#cwyd series

[gayerthanevertbh]

conversations with your demons masterlist.

pairings | step-mom!natasha x fem!reader

summary | i was never the same when my mother died. but, i was lighten up again by someone else who i shouldn’t be feeling in the first place. we were both fucked up in the head, somehow.

warnings | DARK & SENSITIVE THEMES! step-mom & daughter relationship (in the right age, NOTHING HAPPENS WHEN THE READER WAS A MINOR. NOT A GLIMPSE OF INTEREST.), smut, angst, fluff, and character death (which you guessed.)

note | i am very excited to write this series! this is similar to ‘the other woman’ series but the topic is very different. natasha will be a little manipulative, so it’s kind of a dark series. meaning dark, there will be a lot of gaslighting and possessiveness. we’ll have to see how this ends. and both characters (reader included) are mentally ill, especially in reader’s perspective. i hope you enjoy!

comment if you want to be on the taglist! 

                                                    –

chapter one – embrace from a “mother”

chapter two – talking to your demons.

chapter three – france.

chapter four – a mother’s undying desire. 

chapter five – uncertainty. 

more to come, wait up!

#natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff x you #natasha romanoff fanfic #dark!natasha romanoff x reader #natasha angst #soft!natasha romanoff #cwyd series #black widow x you #black widow x fem!reader

[gayerthanevertbh]

conversation with your demons - part two.

pairing | step-mom!natasha x fem!reader (romantic)

summary | you began to notice that your stepmother looks at you in a way that a lover would. though, you try to dismiss it. but you also began to like the idea of it.

warnings | DARK THEMES INVOLVED! voyeurism (non-con), slight touching, masturbation, mentions of depression, natasha just being unhinged in this part. (let me know if there’s more to add.) 18+!

notes | i loved writing this part, i had so many thoughts of words and i just AHHH i hope you enjoy this one! commenting your thoughts and all that would be greatly appreciated, mwah! <3

series masterlist | masterlist | taglist for this series

A few days after the graduation party, I was back in my room with nothing much to do other than reading and watching a few old films with a DVD set. I got tired of watching the same shows repeatedly and watched the movies that Wanda recommended to me which was good. I haven’t checked up on Natasha, but she would leave a tray of food on the ground that was in front of my door. I would take it, eat it a little, and then put a sticky note on the tray that says: thank you. I don’t know if she threw those away, probably after acting like a brat a few days ago. So, I never let that stick in me.

I came out of my cave – finally – and walked to the kitchen to see Natasha preparing for dinner, humming a song that I couldn’t understand. Natasha always had a beautiful voice, I would sometimes listen to her singing whenever I was in the living room or just near her. Although now that I think about it, does she know I listen to her sing? Hope not.

She almost turned into a startling matter and smiled kindly at me, “Hey. You got out.”

I nodded, trying to smile meekly. Responding with a tight lip smile: “Yeah. At some point, I have to.”

Natasha places the pot down on the countertop and turns away, making me look down at the ground. She speaks up, “That’s good. I’m glad you’re here to eat dinner with me, Y/N. If I’m going, to be honest, I’ve been feeling lonely and I just need some company sometimes.”

I do feel bad that I wasn’t there for Natasha when she needed it the most. We made a pact – sort of – that we will be friends but in a parenting way. Well, for her at least. I always saw her as an older friend and she saw me as this younger friend. It was funny to even think about it since she’s my step-mom. But now that mom is gone, I don’t know what else to think of her. A guardian? A friend? Maybe she’s still my friend.

I sighed as I played with my fingertips, pulling the skin slowly – not wanting to hurt myself. I whispered softly, “I’m sorry, Nat. I should’ve been there for you when you needed it.”

Her voice altered into this bright and cooler tone as she turned to me, smiling that was almost a grin but her teeth weren’t showing. She nods, gets closer to me and touches my arm, and squeezes it – as a sign of something that I can’t seem to understand. I gulped as I felt her warm hand against my skin that it was firing down my body. It felt… different. Maybe it was just me considering I haven’t had a physical touch in such a long time.

“It’s okay,” she says, but more like a whisper and her voice was huskier than before. She squeezes my arm again, but very gently – like it was as if she was afraid to hurt me. I looked at the side of my arm and began to think why was she holding me like this. It all felt weird yet so awkwardly comfortable. I looked back at her and she added, “Now come eat dinner with me.”

I waited for her while she was changing since she has been working in the house all day. It makes my stomach churn into this frenzy that I wasn’t there to help her – the guilt trip becomes overbearing for me as I try to think of something else to help me ease the stress that is punching in my head. I should’ve been there for her, I should’ve helped. But, I succumbed to this emotion that I still can’t tell whether I was sad or not. I was about to eat when I noticed Natasha coming back with a tight black tank top that defined her breasts quite noticeably. She flexes her arms as I see the trail of lines that were in it as she grabs the red bottle of wine that was in the beverage drawer. She sits beside me and smiles, pouring herself a glass of wine and drinking it – but usually, she would smell it. Instead, she just dunks it all inside her mouth; making me snort a laugh quietly.

“I hope you like my pelmeni. It took me a while to make the whole food right.”

I nodded at her and took a forkful of the cooked dough inside of my mouth and almost let out a strangled moan once I tasted the wonders that were inside that dough. I munched on it, smiling with a snicker, and looked at her with my mouth still chewing.

“Are you kidding? It’s so good!” I muffled while taking another dough inside my mouth, closing my eyes with an exaggeration. Although, it still was really good – I hope she knows that. Natasha smiles down at me and looks away, forking the dough and putting it inside her mouth.

“Thank you, printsessa.”

We remained silent for a few minutes, enjoying the food that we were presentably eating. I couldn’t stop thinking about the way Natasha’s other hand that was on the table is nearing me. Like as if she wants her hand to be holding mine. Why does she want to hold it? I know she does it by the way she’s inching herself closer to my hand – which is kind of skeptical if you think about it – but I just shrug silently and continued chewing on my food, which by the way was almost finished.

Natasha and I never really spoke about my mother’s death, maybe there was one time we did. It was always: I’m here if you need anything and that’s that. Although, I have never heard her grieving for my mom, or even just recognizing that my mom is in fact – deceased. I was skeptical – notice how I said that again – but I tried my best not to get in right through me. Sometimes, most often not going to lie, I go overboard with my thoughts that most of it isn’t even true. So, maybe my thoughts about Natasha weren’t true. Maybe she just kept it to herself – just like me.

But her actions and words don’t mend with it.

“You know you don’t have to go to college,” Natasha says with an encouraging tone. But then, changed quickly when she realized how stupid she sounded. She shakes her head, letting out a small nervous laugh. “I mean–Of course, you can. I just don’t want you to feel pressured that’s all. I want you to be at your most comfortable Y/N. So if you need a longer break, you deserve it.”

As long as you don’t date people.

It was sweet and rather kind to hear that from Natasha, letting me know that there was nothing to be pressured about. My lips remain pursed and silent, not sure if I should reply to that statement she made. I deeply thought about going to college, suddenly feeling that maybe I should skip a year to remain healthy and stay mentally hydrated or something. She will understand.

“Can I take a year off?” I asked, sounding so small but so good to hear. Natasha nods at me, smiling in fact. But, it wasn’t a gigantic smile. It was a normal smile, elegant even.

“Of course, Y/N.”

“Do you think Wanda will make fun of me for it?”

Her face softens even more and holds my cheek with her right hand, pulling me to look at her as we made eye contact. She stared down at me with her bright green eyes that suddenly darkened with how deep she looked at me. I could feel the way her thumb caresses my cheek in such an electric way that I could feel my lower stomach twisting into knots. This wasn’t just a normal touch, it was something else.

“No one will,” she says, feigned with a slight annoyance. But, hoping that it wasn’t targeting me. She sighs. “You’re going through a lot. I understand you and I’m sure Wanda will, kotenok.”

That nickname again! I shook my head that I could feel her hand slipping away from my cheek as it burned up my skin, waiting for her to touch it again. But, I thought about that very inappropriately and continued to eat my food. In fact, I jabbed my fork onto the dough and ate the last one. It was a little awkward, especially when she was holding me as if I was her lover. I wasn’t, I was her stepdaughter – whether I liked it or not. Which was, in fact, unlikable considering she’s now my mother. Yet again, we never saw each other that way and I continue to think like that.

“Have I made you uncomfortable?” Natasha asked with worry. I shook my head at her and stood up briefly, straightening my loose shirt, and walked near the stairs. She added, walking toward me: “Wait, please come back. I have to ask you something.”

I turned to her with my usual smile that’s always on my face whenever I’m faced with Natasha. I raised my eyebrows and said slowly, “Yeah? What’s wrong?”

She took a deep breath and let out an exhale that was sort of dragged. Then, within fifteen seconds, she timidly asked: “I know how much you hate sleeping alone. Do you remember when I got you a bear on your sixteenth birthday?”

I nodded, almost smiling at the memory when Natasha gave me a small brown bear that I called: bear. Eventually, I started calling Natasha that name since she bought me a stuffed toy like that. In fact, she even mentioned that she loved it whenever I called her that.

“Do you want to sleep beside me later? You’ve been whimpering in your sleep… I hear you most nights.”

There were so many questions inside my head when she asked me that. Firstly, would it be weird to sleep in the same bed as your stepmother? And secondly, I felt embarrassed that she had to hear me making noises at night. And foremost, did I ever talk in my sleep? I should download that app that Wanda was telling me to.

“Natasha, I don’t think–”

“We can put a pillow between us,” she suggested. Her voice with a sound of hope and want – I even began to think she wasn’t helping me, maybe this was an excuse to sleep beside me. Though, it wasn’t something Natasha would think, though. It was an absurd thought. “If you want to that’s all.”

“I think I would like that,” I tell her, giving her a small smile. Natasha’s face brightens once I answered her and began to step away from me – her hands rooting in her back pocket. I added quickly, “Thank you, Nat. I don’t want to be alone tonight.”

“So am I.”

I was in my white camisole top along with black shorts that hung around my butt. I knocked on her door softly before I could hear her saying: come in! I held onto the doorknob as if it was my life support and took a deep breath. This was going to be a normal night and a normal thing to happen. It wasn’t like we were going to do anything, right? That thought swerved around my head relentlessly until I could feel a thump on my temple. I opened the door and saw her in the same outfit she was wearing when we had dinner. Although, her hair was down and I could see her blonde locks at the edge of her red hair. She looks up at me and smiles, setting aside her book on the bedside table and patting a hand on the bed – inviting me in.

“Come here.”

My body made its way to the bed and I got comfortable immediately with how soft the mattress was. I forgot the feeling of being in this bed ever since mom died, it almost felt too scary at some point. But, I lay on the bed and tuck myself in the blanket – my head resting against the feathery pillows. She grabbed a pillow and was about to put it on our side until I quickly said:

“No, it’s okay. I mean… we don’t need it anyway.”

She looks up hesitantly and whispers and asked gently, “Are you sure?”

I nodded – frantically – answering with the same voice she had.

“Yeah, it’s okay.”

