#crackcember
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Crackcember, baby
Aren’t you tired of taking things seriously all the time? Don’t you just want to go apeshit?
Now, with Crackcember, you can! Equipped with ridiculous prompts I came up with in the span of a half hour, you, too, can now write crackwhump.
Since this is official in zero ways, you can do as many or as little of these as you want! You can do them out of order! You can do them whenever! The last thing I want is for writing crackwhump to be stressful, because that is exactly not the point. Honestly it’s more a of a prompt list for those who wish to join me in crackwhump hell. Without further ado, my brainrot:
Worm on a string
Vaguely threatening can of beans
They did surgery on a grape
I don’t have a Costco membership??!
Fish in the tube, what will he do
Teeth in places they shouldn’t be (Be creative loves <3)
Hot Pockets~
There are only cargo shorts
What if we kissed in ___? Haha, jk...unless…?
Some choccy milk (cuz you’re epic)
Only five cornflakes
Ladies’ night at Cheesecake Factory!
You open a yeti cooler and there is an opossum inside
Handful of multiracial plastic babies
Spaghetti bolognese and rice
Carpeted shower
Bone density machine, I left it in the park
There is a slice of pizza stuck to the ceiling
Wake up, Paul Hollywood is standing over you
It’s time for lettuce club
Low res picture of a horse, oh god those teeth look long
Long furby, with a blender
Tree! It grows squids
But what does good mac and cheese sound like?
A work of art by Da Vinky…
I came home and there was a lobster on the couch
This is an Old Spice commercial
Even now the evil seed of what you’ve done germinates within you
Fistfight the Keebler elves!
Texting your minecraft girlfriend
The only things in the fridge are a balloon animal and a bottle of soy sauce. Dinner?
But Nemi, you think, I’m intimidated by the powerful aura of prompts such as numbers 19 and 29. No worries, young crackling! I have a handful of alternate prompts as well, consisting of words and images!
Alternates!
Word prompts:
Moist
Crunchy
Effervescent
Pigeons
Tweed
Teeth
Sponge
Image prompts:
So uh yeah lmk if you write any crackwhump based on this (or draw, I guess). I wanna see it. Just tag it with “crackcember” and what prompt you used :) (for images just, uh, say “image prompt” don’t try to describe these you might hurt yourself).
#crackcember#please someone laugh at my stupid brain disease#i have to do my homework but god said spread crackwhump plague#i literally laughed at myself so many times making these#nemi thinks she's so damn funny hours#i just want my lovely friends to laugh and be happy#it gets lonely in cursed town#come join me i have three plastic pumpkins and a whiteboard#crackwhump
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And Emphasis On Scent
Crackcember: Day 3 (Alt Prompt: Effervescent)
This chapter is far longer than I meant it to be, and I’ve got a feeling the next one will be too. Cheers to crackwhump owning all of my braincells!
Content warnings: manhandling, noncon (nonsexual) touch, light head injury
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Previous
“Cool, okay,” Hilbert sighed to himself, “I’ll get out soon enough. Right.”
He eyed the duffel bag with disdain. There was no use in trying to pack anything when he wasn’t planning on going anywhere but back home. This would be a much better opportunity to escape, as long as he could get off the duct tape holding his ankles together.
Hilbert sat back, trying to find the end of the tape with numbed fingers to peel it off. Dennis apparently had no regard for his circulation, considering the lost dexterity in his fingers and now the light tingling on his feet, and he was more than ready to be free of his bonds.
It didn’t take him long to realize this may be a more difficult task than he anticipated, though. The layers of tape around his ankles were thick and wide, twisting above and below them over and over. With the edges tucked away and the whole thing being far too thick to tear through, packing the duffel bag with whatever he could find was looking like a better and better option.
Hilbert let out a sigh as he gave in and grabbed it, glancing inside to check that the can of beans was indeed the only item inside. Other than that… he glanced beside him at the abandoned ping pong paddles sitting near a ball that must have fallen off the shelf after them, figured it couldn’t hurt--figuratively, at least--and threw them in his bag.
A neon blur caught the corner of his eye when he looked over and sitting next to him, right where it had been abandoned only a day or two prior, was the little worm toy from Dennis. Eggbert, he’d named it. Hilbert berated himself as he stowed it in the bag, debating what purpose it could possibly serve, but it was better something than nothing. Maybe showing some appreciation for the toy would appease his captor.
He slumped back against the pillar, squinting to see the rest of the room, but it didn’t help much at all. Perhaps there was something on the pool table that he couldn’t see from his vantage point, but it wasn’t worth the effort of attempting to stand with his bound legs and teetering on over to check. There was definitely something he’d forgotten, but Dennis chose that moment to come thundering back down the stairs and it was too late.
He zipped the duffel bag, threw it over Hilbert’s shoulder, bound his hands in the same fashion again, picked him up bridal style--much to his displeasure--and they were off. Dennis was being uncharacteristically quiet for once as he carried Hilbert up the stairs and out the door, setting him down on the floor once they were back on level ground so he could see the hulking vehicle before them.
