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dokyccis · 4 months

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busy II | h. renjun

it’s been a while !! // part one here.

“sometimes i wonder when are you gonna stop humiliating yourself because of renjun.” yunjin says in a serious, but ironic tone.

it’s been 2 weeks since renjun left you all alone in your apartment. the way your boyfriend left coldly still gives you goosebumps and you feel like crying with the thought of him not loving you anymore.

you’re insecure about all that, you don’t wanna believe your thoughts but you feel like you need to. you need to face reality and accept the truth.

“i don’t humiliate myself.” yunjin chuckles sarcastically when you finally answer. “do i?” you genuinely ask.

“do we really have to answer?” it’s karina’s turn to say something. “that’s obvious, honey. you just need to open your eyes and see what’s going on.” she’s realistic.

maybe they’re right, you think to yourself.

those were 2 weeks of pure silence between you and renjun, he didn’t message you or call you to ask how you’ve been or just to say hi.

you feel like the feeling that used to be like fire burning in yours and renjun’s heart is now dying little by little, and you don’t want that. does renjun want that? you wonder.

you still remember the sweet thoughts you shared with renjun in silent and calm nights at your place, the atmosphere matching the way you two looked at each other and talked to each other so lovingly.

you believed that renjun was the one & only for you and would always be, but destiny stabbed you with it’s tricks.

“y/n, come on! you need to move on, y’know?” yunjin encourages you.

“it’s not like we broke up, yunjin. he just left and…” you pause. “god, i sincerely don’t know what’s going on with renjun.” you sigh deeply and hide your face in your hands.

“he’s just an ass.” karina says, making yunjin laugh and being contaminated by the red haired girl.

you laugh along with your friends, trying to shrug the pain off. it’s like you lost a significant part of you, like your heart has a big hole that’s just filled up with renjun’s presence.

you’re afraid renjun just played with you all this time, but you also can’t believe that. his sweet words, delicate touch and innocent gaze leads you to think the otherwise.

you can’t imagine your life without renjun, your mind and heart refuses to even think of the possibility. you gave your whole self to renjun, dedicating each special part of you to him.

“he may be an asshole, but i still miss him.” you reveal.

“we know that, hun’.” yunjin says, ceasing her laugh. “it’s kind of normal to miss him, though. look what you’ve created within these past 3 years, you had a pretty admirable relationship with renjun, you two were like bee and honey.” she mocks, karina nods her head in agreement.

“it’s okay to miss him, babe, we’re not judging you for that. remember that we’re your best friends, we’re here to help you recover and stay safe over all of this.” karina smiles genuinely, and you can’t be happier to have friends like yours.

“thank you so much, you two.” you smile back, pulling your two best friends into a warm, comforting and loving hug.

a little bit wild, a little bit tamed

it’s the final line, isn’t it?

a little bit lost, a little bit saved

ain’t we all just a little bit hypocrite?

you sing along to your favorite song’s lyrics. all alone at home, you’re totally distracted by the song’s rhythm and melody, like nothing or anyone else could reach you in that moment.

the thin sound of your apartment’s bell leads you out of your own thoughts and immersion, echoing in your head until it gives you a minimum headache.

you get up from the couch, making your way to the front door to open it.

“who the fuck is bothering me this late?” you ask yourself, picking up the key standing in the little desk nearby the door. you open the door.

“hey, how can i help yo-” your body froze when you looked at the person standing in front of you.

it’s like you haven’t looked at renjun for a while, like you two spent 2 years without talking to each other. he looks devastated, and you feel sick with his presence.

you try to shut your door, but renjun doesn’t let you. “please, let’s talk.” he says in a calm and low tone.

your mind doesn’t wanna let him in, but your heart is weak for renjun and everything he does. if he wants something, then you’re giving it to him.

you sigh deeply, letting renjun in before shutting your door and following him to your couch.

you two sat there in silence. renjun was looking at his fingers, maybe thinking of what he could say to you. in the other side, you felt totally restless. your hands were sweating, your heart was beating fast and your vision started getting blurry.

renjun cleared his throat, gaining your attention. you look at him.

“i know i was very immature.” he assumed. “i’m sorry for that.” he looked at you, your gaze meeting.

you immediately look away, not handling keep eye contact with him. “that’s it?” you say without even thinking, the two words swimming out of your mouth.

renjun was taken aback by your response, you could sense the way atmosphere in the room got more tense than it already was.

“what… what do you mean?” he tilts his head towards you in confusion.

every word said by renjun made you feel more and more nervous, like your heart could explode at any moment. “i mean, you ghosted me for 2 weeks, you never explained me why you were acting like that…” you gain courage to look him in the eyes.

“i cannot accept your apology if you can’t explain me what’s happening.” you’re clear. renjun keeps looking at you, looking for answers in your eyes.

“i told you everything’s oka-” you cut him.

“it’s not okay, renjun!” you yell, getting up from the couch with an impulse. “you always say it’s okay, when it’s evidently not okay.” you burst, emphasizing the “not” in the phrase.

“y/n, calm do-” you cut him again.

“how can i calm down?! tell me, renjun! how the heck can i calm down? you didn’t contact me for 2 weeks, i cried everyday because i thought you didn’t love me,” you pause, sighing deeply before continuing. “and you want me to calm down?”

“look, if you came here just to bother the shit out of me, then leave.” your tone is heavy and serious. “i’m already too stressed and i really don’t wanna hear your stupid excuses anymo-” it’s renjun’s turn to cut you off.

“can you please hear me?” he speaks a little louder. “god, listen to me for once in your life!” he exclaims and you cross your arms, signing for him to continue.

“i’m sorry for ghosting you, i’m sorry for everything i did to you all this time.” he gets up from the couch, facing you. “i love you so much, y/n. you don’t even imagine how much it hurts to know that i made you feel like that.” he steps closer.

you feel your shoulders tense, your hands sweat again and your breath stop with him getting closer.

“y/n.” he takes you by the arm, hugging you tightly. “please, forgive me.” his voice is weak.

you feel the tears form in your eyes, threatening to fall and stain your whole face. renjun tightens up the hug even more when he noticed you didn’t answer him, wanting a minimum reaction from you.

“please, y/n.” he begs. “i know i messed up, i know i made stupid excuses, i know i should pay more attention to you.” renjun said, feeling the tears fall all over his face. “but please, stay.” he begs one more time.

you can’t control yourself, hugging renjun back and crying like a newborn baby in renjun’s arms. his whispered-apologies could still be heard by you, followed by his hands going to your hair and a kiss being deposited in your forehead.

“please, i’m so sorry. please forgive me, y/n.” he begs for the third time.

your heart melted over renjun’s broken tone. you couldn’t handle one more week away from him, so you didn’t think twice before saying:

“i forgive you, jun.”

renjun looked at you with wide eyes, a smiling growing in his face and lightening up his dark eyes. “a-are you serious?” he stuttered. you nod in agreement.

the boy hugs you again, but this time the embrace is filled with happiness and relief. you smile, your arms still wrapped around his body.

“thank you so much, y/n.” renjun thanks you. “i swear i’ll never do that again, i swear to god.” he says without letting go, making you feel safe in his arms after a long time feeling empty when hugging him.

you spend minutes hugging renjun, hearing him apologize to you more than he should and hearing him trying his best to convince you he would never do that again.

the love, affection and admiration that used to be like fire burning in your heart now feels like it again. your love battery with renjun is finally charging itself up after so much time.

you felt like you just returned home and you really don’t wanna ever leave again.

“renjun, we spent about 10 minutes hugging,” you point out. “i think we can pull away, can’t we?”

“let’s stay like this for a little longer, please.” he asks, burrying his face in your neck. you giggle with your boyfriend’s attitude, whispering sweet things and melting in the pleasure sensation that genuine touch gave you.

#— ✦ :: on your lin !! < 3 #lulu ★ing neo!#renjun x reader #renjun angst #renjun fluff #nct dream x reader #nct dream angst #nct dream fluff #nct x reader #nct angst #nct fluff

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linagram · 8 days

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[ linagram season 3 albums info ]

this post includes season 3 album covers, original song titles, s3 voice drama titles, cover songs, album, character and song trailer voicelines and song previews! so yeah, very long post! but i feel like it's probably better to have everything in one place..

i've planned to go with a completely original concept for season 3 album covers but.. drawing all that would take too long.. and drawing the designs alone was already too much work for me, so i went with season 1-like album covers bc i actually haven't made these before! i've still tried to make them more. "linacore" and instead of a black background, i tried to make them more colorful. i think they came out too colorful.. apologies if they look too eyestrain-y..

(also i really tried to make them more hd but my editing apps kept ruining the quality. so sorry.. maybe that will make analyzing them more interesting in some way..)

[ TRACK LIST ]

Miyagawa Akio.

01. [ Original song ] Experiment: Failed

02. [ Cover song ] Mosquito (Original by DECO*27)

03. [ Cover song ] Unfriendly Hater (Original by Meddmia)

04. [ MILGRAM Cover song ] All-knowing All-agony

05. [ Voice drama ] The Right-Hand Man's Betrayal

[ Creator's comments ]

IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO COME UP WITH A TITLE FOR HIS SONG I'VE LITERALLY TRIED EVERYTHING BUT ALL OF THEM SOUNDED TOO BORING.. i really wanted to have more fun with the song titles this time, so hopefully this one sounds cool.. okay, so his covers! literally all of them are about his relationship with arata, haha. COME ON UNFRIENDLY HATER IS LITERALLY THEM BEFORE THEY STARTED DATING. (or. "dating" as akio likes to say) mosquito is a much more angsty AND realistic take on their relationship ("in any case, in any case, you're the only one getting high", "the more we pursue one another, the more unsavory you become", "i'll die if i stop sucking from you, 'cause i'm a mosquito", "i wonder why it was so beautiful despite being so warped"). meanwhile akaa is like, the saddest one out of them all since in this case it's basically akio begging arata to stay with him, continue to praise him and call him a genius no matter what. i wish i could've given him something that could tell more about his relationship with chise too..

Hanasaki Aimi.

01. [ Original song ] Blooming Connection

02. [ Cover song ] Starlight Girl (Original by DECO*27)

03. [ Cover song ] XxX Cat (Original by Kikuo)

04. [ MILGRAM Cover song ] Deep Cover

05. [ Voice drama ] The End of All Friendships

[ Creator's comments ]

i think aimi's mv theme will be obvious, hehe. you won't have to think much about flower language and stuff like that tho, so don't worry. i really don't think i have to explain why i gave xxx cat to her, like. i think it's obvious jdkslsls (i also thought of maybe giving her bacterial contamination, but i changed my mind since even though the lyrics sound a lot like her, the aesthetic is.. not very aimicore). starlight girl was mostly given to her bc i thought it'd sound cute, but some lyrics do remind me of her and her relationship with her victim ("whispering that sweet lie, you disappeared", "but i still haven't been able to fill up this hole you left inside me"). was deep cover assigned to her only bc of the aimi (kotoko's va) pun?.. maybe. but no, no, i really do have a deeper reason for that! but for now, all i can say is. her relationship with miki and all other prisoners at the moment.

Ishizu Shun.

01. [ Original song ] ???

02. [ Cover song ] Zombies (Original by DECO*27)

03. [ Cover song ] Aishiteitanoni (Original by MARETU)

04. [ MILGRAM Cover song ] MeMe

05. [ Voice drama ] Loving Too Much, Remembering Too Little

[ Creator's comments ]

i honestly gave up while trying to think of a title for his song, so i think "???" perfectly describes shun's character and how tired i felt. if you need to know how it's supposed to be pronounced, i imagine it being something like "uhh..", showing how shun is confused 24/7. AND FINALLY HE'S OFFICIALLY GETTING A ZOMBIES COVER.. the reason why i went with zombies is bc shun just.. feels like a zombie to me. like the way he talks, how i imagine him moving, his color palette.. and also the imagery of his victims' dead bodies. like aww, he's drinking tea and eating cake while both his "ex-gf" and her new bf are dead <3 how cute.. i think his character trailer voiceline will really show how much the lines like "your body is cold even when we hug", "i love you, half-decomposed isn't bad", etc, fit him.. about aishiteitanoni, I DON'T THINK I HAVE TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING, IT'S PERFECT FOR HIM, I SCREAMED WHEN I SAW IT SHOW UP IN MY NOTIFS HSHAHSHSJS. meme is. meme. that's what a guilty verdict does to a guy. and yes, his vd's title is supposed to be a reference to his t1 vd :)

Chiba Naomi.

01. [ Original song ] Like An Adult

02. [ Cover song ] Miraise (Original by DECO*27)

03. [ Cover song ] It's Just Life (Original by nulut)

04. [ MILGRAM Cover song ] Double

05. [ Voice drama ] A Grown Up Child's Tantrum

[ Creator's comments ]

oh naomi.. if only it was easier to come up with song titles for you.. i was giggling while typing her vd's title tho LIKE YES NAOMI EMBRACE THE FACT THAT YOU WERE NEVER ABLE TO TRULY GROW UP!! her miraise cover is really up to interpretation, it can be both about her relationship with her mother and her trying to express her true feelings and make her mother listen, but it also can be about her relationship with tao ("you went before me, didn't you?", "how long do i have to wait? how long do i have to cry?", "i'm singing to the you that will be born after tomorrow") i felt like "it's just life" really fits her and her cover would sound very pretty and it's also just. sad. like naomi really is a smart and talented woman, she could have a bright future, she could have lots of friends, but.. she has way too many issues. and she can't accept that. HER DOUBLE COVER WOULD BE SO GOOD. THE INSTRUMENTAL WOULD MOSTLY BE THE SAME BUT HER VOICE WOULD STILL SOUND SOFT AND REALLY ANNOYED AT THE SAME TIME.. i get chills while thinking about her version of the scene where mikoto calls his mom..

