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necromaniackat · 5 years

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I AM NOT FATPHOBIC

I know at this point in my blogging career I’ve gotten the reputation of being “fatphobic” but let me tell you something; I used to be fat. I used to be an overweight social justice warrior scrolling through tumblr, self diagnosing myself with all these mental illnesses. Guess what happened: I grew up. I learned what the real world is like and I learned it all first hand. Let me tell you a few things I learned about the real world.

1) Yes, people treat you differently. People tend to be harsher on people who are bigger rather than someone who’s a normal size or even someone who’s underweight. WHY?! Because, you are not seen as conventionally beautiful or appealing. There are some very beautiful overweight people but the majority isn’t beautiful. It takes an upwards of 2,000 calories a day to maintain your weight so if you’re 200+lbs and gaining then that means you’re consuming more than the recommended daily calories. That means if you’re gaining, say 5lbs in a week, you’re eating enough food for two or three people. People don’t pity you because you see what you’re doing to yourself and you demand to be considered beautiful. People like Eugenia Cooney are seriously mentally ill, who don’t see the damage they’re doing to themselves. Yes, I recognize people who are overweight have the same type of mental illness but let’s not kid ourselves. The majority doesn’t have that type of mental illness.

2) There is no such thing as medical fatphobia. I would know, I used to be fat. I was 147lbs at 4′7. I was severely overweight during my late teens. I also had the beginnings of MDD and bipolar disorder. When my doctor told me my depression would lessen if I lost weight and started to eat right, I did that and I started to feel better. My meds also worked a bit better.

Also my grandmother was morbidly obese. She was bed ridden for YEARS. I used to go to her doctor’s appointments with her and my mom. Please note my grandmother is a polio survivor so that affected her health as well. When I was around 4/5 years old my grandmother overdosed on her medications; we don’t know if it’s suicide or an accident. My mom and I have had many conversations about this issue and we both agree that if my grandmother had lost a significant amount of weight then she may still be alive. He quality of life would’ve improved so much. I asked my mom if my grandmother ever experienced “fatphobia”, my mom told me that if anything she was coddled for being as heavy as she was. She got high dosages for medications and was a doctor’s wet dream so to speak.

3) Your loved ones pay for your weight. Going off of my grandmother’s experiences as a morbid obese person, I’m going to add the effect it had on her family. My mom was a single mother looking after three kids -two under the age of six- on top of working full time, on top of having to look after my grandmother because my grandmother couldn’t look after herself. My mom put her life in danger every time my grandmother fell and she had to help lift her up. My grandmother weighed 500+lbs when she died and the last time she fell the firefighters literally told my mom not to try to lift her up because my grandmother could crush her to death.

My grandmother also didn’t get a chance to play with her grand kids the way a normal grandparent should. 90% of the memories I have with my grandmother are stationed in her bed. She was 62 when she died and my little sister doesn’t have any memories with our grandmother, and me and my older brother only remember the times she fell or was in her bed. It’s not fair to any of us that those are the memories we have of her. She was so much more than just her weight but at the end of her life all her troubles were caused by her weight. She was a special needs teacher and a middle school teacher. She taught for 25 years. I miss my grandmother every day. It’s not fair that she died so young.

4) Enablers. Cut those fuckers out of your life. If they loved you they would want you to be healthy. It doesn’t matter if it’s mentally, emotionally or physically; if they loved you, they would want you to be the best version of yourself. When I was overweight I found I was most miserable when I was surrounded by people who enabled my behaviour. They didn’t care that I was slowly killing myself. If somebody loves you, they’ll want you to be healthy. If that means they’re “mean” to you.

When my depression was at a low point my uncle showed me zero pity because I wasn’t doing anything to help my situation, I wanted to wallow in myself damnation and bring everyone in with me. He hated the person I was because he knew I could be such a better version of myself and he kicked me in the ass to become that person. At the time I despised him to my very core but today, I love and understand him and his methods.

5) Social media. Oh my God! Where do I even start with this one? Let me start with, you’re not untouchable. The F/A is an echo chamber of people pulling the wool over each other’s eyes. If you love someone, you tell them the fucking truth. If you hate someone, you tell them the fucking truth. If I get made fun of for being short then you get made fun of for being fat because that’s the truth. I’m abnormally short and you are abnormally large. Social media is the viper’s den of the world, you’re not safe. People are going to make fun of your weaknesses and if you’re fat, you’re going to be made fun of for being fat. Simple.

The F/A throws a temper tantrum when their delusional bubble is burst. Being fat is unhealthy and not pretty to look at. Now, I know what you’re going to say “if you don’t like it don’t look at it then”. But as soon as I voice an opinion you just have to look at the post, click my blog, look through my blog and then message me rude things. “But Kat, that’s hypocritical of you.” I KNOW! I’m not untouchable either and I realize you have your right to send me those messages, but I’m not holding a gun to your head and telling you to waste your time. This is where your delusional bubble bursts. If you’re going to message me horrid things, I’m going to ask just this one thing of you, don’t do it on anon. Show me that you have a thick skin and can deal with people having opinions that make you uncomfortable.

6) Habits. I know the F/A is going to use smokers as a scapegoat. Let me just tell you, I begged and pleaded my family to quit smoking when I was a kid. But as I grew up I realized people needed their coping mechanisms or habits that they do. For me, I have a smoke when I go out on the town. I also pre-game. I have the terrible habit of drinking energy drinks. They’re not good for you but I moderate my consumption. If I drink a red bull one day, I go two days without coffee. When I was 147lbs my diet consisted of deep fried pizza and junk food but I also did zero exercise. I wasn’t moderating my habits.

Also using food as an emotional coping mechanism is not cool. You shouldn’t do that because food isn’t meant for that. The same way alcohol isn’t meant for it or working out. You need to deal with your baggage. You need to face your shit and deal with it another way so you can get your head on straight and deal with your weight. Am I saying adapt an eating disorder? No! Eating disorders are a mental illness not a lifestyle.

Anyways, that’s my opinion on F/A and such. My inbox is open and all I ask is for you to not use anon if you want to give me hate. You can’t change my mind.

#fat acceptance #fat activism #fat #fatphobia #haes #anti haes #body postivity #mental illness #eating disroders #health at every size #thin privilege #fatphobic #fatphobes #health

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ed-edward-blackbeard · 6 years

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long-ass fucking questionnaire

yoooooooo, I did it all.

I’m starting this at 1:15 in the morning. Let’s see how long it takes me to finish. cause I’m a masochist, apparently.

1: My name? do I HAVE to? Okay, it’s Kelly. But I really hate it, so usually I go by Kel. A few lucky ones get to call me Kelly, but only because I love the way my name sounds when they say it. There, my dirty secret is out.

2: Do I have any nicknames? A plethora. Artie (after the fish), Fluffie (long story) Jellybean

3: Zodiac sign? The most Libra Libra that has ever Libra’d.

4: Video game I play to chill, not to win? I don’t play video games. But I play a few online games, so Doctor Who: Legacy

5: Book/series I reread? The Black Dagger Brotherhood by JR Ward (Series) The Harry Potter books Morgan Chase and the Gods of Asgard by Rick Riordan (series) Good Omens (Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett) Watchers (Dean Koontz) Insomnia (Stephen King)

6: Aliens or ghosts? I have nothing against either. But I enjoy writing about ghosts more.

7: Writer I trust enough to read whatever they write? Stephen King

8: Favourite radio station? NPR, strangely enough.

9: Favourite flavour of anything? Lemon. I still thoroughly enjoy chocolate, but my radiation therapy changed the way it tasted.

10: The word that I use all the time to describe something great? Awesome. Both with and without the addition of the adjective “fucking”

11: Favourite song? My standard answer is, ‘Everything Louder Than Everything Else’ by Meat Loaf, because I truly love that song, but lately I’ve been on a Game of Thrones kick, and i’m stuck on “The Rains of Castamere” by Sigur Rios and “The Bear and the Maiden Fair” because it’s such a Jaime x Brienne song.

