Tumgik
#coping is a thing you have to learn and he didnt have the best references
romana-after-dark · 7 months
Text
The Wrong Way (Dark Ending): Going Under, Part 2
Tumblr media
Raider!Joel Miller x Fem!Reader
Raider!Tommy Miller x Fem!Reader
Spotify Playlist
Summery: After you give birth to Ellie in the cabin, Joel fins you and Tommy, besting Tommy in a fight. What happens to you? What happens to Ellie, Tommy, Lorenzo and the rest of the family Little One has acquired? How does Little One learn to cope with her new reality? Does she fall into the darkness that surrounds Joel and all he touches? Can Joel really change for you and your daughter?
WARNINGS FOR FULL FIC, NOT CHAPTER BY CHAPTER UNLESS SOMETHING NEW IS ADDED AFTER MASTER WARNING LIST: DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT!!!! Fic contains graphic depictions of sexual assault, rape, molestation, dubcon/non con. MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH WARNING, graphic violence, murder, manipulation, the horrors, Joel being Joel, Tommy being kinda pathetic, Joel's weird sexual fantasies, breeding kink, abuse of power. Just.... all the bad.
Extra on the executions. Suicidal ideation. Sorry, I should've put tjat in the warnings first chapter but I just came up, so this is your warning now. Im tryingto think of all the hardest stuff that happens now so I can warn ahead of time but sometimes it just happens while writing you know? Things come up. Dont say i didnt want you with major character death
a/n who watched Avatar TLA growing up? There a reference to it at the very end.... that episode traumatized me
*******************
It had been four days before Joel came and got you. The room was cold from the cool outside air; it was far from freezing, only a crisp Wyoming early fall so far. This had proven a benefit, despite the way you shivered under tattered blankets, as it aired out the bucket of piss and shit that was your toilet.
Ellie had to be dead by now. Infants need to be fed regularly, every 2-3 hours according to Maura… your breasts hurt, they hurt so fucking bad sometimes you cried from just that… but it wasn’t a hard leap from your depressed mindset. The pain was aching and you had to squeeze the milk out of your engorged breasts just to have a little relief. Your vagina hurt, too. Luckily you had stopped bleeding, although you wished you’d just bleed out already. Everything was pain and your dreams in the few moments you were sleeping were filled with nightmares.
You weren’t sure what you were living for. You laid on the mattress hour after hour, staring at the broken glass from your fit, thinking you could easily kill yourself… The only thing that stopped you was the effort it would require. Dazed, almost… that was the best way to describe it, all the hours blurring together
Honestly, you hadn't expected Joel to return at all. You figured he killed Ellie or just let her starve, killed Tommy and would just let you waste away in this god forsaken room, the room where so much happened.
Tommy taking your virginity after you begged him, playing go fish for hours.
Joel raping you, loving you, cuddling you.
Nick.
When he walked into the room, you didn’t even look up. You didn’t have the energy anymore. When his strong arms scooped you up, leading you out of the piss-smelling room, you instinctively wrapped your arms and legs around him like before… it had been habit at this point, after a year of doing this and you were no stranger to your body betraying you.
Joel, in turn, held you close. “Just look what you’ve done, hermosa… but it’s okay, we can fix it.”
“No” you whine, head in the crook of his neck. Why was his smell comforting after all that had happened? “We can’t fix this.” Your baby is gone, after all you did to try and save her.
“Yes, yes we can, you just gotta be good.” Of course Joel thought this was fixable. Ellie was only ever his replacement for Sarah, so she was replaceable herself. Joel would put a baby in you again and if it was a boy? Another one. And another, and another until you died, then he’d move onto the next vulnerable young girl.
Joel took you outside. When you saw the raiders all surrounding the yard, a yard that had previously been your comfort, a place you imagined your baby playing, you figured this is where he killed you. You were ready.
“Watch her” And he went into the house. The sunshine and fresh air felt nice, you had to admit. When he returned, he carried a little bundle; the baby blanket Mrs. Munoz knitted, with Ellie’s little face barely peeking out.
“ELLIE!” Joy and sunshine filled your heart again, and suddenly nothing else matter than the fact your daughter lived. Ecstatic, you dash towards her as all the pain of earlier seeming long gone in your desperate need for her, but Joel wouldn’t let you have it just yet. He moved her out from his firm grasp, still holding her but seemingly threatening to drop her. “JOEL NO!”
“She’s safe, little one, don’t you worry… as long as you behave.” He went back to rocking her, a soft expression as he looked at his daughter.
“H-how is she alive? She didn’t feed, I thought- I thought she was dead!”
“You really think I’d let my daughter starve?” His voice was condescending, a slight scoff at the end. “C’mon now, you can’t be that stupid. I know there's not a lot going on in that bimbo housewife brain of yours but I thought you had a little more faith in you than this.” He was… he was laughing at you. All the things he did to you, all the things he’s said… why did this hurt so bad? Joel never called you stupid before… and didn’t he… he threatened to hurt her just a moment ago, didn’t he? Or did he? Maybe you were reading into it too much…
“I’m not… I’m not stupid.” Defensively, you spoke but your eyes remained on your daughter.
“Oh, of course not, sweet girl, of course not.” Was he making fun of you? Why were the other men chuckling? “But I had a plan incase you couldn’t produce milk. I’ve got a freezer full of breast milk from other women, and even some formula. It’s expired but, it’ll do in a pinch.”
As relieved as you were about Ellie living, guilt punched at you. “You… Joel, you took milk away from hungry babies?”
Joel rolled his eyes. “No, of course not. Mrs. Little Feather was producing an abundance so I paid her well for a stash, just in case. I’ll always protect my family” He turned to one of the men and nodded.
Tommy was pushed out the house, hands bound behind him and he was shoved to the ground.
“TOMMY!” But you didn’t dare move, not when Joel had Ellie.
“Honey, fuck, I’m sorry, I-” He was cut off by Joel kicking him in the stomach. Tommy’s left hand was bandaged up from the stabbing. 
But Tommy’s reveal wasn’t even the worst. Out of the house came  Zach and Lorenzo, bound and gagged, quickly followed by the biggest shock yet. June. It had been a whole year since you’d seen her, never even saying goodbye when you were ripped away from your family. The four of them knelt on the ground, hands tied behind their backs, Lorenzo and Zach at one end of the yard, Tommy and June behind them. Joel shoved you towards Zach and Lorenzo, the guards taking off their mouth gags.
Zach yelled your name. “Run!” But Lorenzo knew better. Lorenzo knew there was no running from Joel, and there was no leaving Ellie behind. You stumble towards them, taking them in your arms. Joel was going to kill them.
“I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry…” You sob, knowing this was because of you.
“Sweetheart.” Lorenzo’s voice called to you, oddly calm given the circumstances. “Sweetheart, look at me.” He waited until you looked him, Lorenzo’s large, brown, droopy eyes calming you the way they always did. “It’s okay. Zach and I… we’ve already made peace with this. It’s gonna be okay.”
“No it’s not!” You protest. “He’s gonna kill you both we will have NOTHING!”
Zach. “You’ll have Dolli.” You look to your big brother. “And I know it’s hard, and I know it’s shit right now, honey it’s shit, but you can’t leave her with Joel, okay? So you gotta do this. Think of mom, think of all she did so we could survive.”
A fresh bout of tears. You sniffle, smelling the grass and the dirt and the filth surrounding you. “But I can’t.” You sob violently. You can’t do this without help, you never could. 
“You can-”
“I’m not strong!”
Lorenzo. “You’ve already been strong, always. You survived a lifetime of hell and you put up a hell of a fight, again and again. You’re gonna raise Dolly to be strong like you, okay?”
Ellie. Ellie needed you. Nothing else mattered but her. “Her name… her name Ellie. Joel chose Dolly, I chose Ellie June.”
Zach smiled. “Ellie June. I love it.”
“Your goddaughter, Zach.”
He nodded. “I’ll keep an eye on her, I promise. We both will.”
Joel steps up, still holding Ellie close to his chest with his left hand. “Alright, ‘nuff talk’n”
“No, Joel, please!” You desperately cling to your brothers, a feeble attempt to save their lives when you feel yourself being picked up by familiar arms; Tommy wrapped a strong arm around your middle pulling you away. “TOMMY LET ME GO!”
Kicking, screaming, fighting, you try to pull off him but your legs dangle, treading air.
“Joel.” Tommy called to his brother. “Dolly’s ears.” He referenced the baby in his arms as Joel pulled out the gun.
“There’s a silencer.”
Horror and anguish as you cry for your family, Lorenzo and Zach both mouthing that they loved you although you couldn’t hear a sound anymore, except the sharp eeeeee and muffled voices. The panic had set it.
Lorenzo and Zach come closer together, their bound up finger intertwining together. Joel strides up the the couple, covers Ellie’s ears with his hand and chest and-
BANG! BANG!
Zach and Lorenzo’s bodies felt limp to the ground, and you didn’t have it in you to scream any more. You went into shock, freezing up and zoning out, only barely aware of Joel comforting Ellie as she cried; no doubt startled from the shooting and commotion. 
Joel spoke to his men, but you weren’t sure what he said… the only thing in your sights was your dead family and he thought that June and Tommy were probably next…wait, when was Tommy untied?
Joel hand grabbed your face and you heard a faint ‘Joel, stop’ but he didn’t. It was the middle of the sentence before you started to understand again. “-are both dead now. Jack is dead, Maura is dead. But her,” He pointed his gun at June, stepping towards her. “She’s alive. Zach tried to take her, thinking it’d save her. Look what good that did huh?”
You couldn’t speak, but Tommy did. “C’mon, man, she’s got nothing to do with this, don’t kill her.”
“Well Thomas, I’m glad you care so much, that’ll make the next part easier.”
“What are you-”
Joel ignored him. “Set her down.” Tommy did. You wobbled a bit but got to your feet, trying to concentrate on behaving… Zach was right, you needed to do this for Ellie. He walked back to you. “See how easily he listens to me? Like a guard dog. Tommy always was good at following orders.” He looked too Tommy again. “Take three steps back.” Tommy did. “Spin around” Tommy rolled his eyes, but did. “Shake you butt”
“Joel-”
“Do it Tommy”
Tommy did, looking humiliated in the process he wiggled his hips.
“Oh come ooooon” Joel laughs. “Put on a show”
“This is humiliating”
“THAT’S THE POINT!” 
You wince at the outburst, wanting to hold Ellie so painfully bad… her little nose was getting runny from the cold, even with a little hat on.
Joel raised the gun to Ellie, and Tommy immidietly complied, shouting at him to knock it off. Jaw set tight, Tommy bent over and stuck out his butt, shaking it to the chuckles of the other men. Tommy fucking Miller, Joel’s previous right hand man. Feared leader, reduced to this indignity… You looked over to June, still bound and gagged and on her knees, looking utterly confused.
“Good job, Tommy” Joel turned back to you. “See how easy it was for Tommy to listen to me? Always been like that, following me around like a lost puppy, desperate for my approval… you know why I untied his hands, little one?” He didn’t wait for your answer. “Because I need you to know he watched. He watched me kill your brother and Lorenzo, he held you back while he watch. He watched me take you, he watched me fuck you on the table, he watched me brand you, and if he had been here last week he would’ve watched as I hung you.”
The whimper from your mouth at the memory is pathetic, but you keep your mouth shut as your eyes cry. 
Joel perked up. It was like a shift, that dramatic change in his personalities that was so hard to keep up with. “So here’s my vision! It’s gonna take a while until we can all trust each other but I want us to all be a family.” He nudged his gun, and one of the men moved to June. Joel must have planned this all out, orchestrated it… He gave the gun to his man, and yanked down June’s gag. It was clear she had been crying heavily, but would not give Joel the dignity of begging for her life. June was strong like that. Sweet, kindhearted; a soft person who was undeniably stubborn. “Beautiful thing, aren’t you. Gonna make such a pretty wife.”
June was too proud to beg, but you’d been long suffering indigities. You had no pride left. “No, no, no, no, no JOEL! Don’t do this, I’ll be good, I promise!”
“Relax, bebita.” He laughed at you. “She’s not for me. You’re the only one for me, you know that right? You gave me my daughter back, you’ll always be my wife, no matter what.”
You were more confused than ever; a cooling breeze rustled your skirt, making you realize just how damn sweaty you’d gotten during all this. “Then what-”
Joel took the collar of June’s shirt, dragging her towards Tommy and throwing her at him as she squeaked in shock. Although he caught her, diving towards her falling body and preventing it from hitting the ground Tommy looked as confused as you did.
“I don’t want-”
“She’s your wife now”
“JOEL!” He held her and June clung to him. “This is insane, I don’t want a wife!”
Uninterested, Joel shrugged him off. “Fuck her, don’t, I don’t really care.” Joel strode towards you again but stopped to look over his shoulder at Tommy. “But knowing you, you probably will. Just a matter of whether you hold her down or not.”
Tommy, for all his weaknesses and flaws… you knew he was not that type of man.
“You and June will live in your old room. She can’t leave the room unsupervised until I say so” He turned to you. “Same with you, little one. But Tommy’s gonna watch you both. Know why?”
Finally, fucking finally, Joel handed you your daughter and you scooped her up, sobbing. “Hey baby, hi. Mommy’s here, yeah, mommy’s here now, it’s okay”
The sun was beginning to set, the shadows of the trees casting long over your dead family. “Because I’m choosing to spare his life, He owes me. And if we can all get along, no more run’n, no more fighting, no more ‘Joel stop!’” he mocked. “Then the 5 of us and whatever other children we’re blessed with can all live together as one big happy family.”
*
Joel sat you between his legs like you always used to after a bath, Ellie in both your arms as he nursed. “Knew you’d fuck up that room, little one. My brave girl. Always so strong, so resilient. You wanted to get to Dolly, didn’t you?”
“Yes” it was the truth, at least. You couldn’t help but feel comfort in Joel’s arms even now… what was wrong with you? Why were you like this? How had he broken you down this badly? “Just… just wanted to be with her…”
“I understand. She’s perfect, isn’t she?”
“Absolutely perfect” and she was, Ellie was everything.
A knock on the door; Joel beckoned them in.
“Watch your fucking eyes.” He snapped at his man bringing you food and water, despite this very man having been there when you were raped in the kitchen… a little breastfeeding wouldn’t had much to the fantasies. 
When Ellie was done, fallen quickly asleep, Joel took her and laid her in her crib before doing what you knew was only inevitable. 
He laid down beside you, handings trailing you body, muttering about much he missed you, how much he missed your body. “My perfect girl…” In gentle whispers, he spoke praises into your mouth between kisses, hand trailing between your legs. You hated your body for responding to him, you hated the way he made you feel so good and you hated how you would kiss him hours after murdering your brother and friend… But Ellie. Ellie is what mattered. Ellie needed to be safe, she needed her mom, and she needed no more of her family dead. So, you kissed Joel. You kissed Joel the way you had kissed Tommy only earlier this week as he swore to you he’d be the father of the child in that crib. Your life with Tommy crumbled down before you, as did any chance of happiness.
“Joel, I haven't bathed in days…” 
“Don’t care, need you”
“Joel it huuurts” You begin to cry, despite knowing that only ever has turned him on more. “Please?” 4 days was not a lot of time to heal, the tearing still evident in you.
Pulling away, Joel looks at you, cupping your face with large, calloused hands. “We need to work together on this, little one. Give a little, get a little. For Dolly.”
Damn him. Damn him and the way he made your stomach burn, damn him and the way his touch felt so good and how you wanted to just be a happy family with him even now… And damn him for knowing how to use Ellie to manipulate you.
“Can we… can we do anal?”
The surprise was evident on his face, bed creaking as he sat up. “You’d prefer to take it in your ass instead of your pussy?”
As you gaze up at him, the concern on his face was clear… oh how he confused you. “I think it would hurt less.”
His features softened as you spoke, laying back down beside you to kiss your neck. “Just focus on my hand right now, sweet girl.” And you did. You did because you were a mess, you were disgusting, you were heartbroken and sad and lonely and you wanted Tommy but you had Joel and he had treated you well didn’t he? Maybe this was survivable… maybe. But you had to please him, and Joel always made you cum. Your pleasure turned him on… so you allowed yourself to sink into the swirling touch of Joel Miller’s fingers.
His touch was gentle but pressing and urgent; patience yet needy, as if making you cum would rebuild the bubble that he had built all those months… and it just might. Your cunt feel empty when it pulses around nothing but you are thankful you are able to get this wet, to orgasm still… The natural lubrication will help with taking his dick up your ass. When the climax was over, you took the chance to relax… it would hurt less if you relaxed.
“Roll over” He ordered, and you did as you were told before Joels straddled your thighs, hands rubbing up and down your mostly-clothes body. “Such a pretty girl… such a perfect girl, and all mine… I don’t care that Tommy fucked this sweet little pussy” Joel reached down to rub your swollen lips. “I don’t care. Once you’re healed up, I’m gonna cum inside you every goddamn day until you give me another baby, gonna fuck a baseball team into you.”
Of course he is. Of course. You wouldn’t expect nothing else from him; he wanted to keep you trapped with him forever… All the love you felt for Ellie was going to multiply tenfold, and you could never, ever leave with that many.
As Joel lined his cock up, swiping it up and down your asscrack and the crease of your thighs, you burry your face in the pillow. Joel wasn’t going to prep you at all, was he? He was going to just fuck you, rip you open and punish you-
“Oh little one… you’ve had a long day, haven't you? Yeah… You’ve been good, I’ll meet you halfway” Joel slid his cock between your plump thighs.
You lift your head off the pillow. “What? What are you doing?”
He began to pump, fucking your thighs and making the bed creak enough you made a mental note to ask Jack to oil it- fuck, Jack was dead, dead because he saw you trying to escape and took you back to Lorenzo. Dead because he went to get Zach to save his life… All of them ended up dead anyway. Jack, Maura, Lorenzo, and my dear brother who had only ever tried to help you. Now June was essentially Tommy’s wife just as you were Joel’s and although you trusted Tommy not to hurt her, she was in a house full of raiders… and Joel.
“Let it out, baby, let it out.” Joel cooed as he thrusted between your legss; one or twice he spit down between them to keep the lubrication going but it wasn’t long before he pulled out, jerking himself as he painted a picture of his cum on your ass and thighs. “Beautiful girl… beautiful.” The cum was like lotion as he rubbed it along you, rubbing your aching muscles… Did he love you? Truly?
When Joel leaves to boil water for the bath, you go to pick up Ellie. You needed her, needed her painfully. You wanted to make up for lost time in those four days she was gone, and away from you; she needed skin to skin, she needed love, she needed her mama’s voice… she needed you.
Joel could hear you from outside the door, peaking through the crack to watch you cuddle his daughter… you were a good mom. You loved Sarah like he did, you cared for her, you wanted the best for her. You just needed to learn, that’s all. Learn that Joel was the only man that mattered, learn that giving Sarah a family with siblings and two loving parents was more important than your own personal feelings. You simple needed to learn that Joel knew what’s best. He’d take care of you, take care of you like he always did; protecting you. He wouldn’t make the mistakes he made with Nick, Tommy, Lorenzo, Jack… Tommy would watch you while he was gone, but he knew Tommy, and Tommy was a simple man. Place a pretty girl in his bed, and it wouldn’t take long before they were fucking, and once Tommy fucked a girl, well… he latched on fast. Probably his mommy issues.
You were so sweet with Dolly, so careful, so attentive… even now, you sang to her and Joel thought this was the only sight he needed to see for the rest of his life: You, freshly fucked and beautiful with Dolly asleep in your arms as you sang.
What Joel didn’t know was your thoughts were consumed by your brother, dead outside with a gunshot in his head. Maybe you could ask him and Lorenzo to be buried together… it was the least you could do for your first protector… your soldier, your guardian who died in vain fighting for your safety after a lifetime of taking your beatings. 
“Leaves from the vine
Falling so slow
Like fragile tiny shells
Drifting in the foam
Little soldier boy
Come marching home
Brave soldier boy
Comes marching home”
The bath after sex felt exactly like it always had.
*******************
YEEEEEEEEEEEESH goodbye Zach and Lorenzo!!! my babies! my favorite couple! (im so sorry fen. I murdered your boy!) Also sorry angela buuuuuuuuuutttt you knew this was happening.
