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#college is taking forever to finish and I don't even know if I'll do anything with this degree
roosterforme · 1 year
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Batting Practice Part 1 | Rooster x Reader
Summary: Bradley gets roped into helping Bob coach tee ball, even though he knows nothing about kids. But he is immediately charmed by his team and one of the moms.
Warnings: Fluff, angst and swearing
Length: 3400 words
Pairing: Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw x Female single!mom Reader
Check my masterlist for more Top Gun fun! Batting Practice masterlist.
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"I could really use your help," Bob told Bradley over some drinks at the Hard Deck. "Jake wouldn't take it seriously enough, and Phoenix already volunteers at the animal shelter. Will you do it?"
Bradley tipped his pint glass against his lips and took a long drink. "Ten weeks is a long time," he told his friend. 
Bob drummed his fingers against the bartop. "I need a contingency plan in case I get deployed. That's the only way the league will let me coach a team."
Bradley leaned forward on his elbow. "Bob, I don't really even know anything about tee ball. Or kids for that matter."
"You played baseball in college!" Bob reminded him with a hopeful smile. "And you were really good, right? Starting shortstop all four years?"
"You're just trying to use that against me, aren't you?" Bradley asked with a chuckle. 
"Of course I am! My sister is begging me to do this, and I want to! My niece is struggling in school, but she loves sports. I think she would do better with a coach she's familiar with," Bob gushed. "Come on."
But he was still shaking his head. "It's not that I don't want to, Bob. It's just that, I don't know anything about kids!"
"Kids are simple. You treat them like their opinions matter, and they'll love you forever. At least that's how it works with Piper, my niece."
Bradley heaved a deep sigh. It wasn't like he had anything better to do with his time. He was single, work ended at 4:30 when he wasn't deployed, and he really did love baseball. It might be fun to teach a bunch of kids how to play. Hell, what did he have to lose?
"Yeah, okay."
Bob's eyes went wide behind his glasses. "Really? You'll be the co-coach of the Tiny Eagles with me?"
With a shrug and a smile, Bradley nodded his head. "Yeah, Bob. I'll be your co-coach."
-----------------------
"What do you mean you're not allowed peanut butter in the lunchroom?" you asked your son as you were making his school lunch. "You took a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on Friday!"
"That was last week, mommy. The rules have changed, and it's important to be flexible."
You really despised it when your six year old used your own words against you.
"Everett, I don't have time for this. You'll need to buy lunch today, okay? Be flexible?" you said, glancing down at your half-dressed body. You needed to be on time for work today, therefore the elementary school cafeteria food would just have to do.
Everett scrunched up his nose but said, "Okay, mommy."
"Perfect," you said, shoving the jar of peanut butter to the side and pouring two bowls of cereal. "Eat your cheerios so I can get you to school."
You inhaled your own breakfast and then dashed back up to your room to finish getting ready. Your suit with the tight pants was the only one that was clean, so you squeezed yourself into them and found a clean bra. Frank would be in the office today, and you'd gotten used to him meeting up with you around lunchtime to make out a little bit, even though it was strictly against company policy. He'd like the tight pants, you supposed. 
Once you added some mascara and lip gloss to your face, you found your black heels and started back down the stairs. "Shit," you muttered, turning around again. Today was Everett's first day of tee ball practice, so you grabbed a pair of old sneakers to change into later. 
You felt like a scattered mess all the time, especially since Danny, your ex-husband was almost no help with Everett. Every time you thought about him, you wanted to punch the wall, so you took a calming breath and put a smile back on your face before you entered the kitchen. 
"Let's get going, sweetie. You've got tee ball after school today, so I'm packing some extra snacks."
"Yes!" Everett cheered. "I've been waiting all month for baseball to start!"
You smiled and ushered him out to your car. "Remember, it's not quite baseball, so don't get ahead of yourself, Ev. But tee ball is a good place to start."
"Yeah, I know. But it's still going to be fun."
Once you dropped him off at school, you raced to your office and tried to sneak to your desk without anyone bothering you. Thankfully you made it all the way there before Frank let himself in. 
Yeah, you and he were hooking up. Yeah, you had slept over his house last weekend while Everett was with your sister. But you still didn't want him to just waltz into your office whenever he felt like it.
"Hey, baby," he whispered, walking toward your desk. "How are you?"
"I'm fine, Frank," you told him, trying to compile your spreadsheets while he kissed your cheek. "Just very busy. And Everett has practice this evening."
"When are you free to go out again?" he asked, stroking his fingers down your neck. God, it felt good to be touched like this, but Frank really wasn't your type, and he was mediocre at everything. He was mediocre at work, usually doing the bare minimum. He was a mediocre kisser. He had mediocre looks. He was probably below average in bed. 
But you were a single mom who barely had time to eat, only washed her hair three times a week, and usually fell asleep about thirty minutes after Everett did every night. 
"I'm not sure, Frank. I'll have to let you know." Bottom line, you'd probably schedule another date for next week when you'd be too horny again to mind that you weren't that into him. Not the best way to live your life, but what else were you supposed to do?
"You just call me, and I'll take you out anywhere you want."
What you wanted was to be able to introduce Everett to the guy you were spending time with, but Frank hated kids. 
"I'll let you know. I'm just busy at the moment, so..." You let your sentence hang until he nodded and took the hint. When your door closed behind him, you got back to work. Of course you were in the middle of a phone call and existing solely on caffeine when your alarm went off to let you know you needed to go pick Everett up.
"Sounds great. I'll talk to my clients and get back to you soon," you said, ending your work call and sweeping your work into your bag. 
"Shit." You'd accidentally skipped your lunch again. You ate your sandwich while you were in the car pickup line at Everett's school and then touched up your mascara and lip gloss. 
"Ready, sweetie? First day of practice!"
He climbed into the car and buckled himself into his seat. "Ready!"
You just smiled as he tugged his Phillies hat lower over his forehead. You'd been taking him to Padres games as often as you could, ever since he'd become obsessed with baseball. Each time the Padres played a new team, you let Everett pick out a shirt or hat to remember the game by. For some reason that Phillies cap was his favorite. 
"I hope my team colors are red and white, so they match my hat," he said, munching on a snack while you pulled into the ballpark lot. 
"That would be fun. Just remember, we don't complain about things like the color of your uniform," you mumbled, snagging an empty spot next to a vintage Ford Bronco. You gave it a quick once over before you got Everett and his equipment out of the car and started to head toward the field, changing your shoes as you went. 
"Are those my coaches?" Everett asked as you lugged his bat and carried your heels in one hand. "What were their names again?"
"Um, Coach Bob and Coach Bradley? I think? We'll find out in a minute," you said, but when you looked up, you saw two extremely handsome men walking toward you. They were wearing matching blue jerseys, caps and whistles, and your tummy dipped at the way the one with darker hair carried himself when he walked. He was almost strutting across the infield, and his baseball cap was on backwards. 
You bit back an embarrassing sound before it could escape you, and you had to force your mouth to shut.
"Come on, mommy!" 
Your attention snapped back to your son who was now headed for the bleachers. He was already changing into his cleats amongst all the other kids by the time you caught up to him. 
When you glanced up toward the coaches again, the one with the backward hat was already looking at you. His head was cocked a little to one side, and he had a cute, crooked smile playing at the corner of his mouth. And you immediately wanted to disappear. 
How embarrassing, being caught out like that. The blond coach with glasses blew his whistle, and the kids went into a frenzy. You quickly shoved Everett's sneakers into his bag and got your phone out. You took a seat near the other parents while Everett and the other kids all trotted out to the field.
But you could clearly hear the two women behind you whispering. "These coaches are eye candy, Tara! This season is going to be fantastic!" 
--------------------------
"Here's the full schedule. And you don't have to worry about the theme days, because I already took care of all of them," Bob said, clearly trying to sound reassuring as he handed Bradley packet after packet of paperwork.
"Theme days?" Bradley asked, skimming the calendar. 
"Yeah, like there's a day where the kids can wear costumes for practice. Another day where they can dress in their favorite sports shirt. A swim party. Fun stuff to keep them engaged. I already added them to the calendar," Bob said. Bradley just nodded as they made their way back across the field. 
But when he looked up toward the bleachers, his eyes caught on something so pretty, he couldn't look away. You were carrying some seriously tall high heels in one hand and a tee ball bat in the other as you made your way toward the huge group of kids. 
Bradley should be embarrassed. He really should. He had assured Nat that there was no way he was going to start jonesing for any of the moms. They weren't his type. He never sought them out, and he never ever dated them. 
But there was no denying that you were exactly the type of woman he'd try to chat up. You were pretty; god, you were gorgeous. Your suit pants were distractingly tight, and he thought your sneakers looked cute paired with them. He was grinning when you made eye contact with him, and his smile just grew. 
He watched you scramble and pull your phone out of your pocket just as Bob blew his whistle, calling the kids onto the field. 
"Welcome, Tiny Eagles! I'm Coach Bob, and this is Coach Bradley! Who's excited to be here for tee ball?"
Bradley couldn't help but smile as all of the kids jumped up and down and cheered. Lots of them had cute grins with missing teeth, and Bob's niece Piper was hugging Bob's leg. 
"When I point at you, tell us your name, okay?" Bob went through the group of twenty kids, and Bradley would be lucky to remember even three of their names after this first practice.
"Let's get started with some warm-ups!" Bob instructed. "Who knows how to do jumping jacks?"
All of the kids started jumping at the same time while Bradley and Bob tried to get them to count to ten. Their excitement had Bradley smiling and laughing, and at Bob's instruction, he led all the kids in a jog around the bases. When he rounded second base and then third, Bradley had the perfect view of you sitting at the bottom of the bleachers. 
You were tucking your hair behind your ear, and he met your eyes again. This time you smiled back before your eyes dipped to the turf in front of you. Then you glanced up again and waved your fingers to whichever kid was yours. Bradley could imagine you waving to him that way. He could imagine you doing a lot of things he might like. 
He sighed and joined Bob as he started to get the kids lined up for practice catching. Bradley adjusted gloves on a few kids' hands, and then he knelt down in front of an adorable little boy who had untied laces.
"Hey kiddo, what's your name again?"
"Everett!" 
