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Wolf 359 Season 1 Episode 10 – “Extreme Danger Bug”

[intro music]

Welcome to Wolf 359.

Eiffel: Welcome, friends, to a very special live action episode of the log of Douglas Eiffel, Communications Officer to the stars. Today I’m gonna shake things up a bit, be a little less NPR, and a little more National Geographic with some mobile reportage. Rather than have me droning on and on and on about all the terrible stuff that happens around here, let’s look for some of the terrible stuff as it happens.

[door opens and closes]

Eiffel: Ooh, here we go! Looks like we’ve stumbled onto a wild Minkowski! Or as it’s scientifically known, Stickus Up-The-Assus. In its natural habitat. Let’s get a closer look.

Eiffel: Hey Commander!

Minkowski: Eiffel…? What the hell are you doing? Get that microphone out of my face.

Eiffel: I’m documenting life on the station for future generations!

Minkowski: Eiffel, this is really… not the time.

Eiffel: [shushing noises, then clears throat] Here we see the Minkowski in a rare moment of symbiotic cooperation with one of its neighbouring species, the Creepus Maximus! Any words for posterity, Dr. Hilbert?

Hilbert: Not now, Eiffel. This is very delicate!

Eiffel: Eloquent as always, such lovely, delicate species!

Minkowski: Would it kill you to stop messing around, and give us a hand?

Eiffel: Oof, sorry Commander. But as a documentarian, I have a sacred duty to observe without perturbing the natural order of things, so, no can do. [clicks tongue] But anyway, what is this thing you’re both hauling? Some kind of tank?

Minkowski: What – What do you mean, “what is it?” It’s one of the nitrogen tanks for the station’s fuel rotation.

Eiffel: You say that like it’s supposed to mean something to me.

Minkowski: It should. You were supposed to depressurise this thing this morning.

Eiffel: Oh.

Minkowski: You do remember me asking you to do that, right?

Eiffel: …Yes.

Minkowski: And you did depressurise this tank, right?

Eiffel: …Yes?

Minkowski: Is that “…Yes?” a “Yes, I did it”, or “…Yes… I have no idea what you’re talking about but I don’t want to get in trouble”?

Eiffel: …Yes…

Minkowski: God damn it Eiffel!

Hilbert: Do you have any idea how dangerous an improperly regulated nitrogen tank can be?

Eiffel: Ah, come on, how bad can it be? This thing looks super solid. [taps on the tank] See, safe as h–

[explosion, smashing noises, escaping gas]

Minkowski: [breathing heavily] Alright. Anybody who’s not dead say… “ow”.

Eiffel: [groans] Ow.

Hilbert: Ow.

Minkowski: Eiffel. One of these days I am going to actually kill you.

Eiffel: Honestly, Commander. I may well beat you to that. Jesus, did that thing just go through that wall?

Minkowski: Hera? Tell me that tank didn’t hit an electric line or something? Is anything going horribly wrong?

Hera: Um… Hard to say, Commander. Ask again later?

Minkowski: Hera. Sitrep. Now.

Hera: Uh… Well… It seems the tank went through one of the station’s exterior walls.

Eiffel: What?

Hera: But. But. Sensors show that the room you’re in isn’t losing air or pressure, so… um… y-yay? I – I’m really not sure what’s happening here.

Minkowski: Gimme that flashlight.

[flashlight clicks]

Minkowski: Hera, what are you talking about? This isn’t an exterior wall. There’s a room right here.

Hera: No there’s not? Commander, I’m looking at the station’s schematics and at all my sensory inputs, there’s nothing there!

Minkowski: And I’m looking through this hole with my eyes, and I’m telling you that there’s a room right here. Look, if I just step through the hole –

Hera: No! Don’t!

Minkowski: There, see? Where am I showing up on the station sensors?

[pause]

Hera: Outer space, Commander. The station’s positioning trackers are indicating you’re outside the station.

Eiffel: Um… Hilbert? Any ideas on how that works?

Hilbert: Well… I suppose it could be possible that Hera’s sensory input hardware was calibrated to exclude this particular section of the station.

Eiffel: And…? Why the hell would anyone wanna do that?

Minkowski: Let’s find out. C’mon.

[flashlight clicks]

Eiffel: Woah. How big is this place?

Minkowski: It looks like it’s at least the size of the observatory, maybe even a little bigger. Look, over there. That’s the outline of a doorframe, but it’s been… walled up.

[pause]

Eiffel: Does anybody see a light switch?

Hilbert: Over here.

