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#convince me phillip isnt THAT bad
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I freaking LOVED writing about being Cartman's babysitter, so! Butters and Babysitter Reader.
This is my way of giving Butters a little bit of the life he deserves.
-♡Butters parents only needed a babysitter because they want someone to help tutor him, they're tired of Butter's getting into 'trouble,' and they want to be more productive.
-Basically, they want someone to parent for them because they suck and I hate them.
-Thankfully, Butters isnt even close to being as terrible as his parents!
-♡ When Butter's parents told him about you, he got extremely excited.
-He ran around his room and grabbed a bunch of his toys and costumes for the two of you to play with.
-The week that he was waiting for you to arrive was so painful for him. He just wants to meet you sooo bad!!
♡-When you finally arrived and his parents left for their 'date' he immediatly dragged you up to his room and showed you everything cool he has.
-"This is my little buddy Soundwave and- and this is his best buddy Skeletor! Oh! And this is my computer!"
-He'll be too embarassed to show you that he likes Hello Kitty until you show him that you also like it.
-If you play Hello Kitty Island Adventure with him, he will now be convinced that you guys are best buddies.
-♡ Nobody really talks about how creative Butters actually is but trust me, he is an art kid.
-Butter's never really gets the praise he deserves for his artwork because his dad finds it gay, so he didn't show you until you found one of his pictures from art class.
-"Butters? Did you draw this?" "Oh geez, um, please don't tell my dad!"
-Will literally beg you to believe that he is not gay until you tell him that it's ok. 😭
-if you tell him that you're a bit gay yourself then he'll feel better and tell you about the time he went to conversion camp.
-♡ You are basically the parent that Butters has always wanted and he knows this.
-"Well I just wish I was as well behaved with my dad as I am with you."
-he is basically YOUR child.
-Poor little guy cries about his friends hurting his feelings literally all of the time.
-You carry him EVERYWHERE but he will constantly apologize if he hurts your back even once.
-Butters is innocent and very uninformed so you will unfortunately have to have certain talks about what is appropriate and what's not.
-His dad obviously skirts around questions that he feels uncomfortable answering so you are going to have to explain a LOT of things to him.
-♡He introduced you to Marjorine, Detective Butters, and many of his other characters but not Professor Chaos.
-he doesn't want you to be hurt by his evil alter ego or see him do mean things.
-Though it Cartman allows you to play superheroes, he'll make sure to keep his identity a secret. (It's so obvious but you pretend like it's not.)
-♡Butters wants to talk and play with you EVERY SINGLE DAY!
-You'll get a random call from the Stotch residence and it's Butters calling you from his home phone and asking you how your day was.
-He'll go on and on and on about his day until his mom or dad forces him off of the phone.
-After a few minutes, he'll call you again and continue the conversation.
-He gets caught and almost grounded until you bring up the excuse of calling the Stotches to ask if Butter's would like to stay at your house.
-♡ Butters is super excited to be spending the night with you!!!! At YOUR house!!!!!
-"Oh, boy! This is just like a sleepover!!"
-You guys go out shopping for snacks and find matching bunny pajamas.
-Movie night!!!!!!! You guys watch Barbie movies, Hello Kitty movies, and re-runs of Terrance and Phillip.
-Yall even make your own home movies with your camcorder.
-He was too scared to sleep alone in your house for a while so he's got his own place and blanket in your bed.
-♡Once Butters gets a phone and installs Coonstagram, he takes nonstop pictures of the two of you.
-He will always end the captions with "with my little buddy Y/n!" Or "with my best bud Y/n!"
-His entire gallery is full of pictures of the two of you at the park, walmart, in the car, at your house-literally EVERYWHERE.
-He texts and calls you everyday to ask how you're doing and if you wanna come over and play.
-The two of you send goofy snapchat pictures back and forth.
-♡ Overall being Butter's babysitter is a blast, and the two of you are practically best buddies. It's assured that you can always count on Butters to make you smile.
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Hope you guys enjoyed 🫶 I love writing babysitter hcs!! Next up should be Gladiator! Trent Boyett x reader :)
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whumppile · 7 years
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Your fics are really good and fun to read.i love your Spiderman ones those are my favorite! Could you do one where peter has to use his powers at school and he gets shot and tony has to come and save him ?! Pleasee. Keep up the awesome work!!
Hey thank you so much I’m so glad you like my writing! I really appreciate all the support from all my readers so, I’m sorry if this isnt what you had in mind? And also sorry it took a while but anyway here is your fic! It’s called “Shot in the dark” and I will post it on my ff.net and ao3 accounts 
Peter Parker doesn’t like guns. Hates them, actually.
He’d never been a fan of them, but then his Uncle had beenshot and killed right in front of him and he hated them even more. But thething about being a superhero, is that you get into trouble a lot, and usuallya gun or two is involved.
So, while Peter didn’t like guns, he’d become a littledesensitized to the dangers of them, because Spider-Man could take the gunsfrom the bad guys before they got a shot off, or he could swing out of harm’sway before a bullet came close to hitting him. But what was he supposed to doas Peter Parker?
School was supposed to be a safe place, it was supposed tobe somewhere he could be normal, until some idiot gave a psychopath a gun andtold him he had the right to hold it.
Peter had been concentrating on his school work, and doingreally well, until something pricked at his ears, something only enhancedsenses can hear.
Footsteps coming down the hallway, metal clinking together,but muffled, like coins or…something else rattling in a pocket. He would havetuned it out, had it not been for the unmistakable sound of a gun being cocked.
He shot up from his chair, staring at the door with wideeyes, hands shaking just a little as every hair on his arms and neck stood straightup.
What was he supposed to do? He wasn’t Spider-Man here, hewas just Peter, and there was someone with a gun coming towards theirclassroom.
Ned noticed his friends discomfort and nudged his elbow.
“Hey, what’s wrong?”
Peter could barely breathe, as those footsteps saunteredcloser. The gunman was coming right at them, steps calm and measured, as if hehad as much time as he wanted, and all the control.
Metal clinked again and Peter realised that it was the soundof loose bullets rattling around in his pocket. He was planning for a lot ofvictims, but Peter couldn’t let that happen.
