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azol-otl · 1 year

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Random Jason Hijinks I either wish would happen someday or find amusing to think about.

Rose and Jason break Eddie out of hell and steal his soul back from Neron. Jaime is dragged along by Rose because he and Eddie were “friends a few reboots ago”. Jason asked Roy who sent him Connor who is suffering™.

Pre-Red Hood Jason and Pre-Green Arrow Connor first meet up back when Jason was part of the All-Caste hunting a demon. It’s a one-shot adventure and the things you have to know are:

a) this is before Jason’s growth spurt so he’s over a head shorter than Connor.

b) Connor isn’t a cape so excuse him for not understanding demons and fucking up hilariously a few times.

c) When Jason tries to kill the demon who is possessing the human, he and Connor fight about it. The fight ends when the demon explodes out of the person like the Pus of Man from Dark Souls 3.

d) Talia is the one who finds and picks up Jason from the adventure (Connor thinks she’s his mom and Jason just didn’t inherit the melanin) and is also the one who gives Connor contact information for Jason because she wants him to have some sort of friend.

e) They never actually learned the other’s name so anytime they’d hear about Red Hood or Green Arrow they literally don’t know it’s that guy they met as teenagers.

Jason decides to actually dust off his mystic training when Dick walks in and Jason gets hit with so many bad vibes he’s genuinely worried something is wrong with Dick.

Jason: “Did they not fix the Brother Blood mind control thing fully? Did Raven miss something? Isn’t Dick friends with a million people? How have they all missed this????”

It ends with bringing Danny Chase back to life and the only person remotely happy about it is Jason and even that’s a stretch.

Rose, why are you part of the Wild Hunt?!!!

What do you mean Biz got taken by the fae?!

Roy, why is this werewolf saying he’s your husband?!

Eddie, why didn’t you tell me you were a prince of hell? What do you mean that one of Trigon’s sons is buried in Gotham?!!! No wait, you still haven’t told me how you’re a prince of hell!

Jason and Talia's road trip where Jason comes to the uncomfortable realization that he views Talia as a mother/aunt figure.

Bonus Artemis suffering Jason’s Mom Has it Going On.

Jason gets a new dog named Ellie and he loves her and Dog very much. What do you mean she’s a Blue Lantern!?

Ellie is short for Elpis and she’s absolutely Hope Corgi.

Roy finds out that he has a whole-ass checking account under one of his aliases that he never knew about. Turns out Jason created it for him years ago and Roy’s actually under W.E. employed as an independent contractor and he’s been making 6 figures for years because Jason never bothered telling anyone that he still owns Wayne R&D.

Jason slowly but surely claims Park Row and the surrounding areas as his territory. It has the unforeseen consequence of magical folk moving into the neighborhood because Gotham is a nightmare to live in normally, Magic Gotham is even worse and the only people who can survive are big hitters like Blood, Zatanna, and Ivy or small fries like the kitchen witch near Leslie’s. Welcome to the big leagues, Jason.

Jason keeps getting mistaken for Jason Blood and it is annoying. One day some demon hunters threw something at Jason and did anyone know Jason used to be in heaven because he sure didn’t and these angel wings are a fucking nightmare.

Rose busts a gut laughing because she somehow became friends with the least demon-y demon Eddie and Jason as an angel.

Jason, Ivy, Sideways, and Impulse (Impulse voice: “Why am I even here?”) vs the Madness Wavelength in Arkham.

Jason kills Joker and finds out that he cannot. Not as in “He doesn’t die” or “There will be a new one” but a secret third option, “The universe literally resets the day every time he’s killed.” Instead of being a tragedy, it becomes a comedy as killing Joker slowly becomes Jason’s go-to when shit goes wrong/killing him is good stress relief. Stephanie discovers what happens because she’s had to write the same essay nine times once. Instead of being horrified they (and then Helena, Tim, Duke, etc.) make killing Joker a gag. The only ones not allowed to kill the Joker are Dick and Bruce because then the universe decides it’s the bad timeline instead of just resetting again.

Tim: *drops his latte on a hot guy and then embarrasses himself in public trying to apologize and becomes a meme.*

Tim: I guess I have to kill Joker now.

Jason and Kory remeeting and wow it’s really awkward that we only got close because of a universe meddler and then you dipped and never contacted me again even though I was a hundred percent serious that you were one of my first friends and are very important to me.