"Right. Everett. Can I re-tie your laces for you? Make them nice and tight? Don't want any injuries so early in the season."
When the boy nodded, Bradley started to tie up the cleats for him.
"I like your Phillies cap. That's my favorite team," Bradley said with a smile.
He watched the kid's eyes grow wide. "Really? It's my favorite team, too! My mom took me to see them play the Padres last year, and they won!"
"Oh yeah? Your mom sounds cool."
He nodded vigorously. "My mom is so fun. She doesn't really know stuff about baseball, but she took me to a bunch of games to see different teams last summer."
Bradley was grinning as he was about to stand. "Which one's your mom?"
Everett turned to look over his shoulder, and Bradley followed his extended finger to where you were sitting. "Over there. In the suit."
Bradley watched you uncross and recross your legs and play with your hair before you glanced up from your phone and found him and Everett both looking at you. A hesitant smile found your lips and you waved again. This time Everett and Bradley both waved back. 
"Holy cow, kid. Your dad's lucky."
Everett just gave Bradley a confused look. "Oh, no. He's not fun like her. He doesn't take me anywhere."
"Ready?" Bob called to where Bradley and Everett were chatting. With one final look at you, Bradley stood and led Everett by the hand to where the kids were all lined up along the first base line. 
----------------------------
So that was Coach Bradley. You didn't seem capable of keeping your eyes off him. Your phone kept buzzing with work emails that you kept ignoring. Any time Everett wasn't engaged in the practice, your gaze drifted to Coach Bradley, his backward hat, and his snug shorts. 
The other moms and nannies were all abuzz over the cute coaches, and you were silently agreeing with everything they said.
"They both must be at least six foot two."
"I wonder if they are single. I don't see any rings. God, I hope they are single."
"I'd let Coach Bradley bring his whistle to bed."
When practice ended, you were flushed and warm as you started to gather up Everett's bag. He came running over to you with his arms outstretched for a hug. 
"Guess what! Coach Bradley likes the Phillies!"
You laughed as you caught him for a hug. "Does he really?" you asked, glancing to see that all of the moms had swarmed around both of the coaches. 
"Yeah! It's his favorite team!" 
"Did you have fun then? Tee ball is a success, and you want to come back on Thursday?"
"Yes!"
"Love to hear that. Let's get packed up and head home for dinner."
But Coach Bradley was looking at you again as you tossed Everett's mitt and cleats into his bag. And when you began to turn to head back to your car, he came jogging over to you.
"Hi," he said with a smile. "I didn't get to introduce myself before. I'm Bradley."
He held out his big hand to you, but you felt like you were moving in slow motion now. His voice was so deep and raspy, and his hand was big and calloused. He was so tall, standing right in front of you and smelling like sweat and spicy deodorant. And you didn't even want to get started on his brown eyes and his mustache. You were turned on enough that you feared you might squeak instead of actually speaking, but you did manage to open your mouth and tell him your name as you slipped your hand into his. 
"It's nice to meet you," he replied, and your tummy dipped again. "Everett told me you took him to see the Phillies play."
"I did. Last summer. He's baseball obsessed." You were still gently shaking his hand, but he wasn't letting go yet.
"He's a fun kid. Happy he's on my team."
"He likes you already," you said with a smile, and as your hand left his, you missed his warmth right away.
Suddenly Everett popped up next to you. "I'm hungry."
You kissed his forehead and said, "I have snacks for you in the car. And I'll make dinner as soon as we get home. Can you thank your coaches?"
Everett smiled and gave Bradley a high five when he held his hand up. "Thanks Coach Bradley," he said before running off toward Coach Bob. 
You went to grab the equipment bag off of the bench, but Bradley reached for it too. "If you're heading out, I could walk up with you." You nodded and let him take the bag as Everett ran back over. 
As you scooped up your heels and led the way to your car, you listened to your son ask his coach a string of questions.
"Are we going to do batting on Thursday? What if it rains? Do we get a rain delay? Have you ever won coach of the year? How long have you been a Phillies fan?"
You were just about to tell Everett to chill, but Bradley started to answer all of the questions in stride. 
"We are definitely going to have batting practice on Thursday. I'm pretty sure we will just cancel practice if it rains. You don't want your mom to have to sit on a bench in the rain while you have all the fun and get muddy, do you?"
Everett just laughed and shook his head. 
Bradley continued. "This is my first time coaching, so no awards yet. And I've been a Phillies fan since I was about your age." 
"How old are you now?" Everett asked.
"That's not nice to ask adults, Ev," you said, tossing Bradley an apologetic look.
"What? I just want to know if he's the same age as you," Everett replied. Then he turned to Bradley and said, "My mom is thirty three."
"Everett!"
But Bradley was just laughing. "How about a math problem. What's thirty three plus three?" he asked, but he was still smiling at you as he adjusted his baseball cap.
"Thirty six!" Everett said as you all reached your car.
"That's how old I am," Bradley informed him with a smirk. "And you're very good at math."
"Mom! He's your age!"
"That's enough, Ev," you said, ushering him into the back seat. You took the bag from Bradley and tossed in on the backseat as well.
You turned to Bradley and tucked your hair behind your ear. "Thanks for walking us up. And sorry about the interrogation."
"I don't mind," he said, leaning in closer to you so he could see Everett, and making your breath hitch in the process. "See you on Thursday, kiddo?" he asked Everett, and his neck was right next to your face. He smelled so good.
"See you on Thursday, Coach!"
Bradley opened the driver's door for you, and as you thanked him and slid past, you realized you were more attracted to him after less than an hour in his presence than you were to Frank. 
"See you on Thursday," he said before gently closing your door. 
As you backed out of your parking spot, you watched him toss some of his gear and his hat into the vintage Bronco. He ran his hand through his hair and waved to Everett who was waving out the window. 
"Coach Bradley is so cool."
"I'm glad you liked him," you replied, and you watched him in your side view mirror as he started unbuttoning his jersey. You swallowed hard. "I liked him, too." 
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He's here! He's really here! And I am excited! I hope you liked this first part! Thanks to @beyondthesefourwalls and thanks to@mak-32 for the gorgeous banner for this fic!
PART 2
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catsfor2 · 1 year
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hit me, part 1.5 (bonussss!)
wc: 1.5k, largely unedited warnings: swearing/language, very very light talk of smut, drug use (alcohol) a/n: hi everyone. the feedback on part one made me so so happy that i wanted to drop this for ya'll. i hope u like it ;) tags: @elliewilliamsmunch@intrnetdoll@me-and-your-husband@3zae-zae3@milahnoz@elliescumm
For context, this chapter takes place 4 years before part one, or where *reader is 16 and Ellie is 19*.This part is simply to explore an interesting friendship dynamic, teenage sexuality, and some backstory to Ellie + reader.
*I do not condone underage relationships and there will be no insinuations, assumptions, or even words that would suggest Ellie being romantically interested in reader at this point considering their age gap.*
I know this makes it sound super serious but i PROMISE YOU its not. i had to put in a disclaimer simply for respect and safety reasons. enjoy!
-j
part 1
"'Natty Light'? What the hell is that?"
"It's beer," Ellie reassures you. "it's what the college folk drink. Want some?" She says, offering out the can in her hand.
"I think I'll wait until I become...college folk." You remark, unsure.
Ellie liked being around you. When your dumbass boyfriend wasn't trying drown you with his spit every six minutes. God, he's such a dick. Ellie couldn't wait for you to grow up and see the scum of the world without youth clouding your eyes. Scum not just including your boyfriend, obviously, but mainly him.
You sit on Ellie's bed, flipping your phone back and forth between your hands like you'd been doing the entire hour you've been here.
Ellie knew what that meant. It meant that he hadn't responded for a couple days, and you're just starting to get anxious about it.
Fucking. Dick.
"What do you do in college?" You ponder.
"Fuck girls, get high, get drunk, and maybe learn. Not sure." Ellie says mindlessly. She didn't see the point in college. Thought it was a waste of time and energy. She also didn't have the money to attend.
"Or at least, that's what I would do." Ellie finishes, snatching your phone from your hands.
She chugs around half of the can after she finishes talking, topping it off with a burp.
"Give it back, Ellie." You demand.
"Why? If he hasn't texted in four days he's not gonna start now."
Ellie regretted saying that almost immediately. Sometimes you seemed so...grown up. It was hard to censor herself around you. Especially when it's something she's been trying to tell you forever.
She sees your face fall, head turn swiftly towards her window. You liked how she had a bunch of sketches up there, and when the sun shined through it you'd always say it 'looked like all of her drawings were glowing'. Ellie smiled so hard when you'd said that. One million watts for sure.
Some of them were of her current girlfriend. Some of them of her ex-girlfriends. Some of them of Dina. All you really wanted was to see yourself up there.
You were too nervous around Ellie to ask her to do anything like that. Like drawing you.
"Y'know he wasn't that way in the beginning. I used to really...like him, I think." You mutter, still facing the window.
Ellie scoffs.
"You think?"
"I'm being serious, Ellie. It's like you don't listen to me cause you think you know everything. You're not even that much older than me."
"Oh yeah? What's a condom?" She asks, eyeing you.
You don't even say anything.
"So is that because you don't know? Or--"
"Shut the fuck up. Give me my phone back already." You huff, frustrated.
"Oooh shes swearing now?" Ellie teases. She watches as your face gets all pink as you get more irritated. You cross your arms hastily. It was fun to make you mad, Ellie thought.
"You should break up with Cat."
Uh, what?
"I'm sorry?" Ellie questions, less upbeat than she was a moment ago.
"I'm tired of you nagging me about my boyfriend. Cat's not very much better than he is. In my opinion."
"Christ, you sound like Joel," Ellie spits.
If there's one thing Ellie never expected from you, it was this. You usually never breached the subject of Ellie's love life. Ellie didn't mind not talking about it, she knew you weren't homophobic or anything. She just thought, honestly, that you were disinterested. So she never really...brings Cat up.
"If you can talk about my boyfriend than I can talk about Cat. It's...fair."
"It's fucking different. You don't get it."
"Why?! You always say that," You retort, sitting up a little taller on the bed. "Just—just because I'm dating a guy and you're dating a girl?"
