#cut myself off from my friends

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

ok no im so tired but ive had this Thing a Laughingstock Concept Thing in my Brain for Days Now and its.... basically what if Barnaby adopted a lil caterpillar. like it's not sapient or anything its literally A Wriggly Puppet Prop. but he finds it in his home and it reminds him of Howdy and he keeps it. he carries it everywhere. he treats it so tenderly and names it and everything. his delusional smitten subconscious is like "omg... mine & howdy's <3" he and Howdy are not even together at this point

so Barnaby cares for this lil caterpillar and Howdy ends up getting attached as well, because he's on the same shit as Barnaby. and eventually the lil caterpillar pupates, and they watch over the chrysalis So Excited to see what lil wormie will look like as a butterfly. and it emerges and they're so proud and weirdly emotional. the butterfly takes off on its first flight and lands on a flower patch

just in time for Eddie to trip and fall on the patch, instantly crushing it And the butterfly

#in my mind eddie is all 'oh man :( thank goodness frank wasnt around to see that' and then goes about his business #completely missing howdy & barnaby watching on In Horror off to the side #not lil wormie... no.... #also in my mind lil wormie looks like the fuckn. Adorable worm from sesame street #oscars little friend i think? the cutest little thing in the world? the little red wormie? yeah.... #but im feeling very Tender about bigass dog barnaby toting around this teensie weensie lil worm thing #treating it with utmost care and affection #big characters caring for absolutely tiny thing kills me every fucking time #bury me shallow... ill be back to die again.... #absolutely unprompted #laughingstock #ohhhh my god im not even gonna say how i almost butchered the laughingstock tag #sometimes i type letters in the wrong order or add an extra one. that would have been so unfortunate but Deeply Hilarious #ANYWAY LIL WORMIE IS AN ESTABLISHED THING IN MY MIND AND I DONT KNOW WHY #maybe... maybe tomorrow i will scribble it... #also to be clear the events of this post all happen within a week or two. #it is a brief shining Worm Time #ok going to bed now officially. im going #wait no i have to complain about something ive done to myself hold on #so i really like reeses puffs cereal yeah? but the problem is it cuts up my mouth to hell and back and makes eating anything a Pain #tried to eat sauerkraut tonight... it burned... the roof of my mouth is so scraped up... #i Will be eating another bowl when i wake up tho. its too tasty. i can take the annoyance that is minor pain. i have a high tolerance <3 #can i easily Not eat it? yeah. but i dont want to stop. nothing will stop me. its a jumbo box. i Will Finish It. #anyway wormie <3 gonna go think about her <3

[novelconcepts]

more and more it's feeling like we just...don't have room for people trying anymore. it's all or nothing; get it right the first time, or be crucified by a jury you can never fully see or convince. and this isn't new, isn't born of current events. it's become more and more prevalent over the last ten years thanks to social media putting every little thought on blast, but i'd put money on the idea that it's actually been brewing much longer than that. and, for me, it goes beyond being tiring or upsetting. it feels bleak. it feels downright fucking broken that we're all so busy trying not to condone anything remotely problematic that we don't leave room for good faith learning. watching people trying to suss out their own identity--something literally ONLY they can fully understand or explain--be vilified for trying to fit words around their own experience sucks. watching people misunderstand something and try to apologize for it later, only to be told they should have known all along, sucks. seeing people who once held truly toxic beliefs actually grow and learn and apologize and still be told to fuck themselves as if they're a lost cause--it sucks. just. does that not fill you with despair for the state of things? does that not break something in you, to think that if you one day don't understand something, or misuse a word, or grapple with complicated feelings, it will forever stain you in the eyes of perfect strangers?

dude the world is fucked, and we all see it, but like. it doesn't feel like it helps to be so goddamn reactive. it doesn't feel like it helps anyone to demand perfection out the gate. it's exhausting. there are enough people out there who don't want to learn, who aren't trying, who actively revel in cruelty. looking for malice in every little fuck-up from people who seem to be genuinely striving to live their lives with kindness strikes me as lending strength to an army that already glories in suffering. and makes the world look more fucked than ever. and i really don't know that that energy is what we need when there's already so much to set right.

maybe it's just me. maybe this last decade just shattered something in me. but i really, really hate the idea--reject the idea, frankly--that people can't learn and change and grow. that people can't be better than a bad day or a failure of understanding. i reject the idea that people are something to be thrown out because they fucked up. it just seems...yeah. bleak. really fuckin' bleak.

