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samwisethewitch · 3 years

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Coping with religious trauma

CONTENT WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS DISCUSSIONS OF MENTAL ILLNESS, TRAUMA RECOVERY, AND HOMOPHOBIA. The advice in this post is intended for an adult audience, not for those who are legal minors.

A lot of people find their way to paganism after having traumatic experiences with organized religion, especially in countries like the United States, where 65% of the population identifies as Christian. (This number is actually at an all-time low — historically, the percentage has been much higher.) Paganism, which is necessarily less dogmatic and hierarchical than the Abrahamic religions, offers a chance to experience religion without having to fit a certain mold. This can be extremely liberating for people who have felt hurt, abused, or ignored by mainstream religion.

To avoid making generalizations that might offend people, I’ll share my own story as an example.

My family joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, better known as the Mormons, when I was nine years old. The Mormons are an extremely conservative sect of evangelical Christianity that places a heavy emphasis on maintaining a strong community that upholds their religious values. The problem with that is that Mormon values are inherently racist, sexist, homophobic, and transphobic. As a teenager in the Mormon Church, I was told that as a woman, my only purpose in life was to marry a (Mormon) man and raise (Mormon) children. I was discouraged from pursuing a college education if it meant delaying marriage. I was not allowed to participate in the full extent of religious ritual because I was not a man. I was not allowed to express myself in ways that went against Mormon culture, and I kept my bisexuality secret for fear I would be ostracized. I didn’t have any sort of support system outside the Church, which inevitably made the mental health issues that come with being a queer woman in a conservative Christian setting much, much worse.

I left the Mormons when I was seventeen, and by that time I had some major issues stemming from my time in the Church. I had been extremely depressed and anxious for most of my teen years. I struggled with internalized misogyny and homophobia. I had very low self-esteem. I had anxiety around sex and sexuality that would take years of therapy and self-work to overcome. I wanted to form a connection with the divine, but I wasn’t sure if I was worthy of such a connection.

I was attracted to paganism, specifically Wicca, because it seemed like everything Mormonism wasn’t. Wicca teaches equality between men and women, with a heavy focus on the Goddess in worship. It places an emphasis on doing what is right for you, as long as it doesn’t harm anyone else. It encourages sexuality and healthy sexual expression. Learning about Wicca, and later other types of paganism, helped me develop the kind of healthy spirituality I’d never experienced as a Mormon. Although Wicca is no longer the backbone of my religious practice, it was a necessary and deeply healing step on my spiritual journey.

I’m not sharing my story to gain sympathy or to make anyone feel bad — I’m sharing it because my situation is not an uncommon one in pagan circles. The vast majority of pagans are converts, meaning they didn’t grow up pagan. Some had healthy upbringings in other faiths, or no faith at all, and simply found that paganism was a better fit for them. Others, like myself, had deeply traumatic experiences with organized religion and are attracted to paganism because of the freedom, autonomy, and empowerment it offers.

If you fall into this latter category, this post is for you. Untangling the threads of religious trauma can be an extremely difficult and overwhelming task. In this post, I lay out six steps to recovery based on my own experiences and those of other people, both pagan and non-pagan, who have lived through religious trauma.

While following these steps will help jumpstart your spiritual healing, it’s important to remember that healing is not a linear process — especially healing from emotional, mental, and spiritual trauma. You may have relapses, you may feel like you’re moving in circles, and you may still have bad days in five or ten years. That’s okay. That’s part of the healing process. Go easy on yourself, and let your journey unfold naturally.

Step One: Cut all ties with the group that caused your trauma

Or, at least, cut as many ties as reasonably possible.

Obviously, if you’re still participating in a religious organization that has caused you pain, the first step is to leave! But before you do, make sure you have an exit plan to help you disengage safely and gracefully.

To make your exit plan, start by asking yourself what the best, worst, and most likely case scenarios are, and be honest in your answers. Obviously, the best case scenario is that you leave, everyone accepts it, and all is well. The worst case scenario is that someone tries to prevent you from leaving — you may be harassed by missionaries or concerned churchgoers, for example. But what is the most likely case scenario? That depends on the religious community, their beliefs, and how involved you were in the first place. When making your exit plan, prepare for the most likely scenario, but have a backup plan in case the worst case scenario happens.