“There she is!” Dennis clapped him on the back, right over the sensitive welts. Hilbert hissed in pain, waddling awkwardly to face him and protect his injuries as best as possible.
A firm hand on his chin wrenched his head back forward, pointing at what must have been the RV. Hilbert nodded absently, unable to make out more than the general shape of the vehicle without his glasses. Dennis seemed to notice and sighed dramatically, whipping Hilbert’s head back over to him so he could slide the rectangular frames back on his face, none too gently, and turned him to look right back where he had before.
The RV was… well, it was certainly a vehicle. There wasn’t much nice to say beyond that. What must have once been bright red paint was chipped and faded, a dirty maroon stripped down to brown the lower it went. The front of the thing was dented all over and the windshield looked to be permanently encrusted with dirt and grime.
Hilbert really wasn’t looking forward to seeing the interior.
“Pretty neat, huh? She’s ready to roll and take us wherever I please,” Dennis nodded, seemingly quite proud of himself considering all he did was shell out some cash.
“I don’t suppose that includes my apartment?”
“Course not!” He grinned, grabbing Hilbert’s elbow and dragging him forward. The largely empty bag fell against his shin with every movement. “You’re never gonna want your apartment back once you see what this baby has in store.”
“Worth a try,” he muttered, fighting the losing battle to stay on his feet. At least Dennis had the slightest bit of foresight and brought a ramp to drag him gracelessly up into the RV.
The first thing he saw when they entered was a sitting area furnished with torn cushions right across from a shoddy kitchenette. Hilbert grimaced at some dark stains around the sink that looked suspiciously like mold. Dim yellow lighting cast a sickly glow over the whole space.
“Stop gawking, this isn’t even the best part!” Dennis pulled him past the main area back to a hallway with a door on either side and a room in the back. “I think that’s an ironing board or something,” he said, waving to the door on the left.
“Or something? Do you even know what all you bought?” Hilbert asked and Dennis stopped dead in his tracks, righting his captive before he fell to the floor.
“Fine, let’s see,” he said, shoving Hilbert in front of the door and opening it without warning. The ironing board inside swung out and down before he could comprehend what was happening, hitting him square in the forehead. “And there’s your answer,” Dennis nodded, pulling Hilbert along without a second glance. He grimaced, massaging the sore spot on his head as well as he could with his hands bound and wondering whose bright idea it was to make the ironing board block off the hallway.
The next room he stumbled into had a luxurious queen sized bed with a flowery comforter: the only part of the miserable vehicle that seemed presentable so far.
“This is the bedroom!” Dennis practically glowed with excitement. “Mmm… effervescent~!”
Hilbert would have questioned whether Dennis even knew what that word meant, but he realized he wasn’t particularly sure himself. If anything was right there, though, it was the ‘scent’ part. The whole room had a metallic sort of stench, like a coin, that made him wrinkle his nose. A real effervescent cent scent.
What was more concerning, though, was the fact that this seemed to be the only bedroom, which meant...
“I’m not sharing a fucking bed with you,” Hilbert spat out.
“What?” Dennis fixed him with an incredulous look, barking out a laugh. “No duh. You’re not allowed anywhere near my bed. We’ve got a shared restroom over there,” he said, pointing to a separate room at the end of the hallway, “but your room is right over here.”
He led them back to the door across from the ironing board and pulled it open in a grand, sweeping motion. Hilbert wasn’t sure what he was expecting but he shouldn’t have been surprised to see a small, musty broom closet in front of him.
“But,” Dennis took the duffel bag from him and threw it into the small space, shut the door, and put the ironing board back up as they stepped past, “since I’m nice, you won’t have to stay in there too often as long as you’re cooperative. Right now, you and I are gonna spend some quality time together.”
Next
#whump#crackwhump#crackcember#effervescent#manhandling#noncon touching#head injury#not anything bad though. tame hours around here#hooray for roadtrip hours!#Dennis Mennis#Hilbert Griffith#Eggbert Griffith#eggbert is back! he's ready for this epic roadtrip#the only one not hyped enough here is hilbert#sadboi time#yo okay i just had an epiphany for the next chapter turn up lads i figured out how to fix the issue i'm having#epic simple solutions that should have been obvious from the beginning#okay anyhowww#shoutout to the super cool post scheduling feature around here#y'all are seeing this post right now at four p m eastern time#but i don't even have my phone out because i'm at a bowling match and am not allowed to have my phone#it's a technology miracle#kinda disappointed because i lowkey stole the title joke from the chapter but listen effervescent made it hard to get something decent#okay that's enough tags i gotta get stuff done while i still can
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[Typed version:
Crackcember
improbable domestication
good/bad luck
secret society
strange habits
misconceptions/misunderstandings
swearing | no swearing around children | funny ways to swear | oaths
secret skill/secret power
tired | sleep deprived | emotionally tired/Done
truth or dare
meme | trend/fad | inside jokes
evil genius | evil laughter
cooking | cooking up a scheme | cooking gone wrong
games | Calvinball | Monopoly | BS
singing | catchy song | concert
prophecy
spam emails | porch thieves
meta | fanfiction | fourth wall breaks
spy | laser hallway
historical figures | ruining history
romantic comedy | meet ugly
cult | new religion | misplaced worship
rivalry | frenemies | nemesis
bureaucracy | malicious compliance
eating the inedible
imposter
automation | robots | autopilot
mundane | routine | procedure
IKEA | shopping | walmart
fashion crimes
phobias | jumpscares | horror movies
overdue book fees & similar petty crime
BONUS: during one of these prompts, rickroll your audience.
