel, wouldn’t it?

I’m not saying it’s Prowl because of the racism. More the clean dividing of folks into categories and statistical data.

Our narrator walks through the throng, ignores a homeless veteran, and passes by a crowd of Creationists on pilgrimage, and with that he’s off to Autobot City 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Meanwhile, back with the guys reading this account- yes, turns out they’re outside of this particular story- more details are being revealed.

The Turning, you say.

Vampire robots it is, then.

Back with the narrator, he’s just found what he’d been looking for- an Autobot badge, close enough to the real thing to work for his purposes. He heads inside something called an “ingestion tank”- I’m imagining the fucking eating chairs from IDW2- and oh-so-sneakily adds a few screw-looking bombs to the badge.

Hmm. I’m thinking my guesses are just a bit off-base.

Back at the narrative, our narrator has just arrived at the Ministry, where Sideswipe and his boys are truly living up to the ACAB lifestyle- Sideswipe is literally unloading clips into a crowd of protestors. Apparently this isn’t anything new.

Oh-kay. So. Back in the epilogue for Eugenesis, Wheeljack made an offhand comment about Rodimus wanting to look into streamlining the biomorphic reproductive process, using the power of science. This was something Ratchet really wasn’t thrilled about- he’s the Transformer-equivalent to being child-free, I guess- and let me tell you something: if Ratchet thinks something is a bad idea, it almost absolutely is. But it looks like Rodimus got his way, if our narrator’s cryptic statements are to be believed.

Let’s get fucking weird for a second.

Millions of years ago the biomorphic process was decided to be too slow for the colonial ways of the Cybertronian Empire, so morphing centers were created, where protoforms were basically injected with false memories to kickstart their lives. Think MTO programming from IDW, but more mechpreggy. This practice died out when the shortage of energon caught up with everyone, and was left behind for the most part.

EXCEPT FOR THIS. Turns out that Kup actually wasn’t all that old, he just thought he was. Why did they do this? Assumedly for the preservation of their research. Does it factor into anything ever for Kup? Nah, not really. Also:

🄹🄰🄼🄴🅂 🅆🄷🄰🅃 🅃🄷🄴 🄵🅄🄲🄺

Telefunken really is what makes the director’s cut of Eugenesis. This is where all the really weird shit is. If you ever fucking read this nightmare of a book, you better make sure Telefunken is included, because you will be reeling.

Anyway, the planet can’t handle more than a few hundred thousand robots, energon-wise, so the Treaty of Antimorphism was signed- a sort of “no more mechpreg” agreement between the Autobots and Decepticons. Not sure how they’re going to stop someone’s torso from vomiting up a goo baby, seeing as the process appears to be completely random, but they probably know more about the process than I do.

Yeah, that treaty is broken almost immediately. I mean, come on, we know who’s writing this story, it’s amazing that the idea was even remotely considered.

The Autobots decided that they were going to start underground biomorph rings, where Lifers- y’know, the guys who can actually do this sort of thing- spit out protoforms on command to supplement the Autobot forces, in case more war broke out.

They can give birth on command.

I-

I just-

How-

Okay. Sure.

BUT HOW-

Of course, a lot of people had a problem with this, seeing as they already had a solution to the problem of a limited population, in the copies of everyone’s brains Rodimus had commissioned after the events of Eugenesis. Yeah, that’s the root of the problem right there: it was unnecessary. Certainly not the violations of the free will and rights of the poor bastards who got chained to a table and told to start pumping out new robots at what was probably gunpoint in the basement of some bombed out building. Nope! Just that the whole thing was superfluous.

That was about the time that the Anticopyist protests started- how convenient- and the mind crystals were buried, never to see the light of day. Of course, Star Saber might have had a hand in quietly recovering the crystals, but that’s just hearsay.

It’s all going down the tubes, really- High Commands gearing up for the inevitable civil war that’s about to break out amid all this bullshit. Prowl and Nightbeat are trying to put a stop to things, but what are two guys with crippling depression going to do against all this crap? Not much. Especially now that there are Neogens discovering that they aren’t who they think they are.

The slogan is “maximum speed, maximum efficiency.” I’ll let you take a wild guess as to what these weirdos call themselves.

Sideswipe and his goons get done with killing civilians, and our narrator can finally get on with their mission- an interview with Rodimus Prime, who is dying. Again. We just can’t keep our Primes alive, can we? Can’t keep ‘em dead either, but that’s not the point.

But I thought Cyclonus was key.

…I’m sorry, that was dumb.

Anyway, our narrator gets through security, bombs undetected, and prepares to finish his thesis.

These outside conversationalists are kind of morbid, aren’t they? Still, we wouldn’t have the narrative if they weren’t, so thanks? I guess? For being weird voyeurs of terrorist activities?

The narrator makes his way to the basement, where they’ve got Rodimus stashed.

But how are his tiddies? Are they ridiculously huge? Does he breast boobily down the hall towards you? Too bad First Aid’s dead, he’d be all over this behemoth.

You know, last time we saw Springer, his sole purpose in life was getting high. Wonder how he got to this point in just a couple hundred years. That’s nothing to these guys. Guess he traded in the space-heroin for juicing.

Springer, because I guess he’s kind of an asshole in this story, threatens our narrator, saying that he’s got a joor- pretty much an hour- to talk to Rodimus, and one second beyond that he’s throwing his ass out the door. He makes this point very emphatically, and repeatedly. Springer needs to take a chill pill.

With that, our narrator double-checks that his rigged badge is still there- how many times are we going to blow up Rodimus Prime?- and enters the medvault.

Rodimus isn’t doing so hot.

Despite the obvious lag in his brain, Rodimus is happy to be of service to a young student, and invites the narrator to sit and stay awhile.

Now that’s just cruel, Roberts. You gotta give Rodimus something, you already killed his best friend and most of his comrades. No wonder he’s depressed in every continuity, all the writers are mean as hell to our boy Rodders.

Our narrator starts off by asking about Scorponok, and Rodimus takes so long to answer he wonders if the guy just went ahead and died. But Rodimus, ever a good sport, does eventually answer. He talks about all the major Decepticon players, and our narrator smiles and listens, waiting for the point where Unicron is mentioned. He really wants to hear about Unicron, and can practically taste his presence in the room, seeing as Rodimus is still possessed.

You see, our dear narrator is a space-satanist.

Unfortunately, when Rodimus finally utters the name of the robot-devil, nothing happens.

No, see, if the Transformers had Plan B, none of this mechpreg stuff would be fucking happening.

This is where our outside conversationalists come more into play, revealing themselves to be Star Saber- finally entering the story proper- and Great Shot, who I can’t seem to find anything on. We get treated to the security footage from this point on, getting a lovely scene of our narrator yelling at a dying old man, as the two discuss the Turning. It’s a major point of concern for a lot of the troops, and we’re shown why, as Rodimus starts having a Reagan-from-the-Exorcist-level fit about the same time as our narrator drops his bomb. The room explodes, and our narrator escapes out into the world.

From here on, all of the narrative comes from out narrator’s internal recording. He keeps running, beyond the walls of the city and into the Rad Zone, until he hits Eocra. Eocra is where that chunk of space rock from Liars A-to-D was housed. I guess we’ll find out if it’s still there.

He requests an audience with Servion from a member of the Brotherhood of Chaos whom he doesn’t recognize, and is ushered inside.

Into an underground room with a window showing the stars and just packed with Decepticons. Even Blitzwing’s there- I’d figured he’d been one of the POWs who kicked the bucket, but apparently not. Turns out that door he went through was a teleport. They want our narrator’s thesis. He hands it over immediately.