Once you’ve prepared yourself for the best, worst, and most likely outcomes, choose a friend, significant other, or family member who can help you make your exit. Ideally, this person is not a member of the group you are trying to leave. Their role is mainly to provide emotional support, although they may also need to be willing to run off any well-meaning missionaries who come calling. This person can also help you transition after you leave. For example, you might make a plan to get coffee with them every week during the time your old religious community holds worship services.

Finally, make your strategy for leaving. Choose a date and don’t put it off! If you have any responsibilities within the group, send in a letter of resignation. Figure out who you’ll need to have conversations with about your leaving — this will likely include any family members or close friends who are still part of the group. Schedule those conversations. Make sure to have them in public places, where people will be less likely to make a scene.

If you feel it is necessary, you may want to request that your name be removed from the group’s membership records so you don’t get emails, phone calls, or friendly visits from them in the future. You may not feel the need to do this, but if contact with the group triggers a mental health crisis, this extra step will help keep you safe.

Of course, it’s not always possible to completely cut ties with a group after leaving. You may have family members, a significant other, or close friends who are still members. If this is the case, you’ll need to establish some clear boundaries. Politely but firmly tell them that, although you’re glad their faith adds value to their lives, you are not willing to be involved in their religious activities. Let them know that this is what is best for your mental and emotional health and that you still value your relationship with them.

Try to make compromises that allow you to preserve the relationship without exposing you to a traumatic religious environment. For example, if your family is Christian and always spends all day on Christmas at church, offer to celebrate with them the day after, once their religious commitments are over.

Hopefully, your loved ones can respect these boundaries. If not, you may need to distance yourself or walk away altogether. If they are knowingly undermining your attempts to take care of yourself, they don’t deserve to be in your life.

During this time, you may find it helpful to read other people’s exit stories online or in books. One of my personal favorites is the book Girl at the End of the World by Elizabeth Esther. Hearing other people’s stories can help you remember that other people have been through similar situations and made it out on the other side. You will too.

Step Two: Seek professional help

I cannot overstate the importance of professional counseling when dealing with trauma of any kind, including religious trauma. Therapists and counselors have the benefit of professional training. They are able to be objective, since they’re approaching the situation from the outside. They can keep you from getting bogged down in your own thoughts and feelings.

I understand that not everyone has access to therapy. I am very lucky to have insurance that covers mental health counseling, but I know not everyone has that privilege. However, there are some options that make therapy more affordable.

There may be an organization in your area that offers free or low-cost therapy — if you live in the U.S., you can find information about these services by checking the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) HelpLine or visiting mentalhealth.gov. You can also look for therapists who use a sliding scale for payment, which means they determine an hourly rate based on the client’s income. And finally, if you have a little bit of extra cash you may want to look into therapy apps like BetterHelp or Talkspace, which are typically cheaper than in-person therapy.

If none of those options work for you, the next best option is to join a support group. Support groups allow you to connect with other people whose experiences are similar to yours and, unlike therapy, they allow you to get advice and feedback from multiple people. These groups are often free, although some charge a small fee.

Finding the right group for you is important. You’re unlikely to find a group for people recovering from religious trauma but, depending on the nature of your trauma, you may fit right in with a grief and loss group, an addiction recovery group, or a group for adult survivors of child abuse. If you’re a member of the LGBTQ+ community, you may be able to find a queer support group. (The LGBTQ+ club at my college was an invaluable resource in my recovery!) Depending on your area, you may also be able to find groups for specific mental and emotional issues like depression or anxiety.

Make sure to do your research before attending a meeting. Find out what, if anything, the group charges, who can join, and whether they use a curriculum or have unstructured sessions. See if you can find a statement about their values and philosophy. Make a note of where meetings are held and of who is running the group. Some support groups meet in churches and may or may not have a religious element to their curriculum. It’s best to avoid religious groups — the last thing you need right now is to be preached to.

Getting other people involved in your recovery will make you feel less alone and prevent you from getting stuck in your own head. A good therapist, counselor, or support group can help you realize what you need to work on and give you ideas for how to approach it.

Step Three: Deprogramming

“Deprogramming” refers to the practice of undoing brainwashing and reintroducing healthy thought patterns. This term is normally used in the context of cult survivors and their recovery, but deprogramming techniques can also be helpful for people recovering from a lifetime of toxic religious rhetoric.

To begin the process of deprogramming, familiarize yourself with the way organizations use thought control to shape the behavior of their members. I recommend starting with the work of Steven Hassan — his BITE model is a handy way to classify types of thought control.