typed version ends.]
Are you tired from a long year of writing emotionally draining, serious fanfiction? Do you need a fun break? Worry not! Crackcember is here to save the day and make you and your readers laugh!
Similar to Whumptober and Comfortember, Crackcember is a month-long writing challenge. Please note that, in the light-hearted spirit of crack, this is not meant to be something stressful! Don’t feel obligated to fill every prompt if you decide to participate, and feel free to interpret things liberally/fill prompts out of order/bend this challenge to suit your needs however you like.
I’m looking forward to seeing what everyone comes up with! If you do participate, please add your works to the Crackcember 2020 Collection, and/or tag with Crackcember 2020!
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All Merch
All Merch
by Authoress Lilly
Prompt: Apart from his hero analysis notebooks, Izuku also had another hobby: making little figurines of his favorite heroes.
Words: 2929, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English
Series: Part 5 of How Much Crack Can Lilly Crack When Lilly Commits To Crack
Fandoms: 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Categories: Gen
Characters: Midoriya Izuku, Kaminari Denki, Ashido Mina, Sero Hanta, Kirishima Eijirou, Bakugou Katsuki, Uraraka Ochako, Iida Tenya, Class 1-A, Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead
Relationships: Midoriya Inko & Midoriya Izuku, Iida Tenya & Midoriya Izuku & Uraraka Ochako, Bakugou Katsuki & Midoriya Izuku
Additional Tags: Fluff and Crack, Henceforth referred to as Flack, cassiopeia721's Crackcember 2020, Midoriya Izuku makes merch, which was not an already existing tag, For shame, get on that yall, Class 1-A Shenanigans, Misunderstandings, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously
Read Here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29027190
#AO3 Feed#FanFiction#AO3 Izuku#♦#Izuku Midoriya#Inko Midoriya#Iida Tenya#Ochako Uraraka#R:T#A:Authoress#Fluff
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Certified Cuddlist
Certified Cuddlist
by DanceInTheKitchen
By the time Class 1-a went on their internships, Izuku was confident in his ability to effectively use hug therapy. Luckily this skill became incredibly handy when he, Todoroki and Iida were facing down Stain. As a certified cuddlist, Izuku felt qualified to dropkick the weapons out of Stain's hands and cut his rant off by giving him a hug.
Stain blue screened long enough for the police to arrive and arrest him.
And this was how Stain's hero killing spree finally ended. He was defeated by Izuku Midoriya's cuddling power.
Or, hug therapy- Class 1-A style.
Words: 1483, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English
Series: Part 1 of Crackcember 2020
Fandoms: 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Categories: Gen
Characters: Midoriya Izuku, Bakugou Mitsuki, Bakugou Katsuki, Todoroki Shouto, Dabi, Akaguro Chizome | Stain, Iida Tenya, Monoma Neito, Shinsou Hitoshi
Relationships: Class 1-A & Midoriya Izuku, Bakugou Katsuki & Midoriya Izuku, Midoriya Izuku & Todoroki Shouto, Iida Tenya & Midoriya Izuku
Additional Tags: manga spoliers, but like.... the one spoiler literally everyone knows, Dabi is Todoroki Touya, Hugs, Hug Therapy, mix of fluff and crack, so not really super cracky.. mostly just, Fluff and Humor, Class 1-A Shenanigans, Class 1-A as Family, Gift Fic, gift fic for Squirrel, Hi squirrel!!, tldr version:, class 1-a goes plus ultra on everything, including hugging their enemies, what defeated afo?, Midoriya's cuddling power, thats it thats the fic, Crackcember 2020
Read Here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27829321
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All Merch
All Merch
by Authoress Lilly
Prompt: Apart from his hero analysis notebooks, Izuku also had another hobby: making little figurines of his favorite heroes.