The teenager sprinted over to the door and locked it,turning out the lights as he did. His hands scrabbled for his phone in hispocket, as his teacher called out to him, annoyed.
“Peter, what are you doing? Turn those lights back on andget to your seat.”
The footsteps continued, coming ever closer, and Peter puthis phone to his ear as he begged his teacher to understand.
“There’s someone with a gun, right outside! Everyone stayquiet and get under your desks, I’m calling for help!”
His teacher, Mrs Philips’ face went white, as every studentdid the same, staring at Peter in shock.
“How do you-?”
“Just do it! And text everyone you can think of, to tellthem to do the same.” He was trying to keep his voice low, so as not to alertthe attention of the gunman in the hall, but he was freaking out. Finally, Tonypicked up the phone.
“Hey, kid. I’m kind of in the middle of something so if-“
Peter held the phone close and hissed into it, words comingfast and panicked. He’d seen news reports of school shootings and new it couldget ugly real fast, and there wasn’t much he could do about it.
“There’s someone outside my class with a gun. I don’t knowwhat to do, he’s only like, ten meters away and I don’t have my sui-“
Tony’s voice was hard, a tell-tale sign he was just aspanicked as Peter, but there was noise in the background like chairs scuffingagainst the floor, and Peter knew he was coming.
“Okay, I’ll be right there. Just try to hide, and don’t doanything reckless. I’ll notify the police, just stay hidden okay? You aren’tSpider-Man right now, so just be safe as Peter Parker.”
Peter agreed, catching Ned’s eye from across the room andnodding slightly, letting him know help was coming.
Everyone was under their desks now, and with the lights off,Peter was hoping the gunman would pass by their room, thinking it was empty. Itsounded like the gunman was coming to their class, but he could be going toanyone in the school.
Tony was still on the line with him, and he could hear thethrusters from the Iron Man suit. He’d be there soon, and they’d all be safe.
Peter’s attention was taken away from the slow, leisurelyfootsteps as Tony spoke again.
“Where is the guy with the gun? Are you somewhere safe?Police should be arriving in five minutes.”
Peter ran a hand through his hair as he replied, trying tokeep his heart rate steady. He needed to focus.
“I’m in my history class, I turned the lights off and lockedthe door, and everyone is texting people in other classes to do the same.Hopefully, anyone far enough away from him, can get out of the classes withouthim knowing, and when he walks past our room he’ll think its empty and keepgoing, so when he’s far enough away we can get out. Then he’ll just be walkingaround an empty school, but there are a lot of people just in this one block,what am I supposed to do if he starts firing?”
It was getting harder to breathe, and Ned was watching himfrom under his desk with wide eyes. He knew what he was asking and shook hishead. He didn’t have his suit, Tony had taken it for repairs after his lastdisastrous mission; he didn’t even have his web slingers, and his old suit wasat home. Tony had told him to take a week off from Spider-Man duty, and Peterhad actually thought it would be a good idea.
Not so much now.
“Good job, kid. Just follow the plan and stay quiet, there’snothing else you can do. You aren’t bullet proof and there’s no way you cantake on an armed gunman without your suit. Just stay quiet and wait for me toget there, okay?”
Peter nodded, not daring to utter another word, because hecould hear those footsteps coming closer. Too close.
They were only two meters from the door now. Peter’s heartalmost leapt out of his chest as Tony spoke again.
“I just got word from the cops, he’s a bank robber, theychased him but lost track of him a few blocks away and they don’t think he’sthere to hurt anybody. He’s probably just looking for a hostage, to use to makea deal. They’re almost there, and kids and teachers are already being evacuatedfrom other classes.”
Peter breathed just a little easier at that, but the gunmanwas still there, and he held his breath and those footsteps came to a stopoutside the door.
The faces of his classmates were all aimed towards him, inthe dark. They were scared, and he could do nothing to help them.
The room was silent, as everyone held their breaths.
The door handle jiggled, turning, and twisting as the mantried to open it. It wasn’t until he thumped against the door, that someonemade a noise.
It was such a small sound, just one terrified whimper as thegunman slammed against the door, but it was loud enough, and the thumpingstopped, replaced by the sound of a gun tapping against the wood, and a huskyvoice.
“Open the door, or I’ll shoot through it and kill everyone.”
Peter froze, as terrified faces looked to him for guidance.He was the one in front of the door, he was the one that had locked it, andnone of them wanted to make the decision.
Tony’s voice came through the phone. “Peter…” But he didn’tknow what to do either.
The voice came again, louder this time. “Open the door, oreveryone dies! You have three seconds!”
Peter didn’t want to do it. He wanted to be anywhere else inthat moment, he wanted his suit, he wanted a mask to hide how scared he was,but he had nothing but the phone in his hand.
He unlocked the door, jumping back as the gunman burstthrough, making a few kids let out startled cries.
He was carrying a machine gun, with a bag slung over hisshoulder, filled with cash. Some of it was splattered with blood.
A few kids were crying softly behind him, and Peter clenchedhis fist to stop his hands from shaking as the gunman walked into the class,aiming his gun at the teacher behind her desk.
“You. Come with me.”
Mrs Phillips nodded shakily and got up from her crouch,tears in her eyes as she walked towards him. But Peter couldn’t let her go. Shehad a kid, a three-year-old named Tyler, and he couldn’t just watch her walkout with someone that could kill her.
“No, take me instead.”
A few gasps echoed in the dark behind him, and Ned’s softvoice. “Peter, no!”
Mrs Phillips frightened gaze turned towards him, as the bankrobber frowned. “What?”
Peter raised his chin, defiant, as his teacher watched himin awe.
“She has a family, she’s a mom, I don’t even have parents,just an aunt. Take me, and I’ll do whatever you want, I won’t cause trouble,just don’t hurt anyone else.”
The gunman looked vaguely impressed, while Mrs Phillip’sshook her head.
“No, Peter I can’t let you.”
He gave her a smile, fighting to keep it relaxed and free ofthe fear he felt coursing through his entire body. He turned his phone towardsher from where his arm hung at his side, subtly enough that the gunman didn’tnotice.
“It’s okay. Just keep everyone else safe.”
