#covid really made me lose concept of time

[celestie0]

Idk if this is weird to ask but can you tell more about your situationship?😭 I’m curious since it inspired the story idkkk

nooo not weird at all haha, i had plans to share more ab it once i was done w kickoff but i dont really mind sharing a bit now (will literally always take up any chance to talk ab it it’s an impulse i cannot resist)

basically i met this guy like halfway through my freshman year of college at a frat event, it was a bit different from kickoff dynamic in that we started hooking up pretty soon after that, just a casual thing, but then the pandemic hit and so he went back home to live w his grandpa/family in new york (i live in cali) once campus shut down and stuff. obviously we couldn’t hook up anymore LMFAO but we still talked a lot and i think it was during this time of just talking to one another that i really started to catch massive feelings for him :”)

i went through some bad anxiety during covid, struggling a lot w my career and if i still wanted to pursue the things i thought i wanted (i think a lot of college students went through this w the pandooski) but he would always be there for me and would stay on facetime calls w me if i was struggling to study, he’d cheer me up w pics of his tibetan dogs lol, just reallyyy sweet ugh when we were long distance i rly saw a side of him i didn’t before and i think that’s what made me fall for him

i confessed to him first, similar to reader in kickoff, n told him we could do long distance until he moved back here. but then he hit me with the “i’m sorry, i can’t date you, i’ve got commitment issues”. in his case, he had a long-term girlfriend in high school for four years who he also was dating into college (before he met me), but he found out she had been cheating on him for a long time w not just one but multiple of his friends 😭 so..he said he has really bad trust issues, and that he really wanted to try to date me, but he just felt like he couldn’t

i was really hurt, obviously, but i think in hindsight maybe it was a responsible decision on his part to not throw me into a mess of a relationship w him, one he knew he wasn’t ready for. but at the time, i just thought that it was bc i wasn’t good enough to change his mind. anyways, he asked if we could still talk and be friends, and i said sure bc i didn’t really want to lose him. i figured i could just wait for him (and i told him that i would)

yeahhh well the waiting was way more fucking painful than i thought. he flew to cali once to visit me when flights were sort of resuming, which is just fucking insane because you’ll fly to see me but you won’t date me 😭, and i told him that it’d be the last time he ever sees me! and it was :”) maybe it was an impulsive decision by me, but idk. yknow when you get stuck in a limbo for what feels like forever that you make a decision just for the sake of making one (it was such a short amt of time in reality, but it felt like forever) he made a comment to me in our last conversation about how he really wished he didn’t have to be someone i had to wait on to change, and that really fuckin stuck w me lmao i cried so hard the drive home from the airport. i think all the “what-ifs” kinda sunk in at that moment

ch7 of kickoff was basically me trying to get inside the head of the guy from my situationship, and see what it’s like to have fears hold you back from wanting to experience something for yourself, something that could be beautiful if you would just give it a chance. i felt like if i wrote it from that angle, i’d have more understanding of my situationship (i dont have commitment issues myself, tbh i’ve never rlly understood the concept. like, i’ve been fucked over by ppl in my life too but i’m never one to punish the next person for it. dealing w my situationship was really hard because of this, i would get really frustrated, but writing ch7 from gojo’s character’s perspective made situationship guy’s feelings make more sense to me, i think, there was a sense of closure in that)

but anyways, i was in love w him for sure. like, possibly infatuated. there was a time where we got into a big argument about something and i think i legit i cried myself into a fever 💀 it was all so crazy and powerful, the feelings, i’ve been involved w other guys since but of course none of it really compares. idk, i guess there are just some people that can make you feel that way, there’s really no use in understanding why.

this sounds so sappy, lmaoo i swear i truly am “over” him in that i hardly think of him that much anymore, n tbh i don’t think of him specifically all that much while i’m writing kickoff, but there are moments where i can’t help but bring those feelings into the story.

there’s a line in ch8, near the end of the bed scene, where reader has a thought like

“You feel so safe with him, and yet you also feel scared, because you like him so much that you would let him ruin you if he wanted to.”

yeah. that’s basically how i felt about him.

#damn sorry this is long asf #kickoff #kickoff backstory #asks #anon

[premium-value]

this is not goodbye by Premium Value

i started making vaporwave in 2020 because ive loved vaporwave for a long time and it occurred to me that it seemed easy to get into just for fun. it was an easy creative outlet during the worst of covid, and it kept being satisfying. looking back a lot of the stuff i made early on was crap but it was still fun. in late 2021 i got reached out to for an opportunity to have one of my albums featured on this new digital label along with a release on cassette which id get a cut of. i had to make some adjustments which resulted in it eventually being a double-album feature to make it feel substantial enough, but i was really excited. essentially over the course of the next year and a half barely any progress was made on their end, id get very little communication, and while that was happening they were still releasing other albums from other artists. this sucked big time. i eventually got fed up and told them i was out, to which they responded seemingly in earnest, but it felt hollow and like they were trying to make amends far too late to save face. this year and a half led to me making probably some of my best stuff, but it was also the beginning of the end. i was running out of ideas. it wasnt until this year when i really started losing steam, both running out of ideas and motivation. again the stuff i have made this year is among my favorite releases, but lets be real including this i only released 4 completely original albums, 1 expanded re-release and one triple album re-release with just a handful of new songs. it feels like every new release i really have to strain to come up with stuff, let alone try and put it all in a cohesive album concept. when i started, up until early 2022, i was releasing an album every month. i was throwing everything i could at it, and then with the label deal sitting around and me burning through my ideas i finally slowed down to an album every other month. this year there were more and more gaps as i allowed myself some room to breathe and come up with stuff. and it was around the middle of the year when i finally cut my ties with that group and that label. if youre a part of that label and you see this and you figure out this is about you, just keep it to yourself. no drama, not necessarily any bad blood, it just sucked and im done with that part of my life. im now officially giving up on any official obligation to regularly make vaporwave. it served me as a huge passion while it lasted, and it is still fun to make stuff when it comes out good, but its just so much harder now. so maybe ill make another album next month, or the month after. maybe ill make another album in 3 months. maybe 6. maybe a year. maybe 5 years. maybe never. i dunno, i leave that up to future me. i still love vaporwave and id love to have more ideas. maybe i need to explore more rabbit holes of music to inspire me. maybe i need to explore making original music more. who knows. to sum up, this is not goodbye. it's "ill see you when i see you." so ill see you. love you. 

track list:

feeling - 6:46

Say You Love Me - 4:02

Talk to Me - 2:30

does he know - 6:34

感情 - 5:27

this is not goodbye - 3:26

released december 4th, 2023

all sample credits included on bandcamp page

#vaporwave #plunderphonics #electronic music #Bandcamp

[longbobmckenzie]

Tips for writing a villa fic

If you pay attention to Love Island the Game fanfiction at all, you've probably read a villa fic or two, or a hundred. They can be a lot of fun, and the nature of the game lends itself really well to the concept. Which is why so many people have started writing villa fics of their own... and yet, so few finish them, or even come close.

Well, I’ve written more than my fair share of villa fics, ranging from a 3k word oneshot (yes, really) to a 230k word start-to-finish Season 2 Bobby fic, and I’ve read a whole lot more, so I've learned a thing or two about the genre.

So, I figured I’d share some of my tips, and ask some of my writer friends for their input (thanks @queen-of-boops, @rebelrayne, and @thoracic-orchid), and here we are!

Buckle in, because this gets long (much like my fics!)

Tip #1: Recognize that it’s a lot of work

It takes a long, long time to write a full villa fic, especially if it’s Season 2 and you’re starting on Day 1 and going right up to the final (and beyond?). We’re talking months of work, maybe even years depending on how much time you have to dedicate to it. My first fic (230k words) took me 9-10 months to write, and that was during COVID lockdown when I didn’t really have much else to do.

This isn’t meant to discourage you at all, but I’ve seen so, so many villa fics get published and never get past the first few chapters. Sometimes they even get 20-30 chapters in before the author loses interest or just plain runs out of free time. It’s a commitment, but it can definitely be done!

This especially applies to “All Star” villa fics or season crossovers. Kudos to those who attempt it and especially those who finish (I know of only one person who’s managed this off the top of my head), but trust me, it’s hard enough writing a villa fic, writing a crossover is putting it on evil mode.

Also consider if you’re writing from a male character’s POV (the LI, perhaps, or a male MC) that you’ll probably need to write more “boys only” scenes, so a little extra creativity is required (I could never, honestly).

Tip #2: Have a plan

I cannot stress this enough. Easy for me to say since I’m an outliner at heart anyway, but I’m in the middle of writing a villa fic and even with an outline, I’m still going back and tweaking early chapters (tip within a tip: write a few chapters before publishing anything!) when my plan changes slightly.

But having a clear direction of where you want to take the fic and planning out plot points, recouplings, dumpings, etc. is extremely important. Especially when you start going off-canon (more on that in a bit) or when you get to days where literally nothing happens in the villa.

The nice thing about villa fics is that you’ve already got a structure to work with, you just have to plan how you want your characters’ relationship(s) to develop and how to drive the plot.

Tip #3: You don’t always have to stick to the plan

That said, characters sometimes do things you didn’t plan for. And that’s okay! Sometimes. There are times you need to assert your will, but other times, things will change and you just need to re-evaluate your outline. And that’s okay… within reason.

For example, in Whiskey & Scotch, my plan was always for Bobby to be the endgame LI. Somewhere along the line, I fell in love with Henrik, and people really liked him and my OC together (mild spoiler: they were coupled up for a time). I was extremely tempted to blow up my outline to make it work for them, but the groundwork was laid for Bobby to be endgame, and I had scenes planned that had been living in my head for months by that point that I was excited for. It just didn’t make sense to make Henrik the LI (which is why I’m now working on a rewrite/alternate ending, because I still love them together even years later).

On the other side, at the post-Casa Amor dumping, Noah was single and I’d planned for him to save Hope. She was already a bit of a villain, they had history, it just made sense. But when I was writing the scene, I was completely stuck on his speech. I got a crazy/evil idea and had him save someone else instead. It changed a lot and I had to rework my outline a bit, but it worked out so well that I can’t imagine doing it the way I’d intended.

Tip #4: Watch the show

This is optional (technically, they all are), but it really is helpful on so many levels. It can give you an idea of the villa layout (Seasons 3-5 and 7 of the show all use the same villa), give you ideas for challenges, dialogue, plot ideas, etc. The show uses a host instead of the opening scene and some of the dumpings being done through text, generally it’s the boys picking the girls on day 1 instead of the girls, etc.