Go for it, guys, his resume from today alone is beyond impressive. He’s done more in the last six hours than most of your top guys have done in their entire careers.

The Decepticons say that they’ll be in touch, and with that they shove him out of the room. Well, that’s that. Guess it’s time to go and see if the rumors about the losers in Kalis are a bunch of bunk after all.

And that’s the end of his datalog.

Back with the ‘Cons, the boys are gossiping about their new hire. Turns out he’s one of theirs anyway- a Neogen, and his name is Tarantulus.

I checked, it’s a valid alternate spelling of his name.

Over with Galvatron- did you honestly think he was dead?- the edgy bastard’s preparing for the Final Purge. Turns out he’s still under Unicron’s thumb, even after all this time. He’s pleased to hear that Rodimus is dying, and recalls being able to corrupt the Lifecode when he needled the Prime during other desperate moments. He decides he’s going to do that again.

Back with Start Saber and Great Shot, the boys are cooking up some tasty treats in their politically-powered lie kitchen. As far as the public knows, Tarantulus was shot to death by the guards when he approached the wall. Prime’s Turned, which sucks for him, but might work out in Star Saber’s favor. Just too bad that that one guard got in between Rodimus and the bomb blast.

So I guess Star Saber being less than piously heroic is just a Roberts thing. Alrighty then.

That’s the end of Telefunken. This answers as many questions as it presents, leaving us at a net-neutral for understanding just what the fuck is going on. Awesome.

#transformers #jro #jro punches me in the face #eugenesis #telefunken #maccadam #Hannzreads #text post #long post #prose writing

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rosymorns · 4 years

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i hate being a #gamer and sucking new vegas’ dick but it is genuinely SUCH a good game. but one of the reasons that it’s so good, i just realized, is that it’s... like, narratively fun?

i think i’ve talked before about how much more concerned fallout 4 is with the horror of nuclear war. you start before the bombs drop and you watch it happen, and you step over the skeletons of your neighbors who were alive an hour ago for you as you leave the vault. bethesda is really good at environmental storytelling and a lot of the little stories you come across in abandoned buildings across the commonwealth really punch you in the gut and stoke a sense of horror and melancholy in you. but a problem with this emphasis is that they don’t let the world move beyond it. everything must still be in utter ruin. people must be hiding out in groups of, like, 50 people MAX, with a rusted water filter all that’s keeping them alive. if they move beyond that, if they let the world start to develop again, they lose some of the impact of the horror of nuclear war. you have to creep through the rubble of a city block to inon zur or billie holiday and see the devastation the old world wrought.

but i guess the problem is that that’s not really a fun world to explore.

i don’t like fallout 3, i think it’s a bad game and i’m not going to finish it, so i can’t really talk about it. but in fallout 4, at least, the player has to build the world around them. i enjoy that fiction, in a way! i like the thought of my sole survivor rebuilding the wasteland. it’s fun to think about. but not good for a game. part of the fun of RPGs is immersing yourself in the world and learning about the history, the culture, all that. the problem with the east coast is there is no history. there is no culture. nothing has happened. the bombs might as well have dropped yesterday for all the development the commonwealth has experienced since then. they’ve built a few shanty towns. “the US military 2: electric boogaloo” built a big fuck-off robot twice and a blimp. but theres no real civilization, yknow? no foundations, no investments. it’s like everyone could pick up and leave at any time. when you wander into a new area, you’re never wondering “i wonder who controls this area?” because no one does. generically named “raiders” with no goals or motives or even lore, who are there to spurt blood when you shoot them.

in new vegas, the world has largely moved beyond the war. and it loses a lot of the melancholy that fo4 creates, i fully admit. i think as much about the great was playing new vegas as we, today, think about the fucking. war of 1812. because they’re about equally distant in time. but the world of new vegas is fun to play in, because all the balloons are already blown up. the world is built. the courier, rather than being the architect, is more like a player. and the game still fulfills the power fantasy of being extremely powerful -- you are still the influential piece that turns the tides of a the world. you have impact. but you don’t have to do it all.

like. i dunno. i love the vegas aesthetic. i love that, on the strip, there are people walking around in fancy dresses, and there are slot machines in the casinos, and you can rent a room in a huge hotel that’s an actual room with a bed and a dresser and a kitchen. the two big military forces have uniforms and supply lines. theres an NCR embassy on the strip. there’s a bunch of little factions you can ally with or make enemies of, and they’ve got stories and motives. the world breathes around you, and if you took the courier out of the story, it would keep on breathing and changing. if you came back to the mojave in 2400, it would have changed even more. and i’m convinced the bastion of civilazation in the commonwealth would still be 50 people living in the hollowed out remnants of fenway park.

#it's under a readmore just because i rambled a lot #carly.txt

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somethingusefulfromflorida · 4 years

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Every Movie I’ve Seen That Came Out This Decade

Now, I saw many of these films as they came out, but a lot of them I ended up watching years after the fact. There are plenty of movies that came out this decade that I still want to watch but haven’t gotten around to yet (Fury Road, Blade Runner 2049, Logan, etc) And just because I have seem a movie doesn’t mean I liked it, nor that I even wanted to see it in the first place; there are many I wish I could unsee because they were a waste of 2 hours of my finite existence (Marmaduke, Hop, World War Z, most DC movies)

I’ve bolded my three favorites of each year; not necessarily the best films of their respective years, just the ones that I saw and liked the most. As I add more titles to this list, I’m sure my preferences might change. All of my choices are subjective, so I will explain and justify them as I go.

Let’s start at the very beginning (a very good place to start):

2010

Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief (February 2010)

Alice in Wonderland (March 2010)

Diary of a Wimpy Kid (March 2010)

How to Train Your Dragon (March 2010)

Shrek Forever After (May 2010)

Marmaduke (June 2010)

The Karate Kid (June 2010)

Toy Story 3 (June 2010)

Despicable Me (July 2010)

Predators (July 2010)

Fred: The Movie (July 2010)

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World (August 2010)

Piranha 3D (August 2010)

Saw 3D (October 2010)

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 1 (November 2010)

Tangled (November 2010)

Top 3: How to Train Your Dragon was phenomenal, I can’t recommend it enough. Predators wasn’t super great, but it was fun, and I have a soft spot for the series because the original Predator is my dad’s favorite film. Scott Pilgrim is hilarious; nuff said. Other Notes: I was 12 going on 13 when the decade started, so I mostly watched kids movies. I’ll probably go back and watch more as time goes on. I loved the Lightning Thief book, but the movie sucked. I tried out for Diary of a Wimpy Kid because they held auditions online (I lost, wa-waaa). My first “date” was with a friend’s sister to see Shrek 4 (Good Lord was it awkward). Toy Story 3 was fun, but not my favorite by any means. Let’s pretend Fred never happened. My dad took me to see Piranha 3D apropos of nothing (he never just says “hey, wanna see a movie tonight?”) and we ended up walking out thirty minutes in because he got offended by all the nudity (it’s a T&A movie)

2011

Rango (February 2011)

Rio (March 2011)

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules (March 2011)

Hop (April 2011)

Kung Fu Panda 2 (May 2011)

Mr. Popper’s Penguins (June 2011)

Cars 2 (June 2011)

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2 (July 2011)

Final Destination 5 (August 2011)

Rise of the Planet of the Apes (August 2011)

Apollo 18 (September 2011)

The Thing (October 2011)

Top 3: Rise of the Planet of the Apes was really good, and Andy Serkis gave what might be one of his top 3 best mo-cap ape performances (he has had many). Apollo 18 sucked, but was fun. The Thing sucked, but the 1982 version is my favorite movie of all time, and I liked the potential this prequel had. Please remember that this list is subjective as hell; these are by no means my favorite movies of all time, in fact many aren’t even particularly good, they’re just the ones I saw that I would go out of my way to watch again, for whatever reason. Other Notes: none of the other films this year really did anything for me. only saw Hop because my friend invited me. Cars 2 was hot garbage. Mr. Popper’s Penguins was forgettable. I didn’t much care for the Harry Potter movies after Goblet of Fire. I like the first two and a half Final Destination movies (the first two were clever, I liked parts of 3, but 4 and 5 are terrible).