Oh no. Not the talking. Not communication! Kory take mercy on me and just drop me like a bad memory don’t have us open a dialogue where we reconcile all of the bullshit that happened to us and the fact that we did genuinely get close at very low points in our lives and be willing to try and be friends again!

Give! Kory! All! The! Friends! She doesn’t care if you think it’s a bad idea, it's her life!

Gotham Vigilante Tabletop Club (GVTC) featuring Jason, Tim, Stephanie, Duke, Helena, and Harper. They each get a turn as dm and every one of them brings in a different game.

Why is Damian’s friend (Colin) asking me for love advice? I’m a gay disaster ask anyone else please. ??? I guess I can try to help??? Who’s your crush?

It’s Lian and Jason regrets agreeing to help because Roy is going to murder him.

Countdown 2 Electric Boogaloo. Except for this time they were all shoved into the dimension separately and by separate events and there is no danger. It is just a multiversal road trip with the people who vexed you greatly but are slightly grown up now.

Bonus scene includes Jason’s gleeful face when he realizes he understands what all of those words Donna keeps muttering under her breath mean because Artemis was a bro and taught him Themysciran Greek.

#I didn't mean for all of them to sound like comedies but sometimes that just happens #People may hate on the all-caste for not being Jason enough or whatever #But have we ever stopped to think that Damian is related to an immortal cult and Duke is the son of an eldritch being #And Dick is related to an unrelated cult and just all the weird shit that happens in Gotham anyways?#Why can all these exist and Jason not also have mystic monk training he never uses #Listen I don't know much about Gotham's magic population but I'm pretty sure the place is awful to live in with the nine different curses #So having a dude that's basically a mage-killer claim a territory can only be a good thing for their safety #Plus I'm positive that magic folk would keep property values low because who would go looking for magic users in Park Row #Everyone was written terribly for rhato but Jason and Kory had the potential to be a really interesting relationship #Just this lack of judgement and ability to not have to shave down all of your sharp edges for one another #also I do really like the idea of them trying romance or sex and then deciding that they need friends more and then staying friends #Gotham Vigilante Tabletop Club my beloved #Look Duke and Tim canonically play tabletop games and if dc would finally acknowledge that Stephanie and Jason are nerds they would too #I miss Colin and the idea of him and Jason being disaster siblings or disaster guardian-child is important to me #I don't know if it's canon but considering linguistic drift Themyscira should either have its own language or dialect #and Donna should use it to say mean things under her breath #Jason Todd #I am not tagging anyone else their tags deserve to be Bat-Free #oh boy do I love how I can't make indents in even in html. Sorry for the eyesore whoever reads this mess

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livingdeadvoid · 1 year

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Damian: Me and Grayson are no longer on speaking terms.

Tim, confused: Oh? What happened?

Damian, cracking up: He asked me for chapstick.

Tim, motioning for him to continue: And?

Damian: I gave a glue stick.

Jason, hysterically laughing in the room besides them like a hyena: BHAHAHAHAHAHA!

#theyre brothers your honor #batfamily #tim drake #jason todd #dick grayson #he deserves more love #batkids #dc robin #glue stick #chapstick #damian wayne #dc comics #goofy guy #get pranked #this man is a menace

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whalehouse1 · 2 years

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“Unlike his predecessor, Dick Grayson, Jason was impulsive, violent and full of rage.”

Me, looks back at literally any of Dick’s fights as Robin: So…was Jason nuking criminals face-to-face, cause that is legit the only “unlike Dick” you could get in terms of those adjectives.

#dick Grayson #Nightwing #Jason Todd #red hood #I love Dick but even Damian is about even on the violent front and that smile is all that’s keeping that rage we’ve seen from coming out #he is probably the best one to actually to lose it #I can picture him just cackling cracking open Joker like a cold one #and saying ”I DO GET THE JOKE! THIS IS HILARIOUS!”#and I cannot see any of the others in the batfam coming close to that level of unhinged #and Tim was the Joker in Batman Beyond and even then #Dick is more believable to me as that than Tim #although Tim honestly deserves a cupcake with the crap he’s going through #and why do ppl fight over who the better Robin is or whose better at what?#they’re all good and you can have your favorite #heck you wouldn’t know it but some days I can’t stand Jason #but that’s more just me having a reflexive ”oh god him again” mindset with fandoms

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sunsetrules · 1 year

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okay but how are the people that are so willing to crap on Damian for being the little tsundere stink he is able to take the entirety of their unbridled anger out onto this little man without having the self-awareness to actually sit with the fact that the dude is six years of age????