Natasha gave me a certain nod and I nodded back, turning on the side and putting my head behind my head. It felt cold but inviting at the same time, and I noticed that the room had changed after my mom’s death. The table that she always uses was gone and was replaced by a newer one and it looked a little longer and broader. When I looked around more, there was a tall rectangular shaped painting that was hanging beside the walk-in closet door. And the bed itself was not silky but the sheets were very soft. I liked how the room smelled and it didn’t smell like mom, it was more of Natasha’s smell and I loved it.

Once the lights were off, we fell into this enduring silence. I felt her body shuffling in the bed and I felt stiff because of it. I began to think that it was a bad idea to sleep in the same room as her, I didn’t know how to act or even think properly. I shouldn’t probably move too much, it might annoy her.

“You won’t disturb me while you’re moving,” Natasha says with a deeper voice. Does she sound like that when she’s about to sleep? No, she always sounds like that – I’m not that surprised. Then, she chuckles through the silence. “I promise. Okay?”

With the power I have left, I yawned and whispered near her: “Okay, bear. Thank you.”

I was surprised that I called her that nickname that died a few years ago. Usually, I’ll only call her if I want something so bad or whenever I’m in a comfortable area with her. Natasha wouldn’t care a lot about it – in fact, she encourages the name as she finds it adorable in a way that it makes her blush. I could hear a fainted sigh – frightened it might be an annoyed one – but quickly faded away when I heard her gentle voice say:

“Goodnight, bunny.”

                                                   —

The tension went on for days. Whenever I was minding my own business – like reading a book on the patio or eating a cookie dough that I made that was in the fridge – her presence would be there but from afar. I pretend not to notice it, as I find it weird if she catches me that I caught her staring, but it didn’t make me uncomfortable. Or maybe, I was being nice about this. But, sometimes I do feel a little frightened because I don’t know what her tensions are and I do not want to ask what it is. I have this slight fantasy that she touches my hips with her fingers that were trailing against my naked skin as I feel her lips–

“We should put more sugar into this batter.”

Damn it. I shouldn’t even think like that, it’s forbidden like how Eve ate the apple from the tree and was abolished from the most beautiful garden with her weird husband.

I had to gather my thoughts and shake my head, sighing rather with a grumbling sound, and pinch my nose bridge as I felt a headache coming through. I nodded toward Wanda, replying quickly: “You think so? I mean, this Crème brûlée is perfect.”

“It tastes weird,” Wanda speaks up with annoyance that erupts from her tone. She dips her finger on the batter and I swatted it, making her let out a hissing sound, and wrapped her hand around her finger. “Ow! What the fuck–”

“You literally dipped your finger a minute ago,” I said, rolling my eyes and grabbing the bowl away from her – making Wanda a fake pout that I clearly don’t even want to see; in a joking matter. “Grab the sugar and caramelized it.”

With so much distraction I had, Natasha was staring at me in such a condemning way that I had to look up and catch her eyes that were glued to me. She then notices my act and looks away – pretending she wasn’t just staring a few seconds ago and left like a dash. Was she upset? Did I crowd the kitchen too much? Wanda bumped her shoulder against mine and whispered close to my face.

“She was staring at you.”

I shrugged but could feel my body trembling as I beat the batter with a whisk.

“I think we’re making a mess,” I stated loudly. “Maybe that’s why she was staring.”

I continued to whisk the batter without even looking straight into my friend’s eyes, who is hoping for me to look at her with an answer. I quickly poured the batter into a white circular bowl and placed it on the tray that was inside the oven. Wanda notices my sudden actions change, thinking I was moving too harshly or the way I replied was too quick. She began to calculate what the situation was until it hit her that it made her stomach hurt.

“I think Natasha has a crush on you.”

I chuckled. I chuckled so hard that it could be heard from another room. My forehead began to sweat with her theory, my body starts to heat up with the sudden imagination of Natasha having an actual crush on me. It was a weird thought, and I quickly dismissed her when I closed the oven that made a loud bang! Sound.

“This isn’t first elementary school anymore, Wanda.” I said, turning to her so I can look her straight in the eye – even though my body was shaking, not in an obvious way. My voice changed too.

“But the way she looks at you is something else,” Wanda responded with a sudden drop of worry and took a step near me – her mouth close to my face. She took a deep breath and added, “Do you think a stepmother would stare at you like that?”

“Unless she was pissed off–”

“That wasn’t a look of pissed off, Y/N.” Wanda responded with a slight irritation that feigned in her tone. She crossed her arms, making me look small, and said, “She has a thing for you.”

“I don’t think it’s appropriate for that to happen.”

She quirks an eyebrow as if she was in disbelief. This is true though, it was inappropriate to be with a stepmother that was in a relationship with your biological parent. She blabbers, “Uh, I think it’s quite alright. Yeah? I mean, she’s really pretty and super sexy. And she’s kind and so loving, and you guys–”

“No, Wanda,” I cut her off, turned away, and pulled the faucet lever to wash my hands. “It’s not going to happen. I’m sure Natasha doesn’t see me that way, it’ll be too scandalous.”

Where to begin to start in that relationship? There were no similarities between us nor the fact that Natasha would ever be interested in me at some point. It will certainly be too scandalous and repulsive to the thought of even kissing her or being touched by her. It wasn’t like I was an anti of it, but because we are in this circumstance where my mother had died while still being married to Natasha. No, it cannot happen.

This is such a weird conversation.

“Alright,” Wanda sighs loudly and scratches at her nape. “Sorry if I may have offended you.”

                                                       —

“We should go to France,” I said in a bubbly voice, flopping against the dark itchy couch that was inside Natasha’s office. I laid against the headrest and threw my arms back, yawning. “I mean, just for fun. We could like… just be there for a while and forget every shit we’re going through.”

Something changed inside of me after that talk between me and Wanda. I was bolder and more reachable in a way that Natasha was merely surprised by my sudden change of actions. Though, she has said that she liked it and wanted me to keep it up. She looked up at me and smiled at the thought. Us lived in a rental beach home with the sea in front of us that looked so inviting. She could imagine it perfectly well.

“I think that’s a nice idea,” she responded, dropping her book against the table and dialing her phone, which made me a bit curious. I asked:

“Who are you calling?”

“Someone I know who lives by the sea.”

It didn’t take a minute for the person to pick up and I could hear Natasha saying: “Hey, Steve. How’re you doing?”

“Hey, Nat! I’m doing good, yeah everything’s well here. How about you? I know everything’s hard–”

“Please don’t pull that shit, Rogers,” Natasha stated, erupting in an irritating tone that made Steve gulp in such insensitivity that he had brought on the phone. Natasha leans against the office chair while mindlessly staring at me. She noticed that the hem of my shirt was almost on my ribs, the half of my stomach showing with such attention. She could feel her throat tighten, her core starting to beat relentlessly as it heats up with so many imaginations – inappropriate ones – inside her head.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have mentioned that. What brought you to call me?”

Natasha’s fingertips were on the button of her pants, silently playing with it and debating if she should touch herself while she was very close to me – she could be caught. She sighs, almost too heavily, and didn’t have a choice but to unbutton it slowly and very quietly; afraid enough to make a sound that would alert me. She sighs through the phone when she could feel how wet she was from the sight of my stomach. How much imagination she has that her lips are all over my belly button, kissing and biting it with a desperation that was roaring out of her. She slipped her hands into her underwear and tried her best to stifle the moan.

“Um,” Natasha gulps, her eyes finally hooded as she plays with herself while looking at my stomach which was almost shown by how high up my top was. “Me and Y/N are wondering if we could–Ugh–Stay there for two weeks. If you’re there with Sam and Bucky, that’s alright.”

“Yeah! I’m so glad you asked, this house gets pretty lonely these days. Maria will take a visit as well as Peter with her girlfriend. I don’t know how the kid was brought up, but apparently Stark is coming so yes it’s available for the both of you.”

“That’s good,” Natasha was close. She starts to rub her cunt at a slightly faster pace with two of her fingers that were on her folds, occasionally bringing it up to her clit where it really hits the spot. My eyes were closed from this moment and they were covered by my arm that was slung around my head. I start to heave my chest, feeling the warmness around the room but I was too lazy enough to ask Natasha. This was an advantage for the older woman who whispered on the phone, “I’ll call you back. We’ll be there soon.”

When she hung up, Natasha did her best to be quiet and continued to play with herself. Her mouth was hung open – slightly – and stared right into my bare stomach. She noticed as well that the ribbon of my panties was a little-seen, and my shorts were kind of loose because of it. Natasha rolls her eyes back and sighs quietly – her fingers relentlessly rubbing against her clit. She mutters in a quiet voice, “Fuck.” and spreads her fingers around her folds, bringing the wetness to her clit, and flicks it rapidly.

With the thought of her fucking me with her strap-on that was above average and my mouth was clung on her core, eating her out like a hungry animal – she came silently, too silently. She shuts her eyes tight, letting out a deeply strangled moan as her pussy beats with so much adrenaline from her drawn orgasm. Natasha knew very well how wrong this was, but at that moment; she didn’t care. All she knows now is that she needed my pussy badly. She wished that somehow I was a pure virgin that wants to have preyed. Her wild thoughts began to hallucinate her and finally, her orgasm died.

This was so wrong on so many levels, but Natasha admits that she has a thing for me. And to her, it was like speaking through your demons.

taglist: @sayah13 @lizzieolsen89 @marvelwomen-simp @when-wolves-howl @cmfouatslota77 @riles-is-an-idiot @ygtft-chen @aru-son @karmasgxrl  @natszn @d14n4ol​ @hitthatsnappy @natasharomanoffswifeyyy​ @simpforolderwomen​ @fluffypanda1603 @whore4nat​ (i’m sorry i can’t tag any of you, it won’t work :( )

#natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff x you #natasha romanoff fanfic #natasha romanoff #black widow x reader #natasha angst #black widow x you #cwyd series #dark!natasha romanoff x reader

[gayerthanevertbh]

conversations with your demons - part 1.

pairing | step-mom!natasha x fem!reader (romantic)

summary | after my mother’s passing, i seem not to understand on why i can’t feel that tiny emotion inside of me. and natasha understood that, way too comfortably that her arms are the only thing i could feel. 

warnings | underage drinking (they are all 18), natasha being a little “annoyed”, talks about a dead mother, READER IS 18 IN THIS STORY, mentions of SA and drugging. 18+!

notes | this was difficult to write, but i hope you enjoy the first chapter! let me know your thoughts and complains - i really don’t mind HELP

series masterlist | masterlist | taglist for this series

I met Natasha when I was only fifteen years old. So, I don’t know her that well. She looked kind but didn’t smile a lot. Although whenever mom would be with her, that’s the only time she’ll smile. To me, she would. But, she wasn’t as inviting as I hoped to imagine. She was also very funny, she made mom laugh until I could practically see her lungs getting out from her chest – speaking metaphorically. I would laugh too, but it would die down too quickly.

