#crying cuz we didnt get help ourselves

[cutlikediamonds]

060923

i remember some of my lowest points ever writing in my journals like i was getting paid by the word. i just would talk over every little thought i had with myself, with the journal. instead of texting anyone or going out or talking to my family. i didnt want to, i wanted to rely on myself, i wanted to feel okay on my own and i did, i had a blast with myself. but even as much as i loved being alone, still love being alone, there were days when a very specific loneliness just followed me fucking everywhere, like it was smoke in the room and i didnt wanna breathe it into my lungs but there was no way to escape it, breathing more shallow to try anyway. its funny that i used to be so worried about not being able to handle being alone that i trained myself on it too well and now i dont know how to need people. 

i miss my dorm, i miss being walking distance from my two best friends and a two hour drive away from everything else i didnt wanna think about. i miss having rooms to myself to laugh at my own jokes and cry at my favorite songs and sit on my floor writing every single thought in my journal. 

it was safer there. when i couldnt avoid the people i needed. they noticed if i was ghosting, they checked on me, and we ate meals together, had gossip to catch each other up on, a breakup to coach her through, school work troubles to push through together. i miss being able to stare at my phone for ten minutes and eventually finally send a text that is way too short and too vague but it was all i could manage and theyd come over. with games and snacks and a bright attitude but also ready to listen. i miss sitting on my floor, alone. i miss sitting on my floor with music playing and my cat being a menace. i miss sitting on my floor with my friends when they came over. 

i was so lonely, its weird. now im lonely again but longing for that loneliness instead. because now were home and one of us is going away and we cant walk to each other anymore and i could probably still text them like that and theyd still come over like that but its not my floor wed sit on anymore. i dont feel real here. i dont want them to look at me here. i feel it in them too, like they dont wanna be looked at either. cuz this isnt us, this isnt who we are, this is where were stuck being until the fall when we can be together again and be ourselves again and resume our lives. but for now we have to put it all away for a second to revive our roles in our own homes, in our blood families, roles we just spent the whole year ditching, processing, unpacking, resenting. but we had to come back eventually. we cant ditch it like we want to. 

and its nice, i dont want to ditch it. sometimes my family helps me feel more real. i like realizing how similar i am to my parents sometimes, or noticing how the drama with our relatives isnt actually all that different from my friend groups drama history. its nice. i feel like an orphan like most of the time, like i was never born and i have no past or history or ancestors and everything im doing is just because i appeared one day and life doesnt really mean anything at all. it makes me go crazy sometimes, but being home helps. only sometimes though, and only in that sense. 

okay. got that all out. 

im super bloated, gained a bit but im pretty positive its just food/water/bloating weight so i kinda dont care, im gonna eat light today and if it doesnt go back down then ill worry. also i feel kinda nauseous anyway. i kinda have been noticing that a lot actually lately. i cant tell if its the constant pit of dread that i havent been able to shake or if its recent eating habits catching up to me or if its too much caffeine or whatever the fuck but its there. if i dont force myself to eat or smoke then it could make me have such a little appetite. im just gonna let it happen today, let myself feel unwell, let myself avoid avoid avoid. 

i want to be... okay. i wish i was okay. everythings so hard, i cant remember who i am when im here. i miss my dorm. sometimes i think i havent felt like myself since i left, but then maybe i havent been myself since senior year, or maybe since the summer before, or since the pandemic maybe, or since middle school, since dad died, or maybe since i was four. i cant wrap my head around how much i feel simultaneously so detached to the world but also incredibly attached to it, to worldly things. 

i wanna get up and exercise i know itd help but i cant make myself move. i wanna study and do the homework i have to do today but i cant make myself read a single word. 

i feel so sick. 

[penny4yathoughts]

(sarcasm)

Well no one helped me with this issue when I had it so no one should have help either. We should all suffer rather then being glad someone got help and advocating for help for more people. Ya know? Cuz suffering is good actually.

#discourse #annoying things #sarcasm #joke #lack of empathy #lack of perspective #this is used a lot for things like #mental illness #loans #homelessness #lgbt issues #racism #sexism #etc #why cant we all just push for more help rather then #crying cuz we didnt get help ourselves #like??? #seriously #why are you upset that people ae getting assistance #please stop #this isnt about someone needing to vent or complain now and then cuz they're frustrated #that's fine #im talking about people who genuinely thing forgiving loans is wrong cuz they didnt get loan forgiveness #like buddy #i know it sucks you didnt #I know it feels unfair #but that doesnt mean other people arent allowed to be happy or have help

[heyitsyn]

Keeping Up With Seijoh Ep. ∞

a/n: this made me tear up a bit ngl bc haikyuu always hitting us with ‘theres no next year for us’ typa bull like BLS TAKE PITY ON MY SOUL AND STOP TIME AND KEEP MY BOYS TOGETHER :(((((((

it has an infinity symbol bc this is in the future so there isnt really an episode number 

for more seijoh content, check this masterlist out!

anon:

the third years coming back to seijoh the following year for a surprise visit, and watching over practice cuz they were in town for break. being impressed on how kyo has calmed down (a bit), kunimi actually giving a sh-, yknow the deal. just the growth of their kouhai makes them 🥺🥺 but THEN- Y O U walk in with the team’s bottles n the small gasp that comes out of your mouth when you see them. they GAWK cuz you’re maturing SO well (stfu oikawa- my eyes up are here) and just 🥺🤲

SO LIKE UNLESS YOURE NEW TO MY BLOG YOU KNOW THIS FINNA BE A SAD ONE BC SEIJOH THIRD YEARS ARE MY FAVORITE BOIS AND THEM GRADUATING MAKES ME :(

oh god here comes the tears

so

it was something you knew was coming since yanno, third years and all that

but you were so sure you had more time left before it happened

didnt you just join the team and met them like yesterday?

nope love you met nearly a year ago

and they made quite an impact on you in the short term you were together

so during the day of graduation

it wasnt really a school day since it was mostly for third years and the whole ceremony but kouhais could come so they could send off their senpais

you already called each third year the night before, nearly 2 hours per boy, to talk to them and cry with them so you didnt have to cry during the day

but ofc

you were sobbing already when you saw your captain walk up and get his tube with the diploma inside

they tried to remain strong as they sat in their seats but a single glance at you and the team at the stands above, the tears were already either forming or full out slipping

i know yall finna beat me up for this but im not really familiar with the other third years in the team bc theyre not really shown in the anime or manga that much so i dont have a good grip on their character so can we pls pretend theyre not in here?? omg pls dont kill me though

the ceremony felt like a long time for the seniors but when it was finally over, they ran out of that building and yall did too and you bolted yourself into the arms of your captain

oikawa held you tightly against him and he didnt care about being seen by his fangirls, who were waiting outside for him, or the others who wanted to have you to them too

‘i love you, y/n-chan’

he mumbled and you nodded

‘mhm. i love you too, oikawa-san. i love all my boys’

YALL MY HEART IS BREAKING BC OIKAWA ACTUALLY MEANT IT THIS TIME AND YOURE STILL OVER HERE THINKING THAT HES JUST SAYING IT AS A FRIEND LIKE IM-

iwa ripped you away from him and your face was buried into his chest

but it didnt last long since the others got a little impatient and just joined the hug turning it into a group hug

‘i dont want you to leave!’

kindaichi sobbed and kunimi sniffled, holding on tighter to the backs of his senpais

even kyo was sad but hes a tuff boy so he easily hid that behind his usual frown and glare

after seeing their parents and reassuring them they would be home soon, you started your trek towards your usual hang out spot

the second and first years were walking ahead of you while the third years fell back in step with you in between them

mattsuhana flanked your left while iwaoi were at your right

the tears were now gone but sniffles still filled the area and everyone was still down in their spirits

you held tightly to the warm big hands of iwaizumi and the soft touch of mattsun’s hand as if you were clutching your life-line

but you knew no matter how tightly you held on to them, they would still go and eventually leave you behind

the ramen shop was filled with another round of tears as everyone realized that this would be the last time seijoh og would have ramen here

‘WE DONT WANT YOU TO GOOO~~~~!!!!!!’

kindaichi sobbed while kunimi aggressively shoved noodles in his mouth to hide his hiccups

you refused to eat because you were so sad that you were scared you might end up throwing it all up later so you settled on relishing your time with the boys

oikawa was busy talking to yahaba and telling him tips and tricks for next year while iwaizumi was consolling the others who were crying

that left you to harshly wipe off the tears and focus on the jokes that matsuhana were telling to help and lighten up the mood

‘think of it like this! you won’t have oikawa and iwaizumi fighting anymore!’

well,,,,,

that kinda made things worse

geez makki stfu!!!!

you bursted into full tears and you sobbed, loudly and freely

‘WAAAAAHHHH!!!!!’

you wheezed and then continued to cry

everyone flinched and got startled at the sight of you crying

theyve seen you cry before but not this intensely and sadly 

‘DONT GO!!! OU-OUR FAMILY’S GONE!! ITS B-BROKEN NOW!!!!’

you wailed

everyone is so used to seijoh antics that they didnt even bat an eyelash when everyone started crying