Sanada Kei.

01. [ Original song ] Love=Pain

02. [ Cover song ] Rabbit Hole (Original by DECO*27)

03. [ Cover song ] Bad Honey Hunt (Original by Vell)

04. [ MILGRAM Cover song ] This Is How To Be In Love With You

05. [ Voice drama ] Rose-Tinted Misery

[ Creator's comments ]

his song title was originally supposed to be a pun on the theme of his mv, but it sounded kinda meh to me, so i just went with his main philosophy instead sjskslsl. (the reference to that pun is still there on the cover though) also nO I'VE DECIDED THAT RABBIT HOLE IS VERY KEICORE A LONG TIME AGO EVEN BEFORE THAT ANIMATION SIT DOWN I'M POINTING MY GUN AT YOU SIT DOWN!!!! thank you now i didn't just go with rabbit hole bc "haha funny horny song", it actually does fit kei's aesthetic very well and the lyrics sound a lot like him because rabbit hole always sounded very.. childish to me? like yes, it's supposed to sound all silly and playful, but kei's whole thing is that even though he claims he's so cool and mature and gets all the bitches, this guy still feels like he's younger than eiji (who is six years younger than him), unconsciously regresses to cope with whatever life throws at him and rarely takes dark, scary and tragic stuff seriously. it does reveal some stuff about his crime and his relationship with the victims too! ("you want me to repent? what can i say?", "little miss devotion, the exit's over there, oh, so not going home after all?") as for his other covers, BAD HONEY HUNT FITS HIM SO WELL. LOOK AT THE THUMBNAIL. COME ON THAT'S SO HIM. and the lyrics sound a lot like him as well! about him getting tihtbilwy.. that's him taking his rose-colored glasses on again and singing about how he sees his relationship with ruka :')

Yoshioka Eiko.

01. [ Original song ] Miss Grave Robber

02. [ Cover song ] Parasite (Original by DECO*27)

03. [ Cover song ] Getcha (Original by Giga and Kira)

04. [ MILGRAM Cover song ] Cat

05. [ Voice drama ] Funeral For The Alive

[ Creator's comments ]

EIKO IS OVER HERE GOING FULL SLAY MODE!!! i originally wanted the title to be smth like "grave robber-chan/san", since i prefer to use jp honorifics in my writing, but i felt like no honorifics would fit the song's vibe, so i went with good old "miss" instead. parasite fits eiko so well.. it describes her relationship with her victim perfectly.. the reason why i gave her cat is. well first of all IT WOULD SOUND REALLY COOL, but also, i actually don't see it as eiko singing about herself, i like to think that she's singing about takeru instead, making fun of him for lying to her and manipulating her ("lie until it gets better, follow the king of the masquerade", "victim and perpetrator, let's keep it simple", "i just wanted to ask, so it's out in the open, i just got a little greedy"). MY BRAIN EXPLODED WHEN I REALIZED HER COVER CAN BE INTERPRETED IN THAT WAY LIKE IMAGINE HER SINGING ABOUT HOW MUCH HE SUCKS WHILE STILL HAVING THE ORIGINAL INSTRUMENTAL. (also considering what he did to her, "let's take a breather" sounds very... sad) about her getting getcha. let's just. let her have her girlboss moment one last time.

Yano Asahi.

01. [ Original song ] Caterpillar's Cries

02. [ Cover song ] Hitojichi Koukan (Original by DECO*27)

03. [ Cover song ] Givuṛta (Original by Vell)

04. [ MILGRAM Cover song ] Umbilical

05. [ Voice drama ] The Taste of Abandonment

[ Creator's comments ]

we're getting another insect themed mv!! (though spider isn't really an insect but kei's t2 mv also had butterfly motifs so...) the caterpillar motif won't be that strong in asahi's mv description, but it will be there. i think i should draw him in his t3 mv outfit to show it better.. i think his hitojichi koukan cover would sound very cute and sad and the lyrics describe his relationship with satsuki so well.. ("no matter how much you love me, all i do is get itchy", "i can't drag you along so let's say goodbye", "after all, i want to make you my servant") YES ANOTHER VELL SONG I LOVE VELL'S SONGS OKAY they're so short but so catchy.. i feel like the voice that i imagine asahi to have would fit perfectly, like it'd sound so cute, but so punchable, like this kid goes "noooo, relationships are more important than money!!" and then literally the next lyrics are "money and personal connections make the world go round" 😭😭 but also, to be more serious, the lyrics are very asahicore!! ("naturally i always put myself first", "it's boring that people's desires never end", "in a nutshell i do that because it's funny to me", "that's a trust relationship! if it's not enough, you should buy it") about his umbilical cover... well. first of all, again, it'd sound cute! but also, um. considering the way his biological mom died, i thought that him getting this song would be very. ironic.

Maruyama Yurika.

01. [ Original song ] Secret Ingredient

02. [ Cover song ] Salamander (Original by DECO*27)

03. [ Cover song ] Binomi (Original by MARETU)

04. [ MILGRAM Cover song ] I Love You

05. [ Voice drama ] A Killer by Moonlight, A Maid by Daylight

[ Creator's comments ]

her voice drama's title is a sailor moon reference and her original song's title can be seen as a spongebob reference. i cannot take this woman seriously. but i actually like her mv's aesthetic a lot! i should definitely draw her in her t3 mv outfit one day.. (i say that even though i still haven't drawn her as that monster from her t2 mv. so sorry yurikers..) I HAD TO GIVE HER SALAMANDER OKAY!! I HAD TO!! it's literally perfect for one of the hunger prisoners, it's very yurikacore and the lyrics remind me a lot of her relationship with takame and just her personality in general. ("i surrender, i'm already hooked, i can't function without you anymore", "can i get seconds? one more time", "i'm already obsessed, is it doing super great?") love me some toxic spicy ramen yuri <3 binomi came out VERY recently and before that i was thinking of giving her eye by kanaria simply bc of the vibes, but maretu saved me once again 🙏 the hunger theme is so strong.. yurika deserves to cover all the cannibalism songs ever.. (fun fact yurika actually WAS supposed to be a cannibal but then i changed her crime. i think her current crime fits her better but still. we could've had a cannibal prisoner everyone) and again, i went with "i love you" bc 1) her relationship with takame and 2) i think there's something beautiful and horrifying about the concept of yurika feeding takame rats that she sees as a cake while also going "why can't i just do it right", considering the huge power imbalance they had with takame being older and being her boss and giving yurika literally everything she could've asked for and making yurika feel like she owes her in the process..

Kuroki Riku.

01. [ Original song ] Sun Sets, Games End

02. [ Cover song ] Undead Alice (Original by DECO*27)

03. [ Cover song ] Shinitagari (Original by Nashimoto-P)

04. [ MILGRAM Cover song ] It's Not My Fault

05. [ Voice drama ] Have a Breakdown, Call It a Show

[ Creator's comments ]

OH RIKU..... and also nope, riku's mv won't exactly have a video game theme, that's shun's thing, but the lyrics will reference them a few times. riku's mv is actually one of my favorites so hopefully you guys like it too.. he's my special little boy he always gets the best mvs.. (/j i don't have any faves sjsklssl but riku definitely always gets my creative juices going) i originally wanted undead alice to be his t2 cover but chimera is just so rikucore and i thought it'd go with his t2 mv really well, so i changed it though i still think that maybe chimera would be better as his t3 cover bc of the guilty verdict vibes chimera has.. so anyway undead alice is literally yueriku ("live by feeding on me, since you can’t go out like you want to", "i'm starting to hate the butterflies in my stomach, so please die before i kill you", "let’s bury this cowardly love here, let’s stop and forget all this, it’s better to hate since it's easier that way" AND BASICALLY THE WHOLE SONG). about shinitagari, i actually was planning to assign it to riku as a cover back when i first came up with him and riku's character even was kinda inspired by it! except shinitagari has a more positive meaning meanwhile riku took "wanna die? go ahead and die then" a bit too literally.. also yeah, he's the one who gets inmf this time. i imagine him making a rock cover of it too.. he surely took his guilty verdict well <3

Himura Reina.

01. [ Original song ] (Un) Forgivable

02. [ Cover song ] Fake Actor (Original by DECO*27)

03. [ Cover song ] Hello Dystopia (Original by Mafumafu)

04. [ MILGRAM Cover song ] Triage

05. [ Voice drama ] Accepting The Innocence (For Now)

[ Creator's comments ]

reina's album cover doesn't really have much to show but i think it actually fits her character a lot. also idk if it's that noticeable, but i tried to make her album cover more glitchy than the others. when it comes to her deco cover, i mostly went with it bc of her name meaning, but some lyrics are very reinacore (+ they remind me a lot of her relationship with her brother)! ("so please, shut up before i feel too embarrassed to speak to you again", "because no matter how many times you fool me with "i'm going to change," it'll just end all over again", "so let’s play the "whose fault is it game," the rules are rather hard, even for the winners") hello dystopia reminds me a lot of her character in general and i also just think she deserves to get at least one cover where she goes absolutely wild. fake actor and triage are just her being all sad but in hello dystopia she can go a little insane!! a little crazy even!!

[ Album Trailer Voicelines ]

Akio: "He continued to try to get the rope off his neck."

Aimi: "I'm just glad he's dead."

Shun: "Do I have to jog your memory, Guard 002-san?"

Naomi: "End my suffering, just like I've ended Tao's."

Kei: "Someone is planning to kill Eiji?"

Eiko: "He told me it wasn't even a big deal."

Asahi: "And after that, something.. changed."

Yurika: "Haha. You got me. Congrats."

Riku: "Come on, I was just.. bullying him a little."

Reina: "That stupid kid was obsessed with "saving" me."

[ Song Trailer Voicelines ]

Akio: "You don't have to be a genius like me to put all these things together."

Aimi: "You see me as a victim. A perfect and fragile victim."

Shun: "Are you implying that we never were a couple?"

Naomi: "Why would I be jealous of that brat?"

Kei: "The truth is kinda lame, honestly."

Eiko: "I will take good care of Shun, Kei and Yurika for you."

Asahi: "What did you just call me, Miki-nee?"

Yurika: "I-it's like.. s-she really.. loved me.."

Riku: "He's just another source of attention to me."

Reina: "I guess you could say this was my plan all along."

[ Song Previews ]

Akio:

"Solve the problem! You know the answer! Good job! I love you, love you, you can do it!

I can't concentrate with those words playing in my head!

Well, whatever, I know I'll get the best grade in loving you anyway

So keep looking at me, keep saying I'm a genius, please praise me once more"

Aimi:

"Come on, accept my gift, tell me you're grateful, tell me how thoughtful I am

Did I do great? Am I a good friend? I know I am, I know I am

"This flower reminds me of you" I'm the sweetest person you've ever met, right?

"Sorry, but I gotta go" Hey, what do you think you're doing?"

Shun:

"It's a crime for me to be in love, so I'll play it safe

No more heartbreaks, no more lying to myself

I'm ready to live a happy loveless life

So please, just forgive me already!"

Naomi:

"Your looks, your posture, your voice, your face

Everything about you is not mature enough

Don't laugh, don't cry, look them right in the eyes but not for too long

Go on, look at me, be honest with me, don't feel sorry for me, just like an adult would"

Kei:

"My love means nothing, if it doesn't make you cry

I don't want the kind of love that doesn't hurt me

"Play it safe"? Nah, that's not for me

Now can I get praised for being everyone's PERFECT lover?"

Eiko:

"Our love is dead, oh no, let us sing our prayers

Your lies were the only thing that kept me alive

Except I don't see your name on our grave, oh no, don't just leave me like this

Let's get buried next to each other, rotting together doesn't sound so bad"

Asahi:

""Stop, that's enough!" But it will never be enough

Sweet or sour, I don't care, I want everything I could never have

Even if it's rotten, even if it's broken, I just want to have something

Do you understand now? I live like I can die at any moment"

Yurika:

"What do you two think you're doing? Hey, hey, don't you know it's dangerous here?

Well, it's your fault now, shouldn't have taken a walk in the woods when it's this dark

What should we do with you? Should we tie you up? Should we cut off your limbs?

I bet you two taste like fear and betrayal, let me take a bite!"

Riku:

"Let's play until the sun goes down, let's play until we see the sky turn purple

That's what they want us to do anyway

Hey, are you having fun? Aren't you tired? Don't you wanna go home already?

"Nope, I'm just getting started!" Well, let me end everything here"

Reina:

"All of them? So guilty, guilty!

"You are innocent" Haha, no, I am innocence itself!

This kind of behavior is unforgivable?

Then why did you still forgive me?"

[ Character Trailer Voicelines ]

Akio: "Uh.. Good morning, I guess.. No, it doesn't hurt as much as before, thankfully.. Hey. Why did you.. I mean.. Of course, I'm glad you've finally realized I'm innocent, but.. How could you just.. change your mind like that? What did you see in my video? Did you.. feel bad for me?"

".. Arata. Arata, I don't think he's supposed to- ARATA, WHY IS HE STILL ALIVE?!"

Aimi: "Hello, Miki-chan!~.. Hm? What? I mean, we're friends, so it's only right for me to call you that, right? Ehehe, you're like, my only friend here.. Ah, Akio-kun.. He's good too, I guess. But he's not really struggling anymore, so.. I don't think he will continue to rely on me anymore. I don't think he.. still likes me."