#personal #i dunno dude #this is that fighting energy from earlier. found some actual words for it i guess #but i'm just so tired #shit's fucked. some shit's complicated. and some isn't--some feels incredibly straightforward to me. #and to the next person maybe there's more nuance. it's all so fucking...there's so much to process all the time #and i catch myself in knee-jerk mode #i catch myself writing people off. making lists in my head. sometimes it's just purely a matter of safety #but god the things i'd give for some of those people to come back into my world #to learn. to grow. to apologize. to decide they value kindness and life over brainwashed beliefs #i would give so much for those friends back. those family members. those people i knee-jerk wrote off back in 2015 #i shrunk my world down when i cut them out. i shrunk it down when i told them to fuck off instead of having a conversation #i actively made my safety net smaller in the effort to keep myself protected #and i just keep watching other people do similar things #and thinking like. if i could go back. if i wasn't so hot-headed and Certain that evil thoughts make a person evil #or that miseducation or ignorance or straight-up brainwashing broke a person for good #maybe it would all be different now than it was for my 25-year-old self #i just. i don't fucking know. #people are trying. people need to KEEP trying. #and telling them they're shit for NEEDING to try is only ever going to carve out the part of them that wants to be better #the world is fucked. why help fuck it even more. what is the point of that. #and i'm not saying don't call people on their shit. but maybe calling them shouldn't look like telling them to kill themselves #maybe it should involve a little grace #slamming doors just feels like it makes the house smaller. and shuts off exit routes you might need later #and i kinda wish i'd known that in my 20s

[nervocat]

WAITTTTTY YJH PFP AHAH THE ORV BRAINROT IS SETTING IN

congrats!!!!!! i’m vv excited that you like it so far!!!!!! :DDD ….makes me want to bring back my kdj pfp lololol

oh the brainrot set in LOOONGG ago sp.. or at least less then a week ago when I started to read it on Webtoon.... I take every chance I can to read it esp during school 💔💔 I'm nearly on ep 60 in I think 5 or 4 days?? That sounds abt right..

(I'm abt to get very ramble-y here so. a cut off is in place. I wholeheartedly blame you for this ramble sp. take responsibility.)

BUT DUDE I CAN'T GET OVER THE TWISTS AND TURNS OF THIS STORY. THE ACTION. THE CHARACTERS. THE REASONABLE THINGS IN THE PLOT (if that makes sense) AND IT ALL OCCUPIES MY HEAD 24/7/hj....

LIKE KDJ IS SO SMART HELLO?? In my friends words as well — he is a pretty boy. UGHHHHH

I'M LOSING IT OVER ORV.. I HAVEN'T BEEN THIS OBSESSED WITH ANYTHING IN A GOOD LONG WHILE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I NEED TO GET MY HANDS ON THE NOVEL I'M FREAKING OUT

but also to elaborate on how the reasonable things in the plot make sense — WHY EVERYTHING HAPPENS ACTUALLY MAKES SENSE. LIKE HOW KDJ SURVIVES STUFF AND SHIT AND HOW THERE ARE SOME PARTS WHERE IT'S TRICKY BUT IT WORDS OUT AND I. I've gotta cut myself off HELP

And there are some. Silly scenes. But yk. That just happens ig.. they're funny anyways so 😭😭

I hope you're happy that you got me to ramble sp. You silly.

