be me driving down a country road on my way home from work. I crest a hill and i see a black speck of trash or debris near the center line. as i come up on it i am momentarily shocked to see it is the perfect 3d form of a large spider. a toy, is my first thought, meant to be a prank...but in the middle of the road with no houses nearby?
ah yes, it's august in rural california. tarantula migration time
me, an idiot, pulls into the next driveway, turns around, waits for a passing truck, winces because spider be flat now for sure, and goes back up the road mostly out of curiosity but also innately wanting to spare my small, slow, fuzzy neighbor a gruesome death
i look for squashed legs and spattered spider bits, but lo and behold it is still trekking across the road at the breakneck speed of dial-up. again, i am an idiot. i park on the shoulder. i enter the road. i hear a car coming (speed limit is 45mph). i approach my charge, mind racing because now i might be splatted too. i cannot grab it with my hands, i heard they can give you a rash. i realize my mask is still hanging from my front pocket (i never leave it there after work but today i was in a hurry). i don't have time to bend down and scoop it up, but now I'm holding this cloth mask and the seconds are ticking
the oncoming cars can see me clearly in my state parks uniform. they can see the hazard lights on my car. they slow down because I'm focused on something in the road. they watch as i, with all the official grace my uniform evokes, repeatedly SPANK the tarantula with my mask until i have swept it off the road like an indigent rulebreaker
the tarantula waves its arms and mandibles at me like "what the hell, dickwad? I'm walkin here!" and i march off like "nothing to see here folks" even though i just gave them the most interesting spectacle of their day. even funnier is i don't think they could see the tarantula. they just saw a parks employee hitting the asphalt with a mask and walking away like nothing happened.
honestly the stupidest thing I've ever done. but it felt good
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