12: The question you ask new friends to get to know them better? Bold of you to assume I have friends.

13: Favourite word? sycophant, gestalt, melancholy

14: The last person who hurt me, did I forgive them? After about, oh, ten years or so, yes I did. It’s a new thing for me. usually I hold grudges until the end of time.

15: Last song I listened to? “Stairway To Heaven” by Led Zeppelin

16: TV show I always recommend? Current: American Gods, Better Call Saul Cancelled/ended: Hannibal (NBC), Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood

17: Pirates or ninjas? Drink up me hearties, yo ho! Yo ho, yo yo ho, a pirate’s life for me.

18: Movie I watch when I’m feeling down? Usually something from the Disney/Pixar Ouvre. Except UP. UP makes me sob in the first ten minutes, so no.

19: Song that I always start my shuffle with/wake-up song/always-on-a-loop song? Du Hast, Rammstein.

20: Favourite video games? Puzzles and Dragons, Doctor Who: Legacy, Dragonvale

21: What am I most afraid of? Snakes, without a doubt.

22: A good quality of mine? I’m creative

23: A bad quality of mine? I don’t think before I speak, so i sometimes don’t end up saying what I mean to say and hurt/offend in the process.

24: Cats or dogs? Bi-petual with a preference to cats

25: Actor/actress you trust enough to watch whatever they’re in? Bruce Campbell. Alien Apocalypse, anybody?

26: Favourite season? Winter

27: Am I in a relationship? No, although I do love someone very much

28: Something I miss? Being a kid, with all the possibilities of my life still ahead of me

29: My best friend? @mummyholmesisupset and @silvarbelle. they tie.

30: Eye colour? Hazel-greenish, with a little bit of sunflower around the pupil

31: Hair colour? Normally, a pretty chestnut brown. sometimes I bleach it or dye it.

32: Someone I love? @silvarbelle, she’s my sister-from-another-mister, and I will throw hands for that bitch in a heartbeat.

33: Someone I trust? @mummyholmesisupset because she’s earned it a hundred times over. @silvarbelle because I love her like family.

34: Someone I always think about? My grandmother. she died when I was seventeen, and I still miss her.

35: Am I excited about anything? My birthday

36: My current obsession? Gam of thrones, Doctor Who, Hannibal, the MCU

37: Favourite TV shows as a child? Thundercats, Scooby Doo, 60s Batman, My Favorite Martian, the Monkees

38: Do I have someone of the opposite sex that I can tell everything to? No, thank God.

39: Am I superstitious? Not overly, but I do have a few.

40: What do I think about most? Writing

41: Do I have any strange phobias? Is arachnophobia strange?

42: Do I prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? Behind it, dear God.

43: Favourite hobbies? Writing, reading, pinning things on Pinterest that I absolutely mean to do but probably never will

44: Last book I read? Watchers by Dean Koontz, and I’m in the middle of Fear by Bob Woodward

45: Last film I watched? Backdraft. “You go, we go.”

46: Do I play any instruments? Not since band class in the early 90s.

47: Favourite animal? Cat.

48: Top 5 blog on Tumblr that I follow? ??????? I don’t think I do.

49: Superpower I wish I could have? Manipulation of probability

50: How do I destress? Writing, watching Netflix, watching Mythbusters

51: Do I like confrontation? Like it, no. Good at it, yes.

52: When do I feel most at peace? When it’s quiet and the only noises are the clicking of the keyboard and my cats’ purring

53: What makes me smile? Cute animals, stupid puns, comments on fic

54: Do I sleep with the lights on or off? Off, except for my TARDIS nightlight

55: Play any sports? Fuck no.

56: What is my song of the week? Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

57: Favourite drink? 1% milk.

58: When did I last send a handwritten letter to somebody? A few months? It was to @mummyholmesisupset in fact.

59: Afraid of heights? Desperately so.

60: Pet peeve? Anchovies, people who don’t use coasters, and men who smoke in public places. (yes, it’s a movie reference. And if you get it, I will send you a shiny nickel)

61: What was the last concert I went to see? Black Sabbath’s Theater of Madness

62: Am I vegetarian/vegan/pescatarian? Fuck no. I am, in fact, omnivorous and diabetic.

63: What occupation did I want to do when I was younger? To be Daphne Blake in Mystery, Inc.

64: Have I ever had a friend turn enemy? Yep. Not fun.

65: What fictional universe would I like to be a part of? Hannibal’s. I’m not rude for the most part, so I have a pretty good chance at surviving.

66: Something I worry about? My future. Cancer has shortened my life span, my relatives are all 65+, and I am an only child with no children of my own (Thank Christ) I haven’t worked since 2004 (been caretaking sick parents) so I’m concerned.

67: Scared of the dark? I love the dark, so no.

68: Who are my best friends? @mummyholmesisupset @silvarbelle

69: What do I admire most about others? That they can do things, very well, that I can’t do. What that is varies from person to person

70: Can I sing? Not very well, but I don't let that stop me...

71: Something I wish I could do? Write professionally. I love writing fanfic, but I'd kill to be a real, published author.

72: If I won the lottery, what would I do? Pay off bills, go back to college, buy myself a car (pickup, Ford F-150 with fog lights and automatic steering), pay off my mom's bills, hire an aide to stay with Mom, move to my favorite city and hire a winter-time driver because I can't drive for shit in the snow/ice.

73: Have I ever skipped school? Nope. Often wanted to, never have.

74: Favourite place on the planet? Asheville, NC. Technically, it's Montreat, which is right outside of Black Mountain and is a township unto itself. It's also home to Montreat Bible College, established by Billy Graham, and the Chapel of the Prodigal. It is also home to Lake Susan, one of the most quiet and beautiful places on God's green earth, and I would live by that little lake if I could. I have photos in my Google Drive, I need to share them sometime. You'll see what I mean. But I love Asheville, too, downtown and all.

75: Where do I want to live? Asheville, NC. Except I can't drive in the snow and ice, so there's that.

76: Do I have any pets? I have two cats, Samhain Murray (Sam) and Margaret May (Maggie, Maggie May, Margaret Ann)

77: What is my current desktop picture? On my laptop, it's Oswald Cobblepot (Robin Lord Taylor) from Gotham. On my tablet, it's the Superman logo. On my phone, it's my cat, Sam.

78: Early bird or night owl? Night owl, given that it's 2:30 AM and I'm still working on this.

79: Sunsets or sunrise? Sunsets, please.

80: Can I drive? i don't know, can you? I can.

81: Story behind my last kiss? I kissed my cat on his cold wet nose because he was headbutting me and so I kissed him.

82: Earphones or headphones? Earphones, sadly. I prefer headphones, but headphones are uncomfortable because I wear glasses. So, earbuds.

83: Have I ever had braces? Did you? I don't know. Did I? Yes, I did, I fucking despised them.

84: Story behind one of my scars? in late 2004, I started getting very ill. I couldn't keep food down, I was puking all the time, pale and everything, so I went to the ER and found I had a mass the size of a basketball growing in my abdomen. I was shipped to the local cancer center because of the cancer markers, and at the tender age of 27, I got a hysterectomy. I was cut from my navel to my diaphragm, old school, because the mass was twenty-four pounds. Benign, thank goodness, but it had started to go necrotic and I was well into blood poisoning (the reason I was puking and sick all the time). I still have the scar, and always will.

85: Favourite genre of music? instrumental celtic.

86: Who is my hero? I don't know that I have one, as such

87: Favourite comic book character? SUPERMAN, BABY. SUCK MY DICK BATS

88: What makes me really angry? Mistreatment of people and animals. Abuse of people and animals.

89: Kindle or real book? Both have their benefits, but I love the weight and feel of a real book. I love the portability of a Kindle.