The woman looked down at his phone screen, seeing the callername across the screen. He was still connected to Tony, the other man hearingthe whole thing, and he was almost there. Mrs Phillips knew about theinternship, and seeing the name, and knowing Iron Man was coming, convinced herthat help was on the way, and she nodded slightly.
Peter gave one last smile to Ned, knowing he’d be foreverapologizing for the look of fear he got in return, before the gunman grabbedhis arm and pulled him into the hall.
“Come on, kid. You’regonna be my ticket out of here.”
Ned didn’t want him to go, he didn’t want him to get hurt,but he couldn’t do anything as he watched his best friend walk out with thegunman.
He watched Peter as he left, seeing the last look he senthim, and as much as Peter tried to hide it, he could tell he was scared.
Ned gripped the legs of his desk as he watched Peter leave,the door remaining open as the man led Peter down the hall, a gun against hisback.
He had never been more scared in his life, watching his bestfriend walk out the door with a criminal, knowing he didn’t have his Spider-Mansuit with him. But it would be okay, because Mr Stark was coming, and Peter gotinto fights all the time and was fine. Right?
Ned watched through the open door, watching their shadowsstretch across the floor, as shouts were heard. The police had arrived.
Ned couldn’t hear like Peter could, but he could hear thepoliceman call out for the gunman to drop his weapon, and then a hurriedargument between the gunman and Peter, before a gunshot rang out. A few kidslet out frightened screams at the sound, but Ned couldn’t breathe.
And then he felt as if his heart had stopped too. Peter fellto the floor in front of the doorway, hands desperately pressing against theblood pouring from his stomach. Kids screamed and cried around him, as moregunshots fired, but Ned didn’t make a sound, his head spinning as he watchedhis best friend bleed out on the floor.
………………
Tony heard Peter give himself up to the gunman, to save theteacher, and he heard them walk away from the classroom. His heart hammered,almost painfully, against his chest as he continued to listen to the horrifyingevents unfold.
He had told Peter to lay low, to hide, and he was so closeto the school, but too far away to help as the gunman threatened a class fullof kids. The call was muffled slightly, from where Peter had put the phone inhis pocket, and he knew Peter wouldn’t be able to hear him anymore, as hewalked out of the class with the criminal.
It was the most sickening feeling, hearing everything butnot being able to help, and he thought it had been okay when he heard thepoliceman.
“Kyle Monger, drop your weapon!” Help was there, Peter wouldbe okay.
But the gunman didn’t want to give up just yet, and hisvoice was hard, and unafraid. “Leave, before I kill you, and then the kid.”
Tony could almost see the way Peter would have looked as heleaped for the gun, hearing him pant and yell as he struggled with Monger.
“No! You promised you wouldn’t hurt anyone!”
He let out a shout of his own as he heard the rattle of thegun, and grunts of effort as Kyle Monger tried to wrestle his gun back, Peterdoing everything he could to protect the cop.
“Peter!”
“Let go, kid!” Kyle sounded angry and that only worried Tonyfurther.
“You can’t hurt him!”
And then the gun fired and Peter gasped. Tony held hisbreath, as he heard another gunshot and a cry of pain from the robber. Then thecops voice, panicked, as Peter’s laboured breathing shook.
“Monger is down, I got him in the west block, but he shot akid! I need medics here now! I repeat, some kids been shot! I need immediateassistance!”
Tony almost passed out while flying, but Friday kept him oncourse as her quiet voice interrupted Peters wet panting.
“I’ll notify Dr Banner of the incoming patient.”
………………
Ned watched Peter twitch on the floor, body instinctivelytrying to curl away from the pain, as he struggled to pull in air. Blood wassoaking through his blue shirt, staining his hands and pooling on the floorbeneath him. He was bleeding out so fast, it seemed to only take a secondbefore a policeman was leaning over him, pressing his jacket to Peter’sstomach.
Kids were crying around him, and Ned didn’t want to see hisbest friend die, he didn’t want to see him bleeding out and gasping for breath,but he had to help, he couldn’t do nothing.
Mrs Phillips words were cracked and wet with tears as shecalled out to Ned, but he didn’t listen, just kept crawling over to the hall tohis friend.
“Ned, honey, don’t look! Stay under your desk!”
The policeman was talking to Peter, telling him to stayawake, and Peter was trying, blinking up at him as he tried to breathe throughthe blood filling his mouth. The policeman looked up as Ned came closer, andPeter coughed, sending red splatters to cover his lips and a trail of blood todrip out the corner of his mouth, rolling down his cheek.
The cop gave Ned an apologetic frown, hating what he neededto ask him.
“Kid? I have to check on the suspect. Can you press down onthis for me? Press really hard, we have to stop the bleeding.”
Ned didn’t move for a moment, body frozen as he watched theblood drip from Peter’s mouth to the floor. The cop called him again, louder,making Ned jump a little.
“Kid!”
Ned lifted wet eyes to him, and the cops face softened alittle.
“Is he your friend?”
Ned just nodded, looking back to Peter, where he wasblinking up at the ceiling, mouth open and gasping.
“I’m sorry. Help will be here soon, just push down on this,and I’ll be right back.”
The cop took Neds hands and pulled them to Peter’s stomach,pressing them down on the jacket there. Peter let out a cry of pain, eyesflitting to Ned as if just realising he was there, and Ned let out a small sob.The cop went to tend to Kyle Monger, and Ned pressed down on the bullet woundin his best friend’s stomach.
“Peter, I’m here.”
His voice was wobbly and small but Peter dragged his glassygaze to him, hands coming to grip Ned’s slick with his own blood. Ned releasedanother sob.
“Hold on, helps coming. Just hold on.”
Peter sucked in a shallow breath, struggling to get hiswords out through the pain clouding his every sense.
“It’s o…kay.”
Ned shook his head, pressing harder on the still bleedingwound. Why wouldn’t it stop?
“No, it’s not. You got shot, Peter. None of this is okay.”
Peter blinked sluggishly and rolled his head a little, in anexhausted version of a head shake.
“It is, because you’re okay. I’ll be fine. I…” He coughedpainfully, eyes scrunching shut against the agony of it, before pushing out thelast of his sentence.
“…I heal fast, remember?”
