#cognitive diary

[externalmemorycomic]

Image description: a five page comic with messy writing and messy line drawings coloured with gouache. Each page has four panels and each panel has a caption and an image. Page one Caption: Mouse and Ruth go for drives a lot. Image: a red car drives down a country road. Caption: to stores and beaches and the dump where you can find cool things. Image: a white mouse looks up at a wall with doll’s heads nailed to it, labeled “wall of dolls”. Caption: I almost never join. Ruth asks, “isn’t My going stir crazy?” Image: a deer is driving a car, and the mouse sits on a pile of pillows on the passenger’s seat. Caption: but I’m so used to this I forget there’s anything to go crazy about Image: an orange cat lies in bed.

Page two Caption: When we lived in Malmö there were weeks I didn’t leave the apartment Image: the cat peeks out a window, looking at a pigeon that’s pooping on the window ledge. Caption: months I didn’t see anyone besides Mouse. I just couldn’t manage the stairs Image: the cat looks down an exaggerated, maze-like staircase. Caption: Mouse wasn’t much better off. I took up indoor “gardening” so we wouldn’t miss nature too much. Of course I often couldn’t water the plants. It felt bitter and symbolic when they died Image: the cat is in a different bed, looking at a house plant on a side table that’s beginning to wilt. Caption: here there’s no stairs and I have plants and bees right outside my window Image: the cat is in the first bed, drawing a comic. There’s a flower, a butterfly and a bee outside the window behind it.

Page three Caption: people tend to get frustrated with my acceptance Image: the cat takes down a half finished painting from an easel. Caption: even after we’ve talked a lot about my illness, they think I should plan ahead as if a cure is right around the corner Image: a rabbit is standing beside a table covered in unfinished canvases, looking at  one of them. The cat stands behind them, looking nervous. Caption: often it’s the same people who respond to tragedies you CAN fix by saying “life’s not fair” Image: the cat is rescuing bugs from drowning in a water barrel and the rabbit looks over its shoulder, looking annoyed. Caption: but when I let go of what I can’t have, they see it as defeat. Image: the cat is curled up and hiding in bed while the rabbit stands over them, frowning, holding the unfinished painting and waving two paintbrushes.

Page four Caption: I understand the impulse to say “maybe some day”. When it’s kindly meant, I value the intention. Image: The rabbit has its arm around the cat’s shoulder and waves towards a thought bubble. In the thought bubble the cat is floating and happy at the end of a rainbow with pink clouds, flowers and a smiling sky in the background. Caption: but few things are more dangerous to my soul than “maybe some day” Image: the cat huddles on the ground and hides its face. Right above the cat, as if pushing down, is a bigger thought bubble with images of the cat looking happy - dancing, being held, proudly painting, holding a baby. Caption: There is no greater wisdom in life than: fix what you can and accept what you can’t. Image: the thought bubble is breaking up and shrinking. The cat is sitting up, smiling at a dandelion beside it. Caption: some times, giving up isn’t just the only way to survive but to thrive, and leave room for joy. Image: The half finished canvases are burning on the ground and the cat walks away without looking back.

Page five Caption: today I’m sad because I’m in pain and I miss moving and doing Image: the cat is crying in bed. Caption: but when I thank God for giving me this life filled with blessings, it’s from the heart. Image: the cat wipes away some tears and looks a little happier. Caption: I am happy more often than not. I mostly cry from gratitude. There is no contradiction Image: the cat closes its eyes and is surrounded by a pink glow and red cartoon hearts. Caption: life will ask me to let go of much bigger things and maybe I can come with to the dump next time Image: the cat looks at the wall of dolls and says: “cool!” End ID. Here's some disability thoughts I had during my latest flare (hence the wobblier-than-usual lines and messy writing). I hope it makes sense even if I was pretty confused when I made it! I have POTS and ME/CFS, as well as ADHD and being autistic. Accepting the reality of being bed/housebound and hard-of-thinking often is going to be a life long effort but I'm getting there. Happy disability pride month!!! Reblogs are much appreciated! (if you wanna help me live and stuff and make more art and comics I have a Patreon. I post comic pages there on average once a day for the 3€ tier as well as other fun things! Link in my pinned post)

#comic #comics #original comic #web comic #webcomic #diary comic #slice of life #autobiographical comics #journal comics #comic artists on tumblr #external memory comic #slice of life comic #disability #disability pride #physical disability #cognitive disability #actually disabled #disabled art #me cfs #pots #myalgic encephalomyelitis #Postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome #described

[maomao9jinshi]

𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐚 𝐩𝐨𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐟𝐮𝐥 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠. Now we see Lakan's past. He suffers from Prosopagnosia, a cognitive disorder that does not allow him to distinguish faces. Since he was the eldest son, he was the heir of the family; however, his father thought he would be useless

#𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐚 𝐩𝐨𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐟𝐮𝐥 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠. #Now we see Lakan's past. He suffers from Prosopagnosia #a cognitive disorder that does not allow him to distinguish faces. Since he was the eldest son #he was the heir of the family; however #his father thought he would be useless #kusuriya anime #maomao and jinshi #jinshi #jinmao #love #anime #theapothecarydiaries #kusuriya no hitorigoto #the apothecary diaries

[ladycatashtrophe]

Possibly one of THE most frustrating things about experiencing cognitive awareness whilst having hallucinations/delusions/splitting episodes is getting that feeling, as if you're in the passenger's seat of a car, you've just looked over to the driver's seat to see nobody there, so you try to move to grab the steering wheel, but you're bound by invisible chains that shackle you to the passenger's seat as the car you're in speeds down the road, so your only hope to make it out alive as you struggle against the invisible chains is either that you suddenly grow superhuman strength and bust out, or you wait for the car to eventually crash or run out of gas so you can cry for help from horrified bystanders.

Or maybe that's just a personal thing because this entire scenario is based on a recurring dream I've had since I was a little girl that has followed me into adulthood, who knows

#bpd #borderline personality disorder #actually bpd #bpd awareness #hallucinations #delusions #delulu #cluster b #cluster b personality disorder #personality disorder #cognitive skills #cognitive behavioral therapy #dbt #dialectical behavior therapy #adhd #diary entry #my thoughts #personal anecdote #dreams #recurring dream #dream journal #dream interpretation #mental health #mental illness #dark academia #light academia #gothic academia #chaotic academia #creative writing #journal entry

[fingolfinwiththesteelchair]

Headcanon based entirely on this exchange that when Murderbot uses a response from its buffer, the response is completely pre-recorded in the most obnoxious customer service voice known to man

#murderbot diaries #murderbot #its face doesnt change at all from resting bitch face and it immediately goes back to calling everyone an idiot #definitely brings a layer to the interaction when its buffer told mensah to leave it behind #we can all agree that was tragic as hell #but also the cognitive dissonance of murderbot bleeding everywhere when suddenly it sounds like your starbucks barista like #Your unit is catastrophically damaged (* ^ ω ^) please feel free to abandon it (＾▽＾) #if i were mensah I'd have yelled too #Murderbot communicates so often in barely-concealed annoyance the buffer gives everyone tonal whiplash

[princekirijo]

Honestly would love to try writing again but I don't think I would post it anywhere.

#i actually think its because of my mutuals putting out banger fics lately i've been kinda getting the itch to try it myself #i actually wrote two small pieces on here ages ago (if you remember them you the real mvp) and they were like. fine ig #but idk i wanna try it again #if i did post it would be on tumblr only tbh #i have a very specific scenario for captain au i want to write out #captain au's ultimate goal is a comic but comics take too much time and energy and i don't have a lot of energy atm #but there's a scene in hatanaka's palace that i want to write out really badly #especially after playing royal again recently #it would be the scene where the thieves encounter hatanaka's cognition of riku #i think cognitive selves are a little underutilized in the game post the second palace so i kinda wanted to go a little crazy with it #but we'll see lol i have very little experience writing so idk how confident i'd be in posting it #idk why im making this post even lol ig i just feel like talking #this blog is in a sense my diary lmao #hope y'all are having a nice day anyway. its cold here.

[ruminate88]

Re-broke My Heart 🥺

When I broke up with my ex Andrew, I was sooo confused. He wouldn’t break up with me at all, tried to talk circles around me and even asked for a whole weekend to “think it all over”. Of course, I was hurting so bad that just made me angry at him! I quickly dumped him right after that but then he had NO EMOTIONS 😞 Was as if he turned into a robot… I felt he didn’t care about me AT ALL and was relieved to “lose me” but afterwards, continued to mess with me.

