nineteen
pairing choi soobin x f!reader
word count 7.2k
genres fluffïčangst
warnings mature language as per usual, strangers to friends to lovers to strangers? again?, right person wrong time, existential crises, insecurity, best friend!beomgyu, best friend!yeonjun, this one random dude being an asshole for no reason and not knowing when no means no, reader is so Painfully in love and cant do anything about it, this is self indulgent and a lot of it stemmed from my own personal feelings, let me know if i missed anything!!
summary you met choi soobin one fateful summer when you were nineteen and then he became the one that got away.
more HI HEY SO this was my contribution for soobinâs birthday <3 i know itâs a little over a day late, but i wasnât just not gonna post it, especially bc iâm so proud of it and how it took me 5ish days to pump out. ALSO ??? I HIT 700 ??? THANK U GUYS SO MUCH!!! iâm literally crying into my pillow right now iâm so grateful u have no idea. not only is this a birthday gift for binnie, itâs also a gift to u guys for following me and consuming my content 𫶠and a huge shout out to @lvandrmoonâ my pookie bear luna for betaâing and helping me edit cause i needed a fresh set of eyes <<<<3
playlist nineteen â pinkpantheress, ivy â frank ocean, hurt â newjeans, august â taylor swift, passion â pinkpantheress, summers over interlude â drake
Being nineteen was weird.
You werenât exactly an adult, but you werenât a teenager anymore. You werenât allowed to make mistakes because you were told you should know better at this point. You couldnât make decisions for yourself yet, because you âwerenât mature enoughâ to do so.
You were extremely naive, but also extremely cautious. You hated everyone, but wanted them all to like you. You were a perfectionist, but couldnât give less of a fuck about anything at the same time. You kept contradicting everything about yourself and couldnât do much about it because that seemed to be what being nineteen was all about.
It was this state of purgatory in a sense. You werenât in heaven, but you werenât in hell. You were in the middle ground, forced to reconcile with yourself until you couldnât take it anymore.
At least thatâs how it was until you met Soobin.
It's been a few years but you still remember your relationship like it was yesterday. You like to think itâs because you wonât find someone half as decent as him ever again. Youâd never meet someone who was as kind or caring, someone who appreciated you for you â despite the growing emptiness that filled your chest with being the unbearable age of nineteen.
It was the summer following your first year in university. Youâd underestimated just how much harder the workload would be and just how tired you constantly felt after late nights staying up to meet deadlines for papers and various other assignments. Sure, you had more freedom than high school, but at what cost?
The drive back home to the small beachside town you grew up in was gruesome. Passing all the thirty story high buildings and scenic views made you miss the city as soon as you left, though living in such a bustling urban area was more stressful than anything.
You half hoped your parents would be over the moon with joy when you arrived, but even they seemed drained by the months that preceded. You hauled your bags back into your childhood bedroom, the one that looked exactly the same way you left it in December â when you visited for Christmas break. This time it felt a bit more muggy thanks to the humid air blown in from the ocean.
You drop your things on the floor with a huff, tossing yourself backwards onto the twin sized mattress. The ceiling appeared more and more interesting the older you got, for a reason you donât think you could ever comprehend (not that you really wanted to anyway).
The only plus about living next to the water, was sneaking out at night to sit on the beach alone with your thoughts. You didnât do it much before moving out, mostly out of fear that youâd get kidnapped, but now that said thoughts had multiplied and you were older, the idea seemed appealing. In Seoul, you would just go to the Han river. It wasnât as therapeutic considering there were usually other people around and the sound of cars honking was a bit distracting, but it was sufficient.
âY/n! Come out here! Someoneâs here to see you!â
You shut your eyes tightly, praying if you ignored your mother, she would just go away. Sleep was calling your name after driving five hours by yourself. Maybe you could just â
âLiving in the big city changed you so much you couldnât bother to leave your room to say hi?â
The voice speaking has you springing up and pouncing on the owner, wrapping him in a bone crushing hug (that is, if you were strong enough to crush bones). He laughs that obnoxious, yet endearing laugh of his, patting the top of your head as he pulls away.
âBeomgyu! Fucker, why didnât you text that you were coming by?â You slap his arm playfully and he feigns injury, holding the spot like youâd hit him with a hammer.
âWanted to surprise you, âfuckerâ,â this time he giggles rather than cackles. âSeoul really did change you, wow. I thought youâd be boring Y/n forever. I was starting to get worried, honestly.â
âShut up,â you snort. âSeriously, I missed you asshat. Youâre the only person who understands my love for garlic bread.â
âYouâre so unserious.â
âRich coming from you.â
Your mother and Beomgyuâs had been best friends since high school, so it was only fitting that when they had the two of you, by association, you were also best friends. Gyu had two older brothers, so had your parents gotten down to business any earlier, there was a chance you couldâve been platonic soulmates with one of them. Knowing that makes you grateful to whatever higher being is out there. His brothers werenât anywhere near as funny as he was and you couldnât imagine not having permanent comedic relief by your side. Especially with the rough push and pull of life now that you no longer live a ten minute walk away from one another.
Things really used to be so much simpler.
It was four in the morning before you knew it and you were wide awake. Once again your ceiling had successfully garnered your attention, lit by the moon slipping through the curtain on your window. You could hear the ticking of the alarm clock on your bedside table and the crashing waves of the ocean simultaneously. Though one was significantly louder than the other, it was the quieter of the sounds that made you want to rip your hair out. You were fortunate that your room was on the first floor, while everyone else was on the second.
