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steddielvr · 3 years

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are you alright?

alastair carstairs x herondale!reader (platonic), matthew fairchild x reader (romantic) and a mention of thomas x alastair (romantic)

warnings: angst (?), fluff, ooc alastair (possibly)

word count: 2030 words

summary/request: ‘Alright this is going to sound really confusing, but could i request a platonic Alastair Carstairs x Herondale!Reader? (I absolutely adore your Herondale!reader fanfics!) It could be set at the ball in COI when Matthew and Cordelia dance and maybe the reader likes Matthew so it makes her sad and jealous so she leaves for some fresh air outside? Alastair notices and follows after her and it’s obviously awkward at first but then they kind of just open up to each other and have a heart to heart? Mainly platonic Alastair fluff but could you also sprinkle in some Matthew x reader and some Thomastair? Idk if that made sense but thank you in advance if you write this!!’ from anon.

a/n: ahhh i loved this request so much!! alastair deserves so much love and i was so happy to write this for you (and him). also, i’m so glad you enjoy my herondale!reader fics, i was starting to think they were getting annoying so that makes me happy :)) i made thomas and the reader parabatai too because i thought it fit the request! i hope you enjoy lovely, apologies if alastair is out of character <33

also, i would like to dedicate this to my wonderful friend @livvyheronstairs !! congratulations on passing your year my love, i am so unbelievably proud of you🥺 i love you lots and i hope you enjoy this fic😚

Why him?

You understood perfectly that now James and Cordelia were married, your brother was not supposed to dance with his wife at these types of events but why did that mean that Matthew had to be the one to do it?

Deep down, your heart melted at the kindness the boy had shown, asking Cordelia to dance after seeing how miserable the poor girl clearly looked. But that emotion was pushed aside and sadness and jealousy had surfaced in its place after seeing them laugh together, heads bent close with the blonde’s arms wound securely around her.

You had endured it for as long as you could, trying to keep a polite smile on your face as you stood on the sidelines of the ballroom, partnerless as all of your friends had already taken to the floor with others, doing your best to keep your eyes moving across the countless dancing couples. But somehow, you were always drawn to the sight of them, looking perfectly content in the presence of one another, Matthew’s adoration for the girl clearly written across his perfect features.

You had fled the Wentworth’s ballroom as soon as an opportunity presented itself, slipping away whilst everyone was distracted. It wasn’t as if anyone was going to miss you; those who bothered to talk to you were busy either dancing or mingling with the other guests at the party. Even your parabatai and cousin had found themselves dance partners and left you alone, shocking you as both boys usually tried to avoid the dance floor in favour of sitting and chatting idly amongst one another.

And now, here you were: sitting silently on a nearby bench, the brisk wind nipping at your skin as you cursed yourself for forgetting your coat inside the ballroom. But the fresh air did you good, making a start at clearing the fogginess inside your head. You close your eyes briefly, breathing in the night air and slumping further against the bench as your body relaxes slightly.

“Are you alright?”

You start, eyes snapping open and landing on the owner of the voice that broke your peaceful moment. Alastair Carstairs stands before you, face sheepish and stance painfully awkward.

“I’m fine.” you respond curtly, not sure why the boy had even approached you or why he was out here in the first place. “What do you want, Carstairs?” you snap, your exhaustion catching up with you and the memories of the boy from the Academy clouding your judgement.

He recoils slightly, expression hardening at your tone of voice. You instantly feel guilty, knowing that the boy meant well and you were taking your frustration with Matthew and your unrequited feelings for him out on the Carstairs boy.

“I saw you leave in a hurry. You looked upset. I thought I’d check if you were alright but I guess I’ll just-” Alastair responds, a brief flash of hurt clouding his features as he turns to head back to the Wentworth’s home.

“Wait,” you call out, the boy stopping in his tracks but not turning to look back at you. “I’m...sorry, Alastair. I didn’t mean to… I’m just sorry, alright?” you fumble for the right words, smiling slightly in apology when he turns back to face you again. “Thank you for checking on me. You didn’t have to.”

“Well, we are technically family now, right?” he jokes, his defensive posture relaxing a little at your words. “May I?” he gestures to the seat beside you, sitting down when you nod in response.

“You don’t have to sit here with me. Were you not enjoying the party?” you ask politely, still uncertain on how to act around him, especially with the rough history between him and your friend group.

“Oh, of course.” he responds sarcastically, scoffing at your question. “What’s not to like about having to stand around in uncomfortable clothing, asking people I’ve never even met to dance and watching all the happy couples laughing and joking together?”

Your brows furrow at the bitterness in his tone, clearly seeing that something about the night was bothering him.

“Weren’t you dancing with Ariadne? Did something happen?” you question curiously, wondering what could have made him so frustrated.

“Ariadne…yes, she’s nice and all. But if I had a choice, she wouldn’t have been the one I asked to dance with me..” he trails off, eyes sad and tone wistful before he straightens in surprise, instantly regretting his words. “Uh-I mean-uh”

“Relax, Alastair..” you chuckle, placing a comforting hand on the boy’s forearm. “Between you and me, he was probably thinking the same thing.”

Alastair’s eyes widen in shock, flitting around the two of you nervously as if someone was around you listening in.

“I-I don’t think I understand what you’re referring to.” he mumbles, clearing his throat nervously.

“He’s my parabatai, Carstairs. I know him better than anyone in the world.” you laugh, shivering as a particularly vicious gust of wind hits you. “But don’t worry. I would never tell anyone.”

He stares at you in surprise for a second, blinking rapidly before looking away. His shoulders slump slightly in relief but he straightens again when he notices you shiver. He quickly shrugs off his coat, wrapping it securely around your shoulders with a sheepish smile.

“Thank you.” you smile back at him, disbelief clouding your voice at his kind actions.

He notices, backing away with a small chuckle.

“I won’t bite, you know.” he jokes, before his smile falls. “Listen, I know I did some unspeakable things to you and your friends when we were at the Academy-“

“Don’t.” you stop him, holding up a hand to seize his rambling. “It’s in the past. We weren’t exactly saints anyway. Besides, people change.” you shrug, pulling his coat tighter around your shoulders. “I’m sorry it took me so long to see that you have.”

Now it’s his turn to look at you in disbelief, obviously not expecting you to forgive him so easily.

“O-oh. Yeah, uh, no problem.” he replies, lost for words. “So…you want to talk about it?”

“About what?”

“About why you came running out here when all your friends and family are in there.” he asks, gesturing in the direction of the Wentworth’s house.

The realisation sets on your face, the recollection of the evening coming back to you.

“My evening was similar to yours, I suppose.” you laugh bitterly. “Although at least you were dancing with someone.”

His face contorts into a sympathetic expression, smiling sadly at you.

“Let me guess. Fairchild?” he says, your eyes snapping to his at the question.

“How did you-Am I really that obvious?” you groan, head falling into your hands in embarrassment.

“Hey, not at all.” he nudges you playfully. “I’m just observant. I mean, of the people you are always with, one is your brother, one is your cousin and one is your parabatai. That doesn’t leave many options.”

“I could have other friends.” you try in defence but you give up with the look he throws your way. “Okay, fine. Yes, it’s Matthew. I’m in love with my brother’s parabatai. And he doesn’t feel the same.”

Alastair feels his heart break slightly at the defeated look on your face. He knew first-hand the pain of loving someone so fiercely and feeling as though that love was not returned. But, as he said, he was observant, so he also knew that Matthew Fairchild was just as much in love with you as you were with him.

He had seen the longing looks thrown your way by the blonde boy, the love-struck smile reserved only for you, the way his eyes would find you instantly the second you walked into a room etcetera etcetera. If that wasn’t love, he didn’t know what was.

“How do you know he doesn’t feel the same?” he asks, shrinking back slightly at the look you give him.