The BITE model lays out four types of control. There’s Behavior Control, which controls what members do and how they spend their free time. (For example, requiring members to attend multiple hours-long meetings each week.) There’s Information Control, which restricts members’ access to information. (For example, denying certain aspects of the group’s history.) There’s Thought Control, which shapes the way members think. (For example, classifying certain thoughts as sinful or dirty.) And finally there’s Emotional Control, which manipulates members’ emotions. (For example, instilling fear of damnation or punishment.)

Here’s a simple exercise to get you started with your deprogramming. Divide a blank sheet of paper into four equal sections. Label one section “Behavior,” one “Information,” one “Thought,” and one “Emotions.” Now, in each section, make a list of the ways your old religious group controlled — and maybe still controls — that area of your life. Once you’ve completed your lists, choose a single item from one of your lists to work on undoing.

For example, let’s say that in your “Information” column, you’ve written that you were discouraged from reading certain books because they contained “evil” ideas. (For a lot of people, this was Harry Potter. For me, it was The Golden Compass.) Pick up one of those books, and read it or listen to it as an audiobook. Once you’ve read it, write down your thoughts. Did you enjoy it? Why or why not? Why do you think your group banned it? What was in this book that they didn’t want you to know about? Write it down.

Once you’ve worked on the first thing, choose something else. Keep going until you’ve undone all the items on your lists.

If you want to go further with deprogramming, I recommend the book Recovering Agency by Luna Lindsey. Although this book is specifically written for former Mormons, I genuinely believe it would be helpful to former members of other controlling religious groups as well. Lindsey does an excellent job of explaining how thought control works and of connecting it to real world examples, as well as deconstructing those ideas. Her book has been a huge help in my recovery process, and I highly recommend it.

Step Four: Replace toxic beliefs and practices with healthy ones

This goes hand-in-hand with step three, and if you’re already working on deprogramming then you’ll already have started replacing your unhealthy beliefs. This is the turning point in the recovery process. You’re no longer just undoing what others have done to you — now you get an opportunity to decide what you want to believe and do going forward. This is the time to let go of things like denial of your desires, fear of divine punishment, and holding yourself to unattainable standards. Get used to living in a way that makes you happy, without guilt.

Notice how each step builds on the previous steps. Therapy and deprogramming can help you identify what beliefs and behaviors need to be adjusted or replaced. Your therapist, support group, and/or emotional support person can help you make these changes and follow through on them.

These new beliefs and practices don’t have to be religious — in fact, it’s better if they aren’t. If you can live a healthy, happy, balanced life without religion, you’ll be in a better position to choose a religion that is the right fit for you, if that is something you want.

Your new healthy, non-religious practices may include: mindfulness meditation, nature walks, journaling, reading, exercise, energy work, learning a hobby or craft, or spending time with loves ones — or it might include none of these things, and that’s okay too. Now is the time to find what brings you joy and start doing it every day.

Step Five: Ritual healing

This is an optional step, but it’s one that has been deeply healing for me. You may find it helpful to design and perform a ritual to mark your recovery.

Note that when I say “ritual,” I don’t necessarily mean magic. Rituals serve a psychological purpose as well as a spiritual one. They can act as powerful symbolic events that mark a turning point in our lives or reinforce what we already know and believe. Even if you don’t believe in magic, even if you’re the least spiritual person you know, you can still benefit from ritual.

You might choose to perform a ritual to finalize your healing, or to symbolically throw off the chains of your old religion. It can be elaborate or simple, long or short, joyful or solemn. It might include lighting a candle and saying a few words. It might include ecstatic dance. It might include drawing or painting a representation of all the negative emotions associated with your old religion, then ritually destroying it. The possibilities are literally endless. (If you’re looking for ritual ideas, I recommend the book Light Magic for Dark Times by Lisa Marie Basile.)

One type of ritual that some people find very empowering is unbaptism. An unbaptism is exactly what it sounds like — the opposite of a baptism. The idea is that, if a baptism makes a Christian, an unbaptism makes someone un-Christian, no longer part of that lineage. It is a ritual rejection of Christianity. (Obviously, this only applies if you’re a former Christian, though some of the following suggestions could be adjusted to fit a rejection of other religions.)

If you’re interested in unbaptism, here are some ideas for how it could be done:

A classic method of unbaptism is to recite the Lord’s Prayer backwards under a full moon. (For a non-Christians version, use a significant prayer from whatever religion you have left.)