With a tiny grunt, you open your bedroom window and hop out. Youâre wearing a hoodie and some shorts, a pair of slippers too small for your feet shuffling against the grass of your backyard toward the sand just beyond the fence. You were fully aware that you looked rather insane â rightfully so since you were going to the beach a couple hours before daybreak â but didnât have it in you to care. It wasnât like anyone was going to see you.
That was your mistake. Had you gone any earlier or later, had you not even gone at all, things mightâve turned out differently.
You find the perfect spot to sit where the sand is loose enough that it won't stick to your clothes. Perhaps you did miss home more than you like to let on. There was something comforting and familiar about the beach, about your parents and annoying Beomgyu. About the salty air and the nosy people you grew up around. It was safe.
Thereâs a crunch of a twig behind you and you yelp, whipping around to search for the culprit. Your eyes land on a tall boy with wide eyes, his lips parted in fear. Whether itâs because he wasnât anticipating you being here or he startled himself, youâre not sure. What you are sure of, however, is the fact that youâve never seen this boy in your life.
âH-hi! Sorry for disrupting you⊠Iâll get going nowââ
âWho are you?â You can't help yourself from asking.
His eyebrows knit together in blatant confusion. He probably wasnât expecting that of all the things you could say to him. âOh. Iâmâ uhâ Iâm Soobin. Choi Soobin. And you?â
âY/n,â you answer shortly. âWhat are you doing here, Soobin?â
âI could ask you the same. Itâs pretty late for you to be out by yourself. I could be a serial killer for all you know.â He shoves his hands in the singular pocket of his own hoodie, shrugging up his shoulders as a gust of wind breezes past you. You hold back the scoff that threatens to leave your mouth.
âFor one, not that itâs any of your business, Iâm from here. And two, Iâve lived in the city long enough to know how to take care of myself.â You pull your knees up to your chest, the action causing Soobin to glance down. The corners of his lips curl upwards slightly and you recall the silly slippers you were wearing. A sudden urge to curl into a ball and die right there on the beach washes over you.
âIâm sure you and your bunny slippers are well acquainted with the area, Y/n,â he doesnât stop the smile that forms. âTheyâre cute by the way. Even if they donât quite fit. I love bunnies.â
Your cheeks felt warm and you fist the sleeves of your sweater in your hands. Soobin was attractive. You have never been called cute by an attractive person. Well, technically speaking, he was referring to your slippers.
You wanted the earth to swallow you whole.
âYou never answered my question.â You divert the conversation, lest he realizes what heâs done to you.
âOh, right,â Soobin nods, running a hand through his hair. âMy parents and I are visiting for the summer. They rented out a house a little further up the beach until August. I brought a friend with me but I couldnât sleep and he was already knocked out, so I wanted to do some exploring.â
You hum in response, pursing your lips. âI live in that house right thereâ or, lived, I guess. I go to university in Seoul and Iâm just home for the summer.â
âThatâs cool! What are you studying?â He takes a couple steps closer to you.
âUndecided still. Iâll know when I know,â you pick at the sand below you. âHey, if you and your friend want, me and mine could show you around town. That way you donât kill yourself because of boredom, since yâknow, youâre gonna be here a while.â
Soobin grins. âIâd like that a lot actually.â
âLetâs meet back here later then. Like two-ish?â
âWorks for me. Iâll see you then, Y/n.â He waves, making his way back to his place.
You ignore the giddiness creeping up your face at the thought of seeing him again with better lighting.
⟠â*ïŸ:â*ïŸ:â *â.*:ïœ„ïŸ .: â*ïŸ: .â
If you thought Soobin was attractive in the moonlight, seeing him in the sunlight was a completely different story. He looked almost angelic. The sun behind him created a glow that made him ethereal, like you shouldnât be near him because he was too fragile. Youâve never seen someone so pretty.
âNo bunny slippers this time?â He quirks, though itâs not belittling in the slightest. You feel the blood rush to your face instantaneously.
Beside you, Beomgyu narrows his eyes. You didnât exactly tell him why you were going to the beach, just that you were. The entire minute long walk from your backyard to the spot you met up with Soobin was filled with his incessant nagging. Apparently it was âdire he learned the reason you were dragging him out so soon during the break.â
Instead of letting your voice fail you, you just shake your head no, and his smile widens the tiniest bit. He turns to the slightly shorter guy next to him and holds his arms out like he was giving a presentation. âThis is Yeonjun, by the way. The friend I was telling you about last night.â
This has both Yeonjun and Beomgyu gawking at the two of you. Your best friend grabs you by the sides of your head, squishing your cheeks between his palms. âOkay now I need answers.â
ââAn you âet go oâ ây âaceââ You attempt to say through puckered up lips. His arms fall to his sides, but he doesnât let you off the hook. âThank you. Anyway, Soobin, this is my very stupid friend, Beomgyu. Gyu, this is Soobin. We met last night right here on the beach âcause we both couldnât sleep. Happy?â
âCouldâve done without the stupid part, but yeah. I was just curious how you knew each other when youâve only been back in town for a day.â
âWow, sheâs only been in town a day and youâve already hounded her. No shame, Bin?â Yeonjun snorts ruffling the tallerâs hair teasingly. The way the two interact is endearing.