#💭 ͏ ͏͏ ͏: ͏ ͏ ͏ nervo rambles ˑ ִ✷ #💬 ͏ ͏͏ ͏: ͏ ͏ ͏ nervo replies ˑ ִ✷ #🗨️ ͏ ͏͏ ͏: ͏ ͏ ͏ sp ˑ ִ✷ #my irl friend (whose up to date with the Webtoon) #has to deal with my rambles everyday when they first see me #or when I'm reading it in the moment #I'll be like #OMGOMG WHAT'S HAPPENING BRO I'M AJDHBEBFB #I'm already telling other friends they should read it #spreading the word 😈😈 #told my childhood friend today and I made them save it so 🙏🙏 #they were like #it's nearly 200 episodes 😨😨 #and I'm like #ofc!! #that's why I like it 🫶🫶 #with many other easily ofc #lore and characters.. #attractive characters.... #gotta make them read some actual good shit #and EDUCATE THEM #ANYWAYS #UM #I'LL CUT MYSELF OFF HERE #NOT SORRY FOR ANY TYPOS #but I will say that school is stopping me from reading.. #It's absolutely tragic 💔💔 #they're stopping the binge!! #how could they!!!!

[camels-pen]

(i haven't read Whole Cake in a while, and i never really watched it, so bear with me)

I'd love to write a fic with Usopp on Whole Cake. it'd be sooo fucking long and i'd need to refresh myself on the entire arc, but god i'd probably be so satisfied when it's done. specifically for having brought a single moment in my head to life, but we'll get to that.

On Zou, he insists to be taken along on the Sanji rescue team and has worked himself up with a whole bunch of very good reasons as to why he should go there instead of helping in Wano, but of course Luffy just immediately accepts with a "yeah sure"

With Whole Cake, I think he'd be flipping between having fun as part of the idiot trio/quartet (Luffy, Chopper, Carrot), and being terrified with Nami. There wouldn't be that many differences in the arc as a whole, though; some things would be easier/better and some things would be worse- I don't necessarily think Usopp's presence would be overall an advantage or disadvantage, just different. Like, major events would stay mostly the same, but little details would change and maybe those little details would build to a far more drastic change-

for example, maybe one of Big Mom's kids considers themself a great sniper and wants a match with Usopp, or is motivated to work harder because Usopp is around and they want to take him out and boast about it. Maybe it means Sunny takes more damage than canon, or maybe Usopp's help means less damage to Sunny. (idk if i'd really do smth like this, but it's just an example)

skjdhf fuck i'm really not equipped to try and figure this out when i don't remember shit from Whole Cake aaaa

I do know that, despite his penchant for talking and rambling, I'd probably have Usopp be dead silent after his initial shock when Sanji fights Luffy. Everything about that is the same, except Usopp is just watching Sanji the whole time- not panicking, not moving, and not speaking. He doesn't say a word the entire time, doesn't even make a sound, and that, along with Luffy's words and Nami's begging, stick with Sanji.

(Usopp is thinking of his own fight with Luffy in Water 7, he's partially wondering if this was what it was like- if it was this painful to watch from the sidelines- and partially knowing he doesn't have to say a word, because he knew, like he knew back then, that it didn't matter what was said. It wasn't quite the same, but he could tell in the way Sanji moved, in the way he spoke and held himself, that he was putting on a front, trying to be brave in all the wrong ways. Usopp didn't say a word to Sanji because there was nothing he could say that Sanji himself didn't already know. Should've known. And his quiet, direct stare, was more than enough.)

the singular moment i really wanna write, is a scene where Sanji is apologizing for dragging them into his mess- either during the big meeting in Bege's castle or some other time- and Usopp's like "I'll do what you can't, you do what I can't, right?" and Sanji pauses, a little confused, until he remembers Enies Lobby and a stupid mask and cape and-

and tears are gathering in his eyes now, fuck, but he laughs a little. It sounds wet and his face is itchy and they're surrounded by tentative allies, but he- he laughs again and he says, "Fuck, you remembered that?"

