#cptsd tw

[merveiilles]

// as someone who suffers with C-PTSD... I'm listening to the end of the new True Crime Daily episode. And one of the guests Dr.Judy.Ho has a new book all about attachments coming out. "The New Rules of Attachment" how to heal from your attachment wounds.

Judy: "Even if the people who might have had a hand in creating perhaps an insecuwre attachment style in yourself, aren't available to do the work with you. The goal is you don't really need anyone except for yourself to be able to do the work and start the healing process to live the life that you want." Ana (the host): "It's so interesting when you say it falls on you and how many times it's been explained to me... that even though you want to either you know, have it out, meaning have all the discussion out with the person who harmed you. And that you need them to understand and how you feel that you can't move forward or have your closure until the other person hears you, sees you or buys in. But really, you can't control that end of it. All you can control is your part in it. I think that for me is a constant struggle. That I have to fix this on my own. Whether the other person who hurt me or wronged me or abandoned me accepts it or is part of the healing. Like I want them to be a part of my healing. But I guess we can't always do it that way, right?" God, I love this podcast sometimes... Might look into Judy's book. Because I have SO MANY ptsd dreams about me confronting my abuser and having it out with him, yelling, beating him up. Just really explaining my grief to them. I have in real life, done the venting before. But it never sinks into his thick dumb skull. He never understands where he went wrong for 13 years of abuse and the amount of therapy and medication I've been on to try and cope with it. It doesn't help that his side of our family- abuser is my biological dad btw- IS ON HIS SIDE. AND DIDN'T THINK HE DID ANYTHING WRONG. WHEN I HAVE VERY VIVID MEMORIES. OF THOSE 13 YEARS. OF NOTHING BUT PURE HELL AND TORTURE. So sad the judge kinda went in the middle of my parents... Did the every other weekend thing. I really wish I never had to see him again. He looks scary. Military and police officer guy. HE GOT FIRED FROM BEING A CORRECTIONS OFFICER BECAUSE HE WAS TOO VIOLENT WITH INMATES. OKAY????? And I was facing that... as a child. for 13 years until the judge ruled I was old enough to make the decision not to see him again. God, this podcast has me crying now. Because... they make a really good point. As much as I want my abuser to UNDERSTAND and KNOW HOW MUCH PAIN AND SUFFERING I'VE BEEN THROUGH. HE WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND. HE WILL NEVER THINK HE DID ANYTHING WRONG. I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO HEAL MY WOUNDS FOR OVER A DECADE NOW. I JUST WANT HIM TO UNDERSTAND HOW HORRIBLE HE IS. AND HE JUST DOESN'T CARE. HE'S A TEXTBOOK SOCIOPATH. I HAVE TO HEAL ON MY OWN. WITHOUT HIM. AND IT'S SO FUCKING HARD. I just wanted to do a little talk about the podcast episode and made myself cry and now I'm upset. omg.

#:☆: random babbling ( out of character ) #cptsd tw #ptsd tw

[liminal-feeling]

STOP FUCKING ANTAGONIZING ME IN FRONT OF YOUR FAMILY.

#cptsd tw #ventcore #traumacore #angercore #trauma tw #ragecore #bpd rage #npd rage

[fledermuse]

Sagging Foundation. // Misc. Writing

He swore he would never come back to this place — That he would never even dare to set foot on the street. And yet, against all odds, he found himself there, mere feet away from his childhood home.

It looked different now. Where there once had been chipping paint and sagging steps, a sagging foundation of a porch — it was now built up again pristinely to an unfamiliar state. Even with a new coat of paint.

But Phil could see right through it.

His heart faltered and seemed to shudder in his chest at the moments of recollection swimming in his brain. He stared, and as he did, he could almost hear the sound of his own laughing as his mother tickled him. The brush of her warm embrace. The brief, sorrowful glimpses of affection from his father. The older man's apologies and promises of better days. He could see the toys of yesteryear that he'd play with, the books that he "read" solely for their bright fanciful pictures — It was all there. The musty smell of it all. The collected dust, the sight of their particles traveling through the beams of sunlight on a long, arduous journey.

He could feel his breath hitch as heat marked his cheeks. Tears rolled down, and he ducked his head, gritting his teeth. Before he knew it, he was sobbing like a child. Sobbing like the child that he had truly never been allowed to be.

