#cow demon really winning me over huh

[magical-regical]

Since I’m thinking of skipping this event, I’m thinking of doing a lonely devil event and i’m scrolling through my card shards and realizing that Belphie’s UR in the festival event makes my heart go doki doki.

#cow demon really winning me over huh #i didn't like him when i first saw him #obey me #obey me! #obey me belphegor

[anenbylittlepotato]

MC introducing roasting the bros to new exchange students

Side dateables here

"The scary looking guy there is Lucifer. He seems like a dick at first, and you will eventually learn, that he is, actually, a dick. He hasn't really stopped. But he's got enough moments of being nice and soft that he gets a pass I guess. He's also fucking gorgeous so I think it's excusable. But, just a heads up, don't piss him off and almost get killed by him twice as I did. I almost died. It was terrifying. And also hot. But mostly terrifying. Also, he acts like every fatherly figure that's ever been in my life! Emotionally absent, makes shit up to accuse me of, reacts to things with violence, prioritizes how I make him look over my mental well-being, and lectures me for three hours over something small! Hooray!"

"The guy over there that looks like the biggest fuckboy ever is Mammon. He is the CEO of getting bullied. He also might try to steal your wallet, but luckily he's a fucking dumbass, so he'll probably fail. Probably. He always gets in trouble because he has literally no impulse control, which is honestly a mood. He can't keep his mouth shut for the life of him, and it always makes Lucifer very angry. But at least he won't try to kill you, unlike some people. He might threaten you but he most likely won't follow through with it. Actually... I don't think I've ever seen Mammon get angry enough to hurt anyone... I... Huh... Wow... Anyway, he's also simultaneously incredibly clingy while also being the biggest tsundere ever. Which makes no sense but okay."

"The guy that's sulking over there with his Ruri-chan phone case is Leviathan. Honestly, you'll probably only ever see him at meals because he pretty much never leaves his room. Unless his limited edition Ruri-chan body pillow just came in. Then expect to hear him screaming as he rushes across the entire house faster than you'll ever see him move otherwise. And then he'll be panting and wheezing as he walks back to his room because that boy is out of SHAPE. He's also the biggest weeb ever if you couldn't tell. Biggest anime nerd ever. Seriously, he has an unhealthy obsession. He needs to go outside and touch some grass or sumn like fr. He also makes a great gaming buddy. Unless you're playing PvP and aim to win. But otherwise, great gaming buddy, we play Genshin Impact together a lot."

"The guy watching cats videos over there is Satan. He may look like a chill guy, but that's just what he wants you to think. He's actually a ticking time bomb and the pure, unbridled rage that hides beneath his facade could bubble over if you so much as look at a cat the wrong way. However, if you are a cat - or any animal, really, but specifically cats - he will love you unconditionally. He's also very big-brained. The biggest brain. If there's literally anything you need to know, just ask him. He'd be happy to show off how much better than Lucifer he is. He's also the living embodiment of daddy issues and teenage rebellion. He's probably unironically said, 'It's not a PHASE!'"

"The pretty boy taking selfies and putting on makeup over there is Asmodeus. That man is whore KNEE, like DAMN. That man would flirt with anything that moves tbh. He's also the living embodiment of 'Gotta look cute so they forget you don't know basic math.' He's a little creepy because he's not against incest and that's a little icky. But hey, if you want a [REDACTED] then he's your guy, I guess. He's also got all the tea because he is a gossip QUEEN. And he's practically obsessed with himself. He needs to go outside and touch some grass too. 😔"

"The guy over there that's knawing on a vintage candle is Beelzebub. Uh, can someone get that candle away from him??? I don't think he should be eating that. Oh, thanks Belphie. ANYway, now that that's over uhh, as can see, he really likes to eat. A little too much. He eats everything in the fridge on a regular basis 😔. But like, he's literally the bestest boy??? He may be a demon, but he's just so sweet and soft-hearted, and caring??? Like bro??? I would literally die for him??? Unless you eat his food, then he'll kill you. Instant death. One hit KO. But otherwise, he's basically a giant teddy bear. Big wholesome boy, too pure for this world."

"The My Chemical Romance lookin fucker over there is Belphegor. Don't let him out of the attic..................................... Anyway, he is an evil gremlin man. Horrible goblin man. Stinky bastard man. He bullies me >:( Also, little known fact, but he is actually not a demon but, in fact, a cow. Cowboy. Also, he does not know how to function as a person, and, instead, opts to sleep for 17 hours a day which... Fair enough with this family. Just don't fuck with Beel or he'll kill you. And so will I >:( Also, don't fuck with him either or Beel will kill you. Those two are basically two peas in a pod. The literal only way they could be closer is if they were Siamese twins."

#obey me #obey me swd #obey me shall we date #obey me shitpost #obey me belphegor #obey me levi #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me asmodeus #obey me asmo #obey me belphie #obey me beel #obey me beelzebub #obey me headcanons #obey me writing #obey me shitposts

[sofi220303]

My Weeb Hero - Leviathan (Obey Me!) One-Shot

Summary:

(After the events of Lesson 16)

After having a nightmare of THAT traumatic experience you had recently on the Devildom, you decide to ask Levi for help to forget your nightmare, and with a beautiful gaming night both of you get closer.

*Just read it for the fluff and to see Levi being cute with MC lmao, I suck at doing interesting summaries*

Before We Start:

Hi! Welp, this is the first time I'm publishing a fanfic in my life (Only because it's Levi's birthday and I love him, and wanted to post something about him), so please don't be too harsh on me and I really hope you all enjoy it! Thanks to my beautiful friends that were my beta-readers and also proofread my story (love ya girls!)

I wrote some MC interest and personality basing it on me to make it more realistic, so if you don't like one of the interest I wrote, change it to your own! I also have the same idea written but instead of Levi, with Satan, maybe if you like this one I will publish it, english it's not my first language so sorry if I have some mistakes, and well I think that's all, hope you like it!

My Weeb Hero

— I hate humans, you see. I hate them more than anything in the three worlds— while Belphegor talked all I could feel was the pressure of his cow like tail around my neck, pressing it harder by the minute. I tried to breath, but with every second that passed it became harder. I tried to focus my energy on pushing him away or taking his tail off me, but it was hopeless. My body felt heavier and I didn't have the strength to do anything; there was no way to scape, to save myself.

—...Why is it so much fun that I can barley stand it?! I... I can't contain the laughter! AHAHAHAHAHA!— his eyes that once where sweet and beautiful, that showed sadness and frustration, no, not frustration, but desperation because of being captive, now were shining, almost seemed as they where glowing in the darkness of the room, glowing with passion and satisfaction by my growing pain. They're all I could see with that smile that scared every last bit of me, and that laugh that echoed in my mind, suffocating me even more.

My eyelids became heavier and everything faded into darkness, but I could still see those glowing eyes and creepy smile with his laugh loudly resonating in my head...

Without breath I woke up from my dream turned into nightmare, completely startled by the memory. My body was shaking and my breathing was fast, desperate to get a grasp of air I frantically needed and still felt like missing. With a hand in my heart I closed my eyes to find it beating at an awfully fast speed. I laid back on my bed slowly and tried to focus on my breathing to calm down, without noticing I placed my hand on my face and started laughing, just to start crying the second after. I decided to go to the bathroom to wash my face and get some water... again those nightmares... great.

When I went back to my room I decided to check the hour on my phone... 2:45 am... perfect. I opened the chat on my D.D.D and scrolled down a bit. I'm sure he will be awake, it's not that late and he probably is playing some video-games, binge-watching some anime or rewatching the TSL movies again.

"Leviachan Otaku Lord"

MC: Hey! You up?

Levi: Yup, u ok?

Levi: Thought I heard some noise...

Levi: It's not as if I'm worried or something! Just wondering out of pure curiosity... It would be really unfair if you were with some of my brothers doing a sleepover like the other day -_-'

MC: Hahaha... it's nothing like that, just needed someone to talk to and thought you would be up watching smth or playing some games.

MC: Sorry to bother you since I know you don't like to be disturbed.

Levi: Hmph it's no bother if I'm answering you (-////-)

Levi: I was just watching a show, but it's really not that interesting.

Levi: Did you have a nightmare again?

MC: Yeah... the noise you heard probably was when I went to the kitchen to get something to drink ://

Levi: Do-do you want to come over? If you don't want to it's okay. Maybe is better if we only talk by chat, but it's not everyday that I give someone the opportunity to come into my biggest comfort place, to my beloved "cave" as my brothers would say.

MC: Hahahaha

MC: Okay, okay, if you want it that bad I will go.

MC: As you said it's not everyday that I get invited to your awesome cave lmao

After that, Levi didn't answer again. Gladly, his room was near mine so I didn't have to walk around the House of Lamentation making more noise and risking waking everyone up. When I got there I knocked on his door three times. After a minute or so, the door opened slowly.

—Come in.— Levi almost whispered hiding behind the door. Even though his face was serious, you could see a faint blush on his cheeks. He still wasn't used to people entering his room without coming to drag him out, play video games or watch animes or some movie, ask him a favor or look through his things, so this was still weird for the introverted demon.

Also, he knew how much I liked his room with the ocean theme and felt relaxed by it, so if that would help me get over the scare of the nightmare he would endure it.

—Thanks...— I said softly while sitting on his bed. He took some consoles from his desk and took some games before sitting with me.

—No worries!— he said while hurriedly giving me a console and the games to automatically look to the other side of the room— C-choose a game, we will play some... I thought you would like these ones... — he mumbled still facing the opposite side of the room but more relaxed.

—How about this one?— I took the same old loved Mariokart and showed it to him.

—If that's what you want... it's really a good choice since it's a classic that never disappoints to bring a great time. But don't think I will let you win that easily! Hmph! — he took the game and put the disc's in both consoles.

—It's really cool how you have two Nintendos and copies of the games to play with more people!— I said while preparing my game.