like, even if we were to set aside the fact that irl most young children have NO grasp on their feelings whatsoever and are only as emotionally mature as they've been taught to be/as their still growing, still developing (emphasis on STILL DEVELOPING!!!) brains will allow them to be... small Desmond is literally trying to work out why his mommy and daddy can't take a minute out of their lives to see him when his classmates' parents can afford to take HOURS, while also simultaneously trying to maintain the facade of the perfect independent self-sufficient son that doesn't need to rely on anyone or anything ever...???? like just????

preschoolers struggle to work through stupid shit like learning to share or dealing with getting their ipad taken away- can you imagine the toll this constant back and forth swing of contradictory emotion (oscillating between his Second Son "Scion" I-Can-Do-No-Wrong exterior and the flawed, imperfect, undeserving son he internalises himself to be in private, alongside having to battle and shame himself for the very legitimate and innate need for comfort, love, and security that a child his age REQUIRES for a healthy upbringing?????) will take over time on a person??

even ADULTS would struggle to juggle all that crap- how do you expect a literal PRESCHOOLER to be able to do so??? in a healthy way that doesn't impact his behaviour and personality and mental health, no less???

trauma fucks people up beyond repair; it eats at you until you are unrecognizable- a hollow shell of your former self... the consistent absence (and by extent, emotional neglect) of both of his parents to this end, is a kindof ongoing trauma that only serves to make what was bad worse.

like i get where people are trying to come from with the "don't excuse his circumstances for his mentality when HE chooses how to act" perspective, and in almost any other case I actually do take this side because yes, while trauma does not make nice people, it is ultimately up to the afflicted to decide whether they want to let this trauma impact them and assume agency over their person for the rest of their lives. however.

VEEEEERY BIG HOWEVER!

in this specific case... this just isn't applicable!!! again, as I've said earlier,,,,, Damian is a preschooler,,,,, he is an intelligent little fucker, that I don't deny, but scientifically speaking, his brain is simply not developed enough to process the complexities of what exactly is going on to him, and how the behaviour of those around him influences his own subconsciously. this isn't just a matter of flipping a switch, of actively making the choice to not let your trauma influence you and act on your own will- he legitimately is not actively conscious of the fact that he "chooses" to act in the way he does; he has no healthy role model to follow, no support system, no one to fall back on should he stumble.

man even Ewen and Emile, who i hesitate to call his friends, act more like his lackeys than they do genuine companions (and although these relationships are probably the healthiest he has at the moment), it ultimately means that in the eventuality he needs someone to confide in, he... doesn't really have anyone. i mean, he has his butler, but does that really count, considering Damian is most likely aware the man is paid to spend time with him (and as much as that shouldn't affect what seems to be a pleasant mutual relationship, it kindof does lol???? like how would you feel realising your only friend is literally forced to hangout with you?????)

i need some of y'all to wake the fuck up- try to picture going through every single day of your life wondering which flaw, which ineptitude; which FAILING of yours shamed your parents into recluse and (practically) had them decide that ZERO contact was the way to go???? WITH THEIR FUCKING SIX YEAR OLD???

bffr. be so fucking fr rn.

#2 am thoughts #genuinely damian's parents absolutely sucks #he deserves so much better #the fact that loid praising him in that one scene was probably the most affection baby desmond has ever gotten is just #so fucking sad #loid please adopt your son in law he cant live like this anymore #this goes for the headpat too actually #damian realizing he actually likes physical touch after parental figure of the year Loid Forger ruffles his hair once is #very canon #and also very sad #ranting #ramblings #sorry for the long post idk what got to me #i hope damian actually gets to heal #and ideally spend more time w anya at least to experience some genuine parental love #loid and yor already love him more than his bio dad pretends to and its heartwrenching #genuinely i hope he can rely on the forgers for emotional support at least the boy needs a support circle #spy x family #sxf #spyxfamily #damian desmond #anya forger #yor forger #loid forger #twiyor #loid x yor #damianya #this turned out WAY longer than i had initially thought it out to be #damian desmond protection squad because boyo deserves the world #character study