I cried a whole summer over Andrew but then in the fall I met “my husband”!!! That was scary, new, change and unknown for me. My husband was sooooo different from Andrew!!! New territory but yet I felt respected for the first time ever!!! I knew my husband was a good and descent person!! (That’s why I pursued him) Andrew tried to FaceTime me twice after I started dating my husband and that was confusing and so hurtful because I didn’t know who Andrew was or what he wanted!! I had to block his number and that sucked for me cuz I believed I loved Andrew but what did he want from me? 😔🥺😭

Years later I STILL can’t make sense of Andrew or how he’s made me feel. I feel super disconnected from my spouse. I can’t be excited or enjoy my marriage. I’m defensive and almost pushing my spouse away. I’m angry and don’t know why!!! FINALLY I learn what emotional abuse is and start to get answers for the past. I realize Andrew was a manipulator and wore a “mask” to trick me and make me attached to him so he can “abuse me”. Hearing that was SO HARD!!!

it’s like my heart breaks all over again and I realize just how much Andrew has affected me even all these years later!! 🥺❤️‍🩹 I’ve been on this healing journey and everywhere I watch or read about emotional abuse, it says to “be gentle with yourself”, “have compassion for yourself” AND to “Let yourself feel all the emotions and process them.” BUT IT ALL SUCKS!!!!!!!

It just feels like this creepy attachment to this cold and distant robot I don’t know who he really is. Of course I’m attracted to him and always have been sense the day we FaceTimed each other and his eyes sparkled but I realize now it was on purpose to trick me and make me want him. Ugh! I was so genuine and honest with Andrew!!! I just wanted him to be so happy with me and I wanted to take care of his heart and soul 🥺😔😔 he would NEVER want that for me!!!!!!!!!!

Andrew isn’t even half of the man that my spouse is… so why am I grappling onto him all these years later!!!!?????? Why am I still connected to him mentally and I just keep finding reasons to want him yet I don’t know him.

😭😭😭 Andrew basically has tried to ruin my life. I’m still ok, I’ve come so far and I’m not depressed anymore which is GREAT! I’m not suicidal or anxious anymore but I am so sad for Andrew. Ugh 😣 I know I have to “kill the dream” the image he wore with me. The future faking he did with me!!! Uggggggh.

I’m scared to embrace my spouse and let go of Andrew. He’s been woven into a part of me so long! I’ve learned so many lessons from Andrew but I just want “love”. I just want to hold someone and kiss them. I wanted it to be Andrew so bad but I don’t want to settle. I hope my spouse is everything I want. My husband makes me feel safe and some peace but I feel stuck. I’m trying to feel my husband and not feel so disconnected. 🥺❤️‍🩹😭

#emotional abuse #my story #unpacking #healingjourney #online relationships #self awareness #self healing #heartbreak #narcissistic abuse #narcissism #sad thoughts #cognitive dissonance #healing from trauma #trauma bonding #trauma #toxic boyfriend #toxic relationship #toxic love #toxic people #dear andrew #dear ex #dear diary #manipulation tactics #manipulation #heartbreak quotes #heartbroken #betrayal #betrayal trauma #im hurtin #hurt/comfort

[inniave]

the antibiotic they put me on for the bone infection (i'm not sure it's in the bone?? around it??? idk how to read x-rays) anyway the pills are massive and i was really really scared but i just took the first one! wooo! hopefully it doesn't make me ill cause meds tend to do that lol

#also i have pill trauma lol #so this was 😓 #now i just have to do it twice a day for the next ten days #uhhh which yk i'm so ready for all this to be over #but hopefully the antibiotics help the pain #and yk #keep me from going septic lol #the infection is already wrecking havoc on my blood glucose and heart rate and cognition #so hoooopefully that stops #ugh #anyway #end of tag diary number one million

[wodkapudding]

.

#it's weird to have my catholic grandparents telling me that us non-believers cannot cope with death because we have no faith and no hope #and then see them suffer as miserably from the cognitive dissonance of reassuring themselves that my uncle now rests in peace while mournin #idk i contemplate catholicism more often than i like to admit #but somehow not when i'm in grief #it's probably when i feel furthest away from religion #death sucks and literally all i can do is deal with the pain #how can i find comfort in the promise of an afterlife when i can only take someone else's word for it #there's really nothing that i could believe in that would take that pain away from me and as masochistic as it sounds i'm glad it doesn't #i don't want to feel okay about knowing i won't ever get to see my great grandmother again in this life #personal #sometimes this is a diary #no offense to people who feel comforted by their religion #in case someone stumbles across this post #this is just about me and my family and my grandparents' weird fixation on turning everyone into a catholic #feeling very much all over the place

[didntaskforfrozenyoghurt]

ironic that after all these years advocating for photosensitivity warnings, i'm only just now realising i have probably had epilepsy that whole time too. doesn't help that my dad didn't know about the existence of focal seizures