It was supposed to be a home.

He was supposed to be a child, once.

But none of that was meant to be, was it?

#m:Phil #ic Phil #child abuse mention #ask to tag #ptsd tw #cptsd tw

[nightmarecountry]

hc. (v: old things have old hungers / aka the vampire verse)

He tends to see others in similar positions to him as weak, pathetic creatures who had it coming/deserved what happened to them - particularly if they (like him) were beguiled by someone and lured into their fate. It's very likely that he either believes he chose to become a vampire (though whether he did or not is up for debate; his memory is deeply unreliable, especially the farther back you go) and asked Morpheus for the gift, or that at the very least, he "willingly" let himself be manipulated/lured into Morpheus' clutches.

Obviously as outsiders we can see that he had very little choice in the matter either way--and he certainly will talk about it as if that's what he believes too. But it becomes evident when you witness the way he talks about other people that he's projecting some of what he deep-down-secretly feels about himself onto them.

#v: old things have old hungers #hc. #abuse tw #cptsd tw #[ idk how else to tag this lol ] #[ tldr if you show 'weakness' around him that reminds him of himself he will think you are PATHETIC. ] #[ i remember this coming up in an rp with nix once and it was SO so tasty ]

[whileurmine]

open to: m/w/nb 21+

plot: hear me out, hear me out, you give me two of ur muses. and then we make them a group of friends who fucks sometimes and there is drama bc different crushes and argument and 'you slept with THEM?? i thought u wanted ME?/'. and like two are dating but muse a def has a crush on muse b and not their bf and idk. i just want chaos that starts off slow.

characters: frank hamilton. 42. firefighter. no working braincells. struggling with c-ptsd and substance abuse. wants someone to love him sososososososooso bad he will literally fall to the floor and beg. is sure no one ever will. && maximiliano "maxi." valladares. 42. ems pilot. can be convinced that the skies are green if you tell him about it with enough conviction. also has cptsd but he has decided it's not a problem and he is gonna care about other people instead of dealing with it. so touch starved he will cry if he gets a hug.

"if doctors don't want me to self medicate, then maybe they should give me some shit that actually fucking works." frank grumbled, downing the whiskey glass with the relief of someone who had spent far too many days without water. "i have bought xanax from high schoolers that made me feel better than the shit they have me on."

"have you considered—" maxi started, "and i know that's gonna sound crazy, but you should hear me out, have you considered— maybe giving it more than a single day? because i know for a fact it's been a single day." he poked at their friend sitting besides him on the bar booth. "help me. talk some sense into him."

#indie rp #independent rp #╰ * 𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍 » filled under ; frank hamilton #╰ * 𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍 » filled under ; maximiliano valladares #cptsd tw #mental illness tw #medication tw #substance abuse tw

[50000bears]

My gp said that I almost without a doubt have cptsd but that it's not possible for me to get diagnosed or receive treatment because the healthcare system and I are both broke 🙃

#he was literally like yeah you're extremely traumatized but the best I can do is prescribe anti anxiety meds and give you free online #resources that you can work through by yourself because it will be thousands of dollars otherwise and there are no programs in place to hel #capitalism win! traumatized and barely functioning from a childhood full of life altering brain damaging terror? you'll need an amazing job #if you want any help #can't get a job because of your trauma? suck it up or die then ig #the world feels extremely unlivable #cptsd tw #mental illness tw #trauma mention

[sorryingly]

My bf says everything irritates me, but I don’t know how to explain that being in my brain irritates me. I say I’m working on it, but the truth is it’s a never ending movie. I’m always moving- new space, new things to unpack. Pack it all back up- Move to another space just to unpack it all again. Find a new place for every item to go, every single experience, every shred of trauma. Hiding in a shell of my very existence. Look at how nice I decorated- my trauma on display to be judged, never admired. I got sexual abuse in this corner and domestic violence on the wall down the hall. Please applaud- as my past is never on display just to be admired. Only judged. And the biggest critic of all is the one inside my brain. Irritated by everything, and shamed of it all.