2012

The Lorax (March 2012)

21 Jump Street (March 2012)

The Hunger Games (March 2012)

Mirror Mirror (March 2012)

The Pirates! Band of Misfits (April 2012)

The Avengers (May 2012)

Men in Black 3 (May 2012)

Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted (June 2012)

Brave (June 2012)

Ted (June 2012)

The Amazing Spider-Man (July 2012)

ParaNorman (August 2012)

Flight (November 2012)

Wreck-It Ralph (November 2012)

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (December 2012)

Top 3: I was delightfully surprised by The Avengers when it came out; it was the first MCU movie I saw, and I had no expectations going in. It’s not GREAT, but it was fun, and probably the best of the series (I don’t care for Thanos and the expanded lore, I don’t read comics, I don’t want to watch them). ParaNorman is awesome; Laika is awesome, they make awesome movies, moving on. Flight was really good (I saw it for the first time just this August). Other Notes: Thank God I wasn’t on tumblr when the Lorax came out. Hunger Games was fun, but I didn’t like some of the changes from the book (they’re too old, and how come only Katniss and Peeta have last names?) The original Men in Black is one of my favorite movies of all time, but MIB3 sucked! Madagascar 3 was the worst animate film I have ever seen; I had a visceral response when I saw it in theaters, I can’t even explain why I hated it so much, it boggles my mind. Brave was boring, Ted was crass (I only saw it because my sister rented it from RedBox), The Amazing Spider-Man was forgettable, as was the Hobbit.

2013

The Croods (March 2013)

Star Trek Into Darkness (May 2013)

Despicable Me 2 (June 2013)

Monsters University (June 2013)

World War Z (June 2013)

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2 (September 2013)

Gravity (October 2013)

12 Years a Slave (October 2013)

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire (November 2013)

Frozen (November 2013)

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty (December 2013)

Top 3: The VFX in Gravity are amazing, perhaps the best of the decade, it’s beautiful to look at and feels grounded in reality (for the most part). 12 Years a Slave made me cry; it’s one of the few Award Bait movies I saw, and it totally deserved its Best Picture win. I read the Walter Mitty short story my freshman year of high school, and we saw the movie on a field trip during my senior year; it was excellent, and I had never related to a character more. Other Notes: The Croods was forgettable, Despicable Me 2 was forgettable, Monsters University was forgettable, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2 was forgettable; this was a bad year for animated movies. I didn’t hate Frozen, but it’s not my cup of tea; I think the best song is “For the First Time in Forever,” not “Let it Go.” World War Z was disappointing, because it is one of my favorite books of all time.

2014

The Lego Movie (February 2014)

Captain America: The Winter Soldier (March 2014)

Godzilla (May 2014)

The Fault in Our Stars (May 2014)

How to Train Your Dragon 2 (May 2014)

22 Jump Street (June 2014)

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (June 2014)

Big Hero 6 (October 2014)

Interstellar (October 2014)

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1 (November 2014)

Into the Woods (December 2014)

Top 3: How to train Your Dragon 2 wasn’t just more of the same,it expanded on the world and had real character development; 10/10. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes had a lot of faults, but I really liked the world building and the uneasy equilibrium the human and ape societies have reached (the equilibrium is upset by the end). Interstellar is magnificent; the VFW are breathtaking, the docking scene is phenomenal, and I love how grounded the Earth scenes feel even though they’re set in the future (it doesn’t feel like a science fiction movie, it feels more like a science movie) Other Notes: Lego Movie wasn’t my cup of tea, at all. Winter Soldier was alright. Godzilla was okay, I just wish Brian Cranston had been the main character. Into the Woods was fun, but jarringly stylized; it was like watching a Broadway play on screen rather than a movie adaptation of a Broadway play.

2015

Avengers: Age of Ultron (April 2015)

Jurassic World (May 2015)

Terminator Genisys (June 2015)

The Martian (September 2015)

The Hunger Hames: Mockingjay – Part 2 (November 2015)

Star Wars: The Force Awakens (December 2015)

Oh Boy: I didn’t particularly like any of the movies I saw this year. Genisys was stupid, but it’s sort of a guilty pleasure of mine. I love The Martian book, and the movie wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t great either. I liked The Force Awakens when it came out, but but I think I was nostalgia blind, and I can’t in good conscience continue to consume Disney movies now that I know how the evil corporate conglomerate sausage is made; they all feel like disingenuous cash grabs (and before you Disney Apologists jump down my throat, I acknowledge that there are teams of passionate artists working on every film, but you can’t look me in the eyes and say that the company isn’t micromanaging everything they do to focus group the stories and make them as profitable as possible) I think Fury Road would probably be my top choice of the year; I’ve seen clips of it, and it looks really good.

2016

Deadpool (February 2016)

Zootopia (February 2016)

10 Cloverfield Lane (March 2016)

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (March 2016)

Captain America: Civil War (April 2016)

X-Men: Apocalypse (May 2016)

Finding Dory (June 2016)

Independence Day: Resurgence (June 2016)

Star Trek Beyond (July 2016)

Ghostbusters (July 2016)

Suicide Squad (August 2016)

Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children (September 2016)

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (November 2016)

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (December 2016)

Oh Boy 2, Electric Boogaloo: these were not great years. 10 Cloverfield Lane was excellent, and everyone should go see it right now (because according to the box office, nobody saw it when it came out). Deadpool was funny but not groundbreaking for me. I disliked Zootopia because it was copaganda and another saccharine Disney focus grouped movie product (for the record, I only saw it because they were playing it for free at my university one Friday night a few years later). Batman v Superman sucked. I liked Civil War, but again, Disney. Finding Dory was disappointing because the original is so good (Marlin basically had to relearn everything he learned the first time). Independence Day was terrible, but it genuinely felt like a sequel made in the 90s, so there’s that. Ghostbusters wasn’t that funny to me; it’d be like if they remade Young Frankenstein, you can’t just remake a great comedy and expect it to work with a different cast. Suicide Squad sucked, Miss Peregrine was disappointing because I liked the book, Fantastic Beats was forgettable, and Rogue One was bland throughout with a horrible ending and one (1) fun scene with Darth Vader.

2017

Get Out (February 2017)

Kong: Skull Island (March 2017)

Baby Driver (March 2017)

Alien: Covenant (May 2017)

Captain Underpants (June 2017)

Spider-Man: Homecoming (June 2017)

War for the Planet of the Apes (July 2017)

The Dark Tower (July 2017)

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri (September 2017)

It (September 2017)

Jigsaw (October 2017)

Star Wars: The Last Jedi (December 2017)

Top 3: Get Out was excellent, I had no idea Jordan Peele could do drama as well as he did comedy (and I loved the ending where the white family gets their comeuppance and the black protagonist doesn’t go to jail!) Baby Driver is easily one of my favorite movies of all time; this was the first time I watched a movie and knew immediately that it would be nominated for an Oscar (it should have won, dammit; the sound editing was perfect). Three Billboards made me cry, it’s so good. Other Notes: Kong was fun but forgettable. Alien Covenant was fun but dumb (I was able to guess the twist immediately because they included ONE shot of David reaching for a knife; exclude that ONE shot, and I never would have guessed it). Captain Underpants was fun (I loved the books growing up), but it was distracting to hear adult voices coming out of these 9 and 10-year-olds; I think the Netflix show does it WAY better. War for the Planet of the Apes was disappointing, because I loved the first two; they never actually show the war, all the soldiers die in an avalanche at the end. It’s more like Great Escape fro the Planet of the Apes, if anything. It was fun. Jigsaw wasn’t not fun. Last Jedi was a movie.