“How do I know? Well, let’s see. One: he flirts with every person he sees. Two: he’s my brother’s parabatai so he probably only sees me the same way he sees Lucie; like a little sister. Three: he’s never given me any indication he feels the same. And four: well, anyone can see the way he looks at your sister.” you list the reasons off on your fingers, your voice trailing off on the last one.

“Cordelia?! You think Fairchild is in love with his parabatai’s wife?” Alastair retorts incredulously.

“I was watching them all night, Alastair. I know what I saw.” you grumble, crossing your arms stubbornly.

“Two friends having fun dancing together? Come on, Herondale! He was just relieving my sister of her boredom now that James can’t dance with her at these things.” he tries to reason with you, but you shake your head defiantly.

“You didn’t see what I saw, Carstairs! He loves her!”

“He loves you, you idiot!” he exclaims, shaking his head at your obliviousness. “Anyone with eyes can see that he completely adores you. I bet if we went back there right now, he would be waiting for you, worried about where you’ve been.”

“He-he doesn’t- he can’t..” you stumble over your words in shock, refusing to believe the boy's words. “You’re lying..”

He stands from the bench, brushing off his clothes and holding out a hand to you.

“Care to find out?” he grins obnoxiously, raising his eyebrows in challenge.

You scoff, shaking your head at his antics before realising he isn’t joking. You glance between his face and his hand in surprise before shrugging, taking his hand and pulling yourself to your feet. You brush off your dress, handing Alastair his coat back before tucking your arm through his own, the two of you making your way back to the ballroom.

Alastair lets go of your arm when you reach the ballroom, giving you a look before entering first. You wait a few moments before following suit, your eyes drifting around the room slowly, doing your best to look unsuspicious.

“Y/N/N!”

Sure enough, Alastair was right. Matthew Fairchild was elbowing his way through the crowd towards you, worry evident on his face. He takes your arms gently in his hands when he reaches you, eyes scanning your body frantically, checking for any possible injuries.

“Are you alright? Where on earth have you been?” he questions you, eyes wild as he awaits your answer.

“I..” you stutter, at a loss for words as hope begins to settle in your chest. Could Alastair have been right about everything he said? “I’m alright, Math. I just stepped out for a bit of fresh air.”

“A bit of fresh- why didn’t you tell anyone? By the Angel, one minute you’re standing there, the next you aren’t. Don’t do that to me!” he exclaims, eyes pleading and swimming with anxiety.

“Hey, I’m sorry.” you shush him, cupping his cheek in your palm gently. “I won't do it again, alright? I didn’t know you were even paying attention to me.”

“Of course I was. I always-“ he breaks off, face falling at the realisation of what he was about to say. “I, uh, I mean-you were my next victim.” he laughs off his stutter, hoping you wouldn’t have noticed. “I was waiting for the song to be over so I could steal you for a dance.”

“You wanted to dance with me?” you whisper, voice uncertain.

“Of course I did! Cordelia’s great but no one is a better dancing duo than us, Y/N/N.” he jokes, back to his usual self. “Now, come along. I’m stealing that dance now. And, maybe the next one, to get you back for giving me a heart attack.” he winks, hands sliding down your arms to take your hands in his own.

You let him lead you to the dance floor with no restraint, head swarming with the new revelation of Matthew possibly returning your feelings. As he guides you through the crowd, your eyes lock with Alastair’s, a smug grin on his lips. You chuckle, smiling gratefully at him before Matthew takes you into his arms, swaying you slowly as you wait for the next song to start.

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clockwork-angels · 3 years

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TLH Will/Jem Moments That Break My Heart (part 1/?)

Part 1: Chain of Gold

James’s father, Will, had often told him about the patrols he used to do with his parabatai, Jem Carstairs—now James’s uncle Jem—back when they had battled demons nearly every night.

》 i dunno why but for some reason this brings me to tears

I think this next one is the part everyone cried at. But I gotta say i literally had to close the book when i read it and then i wept for literally 10 minutes:

The night after they learned of Linette’s and Edmund’s deaths, Will had been sitting on the floor in the drawing room, Tessa in the overstuffed armchair behind him, and Lucie and James had been stretched upon the fireplace rug. Will’s back had been against Tessa’s legs as he stared unseeing into the fire. They had all heard the front doors open; Will had looked up when Jem came in, and Jem, in his Silent Brother robes, went over to Will and sat down beside him. He drew Will’s head against his shoulder, and Will held the front of Jem’s robes in his fists and he cried. Tessa bowed her head over both of them, and the three were united in adult grief, a sphere James could not yet touch.

this one is just purely hilarious, but also imagine Will teasing Jem about 'how proud he is that his parabatai has finally found a sense of humour':

On one memorable occasion, Jem borrowed Matthew’s dog, Oscar Wilde, riled him up, and released him on an unsuspecting James during breakfast.

James thought some of Jem’s training ideas were deliberate pranks—Silent Brothers had the best poker faces he could imagine, after all. His father assured him that it wasn’t in Jem’s nature, and that however odd the training, he was sure it was intended sincerely.

i love crying about both Jem/Will and James/Matthew after reading a single paragraph

Jem’s violin had pride of place—a Stradivarius carved of mellow wood, it rested in an open case atop a high table. James had seen his father come into this room just to touch the violin sometimes, a faraway look in his eyes. He wondered if he would do the same with Matthew’s belongings if one day, he lost his parabatai.

laughing through the tears

The door opened, and Will stuck his head into the music room. He looked weary, his shirtsleeves rolled to the elbow, his shirt stained with tinctures and salve. Still, he smiled when he saw James and Jem. “Is everything all right?”

“Uncle Jem was worried about me,” said James. “But I am quite well.”

Will came up to his son and pulled him into a quick, rough hug. He said, “I am glad to hear it, Jamie bach. Gideon and Sophie have arrived, and to see them with Barbara—” He kissed the top of James’s head. “It does not bear thinking of.”

I should return to the infirmary, said Jem. There is much still for me to do.

Will nodded, releasing James. “I know Gideon and Sophie would feel better if you were the one tending Barbara. Not to insult Brother Shadrach, who I’m sure is an excellent and well-respected member of the Brotherhood.”

Jem shook his head, which was as close as he got to smiling, and the three of them left the music room.

“The only equivalent in real life is memory,” Tessa said, looking up as Will Herondale came into the room, followed by Cousin Jem. “But memories can be bitter as well as sweet.”

“Is it selfishly awful to worry that all this business will delay our becoming parabatai? I feel I will be a better Shadowhunter when it is done. Were you not one, after you became parabatai with Uncle Jem?”

“A better Shadowhunter and a better man,” said Will. “All the best of me, I learned from Jem and your mother. All I want for you and Cordelia is to have what I had, a friendship that shall shape all your days. And never to be parted.”

#8 Will being Will AKA Will seeking solace in Jem

Will had been angry at the world, and then gone to see Jem.

Will wanting to immediately share the exciting news with Jem is something that can be so personal

A broad smile spread across Will’s face.

“Then we have no choice but to give our blessing too. Cordelia Carstairs,” he said, “the Carstairs and the Herondales will be bonded even more closely now. If James could have chosen his wife from all the women in all the worlds that are or ever were, I would wish for no other.”

Tessa laughed. “Will! You cannot compliment our new daughter only on the chance of her last name!”

Will was grinning like a boy. “Wait until I tell Jem—”

#10

Was it strange for Will, she wondered, to be aging and have Jem remain in appearance still a boy? Or when you loved someone, did you not notice these things, just as her parents saw no difference between themselves?

#11

any reminder that Jem and Will were parabatai brings me to tears

“But I did it for Cordelia!” she exclaimed, as her parents drew back, her mother seating herself on the bed beside Lucie, where she could hold her hand. “You would have done it for Jem, Papa, when you were parabatai.”

Will leaned back against a post of the bed. “You aren’t parabatai with Cordelia yet.”

#12

It was his father, but Will was not alone: Uncle Jem was with him, a noiseless presence in his drifting parchment robes. His hood was down, as it often was when he was inside the Institute. Will had told James many years ago that when Jem had first become a Silent Brother, he had not liked people to see his scars. It was strange to think of Uncle Jem having such feelings.