An Ode to C-PTSD by me

I wrote this after feeling a lot of shame and anxiety in my bf’s car yesterday. I had quit drinking alcohol 22 days ago. My bf struggles to understand repetitive abuse as he came from the richest neighborhood in our state. He didn’t know what it was like to be unhoused or physically beaten by your family and at times he finds it hard to understand why I put myself in so much chaos that harms me. Working on my story will never end- it will always present new challenges that I must work through and that is what I dedicate this piece to. Understanding that my inner critic has engulfed me in shame and I will always need to unpack what I’m dealing with in new situations.

#poem of the day #poemsbyme #sad poem #poem #reblog #like #life #poetry #slam poetry #living with anxiety #living with cptsd #cptsdsurvivor #just cptsd things #cptsdsupport #cptsd recovery #cptsd tw

[pateretfilia]

[Because of how much her father does it to others and boasts about doing so (along with him being a stickler about the semantic difference between choking and strangulation — strangulation is a person getting their windpipe crushed by a person or object; choking is an accident and typically via food or fluid), Angel has an intense fear of strangulation/asphyxiation.

Given she's been locked up in those chambers many years, I would imagine she is likewise very touch-averse, and so only allows touch from people she trusts absolutely.]

#cptsd tw #strangulation tw #child abuse tw #🪽 — headcanons

[rpmemes-galore]

.

#Disassociation tw #ptsd tw #trauma tw #Negativity tw #cptsd tw #not a meme #its been a rough day of nonstop panic attacks. flashbacks. and ptsd episodes.... #so if you need me imma be over on my icons blog #bc making pretty things might help pull me back from the feeling of 'not real'ness i've got hitting hard right now #hope y'all are doing okay #poke me over there if you need me

[missxnsuppxrt]

I want to talk about Ingrid’s C-PTSD related to her work. Like emergency aid dispatchers in real life, Ingrid is hearing, seeing and experiencing a lot of what field agents do.

Just think about what she goes through with Leon Kennedy alone. She hears and probably sees everything he does in real time. The B.O.W.s, the death, the violence, the torture. She’s experiencing all this with Leon, but she is forced to compartmentalize her feelings and emotions because in that moment she has to stay calm and vigilant for Leon’s sake. Like, this man’s life is in her hands. One wrong directive and he could wind up dead. That’s soooo much pressure on just one person! I headcanon that the FOS does usually have eyes on their agents either through aerial visuals (like we see in the beginning of RE: Damnation) or they have body cams of some sort by the time we get to RE6. So, Ingrid is seeing what Leon and the other agents she supervises see. She is getting a front row seat to all sorts of awful shit, and even though she’s just seeing that through a screen, that shit is still traumatizing.

Let’s look at what happens in RE4. Ingrid is trying to help keep Leon alive while he’s being essentially hunted by Los Illuminados, and the president’s daughter is at risk. That’s two people Ingrid is responsible for, but she has no control over them or what’s happening. She can’t go in and save them. She just has to helplessly watch and listen. Then she fucking loses all contact with him not once but twice (once when he’s infected, again when he gets to the castle). I mean, can you imagine the horror and dread of that situation? Someone you are personally responsible for in the middle of literal hell on earth has gone MIA. The last time you heard from them, they were in trouble, so your mind just starts going crazy with worst case scenarios. That’s enough to traumatize anyone. But Ingrid has to keep her emotions at bay and stay calm. She can’t healthily process what’s happening in that moment, so she has to deal with all that shit later.

I headcanon that just before RE4, Ingrid lost an agent in Algeria. She was helping them try to disable a bomb, and then their communications failed. She couldn’t see anything. Just all of a sudden, when she’s telling them which wire to clip, she gets static. When she tries to get an aerial visual, she just sees this massive crater with pieces of the agent all over the place. Like, that shit will change a person. And then to go through that again with another agent? Ingrid was on her last leg mentally that day.

Then there’s RE: Damnation. Leon is in the middle of a warzone, and she can see him. She sees rockets nearly take him out, sees gunfire, sees B.O.W.s everywhere. Dead civilians, soldiers being shot up. And then when she tries to guide him out of danger, he just disconnects her. So, after the hell of the disconnection in RE4, Ingrid gets another hefty dose of traumatizing fear and anxiety. Leon is blind on the ground, and she has no way to help him or warn him if she sees something coming. And he is her agent. Her responsibility. I think in those moments, she was probably just imagining all the agents she HAD lost. All the deaths she had to oversee or witness. The torture of having to declare someone MIA or KIA. That shit is hard to deal with for anyone, and Ingrid has no military training. A few sessions with a government offered therapist isn’t going to do jack shit for that.