‘damn it, i was trying not to cry!’

iwa growled and buried his face into his hands to hide the pain in his eyes

‘come here, y/n-chan’

mattsun cooed while sobbing and you went straight into his arms and his arms tightly wounded around you

he pressed kisses on your neck to calm you and he whispered promises to keep you from thinking that you would be alone

the boys were all still crying even when you paid for them and at the exit, everyone wouldnt let go of each other

ngl it was a weird sight of seeing these boys just hanging on and hugging the others and you were tightly pressed against makki’s chest 

‘dont cry, y/n-chan. we’ll be here, always. just a 4-hour ride to tokyo’

he promised but you shook your head

‘--too far’

you mumbled and he was able to make out a few words and he laughed

‘i swear you’ll see us in a few hours’

it took a few words of assurance from makki and eventually mattsun and iwa joined

oikawa stayed back because he already wanted to walk you home and iwa knew you were the one that was the hardest for oikawa to tell his plans to

waving them good bye, you fussed and made sure everyone was not crying anymore

‘you text me the moment you get home, all right? and kyo-san, let the food in your stomach settle before-’

‘before i take a bath-yea i know’

he rolled his eyes but he smiled lightly before hugging you

‘go home now, y/n’

he pushed you towards his captain but you pulled away one last time to give each boy a kiss on the cheek

their lips trembled, especially the third years, and wanted to keep their tears in but they rocket launched to space

yanno that one part in season 1 when kiyoko told them to work hard and then they just snot-rocketed and cried

oikawa interlaced your fingers as you both walked towards your house and it was quiet

you were sus bc it was too quiet and oikawa would usually be either skipping, humming a tune, or just yapping his ass off

but right now

he was quiet, slouchy, and,,,, not oikawa

you looked up to see his face and you knew it wasnt just the graduating part

it was like,,,, he was nervous

you squeezed his hand and that got his attention

‘oikawa-san, whats wrong?’

he suddenly stopped and your linked hands caused you to also stop so you watched him stare down at his shoes and you blinked at him in confusion

‘oika-’

‘y/n, tell me to stay’

he,,, sounded like he was begging

pleading

desperate to hear you say it

‘why should i?’

you asked and he finally lifted his eyes to stare into your eyes

he gulped before further explaining himself 

‘coach got me a volleyball scholarship’

he whispered and your eyes widened before you launched into him for a hug and pulled back to cup his face

‘oh my god! tooru! a scholarship?! im so proud-’

‘in argentina’

he finished and your eyes dimmed, the lifted corners of your lips falling into a frown

‘o-oh’

you stuttered and pulled your hands away but he grabbed them, placing them back to his face 

‘but if you dont want me to go, i wont-’

‘NO! what?! tooru, its your dream! you and iwa-san wouldnt stop talking about that match with argentina and-and you want to go there! dont you dare let that slip away!’

you scolded frantically however oikawa’s face scrunched before he started crying

‘i-i can’t! y/n, i’ll be alone! its so far away! far from iwa, far from you-’

then you reached to your tippy toes and kissed his nose then leaned back with a big smile

‘no matter how far, ill always be right here. im always going to be here, waiting for you’

you mumbled and oikawa hiccuped then leaned his forehead against yours, eyes clashing that was so full of love and fear

‘then dont you worry, y/n-chan. oikawa-senpai will work really hard and he will come back and make you happy’

he whispered and you pulled him even closer to give him the biggest hug

‘im looking forward to it’

TIMESKIPTIMESKIPTIMESKIPTIMESKIP

ONEYEARONEYEARONEYEARONEYEAR

truth to be told with guilty conscience, the third years havent really been in touch

yes theyve called and messaged but there wasnt a normal kind of communication, especially with oikawa

but they decided to go over there during a simultaneous week break for universities in tokyo and iwa, makki, and mattsun pressured oikawa to fly back to japan just for a week to visit

‘iwa-chan im so broke righ-’

‘fine, we’ll see y/n ourselve-’

‘OKAY FINE! HERE! IM BUYING THE TICKET NOW SEE?!’

bahahaha im sorry i love oiks so much its not even funny

they agreed to not tell anyone, even coach, to surprise you all and to see your faces of surprise bc mattsuhana are little shites and they love to mess around

it was a normal day during practice

yahaba was teaching some first years how to serve while watari was giving exercising tips on how to bend their knees without shrieking in athritis

kyotani was doing jump serves while kindaichi and kunimi tried to block him

it was a normal day

the former third years knew the ins and outs of the place and oikawa still had his keys of the gym since he never gave it back so they were easily able to sneak in

they sat on the bleachers and observed everyones growth which really blew them away and took them aback by how much they improved in little time

like kunimis actually huffing and throwing a mini tantrum bc hes so into it and hes mad he didnt get that block right

they also noticed the larger amount of new recruits and based on their practice, it looks like they would be in good hands for the next few years

however, the true shock settled in when this happened

kyotani cursed loudly when the ball hit out but yahaba scolded him for saying a bad word in front of the first years

‘kyotani, dont say that anymore! its not good to teach the babies bad words!’

he ranted and the college boys shared a look of caution and fear, bracing themselves for kyotani’s normal screaming and tantrum for being called out

but they were the most surprised when the bleach-haired boy simply glared at him and turned away to go pick up another ball to hit

‘did,,,, did kyoken-chan-’

‘was he just calm right now?’

‘oh my god iwa-chan kyoken-chan got abducted by aliens!’

I SWEAR TO GOD ITS LIKE THE CURRENT THIRD AND SECOND YEARS GOT AN OIKAWA ‘IWA-CHAN’ SENSOR BECAUSE THE MOMENT HE SAID THAT, THEIR EARS TWITCHED AND THEY JUST KNEW

THEIR SENPAIS WERE HERE

their eyes were wide and their attention snapped towards the bleachers where indeed, their 4 fathers sat

‘OIKAWA-SAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!’

kindaichi screamed and he NYOOMED towards the stairs but kunimi grabbed him by the collar

‘come down here, senpais!’

yahaba urged and coach and naoi shared a look of initial shock but then transformed into happiness

it was nice to see the family together again

they quickly turned into a dog pile with the hugs that were given around like kyotani actually giving iwaizumi a hug and makki and mattsun affectionately ruffling everyone’s hair

the other first years were just staring in awe at the legendary third years of seijoh that theyve heard so much about

‘everyone, these are your seniors!’

yahaba presented and the 3 third years became very flustered but ofc attention whore oikawa soaked it up

‘yes, hello, my little disciples! you are my legacy so work har- IWA-CHAN!’

he was cut into his famous line when his best friend bonked him for being too self-absorbed again

‘waaa, l/n-senpai was right’

some first year mumbled at the scene and their ears perked up at the name

‘l/n?’

‘where is she?! y/n-chan!’

oikawa shouted and looked around

BECAUSE OF FATE

YOU AUTOMATICALLY MANIFESTED THERE

‘YES YOU CALLED’

okay no but you actually walked in just in time, carrying the crate of water bottles, focused on not dropping them so you didnt really see the others

they were silent not because they wanted to mess with you and see how long youd figure out that they were there

no

they were silent because of how BEAUTIFUL you became

you gained a few inches and your hair is now longer with your baby fat slowly melting away and you were also finally showing your growth with your body

the eyes that used to gleam with childish innocence was now mature and poised like a perfect lady

even the way you walked with a crate made it seem like a ballet performance with the grace at every step and the flowery aura you exuded

you have turned from a ridiculously cute and pretty girl to a beautiful goddess

AND YOU WERE ONLY IN YOUR SECOND YEAR HOW THE HELL ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO HANDLE IT WHEN YOURE FINALLY A THIRD YEAR?!

CAN YOU IMAGINE THE AMOUNT OF BOYS THEY HAVE TO WARD OFF?!

‘my god’

iwaizumi mumbled, flushing red and turning away to hide his fluster

‘beautiful’

oikawa whispered and he gulped, not remembering how strikingly attractive you are

‘have mercy’

makki whined softly, clutching his heart as it started beating fast and made his stomach feel all funny

did they act like this back in the day?

mattsun doesnt have control so he ran forward and you were just putting the crate down when you were lifted off of the floor and twirled around

so like yahaba waved off the others to go back to practice so its like not awkward to be standing around and see this happening

there was only one person who did this to you

‘mattsun-san?!’

you shrieked and you giggled happily as he put you down so you were able to hug him properly and eventually, catching sight on the others behind him

your gasp made them smile widely and you pressed a hand to your mouth to hide the shock and your overjoyed laugh

if they could take a picture of this and remember the amount of love your eyes held and the pure unfiltered happiness that swirled in those orbs

it was like they felt themselves falling in love with you all over again

‘oh my god everyone’s here too!’

you ran to them and jumped at the awaiting arms of iwaizumi and he was still the bara arm babie you remembered

‘i missed you, doll’

he whispered

‘hmmm,,,i missed you more’

he let you go and you skipped over to makki who engulfed you in his arms and you felt his soft brown hair because you remembered he loved it when you ran your fingers through his hair

‘youve grown! so much! you got even more beautiful!’