âFuck off.â
âI like them, Y/n. We should keep them.â Beomgyu nods, as if they were pets rather than people. You roll your eyes, turning to Soobin instead of humoring his antics.
âDo you have any idea of what you want to do first?â
He puts his index finger and thumb under his chin, squinting a bit as he thinks. Yeonjun deadpans at him, pushing him back slightly as he takes a step toward you and Beomgyu. âHeâs the last person to ask. Heâs so indecisive itâs insane. If it were up to him, weâd go back to his parentsâ beach house and watch anime.â
Gyu bursts into uncontrollable laughter, hunching over and holding his stomach. Soobinâs reaction is comical, the way his mouth forms a perfect âoâ shape and his cheeks redden significantly. You canât help the small smile that forces itself on your lips.
âHow about we go visit Beomgyuâs momâs restaurant?â You suggest.
âI couldâve just stayed there instead of meeting you here.â The aforementioned boy groans. Soobin and Yeonjun laugh when you roll your eyes again. As much as you loved your best friend, he was quite honestly the most irritating human being on earth.
When the four of you finally sit at a table at the restaurant, the vibe is considerably more relaxed. It made you happy that the three boys were getting along. While you were grateful to spend the whole summer with Beomgyu before school started back up in the fall, it was nice to add a couple more people to your group. Even if it was just temporary.
âYouâre a disgrace to the human race.â Beomgyu suddenly says, his face covered with both hands (and you ignore the fact that he just coincidentally spit a bar).
âMint chocolate ice cream is fucking delicious, what are you talking about?â Yeonjun defends with a gasp. âPlus Iâm older than you, therefore your opinion is invalid.â
The two keep bickering as if theyâve known each other their whole lives while you and Soobin just watch on the side. You sigh. âI hate boys.â
âWhy have you surrounded yourself with them for the day then?â He laughs, his eyes crinkling up.
You want to die. You want to curl in on yourself right there and melt into the floor. You feel the blunt edges of your nails dig into your palms and you scream internally. You were suffering and God was laughing at you.
Why did Soobin have to be so goddamn cute? He was a complete strangerâ you hadnât known him longer than twenty four hours. However, you found your stomach fluttering with incessant butterflies and knotting up like you were preparing for an elementary school spelling bee. The sound of his laugh was so melodic, only something youâd ever heard in the movies.
Maybe this was the overhyped feeling of having a crush that they talked about in books. Where time stops around the main character and everything moves in slow motion. Where they can hear the birds chirping and feel the sun on their skin. Where the smell and taste of food is ten times better.
You felt frozen, unable to think or even breathe. All you could focus on was the crowâs feet beside Soobinâs eyes and the curve of his pouty lips as he laughed. You canât fall in love. Not with him. Not now.
Well, thatâs what you tried to tell yourself.
⟠â*ïŸ:â*ïŸ:â *â.*:ïœ„ïŸ .: â*ïŸ: .â
Thereâs a light tap at your window a couple weeks later. Itâs faint, and definitely not enough to pull you away from the comfort of your bed. You have your laptop perched on your tummy, a random K-Drama playing to distract your unending exhaustion. It was almost one in the morning and despite feeling drained of emotion, you werenât anywhere near tired.
Itâs nearing the climax of the ninth episode, where the two characters are finally going to admit theyâre irrevocably in love with each other and canât stay away anymore, when the tapping appears again. Itâs more erratic this time, like someoneâs throwing pebbles at the glass. It starts to irk you, so you force yourself up, pulling back the curtain to see whatâs disrupting your personal time.
Instead of getting annoyed, like you initially thought youâd be, you find yourself almost blushing. Soobin stands in your backyard with a handful of tiny shells in his hand, his goofy grin on display when you finally appear at the window. To come across stronger than you were, (he did Not need to know you were a weak woman) you raise an eyebrow in question.
Had you been a good lip reader, you probably wouldâve understood what he was trying to say. Alas, you were not, so you just cock your head to the side until he visibly deflates and drops the shells, beckoning you outside with his hands. One glance down at your choice of attire has you less than willing to run to him. The ratty t-shirt and pajama shorts that havenât fit since middle school werenât as appealing as they were comfortable.
You open your window, leaning out to tell him you were gonna change, but he shakes his head. âCome the way you are. Donât forget the bunny slippers either.â
This does nothing to quell your rapidly beating heartâ in fact, it makes it worse. Why would anyone want to see you so badly in this state? Let alone a boy. You slide on the lounging shoes, hopping out just like youâd done when you met Soobin for the first time not that long ago. You stumble a bit upon landing, which embarrasses you unhealthily because you were on the first floor, and he rushes to catch you so you donât fall on your face.
He doesnât think too far into the closeness between you when he holds your arms, leaning down slightly. His dark hair falls into his wide eyes as he does so and you realize that youâd much rather die a sudden death than catch feelings for Choi Soobin. It has to be less tortuous than this. Your cheeks are unmistakably hotter and you can feel the perspiration forming everywhere.
âWoah there, are you okay?â He asks after steadying you, his grip still on your shoulders just in case.
âNo,â you squeak, and then sputter when he looks alarmed. âI-I mean yes! Iâm fine! Sorry! Thanks for catching me?â
He laughs that Soobin laugh that has you ripping your hair out and sliding down the wall, making the situation so much heavier for you. You stress to yourself for the umpteenth time since the summer has started that you couldnât fall for the tall dork. He was only visiting your hometown and youâd be going back to Seoul anyway. You needed to save yourself the inevitable heartbreak that would come with parting ways at the end of August.
