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#crack fics
writ3rs-chaos · 5 months
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Coming soon!
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a/n: for @minlixing (thank you to @ashxxgyu for making the header <33)
Summary: Life as Lee Know's S/o a series of lighthearted fics inspired by delulu hours <3
MASTERLIST
pt 1 (ft soonie, doongie, dori)
pt 2 (ft felix)
pt 3 (ft the rest of skz)
~ more tba~
send an ask to be apart of the tag list! taglist: @/minlixing @/ashxxgyu @/seungminnows
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sofasoap · 6 months
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Lady Fortuna
Summary : Story of how Lieutenant Mylène Scholten de Ridder. a.k.a call sign "Petra" comes to know a strange new medic, Freya "Mini" MacTavish and her strange ability.
Pairing : None at moment. Eventual Simon "Ghost" Riley x OC.
NOTE: This is pretty much a self indulgent, crossover fic with @siilvan's OC Petra/Mylène Scholten de Ridder. we been chatting away for awhile how much fun it will be mushing these two in the same universe. so we decided to write a fic each of their adventures and daily life with taskforce 141 :) NOTE NO.2: Also would love to thank @gamergirlbonestaskforce141riot and @nrdmssgs, I love how their OC interacts and inspired @siilvan and I to do the same. *salute * Thanks to you two to give us the blessing to do this. Now just trying to find someway to fit their Oc's in.. *burning brain cells *
Warning: Minors/Under 18s Do not interact. M rated. Talks of violence.
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Petra stares at the photo in front of her. 
She will recognise those eyes anywhere. Bright blue innocent puppy eyes that she sees almost everyday. 
Petra quickly glanced at the name on the recruit file. Freya MacTavish?  Petra wonders if she is by any chance related to Sergeant Johnny “Soap” MacTavish. The resemblance is way too strong to be just sharing the same surname. 
Only difference is she can sense the innocence behind determined round orbs, no traces of hardlines on her face, untainted by the massacre and killing of the battlefield. 
Not the face of a soldier. 
“Who’s this?”
“Your new medical officer. Combat medic to be precise.” Price replied as he sat on the couch, cup of coffee in hand. “You were requesting for additional medical officers aren’t you? I have found you the best candidate.” 
Petra frowned. Quickly flipping through the fitness and weapon training scores. “She is just a Corporal! She barely passed the minimum requirement! How did she even get selected?”
Flipping through more pages, most of them have a large print of “confidential” or “top secret” word strike through the pages, with half of the pages censored, making it unreadable. 
Who is this woman? 
Cryptic smile creeped onto Price’s face. “There was a lot of bureaucratic bullshit I had to overhaul and pull a lot of favours to get her in.” Price sighed as lean back in the chair. “Trust me on this. You would not be disappointed with her ability.” Price commented. “Comes with MI6 and  CIA’s validation.”  
Why would the Americans be involved with a low rank British soldier? But Price has no intention of explaining it any further. Draining the rest of this coffee, he left the room, but not  without dropping more mysterious words;
“Do not underestimate the power of Fortuna Victrix.”
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“Corporal Freya MacTavish, reporting for duty, ma’am.”  The bright-eyed corporal saluted Petra as Price stood proudly on the side, looking on like a father who is attending his daughter’s prize giving ceremony. 
“So this is the newbie you want me to take in Captain?” Petra’s eyebrow raised as she observed the nervous corporal, who is currently trying hard not to fidget under her scrutinising glance. Price nodded. 
“Well Corporal..”
“Please. Call me Mini.” Freya smiled shyly. “I know I am not much of a soldier…” 
“So you are the Mini that Soap always goes on about.” Petra mused.  
“I hope he hasn’t mentioned any embarrassing childhood story. My brother has also told me a lot of stories about you.” Mini commented sheepishly. 
“ Oh? Stories about how I always give him an earful when he always somehow injures himself with the simplest task??” 
“That too. But that’s him, he is always running into troubles ever since he was young.” Mini laughed, “I always ended up being the one playing nurse to him.” 
“Sounds like he hasn’t changed a bit for the last twenty plus years then.” Petra chuckled. 
“Not a bit. I am still the one chasing his butt looking after him. My duty as his little sister.” 
Despite her initial doubt, Petra slowly warms up to the shy Scottish girl. 
The fierce determination and ability to focus on the task at hand was one of her virtues. She was gentle and the infinite patience with her patient, the smile that would brighten up even the most miserable person in the room ( aka grumpy Captain Price ) never ceases to amaze her. 
The first time she realise what the true meaning behind Price’s cryptic words was when 
Mini was sent along with the squad as the solo combat medic for a black op. . 
“You know we do not have any other medics we can deploy, Mini is the only one available for duty. Everyone else who is experienced has been sent out. And you,” Price explained as he pointed at Petra, ”We cannot let you out on the field this time round, you have to stay back and command the infirmary.”  
Petra was about to protest again when Mini closed the last box of the supply and gave her a gentle nudge on the shoulder. 
“We will be ok, L.T, don’t you worry. I have Soap for that.” Mini reassured her, as Petra fretted over the rookie’s ability to look after a whole squad all by herself. “I have packed extra supplies, but, if all goes well, I shouldn't have to open it.”
Despite the confidence behind her words, Petras was agitated for days. What if something happens? What if she dies during the op? How would Soap react? 
“She will be Ok. just as long as she isn’t left alone by herself.” Soap replied as Petra relayed her concern one day as they sat down for a meal together. “This isn’t the first time she has been in this situation. She knows how to handle herself.”
Well, if Soap isn’t too worried, she shouldn’t be stressed so much right? Plus, Petra tried to improve her basic survival skills by dragging her onto the shooting range and the dojo for sparring practices, the poor girl just doesn’t seem to be able to improve her abilities any further. 
“They said I should survive if I can hit the target….”  Mini mumbled as she lowered her gun, inspecting her result. It seemed to hit everywhere on the board but the bullseyes. 
“Who’s ‘they’?” Petra frowned, overheard Mini’s muttering. 
“Um. My previous hand… I mean superior.” Startled, Mini’s eyes looked everywhere but Petra’s eyes as she tried to find an explanation of her inability. 
“Well, that might be sufficient for a civilian, but not quite good enough as a soldier. Especially one in the special task force! Come on, again!”  Petra childed. 
Petra still couldn’t stop worrying about the shy medic she had come to care for like a little sister. 
The surprise she got when she walked into the infirmary one morning, finding Mini unpacking all the gears.  
“Any casualties to report?”
“None, L.T. the troop returned without sustaining any injuries.”  Mini reported in a light tone as she finished putting away the last of the unused supply. 
“Are you sure?” Petra questioned again as she narrowed her eyes, noticing a visible strain on Mini’s face every time she tried to extend her left arm. 
“The troops are fine. L.T.” Mini took a deep breath in, not looking at her in the eyes. Petra marched forward, took the box away from her hand, and pulled the left sleeve up. She gave Mini a pointed look. 