he exclaimed and you giggled, bashful at his compliment

‘hmm~, no i didnt’

he gave you a deadpan look and you chuckled before scurrying away towards the one you wanted to hug the most

he definitely got more toned and he got taller too

you didnt have any time to react since he grabbed you and squished you against him

‘youre here, oikawa-san’

he nuzzled his head against your neck

‘mhm, im here now, y/n-chan’

he placed a kiss on your nose and you scrunched your face but there was a big smile that was clear

then oikawa’s eyes trailed from your face to your,,, ahem,,, girls

‘jesus, y/n-chan really grew, huh’

he complimented and you blinked confusingly before trailing after his eye’s gaze and it landed on your chest and you punched him

‘urusai, oikawa-san! my eyes are up here! youre so perverted. pervert oikawa-san’

you pouted and moved to seek comfort in the arms of makki

‘hmm, oikawa’s perverted as usual. i think it got worse with all those argentinian women’

makki teased and mattsun joined to poke fun at their captain

oikawa whined and told iwa they were making fun of him to which his own best friend betrayed him and starting teasing him too

you simply watched on and your eyes watered, your sniffles catching their attention

‘eh? why are you crying, y/n-chan?’

oikawa asked while approaching you to wipe your tears with his thumbs

but you shook your head with a teary smile

‘n-nothing-just,,,, i missed you guys. an-and im so happy because its like our f-family’s back together and i just-i-’

you cried but it was out of happiness and their hearts warmed

ofc they felt guilty because they were aware that they werent as in touch as they shouldve been so you probably felt lonely and casted aside without any contact from your boys

but they know now to make sure you feel loved and cared for because as you keep saying, they were your boys

they were a family

seijoh is a family 

and you love them 

but they love you more

a/n: okay im sorry this is probably trash and all over the place and im crying and stressing but ive been writing in between my college alg homework and its been so hard like WHY IS NUMBERS SO HARD LIKE WHAT-?! but this has kinda been the baby of my break time and relaxing few minutes bc i procrastinate too much and i want to do something i like before i actually go insane and i promise PROMISE that once everything is cleared up i will edit this and im already working on the other requests so expect a few to be out by the end of the week or something like that!!

#haikyuu #haikyuu!! #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu!! imagines #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu!! x reader #haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu!! headcanons #aoba johsai #aoba johsai x reader #aoba josai x reader #aoba josai #seijoh #aoba johsai imagines #aoba josai imagines #seijoh imagines #seijoh manager #haikyuu manager #haikyuu!! manager #aoba johsai manager #aoba josai manager #seijoh x reader #aoba johsai headcanons #aoba josai headcanons #seijoh headcanons #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu!! fluff #aoba johsai fluff #aoba josai fluff #seijoh fluff

[straynogoddstupid666]

So I walked up to The Greek Godd Aphrodite And said:"u kno Ur Physique would do Great for a gunshot wound."...what..?

                         😐

I couldn't move her miserable

muscles Of his ground

and I couldn't make out

Just who the hell

I was talking about I assumed

I was daydreaming a delirium

I contrued to u I'm very Schizophrenic

Why the writings in the sky?

They hang low above our heads

Terror in godd's eyes shot down

Like a startled deer we need lovin

For our dead dears can u not

Hear my darkest hour a singing to thee

I swear I lack to the confidence

To reach u to touch u

I look on in ur mind with sadd gazes

Why the foul smell? U kno Emmett

Stalks meh in my dreams

U don't kno wahts brewing

u kno am thinking of

U kno waht am asking for

U can keep the night young

As long as u need dear love

I kno the screams was all u could

Endure I prepared myself for the haunting

In case, In case of it the anthrax

Was a dial away I was so serious

And she was so scared and he was

So afraid and they had no emotion

So emotional they made a documentary

So terrible the grave held a scarred face

Plz keep meh from that horrid look

I could not look on at thee

I requeath the raven that ate

Our remorse from us keep the

Gothic in ur gosspel there's no

Reason for our sunken emotion

What else could it be?

No such cries breaks the wind

Of cruelty and along with it

The pain we go and make of ourselves

No christain can compel meh to godd

U'll bring meh closer to death

My title has nothing to do with love

For it is irrelevant in this day

And age my wrds will make

U more wrried thnn concerned

I still see the shadows my eyes

There was no love I could take back

From u For it was nver there

I'm the last but never first

The meal was intook by planes

That fell off the east side

The figures they still move

So I um move my dreads back

To see nothing there but it

Was still there In my provoked

Privacy would hv u more scared

Thnn the child no wonder why the

Babies be missing it's a crime

My dear to let ur child drown

In near pools try living with urself

And after events u commit suicide

But saved by the very Godd who

U dammned unfit from the beginning

She did meh wrong maybe

Was thinking wrong I didnt

Wanna u see talk in mere

Riddles to u, u kno these voices

Don't come to meh for a reason

See the reason from crimes cuz

The law keeps us from experiencing

Right from wrong why u think

Rape was Common and revelant

Among family folk? Couldn't

Believe it couldn't u? Couldn't see

It cming couldn't u??

Shaking hands swearing bullets

Bullets skimming sweatin tears

Shed so Many tears be sad like

Pac's death and u kno my

Heart was gone my Mind was shook

The dead shot themselves again

For living was meaningless

But would u pull the hammer close?

My head full of nihilism

I couldn't bare such dread

Make u wanna um blast ur heads off

I couldn't see it I was shaking

Under the covers like a scared kid

And no one wanna talk about

His missing sister Some fucker

Faired her dead by the sinking bayou

Officers nver found the body

Speaking like dead corpses

In unison in pleasures

the sky Darkens with remorse

Whnn the Hand snuffs

The light out all lights out

No lights here where else could I go?

My head ever turning I kno

I swear I saw her dead by dead ponds

She walks away I fllow her there

But there awaits for meh a killer

He wanted to be a killer in the nighttime

He wanted to be fake in the daytime

He wanted to love by midday

My hands shake with excitement waht

Maddness shall I envoke to u?

Midnight walks I walks slow motion

Deaf as the snow falls we never hear

We get afraid but I keep on a walking

Made hearts in snow made love

In snow winds nxt a crime took place

And the lovers were

dead we are the blame and

The first babies keep awailing

The stray keeps on a caterwauling

We keep convulsing in airports

We get alittle bold to laugh

On public broadcasting

storms In a killer, kills u six times dead

Waht I gotta show for It?

There a reason why sybyr was

On repeat and we enter a new age

Comes in nxt to show how insufficient

We are as we are soon to perish

With The nxt foe so I persuaded to Zeus

To return to mount Olympus

But The mountain the mountain

Lost bits of its diamonds it was

A true fluke I knew A fake wrld

But I was the illusion

stuff Keeps getting rebounded on meh

I was dead before the dirt hits

Like a airbag there was no stoping it

Writing this like am possessed

Even wrds are scarier thnn scenery

Could I go to seventh heaven??

Cuz I needed a whole change in scenerio

I knew my mind wouldn't last long

Losing all hope but senses

Fangs bloomed horns erupted a

Monster was cming my dear and

I don't think u could run so take

Cover as doors were Barging down

Turn on ur heart no grave will have u

Turn on ur heart don't falter

Under the thunderstorm I kno where

We can die I know we'll be at peace

Where are we cming from?

Waht I am I going at?

What was I on about??

Cuz one could not simply

Rest one arm on lady Bianca

Darling darling miss Judith honey

I'll hold ur kisses tight from Now on

I'll - I'll die for u can u not

See my fictional love for u?

Do u not see where I was cming from

Heavy hearted approaching

Lady Aphrodite she gave meh no

Sign of reponse or remorse

I pulled out a chance and said

"ur physique would do great for a gunshot wound." Street lights are off

The air was still the moon was quiet

The sounds echo into screams

Into sad grim shed barns wood burning

We look on in from a distance

'did I see anything?'

No.... I saw somthing fllow you..."

Scared they shoot meh

And as I post this don't trump

Meh with ur harsh profounds wrds

I groan as a new day starts

I sigh at one's fake depression

I snicker at dead graves

And ooooh my head hurts

Shall u wake meh Whnn I pass away

I wanna pass away

don't Cry The Day away my friends

I was just a broken man

A Empty shell of a man

But I was too late for a third chance

She helped swiper to change his future

I gotta go someone was standing in

My closet bye bye *see u later*

                      😀

*screams inaudible to the sky*

#dark #dark poetry #dark poem #poem #haiku poem #poems on tumblr #sad poems #emo boy #gothic #emotions #emo music #fakery #depression #poetic #horror #terror #😀 #poetry #sad poetry #poets on tumblr #forlorn #so many feels #grim #mood #badbvibes #sadvibes

[b-ap]

[181117] B.A.P Forever Tour in Philadelphia - Highlight of my Life

This was really one of the best concerts I’ve ever gone to. Despite being skeptical of JSJ from the beginning, I was still willing to risk it and buy the tickets. I was debating for a while to drop $400 or not for m&g but when you think about it, it was only $30 per photo with each of the boys (+ a hat, hoodie, and whistle) so that’s HELLA worth it.  So I dropped nearly $600 for this concert but for real it was SO worth it. I was even willing to go down by bus all by myself and possibly wandering the streets of philly late at night for it but luckily was able to catch a ride! 