"It's okay.. It's okay, Nii-san couldn't be wrong.. They deserve it. All of them."

Shun: "LEAVE ME ALONE! STOP- DID MY PARENTS SEND YOU TO ME?! I SWEAR, IF YOU EVEN LOOK AT MY... Huh? Where.. am I? Where's Hina?.. And where's Jouhei?.. O-oh, it's you.. No, no, it's okay, I remember now. Even though I really.. don't want to remember."

"Ehehe, I've slept well.. Hey, what do you two want for breakfast? Come on, don't be shy~"

Naomi: "I'M SORRY! I SAID I'M SORRY! PLEASE, MOM, I WILL DO ANYTHING, JUST DON'T.. Ah. It's you, Miki-san.. Hold on, where's Eiji-san?.. Well, I don't really care. So.. Guilty, huh.." *laughs* "I know I've said I'll be okay with any verdict, but.. How could you change your decision so quickly? Did you just remember how young my victim was?"

"When.. When will I finally be enough for her? Wait, is that.. Ah, whatever."

Kei: "Oh, Miki, it's you. And.. you're Hinode, right? Haha, I'm sure we'll have lots of fun together~.. Hey, is Eiji doing okay? This place doesn't have any doctors, so.. No, no, stop saying I'm kind. I'm just mad that I wasn't the one who has caused him so much pain. It's like someone stole a chance to show him more love from me.. Are you expecting me to thank you for saving me? Haha.. Dear, I know you're just playing with our lives as if we were your toys."

*crying* "Ruka.. I don't know why I did it.. It just.. It hurts so much.. C-can you hug me, please?"

Eiko: "Takeru.. Takeru, please.. Did I do something wrong- O-oh, it's you, Miki-chan. And.. Woah, this new guy sure is handsome!.. But I still miss Eiji-kun. Hey, he's gonna come back, right? He will be okay, right?.." *in a lower voice* "It was her, right?.. I'll have to make her pay for this."

"Thanks for helping, I guess. Wow, it's like you have a lot of experience with this stuff.. Hey. What do you guys even do?"

Asahi: "A-ah, it's you, Miki-nee.. A-and who are you? Ugh, I just hope that he treats you better than Eiji-nii did.. Oh, I'm doing great! I mean, you forgave me again and all. Um.. I kinda miss Eiji-nii's cooking though. There's no point in trying to steal the guilty guys' food now.. Hm? S-shut up, I'm not fucking scared of them!"

"I'M SORRY! I JUST- I WAS SO AFRAID, I THOUGHT SHE- I THOUGHT SHE DOESN'T LOVE ME ANYMORE! PLEASE, LET ME STAY!"

Yurika: ".. I'm going to kill you. All three of you. And all the prisoners here. I hate you all. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I HATE YOU SO-.. Oh, it's you. What do you want from me? I know the third trial is starting, you don't have to tell me anything. Just leave already. Stop looking at me like that! If you don't leave, I will do what I promised to do to those two."

"We're finally done.. I won't have to deal with them anymore, I'm so happy.. U-uh, you're not mad at me, right?"

Riku: ".. What do you want? Ugh, I still feel sick.. I don't want to talk to you. And you, especially.. Hey, do you feel proud of yourself, Miki? Didn't you say that "your forgiveness has its limits"? You're sooooo cool for voting me guilty. That was sooooo unexpected. You may have used that thing on me, but I still remember what you said. And I'm still mad."

"Come on. You knew it was me." *laughs* "Now.. Won't you do all of us a favor and die already?"

Reina: "Well, well, well. I got voted innocent. Again. What a surprise." *sighs* "When will this end, Miki? When will it end? It feels like my own personal hell at this point. And I agree that I should be punished, but.. Not like this. Come on. Would you want to be forgiven for killing your own little brother? If that's so, then you are truly heartless-"

"Please, leave. I don't want to talk about it. It was my fault. My fault, my fault, my fault, my fault, my f-"

#👑prisoner 001: miyagawa akio👑#🌸prisoner 002: hanasaki aimi🌸#💔prisoner 003: ishizu shun 💔#🌿prisoner 004: chiba naomi🌿#🍓prisoner 005: sanada kei 🍓#💎prisoner 006: yoshioka eiko💎#🍬prisoner 007: yano asahi 🍬#🎀prisoner 008: maruyama yurika 🎀#🎸prisoner 009: kuroki riku 🎸#🎭prisoner 010: himura reina🎭#milgram #milgram oc #milgram project #ocgram

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rarephloxes · 8 months

Text

A Feeling So Peculiar

Elain Appreciation Week, day 7 - Free Day

Hi friends! Long time no see:))))

I've been extra busy with life and med school, but this fic has been brewing for some time now, and what better moment than @elainarcheronweek to share it? This is part 1 of what I endearingly call the Healer!Elain story. It's officially my first fic with a Taylor lyric as a title and I'm very proud!!!

Anyway, here is this fucking thing <3

(1)

A ghost slides through the flaps of a tent into its cold, vacant interior.

The space is cramped, a rough bed of furs, a small table filled with piles of heavy tomes, ink-splattered journals, and clothing. The heavy smell of mold, grass, and candle wax permeates the air, almost tangible like dust through a shaft of yellow light.

There’s a slight tremble to the hands which reach for the half-burned candles sitting sadly on the far end of the table, lighting them with slow, feeble movements, the only survivors of a dreadful day.

Hands that are not blue and translucent, but pale and corporeal, numbed from the cold but filled with blood.

The ghost doesn’t contemplate any of it, set in her chore. There are things to be done, still. It is night and she’s gone inside. Yet it repeats, a loop inside her mind, there are things to be done.

A swoosh of breath sparks a coal-smudged piece of timber which quickly develops into a sickly fire. It barely warms the minute space. It’s necessary, nevertheless. Like her, it does its job.

Tent.

Light.

Wash.

Lay.

A book with its spine cracked allows a weary mirror to lean on it, a lonely figure moving through it. The specter in the mirror finds a copper bowl, frigid water inside, a ring of humidity staining the book cover used as its resting place. A smudge of soft pink and crimson reflects on the rust-speckled surface. A braid of what used to be bright brown hair lays limp on a tired, curved spine, brown eyes with deep purple half-moons underneath - the only hint of color on once flushed features.

Her face remains impassive as her hands dip a cloth beneath the icy surface tinting the water brown.

The amount is insufficient to wash away the grime and blood of the day, but Elain will not leave her tolerably cold tent for more, so she makes do.

Alone she lingers in her chair, the only creature inside, water dripping from her hands and drawing patterns in the dirt powdering her arms.

An image intrudes her mind, for a few seconds. Warm tan hands bringing a deep bucket of water they would heat themselves with a careful touch. She thinks of the thankful smile she’d give for it. She wonders, the thought whispered like a swish of butterfly wings, of what his face would say as he cares for her. Maybe his scar would reflect firelight just so, and she would forget where she is and allow herself to blush. She welcomes it, for the minute it sparks until the next when it fizzles.

As predicted, the water is only enough for her arms and face. Once, the disgust alone would be a reason to risk outside, maybe dare the nearby stream, or else sleep would escape her stench, running away with a hand plugging its nose.

Elain plops down on her pallet, fur covers warming her body, her tight muscles consoled by the rough structure beneath. It is in no way comfortable, only it’s reliable and quiet. One of the best tents in their camp, the one privilege the High Lady’s sister has, if only because it is the only one to be had.

Most importantly, it doesn’t die or spray contaminated blood into her face. It does its job as it is, with all its faults. It stays still through the night and belongs to her.

There’s sleep to be had. Poor, fitful sleep. But it does its job as it is.

Tomorrow, she knows, she’ll immerse herself in the unforgiving cold from the stream, and a faerie will emerge, dress, and present herself to her duties at the main healer’s tent.

There’s always work to be done.

(2)

The first time Elain sees a healer, there’s a woman screaming. Loud, painful bellows that have harried maids coming in and out of heavy wooden doors with buckets of steaming water, clean and in turn, bloody towels. Nesta holds her shoulders, small fingers digging absently into Elain’s clavicles through her pink cotton nightgown. Barely a year older than Elain, yet she sees such wisdom in her eldest sister’s eyes, as if Nesta knows all the secrets of the universe at the soft age of 7. There’s no place in Archeron Hall Nesta could go where Elain wouldn’t follow. They’re supposed to be asleep, but there are no dreams to be had during a storm like the one that has been pouring down, soaking the garden soil into swimming pools for frogs and threatening to bring down even the wisest and sturdiest of oak trees.

Soon, there will be a deafening quiet, quickly followed by a babe’s booming cries. Elain thinks it just like the noise that sounds right before one of her father’s ships is about to leave the shore, taking fairy dust and bright-colored jewels to the continent, where they will be sold to queens and wizards. She knows it because Nesta is always explaining the world around them to her.

It’s Feyre, born in the bleak hours of the night, lighting tearing down the sky like a claw through silk.

Their governess catches them, huddled by an alcove, spying on the birth of the smallest of them as if they are as inconspicuous as flies on a wall.

“Come,” she demands, a small smile on the tough line of her lips, “Your sister awaits you.”

It’s the only time a healer was the bringer of fortune and good news.

(3)

Madja had her fingers pressed around Elain’s wrist.

The ancient healer’s brown eyes were focused on the time counter ticking on the wall, steady knobby knuckles cradling Elain’s palm.

If Elain had feeling in any part of her body, if even a single inch of soft, hollow skin wasn’t as numb as a reflective glacier tip, she would have been able to feel her own heartbeat fighting against the High Lord’s favored healer’s fingertips. Her wooden eyes, however, remain filmy, like coffee sat still cooling outside for too long.

The bedding should have been the downiest she ever felt, the warm hug of a thousand sheep who only survive in the mountain range closest to Dawn Court. Called Woolen Peaks, because during spring one would be hard-pressed to find a stretch of land free of the bleating creatures, also known for secreting iridescent mucus from their blue snouts. A sea of endless white.

Elain should’ve loved to have known that, should’ve giggled, and maybe even requested to see such charming animals.

Once, she might have.

There were no sounds in the bed chamber but those of instruments being enclosed in a lovingly used leather bag, which promptly vanished into the fold between worlds for later use.

“I believe tea is in order” Madja said in the rough monotone of age, voice traveling through the air, her gaze watchful like a wise tree, leading Nesta and Feyre to exit the sunlit room.

Elain was profoundly grateful for the silence, the stillness of her mind, her whole being stripped down to understanding the heat around her, registering the passage of time solely through decoding the illumination, no previous knowledge guiding her thoughts, images of old folded into drawers, only an amalgam of threads in her mind, the fear to pull at any of them curbed, until any will was pressed so flat it vanished into particles. The effort, like stopping water with a barrage of hands, to tune out rhythmic drumming in her ears.

There were the dreams, of course. Sad. Unavoidable. Drenched in foreign sentiments that left her dizzy and breathless, trembling through the aftershocks of a rumbling earth no one else seemed to notice. Those came and scrambled her meticulous system of calmness. Elain, in her excruciating bouts of clarity, hated them with a strength her strange body found unfamiliar, hated how they made Nesta look as though she was watching a duckling swim into a waterfall through a looking glass. How they made Feyre’s face contort into hopelessness.

Hated how they made her see.

Those are not mine; she’d plead silently on particularly violent nights; I would know, I once would have known.

Elain closed her eyes and searched for the wall of dark swirling steel delimitating her mind. The ivy branches were nearly covering every inch of cold metal now, blooming in sleepiness. Her closed lids allowed the sun breaching the skin to paint her vision a newly comforting shade of red.

Red had always been Nesta’s color. Nesta’s dresses, Nesta’s fire, Nesta’s anger. Or the insubstantial maroon of the fire in her family’s frozen cottage, the violent crimson of the carcasses Feyre brought home. Those had never awakened thoughts of safety before. Protection, maybe, like a cage made of thorns and spikes. But never the safety of a hearth, of burgundy crackling fire.

Now, when her thoughts gently explored the unknown paths in her mind, red would forge itself into crisp Autumn leaves. Bergamots and warm skin

Elain buried herself deeper into the covers.

She left before contemplating any of it.

⠀

(4)

There is a house on a land that is surrounded by ivy-covered iron walls.

A wrap-around porch cracked open by vicious thorns that sprout from the ground, the rotten wood gouged open, foliage like teardrops on every crack, splinters shimmering on air, spores in the wind.

A felled roof, with a mighty willow trunk through it - a stab wound on a soft, white underbelly - warms the rain inside in a mother’s embrace, a shroud of dark green moss slipping from the gable into the stillness inside

The front door is open, a beckoning hand of wispy white smoke so thin one wouldn’t be sure whether it is only a trick of the pressing nebulous light.

If a breeze like the grey finger of an ancient hand were to curl around it and move the hinges in a half-moon motion, a woman would be seen on the inside.

She is tucked upon herself, sleeping on disintegrating wool and dye, the remnants of a beautiful rug. The slope of her waist breathes up and down like the rolling of a hill.

The room around her is filled to the brim, clocks covering an entire wall, some pointers spinning madly onto themselves, some turning with the patience of a grandfather reading a book to his lineage.

Rain, it reads on the chipped blue label of a numberless clock, a hand circling in a rhythmic tick, a mass of angry black clouds where midnight should be, the drawings changing around the wheel from April showers to jolly drizzle.

There are rusty gardening tools beneath a boarded-up window and opened sacks of humus bleed into the abandoned floors. Unnervingly arranged dead seeds form a stream towards the shadow beneath a hand-painted chest of drawers.