“... apart from me.” Mini sighed, finally giving up attempting to conceal her injuries. “It’s nothing major. Just a bruise.”
“ A very large bruise, and possible tear to your ligament. Come on, how did you do this?” Petra frowned. Mini grabbed the box back as she turned away from Petra, replied in a resigned tone, “Blame my own stupidity, I should have watched where I was talking when I got out from the helo.” 
“Why does that sound like a very strange lie, the troops treated you alright?” Petra asked again, trying to chase the truth. She is quite sure Mini could stand up for herself,but if any of the soldiers dares to lie a finger on the medic, the one that is supposed to save their life on the battlefield, they would not only have to face her anger, but the wrath of Captain Price and Sergeant Soap. 
“L.T, I am Ok, they are treating me like a princess. One even tried to ask me out on a date.” Mini smiled but immediately turned into a grimace as she pulled her arm again. “This is normal. I am used to it. It will happen again regardless of what I do.” 
And it happens again, and again. 
Every team she gets sent out, will return with minimal injuries. And the one that sustains the most injuries seems to be the medic herself. Petra is absolutely baffled by the weird occurrences. Raising her concern to Price, all Petra gets as a head shake, and another puzzling response.
“That is the fate she has to bear.” 
Mini becomes a hot favourite amongst the troops. Everyone wants her to be their medic for the duration of their deployment. Not only will they guarantee a high success rate of completing the mission without injuries, and the chance of tasting her famous chocolate cookies that Sergeant Soap always ramble on about so much. 
But Price tried to hold onto Mini tight. At Soap’s request. Keeping her close and safe. 
They all know Mini is too soft for the world of Chaos and bloodshed. 
How and why did she get herself into this world?
“Johnny was never pleased that I tried to follow in his footsteps.” Mini complained one day as they sat in Petra’s room, sharing a bottle of whisky she snuck in and some of her freshly baked chocolate cookies. “He never expected me to worm my way into the special forces with my ability.” 
“You seem to have a knack of luck with keeping the soldiers alive and bringing them back home in one piece. Can’t say so for yourself though.” Petra took a sip of the drink , carefully probing Mini. “ I still don’t know how you can dislocate your shoulder when you were trying to put a bandage on a simple knife wound on Gaz’s arm last time you were deployed with him.” 
“ When the fortune rises high, it will have to be lowered. When someone takes all the good fortune, someone has to bear the leftover misfortune.” Mini commented, not giving any more explanation. A phrase that ingrained into Petra’s mind, and the full meaning of it comes hitting Petra hard after a twist of fate event. 
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“WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY SHE HAS GONE MISSING?!!” Ghost roared into the comm, demanding answer from the other side of the line. 
Petra never saw Ghost showing so much emotion before, letting along losing his cool. 
If not for the gravity of the situation, Petra would have laughed out loud and teased Ghost for finally showing signs of feeling towards Freya. 
"So, I have seen you eyeing a certain lieutenant a bit lately?" Petra teases Mini as she stares at Ghost who is currently sitting on the other end of the table, who is listening in at a conversation between Soap and Gaz. 
"Hmmm? You? I see you everyday." Mini blinked a few times as she turned her attention back towards Petra. 
"Not me!” Petra rolled her eyes as she let out an exasperated sigh.  "Tall..well built.. brooding.. masked lieutenant. Sounds familiar?" 
Mini diverted her eyes, looking away, " I don't know who you are talking about. "  she mumbled, blushing furiously. 
Petra snorted. It baffled her now oblivious that this young woman can be. And also the aforementioned masked Lieutenant. 
There's countless times she has seen  both of them sneaking a glance at each other, thinking there was no one looking. But Petra always catches them. Drives her crazy that both of them are behaving like teenagers, neither of them are willing to make the first move, to take the relationship a step further. And both will furiously deny it when probed and asked. 
Pair of delayed teenagers.
Back to the present. Mini was separated from the group during the chaos and gunfire when they were suddenly ambushed during a routine patrol. The last person that spotted her was the soldier that was assigned to be her escort under the command of the captain. 
“She ducked behind the wall as I was trying to cover her, I swear! And.. I lost track of her afterwards…” the soldier’s voice trailed off, not daring to comment any further, afraid to incite anymore fury from the masked Lieutenant. 
“She cannot be separate from the group. At least ONE person has to be around her at all time” Price warned during one of the pre-mission briefing. “If you value your own life, protect her at all cost.”  
Price grabbed Ghost’s shoulder as he was about to launch into another tirade down the comm.
“Ghost. Enough. Now it’s not the time.” Price reminded Ghost, “ you can reprimand them as much as you can later. But we need to start searching for Mini, before we run out of time.” 
“Captain…” Soap spoke up, “Would we need to notify the agency…” 
“I would rather not get them involved if we can solve the problems ourselves.” Price growled, displeased with the idea with another agency or group coming in to complicate the situation. “I remember they have placed a tracker on her, I still have the code in the encrypted tracker somewhere… back at the base.” Price slammed his fist on the table, angry at his own negligence of not thinking of bringing the code with him. They were too complacent about their situation. Always expecting the mission will be successful, as long as Mini is with them. 
Soap took a breath in as he looked his captain in the eyes. “We have no choice then.” Silence fell in the room. 
Petra looks around the four men in the room. Gaz frowning, you can almost see the gears turning in his brain, Ghost with his skull balaclava still on, expression unreadable, but from the visible rising and falling of his shoulder, Petra could tell he is tense, and trying hard to keep his own emotion in check. 
Price closed his eyes for a moment, before letting out a sigh. Pulling out the laptop, ready to make a call through the secure line. 
“Get me C. matter of great importance.” Price’s low voice echoes in the room. “Tell him it’s regarding one of the agency’s assets.”
The voice on the other side of the line replied, too low for Petra to catch. Price nodded his head, as he leaned back on his heels, waiting for the otherside to reply again.
“Hello, Captain Price. Long time no see. To what do I owe this pleasure?” the male voice on the other line jeered. Petra’s eyebrow twisted slightly at the remark. There must be a bad history between these two. She thought. 
“Lady Fortuna has gone missing. And we need your help.” 
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The story that Soap ended up telling Mini about Petra :
“So Ghost was waiting at the church for us, but here’s the thing— I’d just been shot, and Petra had been stabbed. Sounds bad, right?? It gets worse! I found a stim and Petra managed to patch herself up, but the Shadows were everywhere. I managed to find the church, but before I could reach it, one of those eejits knocked me down and tried to kill me! She ended up shooting him and saving my arse, but isn’t that crazy?!” "…you always seem to be getting into trouble…"
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fanfictionroxs · 1 year
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Story time!
The most scary thing that Sean has ever seen or heard in his life is Black and White doing the stereotypical 'finish each other's sentences/being in sync' twin thing.
They stopped doing it at a very young age because they understood that it annoyed their parents (screw them), but the brothers never lost that ability of knowing each other's exact move.