These two BABYz gave out numbers from the very beginning like they marked down if you were plat or baby package and in the end JSJ and fans actually honored them! It was really great cuz we were able to leave the line to go to the bathroom or get food! BABYz around me were so nice and friendly too ;u; When it was time to go in to soundcheck and for the concert, we all actually got in order! It was REALLY nice like wow thank you philly babyz!! We were let in a little late for soundcheck cuz apparently bap was doing some kind of interview?? As for soundcheck, it was sooOOOoooOOO good!!! They kinda mixed up plat and baby but oh well whatever I still got like 3rd row so *^* WOOHOO! The stage was up really high and the venue was quite small, but philly crowd’s passion was explosive and powerful!! At the beginning of soundcheck Zelo kept like peeking out from the backstage door *^* they were ODing the fog machine so you could only see silhouettes at the door sometimes OTL. Daehyun was the first to come out! He came in this big puffer jacket and had earphones and and was smiling so cutely!! That wonderful wonderful kitty smile!! OH MY HEART PLEASE HAVE MERCY!! And then the others came out! <3 Zelo was wearing like PJ pants lmao the same one he wore in that IG pic of him in the truck, jongup was wearing leather (i think.....), himchan wore the tour hoodie, and youngjae wore a long coat. BUT YEAH the first song they did was TMJ and the crowd was hella LIT!!! Like everyone was singing their lungs out and jumping and being really really excited! We all started jamming out hardcore at the very first note of TMJ and I just knew it was about to be epic. BAP was sooo happy!! They really enjoyed it as well!  And then they did DWIF and omfg daehyun was soooo cute cuz we were so loud during the OH!! part that he was like :O!!!!! and gave us two thumbs up!! The others were really happy too!! And then Zelo was controlling the crowd with his hands LOL like he was making us go side to side like a wave and then jongup was doing this weird dance too lmaooo we hyped up each other so much! It was soo much fun ;A; too bad we couldn’t record but JSJ got a ( video )~!! Like just listen to BABYz singing along at the beginning!! ( dh shocked at 0:41, thumbs up at 0:51)

We had to go back outside again after the concert and that’s when the line got a little messy since now there was also GA peeps and the sidewalk is only so big to fit like 3 different lines. But it worked out in the end and we got in order!! AND YA GIRL GOT FCKN 2ND ROW HEEEEEEEEELLLL YEAHH!! I had a GREAT view!! There was actually quite a lot of space and like NO pushing!! (except this one bishhhh but whatever that’s another story -.- i’ll delete her from my memory) But wow pit was fCKN great like wow the fanchants!! The whistles!! NO PUSHING!! LIKE WHAT WOOOW I LOVE YOU (this was an all standing venue btw). When we were waiting for the concert to start, they played a bunch of their songs and everyone was scream-singing the lyrics (well more like trying to LOL we can’t korean) We had our own bap concert with an empty stage lmaooo 

AND AHHHH BAP WAS SOOOO GOOD AT FANSERVICE!!! Himchan noticed me like several times i fucking cRy!! He looked and waved at mee TWICE and like gestured to focus on zelo for recording and taking pics when it was his part AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Like last year he saw me struggling in pit (cuz that was HELL) and looked worried I CRY and he smiled at me too huuuhuuu himchan youre a fckn angel I LOVE YOU!!! I made a half heart at daehyun and hE FCKN COMPLETED IT I WAS ABOUT TO FCKN DIE RIGHT THEN AND THERE LIKE !!!!!!!!!!!! JOngup threw so many hearts and kisses at the crowd and youngjae blew so many kisses!! They were waving as much as possible to fans and daehyun, bless his heart, kept saying thank you!!thank you!! at any chance he could get!

During Q&A, bap spent the longest time arguing about harry potter houses pmsl and then yj was just like idk i never watched it (shame on you bro) and then himchan was like EXPECTRO PATRONUM!! (nerrRRRddddd). Jongup said he was fckn Dobby like bruH thats not even a house!!! YJ was like forget this!! and said, “PASS!!” Himchan said that he was Slytherin and then jongup said that Himchan would be fkcn Snape and did this dramatic coat sweeping straightening up his back thing LOL so himchan said Jongup would be a muggle pmsl Zelo did like a broom riding imitation??? irdk.... Next question was what was your favorite song that you’ve ever made. Jongup answered Photo and sang a little of it (so then where is the studio version biiSHHHhh) but lol BABYz were like SEXY CLAP!!!!!! Youngjae pulled out a question, looked at it and was like NOPE! and put it back pmsl! The next question was what tricks can Mochii do and then youngjae was frckn like body slamming zelo and jongup lmaooo. Zelo was sooooo cute he was telling the story of how Mochii bit in all in English!! He said how he was eating and was struggling to explain that Mochii was under the table so BABYz were helping him! He said that he dropped cheese and then Mochii went to eat it but Zelo tried to stop him. Mochii bit and and then Zelo was like “ooh! bloood! my dog is ...wildlife” but the way he said blood was soo cute like the oo in moon instead of “blud”  This sweet precious boy!! His English was so good!!!! The next question was to sing happy birthday to a BABY named Jenny (wow you LUCKY girl im sooo jelly omfg). So Zelo sings her hbd really dramatically lmao and they give her their sweaty towel and Zelo gave her a water bottle too!! They’re so sweet!!!!!!! 

During their other talk segment, Youngjae was like since our tour in america, philly has been the most passionate! So we all SCREAMED and cheered like crazy! Daehyun was like hold up!! AGAIN! and went to grab a phone. He made us all scream and cheer again so he could record it. The boys kept gesturing to scream louder and more and were totally enjoying the cheers! I hope we conveyed our love for them well enough!! Also Daehyun release that footage soon pls!!! He told us we did a good job screaming lmaoo! Youngjae kept making sounds for us to repeat lmao like ooOOoooo (idk how to describe it LOL) and then was like “maestro!” when trying to silence us with his fingers like a conductor LOL but we kept screaming things LOL someone was like “this is my first kpop concert!!” so youngjae was like “sounds good!” and gave a thumbs up. Jongup also did the conductor thing hahahah Daehyun promised to come back again next year and I REALLY REALLY hope that they do!!!! 

The solos were beyond amazing. Like rewatching youngjae and daehyun’s solos made me tear up like how do such beautiful voices exist in this world? Did I really hear those ethereal voices in real life? It was sooo mesmerizing and breathtaking! Youngjae’s gorgeous baritone voice singing that smooth ballad huuuhuuu my heEArt!!! Daehyun’s heartwrenchingly beautiful voice, song, and lyrics wow let me just lie down and drown in my tears rn bYE! DaeUp’s duet was so cool, Jongup’s TML was perfect as usual, Zelo’s solo was sinful oh my those hip and that peach *blushes* it was suuuper fun and Zelo enjoyed it a LOT too!!! He lifted up his shirt!! 

THEN IT WAS M&G TIME!!! They set up the background right in front of the stage. We lined up to go in and bap was standing like: jongup, youngjae, daehyun, himchan, zelo! It was plat individual photos first, then baby group + hi-touch, then plat group + hi-touch. BABYz really went for it!! Like a lot of us got hugs! We were able to watch the whole m&g but they didnt let us have our phones out ;A; (and I also had used up all 6.5 GB of space on my phone OTL) BAP were SOOOOOOOO sweet UGH we stan literal ANGELS!! They love BABYz so fricken much!! JSJ was sooo nice to allow a lot of fan interactions AHHHHHHHH BAP did a lot of cute poses and played around with BABYz! LEt mE TELL YOU THAT BAP IS SERIOUSLY SOOOO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL, HANDSOME, GORGEOUS, STUNNING, MESMERIZING, UP CLOSE HOW DID MY HEART EVEN SURVIVE?????? I GOT TO BEAR HUG EVERYONEEEE THEYRE ALL SO TALL AND IM HELLA SMOL SO THEY HAD TO SQUAT DOWN FOR ME HUUHUU THYE LIKE PATTED MY BACK DURING THE HUGS TOO AHHHHHH WE HAD A DECENT AMOUNT OF TIME WITH ALL OF THEM!!! I TOLD DAEHYUN I SAW HIM IN KOREA IN ASU AND HE WAS LIKE OOOOOH THANK YOU!!! CURSES TO MY TINY AF VOICE CUZ I DONT THINK THEY ALL EVEN REALLY HEARD WHAT I SAID SOMETIMES!!! I told Zelo he was too tall for me lmaooo I really wanna see how much he had to bend down for me! I seriously wished that my m&g was recorded but :((((((((((( After my m&g I legit squealed and hugged my friend lmao but the staff yelled at us for being too loud LMAO BUT GIRL WE JUST HUGGED FCKN KINGS LIKE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We tried to contain ourselves as much as possible LOL Daehyun said thank you out loud to a lot of BABYz after their m&g! Zelo kept dabbing at BABYz lmaooo a lot of them didnt notice tho cuz he would do it after they had already passed him HAHAHA when it was my hi-touch I dabbed at Zelo hahah and he dabbed back :D I wanted to get a group hug from them but i got too excited and FUCKING FORGOT to ask for a group hug *kicks myself* Now I wish I had written my name on a name tag (like “HI I’M JUNIE”) and hope they wouldve said “HI JUNIE”  but I didnt OTL 

I really wish I could relive the whole day. I wish I was able to record my m&g and got a group hug or them to say my name or I had said something more to them but it’s ok my heart is very very happy and I love bap soo much. My 7 year love for them continues and I will really love them forever. Let’s meet again soon, my loves! I’m looking forward to then~! 