"Yes. Literally, yes. It's fuckin' different, I don't know what else to say." Ellie remarks, throwing the can she emptied minutes ago onto the floor. She grabs a new can from the pack, cracking it open on the spot.
"Tell me, then." You say. "Tell me how it's different."
"Well, first of all, no dicks—"
"Ellie."
She huffs out a big sigh before starting again.
"I don't even—" She burps.
"I don't even know why you wanna know. And like, right now, of all times."
When Ellie asks you that, you freeze. Obviously, noticeably, freeze. Because, well, you didn't even know why you wanted to know. You just did.
"I—I just wanna know more about you, I guess." You stutter out.
Ellie's eyes narrow. Are you...nervous?
"I know he's not a good boyfriend. I know that, Ellie. You think I'm stupid and I'm not. But I can't break up with him."
Ellie still feels like that's total bull.
"Why not."
"I just can't! It's like—it feels, like, safer, to be with him."
"That guy is anything but fucking safe—"
"You know what I mean." You say quietly.
"No, I don't." Ellie says, trying to look into your eyes.
Your head was faced downward toward the bed. Ellie practically screamed through her thoughts. You couldn't even look at her. Had she been too mean to you? In Ellie's mind, it always feels lighthearted. She didn't always take the time to make sure other people took it that way.
Finally, you look up, meeting Ellie's eyes.
"You...don't? You don’t get what I mean?”
"No, y/n. I have zero fuckin' clue. Am I...supposed to?" She questions, clearly starting to get confused.
Safe? Safe? It feels safer?! Ellie was fucking lost.
How could being with that piece of shit feel any safer than being fucking alone?
"I—y'know what, nevermind. It's dumb. I don't even know what I mean. I just thought that you would get it—for some reason. It's stupid. Sorry." You mumble out, trying to forget whatever miniscule things you were telling her.
"Don't say sorry, you didn't even fuckin' do anything," Ellie quips. "Why me?"
"I don't know. I just...thought of...you." You trail off, rubbing at your shoulders.
Yeah, whatever you were talking about? It made you really fucking nervous.
"Hmm..." Ellie hums, hopping off of the bed and beginning to rummage through a desk drawer. "Here."
"...What."
"Would you like to hear the story of my first gay crush?" She grins, knowing absolutely that you'll want to hear.
She hops back onto the bed, sitting a little closer to you.
Ellie knew she was a good storyteller, but you were by far her best listener. It's endearing, how engaged you get. Never even daring to take a glance anywhere but at Ellie.
"So her name was Riley. And I was...youngish, but—I knew for sure that my feelings were...gay feelings, y'know?"
"Well how'd you know?" You ask bluntly.
"Well I wanted to like, hold her hand? And stuff? I wanted to...to take her places. Like, cool places I found outside, and like, dumb little lookout points. I'd draw her tiny pictures of things she liked. Write stupid little notes and shit. I would make her...bracelets and, things she could wear. Stuff that didn't really cost anything. I don't know...I just kinda...knew."
You don't respond. Your eyes are glossy, barely gazing at Ellie.
"Y/N, you good?" Ellie laughs, grabbing your shoulder and shaking it a bit to get your attention.
"Yeah! I'm fine, sorry. Got in my head a little."
"Right, right, wanna see somethin' stupid?" She says, awaiting your response.
"Sure."
She picks up the item she was rummaging for a minute ago. It's a post it note.
"Oh! Can I read it?" You beg, excited to see the parts of Ellie's life you're so unfamiliar with.
"Hah, yeah, go for it. I promise you it's...underwhelming." She hands you the blue paper, drawing side down.
You begin to read.
"You are the prettiest girl I've ever seen. I drew you a penguin wearing a hat that says, 'you are the prettiest…princess…ever'. Best wishes, Ellie." You smile without meaning to.
You give her the post-it note back.
"I wish I got notes like this. Do guys...do that?" You ask.
"Um, maybe some? I wouldn't know." Ellie admits.
She wanted to say no, y/n, no guy will do that until you get married, probably, because that was the truth. However, seeing how happy you were at somebody else's love note, she didn't have the heart to say it. Ellie didn't mind letting you be sheltered a little longer if it made you happy.
Before the two of you could say anything else, a phone chimes.
Your phone.
It's him.
"Oh thank god. Ellie, I have to call him. Can I call him? I'll be back in a second I swear," You ramble, basically sprinting out the door to talk to the meathead in your phone.
Fuck.
One day you'll grow up. Ellie knows this. She sees how you change every day. It still makes her feel funny to see you so...dishonest with yourself.
The day you break up with that dick is the day I fucking win, Ellie thinks.
And that day occurred exactly a week later.
After Ellie had already left.
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birds--daily · 1 month
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welcome to birds daily!!
this is my blog where i draw a bird every single day! the idea was completely ripped off from one of my best friends of all time, @fish-daily !! please go check him out :0)
my name is sunny and i'm a wildlife biology major and art minor from the eastern united states. i'm 21 years old and i use they/them pronouns!
i'm here because i love birds so much, and i'm assuming if you're following then you do too!!
IMPORTANT INFO BELOW!!
what to know before you request
please check if i've drawn a bird before you request it! if you don't want to scroll through everything, all my birds are tagged by order. don't know the order of your bird? look it up! the IOC world bird list has a great resource for this.
i tag them by name, but some birds have multiple common names.
i also have a spreadsheet of every bird i've done so far! but i can definitely see myself forgetting to update this, so it's best to double check.
any avian dinosaur archaeopteryx-and-beyond can be requested! many ornithologists consider avialae to be the cutoff for "modern" birds.
i can't guarantee full-accuracy of prehistoric birds as i'm not very well-versed in paleontology.
please keep asks to only one bird! feel free to send multiple asks though. if you include multiple birds in an ask i'll just pick one. when i answer the ask to post it, the other birds will be gone forever...
i will prioritize requests in the order i received them in, but a couple times a week i might draw a personal pick instead.
not accepting duplicate birds doesn't mean you can't request a different version of the same bird, which leads me to…
sexual dimorphism and seasonal plumage!
yes! you can request different plumages and sexes of a bird i've already done! want to see a female ruddy duck? of course! want the breeding plumage of the willow ptarmigan? absolutely!
i have sex, maturity, and plumage recorded on my spreadsheet, but i'm bound to make some mistakes on there. once again, double-checking my blog is your best bet to getting accurate bird info!
if you don't specify anything, i'm going to assume the basic mature male with breeding plumage that you come to expect from a bird.
breeding and non-breeding plumage can also be called summer and winter plumage. some birds also have special names for their plumage forms. just to keep things consistent i'll be referring to it as breeding and non-breeding!
final notes
my main blog is @eggpathy if you're interested in any of my other art! i forget to post there a lot. most of my art is on my twitter under the same name (trying to move here though)
i'm a full-time college student with a job, so some days i won't be able to get a bird out. sometimes i might even have to take a few days to a week off just to keep my sanity. this doesn't mean i'm not having fun and enjoying drawing birds! it just means i'm busy and maybe need time for other things
i'm also still human. this means i WILL MAKE MISTAKES! i have not finished my degree yet and i'm still learning! one of the big reasons i made this account was to help myself learn my birds! i take extra time out of my day to find facts to post with my birds, and sometimes those are wrong. if you see me post misinfo, please kindly correct me with a comment, dm, or tag!
any post that isn't a daily bird will be tagged #not birds. any post that is a daily bird will be tagged #birds.
please feel free to add extra fun facts, info, and generally any other silly comment in the tags. i love reading them and they make my day!
asks don't have to be request-related! feel free to ask me anything :0)
thanks for reading! peent!
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sierrawr · 27 days
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NOBODY GETS ME LIKE YOU
It was the spring of 2020 where you meet Minhyung Lee, the one who you thought would last forever by your side through thick and thin. You were working part time as a barista at a coffee shop near your college and he was one of the regular customers of the coffeeshop.
"Can I have one banana smoothie and bagel, please?"
You are not going to deny that he does have a good looks. But you know better not to messed up while you are still working.
"Sure! Will that be all?"
You decided to take a good look of his face while his eyes are still scanning the menu. When he turned to look at you, that's when you tear your gaze away from him pretending look at anywhere else but him.
"Yeah, that will be all."
He cracks a small smile as he open his wallet before he handed you the notes to pay for his order.
"Oh, I'm sorry, but we only use cashless transaction here."
His eyes followed your hands which shows him the notice that says only cashless transaction is allowed.
He he purse his lips as he closed his eyes in embarrassment.
His cute gestures made you chuckled.
"It's alright, you are not the first one with the same mistake in here. Would you like to use your card, then?"
The clock reads 11:45 at the moment and you have to closed the coffee shop at 12 am. Since he is obviously the last customer, you thought that there is no harm in giving your kindness towards him. On the other hand, he let out a heavy sigh before thanking you for letting him know that there's some other people who did the same mistake as him.
"Yeah- But.. The truth is that I'm not good with card or stuff with machine thingy like the ATM or something like that. I guess I'll have to kiss my banana milk and that bagel a goodbye."
You appreciates his honesty and it feels a shame to let him go out of the coffeeshop empty handed.
"I'm afraid you will not kiss them a goodbye. The options that I have for you is for me to teach you to use the card if you want me to, or.. I can buy it for you. So which one of the options would you like to use?"
It is obvious that he did not expect the options that you gave him.
"Yo, I- I can't let you do that, you work here for a reason and you barely know me. I don't want you to use any of your money to me so you can keep it to yourself and use it for the stuff you wanna buy."
You can't lie that you are touched when you listened to his explanation about the reason why he don't want you to spend your money on him.
"And.. I kind of forgot the PIN number, only my mom knows it but I'm afraid she's asleep at this hour."
You nodded your head before you asked him to wait for a moment as you take his order at the kitchen. Few minutes later, you came out with his banana milk and bagel that you reheat just now. He was about to refuse when you swiftly hands it to him but insist that he should have it. And the next thing happened is you gave him a company as he finishes his banana milk and bagel while you are closing the coffee shop.