The first time Black and White do this, they're all in the garage and the twins had teamed up to mess with Yok whose eyes got progressively larger with each word passing from their mouths. He had been teasing them about how different they were and "are you both even twins? It's not how tv dictates twins should be"
And Black and White had turned to look at each other, their heads turning back to Yok, lips stretching into the same creepy smile and everyone in the garage felt a shiver go down their spine as Black opened his mouth.
"You see Yok-" he said
"-It's not that we can't do it-" White continued.
"-it's just that we don't want to-" Black shrugged.
"-we're our own person-" the twins chimed together.
"-but mostly it's scary for people-" they continued.
"-I mean look at you-" White
"- you look like you're about to wet yourself-" Black
"-and that makes us very happy-" they fucking synched again!
"-which honestly White said was mean-"
"- and Phi agrees of course-"
"-no, I don't-"
"-Yes, you do-"
Black cut off the back and forth to glare at White who raised an eyebrow.
Yok grabbed Gumpa's sleeve.
"Hia, I'm scared!"
"Are we sure we have a problem with being mean to people?" Black fake whispered to White. Sean saw a smirk go up his boyfriend's face who replied, "I don't know, Phi. It is quite fun."
And Black's lips widened into a matching smirk, the brothers gazing at each other with evil mischief (more like sadistic glee) and Sean felt Gram shiver alongside him.
Yeah maybe it was better Black and White weren't the stereotypical twin types. They seemed to become less Black and White and more Grey and Grey.
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lucigoo · 2 months
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In light of THIS post by Screaming cactus and my inspiered fic HERE with Bison Thorin and Highland bull Bilbo..... I present you with my next animal Au WIP with the working title of "The adelaide penguin and the pebble" (I am still writing it so bare with me) Emperor Penguin Thorin (and Co) and Adeladide Penguin Bilbo because I adore these size differences in similar animals. (Feel free to throw out any other animal AU's can use, if I can make them work I 100% will)
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inevitably-johnlocked · 8 months
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If you need a fic for your recs, I found a 10 year old crack fic yesterday that had me giggling all the way through. It's set during the hiatus, so Sherlock never appears, but his presence is everywhere. It's called "Kidnapped: A Comedy," by scuttlesworth. I don't know if you've recced it before. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/602485/chapters/1086088.
Kidnapped: A Comedy by scuttlesworth (T, 10,515 w., 2 Ch. || Post-TRF, Humour, Kidnapping, BAMF John, Criminal Stupidity, Guns, Death, Crack) - This is what happens when you start counting up the number of times John's been kidnapped and think, wow. He must be an expert by now.
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THANK YOU lovely!! I do enjoy some old legacy crack fics!!! Everyone go give this one some love! <3
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crack fics save lives
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wolffoxnation2 · 28 days
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I read this like 400 words crack fic of magnus just randomly taking Fenris out for a walk around Valhalla and it has not left my mind since
Everyone was so confused and scared and Magnus was just like, "maybe he wouldnt be so cranky if they took him on a walk more"
There was no explanation on how magnus found and convinced fenris to not kill him but it was fucking funny
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zombiebluejay · 11 months
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"Dae In The Life"
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Characters mentioned/ Daemon Targaryen, Rhaenyra Targaryen, Aemond Targaryen, Fem OC.
*18+/crack fic(this is just for the jokes man)/slight smut but not too much*
A day of Daemon Targaryen, his little tasks and his little self.
Word count: 1.2k
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The day started as it usually did, with Daemon Targaryen waking up on the couch in the bedchamber at Dragonstone and Rhaenyra sleeping in the exact middle of the lumpy king sized bed. His lovely familial bride is still asleep. Rain puttered down hitting every inch of the carved stone of the castle.
He woke up with a start, unaware of the penis drawn upon his forehead. And no one working in the castle planned on telling him either. Grumbling, he sat up and rubbed his old, tired eyes and got up.
In his nightdress and hat, he sleepily walked to the chamber aside from the room, filled with an abundance of rank and stinky pots.
“Damn” he thought, “I wish toilets existed in this time in history”. But the gods all hated him, so toilets wouldn't be invented for a long time.
The man looked in the warped, fuzzy mirror he had hidden behind an issue of "hot dragons weekly" that his incestuous spouse had hidden, lest he give in more to unworthy vanities. He looked at his enormous chin, and realized he had grown a single hair over the night. It was an inch long and white, not unlike something else protruding from his body. His face would look surprised, unfortunately you wouldn't be able to tell, as he lacked eyebrows.
After he was done getting ready for the day, changing from his sweaty, slept in night wear, into a pair of trousers which were just a bit to short and his dragon shit crusted boots, he realized he was clean shirtless, and thus he began his quest down to his wife's teenage son's chambers, in hopes of finding one that would fit him. He crept through stone hallways, a chill grabbing onto his tiny nipples.
Once at the tall wooden door, he rapped upon it. With no answer, he tip tied in and shuffled around the drawer. With luck, he found one that seemed close to his size though his belly button poked through and the sleeves came down only to his mid forearms.
Thus it was time to set out for the day. He saddled up Caraxes, and took off to run his daily errands.
Caraxes landed landed on the edge of a green forest, still damp from the mornings rain, ten paces away from a small cottage, little figurines strewn about the door, one of which looked like king Viserys, ass out, full moon.
The long haired no longer twink walked slowly up to the small round door, and with a rap-tap-tap and a few seconds wait a very small woman waddled out the door. Wearing a purple robe with stars adorning it, she greeted him with a toothless grin, making the man blush.
"Hello Daemon, I was wondering when you'd finally drop by you old soggy sod. Doing your little chores for your lady wife hm?" She attempted a wink but both eyes shut.
"Hello Grunhilda" he sighed, remembering the drunken make out session the two had many years prior, back when she still has a couple teeth left. "I'm here to pick up Rhaenyra's order".
"Right this way then, my prince".
She led him into her house and pulled out a small metal tube with a red crystal on top.
"Tell her majesty I worked very hard on this for her. It'll work by putting this small jar of captured lightning in this small cut out on the side. These devices are hard to make these days, one day they'll be very prevalent, I know I saw it in the orb. Now you'd better be on your way, another important person is stopping by at any moment."
After a quick stop and a hasty goodbye, the man was shooed out the door. Once back to his dragon, hidden by fog, he could see a carriage pull up. Squinting to see who just stopped by, he could make out the form of Otto Hightower step out and knock as he did. With an eye roll he decided to take off, as he had a few more errands to run.
After a few hours of picking out breads and cheeses and apples and all such other things adorning Rhaenyra's intricate grocery list, the man with the protruding chun found a decent view to enjoy the lunch his wife had packed him and left on the counter for the day. He opened up a brown bag, filled with a sandwich filled with the leftover meats of the previous supper and three slices of cucumber, an apple with a smiley face carved into it with the thumb nail of his recently pregnant spouse and two pieces of toffee candy flavored with citrus. They were his least favorite from the multi flavor pack but they were his daughters favorite, so he ate them happily.