Ned looked back down at the mess of blood, red soakingthrough the cop’s’ jacket and covering his hands. God, it was everywhere.
“The bleeding won’t stop, Peter, I don’t know what to do.What do I-?”
His words faded as he looked back up at the other boy’sface, because Peter’s eyes were rolling back into his head.
“No! Peter, stay awake!”
But, Peter’s eyes closed and his breathing was nothing morethan shallow puffs of air. Ned’s best friend was dying under his hands.
The cop looked up at his frantic yells, but didn’t have timeto do anything else before something smashed behind them.
Ned looked up in fright, as Iron Man smashed through awindow in a nearby, empty classroom, and came soaring down the hall towardsthem.
Ned sobbed with relief, whole body shaking as Tony landednext to him, mask opening to reveal his panicked expression.
“Peter!”
Ned pressed down on the jacket once more, but it was almostuseless at this point and he knew it. There was too much blood on the floor.
“He tried to save everyone. He gave himself up so the badguy wouldn’t take our teacher. He…he got shot. It won’t stop bleeding.”
Tony looked down at the kid and tried to remember how tobreathe. He was so pale, and the red splattered across his mouth meant he wasalready drowning in his own blood, and would die soon, if he didn’t get thehelp he needed.
He needed to move, he needed to pick him up and fly him tothe base, but he just…couldn’t.
Peter didn’t look like a superhero, he just looked like a fifteen-year-oldkid, and Tony didn’t know that he could stomach looking at him for much longer.He looked dead, and every part of him screamed for the terrible injustice thatit was.
Ned was sobbing quietly, shaking as tears trailed down hischeeks, hands soaked in the blood of his best friend. Tony felt so horrible forhim, for having to see Peter that way, for having to hold that burden.
He tried to keep his voice steady as he laid a hand on thekid’s shoulder.
“You did good, Ned. I’ll take him now, I’ll get him somehelp.”
Ned nodded, but didn’t want to take his hands away fromPeter’s stomach, worried about what may happen when he did.
Tony looked around for some help, spotting a teacher in thedoorway behind them. She had her hand over her mouth, and a face wet withtears. Tony gestured towards her, grateful when she came forward quickly.
He tried to be as gentle as he could, as he gathered Peterinto his arms, cradling his cold, limp form, against his chest. The teacher,sniffed as she pulled Ned’s hands away from his friend’s body, and hugged himas he fell against her, hands dripping with red.
Ned watched as Tony took away his friend, and just hoped hewouldn’t lose him.
………………
It took far too long to get Peter back to the base, and Tonyheld him tight, talking to him the whole time and just praying he was stillalive.
“Hold on, Pete. Just keep breathing, I’ve got you now, everything’sgoing to be okay. Stay with me, kid.”
It was all a blur when he arrived at the Avengers compound,Bruce and the med team took Peter from him, placing him in a bed and cutting ofhis shirt, pressing gauze and bandages to the bullet wound, and yelling things.
Tony didn’t move until they wheeled the kid away, and stronghands pulled him to a chair, a calm voice interrupting his thoughts.
“Tony, get out of the suit.”
He blinked, wet eyes focussing on Caps face in front of him,watching him with concern.
He came out of the suit, stumbling against the hard floor,and turning to look at what Cap was staring at. There was blood smeared allover the chest plate, and that was it. Tony couldn’t take the pain anymore. Hisknees buckled and Steve caught him before he fell to the floor.
Cap held him as he cried, gripping the soldier as he triedto breathe.
Steve didn’t know what to say, what was there to say? Peterhad been shot at one of the only places he was supposed to be safe in. Thenormal part of his life, the part he got to be a kid in, had been intruded onby a thug with a gun, and now he was dying.
There was nothing he could say to make it better, but hetried anyway.
“He’ll be okay, Tony.” His voice was quiet, because theyboth knew he might be wrong. And that hurt more than anything.
………………
It took a few hours of surgery, but the bullet was removed,and the bleeding was finally stopped. Peter was okay.
Tony wiped at his eyes, as Ned walked ahead of him, intoPeter’s room. He’d sent Happy to pick him up from school, after his parents hadmade sure he was okay, and he tried to be strong as the kid approached the bed.
Peter lay there, covered in wires and pale, his eyes wereclosed and he wasn’t going to wake up anytime soon. He’d lost so much blood hisheart had almost had nothing left to pump, and it would be a while before hehad enough strength to wake up.
Ned’s steps faltered as he saw his best friend, and Tonyplaced a hand on his shoulder.
“He’s okay. Don’t be scared, go talk to him.”
The teenager nodded and took a deep breath as he approachedPeter’s unconscious form, carefully picking up one of his limp hands to hold.
“Hey Peter. Um…Please don’t ever do that again, I don’tthink I can handle it. And I can’t lose you, you’re the only friend I have.Actually…you’re more like my brother. I don’t think I’ve ever told you that.”He sniffed and wiped at his eyes, before trying to think of something else tosay. As long as he spoke, he wouldn’t have to hear the too-slow beating of theheart monitor.
“Oh, dude Captain America shook my hand. So, that was cool.I think I might have blacked out though because I don’t remember what I said tohim.”
Tony laughed a little and patted his shoulder,encouragingly.
“You told him your name twice, but it’s been a long day, heunderstands.”
Ned smiled just a little, and sat down in the chair next toPeter’s bed, as Tony pulled a blanket from the end and draped it over thespider baby, unable to hold back his worry at the dark circles under his eyes.
“Damn it. The first time I meet him and I embarrass myself.”He sighed, and Tony’s heart broke at the pain in his voice. “Please wake up,Peter.”
Tony sat on the other side of the bed and watched over thetwo kids, wondering how the hell he’d come to end up there.
He’d be having a talk with Peter when he woke up, althoughhe didn’t know what he would say. He was mad, because Peter was supposed tostay out of trouble, he was supposed to let the cops handle it, but he hadtaken things into his own hands.
But he couldn’t be mad that Peter had saved his whole class,and been willing to die in order to protect others, even when he was scared.
Maybe he should just take them all on vacation instead, theycould certainly use it.