2018

The Cloverfield Paradox (February 2018)

Black Panther (February 2018)

A Quiet Place (April 2018)

Deadpool 2 (May 2018)

Solo: A Star Wars Story (May 2018)

Incredibles 2 (June 2018)

Operation Finale (August 2018)

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (December 2018)

Top 3: A Quiet Place was really good, and I liked how they got a real deaf actress to play the daughter. Operation Finale was cathartic and I’m surprised it didn’t do well (I think it was weird that Ben Kingsley played Eichmann because he played Itzhak Stern, a Jewish worker, in Schindler’s List; he’s got range, I guess?) Spider-Verse is the best animated film of the decade, best Spider-Man film ever made, and one of my favorites movies of all time. Other Notes: Cloverfield Paradox was disappointing because I liked the first two so much. Black Panther was good, but I just don’t like the MCU. Deadpool 2 was fun, but I probably won’t see it again. Solo was forgettable. Incredibles 2 was not as good as I hoped it would be.

2019

How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World (February 2019)

Toy Story 4 (June 2019)

Spider-Man: Far From Home (July 2019)

Terminator: Dark Fate (November 2019)

Knives Out (November 2019)

Star Wars: Rise of Skywalker (December 2019)

As it stands, I only REALLY liked Knives Out this year; it was an excellent whodunit and I cannot recommend it enough. I was on the edge of my seat the entire time, I am never this engaged by a movie anymore, I had no idea where it was going, but I loved the ride the entire time (it was a SOLID movie, very tight, very well made). How to Train Your Dragon 3 was disappointing; not a great ending to the series, and none of the characters have grown any (all the comic relief idiots are still comic relief idiots, and in fact there’s a whole scene where the villain gets annoyed with one of them and let’s them go to have some peace and quiet, which undercuts his villainy by making him look like a Loony Tunes character rather than a real threat). I am swearing off Marvel movies from now on; I get nothing out of them anymore,and Disney will keep making billions regardless of my lost ticket revenue. Terminator 5 was not great, but probably the third best of the series (I’d probably watch it again, but like Genisys it is a guilty pleasure, not a movie I enjoy unironically). 1917 looks good, and I am excited to see it. Star Wars 9 look like a movie; after I see it, I am swearing off Disney movies entirely. I would skip this one, but my mom insists that we all go see it as a family for Christmas, so it’s literally a holiday chore for me. I want to see how it ends, but I don’t want to pay for it. Oh, and it’ll never end. They say this is the end, but we all know that’s a lie. They’ll start production on Episodes X, XI and XII before the decade is out (the 2020s I mean). Audiences haven’t reached Marvel Fatigue (and probably never will), so they sure as hell aren’t gonna reach Star War Fatigue any time soon; Disney will keep churning them out forever, at least once a year, maybe more.

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laflenkenway · 4 years

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These are not my words. I did not write them. But I do post them here because I agree with them.

The Declaration of Clarification

Preamble

Over the course of human history, it has been natural and cyclical in nature that those below in the various hierarchies set by mankind’s many societies should rise up in defiance in pursuit of freedom or, at the bare minimum, an improvement to conditions set by their society.

To this end, if they deem necessary, they will destroy and reestablish what was once thought to be set in stone in place to what is, at least at the time, a better order.

As humans are corruptible and flawed, those uprisings and acts may not always be considered ethical by modern, or even contemporary, standards. Democracies are overthrown in favor of monarchies, tyrants are replaced by tyrants, and monsters replace monsters.

However, that is the beauty of the nature of revolution. In the most literal of interpretations, revolution is cyclical. As a wheel revolves around an axle, those revolutions that are corrupt will, in due time, be overthrown in revolutions of their own.

It is in this regard that we, the people of the 21st Century, are involved in what many see as the repeating of that never-ending cycle of revolution. While many groups have arisen, from many viewpoints, we do call ourselves the Boogaloo. What began as a joke centered around an unserious notion of revolt against a corrupt system has evolved into a movement which has come to represent much more.

In the course of a year or so, we were shaped under the pressures of pandemic and monumental encroachments upon our freedoms, freedoms we were promised in the founding documents of these United States.

Thus, the joke became a seed, planted in the soils of revolution, rooted in the ideology of freedom and liberty for all.

Misunderstandings of us are rampant and loudly voiced. Due to the non-cohesive nature of our movement at this moment, we have been called many things without any true structure or voice with which to recant. We have faced accusations of bigotry, racism, and wanting to impose one horrid idea of governance or another. Meanwhile, our refutations to these baseless claims have fallen on deaf ears.

This document is meant to, at least in small part, express what we are (and in turn what we are not), the general ideals of the movement as a whole, our goals, and why we find ourselves knowing that the natural cycle of revolution is about to be repeated. Furthermore, it is not only natural to do so, but it is the duty of all those who believe in freedom and equality to rise up in the face of great injustice.

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”— Declaration of Independence, July 4th, 1776

Origins

Due to the disorganized and decentralized nature of our organization (as with many modern internet-originating socio-political movements), the exact origins of the Boogaloo movement are obscure and debatable. Bad press given by major media organizations, political groups and organizations opposed to our ideals have further muddied the waters. Generally speaking, a consensus among many of us generally posits that approximately 2014 (though, again, this is at times disputed) was when the meme of the Boogaloo started, or at the very least was noticed. The term Boogaloo itself can find its origins in a joke that passed through many circles, referencing the idea that a second civil war would be called Civil War II, Electric Boogaloo. This in itself is a reference to the 1984 film Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo. “Electric Boogaloo” in itself was, and is often used in a joking manner to refer to a nonexistent sequel to any given piece of entertainment.

However, the point at which the Boogaloo became a genuine political movement with consistent ideals is an even more disputed issue, as the point at which it went from a meme to an ideal differs from person to person. For many, it’s the individual’s own experience that would determine at which point the Boogaloo ideal ascended beyond the realm of jokes and internet culture to become something that one is willing to fight, and die, for.

As the movement has grown, a certain subculture has formed within it. Anything from attire, phrases, vernacular, and even artwork has been created or formed within the community that has sprouted from the Boogaloo. Some as a result of people joining and bringing their own senses of humor and personality, some forming naturally as a form of mass inside-joke, and others formed by necessity due to the watchful (and vengeful) eyes of our enemies, forcing many to speak in coded language and drop old terms for new ones to avoid detection by algorithms.

One of the most cited reasons for joining the Boogaloo as a movement, as discussed among many members and idealists, was the death of Duncan Lemp, a Maryland man murdered by county police on March 12th, 2020, as a result of a no-knock raid performed by the Montgomery County Police Department. Duncan was a twenty-one year old software developer and student. The raid was performed under suspicion of possessing illegal firearms. When the raid began, Duncan was asleep in his bed, and he was asleep when he was murdered.

Since then, Duncan has, among others, been placed in a light of martyrdom (and rightly so) for people who undyingly support the Second Amendment and, furthermore, those who despise tyranny in all its horrific forms and guises.

Duncan’s death, for many, is not only what established a belief that civilian ownership of arms and the right to use them is essential to a free people (as it is), but also a deep distrust for the increasingly corrupt, tyrannical, and uncaring United States government.