The man looked at the magical crystal wand visible in his open satchel, and looked around. It was a scenic view, a deep drop into a waterfall filled casam surrounded by deep green forests. It was quiet except for the wildlife and water. He grabbed the object from the bag, looking it over carefully. He put in a small bottle of captured lightning as the woman had told him and burst to life with buzzing.
Slowly, he undid his belt and buttons and with a touch onto his, as Rhaenyra called it "semi satisfactory" sized penis, he let out a high pitched needy yelp, closed his eye tightly and his lower cheeks squeezed in, almost immediately, and for the first time since Rhaenyra decided she wanted to try again for another child, he unleashed a mighty 6 drops of slightly yellowish cum from his itchy cock. He winced not unlike one may imagine the shunga girls would, a high pitched scream of pleasure and pain.
He sat there in shock for a quarter hour, unspeaking, unmoving, he understood his wife's purchase.
Knees cracking, he stood up, feeling a rush of serotonin shoot into his brain, he had a few more tasks yet to do.
He flew down back into the nearest town, hauling a large cotton sack filled with the chamises, night gowns, stockings, shirts and breaches of his large family, into a large open room filled with steaming soapy cauldrons with washboards. On the other side of the building were many strings of washing lines with hand cranks to spin out the washings to dry it by the breeze it generates. All a very elaborate contraption created by his brother in law/nephew Aemond.
The man sighed, and got to work scrubbing, rinsing, drying and folding all the garments in the sack his family had entrusted him with. All the blood stains from a past trauma of many kinds. War, childbirth. And happy blood too. Remnants of scraped knees from the small amounts of childhood play their children got the rare opportunity to have before life caught up with them so early.
He smiled with a small tear forming in his eye, realizing he had to get back soon to the family he cared for.
Loading up his sack, he climbed on the back of his beloved dragon, flying towards the now setting sun, he decided to take a minute to watch it go down, landing on a cliff top with his castle home in the furthest visible difference.
Just then an old man did the same, climbing up the hill to take in the sea breeze, he had a big bushy gray beard, a robe and walking staff as tall as his hunched over back may have been in the days of youth.
The man looked at the prince, took in a breath and gave a small gnarly giggle, showing the few teeth he had left.
"You know son" the old man spoke, "you've got a cock drawn on your face".
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anxietyfrappuccino · 5 months
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all it takes is a mha crack fic and i'm all good
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gobletoffeels · 3 months
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Warmth and Cheer
Summary: Sebastian and Genevieve decide to try out a Christmas concoction from Garreth. Chaos ensues.
Words: 2347 words
A/N: this is just a crack fic. Literal chaos. Stupidity. Hooliganry. Shenanigans. Enjoy!
Sebastian knew the holidays were always a bit difficult for Genevieve. The festive season always reminded her that she was away from her family. Her options were either heading back home, back to the strain of looking after her sickly father, with the painful reminder of her absent mother – or staying at Hogwarts, while plenty of her friends filtered out back to their families.
Sebastian, however, always chose to stay at Hogwarts. He’d become quite used to it, and year after year, found ways to make it every bit more festive. He even managed to rope Ominis in one year, who was painfully obliged to head back to the Gaunts each time.
This year was no different. Sebastian burst into the Room of Requirement – a space he knew Genevieve would likely be hiding out – carrying an abundance of bottles, flasks and potions.
“When I put these things down I better not see you sulking, Gen.” He called out, his voice slightly muffled from the sheer load of items that obstructed his view.
Genevieve turned her head to see her idiot boyfriend powering through the tranquility of her space. She smiled softly.
“Sebastian, I’m fine.” She said, walking up to help the poor boy out with the stacks of items. He was an absolute hazard to society and to himself.
“What is all this?” She began to place the items down on the nearest potion table.
Sebastian huffed as he finally put everything down.
“Right, so Garreth has been going on about his festive potion-making kit. He’s been relentless on getting someone to try it, but no one’s stupid enough to take whatever Garreth’s offering back home to their parents…”
Sebastian began to unpack and arrange the items across the desk as he continued
“…except I felt bad for the poor bloke. And he’s helped my arse out a lot in potions this year, so I said I’d try it out since I’m staying here. And because you’re regrettably attached to me, you’re trying it with me too.” Sebastian beamed at her with his signature smile that Genevieve knew only meant trouble – the best kind of all.
“A ‘festive potion-making kit’. What in Merlin’s name does that include?” She picked up a mysterious glittering green bottle.
Sebastian meticulously organizing the bottles, as if he were taking the whole task very seriously, began to unravel a small piece of parchment attached to the kit. Sebastian read it out loud.
“Festive greetings, potioneers!
Enjoy the whimsical wonders of the Christmas season with the bottled warmth of Christmas Cheer! Simply mix in all your ingredients and let it bubble away for two turns of an hourglass, and guzzle it down for instant delight.”
Sebastian stifled a laugh, “Supposedly it bottles the feeling of ‘Christmas cheer’. Seems pretty straightforward.”
“Just add all the ingredients?” Genevieve sidled up next to Sebastian now at the potion station. If they were going to do this, they were going to do this right.
“Mmhm! Okay – cauldron’s on. Good. Bottles all here. Doesn’t seem to have a specific order to it, just keep an eye on the hourglass.” Sebastian ran the station with precision, for someone who wasn’t very good at potions, he had a remarkably orderly way of running things.
The Room of Requirement began to heat up with the steam and fumes of the bubbling concoction, as they swiftly added each bottle to the cauldron, and then bracing themselves for any adverse reaction before adding the next. With each bottle added, both Sebastian and Genevieve grew more comfortable with the brew. In fact, it started to emit a lovely, deep and warm scent of cinnamon, firewood and hints of sweetness. A true festive scent.
Genevieve brought her head down towards the cauldron to take a whiff, “You know…I think it’s actually working. It smells lovely.”
Sebastian was far too preoccupied with watching the hourglass to stop and smell. He hadn’t noticed that the humidity and steam of the potion had now left his tufts of hair in disarray and fluffed up, no doubt from the amount of times he inadvertently ran his hands throughout as he concentrated deeply.
She found this quite endearing. Genevieve brought her hand to his head, neatening down his hair a bit, as his gaze was left fixed on the potion station.
“This is quite fun, isn’t it? Thank you Seb—“
“It’s done!” He blurted out. He apologized for cutting his girlfriend off, giving her hand a gentle squeeze.
“Wanna try it?” He looked down into the cauldron. Genevieve peered her head into it as well.
“Um…you go first.” She said.
“Scared?” Sebastian chuckled.
“A potion kit? From Garreth? Yes, I’m scared.” She raised an eyebrow.
“But Gen, nothing’s happened! Look – no explosions, the thing smells normal. I think the worst is over.” Sebastian looked earnestly at her, “Let’s do it together, okay?”
Genevieve sighed.
“Fine. Grab two bottles below.”
Sebastian reached down to the shelf and began to pour the brilliantly crimson red brew into the flasks. It looked perfectly harmless, if anything, quite inviting. The colour had a shimmer of glitter in the light, with swirls of gold across it.