An open portmanteau rests on the wall framed by rays of moribund light squeezing through rickety walls; lavish ragged dresses and dusty stuffed bunnies swimming within; pink baby shoes and over-washed underskirts having a tea party at the bottom.

Lined-up novels on bookshelves lay on top of each other in the comfort of touch, interspaced with torn childish letters in alphabetic order. A tiny cloak made of velvet hangs on a chair as if a visitor dropped by for tea.

A precarious chandelier hovers watchfully over the lonely sleeping woman, unsafe chain links repaired with strong white threads that spread unevenly on the whole ceiling.

Guarded by an unnatural radius of clean floor, a white gown lies.

Sewn to perfection, beaded with gleaming pearls and the most delicate of laces. Impeccable seams, regal lines.

A dress made mindful of love, of promise. A dress fit for a future princess.

A rumble of thunder shakes the house as the pointer in the blue clock approaches woeful clouds.

Next to it, a black clock with eight bent lines shooting from the sides of its mechanism box moves from sleepy lids to the daunting indication of bug wide eyes in a resounding clang.

Come see, flurry black bodies with milky white eyes descend on long lines of silk hanging from the ceiling. Siblings, mothers, and children crawl over the mold, spidery legs fortifying supporting beams, the walls, covering memories in a shield of white.

Come see come see come see come see

I do not wish to open my eyes; she mumbles.

I do not wish; she rolls to her side; her nightgown catching in the shards beneath.

I do not want; she covers her face with a feeble palm.

I do not feel; she insists.

You must, the wind howls, rattles her clothes, scrapes down her skin. Your house is dying.

The hearth coughs soot, black and filthy like a diseased lung.

I do not see; she screams, eyes sewn shut, tears fighting to slip through the sutures, cracked fingernails pulling at the roots of her hair, weeds from soil. I am no longer this body.

The unstoppable hand of time reaches midnight.

Storm water slides down the walls in a furious current, washing away the grime and dislodging all the clocks. Those crack and splash onto the rising puddles on the floor with various clangs, cuckoos flailing madly in their springs before falling into final silence.

The bookshelf cracks under a stretch of ceiling that collapses, books losing themselves from each other, weeping in their solitude as they drown in now waist-deep water, loose papers with family drawings (Mum, Dad, Nesta, Me, and Feyre) soften and rip, the colors bleeding and blending into undistinguished blobs of ink.

Seeds of all shapes twirl wildly in whirlpools, and a window box of dead flowers floats aimlessly in the chaos. In the aquatic graveyard beneath them lays a dress of snow, pulled until it is trapped below the floorboards; a bunny covers itself in an old velvet cloak, lingering tragically hopeful underneath the hand-painted dresser.

Cobwebs are unwoven by each violent raindrop, supporting beams breaking like bones.

The woman stands limply in the midst of it all, eyes unseeing, unaware of the fatal torrent around her.

There is a cause to her silence, just as there is a cause to a collapsed house.

I am made of fear, she mulls under the debris, quiet in the wreckage, silent in the aftermath

There’s nothing else for me but forever.

(5)

The House of Wind’s library was the biggest private collection Elain had ever seen. Rows upon rows of carefully curated stories, some ancient with cracking leather covers, tell-tale signs of use staining the spines, dented with the accumulated pressure of readers’ hands. Other books seemed new, the residual smell of press machine oil and ink lingering on the pages, spines unbroken.

Nesta had smuggled romance books from their old village’s dusty bookstore for years, kept them below a loose floorboard in their cottage, discreetly wrapping them in old, moth-eaten clothes to prevent damage. Nesta had cherished those books, had wished for them, and would come into a nasty mood when it was time to return them to the store to avoid the wrath of a deceived salesman with the law by his side.

Old habits die hard, Elain discerned, as her sister slipped a pocket-sized, pink-covered booklet into the folds of her dress. Even with permission to own the piece, Nesta still chose to take it for herself like a criminal. Never conceding, never compromising.

Elain eyes remained unmoving while she made her inspections, the unbending lids to the husk which sheltered her thoughts. She had been counting the organized shelves, internally categorizing books within her eyesight.

83 with single-worded titles, 6 – 12 letters.

102 with double-worded titles, the first being predominately articles.

329 with three words in the title, a maximum of 27 letters.

A small fold in her brow flattened into the clear glass of her forehead, all the muscles in Elain’s face relaxing as the shallowness of her research settled her bones.

Elain was perched on the window’s nook, manufactured lightness to her sentience, while Nesta was lounging straight-backed on a velvet armchair, both hawk-eyed towards their worries. Biscuits grew stale and tea turned cold in gleaming silver trays between them.

There was one volume, Elain noticed, with undisguised and not yet restrained annoyance, which clashed horribly with her elegant system of grouping books by minimalist names. There’s control in succinct titles. There’s calmness in brevity. No space for subterfuge, for mazes or threads leading to somebody else’s memories, eyes not of her own.

A raging woman made of flame, screaming screaming screaming-

One blink of cavern-like pupils.

514 publications with respectable construction.

Not that one, though.

Norton’s Concise Manual for Swift Diagnosis and Treatment of Battlefield Injuries

First, it blatantly lied. There was no brevity of title or length, the heavy-looking tome glaringly thicker than a closed fist. A deceiving book. Elain’s head moved to the side, instinctually, the skin of her neck folding into the unpracticed movement.

A deception not even attempting to remain cloaked. What a disagreeable structure.

No balance, no harmonious restraint.

11 words in the name, what indisputable distaste.

70 letters made tiny to fit into its obnoxious shelf back.

Elain wanted it gone.

(6)

The guest room was soft, like the lingering feel of worn leather.

There was light everywhere, reflecting from mirrors and vanity vials, bleaching the dark wood floors. It created the most delightful shapes under her eyelids if she gazed out the window just right.

Incandescent.

Perfectly blinding.

Elain could stay inside all day, motionless above uncreased bed linens.

Frozen in the armchair with a book resting in peace on her lap.

Unless, of course, it was night.

There was nothing uncovered beneath revealing starlight.

No cave, no shelter, only the stoic awareness of a seasick mind.

Melting snow; ethereal crestfallen swans; the breakage of a woman who would have never begged; a lake so deep it is bottomless.

Bottomless black eyes, all-seeing, swirling, a current so strong it is the hands that push you down, down into the whispering voice that loves you while killing you.

The shards of porcelain on the floor were still beautiful, if only someone mended them.

Elain grabbed each one and placed them delicately on a tray, using a finely made doily to sweep the warm tea spilled on the floor

She padded slowly down the stairs, nightgown dragging around her feet.

Broken china rested on the kitchen countertop, Nuala would take care of it, see to it with the loving touch of an artisan who was ageless and immortal.

Elain reached for the multicolored leaves inside a mason jar under the window, setting them inside the copper pan with boiling water over the stovetop.

Only her hands, if she blinked, started to wither with age, and a black box of fury appeared between them-

The coolness of the counter beneath her young, translucent fingers.

Her mind stalled for half a second, hesitating, unsure, then searched until it found it.

Anger for the unpalatable book.

Elain had something to do.

⠀ ོ ⠀ ོ ⠀ ོ ⠀ ོ

Libraries are known for their solitude. A place for reflection, for diving deep between words, for biting into a book and spitting out a seed-shaped thought.

Elain walked barefoot on the soft expensive carpet beneath her feet. Sangravah patterns, she noted, not quite sure of how she had known so.

The book still stood where it always had, after Navigation for Beginners (3 words, 23 letters). It was just… there. Like its existence wasn’t a disrespect to the Mother herself.

Her eyes narrowed and her nostrils flared, clumsy and irritated hands grabbed the dark blue cover and, unprepared for its weight, let it fall with a muted thud.

The pages fell open, a warm invitation, into the carefully drawn figure of a lacerated spleen. ( when the pages fell open, her eyes couldn’t help but see)

Mindful of the spleen’s vascularization, a Concentric Mending Spell (page 278) must be placed using the middle, ring and little finger, pinpointing the magic into the gash and closing it quickly thus avoiding fatal hemorrhagic shock. The healer’s pointer finger and thumb must only locate the laceration, while the palm concentrates the spell, and the latter three fingers expel it. Previous use of whole-hand magic in repairing interior cuts has led to unwanted tissue adherence and is advised against when in treatment of internal organ damage (see Index for Whole-Hand Magic).

Elain blinked once, then twice.

Smoothness replaced the furrow in her brows and with a short tilt of her head, Elain brushed back her golden curtain of hair with an absent hand as she ran the pad of a curious finger along the lines, her knees completely pressed down on the rug.

Those instructions sounded nothing like the healing she had experienced from Madja.

The ancient fae had only felt her, placing her palms on either side of her head or using unfamiliar copper tools to measure some information she deemed important but escaped Elain’s logic. Madja had moved her hands over Elain’s body as she had once seen a Child of the Blessed do over a clear glass orb during a town square fair.

A quiet, expanding bubble of pressure grew from the pit of Elain’s belly until it lay underneath her skin, soft light shimmering behind once dulled, wooden eyes.

The intricate directives from the book were precise and sure, based on wisely curated knowledge and the pure need to guide those who could be good to others. Save them, even.

Elain held the book kindly in her hands, resting it on her arms as she skittered over to her room in fastened steps so as not to attract unwanted attention.

Under the shy rising sun of the following morning, a side lamp - a friend to a sleepless, captivated woman in a sunlit room – rested with its oil completely burnt.

(7)

The townhouse was empty when Elain woke up.

It wasn’t an unusual occurrence, most of the house’s occupants were busy, political figures with a multitude of urgent daily tasks.

Not that Elain was particularly aware.

She had been furtively reading every healing book she could get her hands on, and the more fascinated she became, the less she seemed to register the comings and goings of the routine around her.

She could barely help it, could she? It was an entire world she was becoming privy to. It had never occurred to her as a human to be curious about such things. In fact, she doubted anyone in the Human Lands had any notion of the delicacy and potency of Healing. The healers back home had to rely on herbs, cold or warm wet cloths, and wishful thinking to cure someone, if they were even able to achieve such a feat.

Not home anymore, she would think, instinctually, and remember the towering walls she longed to be housed within, of luxurious balls, of blue eyes so bright they were sapphires, of a simple band of iron on a delicate finger.

Elain turned to her books.

Mending charms, diagnostic spells, potions. Instruments with the most varied, peculiar purposes. Special needles could be used to draw blood, and expertly assembled lenses could reveal what lay within it. Armbands imbued with magic could indicate the strength of a patient’s blood pressure.

The body was made of such intricate systems, which worked together magnificently to perform delightful, orchestrated functions. She was mesmerized by all of it.

Elain had also taken to helping in the kitchens as well. Nesta and Feyre tended to worry and watch Elain much more closely whenever she stayed in her room too long, and it was exponentially harder to read what she wanted when they were around.

You shouldn’t concern yourself with these things, she feared they would say, the shadow of a winged male behind them. Maybe you should try reading something else, something with nicer pictures, or lighter stories to ease your mind.

Those kind words, seemingly thoughtful advice, and concern would dwindle her precious books one by one, and then she would have nothing again.

Elain hated it too, how they were always looking at her with disheartened gazes. Not only her sisters but of all the Inner Circle. They never understood anything of what she had to say, would never credit any of her thoughts. Even the fox twitched its nose and bent his head to the side with confusion - on the occasion his face wasn’t drenched in pain and longing.

But she had tried. She had told them of the changed woman with feathers set aflame. Warned them of the tempestuous owner of the onyx box, only for it to fall on seemingly deafened ears, her speech only another line added to Feyre’s forehead, another bolt of iron in Nesta’s spine, another worry for someone else had to deal with.

Only Elain could see, and for that, she remained invisible.

The dough flattened smoothly under the roller; Elain’s arms loosened into the motion. The floured surface of the worktable was crammed with little jars of sugar and jams, multipurpose cloths, and an open cookbook. She would finish her pastries, leave them resting on the windowsill then hurry upstairs. Hopefully, her sisters would see them and take much longer to search for her, allowing Elain to have the afternoon she was carefully crafting for herself.

With the soft ding of an egg-shaped time counter, Elain took out a tray of perfectly golden crusted squares and placed them on the cleared table.

There was, if she was honest, a soothing quality to baking. The gentleness of each step lulled her mind and made it easier for her to tune out external and internal frictions, focusing only on the motion of her body.

As she dried her hands in her apron, pastries gleaming with homemade poisonberry jam, Elain heard the soft padding of boots down the hallway, a slithering shadow curling around the doorframe and disappearing as quickly as it came.

With haste, she fled the kitchen and went to her room to find the singularity of calmness.

⠀ ོ ⠀ ོ ⠀ ོ ⠀ ོ

Dinner was a loud affair, as it always was, so Elain waited until they were all overtly satisfied and tipsy to approach her sister in the drawing room. The looming threat of war had yet to diminish the utter happiness Feyre’s return had on Rhysand and his friends.

Feyre was sprawled on the couch, the spot next to her newly vacated by a stumbling Mor, who had claimed the need for beauty sleep.

“How are you feeling today?” her sister asked, her long fingers dragging lovingly over Elain’s arm. A caress she is sure her sister would have never allowed herself to even try, if it weren’t for the drink-induced fog on her mind.

“Just fine,” Elain said, and then with the planned drop of her chin and the openness of seemingly unsure eyes, she continued “I was wondering if you could call for Madja again,”

Fey sat up in alarm, which could attract Nesta’s piercing, preoccupied gaze, so Elain hurried to add “She mentioned some sort of sleeping draught the last time, I believe I could make good use of it,”, watching the other side of the room with the corner of her eye to make sure Nesta was still in her hushed conversation with Amren.