“Someone’s here to see you,” Will said, moving aside to let Jem pass into the room. He glanced from his son to his old parabatai.

#13

If you saw humanity as I can see it, Uncle Jem said. There is very little brightness and warmth in the world for me. There are only four flames, in the whole world, that burn fiercely enough for me to feel something like the person I was. Your mother, your father, Lucie, and you.

#14

“Will.” Tessa sank down beside him on the bed. “There is no war.”

She knew why he worried. For them, there had been war, and loss. Tessa’s brother, Nate. Thomas Tanner. Agatha Grant. Jessamine Lovelace, their friend, who now guarded the London Institute in ghostly form. And Jem, who they had both lost and kept.

(stay tuned for part 2 with Chain of Iron snippets and snippets from the Tessa/Will wedding short story)

#tsc #cassandra clare #the last hours #chain of gold #heronstairs #jem carstairs #brother zachariah #will herondale #parabatai #tlh #chog #the shadowhunter chronicles

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anarmorofwords · 3 years

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Why Cordelia going to Matthew's and leaving for Paris made perfect sense

I've been thinking about this a lot, and I know it's a hot topic in the fandom. When I initially read ChoI, I was very on board with this - yes, it wouldn't help them and was reckless and selfish and all that, but story-wise and character arc wise, it was a decision I enjoyed.

After some time in the fandom I sort of changed my mind, focusing strongly on the negative consequences and Sona/Alastair.

Not so long ago, I was whining with Lela @alastair-esfandiyar-carstairs1 about the "If he hurts you, come back home" quote and the lost potential there. You know I live for Carstairs siblings content.

And to be fair, I'm still mad about that.

But just as making all the good decisions wouldn't make for very compelling storytelling, judging these poor dumbasses' choices too harshly makes little sense to me, especially when we're dissecting their actions while forgetting the circumstances, the emotions, and the fact that these characters aren't aware of all the things readers are aware of.

And thinking about Cordelia's pov, it's actually pretty clear to me why she would go to Matthew of all people, and why she did leave for Paris.

We're talking about how selfish it was to leave her heavily pregnant mother and brother who's been through so much and would really use her support, and when you put it this way, it sure sucks.

But it's not at all the way Cordelia sees this.

At the end of ChoI it's clear just how heavily she's crushed by being Lilith's paladin. That's her main focus, something that occupies - haunts - her thoughts all the time. She's not only ashamed, she's scared. She's scared she will hurt people (she already got dangerously close to that once), and she wants to save her family from possible negative repercussions. So she's not abandoning her family - she's removing herself from their vicinity, to make sure they won't become casualties of her mistake.

Obviously that's not her one and only motivation. She's a 17 year old girl whose heart has just been broken, which, frankly, would have been reason enough. But then there's also things she's been through before that - from the complicated marriage (that she's awfully young for), the constant threat of a serial killer, and her father's tragic death.

Then there's her seeking comfort from Matthew instead of Alastair, and the more I thought about it, the more it made sense, too. I used to think "home" should be her first instinct, where she heads immediately, because that's the most natural thing. And her home is obviously her family, her brother.

Except... her relationship with Alastair is still a little shaky and unsure, and regardless of their efforts, they still aren't particularly close when it comes to sharing their feelings with each other.

Moreover, when it comes to the marriage/James... Cordelia doesn't want to dissapoint her mother - being a good daughter, upholding/saving family's reputation and overall living up to the "golden child" title is basically one of her main drivers throughout the series. And in her eyes, the truth behind her marriage to James is a big failure in all those areas. Add cheating to that? She thinks admitting that to Sona would break her mother's heart and also cause her shame, which she wants to avoid. I think she's partly ashamed of admitting all that to Alastair, too. We know she likes making her brother proud, and he warned her against being with James, which she didn't listen to. And if her pride wouldn't be wounded enough by that, there's also the fact that she still loves James. I think she fears Alastair would judge her for that. And if there's anything that might keep you from seeking comfort from the people you love, it's the fear of facing their dissaproval and causing them pain.

Matthew, however, is someone whose presence allows her to feel free and comfortable, and be herself, with no expectations attached. Most importantly though, he's the only person who already knows everything - not only about the nature of the marriage, but about Cordelia's true feelings for James, too. And he feels for her, understands her, and offers support with no judgement or pity. Like him or not, Matthew's been a steady friend - perhaps the closest one - to her for the past four months.

Now, to get back to the Paladin point once again, Matthew is someone who's also made a terrible mistake, which consequences still haunt him. Someone who considers himself a monster - and although Cordelia doesn't agree with that, that means he will understand her own guilt and terror. I don't know about you, but I personally sometimes forget just how horrifying the whole Lilith ordeal must have been to Cordelia - while she almost killed her best friend. That's awful, traumatising, and absolutely a valid reason for her to be slightly out of it.

Lastly, a small but not insignificant thing that might have also played into her decision, in my opinion - this girl deserves a break, goddamit. Through lonely, uneventful childhood, to the stressful time she spent trying to salvage family's reputation, constantly keeping herself in check and plotting, and finally to an emotionally draining marriage she's never had a chance to let go and have fun and feel free. We see the longing for that clearly during her car journey with Matthew - the longing to escape the weigh she herself - and others - have put on her shoulders. She wants to just breathe for a moment, instead of being a golden child, a respectable heiress of a famous family, a perfect wife.

So in a way, she is running away from her mistakes, responsibilities, and consequences, but doesn't she have every right to do that?

disclaimer: this is mostly my attempt at organizing my own thoughts on the matter, and, in case it's not obvious, everyone's totally allowed to disagree and have their own opinions; as long as you keep it civil, we can discuss that, or just agree to disagree and keep on scrolling

#the last hours #tlh #shadowhunters #chain of iron #the shadowhunter chronicles #cordelia carstairs #spilling the tea #long post #but the first time i saw you. queue

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amchara · 3 years

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Tears - Whumptober Prompt 9 / Angst War 1

Tears

Cordelia Carstairs, Sona Carstairs, Alastair Carstairs, James Herondale, Lucie Herondale, other TLH characters mentioned

Prompt: Tears

TW: (Major Character Death... but is it permanent?) 🤔

The February air was biting on her cheeks and her flimsy shoes - meant for London streets, not Idris fields - slid on the wet snow that had freshly fallen overnight.

She pulled her cloak close to her as she looked up to the pyres, their hulking presence blocking out the weak, winter light.

Her brother’s pyre. And beside him, her husband’s pyre.

Less than a month ago, she had said good-bye to her father in this very same place. The Imperishable Fields.

At the time of Elias’ funeral, she had thought it the most painful day of her life, unmatched by any other.

But this day, these funerals… the pain she had felt then was nothing compared to the bone deep, hollow feeling in her chest. It alternated with a mindless, raw anger - at the demons who had killed them, at the rest of the Merry Thieves, at Charles… but most of all, at herself.

Beside her, her mother let out a noise that might have been a sigh or a sob, as the Silent Brothers brought out the biers holding Alastair and James’ bodies.

As in life, Alastair was elegant in his white suit, his black hair arranged in a slightly different part than he had usually worn it, and her fingers itched to smooth it to its rightful position. But it would be improper to do so, Cordelia thought, as she stepped up beside the bier.

“Good-bye, Alastair joon,” she whispered, allowing herself to touch his cheek briefly with her gloved hands.

The expression on his face was oddly peaceful, she thought and not reflective of how he had been in life- sardonic, thoughtful and caring. His soul had already gone to join Raziel in heaven- this was merely an empty vessel.

Sona was taking her last moments to croon words into Alastair’s ear, her heavily pregnant body trying to find the best position to reach across and place one last kiss on her son’s forehead.

Out of the corner of her eye, Cordelia could see Thomas, his tall presence marking him out from the crowd. Though he hid it well, Cordeliai could see the agony kept just in check as he viewed Alastair and despite her anger, her heart went out to him. She did not know for sure what had passed between them but she did know that Thomas cared- had cared - for her brother a great deal.

