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#cptsd

coming to terms with and processing trauma is difficult. it’s hard to be forced to confront and experience bottled-up grief and distress.

but for me, in the place i am in now, where i am safe and in the company of people i’m finally learning to trust — coming to terms with trauma has also been something i’ve found personally empowering. it has meant challenging the voice that says “it wasn’t that bad” not only because it’s wrong, but because that voice continues with “it wasn’t that bad, you’re just terrible/lazy/immoral.” it means allowing myself the sense of internal justice, understanding and care that comes from seeing that i have reasons for being, and i can help myself grow. 

there’s anger, and grief, and stress, and anxiety, sure. but for me there’s also that powerful sense of gathering up all my pieces, holding them in my arms and saying “we won’t be hurt like that again. we are worthy of protection. we will keep ourselves safe.”

we are building the ground we stand on, and it’s starting to feel like stability.

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Trail cams have been added to the compound. He’s in the woods watching us and I’m fucking terrified. Do you know what its like to never feel safe? Even in your own home?

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again, it’s either no sleep and no nightmares or sleep and nightmares. being at the edge and over it every day bc of the images I see, the feelings I re-experience, is tearing me down and apart.

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CW: intrusive thoughts, medical abuse

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My intrusive thoughts have been out the wazoo. They’ve never been this terrible or this freqent but they have been building up over the past two and a half years. A little less today though thankfully. I envy people with ones that aren’t that fucked up. Like I saw a meme about someone with ones about shoving leaves on the ground into their mouth and part of me laughed but part of me rolled my eyes so hard. What I wouldn’t give. I really don’t want to be that person though, cause like the truth is if those thoughts are frequent enough even relatively tame instrusive thoughts can drive a person up the wall.

In other news I accidentally raged myself partly out of my near-constant dissociation. We got fleas again even after doing a bombing and that sucks but that’s not a reason to get that mad but it was this tipping point on top of everything awful that’s ever happened to me, everything awful that’s happenING to me, and everything awful that likely will happen bc of my health and the nightmare that is the mental health and disability system. I yelled really, really fucking loud a few times and cursed God (later apologized tho) and cried. Now I feel kind of slightly part of the real world again. Like definitely still dissociated but a little less so. Anyway we bombed the house again just hoping it fucking works this time because the scars from the last flea bites I got like a month ago are still on my skin. I am genuinely concerned about that level of rage I can experience though. Like when I’m there it’s 0-60 and I literally have to let it out because it’s either yell or punch myself in the head. There’s just been too much trauma, it can’t fit in me. I’m even getting annoyed now thinking about how people probably think it’s like some run-of-the-mill fucking shit instead of piles and piles and piles of years of horror stories. I’m not trying to prove anything, I just want to be believed that it really is bad enough. And I’m scared that one day I’ll black out and something monstrous from all of it will come out. I try not to think about it and just get through the day. It’s better when I have things to do when I can do them.

Been trying really hard to be a better Christian. To have more faith that I can make it. The real world and my life are so at odds with this though. I’m up against so much physically, emotionally, socially, legally. I hope I can get off the AOT. It depresses the shit out of me being trapped on it, it just makes me worse. I didn’t want to bring it up today but I’m going to next month with my doctor. I’m really scared bc if she doesn’t help get me off it idk who will bc she’s retiring next year. She’s still a psychiatrist but she’s not the worst. I’ve had some really terrible ones, bc most psychiatrists are terrible. And whoever I get I’ll be mandated to see and they could not only insist I still need to be on the AOT even tho I don’t and it isn’t helping at all, but try to force me on more meds that do nothing except give side effects. My hope and long term goal is that I can get off it so I can eventually move to Connecticut and be far from the abusive hospitals around here that have my old misdiagnoses in the charts, bc I’ll be abused again eventually based off that when one day I get hospitalized again for something medical, and possibly even committed again to Rockland, which could end up keeping me for life like I’ve seen them do to people who don’t do well in there (although I’ve never seen anyone actually do well in there but I mean the people who get abused the worst in institutions). I’ll have to be away from doctors that I really adore like my primary and chiro and PTs but two good doctors I know are in CT also, and I can eventually find some that are at least decent.