âCâmon, I wanna show you something.â
You swallow thickly when he takes your hand in his, gently pulling you along with him as if heâd rip your arm off otherwise. You follow blindly, unsure if heâs being genuine or if heâs ultimately leading you to your demise. In the back of your mind you think itâs most likely a mix of both outcomes.
âHave you ever heard the myth that lightning makes glass when it strikes the sand?â Soobinâs voice carries over the ocean once youâve reached the beach. You nod in response. âWhile I was walking on the shore, I found this.â
He points at an iridescent bit in the sand and you canât help the gasp that escapes when you see it. Itâs unlike anything youâve ever perceived in your entire nineteen years of existence. You squat to get a closer peek. âItâs so pretty, oh my god!â
Youâre unaware of the way Soobinâs eyes arenât even on the glass when he responds, âSo pretty.â
âWhyâd you wanna show me of all people?â You ask, biting your tongue after youâve already uttered the question. You canât hide the insecurity behind your words. Youâd never been anyoneâs first choice for anything, so why now?
âWhy wouldnât I? Youâre really cool, Y/n,â he furrows his eyebrows like it's the most obvious piece of knowledge in the world. âI like spending time with youâ
You have trouble falling asleep when youâre back in your bed. You toss and turn, Soobinâs words keeping you up. You didnât understand why someone like him could actually enjoy your presence. It wasnât making any sense. You were dull and youâd lost any sort of personality when you went to university. You came back home practically lifeless. At the same time, hanging around Soobin was bringing back your youthfulness. His happiness was so infectious.
You come to a single conclusion that night. You were reaching the point of down bad with no return â and there was nothing you could do about it.
⟠â*ïŸ:â*ïŸ:â *â.*:ïœ„ïŸ .: â*ïŸ: .â
âWhy havenât you told him how you feel, pussy?â Beomgyu pushes you dramatically to mess you up as you play Just Dance on your Nintendo Switch.
âI canât. You know first hand how awful I am with this shit. And itâs not like itâll work out anyways.â you frown, ignoring how upset the statement actually makes you once youâve said it out loud.
âYou literally donât know that. It doesnât hurt to try.â He counters with an eye roll and a scoff. âI know itâs not everyoneâs forte to step out of their comfort zone, but sometimes that's what you have to do to get what you want, Y/n.â
âExcept it does hurt to try, Gyu. What am I gonna do a month from now when we have to separate at the end of the summer? School is too demanding for a relationship, not to mention a long distance one. Iâm just protecting myself in the long run. I can sit through a silly little crush until August.â You sigh, setting down your controller.
Beomgyu cards a hand through his hair and plops beside you on your bed with a huff. âLook, Iâm not saying that itâs gonna be easy and Iâm not saying there isnât a possibility of either of you getting your heart broken. What I am saying is youâre gonna regret not taking that risk months from now when youâre back at your dorm in Seoul, thinking about what you and Soobin could have been. Summer flings happen all the time. Youâre allowed to let yourself be happy, you know.â
You hate when Choi Beomgyu is right.
⟠â*ïŸ:â*ïŸ:â *â.*:ïœ„ïŸ .: â*ïŸ: .â
Beach day with the boys meant you sunbathing on the sand while the Three Stooges goofed around in the water like children. You very much needed the self care, laid out on a beach towel in your bathing suit with a pair of sunglasses on the bridge of your nose and the warm sun on your skin.
You had to keep your distance anyways or else youâd just ogle at Soobinâs bare chest and you were not ready to deal with⊠That.
He finally met your parents the day prior when he came over to ask if you wanted to participate in said beach day. It was the first time he actually used the front door rather than throwing seashells at your bedroom window, which you were grateful for.
*
The ring of your doorbell caught you off guard, especially because neither you or your parents were expecting anyone. You went back to helping your mom with the cookies she was baking and your dad went to answer it. The surprise on your face when Soobin walked into the kitchen, trailing behind your dad like a duckling, was evident when he let out a little laugh at your expression.
âY/n is this a friend of yours? He said he was here looking for you.â Your dad says, crossing his arms over his chest to appear intimidating, though he couldnât hurt a fly.
âUhâ yeahâ mom, dad, this is S- this is Soobin. His family is staying in the house a few down the street for the summer,â you donât know why you were so nervous introducing him to your parents. âWhat are you doing here?â
âYeonjun and I were thinking of having a beach day tomorrow. We already told Beomgyu about it, so Iâm here to ask if youâd like to join us.â He smiles.
âThat sounds fun,â you purse your lips. âSure, I will.â
âGreat!â His smile widens if possible and then your mom shoves cookies in his direction before the moment can manifest.
He stays a little longer, talking to you and your parents like he hadn't left Yeonjun with his own. It kinda scares you how well he fits in with your dynamic, like heâd always been there. He got on with your dad unlike most people and he had your mom giggling like a schoolgirl. It was weird, but you didnât mind it in the slightest.
âI like him, N/n. Heâs so polite,â your mom piqued once he was gone. âAre you really just friends?â
Instead of giving her a vocal answer, you just nodded. Youâre pretty sure it was because deep down you wished you were more.