Run a bath. Add a tiny pinch of sulfur (a.k.a. brimstone) to the water. Get into the bath and say, “By water I was baptized, and by water my baptism is rejected.” Submerge your entire body under the water for several seconds. When you come back up, your unbaptism is complete. (You may want to shower after this one. Sulfur does not smell good.)

The Detroit Satanic Temple has a delightfully dramatic unbaptism ritual. For a DIY version, you will need holy water or some other relic from the faith you were baptized in, a fireproof dish, a black candle, and an apple or other sweet fruit. Light the candle and place it in your fireproof dish. Toss some holy water onto the flame (not enough to extinguish it) and say, “I cast my chains into the dust of hell.” Take a bite of the apple and say, “I savor the fruit of knowledge and disobedience.” Finally, declare proudly, “I am unbaptized.” You can add “in the name of Satan” at the end or leave it out, depending on your comfort level.

Personally, I’ve never felt the need to unbaptize myself. I’ve ritually rejected my Mormon upbringing in other ways. Maybe someday I’ll decide to go for the unbaptism, but I’ve never really felt like I needed it. Likewise, you’ll need to decide for yourself what ritual(s) will work for you.

Step Six: Honor your recovery

Our first reaction to trauma is to hide it away and never speak of it again. When we do this, we do ourselves a disservice. Your recovery is a part of your life story. You had the strength to walk away from a situation that was hurting you, and that deserves to be celebrated! Be proud of yourself for how far you’ve come!

You may choose to honor your recovery by celebrating an important date every year, like the day you decided to leave the group, the date of the last meeting you attended, or the date you were removed from the membership records. Keep this celebration fun and light — get drinks with friends, bake a cake for yourself, or just take a few moments to silently acknowledge your journey.

If you feel like having a party is a bit much, you can also honor your recovery by talking to other people about your experiences. Share your story with others. If you’re feeling shy, try sharing your story anonymously online. (Reddit has several forums specifically for anonymous stories.) You’ll be amazed by how validating it can be to tell people what you’ve been through. `

Another way to honor your recovery is to work for personal and religious freedom for all people. Protest laws with religious motivations. Donate to organizations that campaign for the separation of church and state. Educate people about how to recognize an unhealthy religious organization. Let your own story motivate you to help others who are in similar situations.

And most of all, take joy in your journey. Be proud of yourself for how far you’ve come, but know that your recovery is a lifelong journey. Be gentle and understanding with yourself. You are doing what is right for you, and no god or spirit worthy of worship could ever be upset by that.

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finding-hope-strength-courage · 3 years

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🌺 Hope-Strength-Courage Blog 🌺 - 06/03/2021

💻 About Me and This Blog

👉🏻 I feel happier keeping my name anonymous. 👤

👉🏻 I am 29 years old. 🎂

👉🏻 I am married to my husband. We’ve been married for nearly 3 years and together for over 12 years. 💍

👉🏻 I am a Mum to our 15 month old daughter. 🤱🏻

💡 I decided to start writing this blog around Christmas 2020 due to how I was feeling in relation to my Mental Health and the current situation with The Pandemic. I have a complex history with my Mental Health but I have worked incredibly hard over the course of my life to learn to cope with things better and find ways of overcoming and dealing with my emotions and feelings. I’m very good at “getting on with life” as people like to say but it’s tough at times.

💔 Bereavement, Grief and Loss

⭐️ A bit of background about me is that my Mum died when I was 6 years old due to both Physical and Mental Illness. She ultimately died from Anorexia as her body couldn’t fight any longer. I lived with my Granny mostly as a Baby and Young Child as my Mum was in and out of hospital and my Dad worked. She brought me up and was in nearly every way my Mum and I truly looked up to her. Sadly she died when I was 11 after a very short battle with Breast Cancer. By this time I was living at home with My Dad and Step-Mum. My Mum and Dad separated when I was around 5 years old and he remarried when I was 10. My Dad sadly died when I was 19 very suddenly and unexpectedly after suffering a from a very big Heart Attack. This is a bit of background on my past with Grief and why I feel Bereavement, particularly in Childhood is something that should never be overlooked and young people need to be supported during these times. The loss of my parents at young ages has had a significant impact on me growing up.

🧠 Mental Health and Illness

💭 It is difficult for me to know exactly when I began struggling with my Mental Health because I may have been too young to be fully aware of it or just didn’t understand how I was feeling. I would say when I was about 12 or 13 I knew I felt different and was struggling with emotions that many around me didn’t appear to be feeling or understand. I felt very negatively about myself and my mind became overwhelmed.