[light switch clicks, then clicks a few more times in succession]

Hilbert: Must’ve been disconnected from power grid. Hera would’ve noticed if circuits were flowing to a non-existent room.

Eiffel: Oh, great.

Minkowski: Dr. Hilbert, over here! Look at all these jars, and… the tools in this drawer. It looks like –

Hilbert: A medical facility, yes Commander. This was a laboratory.

Minkowski: W-What’s it doing in the –

Eiffel: Ugh!

Minkowski: Eiffel! Are you alright?

Eiffel: No… Commander, [whispered] there’s a dead spider in that jar! A huge spider!

Minkowski: Oh. Is that it?

Eiffel: Is that it? Look at this thing! Its legs are… so… hairy, and Jesus, look at that stinger! It’s gotta be at least as big as my thumb. [shudders] I hate spiders. Creepy little…

Hilbert: It’s not just over there Eiffel. Look. There’s more of them in those jars. Whoever owned this lab must’ve been running genetic experiments on arachnids.

Eiffel: To make them… bigger? What was the objective of that? To spice up my nightmares?

[faint scuttling noise]

Eiffel: Um… did anyone else hear something just now?

Hilbert: It’s not unheard of to put together large space stations by amalgamating individual parts from smaller crafts. If the Hephaestus was assembled in such a way, this room could just be a vestige from an older mission.

Eiffel: I don’t know, Doc. That still feels like a stretch. Why go through all the trouble of walling up Charlotte’s Lab instead of just clearing it out?

[faint electronic crackling begins]

Minkowski: Hey, looks like this computer terminal’s still working. Must be running on emergency power. Let’s see… um… I’ve got the log of one Dr. Elias Selberg. Entry number six hundred and fifty-three. “Alpha test series has yielded mixed results. Specimen growth and development promising, but… extremely high levels of toxicity unintended side effect. Contact with live specimens extremely dangerous. As shown with recent exposure trial.”

[faint scuttling noise]

Eiffel: Uh… guys?

Minkowski: “Captain Lovelace has ordered termination of all samples. Shame to lose months of work, but… hazard undeniable. Will have to proceed with extreme caution if hoped to” – [crackling fizzes out]

Minkowski: [sighs] Out of juice. That’s it for story time.

Eiffel: Okay. This place is officially giving me the creeps. Why would anyone go through the trouble of walling this place up just to keep us out?

Hera: Um… I – I do have an alternative theory, Officer Eiffel. [pause] But I don’t think you’re gonna like it.

Eiffel: What.

Hera: Um… Well… the walling in… Em… i-it might not have been a way of keeping you out. It… may have been a way of keeping something in.

[scuttling noise]

Eiffel: Comman –

Minkowski: That time I heard it, Eiffel. Everyone with me. Back away from the walls, tables, cabinets, anything that could be used as cover. We’re going to back out of this room. Quickly. Quickly!

Hilbert: Hera. Can you pinpoint the location of the other creature in this room?

Hera: Doctor, I can’t see anything going on in that room, I can – I can barely even hear you right now.

Eiffel: How is this thing even alive? We’ve been here for over a year and a half! How is it still alive? What has it been… eating?

Minkowski: Less questions, more getting out of – Hilbert! Look out!

[glass shattering]

[scuttling noise]

Minkowski: Doctor. Are you –

Hilbert: Fine, Commander. But I don’t know where the spider went.

Eiffel: Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? Is it – Is it gone?

Minkowski: I’m… not sure. Let’s just get out of this room before it comes back, and – Eiffel, your shoulder!

Eiffel: [suppressed scream] Oh god! [smashing metal] No! C’mon, no! Jesus! Get it off me!

Minkowski: Light, give me some light here!

Eiffel: Get it off me! Get it off me!

Minkowski: Eiffel. Are you okay?

Eiffel: [fearfully] No.

Minkowski: Did it sting you?

Eiffel: [in a hoarse whisper] No. Not yet.

Minkowski: Yet? What do you mean? Did you see where it went?

Eiffel: It – It –

Minkowski: Eiffel. Stay with me. Where did the spider go?

Eiffel: It… it ran down my shirt. It’s standing on my stomach! Oh god oh god oh god what do I do what do I do?

Minkowski: Are you sure?

Eiffel: Oh, I’m sure. I can feel it. Walking. On my skin! It’s hairy and slimy! It’s hairy and slimy! Oh god, why is it hairy and slimy? [gasps]

Hilbert: Eiffel. Listen to me. Whatever you do, you must remain calm, okay? Don’t let go of that wall. Don’t float away. Don’t make any sudden movements. It won’t sting you unless it’s frightened. But you have to remain completely still, okay? [pause] Eiffel, did you hear me?