He handed a bottle to Genevieve, and then linked his arm with hers.
“Bottoms up?”
“Bottoms up.”
They threw back the concoction quickly, Genevieve didn’t dare linger. She squeezed her eyes shut in anticipation for something truly horrible to happen.
And nothing did.
Sebastian looked at her blankly, perhaps he had also feared the results just as much, based on the trepidation on his face.
“Do…do you feel anything…?” He said cautiously.
“…no. Maybe it takes a bit of time?” She replied slowly. As if any sudden action would trigger the potion.
Sebastian stood very still, before finally taking a step towards the cauldron, making sure that they definitely drank it all. He scoffed as he saw it empty.
“Typical of Garreth, to give us a potion that doesn’t even work…” Sebastian’s arrogant smirk returned, crossing his arms, before uncrossing them again, loosening his tie a bit.
Sebastian fumbled with his collar a bit, until he decided to take the entire tie off. Pulling at his collar as he did.
“Anyway…let’s get out of here. Far too warm here with all this brewing.” He stuffed his tie into his pocket as he began to fan his shirt slightly. Beads of sweat starting to form on his face.
“Gosh, it’s warm in here isn’t it?” Sebastian’s face started to flush.
Genevieve looked perfectly fine compared to him.
“Seb, I’m fine. You on the other hand are staring to look as though you’ve just run a marathon.” She began to giggle at Sebastian’s disheveled appearance. And truly, his tufts of hair that Genevieve lovingly neatened were now starting to frizz up, patches of sweat pooling around his chest and underarms. His face started to sport a dewy shine.
And by the time either of them had registered Sebastian’s state, his shirt was now getting completely drenched with sweat. His hair now sticking to his forehead, and his face completely flushed red.
“I’m—I’m hot. God, it’s so warm. Can’t we open a window here?” He began to pace around the room, his hands absentmindedly touching surfaces of the wall hoping that they would reveal some kind of opening.
Genevieve always found Sebastian’s antics funny, but this tickled her in another way that she couldn’t help but find particularly funny. She barked out a laugh she didn’t know she was holding.
“It must be the potion!” She giggled more now, her giggles now turning into laughs. Her laughs turning into loud chuckles.
“Genevieve, this isn’t funny! I’m seriously burning up here!” He turned his head to her, his face completely drenched. Was she really finding this that funny?
Genevieve was also wondering the same thing. Sebastian did a lot of stupid things in their time together, things that she’d gleefully taunt him about, seeing her boyfriend getting this flustered and flushed surely wasn’t the funniest thing she’d ever encountered.
“I—I know!” Genevieve laughed louder, holding her sides “…I-I can’t stop…” She brought a hand to her mouth, desperately trying to hold back her laughter.
Sebastian looked at her, realising that this was another possible reaction from Garreth’s damned potion. He scrambled quickly back to the potion station, his sweaty hands grabbing the parchment that came with the kit. He read out loud again.
“…The bottled warmth of Christmas Cheer…that moonmind!” Sebastian groaned. The heat clearly giving him a shorter temper now, “Warmth and cheer? He’s so bloody literal. Is there no space for nuance anymore?!” He threw the parchment down.
“Gen, I can’t do this. I need to take off more layers.” He pleaded. In that instant, Sebastian dropped his trousers, standing foolishly in the middle of the room with them around his ankles, his briefs still on, and shirt completely drenched through.
Any other time, this would have been a visual delight for Genevieve. But today, Genevieve briefly broke from her fit of laughter to see Sebastian pathetically standing in front of her, sweating head to toe, like a lost farm animal.
This only drove Genevieve into a whole new fit of laughter, tears streaming down her face. Her face contorted into a sob. She could barely catch her breath as the sight of Sebastian sent her howling in a manner she didn’t think was even possible.
“S-S-Sebastian…go—go away! It’s too f-f-funny—you—you look so st-stupi—“ Genevieve could barely finish her sentence before she lost herself completely in laughter. Doubling over, she rocked back and forth as she tried to control herself.
Sebastian paid little attention to how Genevieve was, in his mind, he was worse off. So what if she had a fit of the giggles?! He was warm.
His mind delirious, he didn’t even think to discard his trousers around his ankles, as he waddled around the room now, desperately putting out the fireplace with one Glacius after another.
The fire was out, yet he continued to sweat. It seemed like the heat was coming from himself.
Sebastian looked down at his body. He unbuttoned his shirt, peeling it off his soaked skin. He was bare, apart from his briefs that he kept on as his last shred of modesty.
“I-I’m making it hot.” He said in a shaky voice.
“YEAH YOU ARE!” Genevieve called out from the other side of the room, akin to a wolf whistle.
“NOT NOW, GENEVIEVE.” He yelled.
This only sent her off yet again, the continuous sounds of her laughter was now something Sebastian was starting to block out as he urgently tried to solve his predicament.
He looked down at his wand in his hand. Before pointing it to his other hand.
“Glacius”
A burst of ice shot out, encasing his other hand entirely. He felt his first moment of relief, as the ice cooled part of him down. He exhaled a sigh of relief.
“Gen—the ice! It works!” He turned around to face her, wand in one hand and and blocked up hand of ice in the other. He beamed stupidly at her.
Unfortunately for Genevieve, the sight only made him look even more ridiculous. As if it were even possible. She now saw a sight of what was usually her cool, calm and collected boyfriend, now half naked, trousers round his ankles, drenched from head to toe, and now sporting a ridiculous ice block for a hand. And of course, this only sent her into unbearable fits of laughter again. Now becoming painful.
She groaned now with pain, as her laughter hiccuped throughout her entire body.
“It—it hurts! Seb—make it stop!” Genevieve’s face contorted with both pain and new bouts of laughter.
Sebastian’s ice block hand started to drip, as the heat of his body still fought against the ice. He now turned his attention to Genevieve, who was writhing on the floor. He was completely baffled by the entire situation.
“Uhm…uhm….think of something sad!” He looked down at her, droplets falling from his ice hand.
Genevieve hardly responded to him as she rolled around, clutching her sides.
Sebastian’s ice block slipped off his hand at this point. Having decided it was now too warm, it fell with a thud onto the floor, sliding across the room towards the entrance, before abruptly coming to a stop as it hit something.
Someone.
“What—what in the WORLD is going on here?!”
The telltale voice of a very angry Ominis was heard. Genevieve and Sebastian, in the midst of the chaos, hardly noticed him entering the room.
“I’ve been waiting for you two in the common room for hours. Decided to seek you both out myself, only to hear what I can only describe as absolute bedlam coming from this wall.” His brows furrowed, unsure what on earth caused all this, only that the shrill laughter of a woman’s voice and the relentless sounds of spell casting was what compelled him to investigate.
Sebastian wiped more sweat off his forehead, although at this point, he was pretty much smearing it around his face.
“Ominis— I’m sorry. Garreth’s stupid potion—“
“Garreth’s potion? Say less. You should have known better Sebastian…”
Ominis turned his head towards the sound of Genevieve’s cackling.
