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#confessions

I have come to realize that I’ll never be good enough. Never good enough for a man, never good enough for a woman, never good enough for my family, never good enough for myself. My existence is a never ending cycle of heartbreak and abandonment. No matter how much love I give, no matter how much affection I show, no matter how much I play hard to get and pretend not to give a fuck. I’m always doing something wrong. Everyone’s always saying “you’ll be enough for the right person.” But not even my own family has ever seen me as being “good enough.” I am a disappointment to everyone. Especially myself. I just want to be happy, and be loved. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. But I’m not worth it to anyone. And I have no other choice but to blame myself. Because even as a child, I wasn’t “good enough” for anyone to stay. I just want to be enough..

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Man… this YouTuber is too real. I love listening to psychology and philosophical youtube videos. She said she refuses to think about the past like oh what if things happened differently. Because it is completely pointless since we can’t change it. I am listening to her talk about how she changed her narrative about her past. She said she will refuse to tell her origin story of her as a tale of victimhood. Apparently she was sexually assaulted in college and her father passed away at a young age and she doesn’t talk about it anymore. It’s the reason she is successful, and the lessons she learned from what she went through. Same sis….but I’m not yet a successful author. lol. (And I’m so lucky my father didn’t die but he did go through cancer. I wish I could say I was not sexually assaulted in college but at least I wasn’t raped…which is a whole other can of worms I’m not getting into on here). Yeah I wasn’t dealt easy cards either. Who the fuck has?  

On a personal level. I am working on my writing again. If this quarantine has gotten me anything positive is that I have been trying to be more mindful of how I use my time. I’ve been eating healthy-ish. Yes I still eat pizza once a week and on rare occasion maybe even twice….don’t judge me. But at least the rest of the week I’m eating some veggies and protein almost daily. Today was a pancake/pizza day because I finally saw my nieces. At least my dinner was a nice grilled chicken, sweet potato gnocchi and green beans. Tomorrow I will see what I can cook up.  

I’ve been trying to set a routine of reading a chapter in 2 creative writing books I got last week. But one of the books is so dense sometimes. I read a blurb in it about how our minds purposely want to take short cuts. So basically our minds try to self sabotage us into looking at bullshit on google or whatever instead of getting shit done. I set timers on my phone so I don’t waste time down the social media rabbit hole. I’m cutting another half hour back so I hope it helps. 

I got stuck on another exercise where I have to think about what my strengths are as a writer and for some reason I find it so fucking hard to compliment myself. I’ve no idea why. I can name all my flaws so easily but when I have to sit down and say some positive shit about myself I still have to think… ugh….what are my strengths? Why is it so much more easy to tear myself down?

I’ve been trying to exercise daily but my body is so tired sometimes. It literally feels like my body is saying bitch! Sit the fuck down! You are still sore from whatever it is you did yesterday. It’s been more like 2-3 days in a row and rest or ….2-3 days in a row and a shorter low impact workout. It’s so hard trying to do an ab workout for 10-20 minutes daily. wtf? I’ve yet to figure out how to sleep with all these damn birds chirping at night and this hot ass heat. So I’m trying to listen to my body and today. Well it was a rest day. It is what it is. I thoroughly enjoyed making pancakes with my older niece. And the little one running around gave me a workout too. wtf? My respect to moms and grandma’s/all caretakers out there. Y’all doing God’s work. Literally! (Also working out is good for my physical and mental health…again trying to get out of my writing rut!)

Bonus, I’ve been trying to learn Korean because Parasite blew my mind! I want to know if the subtitles were accurate (don’t laugh at why I want to learn Korean. There’s method to my madness). One of my psychology books that it triggers your brain to think differently when you learn another language to It contributes to overall mental health and my writing. I uploaded Duolingo the other day to test it out but for some reason since it’s spelled phonetically in English it confuses me because I’ve been following along a Spanish speaker teaching Korean. I practically know all the consonants and single vowels. Still working on my double vowels and double consonants…. I can sorta read it and sound out some words if I do it slowly. It’s kind of fun. Like figuring out a puzzle. Still not sure what some of it means even if I can sound it. lol. The irony is not lost on me.  Also as a Spanish speaker I can honestly say I find it so annoying sometimes when I read the English captions to Spanish films or tb shows and I know it’s not even close to what it means. All the while I sit there and think who the fuck translated? 

I know this seems like a lot and it probably is. But perhaps this was the swift kick in the ass I needed to feel some semblance of productivity. Because I still somehow feel that I am not productive enough. At least now that I read it….I can see that I am wrong. Well then…It was not all for naught. Fun fact writing for 15 minutes a day also helpful for my writing.

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