After they got married, Natasha bought a house that was sort of away from the city. They hated the crowd, the people most especially. I didn’t really care much, well a little since my best friend was living beside my home. Now, I have to cycle twenty minutes to get to her. Natasha has been the one who fixed up my room since I was the only child. I remember going inside my room for the first time and couldn’t believe that I had extravagant furniture around it. She smiled at me and gave me a nice warm hug, whispering how much she adores me. I adored her too, especially receiving things like that.

I was alright, I felt okay. Until I came home with the awful news that wrenched my stomach to the core.

I walked inside and saw Natasha sitting on the couch, with her palms on her forehead. She looked up at me with slight red puffed eyes – clearly from crying – and told me that mom died in a plane accident. At that time, I didn’t know how to react. I felt so many emotions that were hitting across my body, trying to come inside. But, I couldn’t feel anything. I remember so vividly that I nodded to her and smacked my lips, trying to explain somehow that I don’t know how to react. I loved my mother, I think she’s my best friend. But knowing that your mother died from an accident is something that I could not understand.

Now, it’s been weeks. After her tragic death, Natasha decided to cremate her since that’s what mom has always wanted. I never showed up at her funeral, I was too embarrassed with my actions since her death. It was all confusing to me, even though it’s not that hard to understand. When the ceremony happened on that day, Natasha visited me and gave me a tray of food. She demanded that I eat it since I haven’t eaten actual food for the last few weeks. I nodded and ate bits and pieces of the food while she was standing by the doorway to watch me eat. I didn’t finish the food though, I had no energy to. She understood that immediately and left me all alone in an isolating room where I can just rethink my thoughts.

This went on for weeks and weeks until I’m in the last week of graduation. Wanda tried contacting me before the big day, although I always hung up on the phone and continued to just lie down and think. Natasha would often see me – even begged to open the door since I had a lock on it. And every day, she would leave a tray of food on the doorstep – expecting me to eat it. But sometimes, it would be left unfed.

Now, I had to freshen up for the big day. But, I had to wake up earlier since I have gotten slow. Meaning, that I wasn’t as fast as I was before. And I didn’t want to stress Natasha, so I took a long warm bath and wore minimally natural makeup. I put on my robe and saw how much I lost weight, I don’t even know how many pounds I am, but my cheeks say it all.

Natasha came inside my room and was in awe of how I looked. I don’t understand with her kind eyes, maybe she’s just showing sympathy. Either way, I don’t know if I liked it. She smiled tightly and commented, “You look great.”

“Thanks,” I responded, letting out an awkward chuckle. I wore the hat that was on my bed and I watch her as she fixes up my sleeves, looking down at me like a proud mom. Although, I and Natasha always consider ourselves friends. We talked like one, there was no mother and daughter relationship in it. We liked it that way. Well, for her at least.

“You ready?” she asked, pinching my cheek a little that I could feel it prickle against my skin. I nodded weakly, remembering my mom in every movement I made. I know she’ll be proud, I don’t know if she’s a ghost though. I hope not – it would be embarrassing enough for her to watch me as I walked down that stage.

“I’m proud of you, Y/N.” Natasha says, smiling down at me. I could feel her sincerity through the glimpse of her eyes and the way she spoke to me, it kind of made me feel that relief. “I know things won’t get so easy for you and I understand, but I’ll be here every step of the way. Okay?”

It’s like I could trust her with my life.

“Okay,” I nodded, leaning my head against her shoulder until her arms were wrapped around me like a blanket. “Thank you, Natasha.”

For whatever fucked up reason, her grip around me felt too soft. Like, it wasn’t an embrace from a mother – since technically, I don’t see her as one. I was probably overthinking it since I didn’t have this kind of physical contact after almost a month. I felt at home and it all felt too natural.

“Let’s go now, dorogoy.”

                                               —

I was happy that I didn’t trip on my way to the stage. But, everyone was staring at me as if they can’t believe a person who has been isolating themselves had just gotten out of their cage. Wanda was at the bottom of the floor, waiting for me. She knew my anxiety, and she was always there to catch me. Once that was over, I immediately got back to my seat and waited for the whole ceremony to end.

“There’s a graduation party later at night, can we go together?”

Wanda had her arm wrapped around my shoulder, knowing that I could fall at any second. I knew it was too much to ask, but she’s the only person I have right now.

“I don’t know,” I said with a dismissive tone. “I kinda just want to stay at home.”

Wanda sighs and pulls me closer to her, saying: “Come on, you have to go. This is something we should be celebrating about.”

Now, I wasn’t trying to be a “party-pooper” and I really didn’t want to go. Honestly, I didn’t give two fucks about a graduation party. But as I think about it – maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea. Maybe this could take my mind off elsewhere other than just being cooped up in my room; possibly rotting until it reeks of smell. I didn’t have much choice here – and I wanted to have some fun too. It wouldn’t hurt, right?

“Fine,” I murmured, slightly flashing a smirk at Wanda until I could feel a pat on my shoulder. “But, I have to ask Natasha first if she’s okay with it.”

“I hope she does say yes,” Wanda responded. “It’ll be good for you. I promise.”

I smiled tightly at her and opened the school door, seeing Natasha was at the front door of the school with a lit-up cigarette that was in between her lips. She looked up, took it off her mouth, and smiled. Her lips seem to be a little chapped, I could give her my spare chap-stick.

“Hey, there graduate,” Natasha says, putting her cigarette back inside her mouth. I find it annoying that it was so close to my face, I wasn’t so fond of cigarettes. They smell disgusting and could kill you – but if I was asked to have one, I’d probably take it. “Ready to go home? We can celebrate with my famous pasta dish.”

Wanda buts in, “Kind of jealous about that, Mrs. Romanoff. I’d love to try some of that pasta.”

I turned around and looked at Wanda with a questioning stare, she said Mrs. when my mother was obviously dead. Knowing how blunt and talkative she was, I wasn’t really bothered. Although, I’m hoping she doesn’t say something like that again. There was pure regret on Wanda’s face and quickly blabbered, “I–I’m very inconsiderate, I’m so sorry–”

“It’s okay Wanda,” Natasha cuts her off, smiling brightly – too brightly – at her. “Have a good summer, okay?”

Wanda nods and walked away but before I get inside the car, she looks back at me and gives me that look. I should ask Natasha about that party, it would help me a lot – even though it’s stupid. I nodded back and closed the door beside me, sighing through my nose as Natasha started the engine.

“Hey, Nat?”

“Yes?” Natasha responded while looking at the road with her squinted eyes, probably seeing something afar that she didn’t like. I gulped, feeling anxiety building up my throat as I think of words to say before I let it out stupidly. It wasn’t like she was going to be upset about it, she’d understand. She knows what was going on with me, so I’m sure she’ll agree.

“Can I go to a party later? It’s for the new graduates.”

There was a long silence between us, and I could feel her hands gripping the steering wheel hard until her knuckles turned into this kind of white-ish color. She sighs, maybe for too long, and replied with a lower tone in her voice.

“I don’t know, Y/N.”

I raised my eyebrows and tried to interpret what she had said and was surprised by the tone of her voice, especially when her facial expression changed.

“Why not?”

She sighs again and gripped tighter on the wheel, saying: “There will be boys who can drug you–”

“You’re thinking of the worst-case scenario,” I responded, smiling nervously while I could feel both of my hands twitching from fear. Or is it? “I do need this, I need to be… out there. Do you understand what I’m trying to ask, Nat?”

She nods but doesn’t say anything. Was she upset that I even asked her that? There was another broad silence until I sighed painfully loud and murmured, “I won’t go–”

“No, you should.”

Before I could even respond, we were already back in the house and she turned off the engine and turned her head to the side, and looked at me. She bites down her lower lip and whispered, “Just stay safe, okay? Call me if you need a lift.”

When I got inside, I watched as Natasha dropped her jacket on the arm couch and made her way to the patio to light up another cigarette. I could see the way she blew the puff in the air, her head slightly tilted and lolled. I could feel her disappointment, especially in the way she talked to me. I didn’t understand though, because she was just a stepmother to me. Even though she deserves that validation, I still find her as my friend. I just don’t understand or comprehend why she reacted that way.

But oh well.

                                               —

The party was a slob. Most of the people who were in the house weren’t even from our school, and it made Wanda laugh. We had friends from the back and decided to go there with the alcoholic drink that we bought. It’s funny because the house we were in was the richest house in the city. I was kind of surprised that they had no drink. Or, the alcohol itself was in the cupboards and wasn’t allowed to be touched.

I was glad that my anxiety didn’t kick in when I was hanging out with Peter and Wanda since I knew in such a crowded place I could get sick. My friend, Peter, as I mentioned – he used to have this infinite crush on me back in middle school. Though, as a lesbian, I always told him that we were just friends. He then understood that reference when we both got into freshman year.

“Here,” Wanda offered me a small red plastic cup that looked clear. I raised my eyebrows and felt a little sketched up. As my mother always says: Never take a drink from someone else. However, this is Wanda who we are talking about. I’m sure it’ll be fine.

“What’s in this?”

“Vodka,” she smiled – nodding at me to drink it up. “Come on, loosen up a bit. And we’ll dance, okay?”

Peter takes off his blue sweater and I could see his abs through his white shirt, which made me look away since I hate the thought of abs on men. Even Peter. Which made me realize how incredibly homosexual I am.

“I don’t like dancing.” I stated nonchalantly.

“Me neither but this is our last high school party,” she reasoned, pouting a little. “Come on Y/N, just drink it up.”

Bad decision. For the next few hours, I was extremely intoxicated that I was lying down on a hunk of concrete that was near the pool. I shut my eyes, trying to remember who I was just getting close with. She was tall and her hair was sort of braided – like Natasha’s – and couldn’t stop talking to me. I may have talked so much to her that I wasn’t being myself anymore. I lay there for a while, with my red cup in my hand. This went on for fifteen minutes until Wanda found me on the ground, letting out an exasperated gasp.

“Y/N! Jesus,” she brings me up with her arm clung around me, feeling like she was about to collapse me again. “We have to call Natasha, you had too much to drink.”

With the pacing of the time, I didn’t know I was sitting on the side of the road with Wanda when I saw Natasha coming outside of her car, with a slightly annoyed face. I wanted to whimper in fear but instead bowed my head down with shame, I felt incredibly stupid and irresponsible. I wasn’t a reckless child, but tonight I was. And even though it was fun, I felt awful about it – especially through the expressions that Natasha was giving.

“Thank you, Wanda,” she says, helping me up and bringing me into the backseat. I flopped my back against the car cushions and watched them as they had a small conversation. And after that, I may have fallen asleep – barely even remembered anything.

I walked to the living room and sat upright on the couch, sniffing while I watched Natasha slamming the drawers to pour herself a glass of wine on her glass. She drank it, looked at me back, and shook her head. I know she was disappointed, I shouldn’t have done that. How stupid was I?

“Did you know what happened?”

I shook my head, which I was being truthful about. I absolutely don’t know what happened, I was too drunk to know. So, I kept shaking my head until she clicked her tongue behind her teeth. She continued, “Y/N, you broke five glasses in that house. And, a boy was about to grope you.”