🧠 I believe I suffered with Anxiety before I was actually diagnosed or had treatment for it. I think I probably had it during my teenage years and it is something I continue to work on everyday, particularly since becoming a Mum and during the last year with The Pandemic. I think I suffer with both Generalised Anxiety Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder. I am still learning a lot about these and myself. I also suffer with OCD and this has been tough for me. My OCD is generally around Checking compulsions - Appliances, Door Locks, Rereading my writing, Driving amongst others. Since I was pregnant and then becoming a Mum and The Pandemic I have developed Obsessions and Compulsions around - Germs, Illness and Cleanliness. I am continuing to work on these things and not let it get out of control as much as possible.

💊 I was on medication for almost 5 years from the beginning of 2014 until the Autumn of 2018 for my Anxiety and OCD. I made the decision to come off my medications with the help of a Doctor when it was right for me. I have also had counselling a number of times since the age of 16 which has been helpful at various points in my life and given me extra tools and support.

🧡 **Trigger Warning. I have a difficult and complicated history of Self-Harm. From the age of about 12 up until I was 23 this was something I battled a lot with and was my coping mechanism in many ways. I am in recovery from this now and have been for almost 6 years. An achievement I’m very proud of but also something that is difficult for me to talk about, mainly because of how misunderstood it is and the judgements people make. Having said that I feel that it’s important to raise awareness around topics like this to help the stigmas that still surround these issues. I am also aware that discussion of topics like these can be triggering for many people so would always want to be careful in how I approached it.

🧩 I’m trying to piece parts of my life together. My experiences and who I am as a person. I am a Highly Sensitive Person, An Introvert and from research I believe my personality type is INFJ. I love Psychology and learning more about it. I struggle with Low Self Esteem, feelings of Guilt and I apologise in life all the time even when I don’t need to.

✏️ This blog will be like a diary for me. Writing is how I feel I can express myself the best and I’ve written Diaries on and off for as long as I can remember but sometimes it can feel a bit lonely, I thought maybe starting this might help in some way. I will post my thoughts and feelings about things as well as sharing other posts and information on topics I resonate with and want to raise more awareness about. I find quotes and lyrics very powerful too and attach my own meanings to them. I love photography too. These are things that help me express myself.

🌼 I hope that if you stumble across this blog that something on here might help you in someway if you are going through things in your life. Someone said to me this evening “If you feel something, don’t apologise. Try to work through it” and that is what I am trying my best to do.

🙏🏻 Maybe the struggles in life are important, they’ve probably taught me the most.

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alexjenniferabeille · 4 years

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Comparative Analysis Essay 10/8/19

They’re Not Lazy

We all get lazy sometimes. There’s often things we’d rather just not do, usually in favor of doing something else, but sometimes in favor of doing nothing at all. Teens especially get flak for their laziness, which makes sense as they’re growing into themselves and learning to process responsibility while managing burgeoning interests in all kinds of activities. But what happens when you regularly call out a child’s incessant laziness, and you’re wrong? You can only make such a judgement based on what you see and what you know; and what you see is a child not cleaning their room, not doing their homework, not completing chores despite multiple reminders and sometimes even threats of punishment, and what you know is that that behavior corresponds to laziness. It’s beyond time to expand that knowledge. There exists a set of medical symptoms that has its own name, separate from the disorders it may be a part of, called Executive Dysfunction. Executive Dysfunction is not something you will typically be diagnosed with; instead, it is an under-discussed piece of the puzzle of many discrete mental illnesses that too often are overlooked, especially in young people. Tragically, when you call someone with Executive Dysfunction lazy with enough regularity, it can cause internalized self-loathing, decreased self-esteem, further motivation issues, and overall increases the negativity in their lives. It’s unhealthy, unintentionally abusive, and deserves to be addressed. Because while laziness and Executive Dysfunction produce similar observable effects in one’s life—namely “lazy behaviors”—they differ significantly in terms of where the behaviors come from, how one responds to the accusation of laziness, and the means of correcting the behaviors. When these differences are successfully understood, the knowledge can allow us to protect our most vulnerable from the psychological damage that frequently comes with this misattribution of laziness.