“…and Genevieve.” He rolled his eyes.
“I’ll write to Garreth. You two sort yourselves out. And for Merlin’s sake Sebastian, pull your trousers up, I can hear the buckles dragging.”
“We didn’t—“ Sebastian interjected.
“I really don’t want to know.” Ominis waved a hand as he walked out.
“Merry Christmas to you both. Ridiculous.” He scoffed, finally exiting the room, leaving Sebastian and Genevieve waiting for word from Garreth.
Genevieve stifled another laugh again.
“Don’t you start again.” Sebastian snapped.
“S-sorry. Love you.” She giggled.
His face softened, finally starting to see the funnier side of this, letting out a soft chuckle.
“I love you too.” He replied, giving her a kiss on her forehead, that mildly trembled with her suppressed laughter, as he sheepishly crouched down to pick up his trousers again.
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sitp-recs · 1 year
Note
omg hello I hope ur having a good day. do u read crackfics or humor and if so do u have any favorites? I enjoy ur recs so I'm kinda 😶‍🌫️😶‍🌫️😶‍🌫️ Trying To See
Hi there! I hope your day is going well too 😊 I don’t read crack-ish fics often but I definitely have some favourites! I hope you enjoy these as much as I did:
Receipts by @moonflower-rose (M, 2k)
Pansy and Ginny have made a stupid wager and Draco may be the one who comes away a winner.
Never Gonna Give You Up by InnerLilith (E, 5k)
Five times Harry rickrolls Draco and one time Draco gets him back.
The Full Monty by @magpiefngrl (E, 10k)
Harry poses for a naked Auror calendar and Draco goes batshit crazy with lust.
Per my last letter (I hope you choke on it) by @fluxweeed and @lastontheboat (T, 10k)
Or: the one where Harry has writer’s block and Malfoy isn’t helping.
Aural Gratification by birdsofshore (E, 11k)
Harry's not gay – he just likes listening to exciting stories about Aurors. It's not his fault that the narrator's voice is so smooth, so expressive... and really rather hot. Check the podfic by agentmoppet here!
Title of Their Sex Tape by Cibee (T, 12k)
What are the Wizarding world's most elite law enforcers doing when they aren't catching criminals? It seems Auror Malfoy is often caught throwing food into Auror Potter's mouth when he's mid-yawn.
Crash (Into Me) by @sweet-s0rr0w (T, 14k)
Harry’s done plenty of ridiculous things for charity over the years, but Robards’ latest scheme really takes the biscuit. Or rather, the teacake.
you look so fine by michi_thekiller (E, 16k)
In which Draco is a Veela and Harry is his mate. Dark!Humor or Crack!Horror, you decide.
Draco Malfoy: Toilet Supremo by who_la_hoop (T, 26k)
It must be a vision brought on by eating cheese sarnies too close to bedtime, Harry thinks. There's no way that Draco Malfoy can really be standing on his doorstep, calling himself a Toilet Supremo, and expecting Harry to buy not only this unlikeliest of scenarios, but also a new loo.
Little Red Courgette by @blamebrampton (T, 31k)
When this season's purple courgettes are woefully thin, Draco Malfoy thinks it amounts to small beans. Next thing he knows, the Department of Standards is over-run with leeks, Brussels sprouts all sorts of legislative difficulties, and somebody appears to have put a roquette under Harry Potter. Can Draco seize a marrow victory? Or will his plans for peas be squashed?
The Four Ds of Apparition (or: Destination, Determination, Deliberation, and Dicks) by @eidheann and @firethesound (E, 36k)
After transferring to the Apparition Department, Harry's life becomes one big dick joke. And all his friends are arseholes. So is Malfoy, but what else is new? AKA Harry Potter and the eighteen twenty dicks.
Bite Me, Hate Memes by pir8fancier (E, 44k)
Draco Malfoy is incensed to realize that someone is trying to usurp his position as the premier Harry Potter hater.
The Liars Department by @dorthyanndrarry (T, 103k)
This is a story about Harry meeting up with Draco Malfoy four years after the war. And a story about Harry, well, not hating his job per say, but it's not like he has much to compare it to and it seemed fine. His whole life seemed fine. Then Malfoy came along with and his flashy suits and fast car making everything seem dull in comparison, and Harry... Harry couldn't just leave well enough alone.
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earnestly-endlessly · 2 years
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Hey there! Thank you so much for your recs, I have a request. Coul you rec crack fics or funny cherik fics? I need a bit of that in my life.
Hi anon, thanks for your request. Who doesn't need some good old crack fic once in a while? Even though this fandom loves allll the angst, there is a surprising amount of funny fics in this fandom. These are not all of the fics, but these are those who I enjoy thoroughly and I hope you do too.
Funny/Crack Cherik Fics
Humane Society – smilebackwards
Summary: Once Erik finally allows himself to decide that Charles is pretty much the best thing since sliced bread, he spends the next week being incredibly bitter that he's Charles' cat and not his boyfriend.
Scenes from the wild – nekosmuse
Summary: Erik Lehnsherr, world renowned wilderness survivalist, alongside his husband, Charles Xavier, survive the perils of the wild in order to bring you, Two Men, One Knife, an award winning reality survival series, available only on the Discovery Channel. Follow Erik and Charles as they travel to the world's most remote locations with only the most basic of supplies. Pitted against nature, this husband-husband team struggle to survive in some of the world's harshest climates while battling the planet's fiercest predators. Can they survive the Canadian North? Find out next season, on Two Men, One Knife
Now with additional scenes.
Order Up - ikeracity
Summary: Charles has a terrible habit of multitasking, and that is probably why he absentmindedly tells the pizza man that he loves him when hanging up. 
Then the pizza man says it back. And Charles is pretty much smitten from there.
Conspiracy of kisses – Alaceron
Summary: Seven-year-old Erik needs to keep his telepathic best friend Charles from finding out that he wants to kiss him. But that's okay, because he has a plan - he'll put on a tinfoil hat.
In Plain Sight –arcapelago (arcanewriter)
Summary: A story where Charles and Erik have basically been together from the first time they met. The whole fate, wow we found each other thing. Now I would like the others not to know and try to bring the two 'oblivious' guys together. They of course enjoy this quite a lot 
Don’t fuck with people who can do it better – orphan_account
Summary: Erik and Charles loudly pretend to have sex in retaliation for innuendo made by the kids.
In the moonlight, on a joy ride – scarlettblush
Summary:Librarian AU. Charles is the young librarian and Erik is the college student who is completely besotted with him. 
I ♥ NY (It’s My Friends I’m Not Sure Of) - oddegg
Summary: Erik is a single, successful man who likes quick sex with no strings attached. Then, he meets college professor Charles and it's love at first sight, at least for him. Charles, who heard of Erik's notorious ways, wants nothing to do with him besides being friends. Cue Erik bending over backwards to steal Charles' heart.
This Crazy Game Called Life – chiasmus
Summary: Raven declares game night in the mansion. Sean finds an elephant, Erik inherits one hundred unwanted cats, and Charles scars Hank for life with misdirected dirty thinking. 