“I’m sorry, how did you know about that?” I asked, but I wasn’t being rude. I think. I don’t know what I was doing, but I wanted to know how she knew that part of the story. It wasn’t like I am traumatized by it, men are simply pigs that don’t understand boundaries – it was always religiously in my mind, so zero fucks was given when I knew that.

“Wanda told me.”

I sighed, leaning my head against the arm couch, and replied with a murmur, “I knew what I was doing. Natasha, you don’t have to be worried for me–”

“You don’t understand,” she responded, her tone getting hard with venom in it. I didn’t realize she was that angry at me, I almost felt embarrassed with my actions. “I care for you, Y/N. I know you’re going through a lot–”

“I’m sorry but I’ll have to disagree with that,” I stand up, wiping my eyes roughly on my index finger before I could take a step forward to Natasha who seemed a little taller than me. She was always taller, but this is new. I added, “I know you lost your wife. I do, but I lost my mother too. I respectfully think you understand how much pain I’m dragging along, I haven’t cried ever since my mom died. I know it’s weird and…”

“It’s not weird, Y/N,” Natasha, her voice becoming softer, which was more inviting. She leans against the wooden table until both of her hands are pressed against the wood – holding herself up. “I just don’t want you to be in danger. You’re a little girl, I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

I raised my eyebrows when she called me a little girl, which I find cute – yet a little concerning. She has never called me that, not once. Or maybe, I was just very intoxicated that I don’t understand what she was telling me. So, I shrugged it off and went to the stairs, looking back at her and smiling lazily.

“Thank you for bringing me back home,” I said with a higher pitch in my voice – which was unusual. She smiled at me, wrapped her arms around her body, and licked in between her lips; it was dry.

“Of course.”

I gave her one last time and went up to my room, closing the door before I could feel my cheeks burning up a little. It was from the alcohol that I took, it was definitely that. I washed my face with cold water and decided to sleep naked tonight – since I was lazy enough to find clothes that were in my walk-in closet; my closet wasn’t even that big anyway. I was just being a baby.

I kept thinking about Natasha’s reaction when I couldn’t sleep. It kept replaying in my head, somehow that wasn’t a worry from a mother. It was something else that I couldn’t put into words with. I felt my skin prickling whenever her arms were wrapped around me, especially today. Something felt different, I know it.

I just don’t know how to explain or word it out.

taglist: @sayah13​ @lizzieolsen89​ @marvelwomen-simp​ @when-wolves-howl​ @cmfouatslota77​ @riles-is-an-idiot​ @ygtft-chen​ @aru-son​ 

#natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff x you #natasha romanoff fanfic #natasha angst #cwyd series #natasha romanoff #black widow x reader #black widow x you #dark!natasha #dark!natasha romanoff x reader

[gayerthanevertbh]

conversations with your demons - part 5.

summary | you spend your time with natasha, who’s taking your virginity. after that encounter, there are flashes of regret in your face. she was there to comfort you, although it felt different. warnings | 18+ YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! top!natasha, smut, pet names, loss of virginity (r receiving), bleeding (brief), natasha being a little unhinged, and a little angst in the end. let me know if there’s more. notes | this is not my proudest work, but lucian told me it was alright. i hope you enjoy this! mistakes are all mine, let me know what else to add to my warnings. series masterlist | masterlist | tag list series

She undresses me with the softest fingers, her lips attached to mine while doing so. I was barely an expert, couldn’t understand or even try to touch her – but I was there, holding her neck while her calloused palms traveled up to my ribs, holding me so gently. I was now topless in front of her, my nipples hardening when the cold mystic air hit them. Natasha looks at me with wanting eyes, but kind. It was as if she understood that I would never let anyone touch me, and the way she even held me made me feel so safe with her – like I could really trust her.

“Can I take off yours too?” I asked timidly, my eyes fluttering shut when her tongue darts out on my neck, making a swiping motion. She gives a long hum and pulls away from my marked neck, nodding. I quickly hooked my fingers on the hem of her black tank top and pulled it upwards – almost gasping when I could see her sports bra along with her hard abs that were shown to my face; godly. Oh, how incredibly beautiful she was. My throat began to tighten with an image of her fingers wrapping around my neck while pumping inside my–

“Lay back down sweetheart,” she softly commands, kicking off her sweatpants until I she was fully nude. We stared at each other, somehow thinking if this was a good idea. For me, it was – I think it was since there was a moment in my life where I thought about her taking my virginity, but this was just recent. There’s also this thought that she might have regrets, maybe even thinking she could have possibly taken advantage of me. It was consensual, of course. She brings her hands to my breasts slowly and moaned quietly when my perked nipples hit against her palm.

“You’re going to be the death of me, baby girl…” she mutters, firmly groping my breasts while my hips were pressed against hers. Natasha thought about how small and fit well my breasts were with her rough hands, how much she longed for them ever since she has those thoughts about me. It made her feel the youth that she always longed for, the feeling of being in love again. She thought about it for a while if she has possibly fallen in love with me, but maybe she has.

I lifted my face up to kiss her again, her lip was taking my lower one. She brought her hands to my back – pulling me close to her until we were in a make-out session that we made. Her tongue danced around mine while her other hand was threaded through my wet hair, pulling me possessively closer to her face. Natasha grunts softly and pulls away with our lips smacking, she smiles at me and says: “Are you sure about this?”

Was I ready for this? The answer was yes, I definitely was. There was no one else who could possibly take my virginity other than Natasha – who I seemed to long for as well as she longed for me. I cupped her warm cheeks, almost making my heart flutter when her right cheek leaned against the palm of my hand. I nodded and slowly kissed the tip of her nose. “Yes, bear. I’m sure.”

She gently me back on the soft mattress and kisses my lower lip, then on to my jaw as her fingers danced on the skin of my waist – giving a comforting sensation, letting me know that I was only safe with her. She bent her head down and smiled to herself when I was only wearing pink lacey underwear with a tiny ribbon in the middle. Naughty thoughts flooded through her head like a maniac, and she wanted to fuck me at this minute. Her hand slowly travels to my panties and took a peek inside it. I could hear her say with a chuckle: “You’re shaved, huh little one? I like it shaved.”

I could feel my lower stomach tingling with need as she says those words expertly. She lifted her head once again and smirked down at me, kissing my full lips with her wet mouth. Inside her mouth was warm and so inviting, that I could let her kiss me for hours. She pulls away again and spreads my legs open, slowly maneuvering herself down while giving a peck on the skin of my stomach. Once her lips were at my belly button, she kisses it twice with a desperate whine. I didn’t know Natasha could be so needy when it involved sexual intercourse. Although, I also did notice that she liked to be the dominant one – especially with her words that slip out of her tongue pretty easily. It was fine with me, I liked it that way.

She hooks her fingers into the hem of my panties and pecks down on my pelvis, her eyes glued to mine. I flexed my abdomen when she pulled down the cotton underwear very slowly, teasing me for that matter. When it was finally off, we were both naked and I could feel how nervous I was then. She notices it because when she touched my waist, I flinched. Her eyes darted back to mine and asked, “Are you okay? Do you still want to do this baby?”

I nodded vigorously – as if I can’t control my arousal – and mewled out: “Touch me, bear. Please touch me, I can’t take it…”

She smiled down at me and got in between my legs, watching her as she knelt on the bed with her hands back to my breasts. I loved how she squeezes it gently, her eyes rolling in the back of her head when she tweaked my nipples. Without holding her hunger, she leaned down and sucked on my left nipple – growling underneath her breath. I arched my back as I shrieked with pain and pleasure, but she pushes me back down softly and covers my mouth with her hand. She pulls away with a string of saliva from my breast, and said to me: “You’re gonna have to keep that mouth quiet, okay? I’m sorry baby.”

I nodded yet again and she removed her hands away from my mouth, smiling when my face was all flustered and red. I whispered, “Can you lick me down there, please? I’m sorry–Ah!– I can’t help it…”

Natasha slowly goes back down to my body, her lips trailing painfully good on the skin of my stomach until her lips were now hovering on my bare cunt. I could feel her warm breath on my clit, her panting that felt too animalistic. I looked down at her and caught her eyes on me and she held my hips close. Before I could even muster out a word – she swipes her tongue in the middle of my folds, moaning to create a vibration that electrifies my veins. I flopped my head back on the pillow as I gripped onto the sheets, her tongue devouring my cunt. She moans, but more like a growl since it vibrated choppily as her nails sunk into the flesh of my thighs – making me cover my mouth in order to scream.

“You taste amazing,” she praises, her eyes fluttering with euphoria as she laps on my cunt, sucking both of my folds eagerly. I wrapped my hand around her reddish hair as she continued to eat my core like an expert – which she was. She pulls her mouth away from my folds and spits on it, the tip of her fingers spreading the slimy substance around my folds, then to my hole. She examines that hole of mine, almost smiling to herself when she can see how I’m clenching my hole. Natasha can obviously tell that I wanted to be touched, and without even thinking – the tip of her tongue licks my hole, dragging it.

“Natasha! Oh god,” I mewled loudly as I covered my face with my wet palm from my mouth a while ago, her tongue relentlessly flicking on my hole as she pulls my hips further to hers until practically her face is glued to my cunt. She eats it vigorously, her skilled tongue making circular motions onto my fat nub clit, and whispers: “Your pussy belongs to me, baby girl. Only me, fuck–look how cute this fucking hole is, can’t wait to shove up my fingers up to your cunt.”

I didn’t know that she could be vocally good in bed, how she knew what to say each minute when she couldn’t stop lapping into my cunt. I was honestly impressed. My hips gyrate onto her face while my hand was gripping the pillow beside me, making me hold the orgasm that I’m almost about to reach. Natasha pulled herself up until she was hovering over me instead of my cunt. She leans back down and kisses me, moaning when I could taste myself in her mouth. She spreads my legs once more and brought her fingers back to my cunt, rubbing my sensitive clit gently. She almost whined in disappointment when I pulled away from her lips, my eyes looking back down at the action that she was creating.

“Tell me to stop,” she says, her voice sounding unfamiliar – full of need. “Please baby, tell me to stop. I can’t let myself hurt you once I’m finally inside of you…”

Her voice sounded nervous, but with excitement. I cupped her cheek again and kissed the tip of her nose, knowing how much that caused a big effect on her. I whispered, “Make love to me, Natasha. I promise that you won’t hurt me.”

“Yeah?” she coos, dancing her fingers comfortingly around my waist and kissing my cheek twice. “You gonna let me take you? Be my good girl?”

I love how she called me her good girl. The way it just slips out of her tongue so easily makes my cunt even wetter than before. She leaned down to kiss me as her other arm was holding her body up beside my head.

“Did that taste good?” she asked with a sultry voice. My head nods, still tasting myself from her mouth as I could feel her fingers back to my cunt again, near my small hole. We were both breathing hard when she had two fingers on my slight gaping hole – but not inside yet. She pulls away from my ear and looks down at me, then I could feel her fingers pushing inside of me as Natasha groans in satisfaction; an animalistic groan perhaps. I almost let out a scream when her thick fingers pushed deep inside of me, my hands flung to her back as I held her close – feeling my walls clench hard around her long fingers that were still thrusting inside of me.