Usopp shrugs, a little smile on his face. "They were some wise words from a wise man."

Sanji laughs a third time. "You think I'm wise?"

And they banter a little more before Bege tells them to quit it since they're on a time constraint or something. Quietly, Usopp will ask, "It-it helps. On bad days. And I figured, 'what's a worse day than this?' Ah, not that you getting married would ever be bad per se-"

"Usopp," Sanji says, looking more relaxed and settled. He smiles fondly and grabs his friend in a one armed hug, crushing him to his side. "Thanks."

And yeah, don't remember much beyond that, except the whole "hiding and then busting out of the cake" bit, which would mean Usopp in a cute little tuxedo or smth- maybe with a fedora aaaaaa <- loves fedoras- helping out with the fighting and eventually sailing with everyone to Wano.

He would be so distressed about fixing up Sunny now that the whole thing with Whole Cake is over. Maybe there'd be a gag about him promising Franky to take good care of Sunny while they were gone and being confident, after being Franky's tinkering partner and learning from him over time, that he could handle minor repair work much better than he did the first time around with Merry. And so when he finally takes in all the very-not-minor repairs he has to do, he's certain Franky is gonna strangle him for not keeping his promise. Probably also try to write in some nostalgic 'repairman Usopp' vibes from pre-Water 7.

Also something something, Sanji, wanting to do more for the crew bc he still feels guilty about Whole Cake, decides to take it upon himself to help Usopp not fall into a whole anxiety spiral about the ship. In turn, Usopp ends up helping Sanji not feel so guilty- usually by handing his own words back to him on a silver platter. And, yknow, having the two of them bonding and being buddies again like they so rarely get to be in canon nowadays qwq

#one piece #usopp #whole cake island #nemotime #that bit in bege's castle isn't exactly how it would go. just kinda. trying to get the vibe. also it's wayyy too short lol #the sanuso bit can be platonic or romantic. originally when i was gonna write out this idea a while ago i was thinking romantic with my #'they get engaged/married b4 dressrosa' au but tbh platonic works just as good #im- these guys man. i hate them so much (affectionate) #i'll get to rereading whole cake and finding a way to put him in there but for now. this. #if anyone's got other ideas im all ears #edit from like march 7: thinking about this again #maybe usopp being silent is an indicator for sanji that usopp's really fucking disappointed or shocked or w/e #but for usopp himself it's like being back in water 7. he doesn't even mean to be silent. he's got words built up on the tip of his tongue #but none of them come out. and despite sanji being Right There all he wants to do in that moment. is run. #at the very least he stays and watches the whole confrontation through. but afterwards he probably feels like shit #because he's the guy who's great with words right? he's the guy that can relate the most out of the group who went to WCI. he should be abl #to make a significant difference and help convince sanji to come home. but he feels like he failed. like he's going to lose another friend #and it's going to be all his fault. (again) #[not really. we all know merry wasn't his fault but we love old insecurities rearing their head in this house] #later he'd probably end up saying the words he wanted to say. and maybe it's better that way. that he ended up waiting #until luffy's had a proper shot at scolding sanji first. because then usopp can act as support and reinforcement. which. yknow. #a sniper's duty and all #anyway i got other shit to do so i'm cutting myself off here #wci usopp

[themonsterunderthebed]

what do we think team, i've been maintaining i'm pretty much doing fine but i also just used all purpose scissors to give myself a haircut over the bathroom sink. does this hold implications for my current mental state or are we sticking with my reasoning that my hair was an incredibly annoying length

#themonster #i have bangs now. they are not good bangs #also as far as i can tell from the picture i managed to take of the back of my head #my friend whose hair i once accidentally cut an almost-bald strip off the back of has been avenged #accidentally cut one strip back there noticeably shorter than the rest but i don't think trying to even it out is the move #i'll wait to see what a friend says about this dumpster fire and then decide whether to take myself to a barber to try to even things out #or just accept my fate and roll with it #or see if my friend can improve it at all #everyone meeds to have given themselves a terrible haircut at least once. it's imprtant