Honestly my heart aches for Zach. I have an older brother who was largly my protector in my childhood, my best friend for so long and I love him lots. Thats who zach is based off of for me but i dont wanna give a faceclaim bc I tryyyyyyy to make little one race inclusive (i know i didn't do perfect with the details of her bruisings but it can be hard) If any of my mutuals wanna see a pic Ill show you XD
Remember when I said taylor russle was June's faceclaim? I lied. I saw a picture of Alisha Boe and was like!!!!!! wait no thats her!!!! so now shes on this header.
JUNE AND TOMMY PLOT TWIST what do we think will happen there??? (June is canon bisexual, so dont let her marrying Maura in ghost of you series throw you off. She's the one who told little one all she really knew about sex.)
PLEASE LEMME KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS AND THEORIES!!!! RBS ARE SO IMPORTANT TO SPREAD WORK but I like you know what you guys are thinkig!!! what part was the hardest to read? what are your thoughts on how this goes? One june and tommy? the deaths of jack and maura as well as tommy and lorenzo? Joel suddenly being very condesending to little one and almost like a schoolyard bully to tommy? all this happening while holding ellie?
He kinda reminds me of Joe Goldberg in You lol carrying Henry around with him on his lil stalking trips
@pimosworld @rubyfruitjungle @moriartyyouwhore @k-ra @the-fox-den @jenna-ortega @alwaysmicado @lunar-ghoulie @ladynightingale @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin @maura-honey @fandxmslxt69 @my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog
52 notes · View notes
winter-mornings · 3 years
Photo
Tumblr media
Make ‘em cry, child of war
5K notes · View notes
aardvaark · 4 years
Text
i know everyone gets mad at judy for always checking things like whats happening in the police precinct with the crimes or talking to detectives about those cases and all. i can totally see why jen and all are having a problem with that (steve is technically another example but he can - and lowkey did - die in a hole). it does look dodgy and weird and the situation is stressful for her (”her” being jen - from now on im just gonna refer to jen bc ew steve, so yeah sorry).
i mean i dont like that jen was still being rude or speaking to her like a child except worse and more angrily. she was condescending. but i do understand, at least, the fear resulting in anger at judy.
but ive been thinking about it, and i think the reason judy has a hard time sticking out of these issues is probably because she has previously had to solve every single issue shes experienced alone, when she was young. and she had to be constantly aware - has someone noticed my mother isnt going to school events? has someone noticed that im cooking and cleaning for myself? has someone noticed im tired and stressed? because if a teacher finds out, theyre going to do something, and i dont want to upset my mother because im sure somewhere deep down she really does care and love me sometimes. i dont want to upset anyone at all. 
you’d fear massive changes in your life - everything needs to stay the same, even if its not stable, theres a kind of makeshift stability in constant instability. in always having to manage a crisis. theres steps, theres a mental checklist, theres things to do. she probably thought change would still be worse than this; a total upheaval in the short-term. no guarantee of stability in the future. as things were, she had the guarantee of instability, but it was still a guarantee. 
she’d have to just reason that she could cope with anything. its what i always hear about kids in neglectful or abusive situations, its a pattern i think a lot of us have experienced: “you’re so mature for your age!” / “you’re special (or smart)” / “you’re so grown up!” / “you’re so responsible!” / “you’re sorry kind and sympathetic to your peers!”. this isnt meant to hurt, it doesnt necessarily hurt, its often from other adults who have no idea whats happening. but the behavior theyre seeing is more along the lines of: quiet, constantly alert, anxious, sad, upset, fearful. 
[imo, theres a harmful misconception that quiet/stressed/rarely happy = growing up, becoming more mature. i do think its kind of awful that you’re not meant to have that child-like fascination and excitement with the world when you get older, but its true that just does often go away a little with time, completely naturally. but it can also be harmful to make that A Thing, because childhood depression and anxiety or experiencing potentially traumatic or otherwise stressful and upsetting situations can also lead to showing similar signs - just faster, earlier. and these can be misread as just being very mature for your age. but thats a separate issue i have with the world, lol.]
anyway, so shes found the only option is to hide the problems and present as totally fine. make excuses. lie. keep secrets. these behaviours have stuck with her, too. and so would the feeling that there is constant danger. she must know what the exact extent of the danger is at all times because she must monitor everything. she needs to be on the lookout for threats, because there are always threats. she has to check, be responsible, no one is going to help her, theres an order to the disorder, theres a way to manage the chaos and only she knows how because this is just another crisis. her average state, a day-in-the-life of judy hale.
shes always had to do that, in the context of her growing up. but although its the same feeling of stress, its a different context now, and that behaviour is a lot more suspicious in this situation. especially now, because shes an adult. and now shes not alone in the stressful environment, other people (eg jen w/the murder) want and need a say in how problems are being sorted out. and jen is kinda right, you know, you cant go around checking in with the police, it looks pretty odd. judys form of crisis management isnt applicable here, but judy doesnt really think about that, shes thinking about how best to keep herself safe. and thats how she thinks she is going to be safe, because thats what has worked. in fact, she was doing it because she wants jen to be safe, too. 
shes doing the best she can with what she has, but her childhood was terrible and she never had the opportunity to form normal, more effective, adult-life socially applicable crisis management skills. all she did get was what she had to do as a child, to protect herself in a horribly twisted way, because she was a child who did not get to grow up in the way everyone else did. she missed out on a lot of things that you gain when youre not under extreme pressure just to survive and hide major problems while also having to live with those major problems. she didnt get to learn how to find more subtle ways of getting information, or when it was better to just not interact at all. 
what she learnt let her live back then, it prevented her world from unravelling. how can she be expected to let go of those makeshift survival skills? how can she be expected to go against the instincts that have clearly saved her before? how can she be expected to confront her slowly growing understanding that her life should never have been like that, that she was robbed of her childhood, that she has had a horrible thing happen to her, that countless horrible things have happened to her, how can she be expected to accept that she deserved better than she has ever gotten? how can she be expected to allow herself all these feelings and fears she has been pushing down her entire life?
admitting/realising that she doesnt know what to do, that she isnt safe and cant control the situation by herself, means admitting far too much: it means admitting that she was never meant to be capable of coping by herself, that she actually couldnt cope with literally everything life threw her way no matter what - shes not okay, she didnt have some supernatural ability to somehow deal with everything, and she wasnt supposed to. that her mother knowingly put her in an unsafe situation, and she was not meant to just learn how to cope.
i dont think jen does or really truly can currently realise that, but i hope she starts to see that if she learns more about judy’s mom and all... she definitely didnt get that judy was stressed and actually doing what she thought was great, and also that what she has been doing isnt out of naivety or something, but kind of the opposite - more like she knows too much, has been too exposed, and now shes just applying those things here but it doesnt work here.
38 notes · View notes
millennialzadr · 5 years
Text
WHY I LOVE ZADR!!!
HEY GUYS WHASSUP? LMAO
So this is a whole ass giant long post of me absolutely spewing my feelings of love for ZADR, it was the very first thing I wrote when I made this blog and I think it’s a nice, positive thing for my fellow shippers to inhale and enjoy 👌👌
it was originally a reply to mitarashiart’s post about why HE loves ZADR (link in replies) but I decided to delete that and make my own post since MY WHOLE ENTIRE TEXT WALL WAS SHOWN IN THE REPLIES and drowned out anyone else who was trying to talk (thanks tumblr mobile u fuckin idiot)
I had also posted a summary of an AU that I’m working on in the original post, but decided to remove it since it just about doubled the length (I’m thinking about posting it separately along with the wips I’ve been putting together, we’ll see 👀)
But ANYWAY, here is about a million reasons why I think ZADR is the fucking best, so if you like reading gushy gay ship feelings, please enjoy ❤️❤️❤️
[Posted June 2019][WARNING, LONG ASS THOUGHT BARF]
SOOO, holy hell y’all my journey back into this fandom has been a wild and unique experience for me, i went from adding invader zim to my bookmarks on kisscartoon, rewatching the series, finding out theres a movie coming out, finding out there was a shitload of content i’d never seen before (commentaries, lost episode scripts and audios, panels, the COMIC, episodes i’d never seen because the dvd i used to watch was scratched!! and a FUCKLOAD of quality modern fan art like oh my GOD) and finally curiously googling ‘zadr’ (which i was way into when i was maybeee 13/14) to see if there was any interesting new art, and holy hell, mita (the artist above) singlehandedly THREW me down the hole into modern zadr hell, first with his absolutely stunning IZ art (all his art is dope tho check him out yo), then reading the above explanation put the final nail in the coffin like, 100%
so i wanted to add onto his post here on why this ship got me so fucked up, both for anyone who might be wondering why on earth i’m shipping two characters from a kid’s show (i’m very aware how weird that is at first glance trust me) and also so i can get some ideas down for possible future reference (will i ever draw them? maybe)
(first of all, a disclaimer, and this is not pleasant to write but it’s important to address for clarity’s sake: I have no interest in romantic or sexual relationships between minors, and do not ship zim and dib as they are presented canonically in the show (as children). what i’m interested in is the conceptualized relationship they may have as modern adults, and i view zadr more as taking the concepts of existing characters and experimenting with them with different interpretations, which i personally think is a constructive and fun creative outlet, especially if these characters hold personal significance for you (childhood faves of course). growing up together is an important facet of their relationship, and certainly they were important to each other even as children (see: mopiness of doom) but as an adult i’m personally curious about what kind of adults they might’ve become, and that’s the focus of my interest. i’ll still be reblogging regular IZ art because it’s dope but if you see shippy looking art of them as tiny lil beans its either friendship or chibis (and i personally headcanon zim as getting taller with dib but some people stick with his canonical height when drawing them as adults, which is super short. it still doesn’t mean he’s a kid). aaand i wish i didnt have to write this and it would just be obvious but we live in a sick sad world and it is sourced from a children’s cartoon so i feel its necessary. end of disclaimer)
NOW THAT THAT’S OUT OF THE WAY
- ok, first reason’s a bit obvious - the nostalgia. holy hell, the feeling of rediscovering a ship that was popular when i was a preteen during the mid 2000s and discovering a totally new perspective on it as an adult comes with an almost totally overwhelming sense of nostalgia and comfort, as well as inspiration!! the kind of art that seems so common for zadr, these sketch pages of scenes and expressions and visual gags where artists would just scribble every idea they had and LOVE doing it, this was exactly the kind of art that made me so passionate about drawing as a kid, and it still sparks such a powerful feeling of love and admiration for me to this day. fan content of iz and zadr is simultaneously achingly familiar and totally new and fascinating, and it just makes me SO damn happy to consume, it is most definitely my new comfort content. and just, GOD. THE ART!! SO GOOD. FUCK
- now for the characters themselves: for some reason i just really love the thought of a mid twenties, modern Dib?? lanky goth dork, disaster bi, depressed as shit, uses bad sweaters and memes to cope?? when i was a kid i didn’t even LIKE Dib, but now i totally sympathize with him! he’s just a hyper obsessive nerd wishing there was more to life than the situation he got stuck with, how wildly relatable. he was a pretty big asshole as a kid (even to people besides zim) but he was also totally isolated and constantly bullied, so there’s a lot of room for growth. i feel there’s a lot of juicy character development potential for that boy, and there’s always been a special place in my heart for characters who are totally sad and screwed and hopeless, but there’s one thing, or person, that means the world to them and could possibly save them…
- aliens. Zim. i love nonhuman characters, i love monsters, i love aliens, i love characters that don’t understand human shit (and thus have much less room for shame or fear bc theyre just totally oblivious the negatives of modern society) and need guidance (bonding!!) from their human. i also love morally grey characters and characters with skewed logic, they’re always really interesting, and Zim himself just has such a unique personality and set of mannerisms, he contradicts himself a lot and you can never quite expect how he’ll behave, and i love that in a character, it makes them super versatile and fun, especially since there’s so many different possibilities for their development. Also, Zim is a gremlin, a little shit, and a disaster. I also love those traits in a character. And don’t even get me started on his character design?? big sparkly eyes? expressive antennae? monster teeth? complimenting colors? he’s adorable.
- mutual obsession. for someone like Dib, who seems almost repulsed by how boring and slow the people around him are, Zim quite literally personifies Dib’s  escapist fantasies, both as an inhuman entity from beyond the stars, and as a person who’s knowledge, charisma and mystery far exceeds that of anyone Dib has met in his entire life. (so basically what i’m saying is that for a shunned, jaded misanthropist, an actual alien is terribly alluring, even if said alien is dangerous, stupid, and possibly insane). not to mention Zim vindicates Dib’s entire life passion, the supernatural! Even when their relationship is totally negative, there is not a single inch of room for Dib to get tired of Zim. as mita explained, they validate each other. for Zim, WHO AGAIN, IS TOTALLY SHUNNED, ISOLATED, AND HATED BY EVERYONE HE KNOWS, Dib is the only person in the universe who gives a single shit about him!! he gives Zim credit as a threat, a capable invader, which if you ask me is the sole thing Zim is after (he’s hellbent on his mission because it would win him the approval of the tallest, all he’s ever wanted is recognition from the people he thinks so highly of). He literally gets depressed when Dib isn’t around to pay attention to him, not even the tallest were enough to motivate him before Dib came back. these two have no one and nothing without each other, and while lifelong nemeses is fine and dandy, i personally prefer friendship, affection and love, cause i’m a softie like that. how could they possibly get there after years of actively trying to kill each other?? well, i think under just the right circumstances it could become a possibility after a long, long time.
- growth. i. love. me. some. good. character growth. especially for characters with trauma/mental illness, bc again, relatable. these boys have issues, and as mita mentioned, their canon stories are actually INCREDIBLY sad! but the happy thought is, they could recover! they could help each other recover, for little reason other than the two are the only source of happiness for each other. now of course this also opens the gate for angst lovers, but at the same time offers potential for comforting, uplifting content of the boys supporting and inspiring each other, maybe even to the point of becoming happy and healthy enough to create the lives they want for themselves (as in appreciating life and doing things that make them actually happy instead of the delusions of grandeur they both sought when they were younger). gimme that positive shit and let the poor beans be happy  щ(ಠ益ಠщ)
- LITTLE THINGS. LITTLE THINGS THAT ONLY COME WITH CHILDHOOD FRIENDS. WITH HUMAN/NONHUMAN. WITH THE SHOW’S WEIRD LOGIC. Zim being the person Dib knows best and vice versa. Zim having an involuntary respect/admiration for Dib because he’s tall. Learning each other’s needs, limits, and communication methods, both emotionally and biologically. Sensitive antennae. Affectionate bickering. Being less insecure bc your partner literally has no idea why you see your flaws as flaws. Laughing at the flaws they do notice because they make no sense. Zim only wanting to eat waffles and chow mein. Dib being forced to overcome his depression lethargy and stay hygienic/keep the apartment clean because Zim has a sharper sense of smell and is afraid of germs. Endless conversation about anything and everything because they’re from literally different worlds, and endless intrigue. TOUCHING. TALKING. DOING EVERYTHING LIKE ITS THE VERY FIRST TIME AND ALWAYS NEEDING THE OTHER TO GUIDE THEM. HOLY HELL THERE IS SO MUCH POSSIBILITY FOR TINY LITTLE MOMENTS THAT MEAN THE WORLD. FUCK. GOT ME FUCKED UP.
so that wraps up the why. fuck man. its just such a good ship. if you read this big ass text post, thank you for indulging me, i hope you enjoyed it! because i enjoy it very much 👀 so stick around if you’d like to for a shit load of IZ and zadr content on this blog, possibly (MAYBE) even from me!! come roll around in alien hell with me why dontcha ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ its a fun time! thanks for reading!!!
-
SO THAT’S MY MANIFESTO Y’ALL, FEEL FREE TO REPLY WITH YOUR OWN REASONS!! I WOULD LOVE FOR THIS POST TO JUST BECOME A BIG GIANT PILE OF LOVE AND YELLING!! GO NUTS! SCREAM ABOUT IT! INFODUMP! DO WHATEVER YOU WANT! I’LL READ EVERY LAST REPLY! Y’ALL DESERVE TO ENJOY YOUR SHIP BC IT’S LITERALLY THE FUCKING BEST!!! LOVE Y’ALL!!!!!!
Tumblr media
342 notes · View notes
growingingreenwood · 4 years
Note
So basically the reason I’m feeling so alone is because I’m nonbinary and I’m out to my friends and they’re really supportive and that’s really nice but I’m not out to my parents because they’re transphobic and lately I’ve just been really dysphoric and every time I hear them use my dead name or incorrect pronouns it just feels like a bullet in my side and I want so badly to be out to them so that I can get a binder and wear clothes that are comfortable for me and use my real name -🏳️‍🌈 (1/2)
another thing that’s bothering me is I’m out to my parents as a lesbian and I have lesbian pride stuff but what if nonbinary lesbian isn’t valid and I have to reinvent my identity? And I’m not out to my best friend because he’s super sheltered and only just recently started to learn that lgbtq+ isn’t bad and I know he’ll support me but I’m worried about losing his parents’ support because they’re like my second set of parents and I love them and I don’t want to have them disown me -🏳️‍🌈 (2/2So this is an add on to my 2 part (now three part) ask. I think my dad might actually be the only one of my parents that’s transphobic. I’m worried that I’m going to tear their marriage apart by being who I am (3/2) -🏳️‍🌈
--I tried to put in a read more link. Didnt work--
Hello my love, I want to firstly apologize for the late response to these questions. I was wary of trying to answer them on my own without any personal experience with this particular situation, because I know how important this situation is important to you. I had reached out to a friend with personal experience but have not heard back about their contribution. So I will answer with the info I have gathered in my psyc classes/ research I've done the past few days/ and helping friends through similar situations. 
I am obviously, by no means an expert, and anybody is welcome to add their KIND, RESPECTFUL, SUPPORTIVE, and HELPFUL advice or stories as well. 
I’ll start with your best friend: 
When I came out as Asexual (I’m acutally Demi-sexual but I didn’t know that yet) to my best friend at the time, I started by sort of… expressing that I felt my current identity wasn’t fitting quite right for me. It felt like something was off with the way I was trying to live my life and be me, I just didn’t know what it was yet. I explained my feelings to her the best I could without applying labels (I was SOOOO stressed because she has a super high sexdrive and works at an adult toy store and all that so yeah) 
So I explained to her that I just didn’t understand what books/songs/ and movies were referring to when they talked about this “sexual attraction you literally cannot resist) because the concept is literally absurd to me. She asked about all of my favriote celebreities and if I would have sex with them or not, and I told her that the thought for real disgusted me. I explained that I had literally never once at any random human and even thought about kissing them, or having them in my space in any romantic way at all. 
A few days later I cam back to her and told her about some research that I had done, and that I had found something that I thought might fit me better. I brought a little quote somebody had written online about how they felt as an Asexual to help those who were questioning themselves help to figure it out. And I pointed out all the places we felt the same. I told her how much better it made me feel to have this label, this one that finally fit because it stopped the thoughts that there was something wrong with me. 
Your best freinds is new to the community, so maybe start by telling him about a really beautiful story about an individual who discovered their Non-binaryr identity and how wonderfully it touched their lives. How it helped to heal their lives. Explain in a greater detail what it means to be Non-binary. Give him a chance to adjust to the idea of the identity, while you continue to talk about it positively. 
Then when you do come out to him, just remember how much he loves you. It might be helpful to ask him at the start of the conversation to not interrupt you or ask questions until you’re done talking or explaining the situation. Another tactic that I often use for really difficult news, is to write it all in a letter and go sit in another room while they read it. This way, you have the freedom to write and rewrite the letter however many times that you want until it sounds how you want it to. In this discussion, you could ask him not to tell his paretns until you are ready for more people to know. Remind him that you’re telling him this because he is your best friend, and you need his support and love now more than ever. Perhapes ask him to do some research on his own before he really decides anything.  
For your parents: 
Coming out to your parents is…… literally so scary. And there is really never a food time in which to do it. Having to live while keeping this secret from them can be so hard, I understand that so much. But your safety is also the #1 priority right now. 
If it is not safe for you to do so, now might be the time unless you can set up arrangements to stay somewhere else for an extended period of time. You are a beautiful person, and the world needs you here, safe, and full of love still. So please, be careful. 
To start, perhaps ask them to use a nickname instead? Perhaps say that friends at school gave it to you or something, and it makes you really happy to hear it. Or that you’ve recently met somebody with the same name as you that you STRONGLY dislike and don’t want to ‘share’ the name with them. Is there any way to start to slowly transition your clothing? 
