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#covid 19 tw

//life updates: friend still in the hospital but recovering. our clinic secretary’s husband is in organ failure from covid complications. my asthma has been acting up which is causing more anxiety than I care to admit, but I got new medication today. unfortunately, I had to leave the house and interact with a pharmacist to do it. it’s weird how quickly I’ve grown to dread even little things like that. by day I swear I’m coping fine, I get through school, I see my clients, somehow I’m managing to get by. at night, though…I don’t know. I had more motivation for creative pursuits when things were normal and my days were spent at the clinic, at school, with my friends. 

I keep thinking I’ll want to write. It isn’t that I lack the time, exactly (though I do still have several hours in the day occupied by grad school.) it’s just…I think I’m just so focused on surviving that I’ve dissociated everything else. I’m lapsing back into old coping mechanisms and behaviors I haven’t relied on this heavily since I was 15 and chronically depersonalized. 

someday, when this ends (and it will end) I’m going to look back on it and have a lot to say about the impacts of collective trauma on both my personal and professional lives and its impact around the globe. I’ll have a lot to say about what it was like being a trainee therapist during such a difficult moment in modern history. it’s going to be really interesting. someday.

right now…I’m just numb. 

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you know something that’s oddly comforting in these covid 19 times?


the need for a weather forecast never changes. pop up storms are still happening, weird heat waves and cold snaps, hazardous road conditions, rain and sun and snow and high wind warnings- none of that has gone away. so when you turn on the local news, yeah you’re going to see a ton of covid stories, but the weatherman will always pop up at some point to take a look at the radar and give you your seven day forecast.

and that’s….weirdly comforting. not even a global pandemic can stop the weather.

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its odd, i think

its odd how the world has not changed at all

but it’s changed so much

virus. pandemic. death rate

theyre common words and terms now

and yet, the world is the same as it always has been

chaotic. hazy. dangerous

now i just worry more for my aging and ill family

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Ok please stay with me for a moment here while I rant because I am emotionally exhausted.

I really want people to consider the impact of their actions. I have faith in my followers that they are not the type to be selfish, but maybe this will get through to someone.

Hoarding medical supplies and personal protective equipment is harming more than just the human medical industry and those working directly with COVID-19 patients.

As someone who works in veterinary medicine, we’re screwed. And thus, so are your pets. Your dog gets hit by a car? We can’t get the equipment we need to create a sterile field to do any surgical repairs. Your cat eats a bunch of string and needs it surgically removed? We don’t have the masks (not even talking about N95 masks, just normal surgical masks) or gowns that we need for our SINGLE DOCTOR PRACTICE to perform surgery. My clinic has one doctor. We typically have one technician in surgery to monitor vitals. We literally cannot get enough PPE for TWO people to perform a sterile procedure. Without the proper equipment, we are risking higher rates of post surgical infection and complications. We’ve been reusing masks for weeks at a time now to try and keep enough stock for when dire emergencies come in, but you can only use them so much before they break. And you can’t reuse gloves.

I 100% respect human medical care workers for the ultimate sacrifices they are making right now. When it comes to medication and N95 masks, they should get everything they possibly can. But when people shoot back that pets don’t matter right now, I urge you to think of this.

If your pet gets sick, and we don’t have the supplies to save them, you aren’t allowed to go in to the clinic to say goodbye. The only people allowed in the clinic are staff. So, when hoarding masks and gowns and gloves, take a moment to think about whether it is worth not getting to say goodbye to a cherished family member and forcing them to spend the last moments of their life without a familiar face nearby.

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The host just switched out with me.

I can sense the residual fear and heartbreak, this pandemic is taking a huge toll on us. This is incredibly traumatising (no duh).

I don’t know if he’ll come back, i’m kind of worried he’s gone dormant or something (i can barely feel his presence, even less so than normal).

Everybody else is gonna freak when they hear, and i’m gonna have to be the one to tell them.

Me, the one who spit hurtful words at everyone around me to cover up something horrible that happened to us.

Damn it, i regret my words now more than ever.


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I have so many things to say but the words haven’t been coming out, as a microbiologist the topic of infectious diseases has always been a special interest along side microbes themselves. Being jobless in such a situation where I have the knowledge and skills to help and yet I’m completely unemployed and incapable of getting a job.

I think it’s breaking me a little, microbiology is such a big part of who I am and now I’m just flat out useless when it matters most. Oh sure staying home is “helping out” too~~. But that means nothing when my sole purpose in life is completely ripped from my hands all the while.

We’ve been all over the place emotionally this entire time, but every time I can pinpoint a single emotion it ends up being something like this, when Im generally neutral on the surface and feel like I’m having an okay time.

But new trauma sturs up old trauma and we gotta re-stabilize and not let it suck me in and get out of hand, everyone in this system has something to vent about lately and it’s exhausting.

But I’m doing an okay job working through these emotions. I’ve been doing lots of tiny things and feeling more accomplished, finding new and weird things to look forward to also.

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I feel like for the first two weeks of the quarantine, we were constantly in flight mode. We had tons of energy, very energetic and highly activated parts were out accomplishing a million things, and there was just a general sense of moving 100mph. We’re now in the middle of week four, and things have drastically changed. We’re just pretty stuck in freeze and collapse right now. I’m exhausted constantly and just want to sleep all day. I feel bitter at my boss for wanting us to accomplish anything and I just generally feel bored and lethargic and unmotivated even when I’m not dying of sleepiness. 

This just feels so unsustainable. Will something shift eventually? The university in my city, which hosts a world famous medical center, just extended their policy of not seeing in-person patients until June 20. So I’m guessing that’s going to be the minimum for how long I’m stuck at home, but who even knows. It could be a year I guess. It just feels like an impossible time to exist right now and I desperately wish I didn’t have to try and work, but I also don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have work. There’s no winning. It’s like being trapped in an endless swirl of pressure cooker, exhaustion, and defeat. 

- Gabe, mostly

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Venting AGAIN because I’m a piece of shit I guess. But I’m about to fucking go off on my English teacher that’s been giving me hell all year. She sends me this email which goes on to say that school is still in session and I have to act like it and turn in work and I’m over here like ?? Why the fuck has she assigned over five assignments KNOWING the school hasn’t given out laptops yet (mine doesn’t work with the programs we are using bc it’s a Mac) like, I just got my laptop five minutes ago. Another thing is, school isn’t a fucking priority right now! IM TRYING TO FUCKING SURVIVE. I’m trying to find a job, a place to live, how to find food daily like sorry a practice exam for an EXAM WE ARE NO LONGER TAKING isn’t going to feed me. I’m so fucking done with school

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