—As an otaku I need the limited edition consoles, and this Ruri-chan theme Nintendo had to be mine even though I already had that one, and the copies are pretty new, since I thought it would be best to lend yo... you know what? Never mind.

Even if he doesn't want to show it he can be really cute when he cares for others, I can't help but smile while thinking that.

—Are you ready to start?— he asks looking directly at me.

—Huh? Oh! Yes...— while concentrating on the loading screen I add— I won't take it easy with you too, I'm not willing to lose!

—Ha! Let's see if you can win to a pro like me, normie— he says surprisingly confidently with a smirk on his face.

After five rounds with two wins and three loses...

—Fuzz buckets! You ARE good at this...— I admit in defeat.

—Told ya, still... you keep up a good match...—he admits shyly— and did you just said "fuzz buckets"?? Really?

—Sorry not sorry! I just love Wizards and got used to saying it thanks to Douxie. Can't help it so don't blame me — I giggled.

—Hmm... I'm in no position to blame though, but why him??

—Because I love him and he is my fave. I don't question you when you say quotes from Henry, do I?

—No... you don't...— he fakes resentment and pouts, simply cute.

Without really thinking who I'm with, I lean on his shoulder. I can feel him getting a bit stiff but he doesn't move away and I take it as an offer to stay there.

—Hey... do you... do you want to talk about what happened? About your nightmare?— he asks a bit embarrassed.

—Just the usual... the demon from that time trying to attack me, but none of you is around to save me... and I can't scape because I'm cornered and I'm not strong enough to run or defend myself...— even though I wanted to tell him about the nightmare, I couldn't bring myself to tell any of them that their own brother is the demon in question, not even to Levi with whom I'm closer to. So I just used the story about that time on RAD when a demon of a lower rank tried to attack me while I walked to my next class. At that moment I was alone because none of the brothers took that class with me, but gladly before something happened, Lucifer, who was passing by, saved me and took care of him. Since then, at least one of the brothers would take the same classes as me, so I'm not alone anymore.

—I swear I will protect you... I might be a filthy otaku, an useless shut-in, but I'm strong enough to protect you. I won't let others hurt you... even on your dreams... so make sure to call me in situations like this. I can be your hero, like the ones on manga, and... I w-want to be your hero!— with a a blush creeping up on his cheeks and the tip of his ears, he declared this with such passion showing he was serious, but in a soft way that shows the regret of not being there at the moment the incident happened.

—Thank you Levi— I reply softly— can I stay here for a bit more?— I ask while closing my eyes and grabbing his left arm close to me. Another shiver comes from him because of that, but again he doesn't complain. I can feel his eyes staring and I'm mostly sure he is even more red than before. With a little movement of his head, guessing he is nodding, and a "hmmh" I finally fall asleep feeling safe.

I didn't have any more nightmares that night.

#Spoilers Lesson 16 (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!) #Gender-Neutral Main Character (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!) #Male Main Character (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!) #Female Main Character (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!) #Implied/Referenced Character Death #Choking #Graphic Description #Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD #Nightmares #Angst and Hurt/Comfort #Fluff and Hurt/Comfort #Romantic Fluff #Romantic Gestures #One Shot #Cute Ending #Angst with a Happy Ending #Happy Ending #Just Wanted to Write Something Wholesome #Also Wanted to Write MC with PTSD #Videogames #Otaku #Gamer #Devildom (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!) #House of Lamentation (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!) #Happy Birthday Leviathan (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!) #My First Fanfic #My First Work in This Fandom. #Nervous Leviathan (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!) #Cute Leviathan (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!) #Sub Leviathan (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!)

[elecman108]

Man, I forgot to post 90% of my art here for the past while. I’m gonna do an art dump in this post under the cut. Enjoy the bonk emoji if you don’t click the read more, and man am I dumb and forgetful lmao.

Includes: OCs getting names, a Sonic impression, a D&D map, homosexual energies, a sheep floating in the astral sea, a birthday drawing I already posted, Hex Maniac Ender, D&D Characters, D&D Characters as Miis in Miitopia, Little Hater Axel, local Demon in the consciousness of my D&D character yelling at him, illegal plants, a necromancer being cute, an actual event that happened in a D&D game two days ago, and Mermay drawing.

That’s everything in here as a TL;DR, I guess. Enjoy your day!

I’m gonna try and sort of have them in chronological order, oldest first, but I may end up putting them in the wrong order. If I do... Whoops, I guess?

[04/14/21] - This isn’t really new art, but I started to work on giving the four OCs of mine without a full name full names... I have not finished this bit, though. So Hunter and Akira have full names, and Warlock and Assassin only have temporary names. This may end up like Seven where I put in their names as a temporary name (7th OC I’d made at that time) and it just kind of... sticks. Lmao.

[04/20/21] - Alone on a Friday Night? God, you’re pathetic. I didn’t colour this one because it was a half-attempt at a meme image I still like it, though, so I might end up colouring it. It’s gonna appear again whenever I do my “unfinished drawings art dump” at some point probably in... June? I know I said I’d post them last month but forget it, lmao, it’ll happen eventually.

[04/20/21] - A D&D Map! This was to help me visualize the layout of my D&D character’s ship he used to be on. Also for my DM if they ever put us aboard the ship. The little fella in the corner is just there to vibe. This map is made of free to use assets from This Website, so while I’m gonna say DONT USE MY MAP WITHOUT PERMISSION, feel free to make your own!

[04/26/21] - Lesbian Day of Visibility drawing of yours truly, the disapointment! That’s... really all I have to say about this, honestly. It was just for that one day and that was it, lmao. I mean, I accidentally lined it in dark pink, so.. .That’s different, I guess?

[04/30/21] - Do Astral Seas dream of Ensorcled Sheep? Does the City know what Sheepleb is going to do? What crimes he may commit? Who knows! This was fan art of Critical Role ep. 134 if I remember correctly, right at the end when they jumped into the portal into the astral sea and Caleb was a sheep. Using my knowledge of the German language, I knew the word for “shit”, and had to use it.

[05/07/21] - This was already posted, but it’s going in here to dilinuate that it was drawn at this point. Also, aside from playing Miitopia, this is all I have to show for myself until the 12th.

[05/12/21] - Hex Maniac Ender challenges you to a Pokemon Battle! WIll you win against my team? My sis, who loves fairy types, pointed out to me that there’s a fairy girl and hex maniac duo, so I’d be the hex maniac. I spent... Over a week drawing this, because I basically had to redraw the Hex Maniac art from scratch in a higher quality size, and then draw myself over it. So... You can excuse the low-effort background for once. It was basically this, and then my birthday doodle from May 1st to May 12th, and then I took a break to draw up several D&D characters quickly for fullbody references.

[05/12/21] - Remember this art I made several months ago? I finally added my other two completed characters! I have three more named but without character sheet D&D characters, so for now this is just Kara, Axel, Golden Shadow, Kau, Cecillia, and Miri. Kress, Tempest, and Melia will have to wait until I make character sheets for them to be posted, and... For when I probably make more D&D characters. I have at least 9 additional, incomplete character ideas floating around, so... I’m never gonna be done this art, huh?

[05/12/21] - Speaking of D&D characters, did you know I’ve been making them as Miis in Miitopia? So here is their finished full body art next to their Miitopia self! Some of them look a little off (Golden Shadow, Cecillia) because of limitations of the editor and shading issues, some of them look a little off (Kau, Kress) because this is a human face canvas that I’m using to make a non-human face, and some of them (Melia, Axel) look REALLY GOOD. Common traits among my D&D characters include green eyes and tall. You wanna know why? Because I am tall and... despite having red eyes, I do have green eyes under the coloured contacts.

[05/15/21] - More D&D stuff! This is based around my D&D group’s current Rime of the Frostmaiden campaign where our Goliath Fighter, Nioh, ends up getting a little bit of hate for being cocky, and our little (well over 6′) hater, Axel, is just a man full of irritation. These are the tallest two characters of the group at the moment. Someone send help. Nioh belongs to one of the other D&D players, Axel (and his stupid additude) belongs to me.

[05/15/21] - This is what me playing D&D feels like. Me, the demon entity trapped inside the head of my D&D character, yelling at them to do things while the dice decide that they’re gonna get bopped a hundred times by a yeti and somehow still survive. This is also a reference to our first or second game where I just ran off like sixty feet to one side of the battle map to fight a Crag Cat and was just in Gay Baby Jail until like two turns later when I could run back to the others. I also drew him not in his winter gear even though this is a bit from when we were atop Kelvin’s Carin in an icy cave, so maybe that’s why he’s at low HP.

[05/15/21] - Melia has good gardening tips, such as Use A Mars Mii Trap To Hide A Body Because They Are Endangered And It Is Illegal To Dig Them Up. I love her a lot, because she’s the youngest of four, all four sisters based around the different seasons. She’s based around Autumn, so she’s all orange and yellow and brown and is so cute. Also she’s Chaotic Neutral, as if she didn’t need to be mildly more threatening.

[05/15/21] - Cecillia is my Tiefling gal who lived in a very northern town plagued by cold weather and snow, and Axel is my Pirate guy who spent most of his time further south on the high seas and warmer weather. So, naturally... I’ll use the guy more acclimatized to the hotter weather in the campaign where we spend 99% of it in the snow. She uses Tarot Cards as her spell focus, and I decided to sneak my other D&D characters onto her Tarot cards so naturally, Axel is The Hanged Man, given his backstory and personality. She’s a very cheerful and friendly Tiefling Necromancer of the Hexblade, so she’d for sure take care of those around her to ensure their success. Especially if they’re on her Tarot Cards, and their spirit comes to her aid when she asks for them.