5 Ways Logan Fixed Everything (Like a Boss) – Starlingthefool
Summary: What would have happened if Charles and Erik had managed to recruit Logan?
(In which Logan solves everyone's problems through snark and BAMFery.)
Magneto’s Redemption – Ook
Summary: Kink meme prompt response. Prompter wanted Erik to lose his evil, harsh reputation as a mutant terrorist by accident. 
Well, what can you do, with a prompt like that, except inject it as full as possible with crack and pad it out a bit with some fluff?
Erik’s Very Good ™ Foolproof Plan - BrightTerror
Summary: Erik has a habit of speaking and thinking in german when he is thinking about Charles so that even if he reads his mind he won't know he is thinking about him. Its a foolproof plan. 
Problem is, Charles can speak perfect german and no one thought to tell Erik this crucial fact.
One Hundred One Night Stands – Sophia_Bee
Summary: Charles has a rule. Never fuck the same guy twice. When he refuses to see Erik again after a one night stand, Erik goes about trying to get Charles to violate that rule using accents and disguises.
As foretold in the stars – alexavindr (orphan_account)
Summary: When Charles receives news from his Divination teacher that he's going to find the love of his life, Erik tries to talk him out of it. 
Unfortunately for both of them, someone—Raven, obviously—decides to orchestrate a cruel prank, including the most popular girl at Hogwarts, and an incredibly potent love potion.
Erik Lehnsherr’s Guide to Parenting – keire_ke
Summary: Alex chalks up his grudging love for his dad to Stockholm Syndrome. He’s not going to stand idly by while Erik harvests Mr. Xavier’s innocent soul, however. Human AU.
The Amazing Adventures of Cat-Man - so_shhy
Summary: Charles is the non-powered, butt-kicking, high-tech teen sidekick of a cheesy superhero. Erik is the sidekick of the corresponding cheesy supervillain, and makes Charles's life even more complicated than it already is.
Se
Omega Online – miss_aphelion
Summary: Newly imprinted Charles is having trouble dealing with his overly protective alpha—so in desperation he seeks advice in an omega chat room. Emma Frost is more than happy to help, Raven isn't helping at all, and Erik can't stand to be out of touch with Charles for more than five minutes at a time.
Surely shifted my way – Traincat
Summary: The one where Erik and Charles get engaged, Raven is an x-treme wedding planner and the kids get way too involved. Oh, and there are doves everywhere. Modern slightly!AU, where everyone is together and alive and happy because it's weddingfic and weddingfic is allowed to do that.
The Holiday Lights Battle – so_shhy
Summary: Some people take their Christmas lights a little too seriously. Erik is one of those people.
So is his new neighbour, Sebastian Shaw.
Abduction Seduction – TurtleTotem, luninosity
Summary: "Seriously," Charles said, and stared at the alien. "Seriously. No."
"A successful mating demonstration will earn you food," the alien reminded them helpfully, from the other side of the clear glowing door.
How to Get a Midgardian Boyfriend: a Guide by Charles Odinson – cachinnation
Summary: The king of all Asgard had three sons, and of the three Odinsons, one was golden and tempestuous and kingly, and the other two were right headaches. After Charles, Odin stopped bringing children home.
We Welcome Our New Sexbot Overlords – professor
Summary:Robot!Erik falls in love, takes over the world, and keeps Charles in a giant birdcage. And then, it gets complicated. 
My Barbaric Darling – baehj2915
Summary: Erik is revivified caveman. Charles is the anthropologist(?) taking care of him. This is as ridiculous as it sounds. Romcom misunderstandings and prehistoric wooing ensues.
Eucalyptus leaf of my soul – kageillusionz, ourgirlfriday
Summary: Zookeeper Raven at Taronga Zoo keeps having ideas on how to capitalize on interest in the zoo mascots, Koala Charles and Drop Bear Erik (the only drop bear in captivity!), who have captured the hearts and minds of the public. First it was to introduce prospective mates (It’ll generate attention, Hank. People are perverts. They’d love to see koala porn.). This idea was not effective the first through fifth attempts, as Erik and Charles seemed to show at best polite interest in the newcomer before resuming whatever marsupial debate they had going. However, the resulting lesbian koala orgies did indeed generate interest. Then Raven unveiled the Hug-A-Koala program, which was successful, as the public showed great interest in hugging Charles, and Charles seemed to enjoy being hugged. 
Then Raven unveiled the Hug-A-Drop Bear program, and Hank, not for the first time, wished he had a flask handy.
Other Crabs Cannot Be Trusted – groovyphilia
Summary: Erik is a hermit crab and proud. He is also stalking a shore crab named Charles.
In which everybody in XMFC is a crab.
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lucky-bishop · 6 months
Note
Which ever numbers are crack lol 😆
Thanks for the ask! Lol there's a solid few. Here's three, since the other asks have also been in groups of three:
#7. Creature Feature This is a S1 AU (I know, shocker, I never write those) where Scott, Stiles, Derek, and the sheriff work together and desperately want to figure out who the alpha is. They’re not very good at it, and they end up accusing the wrong person over and over again, but that person also always turns out to be some other type of supernatural creature.
Here's a snip where they figure it out:
An alarm bell starts ringing in the back of the sheriff’s mind. “Wait, so your whole family were werewolves?” Derek nods. “Yeah, at least most of us. My dad was human, and two of my cousins were as well.” “So your Uncle Peter is a werewolf, right?” “Yes? But why are you…” Derek’s eyes go wide as he realizes what the sheriff is getting at. “Oh my god. We need to get to the hospital right now.”
#15. Monsterfucker Dildos Stiles likes funny monster dildos. Stiles finds a site with incredible reviews where he takes a little test and gets his own custom monster dildo. When he fucks himself with it for the first time and the knot locks inside of him, it turns into an actual monster, and Stiles becomes its mate. I haven't decided whether I want this to be Steter with alpha werewolf Peter or Stiles/monster OC where it's a much different type of monster than a werewolf.
#31. stiles is horny and has access to a 3d printer Another one with a WIP title that is very much so just what it says on the tin, hahaha. Stiles wants a 3d printed dildo but feels like he can't use his own for the mold because that would be weird so he asks the pack and everyone is like dude. no. BUT Peter who has had feelings for Stiles longer than appropriate is like "I volunteer as tribute, but if you want a cock in you, we can do that another way." and oblivious ass Stiles is like "No I know you don't want me, but thanks for letting me make a mold of your cock." and Peter is like "You idiot. You stupid child." then they fuck. But Stiles also gets his mold for his 3d printed dildo. And eventually gets DP'd with Peter's real and fake cock. For scientific reasons.
Send me a number, 1-37, and I'll tell you what I can about that Teen Wolf WIP in my Google Docs.
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helloliriels · 1 year
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'2022 YEAR OF THE CRACK FIC' CHALLENGE IS ON!