For example: If your usual style right now is something like yoga pants maybe swap that for a pair of jeans that aren't super form fitting. Instead of getting a binder right away, invest in some really high quality sports bras. It isn’t the exact same effect, but it might help in the meantime and is much safer than using things like tensor bandages. 
If they question this change in dress, perhapes tell them that this is the new style at your school. Or a new trend started by your favorite celebrity. Tell them you’re bored of your old look and wanted something new for a change. Perhaps if you make the changes ‘slowly’ per say it won’t be as jarring to them. 
If you still decide this is a good and appropriate time for you to come out to your parents, it might be a good idea to have the discussion with your mother first. If you think that only your dad is homophobic/transphobic. That way it will be less likely that you will be interrupted during your heartfelt explanations, and your mom should (theoretically) be more open to the idea. It might help you figure out the best ways to tell your dad, but also you’ll have an ‘ally’ of sorts when it happens too. 
More care should be taken into your information and resources, I think, when you tell them. Such as printing out a sheet of websites to help parents to ‘cope’ with their child telling them of their new non-binrary identity. If you want, you can even find the one you connect with most and print it, give that to them on paper with links listed after it. 
Statistics might be nice, like having how many non-binaryr or genderfluid people live in the same city/ state / country as you so that it does not seem so uncommon for them. 
Here is a sample sentence to get things started for you:
“Even though you may see me as a woman, on the inside, I am not a woman and I am not a man. I’ve been using the word ‘genderqueer’ or ‘non-binary’ to describe my gender, which means that I don’t identify with either. If you placed me on a spectrum, with ‘masculine’ being at one end and ‘feminine’ being at the other, I’m somewhere in-between. Identifying as genderqueer has made me feel so much better because being seen as a woman or a male made me feel so distressed and unhappy. Like I was forced into a box at birth that nobody would let me out of it”
Analogies might also be helpful, as it can help frame this new information to them into a more familiar manner. Like this: “Imagine if someone just assumed that you liked ketchup on your hotdogs without even asking you. For your entire life, they refused to put anything on your hotdogs but ketchup – even though you know, deep down, you like relish.
Finally, you decide to come out and say that you like relish. But every time you ask for relish, people say to you, “If you don’t like ketchup, you must like mustard. There are only two options.There are obviously more than two ways to eat a hotdog, just like there are more than two ways to express and explore gender, but society seems fixated on hotdogs with ketchup or mustard – and nothing else.
Similarly, society seems to think there are only two valid options when it comes to gender – man or woman – when there are actually lots of other ways to embody gender, and even ways of having no gender at all.” 
A good strategy for serious conversation is to use a lot of “I felt” or “I feel” statements. That way, you are still expressing yourself and your feelings while also not making them feel like you are attacking them directly or anything. For example, a good sentence might be to say: “
I feel afraid that if you knew who I really was, that I would lose you,” or “I have been feeling very alone lately, and I’m hopeful that now I won’t be.” 
Lastly, I would suggest being prepared to tell everybody but especially your parents exactly what you need from them in this situation. You may be familiar with all of this terminology and stuff but they arn’t. This is alien territory to them, help them help you by making the things you require them to do or change as clears as possible. Maybe write down a list. 
Stop using my dead name. (Maybe work together on a good nickname with them to use instead? When my friend transitioned from FTM, when he legally changed his name he went with “Emmet” instead of “August” like he wanted, so that his mother could still call him “Em” which had been his nickname since childhood, as he was born with the name ‘Emily.” This might help your parents feel like they still have ‘their’ child still.\
I need to change the way that I am dressing, because it makes me feel very uncomfortable and self consciousness. 
And whatever else you might need form them. 
My beautiful little bean, if you come out to your parents and one of them wants to support you, and one of them doesn't and it ends up breaking them up, I’m certain that they had differences fundamental enough that its probably for the best. And if they didn’t have fundamental differences, they do now. 
One of them took the fundamental concept of parenthood seriously and one didn't: The concept of loving and supporting your child for as long as you’re around on the earth to do so. 
I don’t really think the difference could possibly be more fundamental. 
Sometimes, it takes people a while to get used to the idea. If they react negatively now, they might still change their minds the more they think it over / see how much it means to you. Some people (like my own mom) H A T E change. Hate it. And their first response is always to go on the defensive without thinking. I think you all will have to remind yourselves and eschither to have patients with this.
Remember: Your worth as a human can never change, no matter how much it may feel like it can. You are starting your journey to find the home and the body that you were made to find, its scary, so so so scary. So take your time, enjoy your path. Take deep breaths. Others will ALWAYS love you for the divine creation that you are. The worlds is always ready for you to meet the next ones to love you.
I hope this has helped a little bit at least. I love you. 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛
13 notes · View notes
cheswirls · 5 years
Text
tether notes 3/3
attached links
reference maps
pt 4 drawings
pkmn team graphics for 5 char
big bang art one / two
timeline
[this is very loose and only goes chronologically, so some points may happen years apart from each other]
caesar, under the family, begins research on creating an artificial arceus
the river from law’s village becomes polluted, and lami gets sick
everyone in law’s village dies. he travels to alola
corazon, the ula’ula kahuna, gets wind of caesar’s experiments
law joins the family in alola
law meets corazon, and shortly after embarks on an island challenge
after getting a special material on poni island, law meets with corazon, who tells him he was planning to turn the family over to the international police
corazon dies, and law escapes the family with one type:null
law ends up in the kalos region
luffy meets shanks, and learns about aura
luffy leaves for the sinnoh region to train with shanks for the first time
ace and sabo set off on a journey through the kanto region
luffy is given his second pokemon, a buizel, by shanks, to help cope with the loss of his brothers
sabo and ace return to travel kanto once more
sabo’s accident occurs; he’s hospitalized, but convinces ace to continue traveling
ace dies in an accident; sabo takes striker, his charizard, and leaves the sevii islands
luffy starts his journey looking for sabo
a band of pokemon poachers begins to grow more prominent in sinnoh; it’s led by caesar, who escaped capture at alola all those years ago
dragon’s group arrives in the sinnoh region
marguerite, a close confident with the sinnoh champion, goes missing
shanks sends luffy a letter; law boards a boat for sinnoh from kalos
the sinnoh champion, boa hancock, contacts shanks about marguerite
dragon arrives at snowpoint and meets with kokoro
aisa goes missing
tama goes missing and, catching word of this, shanks heads to tsuru from his meeting point with luffy
anana goes missing
luffy arrives in the sinnoh region
chimney goes missing, and shanks sets off to go look for all the missing girls
luffy migrates to jubilife, thinking it was veilstone; law arrives in the sinnoh region
shanks is captured and loses contact with boa hancock
dragon separates from his group, going off on his own
law and luffy meet in jubilife
-
the battle zone’s real-life location is a formerly-japanese-but-now-russian island called sakhalin. the lower half, specifically. the other island on the map where the pokemon league sits is based off a chain of japanese-owned islands that i can’t remember the name of and am too busy to look up right now. sakhalin is pretty barren, pretty remote, and pretty unpopulated. it’s also colder than hokkaido, being further north, but bc the pokemon-equivalent has an active volcano, the climate balances out.
i spent more time researching sakhalin on google earth than i did actually writing the entire travel part of part 4. like, an absurd amount of time. more than i needed to. but the result is a good portrayal, and an accurate, effortless one. here’s some geography stuff.
1. the squatty plants on sinnoh’s route 225 are probably stone pines. i say probably, bc i still came away unsure, but this was my best conclusion. i cross-referenced sakhalin flora with what i was seeing on google earth, paired with what was most common since these trees are everywhere in the battle zone. specifically they’re japanese stone pines, so more of a squatty bush than an actual tree. (also called dwarf siberian pines, or the genus name of the dwarf version, pinus pumila) in pokemon verse, i chose aguav berries as the pine’s fruit since the seeds grow in pink bundles, like an aguav plant in-game. also, an unripe pinecone is greet, so there’s that too. 
2. southern sakhalin, that i can remember, doesn’t actually have black-sand beaches. there’s one in platinum off the base of stark mountain, but since that’s aniva bay area of sakhalin, it doesn’t match up great. the only thing similar is in northeastern sakhalin, off the sea of okhotsk, where dark mud will collect on the coast and turn the beach dark. i wrote it off as a game mechanic, saying ‘it’s from the ash from the volcano’, or something like that, and then referenced beaches in iceland that are actual black-sand beaches and really pretty. 
3. aniva bay is southern sakhalin, essentially. it’s a fork, and in the middle is where the black sand beach is in platinum. in actuality, aniva bay is not that big. there’s a lighthouse off one fork, not tall or anything impressive, but it’s there. at one point i wanted law and luffy to sail in (i saw sail, i mean like surf on a pokemon okay) past the lighthouse, and go through the bay, and stop on the black sand beach. this was before i knew most anything about part four, though, and soon the idea was scrapped as i deviated towards the cargo ship taking them to fight area. also, aniva bay isn’t deep enough for whales to flop around in, and i realize since i called it a bay in tether that that should also hold true, but i did say it was a wailmer so let’s jus forget that inaccuracy and say its okay bc the whale is tiny.
4. stark mountain was a challenge i spent. so long. so so long. trying to find the  mountain range it was based off of. pokemon wikipedia was no help, bc sakhalin is huge. if i was gonna do anything for the pokemon community, i’d wanna go and edit articles to include real-life landmarks that in-game ones were based on. i think the closest thing i found to a once-volcano was more into the northern half of sakhalin, so after spending too much time looking into it, i jus wrote based on screenshots of stark mountain, and on my own intuition. also, yea, i used video game logic the closer they got to the volcano. please don’t depict characters holding cloth over their mouths to protect from sulfur ash if youre going for accuracy, bc thats not going to help. 
5. the survival area and the ainu village. i wrote a little about the ainu in part one, while exploring law’s village. my main amount of research went into the ainu’s of sakhalin, though. it’s all sorta the same culture, since they all got kicked out migrated to hokkaido anyway, but there are a few differences. the sheer rock cliff is part of a sakhalin photoset i referenced, so it does exist, somewhere. yes, there are bears in sakhalin, perhaps even more than hokkaido, since it’s less-human-populated. but, again, also colder. i realize survival area is a settlement in platinum, but also.. its really small? and kinda nothing, tbh. so i transformed it into an ainu village, since it’s so outta the way of the other two areas down on each fork of the bay, and it’s closer to the volcano, where the fire goddess resides.
the ainu are the indigenous population of japan. i mentioned before, if you’ve read fma or one of arakawa’s spreads, you’ve probably heard of them. in fma, they’re the race that the ishvalans are based off of. nowadays, they reside in hokkaido, and a while ago they used to reside in lower sakhalin. i couldn’t figure up a creative name for tether for them and i was in so much of a time crunch that in the end i didnt bother, sue me. researching the ainu was most definitely one of the more time-consuming tasks. i spent a long time reading. i watched, after a good recommendation, all two seasons of golden kamuy (an excellent portrayal of hokkaido!ainu, btw, jus not exactly what i was going for) and all one season of sirius the jaegar, where i got the most help from. marking maps and writing the outline (and making myself remember why i dont ever outline. ever.) were definitely time-consuming, but ainu research was by far the most hours i spent on a task for tether (besides like, writing it.) 
i still don’t feel like i did enough research, so the cultural things i did include i tried to keep vague to keep from portraying wrong. the bear ceremonies, the signs of summer through salmon (finneon) hunting and huki harvesting, the bear cub raising, the ripping of clothing in a funeral procession, and the kamuy (ainu gods) are all real things and part of ainu culture. woman tattoo their lips, yes. the patterns of the clothing are distinctive (also warm, bc they’ve always been This Far North, and tether!law is a bastardization of forgotten ainu culture pls dont look at his sleeveless top next to his wooden earrings i beg you) there are lots of things i could go into, but im jus gonna leave it vague again and say if you’re super interested, go find an article or watch golden kamuy. 
there wasn’t a lot of pokemon depicted in the wilds of the battle zone, and for reason. at this point i really wanted to keep true to sakhalin, so i stuck with the fauna native there, and the pokemon native to sinnoh, and if i didn’t include any pokemon that actually appear in the battle zone in platinum? oops. my house my rules. anyway so horses, dogs, wolves, bears. rapidash, eevee, luxray line, ursaring line.. that covers it, right? oh, and fearow. okay, so i did include one pokemon from platinum’s battle zone. also wailmer, there was a wailmer. 
why did you include baroque works into dragon’s group?
so. i wrote tether while the vivre cards were coming out. specifically, right before i was supposed to have started writing part 4, the alabasta pack came out, and i was so taken with goldenweek’s real name that i re-read little garden and stuck her into the story. bentham was.. k, no lie, in my mind he’s like a pseudo-rev member? i jus associate hm so heavily with ivankov, and i read a fic once where he was iva’s student and since then i’ve jus always had to include him in rev stuff so that’s why he’s here. plus i love him. good enough, right? and those two are the only ones, so it’s not entirely baroque works. i don’t rly consider bentham bw anymore, like i said, he’s kinda a pseudo-rev. and i jus rly liked marianne’s name. also her, now. tether!marianne is cool. 85% of the story’s sass.
april 9th is both caesar and marguerite’s birthday. i think in the beginning i was searching for characters that share birthdays for a plot point, and when i settled on caesar i settled on marguerite eventually for this reason just so i could make the whole ‘it’s not his bday its mine!!’ joke. and then i formed the whole story on it being late march-early april and based the weather off that.
law’s sixth pokemon. see, i told you revealing it was strategic! you all were expecting null, right? and then out pops silvally. well, it’s been so many years, so it’s natural they would’ve figured out love and trust and such and breaking the mask and evolving. still! aaaa, that felt so good to write. 
there’s more of a metaphor with silvally, even more with umbreon, that i was going for. something along the lines of a captured being being granted escape, bonding with someone, coming back to get due vengeance with the old captor, showing how much more they had become. with umbreon, it was more thing-i-protected-grew-into-something-that-now-protects-me aka her helping law through his nightmares, being a generally supportive and kind pokemon like someone law knew wink wink. also literally protect, with the whole casear thing.
okay mind control time. i reread pt 4 real quick before writing the notes, and im still not completely satisfied with how shanks broke free. i tried to hard to research good mind control depictions but i was more interested in figuring out how the mind control ended rather than the state of being, and there weren’t many promising results other than the victim dying, which wasn’t helpful. i knew i didn’t want it to be the whole i-love-you-so-snap-out-of-it thing, thats so cheesy and kinda ridiculous tbh. i think luffy confronting shanks’ inner self directly and convincing him to step out is nice, but if you pay attention closer to the scenes and how they match up, you might notice something that aids this.
so, it wasn’t just luffy. i know a lot goes on in latter half of pt 4, and all the scenes are disjointed. law and umbreon and silvally defeat gengar before shanks awakes properly. it was luffy, yes, that convinced him everything was going to be okay, and to not falter. but since gengar was knocked unconscious, the control over shanks was already waning to begin with. it was more like, he was already fine, and out of the cycle, but the trauma kept him from realizing it until luffy came. does that help? so basically, it wasn’t luffy talking alone, it was defeating gengar, like luffy had thought of previously. and then it was helping shanks thorugh it, because you don’t just bounce back from that. thats why i wrote shanks Like That in the remaining scenes.
while not in the best conditions as lab 3, labs 1 and 2 were fully-operational and secure facilities, so if you were questioning why sabo and law (mortally injured, mind you -two stab wounds, ow) would just leave the people and pokemon next to a burning lab, it’s because it was secure and the fire contained. the base was inside a volcano, guys, there’s no way the rooms werent airtight to prevent an accident. imagine being That Guy that fucked something up and led to the active volcano erupting. of course they took precautions. also, sabo had been working in the base for a bit, so if he thought the people were gonna catch fire, he wouldn’t have left them.
koala having aromatisse was purely for plot purposes, for it’s hidden ability. i needed a psychic type, and if i haven’t mentioned, dragon’s group are based in kalos, so it had to be from there. it fits though, maybe, right? anywa, yea, that’s why sabo has a delphox and salamence after he fucks off for two years, because he was in kalos. (this is what i’m referring to, if you haven’t clicked on any of those links.)
Law takes Luffy’s hand and leads them backwards, until they’re out of sight again
and, finally, my favorite moment of tether, when lawlu graduates from arms to wrists to finally holding hands. /cries so proud
k but what’s with that ending?
fun fact time i always knew how i wanted to end tether. from the moment of its conception, even before i finished writing part 1 (before i started, really, back when i was gathering material) i knew it ended with dragon in front of the statue of giratina. insert obligatory sequel joke here marianne mentions, before the trio ventures into the base, that her group’s leader wouldn’t appreciate having to halt his own agenda to help them with taking out the hunters. giratina was this agenda. 
originally, before i started on pt 2, i thought abt law/lu taking a different route. i wanted them to go north, up through eterna forest and to eterna city, and examine the statue of dialga. then go east from there, still taking them through coronet, but then through celestic town and seeing the cave painting of the lake guardians. i also really wanted them to go to lake valor, since it was the only lake they could conceivably go to on their way to veilstone. i thought about switching pastoria for snowpoint and encountering sabo at lake acuity. none of this worked out, but it was all supposed to reference back into dragon and giratina and sinnoh lore. instead i turned it fully into a travel fic and then a rescue op, at the end. it’s still interesting to think how the story could’ve changed, had they gone up to eterna before crossing through coronet. 
in all honesty i wanted to end the story on a surprise note. almost like a goosebumps ending, where everything is resolved and then at the very end there’s a quick scene that leaves you grasping for more, leaves you questioning. (also like certain op chapters leaving you with zero answers and more questions than you started with, fuck you, oda) it wasn’t until i was almost done with part 4 that i started to kinda miss tether, even tho i wasnt done yet but my outline had been done for a bit so i kinda was? and then i remembered back in november when i created concepts for ace and sabo before i even wrote that one scene in mt coronet, and i remembered thinking so much about their story, and their travels, and sabo’s accident. and then, not long after i finished with part 4, i had a startling idea, and i had a first line of a maybe sequel, and i started to put a little more thought into it.
if you’re looking for confirmation, this isn’t it. this is saying i have an idea i’d like to explore. maybe. tether took a lot of work, and a lot of time. it definitely doesn’t have as much feedback as i would like it to, for me to invest in a full-fledged sequel. if i start this, if i ever do, it’ll definitely be more lax, and a chapter-by-chapter sort of thing. i guess it just comes down to how many people are actually interested in it.
3 notes · View notes
sunlitroom · 5 years
Text
Gotham – s5e05 – Pena Dura
 As I watched it, and some random observations here and there.
Previously on Gotham:
Selina went stab stabbity stab. Alfred told Bruce he can’t save Selina from herself.  Ed woke up on a rooftop.  Jim gave speech #357 on the value of hope. Then Haven exploded, proving that hope can only do so much against an RPG. Jim’s been promised help for weeks!  He also won’t stop until he finds who’s responsible for Haven.  Ed was responsible for Haven, albeit in a weird trance-like state.  Jim stared at the charred remains of Haven.
As always, long post will be long.  There are likely to be rambling digressions. Gobblepot might appear (although I welcome all shippers and non-shippers alike :)).  There will be naked favouritism and naked not-favouritism.  Broader comments at the end on plotlines and parallels and general direction.
In a church, a man is watching an old black and white film.  From what I can figure out from the actors involved and the character names, it’s a George Brent film called Tangier Incident.  It’s not a particularly interesting film.  He is, however, in a good creepy film called The Spiral Staircase, which I recommend.
Anyway
Jim and Harvey approach him, guns drawn, and ask him turn around.  Apparently, he’s the one who sold the RPGs.  He seems pretty unimpressed by them, and rather insolently asks if they’re going to arrest him.
Jim says he wants a name. Old film guy addresses some unseen minions
What do you say boys?  You wanna show the lawman how we feel about uninvited guests?
No-one is backing down. The stand-off is broken up by the arrival of lots of large people dropping through the stained-glass ceiling, who promptly take the thugs out.
While this is happening, Jim wrestles the weapons dealer/film enthusiast.  He still wants a name.  The fight is pretty even until the old guy is shot in the head.
We now get a slow-motion shot of shiny army boots approaching to some foreboding music.  Jim rises, frowning in confusion as shiny boots man removes the mask covering his face.
