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thenarcissismsurvivor · 6 years

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How to recognise if you’re dating a narcissist

Looking back at my past relationships, I can now easily spot the narcissistic behaviour #hindsightisabitch

Being a victim of narcissistic abuse is different to physical and emotional abuse, although it may morph into these abuses over time. It’s subtle, and you may not realise it until you are married with a mortgage (true story).

I recently signed up to online dating, which is awash with narcissists. I treated it as an experiment, with the question:

“Can I spot narcissistic behaviour when messaging or on a first date/post-first date?”

The answer is yes. I also observed how I reacted and the emotions present when being a recipient of their messages/conversation. Here’s what I’ve learnt.

1. Narcissists have a very hierarchical view of the world

Narcissists like to see themselves at the top or their game, regardless of whether they actually are. I found that narcissists would happily talk about how much they earn and how amazing they are doing in their career. They would happily tell you how big their cock is. They also view everyone else as inferior, even family members if they didn’t maintain a set of standards that they hold.

2. It’s never their fault

In general, narcissists never take the blame or accept responsibility for their actions. They have a hard time saying ‘sorry’. Example: one narcissist stood me up ten minutes before our dinner date, no apology. When I called him out saying this wasn’t on, I was informed I was ‘high drama’ and ‘not cool’, and he apologised for ‘having a demanding job’ and subsequently blocked me.

3. They’re afraid

You better believe it. They are shit scared of everything. They are afraid you’ll leave them. They’re afraid you’ll do better than them at work/earning potential/life in general, which will obviously interfere with their hierarchical view of the world. Which leads me into point four.

4. Controlling behaviour

Not exclusive to narcissists, but does form a part of their behaviour. If they feel their hierarchical view of the world is threatened in any way, they will start to show controlling behaviour. This usually happens in long-term relationships, but examples are: controlling who you can and cannot see - expect to lose friends if you go down this path; controlling what you do on your own/together - want to go to a yoga class? You can guarantee they’ll want to come with you, and it’s not so they can hold your hand in Savasana. Want to change career or get a qualification? They will talk you out of it.

5. Love bombing

This is a relatively new term (I think?), but since I read what it means, I can totally see where I’ve been the recipient of love bombing. Its where someone showers you with affection, probably messages you all the time, tells you how you’re different to others they’ve dated. Things will move fast - one minute you’re on a first date, the next, they’ve got their own drawer at your place. Because ‘it’s meant to be’, and they’re different......RUN. AWAY. If it feels like it’s moving fast, that’s because it is, and affection won’t be coming from a healthy place.

#narcissism #narcissisticabuse #narcissismsurvivor #abusiverelationships #abuse #emotionalabuse #controllingbehaviour #physicalabuse

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srnevergivesup · 7 years

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Growing up or recovering: Saying goodbye to toxic friends

There is something going on around me for the last few months.Most of my friends and myself had to say goodbye to some important friendships. So did my Daughter actually.

I recently had to let go of a friend, F.

I met him through someone we both knew (Y) who had been my friend for 16 years but whom I had to stop seeing as he was/is an alcoholic and hurtful to himself and others. Y was F's boyfriend but as Y has been really abusive toward F their relationship deteriorated.

F and I kept in touch even though he was still seeing Y on a regular basis. We became really close and he was a strong support when I was living at my toxic carer's. When I had my new home, I was still going to meet F in his area as he always had an excuse for not coming my way. Apart from that, our friendship was good. Although he kept asking me if I could ever forgive Y for his behaviour. I had to explained again and again that I didn't want to entertain abusive behaviour any longer. Still F kept seeing Y. I grew annoyed at hearing F complaining about y, even more so when F felt he could give me relationship and sex advice. We had a massive argument when he told me one day to stop living in the past and to just move on!! I told him how triggering and upsetting to hear this from him after I've had confided in him about my past. As a survivor of child sexual abuse, I was making slow progress but progress nevertheless. He wanted me to go quicker and thought giving me "tough love" would shake me up enough to do so. I reminded him that he himself wasn't moving on from his relationships with Y and it wasn't his job to fix me.

F ended up apologising, recognising he had been completely inappropriate and promised to be more respectful.There was even tears. I told him ok, but, if he ever crossed my boundaries again, that would be it.

He stopped giving me "lectures" but when he met some of my friends he was back to his therapy mode. He prided himself to be a home psychiatrist for years... Because he is gay, he felt he could just grab my friend M's boob while we were taking a picture, then lied to me saying he apologised to her. My friends didnt take him seriously as they knew he wasn't even following is own advice and he constantly crossed boundaries. He also needed to be the centre of attention which my friends noticed. When I told him to stop behaving like this towards my friends, he got offended.

I slowly realised how is behaviour was at times controlling and disrespectful. I told him so and he got angry and send me some hurtful messages. I told him I needed some space and didn't reply to texts is send me.

One day, after a few weeks break, he send me "Are you still alive?" I replied I was great, thank you but I havent been in touch because whether he is aware or not, his behaviour was disrecpectful and controlling. I treasure the good time together but I can no longer support him. He send me a long hurtful message. Apparently, for the last six months, he noticed me changing and it was sometimes scary...

For the last 6 months, I've sarted to gradually feel happier!!! It clearly shows that he needed me to need him. He needed to be able to give me lectures and try to fix me in order to feel good about himself. I really don't need someone like this in my life.

The victory for me was that I would normally questioned myself after such misplaced critisism but, this time, I knew it had nothing to do with me. It was all about him losing control over me. I felt instantly relieved. I also felt much happier.

My friend and my Daughter had similar expreinces of the sudden awareness that this relationship isn't right, it hurts but, it is time to leave it behind. It is scary, they know it is for the best.

I really think it is because we finally see our worth. We are growing emotionally and we can be ourselves. We can finally SEE yourselves for what you are: precious. We don't need someone putting us down all the time. We don't have to explain ourselves again and again. We seriously shouldn't have to ask to be respected! If we are brave enough to be honest about how we feel and all we get back is anger, projection, insults and abuse, it is time to show them the door.

As we grow up or progress in our recovery, some people will follow us and some we will need to part from. We can't take everybody with us, especially those who can't handle our happiness and wellbeing.

I wondered how could someone who knows so much about me be so horrible. I reminded myself that it doesn't matter why, he still became a hurtful bully. I was wondering if the end of our friendship will give him a wake up call. Not my problem though.

I quickly realised that I had more time for myself. I spend less money on booze and travel. And I don't feel stressed as much. I am surrounded only by loving and caring people and I am sucking up the love. As for my Daughter, I am very proud of her for being honest and respectul. She explained herself very well. She doesn't need a girl pushing her down and creating drama. She knows she deserves more than that.

Feel free to share your thoughts and own experiences with me.

Sylvie

#©Sylvie Rouhani #Toxicfriendships #endings #Recovery #growingup #abuse #Bullies #manipulation #COntrollingbehaviour #love

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