#i wrote this during the 2 hour drive back to the city #i actually ditched my friends that weekend to go to the concert LOL cuz it was the same weekend as an anime convention #but i dont regret it at all LOL im sorry friends #i still remember the m&g #i miss them a lot #this fanaccount is so cringe but hey its my feels #lowkey wish i can like steal the venue's security footage of the night lmao #gosh theyre so beautiful #i wish i couldve gotten that last group hug though huuhuu #oh yeah warning this thing is hella long #if you read it then wow #fanaccount #bap #reread this to relive that night #and now im sad #:(

[maldreathezora]

I HAVE ASPERGERS TOO AND ROOMMATE PROBLEMS CUZ SHE DIDNT TELL ME IM ANNOYING AND ITS UNCOMFORTABLE IN HERE AND I DIDNT PICK UP ON THEM SOCIAL CUES AT ALL. SEND HELP

AGH *INTERNET HUGS* I wish I knew how to help but I only just figured out how to talk about aspergers, like, in the past 3 years and by that point I’d lost 3 neurotypical friends because they didn’t know how to communicate and I didn’t know how to explain! Because I can slide by under the radar as “Oh, she’s just shy” and I don’t have a lot of outward signs (besides getting really absorbed into activities), I’ve never been diagnosed and only realized I was on the spectrum because my nephew was diagnosed with it, and watching him grow up I realized, “Holy crap, we think so similarly…” He’s noticably aspies, though, so even then it took me forever to make the connection that I was on the spectrum too.If you want to try to explain to them… here’s how I explained aspergers to a friend through text just the other day. This is from my experience but feel free to use any of it that makes sense for you:“So, for neurotypicals, emotional cues are easy to pick up on. It’s instinctual for a normal person to pick up on how another person is feeling. Aspergians don’t pick up on emotional cues easily; that part of our brain acts differently. Emotional cues pass right by us unless we train ourselves very hard to pick up on them. But even then, most of the time we have to rely on exactly what the other person says, trust what they say to be true. Sarcasm, for instance, relies on emotional cues– and goes right over my head. And sometimes through text, it’s very difficult to tell if someone is being sarcastic, if they just need a friendly ear, if I’m being prompted to give advice, or be a mentor.” In response to when they said, “It’s really hard to tell what you’re feeling,” I said:“As an Aspergian I’m not great at expressing my emotions in a casual way. They tend to build and build until I find a release through art or crying or exercise. So most of the time I’m repressing emotions. I also suffer from depression which encourages me to repress emotions as well.”I’ve been thinking about this explanation lately: It’s like neurotypicals are psychic and don’t know it, and aspergerians are psychically deaf. “Psychically deaf” is a trope I’ve used in two of my comics, and I think it’s the best way to explain how I think differently from most people, though I don’t think it would land with a neurotypical audience because they’ll just think, “That’s stupid! Of course I’m not psychic!” Even if you say emotionally psychic they wouldn’t get it. It probably only makes sense from an aspies point of view.Everyone has heard the phrase, “I can’t hear what you don’t say,” but for neurotypicals it’s: “I can’t hear what you don’t subconsciously communicate through inflection and emotion,” while for aspies it’s “I can’t hear what you don’t say in a literal fashion.”Me and a neurotypical friend just had a text conversation about aspergers, and I think it was very revealing for both of usThem: When I’m not feeling well you keep turning it into a conversation about you.Me: Well when you’re not feeling well, how do you communicate that?Them: Well, I start talking in short sentences and I say “Yeah,” or “Fine,” or “Okay.” Or “Whatever.”Me: OH MY GOD I’VE BEEN TAKING YOU LITERALLY! Whenever you say “Yeah, fine, okay,” I’m like OH GOOD EVERYTHING’S OKAY AND I KEEP TALKING ABOUT MYSELF LIKE NOTHING’S WRONGThem: OH MY GODSorry for the long reply, I hope that was okay…

#aspergers #this is why I draw comics #emotions are very easily recognizable in cartoons #and YOU GET THOUGHT BUBBLES! #askthelandbeforetimefandom #I guess if all else fails you could show them the Arthur episode about Aspergers

[castlehead]

makeshift feels from the opinion lab

kafka wrote in a journal urhmherm of being limited to prague, then his room, then his bed, then nothing at all. to be limited at last to nothing at all. well. turns out i guess the most kafkaesque sentiment came from franz kafka.

enjoi ya rickety gethsemane while it is still to be dreamed, young writers, young writers of youth.

after a job on a hot day back in april or may or something i started listening to this while walking out of the truck towards the gas station convenience store and abruptly pivoted away from the sliding doors to sneak around the side and weep near the green fencing around some boilers. it occurred to me how little i could ever forgive myself for doing.

the shit ive done, all of it, i havent forgiven myself. if i did it and it was bad, or even meagre, dumb, really no big deal, bet yr ass it still keeps me from thinking i deserve happiness. i do not forgive myself for anything ive ever done. no deed is too temporal to etch itself cleanly into my head as something unforgivable, if only it makes a small point.

i know this is true because no joy i ever feel is felt fully, because i do not think it is deserved; and because i allow myself to be joyous only when i think of the truth of my unforgiven, unforgivable state. never to be. Never will.

and that is what is depression.

There must be something here, in me. Here where the jackals caterwAul Like streetcats Mewing their gizzard After this night’s heat, What’ll it be Jackals, Buzz off, shit man

i feel like the key to life is knowing that 90 percent of anxiety & depression, either in degree or in its truth, and at least somewhere not wracked by war, is unsubstantiated (the ten percent being actual crises, like fear of violence, a death in the family, etc). The problem is how persuasive these feelings can be that lead to the fulfillment of the very fear or solidifying the reason for being depressed. But with positive feelings, the least thing, whether true or no, can always be rewarding. A bit of happiness must be allowed to be felt, indiscriminately, because it is more useful to us than a bit of sadness. Take the fierce dialectic u use to establish a depressing ‘truth’ and persuade yourself of something good. If one is far fetched, let it be the something bad. Until it happens, after all, all of it remains in your head, to do with what u will.

You don’t get to lower taxes on the rich and gut social services at the same time. The reason social services are in place is to provide a fair shake for john q public. Mostly investors are feeling the benefits of the corporate tax cut. They’re not giving the money towards a better product that would help the people. but one day there will be no sesame seeds on the bun of yr Big Mac and you’ll wonder how that’s possible with an entire sesame seed dept that just got a pay raise.

tax reform should be done to help a free market, so that the rich can be poor and the poor rich. Taxation helps the people so that social services become less necessary. Social services were developed because the percentage of taxation was unequal between higher and lower class. Poor folks felt the pain while rich folks shrugged it off.

Thats why I say you can’t do both: social services are a protection against the world being entirely controlled, if it’s not already, by those from the very swamp this president wants to drain. T**** hasn’t drained shit.

i feel like writing takes over for your thought process. You can’t think and write at the same time, or something. something turns off or it switches where it’s doing the shit it’s doing to a different place, like yr hands. I don’t think you can write down one linear thought with another thought being thought in your head. This is why people say their mind goes blank in extended periods of inspiration. The functioning has gone from being untethered and temporal, ie wandering thoughts, notions, speculating, to being possessed in a focused place, ie yr hands, which usually leads to a more focused expression of perhaps a thought of particular value, enough in the first place to require writing down. But tho this can be easy for some talented people, who might, as Joyce said, polish their nails while writing some genius thing, what does not come easy for anybody, because it is imposssible, is thinking two disparate things, of the everyday and of some behemoth philosophic concept, for example, without either one taken place after or before; or, one of them being intermittently disturbed, tho linearly, by the other, like a notification on yr phone- until at last one of the two breaks down, and the foxus superseded by the one left. This is especially novel. One thinks; one does not think and also think. That would make it two people in one head. Therefore we can presume that ones identity is found in the unity, or internal focus, of their story in thoughts down one narrow wire: thought can cross many paths and examine everything under and beyond th sun, but per person it is still in the singular. It cannot divide into two simultaneous paths of equal focus. there can be multilayered thoughts with a similar core concept behind them, and these can be thought simultaneously as much as one can ante up and dole out shades of emotion and shades of thought, and so on. But I cannot think of a teleological explanation for all creation and with the same focus Apply myself to letters in the mail. There is a dominant voice, and the rest, the mundane voice, is seen thru that lens.

ya cant say yr colorblind then gripe about people hatin ya cuz u r white. contradiction of terms no? if you really didnt see color, ud say people hated yr ass because yr a damnfool entrylevel, grunt-ass lowbrow. not because of the color of ya skin, which ya recognized and put to the forefront in making that very statement.

feel like uh, a priori is not intuition alone. Intuition is a function of the mind, while a priori is, if I understand Kant correctly, a representation synthesized before there is an object of focus available for the senses to interpret, ie an essentially true conclusion drawn, that has no need for a combined manifold, as, Kant tells us, is offered by merely living in space and time: time to extend and progress from cause to effect to cause, and space to do it in. In other words, intuition is cognitive- psychological, and a priori, theoretical- logical.