“Jesus you’re so tight…” Natasha whispers in a deep voice, her mouth connecting to mine with a whine. I pull away slightly but she shakes her head, her mouth trying to catch mine. “Does that feel good? Want me to stop?”

I never wanted her to stop. In fact, I wanted her to ruin me to the brim. I held her tightly while my nails sank into her back, scratching it as she gave me a hard thrust, curling her fingers to hit that spot that I never knew was there. I nodded and kissed her lips, not knowing what else to do. I whispered with a high-pitched moan, “Please go harder, oh god–I can’t, you feel so good!”

Natasha was practically drooling at the sight of my neediness. She looks down briefly to see her fingers all the way inside me and pulls out – pushing back in again but it was a very hard demanding thrust. She continued at that pace, her eyes set on me as I whined with each of her fingers thrusting inside my not-so-virgin hole, gripping her back tighter. She growls on my face, “I can’t believe I’m taking you right now, though I’d never do it…”

She gropes my right breast for a few seconds and continues to fuck me onto the mattress, hearing her grunt with arousal. I could feel how close I was as the tip of her two fingers were hitting my spot. I shut my eyes, but with the simple command that Natasha gave me – opening them back again.

I was met with her hooded green eyes that spoke with so much determination that I couldn’t figure out. She leans on my right breast and sucks on my nipple while fucking me with her two fingers, my cunt being loose as each thrust produces. I was so lost in the feeling of her fingers when I didn’t know that I was bleeding. And when I saw her fingers being coated with my blood, I pushed her upper stomach and sat up on the headboard; covering both of my hands on my cunt. She looks up at me with worry and places both of her palms on my upper arm.

“Baby–”

“I think I’m on my period,” I started with a whisper and looked away from her eyes. I felt embarrassed that I didn’t know I was on my period when we were having my first time. But I could see at the side of my eye that she was shaking her head, her arms not letting go from my shoulders and pulling me even closer to her – kissing my head to calm me down, because I was trembling when I first saw the blood that came out from my vagina.

“No baby,” she disagrees softly and kisses my lips, surprised that I invited her in. God, her lips are so soft – it felt so subtle and sweet. “That’s not period blood, that’s–It usually happens when it’s your first time.”

Now I feel even more embarrassed. I was just freaking out a minute ago, and now this older woman tells me that it wasn’t even my menstrual blood? I whined in an unsettling way and covered myself with my knees, but Natasha pushed down my legs and lifted my chin up with her fingers. She shakes her head and smiles, then chuckles.

“It’s not funny.” I murmured, rolling my eyes at her as she kept laughing – being fond of my innocence. She then pecks on my lips again and spreads my legs open once more, getting herself in between them and before she could thrust back in, she whispers: “It kind of turns me on when you’re bleeding.”

Now it was my turn to laugh back, but I tilted my head in confusion.

“Why’s that?” I asked softly, more like intimidated when she’s so close to my face. The Russian sighs and pulls my front against hers, possessively bringing her mouth close to my ear, and whispers hungrily: “Because it means that I am really your first.”

It makes me wonder if she has this kink of taking someone’s virginity, although it was inappropriate to even think about that because it could be untrue. But as she fucks me hard on the mattress with three of her fingers buried deep inside me, it shows that she does probably have a kink over that.

With each hard thrust she makes, I was a moaning mess. Her lips were on my neck, lapping her tongue on my purple mark skin as the squelching wet sounds fills up my room, the bed starting to squeak with every hard pump. She pulls away with a snap of her thrust and growls, “You’re mine, Y/N. I don’t want anyone–Fucking hell–to take you or to even look at you, you’re all mine. Promise me that you’re all mine…”

I never knew this side of her, it all felt too possessive and dominating. It didn’t make me uncomfortable though, in fact – it brought me to my orgasm even closer as she whispers the dirtiest words that I’ve ever heard. She probably watches a lot of pornography, or maybe she’s that experienced. Either way, she held me as if protecting me and thrusts hard inside me for one last time before I fell apart underneath her. I screamed into her neck – possibly echoing against the sandstone walls. Natasha looks down at me with a profound face, her fingers still buried deep inside of me yet still thrusting; but slower this time. I flopped my entire back onto the mattress as she went down beside my body, pulling me in until I passed out my head onto her chest.

                                                        /

I woke up in the middle of the night, feeling my chest grow heavier when I saw the sight of Natasha beside me. I looked at the window shutters and saw that the skies are very deep blue, just like the sea. It was probably around five in the morning, everyone was still asleep. I looked back again at her and felt the guilt that was pounding in my chest; begging to be released. Was this a normal feeling after your first time? My friends used to say that it would feel nice but there could be guilt, and this was the guilt that I’m feeling right at this moment. I thought about the people who could know our questionable relationship, what would my mother’s side say if they knew we slept together? What about hers? Would they criticize such an indecent thing?

A whimper started to develop out of my mouth and leaned against the headboard, pulling the thick comforter all the way up to my chest. I didn’t feel uncomfortable after our sexual encounter, but I felt guilty when I realized how incredibly wrong it was. She was practically my mother, my mother’s wife. I was her daughter, a child to be taken care of. But as I and Natasha say that we never saw each other that way, it didn’t really affect me much before. So far.

She flutters her eyes open and looks at her side – noticing that I am awake. She then gives me a tired smile and lifts herself up, wrapping her arms around me like a bear. The redhead beside me kisses the side of my hair softly – until she realizes that I was whimpering quietly and soon enough, her arms were wrapped around my upper body as I flinched at the sudden interaction of our skin. Natasha presses her forehead against my temple and whispers cooingly, “My love, are you alright?”

There was a long pause before I could even answer, her heart breaking as my voice broke.

“This is wrong.”

We sat there for a minute, letting Natasha process the words that came out of my mouth. There was this sense inside of her that it was indeed wrong but, her pride never let it overtake her. She continues to scratch my head in a loving matter, like a cat and kisses my cheek – trying to at least calm me down.

“No baby, it’s not.”

I shook my head in return and whimpered, letting my body mold with hers as I laid my head on her chest – hearing her heart beating fast. It did somehow calm me down a bit, her arms were very much inviting and comfortable; even her heartbeat.

“Do you feel guilty about this?” I looked at her more and saw how utterly heartbroken she was from my whimpers, maybe a sense of regret that plastered on my face that she knew. Then, I could feel her hands cup my cheek and lean down to kiss me, twice. Our foreheads touch perfectly well – it was as if we were made for each other to mend – and I could feel her mouth near mine, saying: “Look at me, baby.”

I choked out a cry and our noses touched – that I could feel my stomach fluttering with joy. But as our conversation deepens, I finally realize that my life will be turned upside down after our interaction. Will it be that bad? I was afraid of criticism, and the disgusted look that people will give us. It was a tough situation, very tough. My family knows that Natasha is my stepmother, possibly her family’s side too. But I don’t always hear from them – which is a little concerning. I never asked her about it, though.

“I’m just scared Natasha,” I tell her, my voice changing into this unpleasant tone. She didn’t notice that though, she never does. Instead – she pulls me closer to her naked body and I could feel her lips pressing against the top of my head; treating me like I’m some fragile kid. “Will they hate us?”

“I can assure you that no one will hurt you here.”

“But how about outside from your family?” I asked, my voice suddenly rising. She looks at me skeptically – as if I wasn’t allowed to raise my voice at her despite her eyebrows scrunching together and her mouth twitching. Was it anger? Or maybe, was it me raising my voice. I felt small and lowered my head down instead.

She kisses my head and repeats with her tone deepens: “I can promise that they will not hurt you, angel. No one will, you’re safe with me.”

Something about her holding me seemed a little different, like it was possessive and controlling. There are no other words left for me to think of other than that adjective and a verb. Possessive and controlling. In other cases, I didn’t mind the way she held me and her lips touching each skin I have. Maybe that was the way of her showing love, maybe just that.

Either way, it felt different. Awfully different.

“I love you, sweet girl,” she says with a tiny whisper and a hoarse voice, making my head lift to see her beautiful smile. And there she was, smiling down at me like I’m the love of her life. “You gonna love me forever too?”

It felt so unpromising but it was Natasha, I might as well love her forever. But it felt too rushed, everything felt rushed. In every aspect of my move, a new chapter keeps coming up and I’m not even done reading the other ones. Maybe this was normal when you’re into someone that is bad and good, it’s probably the way she just smiles at me that felt innocent and surreal – or even compelling. And how gently and clement how she holds my face and my body makes me fall in love with her.

If she was sick as I am, then I might as well agree with that. We were both sick, but is there something that I don’t know about her?

let me know your thoughts! <3

taglist: @sayah13 @lizzieolsen89 @marvelwomen-simp @when-wolves-howl @cmfouatslota77 @riles-is-an-idiot @ygtft-chen @aru-son @karmasgxrl  @natszn @d14n4ol @hitthatsnappy @natasharomanoffswifeyyy @simpforolderwomen @fluffypanda1603 @whore4nat @trashbod​ @katherineromanova​ @aliancvnas​ @its-just-geek​ @blckwidowsbf​ @raqelacevedo (i’m sorry i can’t tag any of you, it won’t work :( )    

#natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff x you #natasha angst #natasha romanoff x yn #natasha romanoff x fem reader #black widow x reader #black widow x you #cwyd series

[gayerthanevertbh]

conversations with your demons - part 4.

pairing | step-mom!natasha x fem!reader (romantic)

summary | you and her have finally have heart-to-heart and you didn’t expect the outcome of it.

warnings | DARK THEMES INVOLVED! jealous!nat, hard tensions, and consensual kissing and touching. 18+!

notes | i hope you enjoy this one! this was a little hard to write, i tried making it perfect. anyway, i hope you enjoy! mwah mwah mwah x

series masterlist | masterlist | taglist for this series (GIF not mine!)

Natasha and I drove to the seafood market to buy the food we need around dinnertime since Steve and her are going to be making a delicious treat for tonight. When I woke up, she was already knocking on my door and I had to wear my cardigan quickly to not disappoint her – maybe she’ll think I’d forgotten our little trip to the market.

“I’m glad that you’re here with me today,” Natasha mentions to me while we walk around to find a big fish. There were many fishes except that they were smaller than I expected. Then she added, “No one dared to come with me since they hate the smell of the fresh market.”

“I don’t see that’s a problem,” I responded, which was a fact. She exchanges chuckles.

“You’re right, it’s not a problem. Although people do prefer going grocery shopping rather than food marketing. Here, it’s cheaper and fresher than the grocery store.”

“They don’t have a taste then,” I joked and I wasn’t surprised that she laughed. “Should I buy shrimp? Steve said he needed one kilo of those.”

She nods, turned to me, and asked: “Yeah, could you get those for me? Here’s some cash.”

My whole body ignited when both of our skins touched like it was a foreign feeling that I have never felt before. Maybe it was because I was still sleepy, but I can surely say that it felt a little off or different. I can’t choose. I decided to not mind it and went to the shrimp aisle when I saw someone walking toward me.