Eduardo?
Nice shot right?
We get the military music we last had with Barnes to let us know that Jim likely met this man in the army. His men are still pointing guns, one at Harvey, so he tells them stand down.
Jim asks Eduardo what he’s doing here.  He tells Jim he last saw him running through sniper fire to save him from a burning truck.
Jim claims he had the old guy where he wanted him – but he’s glad he’s here. Eduardo says he is too
 They wander through the church chatting. Jim tells Harvey they hated each other in boot camp. Jim thought Eduardo did things too fast, while Eduardo thought Jim was too careful.
A sarcastic Harvey says that Jim’s taught him a thing or two about being careful.  
Jim and Eduardo lapse into military jargon – talking about the mission plan. Eduardo says that they’re helping Walker (the woman Jim’s been talking to on the radio). They’ve to make this hellhole safe.
Jim, disgruntled, comments that all it apparently took for them to be sent help was the murder of hundreds.  Eduardo says they’ve to remove all criminal elements and make the city safe.  He introduces his second in command, who hands Jim a ledger they’ve found.  On it – we see Ed’s name against two RPGs.
Jim turns to Harvey. He and Eduardo will go after Ed. Harvey is to set up a command centre at GCPD.  Harvey protests.
I’m not as fast as I used to be, but I still got some fight in me. I’m not some desk jockey – I’m a street guy
Jim says Harvey’s the best cop he knows.  Ed tends to think ahead.  If this goes sideways, Harvey will need to take over.
I need your help buddy
Harvey nods.
GCPD where Bruce runs into Alfred.  Alfred tells him Jim isn’t there – they’ve got a strong lead in the Haven bombing. He asks Bruce what’s wrong.
Bruce tells him worriedly that he can’t find Selina anywhere. Alfred replies that Selina is capable of looking after herself.  Bruce says that she’s not herself, though.   Alfred pulls a face and tells him that Jeremiah deserved to die.  A resentful and upset Bruce says that Jeremiah made Selina a murderer – just like Ra’s did him.
(An aside.  Much like Alfred, I don’t really have a problem with Selina stabbing Jeremiah.  But this is only one of many times this episode will get a bit forgetful.  Selina was a murderer before she killed Jeremiah, Bruce.   You were there when she shoved that guy out the window.  Not that I really have any time for Alfred’s ex-army friend who stabbed him and robbed you – but Jeremiah wasn’t the first time she’s killed)
Alfred quibbles this, claiming that Ra’s goaded Bruce into murder, but Selina did what she did with open eyes
And you’ve got to learn to respect that son
Bruce wants to find her, though, and leaves – as Alfred watches.
(An aside - Eh.  On one hand, yes – Selina can make her own decisions.  She has autonomy.  On the other hand – Selina did what she did while still struggling to cope with the trauma of Jeremiah shooting her.   Alfred excusing Bruce but condemning Selina – even though he agrees Jeremiah needed to be removed – doesn’t really sit well with me.  On top of all that – Selina’s endangered herself for Bruce on a number of occasions, gone out of her way to help him, in fact.  She’s clearly not coping now – and leaving her to her own devices seems off to me.)
In the library, we see Ed listening to his blackout recordings.  He howls with frustration, unable to establish a pattern.
It makes no sense!
He catches sight of himself in a nearby mirror
You're not a murderer, Ed.  Except Kristin Kringle, and Officer Doherty.
He goes on
But all those people.  And children. How could you do it?  Why?
He roars
It doesn't matter – it’s you - not me
(An aside.  This is really a bit of a mess.  So.  Am I to assume that Ed is being a massive hypocrite, and selectively editing his criminal record?  Or am I to assume that Ed differentiates between murders committed by Ed and those committed by The Riddler?  Maybe, that doesn’t really work here – since some of these were committed before he discovered that persona.  Besides – wasn’t one of the features of his ‘becoming’ his personalities becoming fused?  Or are the writers choosing to forget some of Ed’s other murders?  Who knows.)
Hearing a sound, he turns. It’s Jim and Eduardo – who have arrived to arrest him.  He holds his hands up defensively.
No - Jim - I can explain
Jim is taken aback.
Explain?  You son of a bitch - you actually did it?
(Interesting. Although Ed’s name was in the ledger, Jim doesn’t seem to have thought that Ed was truly responsible – or didn’t want to believe it might be true.)
Eduardo tells Ed to get on his knees.  That’s three Eds in this show now – not counting Ed’s many personalities.  For reference, if they’re all ever in the same scene, the dog is Ed1, the lanky green one is Ed2, and beardy army guy is Ed3.
Ed protests, and says he didn't – but he needs a little bit of time
Eduardo is still pointing his gun – and tells Jim to just say the word.
Ed pleads.  You know me, Jim.  People that I have...hurt - they hurt me first
(Eh? There are multiple gif sets going around which show how ridiculous this remark is.  Ed’s hurt plenty of people just because he wanted to.)
I didn't know a single person in Haven
Eduardo glances at Jim
Your call, buddy – he basically confessed
Ed watches carefully as Jim thinks and then decides,
Bring him in – he stands trial
We’re saying this again? What kind of court will this be? Who is the judge?  Lawyers?  Jury?
Ed isn’t enthused by this. He touches a book from the bookcase. Eduardo is apparently standing on pressure-plated ied.  One twitch, and he’ll repaint the room with his organs.  He smiles.  
Jim points his gun. But apparently Ed has also devised some sort of watch that monitors changes in Ed’s heart rate if it deviates by more than 10 bpm up or down, and can cause an explosion - if necessary - from as far as a mile away. Whatever. Apparently, in a fit of sexual frustration after his recent contact with Lucius, Ed sublimated his lustful stirrings into an inventing binge.
Ed and Jim try and stare each other out a bit.  Jim says Ed will be a target once news of his guilt gets out.  Eduardo says he thinks Ed’s threats are bluffs.  Jim says Ed doesn’t bluff.  Well – there was the time with all the cops and the poison gas that turned out just to be sleeping gas, but - hey.  This episode is having severe difficulties remembering details, storyline, characterisation….take your pick.
Jim lets Ed leave. Summarising because this recap is lengthy – Jim uses his cat-like reflexes to leap across the room and finds the right book to free Eduardo – whose whole take on the puzzle is that he’d like
to wring this nerd’s neck
Jim gives him a welcome to Gotham.  Wanting to wring Ed’s neck is just part and parcel of visiting. He adds that the city grows on you, before contacting Harvey and telling him to put the word out: Ed is wanted for the attack on Haven
Bruce strides into Sirens, looking for Selina.  A fairly happy-looking Barbara leads him towards a booth.   With a flourish, she tells the crowd to raise their glasses for the killer of Jeremiah Valeska.  The crowd parts, and we see Selina sitting in a booth with a group of girls.  Is this the booth of Bruce’s downward spiral?  Is this the ‘I am having a long dark night of the soul’ booth?  Do you have to book ahead?  
Selina raises her glass, but her smile is more ironic than anything else.
(An aside. Barbara seemed happy.  It's hard to say whether having the killer of Jeremiah Valeska at her club is bring extra cachet, whether her one-night stand with Jim brought her some closure and happiness, or whether she and Jim are still having sex and she’s pleased about this.)
In some abandoned building, we hear a radio send out the message about Ed being wanted by the police.
A tall skinny man wearing a green suit and eyeglasses
They left out his BritPop hair.
Outside an angry mob gathers and chants.  We see Ed hiding from them, before slipping off.
 At City Hall, Oswald stands, flanked by his henchmen, as a visitor opens a box for him.  Whatever it is seems to make him happy – and he pays the man 200 bullets in return – telling him to go have fun and keep up the good work.  
As the man leaves – Oswald is brought a message
He reads aloud
Edward Nygma is the monster responsible for killing the innocents of Haven
Oswald looks incredulous for a moment, and then worried – wondering aloud,
Ed…what have you done?
The mob from earlier runs past.  Ed hides – but is walloped on the side of the head.
GCPD.  Eduardo tells Jim they’re pushing uptown – but there’s still no Nygma. He’s confident they’ll get him though.  He then asks Jim to tell him about Scarecrow.  Jim says his guys would need gasmasks – but taking him down would be a big one.
We’re on a sort of rural street.  We pan up Ed’s body.  I own those boots.  He’s unconscious and tied to some kind of deck chair.
An older blonde woman leans in towards his face.
Time to wake up!
Forgive me – American readers.  I can only tell that she sounds Southern, which I know isn’t very specific.
She tells Ed she’s the woman who will carry out his execution, along with her two boys – two men, who are sitting in a truck parked facing Ed.
They’ve basically created a makeshift electric chair.  There’s a lot of whooping and laughing as they give Ed a tester jolt.  He yells in pain, gasping when they stop.
The woman tells him that was only a taste.  It’s fair that Ed should die to pay for JoJo, who was in Haven when Ed blew it up.
She holds up a photograph. Ed seems afraid to look at it – then bursts into laughter when he sees it’s a dog.  For good measure – he calls the woman an anthropomorphizing nincompoop when she claimed that JoJo was happy and smiled often.
They give him another burst of electricity.  Ed hallucinates – seeing a spiteful Oswald telling him
I'm going to fix you, Ed
Ed blinks – confused. They jolt him again.  This time he sees a sincere Oswald, repeating the same phrase.
Everything stops when there’s some kind of fault with the electricity.  Ed quickly spots a way to trick them and escape.  In doing so – one of the men’s legs catch fire. As Ed runs off, he declares that he’ll fix Oswald.
 At City Hall, we hear distant explosions.  One of Oswald’s henchmen tells him that the army has invaded and men are heading this way. Oswald asks him if Nygma has been located – to which the man replies he has feelers out.  Oswald tells him the first man to find him gets to live.
Turning, he tells his dog he is surrounded by morons.  If he didn’t have his empire – he’d go get Nygma himself
(An aside – it’s actually something that has been frustrating about Oswald in later seasons. Season One Oswald was very mobile. He moved around a lot: think of all the places we see him.  Fish’s club, Gertrud’s apartment, GCPD, Jim and Barbara’s place, Maroni’s weird lodge, Falcone’s mansion, Loeb’s house…. It helped give a sense of how he had a finger in every pie, but also how much he truly inhabited the city.  He was everywhere.   But after they have him empire building – he becomes much more static.  He’s usually stuck in a grand house or hall, and has to send other people out to do his bidding.)
He spots that the gun on his desk has gone. He turns – and now it’s pointing at his head
It’s Ed2
(Ed gets demoted if the dog is in the same scene)
Hello Oswald.  We have a great deal to talk about.  But first - did you name your dog after me?
(An aside.  You know – that dog is sweet, but the naming decision feels like self-indulgent fic territory.  Unpopular opinion, I know – but there it is.)
 At GCPD, Harvey says Nygma’s been seen at City Hall – he’s going after Oswald.  Eduardo says Oswald is at the top of their list – so this sounds like a twofer
Jim says Oswald has all the ammo in town – so they need shock and awe
Eduardo says that’s his default, and asks Jim if he’s ready to go.
Jim looks a little dubious, and tells him to take Harvey.  He’ll keep things locked down here
(An aside – it’s possible that Jim does this because he wants to salve Harvey’s bruised ego from earlier, although sending him to City Hall with Eduardo to face a heavily-armoured and very irritated Oswald would seem to be a bit of an over-correction of that earlier moment.  It is amusing to consider, though, that Jim did not want Eduardo to witness what would likely have happened at City Hall if Jim had gone instead – i.e. Oswald wheedling his way out of a visit to the precinct, Jim telling Oswald to please be good this time, and then some emotionally vulnerable and sexually charged staring.)
At Sirens, a flippant Selina tells a serious-faced Bruce he’s killing the buzz. Bruce tells her this isn’t her.  Selina smiles, and asks Bruce if he really thinks he knows her. He solemnly tells her better than she knows herself.
Selina smiles.  She tells Bruce that the night his parents were murdered she watched it all and did nothing.
Her eyes fill
She says she watched
That guy shoot your father and shoot your mother and through it all - I did nothing
She lets out a laugh that turns into a sob
I didn't call for help. I didn’t scream at him to stop
Bruce tells her it wasn’t her fault – she was a scared kid.  Selina tells Bruce he was the scared kid.
Bruce has teared up now too. She continues
We are not the same.  I didn't do anything because I was not willing to risk my neck - because I didn’t care.  That's who I was and that's who I am
A different song starts playing.  Selina puts on a faux-smile and says she loves this song.  A tearful Bruce watches her walk away.
 Back at City Hall, an irate Ed is questioning a confused Oswald.
What did you do?
What are you talking about?
Ed is insistent
You!  You are the reason I killed those people!  How could you?  You have made me some murderous puppet!
(Just a reminder here that when Ed found a seriously injured and traumatised Oswald in the woods, he took him home, injected him with God knows what, told him he had no option but to stay there, and rubbed his hands with glee when he figured out the best way to manipulate him to his own ends – which was through his grief for his murdered mother.  You know, just while the story is touching on stuff like taking away someone’s agency, and using them for your own selfish ends.)
Ed rants that he’s spent weeks waking up strange places - driving himself mad, thinking he’d gone mad - now he knows that it’s all been Oswald’s doing
Of everything that you have put me through - this is the most cruel
(Just another reminder that - you know, while we’re discussing cruelty – Ed tried to drive Oswald insane, dug up his father’s remains, humiliated him, attempted to demonstrate that he wasn’t capable of love (so – you know – tried to completely dehumanise him), and then shot him in the gut and pushed him off the end of the pier. Just, you know, in case we’re looking for some kind of gold standard for cruelty).
Oswald blinks in confusion, and tells Ed that he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.  Ed quotes the ‘I’ll fix you’ from his hallucination.  He goes on – telling Oswald he didn’t fix him: he broke him
Realisation dawns on Oswald’s face.
Wait - I said that to you on the night the bridges blew!
He tells Ed that he saved his life.  He found him and paid Hugo Strange to save him – but Hugo must have done something when he was patching him up.
Ed is incredulous. Oswald is indignant – asking him what he was supposed to do?  After Butch, Ed was his only friend.  Ed exclaims that he shot Butch, to which Oswald retorts that’s why he needed Ed alive.
Oswald is frustrated. He sighs and turns to him
Edward Nygma - if I wanted you to suffer, I would never do it in some backhanded way.  If we are ever at odds again, you will know without a doubt that I am your enemy.  I promise you that, as a friend.
(An aside.  I have made no bones about the fact I’ve found just about everything they’ve done with this relationship over the seasons to be utterly forced - clunky and leaden.  If anything ever exemplifies a lot of what I don’t like about it, it’s that moment just there.  Compare how natural and nuanced almost any other interaction in this episode was in comparison with this moment.  It’s self-indulgent and melodramatic in a manner usually reserved for bad fanfiction. Bear it in mind particularly when we get that lovely scene later with Bruce and Harvey, and compare the two.)
Ed considers him for a moment, then yells
What a mess!  I might have killed you, Oswald.  And if that day comes, I swear to you that I will stare you in the eye as I stab you in the heart.
We already saw that, Ed. Back when you shot him in the gut
Oswald nods tearfully
(An aside, something else I hate about what they’ve done with this – insta-woobie ooc Oswald)
Oswald tells him to look on the bright side.  If Strange messed with his head, then Ed’s not responsible for what happened.  Ed asks where to find Hugo – but the conversation is interrupted by an explosion.
One of Oswald’s men tells him that GCPD and the army have blown the gates
Oswald whispers to him
Grab Nygma - they want him, not me
(An aside – the speed with which Oswald is willing to sell Ed out is honestly hilarious)
Ed – however – has legged it, leaving a fulminating Oswald behind.
The doors to the main hall are blown open, and a smoke bomb is rolled on. Harvey and Eduardo enter.  Oswald waits amidst all the smoke – probably for the drama more than anything
Why hello Harvey!
He teases him about the ammo situation last time.  Harvey tells him they don’t want his territory. They want him to put down his weapons and hand over Ed Nygma.
The situation, I think, is now more about Oswald being pissed that his turf has been invaded than anything else. He tells them to leave by the time he counts to three, or he’ll shoot everyone.
Harvey stands his ground.
Oswald smiles
You’re not thinking clearly, Harvey.  Maybe call your boss - see what he thinks
(An aside – Oswald is so offended that he’s even having to look at someone from GCPD who isn’t Jim.  Ugh. This day just gets worse.  Funnier yet is his conviction that Jim will tell Harvey to come back to GCPD and stop bothering him)
There’s a staring match. Oswald’s men all wind up shot, and Oswald is taken in to GCPD. 
Ed is in Sirens - on his knees in front of Barbara.  She tells him all Gotham is looking for him
He replies that he needs information – your speciality
(An aside.  What?  Since, like - when?  When did information become Barbara’s speciality?  I know she likes power and money.  She’s also fond of violence and casual cruelty.  But information?  When was that supposed to have happened?)
Barbara says she’s going to cut his face into a jigsaw puzzle.  Ed urgently asks her if he’s dumb.  If – in all the years she’s known him – he’d ever done anything as brutally idiotic as this.  He didn’t kill those people.
Well…. not exactly.
Barbara dismisses her guards.  Ed tells her about Hugo Strange’s involvement, and how he suspects mind control. Whoever is responsible for the mind control killed those people, not him
Barbara says if by some miracle she believes him – why would she help?
Ed piques her curiosity by wondering what kind of powerful person would hire Strange and have Ed adapted in this way.  He says that Barbara must know where Hugo is, and when he finds out who was responsible for the chip – he’ll share the intel.  She’ll want to know, because, after all
Information is your lifeblood
Sure, whatever. 
Barbara doesn’t know precisely where Hugo is, but can direct him to his Igors.
 An interrogation room in GCPD.  Oswald lies on his front on the floor, his lip bleeding.  He looks up at Jim, who is apparently watching, and his face twists for a moment into a combination of pain and an appeal for help
For his part, Jim looks troubled.  He’s not enjoying this – in fact, I would go so far as to say it looks like he can’t stomach it – but he’s tolerating it.
Jim replies to his pained look
You’re protecting a mass murderer - don't look to me for sympathy
(An aside. Yes – I ship this, but even with shipper glasses off – it’s pretty much there in the text. Oswald knows that he can appeal to Jim for sympathy.  In responding to his look as he does, Jim is openly acknowledging that he would usually be a source of sympathy for Oswald.  It’s an admission from them both that there are dimensions to their relationship that go well beyond cop/gangster and – more than that – an admission that they’re both aware of that)
Oswald spits blood
Fine.  But not with that meat head around
Jim nods, and Eduardo leaves
Oswald laughs and rises from the floor
You know – they say you can judge man by the company he keeps
Jim retorts
This from a man who has no friends
(An aside – that sounds meaner than it actually played.  It’s delivered in that slightly schoolyard  tone Jim reserves for teasing Oswald – it’s not earnest or cruel.  Also – as we’ve seen this season, just saw in this scene, and will see again in a moment – it’s just not true.  Jim and Oswald have a relationship beyond work.
On top of that, you know – Jim – if not for the fact that Harvey is an extraordinarily forgiving man, your own friend list would have tumbleweeds blowing through it.)
Jim and Oswald take a moment to give each other a long, complicated look.  This scene is full of long complicated looks.  Neither of them particularly want to be in this situation, but their hands have been forced.
Oswald tells Jim that Nygma is a patsy, not a mass murderer.  He likes puzzles, games, killing – but killing hundreds of people – that’s not him, Jim knows this.
Jim asks who set him up
Oswald laughs, and leans back in his chair.
Jim - you want info, I want to go home
Jim grimaces.  
Eduardo’s not going to go for that.
Oswald smiles before pressing Jim’s button
I'm sorry – I thought you were in charge
Jim grimaces angrily and leans on the table
Even if I were to let you go – the army is going to come after you: things are changing in Gotham
I'll take my chances
Jim blinks.  He seems, to be honest, tired and uncertain.
Do you want Nygma or not?
Jim looks at him, and then glances sidelong at where Eduardo waits outside.
Jim leaves the interrogation room and talks to Eduardo
I know where Nygma’s going
Eduardo looks at him, then past him, nudging the door to let it swing open – revealing an empty room. He looks back at Jim
I trust you know what you’re doing?
They leave to go find Ed
(An aside. Quite a complicated little scene.  Neither Jim nor Oswald want to be in that room – but external forces have shoved them in there anyway.  