Pathos is the one thing most divine about people, for i see that in my worst state I can still grieve for the savaging of life’s last hope, and be uplifted, feel tears, at least for a little blessed while. There is no state so low that does not inspire one to at least pity themselves, and feel the comfort of passions, however mistaken or wretched the person.

i feel that / Some subjects do not even allow to be proved through the scientific method, yet they are still issues of a scientific nature and not just mysticism. the line is very thin however, since usually these subjects devolve into mysticism. In fact, if science only worked with that which could be proven, from the outset or otherwise, we’d have a pretty limited roster of discoveries. Sometimes discoveries can be made along the way towards proving; sometimes, discoveries can be made, scientifically, thru means that for lack of anything better, are entirely theoretical. And sometimes the search is not to prove something true but to clarify something. Science is not out to be incontrovertible.

The man in mismatched sox inhaled not as deeply as he would have liked at such a crescendo, even if on the third listen in a row, then, looked up at the massive pure blue upwards, cloudless, felt likely to cry for joy, but in the end simply mouthed the words:

“I’m gonna die of loneliness, fo sho.”

So often doth trespass our intuition upon realms and pathways of a more intimate enumeration of cause and effect than could be available to any witness, and that is available only to the actioning of objects involved in the event seen and analyzed by what and who were no player.

The crisis paid goodbyes in the form of telling your ass off, is what he said. But we all knew he thought he was merely a parable often enough already. We didn’t listen to the crisis, deliberately shut our ears like boxing them very slowly ourselves before anyone else could. Later in the year many terrible events would occur that were the direct result of ignoring his words. But nobody came around to believing he did it. The crisis was way off teaching prophecies someplace probably foreign. But if I refuse to be confined to learning from my own folly I should at least give the follies of others a chance. Fatass karma, and more hell than handbasket.

What the crisis he said was

HEY YOU DONT WANT TO FACE JACK, FACE? TELL ME ABOUT HOW CRUELTY CAN BE ELEGANT AGAIN. YOU ARE FACING NO SUCH BURDEN OF SIMPLY LIVING. TELL ME WHAT HALLUCINATIONS ARE, YOU SWOLLEN, DYSPEPTIC SHIT.

And to this day All I remember is him Looking slain already Like he’d be on the slab In days Or even hundreds of years from then And it’d be how, uh, how He looked then Slamming the door While my sister and things Was gatherin they buckets for weeping later In that queer disease of spite where You grieve for the vanquished enemy.

all triumph is in some sense humorous, for in itself triumph is the opposite of tragedy. that is why the soldier laughs as he shoots at a retreating enemy. there is an element of rowdiness that is somewhat comedic, taken in itself.

Numbers are the only symbols that stand for what they are. In this way they are more like hieroglyphs

is bed porn a thing? it should definitely be a thing.

THIS LIFE IS FILLED WITH DARKNESS THIS DARKNESS IS SO LIGHT GOD IN HEAVEN QUA SKY MUST BEAT WINGS TO KEEP ON GROUND NOTHING MUCH IS EVER FOUND NOTHING MUCH IS EVER FOUND. No symbols where none intended etc etc

No art is permanent, in that its aims in being created do not last, do not translate between epochs. I will never experience Homer as one living in Ancient Greece. Have not closely read Homer, but when I do it will be as myself in my time, with all the sullying context of those years from then to now only left to unguide me.

Kierkegaard tricks you into thinking he knows his insanity is illogical, the side effect of writing his labyrinths. The frightening moment comes when you realize how fiercely logical his insanity seems to him, and how insane the World actually is, and you wonder if it is that you do not understand it or just do not accept it.

#prose #powtry #prowse #poetry #collage #social media

[bluebirdzykaysies]

5.14 - day before momma leaves

Goddamnit I hate to admit it but I’m already thinking and crying like a baby in my head once my mom leaves me to go back home to sf. the feeling is mutual like melissa said cause she’ll probably be just as a wreck and all this time I’ve been spending with her, I’m cherishing even more. I’ve never felt like this and Victoria said the same thing; expecting that while I transition. But everyone needs to experience this. I DO, especially. I need the time away for a bit to miss them and I already miss those interactions with my brothers too of just lounging in the living room watching NBA games all night, or youtube videos like its judyslife or ustheduo.

Our lives have changed already and itll be so hard as I am bawling my eyes out, sitting in my newly mounted dining table my mom and I put together, facing outwards my window with the Chicago sun, beaming through at a whopping 54 degrees.

This is my life now, I will be on my own and making decisions on my own. Ive told a few folks that I’m sad yet annoyed my moms time here was a bit much. But I know it was perfect for what it is. We’ve been tired each and everytime, her actions speak volumes and our conversations arent as deep as I want, but I know this quality time was one that will impact my life forever. Even though I hate to admit it or will say this to her face. i love my mom. so much, she means so much to me and my brothers. The amount of things she does unselfishly aka drive my freaking car with just her and hector for 5 days cross country. do what she did to make me help settle, there is no one like her. and I will forever appreciate her and love her.

She is opinionated and still felt like I couldnt decide for myself but this will be also a time where I speak up and use my voice. Saying NO.

ugh the tears keep falling down but some highlights from this past week were:

- Silly vlog videos that I actually may put together when I get the time

- 5/6; arrived - went to container store to buy my elfa shelving for my closet. Super nice lady that worked there Hector spoke to. Went to world market to check out their furniture and standing mirrors. TJ Maxx/HomeGoods and picked up some bathroom essentials, shower curtain, mats and beddings, Facetimed Yan/Ronz/Brent+Rick at night (10pm CST) 

Mom stayed with Hector at Courtyard Marriot til Saturday 5/8. So I wanted to stay at the apartment for the first time alone and enjoy the moment and soak it all in. Parking at my garage alone, randomly waking up to the SUNRISE at 545am and just being in awe of my new city... I could just cry

Didn’t get my wifi set up yet so the struggle was real a bit. The air mattress we got from costco has been tough to sleep on but eventually Ill get my mattress. Just have been torn with my furniture not being here since everything was rushed and happened so quickly. Learnings from the move thus far:

-Write a damn list, I DID NOT. Aka thats why a bunch of junk and unnecessary things were with my mom and hector in the car. All couldve been bought here. I ocouldve taken more clothes and shoes

-Alot of my clothes aka my favorite jean jacket and pink/mauve henley was left at home. My running shoes - I decided not to prioritize idk fucking why *rolls eyes* and alot of my other valuables. Brendan is nice enough to ship it. Its not worth to buy a RT flight and go there and take it all back with me... no. :( I would though tbh if I was in LA. lol make couple trips but I’m far enough that its like.... whewww is it worth but one day I will come back and visit. For now, its slated for Oct

5/7 Friday; I had it off started the day late at 12pm and booked my mom, hector and myself tickets to the skydeck. my mom was HILARIOUS, she was scared at first and thought it would be a huge platform to see under but once she saw its just a small piece of glass over 105 floors, it wasnt THAT bad. Her and hector are hilarious together and annoying a little LOL. but I guess they’re cute

Went to Wrigley Field while there was a game and that was an experience. Fans at the top of their houses, Security all over the block, streets closed, fans everywhere. Its such a historical building in the middle of a freaking neighborhood so it made itself unique vs att/oracle park being so secluded down in mission bay.

RPM Steak for dinner in River North. Valet’d the car and Hector treated us to a Missouri Steak? it was bomb though but I wanted Medium and he wanted medium rare... cream of spinach, mac and cheese, asparagus and for dessert topped with a Baked Alaskan. Whatever that is. (It was good) and my first time trying it.. me and mom. Our waitor was a nice lady in her 30s, gave me tori kelly vibes. Then another worker stopped by our table who looked filipino for sure (Rox’s ex Dennis look a like) but I already for got his name. He told us how he lived in West Town too and would eat at this bomb restaurant called “Uncle Mikes” maybe the ‘superstar’ of chicago :) hectors jokes were a bit much saying climbing up the coconut tree and asking if he can make halo halo in the back for dessert. No sir....