#now a few days after the fact: i maybe just forgot to watch my electrolytes 🤦 #hoping i don't make a health tag #the past week or so has been Unusually rough on me in that regard and i was having so many gaps in normal cognitive functioning i was like #hm. and i then remembered like ten different times over as many years that i've had similar brain disturbances #and like... chalked it up to having been frightened by something that was going on? but i was very much actually afraid of my brainfuck #anyway i did at least get disturbed by enough of these events strongly enough that i could actually put together a retroactive diary. #so i will be doing that. and gently holding cold metal against my vagus nerve in the meantime until i have my doctor's appointment. #it has been helping! so that's something

[tansypansydandy]

u ever look at an autism post as an audher n be like "well shit that doesnt apply to me fuck what if im not autistic" bc same

#at least my therapist and psychologist are more openminded and understanding towards my self diagnosis #but i do still get imposter syndrome a lot bc its like im not the kind of autism #like noise is fucky but like i can get used to volume its more the complexity i can be in a loud room and b uncomfy but not meltdown #bc i adapt n stuff #or like my smell is on and off a lot of the times #or seeking physical affection even though touch can make me uncomfy #and ig the worst one for me is i kind of understand social cues n small talk n that makes me doubt a lot #i can engage in small talk ik the routine and ik what questions to ask based on what a person says #though maybe thats just script writing on the fly??? like the adhd part???? #not to say i dont Struggle still (i hate silence after small talk it makes me so anxious n uncomfy) #but s not as hard n i feel like that somehow invalidates me as a possibly autistic person #or like i can do cognitive empathy rlly good!!!! logically i know Why people feel like they do i get the triggers n the reactions!!!! #emotional empathy though? FUCKKK THAT #unless i have experienced a very similar situation emotional empathy is almost impossible #idk maybe im overthinking bc like tbf i studied body language and read into it way to much in midde school #as well as psychology and emotionally distancing myself by viewing people as case studies and analyzing their behaviors #IDK #also if u read this far props 2 u man #the tags r jus a diary to me

[tawaifeddiediaz]

the insanity of jimmy fallon showing up at the jonas brothers concert just to sing mr. brightside (badly, and without half the words, might i add) is too damn funny

#zee rambles #alie and i started yelling when he showed up #because what was he doing there 😭😭😭 #cognitive dissonance fr #he was definitely expecting everyone else to sing it for him akskdk #zee stop using tumblr as your personal diary challenge

[prince-tulip]

I need to stop trying to be everything for everyone.

I cant let go of people, i have a severe abandonment issue that has gone too far. My reality became so blurry, with so many people wanting things from me..cognitive distortions and people pleasing stemming from overwhelming guilt and shame and fear..living off defense mechanisms first..

Its like if ive done wrong to you, i feel I have to be punished and be exactly whoever to whomever person im involved with. Which that plays into daily life, i feel I always have to be how they want me to be, im HEAVILY influenced by the world and often times in bad ways, its a big reason i dont just live my life.. Not to say either that i dont have genuine emotions and love for literally anyone ive loved or even if they hurt me and are toxic, i won't leave. When something i cant handle happens, i look for an escape route maybe? But i know i don't actually want to leave or cut someone off..My feelings become caught in a bundle of wires, words become misdirected, impulsive and if i have a trauma bond with you, subconscious feelings and past events come screaming at my face, confusing my reality more, saying and doing things i shouldn't. All things ive tried so hard to heal from..i have so much love to give and I think overall just genuine connection is what im looking for..even if thats just as friends with whoever my sentiment gets the best of me too, i feel as if everything must mean something but thats just not true and its going to keep killing me if i think like that...that's the big question..

What does connection mean to me? What form do i want it in and how can i better understand how to communicate with my loved ones or future companions? Growing up it was always soulmate, marriage, kids, happy life but i dont think(as of right now, i do hope one day) that the typical life isn't for me..societys need to be perfect, to be perceived as happy and successful, forcing a life out of want oppose to need..i dont understand..

Maybe though..just maybe nothing can grow if you dont allow it to and thats a fault on me.."here comes the contradiction" lmao...*insert*

Could i just be honest and communicate how i properly feel? Yes..but with how my mental illness is, i dont know how i feel. Every thought, perspective, moral is just contradictory. Every second. Its a constant battle of not self destructing, hurting people, picking fights, loss of interest, feeling numb, thinking every is meant for a reason when its not that fucking serious. Its not just negative moods either. Happiness comes in big waves that feel uncomfortable, pleasure feels wrong, like i dont deserve it, in any form.