Laziness is first and foremost a decision, one we frequently make subconsciously. Not often do we sit down on the couch with the intention to be lazy, but four episodes of Brooklyn 99 later and you’re really not feeling like getting up to make dinner anymore, so you order in instead. Simply put, laziness is an avoidance of responsibility. Whether it’s because you’d rather watch a show than go for a walk, rather enjoy the company of friends instead of cleaning, or you’d rather just plain not go to the DMV, it’s all due to choosing one thing over another, more responsible thing. Laziness is, in fact, a perfect example of what proper Executive Functioning looks like. Every healthy brain has what is called Executive Function; the ability to prioritize, begin, carry out, and finish tasks correctly is fundamental to modern life. However, there are many cases where this mental process is damaged, and these cases are considered as a group to be Executive Functioning disorders. Disorders like Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, Autism Spectrum Condition, Clinical Depression, Bipolar Disorder, and many others have the capacity to undermine the brain’s Executive Functioning abilities. This appears in a great variety of ways, but for the most part it is observably similar to laziness. It impacts everyone to different degrees, and is not something anyone has control over, much as society would like us to believe the opposite.

Control is the basic, or perhaps even only building block of human behavior, or so we are led to believe. We are fed this myth by the world around us; traditional media and social media both are frequently used to characterize poor behavior, including lazy behavior, as a personal failing. If someone seems lazy, our society says, they merely aren’t controlling their behaviors well enough. They’re just not trying hard enough. As such, it is hard for many to grasp the concept that what we do is influenced by much more than just the individual decisions we make. People with Executive Dysfunction cannot overcome their deficits by sheer force of will. And unfortunately, for many, desperately trying to can feel physically and emotionally painful. When you consider a child who will not clean their room, the typical parental response is some form of discipline. For children who are merely lazy, the threat of discipline is frequently enough to get them going, to various degrees of success (children are, of course, far more complicated than the scope of this discussion is able to address). When the child is struggling with Executive Dysfunction, even the threat of discipline may not be able to unlock their ability to clean. Their brain is struggling with some part of the process—they may not be able to start cleaning of their own volition. If they can manage to start, they may struggle to stay on task. If the clutter becomes overwhelming (sensory overwhelm is a common symptom of many Executive Functioning disorders), perhaps they have difficulty navigating where to start, or in what order to clean, and subsequently shut down from frustration. For children who persistently struggle to clean their room, parents may be tempted to call the children themselves “lazy” as opposed to their behaviors. For children who are lazy, this may be a wake up call to their behavior. For children with Executive Dysfunction, this is a judgement on their character. They cannot do the task, for reasons they struggle to understand, and will internalize this characterization. Frequently, parents call these children lazy time and time again, and become frustrated with their inabilities, presuming it to be a matter of lack of control. If only their child would just try harder, if only they would just get their homework and housework done. This characterization of their struggling child shapes how the child perceives themself, and frequently leads to low self-esteem, self-loathing, and can contribute to the formation of depression, and even physical or emotional self harm. Typically, we can identify when a child is genuinely struggling with performing activities by genuinely listening to them, as Executive Dysfunction frequently causes emotional distress due to its universal impact. A person with Executive Dysfunction struggles with tasks they want to do just as much as tasks they don’t. It can be just as difficult to get up and get a snack you desperately want as it can be to do a chore (a notable exception may exist for some children with ADHD or Autism. Their Executive Dysfunction may be influenced by their interest-based nervous system).

When we listen to our youth and hear their concerns, and with an understanding that Executive Dysfunction exists, we can, as a society, begin to make changes in how we should address their lazy behaviors. Drawing on the lazy child not cleaning their room example from before, it’s often enough to use a disciplinary approach, tailored to the personality of the child. Even with a difficult child who has an attitude, it would be a matter of approach (that may even include counseling!) to get them to overcome their laziness. But when the child is suffering emotionally, discipline will serve only to make matters worse. A child who may have an Executive Functioning disorder needs very different resources, and even if a parent is not sure that this is the case, they should involve their pediatrician or look into finding a child psychologist. There are a myriad of options to aid the struggling child. Medication, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and working with the children themselves to find suitable accommodations are just a few. To use myself as an example (I have professionally diagnosed ADHD), I often find having a friend or family member in the room with me while I clean is enough to keep me on task and helps when I feel overwhelmed by clutter. Even something as simple as kindly being asked if I’ve begun to do a task can suddenly make the task feel possible. I also take medication that allows me to focus and prioritize successfully, among many other social and cognitive benefits. What had never worked, and still doesn’t work, is being shamed when I fail to overcome my own brain’s incapabilities.