There are also more rules on the show that don’t make it into the game. Again, totally optional, but to make it a bit more realistic you could limit the islanders’ alcohol consumption (or let them get completely shit-faced if that works for your plot), take away all clocks, refer to their microphones occasionally, etc.

Also, like… I’ve never seen anyone on the show have sex on the terrace, but it happens in the game. You want your characters getting it on out in the open like that? By all means. But if you prefer a bit more realism, stick to the bedroom and hideaway. The bathroom is communal, but hey, the shower works too.

If you want to add challenges to your fic, I like to use this website for ideas. It lists most of the challenges from season 3 onwards, including results and video. It’s a great resource.

Tip #5: Kiss canon goodbye

There are definitely readers out there who prefer fics that follow canon, and to each their own. Personally, I’ve played the game over and over, read a whole bunch of fics, and written a bunch of fics, so I’m kinda sick of canon. Plus, sometimes canon just sucks or doesn’t make sense. So don’t be afraid to stray from canon, toss it into a ball and throw it out the window, or stomp all over it.

First, the dialogue. We’ve all read it over and over, got it practically memorized. Feel free to change it! In fact, please do! You can keep some lines and change the responses to completely alter a conversation, or make slight adjustments, or just… not include it at all, if you want. You can take out canon scenes and replace them with your own. Or keep them and just change who-did-what. Etc, etc. Make it your own!

Second, individual scenes. It’s okay to cut them. We don’t need to see Noah singing Toto on the daybed with Hope and Rocco walking by singing Wonderwall. Cutting it will not negatively impact your fic in any way.

What about challenges? Well… they can be cut too. Ask yourself, do they drive the plot? Is it necessary? For example, the day 4 slime challenge. Priya grinds on Noah despite not needing his colour, Lottie gets mad, blah blah blah. We know. The reader most likely knows. But unless you’re making MC’s drama the primary focus, you can cut it and just write a paragraph of narration telling us why the girls are fighting. The reader will understand and most likely appreciate that they didn’t have to skim through it.

Hell, you can skip recouplings, dumpings, even whole days. Trust me, I’ve done it. If you’re primarily sticking to a timeline that generally follows canon and not really messing with what’s going on with the other islanders, you can absolutely skip over that stuff and keep the focus solely on your MC and their LI. You can even still make slight changes to canon and just narrate what happened.

Basically, what you keep depends on what you’re trying to do with your fic. If you want to do the whole villa experience thing, keep as much as you want. If you just want to write a love story between two people who happen to be in the villa, you can cut out anything and everything that doesn’t in some way develop their relationship.

Also, you don’t have to start on day 1. Or if you do, you don’t have to start with the MC arriving at the villa. Be creative! And along the same veins, you don’t have to end it with the final. Heck, your characters don’t have to even make the final!

Tip #6: Read other fics

Again, you don’t have to do this. Plenty of villa fic writers don’t read other people’s villa fics. But I do think it’s a good idea, especially if you want to write a Bobby or Lucas fic (picking on the most popular characters because they have the most fics written for them).

You’ll be able to get some ideas of how other people did it – how much canon they kept in, how much they cut, how they made the story their own – but you’ll also get a good idea of what’s been done before. MC and Bobby are immediately attracted to each other right from the start? Great… but how are you going to make yours different from the other hundred fics that do that? Lucas switches to Blake? Okay yes, that’s canon – but are you going to keep it? What motivations are you going to give him? Maybe MC switches too?

And this isn’t to say that if someone else has an idea for something, you can’t do the same thing. Especially for people who watch the show, there have been a number of situations where people will have the same ideas. I’ve had it where I’ve had scenes planned or written only to read someone else’s fic and seen almost the exact same thing. It happens! Obviously don’t plagiarize, but it’s okay to have the same idea. And if anyone accuses you of stealing ideas, have them send their hate mail to me (don’t actually do that).

Tip #7: Write what you want to read

The reason I got into fanfiction and wrote my first villa fic in the first place was because I had an idea that I thought would be really interesting to read. I didn’t think anyone else was gonna come up with the same idea, though, so I wrote it myself.

I don’t know what sort of motivations other writers have when they start writing their fics, but if you have an idea, you just might be the best candidate to write it.

Tip #8: Don’t do it alone

Find a beta reader if you can (note: it’s not always easy, especially since villa fics are a huge commitment), but even if you can’t get someone to edit for you, getting someone who can give constructive criticism is extremely helpful – if you’re open to listening. They can help you figure out what works, what doesn’t, and what to work on.

Most importantly, though, find someone you can bounce ideas off of. If you’re struggling writing a scene, or need some ideas to help with a character’s motivation or dialogue, or you have a crazy idea and need some validation or advice… having someone you can go to is the best. All of my fics are better thanks to the people who helped, whether it was in big ways or little.

Tip #9: Develop your main character

Okay this is the tip that I don’t actually listen to myself 🤣 I’m a storyteller, so my fics tend to be more about the plot than the character arc, but having more well-rounded, developed characters is something I wish I were better at. If you know who your character is – their voice, their habits, their likes and dislikes, their family and relationship histories – it’ll be easier to write them. And the same goes for the canon characters as well! Give them more of a backstory! Give them siblings and heartbreaks! Especially with a villa fic where, unless they’re doing a challenge, they do nothing but sit around all day and have chats, you need stuff for them to talk about. This goes for group conversations, too – sometimes you just need to have some ideas of things they can talk about.

Now, I will say that I don’t think every MC needs to have heartbreak in their past (maybe they’re the heartbreaker?) or some sort of sob story. Those are common tropes in your regular run-of-the-mill romance story, and there’s nothing wrong with it, but it all goes hand-in-hand with your character’s motivations and how you want their relationship with the LI to develop. You can go that direction, but don’t feel you have to. If the story you have planned doesn’t need a character with a tragic past, then just have them be an average Joe.

Also, just a minor pet peeve of mine… your MC doesn’t have to be this super perceptive person who gets everyone’s answers right in Two Truths and a Lie. It’s day 2, c’mon. And they don't need to be the girl that all the guys in the villa are falling all over themselves to be with – is it more interesting for 4-5 guys to be into MC or for MC to be interested in someone only to be turned down? Just food for thought.

Tip #10: Choose the right POV

There’s no right or wrong POV, so choose whatever’s comfortable for you and your fic. But just note that readers do have their preferences (some people are strongly opposed to 1st and/or 2nd POV, for example). For a chaptered villa fic, it doesn’t really make sense to use 2nd person POV (“you” pronouns) because you’re telling the story of a main character who isn’t really generic. For oneshots/series where you’re writing snapshots of the villa, that might be what works for you, though.

As for 1st and 3rd, there are pros and cons to both. I chose to write my first villa fic in 1st because I really wanted the focus to be on my MC and seeing the villa through her eyes. Basically, if she didn’t see it or hear about it, I wasn’t going to include it. Other than that fic, though, I’ve primarily written in 3rd and it’s made me a better writer.

If you want to alternate POV between your MC and the LI (and maybe some of the side characters as well, as there are some people who do that), I recommend sticking to 3rd POV, because it can be a little confusing for the reader to remember whose POV they’re reading when it’s in 1st.

And there you have it! Ten tips to think about before (or during) embarking on your own villa fic. Good luck!

#litg #litg ff #litg fanfic #litg fanfiction #writing

[seasurfacefullofclouds1]

Have you made any posts explaining why you love Lucky Again so much? It's my least favorite song on the album and I know music is subjective, but I'm really curious because I've seen so many people rank it as one of their favs and I can't see their vision 🤣🤣

Anon, where do I begin?

I love everything about Lucky Again. It’s a perfectly written and recorded song.

My first impression was Louis’ voice, which starts with so much sensuality and confidence that it kills me. “You give and give until it goes away.” Lucky Again is a song of affirmation dressed as a bedroom whisper— easy, relaxed, charismatic, consoling. Right away we know that Louis is telling a story of coming to terms with something in his past, and it’s presented in the breeziest, sunniest way.

The song’s lyrics are brilliant. In a few direct words, Louis sketches a riddle using the double meaning of “loss.”

“Losing” is the opposite of “winning,” but it’s also the opposite of “finding.”

In the song, Louis is saying that different forms of loss have given him the peace to reflect on his life. This meditation has taught him to appreciate the bigger picture (a variation on the Bigger Than Me theme): the world is bigger than one man chasing fame, and his life is bigger than hitting peaks whether they’re professional or personal.

“If you believe that guy is Superman/ There selling tickets at the cinema” is the best metaphor that Louis has ever written about being a pop culture idol. He’s describing a polished, manufactured façade that’s meant to market to fans, but also ends up deluding the celeb in a way: the celeb can actually think he’s a superior person, a superhero, becoming out of touch. Louis has talked many times before about how “One Direction wasn’t real,” and how he has to grapple with the thorns that come with global fame. But the song describes this bittersweet experience in a brilliant, witty two-line metaphor.

Louis has a poet’s brain. He’s also funny as hell!!

The second verse starting with, “Before the world had got so serious,” describes another kind of loss— the loss of human contact that came with the Covid pandemic. We took meeting up for a quick bite for granted, working together, not having to think we could be saying goodbye for the last time.

Then Louis turns introspective with the idea of personal loss— losing one’s grounding, one’s values. He had struggled to “be himself,” but now he realizes he has a choice (“a life I would choose”). The choice is to see his life as lucky; to find the light amidst the darkness.

The turn from losing material things to losing our dearest, most sentimental memories is the subject of a famous poem by Elizabeth Bishop, One Art.

Lyrics and concept aside, I love the way this song sounds. Compared to previous songs, Lucky Again might be a cousin to Fireproof and What A Feeling, but more mature and Californian. Louis called it a “good driving song.” The gentle, loping rhythm, the juxtaposition of the golden guitar riffs with crisp drums, and Louis’ sensual, slightly melancholic voice is — in a word — addictive. I could listen to it on loop for a long time.

This album is full of these amazing puns and jokes and wordplay. And the most tender heartbreak.

#lucky again songwriting #faith in the future songwriting #louis tomlinson #louis songwriting

[longeyelashedtragedy]

d, k, r

D: What’s the most personal fanfic you’ve written?