Im riddled with guilt and regrets..

I feel torn through out time, belonging to people from different points in my life, struggling to feel whole and until i do, especially when it comes to love, romance and building together.

I cant have those, it burns me out. I focus too much on them, then burn out which causes problems and personal anger, sadness, resentment in everyone involved..

I never understood i had a need for validation but oh god, how i understand now..I never understood cognitive distortion but oh god, how i understand now..i never understood how to truly express myself and my desires..but how i understand now..too late... Ironically.

My honest intentions questioned due to my lack of mental understanding, a lack of time perception, a lack of being able to sift through my emotions of how i truly feel, a lack of being able to realize i dont need to people please, a lack of realizing i dont have boundaries for myself or others, a lack of not being able to not self destruct, if i hurt or disappointed someone i feel i need to fix things and be someone that i actually dont really wanna be but i end up filling that role because i need to fix something or i just have a personality switch and im saying and doing things i really don't mean, its so polarizing and its no ones fault, its so much my fault....

I now realize i do not need to feel like i need to be punished..or that i dont deserve good things...The lack of not letting things be natural, not letting things just happen, always fear driven and being controlled by my defense mechanisms. This overwhelming guilt, shame and disgust i harbor in my heart of all the wrongs ive ever made, it all haunts me and im so familiar with it, its almost if thats all i will feel my life, as if thats what i subconsciously wanted...not needed..i didn't need this..but here i am..

#people pleaser #bpd thoughts #self healing #mental health #mental illness #therapy #literature #writing #venting #daily diary #cognitive distortions #avoidant

[calamarr]

The only type of mushroom I’ve tried to consume was the widely available button/shittakes that are in stores but apparently Lion’s Mane tastes like shrimp so I might give that a try

#it’s good for cognition I’m hoping mushrooms will cure me #dear diary #myco tag #okay to reblog

[personalitiesinwriting]

#personality typing #personality types #MBTI #mbti functions #examples of cognitive functions #cognitive functions #functions #diary #MBTI diary

[transvampireboyfriend]

um, diary entry ig

recently ive realized i put so much stress in myself by demanding i know stuff that my mind says i should know, from simple math, to songs, to the name of historical events ive learned about in the past; and im assuming its bc for a lot of reasons, losing memories or my general ability to remember is a great fear of mine. but really, how much good is it for me to be vigilant of this at the cost of pushing myself over the line of burnout? because the thing is, i don't have to know any of this, especially not during a time of already high stress. like, it's okay if my mind can't focus enough to multiply and then add up some stuff, or recall the name of an abba song, or know that the historical event im thinking of is the migration of The Donner Party, after a long week or a day of many new things or really, any day and at any time. and mostly I can still remember, but it takes me a little bit, it's not immediate like my brain thinks it should be. and I think more than cognitive decline it might just be im noticing it more. as a kid i use to say the worse feeling in the world was having something in the tip of your tongue and not being able to remember it, and now that im making a conscious effort to say 'hey, it's fine if you don't remember, you can look it up' it's more noticeable and it makes me a little anxious. i think maybe this same compassion im trying to show in these instances might help abate that fear of cognitive decline; because, like it or not it will happen with age or for any other reason, maybe not to great degree or maybe yes, to great degree; but, either way, I'll still be a whole person, who can have a fulfilling life and deserves love and respect and compassion all the same.

#ig it makes me nervous not knowing fully how to tell the difference #like rn im noticing bc im saying dude you've had a stressful month you have a cold and you're in a house you've never been in b4 #ofc it's hard to focus #but it's scary to think it's happening at other times and im not noticing #ig my fear is slipping away without knowing. the knowing is like the big thing #anyways gm! #im starting a new tag bc the only consistent way for me to journal so far has been oversharing here #diary entry #also ALSO #im so fucking pretentious about phones. like ive convinced myself they're soooooo bad for me and make me soooooo dumb #which i still believe but i think i go a bit overboard and it's contributing to my hyper vigilance around my cognitive capacity #.

[7rashstar]

09-13-22

#first day out of the hospital lmao #seward cafe #september 2022 #i miss everyone in there so much tbh dude i have so many fucking crazy stories #like fr i have an extremely detailed diary about everything that happened #everyone in there asked me if i always write that much #i never journal unless i’m in a bad place #maybe i should write about good stuff too #i guess i couldn’t focus on anything and journaling what was happening around me kept me in the moment #good distraction from drinking #and i think it helped me start working on regaining some #cognitive functions i had lost lmao #((short term memory loss issues specifically))