He sighed, and wiped a tired hand over his face. He didn’t knowwhat he was going to do, but for now, it was enough that Peter was alive. So,he sat back and listened to Ned ramble on to his best friend, talking abouteverything that had happened and all the cool stuff he’d seen.
They wouldn’t always be, because Peter found trouble whereverhe went, but for now, they were safe.
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foursprout-blog · 6 years
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61 Juicy Details From The ‘Bachelor Nation’ Book That Prove The Show Isn’t All Champagne And Limos
New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/happiness/61-juicy-details-from-the-bachelor-nation-book-that-prove-the-show-isnt-all-champagne-and-limos-2/
61 Juicy Details From The ‘Bachelor Nation’ Book That Prove The Show Isn’t All Champagne And Limos
laureneburnham Instagram
LA Times reporter Amy Kaufman wrote an engrossing and in-depth peak into all things Bachelor in Bachelor Nation: Inside the World of America’s Favorite Guilty Pleasure. It’s required (and enjoyable!) reading for any fan of the series. Here were some of the best things I learned:
What goes into each episode
[*] Each episode has a budget of $2 million.
[*] Production keeps costs “down” by writing to hotels and venues and exchanging a mention of their name for free stays and services.
[*] During casting, the producers pick two girls they think the Bachelor/Bachelorette will really like. The other 23 contestants are cast only because they will make good TV.
[*] The people the producers think has the best chance of winning will be the first and last people out of the limo.
[*] Producers will influence who stays and who gets in the limo ride of shame by introducing certain contestants to the Bachelor/Bachelorette and making sure they have time, through which information they feed to the Bachelor/Bachelorette about each contestant, and by telling the Bachelor/Bachelorette directly of a few contestants they’d like to keep around for TV.
[*] Former co-executive producer Scott Jeffress would ensure they made good TV by rewarding producers who created drama with $100 bills he kept in his pocket. Producers would get the cash by causing a contestant to cry, getting the Bachelor to kiss someone, or catching someone mid-puke.
[*] The other executive producer, Lisa Levenson, is the character UnReal is based on. She was making $10,000 a week.
[*] The production staff often drinks with the contestants, especially expressing faux sympathy and then offering to do a shot with them prior to an interview so that they’ll be less guarded with their answers.
[*] Production staff would routinely function on as little of an hour a sleep a day because they were staying up so late partying.
[*] After years and years (and a lawsuit) of public criticism for not casting diverse leads ABC announced their first lead of color, Rachel Lindsay. Ratings went down about a million viewers from the previous season (Jojo Fletcher’s): “Fletcher’s audience was 86 percent white and 7 percent black; Lindsay’s was 80 percent white and 12 percent black.”
[*] You don’t own the Neil Lane ring unless you are together for two years.
[*] For two years after the show you can’t get married unless you let ABC film. They only pay you $10,000 per hour of TV. (It wasn’t made clear if this was per person or per couple).
[*] The bachelor mansion has 6 bedrooms and 9 bathrooms and the family that owns in it actually do live there. Production pays to move everything out of the house and for the family to stay at a hotel for 42 days each season. Here is the house’s (weird) website.
How to get on The Bachelor
[*] If you make it to the final interviews, you’ll get flown to LA, a $50/day stipend, and unlimited alcohol.
[*] There is an STI test you need to pass to get on the show and it’s one of the top reasons finalists don’t get cast. This was the most confusing part of the show for me because the author doesn’t specify which STIs and herpes is so common that doctors don’t even test for it as a standard. It would be hard for me to believe they have SO many casting options after eliminating this pool. Really wish the author would have followed up here.
[*] The producers say they won’t take people with borderline personality or who have had suicidal ideation in the past, but former contestants like Rozlyn Papa have struggled with depression, so it’s not clear what the line is.
[*] The contract you sign means you have to go to “After the Rose” reunions if they want you to appear for up to three years.
[*] It used to be the case that contestants would go into debt buying dresses for the show. Now people get them discounted or free with the promise of showing them on social media.
[*] On the show, you might sleep up to twelve people per room in bunk beds. You will have to do your own laundry and cook your own food.
[*] You’re not allowed to bring music or magazines, but for the most recent seasons contestants were allowed books. Prior to that the only book allowed was the bible. Contestants also usually bring vibrators.
[*] The contestants are so bored that production can bribe them with music or a movie in exchange for gossiping about someone on camera or doing something else that builds the storyline.
[*] Sometimes the cast members will say things in interviews just because they are tired and want to be done with the interview, but they know the producers will keep going until they get something juicy.
[*] One producer explicitly says the show is formed around a storyline the producers create, vs editing what actually happens. They’re quoted as saying “There’s no allegiance to what happened in reality.”
[*] You can read one of our former staff writer’s detailing her audition experience here.
Past Bachelor/Bachelorette drama
[*] The very first winner of The Bachelor, Amanda Marsh, broke up with the bachelor (Alex Michel) when she learned (months later) that he slept with the runner-up, Trista Rehn, in the fantasy suite.
[*] Sharleen Joynt from Juan Pablo’s season is one of the few former contestants interviewed in the book. I think both Sharleen and the book’s author think she comes off well but each time one of her quotes appeared it made me cringe. Every one was about how she was somehow different/better than the other women on the show. At one point she bragged a producer told her she was the most “analytical” and “reflective” contestant they’ve ever had on the show… which seems like the exact kind of buttering up that a producer says to lots of people over the years to get them to open up more in an interview.
[*] When Desiree Hartsock was on Sean Lowe’s season she was living paycheck to paycheck and didn’t have a plan for if she ended up missing a lot of work for the show. Eventually she had to ask producer’s to pay her rent for her (which they did).
[*] Meredith Phillips was the second Bachelorette. She was paid only $10,000 for the whole season.
[*] Now, the bachelor or bachelorette typically receive $100,000+.
[*] The author, Amy Kaufman, has a viewing party in her Los Angeles apartment. Robby Hayes (a castoff from Jojo’s season and purveyor of diet creamer #ads on Instagram) promised to come and made her buy supplies so he could drink Moscow Mules and then ghosted her.