90: Favourite sporty activity? Marathon TV-binge

91: What is one thing that isn’t tight in schools that should be? There's NOTHING RIGHT in schools

92: What was my favourite subject at school? Creative writing

93: Siblings? Nope, my parents saw their mistake and decided never again.

94: What was the last thing I bought? A pair of Sperry deck shoes with Han Solo and Chewbacca on them.

95: How tall am I? 5'6

96: Can I cook? yes, I can. perhaps not well, but I can cook enough to feed myself and my mom.

97: Can I bake? Yes, I can. I'm a SLIGHTLY better baker than a cook.

98: 3 things I love? Writing, my cats, Christopher Reeve

99: 3 things I hate? So many things. Um, spiders, snakes, creepy clowns

100: Do I have more girl friends or boy friends? at the moment, girl. when I was in school? boy.

101: Who do I get on with better, girls or boys? General rule? Boys, or girls that are kind of not-ultra-girly.

102: Where was I born? North Carolina, that hotbed of conservative bullshit. I'm actually ashamed to admit that's where I'm from.

103: Sexual orientation? I'm working on figuring that out. Let's call it bisexual for now, and I'll update you as it happens.

104: Where do I currently live? North Carolina, sadly.

105: Last person I texted? @mummyholmesisupset

106: Last time I cried? Today. I was watching WALL-E on STARZ, and UP came on while I was finishing dinner. By the time Ellie was miscarrying, I was bawling.

107: Guilty pleasure? I'm not really guilty about my pleasures, but I do have a soft spot for mind-candy romance novels. Like Johanna Lindsey, Nina Bangs, Harlequin, etc.

108: Favourite Youtuber? I hate Youtubers.

109: A photo of myself. uh, no.

110: Do I like selfies? fuck no.

111: Favourite game app? Doctor Who: Legacy

112: My relationship with my parents? It varies from moment to moment. My dad never really understood me, and after he got sick and was in a coma for awhile, it changed him. so there was never really a chance for him to try. My relationship with my mom is... complicated. Sometimes we're BFFs and finish each other's sandwiches, and other times, we hate each other's guts and would gladly murder each other and bury the bodies in the backyard.

113: Favourite accents? Spanish, English/Scottish, all the Asian ones (the gentleman that runs my local Chinese restaurant speaks Cantonese and Mandarin both, and I could listen to that all day.)

114: A place I have not been but wish to visit? London, Dublin, Cork, Kerry, Scotland, Italy, Greece, New York, Japan, Los Angeles

115: Favourite number? 15

116: Can I juggle? Nope

117: Am I religious? Eh, not really. I go to bible study mostly because I have half a crush on the preacher.

118: Do I like space? YES.

119: Do I like the deep ocean? Not so much.

120: Am I much of a daredevil? NO

121: Am I allergic to anything? Ciprofloxacin, IV contrast dye, Mobic/meloxicam, Zofram/ondansetron, and a ton of fragranced products (I have sensitive skin that breaks out at the drop of a hat.)

122: Can I curl my tongue? Yep!

123: Can I wiggle my ears? Nope!

124: Do I like clowns? Yes, if they're cute. NOT PENNYWISE, I HATE PENNYWISE. But I love Tim Curry's Pennywise. But that's because Tim Curry is awesome.

125: The Beatles or Elvis? Elvis. I'm an Elvis chick.

126: My current project? "By Inches We Fall," a Game of Thrones fanfic that's Jaime Lannister x Brienne of Tarth. I'm also working on some Christmas projects involving spray paint and recycled K-Cups

127: Am I a bad loser? Horrible loser. I hate to lose.

128: Do I admit when I wrong? sometimes. depends on who I'm talking to, and the tone of the discussion. if it's a civil discourse, yes I will. If we're shouting? I'm not backing down.

129: Forest or beach? Forest. A forest doesn't leave sand in your butt crack.

130: Favourite piece of advice? Mind your own business and you won't be minding mine

131: Am I a good liar? I used to be.

132: Hogwarts house / Divergent faction / Hunger Games district? Slytherin/what the fuck is a Divergent/12

133: Do I talk to myself? i do, and sometimes I answer

134: Am I very social? HAHAHAHAHA NO.

135: Do I like gossip? sit by me and pour that tea, bitch.

136: Do I keep a journal/diary? I do, on paper, and you'll never read it.

137: Have I ever hopelessly failed a test? i failed every physics test I took in high school. after becoming a Mythbusters stan, I retook an online physics test and passed it.

138: Do I believe in second chances? depends on the situation and the person, but generally not. i have been known to give them, though.

139: If I found a wallet full of cash on the ground, what would I do? oh man. I'd like to say I'd turn it in untouched, but. I also know I've got medication pay for (mine and mom's), her insurance to pay for (i'm uninsured), groceries and gas to buy, so in all probability? I'd keep the cash but return everything else.

140: Do I believe people are capable of change? No. People are who they are. they might change what they think or what they believe in, but who they are? No.

141: Have I ever been underweight? AHAHAHAHAHA NO

142: Am I ticklish? ...there's no good way to answer. If I say no, you'll tickle me to prove it. If I say yes, you'll tickle me. But yes, I am. especially my feet.

143: Have I ever been in a submarine? WTF? No.

144: Have I ever been on a plane? Once, and never again

145: In a film about my life, who would I cast as myself, friends and family? Rebel Wilson as me, America Ferrera as @mummyholmesisupset, Kristen Bell as @silvarbelle, Jessica Lange as my mother, and I can't think of anyone else.

146: Have I ever been overweight? Always, am currently, though I'm working to lose it. I've lost about 50 lbs in the past year, so I'm doing okay

147: Do I have any piercings? Three in my right ear, two in my left.

148: Which fictional character do I wish was real? Hannibal Lecter.

149: Do I have any tattoos? nope, but I want a couple.

150: What is the best decision I have made in life so far? .....i haven't made a single good decision....

151: Do I believe in Karma? it bites me on the ass often enough, so yes I do.

152: Do I wear glasses or contacts? Glasses, and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna have to switch to bifocals next time

153: What was my first car? 1979 green Dodge Aries K

154: Do I want children? If they're furry and four-legged, sure.

155: Who is the most intelligent person I know? um, probably my uncle with two frigging masters degrees

156: My most embarrassing memory? I met John deLancie at a Star Trek con once, just coming down the stairs from his room to the con floor. And I fell all over myself talking to him because I was like, fourteen or something and he was tall and handsome and genuinely happy to be tthere and I was basically every fangirl's nightmare.

157: What makes me nostalgic? watching old TV shows I loved as a kid, or reading books I haven't read in years.

158: Have I ever pulled an all-nighter? Yep

159: Which do I value more in others, brains or beauty? brains. i'm practically a zombie.

160: What colour mostly dominates my wardrobe? Purple and fuschia equally.

161: Have I ever had a paranormal experience? Not as such, no.

162: What do I hate most about myself? Everything?

163: What do I love most about myself? I like my hair.

164: Do I like adventure? only the ones in books.

165: Do I believe in fate? not really.

166: Favourite animal? Felis cattus

167: Have I ever been on radio? nope

168: Have I ever been on TV? nope

169: How old am I? 42

170: One of my favourite quotes? "Lock the door. And hope they don't have blasters."

171: Do I hold grudges? you bet your bippy I do. (what is a bippy and why are you betting it?)

172: Do I trust easily? No.

173: Have I learnt from my mistakes? I hope I have. But I suspect I haven't.

174: Best gift I’ve ever received? A single cupcake and a rosebud, given to me by the nurses at the cancer treatment center because it was my birthday and I was having radiation and felt absolutely shitty. so they surprised me with a little cupcake and a rose for my birthday and it made me feel better.

175: Do I dream? Yep.

176: Have I ever had a night terror? Yep

177: Do I remember my dreams, and what is one that comes to mind? I remember some of them, like the Continuing Adventures of Roxy, the Pink Police Poodle.

178: An experience that has made me stronger? My breakups.