5/8 Saturday; Plan was to visit Macys downtown to check out furniture at around 930am. But they werent open til 11am. We checked out the Bean at Millenium Park and my mom got to see all the tulips and flowers. We waited in line for a while at Stans Donuts since Wildberry was just too WILD and packed, so we walked a block down and had ourselves some coffee and donuts for the day. After we headed to Macys and were greeted by a tall man name Hilary. he’s THEEE BEST. he knew we didnt have to buy anything from him at macys but he’s such a sales guy and has been in this business for so long that he kept tlaking about Quality of furniture and making yourself feel comfy and at home. Being in a small apt, or living out alone for the first time, separating each section once winter hits so you’re not bored out of your mind in the small place. He was so friendly and nice, I took his business card. Went to Ashley’s on the way to the airport and got gas. Feel in love with the small dinette table they had but the one I’m sitting on now I feel like is just perfect. Soletren couch will forever be out of stock and I will never let this go :( honestly dont know how itll fit in my door but i guess i will settle for something reasonable and decent in size

IVE BEEN SPENDING SO MUCH MONEY. . . . . . . I cant even. I got paid today so todays check will be sponsoring all of my credit card funds. Gna just pay it off in full so I dont have to deal with it. But going forward a budget will be set. and luckily some of the things I bought work can reimburse so I’ll do expenses sunday perhaps.

Saturday evening after dropping off hector, we did errands in the suburbs and went to a walmart. a bit ghetto lookin but its fine. Decided to go to costco after but had an incidentn with this white man who bumped my car and didnt apologize. I was going to say something but we’re so far out in the suburbs Idk what the hell he wouldve done to me. And if they’re racist out there. took the long way home and it was prob not through the safest neighbor hoods but my mom didnt have to know since traffic on the freeway was just ALOT. omg and the roads are just so bumpy, my poor car. Becca said she has a guy at a shop her family always goes to so hopefuully I wont need him but just nice to know the option is there.

Went to the costco up by roscoe village and bought food and more essentials like medicine i have a whole pharmacy.  again throughout all this, my mom is the MVP. I wouldve been like, Ill go get it when I need it vs mom stocking up beforehand. We ended up setting my living room with a japanese style seating using my elfa shelving as the table and a towel over it. Leftovers from RPM for dinner and ribs/salad from costco. (I keep eating, and we’re not walking alot so....... I’m def gaining wait and will need to lose this asap)

I’ll be back more to cover this past week; mothers day, ikea, seafood city, hanging with becca, azul mariscos, drunk at ross and dollar tree, pants falling (mom) unbuttoned pants cuz we’re so ‘stuffffffed’ hanging with the boys via facetime cause I do miss them :( I need to havea schedule with them.

kk toodles. time to go back to work. no more crying (maybe) then an architecture tour with my mom <3 and dinner at a steakhouse at MJ’s on Michigan Ave BYeeeee

[auntbibby]

these terfs are all assuming so much about me. a lot of it directly contradicting what im trying to convey, based on the assumption that im dishonest about myself. like... i didnt HAVE to put that cry for help in my tags for that post. i put it in there cuz instagrammers have been making infographics and fake text conversations since 2 days ago saying the jewish side of my family is harvesting babies for satanic stuff and that i was incarcerated and shit? like just making up stuff about me cuz they think its funny? and then DMing me “look im on your side i just wanna let you know that this other guy, who My Account is FOLLOWING ON THIS SITE RIGHT NOW, made these fake text conversations about you making you look like a david fincher movie villain & Sent Them To The Police, JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW CUZ IM YOUR BUD”

like.... dude, im Blocking That Account, youre obviously Bein My Buddy On The Inside because youre trans-harasser buddies needed a way to make sure i saw that post to cause maximum emotional damage to me cuz youre all 4chan nazi shitheads who get off on putting people like me in the hospital.....

so i put in this cry for help in my tags cuz the 4channers are mass-reporting ME over stuff They Know They Made Up, so i have no recourse other than a report-war but i know i’ll lose cuz they got a million people and a billion accounts with a quadrillion followers..... and what happens?

the terfs see that cry for help and think “oh this person is sayin that other people are callin them a pedo? Didn’t Realize This Person Was A Pedo” like COME ON HOW ARE YOU THE SAME FOLKS THAT REFUSE TO BELIEVE TRANS PEOPLE ARE OPPRESSED

terf: the transfemale community is not allowed to have the majority of their members be of average attractiveness or below, even though men are societally-allowed to be unattractive like that, and we consider you men. we hold an unrealistically high standard of attractiveness for transwomen just like cismen do for us despite you having a biologically-masculine obstacle to achieving that same attractiveness that we don’t face. look like a supermodel/hollywood actress or we will call you delusional

trans women: ok im gonna follow societal standards of feminine beauty super-rigidly in order to satisfy your insane standards. in fact, im going to make it my personal goal/aesthetic

terfs: YOU CAN’T DO BIMBO STEREOTYPE STUFF THATS NOT ALLOWED. WE GET A FREE PASS FOR BEING FORCED TO FOLLOW THESE STANDARDS TO KEEP UP AND OF RECLAIMING THEM FOR OURSELVES, BUT YOU DONT GET TO DO SOMETHING EMPOWERING LIKE THAT BECAUSE A PROTEIN IN YOUR CELLS IS SHAPED LIKE THE WRONG ALPHABET LETTER. IN FACT YOU ARENT ALLOWED TO HAVE ANY LIBIDO. ALL OF YOU TRANSWOMEN HAVE TO BE ASEXUAL SUPERMODELS WHO SIMULTANEOUSLY AVOID SEEMING LIKE STEPFORD WIVES, OR WE DONT CONSIDER YOU WOMEN. WE CONSIDER OURSELVES FEMINISTS BTW

[pokefanbri]

I got in touch with my 1st love a couple months ago..hes a half native American & white dude, pretty pudgy now like triple the size of himself in middle school lol. Doesn't have much time left on this earth I feel for him, im glad I know now cause if I hadn't it probably would've been alot more devastating. Doesnt have to wear a mask cuz really whats the point. We met for coffee, got to hang out at the mall & he visited my work, we did talk & clear the air..got some things out that were left unsaid & i gotta say it really did help & we're better for it 😊 we're now cool & no hard feelings.

We used to be on & off in hs but the last time I broke it off with him for good reasons & also due to my mother 😒 If it weren't for him & our own experiences, & then every guy since...I would've have known how much I really love or attached I can be to someone (which has been all of them really but does disintegrate over time & going into new relationships they become just a distant memory as the yrs go by & then ur all about the new guy 🤔 basically right) or how unattached I can get when I just dont love them anymore...(of which has only happened twice)

For the record I've had 5 relationships my whole life...not counting flings..out of 2 they broke up with me.. & they so happen to be the ones i fell hard & fast for...its a common theme but they are the best ones I've experienced & I think I have a confirmed type now that I think about it lol. Im thinking too much again, but..they're top tier unforgettable.

I fell damn fucking hard this time around just like I did Thomas..don't think I got enough of him either...😤 seriously wtf is it with these charming & hilarious, headstrong, smart ass, string bean, stoner, Leo men fucking my heart up after only a few months time! What is the universe trying to tell me! I swear to God in another lifetime they would've been friends its an incredible likeness. History repeated itself it seems..I was so in love with him too, we were only 19 but omg he was awesome & we were ALL OVER EACHOTHER 🤤. He was my coworker, a red headed skinny bobblehead tho, & lived in my apt complex his best friend Danny boy did too in his own, hard core Call of Duty players I remember they high jacked my tv for optimum experience...😒 walking the tv across the parking lot was super sketchy looking lol.

Anyway after Thomas broke up with me for saying the L word "too soon" it freaked him out I guess & my brain cracked from the devastation...doctors are convinced it was the weed 😒 and apparently I ODd on Tylenol...crock of bs btw but whatever...i couldn't sleep & for days I was in a haze til I finally called my aunt for help & all of a sudden I was locked away in a psych ward for 2 weeks so they could observe what was wrong & diagnose me. Had to quit pima college & stop working, put everything on hold for my health. After I came back, Tom admitted he wanted me back but he hated my 1st love with a passion. I confessed I was back with my 1st as he was there at my side & visiting..when Tom had no idea where tf I was, me missing worried him sick. I had no clue & for all I knew he forgot about me while I was grieving over us in the hospital (I couldn't have my phone..knew a select few #s by heart otherwise he would've been the 1st I'd call), I was still dazed & super fucked up from the hospital..just outright exhausted when Thomas came to my apartment wanting to try again....yea I messed that up though regretfully. I told him the truth...I know it hurt him, hurt me too. Never saw Thomas again 😔 he was my 2nd, wonder how he is.

After I broke up with my 1st there was like a 1 or 2 month relationship with a fat Irish dude named Patrick I met from college, he insulted my mom..kicked his ass the curb 😂 yea she chased him away too just like my 1st...but an Irish version..was kinda a deadbeat anyway good riddance. I was alone for about 5 years after that til eventually met my ex-husband matt & was with him for technically 7 years & then that ended.

Long story short I was hit with another love bomb over the past year (T2.0 lol) & the fallout is taking forever to disapate lol...well good technically I don't want it to yet lmao, it feels good to love someone with a full heart except for the fact they ain't here 😔

I love genuinely & with a full heart, ive never had a problem with love, except for my abusive mother I sought approval for....never have I been with someone that didnt want it...didn't want me, until him. If someone shows that to me in a relationship it hurts me at the roots, u don't understand how much it brings out that little girl that just wants to be loved back..to be wanted. It hurts to think im not even worth that. I realize though that he may have his own issues to get past first b4 he can learn to give it back & its not my fault. I should on some things honestly but I don't blame him..not anymore. I blame my own trauma that made me so fucking sensitive & off-putting to him, going from 1 relationship to another without healing first, & not knowing how to function walking on eggshells around a new person trying not to piss them off...not knowing how to do a fresh relationship from the start again....when you've been with 1 person prior for 7 yrs.