Ohhh...hmmmm. I'd say my two multichapter AUs, and then dumb kids in their forties (SORRY TO KEEP BRINGING THIS ONE UP lol)

The multichapters (Mare Liberum and Dangerous) depict how I feel/felt about myself, my trauma, and as someone who has trauma that has colored their entire life.

Mare Liberum--written mostly a long time ago and conceived of pre-covid, even, is a version of myself that I feel rarely exists anymore. I love this fic and the universe so much, and wish I was updating it, but not only did it lose all but 1 person of its audience, I also wonder if I can't access that part of me anymore. That fic is just about someone bitter and angry at himself, at how the world treats and perceives him, at the wrongs done to him by others and by himself for who he is, and the fic's message (including the "love story" part) is--If you're born wrong, you're not gonna get a happy ending.

Dangerous is about the different ways people can become fucked up adults. Mikel's story, as I've said a few times, is a really twisted and exaggerated version of my own, and when we eventually get to the Christmas Chapter where Granit visits Mikel's parents for the holiday, this will be the first time I've ever ever given people a glimpse at how my lifelong mental health problems have informed my relationship with my own family. I...really don't like to talk about this topic, including in therapy, I think for Cultural Reasons, but because I understand Mikel's life so vividly, part of that is the family part. However--without giving away the ending, Dangerous I started coming up with in like, idk early 2022? And we were well into 2022 when I came up with the ending. The message of this fic, which could be perverse to some I guess, is "fucked up people deserve love too!" Obviously I'm not fucked up like Xhakarteta are in this but...what a lovely change of message ❤️

And then dumb kids in their forties...I didn't intend for the fic to be like this, but really, Jamie's thought process in this kind of depicts me in my absolute worst moments. Again, a bit exaggerated and what not, but like I was talking about the other day, the toxic inferiority. Idk if that's even a real concept, but I don't see it depicted to this intensity, and my own inferiority issues have done a shit-ton of damage in my adult life. It's something I work on a lot, and it felt self indulgent in a fun way to put Jamie through that.

There's a little bit of me in "Visited Upon the Sons" too--mostly, my frustration with compulsory heterosexuality and how it dominates conversations no matter where you go. But weirdly, writing that and discovering this through the fic, made me feel less frustrated about it in real life. Writing as Therapy!

Wow that was absolutely too long, I truly cannot shut the fuck up lol.

K:  Do you have a guilty pleasures in fic (reading or writing)?

Lately I've been enjoying reading and writing a little Wag Fic 🫢 it feels so taboo! I also like things that are kind of gratuitously exploitative, but with a caveat: it needs to be a little tongue in cheek, like I can tell the author is making a conscious choice. (I think Dangerous is kind of like that, or at least I hope so lol)

R: Which writers (fanfic or otherwise) do you consider the biggest influence on you and your writing?

Julio Cortázar, and to a lesser extent Carlos Fuentes and Gabriel García Márquez. Yesss my academic specialty was latin american boom and postboom lol. 11/10 recommend! For fic writers, legit you all are so good I'd rather attempt copying these big name authors than to even try to be like you!

#anonymous #answered #fic saga

[prettyboykatsuki]

i’m so over this new era of newgen watchers of rlly anything if i’m being honest. i’m gonna sound gatekeepy and annoying but i’m willing to put up with it if it means i get to rant about this to someone who might understand. i just idk maybe it’s just me but i feel like back then interacting with media wasn’t this popular? not just anime but shows in general i’ll go as far as to say book and movies also? like before covid i know lots of people who would tell me they didn’t watch tv n i feel like after it specially with the rise of tik tok these new watchers don’t know how to interact with said media?? n demonize any kind of movie or show that isn’t ideologically pure?? like idk i just see people n maybe it’s cause i’m on tik tok a lot so maybe it’s on me but i just feel like they don’t know how to watch stuff if it makes sense?? n get fake morally outraged at anything n anyone💀💀 i feel like they never learned how to take the characters out of the context of a story n enjoy them as separate entities?? idk like watching media has become this pseudo intellectual experience where these creators pat themsleves on the back for saying a bunch of words that mean nothing rlly as long as they sound smart. n it’s pissing me off. of course i think there should always be some kind of discourse revolving the stories we are watching but idk💀💀 ik it’s not important what a bunch of teens think of a show i watch but also i’ve seen the power of tik tok n it can be a lil scary thinking about the way they can just influence public opinion if making a tik tok about colleen hoover got z library taken down n the guys who made the site sent the prision

HELLO ANON YOU SENT THIS MANY DAYS AGO AND I REALLY WANTED TO GET TO IT WHEN I HAD A BIT OF FREE TIME AND THAT TIME IS NOW

so the tldr for this is that i agree. like. i don't really think this opinion is gatekeepy at all and i think its one of those things that on the surface seems unimportant but it speaks to how society is function (or in this instance... not function)

there's like. a lot of layers to this particular issue that i think would be very difficult to dissect meaningfully on here but i will try my best to try and explain my viewpoint of what it is. i actually talked about it on my sideblog the other day and i think we're sort of harping on the same point

we're always talking about media literacy on this app and how it's important and a lot of the time - i get feedback from people saying it isn't that deep. sometimes i'm inclined to agree, but i think more and more i'm coming to terms with how people are becoming increasingly... dependent? on escapism and fiction to give them moral guidance and substantiate their own goodness.

it happens especially in teens, especially younger teens but i think young adults aren't exempt from this either.

and the reason i think this is happening is because because of late stage capitalism and the increasingly predatory attempts to market off of fandom culture through sanitization.

this obsession with ideological purity and the lack of empathy towards real human beings is basically one long response to that collective state of exhaustion. 2020 was a year that showed companies how profitable fandom could be and in attempts to increase that profit - there was action taken both in the production and marketability causing the actual processing of content to become extremely evangelical and morally pure.

late stage capitalism has also created a sense of isolation. in karl marx theory of alienation - he details this phenomenon better than i ever could. but the basic concept is that the larger the gap becomes between the proletariat and their labor, the more people will lose touch with their humanity. and in that their sense of self. we're effectively seeing that happen in real time, and it's explanation for all the invasions of privacy, casual bullying, and generally lacking sense of self that people experience.

when you take extremely sanitized media and people estranged from a clear identity - you create a breed of people who are aimlessly seeking to become part of something in order to reconnect. no matter how negative or dangerous (which is also why we've seen a major increase in violent and cult like reform / fringe movements). when production of that media is so fast and so easily available, you get people who are mindlessly consuming things and creating these incredibly pseudo-intellectual and nonsensical debates in order to feel connected to that false identity.

i don't think it's gatekeepy to point out that this is happening. this obsession with creating fake moral panic about problematic and entirely fictious media is doing almost exactly what it's supposed - which is taking away real and legitimate critique of the world around us by ensuring and reinforcing that ideological purity and goodness can be bought in sold much in the same way we buy a can of coke off the shelf.

if you watch the right movies, and read the right books and watch the right shows you can be good without any effort. that's what people are often convincing themselves of. because its both messy and exhausting to confront that goodness within a human being is deeply complex and easier to uphold these weird and impossible beliefs.

#return to sender #x reader meta #we do be doomed #i hope this made sense anon!!! #and i hope u see this </3

[crawledthru500]

Perfect Sense (2011)

dir. David Macekzie

Star rating: 4/5

spoilers under the cut

OH MEIN GOTT this was so good. this really passed my expectations!!! not the biggest fan of romance stories, but i think movies like this are making me change that opinion.

the movie's concept is something i have never ever even THOUGHT of -- a sickness that removes any and all senses, one by one. and yet the movie perfectly replicates something we have all experienced: the covid pandemic. i'm surprised i havent heard of this movie before with how similar (scarily similar) the situations are. i really don't have any complaints about how they handled the virus in this, unlike a LOT of other films that cover the same subject matter.

i think the romance between Susan and Michael is very cute and pretty realistic to couples that went through covid together (not speaking from experience so i might be wrong lol) the scene where they're bathing together and they eat SOAP is TOO CUTE for the fact they just ate soap. i too would eat soap if i couldn't taste anything

i very much like the way they handled slowly losing senses. the ringing before total utter silence. the last 20 or so minutes are almost completely silent - only broken up by ambience and the narrator. it's haunting, in a way. especially as someone that fears one day losing his hearing.

the writing can be a bit cheesy or over dramatic, but theres one line that really sticks with me. it was when the virus made people those their sense of smell -- “The greater loss are all the memories that are no longer triggered.” -- such a genuinely great line.

the cinematography isn't all that special, but some shots are very pretty!! this one in particular is STUNNING:

it is so, so good. i can't stop looking at it.

the ending was very good, although i wish they touched (pun intended) more on the loss of sight. if this had a little more run time, i'm sure they would have got to it. they also never talked about touch? which is a sense? i think the scenes where people are touching everything they can, just to FEEL something, is supposed to be like "all the virus allows them to have is touch." just wish they made it a bit more obvious, maybe a narration? idk

although i have some complaints, they're pretty minor. this was a really really good watch !!!

random movie series | random movie website

#used a different website for this one!! #shoutout tvtropes #random movie series #perfect sense #4/5 stars #sci-fi #science fiction #romance #drama #filmblr #movieblr #movie blog #films #letterbox #movies #movie review

[meggannn]

2022

I didn't read a lot of books, or write a lot of fic, or even watch a lot of TV, but I did play a lot of video games!

my real life is a bit of a controlled mess right now, this year I had a medical procedure and a minor breakdown and moved suddenly because covid malfeasance in the city terrified me and I think I need to be with family right now after we've had several family deaths over the years. one day I'd like to move back there but only when I can afford to live alone, which is definitely not in the cards any time soon with how the rental market is looking.

I am proud that I started posting and finished Tides, Receding this year. because I started writing it... three years ago? oh god I just looked it up and it was Feb 2020 that I made the post that ended up spawning the fic. and I told myself 2022 was the year I'd get it done, it's been sitting in my lap too long, and I did it. (party horn noise)

anyway my 2022 game list is under the cut, check it out for recs or whatever. this does not include the games i replayed, which included HZD, DAI, and FE3H, but lbr I'm always replaying those games in my heart

Puzzle games:

The Last Campfire (4/5): Play as a little... thing...? lost from its companions trying to find its way home. Some of the puzzles were a little too simple but this was a short and sweet game.