[*] Andrew Baldwin, the “officer and a gentleman” former Bachelor had a somewhat shady response to Kaufman’s request to interview him for the book. He asked for a percentage of the profits in order for him to “spill all”. (I don’t think anyone should spend time doing something for free but he should just decline or not respond. In journalism it’s generally considered unethical to pay someone for an interview because it gives that person an incentive that isn’t truth-telling).
[*] Matt Grant had a better response: “unless your business opportunity can help my daughter’s university fund then I have little interest in getting involved.”
[*] Chris Bukowski only found out he was cast on Emily Maynard’s season 3 weeks before it began. He frantically started working out and kept chicken in his pockets because he was trying to eat so much protein and build muscle. He said: “I would work out before work. I would work out when I got home from work. I’d run, like, six miles before I went to bed. It was ridiculous.”
[*] By 11am on his first day of Bachelor in Paradise Chad Johnson had already consumed 7 shots of Jack Daniels and an entire bottle of wine. Production let him pass out in the sand and allowed crabs to crawl over his face. He eventually was asked to leave after Sarah Herron gave production an ultimatum.
[*] Clare Crawley recalled her famous conversation with Juan Pablo. In the helicopter she was trying to discuss the proposal/ending of the show with him. She asked him how he was feeling about it and he responded, “I don’t know. I liked fucking you.”
[*] The sex Juan was referring to didn’t take place in the ocean. Clare tells a pretty sad story about wanting to go for a midnight swim to celebrate being able to travel and being at a good place in her life after a battle with anxiety when the producers forced her to ask Juan Pablo to join her, made it look like they had sex in the ocean, and then filmed and broadcast a scene where Juan Pablo shamed her for being a bad example for his daughter. (Fuck that guy).
[*] The insane part of being on the show is that you don’t even know what you feel anymore because it’s so disconnected to reality. Chris Bukowski was pressured by Elan Gale and production to propose at the end of Bachelor in Paradise to Elise Mosca. Despite being aware enough of how bad of an idea it was that he told his mom “I don’t know. Should I propose to her? I don’t, like, love her or anything.” he was very close to going through with it.
[*] There was so much negativity about Chris Bukowski on the internet that he and his dad stopped talking for awhile because his dad was so embarrassed by it.
[*] Rozlyn Papa claims she never had any kind of inappropriate relationship with a producer (she was kicked of Jake Pavelka’s season for this reason). It seems convincing enough in the book that it could have been totally made up by production to create a storyline. In retrospect, Papa says “You go on that show and you are meat for the grinder.”
[*] Ben Flajnik basically broke up with his pick Courtney because of what he saw once the season started airing (she was “the villain”).
The Bachelor
[*] Ben was the runner-up on Ashley Hebert’s season of The Bachelorette. He said of proposing to Ashley “I liked Ashley enough. You’re not really in love with a person. But Ashley was super cool, and I was like, ‘Who knows where this is gonna go?’ If she says yes, I’ll just do a very long engagement.”
[*] Lauren Bushnell’s $100,000 Neil Lane ring was the most expensive in the series history. She had to give it back when her and Ben Higgins broke up.
Lauren Bushnell Instagram
[*] A lot of couples don’t get to know each other much more than we see on TV when they get engaged. Melissa Rycroft says when she started talking to Jason Mesnick after the show ended (and they were engaged), they’d never discussed his job, or whether she would move from Dallas to Seattle.
[*] Donnie Wahlberg told the cutest story about being a Bachelor fan: “I will literally walk on-set after lunch and say, “OK, it’s Monday. Bachelor in Paradise tonight. Let’s get the hell out of here so everyone can watch it.”
[*] Of criticism Catherine Lowe has faced for turning her happily ever after/family into #ads, she says “As much as I don’t want to do the ads, it’s like, ‘Well, I have a beautiful home and a child that I have to pay for, and I don’t have to go to an office every day,’”
[*] Ashely Iaconetti defended her sponsored Instagram ads by saying she uses it as her “day job” while she tries to create her own career: “Yes, I get money from ads, but I’m also working every day on jobs that don’t pay anything.”
[*] Bachelor alum can basically quite their day jobs and live off Instagram if they play it right. They can arrange vacations around which places will pay them for appearances, comp a stay, or pay them to post social media tagging the location.
Mike Fleiss
[*] Mike Fleiss is the producer and creator of The Bachelor. His second cousin is famed Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss.
[*] Mike is a decent writer and started his career as a journalist. However, he was jealous of people like Howard Stern, who had more creative freedom. He discovered that he didn’t like to be “restricted” by facts.
[*] Fleiss got his start in raunchy reality specials like Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire, a precursor to The Bachelor that he pitched as like a “Miss America pageant”.
[*] Mike sounds exactly like the character on UnReal based on him: a total nightmare to work with. His former assistant said of working with him:
“We’d refer to him as ‘The Dude,’ because he was just like The Big Lebowski in his slippers and his sweats and his leather jacket, smoking and playing the guitar… Keeping a conversation with him in his office was a challenge, because he’s on the other side playing the guitar, feet up on the desk.”
[*] ABC originally passed on The Bachelor when it was pitched to them. They only bought it when Fleiss added on a proper ending for the season: the bachelor would propose.
[*] After the show became a big success, Fleiss would smoke a joint during meetings with ABC and no one would say anything.
[*] He named his son Aaron, in part after Aaron Spelling.
Chris Harrison
[*] Mike Fleiss’ first impression of Chris Harrison was that “He looked like a guy barfed on by an 8-year-old.”
Elan Gale
[*] He became Twitter famous after he got caught making up a story about a woman on the same flight as him and the story went viral.
[*] After seeing him in person coaching a contestant to cry on camera and reporting on it, the book’s author was “no longer invited” to Bachelor events by ABC.
[*] Many former cast members spoke to her about how they protected (and feared) the status of their friendship with Gale.
Why we watch
[*] From a young age we learn that the most valuable feedback (says our culture, not reality) women get is about their attractiveness to straight men.
[*] Dating is something basically everyone has in common. We love to share dating “war stories” because it’s a way to bond, discuss, and check-in with each other about social norms. The Bachelor makes this an even more social experience.
[*] The fantasy of the show is that it subverts the expectation women have for me, instead of “no expectations” the men talk about their emotions, “plan” fantasy dates, and are all looking for commitment.