Ahead of her, she could see the Herondales huddled together. Will Herondale - his face blank and despairing, supporting his wife under his arms, as she held onto him, as if she could barely stand to look down at her son. Despite the expectations around funeral etiquette, she could see tear tracks on both of their faces.

Cordelia wished she could cry - she did not care at this point for societal expectations - but the tears would not come and her eyes burned with the dryness.

Standing a little apart from Will and Tessa, was Lucie.

Cordelia could barely look at her, remembering with cold shame their conversation the night before.

“But Lucie… you could bring them back, I know you could,” she had cried, grabbing the other girl’s hands, even as she pulled away.

“I… I want to with all my heart, Cordelia. But I musn’t- I… I- I almost had my marks stripped for bringing Jesse back, and that had been unintentional.”

“Then you’re a coward,” Cordelia had said, almost spitting out the words. “If I had the ability I would do so - I would bring my brother back in a heartbeat.”

Lucie’s blue eyes had filled up with tears and she had fled, begging off due to a headache the rest of the evening.

She did not want to look at James’ face- the boy she loved and had finally seen her love returned, only for it to be snatched away so cruelly. It was more than she could bear.

The faint smell of cloves and expensive cologne brought her back to herself and she looked up to find Matthew standing in front of her. He stood a proper distance but she could see the indecision he held, in trying to decide to approach her. His green eyes also held unshed tears.

“Cordelia…” he started.

But she couldn’t. Not right now. Not today.

“Matthew,” she managed to nod politely. After a moment, he left and she could see him stop at James’ bier- and throw his arms around his parabatai, his shoulders shaking with grief.

Cordelia closed her eyes and turned away.

Shortly after, the bodies were placed on the pyres and as the smoke stung Cordelia’s eyes, finally provoking tears, she thought she could see a woman hovering in the air between the pyres.

Her blood ran cold as she recognised the woman.

Across the field, Lilith’s eyes locked on hers.

And in a voice that only she could hear, Lilith’s voice drifted across to her. Let me in, Cordelia. Let me in, my paladin. And I will bring them back for you.

Cordelia hesitated. And then, she nodded.

-----

Joining in on the Angst War!! (and crossing off a more prompts on the whumptober list)

Tag list: @alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer @littlx-songbxrd @writeordie-4 @lifewouldbebetteronmars @alastair-esfandiyar-carstairs1 @thomas-thedavid-lightwood @fair-childd @melanielocke @dontmindmyshadowhunting @of-same-steel-and-temper

Previous Whumptober fics:

Prompt One - “You Have To Let Go” (James Herondale, Cordelia Carstairs, Matthew Fairchild)

Prompt Two - Choking/Gagged (Dru Blackthorn, Ash Morgenstern, Ty Blackthorn, Kit Blackthorn, L.A. Institute inhabitants)

Prompt Three - “Who Did This To You?” (Cristina Rosales, Mark Blackthorn, Kieran Kingson)

Prompt 4, 7, 22 "In Cold Blood" (Kit Herondale, Belial, Sammael, Carstairs-Gray family)

(link to prompts)

#whumptober2021 #tears #tsc fanfiction #fanfic #angst war #fic #cordelia carstairs #alastair carstairs #my fanfic #the last hours #james herondale #lilith #no.9

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brightwoods · 3 years

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Oh me? I’m just thinking about how even the characters who don’t have a problem with Alastair at this point (with the one exception of of Cordelia’s one comment to Thomas that was far tamer than things other characters say about him and that if it was going to be to Thomas couldn’t even be after Thomas threatened to throw him in the Thames right in front of her face at her wedding which was certainly worse) won’t say a word to defend him or even establish to people who do have a problem with him that they don’t

Like we’ve got

1. Cordelia who has never said a word about anything her friends have said about Alastair in front of him when they’ve been blatantly making snarky comments about him in front of her and she won’t even tell them not to say those things around her

She also never actually stood up for him in that one context with Thomas. She just asked if he just remembered that Alastair was her brother and at least she did say well he’s my brother and I love him but she still constantly excuses negative comments about him and never corrects them or says something about their comments in front of Alastair or even to him separately about it

Like it felt very well yeah he sucks but he’s my brother and I love him more than a defence

Also she never even said a simple that’s not the only good thing he’s done when Matthew eavesdropped on her private conversation with Alastair and then showed up with the backhanded comment like wow can you believe I happened to hear the only decent thing Alastair has ever said or done in his entire life when he very easily could have just talked about what he came there for instead of making comments at Alastair’s expense for his audience of only Cordelia who from what he’s seen doesn’t really seem to have a problem with any comments about Alastair in front of her

2. Thomas who used to annoy the hell out of his friends constantly going out of his way to interact with Alastair and ask about his feelings and treat him like a person but no longer did that after the Academy which yes is partly because of how his friends acted every time he mentioned Alastair or spoke to him but also Thomas is out here with feelings for Alastair and staying absolutely silent on the negative comments about him from other people instead of disagreeing or defending him or saying anything about not wanting to hear it

And then even worse, after he found out about the rumour he actively joined in and started talking shit about Alastair publicly whether Alastair was there or not... which yes, he was mad, I get that and it’s not like Alastair didn’t use to talk shit about him in front of other people

But the part that really gets me is that in the Sanctuary, Thomas never says anything to take those things back or to contradict any of the negative shit that’s the general consensus about him. He goes on about how much he wanted to hate Alastair and tried to and about how hot Alastair is and about how Alastair was always his secret and was his favourite part of his trip and he kisses him with no one around but he doesn’t really say anything that’s definitively about Alastair as a person beyond his physical appearance, sexuality, and availability

He basically said hey let’s pretend that no one else exists and Paris was the first time we met and make out so that we don’t have to think about any consequences or anyone outside or this room and then wondered why Alastair went oh your friends hate me, this isn’t possible once they were both free and all the evidence up to that point suggested that Thomas was still years past the point of sticking his neck out for Alastair in front of his friends no matter what his friends said and no matter how much he liked him

(He also did not say anything that we got to see after that about Alastair or to him in front of anyone else beyond trusting him in the fight with him and Christopher but then it was Thomas and other characters talking after with Alastair off on his own when Cordelia got there already again which we don’t have full context for but seems like Thomas went right back into his behaviour from before the sanctuary and before the rumour where he’s not saying things against Alastair and sure he’s tolerating him around other people but he’s also not saying anything in his favour or establishing that he doesn’t actively have a problem with Alastair and think he’s a horrible person anymore (which hopefully will come up with other characters later but at this point we have seen no hints of in what we saw of Thomas around other characters after the Sanctuary scene)

3. James who forgave Alastair and is willing to be civil and kind to him away from his friends and then just doesn’t really speak to or acknowledge him in front of his friends... and in front of other people tells Alastair that he had better treat Cordelia well or he won’t let him in their house or be civil to him anymore as it Alastair hadn’t been treating her well before that point and it was James’ warning that would inspire his behaviour around her

It’s also interesting how there’s silence or that in public but in private he will say that no one judges Alastair for his father’s drinking problem and will talk to him about Thomas and Matthew and giving them time

James seems to think Alastair deserves a chance but also has no intention of letting anyone else catch on that he thinks that even when Alastair tells him how he’s trying to make amends and he doesn’t know how to fix it if no one will let him apologize

Like sure James is over old things and is better than actively complaining about Alastair and being rude to him... but he also lets his friends say whatever they want about Alastair without ever saying a word about it, even when his friends are threatening his wife’s brother in front of her at their wedding

Sure, he has less obligation to speak up for Alastair, but also when he married into the family and then continues to listen to it constantly without even blinking at anything said about him is definitely worse than if he wasn’t married to Cordelia (and also I’m still including him even if he has a lot less obligation to speak up for him because he is still another person that’s like oh sure Alastair’s alright but don’t tell anyone I said that, I’m certainly not going to show that I’m on decent terms with him in front of anyone else)

4. And then obviously there was Charles who would never say anything remotely positive about him in front of anyone else and pretty much doesn’t acknowledge his existence around other people except for that time that he called him pathetic in front of Cordelia which yikes what a way to try to get an ex back, I wonder why it didn’t work...