TOEM (5/5): Play as a tourist taking photos around various places and cities. perfect little photography game with cute side objectives and diverse landscapes.

Inscryption: I ended up abandoning this one during Part 2 because it just didn't hook me and I was hanging on by a thread with the creepiness as it was, but Part 1 was a lot of fun and I'd recommend it for anyone who's a fan of card games, escape rooms, horror, or Yugioh.

Unpacking (4.5/5): Unpack the protagonist's life across various moves. I loved this, my only criticism is that it was too short; I'd love more levels.

Into the Breach (4.5/5): Play as groups of time travelers trying to stop aliens from taking over several war-torn archipelagos in a turn-based combat system. the actual game (till the end credits) is great, the combat system is clear and intuitive. the story is pretty short, but progress carries over at the end cause time-travel. I could've gotten more mileage out of this one, but ultimately burned out cause I wanted to do more than just play the same levels all over again with different units.

FRAMED collection (3.5/5): I guess? for a cool concept—adjust comic panels and strips to help the characters progress through levels—it was a bit forgettable. still, nice for a few hours and probably cool for big comic fans.

Please Touch the Artwork (3/5): An abstract game that combines puzzles with modern art. Oof. I had to give some stars for effort cause I felt like the concept was cool, but I just couldn't get into this one. someone who enjoys both might like it?

Elli (3.5/5): Play as a guardian in a 3D platformer, search for gems and coins, try not to get swallowed by the time rifts. I remember really enjoying this this fall, but now that I'm writing this wrap-up, I barely remember playing it. I liked the puzzles a lot but I think it went on a little long.

Turnip Boy Commits Tax Evasion (4.5/5): You're a turnip. You rip up taxes in a sentient veggie world. need I say more.

Later Alligator (3.5/5): Play as an Alligator in Alligator New York City and do puzzles and solve crimes. it's adorable, it is, but I wish it was a little more forgiving; if you fuck up a puzzle, you lose so much time in an already limited day cycle.

Rain on Your Parade (4/5): Play as a cloud. Rain on people's parades, wedding days, office parties, whatever. Snow, thunder, acidic goo, you name it. go goblin mode. probably ideal for kids.

Moncage (3.5/5): solve environmental puzzles within a six-sided cube matching elements up across different sides of the cube to affect the scene. very similar to Goragoa, for the three other people who've played that game. short, beautiful, zen game, but man was it hard sometimes or I’m just an idiot. thank goodness for the hint system

Narrative games:

Heaven's Vault (3.5/5): You play as a young woman charged with tracking down a missing archaeologist across the galaxy with a robot companion. Really cool mechanic in this one where you decipher an ancient language as the main gameplay. RPG style choices set across make me want to rate it higher than I have, but some clunkiness (like not being able to revisit sites once you've left) knock it down. Someone once called this made by people who "want to bring archaeology to games but don't known how to make a game" which I agree with.

Tacoma (5/5): You explore an abandoned corporate space station trying to figure out what happened. Honestly, no notes. Interesting narrative, easy mechanics, great writing, doesn't overstep or overstay its bounds.

When the Past Was Around (3.5/5): got stuck on a couple dumb things that the game wouldn't let me interact with, and some other things were really not that intuitive, but other than that I thought this was short and serviceable, good for an afternoon with a sad story.

Wytchwood (4/5): Play as a witch who's charged with collecting twelve souls to deliver to a talking goat in a fairy-tale world. not really a narrative game but it's not puzzle or an RPG, so here it goes. anyway I had a lot of fun with this game. some of the backtracking was annoying and I wish the resource management was a little easier to, well, manage, but overall I enjoyed it.

Forgotten Fields (3/5): Play as a young author traveling home as his family decides whether to sell their home. Honestly a bit let down by this, there were some clunky mechanics I couldn't get over but it had interesting topics about moving on and finding artistic inspiration.

Adios (4/5): A pig farmer decides to quit his job disposing bodies for the mafia. Great voice work in this one, I enjoyed it; even though you know how it's going to end, they still managed to make it suspenseful.

RPGs/Open-world:

Horizon Forbidden West (3.5/5): I think I've already expressed my thoughts on this one this year but overall: great open-world game, mechanically and visually impressive; just OK story, unless you were a big fan of the first game, in which case the story was a big letdown.

Sable (4.5/5): Play as a young girl on her rite of passage as she travels a harsh world called Midden. hard for me to rate any open-world game as perfect because eventually some parts of it somewhere feel like padding, but despite some technical hiccups, Sable is the peak for me. non-combat, vibes-only, beautiful graphics, incredible soundtrack, easy recommend.

Control (3.5/5): Play as Jesse Faden, who arrives at the Federal Bureau of Control looking for her brother after his disappearance several years ago. this never wow'd me the way it was clearly trying to but I did enjoy it, whenever I could get over my fear of anything that moved. gameplay itself was great and i loved the oldest house as a setting. probably fans of the supernatural/horror genre could appreciate it better.

Citizen Sleeper (4/5): play as a cyborg who arrives on a space station and tries to make their way in the corporate underworld. a bit like Disco Elysium meets Murderbot Diaries. there's no combat, so I'd recommend this to fans of the RPG genre.

Paradise Killer (4.5/5): Play as Lady Love Dies in an island out of time, full of gods and demons and human sacrifices tired of being human sacrifices. Someone has been murdered in Paradise and you have to find out who did it. I had SO much fun with this one and the soundtrack is admittedly a huge reason why. (I'm serious listen to Ego 24-7 and tell me it doesn't get you pumped.)

Persona 5 Royal (4.5/5): the Phantom Thieves steal the hearts of corrupt people throughout Tokyo with their inner Pokemon-like demons and man this concept is cool, the soundtrack is killer, the only thing that fucking sucks is the unapologetic sexism that is unavoidable and irritating AF. (am I a little bitter I paid full price for this only a week before it went on sale for half off, yes. but I got a lot of mileage out of this that week during which when I was preparing for a medical procedure, so.)

God of War (4.5/5): Kratos and Boy travel to the highest peak in the realms to spread his wife's ashes. honestly? it's best enjoyed as a guy who enjoys puzzling going on a long walk with his son. as an action game it's meh.

Marvel's Spider-Man Remastered (5/5): I am PETER PARKER and I can throw MANHOLE COVERS at people while insulting their OUTFITS it is hard to top that

still playing:

Phoenotopia Awakening: A young woman named Gale sets on a journey to rescue the adults in her village after they are all mysteriously kidnapped. I haven't finished this one yet cause I hit a wall but ugh I just want to recommend it somewhere. there is so much love in the little details in this game, so many characters and puzzles and enemy types and history, you can tell so much heart went into this that I'm disappointed it won't get a sequel. my biggest criticism for it is that it is HARD, unnecessarily so at times, and there are no difficulty settings which sucks. but it might be good for Zelda fans or people who are good at 2D platforming, which I am not.

Eastward: Sam and John live in an underground town where travel to the surface is forbidden, until a mysterious event triggers Sam's magical powers and the mayor banishes them... eastward. I want to like this more than I am, the post-apocalyptic concept is very in-line with what I like, but jesus this writing feels like it never saw an editor. it just drags. I don't know how many times I can button-mash past Sam saying "Come on, John!" the game is beautiful, the designers and animators really earned their paychecks, but IDK the jury's still out.

#video games

[calliethetrekkie]

Star Trek TOS S01E06: The Naked Time

Original Thoughts

"[The episode], while it kinda made me uncomfortable cause it gave me pandemic vibes, DID get my attention with the concept of essentially losing your self-control was interesting. Spock’s private breakdown especially hit me since despite not watching it, I knew about his general personality and his half-human, half-Vulcan nature. It was performed very well by Leonard Nimoy and seeing him try to keep up the logical Vulcan demeanor and failing was really well done. "

(Original Post)

Rewatch Thoughts

I completely forgot that I'd written that post... wish I'd remembered when I wrote the last review... ah well!

Speaking of that last review, as I said, it's kind of funny how it worked out regarding the past three episodes. In The Enemy Within, we focus on Kirk as a bad thing happens to him, and we see if we can care about him. In The Man Trap, we focus on McCoy as bad things happen, and we see if we can care about him. I don't believe it was in any way intentional, but that's how it comes across to me. So that's two down, let's see if this will apply to Spock!

Despite my words above about being uncomfortable the first go round (I watched it in January 2021, so COVID was VERY much still happening), this was the episode that honestly convinced me that TOS was worth investing in. At that point I'd seen The Man Trap, Charlie X, and Where No Man Had Gone Before. None of which impressed me. This one finally did the job. I was actually kind of mad cause had I forced myself to get to this episode as a teen, I probably wouldn't have quit just 2-3 episodes in. This was the kind of crazy, exciting, and surprisingly insightful story that I had been waiting on, and it came just in the nick of time.

The concept of the episode is one that I think about a lot. Contracting a disease that completely removes your inhibitions. It can cause you to be taken over by your fears, your pride, your lust, just about anything. There are a lot of darker routes that the episode thankfully didn't go down, but it's still terrifying to think about. Sure, some of it is silly. Shirtless Sulu running around with a fencing sword and acting like a swashbuckler? By far the most fun scene in the entire episode. You could tell that George Takei was having fun XD The science officer at the start being overcome by fear and nearly killing himself, then dying on the operating table when he should be alive? That is utterly horrifying.

Things get chaotic quick. We actually get some excellent moments from both our three leads (okay two leads, but I can count McCoy at this point if I want to!) and the supporting cast. I believe that this is Chapel's first major appearance, as a matter of fact. We have Sulu with the fencing, of course. We have Uhura's response to being called a fair maiden. We have Scotty in full miracle worker mode, seriously that man doesn't get paid enough I swear. McCoy doesn't have as much that I can touch on as I will for Kirk and Spock, but the man managed to make a cure in a matter of hours while his staff were losing it, which essentially means he was doing everything himself for a good chunk of it. It's a good thing that he avoided getting infected, cause otherwise the Enterprise would have been royally screwed. Even the minor characters like Reilly, who will actually pop up again later, are pretty fun with his hijacking of the engines. It may have driven the bridge crew crazy, but it was fun for me~!

But speaking of Kirk and Spock...