*
âAre you having fun?â
You push down your sunglasses a bit and find Soobin standing over you, droplets of water dripping from his hair onto your torso. He notices and takes a step back to shake like a dog. Your lips curl upwards at the action.
âYeah, I am actually. Thank you for inviting me.â
âOf course. Iâd never leave you out.â He sits on the towel next to you, bringing his knees to his chest. You push your sunglasses up and place the back of your hand on your forehead. You didnât dare yourself to look over at him, afraid of what might happen to your heart if you did.
âI really appreciate that. And thanks for always including Gyu, too. Weâve been friends since we were in the womb, so it makes me happy that you donât care about us practically being attached at the hip.â You admit with a deep breath through your nose.
âItâs funny how he and Yeonjun argue like theyâre the ones who have been best friends since third grade,â he laughs and it has every bone in your body fighting not to look over at him. âWell, I just wanted to see how you were doing. Iâm gonna head back to the water, âcause it looks like theyâre gonna start fighting for real if I donât intervene.â
You hum and hear him leave, your chest feeling a little lighter than ten seconds prior. You had to do something about this soon, because as much as you emphasized the fact that you could handle this until summer was over, you were starting to realize that you couldnât. And you didnât want to wait until it was too late.
After a few moments, you sit up to stretch, yawning with fatigue. You see a group of boys in the distance and donât think much of it until one of them starts to approach you. He stops right in front of you, crouching so heâs at eye level with you. Heâs attractive, you can say that confidently, but you have no idea who he is.
âHey, Iâm Jeongsu. I havenât seen you around before.â He grins. It doesnât give you the same feeling as when Soobin does it.
âIâm Y/n. Iâm originally from here but I go to school in Seoul. Iâm just visiting home for the break.â You answer politely, though why youâre explaining this to him, you donât know. You want nothing more than to get up and run over to the boys.
âOh sick,â he nods. âListen, I saw you when we passed by about an hour ago and told my friends if you were still here when we walked by again, Iâd ask for your number.â
You blink. There was absolutely no way in hell youâd give your number to a stranger. Even with Soobin, it was a couple weeks after you initially met when you exchanged numbers and socials. âIâm sorry, but I donât know you and I really donât feel comfortable just giving out myââ
âItâs literally not that serious,â he scoffs. âGive me your number, itâs not difficult.â
âNo.â You shake your head.
âYouâre not even that fucking pretty to be so uptight aboutââ
âShe said no, so why are you still bothering her?â
You whip around to see Soobin standing there. For someone who was just a big teddy bear, his height was definitely frightening at that moment. The guy stands up, nowhere near the same amount of threatening. You rush to get behind Soobin, whether for protection or comfort, youâre not sure.
âWho the fuck are you?â Jeongsu asks.
âNone of your goddamn business, now leave Y/n alone or else Iâm gonna stop playing nice.â He seethes, his arm coming to hold you closer to his back.
âWhatever.â
He finally walks away, but your head feels like itâs about to explode. Soobin spins around so fast, grabbing your shoulders and examining your face for any indication that he mightâve hurt you. His eyes carry so much worry and so much care you almost want to burst into tears. When he sees the quiver of your bottom lip, he cups your cheek, his thumb swiping across as he frowns.
âS-Sooââ He interrupts you with a shush and pulls you into him, cooing and hugging you tightly.
âItâs okay, Iâve got you.â
⟠â*ïŸ:â*ïŸ:â *â.*:ïœ„ïŸ .: â*ïŸ: .â
Itâs been a few days since the beach incident and youâve been avoiding Soobin as much as possible.
Sure, you were dying on the inside, but it was safer this way. After knowing what it was like to be so close to him, to be held by him, you couldnât trust your heart not to leap out of the confines of your rib cage.
Beomgyu nagged you to just get over your pride and tell him how you feel, especially because he saved you the way he did, but you just couldnât pluck up the courage to do so. I mean, why wouldnât you be scared? You liked your friendship, you didnât think confessing your growing affection would do anyone any favors.
You already knew that youâd be upset over saying goodbye when you had to go back to school. And that was just because you really liked being friends with him. It was a little more than halfway through July and time felt like it was flying by.
Being nineteen shouldnât have been this hard.
Seashells hitting your window snaps you out of your reverie. You feel a shiver running down your spine, fully aware of who was trying to get your attention. There was only one person who did that. The one person you were purposely staying away from.
Your phone starts ringing and you bite your lip, willing it to stop, willing him to give up. Except it doesnât and he doesnât. He calls you again and again, making you give in and answer.
âSoobin, please stopââ
âY/n, talk to me. Iâm going crazy here. Just tell me what I did and Iâll leave you alone forever.â He pleads.
You open your curtain with exasperation and speak in a wavering tone. âThatâs the fucking problem, Soobin. I donât want you to leave, ever. Iâm driving myself insane because all I can think about is you, day and night. You wonât get out of my head and as much as I want to hate it I canât, âcause itâs you.â
His lips part in shock and he pulls his phone away from his ear. You realize that youâve said it. Youâve spoken it out into the world and you canât take it back because he knows how you feel now. You gulp.
âCome outside. Please.â He says, not into the receiver, but youâve gotten better at lip reading because of him.
You go out through the front door because this isnât any ordinary meet up, and you donât want to make a fool of yourself falling out of the window again. You go around the house to find him still standing in your yard, waiting for you.
âDonât look at me like that, it doesnât help.â You whine like a child, covering your eyes.