“Are you a foreigner?” a woman asked, who has nice blonde hair all the way to her shoulder.

“Yes, I’m not from here,” I responded with a rejoinder laugh, finding it amusing when they could tell that I wasn’t from here. Then, she smiles – although widely this time.

“It’s nice to see a foreigner here,” they say. “I’m Carol Danvers, I’m also a foreigner. But I’ve lived here for almost five years.”

Carol Danvers. It sounded like an American name, a local one. And she didn’t look like any other French people so I was not that surprised that she was also a foreigner just like me.

“Nice to meet you, Carol Danvers, I’m Y/N.”

We stared at each other. I liked the way her smile reaches up to her eyes, it felt genuine and real – as if she was happy that I’m in front of her. She looked more vulnerable than anyone else did, so I was sort of taken back by surprise somehow. And as soon as we were going to exchange hands, Natasha came up to me with an edging face.

“I already bought the shrimp,” she mentioned to me, and I turned around to see that she does have a bag of shrimp – which made me feel bad since I didn’t focus on my task. I looked up and gave her an apologetic smile, completely in full regret.

“I’m so sorry, Natasha–”

“It’s fine,” she cuts me off with a deeper voice, her eyes didn’t leave Carol’s. She then averts her eyes back to me and added, “I’ll go back to the car.”

Natasha was definitely not amused, it was probably because I so succumbed to my conversation with Carol. But I didn’t seem to understand why she had to react that way, so I sighed and turned to Carol, who looked a little confused – which I could tell from her face.

“I have to go Carol but it’s so nice to meet you.” I didn’t even let her say a word as I turned my back and marched my way back to the car. I see Natasha in the front, who has a cigarette out of the window with her fingers with no expression on her face. Or that was just me considering that I’m thinking of the worst-case scenario. I sat in the front, closing the door beside me quietly, and smiled kindly at her. “Shall we go?”

She didn’t respond and threw out the cigarette – it wasn’t even finished – and turned on her engine, driving away with a screech that I’m almost certain that she is upset with me. I knew I was being reckless, I should’ve bought the shrimps first before being flirtatious with someone – I’d say it that way – and done as I was told. But the more that I try to look at her, the more that it seems like she didn’t want to talk to me. So I just sat back and stayed quiet.

On the way home, we didn’t speak. Well, I was trying to make a conversation but Natasha only gave me a simple nod and kept her eyes on the bumpy road. The embarrassment runs through my veins and I realize that I was annoying. I looked out of the window and watched as the car moved at a faster pace, but not in a dangerous way. When we arrived at the beach house, she came out first and walked briskly to the kitchen while I was holding the bag and followed her there.

As I placed the bag on the countertop, I asked timidly: “Are you mad at me? If you are, can you please just say it–”

“I’m not,” she cuts me off with a nonchalant tone, turning around and giving me a quick smile – then turning back as she washes the fish on a silver bowl. She added, “You can go now. Have fun.”

She was beyond upset, I knew she was. It all says on her face and her body posture – it was broad but also slouchy. Her voice range changed too, turning into this kind of a dominant person when she wasn’t like that with me at all. This was the first time I’ve upset her, and it’s making me feel guilty and a bad kid. So, I just turned around and went back to my room – trying to hold the tears in my eyes. I was a very emotional person, especially when someone is angry with me or mean; even scolded, I may add. I sat on the edge of the bed, wondering what went wrong. I could feel a thump in my temple each time that scene replays in my head, then it hits me.

Was she jealous?

Can’t be, it was ridiculous for me to think that way. I’m sure she wasn’t, what kind of a person would assume that way quickly? But it was a simple assumption, it’s not like I’m making it a real theory. But it could also be that, maybe. I was confused and disheartened a while ago that I think I wouldn’t see her for the whole day.

I hope I don’t, I felt ashamed.

A few hours later, all of us were in this lake – a few minutes away from the beach. Michelle and Peter were by my side while we walked through the forest, noticing that there was much higher grass surrounding us. And once we were by the lake, my legs were itching really bad. As expected, Natasha wasn’t still talking to me. In fact, she won’t even look me in the eye and didn’t respond much to Steve’s questions or his little stories about New York. I think Michelle noticed my distress, but hopefully, she won’t ask anything about it.

My body was in the water while the others were on the other side, playing and swimming around. I could see Tony splashing Clint (I’m not sure if that’s his name) on the face, which made me giggle wholeheartedly. Peter was with them while I was with Michelle, feeling the waves hit our faces.

                                                       —

“Are you not going to take a swim?” asked Steve while taking off his white shirt. Natasha sighed and sat down on the towel that was placed on the sand, admiring the view instead. Because if she swims today, she knows that her sudden urge for Y/N will get worse. It’s not like she hated the girl – probably far from that. It’s because of how envious she was when the girl that she’s not supposed to admire, was talking to a woman that was probably her age – or maybe younger. It felt utterly ridiculous and childish, but can she blame herself for it? Y/N was an attractive young adult with glimmering eyes that everyone was staring at. She has a kind heart and voice, which makes Natasha comfortable whenever they have a chat. But most of all, she was everything that a woman could ever be. Natasha merely thinks she’s the perfect girl.

Why?

“No,” Natasha says, shrugging her shoulders to interpret what she’s trying to say. Her eyes never left her book. “I’ll be sitting here for a while.”

Steve notices the way his friend’s response and posture, it’s obvious that there was something wrong – and he already has an idea of what it is about. So, he sat by her side and asked: “She’s too young for you, Nat.”

“You don’t have a say in that,” Natasha grumbled, closing her book audibly and turning her head to the side to look at Steve. “Tony fucks women who are in their twenties. Sometimes even eighteen-year-old girls, and yet – you don’t say anything! So why is it different for me?”

In Steve’s defense, he and Natasha have had heart-to-heart ever since they were children. With Tony, it was only business until their friendship grew into a great bond. With Natasha, it was like his family. Natasha was his family, and he didn’t want to see Natasha being fooled by a younger girl who will experiment on their life. They were pushing their forties, and it was time for them to settle down – so he always had a say on those things, especially whenever it came to Natasha.

“You know why.”

She scoffs loudly, rolling her eyes with slight annoyance.

“I don’t understand, you’re supposed to be like my brother,” she says, shaking her head in response to her statement. She added quickly: “What’s wrong with loving a younger woman who’s the right age? It wasn’t like I’m defiling her, plus–I don’t even know if me and her will ever happen. She probably likes that woman in that fucking market.”

“Then let her talk to the girl,” said Steve with a stern voice, acting like he has more authority than Natasha does. It makes the redhead think that everything she’s feeling or thinking is awful – which it was in the first place. She shrugs her shoulders, probably her way of trying to at least apologize for having these unexplainable feelings that she feels toward Y/N. It was getting harder for her every day, especially a while ago when she behaved like a child.

She whispers almost inaudibly, “I can’t. I don’t want her to fall in love with someone who might not be me.”

The air thickens between them as the tension grows like a fire, spreading everywhere. Natasha looked quite upset, while Steve was disappointed – but with a solemn look. She stands up and walks away, thudding her feet against the sand while she averts her eyes to the girl in the sea; who was having a fun time. She felt guilty, disgusted, and horrific. Natasha would never go this far with liking someone – but in her eyes, Y/N was different for her. Everything about that girl was on a whole other level. She was beautiful and breathtaking and it was hard enough for her not to lean her lips against her warm cheeks or her wet lips. She thought about it every day and night, every given moment.

And that’s what makes her sick.

                                                   —

The rest of the people were by the campfire while I was cleaning the table, looking at Natasha’s back. She was very quiet today, especially since that morning when everything changed like crazy. I don’t know what else to do nor even approach her and ask: are you upset with me? The thought goes by on and on until it bugs me, making me think I’m possibly insane – or perhaps, I was.

My body made a few steps toward her and I curved a tight lip smile on my face, asking: “Can I help you with that?”

There was a quick pause until she shook her head, still cleaning the dishes on the sink. It got too quiet for us and it was my sort of queue to walk away. So, I sighed – on purpose – and added with a trembling voice, “If you’re upset with me, just say it. I don’t like it when you don’t talk it out.”

I felt bold and also ashamed for some fucked up reason. I didn’t know what else to say other than just telling her to approach me with good intentions – hopefully, that could happen. I walked away without looking back, somehow hoping that she’ll have a heart-to-heart with me later tonight or tomorrow. If not then, I might just be stuck in my room for the rest of the month until we all go on with our lives.

Closing the heavy white door behind me, I decided to take off all my clothes and bathe myself with cold water for tonight. There was warm water too, except that I wanted to feel the sudden prickle that shocks my skin severely. I wanted to cry until I fell asleep, which was a little dramatic but I’ve never felt this much burden inside of me for years. Perhaps she only makes me feel this way – that sometimes I get so nervous around her that it almost makes my stomach twist into knots. It was funny though, too. Although it was also true. I could be a comedian out of this story.

My hair was still a little damp once I laid my head on the softest pillows, sighing through my nose. I could feel my chest shaking, even my throat. I try not to fall asleep crying tonight, it would make my face all dry when I wake up. I could hear the faint whooshing of the sea as I tried to imagine my feet on the water, feeling the sand all over my heels. I could smell the fresh saltwater and inhale it, feeling the peacefulness that warms all over my body like a bear. However, Natasha was my bear. She’ll always be my bear.

I don’t even know if she’s still my bear.

It’s cliche and stupid, calling her bear sounds like an immature child. But I’ve always called her that name ever since I met her since she was all cuddly and soft, but I could feel her hardened arms whenever she wrapped them around my tiny waist. Still, she was like a bear that likes to hug. And then I realized how much I’d been thinking about her so I shook my head and played with my fingers until I did my best to fall asleep.

Except that wasn’t the case, because someone is knocking on my door right now – in the middle of the night. I rolled my eyes hypothetically in my head and stomped my way to the door, opening it with such surprise on my face; but it wasn’t plastered.

Natasha came in without saying a word, but a soft smile crept on her face. I closed the door behind us as I watched her sit on the edge of the bed, her other leg tucked in her thigh, and waited for me to come towards her. I could feel my heart beating like a loud bell with each step I make, with every glance I take. She looked very tired with her hooded dark green eyes and her wrinkled gray shirt. I sat down by the headboard and pulled up my knees, pressing it against my chest – as if trying to protect myself, not really knowing why.

She coughs, her voice deepens, and says: “I’m sorry, Y/N. I know I was being an asshole this day but I’m very sorry about what happened.”

A moment of silence hung awkwardly between us. I tuck my lower lip through my teeth and play with my thumb, anxiousness popping out of my veins. She looked at me with her teary eyes, it looked like she was about to cry which is something I don’t hope for tonight. Because if she does cry, I know I’ll get myself in that situation too.

Before I could even say anything, she said in a whisper, “I was jealous of your conversation with that woman at the market, I don’t…Well, I do know why it’s just that–I don’t think I can say it.”

I breathed the air inside of my lungs and asked with such intimidation inside of me: “Try at least, I just want to understand why you were… jealous.”