You know one plus side to an episode focused on characters losing their inhibitions? It means that we, as the viewer, get to see the very rare vulnerable sides to characters that normally remain in check. We saw a bit from Kirk already in The Enemy Within, but we see here how frustrated and pressuring he can be. He's forcing Scotty to essentially pull off the impossible. There's a point where he snaps at Uhura, though he does apologize. He outright slaps Spock around to snap him out of his diseased state. Then when he gets himself infected, he mutters on about his devotion to the ship and how he can never have love because of it. He keeps it together long enough to let McCoy cure him, but it still says a lot. He's a man who is so devoted to his captaincy and the Enterprise that he feels that he can never love anyone else. He has a thing for Rand, but it can never be more than that. He has several relationships that we'll see that failed because in the end, his first love is the Enterprise. It's pretty sad when you think about it and how aside from McCoy and to an extent Spock, he can never allow it to show.

Then we come to Spock. Oh Dear Lord Spock. You know how he said in The Enemy Within that he's able to deal with his conflicting Vulcan and Human sides because he has the intelligence to do so? Yeah... he's not as capable as he'd like to think.

We've gotten to know Spock now. He's intelligent, logical, and very much efficient at his job as both Science Officer and First Officer. He's also incredibly blunt, rude, and as he especially made clear in Mudd's Women, finds humans and their emotions a pain to deal with. He has his reasons for being like this, and as this episode demonstrates, he has a LOT that he keeps suppressed.

When he gets infected due to Chapel's love confession (which apparently SNW explores more of this, but I haven't seen it yet so I can't comment), Spock slowly starts to break down. He gets into a conference room, repeating to himself that he is in control of his emotions, what his duty is, and even try to do math problems before he can't stop sobbing anymore. I think I read that Leonard Nimoy had to do this in one take, and if that's true... holy crap, now THAT is excellent acting! This is a scene of a man losing his control and breaking, something that I don't think that Spock has been able to do in a very long time and in this instance, he was forced into doing it.

This is a turning point for Spock's character, I think. We remember scenes like Mudd saying that Vulcans can't feel anything in Mudd's Women, a sentiment that Spock has repeated. We have him in The Enemy Within advising Kirk to keep the split secret from the ship to not cause unrest and, as I said, insisting that he can maintain his own two sides via his intellect. Now we see here that despite his cold, stoic demeanor, Spock does have emotions. Ones that he has bottled up due to his upbringing and the racist treatment that he'd received. He tries to act fully Vulcan, and that means expelling any human emotion. But he's still half human, and humans just can't bury their emotions away forever. Trust me, I've tried.

In that one instance, he can't contain it. He has guilt about never telling his mom that he loved her and likely also never being able to be Human enough for her, at least in his mind. He feels shame for the comradery he feels towards Kirk, by far the closest thing to a friend he has at this point. We saw just last episode how when it looked like Jim was going to be killed, he acted very emotionally and recklessly to try and save him. Which considering how Uhura pointed out to him earlier about his friendship with Jim and his coldness, it says a lot. He only calms down after getting it out of his system and hitting Jim hard enough to bust his lip. We never see him get hypo'd with the cure, so I assume that either McCoy or some other medical officer gave it to him off-screen. But if he hadn't been by the time he and Scotty are in the Engine Room, that means that he only pulled himself together long enough when Jim began to spiral for a plan that he thought was outright impossible.

I guess the short version of this is that this is the first time when we see that Spock has deeper layers than what he portrays. We'll learn more about why he's like this, but for now this is when Spock became a more three-dimensional character. This is where we truly see him struggle with his emotions and the shame that he's buried so deep down. Such shame that when he can't maintain control, all that he can do is cry. As someone who has also felt the need to suppress their feelings and feeling that kind of shame, I have a LOT of empathy for Spock. If this episode was indeed meant to get me to feel for him, it succeeded.

Anything else I need to touch on? There's the whole plot about a planet breaking up or something that causes weird time shenanigans at the very end. I... I'm just gonna leave it at that. We see the virus re-emerge in TNG... and imo to FAR less success, but I'll go into that whenever I reach TNG on this blog. Heaven knows that's not happening anytime soon. We have Chapel's first major role and her crush on Spock will pop up again later, which... meh, I don't have strong feelings about. Maybe because I'm too invested in shipping Spock with McCoy, but I guess when I hit SNW I'll see how things went prior to how they are here.

I think that's about it. Coming out of this rewatch, I enjoyed it as much as I did the first time! It's fun, it's wild, it's got some great character insight moments, it's a really solid episode. Like I said, had I made it to this one years ago I very well may have stuck with TOS and been invested much sooner. But hey, I guess better late than never. It's nice when I go through episodes I didn't care for and grow a new love for them (The Corbomite Maneuver, The Man Trap), but it's also good to just watch an episode I already liked and get to enjoy it all over again. That's all you need sometimes~

Original Rating: 4/5

Rewatch Rating: 8/10

[My TOS Reviews]

[TOS S1 Reviews]

[Previous Review] / [Next Review]

#star trek #star trek tos #st reviews #the naked time #tos s1 reviews #tos s1 #tos reviews

[avrilsboy]

i'm glad i have like, a pretty okay relationship with my body and physical appearance because if i didn't i genuinely think my ex would have driven me to a fucking eating disorder with how often he tied my size to his pleasure. asking me to tell him my measurements during sex, asking me if i can get smaller in the waist, always saying he wanted to fuck me when he saw me doing yoga in the mornings because of how my ass looked in yoga pants. and maybe he thought it was fine because i was comfortable with my appearance, except that's not true. when i was dealing with eating issues for a year post-covid infection i told him how much his comments about my body upset me -- that i didn't want him to sexualize how small i was getting, that it made me uncomfortable because i didn't want to be losing weight, it wasn't on purpose, i was sick and miserable -- he said he didn't mean it, it was something stupid he just said during sex, it wasn't for real. only to keep making those comments during sex for the next two years anyway. raw measurements got him off; raw measurements are my form of body-checking. me telling him yes i'd shrink my waist for him got him off, not because it gave me any pleasure but because we wouldn't have to have an argument about it if i just went along with it. but it wasn't for real. it was only sex. it was just words that happened when we had sex. and he always wanted sex because i never did; he thought it was because i didn't find him attractive, when it was really just that it became something emotionally exhausting. the things that gave him pleasure made me feel like shit.

and it really wrecked him when he thought i wasn't interested in sex because i didn't find him attractive. he was always someone hyperfocused on his own appearance, which we always chalked up to his social anxiety. his persistent feelings that people found him ugly, were always talking behind his back or making snide comments. taking forever in the bathroom to preen his face multiple times a day even though he wasn't leaving the apartment. complaining about his weight gain, that little extra layer of fat in his stomach that was negligible, his own disgust that he was no longer the size 32 he was at twenty-three, oh how awful that he's a size 34 ten years later. maybe he pawned some of that anxiety off on me because i was more self-assured. he would simultaneously be baffled at my ability to throw on clothes in a minute and walk out the door for an errand, and use it to his advantage because i would get things done faster than him. i wasn't spending upwards of an hour in the bathroom preparing to get a half gal of milk from across the street. i'd call it jealousy if it wasn't just an extension of his control issues. he made it angrily known that he thought my leg hair was revolting, as if it were a punishment; his penchant for hyper-grooming himself was diametrically opposed to my laissez-faire attitude that both allowed me to do our errands quicker alone than together or on his own, and somehow didn't weigh heavy or at all on my personal perception or make me self-conscious. (meanwhile, i am self-conscious about my unshaven legs, still; it's something i do to battle my own conceptions of femininity, beauty, the social pressure laden on me since i was nine years old for no functional reason. it's partially because i can, and partially to explore what i want for myself versus what i do to adhere to arbitrary societal expectations. i'm just at least willing to look my self-consciousness in the eye.) maybe it was a little too "queer" for him -- after all, all of these issues only built up after i told him i was bisexual in 2019. in words he said it was fine, but in action he was severely insecure about this development. he hated that i knew that a certain bar a couple blocks down from us was a lesbian bar, even though i had never been there, even though the area we lived in was branded "dyke slope" before the baby strollers took over. he didn't like that i talked about gender or feminist issues even though it was one of my main focuses as a sociology minor in college. it ended in the ruin of one of the closest and most rewarding friendships in my life. it wouldn't have happened if i was straight. he didn't start taking such issue with me, didn't start focusing so much on the exact proportions of my body that he couldn't touch unless it would lead to sex, until i told him i wasn't straight. maybe it came in quieter shades when we were younger. it feels loud to me now.

in the end, i had said multiple times that it seemed he preferred who i was when he first knew me -- 18 years old, straight, small, falling over myself to appease other people, appeasing him five years my senior, smaller. he denied this in words but never seemed to get to a point of actually respecting who i had become by 28. it always felt like a battle when i felt myself changing because he was someone who was only sometimes in my corner. he was forever unchanging; he won't admit it, but he wanted me to be forever unchanging, too, or at least only changing in ways that still fell comfortably within the lines of his person. for the ease of never having to reconsider those lines or redraw them in order to invite change to his own life. i don't know. i'm a thousand miles away from the outline of his body now. the outline of his body that he doesn't even fucking like. fuck him.