Words: 2929, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English
Series: Part 5 of How Much Crack Can Lilly Crack When Lilly Commits To Crack
Fandoms: 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Categories: Gen
Characters: Midoriya Izuku, Kaminari Denki, Ashido Mina, Sero Hanta, Kirishima Eijirou, Bakugou Katsuki, Uraraka Ochako, Iida Tenya, Class 1-A, Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead
Relationships: Midoriya Inko & Midoriya Izuku, Iida Tenya & Midoriya Izuku & Uraraka Ochako, Bakugou Katsuki & Midoriya Izuku
Additional Tags: Fluff and Crack, Henceforth referred to as Flack, cassiopeia721's Crackcember 2020, Midoriya Izuku makes merch, which was not an already existing tag, For shame, get on that yall, Class 1-A Shenanigans, Misunderstandings, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously
Read Here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29027190
#AO3 Feed#FanFiction#AO3 Kaminari#♠#Denki Kaminari#Izuku Midoriya#Inko Midoriya#⚡#R:T#A:Authoress#Fluff
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Two Spies Walk into a Bar. "Oh Brother"
Two Spies Walk Into A Bar. "Oh Brother"
by Authoress Lilly
What do you get when you combine Iida brothers shenanigans and Crackcember?
This fic.
Words: 2991, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English
Series: Part 3 of How Much Crack Can Lilly Crack When Lilly Commits To Crack
Fandoms: 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Categories: M/M
Characters: Iida Tenya, Iida Tensei | Ingenium, Midoriya Izuku
Relationships: Iida Tensei | Ingenium & Iida Tenya, Iida Tenya/Midoriya Izuku
Additional Tags: Additional characters in the background, Crack, Like Real Real Crack, The Crackiest Crack I Ever Cracked, for real, Alternate Universe - No Quirks, Iida Brothers as a Secret Agent Duo, but crack, Some blood and Injury mentions, but also crack, Have I Mentioned This Is Crack?, Crackcember 2020
Read Here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28247181
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A Wormthwhile Experience
Crackcember: Day 1
This is the beginning of a new series based in crackwhump: whump stemming from unusual, often silly, concepts. If you’re looking for a sincere, serious story this may not be for you, but I say don’t knock it ‘till you try it!
HUGE props to @brutal-nemesis for being the resident crackwhump extraordinaire and enabler, and for hosting Crackcember: the immaculate prompt list this story will be using! I most likely won’t be participating in every day of the challenge, but I’ll do as much as I can.
Content warnings: creepy/intimate whumper, noncon (nonsexual) touch, choking/strangulation
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“Are you getting lonely, Hilbert?” Dennis inclined his head
“Why should you care?”
“I just figured ever since our trip got delayed… well, the basement isn’t all that exciting is it?” He spread his arms, gesturing to the small room around them. Dennis wasn’t wrong, per se. The cold tiled floor currently freezing Hilbert’s legs only held a pool table and the rest of the room was vacant save for a few ping pong paddles, shards of what appeared to be broken glass, and a box tv somehow mounted on the wall.
“Your frequent visits certainly spice things up,” Hilbert deadpanned.
“Aww, I’m glad-”
“But if you’re implying you’re gonna kidnap me a friend then you better let me pick them out myself. I’m not dealing with a shitty roommate on top of all this,” he said, looking up from where he was restrained, hands fastened around a pole behind him with tape, judging by the sticky feeling every time he shifted.
“Ooh, you’re just full of good ideas aren’t you? Buuut not yet. For now~” Dennis sing-songed, turning around to grab the bin he’d lugged down the stairs just minutes earlier, “I brought some substitutes!”
Hilbert squinted at him, trying to figure out if his captor was really serious about this. Just what the hell was in that bin that could substitute human contact? Why were there air holes poked in the top?!
“Alright,” Dennis’s voice dropped to a conspiratorial whisper, “you’re gonna have to be really quiet once I take this lid off, okay? My friends don’t like a lot of noise. They might get aggressive.”
“Woah, hold on a second, what’s in the box then? I thought you- I- what are your, ah-” Hilbert went to raise his hands and make air quotes but they caught against the pole.”...your, quote, friends?” No sooner had the words left his mouth than Dennis slapped him across the face.
“Don’t be rude!” he chastised, “Not what, but who, Hilbert.”
“...for the love of all things good, please don’t tell me you’ve actually got a living creature in that box.”
Dennis was already unfastening the lid before Hilbert could get an answer, and it came to him instead in the blinding rainbow of colors that sprang up when the lid’s pressure released them. A mountainous mass of mismatched colors stood before him, some spilling over the side of the bin to the floor. It took a second for him to process what he was even staring at, and it didn’t make sense even once he had.
There had to be hundreds of miniature creatures, each one long and thin, made with fluffy fabric that tapered to a point at each end. A variety of different sizes made up the pile, ranging from the length of a finger to the size of his forearm. Two beady eyes made up the face of every noodle, completed with what looked to be a length of transparent string hanging off the end.
“Dennis, what-”
“Shhhh…” Dennis leaned over the mound and pressed a finger to Hilbert’s lips. It followed him when he recoiled back against the pole. “One of these,” he started, softly, meeting his captives eyes, “is not my friend.”