We should not live in a world where “don’t shame your child,” and “listen when your child says they’re struggling” are potentially radical suggestions. As a member of a community full of late-diagnosed adults, however, I’ve seen far too many people discuss at length the kind of treatment they received from their parents (and frequently other authority figures) as children and how much damage it did to them. As a late-diagnosed adult myself, I am still disentangling my internalized shame. Calling your children lazy, shaming them for what they may genuinely have no control over, instead of leading with empathy and avoiding name-calling and blaming, does real, long-term damage that may persist throughout the rest of their life. Executive Dysfunction exists, and no matter how similar the inaction may seem, it is not laziness. Parents, stop calling your children lazy. Listen to their concerns, and if necessary, seek help. Signed, every late-diagnosed adult with Executive Dysfunction.

#college comp #ENG123 #essay #schoolwork

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lilydodge · 6 years

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the trauma epidemic & the crisis at the border: what you can - no, NEED - to do

Immediate places to donate/volunteer

RAICES

Border Angels

Texas Civil Rights Project

South Texas Pro Bono Asylum Representation Project

Lutheran Immigration & Refugee Services

The Young Center

The Florence Project

Our country is currently in the business of traumatizing children and families at an alarming rate. What can we as individuals do about it?

GET TRAUMA INFORMED.

People often say that when you have a hammer, everything looks like a nail - but after 2 years of training, studying, and living this reality, I’m pretty confident in saying that addressing trauma can go far toward addressing a whole host of other problems that we often see as discrete.

Some facts about trauma

First: we need to take trauma seriously. Trauma is an experience outside the scope of normal brain development. Too often, we dismiss survivors by saying that what they experienced was not that bad, or that other people have it worse, or that “bad stuff happens to everyone.”

At the same time, trauma is everywhere. I must confess that when I first entered this world, I would hear stories and think they must be outliers. Sure, stuff like that happened, but incredibly rarely. How many people are really living through some kind of Lifetime movie hellhole as kids? The answer is far too many. So while trauma is “not normal” based on healthy brain development, it is all too normal based on our existing culture. It’s not just the handful of people writing memoirs about lurid abuse or on the news being rescued from torture - it’s people you know. Lots of homes, childhoods, and adults hide incredibly damaging trauma.

So when I say “trauma” in this piece, please know that I mean both intense experiences of fear, pain, humiliation, etc. that do lasting damage AND very common experiences that many people - more than you might guess, if you’re not one of them - endure.

Second: trauma changes the brain. Trauma does lasting neurological damage and can impact someone’s functioning long after the trauma takes place. And this impact is incredibly wide-ranging. Just a sampling of things trauma can leads to: difficulty in relationships, trouble focusing in school, substance abuse, trouble sleeping, disordered eating, low self-esteem, poor impulse control, depression, dissociation, identity disturbance.

Specific discussions of childhood trauma relevant to this crisis:

Nazis separated me from my parents as a child - it caused permanent damage

A pediatric doctor on the trauma caused by this administration’s policies

The toxic stressed caused by family separation

Kids can suffer permanent damage from border separations

Third: Trauma begets trauma. The symptoms of trauma put individuals with trauma at risk for more trauma.

Consider the young man who is sexually abused as a child. The trauma sets his brain into fight-or-flight mode so constantly that he simply cannot focus in school. His shame at not knowing what’s going on around him in the classroom causes him to act out. He gets in trouble at school, which stacks onto the previous trauma, making him feel that no adults and no situations are ever safe. He acts out because he feels ashamed and afraid, and the consequences are that he is made to feel more ashamed and more afraid, so the problem is never solved. He ends up in a classroom with other students who act out, and frequent violent behavior from his classmates stacks more trauma. He drops out of school. Police approach him for loitering, and since he is so triggered by aggressive authoritarian figures and never learned healthy impulse control, he lashes out and is violently arrested and charged with assaulting an officer. Another trauma. He ends up incarcerated, which is an environment seemingly designed to do nothing but deepen existing traumas and cause more trauma.

Consider the young woman who is raised by a mother with untreated mental illness and her own traula. Her mother is distant and neglectful. When she as a young child cries for her mother, no comfort comes. Sometimes mom is playful and attentive; sometimes she is entirely absent. Adults are unstable and frightening. Her brain learns early on that she’s on her own and that others cannot be trusted. As a young woman, she acts “manipulative” and “codependent” - survival mechanisms learned by her trauma. Adults at school and in her family shame and scold her for this, and she has volatile relationships with peers and adults. She seeks sexual attention from older men, since this seems like a way to gain security and a stable relationship. Some of these men are abusive - more trauma. She gets pregnant at a young age. Because of her trauma behaviors and fear of abandonment, she and the child’s father fight loudly and sometimes violently. This traumatizes the child, who becomes whiny and “difficult”. She, never having learned how to parent in a healthy way, grows distant from the child. And the cycle continues.