Another key event that has been often cited was the death of Breonna Taylor, a 26 year old woman murdered on March 13th, 2020 by plainclothes Louisville police officers in a no-knock raid (performed against the wrong apartment, mind you), wherein her boyfriend, one Kenneth Walker, a gun owner, fired back at the police officers, whom he believed (justly), to be violent intruders. By every metric, he was correct in assuming as much. Kenneth was later released and the charges that were pressed (attempted murder on a police officer) were dropped. However, at the time of this writing, none of the officers involved in this raid have been charged or arrested for their involvement in Breonna’s death, several months after the fact.

The reasons for joining the movement are as varied and diverse as the people who join. Some join primarily as anti-government activists, some are free speech absolutists concerned with the encroaching death of civil discourse, some are free market libertarians whose belief in capitalism is final and total, some are gun lovers and those concerned with the theft of their ability to protect themselves and those they love from all threats, and many are hardworking people who, most simply and purely, wish to be left alone.

For many, these tragedies, and many others too numerous to list in a single document without becoming disingenuous in tone, are not merely sad events and unjust takings of life, but, at the root of it all, it is proof. Proof that in this country, and in many other places the world around, the system has become too corrupt to save through its own avenues. ThusThus, the crop should be razed through fire and scythe rather than to let the blight continue to fester and destroy.

Whatever the cause, whatever the origins, whatever the story, the Boogaloo stands for a simple mission that, as mankind’s history will show, as will its future, is worth dying for.

“Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.”— H.L. Mencken, Prejudices (first series), 1929

Beliefs

As stated elsewhere in this document, the Boogaloo consists of many groups, conclaves, and people from nearly every walk of life. Thus, gaining a consensus on the personal philosophies of every member would not only be difficult, but impossible. Some here are inspired by Rand, others by Hayek, Rothbard, or scores of other great thinkers who believed in liberty before all else, but there are two ideals that are universal among all those who join.

The first is a simpler idea to explain to one who is not familiar with the movement, albeit one surrounded by controversy for many: the right of the people to bear arms. To the Boogaloo, this right does not stop merely at hunting weapons and home defense weapons, but all arms, including (and especially) those weapons that would be called “military style” by our ideological opposites. For the Boogaloo, “shall not be infringed” is total, absolute, and literal. To the Boogaloo, a populace of armed, ready, and willing citizens is what truly stands as the only defense between a free and equal life and that cancerous growth upon which every great atrocity in our history as a species may be blamed for: tyranny, in all forms, faces, and names.

To us, it is not only the right of the people to stay armed and to be a vanguard against injustice, but it is a duty to do so.

It is not enough that standing against authoritarianism and autocracy should be considered heroic, but that it is a cowardly and shameful act to do anything else when faced with the abomination that is authoritarianism.

The second origin for the philosophical roots of the movement, as cited by many, are those of the enlightenment era. Thinkers like Voltaire, Locke, and Rousseau, those philosophers who are accredited with the setting-in-stone of the ideas of individual liberty, equality among all men, freedom of thought, and those noble and righteous goals of Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of happiness.

To this extent, the Boogaloo often has found use for glorifying the founding fathers, those great leaders of the American Revolution. Jefferson, Washington, Franklin, and many others find their way into the conversations and memes of many a Facebook or discord group, often reminding the recipient that, by now (were the founding fathers to be in the same situation we find ourselves in) they would have taken up arms and raised the black flag years ago.

We are aware that the founding fathers and those enlightenment philosophers weren’t perfect men, nor do we believe in excusing any abhorrent behavior that they have performed within their lifetime. They were human beings, corruptible and imperfect as anyone. But we do not fight simply for the corpse of George Washington or John Locke, because they were men. Men whose flesh, like ours will one day, has turned to rot. We fight for those ideals, the belief that all people on this earth ought to live free and happy so long as they infringe not on the rights of others, ideas that many men have died for over the course of the odyssey of human history, and will do so until the end of time.

“The hate of men will pass, and dictators die, and the power they took from the people will return to the people. And so long as men die, liberty will never perish”— Charlie Chaplin, The Great Dictator, 1940

Who we are

With as diverse and varied our base is, it seems easiest to first establish what we are not: we are not “far right.” We are not white nationalists supremacists; we are not neo nazis; we are not hateful people; nor are we communists, socialists, or violent nihilists.

Earlier we were accused of being all those things, of being neo nazis and wishing to perform some abhorrent cleanse of one group or another. This simply is not true, and our enemies have caught on to this.

Following the death of George Floyd, an African-American man murdered on camera by the Minneapolis police department on May 25th, 2020, sparking worldwide protests. With this, the Boogaloo seemingly gained public attention, as many of us finally decided that this was the time. We had grown weary of watching our rights be infringed upon, tired of the guilty walking free, fed up with the innocent being butchered, and exhausted from feeling helpless to stop it.

In those beginning stages, the mainstream media tried their usual tactics, accusing us of only going to the protests to target minorities and to start a race war, without any substantial evidence to point to this, and a myriad of examples proving exactly the contrary.

They gave up on that narrative soon enough upon seeing who we really are. Due to the nature of the movement, and for the safety and security of all those involved in it, an accurate consensus of just who we are on a statistical basis (and even the total number of people within) is impossible, but not hard to know the generalized results of.

Among us there are people from walks of life, races, religions, upbringings, and backgrounds. The movement works to break down superficial barriers, such as the ones noted above, and seeks to unite all those who see liberty not only as a right, but as a necessity.

As of writing this, the media seems to put a different slant to us. Calling us white supremcists and far-right nationalists doesn't hold up when we stand with the protesters against police brutality and have, on more than one occasion, faced down the guns of SWAT teams in order to protect those that seek nothing more than equality and justice, nothing more than what we were promised. While some of us disagree with Black Lives Matter as an organization, it is rare that you will find a Boogaloo boy that believes the protests are unneeded, and that asking for those who are meant to protect us to be held accountable is unreasonable.

The narrative the media tries to spin now is a simpler one, but one that seems uniquely bestowed upon us and not many others, and one that speaks more to the character of the media more than it does to the character of our movement: they accuse us of “trying to spread chaos.”

This speaks to their character for one simple reason: chaos is, has been, and always will be, the tyrant’s synonym for freedom, and, in turn, the tyrant shall always offer “safety” and “order” as an alternative to this purported chaos.

Is it chaotic to want to be left alone? Is it chaotic to wish for those who enforce our laws to abide by those same laws? Is it chaotic to love one’s family and wish to protect them from all those who would wish harm upon them? Is it chaotic to ask for a day’s pay for a day’s work? Is it chaotic to live freely and ask nothing more than to not be taken advantage of?

These are the things the grand majority of us stand for, and if that is chaos, one must call into question the character of those who would oppose this so-called chaos. While the views of our members vary from person to person, one sentiment rings true for all of us: we wish to be free and unmolested by the grip of tyranny in all facets. If that demand is unreasonable and extreme, we will bear the burden of that label. For if those demands, those things we plead for, are vile and extreme, what does that say of those who would oppose them?

“I was always willing to be reasonable until I had to be unreasonable. Sometimes reasonable men must do unreasonable things.”— Marvin Heemeyer, personal audio diary, 2003/2004

A free people’s speech

To us, it is abhorrent that our ideals must be laid out in this way. It is a travesty and a miscarriage of justice that any group should be negated to the point where they must speak in code just to voice their beliefs. The Boogaloo movement believes strongly that all people have the right to freedom of speech, even our enemies.

As of writing this, a mass purge of Boogaloo groups has occurred across several social media platforms, and we have been labeled extremists.

This horrifies us. Not only because our message is being silenced, but because we are aware of the domino effect. Once one type of speech is no longer safe, no speech is free.