[*] Allison Williams has a good argument in the book (each chapter is bookended by celebrity essays) about how we don’t just learn about feminism from pro-women content, but from watching and discussing real life scenarios that aren’t exactly intended to be intellectual.
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61 Juicy Details From The ‘Bachelor Nation’ Book That Prove The Show Isn’t All Champagne And Limos
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61 Juicy Details From The ‘Bachelor Nation’ Book That Prove The Show Isn’t All Champagne And Limos
laureneburnham Instagram
LA Times reporter Amy Kaufman wrote an engrossing and in-depth peak into all things Bachelor in Bachelor Nation: Inside the World of America’s Favorite Guilty Pleasure. It’s required (and enjoyable!) reading for any fan of the series. Here were some of the best things I learned:
What goes into each episode
[*] Each episode has a budget of $2 million.
[*] Production keeps costs “down” by writing to hotels and venues and exchanging a mention of their name for free stays and services.
[*] During casting, the producers pick two girls they think the Bachelor/Bachelorette will really like. The other 23 contestants are cast only because they will make good TV.
[*] The people the producers think has the best chance of winning will be the first and last people out of the limo.
[*] Producers will influence who stays and who gets in the limo ride of shame by introducing certain contestants to the Bachelor/Bachelorette and making sure they have time, through which information they feed to the Bachelor/Bachelorette about each contestant, and by telling the Bachelor/Bachelorette directly of a few contestants they’d like to keep around for TV.
[*] Former co-executive producer Scott Jeffress would ensure they made good TV by rewarding producers who created drama with $100 bills he kept in his pocket. Producers would get the cash by causing a contestant to cry, getting the Bachelor to kiss someone, or catching someone mid-puke.
[*] The other executive producer, Lisa Levenson, is the character UnReal is based on. She was making $10,000 a week.
[*] The production staff often drinks with the contestants, especially expressing faux sympathy and then offering to do a shot with them prior to an interview so that they’ll be less guarded with their answers.
[*] Production staff would routinely function on as little of an hour a sleep a day because they were staying up so late partying.
[*] After years and years (and a lawsuit) of public criticism for not casting diverse leads ABC announced their first lead of color, Rachel Lindsay. Ratings went down about a million viewers from the previous season (Jojo Fletcher’s): “Fletcher’s audience was 86 percent white and 7 percent black; Lindsay’s was 80 percent white and 12 percent black.”
[*] You don’t own the Neil Lane ring unless you are together for two years.
[*] For two years after the show you can’t get married unless you let ABC film. They only pay you $10,000 per hour of TV. (It wasn’t made clear if this was per person or per couple).
[*] The bachelor mansion has 6 bedrooms and 9 bathrooms and the family that owns in it actually do live there. Production pays to move everything out of the house and for the family to stay at a hotel for 42 days each season. Here is the house’s (weird) website.
How to get on The Bachelor
[*] If you make it to the final interviews, you’ll get flown to LA, a $50/day stipend, and unlimited alcohol.
[*] There is an STI test you need to pass to get on the show and it’s one of the top reasons finalists don’t get cast. This was the most confusing part of the show for me because the author doesn’t specify which STIs and herpes is so common that doctors don’t even test for it as a standard. It would be hard for me to believe they have SO many casting options after eliminating this pool. Really wish the author would have followed up here.
[*] The producers say they won’t take people with borderline personality or who have had suicidal ideation in the past, but former contestants like Rozlyn Papa have struggled with depression, so it’s not clear what the line is.
[*] The contract you sign means you have to go to “After the Rose” reunions if they want you to appear for up to three years.
[*] It used to be the case that contestants would go into debt buying dresses for the show. Now people get them discounted or free with the promise of showing them on social media.
[*] On the show, you might sleep up to twelve people per room in bunk beds. You will have to do your own laundry and cook your own food.
[*] You’re not allowed to bring music or magazines, but for the most recent seasons contestants were allowed books. Prior to that the only book allowed was the bible. Contestants also usually bring vibrators.
[*] The contestants are so bored that production can bribe them with music or a movie in exchange for gossiping about someone on camera or doing something else that builds the storyline.
[*] Sometimes the cast members will say things in interviews just because they are tired and want to be done with the interview, but they know the producers will keep going until they get something juicy.
[*] One producer explicitly says the show is formed around a storyline the producers create, vs editing what actually happens. They’re quoted as saying “There’s no allegiance to what happened in reality.”
[*] You can read one of our former staff writer’s detailing her audition experience here.
Past Bachelor/Bachelorette drama
[*] The very first winner of The Bachelor, Amanda Marsh, broke up with the bachelor (Alex Michel) when she learned (months later) that he slept with the runner-up, Trista Rehn, in the fantasy suite.
[*] Sharleen Joynt from Juan Pablo’s season is one of the few former contestants interviewed in the book. I think both Sharleen and the book’s author think she comes off well but each time one of her quotes appeared it made me cringe. Every one was about how she was somehow different/better than the other women on the show. At one point she bragged a producer told her she was the most “analytical” and “reflective” contestant they’ve ever had on the show… which seems like the exact kind of buttering up that a producer says to lots of people over the years to get them to open up more in an interview.
[*] When Desiree Hartsock was on Sean Lowe’s season she was living paycheck to paycheck and didn’t have a plan for if she ended up missing a lot of work for the show. Eventually she had to ask producer’s to pay her rent for her (which they did).
[*] Meredith Phillips was the second Bachelorette. She was paid only $10,000 for the whole season.
[*] Now, the bachelor or bachelorette typically receive $100,000+.
[*] The author, Amy Kaufman, has a viewing party in her Los Angeles apartment. Robby Hayes (a castoff from Jojo’s season and purveyor of diet creamer #ads on Instagram) promised to come and made her buy supplies so he could drink Moscow Mules and then ghosted her.
[*] Andrew Baldwin, the “officer and a gentleman” former Bachelor had a somewhat shady response to Kaufman’s request to interview him for the book. He asked for a percentage of the profits in order for him to “spill all”. (I don’t think anyone should spend time doing something for free but he should just decline or not respond. In journalism it’s generally considered unethical to pay someone for an interview because it gives that person an incentive that isn’t truth-telling).