#tw for weight and body image talk. and sex talk. and general shitty ex boyfriend talk. #me reading back my own post: wow this guy sounds like the fucking worst. and also: wow misogyny is real. who would've guessed. #this is the one time my intense self and situational awareness is coming in clutch for me. #🛹

[formulinos]

hello. i actually have something serious to talk this time.

as some of you might know, i’ve been working on a piece i call “the elusive hyperfixation corner” as a sort of working title - i don’t really want to discuss what it is about until i post it. i started researching and developing the concept back in may 2021, which means that in 2 months time i’ll complete two years working on it.

logically, i didn’t devote myself full time to it: i’ve moved to france in the meantime and studying/working here demands way more time than back at home. i’ve also had several health struggles i’ve talked about before (special shout out to covid last year, didn’t kill me but surely made me wish i was dead!) and family issues that i had to navigate while being in a whole different hemisphere. all of that means i didn’t have a lot of time available for starters, and occasionally i had other ideas that were more viable to work on because they didn’t demand as much time. take the last HC for example, i read capitalist realism in roughly a week while taking notes and then completed the whole thing in three days. anyway.

this doesn’t mean, however, that i’ve set it completely aside. on the contrary, i frequently went back on the notes and time actually gave me perspective on what was missing, and this is the point i wanted to get at: i felt my amount of source material was pretty scarce. mind you, when i first started writing it properly, i had already done a chunk of work i’d say is similar to the 1982 championship series (if any of the guys who i did talk about it in detail want to correct me on this, feel free to!). but i constantly remembered other places i could go and books i needed to fetch to find maybe a bit or a piece that could fit into the text.

it got to the point where i needed to stop myself because it’s akin to self-harm, truly. it doesn’t feel good, i got paranoid thinking there is stuff missing and i lose out on days that i could be working on writing because i’m reading or watching stuff that will translate in barely a line of the final product. the result is that i got over 18k words just in notes plus two parts out of five theoretically written, but i’m not satisfied at all with them, so i’ve decided i’ll rewrite what feels wrong. i haven’t stopped checking content entirely since there are some videos i need to go through so that i can gif stuff, etc. but this is legit where i’m halting this part of the process. i hope you can forgive me if it still feels like i wasn’t in depth enough.

i wanted to have posted this so, so much before. there was a specific date that really crushed me not having anything to deliver to you - you’ll understand when i post it. ideally, i’ll be able to turn it in before the summer break, but this might as well go all the way to december since i’ll have to wrap up my interniship and move back home in july/august and my whole month of may is pretty full too (i’m taking a girls trip for monaco e-prix, then my family will come to france and i’m thinking about surprising them w a short stay in london, and i’ll go to berlin at the end of the month. oh! and arctic monkeys concert somewhere in between).

i feel like george r r martin talking about the winds of winter here, but i do think it’s important to give the three of you that care a small update on how things are going. please wish me luck! i promise i’m working hard and hopefully the result will please you. cheers and forza ferrari.

#long post #hyperfixation corner

[bandofchimeras]

the muteness of the beast

PDA - pathological demand avoidance/AuADHD self disclosure rant related to Mel Baggs' self advocacy https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JnylM1hI2jc

with long covid, autoimmune shit, repeated traumatic experiences, and autistic burnout....i'm at this point where masking is hardly accessible. its the most i can do to barely keep on top of "boring adult stuff" and texting back a few days later. picking up my phone and making words hurts my brain. i don't know how to tell my friends this without losing them again. i know my friends' interests, but not enough energy to gift them things or bond. occasionally i send a meme that reminds me of them. its all very surface. i don't really have any interests of my own, well i do but nothing i can say i know much about, or things i do. i haven't joined a class or stuck to a hobby in years. i don't understand how people deep dive into things, my brain won't let me hyperfixate on anything besides my own fears or other people/living beings, or a singular thing I like at the time ( like a jazz song, but not jazz as a genre or playing jazz).

reading about PDA was the first time i've felt my experience with this superficial social connection was accurately described. PDA kids can be observed pretending to play on a playground, masking that they are part of the game while not understanding.

i'm not doing this masking because i'm a narcissist who thinks i'm better than everyone, its that i truly do no understand the mechanics of how most people bond and have friendships. what comes naturally to some feels foreign to me. i don't know what the bonds are made of. if i wanted to bond with others we would touch eachother, touch things around us, listen to the world together, bite, pounce, and wrestle. we would squawk and make up our own language together and look at pretty objects together. we would not talk about our jobs or hobbies.

the best i can do is pretend and as a consequence a fair amount of people like me, but i don't feel like we really connect, like its real. in fact, nothing feels real and it hasn't most of my life.

i live in a kind of permanent dissociation, and touching down into reality is excruciatingly emotionally painful. the only way i can cope is by having my adrenaline triggered, or playacting, or throwing a fit so i can discharge enough of that pain to follow directions. or by being so in my body with pleasure and joy, i can only smile and wriggle and flop like an idiot. dancing also helps, but only if its emotionally expressive. i've yet to meet another person with the same level of avoidance to their knowledge and interests aside from other hopelessly lost adults on PDA forums, and my own brother who has similar difficulties.

most people have a few things they love to do or are interested in that don't change, that they come back to time and again, and build on with discipline. without that i don't know how to build my self esteem, so its extremely low. i don't want others to boost it with words, as that feels fake. i would like to find a way to create my own, but struggle with many basic skills like transitioning between tasks, social understanding, staying with a routine, staying present, reading comprehension. i assume some of this is trauma-related and will improve with therapy but some of it is inarguably part of my personality. honestly, i want and need to be trained like a horse, or a bear, with lots of treats and love. i have to be kept, but still respected as a dangerous thing. (the movie Nope really jiggled my jimmies on this concept). i like the concepts of many things but can't engage beyond that lovely feeling of infatuation with a concept, or a possibility, or if i do, none of it "sticks" to my memory recall. i like the emotional 'tone' of things, their atmosphere and the emotional impression they leave on me, and their specific characteristics feel elusive to remember. for instance, if i love a movie, the actors and actresses don't stick in mind, or the composer for the soundtrack. i just love that movie a LOT and want to stay in its experience. same with songs. from what i understand, this is a very childlike manner to navigate the world. aka underdeveloped.

i can feel a tree's presence and communicate with her, and feel patterns in rocks and surfaces. i am less like a human than a finely tuned seismograph of surrounding energy, a barometer. again this could be trauma, but i've always felt like a vessel or an instrument, something to be filled or played, yet only for very specific usage. i behave terribly for people who do not know how to read or play me, like a violin being attacked by a toddler.

so yes, i am fussy and picky and difficult but can't help and imagine, played well, i would make beautiful music, its a matter of meeting someone who can learn me, who i can trust to handle me with care and appreciate my tones. i am trying to learn how to play myself but i don't think that's how it works, i need to be part of a community and have a role, be set free to do whatever this mysterious thing i am shaped for is, or else i feel scary, useless, evil, abominable, like an alien technology dropped into a backwards society that fears and abuses it, or leaves it to rust in a field. i don't enjoy any learning that gets routed through my conscious mind, it is painful and scary, all i can think about is how much i do not know, how all the words feel like knives carving strange symbols into my forehead, like viruses, intruders into my quiet singsong mental processes. when i do things or remember things, its through an unconscious process of my body remembering them, its emotional.

i do not know the names of stones, or plants, or birds, or how strawberries grow or how geology works, or how the body works, though I'd like to. i don't sew or design or make art consistently or read anymore, or write, or bake, or sing or dance except when in the spur of the moment i feel emotional weight towards doing so.

it can't be fear of commitment, because I'd really love to be committed to something, some fandom or book or even my own creative process. i want to connect. but something in me always stops. its happened so many times i am legitimately suicidal, and exhausted.

i don't think i will ever be able to live the kind of life i want to live, my actions are emotional and impulsive, and to act against them requires almost complete dissociation. it is a little easier to do things on ADHD meds but then my body is filled with anxiety and i don't enjoy food or sex or colors or anything that makes me me. anything that feels real and enjoyable exists in a silent, energetic plane - why psychedelics are so pleasurable, they bring me deeper into that place of Experiencing.

i can get things done sometimes if i am completely allowed to do it how i want - make breakfast naked playing music, dancing at sporadic occasions, putting my face close to the food to smell and taste it. as i grow older i have less and less control over my body - dyspraxia - in situations that aren't inherently motivating. i think this is because fear-based motivation has exhausted my physical body to a point of permanent burnout. its like selective mutism, which really isn't selective so much as situational. my body takes back control, it says you will not speak, or you will not act, now.

i can, or used to be able to, experience incredible sensual sensory details. i can experience unadulterated, distilled joy from the smallest things.

sharing this joy through art, however, is a minefield of processes that stop before they start.

i wish i could just touch people and they could experience the beauty and joy and emotion i sense in the world.

i wish i was not trapped in myself by whatever this monster is that keeps me from coming out and completing tasks, from teamwork and cooperation and humanity itself. i wish i could find someone to grok and understand life together, who did not see me as a project to improve or an insult to their desire to be known and loved.

i wish i could be an amoeba, or a fern, or something that simply feels and grows. it is so painful to be a human being, i don't understand cruelty and mind games, but i do understand blind rage, animal instinct, avoidance, fear, i understand how to lock on to a target and never let it go, i understand how to pounce and bite and growl and fuck and the raw, terrifying power in my body and yours.

i don't know if i am less than human, or more animal, but i do know that when a therapist says to be yourself it does not make sense because my self is a lunging, deadly, lawless animal that feeds and fucks and fights without forethought, and it is that animal that has been caged, prodded, neglected, and starved while my mind grew out of bounds like a cancer. you see i think most people's minds and bodies connect, somehow, they control their body by thinking and they do things that they are told, or that are good for them, by willpower. there's a malfunction in mine, the mind is a mask, a parasite, an AI parroting back what others say. its not connected o my real self except in rare, divine occasions where the monkey mind experiences a stronger force that goes SHUT UP and a poem or a drawing come out of me. my ego and conscious mind have little ability to control the languid beast that is my body, and resort often to manipulate, or interceding with other people to manipulate it for us. see, there is that split, that lack of identification.

i've made a conscious choice not to date anyone for awhile because i can't handle the guilt of not remembering their birthday, special occasions, their favorite color, and so on unless i develop an unhealthy dependent obsession with them that is kind of scary. like an eldritch beast dragging a dead deer out of the forest to lay on the lap of their terrified human they've decided to love.

otherwise the knowledge will not click.. i know that they will not feel loved or cared for no matter how my heart wants to love and care for them, to do so will require a fixation that, if not reciprocated, drains me of every ounce of willpower i need for basic survival.

i don't think i am alone in feeling this way, but being on social media feels very lonely because it is so much engagement with our minds, words, favorite media....it overwhelms me. think having said all this, it is my desire to belong to the pack that causes so much mental anguish. i am scared to love any craft, hobby, fandom with the full force of my emotional body because i have been so often judged for being over enthusiastic while having little depth of understanding. no matter what i will likely feel silly, and alone. to summarize this self-narrative, i feel like a non-human. I feel like an overexcitable, clumsy beast being ridden by an anxious little mosquito like Remy from Ratatouille, who constantly chatters trying to distract travelers on their path from the hulking reality of the Beast. very clever yet they always spot him and scream and shout and run away or he gets mad and they sense he is a great Threat and a danger and an evil they must drive from their town.

of course when people see me they see a normal dude for the most part and this makes it even odder because i feel expected to perform Normal Guyhood and simply Do Not Want to so severely my instinct is to run and Hide

#mel baggs #autism #adhd #pda autism

[squidhominid]

Mocap suit newsletter, 4/30/2022

Hey!