Free speech is not only vital and sacred on principle, but also in practice. To this end, using the example of far right and neo-nazi extemism, while vile and disgusting by every measurement, will aid in illustrating this point. Because freedom of speech exists for the protection of unpopular speech, since popular speech does not need protection.

Over the course of the past couple of years, far right rhetoric and propaganda has been wiped from major social media platforms as a whole in a great purge in its own right.

Sadly, however, this has not wiped out the believers of those ideologies from this earth, far from it. The neo-nazis and the white supremacists, for the large part, have been relegated to their own special corners of the internet, either those set up specifically for them or those forums that allow for anonymous posting like 4chan and 8chan.

This phenomenon is brought up for one important reason: as those ideas are abhorrent, vile, and worthy of the most brutal destruction in debate, they have, by those social media companies, been shielded from all debate, reason, and civil discourse, which has allowed those groups to fester like a gangrenous wound. Without that protection, those ideas should be brought into the light, wherein they may be taken down not by forceful censorship, but by reason and conversation.

Our point is this: unlike those who oppose us, we do not seek to take away the rights of our enemies. Be they communist or fascist, Ku Klux Klan or NFAC, we do believe with all of our being that all people are created equal. For us, there can be no conflict without our enemies striking first and our rights encroached upon.

To this end, one may perhaps make the assumption that we are a reactionary movement, one formed in response and to antithesize another. One would be right, if they were to see someone defending what is theirs after it has been stolen as “reactionary.” If it is radical and extreme to simply want to be left alone, then we will be radical, and we will be extremists. We have warned, to our enemies, enough times. “Don’t tread on me,” we have said since 1778, when the Gadsden flag was first raised. They have tread, and there shall be consequences. One does not shake the hornets’ nest and complain of the venom.

“If we do not believe in free expression for people we despise, we don’t believe in it all.” — Noam Chomsky, 1992

Policies of the Boogaloo

One of the key reasons for the penning of this document is to make public the ideals and stances of the Boogaloo movement at large. As stated elsewhere in this document, our disorganized nature has its benefits. There are few leaders to be targeted, the movement can operate in largely independent groups, with some communication in between (although this is becoming more precarious and difficult following the crackdown by our enemies).

However, the largest, and most dangerous, downside to this is that anything can be accused of us, whether baseless, false, or otherwise slanderous and untrue, and there is no voice for us at large.

This section herein shall serve primarily to cite the Boogaloo’s stances at large that can be broadly attributed to the whole movement. This information was collected via democratic votes through a congress of those representing various cells of the movement. These are beliefs that are key to the movement that have as of yet not been discussed in this document so far, and will follow a lit format in order to promptly and clearly state our policies and principles. This declaration of principles will not necessarily go fully in depth to the origins and intricacies of the beliefs unless it has been deemed necessary, as some are so complex as to warrant a larger dissertation of their own, or the specifics of the stances vary too greatly from member to member to get into without alienating others.

I) Most prominently, the Boogaloo stands for the ideal of the Non Aggression Principle (which will be abbreviated to NAP to save space), the idea that all aggressive actions are, inherently, illegitimate and immoral, regardless of outcome for the one aggressed upon. To this end, the Boogaloo believes strongly that the means must always justify the ends, and not the reverse. In addition, this principle despises the idea of any “victimless crime,” as this is an idea directly opposed to the NAP. “Crimes of moral turpitude” such as sex work, drug possession, gambling, and any other action wherein no one is directly caused harm should be allowed to be performed by all people. Of course, this excludes slavery, forced bondage, or any other such deed that would violate the inherent rights of a human being.

II) To expand upon one idea cited in the previous principle, the Boogaloo finds it important to note that we believe that a person’s body and mind are theirs, and theirs alone, to control. To this end, we believe in the legalization of all intoxicating substances. Unless an individual cannot handle their high and thus causes harm or otherwise violates the rights of another, the state has no business in telling an individual what they may or may not do with their own money and their own body. Furthermore, if use of substances is no longer treated as a crime, then addiction may, by proxy, lose its stigma over time, and therefore those suffering from addiction, and those that love them, may be more likely to seek help, thus ending the disease wherein before shame and fear would have led them away from this path of recovering.

III) One great weight placed upon the American people, and nearly all peoples upon the earth, is the excess of taxation. Every year the tax burden increases, yet every year those programs meant to aid the people, funded by the people, continue to fail, and the country is sunken deeper into debt that cannot be paid back. It is not the issue of not having enough currency, but it is the spending of the government and their silver-tongued extortion of the people. While “taxation is theft” has itself become a meme of sorts, its principle stands. The people are, at threat of violence and imprisonment, forced to hand over a large fraction of their pay to the state before they can even see a single cent of it, and that does not include utility bills, taxes on property, taxes on sales, taxes on their car. With such extortion and so much money leached away from the people, one would think the parasite that is government would be well fed, but year by year we are told that they need more, that fees must increase, that more must be taken “for the greater good”, and year by year those promises are broken. We have never been more in debt, more desperate, and more hopeless, and the root of that is the fact that “a day's work for a days pay” is an empty, almost ironic, adage. One great argument posed to this line of thinking is “who will pave the roads,” as if the state is the only entity physically able to lay those roads and infrastructure, with those same people having the thought in their minds that, even though private entities can produce cell phones, build skyscrapers, assemble automobiles, and accelerate humanity into the future, they cannot lay hot tar upon the ground. To this end, the boogaloo does state that the extortion of the people must end. Time and time again, we are promised that taxing the rich will solve the problems, and time and time again does that tax not fall upon the elite, as is promised, but upon the ever-shrinking middle class. The elites, the CEO’s and the big-wigs will never pay their fair share, for that is the nature of greed, nor will the politicians truly attempt to end this corruption, much as one would never try to infuriate their own boss. This must end. The people, who stand as the columns that hold up the great American citadel, must either have this abuse ceased, or allow the tower to crumble and be rebuilt.

IV) The Boogaloo firmly and vehemently stands against all forms of bigotry, including racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, religious discrimination, and all other intolerant values, though our detractors and slanderous “journalists” (though calling the modern media essayist a journalist is a vast stretch of the meaning, with their twisted truths and mental gymnastics always amazing us with what they’re willing to say) would try to convince you otherwise. We firmly believe that unless all people are free and equal, no one will be, and we will always believe this. All groups of people must be free, and they must all have their voices heard. That being said, we do also believe in a limit to tolerances. Those groups whose nature is inherently harmful, such as pedophiles, rapists, and those who would promote the violation of rights and the deaths of innocents, will not be tolerated. As stated before, we do believe in absolute free speech and the chance to be heard, but upon the harming of an innocent, one's right to that tolerance is revoked. The Boogaloo is made up from people of all races, creeds, religions, sexual orientations, and socioeconomic statuses. Thus, tolerance has been innate to our ideals, and our survival.

V) The immediate and complete demilitarization of police on all levels is inherent and vital to a free and equal people. To this end, not only is the removal of military-style weapons and equipment from law enforcement agencies needed, but so too is the ending of qualified immunity among police officers, and the disbanding of all police unions. Doing so makes those tasked with enforcing the law subject to the law, not above it. They must, like all other citizens, be held responsible for their own representation and their own defense in cases where they are accused of abuse of power. In our modern era, abuses of power are endemic and widespread throughout the country. Because of these factors put in place by the elites and the powers-that-be, “protect and serve” has been discarded in favor of “obey or suffer.” This is abhorrent and must be debrided as gangrene is from clean flesh.