179: If I were immortal, what would I do? Sleep a lot, read even more, learn everything that I never had before.

180: Do I like shopping? I do!

181: If I could get away with a crime, what would I choose to do? Bank robbery.

182: What does “family” mean to me? family is a group of people, not necessarily related by blood, who have chosen to band together in love and support of each other.

183: What is my spirit animal? According to my meditation quest, it's a wolf. But I'm not really comfortable saying that because it wasn't a real vision quest, I'd have to go to the res for that (i have Cherokee blood on my father's side) and I haven't.

184: How do I want to be remembered? As someone who tried to be good.

185: If I could master one skill, what would I choose? Woodcarving.

186: What is my greatest failure? I dropped out of college in the 90s, when I had an accident that broke my ankle. I never went back.

187: What is my greatest achievement? five-year survivor, cancer-free!

188: Love or money? Money, sadly.

189: Love or career? love

190: If I could time travel, where and when would I want to go? Am I an observer like the Doctor? If yes, then I would go back to the Globe Theater and see all of Shakespeare as it was originally performed. Am I living there, stuck? Future, please.

191: What makes me the happiest? Writing.

192: What is “home” to me? Where I lay my head.

193: What motivates me? How I feel, what I see, something that fascinates me.

194: If I could choose my last words, what would they be? Wake me up when it's over

195: Would I ever want to encounter aliens? Depends on if they're hostile or kind.

196: A movie that scared me as a child? The Dark Crystal. I love it now.

197: Something I hated as a child that I like now? V-8 juice

198: Zombies or vampires? oooh, both. But vampires.

199: Live in the city or suburbs? Suburbs

200: Dragons or wizards? Dragons all the way, man. I love dragons.

201: A nightmare that has stayed with me? Its always the same. I'm being chased by someone/something, it's always getting closer, and it sounds like a loud, roaring motorcycle. And I'm always running or racing through the Black Lodge from Twin Peaks (the place with all the red curtains and the black/white zig-zag floor. That place freaks me the fuck out, and ever since the show aired, it's been in my nightmares)

202: How do I define love? Love is not love, that alters when it alteration finds, nor bends with the remover to remove; O no, it is an ever fixed mark, that looks on tempests and is never shaken.

203: Do I judge a book by its cover? sometimes. I've found great books in the bargain bin that way. I've also found a few stinkers. Come to think of it, I've found a few people that way too. Some great, some stinkers.

204: Have I ever had my heart broken? I have.

205: Do I like my handwriting? i do, actually

206: Sweet or savoury? Savoury

207: Worst job I’ve had? Market research interview administrator. I was one of those assholes that flagged you down in the mall and made you watch a commercial or a movie trailer, or try a snack product and then asked you a billion and five questions about it

208: Do I collect anything? Funko POPs, Superman memorabilia, Star Wars and Star Trek memorabilia, penguins, mooses

209: Item of clothing or jewellery you’ll never see me without? my dragon ring, my pocketwatch

210: What is on my bucket list? I don't have one

211: How do I handle anger? Depends. I sometimes hold it in, but most times I blow like a firecracker. hot and hard, and then I cool off.

212: Was I named after anyone? my dad's uncle Kelly, and my mom's father Ray (i'm Kelly Rae)

213: Do I use sarcasm a lot? me? sarcastic? Perish the thought.

214: What TV character am I most like? Dobie Gillis.

215: What is the weirdest talent I have? I can twirl just about anything like a baton and not drop it

216: Favourite fictional character? Ashley j. Williams

3:24 AM. Son of a bitch.

#everything you ever wanted to know about me #but were afraid to ask

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xtremedespair3d · 3 years

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Should I move to WordPress?

This is kind of a sudden thing for me to talk about, but it’s something that I started thinking out of the blue this Thursday afternoon and I think I’m so close to make the final decision to actually do it because it’ll benefit me better for my blogging hobby in a better platform with better features, I might completely switch to WordPress for good.

For starters, the WordPress I’m talking about is the freemium version, WordPress.com, there’s no way I could use WordPress.org because I need to make a domain for it, and I don’t have the money to afford one and I think using WordPress.org might still require some coding to tweak some things, which is a hard pass.

I breifly talked about some things about moving to WordPress on my Twitter, but I think it’s best to explain in more detail as to why I want to move to WordPress.

Why should I move to WordPress?

As much as I like the theme I’m using in Tumblr, there’s this big problem with the pictures where it gets compressed so bad that the pictures look incredibly small. Just look how small it is.

And the worst part is if you click to view the picture, the compression really affected the actual resolution.

I’ve been running a test dummy website in WordPress and I chose this theme that I think it looks really cool, it has the style I like, but it still has the same problem with the image resolution when reading posts.

Although I think it looks somewhat better, it doesn’t look incredibly small compared to how Tumblr looks, but what’s better is that the compression doesn’t affect the resolution of the image when you click “View image” on Firefox (Or “Open tab to view image” in Chrome) and at least the placeholder tier shown here is normal, but when I put other images and I click “view image,” there’s this forced WordPress.com thing with menus all over, and no matter what you do, you can’t look at the bare image in your browser. Let’s just hope for the best that it doesn’t affect the resolution when you save those images.

Basically WordPress offers far better formatting options than Tumblr does if you’re using the Rich Text editor, and that’s what I’ve been using for my whole life, I don’t even bother using the HTML editor because I don’t know anything about coding at all. WordPress has this neat text editor where any item you put, some text or an image and they’re all set in blocks and it gives you some options right off the bat, we all know the basic text features like bold, headline, etc, but the headline is a life saver because I can make headlines at different sizes to balance the topics and stuff and that’s something I wouldn’t do in Tumblr’s rich text editor. I can even put images with no problem and the “Featured Image” option in WordPress works really good if your posts have thumbnails, I always tried to emulate this with Tumblr by just adding the picture on top of the text as if it was a thumbnail, it worked fine but I guaranteed it’s not as good of actually setting up your thumbnail as an option.

There’s also the option to add dividers which is something I really need for Tumblr, Tumblr did use to have dividers but for some reason they removed and I’ll just have to add pictures or something.

I did try a different theme on WordPress and the images look far better than this theme I’m using, but the problem with WordPress as well as Tumblr, is that 99% of the themes aren’t even that good, they just focus way too much on galleries and even the blog focused ones are just very cluttered with junk I don’t even need and defeats the purpose of wanting to make a blog site, this WordPress theme, the Rowling theme, is the kind of style that I like, I like my blogs to be like this classic style with the widgets like search, archive and such on the right while I get the posts and stuff on the left. It may not be as cool as the Tumblr one I’m using and the Rowling theme still has some flaws but it’s still going to do fine.

The other theme I tried was the Penscratch 2 theme which gears towards more blogging and it’s the kind of style that I like, although I used to like the theme but now I grew tired of it because I didn’t like how it looked anymore and the color options are extremely limited. The Rowling theme, on the other hand, allows me to customize 3 out of 5 options, I may not change colors in some areas but for the most part it’s far enough for me to use the theme.

Tumblr is a dead site

Another reason why I want to move on to WordPress is for the potential to get better attention unlike Tumblr which is non-existent (I mostly share links of the posts to some Discord servers I occasionally interact with, but I do wish the posts by themselves would get some tractions, I don’t know if it’s the tags but they should get something), mainly because no one on this day and age uses Tumblr anymore because they nuked all of the NSFW content, and that’s probably what caused people to boycott Tumblr for good.

Another problem Tumblr has is being owned by different companies like Yahoo and Verizon which served no good, especially after the porn content purge, but I COMPLETELY forgot that Tumblr was recently acquired by Automattic, the company that owns WordPress. Well, this post has already become quite the irony considering I want to move to WordPress, although I don’t think they’ll do any favors to Tumblr, and as the title of this category implies, Tumblr is dead at this point.