[05/16/21] - Content Warning; Ryma thinks too much into local stupid moron’s lack of knowing how to answer a question and thinks too much into the reputation of Pirates. Poor Axel, man doesn’t know how to socialize with people who aren’t pirates and is used to being hostile towards everyone, so when he’s asked a question that his answer to is “uhh... no?”, he panics and ends up making a mistake that leads him to think that Ryma can read his mind. Ryma belongs to another of the D&D players. I guess me drawing all those spicy Cow Costumed OCs earlier just brought me to drawing Axel being a bottom in this, huh?

[05/16/21] - It’s Mermay, which means more OC drawings! Here’s Theo after drinking some potion that turned him into a mermaid, and Seven, tiredly, collecting his stupid boyfriend so that Lailah can fix the fact he’s turned into a mermaid. Mer!Theo is based around his sword’s colours of indigo-purple with red accents, which looks a little weird since Theo is the Blue one of the group, but... it looks cool, I guess. Seven’s just the same outfit as always, just no gloves this time.

--

And that’s it for the art dump! This was, frankly, MASSIVE. I’ll try and remember to upload both on Twitter and Tumblr at the same time, but... Ah... I have been drawing a fair bit. Just mostly sketches and linework that I haven’t finished and may not actually finish. If they’re not completed, I’ll dump them all into something at the end of the month or whatever. Maybe you’ll get the old sketch of the Axel face in panel 3 because in the sketch phase it was an Ahegao face, in the clean sketch it was a lip bite, and in the linework and final it’s just horny face. lmao.

Top ten things I have to remember for drawing: AXEL HAS A SCAR AND GREEN EYES. I remember his eye colour now, but if you look at his fullbody ref, he’s got brown eyes. And, naturally, I keep forgetting to put in his scar. He has more, but most of them are located in areas covered by his clothes. So if I ever draw him shirtless I guess I’ll have to place them somewhere.

Also maybe finish the reference sheets I have left to finish so I can post more of them, since I have two “Pets” completed (Roko and Mona’s nameless pet), but I have to do up Hunter, Warlock, Assassin, Akira, Myuut, and Stella. I’m betting when I do complete two more, it’ll be Hunter and Akira. Those two are the most fun to draw, at least.

#the disappointment speaks #drawings by me #OCs #D&D #art dump #Miitopia #of all of these drawings I gotta say the most cursed is censored bottom!Axel and the most blessed is Cecillia's lap nap #I drew a lot of D&D stuff lately! Most of my OC stuff has stayed in the sketch stage so #I guess that says something about what I've been prioritizing in my drawings? #Also that drawing a twunk as a twink is incredibly funny and cursed. love my pirate boy

[therainroguefanfiction]

🔥 ℝise Ⱥbove I̾t ◈ Chapter 047 [Teamwork]

📑 Table of Contents | ◂Backward

Word Count: 3,352

⊱ ────── {⋅. 🔥 .⋅} ────── ⊰

〈“Don’t be scared to say what’s on your mind. Show them all your colors, show your pride. And no matter what they say, know you’re a star.” Mackenzie Ziegler, “Teamwork”〉

⊱ ────── {⋅. 🔥 .⋅} ────── ⊰

I stepped inside the classroom, eyes locking with heterochromatic ones. I suppressed a shiver as I approached my desk. To think that I could have been flame fuck’s kid… I could have been Shouto’s sister. Now I feel bad about all those dirty thoughts I had when I first met him. Ugh, what was that dipshit mom of mine thinking? Was he married to Shouto’s mom back then? He had to be… right? That means he cheated on his wife – that doesn’t really surprise me, he seems the type. Did mom know he was married? Did he pay her like he paid off his wife’s family? I groaned, letting my forehead hit my desk.

A hand rested on my shoulder followed by a soft, familiar voice. “How are your injuries?”

“Todoro -” My eye twitched as flame fuck popped into my head. “I’m fine, Shouto. How are you doing?”

His eyes widened a bit at the use of his first name, cheeks dusting a light pink. “I wasn’t injured that badly.”

“Good.”

Shit, it feels awkward as fuck now. Silence settled over us and I briefly wondered if he’s feeling as awkward as I am. Students started to file into the room, swapping stories of their adventures during their internship.

Obnoxious laughter filled the room as Kirishima and Sero loudly chorused, “Holy crap! What the heck, Bakugo?!”

Huh? Katsuki? I can’t see anything but those two idiot’s backs. I stood up, slowly approaching the three boys.

“Stop laughing…” Kat’s voice was strained. “My hair’s gotten used to this and I can’t get it back the right way…”

“Woah,” My eyes widened as I stepped up beside Kiri. Katsuki’s body was shaking and his hair… it’s flatter than Kyouka’s tits! “Uh… new fashion choice, Kat? Actually, it don’t look that bad. You look like… a prep.”

“Did you not hear me?! I’ll kill all of you!”

“I’d like to see you try, pretty boy!” Sero laughed loudly.

“What did you call me?!” With an explosive pop, his flat blonde hair expanded outward, returning to its natural spiky state.

“There it goes!!” The two chorused, clutching their stomachs.

Before he could actually kill them, I threw my arm around his neck and dragged him over to his desk. He elbowed me hard in the gut, which was still fucking sore, before falling onto his chair. I wheezed in pain, “The fuck was that for?”

His vermillion eyes narrowed as they met mine. “You ignored all my damn messages! And then fucking Iida called me telling me you’re alive! What the fuck, tiger?!”

“My phone kinda… broke,” I deadpanned, sitting backward at the desk in front of him. “Well, as it turns out, our bad feelings were right. I put our instincts to the test, you’re welcome.”

He scowled, leaning forward on his desk. “What the fuck happened?”

I rested my arms on the top of the chair and sighed. “The hero and all of her sidekicks were all dead when I arrived at the agency.”

He sucked in a breath, his eyes widening.

“It was the League of Villains. I was actually about to call you and tell you what I found when they appeared. Tried to get away, but that damn warp gate is a pain in my fucking ass.”

“Wait…” Katsuki.exe is processing this information. “The league had you all fucking week?!”

Ojirou, currently the closest person to us, glanced over at us at the sudden exclamation and I sent him a sheepish smile before scowling at Kat. “No one fucking knows, so shut your fatass mouth!”

“You’re a fucking dumbass, you know that?” He growled, smacking his hand on the desk. “I told you not to go!”

I hummed. “I also met my dad.”

“You what?”

“Apparently, he’s a top hero over in Ireland.” I held up a finger and grinned. “But wait, there’s more! I learned some juicy shit about my mom. You won’t fucking believe -” My words paused in my throat when I felt an aura spike across the room. Holy cow, Ochaco’s aura is hella stronger than it was before!

“I’d say that it was very enlightening,” she punched the air a few times. To be honest, I feel relieved that her spirit has changed, gotten stronger. That means she’ll be safer.

“I think she found her fighting spirit,” Tsu commented.

“Yeah, that battle hero must’ve been something else,” Kyouka agreed.

“After one week, she’s like a totally different person.” Kaminari mused.

“‘Different’? Don’t be fooled, Kaminari.” Mineta got a terrified look on his face, his skin pale and eyes wide. “All women are demons at heart. They just hide their true personalities behind pretty faces…” His voice shook and I smirked. Good, that bitch put him in his place. Now let’s hope he fucking stays there.

“What the heck did Mt. Lady do to you? Everyone at my internship loved me, it was actually kinda great! Now, if you wanna talk about the ones who really changed, it was those three,” Kaminari nodded toward Shouto’s desk where he, Zuku, and Iida were gathered.

“Oh yeah! The hero killer!” Sero exclaimed.

“Glad you guys made it back alive,” Kirishima gave them a soft smile. “Seriously!”

Momo nodded. “I worried about you, too.”

“You’re lucky Endeavor showed up and saved you guys,” Sumo’s voice sounds so goddamn condescending, the little fuck.

“So cool~” Toru swooned. “Just what I’d expect from the number two hero!”

I scoffed, narrowing my eyes at the desk beside me. “Bastard didn’t do shit.”

Katsuki’s eye twitched in annoyance. “Don’t fucking tell me… you were there, too?!”

“Huh?” Kaminari’s golden eyes met mine. “You were there, too, Winchester?”

“What?” Sero added. “No way!”

Shouto spoke up, his voice and face blank. “Yeah, that’s right. He saved us.”

“Did you guys hear the news about the hero killer?” Ojirou questioned. “Everyone’s been saying that he’s somehow connected to the League of Villains. Can you imagine how frightening it would’ve been if that creep had been there when they attacked the USJ?”

“They’re not connected,” I responded blankly. “Don’t believe everything you hear.”

Kirishima tilted his head. “How do you know?”

“Uhh… woman’s intuition?”

Katsuki rolled his eyes, “What a dumbass excuse.”

“He’s scary, yeah, but did you see ’em in that weird video?” Kaminari asked. “It’s all over the internet.”

“I didn’t even know there was a video of him,” Ojirou responded in surprise.

“Yeah,” he continued. “Stain’s a pretty evil villain, but like, super tenacious! He’s almost kinda cool, don’t you guys think?”

“Kaminari!” Zuku cried out in disbelief.

“Huh?” the blonde’s gaze slipped to Iida and his expression turned guilty, his hand shooting up to cover his mouth. “Oh, uh… dude…!”

“No, it’s okay. You’re fine.” Iida replied calmly, holding his hand up. I can see the bandages peeking out from the sleeves of his jacket. “It is true that he’s quite a tenacious villain. I understand why people might think he was cool, but instead of helping the world, his beliefs led him to cold-blooded murder. No matter his motives, killing cannot be condoned.”

Kaminari lowered his head, shoulders slumping. I stood up and rested my hand on his head, ruffling his blonde hair.

Iida continued, “To keep anyone else from suffering like me… well,” he held his arm out straight, glasses glinting under the bright lights. “I promise… I will strive to be the perfect hero!”

“Yeah, let’s do it!” Zuku cheered.