Hilbert furrowed his brows, staying silent if only to keep from getting hit again.
“One of them is your friend. They will know you and seek you out, but we must watch carefully to see their signal.” He retracted his finger, only to dig both hands into the bin and mix the noodle-like items around. Watching them flop all over each other was almost mesmerizing, and it would have been pleasant had they not been spilling over the side, falling all over Hilbert’s lap.
“Would your friends mind giving me a bit of personal space?” he hissed.
Dennis hummed, ignoring the comment in favor of running nimble fingers over the mess he’d made. At one point, Hilbert almost thought he saw one of the little noodles wiggle on its own, but the flash of a string attached showed that it was just Dennis’s doing.
“Look!” he gasped under his breath.
“You’re making the thing move. There’s a string on it and you’re making it move.”
Without skipping a beat, Dennis skimmed one hand back down the pile of noodles until he found a particularly large one with a string much longer than any other so far. He kept a hand on the small one in front of Hilbert, a neon green noodle, making it curl around his fingers and rise off the ground as he stood and moved behind him.��
Dennis draped the larger creature on Hilbert’s neck, earning a flinch from the other man, and before he realized what was happening the long, thin string was wound a few times around his neck, tied with the other end to create a complete loop, and suspended on a hook protruding from the pole.
Hilbert straightened up to avoid the sudden choking pressure. He gasped for breath, shooting a glare up at Dennis who only smiled and pushed Hilbert’s head forward, forcing the thin cord to tighten and cut off his breath. Thin, wheezing gasps accompanied the small worm’s next movements.
“This one definitely likes you,” Dennis whispered with a giggle that ghosted over his captive’s ear. “I think they’re ready to tell you their name.”
He crept the noodle closer to Hilbert’s face, to his obvious dismay, dragging the soft fabric up under his glasses and through his hair, finally stopping when it curled around his ear.
“Can you hear them?”
“The noodle toy is not going to talk to-” Hilbert started, cut off by a choking sound as Dennis pushed him.
“They are a worm, and they are not a toy. Can you hear them?” He punctuated his words with shoves against Hilbert’s head, leaving him fighting for even the smallest breath. He nodded frantically, mouthing words that couldn’t make it out through his constricted windpipe.
“Good,” Dennis let up. “Now tell me what their name is.”
“Uh- they- they said-” Hilbert gasped between words, trying to control his breathing enough to speak steadily. “They s-said… Dennis Junior?”
“Hmm, that doesn’t seem right at all. I don’t remember having any friends named after me. You must’ve misheard…” He pulled the worm over to himself, holding it up to his ear before nodding with a smile. “They said it’s Eggbert. That makes much more sense, and it also explains just why they chose you.”
Dennis let go of Hilbert’s head and sat back down in front of him, seemingly content. He led Eggbert to lay on his new friend’s shoulder and gave him a few pats on the head.
“I think you and Eggbert are going to be very happy together.”
Next
#whump#crackwhump#crackcember#worm on a string#creepy whumper#intimate whumper#noncon touching#choking#strangulation#Dennis Mennis#Hilbert Griffith#this was extraordinarily fun to write#sorry to be starting more things when i've gotten literally nothing done over the past month sdljkfsld#this got me writing a lot so i was like alrighty. following that inspiration then.#other things will happen. i just don't know exactly when.#ooh wait#Eggbert Griffith#can't forget the most important character#they get hilbert's last name because i say so#eggbert shall return
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More Like Cost-No!
Crackcember: Day 4
Epic driving times with the boys because they simply would not shut up this chapter!
Content warnings: light head injury, reckless driving and crash mention, pet whump mention/implication (just used as a joke though)
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Previous
Hilbert’s ankles banged against a couple of stairs as they stepped up to the front of the RV, settling into the passenger seat with one final shove.
Dennis fastened his own seatbelt and didn’t bother to help Hilbert. He focused instead on slipping the key into the ignition, finally starting the vehicle on the third twist, and pulling out of the driveway.
“Dennis, I don’t have my seatbelt yet, hold on-!” Hilbert protested and Dennis stepped on the gas, sending them flying down the street.
“We’re wasting daylight! No sense in waiting,” he shrugged, skidding around a left turn and flinging Hilbert into the door.
“Yes, but the speed limit sign says twenty-five miles per hour,” he grumbled, sitting back up with a wince, “and you’re- you’re going-” he cut himself off, jaw going slack. “Where the hell is your speedometer?!”
“What’s that?” Dennis asked innocently, throwing them into another too-tight left turn. The thunk of Hilbert’s head against the window and subsequent groan of pain was incredibly satisfying.
“You- agh!- you can’t seriously tell me you don’t know what that is.”
“I can tell you anything I like.”
“I don’t have to believe it,” Hilbert grumbled, eyes scanning back over the dashboard.
“I could always make you if you’re gonna be like that,” Dennis rolled his eyes.