“Oh,” Feyre visibly relaxed, and some of the tension harbored between Elain’s shoulder blades loosened. “Of course, I can send for her,” her youngest sister confirmed, and the tight fist of anxiety in Elain’s gut released its tight grip, replaced by tentative anticipation.

“I’m so glad you’re taking care of yourself.”

⠀ ོ ⠀ ོ ⠀ ོ ⠀ ོ

The calendar on the wall indicated the start of the weekend.

I believed it Monday still, Elain thought to herself.

She was sitting in the living room, having a late breakfast by the window.

An odd sight, the antonym of the barely acknowledged empty chair below early sunlight, collecting the friendly conversation around. There was no one else to notice so.

Feyre had told Elain the previous afternoon – while hurriedly moving down the hallway, rushing outside for some appointment she didn’t even consider explaining - that Madja would come to the townhouse at ten o’clock in the morning, and that she would try to join the appointment, but was unsure if she would be able to.

Nesta was, as she so often was those days, in Amren’s apartment, strengthening her magic. Elain thought she’d heard why that was but couldn’t remember.

Maybe a dream, then.

Distantly, something in Elain longed to also have that privilege. A tutor, someone to guide her in learning this well of uncharted territory inside, but that consideration was swiftly swept under a sodden rug.

A knock on the front door had Elain on her feet, shaking her head as if staving off an unseen fog.

It had been considerably hard, trying to maintain herself awake. She had reached and held so strongly to the absence of her mind that it had become nearly impossible to keep herself lucid on the rare occasions she had wanted to. There was a particularly interesting book on the history of Healing Magic, thankfully written in the common tongue – unlike a large part of the Medicinal Section in the library – that had Elain repeatedly dozing off, either proverbially or literally, in the same way, she had gladly done numerous times. Before it had been a welcoming state, the static of nothingness, but it was consuming her now in a way she hadn’t understood, glad as she had been for the reprieve from her life.

These epiphanies often came and went like waves. Sometimes she would allow the ships to go in with the high tide and return with small storytelling orbs of white light. Sometimes the boats would be swallowed whole by the tyrannical sea, drowned to the bottom until only a clear empty surface stretched on, the reflective glow of crystal spheres crushed in the sand below.

Now, she wanted something more.

There were things she wanted to know.

Madja stood on the front steps in her healer robes. The magic surrounding her was cool and soothing, the relaxing breeze on a perspired forehead. Elain wondered if the old fae is the type to enlighten a room simply by standing in it.

Elain ushered her into the already prepped sitting room, an open notebook, its pages organized in scribbles, sat on the arm of the host’s armchair.

“You seem to be in better spirits,” Madja began once they were both comfortable sitting, pleasantries exchanged. “But I was called in to see the need to prescribe sleep medication.”

“I asked my sister for your presence, yes” Elain stammered. “I have questions, and was hopeful you could aid me in finding the answers,”

Madja sipped her tea with steady hands and eyed Elain with a look she had seldomly encountered directed at her.

Interest.

“My time is yours, Lady Elain.”

The leather-bound notebook was humid from the sweat in her hands, some ingrained sense in her mind making the back on her neck pinprick and her knuckles curl as if afraid of a straight ruler.

“Well,” she breathed in once, then blinked. “In most medical texts, there are numerous examples and experiments on healing fae bodies. I found in one of Joseph Norton’s books many references to the need for quick healing, done with moderate care, and modest effectiveness rates yet high survival chances. Practices are much more rudimentary than the ones from Annabelle Rite’s manuals. She maintains through all her works the extreme need for balanced, methodical, time-consuming procedures, which allows her to utilize whole-hand magic with minimal side effects, and it seems so curious to me that she would even attempt to do so with so many predecessors discouraging it so deeply...”

She shook her head again, blushing – truthfully! - in a fashion she hadn’t for years,

“But I am unsure of why would fae people even need healing practices, if there are entire collections dedicated to explaining the varied ways in which the body heals itself, at higher rates than any other known species. Wouldn’t the spells muddle the body’s own magic? It sounds unnecessary, why isn’t it enough?”

Madja settled her teacup down and laid back further in her armchair, eyes crystalline and lips tugging at the side for an aged smile.

“It would depend on what sort of injury we’d be discussing. Internal bleeding, for instance, if small enough will be dealt with by the body’s own magic. It is noticeable in the evolution of hematomas, as they change colors as the blood is reabsorbed and the blood vessels are restored. Now, when internal bleeding comes from blunt trauma – falling from a high distance, for example - the body would not be effective in healing itself quickly enough. The simplest reason for that is, as much as some try to state otherwise, faeries aren’t perfect. The healer’s job, in this case, would be to work with the patient’s own natural healing magic, potentialize and organize it to ensure they would be able to regain all their functions. It can often, in presentation, be much more complicated. Norton’s protocols would be a particularly safe choice, seeing as they prioritize promptness, and in high-risk situations, those are inevitably what a healer with a multitude of variables to solve will likely tend towards.”

“A stab wound, on the other hand, is much more critical, and with hemorrhage comes the diminishing of the natural magic. Then, suturing charms or manual stitching might be required with the danger of losing the patient completely if not done in proper haste.

Rite’s protocols, I’ve found, are much more appropriate for long-term care. You seem to have read her book, so perhaps you may remember that most of her case studies and examples center around lasting injuries or chronic illnesses. I’ve seen impressive improvements in previously immobile limbs, once from almost permanently dormant to near full range motion from her Wavelength Spells.”

“Mind Injuries, which differ greatly from both, are perhaps the most elusive sort of healing. It tends to be intuitive, and it takes considerable skill to allow the healer’s magic to run unbound in the patient’s body without any harm, and an even greater amount to ensure recovery.”

“I would add that Faeries, High Fae or otherwise, tend to see themselves as infallible due to their perception of immortality, but healing magic and healers came from the tested and true knowledge that there is much frailty in being fae, to the utmost displeasure of the others of our kind. A healer’s job, as I’ve discovered, lies in giving them a second chance.”

“Oh,” Elain said still flushed, and resisted the urge to press her palms to her cheeks.

She could barely believe she had dragged this female from her prior, likely much more important engagements to come and explain to her the seemingly most logical and obvious concepts she had ever heard.

No wonder no one took her seriously if even with the amount of literature she had consumed in the past days (weeks? or months?) she couldn’t make sense of the most common of concepts.

How could she think— How delusional she must have been to even consider herself able to understand such a complex subject –

“Thank you, sorry for taking up so much of your time.” She made herself say, prying her stiff knuckles from her notebook, five crescent moon shapes on the once plain black leather cover. Her teacup clattered mortifyingly on its plate as she moved to pick it up, brown eyes irreflective.

“That was quite refreshing, Lady Elain. I haven’t had a chance to mull over healing in such a long time… Most of my protocols are so inherent to me, I find myself doing them instinctually.”

Elain wouldn’t learn this about herself for many years, but her ears twitched most daintily, disturbing some strands of her golden-brown hair.

“That is very kind.”

“There is a Healing Program here in Velaris if you find yourself with time. It is mostly lectures and debates. There is a selection process, but from what I gathered, you’ll have no problem enrolling.”

“I want,” she whispered, half dazed, teacup clutched tightly in her hands.

“If you believe I could… Yes, Ms. Madja, I want it.”

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

Thank you for reading! I would LOVE to know what you feel about it ;)

I'm working on part two, if you want to be tagged to find out what sort of crazy shit imma put my baby Elain through, let me know.

Special thanks from the bottom of my heart to @bittermuire and @sunlightsage for being the sweetest most supportive and most amazing beta readers I could have asked for! You mean the world to me :)

#elain week #elain archeron #elucien #if you squint #you guys i love this one ok #elain archeron fanfic #elucien fanfic #elucien fanfiction #acotar fic #ana writes #i went full nerd mode on this #elain archeron week

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thesandsofelsweyr · 11 months

Text

Sharing a few of my favorite songs for AK Jay relationship/smut writing, since that's what I've been working on recently. Feel free to share your faves with me as well!

(Sorry for the weirdness with the sizes of the lyrics text. Tumblr's editor is janky af.)

J. Cole - She's Mine Pt. 1

Every time you go to sleep you look like you in Heaven Plus the head game is stronger than a few Excedrin You shine just like the patent leather on my new 11's You read me like a book like I'm the Bible, you the Reverend Yeah, I wanna tell the truth to you I wanna talk about my days as a youth to you Exposing you to all my demons and the reasons I'm this way I would like to paint a picture, but it'll take more than a day It would take more than some years to get all over all my fears Preventing me from letting you see all of me perfectly clear The same wall that's stopping me from letting go and shedding tears From the lack of having father, and the passing of my peers While I'm too scared to expose myself It turns out, you know me better than I know myself Better than I know myself Well how 'bout that?

NIN - Closer

tbh, nearly every NIN song reminds me of AK Jay, heh

You make me perfect Help me become somebody else

I drink the honey Inside your hive You are the reason I stay alive

NIN - Reptile

I'm working on a fic based on this song 😏

Devils speak of the way in which she'll manifest Angels bleed from the tainted touch of my caress Need to contaminate, to alleviate this loneliness I now know the depths I reach are limitless

Lana Del Rey - Honeymoon

We both know The history of violence that surrounds you But I'm not scared There's nothing to lose now that I've found you

Lana Del Rey - Burning Desire

I drive fast, radio blares Have to touch myself to pretend you're there Your hands were on my hips, your name was on my lips Over, over again like my only prayer

Son Lux - You Don't Know Me

I feel you tracing my scars But you don't know me You don't know me at all I see you down on your knees But you don't own me

James Blake - Mile High

Don't know where you stop And where I begin

Doja Cat - Need to Know

Spank me, slap me, choke me, bite me

Kid Cudi - My Drug

My God, I need your light Babe, take me high up Feel you in my bones, controllin' me Yes, you're like a dream You and everything that you be

JVZEL - Circus Minimus

You and me can explode like Cirque du Soleil From the ceiling to the floor like Cirque du Soleil Watch my body hang all tied up and laced A cabaret, Cirque du Soleil Turn me upside down like Cirque du Soleil I want that wild, no, I'm not afraid I know it's dangerous, but with you I feel safe Let's go crazy, Cirque du Soleil

#sands speaks #songs for ak jay #my arkhamverse #arkhamverse #jason todd #arkham knight #red hood #jason todd x reader #arkham knight x reader #red hood x reader #jason todd smut #arkham knight smut #red hood smut #jason todd imagine #arkham knight imagine #red hood imagine #jason todd x you #arkham knight x you #red hood x you

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softtdaisy · 2 years

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hi baby!! once again congrats on 1k! may I have 🌷Sing me song: send me a song or a dialogue (or both) and I’ll write a blurb with peter parker and the lyrics your love is my drug 👀 ???

_your love is my drug

tasm!peter parker x fem!reader

based on: your love is my drug by Kesha

summary: peter can never get enough of you, not even a few hours after your last date

words: 740

a/n: I had so much fun with this but I’m not sure it was what you excepted love I’m so sorry 😭 thank you again I hope you will like it ♥️

join my secret garden for my 1k celebration 🌸

“Oh my god, Peter Parker, what the hell are you doing here!” you screamed with a low voice, a hand on your heart from the surprise of seeing him at your window.

It was 1 a.m. and you’ve been home for two hours now. Two hours since when you tried to sleep but couldn’t because your mind was overworking. The cause? Mister Peter Parker himself.

Thanks to summer break, you’ve been on dates with Peter almost every night these past weeks. Not that you were going to complain about spending that much time with your boyfriend. Sure, most of your dates ended up with him putting on his spiderman suit and disappearing. But at least, he kissed you in the street like other cute couples do before leaving and nothing could replace this.

Tonight, you couldn’t stop thinking about his lips on yours. It was almost like your mind didn’t want you to fall asleep to keep this memory alive. And as much as this memory was delightful, you really needed some hours of sleep. You decided to grab a drink before going back to sleep.

This was the moment you noticed your boyfriend at your window. Smiling like a pure idiot. Damn, you loved this idiot.

“I was missing you”, he said, climbing your window to enter your bedroom. You kept looking at him with confusion and amusement. You couldn’t believe he came back to your place, a few hours after you left each other. “A few hours and you already miss me Parker?” You frowned and before he answered, he shot his web to bring you to him. Something he loved to do. He can have you whenever he wanted.

“Peter!” You laughed, hitting his chest. “My parents are sleeping.” If there was one thing you feared every time Peter was coming over was to wake your parents up. They were the biggest fan of Peter already, so seeing in your bedroom at night wouldn’t help.

“You’re making the noise and I’m getting hit? That’s not fair.” He pouted. You took his face between your hands to kiss him. That’s all he needed to forget what you were talking about a few seconds ago. He put his hand around your waist to keep you glued to him. He slowly walked backwards until he ended up on your bed.

“You’re driving me crazy…” he whispered against your lips, his hand going up under your shirt. He was caressing your skin from the tips of his fingers, making you shiver. His lips went down on your neck and you closed your eyes, enjoying Peter’s touch without overthinking it. “I really think your love is my drug, [y/n]”

He looked at you and you missed the big smile he had on his face. Peter was deeply in love with you. He really considered consulting because you contaminated every single piece of his body. There was not a moment in the day when Peter wasn’t thinking about you.

“Is my love your drug, baby?” He asked you, kissing your neck again. He was going down on your chest, asking the same question after every kiss. You had too much fun not answering him, curious to see how far he was ready to go to get an answer. And Peter was a man who loved challenges so there was nothing that would stop until he got what he wanted.