[sga-owns-my-soul]

i love waking up at 4am crying bc i'm having an existential crisis about my life

#don't mind me #just sobbing over realizing that my longest friendship is basically over #realizing that every single one of my interests has been attacked or belittled by my 'best friend' #realizing that she's insulted every one of my other friends #on top of screwing me over in our job for months #i literally don't know how to bring any of this up without ending our friendship #bc i know her #and i know calling her out for this will cause her to blow up #bc she can do no wrong #and me telling her that's she's being shitty will cause so many issues #and she's my fu king cousin. so i'll basically be cutting myself off from. everyone #if i get mad at her #so yeah no it's fine #my chest and throat hurt #im doing So Bad!!! #anywyas fuck being an adult #im having the worst fucking morning #thank fuck i don't work today oh my god #im so fucking tired #ignore this #personal rambles #don't mind me just being negative and sad at 429am on a monday #not stargate

[aro-culture-is]

Aro culture is wishing desperately for physical and emotional connection but not pursuing it because it has romantic connotations and you dont want romance. Its knowing that your friends in relationships will never be the same with you again.

please don't cut yourself off from physical and emotional connections. i promise that things will be okay. yes, you will lose some friends - but you can always make new friends, even new friends already in relationships, and it will be okay.

#caelan-yeah #aro culture is #aro #aromantic #actually aro #actually aromantic #ask #mod axel #like i just want to be totally real this sounds like a trauma-based fear response #of 'i need to cut myself off or i'll get hurt' #when it is normal to to experience some conflict in any relationships - friendship included #and in this case your conflict seems to be 'my friends have other relationships they are prioritizing' #and like. it's hard but *they are allowed to do that* #you can communicate with them though! #you can say 'hey i feel sad lately because it seems like all of you are hanging out with your partners and not me' #'could we hang out more? maybe we could set up a regular hang out time?' #and maybe that will help! and if it doesn't - you can try expanding your friend group #join an interest-based group like a club or class or community org #talk with people #it sucks when you feel like you're starting from nothing but i promise it will be okay

[werepuppe]

guys it's 2023 happy 2023 ❗❗❗❗❗❗❗💥💥💥🙌🙌🙌 2023 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#ok real talk im gonna ramble here a bit #bc the past year has been so fucking wild bc that was the year where i met new folks n got the courage #to leave a shitty fucking relationship i could not get myself to cut off for so long. for GOOD #i have gotten myself n my sense of self after. though myself had come back different bc i had changed so much #my interests now compared to from the start of that year changed so much #im just glad i finally was able to meet more new folks n end up being in a whole friend group like i've always wanted to for so long #bc otherwise i wouldn't have been holding up as super well after that final scare of the year from said shitty situation #i would've still been left wishing i was genuinely cared abt & wanting to feel close to what being human to people would be like #wolfe.txt

[caramelmochacrow]

thinking abt 3 of my friends from. like. 3 years ago??? (idk anymore) and how they reacted so calmly to me coming out as trans when i was half unsure abt myself. like, !?!?!?!? WHAT. i literally told them i wanted to be a guy and they were chill abt it. like, so chill.

i wish i remembered that before i did some crazy mind gymnastics to make me think i wasnt. but eh im alright w it now.

#crow talks #this memory resurfaced just now and it so so shocking that they were chill. #one of them has an older brother who's friends w my gay cousin was (last i heard) trying to be more androgynous w his style!! which is sick #good for his brother. the other two were twins and liked tf2 so i think they were alright w gay people idk. #shit got weird between the four of us tho. people started saying that one of them liked me which we didn't mind at first but then it got ba #near the end of the year we just stopped talking to each other. kinda closed myself off from everyone in my class after that. #the three of them still hung out but i pretty much was cut off bc of the stuff my classmates said. they sort of just waved or greeted me. #i miss them a lot..... idk how they've been doing. hope theyre alright. #sorry for the ramble abt my friends lol

[morningmask27]

I do sometimes find it really annoying that most of the things I do right now are At Least tangentially related to a trauma I lived through.