Despite Tumblr being bought by the owner of WordPress, it doesn’t really do anything for me, they’re not even adding some quality of life improvements to redeem Tumblr, hell, they probably won’t even redeem Tumblr, so might as well switch to WordPress which works far better as a blogging platform.

What about the posts I published throughout the years?

I originally thought I should rewrite every single post I made on the website for archival purposes, but I realized there’s a lot of them and it would be a pain in the ass to copy and paste everything, especially my New Year 2021 post which is probably the longest post I’ve ever made in my life (And nobody even read that, all that effort I put gone to waste).

I think it’s for the best to start from scratch, I was planning to launch the site with the HajiKo Anime Winter 2021 post (The Cells at Work Black + Cells at Work season 2 thing is a teaser), but at the same time I should make the first post being about my move to WordPress and I’ll leave a link to my Tumblr if anyone wants to read all my previous posts.

Conclusion

The more I’m trying to build my website with a dummy domain, the more I feel like I’m close to actually make the decision to actually move to WordPress for good, though it won’t take a while until April where I’ll launch the site with my new anime review post, like I mentioned earlier.

Despite the flaws the Rowling theme has and amongst other things, it just takes time and figure out what pages I’m going to make and other things and I’ll have a nicely polished website to completely move on from Tumblr for good.

By the way, I’m mainly going to use the free plan on WordPress, I don’t think I would like to spend money on upgrades for more features, even though I would like to have a good domain, SEO and even make money, I don’t think it’s going to be worth the investment if I want to pay for the plan religiously (I’m already financially struggling with paying for Netflix, Disney+, Arknights month pack, Ogata Tei’s Fantia and Sky-Freedom’s Subscribestar anyways).

For the moment I still have yet to finish my dummy site to get a better picture for how will the website turn out so I’ll eventually publish the real thing, so please wait patiently until that happens.

UPDATE - February 20th: I’m seriously having a hard time trying to make my website look good because every time I’m making a new page from scratch, the way the titles are formatted and everything just looks god awful! Everything is so narrow and it’s nothing like how the Rowling theme’s live demo is supposed to look like!

Look how gorgeous the live demo of the theme looks!

Compared to the absolute trash from making a page from scratch! Everything is so narrow, I hate this!

This is seriously disappointing me so bad to the point I don’t wanna move to WordPress anymore, there’s no other themes that I like to choose from.

---

My Carrd.

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survivorbahamas · 7 years

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EPISODE THREE: “I AM BRIAN HEIDEK” - BRIAN

idk whats happening int his game i was gone for one night and now im on a different tribe with ppl i dont know so this is gonna be fun

You last time I made a confessional, I was pissing myself off at the crazy bat shit Willa has said about our lovely Ysabela tribe. Well look at that. Just take a good look. Maybe snap a picture cause they last longer, but we still managed to scrape elimination and were still 6 strong at Final 14. Its hilarious when people have to eat their words.

Okay wyd? A swap already? At 15? This had to be planned to make us bond with our new tribes and everything. I thought I had to be done being peppy and preppy on Day 1, maybe on Day 19 to the new people you haven't seen at all prior to the merge. But on Day 9? This better play to our pretty faces. I don't want to go to my first tribal council and be the first one out via swap and be swap fucked yet again. #HeresToHoping

This tribe swap is not good for me at all considering the only person I know is Brian. Which means I have to make even more relationships

I'm really content with my new tribe swap because I've got Rob, I've got Julia Rae, I think I have a bond with Brian forming right now. I rely on pregame relationships so much at the moment and while that will make any stellar performance less impressive, at least I'm trying to learn from my mistakes. I want to play UTR but I don't know how believable that will be for everyone else... maybe I need to actually be over the top like usual? But then doesn't that set me up for a quick blindside??? I dunno! All I know is that Mitch and Chris and Zach need to go sooner rather than later. I gotta see to it that they are out of this game.

IS. THERE. ANYTHING. BETTER. THAN. BEING. SWAPPED. ALONE. Ya, there fucking is...literally everything. You couldn't give me Bodhi? I couldn't even get Rob? Maybe I can have the other half of the super idol as a reward for this GARBAGE? I'm here alone and idk anybody so I am going to LEVERAGE THIS SITUATION AND PLAY LIKE THE TRU QUEEN I CAN BE. I'm going to be tryin moves these people couldn't even conceive of honestly. I have nothin to lose. nuYsabela tribe is four original Cigateos and three original Eleutheras. Honestly, there are worse positions to be in because these majority groups will be vying for control, and maybe i'll just be forgotten about for a lil and I can exploit that to make my moves. Hopefully these tribes aren't that close and some of their members were inactive --as most of original Ysabela was. If they weren't, hopefully people are looking to work with me since i can really sway things in a vote on this tribe. Original Cigateo: Gage, Mitch, Jenna, Zach - I've talked to Gage and Mitch a little bit so far. I need to look into Mitch a little bit. I've seen him around before, and i'm certain a lot of people know him. Also Jaiden just called Mitch out for being the most threatening on my tribe, so maybe I can use that and his past relationships against him? But i'm not doubting that since I've heard of him, he must have some real talent in these games. Also it's never bad to have a bigger threat than yourself around in this game, so i'm going to focus on developing this relationship more tomorrow. I've also heard Gage's name before, so i'm going to look him up too. Im going to put my clutch research skills to the test on this one. Time to make moves, ya know? Original Eleuthera: Nick, Willa, Lily- Talked to all three a little. Willa made their tribe bonds look really weak, and if that's true, amazing. I'd rather get some of these Eleutheras out of here personally so that original Ysabela and their dysfunctional asses have a better chance at numbers later in the game. But I also don't want to get picked off by original Cigateo if I work to deplete original Eleuthera. Don't get it twisted, I want original Ysabela to have numbers because, with the exception of Bodhi and Chris, it was full of players I believe to have very little self-awareness, meaning I could manipulate them and hopefully get further in the game. Threats need to go, and the sheeple of original Ysabela are the ones I need to get to the end. Finally, I still have half the super idol/ it can be a regular idol if I need. This gives me some power, but I still don't plan on telling anybody. ldol tea only comes out to play if it can change the course of the game in a significant way. I have a clue to another idol on Ysabela too, which is nice because being the only original Ysabela tribe member left here means I should be the only one with this information. Maybe I could use it to gain some favor with a new ally? But i want to keep it to myself for another round because I think I could potentially find it faster and with more certainty alone. But also, i'm tryin not to get too cocky, paranoid, or set on either UTR or OTT gameplay in this season. I want to be flexible... so everything could change as soon as tomorrow!

Ho Ly Shit. We fucking swapped. I figured we'd wait just a little longer, but nope!! It's all about the TWISTS. Icky. In my view, a tribe should exist for more than just 2 challenges, so that it actually feels like a tribe rather than a temporary group. But whatever, I don't mind all that much. I'm glad to be on this new tribe, because I don't really like anyone from my old tribe except for Dana. Fortunately, due to this swap, no one will see myself and Dana as a pair, and I'll be able to get some of my old tribe picked off ideally. I've started my conversing, and I like Zachary. I want to work with Chris, but it also might be in my best interest to get him voted out. I don't want too many allies on the same sides, because that makes me a threat. I want an ally or two in each alliance, and hopefully that'll be enough to bring me to the end. My loyalty is completely with Dana, but I need a backup plan should she be voted out. My goal on this tribe is to form another alliance that will allow me to be on the right side of the merge vote at the very least. I'm here to win, and I intend to follow through with this goal. Perhaps it will work out, perhaps it wont, but I'm planning on playing the best game that I can this season. I don't really know what this challenge is, I'll just trust everyone else to try hard enough and make me win. I'll try to contribute, but winning challenges is the first step to losing the game.

The thing I love about swaps is that you get to meet new people and really form those newer bonds that didn't exist with the old tribal lines. But the thing is with my case. 5/6 of my old tribe is on Citageo 2.0 and we got Brian and Rob in place if Dana. Like wtf? I love my tribemates, but I'm at a disadvantage here if Rob and Brian can rekindle whatever relationships they have personally with my more known Tumblr tribemates. So I need this immunity win, and I really need to avoid tribal council at all costs.