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roobylavender · 2 years

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(i apologize in advance this is probs gonna be long) okay i’m still making my way through dc canon so i apologize if any of this is nonsensical or ooc, but i can’t stop thinking about the alternate introduction idea u have for damian where he’s given up for adoption, and then his adoptive parents are killed and he’s with the loa for whatever time. idk i just think, if by some rule dick & damian had to develop a close bond as characters, it would have been interesting to see how that could be interwoven with au!damian’s story while still being cognizant of Talia & Bruce and the fact that neither would be as intentionally callous and shitty as they are in modern canon. I think it would’ve been neat to sort of set it up so Talia & Bruce are off together investigating the murder of Damian’s parents after a discussion turned argument where they (including Damian) tried to figure out what their son’s role in the investigation should be if any. Talia believes he should be involved if he wants to, that he has a right to justice for his family, it’s not like he has no training, and it gives him a way to work through his emotions on the matter, isn’t that what Bruce is doing? Bruce sees this side (obv, the robins exist) but having learned from his experience with Jason, and knowing there’s a lot of details of Damian’s time with the league after the death of his adoptive parents that he is not yet privy to, he is unsure if it is best to throw Damian into a battlefield after he was just freed from one. Ethical conflict between divorcees, who knows maybe they get intimate about it! Meanwhile, lets say Dick would have been called by Bruce, wanting to leave Damian in the care of someone who a) has the capacity to keep him in check if need be (as in a situation where Damian would be a danger to himself etc), b) can sympathize at least to an extent with Damian’s trauma, and c) someone who could be a positive influence on Damian through that relatability (& prob also dick being a bit closer to damian’s age than bruce is). And like, I think in this hypothetical Damian would really appreciate Dick because not only is Dick someone who has insight into his parent’s relationship to each other and why they may have given him up, but I also think he’d be really upfront in answering Damian’s questions and paint a pretty fair picture of who Talia & Bruce are as people. there could be that sort of sense of okay this is who damian feels at least somewhat comfortable to latch on to without any bs. I also think it would be sort of interesting to use Dick being put in the position of a temporary caregiver of someone who has a million questions about the man who raised him as a way to explore his current feelings about bruce and how their dynamic has shifted through the years, particularly irt to how he feels about being asked for this out of what may be the blue, and whether he’s glad to have been asked by bruce or not. internal man vs self vs father type stuff yk (& maybe whether he wants to take on that sort of responsibility in his own life, who knows) . i think it would help subvert the “golden bio kid” stuff to have bruce’s experiences with some of the other bats explicitly influence his decision making irt trying to parent damian, and though i didn’t give talia’s reasoning as well as i could have i think it would be interesting to explore how deeply her personal philosophy would influence her itr. and also i like the running theme of exploration of familial structures through both damian’s adoptive and bio parents. sorry for how insanely long this ask is, i just had to share that ur idea has made me a wee bit insane. hope you have a good day/night.

(the au posts being referred to) anon how have you managed in one condensed ask to chart a better path for damian and talia and bruce and dick as an interconnected collective than morrison or tomasi or whoever else could even hope to imagine. where is your publication deal with dc. when are you storming their offices and making the pitch and winning the hundred issue run guarantee with the best pencillers and inkers at your disposal like i am so serious right now this is insane i'm obsessed i can't get enough of it

#i will be the first to admit i never really thought about how to figure dick into that posed dynamic outside of being a bystander #but this works SOOOO well. like obv the existing canon sort of interlaces damian's daddy issues with dick's #but i like this prospect way more than what we actually have esp since it's not built on all of that preexisting racist shite lmao!#and i genuinely love the idea of damian being a conduit to helping dick and bruce resolve some of their issues #and all of them potentially growing closer to each other as a result #also i hope you don't mind if i tagged this i genuinely think it's brilliant and deserves to be seen!#outbox #long post #dick grayson #damian wayne #dc

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bitimdrake · 1 year

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who’s your favorite in the batfamily cast?

Dick is arguably the greatest character in DC and he is so important especially to Me and I love him and his relationships and his everything. Insert ten page essay here. At the same time, I just think Tim's neat :) The two of them can fight it out for the top spot.

I also adore Cass and Steph. Though unfortunately, the more they are erased from comics and the further out I get from their good books, the less I have to think about for them. I've finally reached Steph's Prime Earth reintroduction at least, but I really gotta go back some time to reread Cass's preboot stories, because they made me fall in love with her so hard.