5. And okay listen I know that Christopher is by no means the main issue at all and that he doesn’t really seem to have a problem with Alastair, but he very much follows along with what the other Merry Thieves think... like sure he won’t say anything against Alastair but he won’t say anything for him either or say anything about the constant comments the others make and it’s very clear in Chain of Iron that he entirely takes his cues for whether they’re tolerating and acknowledging Alastair or not from the other Merry Thieves where it’s like oh we have a problem with Alastair now... oh he got Thomas out and now Thomas is not ac to very threatening him so he must be alright to fight with okay...

Like Christopher doesn’t have an obligation to say anything about the way the others talk about him or anything when he doesn’t really have any ties to Alastair or reason to speak up but he is another character that’s like well I don’t have a problem with him but okay let’s all go along with this group mindset about him that at this point is just Matthew hating him so loudly that everyone goes oh okay we’re supposed to not like him and not stir the pot by saying anything to contradict that (and Thomas hating him just as loudly for a while before Christopher saw oh okay I think Thomas might be over it? which hopefully means Christopher’s going to be more likely to show that he’s willing to talk to Alastair and tolerate being around him during Chain of Thorns which it’s sad to say in this series is a high bar for how people treat Alastair even though that should be a the bar is on the floor moment)

And this post is way longer than I meant for it to get, but my point is that you know that Alastair thinks he still deserves having no one defend him or even show they’re okay enough with him to tolerate him when anyone else is around because at the Academy he didn’t defend anyone else and targeted other people that no one was standing up for just like he’s being targeted so it must be karma that even when he manages to claw his way up to people having a better opinion of him and not actively thinking that he deserves to be hated, those people still stay silent around and about him so that the only things said about him are still negative

And anyway if at least 4 characters don’t have an interaction with Alastair that isn’t negative and that isn’t when they’re alone with him or with just the Carstairs in Chain of Thorns then I am going to scream in rage for the rest of eternity

#It’s once again the time of night for I meant to go to bed and then got distracted typing about these characters for an hour oops!!!#No rereading for clarity or typos it is night time we don’t have standards at this hour #Alastair Carstairs #The Last Hours #TLH #Chain of Iron #CoI #The Shadowhunter Chronicles #TSC #Cassandra Clare #My Posts

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melanielocke · 3 years

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Conceal, don't Feel - One

Do you wanna build a snowman?

This is the first chapter of my Frozen Carstairs sibings AU

CW: abuse, toxic relationship, alcoholism

@alastair-esfandiyar-carstairs1 and I both came up with a similar idea separately from each other, so this is a story separate from hers, but if you like this one I recommend you check out Frozen Heart. I’m not yet sure how often I will update, but I’m currently working on chapter 7 and 35.000 words in (chapters are pretty long).

Taglist: @alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer @foxglove-airmid @alastair-esfandiyar-carstairs1 @justanormaldemon @styxdrawings @ipromiseiwillwrite @a-dream-dirty-and-bruised @alastair-appreciation-month @writeordie-4 @amchara

I cannot seem to tag @lightwoodsimp, sorry

Alastair didn’t know where his parents were taking him. It didn’t matter. He would go anywhere, would do anything if it meant she could be saved. It was his fault she’d gotten hurt. He called out to her. Warned her.

‘You’re going too fast. Slow down, Layla!’

It had been too late. Cordelia was hurt. His fault. He’d hurt her, he’d hit her with his ice. His father had been furious, of course. He’d deserved that. His mother had been more gentle, had taken him into her arms and whispered that it was going to be okay. A lie. It wasn’t going to be okay because he’d hurt his sister and that made him a monster. Just like Father had been afraid of.

But Father knew where to go. Father knew how to fix this. A trail of ice followed their horses. Alastair barely noticed it anymore. It would draw attention. It pointed right to him, to his wrongness. Just like he deserved. Alastair didn’t know why he couldn’t control it anymore. He’d been too excited about it, had used it to play and have fun and build snowmen in the middle of the summer. But that was wrong. Ice was wrong and shameful and dangerous. And so was he.

They stopped in a small village hidden at the foot of the North mountain. Alastair had studied the geography of the kingdom many times but did not know there was a village here. He’d heard stories, there were trolls living here. That was why people avoided this place. Alastair would say he was too old to believe in trolls, but he was magic. Who knew what else was out there?

He descended from the horse, hiding behind his mother. He’d always been closer to her than to Father. He trusted her to keep him safe. Not that he deserved her protection.

A man approached. He was a little shorter than Father, with dark hair like Alastair’s, but blue eyes and light skin that was common in Arendelle. Alastair had never seen the man before, who was he? Certainly not a troll. There was a girl around Cordelia’s age behind him, stepping forward curiously to his sister. Cordelia had not woken since Alastair had hurt her.

‘Hello,’ the little girl said. ‘My name is Lucie, who are you?’

‘Lu, I don’t think the princess can hear you right now,’ her father said. ‘Don’t worry, your Majesty, I’ll get my wife. She’ll find out what’s wrong with your daughter.’

The man disappeared into one of the houses, but the little girl remained behind, poking at Cordelia.

‘She’s not going to wake up,’ Alastair said quietly.

His father glared at him, whereas his mother took his hand firmly. ‘Don’t say that, joon-am. Your sister will be fine.’

‘Who are you?’ Lucie asked him.

Alastair frowned. This was part of Arendelle, wasn’t it? How did someone not recognize the king and his family?

‘My name is Alastair,’ he said softly, not meeting the little girl’s gaze.

‘Come, Lu,’ Will said. ‘Tessa and Jem are going to take care of the princess.’

A woman with brown hair kneeled down in front of little Cordelia, a man with dark hair and eyes beside her. He looked familiar, but Alastair wasn’t sure why.

‘Jem, please help my daughter,’ Father pleaded.

‘Of course, uncle,’ Jem said. ‘You and your family are always welcome here, you know that.’

Alastair was confused. Jem was his cousin? But then why had they never met? He knew about the mysterious cousin, of course. His father had been the youngest of two brothers once, his older brother Jonah had been king before him. He’d had a son too, prince James. King Jonah and his wife had died though, and prince James had disappeared, during his father’s regency. When it became clear prince James was gone for good, his father had been crowned king. Alastair had always assumed he must have died. There were rumors king Elias had murdered his nephew so he could claim the throne. Alastair was glad to know those rumors weren’t true. But why had Jem been here all this time?

‘My wife Tessa can heal her,’ Jem continued.

Elias raised an eyebrow. ‘I though she was Will Herondale’s wife.’

‘All three of us love each other,’ Jem said and Alastair was intrigued. ‘Arendelle might not understand, but there is no need to conform to what society wants from us here.’

He’d always been taught love was between a man and his wife. Clearly Jem didn’t think so. He couldn’t find love, he reminded himself. He had his ice, his cold heart. It would be nice, to live here with a love, but that was not his destiny.

‘It is for the best you left, I think,’ Elias said.

‘Don’t be rude, dear,’ his mother said. ‘They can help Cordelia.’

‘There is ice in her head,’ Tessa said. ‘I can remove it, don’t worry. It’s good the magic didn’t reach her heart. A frozen heart is the one curse I cannot break, but the head can be persuaded.’

Alastair wasn’t sure what Tessa was. She was magic, like him, right? How did she know so much about the ice, about the frozen heart? Did that mean there were others like him?

‘Lucie!’ Tessa called.

The little girl sat down beside her mother. ‘Yes, mama?’

‘You want to help, darling?’

‘Of course.’