I clicked my tongue, moving my arm to rest on Kaminari’s shoulder. “I hate to be that bitch -” Which is a total lie. “I get what you’re tryin’ to say, right, but~ to quote a very creepy but quite brilliant mad scientist: ‘There is no such thing as perfect in this world. That may sound cliche, but it’s the truth. The average person admires perfection and seeks to obtain it, but what’s the point of achieving perfection? There is none. Nothing. Not a single thing. I spit on perfection! If something is perfect, then there is nothing left. There is no room for imagination. No place left for that person to gain additional knowledge or abilities.’”

Sero whistled. “That’s pretty deep.”

Katsuki scoffed. “You can remember that long ass fucking quote you can’t even remember simple math equations. Dumbass.”

“In conclusion!” I met Iida’s eyes and offered him a grin. “Don’t strive to be perfect, strive to be the best hero you can be, Mr. Class Rep~”

He returned the smile, nodding his head. “You’re right. I never thought of it that way.”

Zuku looked between us with worry before sighing in relief when he realized we weren’t gonna butt heads again.

“It’s time for class to begin! Everyone, please take your seats!” Iida ordered loudly.

“He’s back…” Fumi sighed.

“This is your fault for talking about weird stuff,” Kyouka sweatdropped, glaring at Kaminari whose face fell in response.

“Sorry… I’ll keep my mouth shut…”

“Class 1-A will ensure there is peace!”

⊱ ────── {⋅. 🔥 .⋅} ────── ⊰

Class 1-A was led to a secluded area away from the school building. It was basically a mini-city, but instead of buildings, there were a bunch of warehouses and a shit-ton of pipes and empty tanks.

“I am here!” Toshi fell from the sky, as he usually does, landing in front of the class. “Hope you’re ready to return to our lessons! Today, it’s hero basic training! Feels like I haven’t seen you in a while. Welcome back! Now then, listen carefully for what’s in store. We’re going to be conducting a little race. Take everything you’ve learned from your internships and apply it to this rescue training.”

“If it’s rescue training,” Iida’s bandaged arm shot up into the air. “Then shouldn’t we be at the USJ instead?”

“Ah! That facility specializes in disasters. As I said earlier, this is a race. So prepare!” Toshi grinned. “You’re about to step into field Gamma! Inside is an area full of factories that form an intricate labyrinth, so good luck finding your way around. You’ll be competing in groups of five. Each person starts from a different location on the outskirts of the model city. I’ll send a distress signal and you do what you must to rescue me! Whoever finds me first, wins! But try to keep the property damage to a bare minimum, please.” He sent a sharp look at Bakugo while pointing his finger directly at him.

Chief didn’t even try to be discreet with that shade.

Katsuki growled, glancing away. “Why are you pointing at me?”

“Alright! First group, to your places!”

Group one consisted of Zuku, Ojirou, Iida, Sero, and Ashido. The rest of us gathered around the large screen to watch the race. Kaminari frowned at the screen, his voice filled with worry. “Iida hasn’t completely recovered yet, right? He should sit this out!”

“Yeah,” Kirishima nodded. “And everyone in this group has really good mobility.”

“I’d say Midoriya’s at a heavy disadvantage against those four,” Momo commented.

“That’s what I think,” Kyouka agreed. “Moving around quickly isn’t exactly one of his strong suits, that’s for sure.”

Momo added, “And whenever he uses his powers, he always gets badly injured.”

I held back my smirk as my eyes met Shouto’s. That’s right, no one knows about how much my lil cinnabon has improved or how he can now use One for All with less drawbacks aside from Iida and Shouto. Man, their surprised faces are gonna be fucking priceless! I glanced at Katsuki’s back. I bet he’s not gonna be too happy, though.

“Who’s your pick?” Kirishima asked, glancing at Kaminari. “I’m betting on Sero!”

“Oh yeah~? Hmm, I’ve got odds on Ojirou.”

“I choose Ashido!” Mineta interjected. “‘Cause she’s got a super athletic body!”

Kat humphed. “I know Deku will be last.”

“Even if he’s still recovering, I think Iida’s got this one,” Ochaco commented, to which Tsu nodded in agreement.

Fumi glanced at me over his shoulder when I moved to stand behind him. “Who do you believe will win, Jen-san?”

“Zuku,” I responded without much thought, only to immediately regret it when Katsuki glared at me.

“Is everyone ready?” Toshi raised his hand, pressing the trigger button. “Begin!”

The five of them took off, using their quirks to propel themselves over obstacles and across pipes. Currently, Sero is in the lead.

“Look at him go!” Kirishima cheered. “In a maze like this, it makes sense to be above everything else!”

“So that means Sero’s at an advantage because he can take to the sky,” Shouji mused, using one of his fake mouths to talk. I wonder if he has a real mouth. That might explain why he always wears that face mask. Hmm~

A flash of green flashed across the screen, instantly grabbing my attention. I grinned proudly, throwing my arms around Fumi’s neck. With him standing at only five-foot-two, I was able to easily rest my chin against the top of his soft, feathery head. Come on, Zuku, show everyone how much you’ve grown!

“Woah! Midoriya?!” Kirishima, Kaminari, and Mineta chorused in disbelief.

“When could he do that?!” Kaminari exclaimed.

“Crazy… those jumps… he looks just like…”

A strong, angry aura rose around Katsuki as he stared at the screen, his hands shaking. I knew he wasn’t gonna take this well… I sighed deeply, turning my gaze back to the screen. Why’s he always gotta get all pissy every time Zuku makes the smallest bit of improvement? Zuku was jumping from pipe to pipe with ease, a strong green aura around his body. He’s doing so… well…

I sweatdropped when his foot slipped off the pipe, sending him flying to the ground. “Zuku, you fucking idiot…”

Fumi chuckled, patting my arm. “He almost took first place. His improvement is impressive.”

“And~ it’s over!” Toshi grinned as the group made it to him one after another. He handed over a sash to the winner, Sero, that said ‘Thanks for saving me’. Is this the fucking Miss USA pageant? “Thanks, hero, and congratulations!”

“Alright!” Sero put the sash on, a proud grin on his face while Ashido stomped her feet in annoyance.

Zuku was lying flat on his face, clearly distraught by his mistake while Iida kneeled beside him, “Uh, Midoriya, you’re okay, right?”

“Young Sero may have come in first, but compared to the start of the year, you all showed me some incredible improvements! Keep working and preparing for your upcoming final exams!”

My body stiffened. F-Final exams?! What? When the fuck are those? What’s on them? Is it a written exam? A fight? Oh Satan, I’m totally gonna fucking fail if it’s a written exam. I mean, I did pretty well on the entrance exam written test, but that’s only because Toshi gave me a crash course before the test! Now that I’ve been here for a while and been in class, there’s no way in hell he’ll help me again.

“Are you nervous?” Fumi questioned.

“What makes you think I’m nervous?” I muttered.

“You’re shaking me like a leaf in an Autumn breeze, Jen-san.”

“Oh, shit. Sorry, Fumi.” I released my grip, sending him a sheepish smile, which he returned with a warm one.

“Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll do well. Even if you don’t win the race, there’s no need to fret.”

“The race… right…” Fuck the race, I’m worried about the mother fucking exams!

“Group one, leave the field. You’re up, group two!” Toshi ordered.

Group two consisted of Kaminari, Fumi, Aoyama, Kyouka, and Shouto. Though it was a close one between Shouto and Fumi, Dark Shadow is just too damn powerful and adorable and Fumi ended up winning by half a second.

Group three consisted of Mineta, Katsuki, Sumo, Ochaco, and Shouji. It should be pretty fucking obvious that Kat won. He’s also still pissed off at me, if that glare is anything to go on.

Group four consisted of Kirishima, Toru, Mountain, Momo, and Tsu. Toshi decided to assign me to this group.

As we headed into the city, I threw my arm around Kirishima’s shoulder, earning a curious look. “You wanna try somethin’ with me, Kiri?”

He tilted his head. “What is it?”

“Let’s tie!” I grinned, holding up a finger. “I’ll carry you on my back while I race. Not only will we both win, but it’ll help me work on my strength.”

“I don’t know, Winchester.” He frowned, rubbing his arm. “There’s no way All Might would allow that.”

I clicked my tongue. “He never said it wasn’t allowed, did he? Besides, heroes are meant to work together to save people, right?”

He hummed, cupping his chin. “Yeah, that makes sense. Okay, let’s do it!”

“Cool. Go to your spot. As soon as the race begins, I’ll come nab ya, so be ready.”

“Got it!”

Kiri was sent to the top of an empty, circular tank while I started off on the ground. We ended up being on opposite ends with the rest of our group between us. Damn, I was hoping we’d be closer to each other. I’m gonna have to channel my inner Sanic for this one! I breathed out, squatting down as my blood began to boil within me.

“Are you ready~?” Toshi called. “Begin!”

I quickly turned my body to the left, launching myself into the air and propelling forward with flames beneath my boots. I could just faintly hear the murmurs of surprise from the class, but their words were just an illegible jumble from here. “Kiri!” I landed in front of him and he wasted no time jumping on my back. I pushed off the ground, running along the thick pipe connected to the tank.

“Yaoyorozu is in first place with Tsu close behind,” Kiri informed me, allowing me to focus on my footing.

I grinned, pushing my legs harder. “Not for long!” I jumped from the roof, using fire to propel my body forward. Come on, move faster! Kiri deserves to win! “Hey, Momo!” I yelled when I got close, startling her.

She was using a colorful parasail to fly through the air easily. Her head whipped around in surprise, eyes wide. “Jen, what -”

“Sorry!” My grin widened as I turned my body in mid-air so that my feet were slightly higher than my head. “Kiri, use harden!” I felt his weight increase on my back and I focused my power on my feet, large flames shooting from the bottom of my boots and propelling us forward like a mother fucking rocket. We shot past Momo, barreling straight toward a surprised Toshi.