#*#ask #anon #*dc #dc #those are probs my top four #but also love Helena and think she deserved more attention and credit because she's a great addition to the case #incredibly compelled by the OG red hood version of jason. unfortunately all his other appearances suck but i still love that character #and my hope that damian would someday get good material seems to be finally panning out in the new 52 so i'm getting attached to the kid

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batfamfucker · 2 years

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What about

StephCassKara

Polycule

I'm sorry but I still want Bruce to adopt Steph in my heart. He sees her as a daughter and I can't be convinced otherwise 😭 And I'm not one to ship the Batfamily siblings. However, that is just my own canon that I've formed in my head so whatever you like/However you interpret things is also cool, so if it floats your boat than good for you. Polycule supremacy 💅

#this is also why I don’t ship timsteph lmao #that and I prefer timkon more tbh #In my head. Dick. Jason. Tim. Steph. Cass. Duke. And Damian. Are Bruce's kids #If you were a Robin that's an adoption by default I don’t make the ruled 🤷🏽‍♀️#he definitely considers all of them his kids #also. poor cass could use a sister lmao #torn between her being Bruce's only daughter and the family princess #but also between how much I'd love chaotic daughter Stephanie on her way to fuck up Bruce's day #because she woke up and chose violence #they always end up bonding and he usually takes her out shopping #Bruce claims he isn't materialistic. but this fucker also eats burgers with a knife and fork so.#he at least has expensive taste. and style.#he pretends he doesn't care but when Steph drags him out he kind of gets to explore the secret materialistic side of him #that he usually tries to hide. Steph then tells him he needs to treat himself. he deserves it. with everything he does for the city #being Batman and also his charity work. he deserves some down time to spend some money on himself for once #she's a 'treat yourself' hype man. he ends up treating them both. they're little shopping divas and I will stand by that #Look me in the eyes she wouldn't roast his style but actually like it lowkey. and makes him do little fasion shows #picks out outfits for him to try. both actual ones that would suit him and ones she just wanted to laugh at #and then they'd get their nails done and get some food.#steph and bruce being a shopping duo supremacy. pulling up with matching starbucks orders and some Wayne Sass.#I might make a headcanons post for them at this point #If I could draw I would fully show what I mean rn. the ideas I have. the visions. truly unmatched.#bruce wayne #stephanie brown #batman #batgirl #spoiler #batfam

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jasontoddswhitestreak · 2 years

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matilda by harry styles was written for damian al ghul

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sepia-stained-sunset · 1 year

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Bruce being so done with life because none of his kids treat their medical files on the batcomputer with the importance it deserves. And the worst part is, he can't tell if it's on purpose or if they're all Just Like That.

Dick:

He loves his eldest son but for some reason, he refuses to do anything but put down estimated recovery times in his injuries folder. It's usually in the range of "2 weeks" to "48 hours" but that just leaves Bruce worrying about what happened.

One time, he put down 3 months and he nearly had a heart attack till his son called and told him Kor'i had dumped him and that this was how long he was going to be wallowing.

Jason:

Is nice enough to tell him what happened but doesn't add the degree of injury.

So he'll put down "stabbed" but won't elaborate on whether it was a flesh wound or worse. Bruce goes grey very, very early after Jason is on the field.

Tim:

Gives him just the location of the injury and leaves him to guess what happened.

Could say "arm" or "back of the head" or, on one memorable occasion, "spleen", but won't say what the heck happened to any of those parts.

Was he stabbed?? Shot at?? Who knows. Certainly not Bruce.

Damian:

Only mentions the retribution he got for any injuries he received.

"It's been handled", "he'll never be able to get the drop on me again" and more often than not, just the word "avenged".

Bruce is surprised he has any of his original hair colour left at all.

Duke:

By far the worst one. He writes down injuries in terms of his own pain scale.

Could write "OW!" or "Not Gucci" or "Better than that time Jason hit me in the face with a TV remote".

Once wrote "Non-fatal" which sent Bruce into a spiral because "holy shit Duke?? What do you mean non-fatal?? Yeah I sure hope your injuries weren't lethal?!"

Cass:

Has never been injured on patrol. Often leaves him question marks in her file which...yeah, fair enough.

#batfam shenanigans #bruce wayne #tired dad bruce wayne #batkids #batsiblings #tim drake #jason todd #dick grayson #damian wayne #duke thomas #cass cain #long post #batdad #batfam #batfam shitpost

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nabtime · 4 months

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Better Watch Out

Danny had just started to feel like he was settling in with the Waynes. It had been... not ideal circumstances that brought him to the family in the first place, so getting used to not having to deal with all that mess was the first hurdle. The second being getting used to dealing with an entirely new- if more pleasant, mess. The Waynes, and Gotham by extension, were- to put it lightly- fucking crazy. He wasn't in Amity anymore and however much he'd thought it was the weirdest place on the planet before- he was absolutely rethinking that now. Where he had been one hero against a handful of villains, Gotham had a whole brigade of vigilantes against an army of villains. And they were... Bat-themed. For the most part. He'd yet to meet any of them, so he hadn't gotten the chance to ask what all that was about.