In lieu of proper streaming content, I thought I'd share a project I'm working on: a DIY motion capture / face capture rig.

So. As you all most likely know, I’ve always had an interest in VR. And, body tracking (and things like eye and lip tracking!) for social VR has always appealed to me. Not only that, but even before getting into V-Tubing, I was looking into how to use VR body trackers for things like mixed reality. Given this, it’s no surprise I was attracted to the concept when I found out that some 3D V-Tubers used HTC Vive trackers for hand tracking instead of a dedicated hand tracker like a Leap Motion.

For a while I played with the idea of going 3D with hand tracking myself, but in truth this wouldn’t work for my setup. Leap Motion tracking would fail outright because I’m holding a controller, and while using Vive trackers solves tracking while holding objects, I lose finger tracking. I can’t substitute button inputs either unless I modify my controllers and use something like RetroSpy, which isn’t something I want to do. Of note, this is also why I can’t use Spud Controller. I really wish I could use Spud Controller.

Enter the LucidVR Gloves. Cheap, DIY haptic gloves made by LucidVR, for use as VR controllers. I’ve been wanting to build a pair for ages now, and am mainly just waiting for newer prototypes at this point; I’d really like to see splay sensors get added first. But I digress; if I could make a cut-down version just for finger tracking, it just might work. Unfortunately, Lily, of Creator’s Grimoire, has advised me that the LucidVR gloves are too cumbersome for this purpose. However, people from the LucidVR community have told me that a ‘claw’ style glove may work better, as this allows for a better range of movement, so I am presently monitoring a project by Nilheim Mechatronics Discord server member victor58141 to create a 25DOF bionic hand control glove that would be suitable for this purpose. This project uses a ‘claw’ style as recommended by the LucidVR community, as well as individual potentiometers for each joint instead of one for each finger, attempting to recreate this unreleased design from Will Cogley / Nilheim Mechatronics:

But I digress, that isn’t why we’re here. Let’s keep going.

As some of you know, I’ve been on something of a weight loss journey these last few months. But, one issue: I don’t exercise nearly enough. I live a fairly shut-in lifestyle thanks to COVID and remote education. Even two years into the pandemic, I’m not very comfortable taking risks. My dad, who I live with, may be in full remission thanks to chemo, but his cancer could recur at any time. If I brought COVID home and got him ill, it would be really bad. So, I don’t really go out.

So, I need a way to incorporate exercising into my otherwise fairly sedentary routine. One thing that worked fairly well for me in the past was streaming. Before becoming a V-Tuber, I regularly would stream Ring Fit Adventure, and I found doing so to be fairly good at keeping me motivated. But, what to do about the camera? When I streamed it, I used a room camera and greenscreen so you could see me doing exercises. How would that work with a V-Tuber avatar?

Ah, but what about motion capture? I told you we’d circle back to the main point.

Before we talk about the reason we’re all here however, the DIY setup, let’s look at the professional options. There are many options here, like the Xsens MVN Link suit famously used by CodeMiko. But the MVN Link costs ~$13,500 plus ~$10,000 a year in licensing, AFTER a 50% ‘indie discount’. Even if I got the Xsens MVN Awinda Starter, their lowest-end model, it’d still be $3,790, and likely still have licensing fees for the MVN Animate Plus software. And this is all before the $5,000 optional finger tracking gloves. Ouch.

The Shadow Motion Capture System, by Motion Workshop, is another option. Their streamer kit has out-of-the-box integration with Unity and Unreal for realtime capture…for $5,000. And, I can’t find any mention of out-of-the-box V-Tubing solutions that support it. Not only that, but I cannot find any mention of a finger tracking solution.

The Perception Neuron PN3Body Kit from Noitom is much more attractive, with the lowest price yet for the professional options: $3,400, with an optional finger tracking kit for $1,100. And, on top of that there’s also support for it built into VUP, as well as a section on how to use it with VSeeFace on their website, so you don’t need to bring your own V-Tuber software (Motion Workshop) or pay licensing fees (Xsens).

And, for even cheaper, there’s the Rokoko Smartsuit Pro II, for $2,745. You can also get a bundle with the Rokoko Smartgloves for $3,495, or for $3,995 you can get the suit, the gloves, AND their Face Capture bundle. Truly an exceptional deal compared to the other options. However, like the Xsens suit, it requires software licensing, only including a year of use before you need to start paying $20/mo per user to keep using realtime tracking data, plus $40/mo per user for face tracking if you opted for that option. A small cost, yes, but one that could add up very quickly; that $60/mo ends up ultimately being $720/yr, and even if you forego face tracking, that $20/mo is still $240/yr.

But wait, what if I can’t afford any of those? Well, it turns out there’s another option, and it’s PROFOUNDLY cheaper: make it yourself using SteamVR trackers! And, if you’re like me, you already own a good amount of the hardware you’ll need.

It turns out there’s a tool called VirtualMotionCapture, that can interface up to 10 SteamVR trackers with VSeeFace (head, hands, elbows, chest, knees, and feet), for the price of only a $3/mo Patreon or Pixiv Fanbox subscription to get access to download links that have the VMC source feature enabled. A far cry from the previously listed professional options’ 17 trackers, but it’s close enough for jazz. All you really lose is shoulder/upper-torso tracking, and you’re switching from upper/lower arm/leg trackers, to just elbow/knee trackers, which is fine since we’re not using inertial tracking.

Assuming you don’t have any base stations or trackers already, this would cost about $1,625, only around 60% the cost of the Rokoko body suit, and with a subscription that only costs 15% as much (5% as much if you include the cost of face tracking), working out to be $36/yr, or an annual cost of less than a month of Rokoko’s software. And, if you don’t plan to update your copy of VirtualMotionCapture, you can cancel your subscription at any time and keep the software. You only need the subscription in order to access the download link. But, if I were you, I’d still pay for it; it’s good to support the people who make the tools you rely on, after all, and it’s only $3.

But let’s say you have base stations and some body trackers / straps already. At least three for something like VRChat, up to eight for more complex apps like NEOS or the currently-ongoing public beta for VRChat’s new IK system. In that case it’d cost between about $370 (if you have eight already) and $970 (if you have three already). This is assuming your final setup will consist of 8 Tundra Trackers and 2 Vive Trackers 3.0.

So as to not inflate the length of this newsletter, I won’t go into the entire build process here; if you want to see that, go here for a complete parts list and build guide.

Credit to Suvidriel and Hussein Abdallah on YouTube for their guides on how to set up VirtualMotionCapture and put SteamVR into headless mode, respectively, which I used as a reference while writing my instructions. Links to their videos are below:

I plan to look into what it would take to make finger tracking gloves as well, but for now this is out-of-scope; modifying the LucidVR gloves is a promising option, and likely what I’ll be doing in the short-term (and writing a similar guide on how to make it work, as well as releasing custom software to use them with VSeeFace). In the longer-term, while it may take up to a year according to their creator, I’d also like to see what happens with the aforementioned bionic hand control gloves, because it will have much better range of motion both for your physical hand as well as for the tracking. Again, I will be writing a guide as well as releasing software once it is possible to do so. For reference, the current iteration of the LucidVR gloves is estimated to cost about $60 to a pair, before the cost of the trackers, and the software is free.

“That’s all well and good, but what about face tracking?”, I hear you ask. Well, I’ve considered that as well. Let’s look at some existing options.

First, I want to discount full-system options like the Facegood D2. At $470 complete with the camera, this seems like a bargain compared to other options. But, it uses proprietary software, and I cannot find any mention of a way to get realtime output or integrate that output into other software. Also, it’s wired, so if you need a wireless setup, e.g. for a dancing or fitness stream, it’s an absolute non-starter. And Facegood’s offerings only get more unreasonable from there: their higher-end models, the single-camera P1 and dual-camera P2, cost $8,000 and $39,800, respectively, and both say to contact them for the most up-to-date price. Yikes.

No, what we need is a headset that acts as an iPhone holder, so we can use existing iPhone apps for facial motion capture that already work with VSeeFace. And, guess what? Not only do these exist, they’re fairly standard in industry! But, with industry, comes industry prices…

Our first option is the Standard Deviation FaceCam HMC. It’s able to be adapted for a variety of camera styles at the buyer’s request, or you can buy the ‘FaceCam Premium’, which comes with a camera system. But, this ‘Premium’ option is so expensive you need to ‘inquire’, not order. If you need to ask how much it costs, you can’t afford it. But again, what we’re more interested in is their iPhone option, the FaceCam iPhone HMC, which they sell as a standard model. Well, this one costs only $1,250, with two caveats: bring your own iPhone, and no solution for face lighting if you’re shooting in poor lighting conditions. Ouch.

Next is what I think is the most ridiculous option, the MOCAP Design M2 Headcam. Like the Standard Deviation headset, it can be ordered in a variety of styles for different camera types: you have your choice of every non-SE iPhone from the X to the 13 Pro Max, the GoPro Hero 5/6/7 Black, or the Intel RealSense D415. This will run you $1,700 at the moment of writing this, discounted from $2,000. And, and this is why I think it’s ridiculous… face lighting is extra. $325 extra. Just for two small white LED diffusers that attach to the camera mount. And, to add insult to injury, yet again bring your own iPhone.

Of course, there’s also the earlier-mentioned Rokoko Face Capture system, for $695, plus $60/month once the one-year software licensing runs out, and, like all the other options, still requires you to already have an iPhone. And, all it essentially amounts to is a somewhat cheap-looking chest harness; the bulk of the $695 seens to be for the software licensing, which would otherwise be $720. Unless you have a need for the Rokoko software, it doesn’t very much seem worth it.

And finally, we have the Perception Neuron Face MOCAP Helmet, for $650. Yet again bring-your-own-iPhone. This seems much more reasonable than all the other options, until you see what it is: a modified skateboard helmet with a counterweight on the back and an iPhone mount on the front. Couldn’t we build something like this, for much less than $650?

Obviously the answer is ‘yes’, in fact for about $370. And that’s INCLUDING the cost of a used iPhone XR, AND face lighting. Credit to filmmaker Jae Solina, JSFILMZ on YouTube, for the original design I based mine on. I don’t want this newsletter to go on for too long, so instead go here for a separate build guide and parts list I wrote for the helmet.