Oh hey I just realized that 5/8 people on my new tribe are from original Ysabela. That sounds like a good thing, right? WRONG. If us 5 make it to the merge unhurt, then we're VERY easy targets. If the other tribe loses immunity, they might feel inclined to vote out Dana first, which is awful for me. I care about Dana more than the rest of my tribe combined, so I have nothing against flipping on Ysabela to make our numbers less threatening. I'll need one more person to help me do it, but I think it could work out. If I save these 3's asses, they're going to open up to me a bit more, and while I don't expect them to feel indebted to me, I do expect them to at least want to work with me more going forward. I don't like Jaiden or Adrian all that much anyway, so creating some lies about how they're sneaky and trying to lead the tribe should be easy as hell. I plan on contributing to this challenge just enough to make people not turn on me, but not enough to win. Dana will be going home if Nu Cigaretto or whatever the fuck we're called wins immunity. I hate big moves for big moves sake, but this might be an exception to the "big moves are for idiots" rule that I tend to play by. I'm getting in good with Zachary and Kai, and I'm trying to make Chris more inclined to work with me. Hopefully this shit will work out.

So I just realized that a good majority of this cast played in Big Brother Glenn or had a large part in it. Nicholas being a host, Jenna, Jaiden and Zach playing with me. Oh I can't wait to send them all to fucking tribal so they can be booted off one by one for the cumulative 23 votes I received. Actually, I hope they make the merge so I can personally send them home.

Honestly why is everyone gettin on my nerves today. First of all, I try to talk strategy with Lily, and get this: On 5/26/17, at 12:44 PM, Lily Douma wrote: > I'm not ready to think about it. Honestly. Haha let's forget about it. Or just win this thing. We can still win. UM WHAT? You think you're going to avoid talking strategy with me by just telling me you aren't in the mood? COME ON. Honestly that's not workin for me. Despite that, I still like her the most of anyone on my tribe. and then... On 5/26/17, at 1:07 PM, Lily Douma wrote: > Yeah that's super strange. I hope we win but even if we don't I hope you stick around. On 5/26/17, at 1:27 PM, Lily Douma wrote: > Thank you!!! You are too kind! I'm just a Chatty Cathy hahaha. But you are pretty easy to talk to and actually respond with more than two words which is amazing. UM HELLO? I will be sticking around, know that. Also I'm just like generally annoyed by Jenna's presence? Like idk her yet, but I just have this gut feeling we aren't going to click based on tribe/ immunity chat and that sucks. Also i'm going to need people to step it up in immunity. thx.

Highkey I like to write quality entries, but since this is to earn points for the challenge I'm going to not. Anyway, we had a tribe swap and so far I like pretty much everybody who has spoken to me. I sort of feel that there are people I haven't reached out to yet and that's my next objective on top of winning immunity.

So I know that Willa has an idol but we need to find the other side. Nicholas is also interested in working with Willa so I'm excited about that. Hopefully we can all make it to merge!

I miss kai on my tribe tho. I tell him everything. So it's hard to not talk about the idol because I really want to. I kinda hope my tribe loses so I don't have to worry about him getting voted out.

Jk. I love kai but I'm not ready to go home or get lost in this game. I'm super worried I won't find my way back. I can't afford to get lost in the Bermuda Triangle man. I ain't strong enough.

I decided to send myself ~away~ because this means that I might have an additional opportunity to find any advantages. My tribe is already five people strong from original Ysabela, so I'm not worried about being on the bottom of the numbers or anything, which means that I have literally nothing to worry about. I still want to work with Rob and Julia Rae though because they're honestly my closest allies and I rely on them A TON right now.

So our tribe is floundering at the moment, which isn't surprising. I wish I could do more to help out, but I just have no energy whatsoever. I'm not fast enough to think of survivor players to compare hosts to or write a 500 word essay.

Hello world. Already did a confessional today, but here is one for some points in Tasks. It isnt lookin too hot for my tribe right now tbh. But it's fine. I really like Lily and I'm ready to mix shit up. Also why is everyone bothering me. Like pls help me.

this is three sentences. nothing has really happened lately! this challenge is pretty hard but that's because i'm busy. i hope my tribe doesn't decide to vote me out :(

This game is just crazy. Between the other nights random spontaneous tribal, the also random tribe swap after 2 people and the magical idol board I've just discovered I'm confused as to what I'm even doing... to be fair as long as we win this immunity challenge and the rest, I won't complain. Let's just hope we don't get any more twists thrown at us any time soon because I don't think I'm ready for another one just yet..

Jaiden can choke. Brian is dumb. Kai is cool. Julia who? Bodhi whomst? Chips is cool.

Good time to actually send a confessional lmao. Anyways, a 4-3-1 swap is awkward being in the 3 because Dana could easily just flip, but hopefully we can convince her to stay close and for Zach to flip on the Cigs so that we can take control. If all else fails I just hope I use my idol correctly if I need to. Myself Lily and Nicholas could be in a great spot if we play this right, and then if we can realign with Kai and Brian we might just be ~unstoppable~ at the merge. Not that a boring pagonging is gonna be allowed by any one of us crazy losers.

OK OK OK (now ladies) So I've been talking to Chris about this new tribe, trying to plant the seeds of flippage. He has brought up that Julia and Jaiden are a pair, and I said that I think ADRIAN IS PART OF A TIGHT THREESOME WITH THEM. I'm trying to make Chris want to be a close ally of mine, and want to flip to join Kai/Brian/Rob and take out one of our old tribe members. I want to win this game, and making dumb big moves might unfortunately be in my best interest.

"Someone type gimmie in chat to get an individual advantage and go to tribal" So I go to tribe chat to type gimmie, even though I don't want any advantage, just because I want Dana to win immunity BUT SOMEONE ELSE GOT IT FIRST BUT THANK GOD ----- IT WAS ON MY TRIBE

http://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/survivor/images/2/23/Parvati_with_2_idols.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20120114024916 Who would've thought that little ol' me would be in the possession of my two least favorite powers in Tumblr Survivor history? I have not only a Sapphire idol, but now I have a CHAOS idol... and I don't think anyone is much the wiser! *Sarah voice* I'm playing like a criminal. I threw the challenge and RIGHT before I left, I told Rob and Julia that it was Bodhi because he wasn't speaking UNTIL the challenge had ended, almost right after it was announced that we had lost. I hope that little seed EXPLODES in their heads and they gun for him to go, and he won't even know what hit him! Although I'd prefer Chris take the boot, Bodhi will have to do for now. Sorry, bro! Along my personal advantaggedon, I have this cool little thing that forces the person of your choosing to take a self vote. I like this because it could help me out in the future with one of my idols being as effective as possible. For everything to go smoothly though, I really need to make sure that I'm set to make the merge without attending a SINGLE tribal council between now and then. I can't have an excuse to waste these things until that time comes, but with that being said I also need to make sure I'm in a good enough position to not *have* to use them in any period of time. Fingers crossed!

I love that we're in the lead. Chris, Brian and Rob are challenge beasts with this. Jaiden and I are like participating with the conversations and like boosting morale for Cigateo, while Julia, Kai and Bodhi haven't made a single appearance. And we're still winning because of those three. Huh who knew that Brian and Rob are really working to get immunity cause I guess their afraid of being eliminated premerge? Idk, cause there are 5 people from Ysabela 1.0 here on this swapped tribe and I guess that they are scared idk. I mean, both men are really really sweet people, and it would suck to see any of them leave before my og tribe. but hey what can you do?

And of course one of these selfish people had to sacrifice everything we had for an advantage that was probably not really worth it. Like was it a clue to the idol? to a legacy advantage? to a double vote? who knows? I'm just pissed that I have to vote someone off because I was really looking forward to taking the weekend off and like get to know my new tribemates more. But now, I have to press for someone's name and that's something I don't want to do?