"I seriously can't thank you enough for this. The whole day was too hectic for me today and I did not even realize that I skipped my dinner. How should I compensate you though? I should return your kindness, so is there any way or anything that I can do to do so, please? "
It felt surreal that you, yourself have no idea how did your crush on him grows big and bigger from the moment he stopped by at the counter until this moment. But one thing that you know for sure, you gotta try to shoot your shot. And that's what you did.
"Maybe you can start by introducing yourself because I still don't have your name."
You successfully made him blushed so hard, and both of you spent the night getting to know each other while enjoying each other company until 1 am.
that night, you have learned that he is a Korean and his name is Minhyung Lee. But he mainly use his English name, Mark, around his friends. Apart from that, he is graduating from his high school soon and planning to further his studies at a college and both of you also learned that you are around the same age except for the fact that he is older than you.
Ever since then, he has been a regular customer of the coffee shop. And it would be a lie if you deny your true feelings towards him. You are afraid to confess because you are scared to get hurt by rejection. And you were glad you didn't. Because he just stopped going to the coffee shop and you had never seen him again ever since then.
A few months after that, you graduated from high school and got an offer to study at a college in Canada. You don't know why, but you decided to take the offer as it reminds you of Mark, who once mentioned that Canada was his hometown.
It is the New Year Eve where everyone is waiting for the countdown for the new year to start. And your eyes met with a pair of dark brown eyes which is familiar to you.
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plsdonttakemyname · 11 months
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Characters; Nikolai Gogol
Genre; angst, hurt/comfort, scenario
Warnings; reader has family and friends problems, mental breakdowns, Bad writing. So please don't read it if you're uncomfortable with these. This might not make sense since this is my second time writing an angst , hurt comf and scenarios but I hope you enjoy it <3..
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Knocking at the door of Nikolai's office with a tired look on your face as you walked in. You were greeted by Nikolai, your beloved boyfriend.
"Oh, hello dove. I was expecting to see you there. Would you mind to share a conversation?"
"I just wanna cry." Nikolai's eyes widened abit before speaking again. "Cry away Dove.. It's okay. Let go of your tears and let me hold you close. You know how much I care for you. I'll never leave you alone again." He said and kissed your forehead " Now come here, sit on my lap. I want to kiss you right now" he said with a smile on his face. "I love you so much Kolya, it's just things are getting more and more harder for me y'know.." You were really tired after studying for hours straight without any rest at all. "I know, baby. But don't worry. Everything will be alright. Just stay strong for me alright ?. We have each other, we can make it through anything together.I promise everything will work out just fine". He said as he holds your hand gently "I just I feel like I'm always not good enough, my friends and family doesn't even understand that I'm trying my best to make them happy.." you said as tears started to build up in your eyes.
"I'm trying my best Kolya. I really am. but none of them believed me. I got called a whore, spoiled and ungrateful. I don't know what to do anymore. I just feel like I wanna cry my heart out." You choked out a sob as soon as you finished the sentence "Oh, Dove... That sounds horrible. What happened?.. Tell me everything, please. Don't keep any secrets from me. I'm here for you. Always. And if anyone tries to hurt you or insult you, they won't get away with it. Not ever. Okay? Do you trust me Love?" He says as worries started to build up in his eyes and pulled you into a hug "yes I do trust you.. I'm studying really hard for college. my parents always told me to get off my phone and yelled at me when I'm clearly texting my project teacher about my work.This morning I got into an argument with my parents. They just slapped me because I talked back and I was trying to defend myself." You started crying while Nikolai is hugging you tightly on his lap.
"Oh Dear... You poor thing..That must've been awful. I wish I could protect you from these people who would do such terrible things to you. My love, you deserve better than this. If only..." He looks at the floor with sadness in his eyes "...if only I had done something sooner.." "All of my friends are just using me and talking behind my back I really don't know what to do anymore Kolya.I really don't. It just hurts." Your voice started to crack "I'm sorry Dove.. I should've known better than to think that those thing were worth trusting. They're nothing but troublemakers. They'd use you until you broke down completely. Then they'd laugh at you when you cried. They're disgusting creatures." He said while rubbing circles behind your back trying to calm you down "I wanna cry my feelings out but I'm really scared.." He hugged you tightly "It's okay, my love. Let it all out. Cry as loud as you need to. I'll hold onto you forever. No one else matters but us. Only us." He strokes your hair and gently tucking your hair behind your ear that was covering your face as he continued.
"You're safe with me.Never forget that. M'kay?" Your nodded and your sob slowly turning into small sniffles "Kolya?" You said his name after calming down abit. "Yes? What is it, my love?" He smiled warmly at you "Is there anything else bothering you besides your bullies,being treated badly by others or feeling worthless?" He takes his hands in yours and looks into your eyes lovingly "Tell me everything Dove."
"Am I annoying to you?.." You asked him as he laughs softly "Of course not, my love. Why would you ask such an absurd question? Of course not. You are absolutely adorable. The most beautiful person I have ever met. There isn't another person alive who compares to you. In fact, no other person even comes close besides you , Dos-kun and Sigma. You smiled at his response "I'm sorry for breaking down like this when you're busy... I just can't do this anymore I've been too stressed out lately." He kissed your forehead gently "Don't be sorry, my love. Just remember how much happier we are together. Remember how happy we make each other. And never doubt yourself again. You are perfect." He says and holds you close against him "I promise you will find someone special soon enough." "But...You're special to me and I love you Kolya." You whispered In his ears with a smile on your face now as he blushed at your words "I love you too my Dove. Now come here and give me a hug. Hugging helps calm you down after stressful situations. It makes you feel loved and protected too.. So... He said as he pulls you closer to him "C'mere! Give me a big hug I've missed you so much my love "
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A/n; Hii ! I hope you like this fic :) I'm so sorry if anyone is going through this too. I hope you're all doing okay now <33 Make sure to stay Hydrated and Eat in time, Just a reminder you're all perfect no matter who you are, You're all good enough. Some words can be extremely hurtful sometimes but it's the best to try and ignore them :D I'm always open to talk about it if you're going through a rough time/day :) I love you all mwah <3
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powerful-niya · 6 months
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Hello, everyone! It's the beginning of October and I am super duper excited!!! Like incredibly excited! 🎃🤍
My birthday is coming up fast!!! It's like literally next week: October 9th! Omg, I don't even know how to feel, it's arrived so fast.
It was literally just September, wasn't it? Gosh! Time is going by insanely fast, I can really tell ya that. But yep, my birthday is coming up! Woop Woop! 🥳🎂🎉
But there are other things on the way as well!
For October, I have a lot of plans. I have planned to celebrate the impending holidays by producing Naruhina one shots for fall, Naruto's birthday, and even Halloween. I also planned to provide many more one shots that are festive and would put everyone in the holiday spirit. So, as you can imagine, I am very excited about what I have planned. I hope you all are too!
Also, I've been working on a large writing project. I could or could not be… working on a new fanfic story right now... not a oneshot, not a two shot, but a fanfic with chapters! 😱
Not only that, but it's also ties in the mafia, hitman, and forbidden love tropes. So, overall, I really feel like you all will be delighted when I finally reveal my "surprise" to you.
I'm not gonna tell!
I'm only uploading the fanfic story once I've finished writing the entire thing. It's only a short fanfic so, I should complete it by the end of this year. So, you should be seeing it soon! 🥰
But anywho, life has been pretty busy for me, as I know it has been for all of you too. College is no joke and it's taking a lot of my time. I am also working, involved in clubs, and overall, have A LOT of college work under my belt. But even still, I try to indulge in the hobby that I love whenever I get the chance, that is, write, so I can update for you all. I hope you all enjoy the content I do manage to put out, however.
Also, don't be afraid to talk to me! I'm here anytime you wanna give me any requests or just for anything! I'll try to get back to you as soon as I can!
But yeah, a lot has been happening and I'm trying to deal with it all. But I will try to stay updated, as much as I can, and even get involved in the holidays. Just to try new things!
I hope you all are well. I hope you all are also taking good care of yourselves. And I hope you all know that I love you all and your tremendous support! It will forever mean the world to me. 💗💗
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hgejfmw-hgejhsf · 5 months
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20 questions for fic writers
I was tagged by @heybuddy-drabbles, @noahreids, @affectionatelyrs, @littlemisskittentoes, and @kiwiana-writes. All of y'all are TOO kind! Thank you all for tagging me and including me in this!
1. How many works do you have on AO3?
34
2. What’s your total AO3 word count?
73, 211
3. What fandoms do you write for?
I've written in OUAT before extensively, but now I'm strictly RWRB.
4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?
Ghosts
Retaliation
Do we still have forever?
Modification to the map of you
Volume Control
5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?
Every single one that I get! They all absolutely make my day, so I will always respond, even if it takes me a little while. I save them all up in my emails, and I'll go through and personally respond whenever I get a free moment.
6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? 7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
Angstiest: Darkest before the dawn (and it isn't even really that angsty at all haha I love writing angst but it has to come with a happy ending)
Happiest: The Maldives
8. Do you get hate on fics?
I haven't so far, and I'm immensely grateful.
9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?
Fun fact: I never wrote (published) smut until I entered the RWRB fandom, so this media (both book and movie) has inspired a sort of bravery in me for being willing to share my interpretation of intimate moments between characters, and it brings me so much joy.
10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?
I have yet to write a crossover!
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
Not that I'm aware of.
12. Have you ever had a fic translated?
I have not.
13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?
After Halloween, Huh ends, @thinkof-england and I are going to co-write a fic together. Stay tuned! I'm so excited!
14. What’s your all time favorite ship?
FirstPrince. Hands down. No questions asked. Not a doubt in my mind.
15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?
I have a Kelvin Timeline Star Trek fic that I started way back before RWRB came storming into my life, and I don't know if I'll ever go back to it, but someday I'd like to. @oneofthewednesdays was immensely helpful in reading through the pieces I had and being the best Beta/cheerleader ever.
16. What are your writing strengths?
I've been told that I'm aces at dialogue. I like to think that capturing genuine character voices is a strong suit of mine as well, not just spoken but internal as well.
17. What are your writing weaknesses?
Writing anything beyond a one shot. I don't typically tackle multichapters because I like telling a complete story in a single go and then moving on to the next, but I'm trying to be better!
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?