Additionally, as a reference here are the videos Jae Solina made about his helmet build:

And, here’s a photo of the helmet I put together (more photos are in the build guide):

Finally, to charge everything, I also chose to get a 15-port USB charger, 14 USB-C charging cables, and a Lightning cable. The build guide for this is incredibly simple: just plug in the USB cables. Regardless, a part list and build guide is included in the summary below, if only so you have links to the exact charger and cables that I purchased.

So, to summarize: I’ve built a body mocap suit, as well as a face mocap helmet. I’m planning on using them for Ring Fit Adventure streams. I’ve released build guides on how to make them for yourself, if you want something similar. And, I’m planning to make and release custom hardware, software, and build guides on how to add finger tracking, at some point in the future.

Yet again, here are links to my build guides and parts lists, including links to order the parts for yourself:

Mocap Suit Build Guide

Mocap Helmet Build Guide

Mocap Suit Charger Build Guide

And here are the videos I used as a starting point when coming up with said guides:

Of course, this all would be useless without a 3D model…😉

Credit to Molegato, who has been absolutely wonderful to work with and has done an exceptional job on the above model. See you soon. <3

#motion capture #mocap #Twitter thread archive #rambling #long post #Youtube

[uncleasad]

I finished Season One of Dickinson earlier this week, and now I have a backlog of thoughts to post… This one—the only one so far in complete prose form—was written on or about January 5.

With Dickinson 1x06, the “cruelty arrow” has finally come to land on Emily herself. And while her intentions were noble—who among us would not wish to be freed of responsibilities in order to spend a few days devoted to our life’s calling?—the way Emily went about this ruse, and especially witnessing her loved ones’ reactions, make her seem callous and selfish, or at least obliviously self-centered.

When it aired in 2019, no one could have understood the gravity of Emily’s (fake) illness, which is ironic since but a year later, in early 2020, everyone would have understood—yellow fever in Emily’s day, like COVID-19 in early 2020, was essentially a death sentence. Today, only 3 years removed, I think many people, particularly those who did not lose someone at that time, neither adequately recall the dire nature of those days nor adequately grasp the deathly seriousness of Emily’s lie. Indeed, while I recognized her lie was when I watched, the full gravity of it did not sink in until much later, when I made the connection (and, mercifully, not having lost someone, I still don’t have the same sense of terrible weight that others would).

Emily’s father’s confession of his drunken affair/one-night stand while betrothed to her mother was one thing, but Mrs Dickinson’s (still casually cruel) reminiscence of early motherhood and lament at soon having to bury a child (one she never wanted, yes) began to show the real harm of Emily’s faking a deadly illness. Austin’s bedside chat, though sad, was a breath of fresh air, because it served to highlight the depth of the sibling bond they share, and his love for his sister, in spite of their “fight” for Sue’s affections.

But it was Sue’s return to Amherst, distraught at the likely loss of yet another person she loves—the person she loves the most in this world, perhaps—that really hammered Emily’s cruelty home. Knowing that Sue had lost everyone she’d loved, how could Emily have stooped so low to have faked such a sickness? (How long had Emily been faking this illness? And how fast does mail get from Amherst to Boston? I can believe Sue could make it back to Amherst the day after receiving Emily’s letter, but I cannot believe Emily wrote and mailed the letter the day the episode opened, it got to Boston, and Sue was back the very next day.)

I’m somewhat hopeful that Sue’s words resonated with Emily and that, combined with Austin’s confessions about the nature of his love for Sue the night before, prompted Emily to realize how selfish she’s been and “urge” (with eye contact and a nod and a lifetime of shared history between them) Sue to say she’d come back for Austin.

I enjoyed the B-plot with Emily’s “new George”—Edward’s new law clerk, Ben—who like George has shared literary interests with Emily and encourages her wilder notions—perhaps more so than even George, as the night swim shows. (Edward has let another fox into the hen house!) Unlike George, Ben seems (so far) far more understanding of Emily’s situation and desires—although I do not fully trust him, no matter how sweet his story about his father’s wedding ring is….

In the C-plot, was I the only one to think that Lavinia’s dress looked reminiscent of Emma Watson’s as Belle? And with her…wild-haired…cat, it was to be a portrait of Beauty and the Beast? (No? Just me? OK, well, we all know my mind works in a bizarre manner 😂) It was heartening to see that she took the portraitist’s words to heart, however, and began trying to draw herself as she wished to be seen—a nude self-portrait in front of a mirror is a fascinating concept. And…also interesting that Lavinia did not make a bedside visit to Emily…

#musings #Dickinson #Dickinson 1x06 #Emily Dickinson #Edward Dickinson #Emily Norcross Dickinson #Austin Dickinson #Sue Gilbert #Ben Newton #Lavinia Dickinson #Beauty and the Beast #this is the way my mind works

[kpoptarotvibes]

It almost seems to me like the company has gotten way too complacent with BTS... it's like they already know the fandom is loyal enough to eat anything up so they just don't feel the need to put that much effort into them anymore... and I think that's a big insult to them and the fans who made that company in huge part.

Hybe is clearly putting in effort with their newer groups both conceptually, visually and music wise... you can tell they are passionate about making those newer groups pop off. But with BTS they are just taking the success for granted at this point I think... but there's only so much longer they can get away with that. Another comeback with a boring, mediocre or cheesy song and they will see a decline in numbers and interest... The guys need to really pull through with their own standards for music cause this isn't them... like idk what's going on behind the scenes but I know they will come through for their own mixtapes and solo music so why isn't there that energy for the group music too?

Honestly YTC felt like I was listening to a B side on a Japanese album... a ballad song they would never promote and we would only hear once in a blue moon if they performed it at a Japanese concert. That's the level of that song... but they chose it as the Title Track for a comeback after so long... why Hybe??? Why???

Like I really am wondering as well why they didn't release a proper album with all new music too and I'm thinking it has to be something to do with the fact that they a) never got to do a world tour with MOTS7 cause of Covid and b) the issue of enlistment.... I wonder if Hybe is trying to bide their time and see if enlistment can be delayed any further before making solid plans for BTS going forward... I just hope they don't keep giving them mediocre songs in the meantime because eventually the illusion will fall and even the hard-core fans will lose interest.

I agree it seems like they have been giving all the best songs to TXT. I don't know what is going on with the music production team. You are right if they keep going with this boring acoustic music. They are going to continue to lose fans but oddly at this point. They don't believe they will.

This is why I'm lost because why can't you just release a whole album with a whole new mature concept. To make that transition from boy to manhood. Like we are not blind they are starting to look like men now. So I felt like this was a good time to make that transition with a whole new album. If they couldn't because of the military pending then just don't do a mini album and not promote it so hard but let it be a transition.

Honestly, hardcore and veteran fans have already lost interest and were being pushed out by newer stan fans. I've been reading on a lot of different message boards how the old fans have been leaving the fandom left and right. So it's already being done. I have already left the fandom myself. I really don't keep up and follow BTS as much as I use to anymore.

#kpoptarotvibesask

[from-our-boxes]

An Interview with Isabelle Frances McGuire

by Ahnali Tran

Isabelle Frances McGuire (b. 1994) is an alumnus of the School of the Art Institute of Chicago with a BFA in film, video, and new media. They continue to reside in Chicago and have participated in a number of solo and group exhibitions in Chicago, New York, and San Francisco.

The questions of this interview are related to two exhibitions that took place in California in 2020 before and during the first lockdown. The earlier exhibition at From the Desk of Lucy Bull in Los Angeles between mid-February through early March included the work Digesting Duck Entry Position. This piece made a reappearance at gallery Et. Al in San Francisco. McGuire invites us to question the systems of commodification, isolation, and what the world will look like in the aftermath of the COVID-19 pandemic.

Isabelle Frances McGuire, 'Touch,' 2020; 'Target,' 2020; and 'April 10, 2020,' 2020. (Courtesy the artist and Good Weather)

AT: What was your time at SAIC like? How do you feel that it impacted your practice?

IM: SAIC was challenging but I loved it. The professors and the library were my favorite part. I struggled to get through it and ended up having to take summer school like a lot of others because of depression. I couldn’t make it to class even though I was obsessed with art and theory.

SAIC introduced me to what was possible in art. I used to resent the artists I wanted to be like because I found their practices to be so magical and thought I could never make work like them. I had to teach myself to shut up and just make attempts at that kind of magic. SAIC taught me that experimentation is key and that all tools are available to me.

AT: Are you fascinated by any new trends online or around you?

IM: I am fascinated by the aesthetic choices people make as we slowly lose agency through capitalism and crawl deeper into climate disaster. Heavy concepts turn cute and removed, like the “Avant Apocalypse” fashion trend. Children spend their time interacting with glass screens that don’t stimulate their sense of touch so things like Pop-It fidget toys get invented. The most banal, ignored objects and trends actually are very telling of whats happening to people during this moment in our evolution.

AT: Who/what do you feel are your influences as of late?

IM: Mike Kelley, Rosemary Trockel, Elaine Sturtevant’s artist talks, Cyberpunk Novels, the CCRU, and lots of music. Interfaces, Cybernetics, Deleuze and Guattari. Synthesizers other machines made to create abstraction.

Digesting Duck Entry Level Position, Isabelle

AT: I was very fascinated by the work that you created for P**** B**** ARENA, especially the return of Digesting Duck Entry Level Position. Do you feel like the work’s meaning changed having been exhibited before the COVID-19 pandemic and again during it?

IM: Absolutely. Digesting Duck Entry Level Position was a very snarky piece. I made it in anger and jest. The piece is basically a service worker/self portrait. When it was exhibited before COVID it was kind of a spectacle, more playful and ridiculous. During lockdown tho, it took on a way more serious tone because the lives of the working class were at stake. People lost so much so quickly. So, this vomiting sculpture felt like a representation of absolute disgust at the situation. The jest or joy was gone.

AT: How do you think the COVID-19 pandemic will affect art, artists, and the way that viewers engage with artwork in the future?

IM: I really don’t know. So far it seems like most people are trying to rebuild their communities and rethink the way they interact socially. Prioritizing things that really matter to them and with less patience for BS. People realized how much they need each other. Hopefully that makes for better artists.

AT: Do you have any advice for SAIC students or people existing at this present moment? IM: Don’t let other people tell you what good art is. Don’t let them tell you being an artist is a waste of time. Define everything for yourself and never stop experimenting. Introspection will show you much about the macro. Build a healthy community for yourself. Listen to your tiny impulses, be open, and try to explore subjects that make you uncomfortable. If you give all, there is n

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