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charismaandcashmere · 4 years

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who i am, who i’ve been

I started this blog from a place of hurt, resentment, and frustration. Resentment towards myself for stifling my desires for a more “luxe” life, more romance, more attention and affection. Also resentment towards myself for not knowing how to communicate these things I needed. Resentment towards my family and this weird society at large for such limiting, conflicting ideas about female sexuality and what makes a “good woman.”

When I started this blog, I lived in Europe, and felt disenchanted with my marriage. I didn’t know how to communicate with my husband, and I was feeling some kind of regret about getting married fairly early. I’d walked the streets in different countries, encounter men who I found amazingly attractive, and regret getting married with so little sexual experience. I also resented my husband, a man who never really had a problem asking for what he wanted; attention, errands ran, sex—but couldn’t quite figure how to love me. Rather, find out how to communicate his love for me in a way I could understand. I’ve never asked for much materially, because I wanted to be a “good woman.” My ring is modest, we didn’t have a wedding, just got married at the courthouse and went to the hotel down the street for our honeymoon. I also just felt ugly and unrefined. I still dressed like I was college most of the time.

I started reading blogs from sugar babies, escorts, and various other kept women. This blog was my place for me to learn about the world of women who get over on men. Women who don’t interact with men unless they are getting something out of it. I liked that energy. So different, shameless, and selfish from what I have been taught for years and years. Not only were they getting money, gifts, trips, and whatever else from men, but they knew so much. Etiquette, grooming, “leveling up,” being a classy and elegant woman. Pulling it all together.

But more than that, there were words for why I was so frustrated in my marriage. The major imbalance of emotional and household labor, feeling like I had to beg the person who asked me to marry him to actually care about me. But I’ve had to face the fact that the reason I wasn’t getting what I wanted out of my relationship was me. I wasn’t being honest with myself. Too embarrassed to say what I wanted. To say that I wanted to be this kind of woman among certain family or friends would not have gone so well a few years ago.

That was around 2016-2018.

The best heaux blogs focus(ed) on being the best version of yourself. Always wanting more for yourself, regardless of your vocation. There are a surfeit of book recommendations, tips, tricks, and advice on to polish your presence. But in the last year or so, the glamour has worn off, I think. Some SBs have written about their dangerous experiences, and life in general is just an even larger clusterfuck on this planet. Maybe it’s that, maybe it’s just that I’ve aged out of wanting to live vicariously through other women.

I’ve binge-watched a lot of relationship advice videos, and while I am sometimes annoyed at how most such advice is geared towards women, (the imbalance of emotional labor in relationships strikes again) I have learned lot from them. The importance of authenticity and not hiding who you are or what you desire in a relationship. Especially in a long term committed relationship or a marriage.

I’m getting better at asking for what I want. (It’s a hassle, as I always worry about being a nuisance to people) I’m better at understanding what my triggers are and checking in with myself to assess if something is actually wrong or if I’m being triggered by feelings of unworthiness. And I’m becoming more shameless about what I want; comfort, (as much comfort as I can muster with my general anxiety and frustration at the state of the world, but I’m not getting into politics right now) a delightful sex life, and artistic pursuits. I can see the good and bad about my introversion/loner status. I was proud of my ability to go on about life with little interaction with others, now I have a strong desire for a close group of friends.

On a semi-related note, I’m also more curious about whatever lies beyond. A few years ago, I was a staunch atheist. But I grew to love going to churches, mainly for the history architecture, but also, overtime, the “vibe.” Now, I’m a lot less skeptical of the possibility of “something else” out there. Will I ever return to traditional, patriarchal religion? Probably not. But I’m currently learning about tarot, diving a bit in astrology, and learning about different practices. I suppose I’m still an atheist, just someone who enjoys the history, information, and ideas surrounding metaphysics and the occult.

I’m not sure why I felt compelled to write this. I know I need to write more, and I may start posting some things on here. But I hope I gave some followers some perspective on what this blog is about.

Be curious, be shameless, be true.

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