‘My daughter is the heir to my gift,’ Tessa explained. ‘She will learn in time how to remove ice herself, in case the prince has more accidents. But for now, we’ll do it together.’

Tessa and Lucie both put their hand on Cordelia’s head. Alastair held his breath, this had to work right? Otherwise he would have killed his sister. Alastair knew he was a monster, of course, but he didn’t want his sister to suffer for what he was.

‘I must warn you, there will be a side effect,’ Tessa said. ‘Messing around in her head will affect her memory. I am doing the best I can to contain the effects and limit the memory loss, but she will lose all memory of Alastair’s magic.’

Alastair frowned. ‘So she won’t remember I have powers?’

‘No,’ Tessa said. ‘But when you’re ready, you can explain it to her. I think it might be good to work on your control first and tell Cordelia once you feel secure you won’t hurt her again. Remember, fear is your enemy. You’re always welcome to stay here, with us. People think trolls live here and stay away, you would be safe..’

The offer sounded tempting. Away from his family, from the people he hurt…

‘No,’ his father said. ‘Alastair is the crown prince of Arendelle, he will be king one day. Power or not, he must be prepared for his role. We’ll limit our staff, close the gates to limit his contact with people, so no one will find out and no one else will get hurt. He’ll learn to control it, I’m sure. Besides, your lifestyle would be a bad influence.’

Alastair’s heart sank. Of course, he was prince too. Destined to be king. It didn’t matter what he wanted. Why should a monster like him be king, he wondered, but he knew his father wouldn’t budge on the subject.

Cordelia coughed a little before opening her eyes. ‘What’s happening?’ she said, a little sleep drunk.

‘You’re all better,’ Lucie declared. ‘Although I think you still have a strand of white hair. Otherwise your hair is very pretty.’

Cordelia smiled. ‘Where am I?’

‘My name is Lucie,’ she said. ‘Will you play with me?’

‘Of course,’ Cordelia said. ‘I like making snowmen.’

‘We must go home now,’ Father said sternly.

‘Oh, that’s too bad,’ Lucie said. ‘Will you come another time, then? I’d so love to have another girl my age around. It’s just me and my cousins here and they’re all older than me.’

‘Of course,’ Cordelia said. ‘I’ll play with you.’

‘I think it would be good for us to check on Alastair’s progress regularly,’ Tessa said. ‘It would be unsafe for me to leave this village, so please come here whenever you’re ready, or if you need help.’

In the end, Alastair never returned to the village where his cousin lived. Neither did Cordelia, not even to play with Lucie. A day later, she did not remember what had happened at all. As far as the people of Arendelle knew, that village didn’t exist. Tessa was a witch, after all, and so was her daughter. The people might turn on her, his father had explained. They might turn on him too. And he would deserve that. That’s why he needed to learn control.

‘You’re too sensitive, Esfandiyar,’ his father would say.

He’d learnt a rhyme over the years. Conceal it, don’t feel it. He repeated it to himself whenever he felt too much, whenever he was going to lose control. He’d received a pair of gloves from his father, something he claimed would help him.

It didn’t take long for Father to grow more absent though. Often he was sick. His fault, he was putting too much pressure on the family. All his fault. His thoughts were spiraling as they so often did, out of control as the storm inside. His fingers tingled, ice formed on the floor, on the walls. Conceal, don’t feel, he told himself. That was the only way to control.

When Alastair was eight years old, not long after the incident, his father was interested in how using the sauna would affect him. He’d never been, as he was too young and his mother wasn’t so sure it was safe for him, but his father insisted it was worth a try.

‘It might be the solution to your control problem,’ Elias had said. ‘The sauna could melt the ice.’

Alastair had been scared, but he’d been willing to give it a try. Most humans in Arendelle used a sauna from time to time, so why shouldn’t he?

It had been a nightmare. As soon as the sauna had been turned on and gotten warm, Alastair had started screaming. It was agony, fire burning his skin and everything inside, the ice begging for release.

He couldn’t use magic in here, and it hurt so much.

‘Let me out!’ he’d screamed.

It had taken some time until Father had given up and finally let him out. He wasn’t burnt, there were no signs on his body that he’d suffered. The pain had been real though. He was still so shaken he froze the entire corridor, for which his father had become angry. Later that day, Father had disappeared into his bedchambers with a bottle of a smelly drink.

Alastair would never get into the sauna again. Never. There was ice inside of him, and it didn’t like the heat. Perhaps he should try it, perhaps he should stay for longer and let it burn out the ice inside of him. Perhaps he could be free. But Alastair didn’t dare go inside the sauna again, he never wanted to feel that pain again.

***

Cordelia was lying on the floor of the ballroom. She was sure her mother would hate to find her here, but what else was she supposed to do? She sighed, would there ever be a ball here? There had been balls once, that much she remembered. She and Alastair weren’t allowed to attend yet, but they’d snuck out of bed to watch from the corridor together.

There had been so many people. Nowadays, it was only the staff, her family and Risa, her mother’s lady in waiting. Didn’t her parents understand she wanted someone to play with?

Once she’d played with Alastair almost every day. They would build snowmen and ride a sled and have snowball fights. But that had been a long time ago. Nowadays Alastair would barely acknowledge her. If he spoke at all, it was to tell her to go away and not bother him. He spent most of his time in his bedroom. Cordelia didn’t understand how one person could spend so much time in bed, especially considering he was not sick like Father. Didn’t he want to have something to do? She would play with him all day if only he opened his door.

But Alastair preferred the solitude, it seemed. He rarely even yelled at her to go away anymore. He just pretended she didn’t exist. He was studying to be king now, whereas Cordelia did not have such a responsibility. She guessed he was too mature and grown up for her now and she was just his stupid little sister. It was frustrating.

It had all started so sudden, and Cordelia had never understood why. One day they’d built a snowman together, the next Alastair didn’t even speak to her anymore. He only ever emerged from his room to eat, and to take walks on the palace grounds. Her mother didn’t want her to go there, for she might fall and hurt herself, or rip her dresses. It didn’t make much sense, because she’d followed Alastair from a distance once and there was barely anything to trip over. When Alastair had spotted her, he’d gotten angry and yelled at her to leave him alone, that this was his place, why couldn’t she at least let him have that?

Cordelia guessed her brother didn’t like her anymore.

‘What would you do, Joan?’ she asked.

No response. She wasn’t sure what she’d been expecting. Joan, of course, was a painting in this room, a woman in armor riding a horse. The painting had always fascinated her, because Cordelia wanted to be a warrior too and carry her own sword. It was probably all very improper, a princess talking to a portrait, but what exactly did her parents expect her to do?

Father was sick all the time nowadays, and Cordelia would often sit with him and read him stories. Alastair came in sometimes, glared at both of them, and left. At least her father still cared for her. At least it was something. Even if he mostly ignored her when he wasn’t sick, or talked to her about a potential marriage alliance when she was older. She’d never even met someone around her age, how was she supposed to get married? Her mother didn’t have time for her anymore, she had to take over from father when he was sick and run the kingdom and whatever free time she had left she spend with Alastair.

No one knew what was wrong with Father, and Cordelia worried for him. She vowed to spend as much time with him as possible, to always be there for him, because even if he was sick, he was the only one in her family who still had time for her.

‘If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?’ she asked Joan.

No response.

‘That’s right, me too. Anywhere is better than here.’

***

When Alastair was nine years old, a year after the incident, he’d made little progress on controlling the ice. If anything, it had gotten worse.

‘You’re not trying,’ his father accused him. ‘Do you want to turn your bedroom into a snow landscape? Do you like the cold? Do you like that by freezing the bathroom, you broke all the pipes? It cost a fortune to replace everything, and I couldn’t explain what happened.’

‘I’m sorry, Father,’ Alastair had said, the fear he often felt around his father gripping him.

Would he be locked inside the sauna if he didn’t do better? He was trembling on his feet as his father grabbed his elbow and took him down stairs into an old dungeon.