None of that was the point though. The point was that Danny had only recently stopped feeling like a fish out of water around his new foster family, and now the Holidays were coming. The Holidays that always served to put him in a sour mood. The Holidays that made him more prone to lash out and snap at those that didn't deserve it. The Holidays that, despite being Jewish by heritage, Bruce seemed oddly enthusiastic about celebrating.

(It reminded him, painfully, of Sam. He'd yet to be able to see here since everything went down and he missed her and Tucker something fierce. Which was maybe also putting him in a bad mood.)

So you really couldn't blame him for feeling a little tense about the whole situation. Not only were the Christmas decorations that smothered the Manor making him grouchy, but his grouchiness was also making a guilty pit form in his stomach. He was a moody teenager and adding trauma on top of that didn't help how caustic he could be- and adding fear on top of that made it all the worse. What if he saw Dick in his Santa hat, grinning and innocent, and he snapped? What if he saw Damian, stoic but loving, give Titus a shiny red bow-tie collar for the season and he made a caustic comment that went too far? What if he saw Bruce so much as smile at him while standing near the giant tree in the foyer and he saw green?

What if he ruined Christmas? Again? For people that didn't deserve it? Again? What if he hurt the people he cared about that had only ever shown him care and consideration? Again?

So Danny was just a bit tense. A bit on edge. And he was trying. Oh Ancients was he trying. To not be such a little bitch about all the Christmas stuff. But he had a limit. Bruce, being the rich socialite that seemed far too enthusiastic about family-centered holidays, did not have a limit. Every inch of the manor was covered in tinsel and holly and blinking lights and fake snow. Every spare moment was filled with different siblings being coerced into doing cheesy holiday activities, with Danny being the only one to attend every single one of them. (Cutting down a Christmas tree with Jason. Buying presents at the mall with Tim. Decorating while hanging from the chandelier with Dick. Caroling very badly with Stephanie. Making snow angels with Cass. Watching Christmas movies with Duke.) And he attended them all with a barely restrained snarl and a badly bitten tongue. The one time, one time, he'd told Bruce no- the guilt had eaten him alive (and dead) at seeing the man melt into the most pathetic kicked-puppy look he'd ever seen.

No grown man should ever be able to do that with his face. Danny never wanted to see that again.

In return, though, he had to face the Horrors.

The latest Horror being the worst he'd ever faced to date. A Horror that he thought he'd never have to face. He thought he'd slipped past this particular one by aging out. He was too old for this. He shouldn't be there. Damian, scowling and eyes filled with murderous intent, shouldn't be there. Dick and Bruce seemed to both be having the time of their lives. It was far too disturbing- and the continuous blasting of Christmas music and the overheated crush of a restless crowd only made it worse.

They were in line to see Santa at the mall.

It made his skin crawl. He was fifteen! Damian, the poor bastard, was also fifteen!

He could practically feel Ghostwriter laughing his ass off at his predicament. This was worse than getting stuck in a rhyming Christmas cautionary tale. He would 100% rather be stuck in one of Ghostwriter's cheesy poems than be stuck in the stupidly long line to see the fake mall Santa that probably didn't want to be there just as much as Danny.

But Bruce looked so fucking happy. Genuinely happy.

It was something he'd noticed early on about his foster dad. He smiled a lot and smiled big, but he rarely ever meant it. Now, Danny wasn't usually one to notice things like that. He got pretty wrapped up in his own problems and just- didn't have the skill to notice these things. Usually. But, well, being ghostly gave him a bit of an advantage. He could get a pretty good read on a person's emotions, regardless of what expression they wore. If he felt close enough to them. Frostbite had compared it to, like, family pack bonding. And he really, really didn't want to think about that further (why had it never worked for his parents? why did he feel so close to Bruce so quickly? why?) But, more importantly, he could tell that while Bruce smiled a lot, he rarely meant it.

But whenever Danny or his foster sibling begrudgingly participated in "family holiday activities" he smiled and he meant it. Bruce, fundamentally, was a sad man. Always grieving something. But here and now? In line to see his teenage children visit fucking Santa in the mall? He was smiling from ear to ear and his emotions, for once, matched. Yeah, there was a hint of mischief there, but it was overwhelmed by the giddy joy and excitement.