Oh, wait… how the fuck do I land? My flames died and I reached out for the metal railing surrounding the roof, just barely managing to curl my fingers around it. Kiri lost his grip on me, shooting off my body and rolling across the rooftop. My body jerked backward as I flipped over the railing, my body hitting the roof and my fingers twisting painfully around the metal.

Okay… that could have gone a bit smoother…

Toshi was staring down at me in shock. No no, that’s fine. Don’t check on your students or anything to make sure they ain’t internally bleeding. I know I’m cool, Toshi, but get yo shit together, fam.

Momo landed between us, quickly unstrapping the parasail from her body, face covered with worry. “Are you two okay?”

Kirishima was on the other end of the roof on his stomach. He lifted his head with a grin, “That was… awesome!”

I was on my back, staring up at the azure sky as I lifted my hand to give her a thumbs up. “Totally tubular, yo.”

Momo smiled softly, shaking her head. “I can’t believe the two of you worked together like that.”

I forced myself into a sitting position, uncurling my fingers from the metal. They were throbbing but I don’t think they’re broken. I sent Toshi a grin, “Teamwork makes the dream work.”

Toshi finally snapped out of his shock, clearing his throat. “Congratulations young Jen, young Kirishima!”

Kirishima laughed happily, launching himself at me and wrapping his arms around my neck. I smiled warmly, ruffling his hair.

⊱ ────── {⋅. 🔥 .⋅} ────── ⊰

▸ Forward

📜 Read more by checking out my masterlist 📜

#rise above it #my hero academia #boku no hero academia #mha #bnha #anime #writing #writeblr #creative writing #scenario #scenarios #anime scenarios #anime scenario #first person #series

[damnedrainbows]

Motives

Hey guys, so my friend wrote a cute short but she’s too nervous to post it herself so I volunteered to post it for her! Give feedback on what you think of it!

A frustrated shout of “I’M OUTTA HERE!” rang throughout the Happy Hotel, punctuated by a demon slamming open the doors and storming out. The demon was short and lanky. His arms were decorated with clock-hand tattoos that pointed in all directions, and below his ghoulish head sat an absurdly big clock pendant.

          The Clock Demon whirled around to look at the Hotel’s unhappy inhabitants. "You said you'd be patient, and then your bitch comes in and threatens me with a spear after only five minutes!? Fuck you and your Fake-Ass Hotel!”

          The clock demon stomped away. Inside of the hotel, there was Angel Dust relaxing on a couch, although his face held an unusual expression of vexation as he stared down at his boots. Charlie was sitting at the bar, not drinking, but simply tracing her finger along the table. Between them was a guilty looking Vaggie. She was in a fighting stance, a spear clenched in her hands, but her posture was deflated as she watched the consequences of her hasty actions. She turned around to look at her girlfriend. "Charlie?"

           “It’s okay, Vaggie.” Charlie didn’t turn around or stop tracing the table, but her words were sincerely forgiving.

           Angel, on the other hand... “Wow, NICE goin’, ya fuckin’ idiot.”

          Vaggie whipped her head around to glare at him for a moment, but then stopped. “I just... got worried.” She turned back to Charlie. “You were in that room talking with him, and then I didn’t hear anything for a straight five minutes! I thought for sure he’d done something to you.”

          “No, it wasn’t that,” Charlie explained glumly, “I was trying to help him and his anger issues, and I thought that maybe meditating would work. That’s all.”

          “That guy’s got a worse temper than YOU, and THAT’S sayin’ somethin’!” Angel remarked to Vaggie, then paused. “Actually, on second thought, not that much.” Vaggie didn’t even bother to listen to him. Instead she went to a bar seat next to Charlie, setting her spear against the bar table.

          Suddenly, a monstrous-looking shadow appeared against the wall and nearly reached the ceiling. It was hunched over and grinning maliciously, and with it the atmosphere turned even darker inside the building. Charlie miserably buried her face in her arms on the table. It was only when Alastor materialized from the shadow that the darkness disappeared along with it.

           Instantly Vaggie grabbed her spear. “Not. Now.” She glared daggers at him, but he was absolutely unfazed. He simply had his hands folded behind his back and, of course, he was still bearing that perpetual smile. The smile that she really, really, really wanted to rip off of his face one day.

          Alastor glanced at the doors, which had now swung back closed after the demon flung them open. “Ah, good old Clockwork. It was good to see him again, even though he can’t see me!” He chuckled, his voice filtered, as if he were talking into a radio microphone. “Oh, how I would’ve loved to loom in his shadow as a little reminder that I’m around! But we can’t have that now, can we?” He smirked. Alastor knew full and well that he was not supposed to come out and terrorize any of the patrons in the hotel, and while he did concede, it didn’t mean he didn’t love trouble despite Charlie’s efforts to ward him off from evil and onto the good line.

           Angel quirked a brow, “You know that bastard?”

          “Oh, he and I go way back!” Alastor said with a wave of his hand. “He came down here not long after me, and it was simply FANTASTIC to torment him! Playing with time always plays with his mind~!”

          Alastor looked over to a miserable Charlie, and his smile twitched a little. “Oh, come now, Charlie! No need to be so down! We’re still starting out, aren’t we? It’s best that we got Clockwork out of here now than later because I can tell you, his annoying presence just isn’t worth the time!” He cackled, but not exactly evilly. It was a strange laugh nobody had heard from him before.

          There was a long period of silence before Angel finally spoke. “... Was that... was that some kinda joke, or somethin’?”

           “You win!” Alastor replied throwing his hands up in the air for added sarcasm.

          Vaggie just groaned and covered her eye with a hand. She turned to Charlie... and saw that she was shaking in an odd fashion. Like she was sobbing.

          “You see what you do?!” She growled at Alastor, then turned back to her girlfriend. “It’s gonna be okay, love. I promise—huh?”

          The Princess of Hell was still hiding her face and shaking, but now making odd noises at an alarmingly frequent rate.

          Vaggie gasped, dropping her spear and grabbing Charlie’s shoulder, shaking it. “Charlie? Are you alright? What’s wrong!?” Her voice was growing more and more panicked until, finally, Charlie lifted her head.

           “Isn’t worth the time!” She just managed to say it before cracking up laughing. Vaggie sat there; she did not see that coming.

          Nobody had, not even Alastor. He turned a little more towards her, his eyes lighting up. “You—you thought that was funny?” He asked, for once not hiding a feeling like disbelief.

          Charlie managed to just get her giggles under control and nodded at him, and the deer-demon’s normally devious grin widened with eagerness. “Well, I have hundreds more!” He practically cheered.

           And so it began...

           “Alright now Charlie, I want to ask you: how many apples come from trees?”

           “Um...”

           “ALL OF THEM!”

          Charlie almost doubled over. She tried and failed to muffle her laugher with her hand. Next to her, Vaggie couldn’t help but smile. “Of course...”

           “What do you get from a pampered cow?”

           “What?”

           “SPOILED MILK!”

          Charlie slammed her fist against the table, laughing so hard tears formed in her eyes. A thrilled-looking Alastor gave her a few moments to calm down—or at least calm down enough so they could get to one of his favorites.

           “Ooh, this is a good one! So Charlie, can February March?”

           Charlie barely suppressed her mirth. “I-I don’t know, can it?”

           “No, but APRIL MAY!” He cackled again and Charlie dissolved into silent laughter and wheezing.

          Vaggie rubbed her girlfriend’s heaving back, slightly amused at the situation (though she’d never admit it) but also highly shocked at it. She wasn’t surprised that her Charlie found these stupid jokes funny, but why was Alastor doing this? She had always been suspicious of his every move, and this was something entirely new.

          Vaggie shot a glance at Angel Dust and saw that he looked as baffled as her. And Alastor... well, incredibly, Charlie’s infectious laughter had gotten to him as well, and he was slightly bending forward, resting one hand on the bar table and holding the other to his twig-thin stomach as he laughed.

           She couldn’t believe it. Alastor was genuinely laughing after having cheered up Charlie.

          Alastor was a clever and manipulating demon who loved to get reactions out of others. That was established within five minutes after he entered the Hotel for the first time to offer backup. There always something behind what he said, there was always sadistic glee upon causing disarray. Any sort of offer for the slightest positive feeling was always twisted into what Alastor always wanted—agony and terror.

          That was always what Vaggie believed ever since she’d heard about him. But when she looked at him ecstatically laughing and joking with Charlie, all she could think of was: nobody would be able to fake this.

          After another minute or so the two finally managed to calm down. Charlie still burst into giggles here and there, but soon she was able to speak. “Oh, that—that was amazing.”

           Sure was... Vaggie thought, watching as Alastor firmly cleared his throat and straightened up.

          “So, what’s next, may I ask?” The radio filter in his voice was prominent again after having faded during his comedy routine—something everyone realized after the fact.

          “I... um...” Charlie looked away, her smile vanishing. For the next moment everyone was silent, not really having any idea on how to answer.

          “Well, that’s alright!” Alastor shrugged. “Just let me know when you get your next idea~.” He was about to saunter back into his growing shadow and vanish, but stopped when Charlie called out to him. “Wait!”

           She jumped off of her seat and hurried over to him, at which he tilted his head and quirked his smile questioningly.

           Charlie’s smile was back, but it was softer. “Thank you. I really needed that.”

          There was a brief change in Alastor’s face that Vaggie had seen before. It was right when he’d first come to the Hotel, and she almost impaled him with her spear. During that moment, with the tip of the spear pressing into his neck, his eyes had widened for a brief second before he recomposed himself without having to move a muscle. She had surprised him in that brief moment, and now Charlie had done the same thing.

           Albeit this time the cause of the surprise was entirely different than before.

          After a second, Alastor shrugged again. “Well, we can’t have the leader of this place falling apart, now can we?” With a casual wave goodbye, he vanished into the darkness.