I grew up being beaten as a kid, I have no father, my mother chose drugs over her own children, everybody in my family arent like a hallmark card far from it...its fucking tucson ok it's a hell hole. A good amount are notorious for causing trouble around the city, nobody talks to eachother..stays away & fends for themselves, or just killing themselves with drugs & selfishly hurting people around them. Very few of us are really trying to make it out & create life for ourselves but it's really hard to escape because we're all struggling. I cry because I've been strong for way too long on my own, I cry when I think im not good enough. Besides some relationships & friendships along the way for support guess who's always taken care of herself to survive, yours truly. It's a huge accomplishment that I've never been homeless, only a couple times have I had to rely on a friend or family member for a roof over my head & that was just 2020-2021,boy is it good to have connections during a pandemic phew, alot more tough to find someone willing to help. My big sis Lisa, my mentor assigned to me at 12 yrs old cuz my mom couldn't be a real parent lol...she says im a strong princess thats gone through hell & back, she's seen me do it countless times, she can attest to how much of a boss & survivor I am...she knows I deserve nothing but to be appreciated,respected, valued. I'm underestimated all the time because apparently people think they can read what kinda person I am just by looking at me or by word of mouth, hell no very doubtful screw u lol... i don't need anybody's belittling opinions of what kind of person I am ok, how about talk to me & ill see if u in the ballpark lol cuz I guarantee im a boss ass goody 2 shoes that can kick butt 😊. So listen here, I know my worth & I deserve a prince to keep me safe from the big bad world right? I need an actual shoulder to cry on not someone that'll walk away when I need them most 😔 Why tf do I feel like rapunzel & all I get is fuckin Flynn 😂 I'm a queen ok, hear me now.

This will be my 3rd own rented apartment. The 1st time I was a teen & imancipated...had that place for a few years 1st & 2nd love era, 2nd time was the escape from my mother as an adult & I moved away eventually got married. And now at another turning point in my life... escaping a very different hell & losing pretty much everything including the man that started it all, 3rd time is the charm right. Fuck my life sidewinder style. Honestly this is the best apartment complex I've found that I want as my home....its gated nothing can touch me from outside unless I say so, so at least im secure to a point.

Why am I talking and not sleeping 😐 I'm tired, it's 5am now. Yeaaaaa I'm done 💤

[pokefanbri]

Im still fucking fighting, i keep telling myself im not gonna let go & Fuck everyone else who thinks I should. But sometimes there's the opposite, im just lost & idk what to do....hes not gonna come back...so why should I bother to keep fighting 😔 If someone asks me...

Are they worth it? Absolutely. Because theres always room for improvement & growth, & we've been doing that apart for ourselves now for 7months. Did they give u the respect and attention u deserved? Are we not more valuable than that? Hell no & hell yes lol. Look I was happy just doing that for him but yea when it came to me honestly it was like nah im good 😒 & i know how fucked up it is that id go along with his selfishness but I did. I did deserve better & he knows I did... i just didnt wanna lose him & did anything he needed me for... but I ended up losing him anyway 😔 theres a reason why u work on that kinda shit & grow together as you go so everyone is happy, its fair to say we both lost sight...I was eager to learn everything about him cuz I wanted to be closer...but I was blocked out & pushed away, he wouldn't open up & talk to me or show feelings for anything, even of me when he used to all the time...like he was scared of being too attached or didnt want to get hurt..he didnt trust me or was afraid to show his true self or show any emotion that'd be viewed as weak due to the typical be a man complex. Idk I was confused & didnt know what was needed to help fix things so yea i walked on eggshells & me showing affection of my own free will was out of the question most of the time...I couldn't touch him unless he wanted me to & rare occurrences for my own satisfaction. Its the reason why I cried all the damn time, I felt avoided & unwanted because my own attention lacked pretty badly. How tf do I love a fucknugget bobblehead like that lmao, cuz I dont give 2 flying fucks he was my man ok! & being close enough to him made me happy enough I guess, I still looked at him like he was my world even if I wanted to slap him for making me feel so lonely at the same time. I admit his needs came b4 mine, he liked it more that way & I took care of him more than I did myself. But if he had more effort to take care of my needs in turn & I were happier than I was, & us happy at the same time, then maybe I wouldn't be so hard on myself...cry all the time & smoke like a chimney 🙁

I still don't fully understand why he held back, communicating with me on a deeper level is supposed to be natural & pretty much all normal couples show an appropriate amount of affection & understanding to eachother....but it was kept burried...was he afraid id hate him, judge him, make fun? No, id love him even more! Idc how dark he may think he is or whatever past bs he's gone through or even if he was lying about anything...its okay it can't hurt u anymore dear & we can overcome it just tell me what it is thats lacking & let's fix this. Id say "sit down babe, tell me everything, whats on your mind, what can I do to help 😊" & id give him the most gentle kiss on the forehead. I'd do anything to see a smile from that face & it makes me smile too. I want to help him, he needs somebody to hold just as much as I do cuz the fact of the matter is babe, he's just as broken as I am, we both need someone to put back our pieces & become whole again...after we try doing it solo it can only go so far b4 u want that physical presence of another again to help u more so. He keeps everything bottled up & especially didnt let me see what was happening to him I had no clue, if he didnt like talking to anyone he at least had me but still kept me away from him, whatever it was festered in him & he changed his whole demeanor toward me, he became colder & shut me out for good 😔 Making me feel even more unwanted. We didnt help eachother through our problems & I really wanted to, I wanted to save us for the longest time way b4 the end. Idk maybe if he put in as much effort & we knew how to function better together instead of a Corolla with just 2 wheels then we'd probably be fine...& our suspension wouldn't be dragging on the asphalt 😂 Its not all on him for fault, I take equal amount of responsibility, we failed eachother, we didn't know wtf we were doing & 9/10 it was just friends with benefits with only 1 of us in love & attached, & the other not really caring with side pieces to chat with 🤷‍♀️

U know what 🤬 They're right, he's right, & now I'm actually starting to accept it the more I write. Maybe just maybe,HE DOESN'T DESERVE ME AT ALL. Im still upset and frustrated. To answer the question again from earlier no maybe he's not worth it. I suffered through his bs and 10fold heartbreak afterward!! If he can't own up, right his wrongs & bring us both peace then no he's not worth suffering for afterall, and ive been loving the wrong soul this whole damn time 😣 He kicked me to the curb cuz he a fucking coward! He cant admit his wrongdoings, ask for forgiveness, say im sorry or actually put the tiniest bit of effort into a relationship to make it work, but instead disposes of me so he wouldn't have to confront any of it & just continue on like nothing happened are fucking kidding me!!?? I thought u were smarter than this, its beneath you to just run away & pretend I never mattered to you when we both know I did!!!....& im crying again. Im still feeling the betrayal apparently, ill never be able to trust him fully again anyway, let alone other men now. I dont hate you, I love you very much. But I hate the evil from you that you've shown me. I should've known honestly, I was naive to see all types of disrespect but this was the worst part. I still love him but i do deserve better than that & I hope he's changed his ways. Trust a guy with a high track record of ladies & a handful of em in their hand..what u think 🤔 can trust be gained back? Can I get over the bad uncalled for lying shit he's said about me to other women to make himself look better? Idk 🤷‍♀️ I haven't been able to rest without closure for so long, but enough is enough im making my own. You're absolutely right, you'd just manipulate me further, I thought maybe we could be better than before...round 2 at some point in the future...but maybe we're not salvageable after all. Thats up to u, I did everything I could, but now if u were to ever come back idk if I'd jump into your arms or slam the door in your face, I just dont know. Its better that I try never speaking of u again, or think of you for as long as I can so that I can heal better....cuz loving you even after the fact is tearing me apart & making me lose focus on what matters more, myself. I fought valiantly as long as I could, 7 months is a long time to not shut up about u lol.. maybe you've been hearing me I wouldn't know. I have to force it or ill never be able to, ill still silently grieve but as much as it hurts, Its time. U were my rock, an asshole but a good one, the best gamer I got to know, a boss at alot of things, with the cutest lil butt, & somehow the love of my life. Other than maybe something valentines or anniv related in Feb ofcourse....Ur getting what u wanted, I have to do whats best for me now, I have to let u go. I held on for so long but Im really tired & emotionally drained, im just torturing myself when i need to stop, im defeated, nobody won anything, everyone got hurt in 2020 why should our relationship be any different, id say we gave it our all be we both know we didnt. This hurts me so much to do, like my heart is breaking again. Bye babe, I love you with all my heart. 💋💞 💟

I tried to do what I could but if he left, I just gotta try to move on. If I take him back, I gotta consider how that's gonna look like & if I really got past the damage he did....obviously theres some I still haven't 😔 Its what im telling myself while trying to move past this. Others going through the same...We're in love and they ain't. We can't control their actions but we can control our actions. Im not a toxic person..only to myself, I love with all my heart, nobody bothers to understand...they just judge