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Person I know: *always expresses gratitude about all the support they get when they’re struggling*

That same fucking person: *tries to relate by saying “same” or that they know the feeling when I express struggles with lacking support network*

Hate it when people try to relate to my trauma but then turn around to express experiencing the opposite in the same breath

Fuck off

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I have so much anger inside of me. I’ve been treated so badly and misunderstood for so long. I was just a child. I deserved to be looked after, I deserved to have my emotions validated. I didnt deserve to be told I was crazy… I didnt deserve to be laughed at and mocked for just being a child.

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Dear little D,

You’ve been painfully lonely lately. When I think back I can still feel that burden on my chest. You always thought that after elementary school things would get better. Instead of your friends you will take some of your biggest bullies with you. And they won’t spare you anything. They will group up on you, steal your keys, they will laugh at you, they will show up at your house, they will stalk you on social media, and what not. You will have to lock yourself in a bathroom stall many times, and they will still follow you. They will even try to open the door. And it will take a while before the deans do something. And it won’t be good. You will have to have lunch with them and a dean every day. For a couple months. Until you all agree that the bullying stopped purely because you’re all sick of it. But even now, eight years later, they will still not be done with it. I can laugh about it now though, them as people. They only bullied you because you were different, without you even knowing what was different about you. But don’t worry, we figured it out.

Then your parents. This divorce is going to be tough. I have figured out why it was my biggest nightmare as a baby D to have my parents divorce. The divorce gave you complex ptsd, but I’m sure you were traumatized by your parents long before that happened. I’ve figured out that both of them are narcissistic. So I’d say that explains a lot. I want you to realise something. They don’t love you. They don’t love you in a way that a parent is supposed to love a child. And they never will. And I’m sorry that I have to tell you that.

I barely talk to dad. I haven’t seen him in five years. And I don’t want to see him again. We text from time to time and sometimes I even regret contacting him again because it only makes it harder to accept that I will never have loving parents. I needed a parental figure when I contacted him again a few months ago. Because I’m naieve. I thought he was gonna be that. And it seemed like it at first but now I realise nothing has changed.

Mom isn’t one bit better. I think she did more damage than dad. She always makes you feel like you are the problem. You are not. She will dump all of her emotional labor on you. And at some points it will be so much that it makes you sick. You, mom and sister will end up in a very toxic co-dependent circle. You will be the first to get out of it. There are a lot of fights at home. I have realised that whenever I say something she will use it against me, so I barely tell her things anymore. It will make you feel left out, and lonely at home, but it’s better than having everything you say used against you. I want you to know that you won’t be stuck there forever. I’m getting my own appartment in two weeks. We are about to be free.

Your parents don’t love you, but lots of people will. You have a fiancé. That’s right, you found love. And she is beautiful. Yep, she. You’re into women and women only. I’m sure she’s the one. So I proposed to her and she said yes. Things haven’t been easy for us but she always stayed. But please, when you meet her, be honest with her and treat her how she deserves. I haven’t always done that. And I regret it. I’m doing my best to make it better now. To be the person she deserves. Because I can be that person. And you can too. Please don’t be scared of love, even though I understand why you are.

You had to figure out what love wasn’t before you figured out what it was. You will never get the love you need from your parents, you will be met with unrequited love, abuse, obsession and other things that you will mistake for love at first. They aren’t love. But you will learn that along the way. I’m sorry I took so long to realise certain things. I’m sorry for the damage.

But things will get better. You will hurt a lot. You will hurt yourself. You will hurt others. But you will love. God, you will love. You will be yourself.

I’ve figured out I’m trans. Again, sorry for taking long on that. You will struggle with it a lot. I’m getting a binder soon, mom paid for it. Probably only so I would be excited about her paying for it. I don’t know. We’re going to talk to a gender team though.

I want you to know that even if some people don’t love you, it doesn’t make you unloveable. Even if some people think you’re not enough or too much, it doesn’t mean you are. And even if you feel like you’re better off dead, hang on a little longer. You will find what you’re looking for when you stop looking. You will get there.

Stay strong little one.

Much love,

Dani

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image

i wonder whats going on up there // not much

10/20/2020

[photo description: doodle of a person in black looking upwards with two speech bubbles on a solid pink background. the left speech bubble is coming from the person. it is outlined in black with green writing reading “i wonder whats going on up there. the right speech bubble is coming from the person’s head. it is outlined in green with black writing reading "not much”]

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