I LOVE writing Spanish, spoken by Alex (or even Henry) or their daughter. It's gotten me back into my own memories of taking Spanish from middle school through high school and into college.
19. First fandom you wrote for?
Pirates of the Caribbean.
20. Favorite fic you’ve written?
I think that I have to say What If I Do? because it features my all-time favorite snippet I have ever written:
“Fuck,” is all that he can say, but even that tastes of Alex, of top shelf whiskey and the cinnamon he always adds to his coffee. Alex had spoken the word into Henry’s mouth on countless occasions, so he was all-too-familiar with the way it slipped off of his tongue so smoothly, as if the letters themselves were forged together just for him by some foul-mouthed god who knew the damage such a word might wreak in the possession of someone as fearless as Alexander Claremont-Diaz.
No pressure tag: @whimsymanaged, @oneofthewednesdays, and @thinkof-england
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multistanparadise · 2 years
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Felix x black!poc!reader
Simp Culture~
A/n: This is an archive piece and I’m thinking about doing a series of different idols in the Simp Culture thing, if you can think of an idol message a request :)
*unedited
Y/n
I am totally head over heels in love with Lee Felix. I think about him everyday and just the thought of him gives me butterflies but there's just a slight problem...he's in love with my best friend and not me. She doesn't like him instead opting for his friend Jisung but that doesn't stop him from liking her all the same. He complains to me about her and I honestly feel sorry fo the guy because he has an unrequited love...much like the one I have for him. I'd do anything for him but he obviously doesn't feel like that for me.
"Y/n you should just tell him how you feel, you'll end up getting hurt in the process if you don't." Chan sympathizes being my other best friend. "I can't because I know he's going to reject me, he loves Mirah and she loves Jisung. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to die just hearing him be so obvious around her. I wish he loved me...maybe I should get it over with now. I'll call him."
~
"Hey you wanted to meet up?" I sigh not being able to meet his eyes. "I did...I wanted to tell you that.... I kinda like you but I know you don't like me that way so I'm fine with that. I just had to tell you that." He looks surprised and blinks a bit. "Oh wow urm Y/n/n I hate to say this but I don't feel the same way. I would still like to be your friend though and support you. You've been a really great friend and I don't want to lose you." I feel my heart shatter as he finishes speaking and I try to conceal it with a smile.
I feel my eyes prick with tears and I turn away so he can't see the tears starting to fall. "Well okay then I'm going to go." I start walking in the opposite direction away from the guy who still has my heart. "Y/n/n we're still okay right?" I pause walking and I turn around wiping my tears. "Would you be okay if Mirah rejected you and told you that she loved someone else? Would your heart be beating the same if you knew that the person you're in love with won't ever love you like you love them but you'd do anything for them just because you want them to be happy?"
"I'm going to now, I'll be taking a much needed break from you and everyone for that matter." I turn around again, walking away from him with a quickness.
☀️
2 weeks later
I take my seat in the student library to work on my homework and to study for my chemistry test. "Y/n ignoring me won't help you." Chan sits across from me and I sigh. "You're his best friend too so I'm not going to make you choose who to be friends with. I'm trying to study for a test if you don't mind." He sighs pulling out his books as well. "I'm going to be your friend still, I love being around you. So chemistry?" I nod starting to work on my homework. "So...have you seen him at all?"
"In passing because we are in college, I'm bound to see him around campus eventually." I try to see if the answer to the question is in my notes from class. "That's true...so are you still in love with him?" I shrug trying to not directly answer the question. "If not would you like to join me for lunch?" I raise an eyebrow. "Are you asking me out on a date?" His face creeps with a rosy blush. "Well if you want it to be..." I smile for what seems like the first time in forever. "Yes I'd love to."
~
Chan and I walk to class together smiling. "I hope you do well on your test today, you've been studying really hard. I believe in you!" He kisses me on my forehead before hugging me. "Y/n/n and...Chan?" Felix looks slightly upset  but I smile lightly. "Thanks Channie, I have a go. I'll let you know how my test goes."
Third POV
Felix didn't know what to think about it seeing Y/n and Chan being so close. He was used to her always being with him and even talking to him. He's been avoided and ignored for the past two weeks making him feel lonely without her. He misses her and he might just be missing her more than he thought. "Oh hey mate, what's up?" Felix frowns at his friend. "Are  you and her...?" Chan laughs lightly seemingly amused. "You'd like to know wouldn't you? She loved you and you were so blinded by Mirah who already has Jisung that you couldn't see the wonderful person who loved you all along."
Felix sighs as they walk away from the classroom. "I miss her Chan, I realized that my day isn't complete without hearing her laugh or smiling at something I said or me teaching her a Tik Tok dance. I hate the fact I'm the reason she was crying that day and the reason her heart was broken. I didn't want to reject her Chan..." Chan feels stuck between a rock in a hard place. He has started developing feelings for Y/n and he doesn't want to let her go. He knows now that Felix may be reciprocating her feelings but does he deserve her?
"Look mate I'm going to be honest, I really like her and I want to date her...do you love her?" Felix feels torn now because he doesn't want to ruin anything for Chan but at the same time he wants to mend everything with Y/n. "....Mate if you want to date her then I won't stop you. You deserve her more than I do. I'll just ask one thing though, can I apologize to her?" Chan smiles and side hugs his friend. "Of course you can...thanks mate."
~
Y/n
I run out of class to find Chan waiting for me. "Channie I got a 97 on my test! I'm so happy I thought I was going to get a C but no I aced it!!" He hugs me and spins me around. "See I told you I believed in you, I knew you could do it!! Come on let's celebrate your A with ice cream!" As we start walking I feel him intertwine our hands. I smile up at him and he places a kiss on my forehead.
~
"Channie why is he here?" I whisper over to Chan as Felix sits across from us in the booth. "Urm hi Y/n/n...I'm really sorry about before, I was really insensitive to your feelings. I came to realize that I was ignoring my feelings for you because I didn't want to lose you but that's what I ended up doing. I really miss you and I'd like to still be your friend." I look over at Chan who is holding my hand still. "Well I accept your apology...we can still be friends. I realized this week that I can get over you and I think it's best. I like how things are going with Chan so I want to continue dating him."
Third POV
It was in that moment that Felix became Y/n's simp and the tables had officially turned.
A/n:
Okay hey lovelies!! I'm back and my pms are open so you can message me for requests❤️❤️❤️ okay love you guys until next time!
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narbevoguel · 3 months
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Hello guys. It's been a while since I made a post like this, but today I wanted to talk about my art. I haven't posted something proper in forever, and to say I haven't spent this entire time at least doodling a thing or two would be a lie, but there's a reason why I haven't been posting much and just keeping my art semi private, or multiple, let me explain (I'll have a TLDR at the end if you don't wanna bother with this, but written awfully):
First, I believe you guys deserve more than some stupid sketches. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy sketching, aesthetic aside, drawing multiple sketches a day is how I pushed myself to experiment new things and just get better overall, plus I draw them fast, so I could pull a bunch of sketches in the time it takes me to color just one, so I could spill one silly idea after the other. I don't know why or exactly when I started to feel like this is just not worth it for you guys, that you deserve more from me than what I put out, that maybe I disappoint you immensely. This isn't even about reach, I don't care about that, this is about me showing something worth to see.
Second, is how I chose to spend my time. Last year was a very busy year for me overall, my job became increasingly demanding at times, lotsa personal issues that stressed me out immensely, which resulted in me using my remaining free time doing other activities, including spending time with people I shouldn't have been so permissive with (except my gang, that's why I made it a New Year's Resolution to annoy you guys more, you know who you are), it became a thing where I was even afraid to say no to them in favor of my art or other me-activities in fear of them taking it the wrong way, which, in a weird way, ended up happening anyway and resulted in long term passive aggressive conflict, and well, all of this negativity and then some, especially combined, made me reluctant to pick my pen up most of the time, which leads me to my next point.
Third, not drawing as often made me lose my momentum considerably. I could draw stuff comfortably without much artblock, if at all, or something I thought looked ugly. It just came out naturally, sometimes without even using references, it was crazy, but I feel I lost that momentum; don't get me wrong, I don't think my art looks worse than before, far from it, I did a comparison a couple of days ago and I noticed that despite all these issues, I have indeed improved a lot, thing is, I still feel it doesn't look good, I can't seem to know where I want to go with it, or what I want it to look like, I have no idea how to describe this feeling of "I hate immensely what I've been doing", maybe I'm beating myself up too hard and this is a result of not sharing anything with you guys, but I want to be comfortable with the characters I always draw before I bring them out again (although for some reason Purah's perfection always makes my doodling easier, she has become my ultimate comfort character it seems, hah).
All that said, I want to change things this time. I'm not sure if I'll post more like I did before, or if I'll post less than I used to, but I want to post things again. Maybe won't start soon, but will definitely do it. I've even been stocking up on traditional materials to pick the pen back up in other ways as well (haven't done this since my college days, so I'm a bit excited), I don't want to make promises I can't keep (you guys know I'm terrible with keeping up with stuff lol), but I will try my hardest to post more finished pictures and less sketches. It might result in me posting less art and/or jokes as before, but we'll see where that leads me. I'm still not sure if I'll continue to keep the sketches to myself or not, but one step at a time, step one is to just stop beating myself up, turns out my negativity knows how to throw hands. If you read ALL to this point, my most sincere thanks, I know it isn't easy to put up with my crap, and if you didn't it's fine, I still love you, in fact, I'll sum it up for you below.
TLDR: I'm a stupid piece of crap that didn't know how to manage my free time which resulted in me developing a very serious case of imposter syndrome and I'm throwing hands back in hopes, no, in expectancy of walking out of it a victor, for my sake, and for you guys as well.
Anyway, thanks for reading, short or long version, and remember, a Purah a day, keeps uh, the heart happy and brain mushy, or something like that.
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bi-bard · 2 years
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Are You Gonna Work, You Gonna Hurt, You Gonna Last Forever? - Sam Winchester Imagine (Supernatural)
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Title: Are You Gonna Work, You Gonna Hurt, You Gonna Last Forever?
Pairing: Sam Winchester X Reader
Word Count: 1,046 words
Warning(s): illusions to sex (real vague)
Summary: (Inspired by "Cate's Brother" by Maisie Peters; Season 2-ish) (Y/n) finally gets to meet Dean's younger brother. Dean didn't think of the consequences of that happening.