Fourth: trauma can be healed, but it takes time and effort. None of what I described above is a life sentence. It does not make people unable to function, or impossible to have a healthy relationship. But it does not heal on its own. It takes therapeutic expertise and an environment that can re-teach the brain how to feel safe.

Right now, there are not enough institutions and individuals that are trauma-informed. Schools, rehab centers, jails, prisons, courts, libraries, churches, hospitals, families - we all need to get our act together and work to understand, treat, and prevent trauma. Because I truly believe that trauma is at the root of most of our social ills, from failing schools to addiction epidemics to police brutality. And if we can get all hands on deck to prevent and treat trauma, we can stop the cycle for an entire generation.

ACTIONABLE STEPS YOU CAN TAKE:

Take trauma seriously. If you joke about “triggers” or “daddy issues;” if you think people need to “just get over it” or “be less sensitive;” if you don’t believe survivors, you are part of the problem. If you “refuse to accept excuses” when someone’s behavior is difficult or troubling, because they are struggling to control feelings or impulses due to trauma, you are part of the problem.

Get informed. Read The Body Keeps The Score, The Connected Child, The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog, and anything else you can get your hands on about how trauma works and how it can be addressed. Lots of trauma survivors keep blogs where you can read about their daily struggles and what helps and doesn’t.

Work on your own trauma. You can make sure the cycle ends with you. If you have the resources, see a trauma-informed therapist. Check out workbooks, online communities, and any other resources that can help.

Vote in people who take this seriously. Police violence, prison abuses, under-funded social programs - these all contribute to the epidemic of trauma we’re facing. Trauma is a political issue. Vote.

Be a village parent. If your cousin is spanking their kids, say something. If your spouse teases your son for crying, put a stop to it. If you’re not teaching your children healthy ways of handling their emotions and relationships, start doing that. Now. If you don’t know how, learn. Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn is a great place to start.

Advocate and educate. Do you have kids? Is their school or daycare trauma-informed? Advocate for a classroom management and discipline solution that is trauma informed. Is your workplace trauma-informed? Your church? Your local library? Set up panels and workshops in your community where people can learn about trauma. If one book particularly helped you, order extra copies and hand them out.

Get your boots on the ground. The world needs more trauma-informed people who put their skills into action. Volunteer with young people who are at-risk. Become a classroom teacher. Or a foster parent. Or a lawyer. Go into jails, group homes, shelters, rehabs.

Get. Your. Boots. On. The. Ground.

I’m dead serious about this. The constant cycle of trauma in our world is an absolute crisis. A crisis that is calling out to us to upend our careers, our homes, and our lives. A woman fleeing a domestic violence situation needs somewhere to stay where the people around her are trauma-informed and can help her heal instead of stacking the trauma. A man with an addiction problem that’s numbing years of untreated trauma needs a trauma-informed recovery environment. A 6 year old with violent symptoms of abuse needs a trauma-informed foster family, not a situation where adults attempt to control and discipline him out of the behaviors. Can you provide any of those? Can you support people who are trying to provide those?

The world needs more trauma-informed, therapeutic environments. Learn how to provide one, then do it. Open your home. Open your life. Open your budget. Open your career. It will be messy and difficult and inconvenient. Do it anyway.

Ask yourself: what’s really stopping me from using my time and skills to heal cycles of trauma? And how can I get around that obstacle? Self-work? Therapy? Training and workshops? Changing how you spend your free time? Budgeting? A career change? This is critical. Find a way to get involved.

This is true regardless, but since we as a nation are now causing this sort of trauma to thousands more children at an alarming rate, it’s more pressing than ever. Counseling services, therapeutic families, and other programs intended to help kids with trauma are already under-funded and over-taxed. While it’s critical to stop traumatizing kids at the border ASAP, the fact remains that at the time of this writing, we already have over 2,000 children who are going to grow up needing trauma-informed schools, communities, churches, doctors, families, police, teachers and courts. This problem is only growing and it’s critical that we all start working to shrink it. Now.

#trauma informed parenting #trauma #border crisis #family separation #childhood trauma

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delsonbundrick97 · 4 years

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