VI) The Boogaloo firmly believes in mass reform of congress, both in pay and in term limits. As it stands, a congressperson can serve their state for less than a decade in many cases, retire, and receive lavish pensions for the rest of their lives, leeching off the money of those they no longer benefit or serve. To this end, the Boogaloo believes in a complete reform of this system. Greatly reducing Congress’ pay, establishing set term limits, and forcing congressmen to plan their own pension and retirement just like the rest of us is the only way forward.

VII) The diminishing and restriction of powers held by the federal government of the United States is seen by many as integral to the Boogaloo Movement. The Federal government has invaded and taken advantage of the lives of the American people for far too long. Their strength, resources, reach must be limited, and the direct influence the federal government holds upon the individual must be greatly reduced, if not eliminated.

VIII) Before all other threats, enemies, and opponents, the Boogaloo stands against tyranny in all forms, and hereby swears that all those who would seek to violate, infringe upon, steal, or otherwise tamper with the rights and lives of the people shall be exposed as tyrants and quickly and promptly destroyed. We stand against tyranny in all forms, whether religious or secular; whether right wing or left. We stand firmly against all those who promote the decimation of innocents, the forsaking of the less fortunate, and all those who wish only for the corrupt and broken machine of our government to continue as is and to expand. The Boogaloo is not right wing or left wing, and thus both far right authoritarians and far left ones are but one thing to us: live targets.

“Behind this mask there is more than just flesh. Beneath this mask there is an idea... and ideas are bulletproof.”—Alan Moore, V For Vendetta, 1989

From here on

The greatest hope here is that, at the very least, this document has brought forth an understanding of the Boogaloo; an understanding of who we are, what we believe, and why we stand as we do. Perhaps you, the reader, have become convinced of our ways and seen the light of liberty that we have seen, or perhaps not.

But one thing, above all others, must be understood, if the Boogaloo is to be understood at all: That we are not the first to bear these beliefs, nor shall we be the last. It is to our belief that we are but another vignette in the everlasting and cyclical story of what we see as man’s greatest and most profound act, the act of revolution. At this point, it is impossible to know how history will remember our iteration of this belief, our success or failure is up to only the fates and to the sands of time.

We stand at the precipice of history, the precipice of war, and the precipice of the unknown. To many, that last item, the unknown, is what instills fear in the most, not knowing what tomorrow will bring. However, to those understanding of history, society, and humanity, this unknown (and its accompanying terror) is what all those names from the odyssey of mankind have faced. Alexander, Octavian, Washington, Lincoln, and countless others all stood on these shores of the ocean of the unknown, hoisted their sails and set off in search of those things they found most important, those things worth more than life itself, and in defiance of those who would deny them what they sought.

We all now stand upon that shore, buffered by the winds of trial and frostbitten by the chill of a nation that cares not. There is only one question left posited to all people of every standing: Do you cast away that fear and board a ship, or cower upon the waterside?

“The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots & tyrants. it is its natural manure”— Thomas Jefferson, letter to William Stephens Smith, 1787

A note from the transcriber

I am no one special. I am just another part of the movement, a piece of a much larger thing. I am okay with that. I am young, barely out of school, but I have watched over the years as the world has become, what I see, a darker place, and those things I was promised, what we were all promised, stolen slowly through the course of a slow, methodical necrosis of our liberties. The powers-that-be seemed, to me, to think that the slow death would not trigger a response from those that would seek to protect what is ours, the Boiling Frog method.

I have always loved freedom, or would like to think I have. When I found the Boogaloo, I found something, something I think many could associate with: a voice where they had none before, and something to believe in, something worth fighting for.

I see myself as part of a generation that is deeply disillusioned with the status quo. I have noticed, at least within my circle, that many of us seek change for the nation, not just in policy changes, but in structure and creating a more perfect, more free union. If you are an older member of the movement, fear not, it shall not die with you. The Boogaloo is a hydra, and we shall never die, but rise stronger at each attempt to destroy us.

To the people who are unsure of their own beliefs and are searching for meaning, the Boogaloo is about more than guns, jokes, and the terminology we use. We are about something greater than ourselves, we are about understanding that some things are worth even more than life itself, that some things are worth dying for and, furthermore, living for. A person can die, their bodies ravaged by the many dangers that come with being human, be they natural or otherwise, but an idea, something to fight for, something with meaning, cannot be killed. Liberty shall always be an innate instinct to us, as natural as breathing.

To our detractors, know this: There can be no conflict with us unless you are the ones to strike first. Our mission is simple: to be left alone. If there will be no strife unless you shoot first, and we shall shoot back, and we will do so until we are free, and we will be the ones to let off the last shot. Tread at your own peril.

And to the Boogaloo boys reading this, march on, become indomitable, and hold your head high. You are on the right side of history. You are on the side of freedom. You are on the side of true justice.

Until Valhalla — Kilbourne

#the boogaloo #the bill of rights #social stuff #government overreach #freedom #freedom isn't extremism #political activism #freedom and justice for all and not just for some #US Constitution

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daleisgreat · 7 years

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Top 10 and Worst 5 Films of 2014 through 2016

I meant to do this last year, but completely neglected it. When I ran my old podcast, one episode a year, my friends Matt, Jay and I would host our annual best and worst movies of the year episode. We did three installments for films that hit in 2011-2013. The podcast is not around anymore so I have not done it since, but I still have been keeping Word documents on my computer with a list of all the movies I saw each year and constantly update my top 10 and worst 5 rankings of the year. I meant to post the best and worst of 2015 as a blog, but as I said it just slipped past me and I will make up for it now with a triple best and worst list for 2014 through 2016. I had a whole extra year to catch up on Netflix and VUDU on 2014 and 2015 releases I missed so I have seen about 20% more films than I did than 2016. So hopefully that will excuse any glaring omissions that did not make my rankings. That said, I am still feeling pretty good about my 2016 list and there were only a handful of films that slipped by me that I have not seen yet. Movies linked on the lists will take you to my review of the film if you want to see my expanded thoughts on the film. One last thing before the lists, I want to give a shoutout to one of my favorite film critics, Scott Sawitz! I have discussed movies, wrestling and a ton more with Scott for well over a decade and have had the pleasure of having him guest host on my aforementioned podcast several times. I have always been a fan of his reviews and weekly column, Monday Morning Critic, over at Inside Pulse. His latest column is his annual top 10 films of the year I always look forward to. Scott has a twist on his rankings this year because he has been putting a ton of work into his weekly YouTube series, Confessions of a Super-Hero, weekly bite-sized episodic viewing all about what super-heroes do in their off-duty downtime. If you have a moment, please check it out! Now, onto the lists! 2014 TOP 10 10) Wild 9) Nightcrawler 8) Gone Girl 7) Equalizer/John Wick 6) Imitation Game 5) Interstellar 4) Guardians of the Galaxy 3) Whiplash 2) Captain America: The Winter Soldier 1) Boyhood Best Documentary – Life Itself