‘When my brother Jonah was king, he stopped using these dungeons to hold prisoners. He believed keeping people in dark and dirty cells like this was inhumane. But we do not always have the luxury of choice.’

His father showed him to a cell with a pair of cuffs, chained to the floor, designed to fit around his hands. Because that was where the magic came from, that was why the gloves helped.

‘If you cannot control yourself and become a danger to those around you, I will have no choice but to use these. Do you understand?’

Alastair was shaking, snow escaped from his hands and twirled around him. He swallowed. ‘Yes, Father,’ he said weakly.

‘And don’t act so scared,’ his father scolded. ‘With that poison inside of you, you absolutely cannot feel.’

Of course. Conceal, don’t feel. That was the only way to keep it hidden.

That night, Alastair dreamt about the chains in the dungeon, about his hands being bound, his father leaving him there.

‘You’re too dangerous,’ his father said. ‘You must stay here from now on.’

Alastair pulled at the chains, tried to break free, but it was no use. He woke up in the middle of the night, lying in the snow. On his bed, he reminded himself, but everything was covered in snow and ice. He should clean this up, he determined. He did not know how to unfreeze anything, but he could sweep the snow up and outside of the window before Father found out and determined he should be chained in that cell.

He’d considered telling his mother about the cell and the chains and that he was scared, but ultimately decided against it. He was far too scared to find out that when it came to it, she would let it happen. Worse, that she already knew.

***

Alastair was thirteen when his father presented him with the family sword. Legend had it the sword was magic, but the properties of the weapon had been lost over time. No king of Arendelle had ever died in battle while carrying it though, and some speculated the sword watched over them, protected them. Alastair didn’t know what too believe when it came to cortana. He knew his sister wished she could be the one to own the sword, but Alastair knew as future king he was supposed to bear it. He was sure Cordelia could practice with it when he wasn’t using it.

‘Now, Alastair, this is an important part of the Carstairs legacy,’ Elias said. ‘If you can use this sword, you would be protected if people ever learnt of the ice that’s inside your heart.’

That’s what Elias often called it, the ice inside his heart. Don’t feel, Alastair reminded himself. He wasn’t supposed to feel, or he would upset the ice. Elias treated it as something separate from him, a demon that would strike if Alastair didn’t work hard enough. He didn’t think that was right, but didn’t dare say anything.

Elias presented him with the sword. Alastair had never held it before, had only admired it from a distance. He took the hilt in his hand and immediately dropped it, yelping in pain. As soon as the hilt touched him, a pain shot through his hand. His skin was red, blisters were forming where the sword had touched him. He’d sustained burn marks.

His mother came in when she heard him scream and rushed him to the infirmary immediately, where he’d gotten his hand bandaged and lied about what had caused the burn, claiming he’d wanted to help in the kitchen and touched a hot pot. A horrible shame crept over him and gripped his stomach. He was unworthy. He couldn’t even hold cortana. The family sword, the weapon that had been carried by all great kings and queens before him, had chosen to burn him.

***

‘I have a surprise for you, dear,’ her father said with a smile.

It had been ages since Cordelia had seen him so healthy and she was glad he was having a good day. She missed him. She’d wanted to go to his bedroom and read to him, but Alastair had told her she couldn’t. When she’d asked for more information, he’d refused to explain and just said she wouldn’t understand. Alastair often treated her as if she was stupid and did not understand anything, but Father never did.

She didn’t know what to do with her brother anymore. She’d loved him once, that she knew. Part of her still did. But she was fairly certain he didn’t love her anymore. He’d left her all alone. At least he still had her father, even if he was gone so often. It wasn’t his fault he was sick.

‘What is it?’ Cordelia asked.

‘It wouldn’t be a surprise if I told you, now would it?’ Elias said with a chuckle.

Cordelia’s dark eyes went wide as her father showed her to the room where cortana was kept. For years she’d begged to touch the sword, to practice with it. But the sword wasn’t hers. As heir, it belonged to Alastair. Even if he’d never shown interest in it, even if wielding cortana had been Cordelia’s dream for a long time.

‘I’ve discussed with your brother, and we decided that since you are so attached to cortana, it should be yours,’ her father said. ‘You are worthy of the sword.’

Cordelia picked it up. She’d never trained with it, although she did know the basics of swordplay. With nothing else to do, she’d watched the guards train from a distance and had copied their movements. It felt good in her hands, like it fit perfectly and had always belonged to her.

‘Now, a sword is a great responsibility,’ her father said. ‘Cortana has a sharp edge and a dull edge. You can always choose mercy, and that is what the old kings and queens of Arendelle became known for. Remember that.’

Cordelia nodded. ‘Of course. I will not let anyone harm us, but when I defeat my enemy I will always offer mercy.’

***

There was only one other person outside of his family and Tessa’s who knew about Alastair’s powers. It had been an accident, really. Alastair was allowed to go outside onto the palace grounds and practice. Cordelia wasn’t allowed to go there with him, so no one would see if he lost control. It was the only place where he could get some air. But it wasn’t enough, and sometimes the walls of the palace felt suffocating. He longed to get away, to disappear.

So one day, he’d made sure no one saw him and had snuck over the wall. It had been easy, really. He’d built a ladder out of ice. In the summer heat, it would melt and no evidence of his escape would be left behind. He could control the ice inside him when he set his mind to an explicit goal.

Honestly, the problem arose when he felt. Better to freeze his own heart. But he couldn’t help but feel when Father yelled at him, when he drank so much he couldn’t stay awake anymore. It was all his fault, he knew. Father wouldn’t have started drinking if he’d been better, if he had never hurt his sister. But he was a monster and he deserved his father’s anger.

He knew Cordelia hated him. He had accepted it. She would be safe and Alastair would never hurt her again. If that meant she hated him, it would be alright. Tessa had said once he could tell Cordelia about his powers when it was safe again, but Alastair feared it would never be. He had nightmares sometimes and woke up in a snow landscape instead of a bedroom. Sometimes the emotions just became too much.

On the other side of the wall was another forest, and here he could be himself. He would be alone, yes, but Alastair would always be alone. Most of the time he didn’t mind the solitude so much. At least here he wasn’t trapped within those walls.

He just walked, not sure where he was going. He would find his way back to the wall eventually, he told himself. A castle was hard to miss. He didn’t even notice the boy in the woods until he was right behind him.

‘Hello.’

Alastair was startled. He wished he could say he’d responded with some decorum, but that would be a lie. Instead, ice had shot out of his right hand, with which he had been leaning against a tree. He was stuck, frozen against a tree. Great, just his luck.

‘Are you alright?’ the boy asked.

Alastair wished he could have turned around, but his hand was still very much stuck, glove and all. There was only so much the glove did. He still had to control his own emotions. Conceal, don’t feel. He’d broken that rule, and for what?

He finally broke off the chunk of ice from his hand and turned to face the boy. He was around Alastair’s age, with brown hair and hazel eyes. There was a reindeer following him, sniffing Alastair curiously.

‘I’m fine,’ he said between his teeth.

‘Were you born with the powers, or cursed?’ the boy asked curiously.

‘What kind of question is that?’ Alastair bit at him.

‘I’m sorry. That’s what my aunt said is what distinguishes sorcerers. But you don’t have to answer. I just never met someone with magic like yours before. What’s your name?’

Alastair had to think quickly. The boy didn’t recognize him, didn’t know he was the prince. He couldn’t know, because then he would spread his secret and soon the whole kingdom would know the crown prince was a monster with ice in his veins.

‘Esfandiyar,’ he said.

It was his middle name, and a little known fact. It was a name from his mother’s home country, an ancient hero his mother used to tell him stories about. It was one of the few fond memories Alastair had of being young. So much had revolved around his cursed ice.

‘Thomas,’ the boy said, offering his hand. ‘Thomas Lightwood. And this is Sven, my reindeer.’

Alastair smiled weakly, refusing to take the boy’s hand. He knew he had to go home, but he hadn’t spoken to another boy his age in forever. He didn’t want to go.