There’s a lot of history in the looks that are going back and forth.  Like I said, we have the explicit acknowledgment that Jim is likely to offer Oswald sympathy when others won’t.  We also have the open admittance that Jim knows Oswald sees him as a soft touch, and that he will likely give in anyway – just not in this particular circumstance, because the destruction of Haven was such a big deal.
Oswald also knows that pressing Jim’s buttons over control and power is likely to be effective.
Last up – we have Jim obliquely warning Oswald of the danger the army poses to him.  He’s not threatening him here, or trying to intimidate him.  If anything, his tone is almost pleading.  He doesn’t know how handle this situation.  He’s asked for help – and help has finally arrived – but Jim’s not actually sure what to do with it now it’s here.  Eduardo plainly told Jim that Oswald was at the top of their hit list.  Jim’s response?  Let him go, warn him that danger is coming.)
 In some lab facility somewhere, a body slides down a hatch.
It’s Hugo!
He’s complaining that the last body he was brought was gangrenous and completely unsuitable. When he turns, though, he sees Ed pointing a gun at him
Mr Nygma
Ed want to know how he control of his alter ego.  He’s rambling a little, talking about his Ed side.
A curious Hugo remarks that he is Ed Nygma.
Ed says he’s also the Riddler.
Hugo’s professional side makes a rare appearance
How interesting
He adds, though, that he knows nothing about all that.  He just tinkered and inserted a chip in his brain.  
Ed wants to know who requested this.  Hugo says he’ll write it down, so he can truthfully say that he didn’t tell Ed who was responsible.  His pen, though, contains knock-out gas – which he sprays at Ed.
Hugo says that he’s mystified as to how Ed regained any awareness – and that he’ll just have to open him up and take a look under the roof.  
 Bruce is at GCPD looking for Jim.  Instead, he finds Harvey, working at his desk
Sorry kid – it’s just me
He quickly takes in Bruce’s obvious distress, and takes his glasses off to regard him more carefully.
You all right?
Bruce says he’s fine – just looking for Jim. He remarks that he saw soldiers downstairs, trying to make some conversation – but still seeming distracted.  Harvey watches him, concerned.
Yeah, the Army's finally gotten off their asses and decided to help.  Jim's out with them now.  Are you sure you're all right?
A tearful Bruce says that he doesn’t know.  His usual careful defences crumble.
I see people losing their will to do good.  People I love.  What if we don't make it out of this?
Harvey looks at him. His face is sombre.
I'm not gonna lie, kid.  These past few months, I've wondered the same thing.  And when I don't know what to do, I come up here and I dig into these case files. I sit my ass down and I get to work.  I used to hate this kind of paperwork; now it's the only thing that keeps me going.  Why? Because the little things matter.  Act by act, deed by deed, it means something.  Even if no one notices or cares.
Bruce listens – taking in what he says
Thanks, Harvey.
He then does the classic Batman quick exit – leaving a slightly befuddled Harvey
(An aside - This scene between Bruce and Harvey was really lovely.  Bruce is tired, upset, and worried about Selina.  He's lost his conviction that things will work out, and everything looks hopeless to him right now.  Harvey doesn't have the answer to any of that - but he does have an honest way to go on with things: do the work.  It doesn't have to be showy and praised by all and sundry.  Do something useful - and know that the deed itself and the results are both worthwhile.
It was an understated scene that still got across some very big issues.
There’s the flagging of some key differences between Jim and Harvey – Jim’s need to be seen as a hero, and Harvey not sharing that same concern.  There’s also insight into how someone who is as fundamentally unhappy and alone as Harvey finds a meaningful way of living.  There’s also how much Harvey has changed since we first met him.
It's sweet, too, that Bruce confides in him.  They don't know each other well - but he's still been a constant.  Equally sweet is how Harvey talks to him.  He doesn’t coddle him, or just try to cheer him up in the way that Alfred or Jim might.  He’s simply honest.  No platitudes, and no inspirational speech.  He tells Bruce he’s just as scared as he is, and then offers him a way to deal with his fear.  
Now - compare that simple moment of compassion, all the subtleties and pathos, and all the meaning it holds with the yelling and stilted dialogue at City Hall with Ed and Oswald.  The difference is glaring.)
Hugo has top of Ed's skull off – pretty much like Hannibal tried to do to Will. According to Hugo, the gas he used on Ed immobilised him – but he can still feel pain.  A simple reboot will fix the problem, though.
 A City Hall, Oswald carries his dog along to a hatch in the floor.  He carefully descends a ladder, still carrying him, and turns on a light. It’s a massive vault – full of gold and money and shiny things.  
He smiles and tells the dog that the time has come for a change of scenery
I’ve said this for ages, sweetie.  You’ve got all that crime money.  Buy yourself a flat in Paris, another in Berlin.   Florence, Athens, Barcelona…. go for it.
 Back in the lab.  Hugo says the electric charge must have overloaded the chip – but he’d fixed it.  He will pass the good news to his handler.  His smiles disappears when he realises that a gun is being held to his head.
He protests.  He’s just helping a man who needs medical attention! Hugo is vile – but BD Wong is fantastic.
Jim walks round Hugo to look at Ed, whose eyes are open.  Hugo petulantly says he gave him biomedical anaesthesia – and brings him round.
Ed screams in pain and then immediately protests his innocence
I told you wasn't me!
Jim tells Hugo to talk. He says a contract came along, and developed a tool – gesturing to Ed, who is indignant.
How dare you
Eduardo contacts one of his men and tells him to escort Hugo out.  He leaves with a ta ta
He smirks at an incredulous Jim
Sorry pal - this part of the op is need to know
Apparently Walker – the woman Jim has been talking to one the radio – wants Ed taken out now.  
Jim is puzzled – asking if Walker is behind this - controlling Nygma
Eduardo shrugs that he hates the spooks crap.  He just follows orders
Jim mentions Haven – reeling from the idea that Walker might have been behind it.
Eduardo says Jim is to put a bullet in Ed's brain
Jim replies with a flat no
Eduardo tells him to call it proof of loyalty - what Walker needs to see from him before she implements the relief plan.  He tries to persuade him
Look at him.  He's a loon. A cop-killer.
(An aside – the strong feeling we’re getting from Jim at this point is ‘yeah – but he’s my loon’ – in the same way that this is his screwed-up home, and his tyrannical gangster.  I suspect this storyline might have lasted longer had the season not been truncated – and we’d have seen Jim gradually pull away from Eduardo, the man he thought was his friend, to acknowledge that he belongs to Gotham, and has emotional ties there that he’s not willing to break.)
Jim just wants the truth: did Walker destroy Haven?
Eduardo tells him ours is not to reason why – and says this is his chance to be part of the plan.
He adds that if Jim can’t pull the trigger on Ed – I’ll pull it on you
Jim stares
You’d kill me for some bureaucrat?
Eduardo is unperturbed. There’s really not one thought rattling around in that big beardy head of his
Mission comes first - you taught me that.  What's your answer?
Jim says he saved his life one too many times.  He feints putting his gun down, and then runs and escapes down the hatch in the wall we saw earlier.  Wheeee!
Eduardo presses a button, and orders EdBot to find Jim and kill him
EdBot immediately complies, and also goes wheeeeee down the chute.
Eduardo watches him go – secretly envious that his orders apparently don’t allow him to go wheeee too.
Aha – so this is where that absurdly beautiful image of Jeremiah came from. He’s lying down, eyes shut, in some kind of cave.  We see a rock pulled aside by Ecco
Boss - wake up
Jeremiah winces as he sits up.  Ecco asks sympathetically if the stitches are still sore, and tells him he should have worn the armour she made.
Jeremiah curls his lip contemptuously, and tells her the bullet is making her sentimental – she should gave it a shake.  Ecco obligingly does so – and nods excitedly when he asks her if that’s better.
He tells her he had to let Selina stab him once - verisimilitude trumps precautions.  Ecco nods – and says Bruce and Selina had to think he was dead.  Jeremiah rolls his eyes at her summary, and comments impatiently that he takes it she has news.  She replies that it’s all systems go, and they head out.
(I suppose this is essentially canon, but – wow, does Jeremiah treat his ‘girlfriend’ with contempt).
Is Jeremiah in Wayne Manor? He addresses a man in a white coat, telling the dr he’s hearing good things.  The doctor tells him his assistant thought he’d like to see the results.
Jeremiah is wide-eyed as he approaches two people we can only see from behind – who look, as best as memory serves, to be Bruce's parents.
Jeremiah laughs for a second, then opens his eyes wide – and tells them they look beautiful
I just love family reunions - don't you?
Jeremiah, confronted with the problem of what gift you can buy for your billionaire crush who likely has everything, has seemingly got very creative and cloned his dead parents.
General Observations
Jim is doing a classic Jim. He's been unhappy about the situation in the city for weeks – pleading for help.  But now that official help of a sort has shown up - the kind Jim should want, and should back, and should identify with - he's wobbling. He balks at the idea of shooting Ed.  He had no interest in arresting Oswald, let alone any qualms about letting him go, and looked downright unhappy in the interrogation room.  When push comes to shove, Jim has relationships with these people - whether he’ll acknowledge it or not
To analyse it more closely in terms of Jim's psychology - the army element plays a role too.  He might talk about his time there fondly - but, ultimately, he chose to leave. When Barnes - who was father figure and army past combined - showed up, Jim barely waited until the end of his first episode before disobeying him to going off to see Oswald – leaning on their special relationship and warning him about the new regime.
He repeats that pattern again here.  Jim might want to represent that kind of authority - but a part of him is always looking to buck it, too.  It's part of the reason, I think, that he and Oswald are more likely to squabble during Oswald's particularly tyrannical phases.
And all of that disquiet is even before we find out that Walker is likely corrupt and dreadful.
 The whole thing with Ed. Eh.  I know what they’re trying to do here. The problem, for me, is that it’s not really outside the bounds of possibility that Ed could knowingly have destroyed Haven.  Sure – the whole affair would have been showier, and Ed would have made some kind of speech beforehand – but still.  Ed - and Barbara – actually, both watched from a high window while Gotham tore itself apart under the Tetch virus.  Neither of them flinched at what they saw.
It’s weird – because you don’t need to downplay Ed’s capacity for sadistic violence in order to also entertain the notion that part of him might be horrified by it.  That, after all, is a crucial part of his characterisation: that he is frequently fractured, with various facets of his personality more or less dominant.  In season one, we saw that certain aspects of his personality were almost completely suppressed.  Later, we saw the season one version of him humiliated and berated by darker aspects of his personality, as well as horrified by what it had him do when it ‘took over’.  
So – you can have your cake and eat it really – you can have a character who is capable of dreadful things, as well as the tragedy that some drowned part of him is horrified and disgusted by what he has done, and simply endures it with no ability to speak up. That would work with Ed’s extreme rage and fear at the loss of control he’s been enduring.
What doesn’t work, though, is retconning him to be a better person than he is. I’ve watched Ed torture because he enjoyed it.  Kill because he felt like it.  I’m not entirely sure I buy that he’d be horrified by what happened to Haven.
Miscellaneous
I have no idea whether Selina knows about Tabitha yet.  She must – it makes no sense that she wouldn’t – but there was no indication of her reaction to that.
Similarly – I don’t really understand why no-one has said a word about Lee yet.  I’m guessing it’s because we’re simply not ‘there’ yet in the story – but it makes no logical sense.
Alfred said a lot that was true about respecting Selina’s decision, but – ultimately- his advice to leave Selina alone simply comes off as callous.
Lucius must have had a day off today.
23 notes · View notes
Photo
Tumblr media
Happy Holidays, Emily! We are thrilled to “invite” Dean Thomas (fc Keiynan Lonsdale  ) back to Hogsmeade for a little forced Winter Cheer.  We particularly liked how Dean was set up for growth in this application--not necessarily launching a career post-Battle of Hogwarts and still learning about himself. Dean’s roommate is: Harry Potter!
OOC DETAILS:
NICKNAME: Emily
AGE (must be 18+): A grandma in the rp world
PRONOUNS: She/her
ACTIVITY ESTIMATE: I work on political campaigns and there is a race I am starting in January which kills my time immensely, but right now I have ample free time and can lurk/plot the whole time!
CHARACTER DETAILS:
FULL NAME & NICKNAMES: Dean Allen Thomas
BIRTHDATE: October 1st 1979 Dean is a FIRM Libra. “"The balanced beautifier of the horoscope family, Libra energy inspires us to seek peace, harmony and cooperation. The essence of Libra energy is charming, lovable, fair, sincere, sharing, beautiful and hopelessly romantic.“
BLOOD-STATUS: Half-Blood, although he grew up believing he was Muggle-born
* GENDER IDENTITY: Cisgender male (although I would like to eventually explore a world where Dean could be more open to referring to himself as agender or gender fluid)
* GENDER PRESENTATION/PRONOUNS: Fairly masculine, he/him
* SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Dean is bisexual, although he very only recently fully came to terms with this.
* NOTE: this does not have to correspond to canon, or to the temporary pronouns in the bios!
CHARACTER SITUATION:
OCCUPATION: Dean works at a sporting goods store near his house and while it is not his ideal job, it does leave him with plenty of time to focus on his art. This is the main way he copes with the last three years.
HOUSING: He lives in a tiny, tiny flat in Clapton. It’s about a thirty minute train ride to his home, and while he would like to stay at home, there simply isn’t enough room now that the girls are growing. Not to mention, he quite enjoys his alone time away from the chaos of his family occasionally.
SOCIAL STANDING: Dean still can’t believe that he is in The Order of Merlin, First Class, thank you very much. It’s a bit of a wild title, especially for someone that people consider Muggle-born. Dean is known as a friendly face, and will always be a friend to those who need it, but his name usually doesn’t garner recognition. And frankly, he prefers to keep it that way.
CHARACTER CONFIGURATION:
TALENTS/WEAKNESSES +Artistically inclined + Athletic, which made him a great addition as a Chaser on the Gryffindor Quidditch Team -Potions. He could never get the portions right, not to mention he thought it a dull subject -Not a strong leader
STRENGTHS/FLAWS  + Bright; always knows just what to do or say to cheer someone up + Huge empath; keen ability to improve others moods + Loyal like no other person, whether that be to people or sports teams. He is your #1 Fan - Terrible at making decisions, which causes him to go with the flow a lot of the time -Self-less, which can lead to putting himself second and the needs of others first. Also causes a bit of a self-confidence issue
CHARACTER HISTORY: 
FAMILY BACKGROUND Being raised by a single Muggle mother, Dean learned early on to dislike his father, Alexander, with every fiber of his being. His parents had married young, and he always blamed their split on that. Alexander was too young, he got cold feet. Couldn’t handle a baby anymore, let alone being a father. While Martha never gave him an outright reason to dislike his father, Dean was the one acting out about it. Looking back, it was probably because he was compensating for his mother’s own nonchalance on the subject. Why wasn’t she upset? Why wasn’t she screaming? He later realized that her spending hours in front of the television set alone was her own version of screaming.
They had been fine. Martha and Dean had built a life together, just the two of them. They lived in a tiny flat and ate tiny meals and wrapped each other in tiny blankets and only each other could feel the warmth. The introduction of Graham Richards into Dean’s life was not a welcomed one. They met at his produce shop, sharing casual flirtations down the turnip aisle. Nothing made her laugh as much as those cabbages.
As Graham started spending more time in their flat, Dean started coming to terms with the idea that maybe he wasn’t all that bad. He had shit taste in sports, sure, but he was a great cook. And he made Martha happy. Damn, did he make her smile.
It took him eight years to propose to Martha, and by that point it came as no shock to anyone. They were already basically married, having moved in together years ago. Graham was basically already Dean’s father, having helped him through a break up and always supporting him in his art projects. Veronica and Bridget were already welcomed additions into the family, and shortly after baby Sam was no different.
Soon his tiny flat became a spacious three-bedroom. His tiny meals became three-course dinners. The blankets became shelters for movie nights and a home for Dean’s stories from school.
Since his father’s death, Dean harbors serious regret for his treatment of the man he barely remembers, mainly because of memories he lost and resentment he held. He wants to tell his father he is proud of him. That he understands all that he did in order to protect his family. That he would have done the exact same thing. While he can’t look back on many memories, he will always wonder what if.
LIFE DURING THE WAR: Not being able to return to Hogwarts for his final year was devastating to Dean. He loved his friends and he loved Quidditch and he loved the charmed sugar spoon that he used each morning in the Great Hall for breakfast. The fact that he was Muggle-born should not have affected his ability to attend school, but he quickly learned it was for his own good. He would stay up late and write letters his father would never be able to read. In those letters, Dean promised he would get through all this. He promised that, eventually, there would be happiness for at least one of them.
Dean wasn’t keen on having to fight in a war in his home away from home, but like a true Gryffindor, he pummeled himself headfirst into the throws of Battle. Finally, he felt welcomed again in this world. Perhaps it was the rush of finally seeing his friends after all this time (physically there, if mentally in pieces) and seeing Harry—his old friend, his sole source of hope when no one would believe that there was a reason to hope anymore—do what’s right that continued to propel him forward after all this time.
LAST THREE YEARS
Dean chose to fully immerse himself in the Muggle world. In the Muggle word, they can’t force him to run away from his friends and family. He loves being a wizard of course, but his last year on the run really took its toll on him. He still wakes up with nightmares when a neighbor makes too much noise. He is constantly afraid of being alone, as he was alone for most of his Final Year. Dean doesn’t want to think about life in terms of goals because, to be quite honest, he really has no idea what he wants to do after Hogwarts. A small part of him didnt even think he’d make it this far. Instead, he has a lot of different interests and ideas, but nothing that is jumping out at him right now. The Ministry of Magic is urging those in The Order of Merlin First Class to follow the career path of an Auror. And there is a part of him that feels he could make a great Healer or Auror, and another part of him that longs to be a Quidditch star, and somewhere inbetween there is his desire to paint and draw for a living. The more he thinks about it the more overwhelmed he gets, so he conveniently chooses not to think about it. His goal right now is a lot simpler than that–if he is forced to come back to Hogsmeade, enjoy this festive Holiday celebration before he can’t anymore.
HOLIDAY DETAILS:
The Thomases were never big Christmas-celebrators in the whole Navity-set-and-going-to-church kind of way, but they do spend copious amounts of time watching Holiday specials that come on the telly and they have a tree with an unhealthy amount of tinsel. Dean’s step-father is a fantastic baker and Dean has a competition with him and his younger sister that involves cooking competitions and ginger snaps. His mother always ends up declaring it a tie because she can’t decide. He always valued coming home for the holidays simply because he recognized the traditions he was making with his half-sisters and knew that he wanted to be as involved as he possibly could. Being away from these traditions is enough reason for him not to want to go back to Hogsmeade, but he felt like he couldn’t say no. They crammed in as many of these traditions as they could before sending Dean off on his own.
OOC SUPPLEMENT:
SHIPS:  I will not lie and say that Deamus makes me weep because clueless best friends to lovers hits a little too close to home for me, but I am also open to alternatives! Especially when Chemistry and Drama are thrown into the mix! Also super interested to flesh out Ginny and Dean’s past relationship, as I feel like that was not explored enough.
CHANGES: This is a very tiny tiny change, but I do think Dean will be excited to go to Hogsmeade. I always kind of thought of him as that guy who would actually want to go to a high school reunion of sorts, and I think it’s because he just loves his friends so gosh darn much!! He was robbed of a proper “Senior Year” and spent most of that year on the run. As a result, I think that he is spending a good portion of his life making up for lost time. Also because the kid loves a party, and a distraction.
FACECLAIM: Truly having a tough time debating between Keiynan Lonsdale and Alfie Enoch. I would not be mad with either!