I have a feeling that I know where this was going, it was like reading a book that you love and you remember every sentence and every scene that was played out in that story. And with this, I had a feeling that this story was similar in my head to what I’m reading. Not in a literal sense, but it also could be that way. I watch the way she shakes her head – as if denying it to her own self. Natasha took a deep breath and inched closer to me until both of our faces were near each other, like intimately.

I could feel my heart stop when she spoke those words.

“I have feelings for you that I don’t know how to interpret. Ever since you turned eighteen a few months after your birthday, I could feel myself lingering closer to you. The more that you comfort me at my lowest, the more that I’m attracted to you. Remember when your mother was not home and I was drunk because of our fight? You were there to take care of me, especially my bruises.”

I tried to speak but she didn’t let me finish, her face coming closer to mine dangerously, and continued: “I know I shouldn’t, God you have no idea how much I’ve fought this feeling inside of me. But when you were talking to that girl I just can’t keep this feeling inside of me anymore. Y/N, I think I’m falling in love with you and you gotta tell me to stop in order for me to move on. Please, tell me to stop. Because I will.”

We stared right into each other’s eyes, and it got my breath hitch the full minute of her confessing those feelings. My lips felt chapped as my eyes were becoming watery at this point, it almost felt too pathetic. This was spritely wrong in so many ways, yet behind closed doors – nothing was wrong with whatever this was between us. She gulps, slowly trailing her eyes to my lips and I could sense the desperation inside of her that she wanted to kiss my lips, we were utterly close.

She whispers again hotly into my mouth, “Tell me to stop, detka. Please tell me to stop, tell me to stop loving you.”

“Don’t stop.”

She enclosed her lips into mine, pulling me in with her hands that were now attached to both of my waists. Her mouth and hands felt possessive, a good kind of way that makes me feel so alive and real – it almost felt too surreal at this point. She tilts her head and groans, sucking my bottom lip with her teeth nibbling at it. If I was going, to be honest, this was my first kiss. And she probably doesn’t know that, especially the way my mouth felt so still when she kissed it. Natasha brings her hand to my cheek, caressing it softly with her thumb, and pulled away – our foreheads now touching.

“That was my first kiss,” I whispered to her, my eyes still closed from our session that we just made. I could hear a hoarse quiet laugh and it made me giggle, not feeling so ashamed about it anymore. I always thought about guys or girls kissing me for the first time, and this was better than I expected.

“I know,” she responded, her pelvis now pressed against mine – like we were molded. I opened my eyes slowly and saw that she was gazing at mine as if she was in awe of me. I was definitely in much awe of her. She kept thumbing my cheek, bringing it up and down in motion, and kissed my lips again – although it was a peck this time. “I’ll take good care of you, baby. I promise.”

Baby. It was such a cute name that it sent shivers down my spine – in a very good way. The way it rolls out of her lips so perfectly well makes my heart swell with joy. I cupped her cheek with both my hands, gasping quietly when it felt warm. Was she blushing? I hope so because I was too.

“I also haven’t had sex.” I mentioned, it's almost making me regret that I have said that. Although she smiled in the brightest way possible, letting her tell me silently that it was okay.

“I haven’t had sex in a year so, I guess we’re kind of the same.”

“Except that you’re no longer a virgin.” I humored.

She laughed in such an angelic way and responded with a nod. Leaning her lips to the corner of my lips and whispered, “Will you allow me to take yours, doll?”

I swear my core starts to beat rapidly as she says those words to me. I looked down between us and saw how her core rested against mine, almost feeling her heat. I moaned quietly when she started thrusting upwards gently and slowly, being a tease. I’ve watched women do this on videos, and it was even better in real life. I got to feel the way she was holding me like a fragile girl while her warm core was molded with my tiny shorts. She groans, pulling me closer until our fronts are pressed hard at each other.

“Yeah,” I said, nodding while I peck her upper lip – making her smile. “Yeah, you can take it. I trust you enough to do that.”

Natasha holds me close, leaning close to my face until she captures my lips once again – although this time, it felt more passionate and intimidating. And when she holds me down by her hand, I could feel my heart bursting into something magnificent, yet so challenging and risky.

“Let’s get naked, yeah?”

let me know if you want me to write the whole first-time thing in the next chapter. <3 

taglist: @sayah13 @lizzieolsen89 @marvelwomen-simp @when-wolves-howl @cmfouatslota77 @riles-is-an-idiot @ygtft-chen @aru-son @karmasgxrl  @natszn @d14n4ol @hitthatsnappy @natasharomanoffswifeyyy @simpforolderwomen @fluffypanda1603 @whore4nat @trashbod​ @katherineromanova​ @aliancvnas​ @its-just-geek​ (i’m sorry i can’t tag any of you, it won’t work :( )  

#natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff x you #natasha romanoff fanfic #black widow x reader #natasha romanoff #natasha angst #dark!natasha #dark!natasha romanoff x reader #cwyd series #soft!natasha romanoff

[gayerthanevertbh]

conversations with your demons - part three.

pairing | step-mom!natasha x fem!reader (romantic)

summary | you and natasha have a little vacation in france with her friends and feelings are starting to get involved for the both of you. 

warnings | DARK THEMES INVOLVED! fluff (somehow), slight argument, natasha’s pretty unhinged here, mentions of panic attack, and more. 18+!

notes | i loved loved LOVED this part. i think it was well written for me, i don’t know about ya’ll but i do hope you enjoy this chapter. <3

series masterlist | masterlist | taglist for this series

The time I spent with Natasha on the plane was quiet. Too quiet – if I’m going, to be honest. I was by the window while she was reading a book from her phone on the plane, swiping once in a while and I would catch a glimpse of her chuckling to herself. Maybe I was investigating her in a way that I find uncomfortable, but hoping she doesn’t know that – it’ll be too awkward. But then sometimes, she would ask me how I was feeling or if I wanted to watch something on her computer. Though I’d tell her I was okay and she would give me a sincere smile that sends these tingling feelings all the way to my stomach.

I had a lot of questions for her and wanted to understand and know about the infamous Natasha Romanoff – I exaggerated there – but it leaves me all curious at how quiet she was. I wanted to ask: are you a jovial, playful, or prude woman that likes to stare at me once in a while? But that was metaphorically considering that she would turn those questions down. It probably meant nothing, I would, later on, think she was just kind and sweet.

When we landed safely on the ground, I realized that we were in Les Estables – somewhere in South-central France. Natasha mentioned to me that a man will pick us up; probably Steve. I never knew her friends that well, maybe because I don’t ask a lot about her personal life nor did my mom ever talk about it with me once. But Steve seemed like a nice guy, was he the guy who has a beach house?

“You’re quiet,” she mentioned, lighting up a cigarette that was in between her lips. “Are you okay? Motion sickness?”

I shake my head to disagree, and she nods.

“I don’t know,” I shrugged my shoulders while I watched her blow out a thick puff of smoke in the air that swirls around my head crazy. I added, “I hope this will take my mind off of everything.”

She shoved her lighter back into her pocket and turned her head side to look at me. She said, “It will. I hope you and I can bond.”

Then, Natasha smiles and gives me a pat on the shoulder – squeezing it with utmost care that I wanted her to hold me like that. It felt so reassuring in some way that I can’t really begin how to explain it like it’s an abstract painting that you’re just so baffled and confused; yet you know what it means. Though you can’t word it out. But it’s there.

An old conversion van comes along our way and I watch intently as the man gets out of the vehicle, looking buff and tall with a beard around his mouth. He didn’t look threatening because he smiled at me – then at Natasha. He gave her a warm hug and asked how was our flight. I hear Natasha murmuring that it went well and he smiled kindly at her. Then, his eyes flickered to mine and shook my hand like it was a business meeting.

“Good to meet you, Y/N,” Before he gave me a chance to say a word, he said: “Your mother shared so many things about you.”

I was thinking if he was referring to Natasha for a second, then realize it was my mom who he was talking about considering that his face fell for a good two seconds then quickly added, “I’m sorry. I know that’s pretty insensitive–”

“No, you weren’t,” I cut him off with honesty coming out of my mouth. Then, I smiled at him, but not also in a bright way – it was an early morning, and I was extremely exhausted. “It’s good to meet you too, Steve.”

We both smiled at each other.

                                                   —

When we got to the house, there was a dog that was waiting outside. It looked like an Australian Shepherd and was brown but had white fur around its chest all the way down to its stomach. I grabbed my duffle bag that was inside the drunk and walked with Natasha into the entryway of the house. The house had a huge sandstone facade, with white-painted shutters on the windows and a huge brown door at the back. I looked further and saw how beautiful the ocean was right in front of the house, which made me a little excited since I have a fascination with the sea. Natasha had her hand on my lower waist and brought me inside the house, seeing how extremely tidy and smelled like lavender in every room. I saw a man walking downstairs and gave Natasha a smug look, hugging her quickly.

“Welcome!” he said, throwing his hands up in the air. While I looked at him questionably, Natasha murmured to my side: “That’s Tony Stark. He’s one of my good friends. Tony, this is my stepdaughter Y/N. Although we consider each other friends.”

Tony gave me a wink that I immediately thought it was friendly and gave me a brief hug, pulled away, and said: “This isn’t my house but I will definitely make you feel at home. Come, you should see the patio. We have a fireplace where we could melt marshmallows–”

“Tony, she’s eighteen.” Natasha cut him off with a nonchalant tone as she crossed her arms tightly around herself. That word eighteen sprang around my head, feeling surprised and cringed by the fact that she had to mention my age. I knew how old I was, but knowing how young I was made me feel small and everyone else will treat me like a kid. But I usually don’t mind that, I just find it quite funny that Natasha had to say it like that.

He rolls his eyes – rather playfully – and whispered, “Your mother is always like that.”

I didn’t like the way he said the word mother, either. God, what was wrong with me?

Natasha and I walked to the other house and saw that there were two rooms inside it. She opened the door for me and we walked inside, hearing the door close gently. It felt intimidating to be in a small place with her like something felt odd right yet wrong. I try not to mind it, but it keeps relapsing in my head. There was a room by the left and opened the door, gasping when I was faced with the ocean. The room was just in the right size, not too big and not too small. The bed was on the floor but was neat because the blanket is so tucked under the mattress. I looked behind Natasha and I could see her leaning against the doorway with a slight smile on her face – as if admiring my joy.

“Where are you going to stay?” I asked.

There was a pause, and then she answered with a grating tone.

“In the other house since someone else is staying in that room that is in front of yours.”

Was I a little disappointed when she wasn’t going to sleep near me? A little, only a little. Though, it was sort of hilarious and disturbing to think that way – I was a little baffled at myself. Especially when she’s looking at me with those eyes that she always uses whenever I look at her.

“Thank you for this, Nat,” I said, turning my head as I sat on the edge of the mattress. I added, “It really means a lot to me since you’ve seen how I am. I may have thought you were going to ditch me since I’m not your blood.”