‘Why are you here in the woods?’ Alastair asked.

‘Oh, I was just on my way home with Sven after delivering my mother’s cakes. I like this part of the woods. I always came here before I was allowed to leave by myself. Why are you here? Is it because of your magic? Are people scared of your ice?’

‘People don’t know,’ Alastair said. ‘And you can’t tell anyone.’

‘I won’t,’ Thomas promised. ‘But your powers seem so awesome. I wish I had powers.’

‘No you don’t,’ Alastair said. ‘No one would want to have ice inside of them. It’s very hard to control, and you can hurt people. Badly.’

Thomas tilted his head. ‘You’re not going to hurt me, are you?’

‘I don’t want to,’ Alastair said. ‘But that does not matter. The ice does what it wants.’

‘I’m not afraid, Esfandiyar,’ Thomas said. ‘That’s a beautiful name, by the way. I wish my name was even half so extraordinary.’

‘I need to go,’ Alastair said, determined.

He would not hurt someone else, he vowed to himself. Conceal, don’t feel. It didn’t matter that Thomas was the first person in years to see him and not be afraid.

‘Will you be here tomorrow?’ Thomas asked. ‘I always take this route after delivering my mother’s cakes. I can meet you around this time every day of the week.’

Against his better judgement, Alastair said yes.

He met Thomas in the woods everyday for nearly two weeks. He didn’t lose control of the ice anymore, not when they were together. Thomas was nice, and liked telling him about his life. He didn’t even seem to mind that Alastair avoided all of his questions. One day, Thomas had baked some extra cakes and shared them with Alastair. It was Alastair’s fifteenth birthday, and although he still hadn’t told Thomas about who he was, he had mentioned that his birthday wouldn’t be celebrated. Cordelia had given up on him a long time ago, and his parents didn’t have the time. It was sweet of Thomas to think of him, the only person who had in years. It was almost better than the cakes themselves. Almost.

‘I really hope my mom won’t find out, but these are the best cakes in the whole world,’ Thomas said. ‘My mother taught me how to make them herself. Well, my cousin Christopher likes the lemon tarts more.’

‘Your parents are both bakers?’ Alastair asked.

‘No, just my mom. My father is on Arendelle’s council, although I don’t think the king listens to him a lot.’

‘Oh, that’s too bad,’ Alastair said.

He wasn’t surprised his father didn’t listen, often he wasn’t even there for meetings. But his mother would, right? She’d always been calmer and gentler than Father. But she wouldn’t go against his father’s wishes.

‘And my uncle Gabriel and aunt Cecily sell ice. They travel to the north mountain and the frozen lakes at winter and cut off ice and transport if back to the city and sell it.’ Thomas smiled. ‘I always wanted to go with them when I’m old enough. But what’s the point of going all the way to the north mountain when you can just conjure ice out of thin air?’

‘Believe it or not, making that journey is probably less dangerous than asking me to supply the world with ice,’ Alastair said.

‘Perhaps,’ Thomas said. ‘But I’m certain there’s a way to control it. I haven’t seen you lose control at all since when we first met and I startled you.’

‘I feel less around you,’ Alastair said. ‘I’m not supposed to feel and at home I do that a lot. But with you, it’s better. I don’t think I feel anything.’

Thomas frowned. ‘Oh,’ he said and Alastair suspected something was wrong.

‘What is it?’

‘I thought you liked spending time with me,’ he said. ‘But now you say you don’t feel anything.’

‘That’s a good thing,’ Alastair insisted. ‘I’m not supposed to feel.’

‘Everyone’s supposed to feel, Esfandiyar,’ Thomas said. ‘If you don’t feel anything when you’re with me… I guess you don’t like my company as much as I thought. Maybe it’s better if I don’t come back.’

Alastair’s eyes went wide. His fingers started tingling. No, no. Conceal, don’t feel. Don’t let it show.

‘No!’ he said. ‘Please. I’m all alone, you’re the only person who understands. You weren’t meant to find out, but you did, and now you’re all I have.’

Thomas looked confused. ‘But that means you did feel something, right? If you truly felt nothing, you wouldn’t care if I left.’

Alastair shook his head. ‘No, when you said you would leave, I did feel. Please stay with me, Thomas. I don’t want to feel. Usually, it’s like a storm and I have to fight to keep the ice inside. You make everything better. With you I don’t feel the storm.’

‘I think you’re a little confused about what it is to feel,’ Thomas said. ‘You know it’s more than sadness and fear, and anger right? Happiness is also feeling. I feel happy when I see you in the woods.’

‘Perhaps that’s it,’ Alastair said. ‘Do you think it’s alright for me to feel happiness? Even if I’m not supposed to feel?’

‘Of course, Esfandiyar. What is the point, if you can never be happy? I have to go home before my mom realizes I’m late. But can I see you again tomorrow?’

‘Always,’ Alastair said.

The last day he met Thomas, the other boy was acting a little shifty. Alastair wasn’t sure what it was. It made him nervous. He knew to expect bad things when people acted like that.

‘Esfandiyar, there’s something I need to tell you,’ Thomas said.

His cheeks were red, and Alastair didn’t think it was from the cold. Alastair waited expectantly, but Thomas didn’t continue.

‘What is it?’ Alastair asked.

‘Well, you see,’ Thomas began, stumbling over his words, but he was not to finish them.

His father came stumbling into the woods, Alastair could tell from his demeanor that he’d been drinking. His fault, he should have stayed in the castle. Of course they’d notice he’d snuck out.

‘Alastair, where have you been?’ the king asked.

Thomas looked at Alastair, and then at the king. ‘Alastair? Oh heaven, you’re the prince, aren’t you?’

Alastair sighed. ‘Esfandiyar is my middle name. I’m sorry Thomas. I shouldn’t have lied to you.’

‘Who are you?’ his father hissed at Thomas, and Alastair hoped Thomas wouldn’t notice his slurred speech, betraying to a trained ear that he was drunk.

‘Thomas Lightwood, your Majesty,’ Thomas said softly. ‘My mother is a baker. My father is Gideon Lightwood, he represents the commoners on your council. I was just on my way home. I swear I didn’t know he was the prince. I am so sorry.’

‘Go home, Lightwood,’ the king said. ‘And do not let me catch you here with my son again, or I’ll have you thrown into the dungeons.’

Thomas took Sven and disappeared. Alastair dreaded what would come next. Father could be unpredictable when he was drunk, dangerous even. Alastair was terrified he would be dragged into the dungeons to those cuffs, or to the sauna.

‘I’m sorry, Father,’ Alastair said softly.

‘What were you thinking,’ his father snapped. ‘You’re a prince, not some peasant boy. How can you risk them finding out?’

‘I’m sorry,’ Alastair repeated. ‘He was nice to me.’

‘He’s a peasant boy, of course he’s nice to you if he thinks it’ll win the prince’s favor,’ Elias said. ‘You must learn these things, or you’ll fall for anyone with even a little bit of charm.’

‘He didn’t know I was a prince,’ Alastair protested.

Elias didn’t even look at him. ‘Of course he did. Everyone in the kingdom knows who you are. He lied to you to bring you into a false sense of security. You’re so naïve, to have believed him. I have sent for someone to come and teach you about ruling a country. It’s about time you learnt to be a proper prince.’

Alastair looked back once more, but Thomas was long gone. Alastair went back to the forest the next day, desperate to hear what Thomas had wanted to tell him, even if it was only once. But Thomas had been nowhere to be found, and Alastair had returned to the palace, defeated. He was all alone.

His father was right, it was time to be a proper prince. He was fifteen now, he was old enough to understand how the kingdom worked. His father couldn’t fulfill his duties anymore, not with his drinking eating away at him and his mother doing everything she could to fill in the gaps. It was time for him to step up.

#Conceal don't feel #Frozen AU #Alastair Carstairs #Cordelia Carstairs #Sona Carstairs #Thomas Lightwood #Lucie Herondale #the last hours #tlh

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