3 notes · View notes
sinsfox · 5 years
Note
Care to tell us about Ban's depression and all?
yoko you just had to ask this since i mentioned it to you huh
OF COURSE I CAN TALK ABT IT
this is gonna get long, so ima put it under the cut but theres going to be content warning galore, but itll be tagged
im really not going to beat around the bush here. 
i headcanon ban to have depression, but at this point, it seems to me to be implied that he does. would it be professionally diagnosed? fuck no. ban gives less than a shit about himself, i dont think he would be obligated to figure out why he feels hollow or dulled. why life is a bore, and he only ever feels alive in a fight or when hes ‘killed’.
to him its a feeling he can easily shrug off and ignore and he easily puts up a front of being the easy going, out there kind of guy that he is. eccentric and melodious in his tone, fight enthusiastic and seemingly taking his interest in whatever seems convenient at the time. stealing what he wants, even if its the clothes off someones back. drinking ale and laughing it up like no tomorrow until he passes out.
but at the end of the day, hes lonely. hes tired. despite the things that are fun that he does have fun with, its still hard to completely forget the void that he feels and how much duller things seem nowadays ever since the incident in the fairy kings forest.
it only got worse since that day.
his childhood was the start of it all.
his parents neglected him and his sister. his little sister died from starvation at four years old. that was the first time ban felt alone. his parents cared nothing for them. ban was used to try and obtain food for his mother and father, while not being allowed to eat himself. his father would beat him if he did eat. his father would beat him if ban even slept. it wasnt a good environment. ban ran away from home often.
then ban was caught stealing and was sent to prison and that was where he met zhivago and they escaped together. and ban took to secretly meeting zhivago whenever he could and was given food by him to eat. zhivago helped him survive. zhivago taught ban all he needed to know about thieving and even saved his life from starvation and from being kidnapped and almost being sold to a noblewoman who tortured and killed children.
zhivago adopted ban. he referred to ban as his son in a conversation with ban himself. telling him how he had one son named therion who was nothing like ban, a shy kid. and how he had another son named ban who was a troublemaker with a bad mouth.
hearing that made ban happy. and he felt like he had family again.
then one day when they were to do a heist together, ban got impatient and went on his own. and got caught by the guards and was beaten by them. and zhivago was handed two choices: save ban or save therion. ultimately zhivago made his choice and abandoned ban ( he was crying when he made his choice ) for the sake of saving his own son, which he was too late in doing.
that was the second time ban felt alone in the world.
years pass, ban is a bandit now. he goes after the fountain of youth after hearing talk of it in a bar. he enters the fairy kings forest. he persists in getting to the fountain. thats when he meets elaine. and in seven days he grew close to her and helped her battle her seven hundred years of loneliness. and he fell in love with her and was going to bring her brother back to the forest, and make him take her place so ban could take her away.
but then a demon attacked. and elaine, who ban wanted to save with the fountain of youth, fed the water to ban which made him immortal. and he kills the demon, but elaine dies before he can even begin to help her.
that is the third time ban felt alone in the world.
and he was heart broken.
its at this point in time that ban believe he cannot be close to anyone, for they are going to leave him. by dying or by abandoning him. he refuses to fight when he is arrested and accused of a false crime but what can he do. he has no proof against their claim, and they cannot do anything to an immortal being. so he takes the brunt of it all and allows himself to be executed over and over again in his time captured.
its at this point that ban wishes he could die. because he doesnt want to live. not when he had nothing to consider a family from his little sister dying so young, his parents neglecting and abusing him. zhivago was his ideal father, he never held a grudge against the man for abandoning him but it still left a hefty hole for ban to carry. and elaine was killed before him and she used the last of her strength to save him instead of herself.
he was powerless to stop any of this from happening. despite that he was only a child, that he was just a human.
meeting meliodas was another of the happier moments in his life. when the man busted him out of prison, literally punching him through the wall, ban knew immediately that meliodas was someone he did not want to lose. there was an interest gained in this man. ban didnt want meliodas to disappear on him. he didnt want him to leave like the rest.
of course history happens, ban gets imprisoned by the weird fangs when he hears that meliodas had passed ( a lie ). and he endures torture yet again to ease the emptiness that wracks his being. bans stated before that dying is just another part of life for him. a daily occurrence. hes mentioned before that hes felt like dying. that its been a long time since he felt like dying.
it doesnt change the fact that hes felt that way.
there are points in time where ban berates himself. degrades himself. hes called himself a bad person. hes referred to himself as a useless piece of shit. that hes powerless. that hes an awful friend. all in regards to being unable to protect those he loves and cares about.
ban cares little about his own well being. its why he fights as reckless as he does, aside from his immortality. ban does not care about himself. theres nothing he likes about him. theres… nothing. he feels nothing for himself. he doesnt even consider himself human anymore unless hes referred to as one.
one wouldnt even think ban feels or thinks this way considering the way he is, as i said before. its easy to think ban is someone who doesnt feel that way but really its been eating at him for over the entirety of his life. ever since his childhood. ever since elaine died. 
and he has terrible ways of coping with it all.
ban drinks himself silly. he lets himself get brutally murdered just come back to life and have it done again when he fights. he seeks out getting arrested to endure torture to feel something than nothing. because hes so tired of feeling nothing.
but in the end, no one except meliodas and elaine ( and king ) are capable of telling really telling bans actual emotions and the way he feels. because around them he drops the face of the fox sin everyone knows. because hes tired. hes empty. he can fake a smile and really well at that. he can put on the face of excitement, the outgoing personality and passion he can exude when needed. but at the end of the day, those feelings and thoughts are still there.
ban has, since gaining immortality, fantasized about death. idealized it. wished he could die. because being immortal is boring. living and dying near constantly runs dry after a time and to think that dying is a daily part of life now is cruel to him when he wakes up like nothing happened.
it was worse when the rumor meliodas had died got around, after hed finally learned to be happy again after the loss of elaine.
when he learned meliodas was indeed alive, and was busted out of baste dungeon to reunite with meliodas, he was happy again.
when the ten commandments and demon clan were released from their seal, and melascula using her magic with the venegeful soul revival, elaine was resurrected and ban was able to reunite with her too, after quelling her anger and hate towards those who had spent their time around ban when she could note and melascula still being kept alive kept elaine alive.
ban was made all the more happier then, too.
but elaine can read bans heart like fairies can. meliodas can read ban like a book because theyre best friends and meliodas understands ban just as ban understands him. and hes able to be open with them, more so than anyone else.
they are the only two he can really be truthful with in regards to his emotions because they are the only two that he trusts enough to let his guard down around and let them see the side that he hides from everyone else.
because he doesnt need more people worrying or whatever in his mind. he doesnt need peoples concerns when hes fine by technicality because hes immortal and nothing will ever come of anything even if he tried to do something. his sense of self-worth is abyssal, he cares so little about himself. hed rather everyone around him be okay and happy than have people worrying over him because its something hes felt for a long time, a very long time. something hes dealt with all on his own ( until elaine and meliodas came into his life ) and hed rather not include anymore people in it.
ban has gotten the short and shit end of the stick too many times to count. hes lost people. hes been unable to save people. he feels powerless in situations he cant do anything to change or fix. he berates himself over these things.
and he tries to keep others out of it because its not something they should deal with, its his own problem. but its hard to deal with it when he doesnt want to. he wants it to go away, he wants to stop feeling and thinking it. but its hard when its constant and he cant do anything about it. aside from drown himself in ale and liquor. and fight so recklessly and with abandon because hell be fine, hell come out unscathed and it gives him something to better focus his energy on than the hollow dull ache in his chest.
thats about the long and short of it
5 notes · View notes
flowerhyunjins-blog · 6 years
Text
popular!chan x writer!reader
here’s my first thread! lets go!!
◇──◇────◇────◇────◇────◇────◇─────◇──◇
youre,,,really fuckin weird and loud
so like you own 6 notebooks you never finish
and you write a lot of stories
chan's part of the soccer team
friends with those kids
so like you lowkey hate him
but at the same time he’s pretty nice and his smile melts you so,,,,
you have a tiny crush on him but you keep pushing it down but OOPS MISTAKE IT MADE THEM STRONGER
so like at one point you guys are lab partners
and chan’s excited bc he’s gonna get to know a new person for 3 months!!
but you’re on the verge of tears because god,,,,,fuck no
so you’re complaining about this to your friends when he walks into class
“it’s so fucking annoying! i’m partnered with an asshole?”
you don’t know he’s behind you until your friends tell you and you turn around
and he’s there
and he’s looking at you
but he doesnt say anything
he just smiled at you, sadder this time, and put his bag on his table and just,,,,sat there
and you feel so fucking terrible and you cant stop looking at him from across the room
what used to be stares that lasted a second too long turned into nothing
a little after that incident
you had to go to malaysia to get your check up
you didnt know it but chan was so worried ???
he kept asking your friends how you were
and they were just like “dude she’s fine shut up”
but he’s so terrified you’re not well
but you come back and you missed 2 days but you’re okay
and hes like “thank god“ internally but he doesn’t show it
in phys ed you don’t do shit with your friends
you sit around and talk while he plays soccer or some shit with his friends
and that one friend of yours keeps noticing the glances chan gave you but you never caught because your back is to him
its like he’s internally yelling “hey!! i just did that!! did you see it!?!?”
and you don’t but he isn’t giving up
yeah he keeps doing things to get your attention
jesus chan
when a lab experiment comes it’s chemistry and  you’re shit at it
and remembering what you said before about chan you’re like SO PRESSURED FCJJJFJF
but he comes in and he smiles his cute dimpled smile and goes like “hi! let’s do well today!!”
and you’re gonna break down but you just smile at him too and nod
and you’re good because you brought the materials and the workbook is easy for you to complete it’s just the notes that bother you
and chan sees you trying to get reference from your notebook to answer the question but getting nothing
so he offers you his notes and you…slowly…take it
and you did it!! with chan!!!!
well it was mostly you answering and him copying but
he asked for explanations so he learned something too
your friends are,,,,across the room,,,,,,gushing about how fucking cute the interaction was
and since that day science was last period chan comes to you after school and went like “listen…i don’t know what made you hate me, but i’m sorry for whatever i did. ill try to fix it.”
you’re suddenly so guilty and you tell him you don’t actually hate him because?? that hate was so irrational???
and he just smiles. again. and you’re about to cry inside.
“i’m glad to hear that. lets be friends from now on, okay?”
and you’re like fucking ecstatic he really just-
HE WANTS TO BE YOUR FRIEND
AND YOURE YELLING ABOUT THIS IN THE GC AT HOME AND YOUR FRIENDS ARE JUST LIKE
“mmhm cool.”
WHILE YOU’RE BEHIND THE SCREEN AND YOU’RE WRITING IN YOUR NOTEBOOK AND YOU’RE WRITING FANFICTION ABOUT YOUR FAVOURITE ARTISTS
BUT YOURE BASING THEM ON YOU AND CHAN
bc it’s the only way you con cope with the unrequited feelings
but hohoho little do you know this australian immigrant is so fucking whipped for you
the next lab experiment that happens required a lemon and detergent.
you brought the lemon and chan brought the detergent.
so like chan is a dumbass and he tried eating the detergent, making you smack him
but then when it came to the lemons you both were dumbasses and ended up eating the lemons
BUT OH MY GOD HE DOESN’T KNOW YOU LIKE LEMONS
SO WHEN YOU DRAIN THE WHOLE SLICE CHAN’S LOOKING AT YOU WITH A HORRIFIED EXPRESSION ON YOUR FACE
BECAUSE YOU FLINCHED ONLY  O N C E
and he’s just there like…”how????”
but like anyway during the experiment you had to test pH levels using litmus paper
so he took the blue one and you took the red one
and youre placing them on the white tablet already
but he has trouble tearing them off
he keeps tearing off too little and he ends up getting the pieces too small or too big
dumb shit
so you teach him BUT YOUR HANDS HAVE TO TOUCH
SO THEY DO AND YOURE GUIDING THEM AND HIS HAND IS SO SOFT AND WARM AND HIS FINGERS ARE SO PRETTILY DEFINED LIKE
HELLO YOUR HEART IS GOING BOOM BOOM RIGHT NOW
so after you teach him you’re whole face is red so you just,,,,,go back to your own thing
but the whole time he’s looking at you with such admiration and he has this cute smile on his face
and oh my god guess who’s about to cry again
“so what do you write about?“
fuck you cant tell him you write about gay men
“fiction…i guess. angst mostly.”
“damn, that’s some real talent right there.“
and you’re really crying because you’ve never really felt like you were talented
and chan was the one to tell you that
HOW COULD YOU NOT SOB?
and he’s like “oh shit did i say something wrong? i’m so so sorry. what did i do? are you okay? wait here let me-”
“no it’s okay!! i just never felt like i was talented before…”
and his jaw drops and he’s like “dude! are you kidding me!! i read your stuff in english while passing papers out and that’s the best i’ve read in such a long time!!! what do you mean you’re not talented?!?!?!?!”
and you give him a smile and thank him because…oh my god…
and like he hugs you from behind and rests his chin on your head as you go back to the initial experiment
“i’ve always thought you were talented. please don’t say that again.”
and you freeze for a moment because hes hugging you. in class. but everyone’s distracted and no ones looking
and it stays like that. the whole period.
this time you don’t even tell your friends because it was such…a special…interaction
the next day in class he takes your best friend’s seat with her permission
and you’re just like…what??
and you don’t say anything, but the whole period his cheek is in his hands and he’s just staring at you
and you’re…gonna cry again
“chan, stop staring at her and get to work.“
and this boy flinched and almost fell off his chair when the teacher called him out
but he does as told and you’re smiling to yourself
so he’s done. in a flash. and there are like, 10 minutes left ???
you know what this little shit does
he holds your hand under the desks
your heart is going 10 miles a second right now and HOLY SHIT-
“do you wanna write about us?”
lmfao BITCH YOU ALREADY DO JSJFDJF
“w-what?”
“about us, you know. our relationship.”
boy our  w h a t
“…”
“you already do, don’t you?”
f u c k
“here’s something to continue the events”
and this piece of shit, oh my god
he takes a letter out of his bag and gives it to you and you’re like, gonna really sob again
the bell rings and he tells you to read it later
and you do as break goes on and your friends are talking to each other
they think you wrote the letter as a new story concept but NUH UH GIRLS
and the letter is so fucking cheesy but it all boiled down to a little shy, extended “will you go out with me?”
and you’re literally gonna slap him because he asked you out by doing what you loved most; writing
so when classes start again he’s there first
and his friend was gonna sit next to him but you took it first
and you looked him dead in the eye and said “yes”.
HE DOESN’T PROCESS THINGS EASILY
so you have chan sitting there with a blank look on his face before a smile slowly comes on his face when he realizes. and in the end his dimples are showing again and you’re gonna melt because he’s so happy
“really?”
“you think i’m kidding?“
“oh my god!!”
and he stands up and he turns to one of your friends and yelled “it worked!!” while jumping up and down
turns out those two were working together all along
and you were gonna, smack these two bitches
but from there the relationship started
and you have complete opposites together but they’re happy and it’s adorable
because chan will put flowercrowns on your head while you put headbands on him
and you’re gonna scream because he’s so fUCKING CUTE
BUT HE’S GONNA SCREAM TOO BECAUSE YOU’RE SO FUCKING ETHEREAL JDSFKJA
he learns a side of you that will literally apologize for the smallest things
like you’ll apologize over and over again
and he’s just like “what the fuck?? what for???“
and you told him because he was dating you and you’re really weird because you have your nose constantly buried in a notebook
and you’re,,,,,,so sorry because being with you must be so embarrassing and-
“y/n, shut the fuck up.”
and you do and you’re just “…”
he yells over text over how you’re not weird and about how people are just curious about you
you literally start crying because?? chan??? is an amazing boyfriend????
and after that you’re not really afraid of chan anymore you’re…finally fully comfortable with him
and praise the lord because my god you finally agree to go hang out with him out of school
and people can tell you’re dating but also that you’re complete opposites
and so they’re just like “oh my god that’s beautiful”
and chan probably gets you a shit ton of stationary for you and you’re,,,,,,yes
because they’re fucking  a e s t h e t i c a l l y   p l e a s i n g  and you’re dying
and you’re so lost because YOU NEED TO DO SOMETHING FOR HIM TOO-
but he keeps telling you to just buy him some food and he’d be thrilled
and chan  i s  thrilled
you brought him fried noodles once and he SCREAMED
cue his mom yelling at him
also he eats so well like YOU WERE SURPRISED
“how…do you not gain weight?”
“???”
“nevermind.”
and so its a cycle of stationary and food
you guys are compatible, surprisingly.
honestly there’s a fine line between absolutely hating each other and ending up together
you’re very glad you took the right path and got to know each other well :”)
2 notes · View notes
burningalight · 4 years
Text
my binders/locker in grade school were stuffed with so much shit i couldnt find anything...always crumpled up papers, trash etc
chewed pencils/pens, broke them taking them apart in class, lost them, often didn’t have one, frequently borrowing them and forgetting to give them back to the point that certain people wouldn’t give me pencils
could comprehend reading i liked very well, but when we’d have reading groups with boring books id always be lost,  or when the teachers would have one on ones and have u read something short and ask questions after to assess ur reading level, they’d often have to tell me to read it again bc they knew how much i remembered didnt add up to my intelligence and reading speed 
moms college friend gave me an unoffical iq test and i did much worse than i know i shouldve on the reading portion bc she’d play a story and then ask me after to list every detail i could remember and i couldn’t remember anything. but when she played 10 numbers and asked me to say them out loud backwards i scored extremely high ?
couldnt do projects, would be in tears, last minute every time, parents mad bc i need a poster board RIGHT NOW ITS DUE TOMORROW . hated assigned reading, horrible at essays even when they helped us plan them. 
i remember my 7th grade social studies teacher assigning a paper, i wrote extremely detailed and well in the first paragraph or 2, and the following ones got shorter and shorter and were completely bullshit bc i got bored. she told me ‘really strong first paragraph.’ and gave me a B  
talk too got damn fast. customers constantly telling me to slow down bc they cant understand me
my mom always says she had to challenge me as a kid bc i would get bored and get in trouble. i was acting out bc i was understimulated, i happened to like learning (esp numbers and puzzles) bc smart so that’s what i could fixate on and felt stimulated by
lunch detention frequently in 8th grade in my first highschool class, algebra, bc i wouldnt do my homework, at one point he just stopped giving lunch detention for that bc i wouldnt do it. i hated that class bc the math was boring and i never paid attention but would somehow pull off a’s and b’s on tests so i ended up with a B. my first B, and i had brought that up from a D (told my mom it was almost a C, he gave a really hard test and we all did bad etc, when she had to sign a paper about my low grade) at the end of the year, during the exam i was so confused the whole time, it was my first highschool exam and i didn’t know ANYTHING. i ended up with a 92 from guessing, and a curve, and every one of my friends got at least a 93 or better and i felt so stupid bc i was supposed to be the best at math
i would take every highschool class in honors but not one english class bc it required more essays and summer reading and i knew i wouldnt do the reading and would cry over the essays
the only other class i didnt take honors was chemistry bc i knew the honors teacher had a lot of projects and i would be stressing over them. i ended up with an A in the standard chem class even tho i never finished any work in class and didnt do homework, but i was still the smartest in the class and did the best overall
lunch detention for forgetting to get papers signed like report cards. they weren’t even bad grades i just couldnt remember. one time i got actual detention for forging my moms signature bc i got lunch detention for several days straight bc i kept forgetting to get the paper signed 
often had permission slips waiting to be signed the day before the field trip, or told my mom it was picture day the day before or morning of. one time i totally forgot it was picture day and didnt dress up
acting out and not thinking ab the consequences, many referrals.. many more times that my teachers let me get away with acting out when someone else doing the same thing would’ve been punished. one time anna and i left in the middle of class to go with emma to the library, only emma had permission, and my teacher had anna and i do wall sits instead of going to the office. in gym in middle school i would never dress out. i hated the clothes and hated gym bc i was awkward and if we didnt dress out we had to copy pages out of the health textbook the entire time and i would barely write 2 paragraphs bc i was so bored and my hand hurt and he never did anything ab it. i wouldnt dress out at least twice per week if not more. told my mom I had a C bc he had it out for me but i was the problem
in elementary school if we didn’t come to gym day wearing the right shoes we had to go into the back and pick out a pair of sneakers that fit out of a box of shoes, and also borrow socks if necessary. i had to do this frequently bc i never remembered to wear the right shoes
i would extremely often forget my library books and have to sit on the couch waiting for everyone to pick out their books for half an hour
when we were even younger we’d have story time and you had to sit in the middle of the floor inside a big circle of chairs where everyone else was if you forgot your library books. i lost one at one point for months and my parents didnt just pay for it so i had to sit in the middle every time. we found the book on a shelf somewhere in the house 
my chorus teacher never liked me bc i talked too much and i always felt like the worst singer, not bc of my singing but bc she wasn’t ever nice to me
in 7th grade science we learned latin root words and every day we’d play a game where we all stood up and one by one he’d ask for a root and we’d give it. if you got it wrong on the first round you’d have to write it on a piece of paper x amount of times and turn it in. if you were the last person left you were allowed to sit on your desk for the rest of the year, during these games while everyone else had to stand up. i wanted so badly to sit on my desk, esp bc i was fidgety and couldnt stand still, but i would never study them bc i’d forget or not want to if i did remember, even tho i really wanted to know them and sit on my desk. that teacher had a huge soft spot for me and one day i just started sitting on my desk during those. everyone knew i was smart, and it was all the smart kids who got to sit on their desks, so no one questioned it. im not sure if he knew i wasnt supposed to and just let me, or didnt realize i hadnt won bc i was smart. 