Author's Note: I am late, but she dropped Cate's Brother! Hell yeah!! Now, we just gotta get her to release Girl's House!!
Oh, the reader in this is actually inspired by a character I was working on for a full-length Sam Winchester story (the idea ended up getting scrapped due to how hectic my school life got).
Hey! I did a rewrite of the ending of Supernatural. It took a really long time to complete, so it would mean a lot to me if you check it out. Here’s a link! (it’s on my personal account)
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The first time I worked with Dean Winchester, it was an accident. His dad had sent him out on a hunt. We ended up working the same case.
We immediately ended up being a natural team.
I started working with Dean whenever he needed extra help. I even worked with John a few times, not that I enjoyed the experience. Dean tried to keep me from working with him.
I was more than excited when he called me about a new case.
I skipped out of the motel with a smile on my face when he called me to tell me he was here.
I yanked the door shut and waved at the impala as I walked over. I leaned down on the driver's side window.
"Hey Winchester, been a while," I said happily before looking at the passenger seat. "Who's this?"
"This is Sammy, my little brother," Dean hit his brother's arm.
His brother rolled his eyes, "I'm Sam."
"Nice to meet you, Junior," I nodded before turning to Dean. "Want me to throw my bag in the trunk or the backseat?"
"Either way works."
"Really? Your dad used to throw a fit," I chuckled before going to get in the backseat.
"Well, he's not gonna be an issue."
"Did he get a different case?"
"No," Dean muttered. The air shifted. "He... He died."
"Oh my god," I scooted forward on the seat. "I'm sorry. I wouldn't have said anything-"
"You're fine," he cut me off, giving me a half-hearted grin.
I looked over at Sam, who did the same thing. I leaned back into my seat again. I felt a rock sitting in my stomach. What a great way to start a hunt.
--time skip--
After the hunt, Dean decided to take a bar run. Sam and I stayed back. My arm had been slashed during the hunt, so Sam was going to help me patch it up.
"You could've gone with Dean," I said. "I can patch up my own wounds. How else do you think I've survived this long?"
"I'm going to leave you sitting here alone after you got hurt," he replied. "Not my style."
"Whatever you say, Junior," I shrugged.
"Why the nickname," he asked. "You've known me a matter of days and I have already been assigned 'Junior'?"
"Dean is already called 'Winchester', what else would I call you," I chuckled.
"My name?"
"Oh, that is just no fun," I rolled my eyes.
Sam was just finishing up his bandaging. He let go of my arm but didn't move back. He instead leaned on the table next to me.
"So, where have you been," I asked. "I've hunted with Dean before. Where were you?"
"College," he replied. "Stanford."
"And you left?"
"Didn't have a choice."
"And you never went back?"
He shook his head.
"I'm sorry, you probably don't want to talk about this," I said. "It's none of my business."
"No, it's alright," Sam promised. "It was gonna come up eventually."
I nodded, glancing down for a moment. We fell into a silence. I couldn't tell if it was awkward or not. Either way, I didn't know how to break it.
"(Y/n)," he said softly.
I turned my head to look at him. I jumped a little when his lips touched mine. Still, I reached up and cupped the side of his face as I kissed him back.
When he finally pulled away, I let a smile cross my face, "Not bad, Junior."
He scoffed and rolled his eyes, "I'll never escape that one, will I?"
"Probably not," I shrugged before hopping off of the table and walking toward the door. "But hey... if annoys you that much, do something about it."
"Where are you going," he asked.
"My room," I replied. There was a pause. "Get to the answer faster, Junior."
He blinked at me a few times, "Oh... Oh!"
I laughed as I walked out of their room and toward my own. I heard Sam quickly following behind me.
--Next Morning--
When I woke up the next morning, Sam was still lying next to me. It was... new.
It's not exactly shocking that when you're a hunter, you don't expect your... friends... to still be there the night after you've had your fun.
Seeing Sam when I first woke up was the best kind of different. I moved a little closer to him, trying to cuddle into him a little more than I had been.
I grinned when I felt one of his arms wrap around me.
"Morning," he grumbled.
"Morning," I replied.
We tried to relax and enjoy the morning when there was a loud knock on the door.
"(Y/n), get your ass up," I heard Dean yell through the door. "Sam's not in the room and he won't answer his phone!"
I quickly pulled away from Sam and stood up. I started pulling on my pants and shirt from the previous night. Sam stood up and start doing the same.
"(Y/n), come on," he shouted. "At least answer me!"
I checked that Sam was dressed before I pulled the door open.
"Finally," Dean stormed in. "I can't- oh."
He looked at his brother for a second.
Then, he looked from his brother over to me. After a few more glances between the two of us.
"Oh... gross," he scrunched his face up. "That's my brother!"
"I am an adult, Dean," Sam replied.
"Still gross," Dean said.
"You wouldn't have known if you didn't storm in," I shrugged.
"How long would you have hidden this?"
"I can't say that me sleeping with Sam would've come up in our normal conversation."
Dean shook his head, "You two just... get ready. We're leaving in an hour. We are never going to discuss this again."
"God, I hope not," I muttered as Dean stormed back out of the room.
"I am... very sorry for him," Sam said. I chuckled.
"Yeah... you have nothing to apologize for," I shook my head. "Come on. We should both get ready before he throws a temper tantrum."
"I'd like to do that again," Sam commented as I walked to the bathroom. "If... If you'd like to."
"Sounds like a plan, Junior."
He didn't comment on the nickname that time. He just smiled.
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Masterlist (Includes links to All Writing Challenges)
What I Write For
Some Original Characters
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adamsvanrhijn · 1 year
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i like to think johnoscar been together since like immediately post-college. they've deffo got that "been together forever" vibe. the way they argue is soooo middle-aged married couple. i think if they'd only been together a little while, oscar wouldn't have allowed john to meet his mother. with all his paranoia, he seems the sort to be like "we've been together a decade, maybe i'll let you be seen in public walking on the same side of the street as me, as a treat".
i love that you sent me this ask. thank you <3
i feel like in my general mental timeline they are both rich guys whose immediately post-college obligations are "tour europe" and "work for my dad" and that they must have made it a couple of years in that vein. like oscar obviously did at least the "work for my dad" part and never thought not to like that is demonstrably what he did it is possible he did not even go to college and/or did not finish college as that was not uncommon among the "work for my dad" cohort across social classes [that had college available to them as a choice]. but i personally think oscar was in the bracket that would have at least gone for a year or two, age wise, because i estimate him being of Entry To College age prior to 1870 but after 1865, at which point it was way more common to send your sons to college regardless of whether or not he was entering the family business, and if oscar were college age prior to that then. well. i would have to seriously reevaluate my perception of him to say the least. but john.
my god john.
the thing. is that. Realistically. a guy named john adams who is the great grandson of quincy adams and a member of the adams american political family. is graduating from harvard specifically and then going to europe or farther and then going to law school and/or apprenticing in a family law firm. you can play adams family bingo with these criteria and you will get a bingo because this happened like ten times with ten guys. you will get slightly fewer bingos if you add "had some kind of crisis and/or epiphany and/or political election that prevented them from continuing to pursue law as a lawyer" but you will still probably come close.
so. i don't know anything about john EXCEPT that i think john adams, beloved by every woman in new york apparently including aurora "oh, mr. adams! how nice!" fane, would have met agnes van rhijn sooner or later regardless of anything oscar did or said, and that oscar would recognize this and either:
try to get ahead of it by being first, like, hi mom look who i met. he is the great grandson of quincy adams. and then john has to get grilled by agnes and then he has to smile politely and say he agrees with agnes's positive takes about her dad's whig political opinions.
OR. just let that introduction happen without engineering it, and then when his mother inevitably is like guess who i met. he is the great grandson of quincy adams. he can be like oh that guy? yeah that guy's nice we go to lunch sometimes. and she can be like invite him for lunch here. and then oscar will have to do that.
it is of course also possible that agnes met john before oscar did.
i ALSO think it has been shown that people are generally aware of their friendship?? like. in 1.08 they are lunching in public at, the credits confirm (props 2 tumblr user @whartonists for catching this one), the union, which is about as publicly associated as they can get, socially in the male sphere at least. and i am VERY CURIOUS to know if oscar is going to allow public associations like this to continue now that john has confirmed he cannot be trusted to not be crazy in them.
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?
the gifted kid burnout was strong this week.
i hate that phrase, because last year i told my best friend at the time "i think im burnt out." and she looked me dead in the eyes and told me that i was too young, too good, that my life was too easy for me to be going through burnout.
i think that's when i stopped looking up to her.
once i was talking to my "friends" during lunch, and somehow we started talking about crying on command. my day was pretty shitty so when i was the only person who could cry on command i wasn't really surprised, it just felt like crying. i blamed my ability on staring at the lights, and just being good at it, but on girl looked at me. and. she knew.
she wasn't even my best friend. my best friend was right there and she didn't notice. she was talking to someone else. but this girl that i'd had barely a few conversations with, she knew. she could tell. and that almost made me actually cry. i was so tired. so so tired.
this girl's my best friend now, and i tell her everything. i dont know where i would be without her. but this week was another hard week. i feel like im slipping into a depression or something, i don't know. i feel so numb, so tired. my math teacher takes forever to put in grades, so right now alot of my assignments show up as missing, so i'm failing her class. it makes me feel so embarrassed, so ashamed, but also i can't bring myself to care. im so tired. i want to scream. im angry, but im too tired to be angry.
i just want it all to stop. i want it to be over and done with. i want to be 37, living in a blue house with white accents and three adopted kids, and being happy. feeling free. at the same time i want to be 5, singing along to "party in the usa" and arguing with my aunt on pink vs. purple. at the same time i want to be dead, simply not existing. i want to never have existed. i want to not have to feel.
im so tired. but its not like im suicidal or anything. i've thought about killing myself, but it the way anyone would do when your friend nearly ends it all for themself. i wouldn't ever kill myself. ive got too much to live for. my friends would be upset. i would never find a partner. i would never finish writing a book, or influence a life. so im living. but im not happy about it. i just want to go to sleep, but i know that if i do, the morning will come faster, and i'll have to go through the world all over again. and again. and again. and again.
there's no point in delaying the inevitable, but i will anyways, because it makes me feel like i have some sort of control over myself.
one day its going to be over. just a few more years. this school year's almost over. a few more days till the end of the week. a few more months till the end of the year. a few more years till the end of school. will it ever end, truly? senior year seems so far away. and ill dissapoint everyone if i dont go to college. is that another four years? five? six? its so much. i just want to go to sleep. i just want to sleep in, and then crochet myself a top, and then watercolor in the sun. and then sleep. but i cant, and i feel like im dying. i dont want to die. i just want to get out of this cycle. wake up, go to school, go home, cry, go to sleep. wake up. go to school. go home. stress. cry. go to sleep. i cant do this. please, i need some sort of lifeline.
im so tired.
