The space between-
Within reach and get a grip
“Have you decided?” My best friend, my other one, broaches the subject gently, maybe reluctantly, but the question gets asked. Because we are running out of time.
“I haven’t decided.” I run my hands over the silky gowns in the back of my closet. I think my voice is loud enough to carry over the fact that I’m facing away from her. From everything, I can’t face this. I’m really not even sure how we got here.
“Izzy,” she sighs. “Times up. The wedding is today, he’s your oldest friend. You need to put on the dress and show up for him, even if it’s hard.”
Rocks are hard, my head too. This is not hard, I’m gutted over this. It was both the most surprising thing I’d ever heard and the most natural thing in the world when Harry announced that he was going to get married. Of course he was. Just because I’d convinced myself he was going to play the perpetual bachelor on the world wide stage didn’t make it so. And hed gotten to that age. We were in the twilight of our 20’s, everyone from our school who had stayed local had long since settled down, and those abroad were running out
Of flings to have flung.
Maybe I was surprised because when I saw my own wedding, my groom always looked like a Harry who had come off the road and finally seen what was waiting for him at home.
I had been waiting, a lighthouse on a bereft island, a candle in a late night window of
Old.
Carrying a torch for so long, without cause, I must have been fucking mental, especially when I’d lit, borne, and tended the flame myself.
But, that was the part I never shared, it wasn’t just my private blaze.
We’d been fucking since we were 16. Whenever he was home, and from both our first times too.
And the last time had been three days past.
He’d been with me, as tender and achingly loving as ever while she wore his ring and approved the table settings down the road.
It wasn’t just me playing with fire, Harry was setting a bridge alight.
Did I go to this wedding? How could I not?
I pulled two dresses from the back of my closet. Held them up without a verbal confirmation.
Lucy sighed again and pointed at one. The
Appropriate black. Funereal colors seemed correct.
I donned the red, if we were burning it down today, I wanted to be recognizable, unmissable as the witch.
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I miss the days of having online friends to live my teenaged trauma alongside and text about things I couldn’t tell the people in my life. However, I do not miss the circumstances that put me in that situation in the first place. Honestly, the fact that I survived the first 18 years of my life with those people is by itself a miracle.
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What Matters...
Treat yourself.
Sometimes, I feel like nothing is happening in my life because this is not the one I’ve dreamt about when I was younger. Others seemed to have it easy, and they are already having the times of their lives. And I still feel stuck. This is not a healthy way to live a life— comparing and looking for the things that are not present in my life. If I would only focus on the small…
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Ahhhhhh tumbling again, here's some art
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comfort in silence —
Sometimes she is quiet in my embrace
not for hiding her thoughts from me
- I already know all that is fundamental to know -
she is wholly at peace around me
the turbulent mind just quiets down
she is safe with me
Those are the moments I like best.
I lean my weariness against the comfort of his firm presence
His physicality is so reassuring to me
I am steadied, contained; so safe within the boundaries of his structure.
He is an unexpected assurance,
a sweet luxury I’ve grown accustomed to reaching for,
an all-consuming, warming sensation I’ve long ached for
I am so at ease in his embrace
Those are the moments I like best.
__🪶
.
Day 29. October Series
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It's the little tiny things that matter. Learn to be grateful over even the mundane.
Family calls ft tired faces. Long nature walks. Music from new favourite artists. Familiar faces from the crowd. A full belly. A timely podcast. Friendly neighbourhood. The word of God. To much much living ❤️❤️✨.
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Darling how could you be so blind
“I mean, I’d rather be with you, ya know that, but I am missing out.”
“On Jonny’s stupendous Mario kart skills?” He never persisted this much, unless.
“Well, it’s not just Jonny and Tim.” He was scratching the back of his neck and smirking, thigh the red in his cheeks indicated he had a little shame left.
“Emma?” He shook his head. Who else had I heard talking about him, or had to avoid talking about Harry to. “Sophie?”
He flashed his eyebrows.
“She just broke up with Jack, you’re already trying to date her?” My stomach was twisting.
“Not so much date her.” He cracked up at my disgusted face. “Oh Cmon lizard-“
“Hate when you call me that!”
“I know.” He reached out to tickle my knee. “But don’t you just ever wanna make out with someone?”
Yeah, you. “I mean, I suppose, but honestly, I’m not sure what all the fuss is about.”
“Then you’re not doing it properly.” He tsked.
“Or they’re not.” I countered. But I’d only done so much kissing, and the idea it was me twisted my face.
“Gonna stick like that!” He flicked my bottom lip and I bit his finger. At that his eyes flashed at me. “Maybe it’s not you then?”
“Come again?” I was honestly lost.
“Judging by that nibble there, you’re probably doing just fine…” he looked at me long enough for my breath to come a but faster. “Maybe I don’t need to go anywhere..” he trailed off and the question, the proposition hung in the air between our mouths that had not seemed so close together a bit ago.
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