hyperlexia? mom said i could practically read before i was taught. i’ve always obsessively air written, ie writing words out w my finger in the air, on my leg etc. 
esp during lectures i doodle excessively to the point that my papers margins have always been covered with random scribbly overlapped words, or song lyrics. the words are usually something someone in the class said. ive started keeping an extra sheet of paper just for scribbling when im taking notes or listening in class. when we finished end of year tests in school i would write down full lyrics to songs on my scrap paper so i wouldnt be so bored. my hand cramps up so much but it was better than staring or trying to sleep with the lights on 
doing things and forgetting to turn them in
hyperfixating on books to cope w boredom and social anxiety, at one point read one per day, i was definitely one of the most frequent people in the library 
‘ The way I see it is if I can get information into my mind, I can do a lot with it but getting it in there in the first place is the really difficult part.’ - not mine
none of my teachers ever told my mom any of this i dont think, bc i was the smartest and i always got good grades, most had a soft spot for me BUT COULDNT SEE I HAD ADHD like damn. one time my fourth grade teacher whom i liked a lot was mad at us and indirectly calling people out, and referred to the fact that some of us never stopped talking , then made direct eye contact with me and i felt rly embarrassed bc i didnt realize i did that until she mentioned it
i often had to move seats if i was near friends bc i wouldnt stop instigating talking
at big lots when i had to run the register i was so painfully bored , fidgety, had to sneak my phone soo much bc i was so bored. when i was on the floor i would put away the go backs very quickly and then take upon myself a project like going through the entire wall of individual drinks and pulling out all the expired ones, it was like 5 carts full. my manager put me in charge of organizing the entire makeup section and all the gross clearance makeup bc she knew id do it the best and fastest 
when bosses have me do inventory i can count the products super fast and efficiently, but then when they have me put them into a spreadsheet i stare at it for hours getting nothing done bc distracted and its boring. ammar told me if i’d just get off my phone i could get it done bc he’d been asking for it for weeks, i wasnt trying to ignore it 
when im trying to do something at work that needs more concentration, i want to cry with frustration whenever i hear the door chime and have to get up and help customers and break my focus
0 notes
softmikecarden · 6 years
Text
recovery, etc.
so its been just about a year since i got back into therapy and i just want to say this because i didnt make it clear enough when it happened. when i went in for my intake session last december, they wanted to hospitalize me. like. that day. right then. they didnt even want to finish the interview. they just wanted to admit me. because people reporting numbers like mine were in hospitals on suicide watch. they did not want me to leave the premises. i had to assure them that i wasnt going to kill myself (even though i knew that wasnt a promise i could make). i had to sign a CONTRACT promising i would not kill myself before my first therapy session. the intake specialist was skeptical but he let me go (though he had no idea how i was able to function on a daily basis - jokes on him though because i wasnt functioning at all). he had a look in his eye that told me he wasnt sure letting my leave was a good idea. when i went to my first therapy session with ann a few weeks later, she also wanted to hospitalize me and again i found myself assuring someone i didnt know that i wasnt going to kill myself (and that still wasnt a promise i could make). a year ago i was so sick that i was nearly hospitalized for my own safety and for the safety of others. i smiled and joked and laughed through it all. i reblogged relatable sad posts. i tried not to make it seem like it really bothered me. but i was barely hanging on. 
i got my diagnosis on december 13th. i didnt talk to ann much but i told her just enough for her to deduce i had bpd. its something i knew for at least two years. i sat with my knees to my chest the entire session, uttering a few words here and there, picking at the fraying knees of my jeans. she took notes. she told me my numbers were concerning, that people with numbers like these are generally in inpatient care. i stared. nothing behind my eyes. i was a shell. she said “hopefully next time we meet youll be more comfortable with me and we can talk some more”. i felt like an asshole for sitting there and wasting her time. i thought i was a lost cause. i thought there was no way i was gonna get better.
and for the longest time i didnt. i was hurting so much. i was separated from all my friends and still dealing with the aftermath of not one but two absolutely devastating (at the time) rejections. i wanted to kill myself so badly but didnt have the means to do it efficiently and effectively (ive always been too scared to actually try to kill myself in case it didnt work - something ive told my therapist). i felt like the biggest fucking loser. i remembered the summer of 2012 and thinking (back then) that there was no way i could feel worse than i did then. i was wrong. how i felt in december 2016 through january-march 2017 was the worst ive ever felt in my entire life. looking back its mostly static. dont remember a lot of it. all i remember is being angry and suicidal and wanting to hurt everyone around me.
in april i started dbt. it took awhile for me to get into the class. ann had me take other classes to help cope with my other problems (anxiety mostly) and helped me process some of my issues until i could get into dbt. borderline is a little out of her area of expertise but she knows how to listen and is very very good at validating all my little hang ups (i love my therapist).
it took me a few weeks to see the value in dbt. for the first few months all it did was dredge up old shit and trigger me until i was hollow and numb. every week it felt like i was being ripped open and flayed. every week i got to relive a different traumatic memory. every week i disassociated to keep myself safe in this room of strangers (who were also disassociating to keep themselves safe). (disassociation is not a healthy coping mechanism) 
but then i went on medication for my depression and anxiety and the combination of that, dbt, and regular therapy sessions actually began to like work? like? thats wild? and i started to see changes in my life because i was learning how to communicate appropriately and deal with my trauma effectively. and i stopped dwelling on the things that made me feel bad and started diving in to the things that made me feel good. i started spending more time with friends and reaching out and actually putting an effort into being a better friend. i started being honest and open with my parents about my progress rather than being super secretive and hiding things. and somehow the constant stress dreams and nightmares and violent thoughts and suicidal ideations stopped. i was finally able to enjoy things again. i was even able to spend time with my parents and actually enjoy it. hell i even looked forward to seeing them and talking to them (which is a really fucking big deal).
there have been slip ups along the way. things have happened that have really bent me out of shape. but i was able to deal with those things and recover. last december i was prepared to ruin every relationship i had. i told my parents to not come to my graduation. i almost deleted all my friends phone numbers and unfollowed them on all social media so i never had to speak to them again. i was ready to isolate myself from everyone so that when i killed myself (which i was getting ready to do) i wouldnt hurt anyone.
im not gonna say that i cant believe that person then and the person i am now are the same people because i can absolutely believe it. there are times when i want to go back to my old ways because regressing is a lot easier than constant progress. and getting better doesnt always have 100% positive results. ive learned a lot about myself and others along the way. ive had to sever ties. ive learned that some people arent capable of change. ive learned that sometimes taking a break from the people you love the most is the best thing you can do for yourself (and for them). ive had to have hard conversations because getting better has forced me to learn that you gotta actually work for what you want. 
i havent been perfect this whole time either. i still havent learned how to value my own feelings over the feelings of others or how to accept that other people care about me. im sure some day i will. a year of therapy isnt going to fix everything. but some day ill have a breakthrough.
the whole point of this though is that if i can make it through my darkest moments and turn my shit around....anyone can. but its important to know beforehand that its a process. nothing happens overnight. nothing happens in a month. recovery is something you have to work at day and night for the rest of your life. its something you have to want. it doesnt come easy and its not pleasant. its not all soothing baths and flowers and handwritten journals. its crying and screaming and addressing your past traumas and welcoming them into your home like theyre family (and then accepting that they happened but not letting them dictate your every move). its being honest - brutally honest - with not only yourself but with others. its letting go of people you love and learning to exist in the void of loneliness (until the people you love learn to accept the new you). its showing up every week (or month or whatever) and saying something for once, even if you think its stupid, even if you think its irrelevant. recovery is ongoing. im about to finish my first year. i still have a lot of work to do and im actually kind of excited to do it? which is cool considering my contingency plan has always been to kill myself.
anyway. i just wanted to say that. i dont pat myself on the back very often but ive accomplished a lot this last year. and not gonna lie but ive referred to myself as “most improved patient” in my head multiple times these past few months. im in a pretty okay place right now. im glad im still here (despite the world getting worse literally every day). im glad i have people i can share that with. and i hope some day soon i can return the love and support ive been given tenfold :)
9 notes · View notes
askguyslikeus · 7 years
Photo
Tumblr media
oh shit yall send lots of questions hoo nelly answering almost all of them under the cut ,,, im gunan try and answer more technical ones first then fun ones and ones about the mod later so u dont gotta scroll all the way to the bottom for the good deets
Hi! I'm still kinda new to the blog and I was wondering what are the 'do and do-not' kind question I should do? Because im sure theres always that one ask thats just Innapropiated, like that one of Michael 'taking advantage og high Jeremy' that was just not cool.  i got this ask a lot so ill be clear with yall. im just not a big angst fan? so sending michael asks about his anxiety nonstop and about how he had a panic attack in the bathroom over and over again wasnt that fun. usually if it pertains the musical though you should be find sending an ask about it? but sometimes i get asks that are like “jeremy ur nothing and how does it feel knowing u fucked everything up” like homie how i think its feels? how u think hes gunna react to that? i made this blog to negate a lot of negativity in my own life so i can promise u im going to be answering asks mostly positive always forever. that being said tho i sometimes get asks pertaining to a few things that ive dealt with in the past and these topics make me very very uncomfortable. dont send asks about these topics please. this is the no no list
-self harm, cancer, suicide, rape, parent death, car accidents, sudden death.
What was your inspiration for this blog? hoo boy well,,, ultimately i thought of them rooming together and got emotional and made a huge list of headcanons and was like ,,, why not run an askblog for a bit ill just abandon it after three asks lets have some fun. but somehow im still here and i got sucked in by the complexity of michael and jeremy. i know that sounds kinda silly but just, as someone who is dealing with a lot of similar things, like dependency issues and abandonment issues and depression and anxiety, having these fun functioning character to explore was such a gift for me. i believe honestly thats why im still here and doing this. being able to try and portray a healthy relationship and a healthy way of coping and growing has helped me a lot this past month and given me an outlet i didnt have before. TBH THO the main reason i made this blog if imma be real with u guys id because i didnt like the treatment of a lot of these issues in the fandom. it made me very upset to see depression used as an plot device and michaels dependency issues treated as romantic so i wanted to make a blog that had little to no angst. ANYWAYS somehow im still here ,,, gvrkjvrnkjfd sorry i rambled
honestly I just wanna say first that I love his blog and your art and you're so cool and kind!! a question would be (I'm not sure if you've answered this before or not) but is there like an on going story here, or is it mostly just answering questions with the characters set in this universe? (if that makes sense I'm sorry!) thank you, you're super awesome! ❤️  djrnjg first off thank u so much aaaa,, ive kind of answered this before but its ok its been a while since then! but um i do kinda have a story but how howdy i sure am dragging my feet. the story isn a hUGE OVERARCHING EPIC OF WOE AND THIS PERSON IS UPSET AND THIS PERSON IS MAD AT THIS PERSON its just michael and jeremy getting together. i have a plan and ive talked to a few people on how i want it to happen but ive gained like ,,,, 6,000 followers since then and im kinda nervous BUT ILL DO MY BEST but also please understand that i do this for fun for myself and if i dont get to it im so so so sorry woops
i know this has been said before but i'm really really happy w how you're handling so many aspects of their characters. i.e. michael being trans, michael and jeremy's anxiety, michael's dependency issues, and other stuff i'm too tired to think of. you made the characters have even more depth than they did in the play and i'm rly grateful for the way you're dealing w my favorite boys. (also your richjake is suuuper adorable) ahhhhhh thank u so much? i talked a bit about this on my main but im really glad people are happy with my decision on this blog because im suPER SUPER NERvous anytime i post an ask dealing with these things. (ask hachi or nate i always message them like freaking out and send them my scripts and asks and wait for them to tell me its ok before i post it omg) also like i talked about before i love,,, having these fun stoner gamer boys to explore these issues with. im honestly shocked by how many people also deal with dependency issues because when i first listened to the musical i was so overwhlemed by the song michael int he bathroom because i had never heard someone basically write “dependency issue: the song” and it felt so so so good to realize i wasnt alone in this pit of despair i fall into so easily aha. but im!! glad everyone is ok with this wild ride im on right now (also thank u so much i struggle writing rich and jake but i get so emotional cause they would TOTES call each other babe)
how come you just use sketch form for most of your drawing (sketches and uses sketch for the final result)? im ,,, not really sure what this is asking but i thnk its along the lines of why do i only sketch my answers?? and i do that because dude do u see how often i post and how lONG some of them are. i made this blog for fun and i love doing comics but i hate lineart and coloring and if i tried to churn out finished pics for every post id defs have given up a few asks in,, shrugs
I want to say I love your little comics they're so funny! How long does it take you to make a comic? Are any of them based on your experiences? Ok have a nice day!  thank you! i love my little comics too! it usually takes me anywhere from an hour to five hours if im dragging my ass or talking on discord while im drawing. it can be kinda exhausting but since i took my break ive also been like, starting long comics one day and finishing them another day which, before i would do it all in one sitting then post it hahha. AS FOR EXPERIENCE the first half of the lifeguard comic was based on real life! we were stuck stoned up there for like an hour or two? but we didnt have anyone to help us but we got down eventually!! the wendys comic is also something i did because man!! i need to compliment food workers if they do a good job!! ummmmm just like jenna i also have a friend that said HAHA BYE and moved to cali and she is also lIVING IT UP and doing really well for herself and shes very independent and shes very inspiring to me! hmm i think thats it besides i used to have movie nights with my dad all the time too except we would watch my fave animated movies and sometimes lord of the rings cause my dad loved that
What kinds of things can we NOT ask ? What kinds of things do you WANT us to ask ? i covered the what not to ask in the first question so!!! um if my askbox is open and u want to respond to previous asks ive answered for the boys that would be so so so rad. sometimes im done with a certain ask and i have nothing to add but sometimes ive got more to say but am looking for an opportunity! that being said it made me really happy that i got a lot of asks about pj? shes not going to the main focus of any more asks but!!! i was nervous to introduce her and im glad u guys like her shes fun to write. but overall just general asks i can make a big ol fun story out of so!! dont worry too much about what to ask, if its something ud ask a real person and not like “lol what if ur dad died” ur gunna be fine probably
Hi! Not a question but your blog is so sweet and refreshing! I actually really appreciate that you refuse angst, that stuff tends to rub me the wrong way in fandoms... Keep taking good care of these boys ! gggg thank u!!! it means a lot to me that a lot of people are backing me up on this! i mean if u are an angst fan there are a lot of askblogs that explore that!! so its not in short supply bmc askblog fandoms got something for everyone
Which drawing program do you use?? i use paint tool sai and my tablet is a cintiq !!
this isn't really related to the faq but that bakunawa boy reference was great I LOVE THAT FIC MAN!!! the line was originally a little diff in that ask but i changed it cause ,,,, i could,,,,
an art style question. how do you keep the design of characters consistent from frame to frame? my characters they look a lil different every time I draw em (or a lot different) and it tends to disrupt the flow of my comics/animations ohh boy hoo wee props for doing animations im too scared to give that a whirl but!! it helps that i draw all the panels for an ask on one canvas! so if my next panel is going to be the same character in the same spot just in a diff pose i keep the lower layer on just at low opacity so i can use it as a ref! that helps me a lot!
Sorry if I'm nosy or rude, but are you reflecting Micheal Anxiety, Panic attacks and depence? iii think this is asking if i reflect my own issues onto them boys? and if so then yes i do. i dont place any of my own personality or anything on the boys but i do use them as a way to help me learn how to cope with my own shit and i try to deal with their issues in the healthiest way possible while also keeping in mind they are flawed individuals aaa
what are your pronouns??? and maybe your main blog??  im a cis girl so she/her is good! and my main is squigglegigs! also that being said IF YOU SEE THE USERNAME SQUIGGLEGIGS ANYWHERE JUST?? ASSUME ITS ME?? i have a twitter and an instagram and my tumblr account 
((Hello mod will Michael and Jeremy eventually someday get together. I love them.)) if all goes according to plan yes! if i get overwhelmed and stop having fun on this blog then no! sorry thems the breaks but! i do want them to get together so HOPEFULLY
going off on that confrience on pornogrefy for birds, Im geussing jeremy has played Hatoful Boyfriend. am I wrong? well it wasnt intended as that ref and i dont know anything about hatoful boyfriend but i can see jerm finding it and playing it so, sure homie! the pornography for birds thing is a my brother my brother and me reference! i love that show and them boys so give it a scope!
I'm crying bcuz Michael said he's in love with Jeremy and it's beautiful yeah that boy is DEEP IN love with his bro bro
Any advice for running an ask blog?? (Ps i love this blog keep it up) personally whats worked for me so far is doing just sketches for art. honestly ive been able to work so much more and post so much more often while also trying to work on my expressions and poses! also taking my own experiences and shaping them to fit the characters has been SO MUCH FUN. th most important thing tho is,,, dont overwork urself dude. if ur having a fun time it shows. if ur just forcing urself to churn out material and its not fun? like shit we doing this for free dont push urself? idk idk overall being looser with my art and writing the dialogue before hand has been the most helpful for me for this askblog! ive run a bunch before including @ask-maz and ive run that sporadically for ,, three or four years? its so funny cause u can see my art style juMP AROUND SO MUCH but i love that blog and i only update it like every other month or so but?? i still like doing it and no on likes those posts but it makes me smile so ANYWAYS
~ok from here on its mostly just me replying to nice messages or people asking me personal questions that dont pertain to askguyslikeus so!!~
I just wanted to say I really really love your blog and just your art in general!! Keep up the good work and hope you're having fun! thank u!!! i am having fun and im glad u enjoy it!!
What other musicals do you like? :0  i really like heathers A LOT. i also like doctor horrible i know thats not technically a musical but i just relistened to it and im emotional. i like dear evan hansen but it makes me really sad so i can only take it in moderation! ummm rent? chicago?? music man? now im just naming musicals i was in rip. being in a musical fandom is a new thing to me? i was really into heathers last year but didnt really interract with the fandom at SO THIS IS SUPER NEW?? ive never been into a musical as much as im into bmc and heathers tho
tell us a little bit about urself!! u seem v cool i am squigs or fork!! im 24 and work fulltime as a barista at starbucks! i get high on the beach with my friend gwen a lot and drink wayy to many slushies, my tv shows are brooklyn nine nine and bobs burgers right now! i table at conventions sometimes and sell my art as merch and whatnot and i cosplay as a hobby as well. im pretty boring but i draw a lot and always carry my big sketchbook with me and im pretty sure its given me back issues BUT OH WELL HAHA also i am very not cool THE TRUTH COMES OUT
Who do you most relate to from bmc and why? like ,,, a mix of michael and christine with a sprinkle of jeremy i guess ahaha i relate to michaels dependency issues and overarching positive attitude and love of music, i relate to christines bright disposition and the need to not stick to one set thing? like she loves theater cause she can be sO MANY PEOPLE and like same homie thats why i cosplay. and jeremys need to be likes while also ability to put himself out there is very relatable. i also identify strongly with his dad issues idk idk whats good
Also -- just thank you for how you handled all the panic attack and anxiety attack asks. I used to deal with anxiety attacks multiple times a day and it just was really nice that it was positive and not them having one. Thank you, sincerely. ahhhhhh ur so welcome i,,, have anxiety and it sucks and i deal with panic attacks like everyday at work so i dont really wanna come home and draw someone having one i guess? im glad its helping other people too tho!
Dude- I love your art? Actually so much? It's... I love it. The whole sketch-ish way your art style is, and the way you color, and the expressions! I'm so glad I found your work - you've given me so much inspiration. Keep doin what you're doin and I hope you have a good day! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ANytime any one compliments my expressions i die cause i legit made this blog to help with that as well ,,, like dam
im lvoe ur art style b o i :0 !!!!!!