Ok so no one was talking to me about the vote at first. Then Chris told me that he'd heard my name because PEOPLE THINK I'VE BEEN THROWING CHALLENGES????? Ok well I am but that's besides the point. Chris then said he threw out Julia, and after some more waiting, Adrian told me he'd heard both my name and Julia's. BIG IF TRUE. He also said he's not gonna be voting me. Hey, that's perfect. I don't want to go home without my fictional million dollars, and I won't take 16th place for an answer. Rob has also told me he's voting Julia

Well not only we forfeited the lead to this challenge, people are targeting to breakup the Ysabela 5? Is that some alliance I wasn't notified about? Just because we have the majority on this new tribe and that we happened to play the first 6 days of this game together? I know that people are on the outs trying to find a way in- but that is the shittiest reason to target people because of some rat that threw the lead. Like, that is really really pathetic, and I can't deal with ridiculous that sounds. Well if it does go through, I just hope I don't get the boot cause going home third would really really suck.

Lol Jaiden. I don't know about him. We have this bond with Hoenn, and I was counting on him not being present for tribal council, but lo and behold- he's back. I should be relieved but I don't think that it was smart of him to be "back". Like if you're given the chance to escape tribal council and not vote/not get votes for, I would take it the first chance I can. But here he is saying that "I don't like doing nothing for an extended period of time." ............. I- BITCH! YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING IN THE FIRST PLACE... PERIOD! This game irritates me and I won't stand for it. I can wait for a given chance to go ham in this game.

me: here's a good strategic idea! also me: jk let's use my powers for teh lolz! I think I'm gonna play my sapphire idol tonight to make some big moves. Actually, just one big move. I'm going to send Chris's ugly ass to the prejury home of losers... all because he's coming for my actual mother, Julia Rae. We'll see how this goes! That's all for now because I have NO IDEA WHAT IM DOING

I am screwed. I'm the only cigarette left on Cigarette. Fuck! And I was starting to really like Gage too but I called it! I told him we're swapping cause an instant was sketchy for round two. On my tribe there's Jaiden, Brian, Adrian, Bodhi, Kai, Chips, and Julia. Right now, I'm talking to Brian. He's been active and he was on urethra which is also in minority on this tribe. He talked about how me, him, and Kai should work together, and I'm down for it as long as it keeps me safe. However, I know that Brian is sketchy and not someone I'm really keen on. There's Jaiden and Chips. I love Chips, but I'm worried he may hold our previous experiences against me. Jaiden is such a wild card I don't know what to expect from him. He told me he wanted a F2 but he said that to me the last times we played too and I couldn't trust him. Julia is a part of that BB group I'm seeing and we played in a mini before, she voted for me everytime and I'm upset about it. Adrian is cool, and so is Kai,. Bodhi has been MIA. The immunity is tasks and I'm trying to do a lot for my tribe so they don't think I'm worthless and I can keep me safe. I poured water over my head! And put vegetable oil in my yogurt! Brian is really trying to build trust with me. He freaking shared the idol clue with me and revealed he lost the points for our tribe. Always Eat Soggy Waffles. Whether it's faked or not we'll see, but I assumed North before cause all the hosts are from the north. I'm happy I was out and had an alibi which actually happened. Thanks fam for losing my social security and birth certificate. The challenge was fun but someone took us to tribal for a freaking advantage when we were in the lead. And now this fucking tribal is a mess. I'm pretty sure that Bodhi took the advantage. It just screams Bodhi whatever the fuck his unique last name is. He's inactive also but I know he's smart, and he's going to be the death of this tribe, but people want Julia, and I can see it. She's also inactive and she has more connections with people. Adrian threw out Kai's name cause he didn't accept friend requests, but I am sort of working with Kai. Kai is with Brian though, and I can't necessarily trust Brian. It kept on switching back and forth, but in order to save myself in this game, I thought that I should try to appease Adrian, give him what he wants and vote Kai. Adrian is clearly with Julia and Bodhi, but I'm already fucked up as it is. I wanted Bodhi, he's not trustworthy at all, damn it. I'm already screwed over. I'm breaking the trust of my allies. And i can't fucking deal with this. Fuck this. Fuck everything. Bodhi can choke. Julia can leave. Kai can stay in the UK. Brian can not speak ever again. Everything can just go ahh! I hate this, I hate everything. I shouldn't have applied to this game. I should of just never played an org again I know that this is the shit that happens and it's so stupid. Whoever took that advantage, I will fight you. I'm an idiot. I'm the worst. I suck at this game. Andrea was talking about me not Zeke.

The whole 4 hours leading up to the tribal, everything is chaotic. You first see me throwing Bodhi's name around and then having people jump on the gun like Rob. He's telling me that he's known for sabotaging the tribe for secret advantages, and he's doing all the dirty work for me- telling Chris, Brian and Jaiden. Next comes Chris, who's not so sure that Bodhi is the right person to vote, and I had to find this out from Brian, who told me that he wanted Julia out. So I talk to him and I'm like wtf, shes one of the original Ysabela. We have 5 people strong and you're gonna waste it on Julia? How stupid can you be? We should be taking it out on Kai, the one person that hasn't been talking to anyone (well me mainly). But aside from that. WTF!?!? Couple hours later, Julia FINALLY arrives and talks strategy, and she's a helluva sweet person. Like Chris targeting her is extremely stupid and really really dumb on his part, and so we created the "Howdy" alliance with myself, Julia, Jaiden, and Rob and we all decided that with the inactive Kai that makes 5 people voting Kai and we save Julia and Bodhi, and keep my plans of Ysabela strong at 5. So I am confident that this will work!!

Okay wtf was that? A blind tribal with a chaos idol? Holy fuck. Jaiden is a savage motherfucker and I didn't realize how much of an asshole he can be for sabotaging our tribe like that for a secret advantage that took out one of our strongest members. Like I love Chris and everything, but he played his own self and I am here on Day 11, happy and dandy and really I'm just glad that Jaiden didn't target me at all. Since it is Day 11, I think I need to assess my new tribe after that chaotic voteoff. - Julia is safe and she thinks that I'm her #1 ally. - Bodhi is safe cause he thought I voted with him and kept him in the loop about voting Julia - Brian thinks that I'm the one Ysabella that would "let him in" on my plans with the 5, cause he's desperately scared of going home premerge. - Rob is a sweetheart, but I don't know how he plays considering that he will jump on anything that would take him further in this game. - Jaiden, phew KING of surviving the Triangle and pulling off that dangerous move. I think that he's gonna be target number one if we don't win this next immunity challenge, but I could not care less because that means I'm safe for another few days and he can take his risky ass back home! - Kai, should've gone home over Chris, but what can you do? I'll try to get him out this round.

So Brian comes to me after tribal council saying that the tribal was fucked over. I'm playing the sweet little innocent that is playing the sympathy card. Sure I was blindsided by the vote too but with me, I never wanted Julia or Bodhi to go home. I wanted Kai gone and with Chris sprouting Julia's name left and right- I got over that shock immediately and I'm trying to console Brian as much as I can. He's like this adorable puppy that gets scared with literally everything. I'm just petting him and calming him down. Making sure he's sedated and doesn't do anything wild that might screw me in the process before its time for me to neuter him >:)

Ok, so CHRIS went home. This is not good. This is not good at all. I've just lied to you. I'm glad to have been blindsided. I'm now getting an opportunity to build even closer trust with Kai, and I think that'll be incredibly valuable for me.

