#consent culture

[guiltyidealist]

🤲 more grunge-type affirmations

#they're a little more shitposty than my previous series but nonetheless #I have such a normal emotional attachment to middle right 🤭💞 #guiltyedits #dogs #wolves #cats #birbs #puppies #cougar #gougar #affirmations #reminders #radical self acceptance #consent culture #antiwork #autonomy #grunge #emo #punk #goth #vaporwave #cryptidcore #hopepunk #codependency #recovering codependent #bpd #life necessity #philosophy of relationships #codapunk #eye strain tw

[daja-the-hypnokitten]

Consent Culture: What it is and isn’t

In some of the hypnokink discord spaces I’m in, I’ve noticed a worrying trend. People saying other folk can’t talk about a specific topic, or use certain words, etc, because they “didn’t consent to that.” It’s a weaponization of consent culture to force *purity* culture, often, and I’m really tired of seeing the culture I fought so hard to help establish be used to silence folk just trying to talk about things they enjoy!

So. Let’s all have a little chat about what consent culture is and means, what it isn’t, and what any given individual’s responsibilities are in a consent culture.

Being in a consent culture means not *doing things* to other people without their consent; touch, sharing information about them, in my community’s context hypnotizing them or using/attempting to use triggers on them… things like that. It also includes giving people space where they can feel comfortable disagreeing, saying ‘no’ to requests, and so on. Respecting other people’s boundaries, and not always demanding their time and energy. It involves making a good faith effort to respect not only the letter of the rules, but the *spirit* of the rules in a space, as well.

It is not, however, shutting down anything that causes anyone in the space discomfort. We’re all adults here, as this is a kink space. As adults, we SHOULD be able to handle a little discomfort. And if something is truly upsetting to you? You can ask something like “hey, can we change the topic,” of course, but if the others don’t want to? Or, if, say, you’re in a public play space and someone is doing a scene you don’t like? That’s when the rule of two feet comes in.

For those who are unfamiliar with the rule/law of two feet, it’s a concept taken from a meeting style called “open spaces” - and loosely what unconferences are based around.

A businessman named Harrison Owen, involved in spaces that promote this philosophy, sums it up thusly:

“Briefly stated, this law says that every individual has two feet, and must be prepared to use them. Responsibility for a successful outcome in any Open Space Event resides with exactly one person—each participant. Individuals can make a difference and must make a difference. If that is not true in a given situation, they, and they alone, must take responsibility to use their two feet, and move to a new place where they can make a difference.”

What does that mean in kink spaces? Well, it’s less about productivity/making a difference, and more about finding the right comfort level. Is a class covering topics that you don’t enjoy? Or is the demo a bit more graphic than you’d like to see? Step out (whether for a moment or the rest of the class) and get some air, going back in later if you want to see if they’ve moved to something you find more comfortable. People talking about a kink that you find squicky or that triggers negative emotions? Walk away for a bit, or stop reading the channel. On places like here, on tumblr, mute a tag/word. Let people enjoy the thing and rejoin them when the topic changes.

Because that’s your responsibility in a consent culture - advocating for your own comfort *in a way that lets people enjoy the things they enjoy.* Sometimes that means you miss out on time with people you like, yes. But it’s better than making people dislike you because you keep telling them that they can’t engage with something they enjoy!

Also? Because it bears calling out, though it’s a bit tangential here? Disgust is not and never will be a gauge of immorality or unethical behaviour. Plenty of people are disgusted by the concept of rape play - but that doesn’t mean that consenting adults engaging in rape play are acting unethically. Some things are both disgusting AND unethical, of course - actual rape, for example! - but if your main reason for saying something is immoral or unethical is “it makes me uncomfortable” or “I find it disgusting”? Probe harder and consider that your aversion may just be distaste, and it isn’t a moral judgement.

Bystander consent is a different topic for another day, mostly, but I do want to note - it tends to come into play when the Rule of 2 Feet doesn’t really work, such as in places of business where employees cannot walk away.

I also want to take a moment to discuss the distinction between consent and having boundaries.

Consent is about things being done to or by you; boundaries are about other people’s actions that are not directly involving you.

So “don’t pull my hair” is a consent line. “Don’t talk about X around me or I’ll stop interacting with you” is a boundary.

“Don’t talk about X around me” without a consequence is just a rule, and outside of power exchange dynamics where the ability to give rules is negotiated? Rules in relationships typically just breed resentment.  But also, if you disagree with a boundary someone is trying to draw for you, and you’re willing to bear the consequences? That *is not* a consent violation. That isn’t what consent is for. Having said that, a violation is a violation - whether a violation of boundaries or of consent - and either can hurt just as much as the other.

And claiming otherwise? Is weaponizing consent culture to manipulate people, whether intentionally or not. And we all need to do better than that.