âDo you think itâs easy for me? God, Y/n, I feel so fucking delusional when youâre near me. Iâm surrounded by girls back home and not one of them excites me the way you do. Youâre funny and youâre awkward and you donât try to be someone else with me. Iâve never felt like this about anyone before and it terrifies me, but at the same time I canât bring myself to be mad about itâ âcause like you said, âitâs youâ.â He breathes, his words desperate. You choke back tears and step closer to him.
âWhat are we gonna do when we have to leave each other next month? I donât wanna fall deeper in love with you just to go back to Seoul with a broken heart.â
âWhat did you expect to happen if you didnât say anything?â He sighs. âI didnât speak up solely because I didnât know how you felt and I didnât want you to feel uncomfortable if I did. But now that I know, I canât just pretend that I donât. I want to show you off as my own, Y/n. I want to hug you and kiss you and sneak out onto the beach every night with you.â
âThen kiss me.â You blurt.
Soobin doesnât waste any time closing the gap between you, connecting his lips with yours in a slow, passionate kiss. Itâs soft and sweet, exactly like youâd imagined a kiss with Soobin would be. He grasps your cheeks in his palms and gently tips your head up to deepen it. You run your fingers through his dark hair, tugging it at the nape of his neck.
Your skin feels like itâs on fire, but cooled to the touch simultaneously. Sparks shoot out everywhere and itâs the perfect kiss that you dreamt your first kiss would be like. Heâs perfect. Youâre perfect together. For now, anyway.
Youâd worry about dealing with everything else later. What you needed to do was savor this moment forever. It was like something out of a fairytale, or a novel. You felt like you were on cloud nine and nothing could bring you down from your high.
Things would be different a month from now, but you didnât seem to care right then and there, like you had up until this point. Your only concern was keeping Soobin in front of you as long as you could, kissing him until you were breathless and swollen-lipped. You deserved a happy ending for once.
⟠â*ïŸ:â*ïŸ:â *â.*:ïœ„ïŸ .: â*ïŸ: .â
âY/n, do you think you could run out and get some coffee? Iâm running on like three hours of sleep.â Your cubicle partner asks, pouting with puppy dog eyes to seal the deal. You laugh at her and nod.
âYeah, sure. The usual?â You ask and she smiles widely, sending you a thumbs up. âIâll be back.â
Itâs a chilly December morning, your coat only doing a half decent job at keeping you warm. It serves more as a fashion statement than it does a jacket. The coffee shop you found yourself at most mornings and late nights when you and your partner stayed overtime wasnât very far, a ten minute walk tops, but the heeled boots you chose to wear today werenât the most comfortable pair.
The streets of downtown Seoul are busy, to say the least. From what you could tell, it was mostly people rushing to get to work. This was a huge advantage for you because it meant the line at the coffee shop would be short. Your feet carry you further down the street until youâre in front of it, pushing open the door to enter the coziness of the cafe.
The change in temperature has you shivering, even after a couple have passed since the ring of the bell above the entrance went off. The menu behind the register is just a giant chalkboard with everything they have to offer plus daily specials. The date at the top has you tilting your head to the side. December 5th.
There was some significance to this day, but you couldnât quite put your finger on it. You shake away the thought before it could consume you and then realize itâs your turn to order. You step to the side to wait for your drinks next to the cart with creams, sugars, stirrers, and napkins, crossing and rubbing your arms to heat yourself up.
Today feels slightly off and you canât figure out what it is, from the date on the menu to the weird feeling in the pit of your stomach since you woke up. Then you hear a familiar name called.
âAn iced americano and two white hot chocolates for Yeonjun!â
You glance up just in time to see the older male taking the drink carrier off of the counter, making his way over to where youâre standing, presumably to get some stoppers. He halts when he makes eye contact with you, nearly dropping the whole precarious thing of paperboard. His full lips part in surprise and when he registers that he hasnât moved an inch, he sets the carrier down on the cart.
âY/n? Are my eyes playing tricks on me right now?â Yeonjun all but gasps.
âThe one and only,â you laugh nervously. âHow have you been, Jun?â
âNot bad, not bad. Yourself? Itâs been what, three years? You look well.â
âIâm good, thanks. Iâm an editor for a magazine. I work just up the street actually. And yeah, itâs been a while. Howâsâ?â Youâre about to ask a question you thought youâd never utter ever again. The name sitting on the tip of your tongue hasnât been said out loud in so long, it almost feels foreign. But, then youâre interrupted by its owner.
âYeonjun, whatâs taking so long? I heard them call your name like five minutes ago.â The taller boy groans impatiently, his words dying out when he notices you. It looks like heâs seen a ghost with the way the color drains from his face. And it finally clicks.
âStop it, that tickles.â You giggle, burying your face into your pillow as Soobin presses kisses to your neck and behind your ear.
âI can't help it. Youâre just so cute, I always wanna kiss you.â He laughs, brushing your hair from your face. You turn in his arms so youâre facing him now.
âHey, I have a question.â You say, playing with the hem of his t-shirt. He nods for you to continue. âI donât think I ever asked, but whenâs your birthday. That way I know when to send you a giftâ even if we arenât together anymore.â
Soobin frowns and pecks your lips. âDonât say that. We can make this work.â
âYou donât know that, Bin. We canât make promises we canât keep.â You shut your eyes tightly, leaning into his palm. As much as youâd love to be together for the rest of your lives, you couldnât stay in high hopes.