The two comic book films on the list ranked high with Marvel having a stellar year. Guardians surprised me because the concept just seemed impossible to pull off in live action with an animated tree and talking raccoon, but somehow Marvel did it and it kicked all kinds of ass. Winter Soldier was an awesome modern day follow up to The First Avenger. I seem to be in the minority of people when discussing Interstellar, and while I would rank it a notch or two under other non-Batman Christopher Nolan classics like Inception, I still very much enjoyed it that it made it into the midst of my top 10. Life Itself is an excellent documentary all about Roger Ebert in his final days as it documents his and Gene Siskel’s breakout rise as the go to film critics of the nation. Wild hit all the right nerves for me on Cheryl Strayed’s arduous journey of self-discovery. Nightcrawler shocked me at the lengths Gyllenhaal went to get the ultimate creep-o look down and his convincing transition from wannabe ripoff artist to the quintessential conman. I was expecting Equalizer to be a by-the-numbers action flick, but Denzel Washington proved me wrong by adding on many layers to it, and it is bizarre how John Wick came out within weeks of it and both were nearly identical plots, but both delivered in their own unique way. John Wick also gets my dubious award for best ever Kevin Nash cameo. Finally, props to Richard Linklater for delivering on his film that was literally 12 years in the making with Boyhood. Linklater is a risk taker with his ambitious projects, and he knocked another one out of the park with Boyhood getting my vote as best film of 2014. 2014 WORST 5 5) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 4) Tekken 2 3) Pro-Wrestling Zombies 2) Amazing Spider-Man 2 1) Transformers: Rise of the Fallen 2014 saw many terrible films, I actually had nearly 10 films as being ‘worst 5-calibur’ material. The TMNT remake had a few bright spots and scene-saving moments from Will Arnett, but he alone could not save a film with so many gut-wrenching jokes and awful retconning of the TMNT lore I grew up with. I actually dug the first Tekken film as a kind of solid nonsense fighting tournament movie that was kind of faithful to the source material ala Mortal Kombat, but the sequel was this awful attempt at a mafia-crime-mystery-drama that failed on all levels. Pro-Wrestling Zombies was a very low budget zombie slashing film starring Matt Hardy, Jim Duggan and Roddy Piper, but with these wrestling legends it was not even enjoyable in an ironic way like most zombie films, and was just flatout bad. Amazing Spider-Man 2 shocked me because I legitimately enjoyed the reboot, and thought this would be another easy follow up with most of the same cast and crew returning. However, Spider-Man and Electro both cast painful jokes and banter throughout that did not exist in the prior film, and there were countless groan inducing moments. The latest Transformers film outdid the straight-up bad humor and moments throughout the entire wreck of a film. Michael Bay somehow found a way to make it a nearly insurmountable task to get through. 2015 Top 10 10) Southpaw 9) Ant Man 8) The Martian 7) End of the Tour 6) Mad Max: Fury Road 5) Revenant 4) Creed 3) Steve Jobs 2) Spotlight 1) Hateful Eight Best Documentary – Tie: Electric Boogaloo & Winning: Racing Life of Paul Newman

Yeah, I like my feel good boxing/sports films as Jake Gyllenhaal shined again this year in Southpaw and Creed surpassed my expectations with its contemporary take on the Rocky franchise. While the lighthearted moments from Damon seemed a little forced, I still very much dug his Mars survival story, but not as much I got immersed into Dicaprio’s and Tom Hardy’s intense wilderness survival adventure that is The Revenant. Fury Road marked the first Mad Max movie I saw and the bombastic costumes initially had me raising an eyebrow, but once the heavy metal guitar semi-truck graced the screen in its infinite glory I instantly went on board with the film and never got off. I recently reviewed Steve Jobs, and if you recall I absolutely loved its use of creative license to tell a nonstop dialogue juggernaut of three big moments in Jobs’ life. Spotlight is the perfect way to tell a slow building mystery film where investigative journalists gradually picked away at their biggest scoop ever. Finally, I am biased towards Quentin Tarantino as I view the man as being one of the absolute best at dialogue in films, and he delivered once again with countless another excellent script and scenes that stole the show in The Hateful Eight. The setting worked perfectly and I was on my toes waiting to see which one of the eight was going to make the first move in a powdered keg filled with characters ready to burst. 2015 Worst 5 5) Fantastic Four 4) Jupiter Ascending 3) Chappie 2) Ted 2 1) Pixels

I was surprised at how bad Jupiter Ascending turned out to be, and did not expect Channing Tatum to be the only decent part of that film. After the dud that was Sucker Punch and now Jupiter Ascending, I am cutting myself off from all future Wachowski-directed films. I am a fan of District 9 and its director Neil Blomkamp and felt burned by his latest film, the insufferable Chappie in numerous ways. I was anticipating bad things from both Fantastic Four or Pixels, but part of me forced myself to go to see how awful they ultimately were. Fantastic Four was mostly drawn out and dull, and had some very head-scratching moments throughout. I cannot remember the last Adam Sandler film I legitimately liked, does the first half of Funny People count? Any marginal hopes of a semi-decent film were squashed the second Kevin James popped up on screen as the dopey president of the USA. Practically the entire film was bad, but I will at least give it minor props for some pretty good use of the videogame CG in the film. 2016 Top 10 10) Purge: Election Year 9) Deadpool 8) Star Trek: Beyond 7) 13 Hours: Secret Soldiers of Benghazi 6) Captain America: Civil War 5) Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice 4) Hacksaw Ridge 3) Sully 2) Fences 1) The Accountant Best Documentary – ESPN 30 for 30: The ’85 Bears

The last two Purge films have turned into guilty Halloween pleasures like the old Final Destination films. Election Year kept up the same gritty, over-the-top tone and pace as Anarchy Reigns before it. Deadpool surprised me at not being a dud, and far exceeded my expectations with tons of great jokes, dialogue, action and unapologetically aware 4th wall-breaking references throughout. It has been awhile since I got wrapped up in an intense R-rated war film, and 2016 had two of them with 13 Hours and Hacksaw Ridge that both get high recommendations from me. I am a wee bit of a Clint Eastwood fan, but I will give him and Tom Hanks righteous props on how they somehow made Sully’s heroic emergency plane landing into the Hudson River a thrilling feature length film. Some of you who saw the list are probably baffled at why I rank the controversial Dawn of Justice over the much-loved Civil War, but the two ranked so close together I just might change my answer if you ask me any day of the week. If I am splitting hairs I did not care for the shoehorned Spider-Man extended cameo, and his dialogue has me worried that Homecoming is going to be filled with an equal, if not worse script than Amazing Spider-Man 2. Denzel Washington and Viola Davis are sublime in Fences. The small, but mighty cast here delivered powerful performances, with Washington and Davis especially delivering in this dialogue-driven-tour-de-force about hard times for a family making ends meet in the 1950s. I did not know too much going into The Accountant other than it had what appeared to be a gimmick of an assassin with Autism. I could not have been more wrong as there is so much more going on with this film that it entertained me throughout its near two and a half hour runtime. Ben Affleck continues his streak of excellent performances, and I cannot wait to see how his upcoming solo version of The Batman turns out. Worst 5 2) Suicide Squad 1) Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk

I have only seen two movies this year that qualify as “worst 5-caliber.” I could not get into Suicide Squad. The first third of the film played out like an extended trailer scored with worn out songs that I am use to only hearing off trailers. There were several WTF moments throughout, and add in the film felt compromised after audiences griped that Dawn of Justice was not lighthearted enough. DC/Warner Bros. responded by pasting in several post-production groan-worthy zingers that played more to the mainstream, but made me cringe. I am optimistic for the presumable sequel though, because I did dig Will Smith as Deadshot and Margot Robbie’s portrayal of fan favorite, Harley Quinn and I am even interested in what direction they take The Joker next. Halftime Walk usurped it as my worst film of the year however because of how unlikeable the cast is. About 20% of the film is war flashbacks that I actually liked, but the other 80% is the members of the military squad’s day being honored at a football game, and just being super dick-ish and incredibly un-empathetic throughout it. I know this is based off a book, but I do not know if something got lost in translation or if this was the desired vision of the film. Either way, it yields my worst of the year honors! Thanks for sticking with me rambling all this way, see you next year!

#random movie #top 10 #boyhood #transformers rise of the fallen #the hateful eight #pixels #accountant #billy lynn's long halftime walk #suicide squad #spotlight #captain america #fences

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