“You literally can’t! I- there’s duct tape on the dash. You actually covered the speedometer with duct tape. What is it with you and duct tape?!”
“Handy dandy tool, solves all your problems!” The madman embodied an infomercial, rosy cheeked smile and all.
“Knowing how fast you’re driving is not a fucking problem!”
“Excuse you, taking your eyes off the road is a major health risk. Distractions cause accidents, and that pointer going up and down definitely qualifies as such, so I solved the problem! Didn’t you pay any attention in Driver’s Ed?”
“You’re the one who should be answering that question,” Hilbert scoffed, sinking back into his seat. Dennis obviously wasn’t in the mood to give a reasonable answer anyway, so he switched topics. “Where are we going anyway?”
“Shopping, obviously. Food, drink, entertainment… we’ve gotta stock up for our big trip!”
“And… after that?” He reminded himself he’d be out of there long before that would even matter, but his curiosity was too strong to resist asking anyway.
“Wherever the road takes us,” Dennis answered simply, making one final abrupt left turn up a steep incline into a shopping center. He whirled into a parking spot and slammed on the brakes. The sudden stop nearly sent Hilbert headfirst through the windshield, but his whiteknuckled grip on the seat saved him.
Dizzily, he glanced at all their surroundings and realized he’d been here many times before. It was quite the odd choice for a food shopping trip though, considering the only thing that could be considered a grocery store was… completely out of the question.
“Uhh, Dennis, where are we even going?”
“I told you. Wherever the wind-”
“No, dipshit, here. Where are we gonna pick up those snacks you promised? Are you planning on grabbing something tasty from Petco?”
“Suddenly got a hankering for some kibble, Hilbert?” Dennis burst into laughter, “Or, ooh, you got a collar in mind? If that’s where you wanna take this I’m all for experimentation!”
“No,” Hilbert felt faint at the mere suggestion.
“That’s what I thought. Nah, we’re going to the superior -co store.”
“...Taco bell?”
“Costco!!” Dennis threw his hands in the air, and Hilbert flinched just hearing the name. He felt his breathing pick up and his hands start to tremble.
“You can’t- you can’t be serious,” he stammered, wide eyes looking for any sign that his captor was lying, playing this as a joke before they drove somewhere else.
“Oh come on, you can’t seriously tell me you’ve got something against Costco. Everybody loves Costco,” Dennis insisted.
“I- sure, but I don’t even have a Costco membership! I won’t be able to get in there!” Dennis wordlessly flashed his own membership card. “Okay, well, I’m… I just can’t go,” Hilbert sighed, curling in on himself.
“Awful try. Let’s get you out of there now.” Dennis flicked out a pocket knife and sawed through the duct tape around his ankles. He ripped it off, muffling the resulting shout with a quick hand over Hilbert’s mouth, then trailed the knife up his leg, careful not to nick the bare skin, and started on the tape around his wrists.
“What if I try to run away, huh?” Hilbert blurted out. “You won’t be able to stop me in a public store like that. So- so you shouldn’t take me in. Just leave me out here. Then I won’t- I can’t ruin your shopping experience.”
“Mmh, you seem awful desperate to avoid this. Surely you wouldn’t happen to be a member of some other bulk store…?”
Hilbert couldn’t cover his guilty reaction quickly enough. The moment he saw Dennis’s face light up, he knew he’d lost the battle.
“Fine. I’m... a Sam’s Club member.” He cringed, waiting for the reaction. The grating laughter wasn’t a surprise, but it still hurt.
“Pfff, that’s the silliest thing you’ve said yet! Your name isn’t even Sam!”
“That has literally no bearing on this. I am a loyal member of a store I trust so I-”
“Shut it with that hogwash. We’re going to have a lovely time shopping at Costco,” Dennis smiled, leaning over the seat and pressing his knife against Hilbert’s neck in an obvious threat, “and you don’t have a choice in the matter.”
Next
#whump#crackwhump#crackcember#head injury#I don't have a Costco membership??!#reckless driving#car crash mention#dennis let hilbert wear a seatbelt someday challenge#nobody should ever have to be in a vehicle with dennis#Dennis Mennis#Hilbert Griffith#eggbert is still safe and sound in the bag#i think i tagged everything important#today is the first day i went past my 4pm deadline. hoorayyy lol#brain out here being fried#so is body. staying home from bowling because things are really still funky with my physical form#hmm okay do i have anything else left to say....#next chapter is actual costco hours#for the record: i'm a sam's club person#oh and i'll bring back the tag that i left on the crackcember list a month or two ago that eventually grew into this part of the story:#whumpee: oh shit. no wait. we can't go here. please! whumper! i'm a sam's club person!! please no!#ta-daaaa hilbert says no costco. not like dennis really cares#tomorrow: shenanigans#oh btw this is largely unedited because i hecking Tired so forgive any obvious mistakes
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how Can this Bean happening?
Crackcember: Day 2
In which the actual plot starts. Let’s get this show on the road!