I am living in a university dorm right now, it's a very typical thing to do, but most people return to their family home during the weekends and only really stay in the dorms because they have classes in the week and having to go from their home to the classes, especially the 9 am classes, can be heavy if they live somewhat further away. I stay in my dorm the entire week. For Reasons I don't want to go back to my old home for longer than half a day to drop my laundry and leave with clean clothes, some food and a chat with my mother. I wouldn't feel good doing so anymore, but mentioning that is weird because most people (except internationals because going to a full on other country just for the weekend, every weekend, would be a bit dumb) return to their home (My dorm feels more like home to me right now than my old house did btw).

When I say I stay in my dorm people are somewhat confused, as it on its own already implies that something must not be that good at the familial home for me to not go there for the weekends. By the simple fact I don't go back it's already implied there is something wrong, and it's true, there Is something wrong, but I can't just start explaining the whole thing, it's not really appropriate for most conversations, and I simply don't want to open up about this part of my traumas. So I just have to quickly and very blatantly brush off that fact and the unpleasant implications to continue the conversation without making it awkward and it's so annoying.

Most of my weird trauma responses at least have the added thing that if I don't verbalize them nobody will really notice. I am good at hiding them, I kinda had to, but this dorm situation is such a blatant sign of something Weird (and not the good kind) that I cannot hide since my actions on their own imply a situation already.

I am somewhat good at dealing with all of these issues, brushing off The Problems is a typical part of normal conversations, but it does get frustrating sometimes when I get severely affected by something traumatic, and it's The Only reason that my problem happened, but I cannot talk about it in casual conversations because of how heavy and intense it is. I have to vaguely mention The Horrors (They Are Complex) and move on before I make my conversation partner uncomfortable. It happened when I had to miss a class because of a severe relapse in my mental health, it happens every time I mention I stay in my dorm the weekends, it happens whenever I get too jittery and weird because of stress (I don't even always know Why I am stressed) and I just cannot explain anything about the cause because it's too heavy for most people to hear. (I do understand that fact, it makes sense you're not going to tell classmates casually about the horrific stuff you went through in your personal life, but it fucking gets annoying when it is fully related to a situation and I have to Shut The Fuck Up anyway.)

It's just frustrating to me that I have to deal with all these Weird Things because of trauma, and everyone sees them, but I cannot explain where they come from truthfully because of how much they are. It's in this weird middle state where people See I am weird hurt, but they don't Know why. I do things differently for reasons they can assume are unpleasant, but I cannot ever truly explain everything to them.

#morningcries #yeah late night frustrations as I just thing about all my friends and such going back to their homes and the occasional somewhat awkward #Lull in a conversation whenever I say I don't return to my kot (so Every time I say that) #Honestly having such a shit childhood really set me apart. But not in a good way #I am weird in many ways. All related to traumas I had and I can't relate to most people #I don't want to return to my home. I don't know what I feel about my sister but it sure as hell isn't a normal sibling relationship. #I have severe attachment issues and fucking cut myself when I was 14 #This mutilation fucked up my brain in the long term too as I now just crassly mention them Like That. They don't mean anything to me anymor #School left me a lonely hurt mess filled with anger and resentment. I had no friends left during my last year there. I had no friends when #I began university. My childhood was horrible and I now have to build something new from the shattered pieces I have left #Some people do help me but in a way my childhood is and always will be lost. I can't relate to what most people got to enjoy #Yes some small moments I do. I went on vacation and stuff and it was fun But somehow something always showed up to make the memory taste ba #When I talk about my past I always have to choose very specific small stories and shave off every negative detail and the grander (bad) #Context