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i hope for a comfortable night at the end of your day (jan 07, 2022)
According to the Tumblr Year in Review thingie, I posted 236 times in 2022--and I didn't even make my account until March-ish! I should either celebrate or go touch grass. Joke's on you, though, because I pet plants all the time when I age-regress. Don't ask about the cactus experiences, please! /lh
OMGOMG LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT
My recent music obsession has been "La Loto" by Tini, Becky G, and Anitta! I can always trust Tini to come out with weirdly replayable songs, (ex: "Fantasi" and "22") and this is no exception. Becky G, especially, sounds great--her flow is a last-minute energy boost, full of unexpected vitriol, that makes me want to go back and see what she's been doing since "Shower" (which was THE middle school song btw). The beat squeaks under the pressure of their dominating presences, and I just feel so good about myself while listening to this one (and maybe, just maybe, pretending I could perform this track the way these three do).
Ily:1, my rookies of the year for 2022, just had a comeback! I did not know it was going to happen, but Spotify let me know the day of. Right now, "Secret Recipe" is taking up most of my attention--I don't mind their hyper-cutesy affectations here, because the chorus is just so precious. I'm sure I'll get around to listening to the title track, "Twinkle, Twinkle," again at some point, though!
I'm only two songs into the Moonbin & Sanha album (I KEEP TELLING Y'ALL I'M SLOW AND THIS IS WHAT I MEAN), but they're both fantastic, sleek and midnight-black in tone. The prechorus of "Madness" inexplicably reminds me of that one song, "Timber," that used to play at every middle school party, and, even more inexplicably, that makes "Madness" quite appealing to me. (Better than "Timber," anyway. That song could use a whole lot less Pitbull.)
Okay, I'll be done with talking about music for now--I'm mostly just catching up on 2021 songs right now, anyway! My brother got me to watch the recent Coffeezilla videos about Jake Paul, which were my introduction to the channel, so my recent YouTube life has mostly been a spiral into the depths of Coffeezilla's videography--I'm learning more than I ever wanted to know about manipulative sales tactics (the "Save the Kids" series, in particular, is fascinating)!
I'm also in the middle of Taejiu's "HIT is the best song you forgot about," only because I was reminded of "Miroh" by Stray Kids while watching and stopped to go listen to that and then couldn't stop listening to "Miroh" and then forgot to come back to finish the video. (Stray Kids does that to a guy!) As someone who has been trying to get into Seventeen for forever, this video is an exciting place to start--maybe I'll be able to check off the "get into astro and/or svt" bingo square only a few days into the new year!
Will I Do Anything Interesting Tomorrow?
I'm taking my youngest sibling out for ice cream--there's a place in our neighborhood that we used to visit all the time back when I lived at home, so I wanted to take them once before I leave the state again for college! Otherwise, I'll just be resting (hoping to get a nap in, since I missed out on naps for both Friday & today) from all the social events I've had in the past few days. I'm so happy to be able to see my friends from home after months of only texts and calls, but it's a lot of pressure for my already-not-great physical state :( I'll plan to spend most of the day curled up in bed, listening to audiobooks, to make up for all the energy expended!
Quote of the Day
Are you sure they're speaking German? Because I could have sworn I just heard them say "hamburger."
-- me
BUT UPDATE HAMBURGER IS ACTUALLY A WORD IN GERMAN
BUT ALSO THAT PERSON WAS JUST SPEAKING GIBBERISH IT WAS NOT ACTUALLY GERMAN
AND ALSO HAMBURGER IN GERMAN DOESN'T MEAN THE SAME THING AS HAMBURGER IN ENGLISH
SO
IDK THAT'S IT
photo journal excerpts
First, we have a pink sky through my car window! Pink is my favorite color :) Second is my cat in his little nest of toys, and third is a snake ring my family bought for me!
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voluptuarian · 1 month
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I'm so fucking tired... not physically (for once) but just like Of everything. I feel like nothing I do accomplishes anything, like I'm going nowhere, like I'm constantly on the edge of some disaster, and like I have no control over any facet of my life.
I realized in the middle of my stats class, which is always a miserable experience, as I was being faced with algebra yet again, that I have been grappling helplessly and inescapably with math for probably longer than most my classmates have been alive. It's supposed to end someday, and yet here I am, 35 and almost graduated and here's fucking algebra once again.
I'm desperate for money, so I try and get more/alternative work, but either it's dependent on others and so will never happen, or I literally do not have time to do it in. I try and sell things, and nobody will take them. Even when I try to buy things I can't find them, or afford them, or people selling them just ignore me, for no reason, which is why I still don't have a goddamn sofa. I can't even rely on people close to me to help me do the most basic things I ask them to.
College has made the passage of time feel like the end of the fucking world anyway, but now that I have one term's length in which to accomplish everything I've ever needed to do in my life every day that passes feels like a death sentence. Like getting to the halfway point of February fills me with absolute dread. I'm working so hard to get ahead on as much as I can in all my classes so I can avoid a backlog with finals, because if I have to take an incomplete on anything that will put my graduation in jeopardy, so I live like a madwoman now. I still have an incomplete from last term that I need to finish, but I'm too busy with my other courses to deal with it now, so I'll have to spend my spring break doing that. Never mind I need to get my name changed beforehand, and figure out what I'm even going to do after graduation-- I'll be out of money forever then, so I have to either have an internship set up, or be going straight into graduate school (not that I have any idea what I'm doing in that regard) or have something else set up. And any of those things requires some other person to respond to me, answer my questions, choose or approve me, so they're all obviously doomed, because I'm a like a non-person passing through life-- I already know any situation whatsoever which requires the approval or involvement of anyone but myself (which is like 90% of life) is doomed from the start, because even if they're not actively working against me out of some innate hostility that I inspire in half the people I interact with, they just feel no need to do anything or make any effort or even respond because they just don't actually register that I exist I guess. How am I supposed to be even educationally or professionally successful in a situation like that, let alone like ever have friends or a significant other or any kind of rewarding relationship whatsoever? (Not that I would ever have the time to spend on those lol)
Meanwhile I have to choose between buying things I need for my still-mostly-unmoved-into apartment, or spend my widow's mite donating to some new crisis that none of the powers that be care to do anything about. And I do this hopelessly-- I keep seeing posts that are like "don't lose hope for Palestine!" "I know Palestine will be free in my lifetime!" I don't believe that; I don't have hope. Palestine hasn't been free in my lifetime, it hasn't been free in my parent's lifetime, why would I think anything would change now? Some of my earliest memories are hearing about suicide bombings on busses in the 90s-- I've always known this situation would never end well, and I don't have any hope for it now when it's gotten worse-- I give what I can and do what I can and try to make an impact for a few individuals for awhile, but I don't have any hope for the future. And meanwhile, anything I do for one cause takes away from what I can do for any other cause elsewhere. If I give to Palestine today, I can't give to Ukraine tomorrow, if I give to Ukraine today I can't donate to a go fund me in America tomorrow...
(Let's not even get into the stress of the election, and what the fuck I'm going to do if somehow Biden doesn't win... like I will need to be out of the country ASAP then and don't even know I'll manage that...)
And on top of all this I live with a landlord who's remodeling our entire building while we still live in it, BECAUSE WHY WOULD I EVER HAVE ONE NICE THING so waking up at 8 am to insanely loud construction sounds and endlessly yelling and cussing workers is just a normal part of my life now. I will come home after a night shift and hope and pray that I can sleep for 4 hours before something wakes me up. I have to put signs up on my door every day with "do not disturb" or "on zoom please be quiet" or "no entry before 10 am" just to try and have a normal life, and I will STILL get people pounding on my door trying to get in regardless. I had to email my landlord just today going "no, having your incapable workers try to fix the terrible paint job they already spent four days inconveniencing me with on Monday morning at 8 am will not work for me, since I will have just come home from a night shift-- they have to wait till at least the afternoon to barge into my house and intentionally bring the value of my apartment down." I have no autonomy, no control, no normalcy, no routine, and no privacy in my own home, even when I live alone. That's more than I deserve to have apparently.
Everything in my life is just pointless, and meaningless, and completely out of my control no matter what I do, and I spend every hour of the day in dread of one thing or another. I feel like somebody turned on a laugh track the day I was born and it won't turn off until I die. And it's always been like this! It's always going to be like this! The situations change but the outcome is always the same and nothing I do ever solves it and I'm so FUCKING SICK OF IT
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The Brother Trap
Fandom: DC Comics, Flashfam
Summary: Owen wants to connect with his half-brothers for the first time. Luckily for him, they all go to the same university. Will bad blood between twins keep Owen from the family of his dreams, or is he the missing piece they've always needed?
Chapters: 6/?
Characters: Owen Mercer, Axel Walker, Thad Thawne, Bart Allen, Meloni Thawne, Deborah Morgna, Preston Lindsay, President Thaddeus Thawne Mention
Relationships: Owen Mercer/Axel Walker, Thad Thawne/Deborah Morgna, PrestonBart
Additional Tags: POV Third Person, College AU, Angst and Fluff, Family Dynamics, Family Issues, No Powers AU
Chapter Six: Complicated
Owen sat next to Axel in the back corner of the class late that afternoon, and Axel looked him in the eyes. "Got anything to eat in your magic duffel bag?" Axel asked.
Owen reached in his bag and offered Axel half a sandwich. "I'm gonna meet my mom this weekend," Owen mumbled. Axel stopped chewing mid-bite. "What?"