Content warnings: beating/caning, sadistic whumper
————————————
Previous
The grin on Dennis’s face when he appeared at the bottom of the stairs certainly wasn’t a surprise anymore, but something about it was different than usual. Unsettlingly jovial. Hilbert didn’t even have to ask before he was given his answer.
“Guess who finally got that deal on the RV to go through?!” his captor squealed, waving his arms in a dramatic show of his excitement.
“Oh goodie. When do we leave?” Hilbert sighed. A smaller space meant more time spent with this nutcase, but at least it would present a decent opportunity to escape. He didn’t want to get fired for what had to be at least four unexcused absences from work at this point, and his boss wasn’t likely to accept ‘kidnapped by the coworker he’d gotten fired only weeks prior’ as a valid excuse.
“We leave… drumroll please…” Dennis waited for a drumroll, and Hilbert raised his hands, stuck together by a length of duct tape, with an unimpressed glare. “Come on, get creative. …okay, fine. I’ll get creative then.”
He walked to the shelf nearby and pulled off two ping pong paddles before whirling around, pulling up the back of Hilbert’s shirt, and pushing him over with a foot on his shoulder. He flinched and cried out when a ping pong paddle hit his back with a resounding smack. More hits followed and Dennis quickly settled into a rhythm that raised welts across Hilbert’s back at a breakneck pace.
“Agh- fuck, st-AH! Dennis-!” he pushed up as much as he could, but couldn’t dislodge the foot holding him against the floor as the beating continued far past a simple drumroll.
“We are leaving… today!” One final hit from both paddles forced a scream from Hilbert as he was finally released, shirt falling back over the tender skin. It set in like a soreness as his mind caught up to his body, and he looked back up at Dennis with blurred vision. He assumed it was just from crying, but when it didn’t clear up after a few seconds Hilbert realized his glasses had fallen off his face. His bound hands fumbled while attempting to put them back on.
“Ah-ah,” Dennis chided, plucking the glasses right out of his hands, “show some excitement. Let me know you’re looking forward to the trip, or I won’t let you look at all.”
“Uhhh, yay! Wow! This- this is thrilling!” Hilbert tried.
“WOO HOO!!!” Dennis practically screamed back at him.
“Aaaaahhh?”
“...you’re hopeless,” Dennis slid Hilbert’s glasses into his pocket, then let his head drop into his hands with a groan. “In any case, you’ve gotta pack. I brought a duffel bag for all your personal items, and I even got you started!” Without warning, he took a can from the bag and tossed it at Hilbert, hitting his knee and earning a groan from the man. He picked it up, holding it far too close to his face just to make out what it said.
A can of what was very clearly Bush’s Beans stared back at him, but it had been scribbled over with permanent marker in an attempt to black out the letters and instead spell…
“...HilBert’s Beantings?” he read, fixing Dennis with a tired look. “Really?”
“It’ll be important later,” he smiled. Hilbert looked back down at the vaguely threatening message, even more unsettled by the duct tape wrapped frantically around the top of the can. Dennis took it back out of his hands before he could do anything else, shoving it in the duffel bag and dropping it at his feet.
“What are you waiting for? Get packing!”
“What do you want me to pack? It’s not like I’ve got any personal items with me.”
“I’m sure you’ll find something down here that strikes your fancy,” Dennis shrugged, grabbing Hilbert’s hands. He peeled up the edge of the duct tape holding them together, unwinding it until he reached the point where it was stuck directly to skin. With a sick grin, he readjusted his grip and peeled it away slowly. Skin gone pale under compression now turned red in strips, shaking by the time Dennis finished.
He left with only one further delay: balling up the tape and throwing it at his captive. Then Hilbert was alone.
Next
#whump#crackwhump#crackcember#vaguely threatening can of beans#uhhhhhhhhh#beating#caning#seriously how else am i supposed to tag him getting beat up with hecking ping pong paddles#restrained#duct tape hoursss#Dennis Mennis#Hilbert Griffith#sadistic whumper#duct tape#uh#alright that's all the tags we're getting sure hope i didn't miss anything#glasses snatched
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Nov 27 is kneecap day✨
On Nov 27, let’s all bust some kneecaps!! Prompts, drabbles, horrid little doodles... just mess up those knees gang. This has been a PSA (✿◡‿◡)
#yeah i had a dream last night that we had a kneecap day#marti told me to be the change i wish to see in the world#so we're having kneecap day i don't make the rules#kneecap day#whump the kneecaps~#i have a disease where i think if i start a challenge i don't have to participate in it#@my oc ask game and crackcember#but i can pop out a drabble#it's black friday so i wont be doing anything#please spread the word of the prophecy#whump of the month
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(Un)Fit to Be Tied
(un)Fit To Be Tied
by Authoress Lilly
Prompt from Ghost:
The League had clearly put a lot of work into making sure their plan worked as seamlessly as possible. They'd done a lot of research; into Izuku's mannerisms, habits, routines, speech patterns even. All of it so Toga's act when she replaced Izuku would go undetected, while the rest of the League worked in the bg on trying to wring One-For-All out of the boy.