A suspicious amount of excitement... Like he was expecting something.

And then Bruce was leaning down between him and Damian and with a bright grin, he muttered, "I have a surprise for the both of you."

And even Dick, who had not stopped taking a stupid amount of pictures the entire time, paused to look at Bruce curiously.

"As I've told you both before," he said, looking over at Dick and back to Damian, "I know the real Santa. Met him a few times, saved Christmas with him a few others, and he owed me a favor for the last misadventure we had. So, I asked him to be here, for this one afternoon, for you guys."

Danny barely caught a glimpse of Dick rolling his eyes in the background. Oh, okay, so this was bullshit that has long been established. Nothing new on his account. That was something at least.

"Father," Damian interrupted with scorn and a promise of violence in his voice, "you are aware that this- Santa Claus creature- is fictitious, are you not?"

"Damian, chum," Bruce responded carefully, sincerely saddened, "why would you say that about an old family friend?"

And, poor Damian, looked two parts baffled and three parts murderous. Nonplussed and unable to even fathom a response to his father. He just stared the man down.

Dick huffed in exasperation behind them. "C'mon, B. Will you let that go already?"

Bruce furrowed his brows, eyes already taking on that faint sheen of kicked-puppiness, and looked back up at his eldest. "You don't believe me, Dickie? After all these years?"

Dick responded with a flat stare. Danny kind of wished he had popcorn for this moment. It was like witnessing a mild car crash. Nobody got hurt and it was still wicked to see parts flying everywhere. There was even a chance of things catching fire. Man was he glad he could just watch.

"Danny?" Bruce pleaded, turning to him with those sad, sad eyes. "Do you believe me, chum?"

And fuck how was he supposed to respond to that?

"I have it on good authority," he said, thinking of yearly fight, after fight, after fight, "that his existence is very hotly debated in the scientific community."

He could feel the questioning stares from Damian and Dick but he refused to look away from the innocently tilted head of his unfortunate foster father.

"Is that a yes?" and he sounded so sincerely hopeful. He couldn't crush the man's spirit. He couldn't.

But he also refused to lie and say he believed in Santa. At fifteen.

He clenched his jaw and gritted his teeth, but eventually replied. "It's a hotly debated topic."

And Bruce just smiled that empty smile and patted his shoulder. "Thanks, chum."

He, again, ignored Damian and Dick's stares. If he looked at them, he'd break. If he so much as made partial eye-contact, he was gonna fucking lose it.

"Oh look! We're almost at the front!"

Danny was living his worst life. Officially. This was the bad time-line. Dan's future didn't even come close. He was going to go mega evil any second now and kill everyone in the vicinity and then himself. This wasn't happening and it wasn't real and Santa Claus can't hurt him because he isn't real.

But Bruce, the saddest man in history, utterly and sincerely believed that he was.

So Danny was going to sit on some random old dude's lap and pretend to care about what he wanted for Christmas and whether or not he'd been a good boy this year and he was going to force a smile the entire time and his soul might shrivel up and die all the way inside, but at least Bruce would be happy.

What the fuck kind of afterlife was he living.

And then it was their turn and Danny was forced to go up first because the alternative was Damian committing homicide in the middle of the mall while Dick and Bruce cheerily took pictures.

Okay. Just sit down. Spit out answers to any inane questions. Pose for picture. And leave. Simple and easy and completely unbearable. But- for Bruce- he would bear it.

But, damn it all, a chill went down his spine as he approached.

No. Absolutely not.

There was no way. But he examined the man sitting in the chair and the more he saw the more the sinking pit in his stomach grew. Full thick beard of snow white hair. Brown eyes filled with smug mischief and magnanimity. Thick red velvet jacket made for trapping in heat in extreme cold weather, lined with white fur that looked suspiciously close to trim on cloaks he'd seen in the Far Frozen. A not-quite-ghostly-not-quite-magic-but-something-in-between aura he often got around Gods and Ancients.

Fuck, but Bruce actually knew the real bonafide Santa Fucking Claus.

What, and he means this with a great amount of emotion, the fuck.

He sat down in a stupor and the man just placidly smiled at him, a twinkle in his eye letting him know that he knew Danny was currently experiencing new stages of grief not yet known to man and was just gonna let him ride it out. How nice of him. Because of course he was being nice. He was Santa.