Eiffel: Yeah! Yeah yeah yeah. I heard you. No moving! Who needs movement, not me! No, I’m too scared to move!

Hilbert: Don’t talk. Not unless you have to. Keep your stomach relaxed. I’m going to go now.

Eiffel: [lowly] What?

Hilbert: Just for a moment. Just to my laboratory. I’m going to retrieve an anti-venom and I’ll be right back. Then we’ll find a way to get the spider off you. Okay?

Eiffel: Okay. O-Okay.

Hilbert: I will only be gone a moment. Keep him still. Don’t let him move.

Minkowski: Eiffel? Don’t worry. Everything is going to be alright. This thing is probably more scared of you than you are of him!

Eiffel: While I normally could get on board with that train, I assure you that in this case I’m definitely the more terrified party! [through gritted teeth] I. Hate. Spiders!

Minkowski: It’s just a bug. It’s just a big bug.

Eiffel: [in a hoarse whisper] It’s a huge bug! And weren’t you paying attention to what you were reading? “High levels of toxicity”! “Extreme danger”? It’s an extreme danger bug!

Minkowski: Shh! Easy. Don’t talk. Keep your breathing slow.

Eiffel: Commander. I can’t do this.

Minkowski: Quiet. Yes you can.

Eiffel: [sobbing slightly] Oh – Oh, no. I can’t! I can’t deal with this thing walking on me! Maybe – Maybe if I could just squash it –

Minkowski: No! Stop!

Eiffel: Just one quick blow, just wham! – and then it’s gone! I can do this!

Minkowski: What if you’re not quick enough? What if it stings you before it dies?

[pause]

Minkowski: Eiffel. Put your arm down.

[pause]

Eiffel: [inhale] Okay. Okay, you’re right.

[pause]

Hilbert: Eiffel.

Minkowski: [sigh of relief] Oh, good. Doctor, you’re back.

Hilbert: Eiffel. This is going to be delicate, so I need you to prepare yourself. First I’m going to give you a dose of antivenom, in case the specimen stings you. I have to administer the serum intravenously. You’re going to feel the prick, but you can’t flinch, you can’t move at all. Alright? Don’t contract the muscles in your stomach particularly. Just stay relaxed, okay?

Eiffel: And then I’ll be okay, right? Even if it stings me? It-It’ll be okay?

Hilbert: I – [pause] I can’t guarantee that, Eiffel. This is very good antivenom, but without knowing the exact makeup of the spider’s poison, cannot be certain that it’ll neutralise it completely. Still, better than nothing.

Eiffel: Oh dear god! [pause] Okay. Let’s get this over with.

Hilbert: Commander. Help me to roll up his sleeve. Slowly. Slowly. Careful. [pause] Okay. Eiffel, I’m going to insert the needle now. Don’t react. Don’t flinch. Don’t tighten your abdomen, don’t –

Minkowski: Would you just do it before he has a heart attack?

Hilbert: Right. Okay. Three, two, one.

Eiffel: [hisses]

Hilbert: Good, good, you’re doing great. And… there. All done. Excellent job, Eiffel.

Minkowski: Hilbert. What are we going to do? How are we going to get that thing off of him?

Hilbert: I’m thinking, Commander, I’m thinking.

Minkowski: What if we just shoot the damn thing? We could find where it is in Eiffel’s clothing, put the gun right up to it, aim away from his body, and just shoot the spider clean off.

Hilbert: Too risky. The sound alone – What if you miss? Even if you don’t, the spider’s reflexes might be fast enough to –

Eiffel: [panicked] Commander!

Minkowski: What?

Eiffel: I – I’m going to – sneeze!

Minkowski: What? Don’t!

Eiffel: Well it’s not like I have a say in the matter do I? I – I’m – Agh!

[scuttling noise]

Hilbert: Breathe through your mouth. Slowly.

Eiffel: [breathes loudly]

Hilbert: Eiffel, let go of your nose in a moment.

Eiffel: [breathes loudly]

Minkowski: Okay. We need to do something, and fast.

Hilbert: Agreed, Commander. But what?

[two static bursts]

Eiffel: I just want the record to show that I think this is a terrible idea.

Minkowski: Yeah, well, it’s the best one we’ve got, and you’re not going to last much longer.

Eiffel: How is this going to work again?

Hilbert: We need to kill the spider without striking it, or we risk your life. Solution is simple. Living organisms still need oxygen, so we just remove all the air from the environment. No O2, no spider.

Minkowski: As soon as we’re ready, Hera will pull the oxygen from the room, taking care of the bug problem.