“Are you going to answer me or I have to make you scream baby?” He put his chin at the bottom of your stomach, just a few centimeters away from your underwear. You finally opened your eyes to look at him and you laughed a little at the sigh. You brought a hand to his hair and tousled it.

“You’re one of a kind Peter. Of course you’re my drug.” You smiled and he came back face to face to finally kiss you. You could never get bored of his lips, no matter where they are on your body. Which made you think…”you can still do whatever you were going to do there.” You said, pointing a finger between your legs.

Too bad for your lack of sleep. When Peter was in your bed, there was no way you were going to rest peacefully. Maybe your relationship with Peter was similar to a drug. You could never get enough of it and you always felt high when he was with you.

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insanelyadd · 9 months

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If the song fits it fits, regardless of possible embarrassment. Anyway, lets hear what songs you put together, and what your reasons are!

Oh ho ho, you just gave me a chance to talk about music, hee hee hoo hoo.

Okay so I'll start with the playlist I made for the Collector, as a heads up note about all of these playlists, I am far from done, so while they're all short right now, I will be getting around to adding more.

Through Glass by Stone Sour -

'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass Don't know how much time has passed All I know is that it feels like forever When no one ever tells you that forever feels like home Sitting all alone inside your head How do you feel? That is the question But I forget you don't expect an easy answer When something like a soul becomes initialized And folded up like paper dolls and little notes You can't expect a bit of hope So while you're outside looking in Describing what you see Remember what you're staring at is me (...) How much is real? So much to question An epidemic of the mannequins Contaminating everything We thought came from the heart It never did right from the start Just listen to the noises (Null and void instead of voices) Before you tell yourself It's just a different scene Remember it's just different from what you've seen (...) And it's the stars The stars that shine for you And it's the stars The stars that lie to you, yeah-ah And it's the stars The stars that shine for you And it's the stars The stars that lie to you, yeah-ah

I cannot stress enough that these are the actual lyrics and I did not move them around or anything, all I did was remove the repeating verses/choruses. This song came out in 2006. An absolute shoe-in to be used in AMVs for this little guy except it's a rock song from 2006 and not an indie-pop song from the last five years and it's also not popular.

I was doing my usual thing like a week or two ago where I go through a bunch of songs I heard on the radio when I was in elementary school and as I was relistening to this song I felt like I had lost my mind. I remember relating to this song a lot when I was little kid because the song is about being lonely, and I think the Collector would relate to it too. More kids should listen to rock music from the 2000s because I am deluded* and think a lot of it is good. Music critics tremble before me when they try to say nu metal is bad and I just say "Nah".

(*Yes I do have psychosis and have delusions for realsies, I can use this word)

After this it's all under the cut because this post will end up being long because I fucking love talking about lyrics and the fun little picture shows my brain makes when I hear a song that fits a character. if you don't feel like reading the Archivists playlist discussion be happy knowing I summed all of them up in one picture:

No Lullaby by Siames -

What's the meaning when you have a broken home, home, home? Where's the love when you were left on your own? So alone

The most relevant lyrics in the song are the chorus because the verses on this song are super abstract, like more than their other songs that I've heard. Final lines of the song are the above lines but instead of "so alone" it says "Who says you're on your own?" which feels like how their arc concludes in the show.

All the Best by Siames -

Let's play pretend now Don't be afraid, no Stop being worried this could be the way We are what we made up Ready for a new start Follow your dreams no other way will be that great And I'll keep searching for all the best Picture yourself in a rocket and believe you can be anything you want The meaning of our actions feeds the power of attraction, let it flow Just let it flow It's right under our noses Going through our minds With passion and devotion (with passion and devotion) Your light can be our sun

I feel the lyrics here are pretty self-explanatory. Since the band is Argentinian I'm going to forgive any wonkyness in the lyrics.

Steal My Sunshine by LEN -

Genuinely the lyrics for this song are very abstract but apparently it was written when the brother and sister of the group were having a fight. Though I think the lines "And of course you can't become if you only say what you would have done, So I missed a million miles of fun" are pretty good. Also it sort of just sounds like a song he would like.

Island In The Sun by Wheezer -

On an island in the sun We'll be playing and having fun And it makes me feel so fine I can't control my brain We'll run away together We'll spend some time forever We'll never feel bad anymore

Escapism, sun motif, easy pick for the Collector. Plus the song itself has this sort of fun, laid back up-beatness to it.

Kids by MGMT -

You were a child, crawling on your knees toward it Making momma so proud But your voice is too loud We like to watch you laughing You pick the insects off plants No time to think of consequences Control yourself Take only what you need from it A family of trees wanting To be haunted (...) The memories fade like looking through a fogged mirror Decision to decisions are made and not bought But I thought this wouldn't hurt a lot, I guess not

I made a whole AMV for the Collector and King set to this song, it's a perfect fit, if I were to post all the relevant lyrics I would probably end up posting the whole song. Actually fuck it I'll post them anyways for everyone who's never heard this song.

Fine by Lemon Demon - (the sped up version)

Light is on the way, we'll be having a fun time It's such a lovely day, we should pocket the sunshine And never give it back, even if there's a heat wave We're stalling on the track, it will just be a close shave I know (I know) That in a snap, all the birds will sing I know (I know) I'm full of crap, but still Everything works out nice in the end The sun will marry the moon It'll be fine Why don't we sit back, mellow again And have a nice afternoon? It'll be fine

I feel like this is a fun song for them. Once again sun and moon imagery in the song, outwardly cheerful and bouncy in that way, but menacing at the same time.

GRRRLS by Aviva - (specifically the version that's a Collector animatic)

I can't explain it better than the video explains itself, so here's a link

Best of You by Foo Fighters -

I've got another confession to make I'm your fool Everyone's got their chains to break Holding you Were you born to resist or be abused? Is someone getting the best, the best, the best The best of you?

I think it fits thematically with the Collector breaking free from the cycle of abuse he was subjected to.

When I'm Gone by 3 Doors Down -

So hold me when I'm here, right me when I'm wrong Hold me when I'm scared and love me when I'm gone Everything I am and everything in me Wants to be the one you wanted me to be I'll never let you down even if I could I'd give up everything if only for your good So hold me when I'm here, right me when I'm wrong You can hold me when I'm scared, you won't always be there So love me when I'm gone Love me when I'm gone But when your education x-ray cannot see under my skin I won't tell you a damn thing that I could not tell my friends Been roaming through this darkness, I'm alive but I'm alone And part of me is fighting this but part of me is gone

Most annoying thing on the face of the earth when you're making playlists for child characters or siblings with terrible relationships is probably that every goddamn song you find where the lyrics are vague enough to be interpreted as a familial relationship and not romantic was probably still originally written to be romantic *strangles amatonormativity with my bare fucking hands for an hour straight*

So anyways in this context the song is about the Collector trying to reconcile their feelings about their family being shitty with their want to connect and love people and be comforted by the familiar.

Now for the playlists for the Archivists. I encourage you to look at the scroll bar on your screen. I will not judge you for looking at it and deciding you've read enough, especially since my Archivists (anyone's Archivists really) are totally made up and are basically OCs inhabiting a hole left by canon. I still have fun with them tho.

Penumbra first because she has the shortest playlist (Sorry Penny it's hard to find songs about being stressed by raising your younger siblings and being emotionally and mentally drained by stress)

Help! by The Beatles -

So much younger than today (I never need) I never needed anybody's help in any way (Now) but now these days are gone (these days are gone) I'm not so self assured (And now I find) now I find I've changed my mind And opened up the doors (...) In oh so many ways (My independ-) my independence seems to vanish in the haze (But) but every now and then (now and then) I feel so insecure

Once again on closer inspection of the lyrics I think this is AGAIN about romance. I choose to ignore it. I Do Not See It. I'm taking the implications out back and shooting them. Mainly I chose this song because it was kind of funny for everyone's playlists to be songs from the last 30 years mostly and Penny is out here like "I relate to this Beatles song which is a literal cry for help" someone save this woman (nonbinary).

Stressed Out by twenty one pilots -

Sometimes a certain smell will take me back to when I was young How come I'm never able to identify where it's coming from? I'd make a candle out of it if I ever found it Try to sell it, never sell out of it, I'd probably only sell one

*putting on a very serious face* She's stressed, she yearns for the nostalgia of when she wasn't responsible for so many things. The part about making money means nothing because I don't think Collectors participate in any economy because it's implied they don't need to eat and they could probably just magic up whatever they want/need.

Dog Days Are Over by Florence and the Machine -

Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers Leave all your love and your longing behind You can't carry it with you if you want to survive And I never wanted anything from you Except everything you had and what was left after that too, oh Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back Struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that

She wants to stop being so stressed out all the time but I think if she suddenly stopped experiencing it she would probably explode. Girl needs a therapist so badly. And a vacation. I like this song because when I looked up the meaning it was like "Bad days will end and things will get better one day" and the lyrics describe the incoming happiness as graphically fatal and terrifying in its approach like being hit by a fucking train in the first two lines of the song.

D.A.N.C.E. by Justice -

No need to analyze the lyrics here, I think she would just genuinely like this song and dance to it, though I think part of it is that there's a little bit of desperation in the way it's sung, like "please dance you have to dance or you will die" which is probably how she would feel if she was given time to relax like "oh wow this has never happened before, am I supposed to be afraid?"

Next I'll do Crescent because why not. "Birth" order, sure. Also Crescent's songs should be fairly easy to explain

The Pretender by Foo Fighters -

Keep you in the dark You know they all pretend Keep you in the dark And so it all began Send in your skeletons Sing as their bones go marching in again They need you buried deep The secrets that you keep are ever ready Are you ready? (...) What if I say I'm not like the others? What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays? You're the pretender What if I say I will never surrender? I'm the voice inside your head You refuse to hear I'm the face that you have to face Mirroring your stare I'm what's left, I'm what's right I'm the enemy I'm the hand that'll take you down Bring you to your knees So, who are you? Yeah, who are you? Yeah, who are you? Yeah, who are you? Keep you in the dark You know they all pretend

I mean. She's a liar, a pretender, she's keeping a secret (having their parent taken away) from her siblings. He's an evil bastard. This explanation will be the standard response to most songs in this playlist but maybe from different angles.

Dangerous by Big Data ft Joywave -

Nobody's listening when we're alone Nobody's listening, there's nobody listening, No one can hear us when we're alone No one can hear us, no, no one can hear us And I've gotta get out of here Sink down, into the dark Keep on running I've gotta get out of here (Keep on running) Sink down, into the dark You understand, they got a plan for us I bet you didn't know that I was dangerous It must be fate, I found a place for us I bet you didn't know someone could love you this much

A little bit uncharacteristically paranoid for Crescent tbh, but the song is fucking awesome and even though the most fitting part of the song is only one line "I bet you didn't know that I was dangerous" it is sung in this sort of taunting way that really has enough threatening intent to be perfect for him.

Miss Murder by AFI -

With just a look, they shook And heavens bowed before him Simply a look can break your heart The stars that pierce the sky He left them all behind We're left to wonder why He left us all behind

After reading the lyrics I have a suspicion they aren't what 10 year old me interpreted them to be about. That's alright. I can imagine the verses are about all the times Crescent has made cults to worship her (I have a HC that Collectors primarily do this as a means of acquiring samples from all the planets they visit because it's easier to convince the most advanced life on the planet that you are a god who demands tribute and getting them to mobilize for you VS going around finding all the animals and plants and whatever else yourself).

I Can't Decide by Scissor Sisters -

I've got to hand it to you You've played by all the same rules It takes the truth to fool me And now you've made me angry I can't decide Whether you should live or die Oh, you'll probably go to heaven Please don't hang your head and cry No wonder why My heart feels dead inside It's cold and hard and petrified Lock the doors and close the blinds We're going for a ride

Did I tell you guys??? Did I mention??? Crescent likes to kill people???? Most interesting part of this choice is how the truth will fool him, which is true. If she believes something that isn't true about you and makes the wrong assumptions based on that it's better for you in the long run, though continued exposure to her increases the chances that he'll eventually realize he made the wrong guess and then he'll get Very Mad about it.

Breezeblocks by alt-J -

No lyrical analysis because yeah they don't really fit but I like the song for the vibe, mainly the ending, though that sort of repetitive mania isn't really in line with how I characterize Crescent. I personally love it, this song triggers my mania sometimes and it's great.

Lone Digger by Caravan Palace -

Another one where it's less about how I write the character and more about what I think she'd like to listen or dance to. I think she would enjoy the frantic energy of the song.

You're Gonna Go Far Kid by Offspring -

Show me how to lie, you're getting better all the time And turning all against the one is an art that's hard to teach Another clever word sets off an unsuspecting herd And as you step back into line, a mob jumps to their feet (...) With a thousand lies and a good disguise Hit 'em right between the eyes Hit 'em right between the eyes When you walk away, nothing more to say See the lightning in your eyes See 'em running for their lives Slowly out of line, and drifting closer in your sight So play it out, I'm wide awake, it's a scene about me There's something in your way and now someone is gonna pay And if you can't get what you want, well, it's all because of me

I feel like the picture here is clear, liar, manipulative, doesn't show her true face so she's always in disguise (metaphorically), the implication of murder/fighting. *slaps the hood of this song* This baby can fit so many of Crescent's worst qualities in it.

I Get It by CheVelle -

So you say you're ignored, as it is Well, give us your sad, sad trip You're right, I get it It all makes sense, you're the perfect person So bright, so wrong Let's all live in your imaginary life Assumed it's whether We're right, or wrong We're doomed and there's plenty for all How dare you catch me counting? How dare you call at all? How dare you call this suffering? How dare you call at all?