[ban-joey]

sending laser beams to my professor with my mind. kenneth you said midterm grades would b up by this afternoon. it is officially TONIGHT and guess what? kenneth i would love to not be clenching my teeth in my sleep tonight. kenneth i will be sending you a bill in the mail. yes i know its probably a TAs responsibility but i blame you personally. i hate school

#i dont im having a lot of fun (genuinely) but it is often pretty stressful #did find out there are a few folks adjacent to my program doing zoonoses & climate change research so im very excited to chat w them next w #possibly directing my thesis towards one health. social epi gradually becoming less interesting #plus i think my strengths do lie in applying epi to biological concepts so. one health works there #my brain continually trying to get back to lyme disease :( sometimes i really do miss the east coast tbh! #not lying actually i think the number one thing i miss is the amt of vector borne disease research LMFAO #i do unfortunately kind of have a crush on a classmate so that's fine but whatever. grad school. men are nice to me and i lose my mind ig #need to go make out w a hot trans person i think that would solve my problems rn #but also it's nice to be so excited about someone deciding to sit next to me in every class :) #like wow how isolated have i been the last 3 years to be so delighted by like. active signs i have Officially Made Friends. #even if he does live like a block away from my dad and jokes every goddamn day like 'so i saw your dad yesterday' no you DIDNT shut UP #idk yesterday he sat right next to me in a class he usually sits w other people in and it sort of sent my brain off the edge and now im jus #yeah. sitting with this one. it's fine like it's normal. but wowie i do think it's my first time having a Big Ol Crush since (redacted) #a little scary for my animal brain i think but it's okay! #im 25 in like 3 ish weeks and i still get embarrassed about this stuff somehow? stupid. #he's just really nice and always really fun to talk to! i think i had to officially Sit With Myself today bc epi is doing a holiday party #and there's a baking contest and we were talking abt it in class and i was indecisive abt whether i want to participate #and he like fully cut me off and was like oh you should bake something so i can have some :) #and. well fuck now i have to lmao. IM SO EASY IT'S SO EMBARRASSING #good evening everyone. guess this is my journal now. anyway ken rice you owe me twenty dollars and i aim to COLLECT

[elenadoeslife]

your first love hits different

#another day another vent-in-the-tags post #i came across a picture of me and my fiest boyfriend of five years today. picture must've been 10 years old at this point #found many more pictures of him and us on my dad's old pc #i can just feel my body pull and heart ache when i look at him in the pictures #wondering what my life would've looked like if i hadn't broken things off between us #we tried to stay friends and a couple of months later we went for a drink. when daying goodbye he moved in to kiss me #i was hesitant and stepped away. he couldn't bare having me in his life while not being together so he cut off all contact #don't get me wrong in any of my thoughts- i love babe whole heartedly and he's the only man for me now and in my future #it's just that nagging feeling burried deep. the 'what if's. what if i felt more confident about my body back then? #what if i hadn't moved on so quickly? what if i had let him kiss me? #i tried texting him telling him i was approved for gbp surgery (i broke things off because i was very insecure about my body) #he congratulated me and sincerely wished me all the happiness in the world but also asked me not to contact him again after this #it's been 7-ish years but every now and then i wonder how he's doing and what he's up to #he doesn't really have social media apart from facebook (and that page is private) and i only stayed in touch with his former best friend #but i'm not gonna ask him because i know they haven't spoken in years either #i've had plenty more relationships after him but i rarely ever think about those guys #am i okay? is this normal? lol #i should get my head out of this rabbit hole asap #add: the picture is almost 15 years old lol. my math ain't mathing. we met in 2009. not that it's important #i think i just moved on too quickly and didn't allow myself time & space to grieve. that's why he keeps popping up in my thoughts now & then

[hazmatazz]

i don't want to ask for reassurance, i just want people to say they care about me and trust me and hell maybe they can tell me they want to spend time with me or they want to talk to me or listen to me or hug me or fuck maybe they can tell me they love me