           So, that was what he was doing. Vaggie thought. He’d cheered Charlie up so she could keep everything up and running. He still had an ulterior motive. Of course.

           But, even so, Vaggie couldn’t shake the belief that the joy and the laughter had been completely real.

          Charlie came back to her seat next to Vaggie and hugged her. Despite her confusion, Vaggie couldn’t help smiling and returning it. At least her princess was happy again.

           “... So, anybody have any idea what the fuck just happened?” Angel Dust asked, quirking a brow.

          “I need a damn drink.” Husk muttered, having been behind the bar this whole time and watching this strange occurrence unfold.

#hazbin hotel #alastor #charlie hazbin hotel #vaggie #angel dust #hazbin hotel fanfic

[raynertodd]

Fic: Oh Brother (2/6)

Jason decides to go to college. He thinks South Carolina is far enough away from Gotham that his family will leave him alone. He’s wrong.

(or: 5 times Jason’s brothers visit him at college and one time Bruce comes too)

(This started as a ‘what if Jason gave up the superhero life and went to college’ fic and turned into a sort-of crossover with the All For The Game series when I started thinking about Jason at Palmetto and how good he could be at Exy. Mostly though, this is about Jason and his family. )

Part 1

Read on AO3

*

Jason is blissfully left alone after Dick’s visit. They call, and he texts back to let them know he’s alive.

His first game with the Foxes is at home. They win, but it’s close and rough and everything Jason hoped Exy would be.

He doesn’t miss the awed looks on his teammates faces when he flips over his opponents with ease during the game. It’s his impressive vertical leap that makes him so effective on the field, combined with his analytical mind predicting other players moves making him an almost unstoppable defensive player. It’s definitely not what Bruce and Talia had in mind when they trained him, but Jason is nothing if not adaptable.

He’s slow to change out after the game. He takes his time in the showers, letting the hot water pound into his tired muscles. There aren’t many of his teammates left in the changerooms when Jason finally emerges from the shower. Neil approaches him, the co-captain already fully changed.

“There’s someone waiting for you outside,” Neil says. Jason’s face falls into a frown, already cataloguing which member of his family it could be. “Said his name was Tim, that he was your brother?” The last part comes out as a question. Jason thinks he intimidates Neil. Funny, because Neil is the only one on the team that Jason considers a real threat.

“Fucking replacement,” Jason says under his breath, then turns to Neil. “Thanks, I’ll be out soon.”

Neil nods and leaves. Jason begrudgingly finishes getting dressed and heads out.

“Replacement,” he greets his brother. “What brings you to South Carolina?” He tries to keep his tone light for the sake his teammates milling about, but he knows Tim can see the rage in his eyes.

“I had a meeting today for WE,” Tim shrugs. “Thought I’d stick around to check out your game. Nice dye-job, by the way.”

“How convenient,” Jason rolls his eyes, ignoring the last comment..

“Jason,” Matt calls over to them. “We’re getting food at the diner, you coming? Bring your brother!”

“I am kind of hungry,” Tim says, looking to his brother for permission.

Jason studies Tim for a moment, then says, “fuck it,” and tells Matt that they’ll meet the group at the diner.

The rest of his team get there first, so Jason and Tim join their table. It’s a booth, which is a nightmare for strategic positioning, but he doesn’t bring attention to it. He simply slides in next to Neil, letting Tim take the outside seat.

Matt looks at him, expectantly. It takes Jason a moment to realise they’re waiting for an introduction.

“This is Tim,” he says. “Tim, the team.”

“Is this another brother?” Dan asks with a grin.

“Sure am,” Tim matches her expression. “It’s so nice to meet all of Jason’s friends.”

“Do you have any embarrassing baby photos? Or stories? He hasn’t told us anything,” Nicky prompts.

Tim hesitates, looking to Jason.

“We’re adopted. Tim didn’t come along until after I di- moved out,” Jason says flatly, hoping no one noticed his hasty correction. “We only really met a few years ago. I suppose Dick has some photos from when we were younger, but he wasn’t around that much.”

“Huh,” Matt says, processing the information.

“That doesn’t mean I don’t have any embarrassing photos, though,” Tim breaks the tense silence, pulling out his phone. He scrolls through his camera roll, his face lighting up when he reaches what he was looking for. “Our younger brother has a lot of pets. Whenever Jason visits, they follow him everywhere and it drives Damian mad.”

Tim passes around his phone, showing the group photos of Jason in various rooms of the manor looking like Snow White with Damian’s cat, dog, and - in one case - cow trailing behind him.

Dan, Nicky and Alison find the photos hilarious. “Please send me a copy of these,” Alison says, her eyes locked on Tim.

“Gladly,” Tim smirked.

“It’s like having another Steph,” Jason despairs, then turns to Tim with wide eyes. “Don’t even think about introducing them. It’s been nice having some peace and quiet.”

“Who’s Steph?” Nicky asks.

“Tim’s ex-girlfriend.”

“She’s also best friends with our sister, Cass.”

“How many siblings do you have?” Renée asks. “Jason doesn’t talk about your family.”

“It’s a complicated family,” Tim shrugs. “Dick’s the oldest, then Jason. Cass is the next oldest, but I was adopted first. Damian’s the youngest and Bruce has recently taken in Duke, who is older than Damian but younger than me.”

The group seem satisfied with Tim’s answer and quickly move on to talk about the rest of the Exy season. Later, when the group starts to disperse, Tim gets a chance to talk to Jason alone.

“I hope you can come to another game, Tim,” Alison says.

Tim looks to Jason to gauge his reaction. “I’d like to, but I don’t when I’ll be able to. Between school and work I don’t get a lot of free time.”

“You could make it a family trip - we’d love to meet the other brothers, and your sister,” she continues.

“That’s not a good idea,” Jason says.

“Y’know Bruce has been saying he wants to come to a game,” Tim says slowly.

“That’s a terrible idea.”

“Which I why I talked him out of coming today,” Tim nods.

Jason looks at him strangely. “Thanks.”

“But he won’t stay away forever,” Tim continues. “And I know Dick wants to come back - I think even Damian misses you, even if he’d never admit it.”

“Demon spawn misses me?” Jason scoffs. “Have you hit your head recently, Replacement?”

The rest of the team make their way outside, seeming to sense the tension between the brothers.

Tim looks at Jason expectantly.

“Bruce knows I don’t want to see him, why do you think I’m in South fucking Carolina?” Jason tries and fails to keep his voice down. “If I wanted to talk to him, I know where to find him.” Tim opens his mouth to speak but Jason cuts him off in a low voice, his Red Hood voice. “Don’t think I don’t know that you’re keeping tabs on police records around here too. I know he doesn’t trust me, but I haven’t broken his goddamn rule and I don’t appreciate you and Dick checking up on me.”

“Jason-” Tim starts.

“No,” Jason cuts him off. “We’re done talking about this. You can stay the night if you need to, but if you bring up Bruce again I will not hesitate to show you exactly why people fear the Red Hood.”

“Okay,” Tim nods. “Duly noted.”

#jason todd #tim drake #batfamily #all for the game #my fanfiction

[championdemonhunter]

Champion: Demon Hunter, Chapter Three

You Are…

By next morning, Kasmira, Vasilisa, Nessarose, and Michael arrived back at the manor of Black Moon, the group laughing hysterically as jokes and old stories were passed around. Mihaita stood on the front porch, a cup of coffee in hand and a faint smile on his lips. Michael threw his head back in laughter, only to double over as Kasmira told a blatantly dirty joke, causing the other two women to break into hysterics along with him. Kasmira shook her head, a dazzling grin on her features, until she met Mihaita’ gaze.

All smiles fell, the group silenced when they noticed the bruised abdomen, the busted lip, his swollen cheek and black eye. Kasmira tilted her head, crossing her arms. Mihaita shrugged and cracked a smile ever so slightly. “Care to explain, my lovely father, why you look like you’ve been through hell and back in the timespan of three days?”

“Oh, you know, just another day of enemies popping up like daisies.” Mihaita shrugged, taking a sip of coffee. He shifted his gaze to Michael, raising a brow in curiosity. “You are?”

The man cleared his throat, reaching out his hand. “Michael, sir. Michael Winslow.”

Mihaita shook his hand, a mischievous smile on his features. “Do you win things slow?”

“Funny, sir.” Michael grunted, humored but never irritated. “You must be the legendary Teyrn Mihaita de Russo.”

Vasilisa smacked her forehead. “Old man, you are about as funny as a piece of lettuce sometimes.”

“I’ve heard lamer jokes,” Nessarose cut in, flatly. “That one was bearable.”

Mihaita gave Vasilisa a pointed look, then shook his head. “At least I’m something tasty.”

Kasmira’s eyes widen, giving her father a petrified glare. “You are an idiot. You just gave her permission without even saying the words.”

Vasilisa grinned deviously, sliding the smile and a lustful stare to Mihaita. “Either way, I think you’d be delicious.”

“What?” Michael grunted, slowly becoming more and more confused. He then looked to Nessarose. “Is it always like this?”

Casually, she shrugged, “More often than not. But, on the other hand, it makes for a good time.”

Kasmira shook her head, shoving her hands into her pockets. “Anyways, father, would you like to explain, now?”

Mihaita smiled tightly. “It was right after we signed the peace treaty…”

Three Days Prior

Mihaita found himself on the railing of Kasmira’s balcony, Silviu beside him. The advisor glared at him as the shouts of enemies bellowed behind them. “We couldn’t, oh I don’t know, used a secret passageway or perhaps a door? But, no. You want to jump. From the third story.”

“Yeah.” Mihaita exclaimed carelessly. “Any objections?”

“Yeah! A huge one! Sorry not sorry, Teyrn,” Silviu snapped incredulously. “You are insane!”