Crescent's inner monologue if either of the Twins voice their concerns about anything. Someone needs to hit him with a car.

Annihilation by A Perfect Circle -

It's your choice, your choice, your choice, your choice, Peace or annihilation

This song I think is originally about the American military industrial complex and nuclear war. So anyways for my dumb little OC's playlist this is basically the choice they give the people of the planets they visit if they start to get hostile. "Hey, I know things are tense but have you considered that I will boil your oceans and burn your world to ash if you don't choose to be nice?" Obviously it's also another instance of the song only really having one or two lines that strongly fit the vibe but you see the vision?

You're Going Down by Sick Puppies -

Define your meaning of war To me, it's what we do when we're bored I feel the heat comin' off of the blacktop And it makes me want it more Because I'm hyped up, out of control If it's a fight, I'm ready to go I wouldn't put my money on the other guy If you know what I know that I know (...) This is hardly worth fighting for But it's the little petty shit that I can't ignore When my fist hits your face and your face hits the floor It'll be a long time comin' Bet you got the message now 'Cause I was never goin' Yeah, you're the one that's going down

Oh hey one thing I haven't said about Crescent yet is she sometimes beats the shit out of her siblings (mainly Solari who instigates it on purpose even though she knows she'll lose because it's worth it to them to get under his skin). Well when I say "beats the shit out of them" I mean it more like Crescent can get a single good solid hit in and it knocks Solari down and the fight is over. Solari has never actually been mad enough to push their luck into a full-on brawl with Crescent. If Solari actually, for real, wants to fight him then she duels him with magic instead because it's an even match-up.

Next up I'll do Solari

She also has You're Going Down, but intended from the opposite perspective, while Crescent is the singer, Solari is the listener.

The Red by CheVelle -

The red Well, it filters through So lay down The threat is real When his sight Goes red again Seeing red again Seeing red again

You might be wondering, is this another song from Solari's perspective about Crescent? No. Solari gets so mad she basically loses all control of herself, hence the destruction of property she does. If they ever got actually mad enough to actually fight Crescent for real with their hands, she would be a very dirty fighter. She sees Crescent on her missions visiting the worlds of mortals. She's watched him fight for thousands of years. Crescent has never seen Solari fight with their hands. She might not be as physically strong as he is but she would be able to have the advantage of Crescent not knowing what to expect. Plus if Satellite is there and something has made their twin THAT mad then they would join in too.

Headstrong by Trapt -

Conclusions manifest Your first impressions got to be your very best I see you're full of shit and that's alright That's how you play, I guess you get through every night Well, now that's over I see your fantasy You wanna make it a reality paved in gold See inside, inside of our heads, yeah Well, now that's over I see your motives inside Decisions to hide Back off, I'll take you on Headstrong to take on any one I know that you are wrong Headstrong, we're headstrong

Solari's mind when they're about to start shit with Crescent again. Unrelated I saw the band was marked red on my screen earlier and I was like "???" for a half second before remembering the lead singer is a dipshit loser who whines on twitter and facebook because I guess he has nothing better to do. May the miserable cretin never chart again.

Oh No! by Marina -

I just wanna change I just wanna change I just wanna change I just wanna change I just wanna change I know exactly what I want and who I want to be I know exactly why I walk and talk like a machine I'm now becoming my own self-fulfilled prophecy Oh! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no, oh! One track mind, one track heart If I fail, I'll fall apart Maybe it is all a test 'Cause, I feel like I'm the worst So I always act like I'm the best

We've come to the portion of the playlist where Solari is consumed by guilt and regret. It's actually not separated like that, I'm just saying these lines speak to how she wants to change who she is as a person because she realizes she doesn't like who she currently is. Not that Penumbra or Crescent would know she's trying to get better, because Solari doesn't respect either of them and does not put in effort into improving herself for them, she's doing it for her little brother, the Collector. Even if she never gets to see them again.

Bother by Stone Sour -

Wish I was too dead to cry My self-affliction fades Stones to throw at my creator Masochists to which I cater You don't need to bother I don't need to be I'll keep slipping farther But once I hold on I won't let go 'til it bleeds Wish I was too dead to care If indeed I cared at all Never had a voice to protest So you fed me shit to digest I wish I had a reason My flaws are open season For this, I gave up trying One good turn deserves my dying

I did mention they are being eaten alive by guilt and regrets right? This is for when Solari is having a bad time in her head.

Riot by Three Days Grace -

If you feel so empty So used up, so let down If you feel so angry So ripped off, so stepped on You're not the only one refusing to back down You're not the only one, so get up Let's start a riot A riot Let's start a riot

Solari is ready and back to being angry. They totally would incite a riot if they felt like they had a good enough reason to start one.

Fine Again by Seether -

And I am aware now Of how everything's gonna be fine One day, too late, I'm in Hell I am prepared now Seems everyone's gonna be fine One day, too late, just as well I feel a dream in me expire And there's no one left to blame it on I hear you label me a liar 'Cause I can't seem to get this through

Just kidding it's Solari Emo Hours again. The only line in the song that doesn't really apply are the lines about staying sober because I HC that there isn't really any chemical that has any effect on Collectors like that. Anyways this is Solari being like "Wow the two older siblings were able to just go back to pretending everything is fine after getting rid of our baby sibling what the fuck."

These next three songs Solari shares with Satellite so I'll talk about why I chose them for both.

Send the Pain Below by CheVelle -

I liked having hurt So send the pain below Where I need it You used to beg me to take care of things And smile at the thought of me failing But long before having hurt I'd send the pain below I'd send the pain below Much like suffocating Much like suffocating (...) You used to run me away all while laughing Then cry about the fact 'til I returned But long before having hurt I'd send the pain below I'd send the pain below

This is a bit messy but whenever the lines say "You did this" that's a perspective shift for the line from the twins' perspective to The Collector. Basically another song about the twins regretting being shitheads to their baby brother.

Breaking The Habit by Linkin Park -

Memories consume Like opening the wound I'm picking me apart again You all assume I'm safe here in my room Unless I try to start again I don't want to be the one The battles always choose 'Cause inside I realize That I'm the one confused I don't know what's worth fighting for Or why I have to scream I don't know why I instigate And say what I don't mean I don't know how I got this way I know it's not alright So, I'm breaking the habit I'm breaking the habit tonight

I'm going to assume some of this song is about some type of addiction. I'm disregarding that. Anyways the part about behavioral issues and not knowing why you act the way you do does align with the twins, and I mentioned it previously with Solari, about her trying to get better for the Collector, if he ever returns, but the same applies to Satellite. Though Satellite is at least attempting to practice this with Penumbra and Crescent. It's kind of difficult because they're so afraid of both of them, and Crescent avoids talking to them whenever he's actually around.

Little Talks by Of Monsters and Men -

I don't like walking around this old and empty house So hold my hand, I'll walk with you my dear The stairs creak as you sleep It's keeping me awake It's the house telling you to close your eyes And some days I can't even dress myself It's killing me to see you this way 'Cause though the truth may vary This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore There's an old voice in my head That's holding me back Well, tell her that I miss our little talks Soon it will be over and buried with our past We used to play outside when we were young And full of life and full of love Some days I don't know if I am wrong or right Your mind is playing tricks on you, my dear 'Cause though the truth may vary This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore Don't listen to a word I say (Hey) The screams all sound the same (Hey) And though the truth may vary This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore You're gone, gone, gone away I watched you disappear All that's left is a ghost of you Now we're torn, torn, torn apart There's nothing we can do Just let me go, we'll meet again soon Now wait, wait, wait for me, please hang around I'll see you when I fall asleep

Yeah it's basically the full song. Once again the lyrics were vague and I had to dig around to find out it was written with romance in mind but I am sending my fucking mind beams out and blowing that up. Anyways tell me this couldn't be about Satellite and Solari's guilt for how they treated their little sibling and the last verse here where they "watched you disappear" is about when the Collector was imprisoned, and the torn apart bit is how they feel about their family. I might not identify as asexual anymore (further testing necessary I'll get back to you all on this if it turns out to be true) but I am still going to be fucking grabbing songwriters in my mouth and violently shaking them. Please can you just write complex interesting relationships into songs without being "OH YEAH IT'S ROMANCE" man there's other types of love. Please. I am on my fucking hands and knees.

*double checks playlist* Oh shit Fine Again by Seether is also on Satellite's playlist. Same explanation applies. Don't feel like moving shit around and adding accommodations in the existing text, I've been working on this for four hours because I have severe ADHD and I am dogshit at prioritizing anything.

If you get this far comment on the post about my brave stance that if a candle smells good enough I would eat it. It hasn't happened yet but my toasted coconut s'more candle tempts me every fucking time I smell it.

Anyways now it's Just Satellite

Unwell by Matchbox Twenty -

Hold on, feelin' like I'm headed for a breakdown And I don't know why But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell I know, right now you can't tell But stay a while and maybe then you'll see A different side of me I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired I know, right now you don't care But soon enough you're gonna think of me And how I used to be, me

Fun fact I actually listen to this song when I feel like I might be about to have a bout of existential terror or some other flavor of mental breakdown and singing along to it calms me down. Obviously, Satellite would be able to relate about feeling gripped by a nebulous madness that Changes You when it hits. I actually have an idea for what I might have unintentionally gave them. Like. This is buried deep enough no one will hit it.

Anyways like a few days after I wrote my fucking long ass post about the Archivists and Collector's relationships and related HC and shit I began wondering. "Am I Autistic??" Asked a friend who is autistic and has ADHD at the same time (like what I would have if the answer to this wonder is yes) and she gave me some things to read about it and I was like "oh my fucking god this is literally all me." and then, because I'm some type of menace freak and I reread my posts that I like frequently, I reread my post about the Archivists and shit and I was like "Ah fuck are they all autistic??? I knew I couldn't write neurotypical people because I have literally never been one but seriously??????"

Point is: I might be autistic. Mentioning it here and now because it seems like getting an actual diagnosis is going to be a huge fucking pain in the ass and won't happen for months. And I might have made the Archivists all autistic or probably other slivers of my various other mental illnesses because I am physically incapable writing a neurotypical person. Circling around to what started this tangent: Satellite absolutely has autistic meltdowns. I don't know if ADHD people get meltdowns like how I imagine Satellite gets them, but they are modeled after My Own experiences with having meltdowns. So anyways back to music analysis in relation to my dumbass little OCs.

Bound For The Floor by Local H -

Born to be down I've learned all my lessons before now Born to be down I think you'll get used to it And you just don't get it, you keep it copacetic And you learn to accept it, you know you're so pathetic (...) Born to be down I think that I've said this before now Born to be down What good is confidence?

I've actually always related this song to mental illness, ever since I was a kid, I always associated the song with the struggles of growing up neurodivergent and how it beats you down and you learn to accept it and live with it.

Words As Weapons by Seether -

All I really want is something beautiful to say Keep me locked up in your broken mind I keep searchin', never been able to find a Light behind your dead eyes Not anything at all You keep living in your own lie, ever-deceitful and ever-unfaithful Keep me guessin', keep me terrified Take everything from my world (...) Keep me dumb, keep me paralyzed Why try swimming? I'm drowning in fables You're not that saint that you externalize You're not anything at all It's oh-so playful when you demonize To spit out the hateful, you're willing and able Words are weapons I'd be terrified You're nothing in my world

Now a song for how Satellite feels about Crescent. Once again, about a person who lies and projects a self that isn't true to who they really are, and the singer is terrified of them, which fits because that's how Satellite feels about their older brother. Crescent is physically strong and gifted with weapons but her best weapon is her charisma and charm and how she uses it to manipulate people.

Keep Talking by Pink Floyd -

There's a silence surrounding me I can't seem to think straight I sit in the corner And no one can bother me I think I should speak now (why won't you talk to me?) I can't seem to speak now (you never talk to me) My words won't come out right (what are you thinking?) I feel like I'm drowning (what are you feeling?) I'm feeling weak now (why won't you talk to me?) But I can't show my weakness (you never talk to me) I sometimes wonder (what are you thinking?) Where do we go from here (what are you feeling?) I feel like I'm drowning (You never talk to me) you know I can't breathe now (What are you thinking?) We're going nowhere (What are you feeling?) We're going nowhere (Why won't you talk to me?) (You never talk to me) (What are you thinking?) (Where do we go from here?)

Now I saved this one for last even though it was literally the first song I ever started associating with Satellite because I think it really fits them. I think this is what it's like from their perspective when they have a meltdown. I don't really know how else to describe it so I guess I'll break this down line by line because sunk cost fallacy at this point why not.

"There's a silence surrounding me" in my own experience with meltdowns, which is what Satellite's are based off of, I find that all the blood rushes to my ears and I sort of lose the ability to recognize sound?

"I can't seem to think straight" probably self-explanatory but in my experience I stop having coherent thought and kind of only think in impulses.

"I sit in the corner, and no one can bother me," though this wasn't always the case (like when you're a child experiencing this you don't really understand what is even happening, and you develop this later in like when it's more like "ah this shit again") you will typically try to remove yourself from the situation that is causing you the distress that makes you have a meltdown in the first place.

"I think I should speak now, I can't seem to speak now, My words won't come out right" this could either be interpreted as a meltdown where you just shut down and stop talking or a meltdown where you fucking scream, I tended to have ones where I would just scream, but that might be because when I get the other way I end up crying silently instead so I might have filed those moments away as just normal "I am sad" moments?

"I feel like I'm drowning" meltdowns can be overwhelming, and when I'm overwhelmed I tend to stop my feet and flail my arms and sort of contort myself because?? I don't know. It feels like I'm trying to escape my own body honestly. Drowning in myself.