#hypnokink #consent culture #Theory post

[savethelastdan]

ok the love scene in rwrb was good, y'all were right

#“who's doing what” an excellent question!! we love that he felt comfortable to bring it up!! #“make love” yeah we weren't even trying for enemies with benefits #it felt like the scene they put the most work into from a cinematography and direction standpoint and i respect that #intimacy does involve teamwork and mutual vulnerability and so so much trust #also the hands #gotta have hands when it comes to gay love scenes #rwrb #red white royal blue #consent culture #rwrb movie #rwrb spoilers

[peggy-sue-reads-a-book]

MERRY CONSENTMAS. Let’s talk about personal space/belongings. I’m thinking of kids particularly but this could apply to anyone.

Ok so you’re at someone’s house. You wouldn’t invite yourself into the primary bedroom to have a look around, right? It shouldn’t be different for kids’ room. That is also a safe, private, and personal space for somebody.

Just because the same child was super excited to show you their room and all their stuff last year doesn’t mean they feel the same way this year.

Honestly, adolescents are even more likely to be self conscious of their space and stuff than adults.

If there is a kid moping in a corner with a sketchbook, they don’t want to show you or explain why they’re drawing fanart of emo elves.

It’s going to feel extremely violating if you pick up that sketchbook and start turning pages. That’s not fun. If you are genuinely interested in their artwork or the book they’re reading, try asking a specific question. Remember, if someone is drawing or reading or playing a phone game at a big holiday event, they probably feel really weird and shy right now.

Food can also feel very personal. Idk, for adolescents, everything is personal. No one needs to justify being a vegetarian or gluten free or whatever. You’re smart, you get it.

Did you like being spoken of as if you and your siblings were a monolith of age and preferences? Of course not, especially when you were in middle school and thinking a lot about differentiation. There’s a big difference between asking the parent “Do your children ____” and asking the kids, “Do any of you guys _____”. I don’t care if it’s identical quadruplets, it goes a long way to show you see them as whole-ass people.

Teenagers are not going to think it’s cool if you try to act like their peer in any way shape or form. At best it comes off as immature and at worst is kinda creepy.

Say it’s a shared room. The younger child really wants to show you around. It’ll go a long way to ask their roommate before going in.

LAUNDRY. This is a normal thing to want to help with, and might be to totally fine. It might also be embarrassing for older kids.

Little kids too, especially around potty training. If someone needs help getting cleaned up, they might just want their parent.

When in doubt, ask “is this special to anyone?” before using something/sharing it with other kids.

Literally no one wants to hear your opinion on who’s sleeping with a lovie at what age.

I repeat. I do not care if there is a 17 year old with chest hair in this house wearing a blankie on his head like Linus from Peanuts. This Christmas, give the gift of minding your own.

And for the love of sweet baby Jesus, KNOCK.

#merry consentmas #personal boundaries #boundaries #relationship safety #christmas #kids #children #consent #consent culture #bodily autonomy

[campgender]

In this era of post-feminism, the utterly reasonable claim that women should be afforded sexual freedom – that they should be able to declare their desire loudly, to be perverse and lustful and up-for-it – slid into the more dubious insistence that women are and must be so. And something of this insistence – that in the name of sexual equality, women must hold their end up and be assertive, declamatory, unashamed – found its way into the affirmative and enthusiastic consent initiatives.

Critics then and now – Katie Roiphe and Laura Kipnis among them – have worried about the sexual timidity and fear conjured within consent culture. I’m arguing instead that the current consent rhetoric has taken something from post-feminism’s positioning of sexual uncertainty and fear as abject – from its framing of sexual hesitation as belonging to history. To be a contemporary and empowered sexual subject in consent culture, one has to be able to speak one’s desires out loud with confidence. Silence does not belong with us here; it belongs to the past and to the abject female subject of yore.

from Tomorrow Sex Will Be Good Again: Women and Desire in the Age of Consent by Katherine Angel

#tomorrow sex will be good again #katherine angel #rape culture #consent #consent culture #abjection #compulsory sexuality #quotes #s.a #image described #mac’s bookshelf #impurity culture

[rapeculturerealities]

Kitty Stryker to Release 'Ask Yourself: The Consent Culture Workbook' - XBIZ.com

Kitty Stryker's new book, “Ask Yourself: The Consent Culture Workbook,” will debut on June 2.

“Ask Yourself,” available on paperback and Kindle, is a how-to guide to help navigate the undercurrents of social influences while building an affirmative culture of consent to practice in everyday lives.

The title is a companion workbook to Stryker’s “Ask: Building Consent Culture,” inviting readers on a contemplative journey through 28 days of journaling over four weeks. The various sections explore “Introspection,” “Our Relationship to Each Other,” “Our Relationship to the Community” and “Reflection,” through discussions of sexuality, boundary violations, substance use, sexual assault, abuse, trauma and other topics.

Stryker called the book “a much-needed resource that addresses the nuanced dynamics of consent in our society, and hopefully sparks conversations about cultivating a more enlightened culture based on mutual respect and autonomy, which challenges the existing power structure that often rewards entitlement and overshadows individual agency.”

