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#cptsd

Actually you know what fuck it i’m not going to feel bad about my parents paying for our therapy because they’re part of the reason why i have a hard time making healthy relationships and why i can’t fathom healthy family dynamics and why i have low self-esteem like paying for therapy is the LEAST they could do

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It is likely you will feel the worst of your trauma only after you’re safely away from your abusers. A lot of you need to hear this and be prepared. Even if you didn’t have a strong reaction to trauma while it was going on, even if you felt like you were fine, and even if you can manage your symptoms now, once you’re safe (as in, abusers physically can’t get to you), the absolute worst of trauma will hit you because it will be finally, for the first time in your life, safe to feel it. This can mean exhaustion like you’ve never felt before, because it’s the first time you’re allowed to rest, and you don’t have to expect a sneak attack like you normally would. It can mean more panic attacks, more breakdowns, flashbacks, nightmares, feelings of terror, re-living past, feeling frozen in trauma, paralyzing, shaking, crying, having your entire body hurt and ache, your chest feeling like it’s tearing in pieces. You might experience bursts of rage and feel so irritated and restless you’ll want to jump out of your body. Your fear of the abuser will increase thousandfold and you will feel like you’d rather die than spend one additional second in their presence after what they did to you. It will become completely insane to you that you were able to live in their presence ever before.

This post-trauma effect isn’t irrational or exaggerating, if you feel this it’s because this is how horrible the trauma really was, but your were not able to feel it in the moment for several reasons; one of them is that it was unsafe to feel those things in front of abusers, they have already taught you that you will be punished for displaying trauma symptoms in front of them. To be additionally hurt in the middle of such pain would be unsurvivable. The other is that it would have killed you to feel all that as a kid. Keeping all that repressed to feel later is your body’s strategy of survival, you can only feel it now because you’re still alive in order to do it.

What you’re going thru is extreme and something nobody on the earth should be put thru. No matter what you do, do not blame yourself for your symptoms, because it’s impossible for you to cause this to yourself. Know that whoever caused this to you did it on purpose, and is absolutely evil for it. You did not deserve this. Go easy on yourself and allow yourself more comfort, more rest, more ease than ever, you do not need any additional stress, grief or self hatred in this time of your life. It is awful, and extreme, but it will get better. It wouldn’t be happening if your body didn’t estimate that you can survive it. It will come in waves, so don’t despair if you get a little better and then worse, it’s designed to allow your body a little rest before the next wave hits it, again in order to be survivable. Trust your body to know what to do, because it already pulled you thru so much trauma alive. And do not trust anyone who doesn’t think you should be safe from people who have done this to you.

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you know how stupid you all sound when you go “well hOW else will they LeARN” as an argument for hitting kids, because lets say for a second I apply this to parents, they don’t seem to know that abusing kids is wrong, they don’t understand it when you say to them it’s wrong, so how about from now on, every time they look at a kid wrong, we bring in a violent giant to beat the crap out of them, humiliate them utterly and tell them they deserved this, and it wouldn’t have happened if only they listened, because wouldn’t that be the correct teaching method you’re proposing? How else will they learn?

And it becomes rapidly obvious that it wouldn’t work because violence is not a method of teaching, its a method of terrorizing and dehumanization, nobody ever learned anything from being hit except that they don’t matter and they’re not safe and they could be brutalized anytime since nobody cares about their well being. Thats what you propose we do to children. Who didn’t even get a chance to develop. Who have no coping skills. Who rely entirely on those who forced them into this world to be exposed to scum who thinks they should get hit. You hit children for your own pleasure, not for their good. Stop pretending it’s anything else.

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teletherapy has its drawbacks but I can occasionally look my therapist in the eye now. she hasn’t said anything but I can tell she notices because she tries to hold it (even though I always break it) and it’s a lot more comforting than I ever expected

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Me, last night: Okay I have one more pill of these lower dose insomnia meds before I start the higher dose. I should be okay taking the one instead of two because I haven’t had night terrors these past few days anyway.

Me, waking up officially the next morning, not well-rested: :O

Narrator of my life: It was at that moment that they knew, they fucked up.

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We see the adult self or wise self (Schwartz, 1995, refers to this as a broader “Self”) as the part that carries the real wisdom, compassion, and curiosity of the client. Some clients initially have little or no adult self or, perhaps more frequently, have fragmented aspects of adult functioning that are not integrated into an adult self; that makes the work much harder(…) In such instances, we may refer to the “most grown-up part” or the “most adult part.” In other cases, the adult self is just a glimmer or emerges momentarily before being overtaken by another part.

If there is an adult self, it may be the part that continues to function in the world, and often has some or many age-appropriate behaviors, knowledge, and skills (though sometimes parentified adolescent parts carry those types of skills and attitudes). In people whose parts of self are more fragmented, the adult self tends to be compromised by lack of energy, which is bound up in the dissociated parts and by the effort it takes to keep these parts dissociated. The adult self may or may not know anything about the other parts.

“Treating Adult Survivors of Childhood Emotional Abuse and Neglect: Component-Based Psychotherapy” (p. 151), by Hopper, Grossman, Spinazzola, Zucker

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My last #personal post perfectly pictures the dissociation that I have been struggling with lol.

Well at least we figured out i have cptsd 🙄🙄🙄

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tfw your m.m told you you were gonna grow up to be a slut because you, age seven, complained about not getting what you wanted all the time and you’ve held that fear so close to you for ten years that you’re a doormat who is afraid of asking for even basic human decency and also has an extreme disconnect from your sexuality

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that trauma feel when you hear someone use t̴̨͎̭̩͔̮̿̂̈́̽͘͢h̸̡͎̳̋͗͋͂̈͢ͅȃ͕̳͎͚̲̬̭̎̊̾̑͋̕͡ͅt̶̙̤̹̳̀̓͛̑̀̀͟͞ w̜͉̠̰͖͒̓͋̑͢͢͡ô̴͉̙̞̳͍̇̄̄͢͞r̡̛͙͙͈̘͓͕͖̥̗̐̌̅͡d̡͍̜͚̠̥͌́̑̐̑̎̉̚ and you instantly feel your entire body react to The Threat

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ITS ALL MY FAULT ITS ALL MY FAULT ITS ALL MY FAULT ITS ALL MY FAULT ITS ALL MY FAULT ITS ALL MY FAULT ITS ALL MY FAULT ITS ALL MY FAULT ITS ALL MY FAULT ITS ALL MY FAULT ITS ALL MY FAULT ITS ALL MY FAULT ITS ALL MY FAULT ITS ALL MY FAULT ITS ALL MY FAULT ITS ALL MY FAULT ITS ALL MY FAULT ITS ALL MY FAULT ITS ALL MY FAULT ITS ALL MY FAULT ITS ALL MY FAULT ITS ALL MY FAULT ITS ALL MY FAULT

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Recently been having auditory and visual hallucinations of my trauma which is pretty fucking scary. Do things just keep getting worse? I thought id be ok by now.

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