Fuck.

He looked up at the man. Ghost. God. Whatever. And for a good moment that's all either of them did. Just. Stared.

Sorry, Santa, Danny's brain has suddenly gone on vacation. 404 not found. Please leave a message after the tone. Error. Sorry, there's nothing there. Please try again.

After a few agonizing moments he asked, "how? Do you know Bruce?"

And Santa laughed at him, the sound working its way into his bones and filling him with a warmth he hadn't felt in a long time. It tasted just a bit like egg nog. Gross.

"Well," the man started, voice deep and rich like a good cup of hot chocolate, (whatthefuckwhathtefuck). "Why wouldn't I know a man like Bruce? Honorable, righteous, and very skilled. One of the best the Justice League has, if I'm being honest."

And then Danny's brain stopped completely. Because there was no fucking way Santa (FUCK) was implying what he thought he was implying.

But it all made so much sense now. His ears were ringing suddenly and the world was greying out but he was Seeing the Light.

"-nny?" Santa (FUCK!!) was saying. "Are you alright? Want to tell me what you want for Christmas now?"

"Hm," he said airily, still not all the way there, "I'm good, thanks."

And then he slid off the man's lap and walked back to his foster family in a daze. And he looked at Bruce (BATMAN!! FUCK!!!) and he slid a slow hand down his face, attempting to take the skin off it in the process.

"You alright, Danny man?" Dick asked, only half paying attention while he gleefully snapped pictures of a sullen Damian barely restraining himself from committing violence while stubbornly standing next to Santa instead of sitting on his lap.

"That's the real Santa, Bruce is Batman, and I'm half-dead," he replied bluntly.

Dick fumbled his phone in response and Bruce merely raised his eyebrows.

"That's an odd start to a 'three guys walk into a bar' joke there, chum," he said amiably. And Danny wouldn't have noticed the tension in his voice if he weren't ghostly. But he was and unfortunately for them all, it was now everyone's problem.

"Not a joke," he said. "I'll explain the dead part later but Santa outed you on accident."

"Okay, no," Dick interrupted, "we are not leaving the dead part for later, Danny, what the fuck."

"Listen," he said flatly, slapping his hands on either side of Dick's face and smooshing it to convey his seriousness while he spoke. "Santa is real, he's a God, and he's sitting right there." He emphasized with a sweeping wave of his arm in the direction Damian was stomping back towards them from. "We're leaving the dead part for later."

"What is all this about? Dead part? What is going on?" Damian demanded in rapid succession, growing more aggressive and persistent with each question.

Danny, already on his last fucking nerve, was gonna lose it. For real.

"Apparently," Dick drawled, disbelief and an unfair amount of derision in his tone, "that's the real Santa, he told Danny B was Batman, and Danny's now saying he's dead."

"What-"

Damian did not get to finish his sentence because that was the exact moment Danny finally snapped. Every bit of pent up tension and hostility, every bit of restrained Holiday fueled fury he'd been bottling up. Unleashed all at once because Dick decided to be an asshole about not believing him.

Danny snatched one of the giant plastic candy canes that lined the aisle of the queue to see Mall (but actually Real) Santa and gave a good swing in Dick's direction. Dick who had unfairly good reflexes and was able to dodge by jumping over the swing and landing back neatly on his feat.

"Danny?!" he cried, incredulous.

But Danny was no longer listening. Only reveling in the wild swinging of the candy cane and attempting to land a hit on Dick for being an absolute dick and finally unleashing hell upon the world and specifically his asshole foster brother. And maybe he put a little bit more ghostly strength in his last swing than he meant to, because when he finally made contact- he heard a pained off as Dick went down hard.

"Danny, please," he wheezed from the soft bank of fake snow he'd fallen into, "it's Christmas."

He screeched and continued his assault. "It's December 10th!"

And then, promptly; Bruce wrangled the candy cane from Danny's grasp, Damian pulled Dick from the floor, and they were all calmly escorted from the mall and asked politely to never return.

Danny really, truly, hated Christmas. And it looked like that wasn't going to change any time soon.

#naps fics #nap shitposts in the afterlife #danny phantom #dp x dc #dpxdc #dp x dc fanfic #sorry we need to make use of bruce knowing actual fucking santa more often #and pair it lovingly with dannys hatred for christmas #its SO funny #this was supposed to be a funny little shitpost and then evolved sorry #trying to get back in the habit of writing before working on OEG again #anyway hiiii

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