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Are you writing a Crack Fic to enter in this years' Challenge? Any questions? Let me know! What is Crack? - If you wouldn't normally write it - too silly, too over the top, too out of your box? Write it! Toss it in the ring! THis is YoUr ChaNce To ThRoW OuT thE RuLeS! Do eet. Thank me later. Bahaha! (and maybe win some art in return?!)
🍬 Do Not Microwave Him! by FawnHickory - Part 1 of Skittles series!
🍫 Skittles by FawnHickory - Part 2 of the Skittles series!
🍭 Dinner Jackets & Deception by trillian_jdc- Mycroft Holmes and Greg Lestrade are spies, sent to gather information from a target through seduction if necessary, but they find each other a bit of a distraction.
🍬 In Another Life by RiTheBiGuy_TileyTMR- My submission for the year of the crack fic challenge so enjoy. Also this just gets so ridiculous so yeah I have no idea how to prepare you all for that …
🍫 Love Potion No.9 by helloliriels - Sherlock pretends to be under the spell of a love potion to hit on John and see how he takes it? In which, Sherlock Holmes is a shy genius. And Mike & Molly are good wingmen.
🍭 Did You Steal My Penis? by FawnHickory- John is trying to have a nice cup of tea when Sherlock has a small crisis.
🍬 Love At First Bite by Fluffbyday_Smutbynight - “It’ll be fun,” Mike had said. Recently discharged John Watson has an… interesting night out.
🍫 Snow Angels, Baker Street Style by FawnHickory - John discovers a hole in Greg’s life experiences and remedies it rather creatively.
🍭 Vegetables by FawnHickory - Sherlock is accidentally exposed to a hallucinogenic substance. The comparisons his mind makes are interesting.
🍬 Sherlock Needs a Doctor … For His Writing by trillian_jdc - Sherlock tries writing up some of his own cases, but he needs some medical advice. Perhaps Mycroft knows a candidate?
🍫 Birdie Sitting! by FawnHickory - Part 3 of the Skittles series!
🍭 Zing and You’ll Miss It! by Raina_at - Every year, the monster community meets at Halloween for a big party. Sherlock is bored out of his mind as usual, when suddenly a handsome human stumbles into the monster party. 
🍬 Do Not Download the Souls! by helloliriels - Sherlock ‘on-the-side-of-the-angels’ Holmes was not supposed to be a detective … John Hamish Watson was not supposed to be dead … We all have bad days. (WIP)
🍫 So You’re Like Me by Yuliares - The sun is going down, and John Watson is standing in front of a looming mansion with a delivery for one Sherlock Holmes. aka “Homosexula” Twitter crack
🍭 CPR by MutedSilence - Sherlock sings CPR by CupcakKe when he’s alone. What can he say, it’s catchy.
🍬 It Happens For Good by hey_there_buddy - “John, have you-” John stared at Sherlock, his blue eyes boring into the detective’s calculating one, waiting for Sherlock to finish the sentence. Which Sherlock never finished.
🍫 No matter the chase, it’s you by my side by Yuliares - “Jesus Christ!” yells John, nearly spilling his hot mug of tea over his lap. He glares as Sherlock bursts into the room. “What is it now?”
“It’s Valentine’s day,” hisses Sherlock, stabbing the mantlepiece, face scrunched up in disdain.
🍭 A Tooth For A Traumatic Experience by MutedSilence - Sherlock loses a tooth and learns about the tooth fairy.
🍬 Speak Now! by Raina_at - Now is not the time to say something ... Last chance. Make up your mind, Holmes!
🍫 I Will Go Down With This Ship! by helloliriels - Their ship was sinking. John & Sherlock hold each other. (yes, I rewatched Titanic)
🍭 Duet by PlantsAreNeat - Intimacy can be measured by how comfortable one feels with another person, even at moments when perhaps, one should feel embarrassed.
🍬 Why Are You Hiding In The Dark? by FawnHickory - Fill for a Tumblr prompt! Dialogue prompt “…Why are you hiding in the dark?”
🍫 Mrs. Hudson’s Crack Brew! by ChrisCalledMeSweetie Mrs. Hudson is beginning to regret the part she played in bringing Sherlock and John together. Not to put too fine a point on it, those boys are LOUD. Can she find a way to make things better? Or will she only make them worse? It all depends on your perspective…
🍭 Sherly Boner and Jammy Hotson Investigate the Threatened Queens by MutedSilence. Sherlock never expected John Watson to be a great Drag Queen. He will have John in his bed by the end of the night - consensually of course.
🍬 I Love Lamp by helloliriels. It was a ridiculous whim … buying the lamp. And Sherlock just might lose his mind, trying to unlock it’s secrets … 
🍫 Uncover My (S)mouldering Heart by Asterisko. The mould in 221C might not be what it seems.
🍭 Human Urges by topsyturvy_turtely. John hated it. He utterly and truly hated it. He despised himself for it. It was going on his nerves. In fact it annoyed the fucking SHIT out of him. That stupid, always present, torturing urge to be kissed!
🍬 Sherlock’s Secret Laboratory Journal by meet_me_in_samarra. What does a helplessly pining but absolutely clueless Sherlock do in order to woo an oblivious John? He turns to the internet for advice on the art of seduction and notes the experiments in his secret laboratory journal …
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Have a Crack Fic to add to the Challenge?? Post it on AO3 and add it to ‘2022_Crack_Fix’ collection, or tag @helloliriels with ‘#2022 year of the crack fic’ on Tumblr!
@johnlocky @ohlooktheresabee @chinike @rhasima @myriath @fawnhickory @john-smiths-jawline @gaylilsherlock @chriscalledmesweetie @topsyturvy-turtely @justanobsessedpan @bluebellofbakerstreet @inevitably-johnlocked @meetinginsamarra @musingsofmyown @janetm74 @sgam76 @mutedsilence @summerfly-lesbian @impalaparkedat221b @raina-at @khorazir @kettykika78 @kaursblog11 @luciengenic @safedistancefrombeingsmart @masterofhounds @whatnext2020 @loki-lock @detafo @lavenderandvanilla @johannadc @jilldarbc @dinner--starving @therealsaintscully @calaisreno @purplevatican @arwamachine @discordantwords @simplyclockwork @totallysilvergirl @blogstandbygo @writingloud
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would people be interested in more gaudy stuck!fics 👀
if yes feel free to give prompts if you fancy 😈
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inevitably-johnlocked · 11 months
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Hi I was wondering if you could help me find something that was a big joke in the sherlock fandom here back during its peak-
I'm looking for a fanfic that was a crack fic I think, or along the lines of my immortal.
All I remember about it is Anderson was heavily involved somehow and I think maybe the word flower is in the title (?)
I decided to rewatch Sherlock and Anderson came on screen and suddenly gave me flashbacks to this, but it came from deep in my mind palace lol and I don't remember anything else
Help would be much appreciated!
Hey Lovely!
Oh gosh this doesn't sound familiar at all, and I was certain I KNEW of everything going on even though I was a sideliner, LOL! Learn something new everyday, hahah!
Anyone able to help us out with this one?
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