âDecember 5th, thatâs my birthday,â he says after a minute of silence following your pessimistic comment. âBut Iâm thinking of visiting you for Christmas, whether that be in Seoul or here. So you can just give it to me then.â
You hum instead of responding, too tired to start an argument over the fact that you arenât 100% sure youâll even be in contact that far from now. He was hell-bent on the two of you lasting that long. But you wanted to be realistic and just indulge in the moment.
The two of you broke up that October. School was too demanding and the distance was getting to both of you. You agreed to stay friends on the off chance you would reunite again one dayâ holding onto the possibility that this was just a right person, wrong time type of situation.
True to your word, you sent him a birthday gift. Youâre not sure if he ever got it, because you drifted apart weeks after ending your relationship. You supposed you shouldâve seen it coming, especially after you warned yourself constantly that it would happen.
So you swore that youâd never fall in love again, unless they were the one.
Today was Choi Soobinâs birthday.
The Choi Soobin that you fell in love with that one fateful summer when you were nineteen. The Choi Soobin that flipped your entire perspective about yourself in one month than anyone else did in years. The Choi Soobin that youâd sneak onto the beach with at god-awful hours of the night, talking about nothing and everything all at once. The Choi Soobin that your parents adored, despite thinking you needed to focus on studies rather than a boy. The Choi Soobin that got away, even when he tried to assure you heâd stay.
Staring back at him now felt illegal. You felt like you were committing a sin by looking into those chocolate brown eyes that bear so many memories. Your chest is heavy all of a sudden and the room is closing in on you. Itâs just you and Soobin, in the middle of this coffee shop. Your tunnel vision focuses on him only.
âY/n.â He breathes, like heâs scared.
âSââ
Just like before, you donât get to say his name, someone cutting in and stopping you. âSince when did it take two people to get three drinks? I donât wanna be late for work.â The girl is pretty, youâll admit. She has fair skin and silky black hair, leagues away from you. She blinks at you and switches her gaze from between the boys and you. Her tone is not at all snippy when she asks, âWhoâs this?â
âRightâ uh, this is Y/n. An old friend,â Yeonjun answers, as if you couldnât speak for yourself. (You probably couldnât.) âY/n, this is Minjeong, Soobinâsâ umâ Soobinâs girlfriend.â
Oh.
You couldâve blamed the universe for dangling him in your face and then yanking him back after you finally began to get over it, but you didnât. It was a sign that you were never able to fully say his name. Moving on was best. No matter how often you wished you were nineteen and in love back at home again. No matter how often youâre reminded that youâre more confident in yourself because of him. No matter how often you missed those late nights on the beach, glued to one another.
So this time, youâre the one that gets away.
âAn iced americano and a caramel macchiato for Y/n!â
âIt was good seeing you guys, and nice to meet you, Minjeong,â you rush out with a forced smile, flicking your eyes to Soobin. âHeâs a keeper.â
You wave to the trio and go to retrieve your coffees, walking out of the cafe and not looking back, afraid that if you do, youâll fall in love with Choi Soobin all over again. Exactly like you did when you were nineteen.
© yeonjunszn. do not steal, claim, or repost.
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pairing: choi soobin x f!reader
word count: 1.6k
genre: fluff/angst
warnings: mature language, non-idol!au, soulmate!au, mentions of a royal!au, themes of reincarnation/in another life concept, major character death, strangers to lovers if you squint i guess
summary: in this life, the next, and every one after that, he is tied to you.
â the title is the kanji for ito, which means thread in japanese. therefore, recommend listening to ito by txt while reading this đ
â thank u sm for 50 followers iâm gonna sob i gained so many of u in like 2 weeks <3
soobin had always felt a weird sort of dread whenever he walked somewhere during springtime.
it wasnât bad, per se, it was just odd. he couldnât quite explain it or pinpoint it. but every single time he set foot outside of his apartment complex, it was like the cherry blossoms and the wind whisking away the petals were taunting him.
he pauses on the sidewalk, catching one of the powdery pink wilts between his thumb and index finger, rubbing them together. almost instantly, the petal disintegrates with his touch. he stares at the residue left behind on his skin with mild interest, shrugging and then continuing his stroll. he felt a little bit better at least.
he never has any idea where heâs going, his feet carrying him aimlessly until he grows tired and decides to go back home. however, today seemed different. the air around him was heavier, thicker with something he couldnât decipher.
his eyes are trained on the cerulean sky and glaring white sun in the center of it, only one or two clouds floating along. this was the first day in weeks that it hadnât rained, hence the reason soobin chose to go out. it was warm but cool, an oxymoron he found kind of funny.
with his mind focused on the weather, he doesnât notice you practically barreling towards him. to be fair, you donât see him either, your gaze glued to your phone screen.
the impact is instantaneous.
you crash right into poor unsuspecting soobin, knocking him into the grass. your eyes happen to lock for a split second before your heads bump each other with so much force, it effectively blacks out your vision.
the crisp breeze entering the window sends a chill down soobinâs spine. it may have been almost the end of spring, but the sun was setting so the temperature outside was dropping. he turns to you with a sad smile adorning his lips.
âitâs okay, my dear, i know.â you whisper, your body not allowing much more.