Her face slightly went pale when I told her that I wasn’t her blood. She knew it deeply well that we aren’t related, and we never considered ourselves that way since we have this bond of friendship. She dismisses me and responds with a trembling voice, “You know you’re like my friend, Y/N. Please, let us keep it that way except for maybe a motherly relationship with you if you get too mean sometimes.”

I chuckled but almost in an awkward way as that thought deepened inside of me until it kind of spread all over my head. What did she mean by that? She was never a motherly figure to me before, so what was she trying to imply?

I was going to answer her but quickly she says, “I’ll leave you alone for now, okay? I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me. You might have some company later.”

She left without looking back and I sat there, feeling dumbfounded by everything that she has said. I still can’t figure out whether she was joking a few seconds ago or not, but hopefully, she was.

It was around late noon when I woke up from a long nap that I didn’t even realize I fell asleep on the bed. I could feel my skin being sticky and tight, so I stretched out my back and decided to wash my face so I don’t look like I came home from a dreaded flight. After that, I walked outside and saw two unfamiliar faces that were talking to Natasha. I had a look of a sleepy face, so I merely hoped that I didn’t look too tired as I approached them with a kind face.

“Good sleep?” Natasha asked, I nodded but then laughed audibly.

“You could say that,” I responded and sat down beside her on the cushioned seat that had no support on the back. She smiles at me and points to the two people in front of me with her hands.

“That is Peter and Michelle,” she says, introducing them to me as I smile and give them a little wave. I could’ve stood up and shook their hand, but my body disagreed with it. “They are just talking about their stay in Steve’s shitty beach house.”

“Language!” a faded masculine voice was heard from afar and I saw Steve roasting something that I couldn’t see much. Natasha chuckled and brought the glass to her lips, noticing that it was red wine. Of course, she likes it red. It’s either whiskey or red.

“How long have you guys stayed here?” I asked in a matter of mannerism and politeness.

“Two weeks,” the girl – assuming it was Michelle – answered me, placing the glass back down on the table. “You look like you came out from a shitty nap.”

I chuckled in response.

“Yeah, I did. It felt so hot that I forgot to turn on the air conditioning.”

“It’s quite cold here, don’t you think?” the boy, Peter, says with a shivering tone that matches the body movement he made. I nodded but dragged my hum – sounding curious but agreed with his statement. “Sorry, I’ve never been to any country other than London and France. Mr. Stark gave me and MJ sort of a… holiday getaway.”

I could hear Natasha laughing but not in a rude and profound way, she was probably amused by Peter – and I was too. And they looked like my age, so I couldn’t help but ask: “Are you guys eighteen?”

They both nodded and Michelle began to respond to my question, “Were you afraid that you’re going to be alone with a bunch of adults?”

I laughed and nodded, she smiled fondly at me.

“Don’t worry Y/N,” Natasha inches closer to me and wraps her arm around my shoulder, pulling me into her body but not in an awkward way – but like in a way that was appropriate, somehow. “Clint and Tony are kids. They’re definitely not adults.”

When we were all at the same table, I was beside a man named Bucky and to my right was near the patio door. Tony mentioned that he wanted to go hiking tomorrow while Steve said it was a good idea but thinks that the younger adults wouldn’t appreciate it; referring to us. Me, Michelle, and Peter gave each other that look and almost laughed in the middle of the conversation like little kids. Never once in my life, I’ve ever felt like being in this big group of people that Natasha considers family to her. I hear Peter say: we would like to but I think all of us “young adults” would go for a swim tomorrow.

And when I look away from my plate, I see Natasha gazing at me with those typical eyes again that she uses only when I’m around. I watch the way she bites her lower lip as if being tempted into something sinful and regretful but as soon as I was about to say something – she quickly looked away and ate a mouthful of steak, munching it harshly. It’s making me think that she has an interest in me, like developing a silly crush. Although this is speaking theoretically, I’m almost leaning into that assumption. There was once when I was sleeping on the plane, I could feel her warm knuckles sliding down against my cheek. I was going to protest but the way that she did that was so caring and sweet, I decided not to mind it and instead be buried into that type of thing.

It was obvious, too obvious; and I was a little scared by the actions that she makes that aren’t so subtle.

Yet it’s truly alluring and addicting at the same time.

“Have you got any into colleges yet, Y/N?” asked Tony with a beer that he was holding. I felt intimidated whenever people would ask me these questions, especially after the tragic passing of my mother. Natasha knows the struggle with the bat in her eyes as she looks at me and says you don’t have to answer that look. But instead, I turned to Tony and smiled at him politely.

“Not yet but I plan to apply to NYU after this year.”

“You’re going to NYU?” Michelle then says from afar, who has her eyebrows scrunched. I nodded, wondering if that was offensive but I guess it was not. She’s probably curious about why I’m not going to school this year – I’d rather not explain it. Sometimes it can get difficult. She nods slowly and added, “Good luck. It was hard for me to apply.”

I could feel the sense of heavy feeling that felt like a rock that was in my back, pressuring me to fall onto this table but I kept my head high – tried at least. I was feeling a little dizzy after the question that Tony mentioned and after maybe fifteen more minutes, I excused myself from the table. Natasha’s eyes starts to worry as I walked back to my room that wasn’t so far away from the main house, and when I disappeared into her eyes – part of her was that she wanted to chase me and asked what was all that about. Instead, she kept her head low and listen to Tony’s jokes for the whole dinner that was presented that evening.

                                                   —

Natasha was alone in the pool area with a cigarette in her mouth, playing with her feet in the water like a little kid as she thinks about what happened at that dinner table. She thinks about Y/N heavily, that girl cannot be left in her mind. In fact, she starts to develop these unwanted feelings toward the girl that in the first place shouldn’t be involved. It happened when her mother died, and she wasn’t guilty about it.

Why would she be guilty about it?

“You okay?”

She turns her head and sees Steve with a beer in his hand, sitting down beside her as he tries to cover his nose with the beer he’s holding. Natasha shakes her head and takes out the cigarette from her lips, throwing it across the wilderness that was near them.

“I don’t know.”

There was a brief silence until he asked: “Was it about Y/N?”

Within three seconds, she nods. And with that simple agreement, Steve understood that little statement that she gave silently. They always considered themselves siblings because they acted like one and understood each other that way. He watches as Natasha smoothens out her arms with her rough hand that was trembling a little, he began to understand what was going on – with a glimpse of action; a simple one.

“I know what you’re thinking–”

“I don’t need your judgment,” Natasha defends and didn’t let him finish when she quickly added: “I don’t know why I feel this way about her. It’s like–It’s uncontrollable, Steve. Ever since Ellie died, I began to have an interest in her daughter and sometimes I think maybe I just miss my wife when I don’t even miss her.”

“Natasha, I think it’s a very bad idea to fall for your wife’s daughter.”

The redhead tries to say something in order for him not to think that way but nothing comes out of her mouth. She struggles as she tries to think of the words properly to elaborate, but instead, she lets out a defeated whimper and throws her hands up in the air – feeling like a fool. Her love for Ellie wasn’t a spontaneous love, or maybe it was. She simply married the woman because she thought that it could help her with the career she was building, but maybe she did fall for her. And with Y/N, she never took an interest in the girl at that time. She saw her as a friend, nothing more.

But after she died, Natasha develops these sinful feelings toward the innocent girl and she can’t help but have this hatred inside of her. There were no regrets, though.

I didn’t mean to.

“You’re going to take advantage of her.” Steve started with a stern voice.

She shakes her head, “I'm not. Unless she doesn't feel that way.”

“Natasha, this is dangerous!”

“You’re not understanding the situation,” Natasha stands up from the ground and places her hands on her hips. “I know I shouldn’t. Yes, I’m aware. But I can’t help it.”

“Yes you can,” he said with his voice rising, but not to the point where everyone could hear them arguing. “This is just a crush. I’m sure it’ll go away soon.”

Natasha scoffed loudly and turned around, kicking the pebble that was by her feed a few seconds ago. She wanted to yell at Steve and punch him in his chest, trying to defend herself for being such a clueless woman that is having unidentified feelings for a girl who should be her friend or even worse, a daughter. To the lack of judgment she had, her mouth was closed, and instead tried to hold tears behind her eyes. Steve sighs.

“If that girl does not find anyone else in her life,” the redhead turns slowly to him and takes a few steps closer to her friend, who looks broad and tall, she immediately added, “I’m going to do reckless things. I want her to find someone, and let them love her. And maybe eventually I’ll lose these feelings. So if you don’t fucking find her that someone then I might as well steal her away from them because she’s mine.”

Natasha couldn’t put up with Steve’s brotherly antics, the way that he wasn’t on her side was confusing and angered her heart. She looked at him for one last time and walked away with a condemning heart. In each step she makes, she remembers how stupid she was when she couldn’t stop staring at Y/N. It’s not like she could help it, but simply – she was beautiful and Natasha was this vile creature that shouldn’t be getting attached to a girl that she has been living with for a long time; maybe not too long.

I had to do it.

                                                     —

Midnight occurred and I was on this small wooden desk with a journal in my hand. I was going to write my thoughts for today, but instead – nothing comes out in my brain. I began to think I was just tired from the travel and decided to take off my clothes and go to bed. I usually have them off, because I saw in an article once that it’s healthier to sleep that way. Plus, I think clothes aren’t necessary for bed sometimes. But before I even do that, there was a knock on my door and quickly I think it was Peter or Michelle since we were talking about going to the store tomorrow.

When I opened the door, I see Natasha who was standing right in front of me with her tired gloomy eyes. I gulped, nodding my head to give her permission to come inside my room. She shakes her head and leans against the doorway, smiling at me even though she looked extremely tired.

“Are you okay?” she asked with a slightly hoarse tone, but I heard her perfectly well.

“Yeah,” I replied, looking down at my feet shamefully when I remember what happened at that dinner table. I could feel her staring at me and I whispered, “I’m sorry about that. I was very tired and I had a headache.”

“It’s okay, detka.”

I remained silent, biting my lower lip in nervousness.

“I hope you’re having a good time here,” she finally breaks the silence between us – although it was brief – and I lift my chin up and saw that she was smiling softly at me, kindly even. “I was thinking if you want to go to the city with me. Maybe just the two of us, perhaps.”

She sounded like she had planned for this a long time ago, and I could tell from the depth of her voice. She sounded meek, inviting, but tired. I was supposed to say yes, but then eventually remembered that I was going to the city with Peter and Michelle – unless they won’t mind. So, I nodded slowly at her and I could see her grinning with her teeth showing.

That was the first time I realized how gorgeous and alluring Natasha was.

That’s also the first time I realized that I’m having a little crush on her.

“Good, I’ll come to pick you up tomorrow here. Okay?” I nodded and she pulled me into a hug, a warm one. I could hear and feel her heart beating against my ear and I immediately thought that she was having a panic attack despite the pacing of her heart. I was so comfortable with the lovely embrace that I felt Natasha’s lips pressed against my forehead, pulled away after a few seconds, and smiling down at me. She whispered close, “Goodnight, Y/N.”

When she left, I could feel her kiss lingering on my forehead; feeling safe.

thoughts? <3

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