Im the fucking worst

Guess who is REAPING SOME INFO me So Kai told me that when you search North, mossy, mossy pit, there's an "idol table," which basically asks you to put in a number every day to see if you find something. I'll be looking there when I get the chance. Then Dana told me that she got the clue "Never Eat Sucky Waffles. What's wrong with this?" We're thinking out the possibilities. She thinks that Sucky not being Soggy is the problem, but I think the problem is that it left out Middle. But who knows. I've worked on solidifying bonds with Kai and Rob, and I think it's going to really pay off in the long run. It better. If they're lying to me, I'm fucked, because I'm saying stuff about disliking my old tribe mates to gain their trust

Ok, I have a dilemma. I want to win this next challenge, because I want to prove to my tribe that I'm not gonna be throwing challenges. However, I don't want Dana to go home, and I do want Adrian to go home. I also want to get rid of Jaiden and Julia. Throwing the next 3 challenges would be in my best interest if not for the fact that people are aware of my challenge throwing past. I need to prove my worth so that I don't get voted out, but I also need to play a smart game.

Ya girl got an idol board tonight. Catch me getting all the idols this season honestly.

From looking past seasons that used an idol board, I know using it alone is kind of ineffective. If I can look 1 time a day with 81 options, my odds aren't great. Right now I literally can't tell anyone about it though, because everyone I trust is on the other tribe and his name is Bodhi. I tried to tease out some idol info from Lily tonight, since she and I have been getting close since swap. We literally have so much in common, more than anybody i've met in an ORG before, so that makes talking really easy. She said she's been looking in the ocean and hasn't found anything. Ok chill. Maybe that's tru, there are 9 places to look... BUT I looked there once and found a clue tho sooo. Perhaps Lily is lyin or maybe she isn't, I can't tell, so i'm not giving her any hints about the idol board. But I did tell her I got an extra idol search from reward in good faith to build trust. Also am I being terrible or is Jenna actually annoying? I might target her if given the chance. On 5/29/17, at 1:14 AM, jenna (kamikaze host) wrote: > what does my mango do UMM IDK BUT PROBABLY SOMETHING SINCE YOU WON'T STOP BRINGING IT UP LIKE THOSE DAMN FRUITS ARE USELESS.

It's really not looking good for us again... I think we're gonna have to goto tribal... again

Today, I attempted to bolster my relationship with Kai. I was trying to talk to him about the challenge, but he said something along the lines of "my score isn't very high yet, I'm gonna go play minecraft." Right away, I think back to my old addiction. I used to play way too much minecraft, but I haven't in about 2 years now. That is, up until today. Kai wants to play minecraft? Then so do I! We get in a call, and talk about a bunch of different stuff. Nothing substantial, but enough to make him feel like I'm very much on his side. And I am on his side, but I need to make sure that he trusts me enough going forward. He asked me how many survivor ORGs I've played, so I told him the answer (5 including this one) and he told me his answer (this is his first.) He seems to trust my judgment in terms of who is the best vote enough to at least consider what I'm saying, but not enough to consider it infallible. To be honest, I'm glad thats the case. I don't want to be his 'superior' per say, I'd rather be his guiding friend who he couldn't survive without. We talked about seasons that he likes, and out of the few seasons that he's seen, Game Changers and Cambodia are in his top 3. That's an icky set of choices in my opinion, but he's entitled to disagree. He likes seasons because of strategy, which is very valuable to know. He'll be down for a good strat talk, but he'll also be too ready to make a big move if he feels threatened by me. I hope he is enough of a baby bird that he wants to stick with me permanently, but I do think that he has the potential to flip on me. I don't think that he is planning on doing so yet, but if the opportunity arises at final 7ish, I wouldn't be that surprised. I LOVE THIS CHALLENGE. I am CREMATING everyone else. I am CIRCUMCISING them with DENTAL FLOSS. This challenge is MINE TO WIN. can i get an amen please?

I just decimated this challenge so hard. I needed to do something to redeem my throwing challenges in the past. I spent most of my 17th birthday playing this challenge, and I was done already in the very morning with my highest score. What a massive waste of a day. Now I'm a challenge threat to some extent. Icky

Daisy just told me to make a confessional. I just made one, but I'll make another for you daisy

This. Sucks. I don't wanna. I don't wanna. Well. I have so many ideas of who should go home but idk. We will see.

I'm probably going to get voted out. I haven't talked with anyone because of this illness and going camping. Maybe they'll be better off without me anyway.

The past few challenges had 2 of our castaways have birthdays. 1 of them did really really shitty on the reward challenge and really cost us a fruit basket and a challenge advantage. Then, the other literally outscored everyone in this immunity challenge and gave us the night off- even with the advantage going into the challenge. This is the second time where I'm immune from tribal council where the opposing tribe had an advantage. It seems to me like these reward challenges with advantages as the reward prove to be really ironic and I love that!! If I can get to the merge with little blood on my hands I'll be set.

Me doing the best in the challenge on my tribe? A concept. Like I'm always useless when it comes to challenges so if I'm doing well and you aren't, it's because you aren't trying. I knew this was going to happen because I'M SMART AND I SEE RIGHT THROUGH THESE PEASANTS. They don't give a fuck about the challenge because they have better shit going on, but guess what? Now my ass is on the line and the people on my tribe probably think i'm an easy elim. Except me and my girlfriend the hidden immunity idol are here to shake shit up and push our own agenda. The only person who is even talking to me after this loss is Gage, and if that isn't telling then idk what is. Lily is probably just not around right now to be honest and i'm sure we'll talk later, but I have no idea what everyone else is thinking. [5/29/17, 10:23:30 PM] Dana: fuck, i hate this so much. now im worried. any thoughts? [5/29/17, 10:23:35 PM] Gage :): None [5/29/17, 10:23:42 PM] Gage :): Like I'm basically voting where you vote [5/29/17, 10:23:46 PM] Gage :): Because I'm not gonna lie [5/29/17, 10:23:58 PM] Gage :): The only people on this tribe that speak to me are you and lily [5/29/17, 10:24:14 PM] Dana: haha aint that the truth. I literally only talk to you and lily [5/29/17, 10:26:06 PM] Dana: i have no idea how to vote, but i really want to work with you and Lily no matter what [5/29/17, 10:26:26 PM] Gage :): Literally exact same [5/29/17, 10:26:28 PM] Gage :): Honestly [5/29/17, 10:26:39 PM] Gage :): If us 3 stick together we could probably control this vote Gage wanted to pull in Mitch, and confirmed he wasn't close with Jenna and Zach, so hopefully I can work with Mitch too. Lily and I were already close and this morning I found out Willa is close with her too, that they think they have Nick from their OG tribe, and that they are getting closer with Zach. So the plan I heard was: Gage, Lily, Willa, Mitch, Me, and probably Nick/ Zach. Well that only leaves Jenna to go, except Zach and Jenna are close and nobody threw her name out there. As long as it isn't me, Lily, or Gage at this point idrc who goes home because those are the people I see myself working with moving forward in the game. UPDATE: As I write this, Gage has gone missing. Of course, the bitch herself, random.org, is out to ruin my plans once again. Gage better crawl his way back to this tribe because I need him. I'll even go save his lost ass myself if I have to. If things don't start coming together really soon, I'm playing my idol and Jenna and her infamous boyfriend are out of here.

Yes!! Finally we don't have to go to tribal council this feels so good!!!

to know its me from now on, imma start each of my confessionals off with three stars. *** okay, so let me break down the vote. I have no fucking idea who's leaving. I'm closely aligned with Jenna and Nicholas, kind of Lily. The thing is... Lily and I have a past that like... resulted in me voting her out/getting rid of her and like ruining her dreams. so, i feel bad and i do love love her sOOOO much and wanna work with her. The name i've been hearing is Mitch. I don't really wanna vote out one of my original tribe members from the Cigateo tribe but like I doubt that will come into play. I also like wIlla. this was boring ims orry lmao fuck

Rob just gave me the shittiest attitude, so guess who I'm going to get voted out next time we have tribal council?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ib5M-GUByMc&feature=youtu.be

Brian and I have convinced Adrian that Brian is Brian Heidik. Adrian is turning so fucking artificial and being such a fan girl. It's hilarious. I can't wait for Adrian to find out at the merge.

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