Then there’s the horror of RE6. She loses contact with Leon and Helena, that’s, again, TWO people she oversees, when they go underground in Tall Oaks (which is, in her words "hell on earth"). This poor woman has been through the emotional wringer. On top of that, Simmons blames Leon and Helena for the death of the president and declares them enemies of state. Now Ingrid has a big decision, does she salvage her job so she can protect hundreds of other agents or does she risk her life for these two? Suddenly her coworkers and superiors can no longer be trusted. They’re all potential threats and enemies. She has no safety net besides these two now-criminals, and she can’t be in contact with them all the time. She can only offer snippets of help when she can call in and watch what’s unfolding from her desk.

Ingrid’s symptoms are usually that she frightens very easily. She can’t watch movies with jump scares at all, even if she’s warned what will happen ahead of time. The sudden scares trigger her. Her triggers are usually audio-oriented. So, for example, if she hears a scream in a movie, she’s going to suddenly remember that time she watched an agent eaten alive during a T-virus outbreak. Or if there’s a sudden blaring music, she’ll remember that time she watched an agent turned into a pulp by a semi truck or the agent killed by a bomb. Stuff like that. Halloween is not a fun time for poor Ingrid. She also struggles with pretty nasty insomnia right after being exposed to a new trauma. Sleep makes her vulnerable to night terrors. And the overwhelming guilt and shame she feels about some of this stuff could be a post all on its own.

#ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ i'll be your support on this mission (headcanons/about) #cptsd tw #discussion of death tw #description of death tw

[merveiilles]

// 8 years ago today I was officially diagnosed with c-ptsd

#:☆: random babbling ( out of character ) #ptsd tw #cptsd tw

[liminal-feeling]

“If they say all the people in their past were abusive run” Some of us out here only ever known abusers

#cptsd tw #trauma tw #abuser vent #tw abuser mention #cocsa tw #csa tw #venting #red flag

[dcmonprncss-a]

Thank you so much! This actually means a lot to hear you say that.

@dreamsofalife

#[ 🌳 ] ooc. #cptsd tw

[rubyeditsandstuff]

one of the fun things ( read: worst things ) about having both anorexia and cptsd, is that the hunger pangs from a starve spiral don't even hurt that bad when you're already so triggered and disassociated you can barely feel your body, anyway...

love this for me :/

#not an edit #and the worst thing is my brain is so happy about it. like ' yay! we can starve ourselves so much easier now! isn't that great?? ' #and im over here like ' no u dumb dopamine starved bitch! that's BAD. its BAD not to EAT. YOU NEED FOOD. ' #eating disorder tw #anorexia tw #ed tw #disordered eating tw #negativity tw #venting tw #cptsd tw #trauma tw #disassociation tw #body image tw

[aquaticsoul]

Comparisons, Categories, and More: A Look at Cognitive Habits

Of all the metas I've written, none have gotten into the small intricate details of how Sielu's mind presently works in the moment. The closest thing would be the overview of his mental health, but it doesn't quite go into what's actually happening.

That said, this post will do that!

First, let's look at what he's always done, because his habits from childhood have been multiplied.

Growing up as a twin was a blessing and a curse. Even though his parents tried not to treat him and his sister exactly the same, this couldn't be said for most other people.

Sielu and Sydän were a package deal. Their names were so frequently said together that he would, on occasion, answer to her name by itself (assuming he'd just not heard his own). Even then, calling one child usually meant the adult wanted the other to come soon as well, so it was not often corrected.

That was also just when their names were used. Very often - by friends, teachers, etc. - were they referred to as "the twins". It's easy, it's shorthand, but it's also a bit of a problem for a nervous child.

Thus, Sielu did not ever develop a very strong "individual" identity. He was "one of the twins" and classified himself as such. It was pointless for him to argue or correct them or make any effort to be seen as anything outside of that box because for every person he explained it to, there were 20 more to follow.

It was much easier to just accept what roles he was given than constantly argue. It was better to play whatever part he was handed, and he's done this since early childhood.

