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#cptsd

That moment when you dissociate in public and don’t get anything anymore. I found myself standing on the side of the road several times without moving. It took me a few minutes to realize that there were no cars or traffic lights at all. I just stood there staring somewhere in the middle of nowhere.
I appreciate everyone who dissociates in public and still has the courage to go outside and endure confused looks from strangers.

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coming to terms im a attention whore, all i want of affection and validation from a parent figure type of friend, older but not old, gives me a shit ton of platonic love, cares about me,and thats how i get into those situations, how i fall for grooming. im a fucking idiot!! i let it happen, i enjoyed the personal attention and they knew i was dying for it!! they fucking used me and never loved me their affection was a lie. all i wanted was a nice dad figure was that too hard to ask for? am i the fuckinb sLuT!!1 for wanting validation and affection from older people? its platonic and all but what if it doesnt come off that way? what if im seen as the freak who runs on attention? they will all be creeped out and leave me and if the leave me i will DIE. im sorry for being a freak, im sorry for being disgusting, im sorry i know i deserve everything that happened and should happen to me.

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Next level of bad coping mechanisms:

Sometimes I’m not even that bad at dealing with criticism or hate. I mean, they are right. I agree to any insult. Everything is fine, I’m on your side. Let’s destroy the person I am. I don’t feel hurt. It feels good to have someone with me who has the same thoughts about me as I do.

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Some day, I will move out.

Some day, I will never have any contact with my family again.

The only family I have any interest in keeping contact with is my brother. He’s never denied my pain or participated in gaslighting.

Love is grown, and what can grow if the seeds are not planted?

Sharing DNA with people means nothing more than that.

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I love the nights where hellbrain feels bad for its actions. Like here have a few nightmares that you’ll wake from into night terrors, then fall asleep. After that here’s some fluffy dreams to cope :)

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I was talking to my therapist yesterday about my s******* t******* and she said “the reason you feel that way is because your tolerance for your post traumatic symptoms are very low” and I’m like. yeah???? she didn’t mean it in a harsh way and I didn’t take it that way but I was thinking about it and yeah. my tolerance for 24/7 hypervigilance, mild to extreme body dysmorphia with no relief ever, dozens of flashbacks daily, poor sleep quality and nightmares, inability to feel literally anything positive ever……….for YEARS…yeah, my tolerance is pretty low these days. PTSD is LITERALLY psychological torture!!!!!!!!!!! and it’s so fucking lonely.

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If you’ve been abused you’ll understand when I say this: but I feel guilty for being hit by a car.

How fucked up is that?

A car hit me.

Police said it wasn’t my fault. Doctors said it wasn’t my fault. Witnesses said it wasn’t my fault. The guy who hit me said it wasn’t my fault.

But because I now have to ask for people to help me with things, I feel guilty.

I got hit by a car and I am the one apologizing.

And that’s on abuse people.

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‪I’m a lot of things all at once. I feel very deeply about many different things while simultaneously losing more and more of myself in the depths of my emotions. It’s as if I feel so much that I almost feel nothing at all. And I don’t want to feel nothing at all. I’ve been completely numb once in my life and it was one of the most terrifying things I’ve experienced. I’d rather feel pain than feel nothing at all. So my heart clings on to whatever it can while my brain is left to sort through the overflowing mess. As more parts of me continue to drift away, I start to wonder if they all end up in the same place. Or do they all just disappear? Maybe some of them are gone, but the rest are somewhere else. Maybe there are parts of me somewhere out there piling up, not unlike the giant mess of emotions in my head. Those parts of me made it through to a place where they can grow into something better. I wonder, where is this place? Can I go there? Or do I just wait here? While more parts of myself continue to disperse into this abyss?

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It was wrong of them to hurt you.

You did not deserve it.

It was wrong of them to yell, to threaten, to hit.

They were at fault. There’s nothing you could have possibly done to deserve it. Even if you were the loudest, most disruptive child in existance, you were still a child, and no child deserves to be hurt.

They were wrong. What they did to you was wrong.

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anyone here ever do EMDR therapy? specifically for like attachment/trauma related stuff?

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