#ask yourself #Consent #Stryker #books #consent culture

[boku-no-anime-phase]

Consent in anime (a BNAP ramble)

Some light, nonspecific spoilers/discussion of events in Psychic Princess and Snow White with the Red Hair below 🚨

Others have talked about this before and probably better but this is MY blog and I'm gonna talk about what I want.

Consent is a tricky topic in an art form often geared towards people who are on the cusp of adulthood - and in a medium that has rightfully been criticized for being deeply sexist.

I want to explore this a little bit by comparing two shows whose main characters often find themselves in some kind of compromising or vulnerable situation - Snow White with the Red Hair and Psychic Princess.

Both of these shows see their main character getting put in dangerous situations where they are at risk of sexual violence. However, where Psychic Princess seems unsure about its relationship with these kinds of situations, or with the main character receiving attention with rape-y undertones, Snow White takes a firm stance on this behavior and says "absolutely not."

In Snow White, situations where our main character's agency is violated in some way are treated very seriously and never undercut with humor; the show takes care to reassure us that she gets clear of the bad situation and is safe from anything else that individual might try. When an ally crosses a boundary, even a small one, they apologize and give our girl space to determine when and if to trust them again.

As someone who underwent Girlhood, this felt deeply affirming to watch. With the way my boundaries have often been unimportant to others in my life, with all the ways my agency has been violated in big and small ways, it was very healing to watch a show where a girl was protected from that, and where people in her life took her boundaries very seriously.

It was also a relief to watch a show where non-consent was never excused or made to look like it was somehow funny or sexy.

This is one aspect of Psychic Princess that I felt fell short - in fact it was my least favorite aspect of the show.

Let me pause to say I don't think there's not a place for non-consent in media. Putting aside p*rn, where i feel the rules are different and things like noncon/dubcon can be explored more safely through the lens of kink, i think there definitely is a place for portraying it in other media.

However,, I think that to portray non-consent/dubious consent in media that, like anime, is marketed to and consumed by minors a lot of the time, without universally condemning it, is pretty irresponsible. Minors are developing their sense of what's sexy and appropriate and, I dunno, I think it's pretty dangerous to give them any reason to believe that they should be ok with that.

That's where I feel like Psychic Princess misstepped. While I do feel like most of the non-consent moments in the show were ultimately portrayed as bad, they were sometimes played for a laugh, or occasionally left the viewer with this sort of confused sense of whether we should be ok with that or not. The romantic interest got better about the boundaries pushing but he was still doing it when the show ended.

I thought it was nice that he seemed to be learning to respect the main character as an individual, and to not want to hurt her.

At the same time, I see a lot of people online sort of romanticizing these moments where the main character didn't have agency in a situation, just because they were seeing the pairing they want. Frankly it grosses me out 🙃

respect consent or perish. And stop putting dubcon/noncon in media for minors without being very explicit about how uncool it is.

#consent #consent culture #rape culture #anime analysis #feminism in anime #snow white with the red hair #psychic princess #tw rape #kink mention

[newsmutproject]

But - especially for women and queers - a pleasant sex life has never been a given. Hence both sex information and consent culture are even more political than they appear from the outside.

You can’t be any kind of queer, including genderqueer, and be afforded respect and safety across the board. So sex positivity - not popular culture’s “Wheee! Sex!” version, but the original definition, which I’ll boil down to “Sex is diverse and we all have the right to be ourselves sexually, presuming consent” - is key to addressing rape and non-consent. It is the overarching philosophy that states that our sexual desires are our own and can be engaged in, in an atmosphere of consent, any way we choose. Each of us deserves respect, and consensual sexual behavior should never be a source of shame.

-Carol Queen, in Ask: Building Consent Culture edited by Kitty Stryker

#Carol Queen #consent culture #sex positivity #changing the narratives

[lamajaoscura]

the pain gap - by rayne fisher-quann - internet princess

#rayne fisher quann #consent culture #ethics of romance

[mumblingsage]

Some people are generally down for polyam[orous] play as a couple but not as invested in it the way their polyam partner is. This has happened enough times that I ended up developing a new polyam label in session a couple of years ago: sushi-polyam. It comes from the fact that one of my husband's favorite meals is sushi. He seriously digs sushi. I like sushi just fine. But it's not a hardcore favorite and it's not on my mental rolodex of menus. If you ask me what I want for dinner I will probably say "tacos" but if you say "sushi sound okay?" I'm likely to say "Sure!" I have zero problem saying no to things I don't want. Sushi is delicious. I just don't crave it.

Faith Harper, Unfuck Your Intimacy

“Sushi-X” could be a great phrase generally for anything you like when it’s offered, but not enough to ask for it on your own. Overall I think our culture needs to develop a better vocabulary for “Yes”es that aren’t driven by deep desire or need, but aren’t begrudging either. I’m not sure about the exact terminology though because I am one of those who loves sushi. I guess I accept the “Sushi-X” term because it’s on offer, even though it’s not the term I would have used on my own. ;D

#Faith Harper #sex writing #consent culture #intimacy #quotes