#god all that shit fucked me up again and now i can't even get myself to message my friends because what if they don't want to hear from me? #i can't ask my friends to hang out. i cant open up to a person. i can't ask my step dad to take me somewhere. i can't look my mom in the eye #it's worse now that i have rational thoughts. i understand that /someone/ likely has to care about me. i understand it's impossible for me- #to be fully untrustworthy or unlovable or not thought about. especially with the people i surround myself with #but it's just so hard to believe. and god i wish i just hated myself but i /don't/. i really don't #and that's what makes it so hard. i can't find any major flaws in myself but i also can't find a reason why someone would stick around #i'm cutting it off here. it's 1:45 am. i'm not tired but it's wise to go to sleep #god. this fuckin sucks. i just want it to go back to how it was before where i didn't feel like i was walking on eggshells ALL the time #yeah i was still so unsure but not i can't even /text/ my /best friends/. what the hell??

[glittertimes]

My problem is that there is a very jaded smart part of me that isn’t surprised when ppl are awful and shitty this part of me fights back whenever I’m hurt.

But there’s also the naive caring part of me that just wants community and connection and I still don’t know how to be both at once so I can stand up for my boundaries but still be caring and understanding.

#like whenever I get out of a shitty situation where I had to stand up and be angry with ppl #I come back to this little version of me that is so open to connection and building new community again #and whenever I find that I’m just so excited to have ppl in my life again and I just care for them without fully questioning #if they’re good people to be investing in and when ppl start mistreating me I already care so much #even when I know I have to leave it kills me to do it #I’ve healed from this a thousand times at this point but it’s never any less heartbreaking or confusing #I just want nice friends who wouldn’t hurt me that I don’t have to cut off #obviously everyone is flawed and we all hurt each other but it’s different when people intentionally hurt you or don’t do enough to protect #you from harm #my parents were abusive growing up and I think what hurt more #was that all the ppl that could have or should have protected me like school teachers and other adults that were around me #that could tell something was wrong blamed me instead of supporting me #or trying to understand why I was acting out or why I was so quiet at times #maybe the reason I don’t know how to protect myself is I’ve never seen anyone else do it either #personal

[madamescarlette]

in all honesty, one of the best parts of having a face again is resting content in the knowledge that no matter what, everyone can see my replies now.

#before I think they weren't on mobile which cut me off from like half of my friends!!! #believe it or not i was holding myself back but now dobby is a FREE ELF once more #now my poetry tag is open on my second screen and my pinned something colorful as the Lord intended #God's in his heaven all's right with the world etc #thinking out loud

[fabulouslygaybean]

sexuality is so dumb. relationships are dumb. romance is dumb and sex is dumb and it's all too fucking complicated and weird

#sorry. im just having a lot of thoughts and it's making me frustrated. #ive been thinking a lot about polyamory? which sounds strange ig but. i don't know. #it sounds very appealing at this point in my life #i don't always feel romantic attraction like other folks do and it feels like i wouldn't be understood in a monogamous relationship bc of it #i don't think people could handle the fact that sometimes my romantic attraction just Disappears for a day or two before it comes back #or the fact that my ideal romantic relationship is just. we're best friends but with all the extra relationship shit added on. #i want someone to be my best friend that i also kiss and take out on dates and bang sometimes. or something. #part of me feels like id be better understood in a polycule bc it's already a slightly unconventional relationship situation #also because i have a lot of love in my heart and im scared ill have to cut that part of myself off from others if i have a partner that - #- gets possessive over me in a weird way. maybe i just have poor experiences but idk. #there's sexy possessiveness (fun when done right) and then there's just. Gross possessiveness. which is what im worried about. #i don't fucking know!!! it's weird and complicated and the longer i type the more i realize i don't wanna think about it #im cutting this post off now. that whole rant probably made no sense but whatever