They'd forgotten one tiny, tiny detail though.
The fact that Izuku can't tie a necktie for shit.
Words: 1408, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English
Series: Part 4 of How Much Crack Can Lilly Crack When Lilly Commits To Crack
Fandoms: 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Categories: Gen
Characters: Midoriya Izuku, Toga Himiko, Bakugou Katsuki, Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead, Class 1-A, Shinsou Hitoshi, Hagakure Tooru, Kirishima Eijirou, Kaminari Denki, Iida Tenya, Uraraka Ochako, Todoroki Shouto
Additional Tags: Crack, Pure Crack, cassiopeia721's Crackcember 2020, it's funny I promise
Read Here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28435944
#AO3 Feed#FanFiction#AO3 Izuku#♠#Izuku Midoriya#Toga Himiko#Bakugou Katsuki#Aizawa Shouta#R:G#A:Authoress
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Certified Cuddlist
Certified Cuddlist
by DanceInTheKitchen
By the time Class 1-a went on their internships, Izuku was confident in his ability to effectively use hug therapy. Luckily this skill became incredibly handy when he, Todoroki and Iida were facing down Stain. As a certified cuddlist, Izuku felt qualified to dropkick the weapons out of Stain's hands and cut his rant off by giving him a hug.
Stain blue screened long enough for the police to arrive and arrest him.
And this was how Stain's hero killing spree finally ended. He was defeated by Izuku Midoriya's cuddling power.
Or, hug therapy- Class 1-A style.
Words: 1483, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English
Series: Part 1 of Crackcember 2020
Fandoms: 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Categories: Gen
Characters: Midoriya Izuku, Bakugou Mitsuki, Bakugou Katsuki, Todoroki Shouto, Dabi, Akaguro Chizome | Stain, Iida Tenya, Monoma Neito, Shinsou Hitoshi
Relationships: Class 1-A & Midoriya Izuku, Bakugou Katsuki & Midoriya Izuku, Midoriya Izuku & Todoroki Shouto, Iida Tenya & Midoriya Izuku
Additional Tags: manga spoliers, but like.... the one spoiler literally everyone knows, Dabi is Todoroki Touya, Hugs, Hug Therapy, mix of fluff and crack, so not really super cracky.. mostly just, Fluff and Humor, Class 1-A Shenanigans, Class 1-A as Family, Gift Fic, gift fic for Squirrel, Hi squirrel!!, tldr version:, class 1-a goes plus ultra on everything, including hugging their enemies, what defeated afo?, Midoriya's cuddling power, thats it thats the fic, Crackcember 2020
Read Here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27829321
#AO3 Feed#FanFiction#AO3 Izuku#♠#Izuku Midoriya#Bakugou Katsuki#Shouto Todoroki#Iida Tenya#R:G#A:Dance#Fluff
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Truth or Swear
Truth or Swear
by Authoress Lilly
“Why don't we ever play Truth of Dare?” Mineta whines.
Be careful what you wish for 😈😈😈
Words: 2520, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English
Series: Part 1 of How Much Crack Can Lilly Crack When Lilly Commits To Crack
Fandoms: 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Categories: Gen
Characters: Kirishima Eijirou, Mineta Minoru, Midoriya Izuku, Bakugou Katsuki, Kaminari Denki, Sero Hanta, Shinsou Hitoshi, Todoroki Shouto, Ojiro Mashirao, Hagakure Tooru, Ashido Mina, Iida Tenya, Uraraka Ochako, Asui Tsuyu, Tokoyami Fumikage, Jirou Kyouka, Yaoyorozu Momo, Kouda Kouji, Shouji Mezou, Satou Rikidou, Aoyama Yuuga, Class 1-A
Additional Tags: Crackcember 2020, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Class 1-A Shenanigans, Truth or Dare, I'm not kind to Mineta so if you like him you won't like this, Bakugou Katsuki Swears A Lot, or does he???, Did I seriously tag each character individually?, Yes. yes i did, Did I have to count to make sure I got everyone?, ...solid maybe
Read Here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27871365
#AO3 Feed#FanFiction#AO3 Kirishima#♠#Eijirou Kirishima#Mineta Minoru#Bakugou Katsuki#💎#R:T#A:Authoress
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There's a Market for Sold to One Direction BNHA Fics
There's a market for sold to one direction bnha fics
by gowonsfriedscalp
A collection of Crackcember One-shots
Title unrelated(?)
Words: 1453, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English
Fandoms: 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Categories: Gen
Characters: Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead, Todoroki Shouto, Midoriya Izuku, Bakugou Katsuki, Dabi, Class 1-A, League of Villains
Additional Tags: Crackcember 2020, Crack, Humor, idek dude
Read Here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27798316
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