"I'm feeling weak now, but I can't show my weakness" this shit is fucking humiliating to have happen in public and around other people man, it sucks ass.

So anyways that is my ridiculously long ass post about music and my little bastards (and baby, the Collector is only baby) that I spent FIVE HOURS writing. I am going to go wash my hands because Bad Texture, drink some water, and then get floor time which is time where I lie face down on my floor and pretend to be a dead body.

#toh the collector #the collector #toh the archivists #the archivists #I am not going to fucking tag all these bands do you want me to be here for six hours???#musical discussion #if you want to skip to the end I did a great analysis of Keep Talking by Pink Floyd #and how you could interpret it as a song about having a meltdown #answears #long post under the cut #I am not fucking kidding if you open this post Prepare Yourself #toh spoilers

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acheronist · 15 days

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hi <3 you almost singlehandedly inspired my current watch of the terror and subsequent hyperfixation. i’m currently at the stage where Every Song makes me think of it, so i’m here to drop a recommendation. you should listen to / look up the lyrics of I Close My Eyes by Covenant. that is all! best wishes

okay. This is crazy.... also sorry about the hyperfixation cross contamination. i did not mean to inflict you with the curse of Polar Exploration but here we are. anyways here are some of my favorite 'wow this is just like the terror' songs

youtube

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inkforhumanhands · 3 months

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I love your comic edits and would love to know more about your creation process. How do you decide you want to do an edit- as in, do you come across some quotes or lyrics and thing "this is such a vibe I need to make an edit with this" or are you moved by the image source first? What makes the best raw material for images for you? What is a particularly clever bit of editing you've done that you don't think other people noticed because you were just that skilled?

Hello! First of all, thank you! Answers under the cut.

These are very good questions haha. I think as far as deciding what edits to do, both the things you listed happen, though maybe it's more inspiration from the source? 🤔 I went back and looked at my edits and saw that two of them were inspired by prompts from MattFoggy week, but also I think I had it in my head that I wanted to use a bunch of images from the Soule run so I'd collected about 100 or so screenshots that probably wouldn't look bad in an edit and then looked at them to see if there was any way to put a story together through them. I think most of the time the lyrics I've used have come at a later point in the process. I also knew from the beginning that I wanted to do a Foggy edit from Kill Krew, and I wanted to make one from DD: Noir. That said I do have a couple lyrics/quotes that I'm like "maybe???" for lying around.

As for your second question, the best raw material fits a number of criteria: 1) contains blorbo, 2) blorbo looks good in it, 3) either no speech bubbles or ones that can be easily removed, 4) bonus points if the image is large, 5) some sort of emotion or action is readable in it, 6) not too contaminated by background clutter/easy to cut out (DD Noir was a bitch for this lmao those images were not clean), 7) bonus bonus points if blorbo is not cut off in some way like missing half their head.

Regarding that last point, I haven't actually finished this edit yet lol but I have been working on one on and off and I had to rehabilitate a partially decapitated Foggy and like. It looks fucking good! Also, for those with keen eyes who bother to go back and look at my Noir edit I'll tell you a secret: that outstretched hand in the last image meant to represent Foggy's was not from a comic at all lol. Royalty free clipart I doctored up a little because I couldn't make any of Foggy's actual hands work there. Also I don't know if this counts as clever or not, but I'm still proud of myself for using the super nondescript phone in this comic page below as such a key part of my edit!

ask me other stuff for Talk Shop Tuesday

#asks #Anonymous #inkedits #talk shop tuesday

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writernopal · 1 year

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WIP Playlist Tag

Thank you for the tag @crowandmoonwriting! See their post here.

Tagging (gently): @elshells @sam-glade @kittensartswriting @captain-kraken @lynnedwardswrites @kanobarlowe

Rules: list at least 4 songs from your current WIP playlist, or just a writing playlist you’ve been using lately, and the lyrics that speak to you the most! Then tag at least 4 people or as many songs as you listed. Let’s spread the inspiration!

WIP: AASOAF 3 (It has a title, but you don't get to know it yet hohoho)

Man's World - MARINA: "If you have a mother/Daughter or a friend/Maybe it is time/Time you comprehend/The world that you live in/Ain't the same one as them/So don't punish me/For not bein' a man"

The Devil Is Human - AURORA: "Why did you dress our pleasure up as greed?/While you're limiting our love, taking sunlight from the seed?/Why did you give us hearts we don't understand/Like an apple in our hand that you'll never let us have?"

Cosmic Love - Florence & The Machine: "I took the stars from my eyes and then I made a map/And knew that somehow I could find my way back/Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too/So I stayed in the darkness with you"

Contaminated - BANKS: "And I wish I could change it/And we're always gonna be contaminated/And oh, I know what we need/You start letting me go/Our love is tainted."

#wip playlist tag #tag game #writeblr tag games #music #aasoaf #aasoaf feels #aasoaf 3

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candiliam328 · 3 months

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✨ Bean's Top Five Song Discoveries of 2023 ✨

yes i realize it is already well into january 2024 but here, enjoy the songs i found this year that define my 2023. if you're new here, hi i used to make obsessive music posts but now dont have time to make full ones so take this instead: your very own unique insight to my 2023!

this post is dedicated to @disco-tea for somehow being invested in all my music adventures and obsessions, bestie ily 🥺💕

STOP (Lollapalooza Version) by j-hope (Eng. translation // Performance w/ Eng. sub)

im totally cheating already by choosing this when i first listened to jitb in 2022. but honestly? i dont care. i saw hobipalooza for the first time in 2023 and this version was only officially released then so here it is now!

to be frank, watching the performance was a completely different experience to me compared to listening to the studio release. while the original recording sounded conversational, it felt like something was exploding out of him during this performance. he needed to get things off his chest and yet still barely stops himself in his tracks from spiralling. and the juxtaposition !! placing it right after Equal Sign, where he is preaching kindness and understanding and unity and even goes so far to say "it costs you nothing to be kind" ?? and then the sudden immediate whiplash into STOP where he is actively holding himself back because its not true! being kind is hard!!! but he wants to be understanding and practice what he preaches but even he fails and gets "contaminated by the viruses" sometimes. its hard, its real, its raw. and ugh !! this song !!!

Bonus: the moment I always start to lose my mind

its the way the alternate title to this song is "there are no bad people in the world," a belief he holds deep to his core. and yet only a few breaths later, he confesses that the reality of the world makes him question if people are even human anymore. 😩 like wtf-

but also. its so true. and relatable. sometimes i cant even look at the news anymore bc its so hard to be a hopeful and positive and good person when you are bombarded with only hate and tragedy. i have never seen that feeling captured so perfectly in a song. jung hoseok you king.

tldr i think about this song, its performance juxtaposition, and what it means way too often. eternally sad that the youtube video with eng subs playing those songs back to back got taken down, i rewatched it so much it haunts me. may we never ever forget hobipalooza bc jung hoseok made Choices !!

Don't Wanna Cry by Seventeen (Eng. translation // Performance w/ Eng. sub in captions)

the real ones remember how j-hope took over my life that second half of 2022 and how much i fought tooth and nail the entire way... so yeah lol seventeen took over the second half of 2023 and this is the song that got me out of that denial.

the thing is. i had kept hearing about this song and this choreography and how iconic it was, which is why i avoided it for so long. but as we all know, no matter how much i joke, i am and always will be a dancer. dancing will always be in my blood. so it is very on brand that a good dancer has been what gets me into kpop groups 100% of the time (2 out of 2 groups stanned bc i fell for the main dancer 🫣). and as a choreographer, good choreo will always have an unreasonable chokehold on me. and yet, Don't Wanna Cry has the audacity to exist ?? featuring performance unit leader hoshi with his most masterful choreography for this heartbreaking song ?? come onnn, i had no chance.

i cant say anything about this choreo that hasnt been said before but like seriously, watch this practice video and tell me this choreo isnt one of the most in-sync yet emotionally effective pieces of art you've ever seen. You don't even need the translations to understand the emotions behind it. But when I first saw the lyrics with the choreography, I swear I got chills. Ironically, once DK sang out this line:

my eyes got blurry. because thats the whole point of the song isn't it? thats the whole reason why they dont want to cry. because they realize their time together is limited, their heart is breaking but each second in their presence is so beautiful and precious, how dare tears get in the way of fully appreciating this time together. its beautiful and heartbreaking and then the timing of falling to their knees right after for a chorus just adds into the hopelessness.

And I know everyone talks about the bridge but like- the bridge.

Lying to yourself that everything is OK only to fall on your knees again begging "come back, come back, come back". The rawness in this choreo. The almost uncontrollable chest pops in this vulnerable, open position because these words are coming from their heart.

Also Hoshi still to this day calls this one of his favorite svt choreos. He doesn't brag much about his choreo nowadays but the interviews I could find of him proudly relaying the story behind the iconic "streetlight" choreo just 🥺🥺 me too buddy. choreo can be beautiful sometimes and he did so good with this one. 🥺🥺🥺 choreographer hoshi, king of my heart, thank you for making me fall in love with this song 🥺🙌

I'm Just Another Person Oh God by Daisy the Great (lyrics)

Ah, yes. the Daisy the Great phase. I could have picked the whole All You Need is Time album honestly bc the storyline it has in my head is so fucked up I can't handle it. But in the end, it was a toss up between including this one or Aluminum in this list bc those were the ones I had on loop. for. reasons. 🫣

Gosh, what to say about this song. other than admitting, wow was I going through something for this one. Haven't we all felt this way sometimes though? Wanting something so bad and it not working out and then stepping back like. "wait am i being greedy and selfish with this?" and the answer is no! like actually im just being entirely super normal with this. just like everyone else! only i am also filled with some bonus woe! like ?!??!?! wasnt that the biggest 2023 mood? idk it was for me lmao.

There is something to be said with this album though, that is particularly apparent in this song. It's that kind of cynical wistfulness of wanting something you had in the past. Passion? Naivete? Whatever it is. It's gone now bc of life, the passage of time, and you're being like so super brave and normal about it (clenched fist, arthur meme style). Everything is painted with a bit of regret and "why am i always like this", all wrapped up in a funky floaty song that is almost uncomfortably easy to listen and vibe to bc of how concerning those lyrics can be when you really listen. but hey ✌️ it really do be like that sometimes i guess. shoutout to them for the insane 20yearold something vibes bc daisy the great? they get it ahaha.

Snow on Tha Bluff by J. Cole (lyrics)

Lol surprise.

if you ever want to know how i find music, a lot of my favorite songs are usually found by chance. a random deep dive fueled by curiosity or hyperfixation and every so often, my spotify will give me a gem. this particular discovery was bc for a variety of reasons, i decided to listen to a playlist of j.cole's music and was bopping along appropriately until this one came up and. i had to replay it multiple times.

its very understated. and raw. stream-of-consciousness.

i dont even know but i listened to this one a lot. even as i write this now, its been months since i listened to it but when i was making this list, i knew i had to include this one bc of how much ive thought about it.

there's something about understated vulnerability that always gets me in. nothing about this is showy nor does it really seem to have a point other than him needing to get this off his chest. yet there's such a poignant art to it. the instance he speaks about is v specific but the sentiment is still relatable and somehow resonated with me a lot.

idk i just think this song is so beautiful in its simplicity, which is something i think i should try to emulate more considering i said a whole lot of nothing in this section so i think ill stop this one here.

I Don't Understand But I Luv U by Seventeen (Eng. Lyrics)

if i had to pick a song that defined my december, it would be this one. hands down, no contest. i think i listened to this nonstop the last two weeks of the year. and:

... yeah.

im realizing as i write this post that i spent a lot of this past year just thinking about music and life. seventeen's songs actually tend to be a bit of a slow burn on me so i had known and even heard this song a few times earlier this year but really it only hit me last month. yet despite listening to it nonstop, i cannot recite to you the actual english translation of the song. bc ultimately the translation doesnt matter. what i love about this song is already there in the title.

"I don't understand but I love you"

after all, isnt that love in its truest essense? love is accepting you may never truly understand everything about a person but choosing to love them anyway. love transcends all language and all understanding. its a choice and an action and this is the song that always reminds me of that when love gets hard.

idk what this all says about my 2023 but love is hard. family is hard. but in a way, i think that's what makes it all so beautiful. just as beautiful as this song. i can and will (and have!) listened to this song on repeat bc the ✨vibes✨ i think it might even have been the first song i listened to in 2024. that guitar riff is so sick and sensual. the ad libs are so cute - the little zoom! at 0:46 and smoke smoke! at 2:02, i sing along to it every time 🫣.

also hearing the girlies lose their minds when watching this performance on the big screen during their simulcast concert was so funny but endearing. i'd never but those girls sure love thirst traps skakakka

the story behind this song too just 🥺 hoshi getting absolutely blown by a fan's comment "i dont understand but i love you," repeating it, saying they could use it as part of their lyrics and then a few months later, this song comes out. you can literally see his eyes light up im just 🥺 so endeared. and the way its a Performance Unit song, a unit that is made of 50% foreign members, and that several pre-debut clips show members struggling with language barriers. idk this song is all so soft, it means so much to me and clearly means so much to them. and there we go, its all in the title for me ✨

✨ if you made it all the way here, wow and thanks! here's to even more good music in 2024 ✨

#this was actually so much fun #and a great way to reflect on my year #2023 was an interesting one for sure 👀#hope ill be able to do something like this again in december!!#i miss making music posts #/ making posts in general lmao #my ramblings #personal #musical beans #yay! i finally spat this bby out. its been in the drafts for so long

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