Axel covered his mouth as he finished chewing. "Don't you think you're moving a little fast?" Axel questioned. Owen shrugged.
"I don't know. I mean, it's not like my mom will know who I am. I was thinking—. Maybe you can come with me," Owen suggested. Axel sighed. "I know how much you like Texas Hold 'Em."
"This could get messy... And while I usually love to be there when things crash and burn for people, you're my best friend—."
"Axe, please. I'm not expecting things to be perfect. I just want you to be there for the most important moment in my life," Owen pleaded. Axel's cheeks went rosy, and he turned his head. "Please?"
"Don't do that," Axel whispered as he looked straight ahead, "Don't look at me like that... With your stupid eyes and-. Fine, I'll go with you."
Owen pulled Axel in and pressed a kiss to his cheek. "You're the best, Axe. I owe you one," Owen whispered. Axel wouldn't look at him. Owen was too excited to realize that he'd kissed him.
"Mind if I stay the night at your place? My roommate's studying with his girlfriend, and he wants the room," Axel whispered. Owen nodded. "Do you wanna hit the gym after class?"
"Nah, we'll just walk home, and I'll make dinner. If you want, you can just move in next semester. I could even get you a bed, you know... As a housewarming gift," Owen offered. Axel turned to face him.
"Are you asking me to move into your bachelor pad?" Axel asked.
"It doesn't have to be. I lease month-to-month. We could always move into a slightly larger place," Owen replied. Axel smiled and nodded. Owen playfully punched Axel's shoulder, and Axel got him back.
"Yeah, okay... And Owen? No matter what happens, we're still family," Axel reassured him. Owen smiled and nodded.
They waited twenty minutes for their professor to show up. When she didn't, they signed in on a piece of paper and left the classroom. Axel and Owen walked home together, and Owen washed up. Axel took his shirt off and threw it in Owen's hamper. "Nice body," Owen teased. Axel gave him the finger.
"I'm gonna take a shower," Axel replied.
Owen nodded and stretched out. He washed his hands and got started on dinner. Owen liked having Axel around. He'd never say it out loud, but Axel was the one person in his life that he could see himself with forever. They never talked about their feelings, but they both knew how the other felt. He liked Axel and Axel liked him, but it felt weird to Owen to move forward with a relationship when they were all they had.
"I'm making fish!" Owen called out to Axel while he was in the shower. Axel made a loud noise in the affirmative. He sauteed the vegetables and boiled four eggs.
"Owen! I'm gonna use your towel!" Axel yelled from the bathroom. Owen grabbed a fresh towel off the couch and brought it to him. Owen lingered in the bathroom with him, and Axel chuckled nervously. "Got something on your mind?"
Owen nodded. "And that's why I'm going back to the kitchen before dinner burns," Owen replied. Axel held eye contact with Owen as he backed out of the bathroom and wrapped his towel around his waist. He followed Owen to the kitchen and sat at the counter.
"The new shower head's working like a charm, huh?" Axel smiled. Owen put the fish on the stove.
"Yeah, thanks for changing it," Owen whispered. He turned the eggs off and chopped them up, but he kept thinking about meeting his mom.
"Owen, you okay?" Axel asked.
Owen nodded and offered him some of the eggs. Axel ate a few off the cutting board while waiting for Owen to speak. "Do you ever think about your folks?" Owen asked.
Axel shook his head. "Not really, no... But your situation is different," Axel replied, "Your dad said they both wanted you. It was just a timing thing."
Owen nodded. "Like you and me?" Owen asked.
Axel scoffed and laughed uncomfortably. "That's not why, and you know it, but okay. Got anything good to drink?" Axel asked. Owen nodded and gestured towards the fridge with his head.
"Might have a little gin left in the refrigerator," Owen whispered. Axel stood up and brushed hands with Owen as he walked past. Owen hooked his finger with Axel's.
"You said your brother was drunk the night you ran into him at that party, right?" Axel asked. Owen nodded. "What do you think he drinks?"
"Something tropical. I could smell it on him. Kind of like mangoes and vodka," Owen replied. Axel nodded and poured himself some gin. Axel gave Owen a glass and poured him a smaller amount. "Why?"
"Do you think they both drink?" Axel asked.
Owen shook his head. "I don't get that vibe from Bart... He looks like the most hardcore drink he's ever had is ginger ale," Owen answered.
Axel took a sip and walked over to the stove to look at the food. "If you wanna win your mom over this weekend, you should cook," Axel whispered.
"That's not a bad idea, Axe," Owen whispered. Axel smiled and shrugged. "Never let anyone tell you that you're just a pretty face."
"Pretty?" Axel teased as he raised his brow. Owen pinched his cheek. Owen took a few sips of gin. Axel slipped away to get dressed by Owen's bed. He put on a pair of sweats and one of Owen's t-shirts.
"That's my shirt," Owen pointed out. He didn't mind. He liked the way Axel made his clothes smell.
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crmsnmth-journal · 2 months
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1/12/2024
10:44 PM
I wanted to make this a daily thing again, but it seems I can't do that. I mean, I think my dad dying is a pretty good excuse for my lapse in keeping a journal. I wrote my memorial and I'll add it here after I finish today's entry. I shared it yesterday and I forget what it's like to have support. So many condolences, and weirdly compliments on my writing. It's truly bitter sweet.
“I haven't said much of anything publicly. Things still feel unreal.
As some may know, but most don't, last week, I lost my father. It was both expected and unexpected at the same time. I think that's how a lot of deaths are. You could know everything, right down to the second your soul left, and it would still come as a shocking surprise every single time. And of course, that's one phone call you never really want to hear.
Emotions fly high when something like this happens. It takes you on a roller-coaster. I'm sad and depressed. Of course, I am. I lost my dad. I'm no machine. But I'm also angry, so very angry. I'm angry because there's no justice in something like this. I'm angry because I feel ripped off. At other times, I'm numb. Sometimes even feeling guilty and not sure what it was that I had done wrong. The wonders of grief.
I'm going to miss him. A lot. I think that's pretty normal, isn't it? I've known him my entire life. Death, even when peaceful and easy to slip into, is always violent. It's not violent for the dying or deceased. It's violent for those of us who are left behind. It strangles us with choked words as we find comfort in our family and friends and selves. It rips your heart out from your chest with an unmatched force, leaving behind nothing but a black hole where your organ once was. It breaks your bones as you drop down to the floor. It blinds you with saltwater tears that start to roll down your cheeks. Death is violent. Silent violence.
Grief is weird. Grief is such a universal, yes completely personal experience. We all deal with grief, or if we haven't yet, we will. Everybody must face grief at some point in their life. And even with that fact, it's all down to who a person is on how they deal with it. Some dive headfirst into work for a distraction. Others drink until they pass out. A few go into isolation to face it alone. And then there's me. I write.
I wrote a letter or two to him. Things I wanted to talk to him about, or songs I had stashed away to show him. I wrote to him, and it actually helped me feel a little bit better. So that's what I have to face grief and death. I face it with a pen in one hand and a college-lined notebook in the other.
My dad and I's relationship was never perfect or all that conventional, but that's ok. It worked for us and who we were as people. I have plenty of absolutely wonderful memories with my dad, and it's in those memories how I'll remember him. Fishing in the lake by his apartment. Going to see Motley Crue in Milwaukee. The camping trips. The visits to his house. Playing guitar together. Listening to music at a much too high volume. Canoeing down the Kickapoo only to stop at every sand bar to look for rocks and arrowheads. The list really can go on and on. I choose to remember my dad this way, instead of that dying hospital costume.
My dad was intelligent and eccentric. He'd find new hobbies all the time, and dive headfirst into each one until he learned all he could. He liked what he liked and that's how it was going to be. And that's a trait worthy of looking up too. He never gave a damn what anybody thought of him and he was unapologetically himself. Once again, those are good traits to have, and one's I'm glad he was able to get instilled into me.
It's time's like now where I realize that living in the moment is so very important. All those moments I had with my dad seemed so mundane and whatever as they happened. And all it took was one day, one hour, one minute, one second really and those moments and memories are now sacred ground.
I am forever grateful that his and I's relationship was at a good place. Even that doesn't justify it. Our relationship at one point was strictly through text messages and rarely did we find the time to keep that father son thing going, usually seeing each other for the holidays but that was about it. But as we both grew older, wiser and maybe just a little bit more crazy, that father son bond did return. We were talking. And I visited for a few days this summer. A trip that is now so very important.
He died knowing he was loved, And when you think about it, that's all we really ask for. I think that's a pretty great way to go. Knowing that you were loved. That you were important in so many different lives, be it friends or family. We all said our words to him, hugged him and left the room. And less then a week later, he was gone. We all had our final words with him though. Mine were just "I love you, dad." And with how short that sentence is, I think it's pretty powerful. There was no message better than that.
Now comes the dawn of mourning. The real mourning. The crying at three in the morning kind of mourning. I'm sorry to anyone around me. I am trying to hold it together and most of the time, I'm doing a pretty good job doing just that. But if you see me wiping a tear from my eye. Or quickly changing a song while at work, it is because I'm mourning. I'm learning to live while grieving. I'm learning how to live without a father. And I was not prepared to learn this stuff. There is no textbook or instructions to come with it. You've got to figure that all out on your own. And I'm still figuring that out, but I think I'm getting close.
I'm going to miss him. I mean, I already do. I'm going to miss the talks about severe weather. Or getting a text randomly. I'm gonna miss him through every moment still coming in the life. I wish he would've gotten a chance to meet Milo, but we'll make sure that Milo knows him too.
Nothing feels the same right now. It's surreal. Everything looks the same and everything works as it should, but it feels unreal. Like I've been placed in an alternate world. One where my dad is no longer a constant figure in my life. That one changes, changes everything. And it does it so quickly there's now way to see it. Of course, there is no alternate world. That is my real world now. And for hone long, I really couldn't say.
I think I'll wrap this up. I thought I needed to finish this with a bang. Some last line that really drives home the point I'm making. But then I realized I don't have a point. I just wanted to let go a little bit, and I wanted to talk about my dad for a few minutes.
See you later, Pop. I love you.”
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