“What’s the point in life if there’s no adventure?” He shot back. “Especially the ones where you’re fighting to live?”

The door to Kasmira’s room started to crack from the enemy warriors repetitive attempts to break it down, the wood finally giving way and breaking in half. Mihaita and Silviu looked back as they poured into the room and raised their weapons. Mihaita pushed Silviu unexpectedly, the advisor flailing. “Jump!”

Mihaita followed a second after as bullets sprayed above him. He hit the ground, rolling and tumbling onto a knee. Bullets flew by him, embedding into the ground. He made a mad dash for the front of the manor, catching up to Silviu with ease. They rounded the corner, only for Mihaita to pull the advisor back and push him against the wall beside him as they were shot at again. Silviu glared at him passively, shaking his head.

“I take my previous statement back.” He grumbled. “You are about as sane as a mental patient.”

Mihaita simply shrugged and tackled the warrior to the ground, slugging him with a punch straight to the nose and disarming him.

Present Time

The group looked at Mihaita with expressions ranging from utter disbelief to complete normalcy. Kasmira shrugged, stepping onto the porch and taking her fathers coffee. “You know who sent them?”

“If I told you,” He sighed, taking his coffee back after she took a sip. “You wouldn’t like the answer.”

“You know,” Nessarose commented. “We’re not five. I think we can handle it.”

“Sir, if there’s a target on your back, then maybe it’s best to know so we could better protect you.” Michael chimed, crossing his arms over his chest. Vasilisa kept her silence, but the scowl on her profile reflected all the death threats ringing in her mind.

“Fine, fine.” Mihaita breathed out, leaning against the column. “They were warriors from Astarot’s pack.”

Kasmira tilted her head, a blank expression crossing her features. “Huh, well. I guess he finally snapped, aye?”

“We all know he’s ruthless. We shouldn’t undermine his warriors if it took as long as it did for our clan to fight them.” Vasilisa said grimly, meeting Mihaita’ stern gaze. “I think it’s time you let me train them.”

Mihaita nodded once, letting the silence wash over the group. Michael cleared his throat, catching their full attention. “Teyrn Mihaita, if you don’t mind, I’d like to stay and help fight along with all of you and help where I can.”

An accepting nod only given, Mihaita cracked a humored grin. “No need for formalities, kid. It’s the weekend. It doesn’t really count.”

Vasilisa snorted. “Says the one that says we must always conduct ourselves with dignity and pride at all times.”

“And then throws a glitter filled molotov near a bonfire and screams-” Nessarose continued, Kasmira and Vasilisa smiled deviously.

“Eat my pixie dust, you mouth breathing cow herders!” They chimed in perfect harmony, causing Mihaita to groan and turn his gaze away. Michael gaped at them with disbelief in his eyes.

“Then ran away, stripping as he did.” Kasmira finished, taking another sip of her father’s drink.

“No, no. I don’t believe that.” Michael muttered hesitantly. His eyes darted between the four beings, finally looking to Vasilisa for confirmation. Before she could respond eagerly, Mihaita snapped his attention to her.

“In all fairness,” He growled, glaring heatedly at her. “Someone, made me a mixed drink that was more alcohol than anything else and then said,” He turned his affronted gaze to Michael. “And I quote, ‘Go wild, hot stuff.’”

Vasilisa simply shrugged and grinned impishly. “He did as I commanded and that made my night even more perfect.”

Kasmira slowly shook her head. “I didn’t, however, need to see my father butt-ass naked.”

She made a face of disgust, shuddering slightly. Nessarose and Vasilisa sighed dreamily, their eyes scanning over Mihaita’ form.

“I could totally see that again.” Vasilisa breathed out softly. Mihaita and Kasmira glanced to her, startled.

“Please, no.” They muttered in unison.

“Anyways,” Mihaita clapped his hands together once for emphasis, turning to Vasilisa. “Give Michael a quick tour of the manor before you fill out mission reports.”

“I can do that.” She laughed lowly, grabbing Michael’s hand and causing him to shake off his confused daze. Mihaita turned to Nessarose, who bowed respectfully and marched off.

“Ten steps ahead of you. Reports and take a nap.”

Finally, Mihaita turned to Kasmira. She glanced at him, then leaned against the other column. “They were possessed. Three of the guards and Teyrn Kannn himself. After I found Michael, telling him to run back to his clan, I headed straight for Kannn.” She gingerly touched the side of her face, her tongue running across her busted bottom lip. “When I did, it was odd.”

“What do you mean ‘odd’?”

Kasmira tilted her head, pulling out her pack of cigarettes. “As odd as normal, dad.” She lit her cigarette after handing Mihaita one, passing the lighter. She drew in the sweet vanilla and raspberry smoke, looking to the Teyrn with concern. “He acted like he knew something I didn’t. I don’t know if it was the demon that took over him or him.”

“Like what?”

Kasmira gazed down to her feet, taking a drag of her cigarette. She fidgeted with her baggy blue and white flannel shirt, that was buttoned halfway and revealed a white sports brazier and paired with black leggings and combat boots. Mihaita turned fully to her, concern etched into his features. He waited patiently, sitting down on the top step of the porch. Kasmira sighed, finally, sitting down and meeting his concerned gaze. “Our first night in Daeprada, I had this dream.”

Mihaita nodded, taking a drag of his cigarette. “Go on.”

Kasmira breathed out slowly. “I know what happened was real. I know that it happened a very long time ago. I just want to know who it was.”

“Explain what happened and I’ll give you the answers you need.” He said solemnly, flicking the butt of his cigarette into the ashtray.

“In the dream, I was in the bathtub. There was someone else with me. A woman. And-” Kasmira looked down, contemplating on how to play the words. “She had her hand on my chest, pushing me down. I dare say she almost succeeded, if it wasn’t for someone barging through the door and removing her from the bathroom, removing me from the tub.”

When she finished speaking, she pulled her knees closer to her, resting her chin upon them. Mihaita sighed heavily, running a hand through his hair, a perplexed expression on his profile. “When you were four, I had remarried. Your mom passed away when you were an infant, shortly after you were born. Heart complications. After a couple years, I met someone. I was still actively part of your life, obviously. I couldn’t not be in your life, your my baby girl. You were being looked after by a nursemaid and my advisor at the time pushed me to go out and find someone. Simply put, I worked a lot and gave no time for anything else except for you.”

Mihaita glanced to her, then cast his gaze out to the yard and the setting sun. Kasmira watched him as the memories played in his eyes. “I met a woman and she was unique. Exquisite.”

“A mistake and that is apparent.” Kasmira commented quietly, picking up his coffee cup and downing the rest of it. “What happened?”

Mihaita scoffed. “Things got serious. We knew everything about each other. Two years later, we were engaged and she had moved in. Then, I don’t know. I started noticing some things about her that were just- off.” He shook his head, resting his elbows on his thighs as he leaned forward. “It turns out she was medically certified insane. One day, after dinner, you made a mess and I was about to go run a bath for you and she offered. I was hesitant, but she was my fiancee. I had learned to trust and I was supposed to trust her.” He trailed off, dropping his head to his head. “Then we heard your struggles and the water hitting the floor. So, we rushed up the stairs as fast as we could. One of the guards at the time busted down the door, the three of them rushing her and dragging her out of the bathroom. Finally, I got to you. You were barely conscious. I had done respiratory procedures and rushed you off to the doctors. That’s when I learned she had drugged you also.”

“What was her name?” Kasmira spoke softly, causing her father to cast a tender gaze onto her. He smiled tightly, standing and holding out his hand for her.

“Asa.” He replied gruffly. “Her name was Asa.”

Astarot, a rugged man with messily mused burgundy crimson hair, a sharp sloping jaw, ice blue eyes that rested upon soft cheekbones. His muscular build traveled down to lean hips and powerful sturdy legs. He had locked himself in his study for the past few days, going through reports and, just every once in a while, letting his thoughts consume him.

For years, Astarot has held a grudge against Mihaita. After their fight over Lana, his brother’s and his mother, he had left without a word. Part of him believed the fight should never had happened. On the other hand, things happen for a reason. You are who you are when all starts to fail. You do the best you can to drag the ones you loathe to the depths of hell with you.

His advisor, Chester, knocked cautiously at the grand oak door before opening and stepping through the doorway. “Sire?”

“Aye, Chester?” Astarot muttered lowly, never glancing up from the reports on his desk. THe reports themselves were several days old, yet, yet he hasn’t done anything about them. Sighing, he lifted his gaze to look his adviser in the eyes. “What is it?”

“I was just bringing in new reports.” Chester cleared his throat, making his way across the study. “One of the warriors you sent out a few days ago, returned yesterday. Seems Mihaita took pity on him and got answers out of him. I also received word that Kasmira has returned from her mission. A bad Teyrn righteously removed from the playing field.”

Astarot dropped to his chair, raising his brows curiously. “Then our warrior did what was needed and Mihaita did what I had expected. Readable old fool.” Astarot chuckled, shaking his head. “What’d the poor bastard do?” He laughed gruffly, turning his seat just slightly and propping his feet on his desk. He clasped his hands together and rested them on his lap. Chester sighed heavily and took a seat opposite of Astaroth.

“From word of mouth,” He pursed his lips together and then shifted his gaze from his Teyrn to the bay window behind him. “Teyrn Kann, Sire, supposedly sold his soul and damned his clan. From our spy over there, demons accompanied him everywhere he went and, well, he was abusing his people.”

He let his stern gaze rest on Astarot, who had raised his brows in wary surprise now. “Hm. Well. I’ll give her that. It’s an oath to be a Teyrn within this realm. It’s a duty to care for your people and strive with them. I may be their enemy in the dark, but I pity the fool who decides to go against the realms laws. Then, you’d have to face the real big bad wolf that lurks in the dark.”

Chester tilted his head to the side, furrowing his brows. “Kasmira? You’re afraid of her?”