âi do not understand why you still want me to keep this window open when you are cold enough as it is,â he sighs, sitting at the foot of your bed, taking your icy hand into his own. âyou are beginning to be reckless with your condition.â
âsoobin, my love,â you wince at the strain in your voice. âi only have so long until it is my turn to go. i do not want to regret anything. i want to pass on knowing i was not holed away in this bedroom doing nothing. i do not desire for my memory to be but just an indention in these sheets.â
saying that much at once was not good for your health, but you couldnât let him feel so gloomy all the time. even with the inevitable that was impending. this was your problem, yet it felt like he was carrying all of the burdens on his own. he was trying to make you as comfortable as possible.
the brave front was all an act. he was absolutely terrified.
slowly but surely, he could tell that his sanity was slipping through the cracks. the thought of waking up one morning, any day now, and your shallow breaths wouldnât be fanning the nape of his neck, pierced his heart. a pain so deep inside of him was gnawing, ripping at the seams he attempted to stitch together for you.
âi promise you, in this life, the next, and every one after that, i am tied to you. no matter how near or far we may be, we will always find our way back to one another. forever and ever, eternally, i am yours.â soobin states, both fear and adoration swimming in his eyes. his grip is gentle, but it tightens just a bit, like heâs afraid youâll disappear as soon as he lets go. and itâs sad that his worries arenât unjustified.
you stare at him for a minute, drinking in the man you have to say goodbye to. the man youâve been in love with for as long as you can recall. his black hair is disheveled from the amount of times heâs carded his fingers through the strands out of pure frustration. his dark circles would have anyone assuming he was the one on his deathbed. nonetheless, in the flickering light of the candle on your bedside table, you still think heâs as devastatingly handsome as the day you met him.
your lips curl upward at the feel of his own pressed softly at the corner of your mouth. you squeeze his hand and give him a weak nod.
a week later is when your eyes closed for the last time.
soobin had been preparing for the moment for months. heâd told himself at least once a day that you would be gone soon and he needed to adjust to a life without you. when it actually happened, though, he honestly thought heâd been stabbed in the chest repeatedly and the offender was twisting the blade into the wound.
how does one even fathom such a loss? he loved you more than the stars loved the sky. he wouldâve torn the entire kingdom to shreds had you asked him to. and now he was expected to continue like you werenât the only person who he revolved his world around. like all the kisses and blissful memories were figments of his imagination.
it takes him four whole days to stop crying. it takes another for him to speak a sentence. it adds up to a grand total of seventeen days until heâs able to stand before his subjects.
âa fortnight and three days ago, the queen passed away peacefully, in the comfort of her bed. her suffering is no longer, but that does not mean she is. she is still living within all of you, the women who aspired to be like her and the children who looked up to her, the men who wished to court her in her youth, in each brick and stone of the castle. she left her mark in your hearts, much like she did in my own. so please, never forget her, for she is the one who filled this kingdom with warmth during the chilliest of winters and coolness in the heat of the summer.â
maybe the only thing you left behind for him physically was a white thread from the blanket you didnât dare part with, but youâd left so much more for him emotionally. and that thread was one that couldnât be severed.
soobin sits up alarmingly fast, his eyes wide with confusion and what looks to be a little bit of anxiety. the energy he exerts provokes a sharp pain on his forehead. he holds the heel of his palm to the area with a groan.
what the fuck?
what the fuck!?
he glances to his right, watching as you come to seconds after him. your reaction is pretty similar to his, save for the loud squeak you let out when you make eye contact. âthis has to be some fucked up coincidence,â he thinks to himself. the dream he just had was scary.
scratch that. it was horrifying.
you were an uncanny resemblance of the woman he saw himself with in it. you had the same bone structure, same facial features, you even had the same sparkle in your eye. to say he was freaking the hell out, was the biggest understatement of the year. he thought he was going clinically insane.
you werenât doing much better either. because, what! this guy you accidentally bulldozed into has the exact same appearance as the ravenette hottie youâve been seeing in your dreams every night. other than his hair being an electric blue, he was a carbon copy. you would recognize those plush lips anywhere.
âa-are you okay?â your voice emerges from somewhere. you donât know how you were able to get those words out without passing out, but we all have our achievements. âi bumped into youâ likeâ really fucking hard.â
âuhâ yeah? i think so? my head just hurts kinda, but iâll live. what about you?â soobin asks in return, pushing down his nerves.
âiâm good, too. iâm so sorry by the way, i wasnât paying attention to my surroundingsâ oh my godâŠâ you nearly yank your hair out when you realize how late you are to lunch. âi was supposed to meet some friends, but iâm way too late now.â
âi couldâve been more aware, donât put all the blame on yourself,â he gives you a half smile. you were really pretty wow. why was he just noticing? âi couldâ uhâ we could go grab some food to make up for it?â
you feel your face flush. there was no way this was happening. but you were gonna take advantage of it anyway. itâs not every day you get the chance to go on a date with someone as attractive as him. âiâd like that!â
he stands from the patch of grass the two of you had been sitting on, lending you his hand to pull you up. because the universe felt extra gracious today, it forces you both to say your names at the same time.
and if that wasnât enough to send you reeling, the identical, single white threads dangling from the hem of your sweater and the sleeve of his jacket had you and soobin rendered speechless.
i promise you, in this life, the next, and every one after that, i am tied to you. no matter how near or far we may be, we will always find our way back to one another. forever and ever, eternally, i am yours.
© yeonjunszn. do not steal, claim, or repost.
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