Unfortunately, this habit was not broken. Ever. It did change slightly as he gained more labels to add onto himself, but all that meant for him was continuing to confine himself. Aspects that did not neatly fit into a categorical box were ignored or covered up. He limited himself to not expressing the things he didn't feel "fit him" in terms of labels, much to his own detriment.

Beyond this self-minimization comes his inability to handle many types of conflict. This post here goes over why he has issues with being misunderstood, but it goes deeper than that. For the people whose opinions he honestly cares for, he cares to a devastating amount. Just the idea of someone like Valo or Pilvi or (Tiamat forbid) Sydän resenting him is enough to nearly push him to an anxiety attack, so he's prone to shutting up and keeping the peace instead whether he's uncomfortable or not.

Finally, we reach the final, crucial key to understanding how he is now, and it's helplessness.

He wants to be in control of a situation at all times (and by that I mean of himself). He needs things to be stable. He needs everything to be peaceful due to the fact he's (beneath all the goofy charm) a very anxious and insecure person.

But, unfortunately for Sielu, life does not work that way.

In taking his life oath to Pilvi, he was exposed to the fact that Misterica is not, in fact, free of corruption and he felt constantly powerless to do much of anything to help, which continued for twelve straight years.

All of these factors combined yield us an adult who did not cope well with the loss of everything he'd ever known, but at least Pilvi was out there somewhere and he had Sydän with him...

Until she also died.

He did not figure out how to process this and fell into a metaphorical pit of total darkness instead - a state of depression that had him sleeping his grief and fear away to avoid being faced with what he considered to be "too difficult of a situation".

Shortly after that set in, Herba attacked the village he was staying in, killed everyone except him, and kept him as a prisoner in the lower levels of her airship for nine years. He was deprived of basic needs by being given only enough to survive, and abused in ways that were both horrific and extremely effective in undermining his sense of self even further. She preyed on any bits of information about him she got her hands on.

It got so far as to her rendering him unable to fly for long periods, burning his airways so he could not sing, making him feel responsible for the deaths of the village people, and lowering his self esteem into the negatives. She took his insecurities and ran with them, convincing him that he is nothing more than a stand-in for others at best and a vile, unlovable monster at worst.

Spending nine years in this type of environment makes it very hard for him to think anyone genuinely wants anything to do with him. Unfortunately, his mind tries to cope with this challenge the same way it always has: sorting things one way or another.

The black and white thinking runs to such an extent that on his worst days, everything and everyone is either "all good" or "all bad" with no in-between.

Either you're a threat or you're not, either you love him or you don't, either you're good and he's bad... or everyone is bad and he deserves it. It's "all or nothing", and it's not a habit he entirely realizes he's got. He's started to be a little aware of it, but he doesn't know what to do about it because he doesn't want to bother or upset his companions. (Remember that insecurity I mentioned earlier?)

He thinks he takes up too much space already. He wants to help them as much as they help him because he knows they must be grieving as well, but he's terrified of not doing it the right way. He wants (quite desperately) to explain what's wrong but he doesn't want to be annoying or complain too much or run into questions he can't answer. He feels totally helpless and powerless, and it feeds into his insecurity-turned-self-loathing.

It doesn't ease his discomfort that he can't seem to form a solid opinion on many things, instead trying to ignore it or distort any situation into something that does fit the boxes he's grown so comfortable with.

Basically, all of the anxiety and the issues he used to keep under a pretty solid amount of layers have been brought to the surface with more added on top, but he doesn't know at what point it's acceptable to ask for help or if he deserves the help in the first place.

After all, it's easiest to just blame himself and move on, right?

#music alone shall live ; headcanon. #[ i have been working on this for like. two weeks now ] #topic ; habits #topic ; sydän #topic ; pilvi #topic ; misterica #topic ; fears #topic ; herba #topic ; health #topic ; captivity #abuse tw #self-degradation tw #cptsd tw #death tw #murder tw

[gh0stgirl-hotline]

Born to love cursed to be unlovable

#tw bpd vent #tw bpd #bpd #actually bpd #bpd thoughts #tw ptsd #tw trauma #ptsd #love #heartbreak #actually cptsd #actually borderline #boarderline personality disorder