Hilbert: You’ll wear this oxygen mask. Pump oxygen directly into your mouth. You’ll breathe normally, but we can’t give you a full suit for this to work. So you’ll have to be ready. Without the air it’s going to get very cold here. But you can’t move. Not until the spider is dead.

Minkowski: We’ll be right here next to you, okay? Are you ready?

Eiffel: If I die, Hera gets all my toys.

Minkowski: I’ll take that as a yes. Ready Hera?

Hera: Air pumps are ready, Commander, and oxygen is flowing through both your suits and Eiffel’s mask.

Minkowski: Alright. Helmets on, Doctor.

[helmet sealing]

Minkowski: [slightly muffled] Starting air removal in three, two, one, now.

[strong wind rushing]

Eiffel: Oh god! Oh god!

Minkowski: [slightly muffled] Just hang on for a little bit longer.

Hilbert: [slightly muffled] Is the spider reacting at all?

Eiffel: Still walking around. Damn thing’s on my chest now!

Hera: Oxygen levels at seventy-five percent.

[pause]

Eiffel: Okay. It’s starting to get a little nippy here! Nothing I can’t handle! Nothing I can’t – Agh!

Minkowski: [slightly muffled] What?

Eiffel: This… thing is pressing up against me! It’s putting its body up against my chest!

Hilbert: [slightly muffled] Eiffel. The spider is instinctively reacting to the drop in temperature. It’s trying to leech off your body heat. It’s a good sign. Let it happen. Just a little further now.

Eiffel: This thing is so gross this thing is so gross this thing is so gross this thing is so gross!

Hera: Oxygen levels at fifty percent.

Hilbert: [slightly muffled] Steady, Eiffel. Don’t twitch so much.

Eiffel: Easy for… you to say!

Hera: Oxygen levels at twenty-five percent and falling rapidly.

Minkowski: [slightly muffled] Just one more minute!

Eiffel: I – I – I can’t do this get this thing hell off of me! [ripping noise] Get it off get it off get it off get it off! Agh!

Minkowski: [slightly muffled] Eiffel! Are you okay? Did it –

Eiffel: [breathless] No – No, it didn’t sting me. I – Look! It’s floating right there. Totally still. Is it dead?

Hilbert: [slightly muffled] Hmm. Perhaps lowering the O2 levels to this point was enough to suffocate it. Or – Or maybe the lower temperature affected it to the point of –

[spider screeching]

Eiffel: Agh!

[gunshot]

Minkowski: [slightly muffled] I also brought a gun. Just in case.

Eiffel: [relieved] Ohh.

Hilbert: Right.

Eiffel: Good thinking.

[pause]

Eiffel: Okay… so now that that’s taken care of, if the two of you will excuse me. I’m gonna faint.

[two static bursts]

Eiffel: Hi friends. Just wanted to… check in, and let you know that I’m… I’m okay. Well, not okay okay. I don’t think I’ll ever really be completely okay after what I just went through, but, y’know, hanging in there. Minkowski and Hilbert just radioed saying they finished up tearing that creepy-ass lab, and there’s no more living specimens down there, thank god. Looks like it was just the one. Small comfort though, but at least it’s nice knowing I won’t run into another one of those things. Well. Except for the new recurring nightmare that I’m going to have from now until the heat death of the universe. There’s also a bunch of weird stuff down there, archives, notebooks, some computer files they’re pulling off that terminal, trying to see if we can’t figure out where the hell that room came from. Minkowski says she wants us to go through all that stuff ASAP, but, she said I could have some time off on account of, uh… nightmare death spider. I’m… kind of appalled that I can’t think of a way to unfairly exploit this yet, but… my mind is still kind of back at the… nightmare death spider. I’m gonna go now, friends. I’m gonna go… not sleep. No sleep. Never again sleep. From the USS Hephaestus station, this is the… newly traumatised Doug Eiffel. Signing off. G’night.

[outro music]

This has been Wolf 359, written and directed by Gabriel Urbina. The roles of Eiffel and Hilbert were played by Zach Valenti. The role of Minkowski was played by Emma Sherr-Ziarko. And the role of Hera was played by Michaela Swee. Original music by Alan Rodi, and audio recording by James Shone. If you enjoyed tonight’s episode, please consider writing a review on our iTunes page. Your reviews will really help us to raise awareness about the show. And about the dangers of genetically modified venomous spiders in deep space. So please, take a moment to do your part for these two very important causes. Visit us at wolf359.fm, or follow us on Twitter at @Wolf359Radio for more information on our show.

Transcript by @saltssaumure

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