Astarot paused and slid an irritated smile to the adviser, humor flashing in his eyes. “Afraid of her? No. Respect her? Of course. I’ve seen what she can do up close. I’ve seen the training she went through when we were growing up. I wouldn’t even dare cross her. For I don’t harbor a grudge against her.”

“Training?” Chester mused softly. He went silent for a moment, as if considering a great deal in that moment. “But you harbor one for Mihaita. Correct?”

“Aye.” Astarot turned his icy blue gaze to the window, raising a hand to scratch his scuff covered jaw. “Just one day. It’s all it will take.”

“And here I thought your demons were almost defeated, my Teyrn.” He muttered matter-of-factually, rolling his eyes. Astarot chuckled robustly, shaking his head.

“They might be tucked away deep down in my structure, laying dormant in some rapture, but they have yet to be conquered.”

[blondfishbish]

Weird Shit My Friends Have Said With Zero Context

"You are an in innocent little slut." "Dab party." "Sloth-looking uniboob bitch." "I am the housewife, fuck." "My precious child, Satan." "Bow before my technology." "See, I didn't think about that because I am inconsiderate." "I'm just trying to show that I'm interested even though I'm not." "There are no stars-" "Because they're all in your eyes." "Gay." "How the hell did you get off to a bad start with the neighbors?" "They're aliens I swear." "I look like a discount Harry Potter." "Twas pretty gooch." "I am a bad millennial." "Trust no one but have fun." "I don't mean to be the mom friend yes I do." "Please don't bring the Kardashians into my classroom, they shouldn't exist." "This is a Möbius strip of fuckitude." "I just work here." "Entirely my fault but that does not mean I won't fuck up again." "I think I pretty much am a golden retriever." "Where do you sleep?" "There's a fridge." "I'm gonna drop it -five.... four... three... two... one." "Reflexes like a cat." "She gave you a count down." "They're kinda fucked up in the head so they named him George." "Hold onto your gravy, it's gonna be a bumpy ride." "One two three four, I declare a thumb war." "It's not a war if I submit." "My choices are poor and my wallet is poorer." "I enjoy the name 'Poog.'" "How about you drink a nice tall glass of shut the hell up." "This bitch just called me an ogre." "Where do you think I get my peanut brittle from?" "A dead guy." "I'm always mad. I'm a tiny little ball angry." "Yellow." "Blue -what are we doing." "What'd you say? Debbie Dick? Who's Debbie?" "There's a demon in you." "Yeah, I named him Hector." "High school puppy love." "Puppies?" "That is a very tall and skinny child." "I've seen taller and skinnier." "You are a worldly child." "Fuck, she's dead." "Why does it say blue?" "It's -its blue." "I'm not her keeper." "You're her mother." "So?" "Why do I jump straight to putting people in graves." "My milkshake needs to bring all the boys to the yard." "But I'm lactose intolerant." "I knew it was a bad idea but I did it anyways. You know why? Because I don't care." "I don't want to be over the hill, I want to be under it. Bury me already." "I want donuts." "You know what, Emily? You don't get fucking donuts." "You're my donut." "Thanks man." "What's your character?" "I don't know, black?" "I have a knack for order of operations." "Here's the thing: we have a lot of oreos." "Who even is this guy?" "Don't you fuckin' wink at me you bitch." "I want my skin to feel as if it's on fire." "I'm upsetti spaghetti." "That's my favorite meal." "I am the spawn point." "Saying that I woke up early implies that I went to sleep, which would be incorrect." "Fuck me up with a chicken stick." "I know you're an asshole, but try to be less of an asshole." "Nick is Arabic for dick." "Actually I'm pretty sure dick is Arabic for dick." "Guys, don't try to confuse me it's too easy." "I fixed my syntax you bitch." "Who cares, life is pointless." "I guess you've never seen the original Icelandic play, but he's actually a blue elf." "Is this you telling me you're gonna slit my throat again because that wasn't appreciated the first time around." "I never want to see you again." "Then gouge your fucking eyes out." "I dab unironically." "I'm going to injure you." "What?" "I'm going to injure you." "You're going to eat me?" "No." "What'd you say?" "I said I'm going to injure you." "How?" "Violently." "Everything went black." "Racist." "Did you just assume that all black people are bad?" "No, I assumed that all black people are black." "You whore." "I'll attach mine back on." "That's really creepy." "What the fuck do I give about a salad." "Never mind, this is Ben, the fuck up." "You have a great face for drag." "Do you know what cookie it was? It tastes like a snickerdoodle." "Then was it maybe a fucking snickerdoodle?" "I'm trying to be fancy and you're on me." "She just wants to feel close to you." "Yeah, well feel close to me somewhere else." "Is he cute?" "No, he's white." "I have a mind like a steel trap; a steel trap corroded by time and weather." "Is that a unit of measure?" "No, that's a unit of fuck you." "You whore." "Actually, the proper term is prostitute." "But you don't get paid." "Do I need to?" "Dude, you just kicked her in the wrist." "I used to win burping contests all the time in middle school." "That is the nerdiest thing I have ever heard." "What? I was short and chubby and I wasn't particularly good at anything." "Hey, you've got shit coming out of you." "I dropped my phone on the most significant part of my pinky toe." "Am I the only one not wearing pants?" "Someone undress me." "I'm coming in hot, Bean." "I am a bad habit." "Give me your nipple." "If you get to cheat on me, I get to pinch your nipple." "Those hamsters are not having a good time." "Who even likes oats -oh. Dragons." "Why is he wearing shorts?" "He defies the gods." "He's gay. The gods don't want him." "Are you a whale or a bird?" "... I'm a dolphin." "I punched a cup." "Why do you... why do you have a cactus?" "Because I'm Mexican and we eat cactuses." "I promptly prescribe my biggest fuck you in the ass to be taken immediately." "Ow, that would be painful." "Wow, it's almost like it's a fucking knife." "Your ass. Do with it what you will." "It's a reminder not to do bad things and then I do bad things while looking at it and feel guilty." "No, officer, I do not have a burger in my purse." "I know my limits but I do not adhere to them." "We're here, we're queer, and we're just gonna go play some video games." "Fuck home, let's go to Mount Scott." "What?" "Huh? Nothing." "Jenesais pa." "Pa." "I'm always a slut for nuggies." "Ye." "I'm gonna get to go home and you -we don't know what's going to happen to you but we're going to assume it's bad." "Your shadow is suspicious." "You drive with your feet and while looking at your phone." "So? I don't see a problem with that." "Were you throwing my own Cheetos at me?" "Great, now I have peanut butter in my wound." "We can't have a soup party, Jenna." "When's our friendaversary?" "We don't have one, fuck you." "Who the fuck let the cows out." "Do you have your socks on? Because I'm about to knock them off." "It's like they literally want me to crush their body with my car." "If you're gonna rearend my car then just end me." "I don't even have pockets." "You're wearing cargo pants." "Shut up." "That was a lot of thrusting." "This is a sleepy bean. They're rare and I caught one." "Did you just refer to your vagina as Sadness and Despair." "You keep hitting me in the nose." "That's because your nose is huge." "You're such a grouchy old man." "Yes. I've been practicing." "I pledge allegiance to the flag of rock." "I am a rabbit punch." "Peanut butter is a natural ointment." "That's the wrong animal." "Peanut butter's not even an animal." "Yes." "Too many skeletons, too many closets, and I don't know where they all are." "I just burped up apples, I'm a fucking unicorn." "There's a McDonalds statue." "Otherwise known as our god." "You got chicken in my purse." "I think I just twisted my ankle galloping in here like a knight on a white horse." "What are you doing?" "I think I broke a nail." "Okay? But why are you holding onto me?" "I need balance." "Never have I ever fought a child." "You're about to." "You just head butted my Pokéball." "Fuck, man, I was sniffing that." "I'm too small to be filled with this much rage." "It's not polite to be a little bitch either, y'know, but here you are." "Is it hazing?" "No, it's friendship." "I have no clue how to start anything but fires and fistfights." "Where are we going?" "You know, if I knew I would tell you." "Tyler, I'm sorry." "Apologize later when I'll forgive you." "Can I get back on the bench? I've got one butt cheek off." "Why are you guys such nerds? " "Why are you such a fucking dick?" "I dunno know, daddy issues?" "How about you eat my ass -wait no, that's weird. How about you eat your own ass." "Hey guess what, dumbass? My car smells like fucking chicken." "You know she smokes cigarettes with eyebrows like that." "You're our teacher." "Okay, listen up assholes." "You -I -huegh." "He's like the height of chewbacca." "I'm being a desperate penis, okay?" "If she wants to be a murderer..." "You don't have any friends here, everyone wants to either see you beat or leave." "You're gonna get fucked by splooge that's disgusting." "You made a cake for yourself?" "Yeah, it's called being lonely." "He did not calculate the trajectory of how he was going to eat shit." "I don't pray." "To Lima beans yes you do." "Shut up, I'm praying to the good lord Lima Bean." "It's because of my scintillating conversation topics." "Ew I don't like that word, don't say that ever again." "... conversation?" "I didn't water my parsley! I'm upset." "We express things differently in Bean Town." "The squirrel thought your throw was embarrassing." "Moral of the story: finish making your Mac and Cheese, don't hide in the corner, the Babadook isn't real, don't watch the fuckin movie." "Did you just backhand a balloon?" "Karma doesn't exist, life just sucks." "In spirit I am a Great Dane. And you are a chihuahua." "Is that an onion?" "Yep." "Okay." "My stripper name is Borris." "That's like cheetahs without legs." "Why would you want a fish? They can't even talk." "I think you scuffed my loafers." "Somewhere in the two and a half hour movie, I'm gonna have to pee." "Weak." "I'm old and have the bladder of a small child. I make no excuses." "Trust me, if my expectations were any lower we'd all need to be worried about a serious self-esteem issue."