Mod, I love you so much I love you you have my soul and my love and my eternal gratitude thank you and I love you (This is the guy who was excited about PJ on your ig live stream a while ago and I love you) !!!!!!!!! im so happy u like my content omg and that u like pj im so glad!! shes a good bean
I just wanna say... I'm crying over that post about Michael and his anxiety? cuz I know how it can feel that you're only your flaws and weaknesses, but Michael just tells that to screw off in the most wonderful way and I'm?? thank you so much for that post, I bookmarked it for future times when I can't look past my depression... honestly, that post made my day (along with every other post on this blog), thank you for being such a lovely part of this fandom ,,,, im,,,, im scared of a lot of this fandom tbh but if i can be something good that come out of it and my love of these boys and desire to show them functioning together in a healthy way can help other people its so much more than i ever thought id ever be able to do. i am blown away everyday by the support ive been given on this blog and i might be crying right now because i never thought id be able to touch other people like this and i just. im really glad yall are here with me for all this.
(To the mod: You are a beautiful person that I highly respect. I love this blog and what you set out to do. thanks for giving something that makes me smile and gives me something to look forward to everyday, keep up the good work! ❤ ) hey im still crying from the previous ask aaaaa im honestly so emotional
what are ur true feelings for wendy's??? i fucking love wendys man thats some top tier fast food right there
what fast food restaurant do you think has the best nuggets WENDYS HANDS DOWN
do you have a favorite movie? paranorman makes me very nostalgic and ive seen it like eighty times and used to watch it with my dad a lot and i love it
I would just like you to know that your Wendy's comic prompted me to pull the same thing with a bakery in the town I'm visiting and the baker got so excited and happy, so thank you for making that comic because I made that woman's day. GOOD GOOD GOOD GOOD GOOD I LOVE WHEN PEOPLE COMPLIMENT ME WHEN IM WORKING DUDE LIKE IM SO GLAD IT MADE U DO THIS!!! IM SMILING REALLY BIG!!
chocolate milk or strawberry milk? or plain? woops i hate milk im so sorry
do u love michael mell with all of ur heart, mod?  i really truly do man what a fucking good ass character
hi squigs i love you! i love your content too and i hope u have a good day pal :>  WHAT A SWEET BEAN!!! THANK YOU?? OMG
I'm just saying that recent ask you did with Michael really hit me hard because I really related to it and I started crying because it made me realize that I've been pining my self worth on everything my anxiety causes and I'm so much more than that. Thank you, so much for that I really needed it because I'm in a really bad place right now. <3 -for the mod i legit cry everytime i get asks or dms like this cause once again the idea that im helping other people is so ovwehelming i love you??? i let myself just be”depressed” for ahwile and by that i mean i just,, let my sadness consume me and i was scared of getting better cause the sadness was all i knew for so long and just. its so easy to think u are ur illness but you are so much more. soooo much more man.
I relate A Lot to Michael so the way you portray him in the blog is really good, and I think it's really awesome you refuse to like?? do terrible stuff and answer bad questions just bc people wanna see that. You run this blog really well 👌  AHHHH THis is the biggest compliment thank u so much ,,, i get real anxious bout this blog soemtiems but then yall send me sweet things like this and its worth it man
Hey mod, just know you're a really cool person. Thanks for running this blog in the first place. Keep doing the great work.  thank you!!!! for ur support!!!! 
not really a question!! i just wanted to say your posts on this blog always brighten my day and you're really an incredible artist and person, keep rockin on my dude!! *clutching my heart* the fuck this is so sweet
1 .I just wanted to say your blog is really awesome! It's very lovely. I also like how you made michael trans and like handled it? (just with how all the characters treat him and stuff its v nice). Your art is super duper! Thanks for running this awesome blog! 2. Hey! This isn't a question but I wanted to say that I appreciate michael being trans!! As a trans boy it's just rly awesome to see something like that casually thrown into an ask blog without making it a huge weird deal :D immm,,, i kinda really love the idea of michael being trans cause a lot of my trans male friends are actually pretty confident in their skin and michael is a very confident character? and u rarely see that with trans representation and its so refreshing to see it portrayed well. im trying to do that here but again if! i do anything wrong let me know!
how did you first get into art? (also i really love your blog, it's amazing!) ive been drawing as long as i remember! ive got mad adhd and wasnt diagnosed until late in ym life so i would just draw nonstop in my classes ahaha i used to read the sunday comics a lot and they really inspired me to try and make comics of my own too!! (and omg thank u) 
someone also asked me if i went to church or was religious but tumblr ate the ask but i used to go to church a lot as a kid but im currently not religious at all aaa
ok holy shit that was a lot but thanks again to everyone i legit cry a lot about how supportive u all are thank u so much aaaa
325 notes · View notes
d-erica · 4 years
Text
worth living
Life is as beautiful as you can possibly make it out to be.Life is very much taken for granted. But everyones perspective is different. We can deny it as much as we want, but the ugly truth is that at some point almost everyone has sat in their bed in complete darkness and hoped and prayed for a better or just in general a different life. But we didnt magically get that now did we? No. This post is primarily my past perspective on life. I dont know if anyone else has felt or at least thought in this same way, but this is my input. Now I am not going to sit here and write lies saying that my life was consistent of good or of bad. Childhood was really weird and awkward for me. My memory has blocked alot of those earlier days out primarily because I never learned the basics of being in touch with my emotions so yes in elementary i had bestfriends, but what everyone else felt it seemed kind of impossible and foreign to me. I didnt understand the meaning of hugs and of saying the words ‘’ I love you’’. Saying the word ‘’bye’’ always rubbed me off the wrong way because I knew at a young age that when i said  that word to my dad before he was stationed overseas in the air force that that potentionally could be the last time that Id be considered ‘’daddys little girl’’. I knew too soon that things couldnt be perfect forever so I already started putting up a wall trying to  protect myself from any harm or abandonment. I grew up with the same routine all the way up to high school avoiding certain interactions and any type of physical affection. I came off as nonchalant or as alot of people would refer to me as ‘’emotionless’’. I knew for a fact that I had emotions and some type of heart deep down inside of me somewhere. My comedy made up for the missing aspects of me i guess. At least for awhile. Fast forward to sophmore year of high school. Something in me changed, it was like a switch. Sixteen years of built up anger, disgust, sadness all came and took control over my entire mind,body,and soul. The funny, lively side of me people once loved changed, people saw the drastic change. I knew they knew something was wrong, and alot of people tried their best to uplift me but no matter what they said. I was still me, I was still the only one in my head. I made myself think and feel like I was all in this alone and that i couldnt get pulled out of this rut. I was just so bitter to the world, just so over basically everything. For someone who used to cry twice a year, i started to cry like five times a day everyday of each month in that time frame. These feelings went on for such a long time that I started to hate myself for me being so uncontrollably sad and weak all of the time. My grades in school went down and down. My family life was at the peak of being the worse thing Ive ever had to see. I think i was just overall disgusted with the way I allowed myself to bury myself in my bed and my feelings without seeking or reaching out for help. During the time frame, I lost all ability or energy to go to school, sleep at night causing my extreme insomnia even now to this day, perform my best at my job, be happy in public settings with friends, leave my room to show my face to my family, and mainly stopped eating and drinking appropriately, I lost like fifty pounds just during the time of being so numb and hopeless. My bones became brittle so I could sometimes barely stand without feeling like falling over. This basically just gave people bigger and stronger than me the green light to sexually abuse and psychically abuse me. Everyday it seemed like another thing to break me. Months went by and I just grew tired. Absolutely tired, exhausted, literally depression won over and over again. My mind shifted from feeling utterly lonely to developing to mental nightmares. No matter how much trauma Ive witnessed or been through, my thoughts are what ruined me, No one else did that to me. Only thing that went through my head was how and what was the easiest way i could possibly die, I didnt want this life. Obviously the odds werent in my favor. Obviously I was a lost cause because no matter what loved ones said or did it didnt stick with me throughout my whole day. Therapy didnt help probalby because I sat there stubborn for two hours with blank eyes, they offered prescriptions that seemed like placebo. ‘’ Here take this when you wake up every morning so you can start off with a clear mind.’’ Yall know how hard it is to look in the face of a therapist you had since seventh grade and hold back the words ‘’ Mrs. Witherspoon I dont plan on waking up in the morning, Im really tired you know.’’ I never told her that and couldnt bring myself to say ‘’bye’ because it brought me back to childhood where I knew itd be the last time. I wrote my notes to individual people. I knew what action I was going to take that night to finally put things and myself to rest. I was on the edge of putting myself at peace then like in a split second difference I got a ft call that I didnt answer. Seeing the name of the person made me stop in my tracks though and something told me to check my messages and look at the previous loving paragraphs Ive ever gotten. I just could not continue. I knew the people in my life didnt deserve the heartache and confusion that would be left after my self afflicted passing. I burned the handwritten goodbye notes and went to sleep . I vowed that I wouldnt put myself in that situation ever again. Yes, things in my life didnt magically improve but I did try to look at things in a different manner. Months went past and I wasnt in as a bad place anymore, but I just wasnt fit for some relationships anymore because it was just unfair to give half of me all the time when people did nothing but give me love and sense of patience all the time. I guess there was alot of pressure to be perfect and it sort of started messing with my mind seeing everyone happy and wondering why Im not i guess. People definitely deserve better than what I ever had to offer, I wish nothing but the best for anyone who has stuck with me in the times around a year ago. Fast forward it is the middle of senior year and I am really happy right now. Ive gained alittle weight, I feel beautiful in my own skin, my grades are so muc better. I should get at least three to four cords at graduation from my honor society clubs here this upcoming spring .Isolating myself in a positive way and letting go of bad situations and coping mechanisms was the best decision I have done. Lately Ive been taking one day at a time. This transformation definitely wasnt overnight, it was like a two year process. Even though some things from those times are still hard to think about, im forever grateful for the hardships and obstacles. Life experiences definitely has shaped me into the young woman I am now, I was kind of mature before everything but this definitely pushed me to see clearly and handle things with more thought and overall process of how and when to react. I used to pray that I could have a diiferent life and even though this is not exactly what I meant, It is still really good at the moment. Ive reconnected with some people from the past, and Ive also attracted more people recently who have come my bestfriends, Things do look up eventually. Life is truly what YOU make it.
0 notes
stonermurphy · 7 years
Note
*kicks down door* You should talk to me about NB Connor because NB Connor is the best.
um yes of course i’ll talk about my fave NB kid in the world?? 
ahjdgajhgdjhga this is WAY longer than i thought it would be so headcanons are under the cut 
they’ve always loved doing gender conformingstuff from a very very young age, like painting their nails, wearing skirts,growing their hair out long, etc.,,, theres a ton of pictures of a rly littleconnor murphy running around in skirts and pigtails with their nails paintedall different colors,,, even still they HATED being called a girl, almost asmuch as they hated being told to ‘man up’ and ‘act like a boy’
zoe, their trans girl sister, came out when shewas 6 or 7, causing a lot of jealousy and resentment from connor. Jealousy becushe wished he could be as confident in one gender over another as she is but insteadhe just hates them both,,, and resentment becus their parents know how tohandle zoes situation waay better than they did connors (connor doesnt realizethat’s only because their parents had learned from their experience with them)
after zoe came out they stopped dressing up asmuch,, they didn’t feel comfortable dressing as girl when they weren’t one whenzoe was actually trying to live her life as a girl. They ended giving all their‘girly things’ to zoe as hand-me-downs and even let larry take them to get ahaircut
they realize they’re gay when about 13 or 14,,, havinggrown up hearing a lot of stereotypical homophobic rhetoric (not from theirparents specifically) they half believed the gay men dress up as womenstereotype and chalked up their gender issues to having issues with beinggay. They try their best to put out oftheir head how badly being called a boy or a girl makes them feel and focus onbeing comfortable with liking boys
when they started really go through the thick oftheir mental illness they grew their hair back out (mostly out ofdepression and an unwillingness to get things done) and started painting theirnails again (chipped black that would stay on for weeks,, never the freshlypainted rainbows from when they were young) and went back to questioning themselfon the daily. Im talking staying awake at night thinking “am I actually agirl?? no definitely not being seen as a girl sucks,,,, but I don’t think im aboy?? definitely not a girl and maybe not a boy what the fuck does that mean??”(they know they could probably google shit but their paranoia makes them tooworried someone will find out what they were googling and ask them about it andthey absolutely could not handle that conversation)
after their failed suicide attempt they spendthree weeks in the psych ward where they’re asked whether theyre comfortablewith their gender and sexuality and they lie through their teeth. They’re notcomfortable, they’ve never been comfortable, but theyre not about to tell thatto a strange. Saying theywere comfortable and happy with themselves in that regard felt like a punch inthe gut.
when they get home they have a whole list ofcoping skills and a ‘protection plan’ in place and theyre almost excited to seethings change for the better. they get meds, they get a therapist, and thingsare still really really rough but theyre actually trying now,,, and they wantso bad to rebuild their relationship with their family (mostly zoe, they knowwhat they’ve done to her and have no plans to forgive themself for it even ifshe eventually by some miracle does)
in an effort to actually work towards recoverythey try to figure themself outa bit and go back to doing their hair up and painting their nails differentcolors,, they even go so far as to get themselves some skirts and dresses fromgoodwill (only ever worn when the rest of the murphys are out of the house) andinstead of worrying about what those things mean they let themselves just enjoythe things they used to enjoy so much
zoe notices. she notices how hard they’re tryingnow. she notices how much less frequent their outbursts and episodes are. shenotices them specifically trying their best to be nice to her, to be a goodolder sibling. she notices how relaxed they look when theyre painting their nails, when theyre justfocusing on themselves instead of the world around them. she notices theyre a lotmore like the person she used to know. she also, thank god, notices thesick-to-my-stomach look connor gets when someone confuses them for a girl, andthe hesitation to correct them and say they were a boy. zoe notices all thesethings and they all point her in the direction of wanting to help her sibling,wanting them to know who they were.
·Her absolute first move is to drag connor along totheir high schools GSA,, having already asked alana (the genderqueer lesbian president)to make the subject of the next meeting a discussion on nonbinary genders. shesreally super confident they just need some things explained to them and thenthey’ll at least be on the right track.
Connor gets EXTREMELY overwhelmed at the idea ofso many fucking genders,, like they already hated the two and now theres so somany more for them to rifle through and figure out don’t fit them either. They kindof panic and leave in the middle of the meeting, not wanting to hear any more thanthey already did,, zoe chases after them and they absolutely pour their heartout in one long garbled paragraph that they barely breathe through before zoejust kind of pats him on the back like “you know its totally fine to just,, nothave a gender. Like that’s how a lot of people use the overarching nonbinaryterm, to just mean ‘genderless’” and that,,, genuinely calms them down. likeall those terms were so MUCH but just not having to deal with gender at allsounded SO appealing
and that’s kind of just?? It?? Like they knownow that gender doesn’t really HAVE to be a thing for them at all and they decidethat’s absolutely how they want to live their life so they straight up do,, being gay is the only thing that connects them to gender in anyway and tho that takes time to come to terms with on its own they really are genuinely happier now that theyre not left wondering whether theyre a boy or a girl
they still dont wear skirts or dresses in public anymore, but theyre fine wearing them around zoe and eventually theyre fine wearing them amongst their other friends as well (didnt take too long considering alana evan and jared arent cis either),, not to mention the shift in mood that came with their friends referring to them with they/them pronouns and gender neutral language 
the end, connor is living their best life with friends and a sister who absolutely support them for who they are and are more than happy to help them through their rough days becus theyre willing to the same for all of them as well thank you 
62 notes · View notes
elvesofnoldor · 7 years
Text
lmao im kind of afraid of talking to my profs from major thesis project course about my project, cause im THIS CLOSE to going off on both of their stuck up faces. I didn’t want to talk about this on this blog for at least a month now cause i know its gonna turns to 30 paragraphs and everybodys gonna hate me for that. but i have to talk abt this now cause i gotta cope lol!!! 
i s2g everybody in the class knows that they have been anything but helpful when it comes to supervising our project, and their suggestions are usually so subjective af. The fact that they structure a 4th year THESIS course with full year course load into ONE TERM is already hazardous as it is, they literally failed several people’s mid term progress report presentation on ARBITRARY TERMS (i passed, fortunately, but my grade was not pretty). it was twenty fucking five present of people’s overall grade, and it’s not like people didn’t meet the very VAGUE guideline they provided for this presentation--which is just to show them what we have done so far. It was a progress report, and I’ve talked to several people in class about it, we all agree that we are not supposed to be graded on WHETHER OR NOT THEY LIKE OUR WORK OR NOT, they are supposed to grade us on how much we’ve done. In their feedback for me, they makes suggestions of what i should have done and it’s like??? well you didn’t tell anyone what you wanted from this presentation, so are we supposed to just KNOW? Also, they literally could not muster a convincing reason for FAILING PEOPLE in the class on that mid term presentation!! and 5 fucking people went to the department head about their shit experience in the course, and if worst comes to worst, i WILL be the sixth person to go the department head. 
last time i talked to one of them--frances-- about my project, she obviously didn’t like my unfinished rough cut of my short film, and decided that it was garbage based on that. Like i didnt do sound editing, colour correction--ANYTHING yet, i just put together some raw footage!!! she hasn’t even SEEN the entire thing, and I’m drawing inspiration from a director with very volatile and strange visual style and editing! A director that she obviously isn’t at all familiar with!!! (its wong kar wai, btw) SHIT even some of his films are hard to appreciate if you are not used to his kind of cinematography, and he’s a internationally acclaimed director that shoots his films on A. BUDGET, with PROFESSIONAL ACTORS WHO ARE MOVIE STARS, professional cinematographer and a decent sized crew of professional people, AS WELL AS BOUGHT EQUIPMENT THAT PROBABLY DOESN’T BREAK ALL THE TIME. Whereas im a film student shooting with no crew, no help from my goddamn profs that are supposed to supervise our projects, and shitty ass equipment that does not WORK sometimes (it’s such a thrill to work with audio equipment because oh bOY sometimes the shotgun mic just doesn’t record for no reason lol).
Honestly ive been really fucking depressed bc of this project, well im depressed in general but there is also this fucking project that makes it worse but its fine lol, and bc of that i had a hard time even touching the project. I reshoot two core scenes last Sunday and that’s all i fucking did. We are supposed to present our WIP for final feedback this week before presenting our work for real next week, and obviously im not ready since i can’t edit this film i just can’t. Every time i opened the editing program, and started editing i just couldn’t do it after a while cause i felt like no matter what i do its gonna be horrible and i will get a bad grade on my final project. I started to doubt my script, i started to doubt everything, and i couldn’t edit anything after Frances basically passed final value judgement on a VERY ROGH AND WIP version or something she doesnt like or yet to understand. And its stupid, but because of that fear of not achieving what i wanted to achieve, i couldn't do much editing. After I talked to Frances 1-2 weeks ago, i accommodated by planning to make a video essay to give context to the short film i will be screening either fucking way. I was gonna do a paper before deciding to concentrate on shooting the film. Frances straight up told me that i shouldn’t even show this film, she’s like “do you want to show people this?”, yes bitch i actually do, and how do u know its gonna be shitty when it’s NOT EVEN close to finished??? 
im just ranting here so i can calm myself down a little before going to see her today. I had good experiences in three of her classes before (got all As from them), PLUS she WROTE my reference letters for grad school, so i dont really want to end up in her bad book; but i know shes not the best prof and i took issue with how she structured her courses before (dude i learned NOTHING from screenwriting class, cause she just goes through the processes of writing a ten page screenplay and that’s fucking it. it doesnt matter i got an A from that course i just didnt learn much). Believe me, i was raised to not question teachers’ teaching methods and authorities, and if i take issues with profs and teachers it’s usually because they have done something seriously wrong. I dont think they gonna budge on giving me a better grade for mid term, but at least i want her to know what my main argument is in the video essay, just so i know if she has any constructive criticisms to give, because there is no point showing her a slightly updated version of the rough cut lol. im gonna have to muster all the strength i have to at least make the video essay by tomorrow morning to show to the class, and maybe a good clip from the film. Jesus Fucking Christ, i actually need this course to graduate cause its a 400 level 4th year course. Even tho i dont think im gonna fail i kinda want a decent grade for this course lol. 
0 notes