[*] Matt Grant had a better response: “unless your business opportunity can help my daughter’s university fund then I have little interest in getting involved.”
[*] Chris Bukowski only found out he was cast on Emily Maynard’s season 3 weeks before it began. He frantically started working out and kept chicken in his pockets because he was trying to eat so much protein and build muscle. He said: “I would work out before work. I would work out when I got home from work. I’d run, like, six miles before I went to bed. It was ridiculous.”
[*] By 11am on his first day of Bachelor in Paradise Chad Johnson had already consumed 7 shots of Jack Daniels and an entire bottle of wine. Production let him pass out in the sand and allowed crabs to crawl over his face. He eventually was asked to leave after Sarah Herron gave production an ultimatum.
[*] Clare Crawley recalled her famous conversation with Juan Pablo. In the helicopter she was trying to discuss the proposal/ending of the show with him. She asked him how he was feeling about it and he responded, “I don’t know. I liked fucking you.”
[*] The sex Juan was referring to didn’t take place in the ocean. Clare tells a pretty sad story about wanting to go for a midnight swim to celebrate being able to travel and being at a good place in her life after a battle with anxiety when the producers forced her to ask Juan Pablo to join her, made it look like they had sex in the ocean, and then filmed and broadcast a scene where Juan Pablo shamed her for being a bad example for his daughter. (Fuck that guy).
[*] The insane part of being on the show is that you don’t even know what you feel anymore because it’s so disconnected to reality. Chris Bukowski was pressured by Elan Gale and production to propose at the end of Bachelor in Paradise to Elise Mosca. Despite being aware enough of how bad of an idea it was that he told his mom “I don’t know. Should I propose to her? I don’t, like, love her or anything.” he was very close to going through with it.
[*] There was so much negativity about Chris Bukowski on the internet that he and his dad stopped talking for awhile because his dad was so embarrassed by it.
[*] Rozlyn Papa claims she never had any kind of inappropriate relationship with a producer (she was kicked of Jake Pavelka’s season for this reason). It seems convincing enough in the book that it could have been totally made up by production to create a storyline. In retrospect, Papa says “You go on that show and you are meat for the grinder.”
[*] Ben Flajnik basically broke up with his pick Courtney because of what he saw once the season started airing (she was “the villain”).
The Bachelor
[*] Ben was the runner-up on Ashley Hebert’s season of The Bachelorette. He said of proposing to Ashley “I liked Ashley enough. You’re not really in love with a person. But Ashley was super cool, and I was like, ‘Who knows where this is gonna go?’ If she says yes, I’ll just do a very long engagement.”
[*] Lauren Bushnell’s $100,000 Neil Lane ring was the most expensive in the series history. She had to give it back when her and Ben Higgins broke up.
Lauren Bushnell Instagram
[*] A lot of couples don’t get to know each other much more than we see on TV when they get engaged. Melissa Rycroft says when she started talking to Jason Mesnick after the show ended (and they were engaged), they’d never discussed his job, or whether she would move from Dallas to Seattle.
[*] Donnie Wahlberg told the cutest story about being a Bachelor fan: “I will literally walk on-set after lunch and say, “OK, it’s Monday. Bachelor in Paradise tonight. Let’s get the hell out of here so everyone can watch it.”
[*] Of criticism Catherine Lowe has faced for turning her happily ever after/family into #ads, she says “As much as I don’t want to do the ads, it’s like, ‘Well, I have a beautiful home and a child that I have to pay for, and I don’t have to go to an office every day,’”
[*] Ashely Iaconetti defended her sponsored Instagram ads by saying she uses it as her “day job” while she tries to create her own career: “Yes, I get money from ads, but I’m also working every day on jobs that don’t pay anything.”
[*] Bachelor alum can basically quite their day jobs and live off Instagram if they play it right. They can arrange vacations around which places will pay them for appearances, comp a stay, or pay them to post social media tagging the location.
Mike Fleiss
[*] Mike Fleiss is the producer and creator of The Bachelor. His second cousin is famed Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss.
[*] Mike is a decent writer and started his career as a journalist. However, he was jealous of people like Howard Stern, who had more creative freedom. He discovered that he didn’t like to be “restricted” by facts.
[*] Fleiss got his start in raunchy reality specials like Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire, a precursor to The Bachelor that he pitched as like a “Miss America pageant”.
[*] Mike sounds exactly like the character on UnReal based on him: a total nightmare to work with. His former assistant said of working with him:
“We’d refer to him as ‘The Dude,’ because he was just like The Big Lebowski in his slippers and his sweats and his leather jacket, smoking and playing the guitar… Keeping a conversation with him in his office was a challenge, because he’s on the other side playing the guitar, feet up on the desk.”
[*] ABC originally passed on The Bachelor when it was pitched to them. They only bought it when Fleiss added on a proper ending for the season: the bachelor would propose.
[*] After the show became a big success, Fleiss would smoke a joint during meetings with ABC and no one would say anything.
[*] He named his son Aaron, in part after Aaron Spelling.
Chris Harrison
[*] Mike Fleiss’ first impression of Chris Harrison was that “He looked like a guy barfed on by an 8-year-old.”
Elan Gale
[*] He became Twitter famous after he got caught making up a story about a woman on the same flight as him and the story went viral.
[*] After seeing him in person coaching a contestant to cry on camera and reporting on it, the book’s author was “no longer invited” to Bachelor events by ABC.
[*] Many former cast members spoke to her about how they protected (and feared) the status of their friendship with Gale.
Why we watch
[*] From a young age we learn that the most valuable feedback (says our culture, not reality) women get is about their attractiveness to straight men.
[*] Dating is something basically everyone has in common. We love to share dating “war stories” because it’s a way to bond, discuss, and check-in with each other about social norms. The Bachelor makes this an even more social experience.
[*] The fantasy of the show is that it subverts the expectation women have for me, instead of “no expectations” the men talk about their emotions, “plan” fantasy dates, and are all looking for commitment.
[*] Allison Williams has a good argument in the book (each chapter is bookended by celebrity essays) about how we don’t just learn about feminism from pro-women content, but from watching and discussing real life scenarios that aren’t exactly intended to be intellectual.
0 notes